#god joel is such a petty little fucker

[stellocchia]

Pov: God has a bone to pick with you in particular

He's raining Jimmy toys on Tumble Town AND laughing at him with the other father of his child. You gotta appreciate the creativity and determination here.

Also, I mean, Jimmy did insult his child... you can't insult Hermes and expect to get off scott free

[rainbowchaox]

Monster Of The Week Ranchers Au:

Okokokokokok this au is based on small town that besieged with so much supernatural shenanigans that Jimmy the chosen one that wants to just be a normal dude and play his Cowboy esque character in his dnd campaign has to be forced to put on his destiny pants and save the town and sometimes the world every each weekend or so.

Jimmy is very much “I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL” type of fated main character.

Tango who is his main love interest is literally a cryptid in the woods that legit falls in love with Jimmy at first interaction. Is actually dangerous but literally all he did is rummage tents for marshmallows and beer. Is highkey feral and is one of the first ones to join the bust the supernatural gang.

Grian is the brother of Main Character Jimmy that thought he would be the chosen one but destiny is a bitch making him a petty fucker for the first arc because Jimmy took his job in his eyes.

Scar is literally a dude that comes from a family of magic users that is heavily tied to the dark secrets of the small town but is the black sheep of the family despite being unironically the most powerful of his generation in his family.

Impulse is literally a normal dude. Excerpt he has a car and is way too willing to break all laws to help Jimmy and co beat whatever is the monster of the week. He eventually manages to get fae napped and Fae married in a later arc to Bdubs who is a Fae Creature.

Bdubs is a fae creature that is a little shit that appears to help or make Jimmy and co life a little bit hell. And yes somehow Impulse with his normal boy swag romances the evil adjacent fae being,

Kathrine is the recurring side character who goes to the posh private academy and from a rich af family who is probably one of the founding families of the small town. A typical popular chick but instead she’s actually nice and a friendly rival monster hunter to Jimmy. She wears a pink leather jacket and rides a motorcycle.

Scott is a vampire. Has his evil arc but eventually becomes a begrudged ally. Jimmy had a thing with him in his past life.

Fwhip as a normal dude that touches shit he shouldn’t touch. He goes outside during full moons for night walks. He summons demons or shit because he got drunk and decided to do Ouija. One of the dudes that saw “The Red Stalker” in the woods (Tango) but no one believed him and the cause of Tango bad press. In actuality Tango wasn’t trying to hurt him Fwhip got saved by Tango because another monster wanted to eat him.

Sausage as the son of the pastor that quickly learns that belief can burn bitches. Also a goddess lives in his head. He’s going through it.

Oli as the ghost that haunts the school auditorium that may be connected to some tragedy that is related to the secrets of the town. Possible died because of cult shit.

Gem as literally a new age movement leader that recently made a compound in the woods because of the “ENERGY” and “ZEN” of the environment. Worships the Fae Creature Bdubs eventually.

Lizzie is literally a old god that Joel summoned in a episode with a eldritch book. And yes Joel manages to convince her to date him.

Joel is just a normal dude that does have red string board in his room because he is sorta freaking out that ya know they live in small town supernatural.

Pearl is the goddess in Sausage brain. She can appear to other supernaturals but she kinda vibing because she is kinda low on magic god juice.

PixL as the history teacher that knows way too much about what the fuck is going down that week. Either he’s immortal or connected to a secret society,

Joey as a normal dude in theatre that is the main target of Oli shenanigans.

Shubble as a goth witch in training also part of the posh private school with a major crush on Kathrine.

BigB and Ren are two homies that recently became werewolves.

Etho is another Cryptid who is besties with Tango.

Martyn is the son of the mayor whose house holds so many secrets.

Mumbo is a vampire because of Scott villain arc.

Skizzleman is just a dude that thinks the town is normal because somehow he always rationalizes the freaky shit into stuff like CO2 poisoning. Or scooby Doo shenanigans.

Cleo is a zombie that Shubble revived making them like besties and roommates.

[jupitermelichios]

Batman & Robin is the only good live-action Batman movie since 1966. No really.

(To be clear, when I say good in this case, I mean the only good adaptation, not the only well-made made film. Joel Schumacher has never made a competent film in his life, and while I’m fairly sure Christopher Nolan doesn’t have a soul, he is definitely a skilled technical film-maker).

So a quick run-down of live-action Batman movies to date:

1. 1989′s ‘Batman’ desperately wants to be something other than a superhero movie. This will be a running theme in what follows. The decision to focus on the romance to the exclusion of almost every other relationship was a really bad choice that I can only put down to a strong desire to be making a Bond Film instead. Also that version of the Joker is just... really bad, honestly. Mark Hamill’s joker is creepy, Heath Ledger’s Joker was manic, even Leto’s Joker had a kind of dream-like quality to him (which owes more to the camera work than the acting, but I’ll take it). Nicholson’s Joker is just sort of... there. The only compelling thing about him is the score, which is working so hard to try and make us care. (Seriously, try watching any of his scenes with the music off. What little tension there was vanishes instantly).

2. 1992′s Batman Returns. Why is Batman in this movie? Could Burton not get funding for the sexy mental patient fights freak-show survivor movie he actually wanted to be making? So little would change about this movie if you took Batman out of it, but I guess if we did that we’d have to give Selina Kyle a personality beyond ‘outdated and uncomfortable even for the 90s attitudes towards female sexuality’. (Get it, if a woman is sexually available she must be crazy!) I do fully admit this is a fun movie, and I dig the aesthetic it’s going for, it’s just a bad Batman movie.

