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ally-holmes · 2 years ago

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Beware of the dragon | Anders Johnson x Fem!Reader

My Fanfic Masterlist | Multifandom

Fandom: The Almighty Johnsons

Pairing: Anders Johnson x Dragon!Fem!Reader

Rating: General.

Content Warnings: free call on mythical creatures, swearing, jealousy.

Summary: The Johnsons are humans again, but their relationship with the Norse gods is not quite done yet. The woman Anders had been longing for shows up holding a red stone and asking for Colin which proves that she wasn’t a mortal as he had thought. When she meets Colin, Anders starts to feel a very disturbing feeling of jealousy. Will he do something about it?

Word Count: 5140

Also avialable on AO3

This work was created to be part of the Deanobingo2023 event by @deanobingo It fills the Character Card with Anders Johnson and the General Prompt Card with Dimples and Jealousy.

Beware of the dragon | Oneshot

Being a mortal sucked. That was Anders' conclusion after a full week without Bragi's powers. If it wasn't for Dawn he had no idea what would've happened to his company, seriously. It was ridiculous how much he had relied on his silver tongue to sweet-talk his clients, what the actual fuck. He knew his business, of course, and he still had the cute blue eyes, his nice smile with those dimples that made people look at him twice… Yeah, sure, Anders' had his tools, but they didn't work with everyone. However, he was a great judge of character and was able to understand if his client needed to fat their ego or if they were more on the 'saving people' end of the line. If only his business had not been blown before the whole stunt…

He wanted to get drunk after a tedious day at work. He had named Dawn as a partner of his company to acknowledge her talent and hard work, and even if they still had to cover her previous position by hiring someone, they decided to go celebrate. Ty, as might've been expected, had Mike agreed to them using the main floor of his place as a get-together point of reunion; they would drink, congratulate Dawn, probably at Anders' expense, and then they all would go to dinner or a pub or something. Ty was the guy with a plan, Anders' just wanted to get pissed.

As the Johnsons together with Dawn, Hanna, Gaia, Zeb, Michele, and Stacey entered the place, they found a woman behind the bar playing with a shining red stone. Her eyes looked at all of them as a predator would.

"Welcome home. Now, who's going to tell me where Colin Gunderson lives?"

When the others glanced at Anders looking for answers he had none to give. She had been occupying his mind for a week now as he thought that with his change of status, she would've forgotten him.

Thinking now, there must've been signs that pinned her down as something else than mortal.

The first time Anders saw her, she was surrounded by books in her cozy office. Her personal assistant had made him enter the room, but she was still so focused on her books that she hadn't noted the new presence, or so the thought. Anders cleared his throat and her intense look pierced his soul, his skin breaking into goosebumps. As he introduced himself in the name of his company, she accepted his presence as well as the idea of having her publishing company work with J: PR.

Anders was unable to forget her after that. She was a constant presence in the back of his mind, never suffocating or incapacitating, just there. As time went by, Anders found himself seeking her company in a platonic way. He longed so hard for her that he just took whatever she was willing to give. The idea of using his powers to have her was out of the question, just as much as the possibility of her finding him attractive or worthy. Anders had no idea why the fuck he thought that, but the moment those eyes glued to his, he was unable to be pretentious.

Then the whole incident with Rosie happened. She had shown up to J: PR with a frown and a clenched jaw.

"What the fuck have you done?" She scolded.

"I haven't done anything," he put on his best innocent facade. "Look, if Rosie gave him the pills it's just–"

"Don't you dare to lie to me," she seemed to growl, her voice deeper than usual, coming out from the core of her chest. Anders' mouth dried out.

"He's a better client. That's all. This is business." His own confession surprised him.

She sighed with disappointment. "You had a loyal client and you just stabbed her in the back. Am I supposed to expect the same behavior on your part, Anders?"

"Never." His voice waved. "I will never do something like this to you!"

"How can I believe you now?" Her shoulders dropped with exhaustion. "I think it's better if we part ways."

"What? No. Hey, come on, don't do this. I'll fix it! I will!"

First Dawn quit her job wearing earplugs and now this. Bragi's voice itched in his throat, willing to be of use and this time avoid her for leaving him. It never came up. She turned around and left the office while he was frozen in place unable to say anything else, unable to process the panic that was crawling under his skin.

He had to fix the situation, and he did. He fixed Rosie's reputation, engaged Dawn in the job again, and, finally, he went to The Hoard Publishing. She listened to everything he had to say, which was good, but unnerving at the same time. When she accepted to keep the business relationship Anders felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

That's how their weekly dinner meetings started. Every Tuesday, Anders would go to The Hoard Publishing with some takeout after work and just have dinner with her there while talking about nothingness. When he was in her cozy office he felt more at home than in his apartment. The furniture was homey with warm tones, fabrics, and woodwork. She had a couple of armchairs that screamed comfort. The walls of the room were dressed with shelves from floor to ceiling, all of them heavily stocked with books. It didn't matter where he looked, books were piling up on every surface, and each week the books that surrounded her on the desk were different. He should've felt overwhelmed and even claustrophobic in that environment, but instead, he felt content.

More times than not, Anders felt the pull of just blurting out his with to properly date her although he wasn't the dating type; maybe that's what stopped him. He didn't want a one-stand with her and the possibilities of him engaging in a long-term relationship were scarce.

That's when his mother sent him away looking for Yggdrasil. All that time away, all those Tuesday nights missed, for the damn stick to get hold of at Customs. Not only that! His baby brother got super sick and forced them to lose their powers, the egg.

Everything was wrong, wrong, wrong.

"What happened to your face? Are you applying for a dwarf role in the new Peter Jackson production or something?" She asked with a sweet smile when he finally gathered the courage to visit.

"You don't like my beard?"

"Hides your dimples."

"So, you like my dimples, then?"

"You love yourself way too much, Anders."

He shrugged, "If not me, then who?"

She nodded accepting his logic. After that, it was as if he had never left. He was afraid that the time without seeing each other would make the reunion awkward, but it was the opposite. Anders felt like he was finally complete, and that was terrifying.

Then Helen happened, and Gaia after that, which filled Anders with so many contradictory feelings that he decided to avoid the publisher as much as possible. He hated it, of course, and not only because she was the only big client in his company after the big fiasco next to the people from the uneatable cereal and the dog food.

"Tell me you're not sticking your nose in politics." Was the first text in weeks that she sent to Anders.

How she found out was a mystery. Yes, Colin had offered Anders a huge amount of money for helping him with the campaign to be Auckland's new mayor. He wanted that, needed that thrill, that emotion, the idea of being him behind someone else's success. His name flew mouth-to-mouth until his company became the most requested of them all. Of fucking course he wanted that!!

They stopped talking since then and Anders kept telling himself that it was because he was too busy with Colin's campaign and that his Tuesday nights were full.

One day, for whatever reason, she walked into J: PR after Ty as he was in a rush to deliver something. She waited patiently while Dawn signed the receipt. The office was full of life with workers for the campaign, not that she paid attention to anything; Anders had seen her appear and debated on whether or not to get up and do some small talk. Ty turned to leave finding the door blocked by Colin. After a few uncomfortable words, Anders' brother left and Colin asked Dawn for something.

She was happy to wait, obviously, but she didn't like to be ignored by Dawn as she made a beeline to Anders' desk to ask him about the whole deal between Ty and Colin. Once her curiosity was mostly satisfied she turned to go back to her seat suddenly realizing that the publisher was there, waiting.

"Dawn, could you get me the documents we talked about?" she asked the blonde.

"Oh! Of course, sorry."

The woman searched in her workplace for said documents while Colin took in the publisher's presence. He looked at her head to toe a couple of times before wearing his best smile and playing with his best manners.

"I'm afraid we've not been introduced," he offered his hand. "My name is Colin Gunderson, and I am now running for mayor."

She shook his hand introducing herself with weary eyes, "I'm not really into politics, Mr. Gunderbar."

"Gunderson," he corrected with a polite smile.

"Sure," she dismissed his correction.

"You know, I'm looking forward to improving the well-being of our marvelous city. You might not be into politics, but I'm sure there's something you'll want to improve, isn't it?"

"I guess, although I doubt you have the citizens' best interest at heart, Mr. Gundermorguen."

"Gunderson," he grumbled. "I totally understand your skepticism, as you have not heard yet my great proposal. Anders! Anders, tell this beautiful woman about my campaign."

Anders, who was having a great time with her intentional mistakes on Colin's last name, started talking about it but got cut out when she seethed.

"I don't care. And, Mr. Gunderthunder–"

"Gunderson."

"–I'm very good at pointing out liars. Want to know why? Because their mouths stink from all the bullshit that comes out of them. Now, give me back my hand, Mr. Gundermoth, as I want to leave."

Colin was obfuscated. He was clenching his jaw with ire, biting down his comeback as he still wanted to be on Dawn's good side. Anders saw that on him as much as the mischievous grin the publisher gifted them. Once she had the documents in her hands, she left without looking back.

"What was in those documents?" He asked Dawn as Colin decided to have some alone time in the bathroom.

"The information about her company that we've collected over the time she's been our client. Her new PR company needed it."

"New what?"

"I told you like a thousand times, Anders. Do you really not listen to me? The Hoard Publishing canceled our contract. Thank god it was just after you decided to do this campaign with Colin or we would be drowning."

Everything was dark in Anders' heart after that. When Colin insinuated using Bragi's power to lure Dawn into sleeping with him it was the last straw. Anders was cunning and power motivated, sure, but he had standards and principles; especially since Rosie's incident, his conscience had developed extra roots. Without Colin's money, J: PR got back to anguish. Anders hesitated for a few weeks until he decided to suck it up and drag his cute little bum into The Hoard Publishing; he begged and pleaded, but even in his desperation he did not resort to Bragi.

She had accepted to renew her faith in him and Anders pushed his luck further by inviting himself on Tuesday night to have dinner with her like before. It had been awkward at first, but he had missed it so much that he overlooked the uneasiness. He even flirted with her!!

Understanding that after the ritual between Odin and Frigg, the mortals would forget about them, that she was going to forget everything about him, it was quite a shock.

On his penultimate day as Bragi, Anders burst into her office and slashed open his heart and soul to her. He didn't tell her about the god stuff because he knew it was insane, but he explained the sleepless nights he spent thinking of her, of how much he longed for her touch, her smile, her undivided attention… His palms were sweaty and his breath was shaky while waiting for any kind of reaction on her part.

She looked at him over at the manuscript she had been correcting, blinking slowly as she took him in. He swallowed feeling extremely vulnerable and exposed. Cautiously, the same way a predator would approach a prey, she closed the distance between them and caressed his cheek with a feathery touch. Anders gasped when her fingernails scratched his stubble. He had kissed a lot of women since he hit puberty; this was different. That kiss made his skin burn with desire, his finger itching with want, and moans creeping on the back of his throat unable to stop them.

The realization hit him when they were recovering from a night of nonstop lovemaking; he had no clue about what to do to make her remember him. He wasn't Ty, he didn't know if he was able to work extra hard to win her over again. Especially since he had no fucking idea how he had done it, to begin with.

That's how he had ghosted her for the whole day as he slept with Michele, went with her and Mike to the casino, and, finally, participated in the ritual by saying his goodbyes to Bragi. Hence how Anders hadn't seen her in a while.

He gaped at her as she was waiting patiently for them to speak.

As she seethed, she turned around the bar to sit on one of the stools.

"Do I have to repeat myself?"

"We don't know where Colin is." Ty squared his shoulders to look bigger.

She crocked her head to the side taking a deep breath through her nose. "It doesn't smell like a lie, but it's not a truth either. I don't like it. Too ambiguous. Also, it's not what I asked Tyrone. Where does he live?"

"I'm sorry, but what is this about?" Mike stepped forward.

"Well, Bragi told me that Loki never made it to Asgard, and Odin's certain that the asshole is still here. As they're now happily away from Midgard they've decided to use me to clean their mess," she looked to the ceiling, "although I. AM. NOT. YOUR. PET."

"A dragon!!" Olaf yelled with a sudden realization.

Ingrid looked at her, eyes wide. "Of course�� Oh, we've been so blind! I knew there was something off with you."

"Wait. Wait! I'm not getting what's going on here," Anders walked closer to her but kept a secure distance. "Firstly, what do you mean that you've talked to Bragi? And secondly, what the fuck do they mean by you being a dragon?"

"Your confusion smells funny, Anders." There it was, the predatory smile that made his heart flutter.

"Dragons are mythological creatures just as giants or dwarfs, though scarce. They're possessive, and they hoard. I didn't know they had a good relationship with gods," Ingrid explained, the publisher who was, in fact, a dragon got up to the stool and faced her with a finger pointing menacingly.

"Hey! We wouldn't have eaten gods if they stopped trying to hunt us down for our skin. And my hoard is none of your business, mortal."

"They're also patient creatures when suited, but they have some fierce temperament. They have an extremely sensitive sense of smell. Hello," Ingrid finished slightly uncomfortable with the dragon's proximity.

She snarled and retreated to her stool, crossing her arms over her chest. "You know, now that you're mortals and away from the gods' business, the best thing for you would be to just answer my question and I would be out of your sight."

"You can't just show up saying Loki's still here and expect us to pretend we don't care," Mike stated.

"Why not?"

"Because we care!"

She scrunched her nose, "Liar. You don't care, you're just bored with your mortal life." Mike started to complain, but she wasn't paying attention to him, her head shot up looking at the ceiling. "Oi! Shut the fuck up, you smug idiot. Do I look like I'm wasting time on purpose? If you're so worried, get your pretty ass down here and DO THE JOB YOURSELF!"

Massaging her temples she sighed, and locked her eyes with Anders', "How did you manage to share a life with Bragi without developing a chronic migraine?"

"It's not like he talked to me directly."

"He did," she dismissed. "What? Well, I guess not with precise words and using his own voice, but he definitely communicated with you. And now won't shut up."

"All right, as former Odin, I propose we all calm down and you explain what you want with Colin. Try to do it like we were toddlers," Axl quickly added sensing her patience shaking.

Apparently, after the ritual, Loki had left for Midgard, but he never made it to Asgard because Colin had used that red stone to link Loki. He had thrown the stone at the ground when everyone was leaving, only to return later and use it to drive Loki back. The god was now powerful enough to use his magic to shapeshift until his appearance was the same as Colin's. In the beginning, both of them had lived in Auckland but Mortal!Colin was too egocentric to subdued himself to God!Colin, which ended up with Loki using the stone to absorb the mortal; then he got rid of it, and because he's a nostalgic little shit, he threw it at the same spot where the ritual took place.

Bragi, who had been pestering her since he had gone to Asgard, warned her about the Loki situation and she performed the investigation that gave them answers, but she had no idea where she could find Colin as his old house had been sold.

"And are you strong enough to force Loki out of here?" Mike asked skeptically.

"I haven't eaten a mortal in five hundred years, Mikkel, want to be the one who breaks my record?" She snarled.

"We can lure him here," Axl proposed and his brothers voiced their concerns and complaints. "Hear me out. He's pretending to be Colin, he'll come here, especially if Mike challenges his virility and power. Then she can take him down or whatever. I think it's easier than looking for him somewhere else. I'm sure that he knows Odin had noticed his absence."

"Huh… It's interesting to see that you can use your brain from time to time, Axl." She pinned Mike with her eyes, "Call him then."

"I don't have his phone number."

She growled shaking her head in disgust, "Do not lie to me."

"Do it, Mike," Anders ordered with a frown.

"Fine," Mike threw his arms into the air in surrender.

As he was lying on the phone, she scratched her nose in disgust. Anders was unable to tear his eyes from her. Paying attention to her using the new information in his mind, he was able to pin down the elements that screamed what she was. First, it was her whole demeanor. She held herself as she was bigger and stronger than she looked, she owned every room she stepped into with her precise movements, her chin up, and her eyes scanning the place as if she was looking for someone. Now Anders thought that she was probably looking for a menace. Dragons, as he understood, were very weary of their surroundings and not particularly social, that's why it shocked him extra hard the fact that she welcomed him into her lair (her office in The Hoard Publishing) weekly.

"You hoard books," he voiced one of his conclusions about her.

Apparently, the change of subject helped her focus on the smell of his words instead of Mike's. "Knowledge, mostly. But, as it turned out, knowledge comes in books. They smell good as well."

"You knew? That I was a god, I mean."

"Yes. Bragi has always had a particular smell; like when the bananas are so ripe that although they're still sweet, they have an acid undertone." She seemed to deem for a moment, pursing her lips. "However, it was very subtle and I must admit that I missed it at the beginning. Your own essence blocked Bragi's."

"My essence? What– What do I smell like?"

"Sex. Weed. Smoke. Chemicals from the drugs. And lies. It's a very intense… odor. No offense."

"Yes, offense! What the fuck? If I smell that bad why did you spend time with me willingly?"

"Because you smell better when you're being honest. Plus, on Tuesday nights you paid extra attention to not smoking, or drinking, although I'm positive it was unconsciously."

Thinking about it, she was right. He noticed how she subtly kept more distance between them if he had smoked or drank that day, and then he stopped having sex on both Mondays and Tuesdays just to be closer to her. All this time he thought she had some sort of analytic eye, like the detectives of noir novels.

Once Colin accepted the meeting, she busied herself playing with the red stone at the bad, twisting it and turning it like a spinning top. The Johnsons and the former goddess were free to go and do whatever they wanted at that point, she didn't need them anymore, but they were all so captivated by being in the presence of a dragon that leaving seemed unnatural. Pouring themselves some spirituous drinks, the mortals gathered away from her where they could still look at her while mumbling their wildest hypothesis.

Anders didn't like the picture in front of him. They had made her into a zoo attraction, a wild animal bored to death in a glass cage with thousands of tourists peeping in wanting for it to suddenly become a savage ball of raw rage. She was doing her best to ignore them, focusing her attention on the stone, but Anders knew her well enough to see how her nonchalance was a facade. She was gifting them her patience, which was one step behind on running out.

She started to whisper under her breath and Anders thought she was probably cursing them for using her as a freak show, that was until he heard her say Bargi's name. A conversation, that is what it was. Bragi was having a conversation with the dragon, one that only she could listen to and understand. Oh, Anders hated it. His stomach started to turn, a sour undertaste overflowing in his mouth. If she had known he was Bragi's vessel this whole time, would it mean that she wanted to fuck Bragi to begin with? That night in which Anders threw himself into honesty in front of her, did she accept him because of him or because of Bragi.

Fuck, he was jealous.

That was new. He had never experienced jealousy like that. He'd had troubled thoughts due to his brothers and the attention they received from their mother when they were young, sure. He'd envied Ty and how easily people seemed to like him even with his poor anger management. But jealousy because someone he was interested in was more interested (or could be more interested) in someone else? Never. It was new and he didn't know if he was able to control it. That was frightening. He'd seen a lot of people do stupid things because they were jealous, including hurting the people they most cared about, and he didn't want to be just that toxic towards anyone, much less towards her.

Abruptly, she picked up the stone, put it in her pocket, and jumped the bar hiding behind it. Colin entered Mike's place seconds later as if he owned it, almost dancing with each step exuding confidence. When he saw the congregation he said some sarcastic and bitter remarks unaware of the woman that closed the exit on his back.

"Sit." To the growl in her voice, Colin turned immediately eyeing her.

"I know you, you were the lady not interested in politics. Well, I'm not running for mayor anymore."

In a fluid movement, she pushed the man into a chair sitting on top of him, her chest vibrating with her constant growl.

"Uh, is this a lap dance?"

"What does the red stone do, Gunderbar?" She growled.

"I'm Gunderson. Colin Gunderson. And I have no clue what are you talking about. Hey! Johnsons! Do something with this crazy woman!"

She smiled showing her teeth to be dangerously sharp. The iris in her eyes changed to an unnatural green as her pupil slanted vertically and the white in them disappeared. As her growling increased her chest and throat started to glow.

"Fuck! Get off me!! Johnsons, a hand!!"

"You've been naughty, Loki Laufeyson."

"I'm not Loki, I'm Colin."

She grabbed his face, claws instead of fingernails, keeping him in place as her other hand ripped his clothing. "Lying liar that lies. I hate it. They don't smell good. Talk the truth."

Logically, Anders knew he should be scared while the woman he knew was turning more and more into a dragon, but he couldn't help the arousal that broke his skin into goosebumps. However, at the same time, there was a bitter twist setting in the pit of his stomach. The jealousy was hitting him hard again, this time not because of her close friendly relationship with Bragi, but because of bloody Colin. Yes, she was menacing at the moment, with Colin completely at her mercy, yet she was sitting on top of him, touching him, the distance between their faces almost inexistent… Anders hated it. He was fucking jealous and he wanted them to break apart immediately.

Her claws had broken Colin's skin on his chest, but he wasn't buggering. Anders could see how Mike was growing restless with her interrogation, perhaps he was questioning whether she was right or not about Loki's identity. When his brother moved just slightly to intervene, Anders grabbed his arm pulling him behind his back. The dragon's eyes darted toward them calculating the odds. Anders shook his head praying that she got the message.

"My patience had run out. Open your mouth."

