#god im still in shock i cant even process it properly

[bluerasbunny]

hes a material girl YN wouldn't understand

putting this under a read more to spare from my yelling, but holy SHIT! VKTRS is at 500 hits and 71 kudos, dude that is INSANE! especially for a fic with ONE chapter!!

the success was entirely unprecedented and unexpected, i'm honestly still trying to process it all!!

thank you all so much for the continued support!!! it means so much to me as a young author and artist!! <3 /gen

[vibinglikethat]

my thoughts and feelings about jedi survivor (spoilers ahead)

ok so i've finished the storyline of jedi survivor and i thought i would express my many feelings about this amazing game (in case i wasn't obvious lol, i LOVED it.)

so the game takes place 5 years after jedi fallen order, and of course lots of things have happened between JFO and JS, one of which is the crew went their separate ways and it becomes clear that cal wasnt happy with that. eventually they all reunite and everything is nice and there is hope and then you remember this is star wars and it's set during the empire and so that hope turns to dust real quick and it's AGONIZING.

GOD i can't stop thinking about bode and his betrayal i dont remember the last time i was so fucking shocked over a character's betrayal, i was never shocked with anakin because uhhh yeah he was always meant to be darth vader lol, but with bode??? i did NOT see it coming. it especially sucks because i really liked him. and the fact that he used to be a JEDI???? THAT FUCKING SHOOK ME TO THE CORE. i feel so bad for his daughter OH my god :( she lost her parents at such a young age i want to cry (I LOVE that merrin especially tries to help and comfort her because she can relate im going to sob)

cere junda.....oh man. oh god. my love for cere is endless and im still processing her death (YES I KNOW SHES A FICTIONAL CHARACTER I CANT HELP HOW I FEEL LOL) i actually already kinda knew she was going to die because i saw gifs but i feel like i would have been even MORE upset if i didnt know because OH my god.........the darth vader and cere fight scene was SO cool though like tragedy aside i loved being able to do that omg you cant really properly fight darth in JFO and i loved that you could this time while playing as cere

god cal crying while holding her body wrecked me.....i wont be forgetting that anytime soon, if ever.

CAL AND MERRIN ARE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH im gonna admit and say i never called myself a cal/merrin shipper but i HAVE loved their dynamic and i love romance so im definitely shipping them now lol (MERRIN BEING THE FIRST TO INSTIGATE THEIR KISS.....WE LOVE TO SEE IT)

greez........i love greez :) i DO want to know what happened to his arm because OH my god wtf anyway i love that he has a saloon, good for him. this game made me love him even more. he just loves his found family :((( AND OH MY GOD HE WAS SO HEARTBROKEN AFTER CERE I WANT TO THROW UP

this is getting absurdly song omg sorry lol im sure im forgetting some things but these are the most significant moments that happened and i wont be forgetting anytime soon lol

also btw i straight up cried during the funeral scene which is the last scene that plays before the credits. the force theme played which probably contributed to my tears lol

anyway the ending was perfect, this game is perfect, the emotional devastation is perfect, the gameplay is perfect, i cannot recommend this game ENOUGH. if you like star wars and souls-like games. if you've read this far please feel free to reblog and say "so true op" in the tags lol

[clone-bar-79s]

selam!

I was just thinking about Aria and wondering - how does she process grief? Does she learn of Mace's death, or is she under the impression he died during O66? And while I know Aria survives O66, does her padawan survive too?

have a wonderful day/evening! (also in the future do you want me to send asks on this blog or your sideblog?) İyi geceler my friend

oh my god youre so cute for asking. and im not even updating anything about Aria because i am legit unable to find the time (or the motivation) but THANK YOU again for asking. (Tesekurler :D )

She only begins to deal with intense grief once the war started because a lot of it was personal. Not like the grief she had experienced before, which was mostly as a spectator, when she went with Mace on missions to other parts of the galaxy. People she knew all her life were dying around her at an enormously quick pace and then the added responsibility of clones and their deaths was so hard to comprehend as well. So... its just a lot of silent moments for her. She cant talk because her minds incapable of dealing with anything except whatever emotion she is going through, whether its shock, sadness, depression or whatever else. She also sleeps a lot when she's sad. Its easy to pull herself away from her thoughts for a while but unfortunately they're just waiting for her when she's awake. and then... a while later when things have piled up, she has a massive breakdown. Also, she talks to like one or two people about how she feels so well... idk how healthy this sounds.

And well, she knows something is wrong with Mace and the moment, when palps kills him, plays out almost exactly the way Ahsoka's does (and almost exactly the same time that hers does too). And before she can learn more, she finds herself with the Empire. But she learns about what happened to Mace though. Through the Ninth Sister. Idk if you've read much about her, but she's in the Darth Vader comics and i loved her. she isnt weirdly and characteristically evil (I have no idea how shes portrayed in Jedi Fallen Order). So she answers Aria's questions whenever she's... conscious. She tells her how Mace died. She also tells her that Rex and Ayla are dead. And she tells her they dont have updates on Kiera. Who's alive btw. And who actually rescues Aria months later.

She learns stuff but she doesn't get to process any of the information properly until after her rescue. From there on she's basically just a shell of her original self because she's learnt about EVERYONE's death in a matter of minutes when she's reunited with her padawan because she did not trust the ninth sister (she was convincing herself everything she said was a lie) but yeah... its the same.

And you can send me asks anywhere man. The fact that you're sending them and still thinking about Aria is so super cute, im crying.

[hold-our-destiny]

if you can't breathe- chapter 7

its finally here!!! a bit longer than the other chapters! I worked really hard on this one! comments are always appreciated!

read it here on ao3

-------------

Peter was fading in and out. At times he could feel the ghost of pain across his skin, that's when he wished to fade out, and when he did, he wished to be present again. it's been so long he's become slightly numb- at least that's what he thinks, he knows that he damaged his wrist at some point, but he can feel the pain there now, it was slightly relieved. His thoughts are mostly blurry now, if they're even there at all. He hasn't moved in, what was it? 5 days? There’s no way to tell, no light, no windows. Peter knows it's been a while. His lips are dry, lungs wheezing slightly, when he can feel pain it's almost always in his stomach.

Peter fades in again, his eyes focus slightly and he recognises the faint outline of the cell door. God how much he wished someone would walk through there at this moment. Anyone.

His brain flicks back to the last memory he had before his master left him there. He was bending down in front of him, saying- something. Peter tried to concentrate.

“I know what it's like. To wait. I waited for weeks for my friends, they ever came. And neither will yours”

The way he said it was almost soft, as if he hadn't just spent weeks terrifying the boy.

Peter blinks as he remembers, he knows it's not true, it can't be, but at this point he’s starting to doubt himself. What has it been? Three and a half months last time he heard, probably longer now, Tony wasn't looking for him, he couldn't be, the video would've been enough to assure him peter was dead.

-------------------

“I haven't seen him out if his room in a week, steve”

“I know, im trying to get him to at least have a shower but he hasn't left his bed”

“He can't keep going on like this, it's been weeks”

Tony could hear the conversation from his bedroom, his position in the bed had not moved in days. He couldn't bear it. His mind was permanently rushing with thoughts of ‘what if we found him in time, what if we found him the first day? What if they never got to him? He would still be here, living, breathing, he isn't, all because of you’

Rationally, Tony knows he shouldn't be thinking like this, that they did all that they could. But it just wasn't enough was it? They didn't get there in time, and Tony had to reassure his kid as he slowly gaped for air that would never come. Tony squeezed his eyes shut and after a full day of the thoughts circling his head, he drifted off.

Outside though, steve and nat were still talking, trying to figure out how to help the grieving father, knowing that they’ve already tried everything.