3. 1995′s Batman Forever. I think we can all agree - fuck this movie. Joel Schumacher is not a good film-maker on his good days, and this is not one of his good days. The script is weak, Val Kilmer won’t stop pouting, Tommy Lee Jones is trying but he’s the only one who is and he’s not trying very hard. The decision to add a Robin was good, the decision to make that Robin in his mid 20s and easily the second worst thing about the movie was absolutely not. Everything Jim Carey does in this movie is terrible. (Everything Jim Carey does in most movies of this era is terrible, because you should only ever hire Carey if you want the film to be about him and absolutely no one else. He does not share the frame well.) Also this movie fucked over Billy D Williams, who had accepted a bit part in Batman Returns on the understanding that he would play Two-Face in the next movie.

4. 1997′s Batman & Robin. The film so bad Clooney would reportedly refund you the cost of the cinema ticket out of his own pocket if you told him you’d seen it. The only good one. Okay, technically this movie is bad. Joel Schumacher had not got any more competent since 1995. However, a combination of performers alternately chewing the scenery and trying not to corpse and a surreal neon asthetic that no one asked for but which would go on to be ripped off by so many video games, make this one of the very few actually fun Batman movies. But we’ve already established fun =/= good adaptation, so why’s it a good Batman movie? Because it gives a damn about its source material, and that source material is not Batman comics of the 80s and 90s (which is good because they were still letting Frank Miller write for them back then) but the 1966 TV Show/movie. The bad jokes, the sudden inclusion of Batgirl, the leotards, the kooky asthetic and ‘everyone’s at least slightly drunk’ tone, the super-styalised version of the Batsuit (like them or not, Bat-nipples are as memorable as 1966′s Bat-eyebrows), all of these can be traced right back to ‘66. This movie is a neon love-letter to Adam West, and it is the only love-letter in the entire Bat-movie canon, which is why it’s the only good one.

5. 2005′s Batman Begins is what you get when you combine a director who doesn’t like Batman with a writer who doesn’t like Batman and a producer who doesn’t care about Batman. It’s a technically competent (if poorly cast) film, that Ayn Rand would almost certainly have enjoyed immensely, and that desperately doesn’t want to be a Batman movie. This is a Serious Movie you guys, not like Batman Returns and Batman & Robin, this movie is above petty concerns like fun or asthetics. The target audience for this movie a) people who don’t like Batman or superheroes in general and b) the kind of Batman fans who claim Stephanie Brown was never Robin because she’s a girl. The sort of fans who purchased All-Star Batman & Robin and TDKR II. The only redeeming feature of this film is Cillian Murphy.

6. 2008′s The Dark Knight. You probably remember this movie being fun, and you’re not wrong exactly, but what you’re actually remembering is Heath Ledger. Ledger is fun in this movie, and he’s so god-damned fun he comes really close to redeeming the entire film. With a different film-maker he probably would have done, but this is Nolan, so instead of being a fun stupid romp, this another Serious Movie. The camp is undercut but the seriousness, the seriousness is undercut by the camp, the script makes no sense whatsoever, and the result is so confused that, like Suicide Squad, viewers find they’ve forgotten a lot of what they actually saw and just remembered the points of interest. Every time I rewatch this film I’m surprised by half of what happens in it, because my brain has blocked out everything that it’s Heath Ledger or Michael Cain, and I’m definitely not alone in that. Also it’s a Nolan movie, so it desperately doesn’t want to be a superhero movie. Superhero movies don’t win Oscars and Oscar nominations are the only way Nolan can feel joy anymore. (Obviously that’s a joke. Christopher Nolan has never felt joy.)

7. 2012′s The Dark Knight Rises is actually my favourite of the Nolan films, despite being technically the worst. The plot is so nonsensical and confused that it actually forgets to be a Serious Movie for whole minutes at a time and becomes something approaching a Batman movie. A lot of that is Anne Hathaway, who is doing the best job of elavating a terrible script through great acting that I have even seen. The fact that you like or care about her character is down entirely and exclusively to Hathaway’s charm and charisma. Apart from that it’s another Nolan ‘Batman is stupid that’s why I made three movies about him’ movie. Also the fight choreography in this is really bad. Like, form an orderly queue inside the shot so we can all atttack Batman one at a time but the audience can see us waiting our turn Bad. The only person doing a good job with the fighting is Hathaway’s stunt-double, who is doing it all in one of the most impractical outfits ever put on screen.

8. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Some people liked this film, and that’s fine. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking a bad film - hell I almost exclusively like bat films. Batfleck was pretty good casting, and Henry Caville looks a lot like Superman. Snyder is for the most part a very good technical film-maker, who has a lot of fun with the camera. Amy Adams is woefully miscast, but it’s not like she’s not a great actor. It’s just... I’m sorry guys, I know that saying a bad film is bad is now seen as a personal attack on the people who liked it, but it’s just a bad movie! The editing is terrible, the script is dire, laughably bad in places, and worst of all, it hates Superheroes. It hates Superheroes so much the only DC canon it could think to adapt was Frank Miller’s extended fuck you to comic-book fans. The picked as the source material for a movie with Superman’s name on it, a comic by a writer who openly hates Superman! Also there’s plot contrivances, there’s plot holes, and then there’s people thinking Superman shot someone. With a gun. When he has lazer eyes. David Ayer has never written a good script in his life, and if he worked in any other industry he’d have stopped getting work two decades ago, but this is probably the worst thing he’s written.

So yeah, Batman & Robin is the only good Batman movie, because it’s the only one that is about Batman. It is totally shameless, high camp that knows it’s high camp, knows Superheroes are inherently stupid and that that’s not the same as worthless or uninteresting, knows Batman is only as interesting as his supporting cast, and revels in it. (And the most frustrating thing is, given a better script this is exactly the kind of movie Snyder would probably have made. More gold and abs and less neon, but kooky over-the-top fun that doesn’t think a film has to be art to be worthwhile. Fucker Ayer and the people who hired him for denying us that.)