Colin fought to break free, but dragons are naturally strong. With one hand on his hair pulling his head backward and another on his jaw, she made him open his mouth. The light on her chest and throat gleamed stronger, she put her mouth on top of his and the fire entered his body illuminating it from the inside. As she pulled away, the audience stood dumbfounded as Colin had just swallowed the fire with no consequence.

"God of fire," Anders mumbled.

"A dragon. Of course. I should've known that my dear father would send a bloody dragon to catch me. What now, deathly monster?"

"The stone," before he could tell something, she inserted her claws into his stomach making him whine in pain. "Only the truth."

"The mortal's inside."

"Oi, hot stuff, you there?" She looked at the ceiling. "Hum… That's going to let a big hole in this place." She tilted her head, "Okay, that sounds better. You, up, Odin's going to grab you."

Dragging him by the nape, she pulled Colin outside followed by the Johnsons. A strong white light illuminated them and suddenly the dragon and Loki were gone, in their place was a red stone that burst open with a magical light; a very human, very mortal, and very naked Colin Gunderson stood in front of them complaining.

The Hoard Publishing was still active, therefore Anders drove there after three showers and a long speech in front of the mirror full of truths and honesty knowing that his breath would smell better then. Uninvited and unwanted, he strode inside her office where she was correcting a manuscript, just like the time he slept with her.

"I miss you."

She frowned. Her head tilted to the side and her nose twisted just slightly; his smell must've surprised her because she blinked fast after a sniff in his direction.

"I've wanted you for a long time, but I didn't think you would want me. When I finally gathered the courage… Fuck, you were supposed to be mortal. If I knew you were going to remember me… I… I didn't look for you after becoming mortal because I thought you deserved better than me."

"And don't I now?"

"No. Yes! I mean… Yes, you still deserve better, so much better than me, yet I reckon I'm a better option than Bragi, you know? That dude's married. And– And although I'm a mortal now I know that you're a dragon so you won't have to hide it from me. I'll be completely yours… If you want. If you– If you'd have me."

Damned his voice and how it died with uncertainty at the end of his speech. Nonetheless, he stood there, unable to tear his eyes from her, praying to the gods that he could have this, just this one thing. Ty had Dawn and the mortal life that he so much craved when he was Mr. Freezer. Mike had a big bank account and Hanna with him. Axl had gotten back with Gaia and Zeb was still his best friend. Anders had nothing but loneliness.

She giggled softly pushing herself away from the desk. With a relaxed demeanor, the dragon approached him, a predatory smile sketched on her face. Anders remained still, waiting. Her hands hovered over his arms and shoulders, his skin breaking into goosebumps as his breath became fast and needed.

"Bragi warned me about your insecurities, but I still had faith in your rampant avidity. I knew that you wanted me and that, sooner or later, you'll come back to me."

"You don't like Bragi better then?" He whispered almost voiceless.

"That posh bastard? Not even as a meal."

"Good. That's good."

Her lips ghosted around his yet Anders did not break the distance, waiting patiently for her. He was the prey, in the end, he had to act like one.

"You smell very tempting today, Anders. Did you make an effort for me?"

"Yes."

To his truth, she moaned. "That's good."

Before he could rejoice in the praise, her lips captured Anders', and he resourced to full-on melt with it.

The End

#deanobingo2023 #Dean O'Gorman #dean ogorman #fanfic #fanfiction #anders johnson #anders johnson x reader #fem reader #The Almighty Johnsons #dragon #bingo

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uilanimakame-blog · 4 months ago

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7-22-2024

Sometimes.. when you have a question that you're not sure if you want answered... just don't ask.

I'm so tired of feeling like I will never be enough. I'm so tired of feeling like no matter what I do, i won't be someone's first choice, i won't be the right person, i just won't be enough.

I try so hard to make everyone happy. When is it going to be my turn? When am i finally going to have someone who thinks of me and just wants me to be happy. Someone so in love with me i don't have to ask any questions because they'll be completely vocal with me and let me know how they feel and i can trust them. I'll never be left wondering. I'll never know the feeling of being surrounded by people but feeling like the only person in the room.

I'm just constantly doubting myself with no validation. i get no validation unless i ask for it. i'm just in such a dark place right now. sometimes i genuinely feel like everyone would just be better off without me. and i've felt this way so many times before. in all honesty it's not like my life matters. i'm not out there changing the world. I'm not changing any ones lives.. i just exist. and i'm not even good at that. i'm not good at anything other than self deprecation and crying lol. i can't be consistent with anything. my work ethic is a B+ average. i'm not that smart, i'm pretty sure i have autism and not even the good kind that makes you super smart or super good at something. my anxiety is so severe i can't even eat certain foods. i have trouble letting go of the past. i obsessively research the dumbest things. I'm terrible with money just because i want to make other people happy. i can never put my own needs first. i don't even know what my own needs are. i don't even know who i am. i feel like i wake up every day and go to work and go home. which my home is a mess, i'm fucking disgusting and i don't know why i am the way that i am. i hate myself. i hate everything about myself. i dont understand why i'm so different. why cant i just be like everyone else? why can't i dress like all the other girls? why can't i have beautiful hair and a nice body with a slim feminine face? why am i not attractive to others? why is it that whenever i go out with my friends everyone else gets hit on. it's not that i'm looking for that but i mean it would be nice to be validated the same way that they are? i just feel so fat and disgusting all the time it's like that's something thats never going to change. even at my lightest, most fit i was still fucking disgusting. why do i look like a man, why do i have these broad ass shoulders? why do i have this thing on the back of my neck? why cant i just be naturally beautiful? why am i so fucking different. why do people talk over me. why doesn't any one find me interesting or want to hear the things i say? what if i cant have children? i can't cook, i suck at cleaning, i have no fucking purpose in this world. God, if you're reading this, please let me know what you think my purpose is because i have no clue. i've tried everything and i feel so useless. i need help.

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jodilin65 · 33 years ago

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SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1991 I returned home yesterday around 10:00 in the morning. All of us had gotten up at 7:30 that morning. I had had only 4 hours of sleep. It was never as hard as I thought it would be to get up the whole time I was there. My sleeping hours varied from 4-8 hours a night. Usually, it was 6 hours. I’ve got to be careful now as I got up at 4:30 this afternoon. I went to bed last night at around 2 AM. All that running around and constant activity and lack of sleep caught up to me. I’m not used to getting up early in the morning so many days in a row.

Kim quit her job at New Medico and may be returning to Baystate rather than Mercy Hospital. She said that starting January 6th, she’ll never be home. I told her she never is anyway. She currently is working 3 days a week but has a billion other activities. She said she did this as she figured (along with Tammy and me) that I’d be moving on January 2nd. I wonder why she makes it a point to try to never be home? Could it be cuz of Mark? I don’t know, cuz she’s always complaining about how she never sees him.

Well, I think I’ll write more about my visit with Tammy, Bill, and the girls later. Believe me, I have lots to write. I had a lot of fun, yet at the same time, it’s cool to be home.

I’m gonna go and listen to music and watch some videos they’ve lent me. Also, Kim’s home.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1991 Today was the Thanksgiving dinner which was very nice. Tammy’s a swell cook.

Bill’s sister and niece were here and they’re both very nice. It has been quite some time since I’ve last seen them. At one point, Tammy, Etta (Bill’s sister) and I discussed the funny and creative parts of my phone calls, told jokes and Etta even heard a part of the edits. She also saw my drawings.

I’ve had more fun than I’d anticipated. It was great playing with the girls and seeing all their toys and stuff.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1991 I just got a bunch of new markers. They were supposed to be for one of those geometrical design drawing books, but we couldn’t find any at the mall. We also could not find Gloria’s songbook. It seems as if no one has it. I can’t understand why. I got 32 markers though. I got 16 skinny ones and 16 fat ones. Even though I was unable to find my design book, I’m sure I can find plenty of other uses for these markers.

Lastly, I got two new and very beautiful journals. They’re just as nice as this one, which I consider my best except they have no gold trim.

I’ll probably wait till I get home before I really write. I mean, about my visit here along with other stuff. That way I’ll have privacy and will be able to concentrate a lot better.

I only hope and pray to God I move soon, but still, what kind of life will I have? Will I ever meet anyone? I’m gonna miss my apartment so much and even now, I’m feeling a little homesick.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1991 Believe it or not, I just let Tammy read part of this journal. She asked if she could and when I asked why she said it was so she can understand my thoughts. I figured that half of the stuff she’d never understand or couldn’t relate to. She and I are two totally different people. Our dreams, goals, wants, needs, personalities and ways of life. I’m a conversationalist and an open person. Of course, I have my moods but I like to laugh as much as I can. I like to try and not take things so seriously if I can. If a person can’t understand something I say, I give up right then and there.

Tammy’s really changed the place around since I was last here. It looked smaller than I remembered when I arrived here. Probably cuz she’s gotten a lot more stuff. Plants and knickknacks and all kinds of stuff. Also, it probably appears smaller as I moved to a place much bigger.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1991 I’m lying here on my bed while I write. Shadow is lying next to me. I’ll miss him when I’m gone. He’s not used to not having me around, so I’ll have to cat-proof the place. Meaning anything he can destroy will need to be put in drawers or closets. Poor little guy. Kim’s going to feed him and play with him. Also, she’s gonna grab my mail for me. I still have some last-minute things to do before I go. I’ve got to finish making my Chanukah banner and pack some last-minute items. Things like my CDs, meds, drawing stuff and this journal if I do not finish it in time. I still have to change Shadow’s litter box.

Tammy said we can leave anytime we want but to call her when we’re on our way. I’m on antibiotics that make me drowsy so I hope I’ll sleep a few hours before we leave. It’s damp, rainy, miserable weather out and that may make it easier to sleep. I also played a little guitar last night which also helped me to relax. I’ll also need to take a shower before I leave as my hair needs to be conditioned. I also want to straighten my hair out, do my nails and shave. I’ve shaved my calves and under my arms but I want to shave my thighs. I will set the VCR to record In the Heat of the Night and Law & Order. Tammy says there’s a TV downstairs so I can watch what I want down there. But if I’m busy, that’s the show I’d not want to miss most of all.

At 8:00 or 9:00 tonight, it’d sure be nice to sleep till 4:00 or 5:00. I know that’s wishful thinking, though.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1991 Only another two days before I get the hell out of this cage. Don’t get me wrong, though. There’s only so much of being around people I can take. Therefore, when it’s time to come back, I’ll be happy about it. Not for too long though. Eventually, I’ll be climbing the walls again in utter boredom. Especially if I do not move by Jan. 2nd. Of course, I’ll be up all fucking night long so I’ll write and sit here waiting till Andy calls. That’ll be any minute now.

I thought Kim was coming over to read Andy’s letter. Oh, of course not. 98% of the time she’s busy, tired, working, sleeping or on the phone. I do appreciate her picking up my refills, though.

As much as I like Kim and admire her in several ways, remember what I always said? I give what I get. And even though I don’t expect to be with her all the time, she led me to believe we’d be doing more things together. I feel very abandoned even though she had her own problems. She knows how I feel, too. We’ve talked and I know she hates her job and has been overburdened by Bob. She’s going to be quitting her job, though. We’ve discussed many things and I am so happy about the many things she’s done for me. She really has helped me out here and there, mainly with money. But at the same time, she knew what she was doing from day one. She knew what she’s told me. She’s abandoned me since day one. As much as I have numerous things to be grateful for, I must give her what she’s given me. That is to abandon her 100% when I move. I’m sorry but I’ve got to do it. Within reason, I treat others as they treat me. She is, however, a character I will never ever forget and am very lucky to have really gotten to know. Kim and I have many ideas, philosophies, and interests in common yet she is the complete opposite I usually never get. She is that so-called “up there” and “decent” person I never could get as a friend, one-nighter, or a lover. I am accepted by people like her once in a lifetime and I know I’m good enough and deserve her type now. However, people like her will no doubt continue to draw false or harsh conclusions about me. I know that and I accept that but that’s their problem and I know the truth. There are a lot of facts I’ll never be able to change but I’ll never take them to heart.

There are two different numbers that give you your horoscope and the bulk of the things they say are true. However, since they’re talking about people of my sign in general, some things are a little off. They said not to spend the holidays entirely with my family. Do I have a choice?

Andy just called and we were just starting to chat when his neighbor Laurie came over. He’s gonna give me my one-ring signal later.

I’ve got to get a battery pack for my cordless phone Kim gave me. She said she’d pick one up as she was going to the phone store they’re sold at but never did. Even though they cost around $8, from what she told me, I’ll pick it up myself. Just giving me that phone along with other stuff she didn’t want is so generous. It’ll be a while before I can afford to buy it, but when I do, they’re supposed to last up to a year.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1991 I am so pissed! Why oh, why can’t I fucking fall asleep? I know I’ll be up till 4:00 or 5:00. I used to like being a night person and now I hate it. If I absolutely had to get up at the same time every day, I’d only sleep for 4 hours or so. I am exhausted, though. I’m drop-dead tired. So then why can’t I sleep? I don’t want to take up sleeping pills. You need more and more of those to knock you out as time goes on, they’re addicting too, and you also need to take an upper to wake up in the morning. I’m so fucking pissed!

Later…

I had a bite to eat and listened to some tapes and CDs for a while. It is now time for me to try my damnedest to fall asleep. I know the main part of the problem is the Theodur besides being a night person. Perhaps I didn’t have enough coffee. You know how that is for a hyperactive person. It reverses more or less. Four cups a day helps a lot usually. A calmer person would only become more revved up by 4 coffees. Right now I’m not energetic or upset about anything in particular.

I sure as hell can’t write worth a damn when I’m exhausted. I hate being so tired yet unable to sleep, so if anything’s ticking me off at the moment, that’s it.

The only issue in my life right now besides singing or sex is my tapes. It’s like losing a very big and special part of me and my life. No one else could ever understand that for the life of them cuz they do not know me and my life. Or the people I know and the experiences I’ve had. I understand that, but it is not up to anyone else to judge me. Not cops or doctors or lawyers or teachers or the lowest of all low lives on the earth. If I heard the tapes and did not know anyone on the tapes, I too would think, are these people crazy? What are they talking about? What does all this gibberish mean? Nonetheless, it is a big part of my life they’ve snatched from me which is totally wrong and unfair with or without me making those phone calls. Other than making prank phone calls, I have a right to tape whoever the hell I want to in the privacy of my own home. No matter if I’ve done something wrong or I’m a sweet little angel, some kind of authority figure is always snatching away the things I love and are important to me. Either that or it gets stolen or broken. I no longer respect cops the way I used to. Some yes, but mainly I will always carry a huge resentment towards them in general. I will always feel anger.

Later…

I have only 6 minutes to write as I promised Andy I’d call him back. He ran out to grab a burger and some smokes. God, is he ever miserable! Even though PHX is much cheaper than New England, he’s having severe financial problems. He took a test for AT&T with 30 people. Only one passed the test and it wasn’t him. He may go apply at another Denny’s but he’s sick of the graveyard shift. He too, is getting fed up with being a night person.

As far as relationships go, our desires have completely changed.

Speaking of Andy, he just called saying that after we hung up, he checked his voicemail. He had 4 messages and had to call everyone back. So now, he’s gone out to get his burger and his pack of cigarettes. I told him that when he’s ready to call, let it ring once. I’ll call him back at that point.

Damn! With all the long-distance calls and the 900-number calls I’ve made, I better get the hell out of here in January!

Besides the boring, isolated no life I have here, I hope and pray I get a nice place and get out fast.

Besides Andy’s money problems and missing me, he’s so lonely. All his life he never wanted love but now he’s wanting a full-time lover. He’s now willing to share a bed every night with the right person and do all the things lovers do. All my life I thought I’d pretty much get someone and keep them and hang onto them for life or as long as possible. That was what I once wanted until I found out all I want, need and can handle is sex. We both are so picky and are attracted to straights. That is one desire I’m proud, relieved, happy and content with after all the desires I wish constantly I could change. Wanting only sex, I mean. Both of us have moved to places we thought we’d be happier in when in fact we’re a zillion times more miserable. The only plus for him is the cheaper and nicer apt. The only plus for me is this beautiful apt. and the area. At least I can go to the store without a drug dealer asking me to buy or sell drugs.

Later…

I just called Tammy to tell her how pissed off I am that I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 in the morning. I had set my alarm for 10:00 but didn’t get out of bed till almost 1:00. Even if I did get out of bed at 10:00, I’d still be up till 4:00 or 5:00.

Peter showed the apartment today to a young couple.

I’ve finally gotten my long-awaited letter from Andy. He sent 3 pictures of himself along with a coupon for my coffee. I got some cigarette coupons, too. Also, a concert review of Gloria’s from the concert Andy went to. Getting his letter was great and it was really thoughtful of him to send the other stuff, but what about my photos? I’m thinking, aw shit! Now I gotta wait another 6 months for those? I told him I’ve waited long enough. I didn’t give them to him, and other people want to see them. I’m never lending another thing of mine to anyone and I know now for sure, I’ll never get my bathing suits from Jessie. Fine. She can have them, but our friendship is over and she’s out of my life.

One other thing I forgot to mention that Andy sent me. An article on how Gloria should wear longer dresses to cover up her chunky legs. Then she was compared with some other girl who they said had a dynamite figure. The only thing negative in her concert review was the Bacardi Breezer commercial shown on the big screens. They said, who wants to pay to see commercials? Also that Whitney Houston has better pipes than Gloria.

Later…

My show Reasonable Doubts with the good-looking deaf actress Marlee Matlin, who uses sign language, is not on tonight due to a movie. Bummer. The movie’s boring, too.

Fran isn’t home and he hardly ever is lately. He spends a lot of time at that girl’s house. The one he works with.

Kim dropped off my refill for Alupent and Theodur as well as an antibiotic called Augmentin. I’ve heard of it before and I sure hope it isn’t one of the ones that played with my stomach. Tammy says she’s taken it before with no problems. Tammy also said that her niece, as well as a friend of hers, has that gas problem in their stomachs, too. It is common, the doctor and she told me. They just take these lactose tablets that look like little wafers. They do not cause side effects or counteract with any medicines.

A few days ago, I got my period and had annoying cramps. Not to the point where I thought I’d die, but Kim gave me two Advil and contrary to my doubts, it killed my cramps. It has Motrin in it. I’ve had that before.

Kim says she’ll see me later to read Andy’s letter. Right now Kim’s busy with her friend Michelle who’s pretty, and of course, straight.

Later…

I am so bored right now it makes me sick. I plucked my eyebrows a little bit but not too thoroughly. It’s harder than all hell to try to do it on yourself. I threw some Hydrocortisone cream on my face. It is absolutely the best stuff I have ever used for zits. Also, Dr. L said that that’s what I should be using on my ear when it gets all red and irritated. Not antibiotic cream. Why do I always have to go through so many different doctors and wait so long for correct answers? Using the hydrocortisone cream is helping a lot so far.

I’m getting horny again and wish once again, I could fulfill that dream of going to bed with someone I’m turned on by. I know it’ll never happen but I’m only human. It comes and goes in phases. The last 5 days or so I’ve really had no desires. Of course, coming home from a gay bar makes me lose my appetite for a while. It’s disappointing. Once you’ve seen one gay woman (butch) you’ve seen them all. And, of course, the few that are fairly decent looking aren’t interested in me. Lastly, the ones who are very good-looking are straight. Oh well. You just can’t change destiny. That’s why nowadays I don’t 100% believe in negative or positive. I believe more in meant to be or not meant to be. I’ve gone into situations before numerous times, be it a band or music-related or women-related with a positive, determined and confident attitude, and failed. Yes, I know that’s life and everyone goes through it, but too many times is too many times. I feel like such an ass for believing I was gonna make it as a singer someday. How wrong I was in believing connections would come easier once developing my voice. How wrong I was in believing that growing and maturing and working on my looks would make meeting a woman easier. Especially when you don’t want a relationship, and believe me most people don’t. Men don’t want relationships more so than women, but overall, male or female, sex is THEE thing. You just have to be a hell of a lot more careful and cautious cuz of AIDS.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1991 I went to see Dr. Leitch this morning. God knows how the hell I got up, but I did.

I just realized I forgot to get a note from them to give to my probation officer. Tomorrow I’ll call them and ask them to mail me a note. I also have to call Cassandra and reschedule our Monday evening appointment.

I had a little chat with Nervous today and I guess not much has changed in his life. I wish he could see this apartment before I leave it.

I hope I get to sleep within a few hours. I want to keep my schedule somewhat normal. Peter will be showing the place tomorrow at 2:00. There sure will be a difference. It’s going to be a lot emptier looking in here since I threw all my knickknacks in the closets. I’ve really got to start rounding up more boxes if I’m definitely out of here on January 2nd.

I really want to check out trailer homes in trailer parks in CT. It’d be a nice change for a girl who loves variety and living in different places. It’d feel like I was at the beach or on vacation or on tour. Tammy tells me she’s checked into it and they’re too expensive. They’re the rent-to-own deal. Since I can’t create my own perfect dream home with a snap of my fingers with a pool, dance/gym room, I wish I could pick up this apartment and move it with me. I’ll probably end up in the same old apartment in an apartment-building type deal. There’ll be many apartments above, below and around me. I wish I could at least afford a duplex. I really like those.