“The only thing we can do now is wait and be there for him, hope that he sorts everything out soon,” Steve said solemnly, bowing his head and walking to the kitchen, him and nat both wished they could do something, anything to help.

Steve essentially dragged tony to the kitchen the next day to get him to eat something. He didn't take no for an answer. Tony was sat on one of the kitchen bar stools, hair mussed up and clothes crooked in every way. Around the kitchen were also nat and sam, making their own breakfasts and making casual conversation (Tony couldn't see how they could talk as if they didn't watch a child die a few weeks ago).

“You know Tony, you can't keep beating yourself up about this,” Tony blinked and noticed now steve was leaning over the counter towards him and speaking in hushed tones.

“I-” tony tried to intervene

“it's not your fault, you have to accept it, that kid’s gone, we all know” steve had a sad look on his face, tony was absolutely raging. ‘that kid’?

“Peter.” he essentially spat. Steve looked surprised that he actually spoke, let alone the fact that he was angry.

“I- what?” the captain spluttered

“His name. Was peter.”

“Oh”

“And don't you dare say that it wasn't my fault, it was all of our faults, we couldn't find him in time.”

“Tony-”

“No, steve” he hissed out his name, “don't say it, it's our fault, and yes, I am aware that he is- that he isn't here anymore- im very aware of the fact, so you can keep your damn mouth shut”

Nat decided to speak up now.

“Tony , we know you’re grieving” tony growled, yet she continued “your kid- peter. He's gone, there’s nothing we can do about it now but its been months, you’ve got to move on-”

“I cant!” tonys hands found themselves yanking at his hair, making it more messed up than it already was, “don't you think ive tried? Hes always here, i cant go down to my lab without seeing his things, hes room is opposite mine for fuck’s sake. And I can't even sleep! All i see when i close my eyes is his face, as he gasps, searching for reassurances as he fucking dies! And what did we do? We watched it happen! That's what we did!” Tony's face was now covered in tears streaming down his face, not intending to stop.

Tony took one more look at the three people in front of him, before turning on his heel and leaving, heading straight to his room, throwing himself on the bed and passing out.

--------------------

“Boss, you have one new message”

“ugh, ignore it fri”

“Sir-”

“I said. Ignore it.”

“Okay boss.”

Tony was sat in his room, staring mindlessly out the window for the last, hour now? He didn't keep count. With every second sat there, he wished one more time to just forget everything.

Two minutes later, friday spoke up again.

“Boss, you have been sent one video”

Tony groaned.

“Who’s it from fri?”

“You don't have them saved in your phone sir, the video contains two people, one identified as peter parker, the video is dated from a week ago I believe-”

Tony jumped up at once, not wasting a second before running into the hallway and heading straight into the lounge where the others were, they all looked surprised at his presence.

“He sent another one” he directed the statement to steve.

“What?”

“That- that- that guy sent another video,”

“Tony calm down, what guy? The guy that took peter?” Tony didn't bother wasting a breath, already hyperventilating at the realisation, peter, his kid could be alive, very much hurt but breathing. He was reeling. He still had doubts circling in his mind, it could be an old video with a different date, or it could be his body, oh god-

“Fri, play it on the screen”

The tv screen turned over to a black screen before flicking to a frozen picture of peter- god peter- tied to a chair, that bastard of a man stood behind him. Tony stood in shock, tears building in his eyes as he processed what was in front of him. The video started playing and the man started speaking, circling peter in the chair as he did so.

“Ah, hello again mr stark, so sorry we haven't been in much contact recently, today is- the thirteenth- so about a week before ill bother sending it to you.” Peter looked up slightly, eyes glazed over, gliding over everything, never locking onto anything, “such an unlucky number isn't it? Thirteen? I never found out why, something to do with the devil. Anyway,” he clapped, making peter flinch and tony curse under his breath, the others all stood in silence, stone faced and in shock, “so stark, this child right here is finally perfect, granted it took a bit of- conditioning, we got there in the end, didn't we pet?” the guy put a hand on Peter's shoulder and his eyes grew wide, finally processing everything.

He nodded, staring straight ahead, almost in a trance.

“Yes we did, though his vocal chords did get a bit damaged, this little one cant talk properly, partly because of the shocks and also because of- well you can guess. Anyway, im finished with him now, you can come get him,``Tony opened his mouth in disbelief, the man suddenly looking bored, peter’s face not changing, “yes, I know, you can really have him back, he’s useless to me anyway, no fun anymore. So here’s what's going to happen, ill send you this video along with the location in about- a week, and when you make it here, the child will probably be dead or dying from his injuries, who am I to say?” he chuckled.

“Oh and one more thing,” peter flinched, “before I leave, ill be sure to make my last mark on him, give you something to remember him by, you know?”

Peter looked straight into the camera for a moment in shock, before it cut out. Tony called the suit to him, the rest of the team already suiting up.

--------------

The base was almost empty, FRIDAY’s scan only picking up one heat signature. Tony decided to go alone, the rest of the team waiting on the jet if he needed backup. The team were all in their gear, except from bruce, who was on standby with medical.

“Tony, are you sure about this, we’ll all be fine going in with you?” steve grabbed his arm as he was about to fly to the base.

“I'm sure, steve, trust me on this, i'll call you if i need you.”

Without another word, Tony took off in the suit, helmet flipping down and friday marking out where the heat signature was.

Granted, it took a bit of searching, but eventually tony found the room, standing just outside the door he froze for a moment. What if peeta wasn't there? What if it was someone else?

No, it had to be peter. Without another word, Tony opened the door.

It was dark in the room, Tony's suit glowed in the darkness as it shone a light around the room. Tony’s eyes landed on a body in the corner, suit retracting as he stepped forward, He raised his hand to his mouth in shock as he got a closer look at the kid.

Peter didn't seem to be badly hurt, his right arm was bent at an odd angle, making tony grimace. His left ankle seemed slightly swollen, dried blood coated nearly all of the kids bottom half. He was deathly thin, he looked more like a skeleton then anything. Tony reached forward to rest his hand on the boy’s curls but gasped when his head fell limply forward.

Tony tapped the comm, activating it.

“I-i've got him, bringing him back to the jet now, get bruce ready,”

He then deactivated it before he could hear a response from steve. He stood up and scooped peter up in his arms,careful not to hurt him any further. He let his suit guide him out of the facility and back to the jet, he only looked up when he reached the others, laying peter down in the stretcher ready for Bruce to help him. He didn't take his eyes off his kid once.

You're okay now kid

tags:

@dreamingformuses

@baloobird

@keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars

@just-the-daydreamer

@verdonafrost

@tmifangirl21

(msg me if you wanna be tagged!!)

[hyungwon-remade]

my ateez hi touch experience !!!

so a lil intro gkdjg basically what happened is vip ppl stayed in the concert hall n then after some waiting they took us through this side door n into some hallway and i thought we were gonna go and stand in line and wait for our turn or smth but we literally walked through the door n turned around a corner n they were RIGHT there n i was like bouncing bc i was so excited n nervous and i went around the corner looking like an idiot n first thing i see is jongho like In My Face and i started freaking out it was so scary kgjsdgj also disclaimer the descriptions for each member arent equally long bc the staff rushed me on a few members + i was too shocked to do anything sometimes i promise im trying not 2 sound biased (except 4 the one abt san. tht one is probably biased but i cant help it im in love and i talk a lot when its abt him.) i love them all i swear gkjdsgd

jongho: like i said he was first and idk how 2 describe him he looks so much? bigger? irl like taller n more broad than id expected HDJDJ but really handsome n i noticed immediately his skin looks really soft and he has v round cheeks hes. cute. i was really dazed so i forgot what i wanted to say to him which was compliment his vocals n i only used one hand i did that for all of them bc im dumb n didnt think hdkddj when i held his hand he went hi thank you! so i just said thank you i love you bdkdjjdk :( i FAILED i was gonna be cool and call him a vocal god but i got all shy .. but its okay at least he knows i love him

yeosang: first of all he looked so soft and adorable all night n kept doing cute things during the performances and i love him so much gkdfokh anyways hes so beautiful up close LITERALLY an angel and he had the sweetest shy smile and i still couldnt think properly so i just held his hand n said i love you so much bcjdkkd i cant remember if he said anything back or not i might not have heard it if he did kgsdjg i actually wanted to tell him that i think hes really amazing and precious but i rly couldnt get any words out other than i love you ksdjgs and i didnt have any time w him at all im sad bc hes one of my favs but hes th one i remember the least from the hi touch i feel like i didnt get to look at him at all :(

mingi: hes SO large but not intimidating at all like i didnt realize he had been towering over me until i moved on to wooyoung who was so much smaller kgjdsg anyway mingis so so warm and smiley and at this point my brain finally started working a bit again and like i swear as soon as u see mingi n his huge smile u just wanna give him the world and tell him hes the best person in the universe like theres smth abt him that just makes u want to give him so much love as soon as u see him so i said “youre so amazing i love you !!!!!!” n he smiled so big at me and said thank u i love u! also his hand was huge n i held it w my tiny hand fhdjkdj

wooyoung: idk if its just bc he was standing right next to mingi but he looks kinda small irl HDJDJDK obviously still taller than me but he looked tinier than i expected. and so beautiful aaaa i really had no idea what to say to him n i was nervous but i said thank you i love you :( it went so fast the security rushed me on quickly so i didnt get a lot of time w him and i feel bad djdkdjdk

seonghwa: godddd LITERALLY the prettiest person ive EVER seen you cant even imagine how gorgeous he is irl and the second he saw me he smiled really bright and was like “my princess!!!!” bc i was wearing my tiara n like my brain shut down it rly caught me off guard BDJDBDJ this is like my clearest memory from the whole concert i can still hear his voice in my head how he said it n his smile ggjdksgjo i was rly flustered ANYWAYS.. i was like stunned but then i was like yes thats me!!! DFFHDF??? and while security were telling me to move on i quickly said “i love u ur my prince!!” n he like held onto my hand a lil longer n was looking back at me while i was saying it even tho i was being rushed away gsdgsdk

san: okskskhmdff the love of my life literally i.....i stared at him for a sec when it was his turn like what the fuck thats the love of my life right in front of me ????? like what am i supposed to DO... and not to be het but hes literally soooooooo beautiful hdkdhddj his facial features look a lot more defined? irl.. idk how 2 say but he looks softer in pics and hes just sooooo handsome jdoddjdkdn its crazy and he smiled rly cutely at me when i came up to him n he held my hand skgjd n like FINALLY my brain was working again so from here on i started actually speaking korean to them like i WANTED to gdgkds i managed to say like half of what id planned to say i literally went autopilot i said it like w/o stuttering and i dont even know how bfkdh and he went like :O and leaned super close to me to hear what i was saying UDHDJDJCCJXJ i said “thank u so much for making me happy!!!” and n his eyes were sparkling n so loving when he realized what i said and he put his hand on his heart and said thank you and bowed at me (nearly headbutting me in the process bc he was so close jgsdgks) n seemed rly happy n touched like genuinely and then i was being rushed on by the staff so i quickly yelled i love you!! n he was like i love you too! dkdofkh i love him so much n he loves me back wow...what a time.. i miss him gksdogkg his hand was so soft and warm 🥺🥺

yunho: didnt get much time w him either i think the staff had their eyes on me bc id lingered at both seonghwa AND san (accidentally i SWEAR i didnt realize i was getting more time w them bc the staff didnt notice i was still there kjgsdg) i wanted to sing happy birthday 2 him but i completely forgot everything n it was going so fast :( so i panicked and i yelled happy birthday i love you !!! rly awkward and he looked SO happy but he clowned my yelling at him n said thank you back in a similar tone as i did KGJSDG he is sosososo cute irl literally just a big teddy bear i wanted to hug him so bad and he has the most sparkly loving eyes i swear also i think he was really happy to spend his birthday with us and im so happy i got to tell him happy birthday in person i feel super lucky :(

hongjoong: okay so like most precious person in my life.. he was last which made me emo bc it felt like he was like the one saying goodbye to me fhdjdh so i was abt to cry and he rly looked at me like i was the most important person in the world gjsdogk like its true what everyone said abt that seriously he loves atinys so much uhghhgh ... n he held my hand as soon as i came up to him (lol the staff said no hand holding n hongjoong said fuck your rules bitch) and he looked rly surprised when i started speaking korean his whole face went :O kjsdkg i asked him if we can be best friends bc ive always been calling him my best friend n i need 2 make sure we r on the same page u know? and he nodded n was like yes!! yes!! n he held onto my hand a lil while i was walking away :( im officially hongjoongs best friend u guys he said it himself...

[lesberrian]

The Bloodborn Alchemist

chapter 1

Q waits outside the door as Roy and King Bradly talk. There weren’t any chairs so they had to sit on the ground. Not even a day out of the hospital and they have to wait on the ground to see what’s going to happen to them. Q didn’t tell anybody about the stone or what they could do because of it out of fear. They knew several people in the world wanted it for themselves. 

Moving their long, black hair off the ground and over their shoulder, they brush it with their fingers as it sits in their lap. Q can’t remember why, but they can’t get themselves to cut their hair for some reason. They would even fight at getting the bangs cuts and did it themselves, causing them to be slightly messy most of the time. As they brush out their hair and braid it, Q tries to hear what the two men are talking about.

Right after they had tied their ribbon around the braid, Mustang and King Bradley stepped out. King Bradley offered his hand to help them up.

“Thank you.” They said, staring dead at him. Looking over to Mustang, they wait for an explanation. 

“Seeing as you’re still young and with no where to go, I figured it would be the best choice to have you stay with someone until you can get back on your own feet." He l

looks back at King Bradley, "And… The conclusion is that you are staying with me."

Taking a moment to process it, Q stares at Mustang. 'I lost everyone I know and even the village is dead. I suppose I should be glad I have a place to stay.'

"Well?" The king asks with a smile on his face. "I'm hoping this is ok considering there's no one else you can stay with."

"I suppose it it's ok with Mr. Mustang." Q was tired, they just wanted to sleep. They knew what happened for them to be alive right now and up until they've been in a hospital every second for the past week.

"Then it's decided. Mustang, you will be the legal guardian of Q from now on." King Bradley patted them on their shoulder. "Well, I have other business to attend to so good night you two. Stay safe on the way back to Eastern."

Q watches silently as king Bradley walks down the hallway. Looking up at Musang, they ask jokingly, "So… does that make you my dad or something?"

"... Are you saying that's what you want to call me?"

"Are you saying you want me to call you that?"

"Alright, let's just go catch a train back to Eastern." He starts walking away. Q follows him and debates talking to him about the philosophers stone.

"When do you plan on becoming a state alchemist? Not many can transmute without a circle, even I have to use one." 

Q hesitates. "Im… curious if I can research something if I become one." 

"With a state alchemist title you can research just about anything with ease." He looks at them and sighs. "Don't tell me you're after the stone just like those brothers are."

"No, I'm not after it to speak. I have nothing to replace and frankly, bringing someone back even if I could, is selfish, I've learned first hand. I just want to know what would happen if someone had one as a heart."

Q watched his reaction carefully. As they stepped out of the government building, Roy glanced at them. "Are you referring to a homunculus by chance? You are aware those are myths, correct?"

"Those are created. Im… well, what if it was a human that was given a stone as their heart? I heard from someone when I was younger it happened before." Q sneezes because of the cold.