Dr. Leitch refilled my meds and did a check-up on me. I am wheezing a bit more again and have been tight in the chest than I should be. That weather change really did a number on me. I complained about the very bloated gut that I have before during and after my period. He mentioned gas and certain symptoms that go along with it. I said that that’s what I’ve figured was the problem now for quite some time. I’ll be going for a lactose tolerance test on Dec. 9 and he says my problem is quite common. It isn’t at all dangerous or potentially fatal like asthma, but it sure is a royal pain. He said a pain in the butt. I said no, a pain in the gut. Why though, didn’t someone take care of this problem and do this test a long time ago? Oh well. Better late than never in this case. That’s for sure.

I haven’t spoken to Fran too much lately. He spends a lot of time at this girl’s house that he works with.

I hope to hell I get Andy’s letter and my pictures tomorrow. He’s owed me both for a long time. Whenever I do get his letter, I’ll copy it in journal 18. I know it has at least 8 pages. I hope he puts enough postage on it.

When I go to Tammy’s, I better remember to get my edits. I spoke with her a few times during the day and we discussed stuff I’m bringing down. She laughed when I told her I’d begun packing. You know how I like everything to be organized. I hate to wait until the last minute. Plus, I’m so anxious to hurry up and go. She told me to bring whatever I can. I have several things for all of them. Stuff I don’t need or want along with stuff I’ve made. I also told her I’d make a Happy Chanukah banner. I started that and I’ll finish it tomorrow. I’ll also be bringing my drawing pad and I’ll finish their swing set picture there with the girls. I have those placemat things I made. I’ve made two already and I have another one that’s half-finished. I’ll also bring my skinny yarn for making bracelets. I still have to finish Andy’s bracelet and mail him my last two Chanukah cards with typed lines on them. I’ll mail his card along with Mom and Dad’s right before I leave. I’m bringing down two pairs of roller skates Kim gave me. They’re a size 9! I hope one of the girls gets tall. Somebody’s got to end up taller than me.

I got a scale in the mail along with those 3 wool blankets with the different designs. I already have a scale and I know they do too, but maybe it broke. Tammy says she loves ducks and one of the blankets has a pretty duck design. The others are flowers and an Indian print.

She said she got a shipment in of really pretty hair bows and those scrunchy hair things. When you have really long hair, they’re better than the regular coated elastics. They’re a lot easier to take out. She mentioned perfume samples too, and I’m giving her perfume called Navy that she likes a lot.

That trim Kim gave me really went a long way. I still have massive split ends but I’d much rather have long dead ends, than short healthy ones. It only took a week after she trimmed it for it to come out of shock and start growing. I mean, growing. Kim was shocked and asked me if I had a stretching machine. I am so happy. It is really here. My hair is at the top of my ass!!!!! In a year from now, I hope to be sitting on it. Once it gets to the top of my legs, I’ll cut it to the lower waist/top of the ass line where it is now. Hopefully, that’ll do in all my split ends. Or at least the bulk of them.

I am really tired now, even though, there is more I could write. Anyway, I should try to knock off for the night as it is now 11:00. That way I’ll get up in plenty of time to clean out the stairwell. I’ll remove some old tape from the walls and make sure Shadow’s box doesn’t reek of shit. The last few days I haven’t slept much so now it’s time to catch up.

Can’t wait for that fem’s letter!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1991 Today I felt lousy all day, but I’m feeling better now. It’s nighttime, so what do you expect? I think it’s due to the very drastic change in temperature. It was a record high of 70° today. Can you believe that? On November 20th?! Just the other day I had to wear gloves as well as a warm coat. Speaking of coats, I’ll have to get a winter coat somehow. All I have is my suede fringed jacket. Also, some very light coats that just don’t cut it when it’s very cold.

At 11:30 tomorrow morning I’ve got to see Dr. Leitch. I’m going to need Theodur and Alupent refills.

I better get my ass on schedule as I have got lots of things coming up soon. From Nov. 25-29 I’ll be in Salem checking out apartments. Kim’s gonna bring me down and they’ll bring me back.

I spoke to Tammy earlier who now says Mom and Dad can’t afford to move me as their store’s gone under due to the poor economy. Also, Dad’s medical bills are sky-high and he’s only got partial coverage. I don’t know if I buy any of that, but maybe there’s a slight grain of truth to it. I really feel it has more to do with the phone calls, court and everything else that’s gone on in my life. What can I say or do? I just hope and pray to God that Tammy or any other curious people never get a hold of any of my journals without me knowing it. Tammy could, of course, read them with me knowing it. I’m more solid than her but all she’d have to do is just sit on me and read away since the girl’s nearly 200 pounds. The bulk of the stuff in these books is known to all who know me. Yet my personal private fantasies along with other subjects are my business unless I so choose to share them. Of course, I just couldn’t stick to my story in the previous journal. I always lose patience, but I have other ideas I may work out. The last half of journal 18 will be for lyrics, phone numbers, personal notes or ideas, and letters. Anything goes kind of deal.

Andy read me the funniest letter for Jenny he’s fixing to send her. I typed it last night as he read it to me over the phone. Talk about us mixing lines, lyrics, and sentences up! He did an awesome job and Jenny will be so damn confused. I don’t give a rat’s ass if she suspects me as there’s nothing threatening. Just very very very strange. I’ll copy it over in 18 soon.

Just to mention my November and December schedule so far… On November 25th I was supposed to meet with a therapist named Cassandra, but since I’ll be in CT, I’ll have to reschedule. December 2nd, I have to go to fuel assistance. December 5th to court to see my probation officer Sheila, who Mark says is pretty. Friday, Peter’s coming to show this place to someone, and he knows I don’t have an exact moving date yet. I guess Tammy’s gonna have to get some friends to move me. What about the $40 court fee? There’ll be a $40 fee from Northampton, too.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1991 Went to North Star. I actually did it. I went. I was slightly nervous but not as nervous as I thought I’d be. No. Nothing spectacular happened and I knew it wouldn’t, but I got out of this cage anyway. I saw one very beautiful Hispanic woman and I knew God would never let me have her. She didn’t seem interested but we spoke briefly anyway. Also, I spoke to another girl who was cute but nowhere near as cute as Pamela, the Hispanic one. Ginny, the other girl, had shoulder-length reddish hair, was slender and seemed like the all-American girl. But she seemed quite conservative, wholesome and natural, too. Not the bar type. In fact, she sort of reminded me of Nancy H. I wonder if Nancy’s related to Laurie. With my luck she is.

Ginny and I exchanged numbers and she lives right near me here in S. Deerfield. She says she moved a month ago from Amherst. Also, she works at Yankee Candle Co. and at North Star waitressing.

Judy called, too. It’s funny how I’m psychic and that lady I spoke to is too, yet she was right and I was wrong. I’ll stick to the snow dates and descriptions. I guess I automatically assumed she’d never call as she’s not bad-looking. I don’t know if anything will happen with Pamela or Ginny, but I feel Judy will visit sooner or later.

It amazes me how calm and relaxed I feel. Even tired, so I’ll try to go to sleep soon after I finish my coffee and listen to music.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1991 I am speaking to Andy now. He’s speaking to the Northampton crisis center, right now, if you know what I mean. Catch my drift?

After my day in court, I contacted Tammy who says she’ll call Tracy. She’ll ask about the tapes and take care of the fees and the Chief.

That girl Judy hasn’t called, but this really funny psychic told me she would within 72 hours.

Now that I know for sure I’m moving on the 2nd of January, the phone remains free. Ever since I moved here I couldn’t “feel” myself here throughout the winter. Then, after Tammy said the move was off, I was ready to flip, but still felt it was on for the beginning of January. I broke down in tears but Tammy cheered me up and said she had to tell me something she shouldn’t tell me. She told me that for my birthday and Chanukah they got me projects to do. Paintings, arts & crafts and drawing stuff to keep me busy. She also asked me what I wanted. I just mentioned Gloria’s songbook, journals and those geometrical design coloring books with Crayola magic markers. She also said she’d call Ma to move me and not to worry, it was over, and she’d handle my stuff and call Tracy.

She had gotten pissed at Mom for trying to get out of moving me after she can afford to buy an extremely expensive car. First, she backed out of Phoenix and then began to railroad us with CT. She called today to tell me Greg from Greenfield Furniture (the ones who moved me) was gonna call for a visit here to get an estimate on what it’d cost to move my shit. She said it was a combination birthday/Chanukah present. Oh, the joy of having my b-day and Chanukah connected. I wish Chanukah was in the summer!

So, speaking of that girl Judy. She came up to me and asked if I had a spiral perm. I said it was natural and we began chatting. I could sense instantly she was gay or bi before she mentioned it but figured I’d never get her as I was attracted to her. She had nice long reddish hair. Her face was ok and she looked pretty good for 31 years old. She had a super nice leather jacket on and jeans. She seemed around 5‘2”-5‘4” in height and a little chunky, but well-proportioned and solid. She was taking an ex-boyfriend to court for harassment and yes, she had been through shit I’d gone through. She seemed “with it” though and these types which I always attract and used to avoid, I now seek out since all I want is sex. My standards are too high for someone like me anyway no matter what kind of relationship I want. I gave her my number and she says she has a car, but of course, those feelings came on. They really kicked in last night. Almost every man I’ve given my number to for whatever reason has always called. Women are so hard to catch. So, I was thinking what a bummer as I hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get some sex before I move.

Then I got bored, remembered my free phone service and called the psychic hotline. The girl who answered said she was gay too, and that I’m not alone and she’s ultra-feminine with full makeup on, long hair, heels and a dress (yeah, because she was on the other side of the country).

She asked why I wanted to get laid. I explained my feelings and she said I’ve got myself isolated and so negative and scared and to let my guard down. She said I was so scared that I had to control people to protect myself. She said why not let someone sweep me off my feet and take control and take care of me? I said that was just a fantasy and explained how all I get are Brenda, Fran or Nervous types. I don’t get people who are outspoken and that can take charge. The types I get don’t have the mentality to take care of me. An example is that if I have a fight with someone, it’s my fight and I’m on my own. They’re too shy, wimpy, geeky and stupid to fight with me. Not for me, but with me. I mean, I’d love to be wild, daring, brave, romantic, flirtatious and get swept off my feet for one night. A nice dinner, pampered with a nice bubble bath, a back rub, and adventurous sex.

Then she said, “You’ll die lonely and horny. Get your ass out of the house.”

I want to. I want to so bad, but I can’t. I’d never get anywhere. And where would I go? To the bars?

She told me I gotta go up to these people, grab them and say, “Let’s go.”

But it doesn’t work. I could be determined, confident or doubtful and it wouldn’t work.

Damn, I wish I could go to bed with ugly people! What’s the trick? How do people get turned on by people who they’re turned off by? Someone’s got to write a book, “How to turn yourself on to people you’re not turned on by sexually.”

Just one night, God, just one night, please! I am absolutely totally dying to lust with a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I mean, she doesn’t have to look like she just stepped off the cover of Vogue. Just not pitifully ugly or another spot on the wall.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1991 Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they have. Again, I try to tell myself anything’s better than jail, Valleyhead, Brattleboro, a roommate, a lover, being crippled or blind, a foster home or living with Mom and Dad. I guess it boils down to knowing you’re not in the worst possible situation, but at the same time, it’s bad enough. I feel as if I’ll always have my life controlled by so-called people who are “higher” than me. Or by whackos. Everything I want always is taken away or never achieved. I’ve gotten further into my shell just when I thought I couldn’t go any further. I thought I was in as deep as possible. Any confidence, self-esteem, and hope I’ve achieved since being on my own are gone. I feel like such a low-life that’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything. I used to feel not good enough all the time. Then I got confident and learned to say, “That’s your problem,” if someone didn’t care. How can I ever look ahead to the positive things like Tammy said? WHAT positive things? All I want to do now is crawl into a deep hole and never come out. I can’t talk anymore. I’ve retreated so deep, I feel there’s no way back this time. Now I feel I can’t live with myself as well as with this life.

I may not even be able to leave by Jan. 1st. They will transfer my probation, though. However, I thought it’d be unsupervised with therapy required and that I’d get all my stuff back. That’s what Tracy told me. Instead, I have two years of supervised probation with a $10 monthly fee I can��t afford, a $40 court fee, and I may only get some tapes back if any at all.

There’s just no fighting back whether I’m partially wrong or not. If someone burns me 5%, 25%, 50%, or 100% there’s no winning them. So from now on, if I get burned, too bad. Fighting back will never work. Am I ever gonna be able to take someone to court myself? Drag them through the mud? Never. Even if I’m totally right. I don’t ever want to talk to anyone again. Only my family, therapist, Andy and Kim for now.

Judy is this girl at court I spoke to only cuz we had common ground. Also, I thought she was attractive and she thought that of me. I’ll write about Judy later as right now I feel shittier than shitty.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1991 Yesterday I spoke briefly with Kim. She told me Mark has something to discuss with me about my cases. I guess it’s got something to do with getting it wrapped up. She says she doesn’t know for sure what he was talking about and for me to talk with him. My two main concerns are getting the hell out of here and getting all my stuff returned safely and unharmed. I spoke to Tammy yesterday to let her know that I’d tell her anything Mark has to say if it means anything for sure. I also told her I got the police report and how it’s a little scary and again has me wondering about law enforcement in general. 95% of it was bullshit or very twisted and exaggerated information. I cannot believe how they’ve hyped this up and are making such a big deal out of this. They’ll do anything to make people look like jackasses and feel so uncomfortable. They’ll do anything for money and attention. It amazes me how much time, money and energy they’ve put into this. I remember telling them, “Look, I’m not gonna deny I’ve made a mistake, but don’t you think you’re living this up a bit too much?” The reply was that it was a serious matter, and I told them it’s only as serious as they make it. The unprofessionalism amazed me in the typing, besides the lies. Even I could type much better as there were mistakes on every other line. They had a part in the script in which is supposed to be me and them in conversation. They at one point said I said how lots of people make prank phone calls which is bullshit along with all kinds of statements I never made.

Maliheh also flattered herself again by saying I called to break it off and she said there was nothing to break off. They failed to print how Maliheh misunderstood that I was simply trying to be honest up front. Have her aware that I wanted to be friends at that time and never thought we were involved. She’s the one flattering herself. The people we’re supposed to trust and who aren’t supposed to lie or be unfair and twist information or “guess” when they’re not sure of something really makes me wonder.

Enough about the pigs. I spoke to Fran and Andy yesterday and really didn’t do much else.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1991 Right now I’m a little bored so I’m entertaining Andy on his machine. He’s no doubt still asleep.

I spoke to my niece Lisa yesterday who got an excellent report card. Yesterday was also Bill’s birthday. He’s 45. I sent him a card and also a picture which Lisa said she showed all her friends.

I still need to work on the picture of them on the swings.

I’m gonna forget about my leather pants unless Tammy or I can find someone to take care of that.

I’m still waiting and have been waiting for Andy to throw my letter and pictures in a mailbox. He says he’s completed a letter. He’s been going through hell, though, which I’ll write about later. Never again will I send him something that I intend for him to send me back. I’m sick of waiting a fucking year. Never again will I lend anyone shit of mine as Jessie once again hasn’t sent those 3 bathing suits. I believe her when she tells me her mom was deathly ill and that she, David and her son have moved. I know she’s not a liar or a thief, but that she’s incredibly lazy and airheaded. She tells me she’ll call me after she’s put them in the mail to let me know they’re on their way.

I haven’t heard from Steve and when I tried to contact Jai and Jenny, their phone was disconnected.

Paula and I have spoken a few times. I told Paula about my predictions and how I describe people and places. I described her apartment and her sister Brandy’s house and the people they know.

Let’s wait and see if it snows Monday as I felt, as well as December 5th.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1991 My fear of waking up too soon did come true as 90% of my good and bad vibes do. Nothing woke me up as far as any noise or bad dreams go. I just simply woke up and as usual I could not fall back asleep.

Earlier I took a walk down to the store for some groceries and threw my mail in my mailbox. I called fuel assistance and will not be going till December 2nd. The girl there told me that there’s a 90% chance they’ll have an earlier opening. She says she’ll call if they do.

Well, I really don’t have much to write about now. Don’t know when I’ll fall asleep either. I can’t complain, though, as I really gave this place a good cleaning yesterday and my asthma’s ok. My nose is a little screwy, though. Mentally I don’t feel as if I’m gonna go crazy. That isn’t for a few more weeks till I get PMS.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1991 While I’m writing this, I’m listening to a tape of Andy and I. The usual thing we do every so often to the crisis center. Tonight Andy spoke to Fran and Nancy. Andy tells them of his “problem” with seeing the desert and palm and cactus trees every time he looks out the window. I’m his little sister who butts in and with our crazy lines and shit and he’s trying to explain how our parents took off. He’s 17 and I’m 13. About a week ago he did this routine with me to a woman named Laurie at the center. Not only was she a major butch, but she sounded just like Laurie H. Every so often she’d say something that would also remind us of Tracy and Linda as well as Laurie. It’s so funny hearing these tapes and I can get some great edits out of them. It’s the least I can begin doing while I’m waiting for all the stuff the pigs took. Speaking of the pigs and my stuff, I’ve got to call Tracy who no doubt has been trying to contact me. I’ve been on a major screwy schedule as I mentioned before and she ought to have more information for me by now. Tammy would like to speak to her too, about my move. They’ve already spoken once before about how we feel and this and that.

Tammy called last night to tell me she’s got an apartment for me for $595! That’s more than this place, although, this is a deal and a half. This is an $800-$1,000 apartment. From her description, it’s a shoebox, but very modern and I guess there’s a dishwasher and a hookup for an upright washer and dryer. But $695! Damn. I told her to just look for a duplex at that point. Price-wise, I mean. There’s not much difference, so I may as well get my money’s worth like I’ve done here. She said she did check those out but they were not on a bus line. Oh well.

I’ve been up since 9:00 last night so I’d like to stay up until 3 PM and sleep as many hours as possible. Tomorrow at 1:30, I need to go to fuel assistance.

I began putting away things like knick-knacks and things I can live without till January. 1st. I’ve put them in the closets for now so dusting’s a little quicker and easier. Then, I’ll get boxes and just pack them in.

I hope to hell the cleaning crew isn’t downstairs tonight. I’ve noticed they’re there every Sunday night from 8:00-11:00 or so. If they’re there, the banging and noise of the vacuum will wake me up too early and I’ll be pissed. It’s not their fault, though. I’m the one on the screwy schedule. I should probably sleep with my clock radio on but I doubt that will drown out noises from downstairs. They bang the walls with the vacuum and I feel the vibration, besides hear it.

Later…

I am so glad I’m still up. I have an awfully bad feeling about waking up too early, though. Perhaps I’m being paranoid cuz of the rotten luck I’ve had that’s not rotten luck. After waking up with that nightmare the night before the dance and Kim’s car accident, I just don’t know. It makes me wonder. I need to sleep as late as possible as I’ve got to mail my mail, have Peter fill out a form, get food stamps and go to fuel assistance.

I hope and pray nothing from downstairs wakes me up or that fucking dog across the street. It never shuts up and the poor dog’s outside 24/7. Whether it’s hot, cold, rainy and no doubt snowing, the dog’s outside always. Someone complained, but complaining about its barking does no good as it only gets them to shut it up for a little while, then it’s back to the same old bullshit. I hope I don’t wake up for the hell of it either. If I can get on a schedule and get my errands done, I’ll feel so much better.

I hope the VCR picks up the two shows I’m recording that are on two different channels. I’ve used both programs in the timer record set up before, so we’ll see. On 22 there’s an Unsolved Mysteries special and on 40 there’s a movie about a woman wrongly imprisoned that’s based on a true story.

More importantly, I fear a power failure. Let’s hope not as it absolutely amazes me how many power failures they’ve had here in the 7 months I’ve been here than in the 5.5 years I was in Springfield.

I called Tracy who’s also becoming more and more on my side, but more and more annoyed. God knows when I’ll get copies of my tapes, let alone the originals. I wouldn’t get the originals till it’s over and that isn’t gonna be for 50 years. Also, I fully intend to file charges with the S. Deerfield police, Maliheh and Jenny. She knows that and will be helping me with that.

Speaking of Maliheh… I’ve been meaning to write about the call for so long but kept putting it off. I started to mention how a girl called saying, “Remember me? You licked my pussy.” As soon as she hung up, it hit me that it’s probably the girl on Maliheh’s answering machine leaving the outgoing message. An hour later, I got a second call and was given a 10-minute silent treatment. In that time, I just went on and on singing and saying funny stuff.

I was so happy to at least get a prank call since I can’t make them. However, two things entered my mind. Again, just like with Jenny. Why is it I have to pay for the same crime they’re committing? When are THEY gonna pay? When am I gonna fight back? I asked myself this and once again realized I must give what I get. You play with my head, I call you or do some other non-violent prank, you take me to court, I take YOU to court. People like Maliheh and Jenny are always gonna be in court. Not by just being brought up on charges no doubt, but also by bringing up charges on everyone they get pissed off at and can’t get their way with. If I brought everyone to court I’ve ever been upset with, I’d be there 365 days a year.