"Bless you," He says. "The person who told you that was lying, Q. Even though you're still a child you can't be that naive. Not if you want to be a state alchemist."

Q sighs, they were hoping that he would at least catch on slightly. "When we get to Eastern I want to explain what I'm trying to say. I can't do it with so many people here."

Roy thinks closely about what they said. 'Are they trying to say that they are one? That's impossible. I must be thinking too much into this.'

As they sit in the train on the way to Eastern, Roy tells them about the people on his team. For the most part, Q was only partially listening and was almost asleep. 

He only noticed when their head hit the window and were completely asleep.

"Get some sleep, god knows how long it's been since you've done so properly."

When they arrived at central, Roy woke them up and they left for his house. When they arrived to his house, Q sighed.

"So the thing I was talking about earlier," they sit on the couch. "What I was describing, was me."

Roy's eyes widened slightly. Q expected the shock and thought something to prove they dont want to kill him.

"I dont want to kill you, or anyone for that matter. All I know is that besides the alchemy the truth gave me-"

"The truth?"

"Oh, I suppose it makes sense you dont know about that. When I tried to bring Daniel back I saw this thing that called itself the truth. I cant explain it but it was horrifying."

"Okay, so this Truth thing turned you into this homunculus?" Roy propped his head on his hand.

"I think? I'm actually not to sure but from what I remember in my panic state is Mariah yelling about the stone and something about giving everything up. I don't remember anything else because of the pain I was in."

"Are you saying she gave up her life for you?"

"That's what I think happened. the part I dont like is that after that, the rest of the village was dead. I think the truth also took them…"

Roy sat in silence while Q thought about what else to say. They put their face in their hands and groaned. "I wish I could explain more. I just… don't really know what happened besides that. We tried to bring him back, I almost died, and then I woke up fully healed and she's dead. All that was explained to me was that I was now a human made homunculus."

Roy sat up straight. "Well, I suppose that was more than I was expecting when we sat down. I'm going to assume that this is to be kept secret, correct?"

"I don't like the way you're talking or the look on your face. Are you really trying to cut a deal with a child?" Q glares at him. They should've expected this from some of their research they did on state alchemists in the hospital. "You want to be the king, correct? I heard talking in the hospital."

The tension was so thick in the room that you would need more than a knife to cut through it. Neither of the two wanted to answer the other. Both wanted their way and didn't want to hear what the other has to say.

"You want me to help you in some way, don't you? I would rather not have to go through all that work just for a secret… but given the secret…" They sigh. They should have declined the offer or not told Mustang.

"Given the secret you don't have much of a choice. Besides, I'm not asking much. You are a child after all  like you said before." Roy laughs internally at how much Q was reading into this. He wonders if something like this has happened before. "All I ask is that you help me when the time comes. Maybe a few things along the way but it's not what you're thinking, Q. I'm not the man to hold a secret over someone's head to make them obey like a dog."

Q stares at him, 'I doubt that looking at that smug face. But I suppose I'd rather deal with you than Bradley.'

The tension was cleared up much more than before. Q still had their doubts about the man but decided that some doubts could be fixed over time. 

There's a moment of silence before Q decides to say anything. They knew their answer already but would rather wait to make it more dramatic. They had always done this, never wanting to give in right away. Now was no exception.

"Alright." They shrug. "It's this or killing you and that would be suspicious."

"Go ahead and try if you want, doubt you can."

Q deadpans at him. "I was joking. Besides, I want to know about your flame alchemy. I would understand if you had a lighter and created a larger fire with that, but you snap and it's there."

"I can't answer that. If everyone knew, then what use would I be? What I want to know is what kind of alchemy you practice."

"Well when you first met me I just finished with human transmutation but that clearly failed. But I really just stick to the normal stuff." Q thought for a second. During the period that passed from when they became a homunculus and when they were found, they discovered a few new things about themselves

Besides just immortality, they could control their blood. If they got cut and there was blood from that wound, it could be used as a weapon. They tested it out and it was just like alchemy. They would turn it into a sharp object and shoot it like bullets, and in theory if they lost a lot of blood could use it as something more.

Another thing they had was a skeleton that could pierce through their skin without pain and act like a shield. It was quite terrifying when they first saw themselves.

How could they use this while still appearing human? Q had an answer for at least one of them. "I can also manipulate my blood and use it as a weapon because of the iron in it."

"That's impossible. There's no way you can do that." Roy stared at the child in shock. If they were telling the truth then they really are to be feared. He hoped that they would continue to side with him.

"Well correct but no. I can't do that with alchemy but that's what I'll tell everyone else at least. That's another part of me being a homunculus."

That didn't make Roy feel any better. "Wait, but doesn't that mean to use it you must be hurt first? That doesn't sound like a good plan."

"You're correct once again, Mr.Mustang."

"Just call me Mustang, 'Mr.' makes me feel old."

"Okay, Mustang. You are correct about that but luckily for me, it's not just blood flowing out of my body. As long as it is still liquid I can use it."

"...My point still stands, Q. To use this you must first get hurt."

Q wants to roll their eyes but decides not to. "Yes, that's correct, but if I were to put my blood into jars I could use that instead of having to bleed in battle." They pause, "Unless I need more, that is."

Roy smiles softly, "You've got this all thought out, don't you, kid? Well I suppose I can't stop you if this is what you chose to do."

"I doubt you would try, Mustang."

"You do have a fair point, Q." He agrees. "Oh, by the way, can I ask why your name is Q?"

"I didn't really have a name as a kid, but when a lady took me in, she called me 'Q' because of all the questions I asked." They moved their bangs out of their face, "But mainly because of the q shaped scar on the corner of forehead."

"Well, that's one way to name a kid." Roy shrugs. "I don't have a room set up for you yet, the spare isn't really a room at the moment."

The spare bedroom was completely empty besides a few boxes of random things Roy didn't know what to do with.

"That's ok. I'm fine with just the couch." Q says. "When do you think I can become a state alchemist?"

"You just got out of the hospital, Q."

"Doesn't matter. I'm homunculus so I'm fine. I want to know when I can become one." 

Mustang sighs. The kid had just gotten out of the hospital after trying to bring someone from the dead and the first thing they wanted to do is work. He wonders if they're related. "Let's see what you can do first. You can apply in a month if I think you're able to."

"Deal." Q agrees. "So I'm training with the flame alchemist, how lucky of me."

Roy stands up. "Well if you want to stand a chance against me I suggest getting some sleep."

"Alright. Goodnight, Mustang." Q yawns leaning back on the couch. Being a homunculus, they don't need to sleep but it is something they tend to do

"Goodnight, Q." Roy turns off the light and walks to his room. closing his door, he sits at his desk with the phone.

Picking it up he calls the only person he can trust with this, Riza Hawkeye.

"Lieutenant, what do 15 year olds like?"

AHHHH IM SO GLAD I FINALLY GET TO WRITE THIS!!!! also pls exuse if the writing sucks bc I havent written in a while and my first chapter is never the best (I'm working on that tho!) AND I have to write on my phone bc my laptop broke :( THIS WONT STOP ME THO!!!!

[jinyoungs-hipsdontlie]

a letter to you, jonghyun.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been hesitating and reconsidering alot regarding this but i felt the need to do it so here goes.

This is going to be my last farewell letter to Jonghyun. This is where i’m going to spill all my thoughts out on everything that has happened, in order for me to finally let go and heal from this situation. I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but i guess i really need to let it all out.

I want to finally move on from this. I want to get back to my usual self. It’s been terribly exhausting for me lately; emotionally, mentally and even physically. 

And no, this is not the last time i will post about Jonghyun. But this would be the final one filled with sadness and grief. After this, i want to only post bright and happy memories of him, just like how i want to remember him forever.

NOTE: It’s going to be EXTREMELY long (2800+ words i never knew i had to express) and kinda triggering so i put it under keep reading. Please ignore and scroll past this post if you know you might be triggered. I really dont want any of you guys to hurt more than you already have.

[death tw] [suicide tw] [suicidal ideation tw] [depression tw]

. . .

And now i think, it’s time. 

It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace. ——————————–

Sigh.

Where do i even begin.

This is so hard.

…It still hurts. Everything hurts.

Hearing that you took your own life broke me. Death, especially of a loved one, has always been my biggest fear in life. I lost a schoolmate back in September 2012 through suicide. And just last year in November 2016, i lost my aunt to suicide. And 5 days ago, 18th December 2017, i lost you, my first ever idol through the same horrid way.  And that’s part of the reason why i think, that i felt the news of you leaving the world hit so close to home for me personally.

It opened up old wounds for me, and i thought that this time, instead of keeping strong and playing a facade, im going to let myself feel, to grieve and mourn and then recover. When i lost my aunt last year, i wasn’t able to grieve much. Because i had to stay strong for my mother who had just lost her beloved sister. I couldnt just stand and cry, i had to hold my mom’s arm and support her to walk during the funeral and prayers. So this time, i did not lie to myself that i was okay, because i wasnt at all.

The first 3 days. I havent been able to eat, just water and barely a few spoons of rice each day… eating so that i wouldn’t make my family worried about me. I havent been able to sleep well, just a few hours each day, because the image of you appears before me whenever i close my eyes. I couldnt even watch your videos or listen to your voice as it hurt too much. I couldn’t believe you were gone. I feel so lost, so empty, literally on autopilot mode.

But no, i’m not blaming you for taking your own life. I’m not angry at you, i’m not disappointed in you, i really have no negative feelings towards you. Because i know, that what im suffering now… is the tiniest fraction of how much you have. For how long you have been in pain and how much you hurt, i’m so sorry. 

I’m sorry that you had to go through all this. I’m sorry you felt so alone even though you’ve been practically screaming it out to us. I’m sorry that the world was not your fate. I’m sorry for everything.

It pains me so much, to know that you had everything planned out. You, suffering in the dark, still continued being the kindest person through it. You had waited for your member’s birthdays to be over, you waited until your solo concert series was over, you left a meaningful song for us fans… to cope with the loss of a loved one, knowing fully well that we would need it after hearing the news of your death. You left a note for your loved ones, you even messaged your beloved sister before it all. You have always been so kind. 

Reading that letter you left us, it broke me so much. I cant even find words to describe it because i never ever thought you have been in so much despair. I don’t advocate suicide or taking the life of ownself, but as your long time fan, i respect your decision. All i can say is, you did so well Jonghyun. It is indeed commendable that you made it this far, and you really did go through alot.  

I can’t help but feel so sorry even though i know that there’s nothing i could have done. It just hurts to know it was so bad, so bad that you had to end it yourself since it was too much for you to handle. I cant imagine the feelings that went through you that day, when you knew you were going to take your life. Did you eat your favourite meal knowing it’d be your last? Were you crying or just all numb? I tried to tell myself not to think so much about you on that day, but i couldn’t stop myself from thinking. 

Sigh.

The first three days was a nightmare. That monday evening, i cried so much. The initial shock and sorrow was too hard to handle. The news crashed down on me so hard. 

On the 19th, i remember breaking down when i came home after class. I broke down bad, crying so terribly hard.

On the 20th, I attended a vigil that we had for you here in Singapore. It was one of the hardest thing i’ve ever done. 

I tried to be strong, but seeing the other shawols at the florist also buying roses for you, i broke down. We all did. It was so heartbreaking. I had to fight so hard make sure i didn’t cry on the train as i made my way to the venue. 

I think the only way i could describe the vigil; bittersweet. Approx a thousand people came, of all ages, to pay our last respects to you in our own way. The lightsticks, the flowers, the letters, the shawols who relied on each other and grieved together. It was all so beautiful, but it hurt so much. 

I teared up when i was already in the queue. I held the lightstick and letters in one hand, and a red rose in the other. As i got closer, i brought the rose close to my nose. I took a deep breath, five times. Each time after i say a prayer for every member of SHINee. First you, then the rest by age order.

My walls finally broke, after i placed my flower near the picture of you and said a prayer. It was so hard. I couldnt stop the tears. And to the little angels over there who gave out tissues fo all of us who broke down, and giving free hugs to anyone in need, thank you. I cried in my sister’s arms. I’m not one who shows my tears infront of people i love, but this time i couldnt keep the strong facade. I had to let it all out. 

Shortly after, we all gathered close, and sang the chrous of your debut song, Replay. I tried to keep my voice stable, but i couldnt help the falter at the end. Also, like what you wanted and what you deserved to hear, we all told you ‘수고했어요 - You did well’ in unison. I couldn’t help but break down again at that. It was really so difficult to face reality, but that vigil had brought me the slightest bit of acceptance. Im thankful for my chance to attend it.

And then Thursday.

21.12.17, you were finally laid to rest. With all your loved ones by your side, i hope those last moments were not lonely for you. You are so loved Jonghyun, you really are.

I woke up that morning trembling for some reason. I checked my phone, and saw that none of my alarms had rung. Puzzled why i woke up so early, i looked at the time. And realized that it was just 10 minutes before your funeral procession.

I had to be in class in an hour and i knew i couldnt bear to see or hear anything about your funeral so i immediately uninstalled Facebook and Twitter. But when i came home that afternoon, i told myself, that i should just see the pictures/watch the procession. Not to see everyone mourning or what so ever, but for the sake of closure. For acceptance. I think i needed it. 

And so i did. And god, how much i cried. It broke me so much, i shook terribly while sobbing. It was the worst thing i have seen, every single second pained me. That was not the image i had when i said i wanted to see SHINEE has five again. What’s worse, Kibum’s letter to you was uploaded 10 minutes later. And damn, cue the tears again. He’s so strong and he really loves you so much, Jonghyun. 

After crying for longer than i’d like to admit, i drank a glass of water and stared up to the sky. I gave a final prayer to you, for you to rest in peace. 

A few hours later, strangely, i felt calmer. For the first time since your passing, i felt like i could feel you were finally in peace up there. I really hope you are. That evening, i managed to eat my first proper meal in 3 days. I guess i’m finally accepting it.

And yesterday. 

I woke up and even though it hurt, i told myself i have to move on. I still couldnt eat properly and skipped meals but i managed to eat dinner? And even though i was still pretty empty and lost, i agreed to watch a movie with my sister at the cinema. I was reminded of you throughout and i did feel pangs of sadness, but i could still enjoy it slightly. 

And last night, i managed to watch a video of you singing. I’ve seen it on my tumblr dash a few times and so i told myself to watch and listen to your voice again, instead of scrolling past. It was that video of you singing ‘This Woman’s Work’. Oh how much have i missed your voice! I would be lying if i said i didn’t cry, but i pulled through and watched til the end. The way you sang with all your heart, so beautiful, that’s the Jonghyun i have always loved. 

Then after, I listened to your song, ‘End of a day’. I already knew my dams would break with this one so i got my tissues ready. And cried hard did i. But i was able to listen to the end, paying so much attention once again to the tones of your voice and how beautiful it is. 

I don’t know how but somehow after listening to your voice, even though i cried through it, i felt much calmer and stronger. Sigh… look at you, even in heaven you’re still comforting me with your beautiful voice. An angel you really are. And last night after all that, for the first time this entire week, i managed to sleep well. For 10 hours straight. Call it wishful thinking, but im pretty sure it’s because i finally listened to your voice again. That calming voice which i love. 