The third and last call I got was a major shocker. The same shock as being told I killed my father in 1982. That was probably a false rumor and lie circulated by someone if it wasn’t a mix-up. The third call was from a guy who went on and on telling me what he’d like to do to me sexually. When he came out and mentioned my being at the crisis center, boy was I shocked! It was Maliheh and her associate’s last call and I was bummed but for a while I got mad. I began to wonder if the cops or people at the center would have anything to do with this till I realized there was no way. It’s not like ambulance services where cops routinely get involved or hear it over their scanners. I called the center myself and was brought there by Kim. Also, I knew the chances were very slim of the center breaking confidentiality or someone working there doing this. So, I called the center after telling Tammy all about it and warned them that if I had to do to them what I was going to do to the PD, I would. The girl I spoke to was very nice and helpful to me and then it hit me. I asked her how close she was to Pearl St. and she said she could walk there in less than a minute and that people going to Pearl St. park right outside their offices. I also remembered some guy coming up to us and asking us if we were lost and remembered hearing a lot of yelling. I couldn’t make out what was said, but it didn’t sound like a fight or angry yelling. It sounded like drunks goofing around. So, what it boils down to is that Maliheh definitely saw me. If not, a friend of hers did who must have remembered seeing me the night we met. I’m easy to recognize and I do stand out. Even if I was of average height or tall, I doubt I have a twin anywhere.

Basically, my charging her is not due to her pranking me as you know that doesn’t bother me. I still hope I get more calls. The thing is, though, I wish she’d do the talking. But nonetheless, I’m charging her cuz she’s charging me and she’s a fucking asshole who very well deserves it.

I guess I am becoming more and more bitter. Why should I be sweet little nice Jodi when everyone else is so cruel and spiteful? One can only take so much, even though, I’d never go to such extremes as a lot of people do. You lose the motivation to put the effort into being nice and trying to get out of your shell and meet people. You become hard and cold and now even I feel less respect for people. And now even I get pretty judgmental and automatically assume the worst in people. I used to look at the bad and the good in people. Now all I see right away is the bad. I feel intense fear and lack of trust. I’m more skeptical and doubtful than I’ve ever been in my whole life.

Well, I’ve definitely got to get to bed now for sure. God, do I hope I sleep. I hope my shows get recorded too. And no asthma attacks!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1991 Here I go again wishing I could be up in the daytime and getting on a schedule. It gets screwier and screwier. It sure would be nice to do what most people can do and keel over and pass out asleep at any time. Right now I’m incredibly bored and feeling like a caged animal again. One side of me is saying, come on, God, give me a break. I don’t want to be bored and miserable. I don’t want to settle. I want to have and do the things I want. The reality side is saying, you’ll never have or do anything you really want badly. Therefore, you can either settle for second best or commit suicide.

I hate reality. I always get the same results and I know I always will. That’s why I gave up the fight. Trying’s not worth it. No matter if it’s music-related or women-related it’s the same thing. Thinking negative and not trying = getting nowhere, and thinking positive and trying = getting nowhere.

So anyway, to finally write about Northampton crisis center and Maliheh. That night I lost it, Kim took me to the crisis center to talk. At the same time, I was so stressed out that I didn’t give a shit what they were gonna do with me. Now, looking back at that night, I was lucky they ever let me walk out the door. I guess I am shocked they more or less never “kidnapped” me for a few days with all the not-so-nice thoughts I was having. Even they said how they felt I was suicidal before I got into discussing why I was feeling like shit since I moved. How I��m going through a period of reality being thrown in my face. How I’m going through the different stages of waking up and smelling the coffee. How some people need a little time to adjust to settling for second best and some know they’ll never accept or adjust to it.

When I arrived at the center, I spoke with a big, ugly, scary-looking woman named Latonya. I had only spoken to her once over the phone and only for two seconds as it was change of shift. Two other people whom I’ve spoken to over the phone were there too, named Nancy and Fran. They’re quite nice, Nancy and Fran. However, I could see Latonya was gonna be very insensitive and not easy to talk to or very understanding. Sure enough, she seemed burdened by me, kept interrupting me and changing the subject. Also, she’d ask the same damn questions over and over. I don’t know if the lady had a garbage disposal for a memory or what. I think she wasn’t too rounded herself at that moment. At one point I was told she didn’t want to be there and that they were there cuz of me. I told her to knock it off, don’t give me that crap and try to put a guilt trip on me as they’re a 24-hour service operating with or without me.

She also told me how she was gonna call the psychologist at court to tell them I showed no remorse and I told her that if she wanted to stick her nose where it didn’t belong, go ahead. I have no pity for Maliheh. Or anyone else like Maliheh. Just as I’d had it with the head games, realized I’d been made to feel worse rather than any better, warned her not to step out of line or I’d go to her supervisors, the most shocking yet funny thing happened. Yup. This was the winner of the night.

She came out and told me how according to Springfield, I’d been involved with the homicide of my father! You should’ve seen the look on Kim’s face. I told her my father was alive and well and living in Florida and how he came to visit last spring and that it certainly wasn’t his ghost. Apparently, someone else’s files got mixed into mine, so that was the final straw and I left. All they could’ve done was calm me down anyway, not give me what I want and need. Yet they didn’t calm me down. I felt worse.

Both Tammy and I had left Latonya messages so we could offer her a piece of our minds but she never called us back. Obviously, she has a guilty conscience. People like that, especially in that field tend to irk you, but at the same time, the lies and exaggerations can be quite amusing. They take things so seriously, too. Also, they ignore important things you feel. Certain issues are so stupid as far as you’re concerned. Then when you get to the important issues, they steer you away from them.

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rainswept · 8 months ago

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ngl i had to take a fat nap after that response ☹️

i have genuinely never felt so overwhelmed with emotion before, now we're in the same boat because i don't even know what to say to tell you exactly how much i enjoyed reading all of it. i got that whole eyes burning going on n shit and im having a very fun awesome time trying to put a name to whatever the feeling in my chest is (not), but love sounds like a nice way to put it so we'll go with that! i love you too, and appreciate the time you took to write everything out more than any sentence can convey the full meaning of

you're right about me not expecting my ask to mean so much, i wrote it because i knew most authors (and creators as a whole) like hearing how their viewers discover their work. you said you were curious in the notes of the url post, i thought i might as well send in my story to satisfy.

it would be a big step for me, but also a chance to say something nice to someone who inspired me and then move on after a “thank you” or vague acknowledgement to… prove to myself interacting isnt as bad as i thought it'd be?? something like that. i’m not sure what i wanted you to say, or how i wanted to feel about it

bbuut as per usual, you managed to surprise me no matter what i was looking for ( ‾́ ◡ ‾́ ) and it wasn't all over the place or hard to understand at all. my turn to be dramatic:

“what is the point of feeling if, as soon as you pry your eyes away from the page, the emotion fades with the ink?” is definitely a question i connect with. impressionable teenager check ‼️

i said i want to love like you because the way you dedicate yourself so completely is something i’ve never been able to do. i wasn't into picking apart characters before because i thought it was obsessive.

they aren't real right? who cares? which leads me to the metaphor i used for your writing: wholly consuming. imagine not being able to delve into those depths. of course it feels uncomfortable to be pulled under the waves at first— you aren't going to be able to breathe— but the underwater life has so much to offer. i know it now, because i’ve seen that unknowable infinity in your work and in your passion. and there's so much more to sea (ba dum tiss). thank you so much for showing me that

love changes a lot of people. it is sacrifice, and you often have to make compromises. so why not let myself be devoured by that endlessness? i would rather suffer, be swallowed by the ocean and have all of my soft edges filed into jagged pieces by the currents than to have never known that pain at all. because it changed me. i want to remember that.

i want to remember your words, and the part you played even if i am left with only hurt, because love is also giving. it's greed knows no bounds. it's scary, the only thing i had to offer was myself and my experience. but it's getting easier. i’m happy to be seen as a member of your audience, and will applaud every success long after our interests no longer align because that is my compromise for you ♥(ˆ⌣ˆ)

hope all that makes sense. i like the umbrella tag! i’m being perceived and i haven't exploded (yet) (destruction is imminent) ☂️

ANON i am so sorry for the late response i had to process this. i’m having such a hard time posting these bc i just want to keep them treasured in my inbox forever ugh

long post again

ANYWAY. you’re so poetic this is insane. hello???//?/? when i first saw this there were tears in my eyes literally. i cannot. the first paragraph. actually all of them. i . died?? goodbye?? this is the end of me as i know it. i will never be the same. these r the most impactful words anyone has ever said to me i think. i have no words. genuinely no words i’m going to melt into thr floor. plea. please. spare me anon. spare me. i’m in agony right now ur writing is so beautiful. ANONNNNN😭😭😭😭😭😭 god i will never recover. i am in tears

“i said i want to love like you because the way you dedicate yourself so completely is something i’ve never been able to do. i wasn't into picking apart characters before because i thought it was obsessive. they aren't real right? who cares?”

i get that, in a way. but as you said — “which leads me to the metaphor i used for your writing: wholly consuming.” — that’s how it feels to me, too, and it always has. i get the idea of thinking something isn’t important because it’s not real, but i’ve always latched onto them regardless. so i had to write, honestly. to get it out. because otherwise it would consume me instead. it sounds very dramatic, i’m aware, but it’s true — i have so many feelings surrounding these fictional pixels and stories and they have so much to offer and they take up too much space in my brain and if i do not talk about it i will Explode ™️. Or Implode ™️. so i write! because i want to. because i have to. because otherwise it will Swallow Me Whole. and i’d rather embrace it! i’ve always been an ‘obsessive’ person when it comes to interests — it’s all or nothing for me. so it’s one or the other — i can drown or i can swim, but i can’t really get out of the water of my own volition,,, and i’d rather not drown. so i’m both glad i inadvertently introduced you to that way of seeing things, and regret it, because it does hurt sometimes. but it’s worth it to me, and it seems like it is to you too, so that’s good!

ONCE AGAIN i could copy and paste this entire ask and comment on it but i fear it’ll just be me repeating your sentences and gawking at them and it would get way too long. 😭😭😭😭 so i’ll just let your ask speak for itself

“i’m being perceived and i haven't exploded (yet) (destruction is imminent) ☂️” also we can explode together actually. i’m glad u allowed urself to be perceived because. oh my god. 😭😭😭😭 this ask changed the trajectory of my life forever. half joke. destruction is not imminent you’ve got this

also, you’re definitely more than just a member of my audience now, in my opinion. if you do decide to stick around (and i hope you do), i hope we can become friends eventually too! even if you decide not to, these interactions have meant more to me than you know! so thank you, either way

#☂️#—crow’s nest.#i love this ask. so mucj #i would totally comment on every paragraph you sent because they’re all. so touching and beautiful and #AUGH #i’m all over the place i’m so sorry 💀💀#so much more to sea….#and they’re a comedian #best anon ever actually. ur so cool i’m so glad to have u here #i win in life

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clinicallyinvisible · 2 years ago

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Something that really messed me up as a kid was listening to my mother hate herself.

She hated her body. Always saying she was fat and her boobs were too small and that she wanted implants one day (never happened). She also expressed dislike about my appearance to me. My posture and my acne were big ones. I was taught to hate my appearance because my mother hates her appearance and disliked mine. I look just like her. I always have. If you put a photo of me next to a photo of my mother at the same age we look like the same person. So to listen to her be so vocal about hating how she looks was so fucking damaging to me. And I don't know how she couldn't have realized that. I don't understand how she didn't see that by hating herself she was teaching me to do the same. She always treated me like an extension of herself, wanting me to do the things she wanted to do, but couldn't. She always pushed me to do things like be a nurse (no) and to marry a nice Christian boy (no) and have a bunch of babies (NO). She also never cared to get to know me because she had this version of me she had created in her head and she was still trying to mold me into that. She refused to accept that I wasn't and would never be that person and that I am my own person. She has refused to get to know the real me.

I have wanted so badly to have a real relationship with my parents, but I don't think it'll ever happen. I am too many of the things they hate. They are too full of hate. I just crave love and they don't want to offer that to me unless I be what they want me to be. I am not valuable to them as the person I am.

My parents are getting older. And I'm terrified of losing them, I'm terrified of them dying. Because I don't have a relationship with them at the moment and I want one so bad. And if they go before we fix things (if we fix things) I think it might ruin me a little. I just want so so badly to have my family back and to be loved by them. Right now I don't see it ever happening and that hurts a lot. My mother doesn't care, tho, if I'm hurting. She's made it clear that her feelings are the only ones that matter. I have to sacrifice mine in order to have a relationship with them and I'm just not willing to do that.

Idk why I'm thinking about this today, but I am and it sucks. Maybe because Kristy and I were taking about family the other day and we talked about how found family just isn't the same support system as blood family and I guess that really resonated with me.

My dad is getting closer and closer to the age his dad was when he passed away and I guess it's making me afraid of losing out on that relationship. Losing grandpa was already hard enough tbh. I never got to know him properly. I don't want it to be the same with my dad. But my parents are not kind people. And god that sucks. I am so so envious of everyone that can have a half decent relationship with their parents. I yearn for it so badly.

I'm afraid to talk to them because of all this stuff lately in the media about trans people being targeted. I don't want to hear what they have to say about it. I know it's going to be bad. I know it's going to be so so disgusting and bad. And they still don't know I'm nonbinary and honestly I don't know if I ever wanna explain it to them. I mean, I'd love to be able to come out and for them to use my new name, but I know they won't understand and they will refuse to use my name and pronouns. They will always call me she and they will always deadname me. I know there is no point and no hope for them.

My sister is also queer, but somehow she tolerates them. I don't understand how. Probably because she's the golden child and can do no wrong by them and she is so perfect. She gets treated so much better than I ever have by them so I guess she isn't as bothered by it, but I have received basically no decent treatment from them my whole life. I've always felt like a burden and a failure to them. It's funny how my sister and I have had such contrasting childhoods and experiences with our parents.

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my-void-of-which-i-cry · 2 years ago

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everyone says im fucking annoying. maybe i am.

3/14/23

i tried being nice and being considerate. i dont want much i just wan someone to care and acknowledge me. im tired of being the stupid one, the one who has to consider ive tried so god damn hard to make it easy for you people but every thinf i do seems to annoy you i feel like every time i try to talk to you you start getting annoyed and maybe youre right and im spoiled and im a brat i wont do that anymore, i’ll try my god damn hardest to not leave a trace in this house . since being in your presence seems too much for you i try not asking for anything anymore. i’ll stop complaining i’ll keep everything to myself. you want that right? i wont be a bother anymore. iltt stop trying to care for you or beg for your praise and affection. i can look for it by myself. why is making a suggestion about my birthday such a big deal for you i can do whatever i want on “MY” birthday why does me talking about it piss you off. fine i wont celebrate my goddamn rbirth and iwont celebrate it again. i wont care anymore about whattever. ill be out of your way. im sorry im even alive and pullking you dfown and im such a waste of space and im an obese trash elepphant ‘who cant stop eating and whos spoiled and a bitch with no manners and cant do anything right i cant do anything at all and i should never have fucking existed i keep wishing that i nevere existed. every second of every day i wish you to be happy and to just let me not exist anymore.

i cant keep wishing because nothing ever fucking happens i wish i just died when i could, every near death experience i hope it killed me and i hope i never s here. i hate being in a place where everyone and everything i do is considered wrong and im always wrong and always bad and always a bitch whos spoiled and a child. i want to die. and its not a joke anymore. i just want someone to love me and understand that i make shit thats not good and that i dont always say the right things and that im always trying my best to be considerate. but being considerate is not enough for everyone. im already ugly and im already fat and stupid if i just died everyone would forget about me in a week and in a yer everything will be better for everyone becuase i am just a dumb rock thats a burden to them and if i go then my sister will have her oen room and all my parents love and they can finally give her the care she deserves. if i go D could finally be happy with her new friends and let go of our group to be herself. F and H will be fine . E and H and A will be too. im not a big part of their lives, C and A will have forgotten me by now. and my parents have one less problem now, they can focus on my sister, and after she moves out theyll be free from the horrible kid they have. ill be free from putting myself esteem as high as how others apreciate me. because everything i am is what evereybody else thinks of me. and im nothing no one will remember me in a year . i die now. i wish i died now i wish i just fell asleep and died. im so sorry to the people whos lives i disturbed i hope you guys will ignore all my shit and all the crap i put you through it must have been so so annoying. i wish i died back then. and i wish i die here and maybe i can gain enough courage this year. who knows i sure hope i do. i dont think i can handle life. to the new friends i made im sorry you had to put up with me . im really sorry mom and dad im sorry your second kid is a piece of shit who cant do anything and always humiliates you and annoys you .. i wish i wasnt here too and i wish i was dead so long ago. i hope truly one day i can finally go through with something and maybe thats the only thing i can get right..

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pyreofsunflowers · 2 years ago

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What I watched this week

Starting a new way for me to sperg about movies as your favorite 2 note filmsis. Ill try to make these as spoiler free as possible, these are just fun little thoughts I had and are not meant to be full plotline breakdowns!

(although i mean if you guys asked nicely i certainly would)

Drive (2011, dir Nicolas Refn)

Oh boy oh man do I ever love Drive. It's such a cliche thing to say, I know. But sometimes things are loved for a good reason! Aside from praising the score and cinematography like most people will (although Cliff Martinez and Newton Sigel knocked it out of the damn park in both respects!) I wanna talk about just how.... Heartwarming? This movie is? Drive to me is a comfy movie I can sit back and wrap myself in like a warm blanket. I want nothing but the best for Driver and Irene and I found myself almost crying at times. This was definitely due in part to Ryan Goslings awesome performance! I don't have too much to say about this one, it's a cozy watch and is my type of romance movie (is one with a gritty aesthetic and bloody car cashes.)

4/5.

Stalingrad (1993, dir. Joseph Vilsmaier)

I really really really wanted to like this movie. So much so in fact I stuck with it for all 134 minutes waiting for it to get good. Let's start with the plot and the characters - the characters here are. Meh. For a character driven, dramatic war story the characters fall flat, I could barely match the names to the faces. They all acted the same and there was no real way to tell them all apart. The chemistry between them was fine I suppose? I've certainly seen worse, but fine chemistry doesn't work when the characters are just so very boring.

Then you have the pacing, oh my god the pacing. For a two hour long movie, it really does a piss poor job at showing just how long, drawn out, and arduous the battle of Stalingrad was. It lingers too much on the characters, and jumps over key parts of the battle to focus on them instead. Now this wouldn't necessarily be a problem if the characters were engaging and well written. It also completely misses the tone of the battle, but this isn't a history lecture. I'm not here to tell you every single flaw this movie has in terms of it's history.

What I will talk about is how this movie handles Nazism. Because it does not do it well. I'm not trying to say you cannot make a war movie where the main characters are Nazis (Downfall by Oliver Hirschbiegel is a terrific example of this), but if you are. Do not do it like this movie does. This movie is a prime example of Clean Werchmat propaganda, where not just one but every single one of the main characters are horrified by the actions of the Nazi party. But every. Single. one. Except for of course, the officer played by Dieter Okras, but even then his cruelty is more that of a Saturday morning cartoon character than a high ranking Nazi. This film tries so very hard to make you feel like the main characters are not Nazis, and when they are forced to adknowladge that they are - it downplays it to a degree I found very hard to sit through.

2/5 (for the wonderful score, sound design and visuals.)

Scream 1 + 2 (1996, 1997, dir. Wes Craven.)

Big. Fat. Meh. I had absolutely no thoughts about either of these movies in all honesty and I really don't understand all of the praise they get. Boring kills. Boring characters. Far too long. Dated satire that doesn't hold up. Boring predictable twists. I know what I'm looking for in this movie, cool gory kills and Skeet Ulrich being a hunk. I wasn't expecting some wonderfully thoughtful satire of the horror genre, or a deeply unsettling movie that keeps me up at night. Yet still I found myself bored and disappointed.

Scream 2 did nothing to improve on the original, and if anything it was much worse. This time instead of being fine enough schlock you could show at a Halloween party which no one would pay attention to it was just kind of bland, boring and unengaging. The acting was much worse, The kills were far more boring, and the soundtrack was worse! Which was the only thing I liked about the first movie! I'm watching through all of these so I can go see scream 6 for my friend's birthday next week, and I can't wait to torture myself with even more of these boring ass movies.