And today, a Saturday, i woke up to Jinki’s letter. Look at him, the world’s greatest leader. Even in all this chaos, he’s still so strong and reliable. He loves you so much, Jonghyun. And so does all your members. 

I was also able to eat 2 full meals today. I drank more water than i had for each of the past 5 days. I  also watched funny videos of you, Jonghyun. I washed my hair, did my usual skincare routine which i paused since Monday. And now, here i am, about to sleep, with a facial mask to use once i post this.

I think i’m coping better these days.

Jonghyun, i’m doing well right? Please tell me i’m doing well too. Please continue to give me strength and happiness from up above, to help me move on and be myself again, and even in the future. Please be my guiding angel, like what you’ve been for the last 8 years to me. 

You’ve changed the colour of the moon and lamps to our favourite pearlescent aqua, you’ve given us so many signs that you’ve made it to heaven and the skies this past week, thank you for reassuring us fans that you’re doing well up there. Please look after us from above; most importantly, your mother, sister, the members, your friends and loved ones. 

…..

I just want to let you know again, that becoming a fan of SHINee and even more, a fan of you, Jonghyun, is still and will forever be one of the best decisions i have ever made. 

Do you remember that time i first heard SHINee? I saw a group of students performing Ring Ding Dong at a school event and thought it was great so i went to check it out.

Do you remember the time you made me smile and laugh so hard during Hello Baby? I watched the entire thing in 2 days on Youtube, it’ll always be my favourite, i can never forget you and your skinship with baby Yoogeunie.

Do you remember how i was so proud when you released your first solo album? It was amazing!

Do you remember how much happy tears i cried along with you and the boys when SHINee won Best Artist of the Year at Melon Music Awards in 2013? My heart was bursting with pride! 

Do you remember how i went to Seoul in October 2015 and September 2017 and took a picture/selfie next to every standee or advertisement of yours i saw? I didn’t care if i looked weird or funny cos as a fan, that was a golden moment as i never was able to get that close to you.

And of course, do you remember how ecstatic i was when i heard SHINee was coming to Singapore for Music Bank in August and Shilla Duty Free Beauty Concert in November? Who cares how overpriced the tickets were… I was the happiest person when i got them! 

Watching you perform and listening to your beautiful voice live not once but twice, is one of my happiest moments in life, and it will forever be.

…sigh… it sucks when reality hits me and i realize that i won’t be able to see you again, well not in this lifetime at least. But i can assure you, Jjong, that i will never ever forget you.

You may not be in the same form as me, but know that you are everywhere with me. In my heart, in my mind, in my music albums, in my phone’s gallery, in my old study notes that i scribbled your name, in my keychain hung on my bag, in my pearlescent aqua coloured portable charger and sweater, and ofcourse, in my beloved SHINee lightstick. 

I love you and i won’t forget you.

…Before i conclude, i want to say thank you. 

Thank you for being my first ever idol and my first love.

Thank you for making me smile and laugh til i cry.

Thank you for composing and writing such beautiful songs, your music as SHINee and as a solo artist has given me immense strength and happiness and comfort all these years.

Thank you for being an amazing role model, your actions/thoughts/words have inspired me to be a better person.

Thank you for being so strong all these years, and trying your best to fight the negativity.

Thank you for being the best son and the best brother to your mother and sister, your adoration and love for them are the sweetest thing ever.

Thank you for being the kindest, most loving and the most supportive brother to Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin; your love for them and their love for you have shown me what true friendship and family is. 

Thank you for everything, Jonghyun.

And now i think, it’s time. It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace.

[waitinginthedarke]

BIGBANG - MAFIA!AU - SERIES 3

A BIGBANG FANFICTION

Summary: The saying goes, ‘the mafia is family, the mafia is home’…but even if ‘the mafia is home’…is it really the right place to raise a child?

A/N: For those that aren’t enjoying the beauty that is Eurovision, here is Chapter two of mafia! :D

Masterlist (including series one and two)

Chapter 3

‘Whats the matter?’

His voice echoes into the darkness as you stare blindly in front of you, your mind stuttering over your thoughts with the sudden interruption, before you process that you needed to answer him.

‘…Nothing…’

‘We got into bed 2 hours ago but you still haven’t fallen asleep…somethings bothering you. Tell me.’

You sigh as you shift onto your back, turning your head to the side to look at Jiyong where he’d been spooning you, the dark circles under his closed eyes making you frown in concern as you reach over to stroke them gently, and the action causes him to peel his eyelids back to look at you, his eyes slightly bloodshot as they focus on your face.

‘Ji?’

‘Mmmh?’ he murmurs in response as he closes his eyes again, simply resting them as he waits for you to tell him what was wrong.

‘What will you do when they find the child?’

The nervous question is met by a few seconds of silence as Jiyong tries to work out why you were thinking about that, having assumed your concern would be to do with the information you’d relayed to him about Seunghyun and Kyungil when you’d returned home, and being taken aback by the topic of the missing infant.

‘I haven’t decided yet.’ He finally murmurs, his hand that was lay on your stomach rubbing gently to calm your obvious stress about the matter, but you reach up to hold it still, the movement causing him to open his eyes to see your concerned expression, a frown beginning to crease his face.

‘Jagi, why are you so worked up over the child-‘

‘Don’t kill him.’

‘Y/N!’ he snaps, leaning up on his elbow to look down at you indignantly as you glance at him worriedly.

‘Jiyong, please-‘

‘Why the hell would you think I’d kill him, Jagi? My God. Do you really think I’d do something like that?’ he asks, his voice tinted with an edge of hurt, and you sigh as you break his gaze, shaking your head timidly as you turn into his chest and duck your head beneath his chin, feeling him lay back with you and automatically cradle you in his arms as he waits for you to respond.

‘Ji, its not that…I-…Aish, its not anything to do with the child, really…-‘

‘Is this about me wanting a child?’ he murmurs, the words perfectly soft as he tries not to frighten you away, but the second he cottons onto your train of thought, you instinctively tense up, on edge as you try to hide what you were thinking from him, not wanting him to see how much the topic scared you.

‘Y/N, I told you, we don’t have to talk about it until your ready-‘ he goes to reassure you gently, but that’s before you cut him off.

‘But what if im never ready, Ji?’ you breathe, your fear getting the better of you as you cower against his chest, too scared to look up at his reaction to you snatching away the dream he had.

‘…Then we never talk about it.’

His answer surprises you enough to have you slowly raising your head to look up at him, seeing him reverted to having his eyes closed, and you frown as you touch his cheek to make him look at you, needing to see if his words were sincere or not, after all the worrying you’d done over the pressure you felt to give him a child.

‘But…you sounded like you really needed one-‘

‘I would like a child…I wont deny that. …but you’re the one thing in this world that I want more than anything else. …you’ll always come first, Jagi,… before anything else.’ He murmurs, holding your gaze the entire time he speaks and smiling softly at you when he trails off, his thumb suddenly smoothing over your cheek causing you to realize you’d shed some tears, and you quickly blink to rid your eyes of the bleariness, before nuzzling back into him, pressing a kiss to his neck as you curl into him, feeling more relaxed now that you knew where you stood on the subject.

‘I love you.’ You say quietly, your arm wrapping under his and around his shoulder as you lay your cheek comfortably against his warm, bare, chest, and you feel him make himself comfortable as he clutches you securely in his hold, and dots a kiss to your hair, staring blindly over your head as he finds himself getting lost in his thoughts, stroking his hand against your hair to get you to sleep.

‘I know, Jagi. …I love you too.’