Scream 1: 3/5

Scream 2: 2/5

#horror movie #war movie #movie review #cineblr #film #cinephile #movies #scream #stalingrad #drive #Js film diary

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aselfking123 · 2 years ago

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Wide Awake Blacked Out

Watch all the people around you like they're scrutinizing your every motion; stick your hands in your pockets so no one sees how much you're fidgeting; no one cares anyway, so it doesn't really matter; don't forget to adjust the way you're sitting so no one can see your lower back, and fix that weird lump the zipper of your jacket makes when you lean forward; in fact, nothing really matters; pull on your fingers until you feel better, and if that doesn't work, bite your nails until they bleed; your foot drumming against the floor is vibrating the whole table, the person sitting next to you is annoyed, stop; fix your jacket it's making you look fat; maybe consider wearing something else today, because we wouldn't want anyone to see how you really look; all the people who say you're a good person are lying, they're just being nice; God, I just want to lie here until the pain goes away; stop sleeping, you're wasting time; stop doing that, it's unproductive; leave me alone; your life is a wreck, you really need to get it under control before people start thinking you're a mess; you don't even know who you are, how pathetic; pick at the scab so it never heals; ouch, actually stop that it hurts; but keep doing it anyway; I can't feel it anyway; don't eat too much, people will think you're some kind of pig; be carefully how quietly you chew your food, we wouldn't want people to be disgusted by our presence; stop breathing so hard, it was just a flight of stairs, you sound like a hippo; everything is so hard, please just let me rest; all of your successes are fabricated, the product of a system that rewards mediocrity; but that's not true, I worked hard on; don't accept those compliments, because those people are just lying to be nice, they actually hate you for your success; your friends are all doing well for themselves, but you're not; look at all those people having fun together and feel bad because you're so wholly alone; stop complaining, there're people starving in Africa; ignore the rumbling in your stomach, you don't really need the food anyway; oh my God, you're so annoying, look they're bored out of their mind listening to you ramble; no one wants to hear about your interests or hobbies, you're too boring for that; okay, if you say so; don't ask for that money back, it would be rude; don't tell the barista they made your drink wrong, that would be rude; don't go back to the counter to tell the cook your chicken was raw in the middle, that would be rude, even if you spent ten bucks on inedible chicken; they can all hear your voice shaking, just look at them; I just want to listen to my music; Jesus, your taste in literature is laughable, read something more sophisticated so people won't roll their eyes when you say what you're reading, even if it will bore you to tears; why did you say that, it was so dumb; please, just let me be; they all think so little of you, so you need to do everything in your power to regain their affirmation and praise, because nothing else matters in this world; fine I guess I won't sleep; you're so useless, mooching off the people around you; but I just crocheted a blanket, how could I be usele; what a freeloader, get your life together; what are you going to do? You have no plans; stop I'm going to cry; and that's another thing, so sensitive, learn to take criticism and recognize when someone is trying to help you; why are you so mean to me?; Stop crying, right now; look at yourself in the mirror, look at what a terrible person you are; emotions are irrelevant; but I'm human, i have feeli; you're such a waste of space, no one, not even your closest friends, love you; suck it up; life's hard, then you die, that's what they say; leave me alone I don't want to be around you anymore; oh, you poor, sweet thing, don't you understand? I'm here for the long haul.

#writing #sad thoughts #anxiety #writerblr #creative writing #flash fiction #relatable

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wambos-storytime-corner · 2 years ago

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7 Deadly Diapers: Lust pt 1-4 (TW: Harassment)

“Anything else, sir?” The waitress said with a biting tone, bill in hand.

“Actually.. i was hoping for some dessert.” Max said with a mischievous smile dropping a piece of cutlery onto the ground. “Oops! Could you grab that for me, doll face?”

Mindy had enough of the man’s catcalling and wandering eyes. Being a regular at the diner, Max was a generous tipper. But the pay was not worth Mindy’s dignity and patience anymore. And while everyone knew Max did this to nearly every woman in town, Mindy had unfortunately become his white whale. Tonight she was determined to just hand off the bill and get him out.

“We don’t have a dessert menu, sir.” she rolled her eyes, bending down to the cutlery.

“Don’t lie.. There’s a perfectly good cake right here!” He reaches but Mindy furiously slaps his hand away.

“HOW DARE YOU!” She exclaimed, “you slimy pig!!” With a single hard slap across the face she turned towards the kitchen.

“You’re so cute when you’re angry…” he adjusts his jaw. “But lighten up. You’re really mad at a guy for giving you a compliment? No thank you?”

“You make me sick. You think it’s nice to be ogled at? Objectified?” She takes him to the door by his collar and shouts:

“I wish you’d understand just how small and dirty you make us women feel! Now GET OUT of my diner!”

With a shove Mindy slammed the doors. As she sighed she swore she smelled baby powder…? But turned and walked to the kitchen to compose herself.

Max huffed at the door. “Dumb bitch! She was fat anyway..” as he walked down the road, muttering, he hardly noticed the sudden draft around his legs and an odd bulk growing around his groin. A tall shadow suddenly cast over him as he bumped against something big and solid.

“Hey watch where you’re..!” Looming over him was a group of huge amazon women, eyeing him hungrily.

“Oh we’re watching alright.. where’s your mommy little boy?”

…

“Uh.. Excuse me?” Max felt an immediate nervousness wash over him by how the huge, mighty women were looking at him. They all were dressed like celebrities in tight, mature, womanly dresses accentuating each of their uniquely alluring figures.

“Aww… look at him squirm girls! How adorable.” The tallest one swooned, leading all the others to coo. She bent down, her buxom chest hanging in front of his face. “Do you understand what we’re saying, sweet boy?”

“I-I-I.. uh.. I..” normally he’d feel willing to take charge in front of such a gorgeous woman but he felt tongue tied and almost scared by the way they looked at him. It didn’t help that bystanders had started watching the whole scene unfold as well.

“Go on, baby.. use your words!” The darkly-clad, motherly leader cheered him on.

“Oh Claire.. maybe he’s lost! Poor thing!” An equally curvy, ditzier blonde in a red slitted sequin dress chimed in.

“Oh my god.. rose, Claire, look at his dress!” A tomboyish, muscular one in a bra and low rise jeans snickered at the man.

“My what?!” He glanced down to find his new summery orange dress dancing in the wind. The women cackled at him as he swiveled and turned to walk away. But then his dress twirled over his waistline for a moment, revealing another surprise.

“Whoa there girls.. Did I just see what I think I saw?” Said the tomboy. Before Max could run, his dress was tugged up all around him. In shock he felt his bladder empty. Except it didn’t stream down his leg.. instead he felt swelling right where the amazons were inspecting. Their laughter boomed.

“AWW! It’s true, Holly! Looks like he needs them, too! How cute is that?”

“Naughty boy! Right In front of your aunties?”

“That is the FATTEST diaper I’ve ever seen!” From every angle he felt the girls squeeze his butt.

“Let go!! P-People are staring!” He demanded.

“So? If you didn’t want anyone checking your diapers, why’d you dress like that?”

“You should be grateful for the attention!” Rose scoffed with a spank.

“Exactly!” Holly said easily lifting him onto her hip like a child.

“You’re coming with us, young lady! There’s a diner over there. Maybe they’ll have a changing table big enough for your big soggy butt~!”

…

The bell to the diner rang. Mindy groaned having just calmed down from earlier. “Welcome to Patty’s. How man—“ she was stunned to silence by the posse of beautiful giants in front of her. “H-hey. Table for three?”

“Make that four actually!” Chimed Rose.

“And we’ll need a high chair for our plus one~! Can you say hi?” Claire maneuvered Max to the front of their crew, each hand held by a different Amazon. His dress was no longer blowing but his freshly soaked diaper hung low enough to be plainly visible to the waitress. In a moment, she registered his face, and could do nothing to suppress her laughter.

“OH MY GOD!! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!” She teared up from laughing so hard, causing Max’s face to steam, “I’ve got a table right by the window hold on ladies!! You’ve made my day!”

“What a polite young lady!” Claire said reading her name tag as Mindy swiftly pulled out a childish, neon colored high chair, a kids menu and crayons with the biggest smile she could muster, “can you say thank you Ms. Mindy?” Mindy paused leaning in with a cupped ear as gleeful as she could be.

“… thank you.” Every Amazon gave a stern look. Holly swatted his bottom hard. “T-thank you Miss Mindy!”

“Oh you’re so welcome! My, what a well-behaved little girl!” She said pinching his cheeks with an evil hiss. She suddenly noticed how bulky the man’s diaper was and how vulnerable he was with his hands being held. She snorted but containing herself. She walked over puffing out her bottom lip as though out of pity. “Oh dear.. are we still potty training at her age?”

“I’m afraid so! Why the poor baby wet herself on the way here!” Claire yarned like she were Max’s legal caregiver. Max shot a scowl at the woman. Before Mindy tilted her head with feigned innocence.

“Now now maxie! You’re much too big for that! Don’t your aunties teach you any better? Tut tut! Do you mind if I take a look? I used to babysit.“ she fluttered her eyelids.

“No!!” Max shouted.

“Nonsense! We don’t mind at all!” Rose ruffled the boys hair.

“Excellent! Now let’s see what the damage is~!” She hummed a tune and yanked up the dress with a yip from Max. She pulled his plastic pants down, gasping loudly so all the patrons would hear her. “Yup! This thing is drenched alright! I can hardly believe it. She must’ve not even tried to get to the potty!” Max was beet red as everyone stared at him trying to get eyes on this “drenched” diaper. “Buuuut, I’d say she’s got room for one more good wetting before she leaks!”

“Really? So no change needed?” Claire asked innocently.

“No not at all! Besides she’s got these big pretty plastic panties just in case right? And if she ever wants to learn how to be big girl, you gotta make her sit in what she did. That way she knows it’s naughty.”

“That makes perfect sense!” Rose agreed.

“Anyway ladies! Here you are! I gave the little tyke the whole shabang! I made sure to put her high chair right in front of the windows so people can see her pretty dress and squishy little booty! Just so you know kids under 5 eat free today so she’s on the house! Please, PLEASE let me know if you need anything else!” She clasped her hands grateful for the chance to humiliate the biggest womanizer in town.

“Such wonderful service! And they’ve got a coloring mat Maxie!” Rose’s fawning made Mindy need to turn and compose herself.

“Upsie daisy, now!” Max was unwillingly lifted by Claire and stuffed into the much room small high chair. His diaper seems to push out of every opening in the bars and his dress rode up in the back where he couldn’t reach. His soaked butt was on full display of the restaurant. He pouted and hid his face in shame fighting away Claire’s hands. “Someone’s fussy! I’ll take a coffee! Can we get some scrambled eggs and a warm milk for her?”

“HAPPILY!!” Right before taking off Mindy curled her face into a smile, “would you like me to put it in a bottle and bring a bib with that ma’am?”

“Yes please!” All the amazons said in unison to Max’s utter dismay.

…

“Alright Maxie! Here comes the airplane!”

“Open wide dear!” Claire buzzed the spoon of eggs into his mouth. He was full to bursting, unable to eat another bite despite so many eggs littering his face, bib, and table. It had been two hours of cooing, babying, and chit chat with Mindy who hadn’t smiled this much in years.

“If we ever need a babysitter we know who to call!” Said Holly sipping a coffee.

“Aw shucks I’d be honored to look after the little angel! But.. I don’t change diapers too well.” Mindy sang, elated to discuss his waking nightmare in detail. She meandered behind the boy and freely hiked up his dress, gesturing to his swollen seat in a loud embarrassing whisper, “Does she.. yknow?”

“Oh Make poopoo? Well we’re not too sure..”

“I think she’s plenty old enough to be past that!”

“She better be.”

“Oh I bet she is…” Mindy watched max’s face contort as she saw the laxative milk the women made him drink take effect, churning his insides at the table for a half hour now. “Um is everything okay little lady? Do you need something?” All eyes turned to him.

“I-I uh.. I gotta use.. the bathroom—“

“You mean the potty? For what?” His face burnt but he was too desperate.

“To.. yknow..” the long pause following insinuated all the women would wait until he said it. He groaned and let it fly “I gotta poop now! Please let me down!”

“So polite! Of course!” All the Amazon’s dotingly complimented and applauded max like a toddler setting him on the floor from the high chair. But as soon as he booked it towards the bathroom, the sound of a spoon on the floor sliding in front of him caught his ear.

“Oops! Such a klutz.. can you get that for me, baby girl?” Mindy smirked. Max was ready to explode. He couldn’t possibly pick it up and not lose control.

“Maxie. This instant. The potty isn’t going anywhere.” His aunties commanded. He had no choice. He bent down with great care but knew his fate was sealed. A hand slammed then caressed his bottom. Then it was over. A hot and gooey mass piled out of him, cupped by the waiting palms of Mindy..

“Aw.. so close! But That’s okay! Would some dessert cheer you up? I’d offer cake, but I think you won’t be getting any for a long, long time.. Maybe a big gooey batch of brownies instead?” While Mindy squished his mess around in front of a whole diner cooing for him, max just cried. This was his new life.

Madam twist watches on in joy as the events unfold.

“Bravo, my clever waitress.. so lies the sin of lust. To covet after someone with complete depravity. What a lowly position: thinking merely with one’s loins. Thank the cosmos Mindy called, so I could free the women of this town from such tenacious perversions before anything got out of hand. And young Miss ‘Maxie.’ You deserve to be constantly looked down upon, so the amazons are a most brilliant gift from me. Be grateful for it. Perhaps once you abandon your misogyny for good, you can find a loving woman who will whisk you off your feet… *sniff* gah! and promptly onto a changing table. Oh I pray for her sake your future mommy lacks sense of smell. Tata and behave, princess. Now onto our next victim.”

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httpdabi · 3 years ago

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The Game

Genre: Smut

Summary: Playing a game made for couples with your best friend wasn’t such a bright idea. Or was it ?

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: 18+ (Minors, leave me and my blog alone), spanking, mention of daddy kink, cream pie, rough, dom!Dabi, praising

,, Can you hurry up already ? ‘’ Touya yelled from the living room as you were getting ready. ,, We are only going to buy groceries, we ain’t going to Met Gala for fucks sake’’ he hissed, once he realised that you ain’t answering him.

,, Give me a second’’ you screamed, as you were putting on your mascara carefully.

,, I gave you a whole fucking hour, woman’’ Touya snapped back, rolling his eyes playfully. He had to stress around a bit. Thinking about it, the two of you looked like married couple, yet you were nothing more than two best friends and roommates.

Once you were done, you made your way toward the shopping center that wasn’t that far away from your apartment. There wasn’t any specific reason the two of you were going there, you only needed some groceries to get, and you could literally get that in the store near your apartment. But the two of you decided to go out a bit, since both of you were pretty much focused on the studies last few days.

You and Touya know each other since you were little kids. Your mother and Rei were childhood best friends, so you and Touya grew up together. It was one of those forced friendships, that would have some huge development later on. As you were getting older, you started realising that you actually liked spending your time with him.

,, I hate this.. When I have money, there is nothing nice to buy, but when I’m broke as fuck, every dress is looking beautiful’’ you rolled your eyes disappointedly. Every time you don’t have much money, the stores around are having such a beautiful collections.

Of course, being your best friend, Touya always bought you clothes you had your eyes on, as a small surprise after you had a long and hard day at uni. You really loved him. Not only because of that, but simply for being him. Everyone knew how damn grateful you were for having him and your life and you really never tried to hide that.

,, Let’s go see if they have some board games, maybe we can buy something and play tonight’’ Touya suggested, grabbing your hand as he took the lead. Every time Touya would hold your hand, your heart would skip a beat. Probably because of the fact that you had one big and fat crush on your best friend.

You were not sure when did it start. Maybe when he pierced his nose, or when people started thinking that the two of you are couple, or maybe the feeling was always there, but you kept it somewhere buried in your mind. Hiding it from everyone and especially from him.

,, Oh, I always wanted to play thing game’’ Touya said, holding a small, black package in his hands. You tried to grab it away from him, but unsuccessfully.

,, What is it ? Show me’’ You squeaked excitedly, hoping it’s something fun.

,, It’s Drunk in love’’ He said, waving the small package in the air. Confusion and jealousy washed over you as you looked at the back of the package. You’ve heard about that game, it’s one for couples.

,, Should we buy it ? I really want to play it’’ He asked. Only confusion was left in your body once he asked you that.

,, Isn’t that a game for couples ?’’ You asked him back.

,, Yeah, but it really isn’t something special, after all everyone is mistaking us for couple, so i don’t see a problem here’’ Touya said, winking at you. ,, Unless you are scared’’ he added fast. You knew that he was just trying to tease you a bit, it was how he always got things his way.

,, You know very well that I ain’t scared. But Touya, that’s not something we should play’’ you said honestly. Sure you would love to play that with him, but you didn’t know what kind of game that really is, so it gave you mixed feelings.

,, Trust me, the game is not a big deal. It’s just fun.’’ He said, looking down at you, hoping you’ll agree with his suggestion. ,, Trust me doll’’ he repeated, and the moment you let a deep breath out and rolled your eyes, Touya knew that he won, making his way to the cashier immediately.

,, Let’s buy something to drink at least’’ you said, hoping that the game won’t be so bad at the end.

,, We have to, it’s a drinking game anyway’’ Touya laughed, placing one arm around you, as the two of you walked to the store with alcohol.

The two of you bought a bottle of vodka, before you made your way home. Not wasting any time, Touya helped you put the groceries in the fridge, before he opened the small package. He took two small glasses for shots, and placed them beside the deck of cards that were already on the table in the living room.

You took two normal glasses and orange juice, in case the vodka might be too much. Touya was already waiting for you, searching for some music on YouTube, as he sat on the floor.

,,Here’’ Touya offered you a cigarette, once you sat on the other side, placing one pillow under your ass. You gladly accepted the cigarette, as you enjoyed the music he found.

The two of you drank few shots of vodka, before you started to play. You weren’t sure what to expect of that game, but if you were being honest, the alcohol was helping you, even tho it was just a little bit.

,, Imma go first’’ Touya said, taking one card. ,, Describe your worst hookup ever or drink’’ he read it out lout. Okay, that wasn’t something so bad, after all, you’ve already talked about it with him.

,, Ehh, that one time I slept with Kai.’’ You said rolling your eyes as you thought about it.

,,Ah, that time when you though he’s still fingering you ?’’ Touya asked, laughing a bit.

,, Yes Touya, his dick was that small’’ You laughed, feeling a little bit more comfy about the stupid game. ,, My turn’’ you added, taking one card.

,, Reveal your biggest sexual fantasy or drink’’ You read it excitedly, wiggling your eyebrows at him.

,, Yeah, no’’ Touya laughed, taking a shot without thinking twice, leaving you all disappointed. ,, Pull another one’’ Touya said, closing his eyes because of the strong taste of the alcohol.

,, Give your parter a piggy back ride around the room or drink’’ a big smile formed on your face as you read the sentence.

,, Easy peasy’’ Touya commented, standing up. The moment he turned around, giving you a sign to hop on his back, you did it. The two of you looked like children, running around the apartment like crazy.

,, Drink if you’ve ever faked an orgasm’’ Touya said, placing the card on the table. Of course you had to drink, thanking God you didn’t have to take a shot for every orgasm you faked.

Card after card, and shot after shot, the two of you were getting tipsier and the cards were getting spicier.

,, Blindfold your partner and make them guess which body part they’re touching or drink’’ Touya read the sentence, glad he was the one who found it first. ,, Yeah, you gonna chicken out ‘’ he teased.

,, Shut up and close your eyes’’ You said thinking about what part you should let him touch. Everything was way too easy to guess. At one point you were almost sure that there was a typo on the card, and that you should touch yourself and he should guess which part, but Touya was 100% sure that he was supposed to touch you.

Taking his hands, you decided that it would be the best if he would touch your collar and breast bones. At your surprise, he was tracing his fingers lightly over your skin, furrowing his eyebrows confusingly as he tried to understand what part of your body he’s touching.

,, Collarbones’’ He said opening his eyes immediately. ,, Ok, you’ve lost, drink’’ he commanded with a smirk on his face, as he took another card.

,, Take one article of clothing or drink’’ Touya placed the card on the table, leaning back onto the lower part of your couch. When he took of his shirt, showing of his perfectly toned body covered with various different tattoos, you realised that the card was referring to both of you. Since your shirt was a bit oversized, you decided to take of your pants.

Trying to ignore the small situation you found yourself in, you took another card fast.

,, Let your partner spank you or drink’’ you read it confusedly, trying to understand what the fuck is happening. Once you understood, you started shaking your head in disbelief, following with one loud laugh. What the fuck did you get yourself into ?

,, Come on doll, come to daddy ‘’ Touya joked, spreading his arms over the couch, as you took the shot of vodka anyway, before you made your way toward him.

Not giving you much time, Touya pulled you down, bending you over his lap. ,, You have no idea how much I wanted to do this’’ He confessed, as he pulled your shirt just enough to show your ass. You couldn’t even focus on his small confession, since you were trying to prepare yourself on the upcoming spanks.

Instead of spanking you, Touya decided to take his time with you, tracing his fingers over your hips and playing with the ends of your panties, pulling them up, forming a thong with them. You were glad that some alcohol was in your system, because you were pretty sure that sober you would never survive that.

,, Now doll, be a good girl and take every single spank for daddy’’ Touya whispered, before he connected his palm with your ass cheek, making you yelp in pain. With every spank he gave you, the pain was getting intenser. But you didn’t mind, after all, isn’t that what you wished for ?

,, Such a good Girl’’ He prised, caressing the red marks he left over your ass. Once you got back on the other side of the table, both you and him started laughing hysterically.

,, Lick your partner below the waist or finish your drink’’ Touya said, smirking widely once again. ,, There’s no way I’m finishing this drink’’ He added, grabbing your arm and pushing you toward him.Touya pushed up on the couch, as he started licking your legs slowly.

You couldn’t believe what the fuck was happening. Both of you half naked, playing some overly sexual game, which led him to licking your legs. You weren’t sure what was driving you more crazy, him licking your legs or his erection that was showing under his grey sweatpants.

Touya placed his hand on your tight, giving in one strong squeeze as he was placing wet kisses on your right inner tight. You could feel his lips getting closer and closer to your private parts, but you didn’t dare to say anything.

,, Wanna know what my fantasy is ?’’ Touya asked, kissing and biting onto the skin around your panties. All you could do is nod your head quietly, lost under his touch and soft kisses.

,, You, you are my biggest fantasy. I want to have you all for myself’’ Touya said hovering over you. ,, I want you to be mine’’ he added, looking you directly in the eyes, before he started leaving soft kisses all over your face.

,, Wanna be mine ? Just you and me doll’’ He asked, biting your lip.

,, Yes’’ You answered him so fast. Fuck yes you want to be his, He didn’t even have to ask you that, you were always his.

Once he heard you say that, Touya pulled his sweatpants and boxers down, letting his hard dick jump straight up. Not breaking the kiss, he started rubbing the tip of his dick around your entrance.

,, Doll, tell me if I’m too rought’’ He said, entering you slowly while he sucked onto your neck, leaving wet love bites. You couldn’t manage to give him a proper answer, hoping that simply nodding your head was understandable enough.

Once he was fully inside of you, he gave you some time to adjust to his size before he started rocking his hips into you. He wasn’t doing it slow, and the position you were in wasn’t the most comfortable one, but you didn’t care about that. All you could think of was the pleasure he was giving you at the moment, mixed with pain.

You wrapped your legs around his waist as he rammed into you recklessly, breathing into your neck as his moves were getting stronger and stronger.

,, So tight for me’’ Touya groaned, enjoying the warm feeling your walls were giving him. It felt like you were made just for him. Placing one hand on your hip, and other one on the edge of the couch, he increased his speed, fucking you stronger and deeper than before. With every move he made, he was hitting your g spot, making you moan louder and louder. You were pretty sure that your neighbours were able to hear the two of you, but none of you gave a single fuck.

Both of you were about to cum. His groans were getting louder, and he was fucking you ever harder, while your walls were getting tighter and tighter around him, making it even more enjoyable for him.

,, You can cum inside’’ You managed to say somehow, moaning his name and squeezing your eyes shut once you reached your high.

,, I was planning to ’’ He groaned, fucking you through your orgasm, making it even better for you. After few thrusts, he spilled his seed deep into you. Moving few more times as he made sure to fill you nice and good, not wasting a single drop of his sperm. Once he was done, he collapsed on top of you, fighting for his breath.

,, I love you so much Doll’’ he said, connecting his lips with your own.

,, I love you too’’ You answered him, smiling widely into the kiss.

That night he took care of you, cleaning you, and taking you to his room, making sure that you are alright and that he didn’t hurt you. That night he made sure to clear some things out, he made sure that you wouldn’t think this was some sort of misunderstanding. Telling you how he actually always wanted to ask you out, and how that game was just a chance for him to get him where he is now. With you in his bed, locked between his arms.

That night you understood that your crush was never one sided, and that you were the reason why your best friend never dated anyone else.

Who would have thought that such a dirty game could bring people together ? Would lead them to confessing to each other. You sure didn’t think so, yet there you are, instead of daydreaming about it, you are enjoying the warmth of your best friend, roommate and lover.

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mintmatcha · 3 years ago

Text

quickie - dabi X hero!reader

Dabi x cis!fem reader

CW: public sex, voyeurism, standing sex, doll as a nickname, praise

a/n: thanks to shan’s discover server for dealing with my bullshit creating this <3

"We can't keep doing this."

The figure, leaned against the graffitied brick of a building, tosses back his hood as he takes another drag from his cigarette. The black of his hair, streaked with the occasional red, shines under the streetlamp. His burns are worse than the last time you’ve seen him, stretching from his face to his knuckles.

"You say that everytime." Dabi drops the cigarette butt and crushes it under the heel of his boot. "But you always come anyway."

You scuff your heel against the concrete, listening to how it echoes down the empty street. The dive bar you two stand in front of long ago cleared, all of the patrons disappearing into the night.

Maybe heading home. Most likely not.

You should be heading home too.

"I'm only here because you asked me to be here." you ask cooly, forcing your eyes to stay glued to your phone. You don't look away until his tight grip clutches your shoulder. Against the chill of the night, his touch is comforting.

"Don't play coy." he scoffs, "I never asked you to be here, little hero."

You flinch at the nickname, checking your surroundings once again. Being recognized as a hero would mean trouble in this neighborhood. You already clearly don't belong; you had dressed nicely for a date- a date with another hero, someone good for you-

only to abandon him the moment this asshole texted you.

"I just told you I was bored," Dabi smirks, the stitches at the corners of his mouth pulling as he eyes you up, "And you decided to entertain me, apparently."

You wish your heart wasn't beating out of your chest. You're not quite sure what it was about him- maybe the danger, maybe daddy issues, maybe the horrifying idea that you genuinely cared about him, maybe something entirely different- but you were wrapped around his fingers.

And he is well aware of it.

He hooks a finger under the strap of your dress and pulls it down and off your shoulder with a languid pace, eyes tracing over the exposed skin. "I like this. Kinda fancy, kinda skimpy-" His tongue runs over the edge of one of his incisors, his piercing catching the low light. "It's like you're asking for trouble."

You just shrug. "Maybe I am looking for trouble."

"I told you to stop playing coy." His hand cups your chin, dragging it up to look at him directly. His gaze is dark, hungry, and more than a little dangerous. "Are you here to get dicked down or what?"

You try to sound nonchalant, but your voice is high and tight in your throat. “If that’s what you want, I guess.”

“Aw, come on now, lil hero. Don’t pretend to be a brat." he grins, pulling your head higher, “Lemme hear you say it. Tell me you came here to get fucked."

“I-” you hesitate.

“Come on, say it.” he takes your hand in his and, for a second, it's sweet- but then he guides it down to the front of his pants, cupping you over his crotch to feel the beginning of his excitement. "Say you wanna get fucked."

You swallow, and then gently squeeze his cock. "I want you to have sex with me."

"Nuh-uh. That's not what I said." he leans into you, lips brushing against yours, blue eyes never leaving yours, "Say you want me to fuck you."

"I want you to fuck me."

“Aw, dirty girl.” he purrs, "What would everyone think? The perfect sidekick, begging for a villain's cock?"

He closes the gap and catches the plush of your lip between his teeth- hard. You gasp and he doesn't waste the opportunity; his tongue finds yours, rushed and messy.

The kiss breaks, a string of spit connecting your lips for a microsecond. "Turn around."

Before you can react, Dabi's hand grips your forearm and twists it behind you, forcing you against the wall. The prickle of the brick digs into your cheek, but you can't focus on the pain- only the heat of his hands: one holding you still, the over sliding up your skirt.

"H-here?" you whisper, but don't resist. "Someone could see."

"Yeah-" his chuckle is low, "That's the fun part."

He's quick to flip the fabric up and over your ass, exposing your lacy panties to the night air. His palms your ass and shakes it, eyes glued to how it shakes and quivers under his touch.

"Very sexy." he coos almost mockingly, pulling the elastic of your panties so taut that it digs into your skin. You flinch when it snaps back, further pressing yourself into the wall, and Dabi laughs.

"Aw, sensitive little thing, aren'tcha?" he grinds against you, the rough fabric of his jeans doing nothing to hide the swell of his cock. It rubs between your ass cheeks, the friction of demin already burning. The only respite in the cool metal of his studded belt, smooth and slick against you.

"Are you sure you can handle this, baby?" he tugs you closer by the bicep, arching your back until your head falls back. Like this, he looks down at you, a wolfish grin on his face. "I'd be so sad if I broke you."

"No, you wouldn't-" your free arm slides down his front, thumb dipping into the waistband and fingers rolling over the buckle.

"Yeah, you're right." he helps you unclasp the buckle, the gentle tinkling the only sound that echoes down the empty street. It hits you then that, despite the late hour, someone could approach at any moment and catch you being fucked by a wanted criminal.

The scrape of denim is replaced by hot, smooth skin and a tickle of his happy trail. Dabi lets the weight of his cock fall against your folds and a warm trickle of precum grazes your cheek. The night only seems to be getting colder, but the latent heat of Dabi's skin only seems to build.

"Fuck--" he ruts up against you unexpectedly, "You're fucking dripping-" You can feel his cock sliding against you, the wetness of your arousal letting him easily slip between your thighs. The head of his cock ghosts near your clit, not nearly the pressure you need. "God, maybe I'll just fuck you like this-"

A whine escapes your throat before you can tamp it down.

"Oh, don’t be a brat.” he pulls back, “I’ll make sure you get what you need.”

He digs into his pocket and pulls out a gold foil packet, flashing it to you. You two agreed on protection since the first hook up- your insistence. He quickly rips into it with his teeth and rolls the condom down, barely covering his length before he pushes against your entrance, his fat head easily popping inside despite the stretch. You expect him to fully bury himself in one stroke, like he always does, but he stays there inside you, his cock barely past the petals of your pussy. Impatiently, you wiggle back against him, desperate for more, but he braces against you.

"Slow down, now-" he clicks his tongue before pressing a surprisingly soft kiss into your temple. Then, he shoves you forward again, face smushed into the rocky brick. "Lemme enjoy this properly."

You teeter on your high heels, legs already shaking as he finally rolls his hips forward inch by inch. Under his breath, he mutters so low that you can't understand him, but you catch clippings of praise and curses.

His pace is unusually slow, letting you savor the fullness of his whole cock before he pulls back to the tip. His breath is uncomfortably warm against the back of your neck. The scent of ash and tobacco that clings to him makes your stomach turn, but you can't help but want more of it- more of him.

The hand of your hip, unnaturally warm, almost burning, slips around to the front of the panties, dipping into the fabric to trace supply circles around your clit. It's nice- soft and gentle-

but you don't fuck Dabi to be gentle.

With your free hand, you push against the wall, forcing him to sink into you, hard. "Fucking hell-" he chokes out a groan as you start bucking against him. He uses your forearm as leverage, pulling and pushing down his length faster and faster. "That's it-- bounce like that- oh, good girl-"

Your voice, pathetic and lewd, fills the stress, but Dabi does nothing to muffle it. Of course he doesn't- he likes the risk. He wants to be caught, wants people to see him splitting you in half. Anyone even remotely close would be able to hear the wet, sloppy sound of your pussy, but you can't find it in yourself to care.

Once you get the rhythm he wants, Dabi releases your arm and grabs on to the front of your dress, palming your tits through the fabric greedily. It's rough, almost bruising, squishing you solely for his pleasure.

"So soft," he breathes. After a moment, he decides the fondling isn't enough and wraps his fingers under the hem, digging into the fat of your chest. With a firm tug, he snaps the remaining strap, freeing one of your tits into the cool night air. You don't even have time to shiver before his hand takes it place against you.

Dabi always runs warm, but something about sex- albeit the desire or the physical contact- makes him hot. The stroke of his hands, the lips across your shoulder blade, the dip of his stomach against your back- all of them leave ghosts, trails of goosebumps where heat used to be.

Even through the condom, his cock radiates heat deep inside your cunt, twitching and pulsing with every stroke. His fingertips never leave their mark, rolling your clit steadily.

"Y-you gonna cum for me?" he says through his teeth, "Gonna let me f-feel it? Let me make you feel good? Oh, such a good girl for me--"

The pressure on your clit all at once becomes too much and you cum, knees wobbling and threatening to give out. Your pace threatens to falter, but Dabi muscles through it for you.

Dabi's lips find your neck, right below your jaw. A flick of the tongue is followed by the sharp pain of his teeth digging into the soft spot. Overstimulation hits your quickly, your pussy twitching every stroke.

"'Is too much." you hiccup, reaching behind you blindly. You manage to caress his face, the staples warm and wet with his sweat. He nuzzles into the hand, a surprisingly sweet gesture.

"Just- just take it." he growls. The pace is suddenly lopsided, the rhythm gone as he starts to cum.

The gentle pulsing of his cock is immediately followed by pooling warmth. No, warmth is an understatement. It's hot, almost unbearably. You keen away from him, but he stays locked against you.

"G-get off," you hiccup, "You're t-too hot."

"You're not so bad yourself, doll." He withdrawals and quickly peels the condom off, tossing it to the side. He spins you around, running a thumb under your eye. Flecks of mascara and eyeliner stick to his skin. "Especially like this." he gestures to you as a whole. Running makeup, ripped dress, quivering legs, your own cum glossing your thighs- you look destroyed.

"You should walk around like this all the time." Dabi wipes his stomach with his shirt, haphazardly smearing the wetness more than cleaning it, before redoing his buckle. He takes his time, clearly not concerned about being exposed. "On second thought- nah. Just wear this for me."

You shimmy your dress down, trying to cover your ass as quickly as possible. "You're disgusting."

He throws his head back and laughs. "You didn't seem to think so a couple minutes ago."

"Fuck you."

Dabi shakes a cigarette free from the carton and sticks it between his teeth. "Aw, doll-" he dots the tip with his finger and it alights, deep orange against the dark of the night. "You just did."

#dabi x reader #dabi smut #mha smut #dabi #touya smut #minors do not interact #hotstuff

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watchmegetobsessed · 4 years ago

Text

Risk it - Harry Styles

a/n: this came so fast and typed most of it out at work lmao, but i kinda dig how it turned out!! hope you’ll like it too! as always, feedback is very much appreciated!

pairing: professor!Harry x Reader

warning: sexual content

word count: 11.8k

masterlist

You shake yourself a little bit to get rid of the spicy coldness that’s been lingering around in the city in the past few days. It’s only the end of August, but feels more like late October, though they say the warmness will return for a few more weeks shortly. That would be much needed, you’d love to enjoy some more lunches out in a park or down near the river before you are forced to withdraw into the insides for the rest of the year.

Looking around in the packed pub you look for the familiar golden locks of Piper and you quickly spot her in one of the corner booths, laughing joyfully with pinked cheeks probably from the almost empty pint of beer in front of her. Marching through the place you slide into the booth joining the group of three.

“And there she is!” Piper cheers.

“We thought you’re gonna bail on us,” Abigail snickers and you just roll your eyes.

“I said I would come, just had some work to finish before,” you tell them, shaking your cardigan down your arms quickly, the air is thicker, mustier and much warmer in here, but it’s not surprising, the pub is packed, just as usual on a Friday evening.

“You work way too much,” Piper shakes her head in disapproval as she downs the rest of her drink.

“I’ll be working way less from September.”

“Yeah, but you’ll spend the rest of the week in school, so it’s gonna be the same!” Mona chimes in with furrowed eyebrows.

“They promised me a fat raise if I get this degree within the next three years, I could definitely use the extra cash so I can finally buy my own place soon,” you explain.

You know they understand the situation and they wish you the best. They want to see you succeed in life and in your career, they just love teasing you about how dedicated you are towards your work, having to say immediately yes when your boss told you you’d get a new position and a raise if you finish the masters you never got to two years ago. You already had a handful of credits done that you’ll be able to get accepted, meaning you only have about one year worth of credits to finish in two years while working. It might get a little overwhelming to have an almost fulltime job and go to school but you’re determined to do this.

“We know, we know,” Abigail chuckles. “Alright, no more work or school talk tonight. We are here to let loose, so let’s get another round!”

Soon enough you are nursing a beer of your own, enjoying your time with your friends. It’s been long all four of you were free on the same night. Piper got married last year, Abigail’s work forces her to travel around a lot and Mona has a bitch of a boss, making her work overtime a lot, so it’s been hard to fix up a date that fits everyone. It’s been like this since you all finished your bachelors three years ago. You like to think you’re still a fresh little young adult who just barely stepped out into the big world, but it’s not true, hasn’t been for a while. You’re 24, you have a career, you live on your own, you take care of yourself fully. You are an adult, whether you like it or not.

Drink after drink, the four of you are getting tipsy, having an amazing time talking about the stories you shared back in university. Piper was your roommate first year uni, Mona and Abigail were in the room next to yours and you quickly became close friends, moved in for the rest of your studies until you all went your own ways after graduation, but keeping in touch as much as possible.

“I’m gonna get another one, but that’s gonna be my last one, because I have some work to finish in the morning,” you announce climbing out of the booth.

“No work talk!” Mona and Abigail shout at the same time making you laugh as you just wave them off and head to the bar.

You’ve been waiting for the line to get shorter, now only a few people are lingering around so you patiently wait for your turn, clutching onto your card in your hand. You don’t pay much attention to the tall guy next to you, only when someone bumps into you from behind and makes you fall against his side.

“Oh shoot, sorry! Someone pushed me,” you apologize immediately as the guy looks at you over his broad shoulder and your gaze meets a pair of green eyes framed with long lashes and a curious look in them.

“No worries, Love,” he smiles and you almost gasp at the British accent that laces through his voice. You take a quick moment to inspect the man, he is standing almost a full head above you, wearing a simple black shirt and brown slacks, a set of bulky rings sitting on his fingers that are spread out on the counter in front of him, his whole left arm covered in ink and you feel the urge to examine every figure on his golden skin. His chocolate curls are kind of a mess, but still look well placed, you bet he is the type who only runs his fingers through his hair and makes it look breathtaking. He is handsome and definitely your type, looks older than you, but you wouldn’t think he is over thirty.

“What’s your order?” he asks and your eyes snap up to him, realizing he is still looking at you.

“Huh?”

“What’s your order? I’ll get it for you so you don’t have to wait longer.” “Oh, I’ll just have a stout,” you tell him, feeling a little flushed from his offer. His eyebrows rise in surprise. “What?”

“Didn’t take you as a stout person is all,” he smirks at you as the bartender appears in front of him with his drink, asking if he wants anything else. “And a stout, please.” The guy nods and disappears to get your drink.

“I uhh—I only have card though,” you speak up realizing you can’t pay it back to him.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s on me.”

“Oh, no, that wouldn’t be fair,” you protest and he seems amused that you don’t just let him pay for your drink.

“How about this: you pay for the next round. Me and my mates are sitting over there, just come over when you finish this,” he offers, pointing at two guys sitting a few booths away from you and your friends.

“This was supposed to be my last round. I have to work in the morning,” you breathe out tilting your head.

“What? Work on Saturday? What kind of job is so cruel to make you work on a Saturday morning?” he asks with a boyish smile.

“One that pays my bills and most importantly my beer,” you chuckle softly.

“Okay, then make it just a soda,” he cheekily says and you feel giddy that this man is so keen on having another drink with you.

“I guess that could work,” you smile just as the bartender appears with your drink and the handsome man pays for the drinks, just then you realize you don’t even know his name. “I’m Y/N, by the way,” you tell him taking your beer. He tugs his wallet into his pocket before holding a hand out for you.

“Harry. Nice to meet you,” he smiles warmly and the moment you take his hand, you feel the tiny sparks. This man is surely something else. “I’ll be waiting for our next round,” he cheekily tells you raising his glass before the two of you part and go back to your own groups. As expected, your friends are already waiting for you with wide eyes and excitement, having witnessed your little chat with Harry at the bar.

“Who was that?! No, wait, it doesn’t matter. You need to go home with him!” Abigail smacks her hand to the table earning a chuckle from you.

“Don’t be dramatic, I just met him.”

“And you have to get to know him better. Deeper, you know what I mean?” Mona prompts.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe you all. He is hot, but I’m not looking to day anyone right now.”

“You know, it’s starting to get boring to hear you say that you are just working on yourself these days. That’s not what you’re doing,” Piper gives you a look. “You are wasting your time on work and school and all these stuff that will be there when you’re older. Live a little, Y/N!” she begs.

“You guys make me appear like a no fun bitch, but that’s not who I am!” you defend yourself, though you know they just want the best for you.

“A fun bitch would ditch us right now and go over to their booth and then ride his dick all night.”

You gasp at the unfiltered answer you just heard from Mona, but deep down, you know she is right. You haven’t really let yourself be a little crazy in a while, your one night stands stopped the moment you graduated and stepped into the world of work. It just didn’t fit into your everydays, you had a lot to worry about, making a living and keeping your life on track, but you have it all now. What’s stopping you from hooking up with a cute guy?

“I’m not gonna just ditch you guys, came here to spend time with you!”

“Shut up, we are leaving then,” Abigail snaps, downing the rest of her drink in a blink of an eye and for a moment you’re speechless.

“What? No! We never get to spend quality time together, all four of us!”

“Honey,” Mona sighs. “We love you and we know you need this. So go, get the tatted hottie and we’ll meet up another time when you’ll get to tell us all about how good the D was.”

“Jesus, you guys are unbelievable,” you chuckle shaking your head, accepting the fact that they are really forcing you to do this.

They all quickly finish their drinks and get ready to leave, hugging you before they exit the place, leaving you alone in the booth. Staring down at the stout in front of you, feeling nervous to just walk up to the guys a few tables away, though Harry told you to go over, however he didn’t invite you to join their group, just promised another round.

You take a few long gulps, hoping the strong drink will bring out your courage and before you could talk yourself down you grab your bag and drink, heading over to Harry and his friends. He is sitting at the far end so he easily spots you walking over, perching up in his seat when he sees you approaching.

“Hey,” you greet them all with a shy smile, waving around. There’s a blond guy sitting across Harry and a brunette with equally as many tattoos on his arms as Harry.