SEUNGHYUN

He’d left Kyungil without any further information as to his plan to get him out after Daesung had taken over his shift, telling the younger man he was going for a smoke, before leaving the barn and pausing to light a cigarette. Although rather than remaining outside the rickety wooden building, he traps the cigarette between a join in the splintering fence that ran the perimeter of the building, scanning the area, before heading swiftly for the mansion, greeting people normally as he went. The only thing he was really keeping an eye out for was any signs of Jiyong, Y/N, or the other two members of the gang, knowing that if he got caught doing what he was about to do, there would be no way to save his plan from crumbling into dust.

Using his signature silent walk, he ghosts through the front doors and up the grand staircase without meeting anyone, only becoming extremely cautious when he is forced to avoid the eye of the cctv camera’s, but even then, smirking to himself as he walks through the corridors unseen, having snatched the master control from beneath Jiyong’s nose when he’d called him to the office earlier to describe his encounter with the child.

The child…

Ever since he’d watched him run out of the training room and into the forest he’d kept alert for any sign of the terrified creature, knowing as well as anyone else that natural instinct would have kept him close by the mansion, his apparent ease of access to the one building allowing him shelter where there wasn’t any other for miles around. But the one thing that had continued to bother him was where he’d come from in the first place, the boy’s appearance hitting too close to home for Seunghyun…

He enters the office without trouble, not being stupid enough to relax as he disables the manual camera’s in the room before stalking over to the safe room in the corner behind the main desk, keying in Seungri’s entry code that he’d had memorized since the boy first came to work for the gang, and entering slowly to scan his surroundings.

There was the cabinet.

Despite the filing system’s high-tech appearance, there was only a spin dial to secure the information on the entire population of the gang- minus Jiyong- the flimsy deal of privacy never particularly irritating Seunghyun since he himself had hardly any information under his name, and as he pulled out the leaf of paper printed with his name, and trailed his eye over the document that contained his information, he couldn’t help but reminisce…

…on how he came to be there….

12 years ago

‘Jiyong! Your father wants to talk to you now! You cant run away forever!’

He heard the distant shouts of the men minutes after he’d clocked on to the young boy scrambling through the underbrush, his view from the tree in which he’d set up camp allowing him to see everything that went on below, whilst no one even glanced up at him.

He appeared desperate, his pants being audible even from Seunghyun’s vantage point, which meant if the men chasing him got any closer, he’d most definitely be discovered.

Well, that was his fault.

Seunghyun had been in the game ever since he could remember, jumping from relative’s house to relative’s house, never really knowing where he’d come from, and simply being told his parents had died when he was born. However, it wasn’t until he got to the age of 15 and decided he’d had enough of the beatings and the abuse over his inability to do well in school and his orphan status, that he’d made his great escape into the world on his own, and he’d never looked back since that moment over a year ago. He had a few run ins with various gangs, usually making a quick exit after looting some gear, and then honing his sniping skills as he’d left them a man or two down, before disappearing from beneath their very noses.

However, despite the rule he lived by, in which he only cared for himself and no one else, Seunghyun still found himself tracking the boy’s movements, or more specifically the movements of the men tracking him.

‘You’re going to have to run faster, Kid.’ He murmurs to himself, his eagle-eyed vision honing in on the men behind him, and he instinctively reaches for the gun he always kept in a holster on his hip when he sees them gain ground, gritting his teeth when he realizes what he’d done and battling with himself as he sees the fear, mixed with deadly determination on the boy’s face as he glances back, moving with a renewed sense of strength once he sees how close the men had got.

But at that point Seunghyun’s need to protect had already began to kick in.

Reaching for the shock bullets he’d snagged from a gang a few weeks back, the group of men having been taken off guard by a teenage boy being in their midst, and therefore leaving a chance for Seunghyun to loot their stash, he instantly switches the cartridges in his gun and repositions himself in the tree so that he could find a clear line of sight through which to take the angry sounding men out.

The first drops like a fly, the guy being at the back of the group meaning the sound of his body falling to the floor only attracts the attention of one of the other men, who before he could properly investigate what had happened, also gets hit by a shock bullet, and the immediate collapse of his body allows Seunghyun to admire his improved targeting ability. However as soon as he takes out number 3 of the 5 men, the first two instantly cotton on to an attack happening against their group, and without hesitation they raise their guns to scan the area, one of the two being smart enough to raise it toward the tree tops; he’s the one that becomes number 4.

It would only be a year later that Seunghyun would learn that he should have hid then, and let the young boy run to a hiding place, but instead in his youthful cockiness, Seunghyun decides to aim at the final man.

Just as a real bullet comes zooming toward him.

‘AH, SHIT!’

‘Stupid little bastard. Where the hell did he snag a gun from?’ he hears the guy murmur below as he instantly makes for the tree Seunghyun was hiding in, his heart thundering in his hears the sound of boots scraping through leaves and then the dull shaking of the tree beneath him indicating that he was actually climbing up, and despite clutching his arm desperately in an attempt to stop the blood flow from the sharp graze the bullet had engraved on his upper arm, Seunghyun still scrambles back quickly. He grabs his gun and holds it ready when he realizes he wasn’t going to have time to escape, keeping tabs on the guy as his body swayed between the lattice of branches and leaves below, a sudden fear rising within him when he realizes he might not actually make it out of this one.

But its just as he starts to squeeze the trigger in desperation, hearing the harsh pants of the guy where he was almost up to the same level of Seunghyun, that a shout from below causes all movement to stop.

‘Hyung! …Im here!’

He couldn’t breathe where his heart was in his mouth, the silence that took over the space only being filled by the other guy’s heavy breathing where he’d paused in confusion to look down at the other boy below, his line of sight being just below where Seunghyun was.

‘Jiyong? What the hell are you doing down there? I thought-‘

‘I fell. …Hyung…I-‘

‘Don’t say anything else. Your father is going to be furious when he hears about this.’ The guy mutters as he begins to retreat, sliding easily down the tree in his descent, and despite the fact that he was completely hidden from view then, Seunghyun could only stare wide eyed in front of him, taking shallow breathes and continuing to clutch his arm desperately as he listened to the two below, begging them to leave as his lungs began to burn and blood began to seep from between his fingers.

‘God. I thought I shot you, Jiyong! Where the hell did you get a gun anyway? -where is it? Give it to me.’

‘I-I dropped it-‘

‘Jesus. You look like you’ve been run over. Damnit your father’s going to kill me. Why couldn’t you have just gone to see him? It wouldn’t even have been that bad…’

The voices trail off after a minute or two, but Seunghyun refuses to move until the sounds of nature had resumed their song, the birds and insect’s knowledge of a safe surrounding being confirmation enough that he was safe-

-for now…

It was 3 days later that he heard from Jiyong again.

He’d been out scavenging for food, having crept down to a well populated drinking hole where he usually saw boars drinking, and had been about to settle in to wait out the moment that a wild pig would visit again. But just as he’d laid down amongst the garlic leaves and the overgrown grass, trees crowding in around him, he’d heard a twig break from the pressure of a footfall, and immediately his instincts kicked in as he clutches his gun.

‘Don’t shoot. …I just came to talk.’

As soon as it clicks in his mind that he’d heard the voice several days before, and he makes the connection with the youthful face that had been sprinting for his life through the underbrush, Seunghyun sighs in frustration at the obviously lost chance to catch the boar, springing quickly to his feet as he removes the catch from his rifle, and turning toward the sound of the voice as he rests it back over his shoulder and inspects the boy before him.

‘I don’t do talking.’ Is all he responds, before going to walk in the opposite direction, but the boy makes the stupid decision to grab for Seunghyun’s hand, and if there was one thing that Seunghyun didn’t tolerate, it was people touching him without his permission.

Before the boy could blink, he spins toward him and forces him to his knees, locking him in a choke hold and being about to put pressure on his windpipe-

-when something happens that Seunghyun didn’t anticipate.