“Hey, you haven’t finished your drink,” Harry observes with a small smirk.

“Um, no. But my friends left and I was wondering if I could… join you guys.”

“Oh, the honor is yours! Take a seat beautiful!” the blonde one immediately slides further into the booth so you can sit across Harry. “I’m Niall, what’s your name?”

“Y/N.”

“So very nice to meet you,” he grins at you, words thick with Irish accent. “That’s Louis over there,” he gestures towards the third man who nods in your way with a welcoming smile.

“Hi. I’m hoping I’m not interrupting though.”

“Oh, never,” Niall shakes his head immediately. “We saw you chatting up Harry at the bar, have been teasing him about going up to you since then,” he cheekily comments and you see Harry giving him a look, but Niall couldn’t care less.

All three of them are hilarious and you love the dynamic in their friendship. Niall is clearly the loud one, Louis is the cheeky who is always up for some mischief and Harry is somewhat the serious bloke, but it’s clear he doesn’t say no to any crazy ideas his two friends make up. You love the teasing and joking, they make you feel welcomed and as if you’d known them for longer than just an hour. As promised, you pay for Harry’s next drink, but you stick to just a lemonade, not wanting to overstep your own boundaries.

All while you’re sitting with the guys, you keep catching Harry eyeing you, your gazes meet over your drinks and at one point you feel his leg finding yours under the table, your ankles pressing together as he nudges you with his feet. You feel like a giddy teenager flirting with her crush, Harry’s effect on you is probably very clear too, but you don’t care.

Louis is the first one to leave and Niall follows not long later, leaving you alone with Harry. The nerves are raging in you as you try to figure out which way to take it. Though he seems like a nice guy, you still don’t want to take it any further than a hookup. Dating is just not in the cards for you right now. But how do you imply a one night stand? Do you ask him to come to your place? Or do you go to his? You would rather go to his so you can sneak out first thing in the morning, spare you an awkward talk over breakfast before you leave.

“We should… get going too,” you suggest and Harry nods in agreement, finishing up the last gulps of his beer. You take a deep breath and decide to just be straight forward. “Maybe I could go to yours? Have another round there?” Your suggestion comes out fainter than you intended, but you still manage to sound confident. Harry seems a little surprised, but he doesn’t voice it.

“Another? Thought you were done for the night,” he tells with an amused smirk.

“I’m sure you have something alcohol free,” you shrug innocently.

“I surely do,” he nods. “Alright, let’s get going.

He calls an Uber and the two of you sit close in the car, thighs touching and at one point his large hand finds your thigh, squeezing it gently that sets a fire in your core almost immediately. It’s been long you’ve been touched by a man, you were starting to forget what it feels like, but you know Harry will remind you well about it.

He lives in a nice townhouse and you note how it’s not too far from the campus you’ll be going to a lot in a week. He keys the two of you in, switching the lights on in his cozy home. It’s not messy, more like lived in. A lot of books everywhere, the furniture doesn’t match, but all together, the whole place is pulled together somehow. It’s very like him.

“So, what would you like to drink?” he asks walking into the open concept kitchen, grabbing two glasses from the cupboard. “I have some tea, orange juice, water…”

As you watch his broad back, his muscles moving under the soft fabric of his shirt, you quickly forget about any drink. You want him and you want him now. Walking up to him you slide between him and the kitchen counter, catching him by surprise when you cup his face in your hands and pull him down into a hard kiss, but a moment later his arms wrap around you, lifting you up from the ground until you are sat on the counter. You open your knees so he stands between them, his crotch meeting yours as you kiss messily, all tongues, tugging and nipping, but oh my! You absolutely love it. The man has a mouth full of magic and you can only imagine what else he can do with those lips.

A whimpered moan leaves your mouth when you feel his growing bulge rub against your core as his lips travel down your jawline and throat, kissing and licking on your heated skin.

“Harry, bedroom,” you demand grabbing onto his shoulders and he doesn’t waste a moment, picking you up into his arms and heading somewhere down the hallway. You can’t quite comprehend what way it is, you’re way too lost in the feeling of his lips on your collarbone and neck, surely leaving marks on you.

He lays you down to a king sized bed and gets on top of you right away, following his wandering down your body. His ring clad fingers work fast on the hem of your shirt, pulling it off you in a moment before he kneels up and gets rid of his own shirt. He looks breathtaking, all the tattoos littering his chest and stomach, you just want to kiss all of them, feel his skin on your lips.

As he unbuckles his leather belt you push down your skinny jeans, throwing the item to the side without ever taking your hands off him. The man surely has all your attention.

When his slacks join the rest of your clothes on the floor he climbs on top of you again, kissing down the valley between your breasts that are still covered in the lacy bra. Your underwear doesn’t match, but something is telling you Harry is more eager to see you without them than to examine them. When he hooks his fingers into your panties and starts pulling them down, you reach to your back, unclasping the bra and in a blink of an eye, you’re lying completely naked in front of him.

“Fuck, you look so hot, Y/N,” he breathes out before those magical lips start working on your nipples, making you moan and whimper under him.

Kissing down your stomach he spreads your thighs wide, gazing down at your naked sex and for a moment you feel a little self-conscious, but the lust in Harry’s eyes quickly makes it disappear.

“You’re gonna let me have a taste, baby?” he murmurs, sending shivers down your spine as you nod eagerly.

He is not a tease. Harry dives right in, his lips meeting your clit, working his magic and you cry out his name, fingers tangling into his locks to keep him in place, not that he is about to stop anytime soon. He clearly enjoys pleasuring you.

“Oh fuck!” you gasp when his tongue runs down your slit and he slowly pushes into you, making your back arch. You need him inside you, you need him to fill you up right now or else you’ll burst. “Harry,” you breathe out, tugging on his shoulders, urging him to come back up.

He climbs up your body, a satisfied smirk on his glistening lips and when he kisses you hungrily, you can taste yourself on him.

“Condom,” you urge him, hands pushing down on his briefs, lips still locked as he reaches to the bedside table. You hear the familiar sound of the package ripping before he leans back, your eyes falling on his naked erection for the first time and your lips part seeing his cock, knowing already he’ll feel you up so well. He rolls the condom on easily before returning to you, but you don’t stay in that position too long. You want to ride this man, see him come undone under you. Being on top is already one of your favorite positions, but with Harry, you just know it’s going to be amazing.

You push on his shoulder and he understands your intention without a spoken word, so he rolls to his back and lets you straddle him, glancing down at his cock that’s now grazing his lower stomach, so hard and throbbing just for you. His fingers dig into your hips when you wrap a hand around his length, positioning him to your center.

“Oh fuck!” he moans when you ease down, his cock filling you up inch to inch, feeling so amazing like nothing before.

“Shit,” you breathe out gasping when you sit on him fully, taking his whole length inside you, stretching your insides so nicely, your wet walls hugging him perfectly.

“You feel so fucking good,” he murmurs lowly as you start buckling your hips, moving back and forth, up and down, the friction you’re creating swallowing you up entirely.

Harry can’t take his eyes off you, a hand wandering up to cup your breast and you cover his hand with yours, encouraging him to squeeze, making you moan passionately. He starts buckling his hips in sync with your movements, meeting you with every little thrust, hitting just the right spots, building up your orgasm so easily like no man has ever done before.

“Harry, oh God!” you moan, falling forward, leaning onto your arms next to his head, your lips meet in a hungry and demanding kiss as he wraps his arms around your body, thrusting up into you hard and so good, you whimper against his lips.

“You’re gonna cum for me, baby? I wanna see you feel good,” he pants, never slowing down. A few moments later he rolls the two of you around, your back hitting the sheets again as he moves one of your legs to rest on his shoulder, hitting a spot that almost makes you see stars.

“Oh yes! There! Don’t fucking stop!” you cry out so loud, you can only hope the walls are thick enough to keep your voice locked in the room.

“Not planning to,” he chuckles shortly before burying his face in the crook of your neck. You hold onto him for dear life, fingers digging into his sweaty skin, feeling as if you are melting into him.

Harry rocks into you relentlessly, your toes curling as you feel your orgasm finally arriving, making you gasp for air.

“Harry! I’m gonna cum!” you moan and he lifts his head, never stopping, not even for a second. His green eyes lock on your gaze, curls flopping into his forehead as he watches you in awe.

“Let it go for me, baby. Cum all over me, I wanna see how good I’m making you feel.”

“So fucking good!”

He picks up his pace just enough to make you lose your mind. It hits you like a pile of bricks, your orgasm washing over you in intense waves as you moan his name again and again. Your walls clench around him and it’s enough to throw him over the edge as well. His thrusts become uncoordinated and harder as his mouth hangs open.

“Fuck, Y/N! You feel so fucking amazing!” he whimpers through his pleasure and you watch him fall apart, panting and gasping for air, trying to remember every little detail about him. This is an experience you surely won’t forget and will probably fantasize about a lot when you’re alone at home, playing with yourself, seeking release.

A few more sloppy thrusts later he stops, kissing your lips passionately before he pulls out and falls to the mattress next to you. You both need a few minutes to recover from it, just panting and laying numbly next to each other, Harry’s arm thrown over your stomach. You turn to the side and immediately meet his glistening eyes, filled with satisfaction and bliss. When he finally recollects himself he pecks your lips softly before leaving the bed. You watch him remove the used condom, tie it and toss it into the small trash can near his dressed before he moves to the bathroom. When he reappears, he is wearing a fresh pair of boxers and he has a wet washcloth in his hand. Sitting beside you he gently cleans you up as you murmur your thank you.

“Want something to sleep in?” he asks then and you nod. He grabs you a t-shirt and a pair of loose shorts that you put on gladly. They smell exactly like him, soap, something citrus-like and a hint of anise.

He returns to bed and pulls you into his embrace, you gladly make yourself comfortable curled up to his side. Lying there, feeling his fingers gently running up and down your arm almost makes you want more from him. You could get used to share a bed with him and it’s not just because of the mind-blowing sex, but he is a lovable person. You feel bad you’re planning to leave without a trace in the morning, but then you tell yourself it’s what has to happen.

Harry doses off soon and you follow him right after, the warmth of his body puts you to sleep easily. When you wake up it’s still clearly early. Harry is sleeping soundly next to you, face squished into the pillow and you almost stay, wanting to see what he’s like in the morning, but you don’t let yourself change your mind.

You get dressed into your own clothes and leave the ones he lent you on top of his dresser. You tiptoe out of his room and grab your bag before looking for a piece of paper and a pen. You quickly scribble down a short note for him.

“Had fun last night. Hope you won’t be mad, but I only saw it as a one night stand. You’re an amazing man, Harry. I’m glad we met. Xx –Y/N”

It’s more than nothing, than leaving without a word and you don’t let the guilt take over you. Taking one last look around, glancing in the way of the bedroom where he is still asleep, you pack it all up and put it to the back of your mind before walking out.

The last week before your classes start passes by faster than you imagined. It’s your last week fully in the office so you try to work a little ahead, staying in afterhours so you won’t have that much to take care of while you get used to being a uni student again. You usually get home after nine and basically fall into bed right away, and you even work during the weekend before the Monday when school starts. You go to bed way too late so it’s not a surprise you wake up late. You get ready in a rush, throwing out your plan to get a coffee on your way out the window since you are way behind time. Running across campus you’re lucky you already know your way around so you don’t have to wander around, looking for the room you have to be at, but even when you finally reach the right hallway you’re ten minutes late to the class.

Introduction to International Relations, held by Prof. Styles, 8.30-10.00, it reads on the little timetable attached to the way next to the closed doors and you pray the man didn’t start in time, so you’d be late with just a few minutes. Taking a deep breath you push the door open trying to make no sound and unfortunately, you are met with an auditorium full of people, everyone looking at you as if it was against the law to be a little late to class.

What the Hell is wrong with students these days? Being late was usual when I was a freshman, you think to yourself as you step inside, closing the door behind you, getting ready to apologize to the professor.

“I’m so sorry, Professor Styles, I—Shit,” you end your sentence with a whisper as your eyes fall on the man standing on the podium. He hasn’t turned to you, his eyes are fixed on a paper in his hand, probably the syllabus because he must have been in the middle of introducing the class, but the sudden whispering that starts upon your apology that turned into shit, he finally looks up and his eyes fall on your frozen figure.

Professor Styles is none other than Harry. As in The Harry you met at the pub a week ago, had the best sex with and left without leaving your number to him in the morning. Now he is staring back at you with the same amount of panic and surprise as you.

“What—I uhh…” He clears his throat, looking around and seeing about a hundred pairs of curious eyes who are witnessing the awkward run-in. “Take a seat,” he then firmly says, clenching his jaw as you nod.

With your heart beating in your throat you keep your eyes down on your feet as you rush over to a free seat somewhere at the front, since the back is already kinda full.

“So, uhh—As I was saying this is an introduction so we’ll talk about a lot of different topics, I want you to have a view of the most important aspects before moving onto separate fields.”

You don’t dare to look up as Harry talks about the class, the syllabus, how the semester will be built up and what you’ll have to do to pass. Scribbling your wobbly notes, you nervously bounce your legs under the desk, flashbacks from your time with him popping into your mind through the whole lecture.

This feels like something straight out of a ridiculous movie. How is it possible, that the one time you finally decide to have a one night stand with a hot guy, he turns out to be your professor?! That’s just your luck, it seems.

Harry doesn’t drag the lecture long, dismisses everyone after an hour once every question has been answered. You plan to escape right away, but it turns out Harry doesn’t want to just sweep it under the rug.

“Can I have a word with you?” he asks stepping to your desk as you are furiously shoving your stuff into your bag.

“Uh, sure,” you nod, not like you have a choice. You’d love to run, but he is your professor, it would sit well if you ditched him on the first day of school.

You slow your packing down so you finish right when the last student has left the room. Grabbing your bag you turn to face Harry who now seems furious, vivid if you might say. He strides over to the door and shuts it before facing you.

“You said you’re working!” is the first thing he throws at you, making you raise your eyebrows.

“Because I am! I’m finishing my masters so I can get a promotion!” you defend yourself.

“Wait, so how old are you?” he asks with a puzzled look.

“I’m twenty-four, what did you think?” You feel offended, did he think you were younger or older? Neither would sit well anyway, so there’s no good answer.

“I-I don’t know, but when you walked right into my class I surely thought you were twenty or something,” he explains exhaling sharply. “Okay, so twenty-four. But still, you could have told me you are a student here.”

“Excuse you? Why would have I told you, we met that night, of course I didn’t share my whole fucking life with you! Besides, you didn’t say a thing about being a college professor either,” you spat at him and it seems like he realizes your argument is quite valid. He can’t blame it all on you.

“Okay, you’re right. Sorry.”

There’s a short silence as the anger dies down and the awkwardness and shock returns. It’s such an impossible situation, you never thought you’d have to deal with anything similar. Having an affair with your professor? This shit is straight out of some teenage drama.

“I can… drop the lecture, if you want. Only took it as extra credit, because I was interested in it,” you offer the first rational option that comes to your mind.

“No, I mean… you don’t have to. Messing around with credits at this time sucks, you wouldn’t be able to find something else.”

“Okay, so then what?”

“I guess we’ll just pretend like nothing happened,” he shrugs before his eyes meet yours. “Like you did in the morning when you left without leaving your number.”

His comment spikes, you can tell he was hurt that you didn’t stay, though now is probably not the best time to bring it up.

“Well, sorry. I didn’t think of it as more,” you dryly say.

“That’s not how you came off, however. Having laughs with me and my friends like we’ve known each other for years and then…” he doesn’t finish, but you have an idea what he wanted to say. And then you had insanely good sex and fell asleep cuddling. It feels illegal to even think about it in this building.

“Look, I’m really sorry I left like that, but look at it this way: if we would have taken it further, it would be way worse now, wouldn’t it?”

“Maybe we would have talked more later and found out about this and wouldn’t have had to face each other under these circumstances.”

He has a point, but it doesn’t matter now. The past is the past and you have to figure out how to treat this odd situation.

“You think you can forget about it and we can be professional? I really don’t want this to affect my studies,” you truthfully ask. Harry stares at you for a long moment before nodding.

“I think we can make it work. We are both adults, let’s put it behind us.” You nod, satisfied with his answer. “So what’s your major and why do you need it for your job?”

“It’s communication. I’m set to take over our international partnership groups, but the board is set on having someone with a higher degree. I told my boss I started it back then but never finished when I started working. He said I would instantly get the position if I finished my masters, so… here I am.”

Harry nods, chewing on your answer. Suddenly, as you look at him, guilt washes over you. He is such a genuine and lovely man, yet you left so abruptly, never even giving him a chance. Not that it would have made this situation any different, but it seems like you hurt him.

“Harry, I really am sorry for leaving. I had a great time with you, but I don’t think dating just fits into my life right now. I felt like you’d want more and I didn’t want to deal with all the explaining and apologizing.”

“I get it. It just would have been nicer to talk it out. Not that it makes a change now,” he adds with a soft smile.

“So we’re good?” you ask hopefully.

“Yeah. Professional and all,” he smiles nodding and you feel like a rock has been lifted off your shoulders.

“Great. Well, I guess I’ll see you later, professor,” you add a little cheekily and you see the fire in his eyes instantly, but he holds his tongue, not commenting on how sexual it sounds from your mouth. You couldn’t miss out on the teasing.

“Dismissed,” he nods turning away from you as he walks back to his desk. You walk out with the longest sigh that’s ever left your lips.

“Professor Styles! You’ve gotta be kidding me!” Piper screams at you over Facetime later that week when the two of you have your usual little chat. You’re making dinner while she lies on her couch, staring at you from the screen with the widest eyes. You just told him the whole thing with Harry and she almost choked. “The man is a professor? This shit is wild!” “Not just a professor, he is my fucking teacher, Piper!” you chuckle awkwardly. You still haven’t fully wrapped your mind around the fact that you hooked up with your professor.

“How old is the dude to be teaching at a university?”

“Well, he said he is twenty-nine. I might have done a little search and since he is british, schooling was a little different for him. Apparently, he finished high school early as a fucking genius that he is, then uni, masters and everything. He started teaching at my school two years ago. The guy is like a big name in the field of social sciences.”

“Damn, he is a gem. So what’s gonna happen now? Y’all gonna fuck on his desk after class?”

“Piper!” you snap at her.

“What? I hope you’re not thinking about passing on him.”

“I passed on him way before I knew he was my professor. We can’t have anything going on because one, he is my professor and two, because I’m not looking for anyone to date.”

“You are so full of bullshit, Y/N,” she snorts. “So what if he is your professor? Just for this semester. Keep it a secret and then it’s done. You’re not some eighteen year-old freshman, he is just five years older than you.”

“You can’t be serious,” you shake your head. “I’m not going to have an affair with my teacher.”

“Not an affair, a relationship! You gotta hold onto good dick if you find one. This is what I did with Ronan,” she smirks satisfied.

“Yeah, it’s not happening.”

“Why not?”

“Piper, have you been listening to what I was saying?” you ask in disbelief. “Yeah, five years is not much, but I’m pretty sure there’s a rule against teachers dating students.”

“Rules are for losers. You literally found the perfect guy and you’ll just throw him away? Said it yourself after your hookup that you liked the guy. Why are you being so difficult?”

“Sorry for not wanting to get myself or Harry out of the university,” you scoff turning the stove off under the sauce before you burn it all.

“Harry? So you’re just calling him Harry?” Piper wiggles her eyebrows at you, leaning closer to the camera and you just groan at her. How was this the only thing that stuck to her?

“I can’t fucking believe you,” you mumble under your breath.

“Okay, yeah, I get you. I truly do. But I’m also your friend who wants to see you happy. So I’m just saying that if he makes a move… be open. He is your professor for only one semester, so once it’s over you are free to do whatever. Fuck, date, anything.”

Soon enough you fall into a pattern with your everydays. Mondays, Tuesdays and Friday mornings are for school. Wednesdays and Thursdays are spent on campus at your lectures and you usually go into the office on Friday afternoons to make sure everything works fine before you go off for the weekend. Having so many credits accepted from before, you have less classes meaning that you have less work to do with school as well. There are a few papers and assignments, but nothing too crazy. You genuinely enjoy your classes, each of them unique in a different way but if you’re being honest, Harry’s class is your favorite. He has done a great job at building up the lectures. Introduction classes tend to be shallow and boring, but not Harry’s. He has chosen interesting but still important topics and he makes sure the students are always involved and he isn’t just reading up his slides dully. There are a lot of discussions, everyone gets to tell their opinion and Harry genuinely seems interested in anything his students have to say.

You also came to realize his class is full of girls, only a handful of men dared to sign up. You didn’t pay attention the first time for obvious reasons, but as you looked around the next week you saw heart eyes and lustful gazes towards the man standing on the podium talking. You’re not sure if Harry doesn’t notice it or just chooses to ignore it, but he is doing a good job at staying professional. In the aspect of your situation as well.

For a bit you were afraid he would have hard feelings towards you or treat you differently, but it’s not the case. You are just another pair of curious eyes and ears at his lectures, only that sometimes you catch yourself daydreaming about that one night. When that happens you can always feel yourself blushing and an irrational fear that Harry can hear your thoughts invades your mind, though it’s stupid. But you always try to stay low just in case.

It’s early October when an unexpected project lands in your hands at work, setting you back in your schedule. You work through the weekend just to get it right but that means that you couldn’t start working on your paper for Harry’s class that has to be turned in by the end of the week. So next Monday morning when class is over you walk up to him to ask for some more time.

“Hey, can I have a word with you?” you ask and as he glances up at you he seems surprised you initiated a private conversation.

“Sure, what’s the matter?”

“I just wanted to ask if I could have just a little more time to turn my paper in. I know it’s due Friday, but I’m a little behind and it would be amazing if I could work on it on the weekend. I’m sure I’d be done by next Monday.”

You’re afraid he might think you want to use your history and take advantage of it, but it seems like Harry looks more concerned than upset about your request.

“Yeah, sure. Everything alright though?”

Your eyes wander around the room, only a few more people are left inside and they are heading out as well. For some reason, you are a little paranoid that someone might figure out what happened between you and Harry though it’s nearly impossible.

“I’m good, I just got some extra work last week and it totally threw me off.”

“Oh, what kind of project?”

“I just have to put together a communication plan for three of our partners and it’s taking way more time than I expected,” you admit with a chuckle.

“I think I have an amazing book about international communication plans. I could lend it to you, if you’d like. It has amazing tips on sustainability.”

“That would be… amazing,” you say, surprised by his nice offer.

“Are you on campus tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I have a lecture. I can come by your office.”

“Fantastic,” he smiles warmly. “And don’t worry about the paper. You’re not the first one to ask for more time. If you hand it in on Monday it’s gonna be perfectly fine,” he assures you.

“Thank you Harry. I-I mean Professor Styles,” you correct yourself, feeling awkward that you called him by his first name, but he just chuckles.

“You can call me Harry outside class.” “Okay,” you smile nodding. “Then, see you tomorrow,” you say as you leave the room.

You spend the rest of the day working unfortunately, still a lot to do with your project. It’s hard to harmonize three different companies from three nations, working in different time zones. The next day you decide to skip your lecture in the noon. The professor is not too strict on attendance so you’re just gonna find a nice coffee place, set up a temporary office and work some more so you can finish everything on time.

You find Harry’s office easily. The door is open and you spot him sitting behind his desk right away, searching for something in a stack of papers. His office resembles a lot to his home, it has a cozy vibe but looks still very much academic with all the books lining on the shelves on the two sides of his desk. You knock on the doorframe as you arrive and his green eyes shoot up to your figure.

“Hey! Come on in!” he smiles at you. “Just a moment please,” he asks, still vigorously flipping the pages until he finally stops. “Here it is, I’ve been looking for it for ages,” he mumbles to himself and you smile. He looks a lot like the version of him you met at the bar. A fun, nice guy, clearly a little lost in his own world, but it amuses you rather then annoys. You wonder what could be happening in that brilliant mind of his.

He pushes himself away from the table and walks over to his bag that lies on the small sofa in the corner. Digging into it he pulls out a thick book that he hands over to you.

“Wow, lengthy,” you chuckle as you flip through the pages quickly.

“Yeah, looks a little dry but I promise it’s good. I put a note to the chapters that are the most relevant to you,” he explains and just then you spot a yellow post-it on one of the pages, a few more following behind.

“Oh, thank you. That’s really nice of you.” You smile up at him warmly, holding the book to your chest. “I’ll bring it back as soon as I’m done.”

“Take your time,” he nods. “And how is it going so far?”

“Uh, it’s… going,” you say with a tired chuckle. “It’s a little tricky, but I’m sure I’ll solve it. I’m gonna work some more on it now, so hopefully I’ll be done within the next few days.”

“You’re not going to class?”

“No, I allowed myself a skip this week so I’m gonna find a café or something.”

“You could… stay here, if you’d like. I could even help if you let me have a look at it. I mean I’m not an expert in communication but I’m good with multicultural stuff.” His offer catches you by surprise and for a moment you want to say no, but then you realize he might actually be helpful. Another set of eyes is always beneficial.

“You don’t have a class?”

“Not until four, no.”

“And you sure I can stay? I don’t want to bother you.”

“You’re not. Please, I would love to take a look at what you’ve put together.”

You hesitate for another moment, but then let your bag slip off your shoulder as you walk over to the armchair in front of his desk.

You pull your laptop out of your bag and set it on the table so both of you can see from the two sides of the desk. You open up what you have so far, explaining it in details and Harry listens intently, nodding and humming along so you know he is following. At the end you tell him your concerns, the ones you’ve been trying to rule out these past few days so you can finish it all up.

“This looks amazing, Y/N. I’m very impressed by the way you synchronized it all.” “Thank you, but it’s not perfect, so I have a lot to work on. Any thoughts though?”

Harry asks you a few questions before he gives his two cents, telling you what he would do and change. His point of view actually helps a lot, allows you to see the whole thing from a different angle and he gives you some awesome tips. Before you could realize, the two of you are deep in the project, all kinds of books splattered across his desks as you work together to finish the thing. Two hours pass by as it was just two minutes, but at the end, you have it all figured out.

“Oh my God. I can’t believe it’s done!” you breathe out, scrolling through the document you put together for your boss. Everything is put together, well-thought and in place, thanks to Harry’s help. “Harry, thank you. You literally saved my life,” you chuckle softly, leaning back in the armchair you haven’t left in hours.

“You had a strong base, I just helped you find a few solutions, but it was all you.”

“Don’t belittle it, you literally had so many ideas even in fields you are not familiar with. You really are a genius.”

“I’m just good at using my sources,” he smiles at you, glancing down at all the books he has pulled out during the process. “It was fun working on something so practical, I’m way too used to literal things.”

“Oh stop, you want me to feel bad because you are this ridiculously smart college professor who doesn’t get to work on practical projects?” you tease him earning a boyish smile.

“Maybe I do want that.”

“Well, you’re not getting it,” you laugh and he joins you. Once the mood settles you realize how good it felt to be around him. The dynamic the two of you had was so great, working with him felt like a fun activity. And now that you’re done, you really don’t want to leave this office though you know you have to.

“You know, I might come to you with work stuff all the time. You just spared so much time for me, I really thought I wouldn’t finish before Friday.”

“My door is always open,” he smirks shrugging. “I’m glad we got to work together. You really are great at what you are doing. Your boss is lucky to have you around. I’m sure you’ll be an amazing group leader once you get your degree.”

“Thank you.”

His compliment actually means a lot. Aside from this weird situation, Harry is a brilliant mind in his field. Hearing him tell you that he thinks you are doing an amazing work is such a boost to your ego.

“Well, I owe you one for this,” you tell him as you start packing up.

“Yeah? I’ll keep that in mind for sure,” he smirks, watching you put your things away.

“Mhm, see you around, Harry,” you smile, waving in his way before walking out.

“See you, Y/N.”

Thanks to Harry you get to turn in your project in time and write his paper until the original due date as well. You send it in email and for your biggest surprise he answers later that day.

“Glad you could finish in time, can’t wait to read your thoughts on the topic! –H”

It’s a simple message, but what catches your eyes is the signature at the end. It reads his full name, Prof. Harry Edward Styles, the school’s name, his official office hours and at the very end… his phone number.

Looking at it you think it seems a little out of place, as if it doesn’t belong there originally, he just added it to your email, but you can’t tell. Is this a hint? Does he want you to call or text him? What if he puts it into every email, not just yours? Would it be awkward to text? Why do you even want to text him in the first place? You agreed to stay away from him!

It keeps eating you the whole evening, staying on your mind, doesn’t matter what you do. After you’ve drunk a glass of wine with your dinner you finally make up your mind, convincing yourself it’s strictly friendly as you type in the words.

Y/N: Turned my project in, my boss already emailed me he likes it so far. Thanks for the help again. –Y/N

His reply comes fast and luckily, he doesn’t question why you decided to text him.

Harry: Glad I could help! Ran over your paper, looks great too. You’re doing an amazing job, Y/N.

There’s no stopping after that. The two of you keep talking through texts and though it’s all casual and friendly, you don’t feel bad about it, because in class, you still keep it professional and you have no advantage. He treats you just like any other student, keeping your friendship away from whatever happens in the classroom.

The line slowly starts to blur, however. You think way more about Harry than you should and you actually find yourself regretting that you’re not able to get as close to him as you want. He fascinates and attracts you in ways no one ever could before and something is telling you he shares these feelings, but you are both keeping it at bay, afraid what would happen if you let your desires take the lead. You just wish you could go out with him, have drinks with him and his friends like the night you met him, forget about how he would always stand on the podium on Monday morning no matter what happens and he’ll be grading your papers. Mixing feelings with this impossible situation might turn it into a disaster and you know you have to stay strong, but it’s getting harder.

Harry is the kind of teacher who likes to finish his class before everyone else, so when December rolls around everyone already has their grades from the papers that had to be turned in through the semester, so when December rolls around it’s all just free talks, he starts interesting discussions about topics students want to talk about. His lectures feel like free time but still, no one skips them because they are always so entertaining and interesting.

“Alright, we’ll meet for the last time next week. As per suggested, we’ll talk about the European Union so get your questions and thoughts ready,” he smiles around, ending the lecture. “Y/N? Can we talk for a second?”

“Sure,” you smile at him. Putting your things away you walk up to his desk much more carelessly than before.

“So I have a question and you can totally tell me if you don’t want to go, but there’s this great International Affairs Summit next weekend just a few towns over, not more than a two hours ride. I thought that you might be interested in going? They’ll have some awesome presentations and displays, thought it might interest you.”

For the first time since you’ve met him, he seems nervous, stumbling over his words a little as he avoids looking into your eyes. He looks so much younger, not at all like the respected professor that he is. He is just Harry now, the guy you bonded over that stout he paid for.

“Sounds nice,” you answer smiling at him, he seems surprised at your answer. “I would love to go.”

“Really?” You chuckle at his disbelief.

“Really.”

“Just to be clear it’s not a school thing, it’s gonna be the two of us,” he clears and your grin widens.

“It’s clear. Still want to go.”

“Amazing,” he breathes out, a smile finally tugging on his lips. “I can pick you up in the morning.”

“Sure. Can we discuss the details in text? I have a meeting soon.”

“Oh, yeah. Of course. We’ll talk later,” he nods enthusiastically, seemingly very joyful that you agreed to go on this trip with him.

“See you later, Harry!” you wave at him walking out of the classroom.

“Later!”

Piper would be very satisfied to know that you are going away with Harry this weekend. Though you still try to tell yourself it’s nothing more than just a friendly thing, you’re not fooling yourself. You want it to be more and now that the semester is over, your doubts and fears are almost fully forgotten and left at the beginning of September. Soon Harry won’t be your professor and you now see that it wouldn’t be that bad if something more happened between the two of you. You grew close through the year even though you only kept in touch through phone, appearing publicly wasn’t really an option, but still, you got to know him better and you liked him. A lot. There was no use in denying that.

Harry picks you up early in the morning and so the little trip begins. You take control over the music and play some of your favorites to him while he drives, educating him on recent popular music. Then he shows you some of his favorites, playing a lot of Fleetwood Mac and you weren’t expecting anything else from him.

He looks great today in a creamy colored knitted sweater, black wool coat and grey checkered slacks. His hair is now longer than when you met him for the first time, but it just adds to his amazing look, he rocks it pretty well.

The two hours pass by fast and you arrive to the Summit. Checking out the program the two of you choose the presentations you’re most interested in, leaving some time in the middle of the day to have lunch somewhere near.

You choose a sandwich bar that has a nice winter garden at the back looking out to a little pond. You sit at a small table, the conversation hasn’t stopped since the morning, only paused when the presentations were happening, but you always picked up right where you were before. Harry tells you about his time at university back in the UK and you’re a little surprised to hear that he was kind of a wild kid for a while.

“You? Wild?” you laugh. “I can’t picture it.

“It was mostly the first year though. Felt like I can’t miss out on anything so I was at every party and gathering,” he chuckles softly.

“And why did you stop?” “I don’t know,” he shrugs, but you know he is not telling you the truth, so you gently kick his leg under the table. “Alright, but you can’t laugh!”

“I won’t, I promise!”

“It sounds very nerdy, but I fell in love with studying. I mean I was always a good student, that’s why I could finish high school earlier, but I did it to be done with it already. But then I grew an odd love to studying, to learning new things. I wanted to read every book there is, know everything in the world.”

“And do you know everything now?” you ask with a soft smile, completely in awe with how he talks about his passion for sciences. You don’t find it funny at all, more admirable.

“Not even a fraction of it,” he chuckles. “But I learn something new every day,” he shrugs.

“What did you learn today?”

“That Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus had… beef?” He is a little unsure about the last word that you taught him today in the car when you were listening to a song from Miley. It sounds so funny hearing from his mouth.

“Yeah, beef,” you nod chuckling. “Great knowledge you’ve learned today.”

“I learn a lot from you,” he smiles cheekily. “But really. I’m glad you could come today. Felt like I needed to take this step since you took the one before this.”

“Huh?” you ask, a little confused about what he is talking about. Then, as if he realizes he just said something he shouldn’t have, he chuckles nervously, keeping his eyes on his iced tea on the table.

“Well, I hope this won’t be too weird, but when you emailed me your paper back in October and I replied… I put my phone number into my signature and told myself that if you use it, I’ll take it as a hint that you… are open to more. And you did send me a text, took the risk so I thought I should be taking it next.”

You look at him in awe. So you were right, he did put his number in just for you and wanted you to use it. You’re amazed at how sneaky he was to find out how you’re feeling about him, but now you’re glad you took the risk and texted him.

“So you asked me to come today. I see where we are standing,” you nod smirking.

“You’re not mad? At the number thing?”

“Why would I?” you ask with a soft chuckle. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yes, but we agreed to keep it professional and all along I yearned for something more and threw you this hint. When I sent the email I wanted to take it back immediately, thinking that you’d see through me right away,” he admits.

“Well, I didn’t,” you tell him making him laugh. “I debated for a long time whether I should text you or not and then just… said fuck it!”

“I’m glad you did,” he smirks and his gaze holds yours for a little, you can feel the moment you’re sharing. This conversation has definitely opened a door for the two of you.

The rest of the day passes by peacefully. You love having Harry with you and discuss the presentations with him later. He has a great mind, you love sharing your thoughts with him, get deep whenever something really catches your attention. It’s so easy to talk to him and you actually feel like he values your thoughts, unlike some men you had to deal with in the past.

During the ride back home you keep thinking about whether you should take it any further or not. You surely don’t want him to be just a one night stand anymore, it’s still very fresh but you actually feel like you’ve started falling for him and you wonder where he is standing in the situation right now. Today has changed a lot so when he parks in front of your building, you decide to just risk it again, like you did it so many times with him.

“Would you want to come up for a little? I could show you that article I talked about today,” you say, trying to sound calm though you see the surprise in his eyes, he wasn’t expecting this invitation.

“I… would love to. You sure it’s not too late?”

“Positive,” you smirk at him unbuckling yourself.

He follows you up to your apartment. It’s definitely not as big as his home, but you take pride in it. It’s the perfect size for you and you’ve worked a lot on making it your home. Harry is looking around, inspecting the place as you walk into the small kitchen and grab two bottles of beer, offering one for him.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, following you to sit on the plush couch you adore so much. It feels like a cloud is swallowing you up. “This place suits you.”

“Thanks. You know, this is what I thought about yours too.”

“Yeah? I think mine is just a mess,” he chuckles, taking a sib from his beer.

“It’s a good mess. Liked it.”

There is some tension, but in a good way if you might say. As if you both were unsure about where it’s heading, walking on eggshells, not knowing where the boundaries are lying as of right now.

“You know, the semester is almost over,” you imply, giving him an innocent look.

“I’m very much aware of that, the pile of tests on my desk waiting to be graded reminds me every day of it,” he chuckles making you smile too.

“Mhm and it also means that very soon you won’t be my professor anymore.”

You scoot closer, your knees coming in contact with his thigh and he sucks on his breath, looking down at the spot where you two touch. You really hope he won’t turn you down, because you’ve already gotten your hopes up about making it work.

“Is that so?”

“Yes,” you nod confidently. He doesn’t move and you’re losing patience. So grabbing his beer from his hand you place his and yours as well to the small coffee table before shamelessly swinging a leg over him, sitting on his lap. Your hands rest on his broad shoulders and his hands immediately find their way to your waist, his thumb caressing the skin that shows from under your ridden up shirt. However you see hesitation in his eyes.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s going on in your head, talk to me,” you ask him softly, tilting your head to the side.

“I just… I know soon it’s gonna be alright for us to… you know. But I… I hope you know it’s not a game for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“That I’m all in, Y/N. I know it’s been a crazy few months, but I really like you. A lot. I love talking to you, I love it when you are talking so passionately about things that interest you. I love how open and hardworking you are. I think that you’re an amazing person and I don’t want this to just be some passing, quick thing. I’m serious about this. About you.”

You can’t hold your growing smile back as your hands move up to cup his cheeks. Leaning closer you peck his lips softly.

“Great. Because I’m serious too.”

Harry breathes out in relief and a second later he is kissing you hungrily, letting his desire take over after holding back for so long. You weren’t the only one having a hard time during lectures. He hated how he always found himself looking in your way, thinking about how beautiful you are, how amazing it felt to hold you in his arms and it ached his heart that he had to keep himself so far away from you. When you took the risk and texted him, he could cry in excitement and he knew right in that moment that he is fucked for you.

Though it started a little rocky, now that he has you in his arms again, he wouldn’t change a thing, because it brought him to this very moment and he is overwhelmed with joy. He is more than ready to show you how serious he is about you, not just with his words but his actions, so he is quick to leave the couch and navigate into your bedroom to relive that mind-blowing night the two of you shared back in late August.

“Congrats, Miss Y/L/N. We are looking forward to seeing you work your magic as the leader of the group.” The executive manager shakes your hand and you see your boss from the corner of your eye, looking at you proudly.

“Thank you. I won’t disappoint,” you smile back.

You say your goodbye to everyone else in the room before finally heading out with the widest smile on your face. You did it. You finally got the promotion.

You finished your masters just a month ago and this meeting was scheduled almost immediately. For a while you were afraid they wouldn’t wait until you finish your studies, but they proved that they wanted no one else but you, making you feel so valued.

Walking back to your office you do the rest of your work left for the day, finishing up every pending task so you can be free for the weekend. When five o’clock finally comes you pack up and head out. Pushing through the double doors you step out into the warm July afternoon, immediately spotting a mop of curls you know all too well. Harry is waiting for you leant against his car with a huge bouquet of flowers, smiling at you with pride as he watches you cross the parking lot.

“What’s this for?” you ask teasingly when he pushes himself away from the car and kisses you softly before saying anything.

“A little something to celebrate your promotion.”

“How do you know I got it?” you ask, trying your best to sound serious. He narrows his eyes at you in suspicion.

“I knew you’d get it, who else would get it? Did they not fucking give it to you?” he asks, working himself up at the thought that you weren’t the one to get promoted.

“Relax, I got it,” you chuckle, wrapping your arms around his neck to kiss him a little longer this time.

“I was ready to fight whoever I needed to,” he mumbles against your lips, a smirk tugging on the corners of his mouth.

“What a gentleman,” you giggle pecking his lips again.

“That I am. And not just because I would throw a fist for my love, but because I knew you’d get it so I went ahead and booked us a mini vacation for this weekend. So let’s head home, you have thirty minutes to pack before we leave,” he smirks down at you, clearly satisfied with himself.

Harry is always full of surprises. In the one and half year you’ve been officially together, he never failed to surprise you with the tiniest things, make you feel loved and appreciated no matter how long you’ve been dating.

“Where are we going?” you ask in excitement, eyebrows shooting up on your forehead.

“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”

Harry listened to every hint you’ve dropped how you’d love to spend some time away in some cabin in the woods, disconnecting from the world just for a little and he found the perfect place for that a few hours away. He knew you’d be the one to get promoted so he took the risk to book it weeks ahead, making sure you’ll have the perfect place for the celebration. You have a slight guess it’s gonna be like that because Harry is great at taking hints, but what you doesn’t know is that deep down his already packed suitcase, there’s a little velvety box with a ring inside it that he plans to put on your finger this weekend, hoping you’ll give him the answer he wants to hear.

And you will. Because you are head over heels in love with this man, have been for a while and you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

The two of you head home and your hand finds his over the shifting gear, lacing your fingers together with his. Glancing at you he kisses your knuckles, pressing a long kiss to your empty ring finger.

“I love you,” he tells you and the three little words never fail to make your heart flutter. While the lamp is still red you quickly lean over and steal a kiss from his soft, pink lips.

“I love you too, professor,” you tell him teasingly. He didn’t like it when you called him that back when he was still just your professor, but since the air has been clear, he grew a liking to it, especially because he can’t get enough of hearing you moan it in the bedroom.

You call him a lot of other pet names too. Baby, H, Har, Sweets, whatever comes to your mind while he likes calling you his baby, Angel, Princess or Love. And as the two of you head home he thinks about how he wants two new names to be added to the list. Husband and wife.

Thank you for reading! Please like and/or reblog if you enjoyed!

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