He hadn’t braced his knees in time to secure the hold, and so before he could even respond to the movement, Seunghyun found himself toppling backwards, his spine crashing to the floor harshly, before he’s twisted to lie on his front and he feels his arms about to be locked behind his back. However, by this point the teenage boy had cottoned onto the fact that Jiyong wasn’t a normal boy, and so without hesitation he’s pulling out his best movements to turn the tables, quickly kicking the other boy away before flipping onto his back and landing in an anticipatory crouch.

…only to be met by another man having appeared beside the young boy where he stood before him.

‘You were right, Jiyong. He’s amazing-‘

‘What is this?’ Seunghyun immediately demands, looking between the man and the boy, his spine stiffening when he tunes into the sounds around him and hears the distant movement of people hiding in the trees, his immediate reaction being to instantly grab for his gun.

‘Wait! We don’t want to hurt you! ..We want you to join us.’ Jiyong quickly explains, holding his hands out as though Seunghyun were a frightened animal that would bolt at any minute, before slowly taking a few steps toward him.

‘The other day…you tried to save me.’ He says quietly when he comes to stand before the taller boy, doe like eyes staring up in awe at the handsome features that stood out starkly, despite being cushioned by youthful chub, and Seunghyun thinks to himself that he might have accidentally saved someone crazy.

‘I’ve been watching you for the past couple of days; you don’t have a home, you never go toward the city…you’re alone…-‘

‘-…I want to save you now.’

Seunghyun chuckles as he remembers what had happened after that, the way he’d stared at the younger boy as though he were insane, gifting him with a sharp right hook before darting free from the clearing through the heard of boar that had silently appeared by the watering hole behind him, the animals providing a good cover for his getaway, and the angry shouts of the men that had been hiding made him cackle loudly as he’d disappeared into the forest, amused by the very idea that someone thought they could save him.

Although, looking down at his file (or the flimsy piece of paper that encapsulated who he was by the gang’s standards) he couldn’t help but smile at the date printed on the page, reading one year after he’d first met Jiyong, and had decided to accept his offer.

Or…rather…he’d found himself in a bit of trouble that involved another gang, and had managed to track Jiyong down in his desperate search for help, the boy’s father immediately agreeing on the condition that Seunghyun joined the gang, and trained along side the younger boy.

What he hadn’t known then, was at that moment in time Jiyong had been gearing up to take over as the head of his father’s mafia, and so Seunghyun found himself unwittingly becoming the boys right hand man, the two doing everything together. It was as he remembered the day Jiyong had superseded his father, that he remembered the memories he’d blocked out of how Jiyong’s sister used to dote on him; the one night she’d kissed him and he’d rejected her instantly, too afraid of the feelings that the action provoked in him, and therefore vowing never to speak of it again- which after a year or so she’d forgotten about too.

Shaking himself out of that train of thought, he slides the filing cabinet closed, folding his slip of paper and neatly sliding it into the inner pocket in his blazer, before exiting the safe room and the office, and leaving everything as he found it. He silently presses the button on the control in his pocket that would resume the cctv recording after he’d made it back to the ground flood, and he cant help but smile widely as he greets Seungri on his way back out to the barn, the other man looking minorly confused as Seunghyun pats him on the shoulder jovially on the way past, whilst subtly slipping the cctv control into the man’s other pocket.

‘Hyung?’

He turns back toward his dongsaeng as he calls to him, tuning into the cool façade he usually wore as he rose his eyebrows at him inquisitively, silently asking what he wanted as he took in the way Seungri was watching him suspiciously.

‘I-…Daesung told me to tell you he wanted to talk, I think it might have been something to do with the captives.’ He explains, the way he’d initially stuttered causing Seunghyun to contemplate the younger man as he waits for his response, before quickly flashing him a smile and bowing his head in acknowledgement.

‘I’ll go and see him now.’ He murmurs, turning back to the barn and walking casually back to the secure building, being aware of Seungri watching him as he goes, but not giving him too much attention as he smiles to himself, and heads toward phase 2 of the plan…

(T.B.C)

[rantsbymiriam]

Nightmares

I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so bad that im still thinking about it today....so vivid in my memory as if it actually happened to me. Thats the thing about dreams, you actually feel all the emotions when you dream. And when you have a bad dream, you feel it as though it was real.

I dreamt I was in a school bus filled with school children and we all got into a major accident. We crashed into the river..but it wasn’t a river..it was a river filled with oil. You cant swim in it. (gila climate change dream)

I survived. The bus driver managed to haul me out. The children died. I cried so much. The bus driver told me that we should leave the area immediately and act like nothing happened so no one would find out. I was appalled at his suggestion but I was too much in shock to be able to process his suggestion. Then suddenly im back at home trying to tell an ex of mine what happened to me with the accident and all. And he just ignored me. 

Then I woke up. 

How many layers of trauma can you point out in this very dream? So many! I dreamt abt dying chlidren!!

 I have a bajillion things to do at work today and all I can think about is 

1- The children died. I can hear their cries. 2- wtf is wrong with the bus driver 3- wtf is my ex boyfriend of 10 years ago doing in my dream ignoring me? Seriously wtf. dah dah la tu. 

Obviously whatever thats going on in your dreams is a reflection of your reality.  Howver, my reality is not so bad now though. Work is work. I should feel pretty excited about whats to come for work stuff (murals and new projects and shit) but I think at this point of my life i cant derive happiness from work anymore. In the beginning I could because everything was new and exciting and now everything is just work...blerghhh..

You know what I need to get? A life. Thats what I need to get. I spent the whole of 2018,2019 focusing all my energy and time on work and figuring out the business....but its already the end of 2019...and im legit dying for something new. I also think I need to start dating again. You know, be a normal 31 year old single woman.

I just dont know how to anymore. All the things I used to like a few years ago...before I left for London in 2016...going to bars, clubbing, partying...im just not into anymore. Whenever I am invited to go, or think about going, my head immediately feels heavy...like my entire body refuses to do all these things...

So i’ve been trying out new activities...like THRIFTING. I am a natural thrifter. It gives me so much satisfaction if I find something I love for RM2. I went last weekend with some friends and we found a RM2 MARIMEKKO PLATE WHAT WHATTTTTT. If thats not a steal I dunno what is. I used to sell these plates at Janine and they’re like RM50. 

I said in my last post that i’ve been getting back into my music.....which is really playing the guitar again..playing my ukelele....writing music..singing to myself. Why did I even stop doing this? I loveeeee music. But for the longest time, ive had the weirdest most complicated relationship with all the music I love. (to cut the story short, a lot of bands trigger my PTSD LOL) I’ve been trying to deal with all these triggers and FORCE myself to listen to the songs and create new memories attached to it. 

I notice this abt myself. When I go through a bad experience in life... when im out of it... I avoid everything to do with that time of my life like THE PLAGUE. Even when the experience also had good stuff in it, I still avoid. I don’t think this is a good way fo navigating life.

For example, last night I went to watch Last Christmas with my mom and my sister (#romcomnight) and the movie was shot in London. I legit had so many WEIRD flashbacks of my time in London. It was non stop. Good and bad memories. mostly bittersweet.  I couldn’t bring myself to really get into the movie because THE ENTIRE MOVIE TRIGGERED ME. I need to deal with this. I WONT allow just a shitty time in London make me hate an entire city that I used to love. Ahh.. London...what a weird time of my life. Thats the moment I realize you can get what you want in life, but still be unhappy about other shit. It never stops. More on that later. 

You know another city that triggers me? Singapore. Oh my god. Now I have 2 freaking countries that make me have the hibbyjibbies when I go there. 

Anyway, this year, I plan to stop getting triggered with crap that doesn’t even directly affect my day to day life. Like music, movies and entire cities that i’ve been completely avoiding because it triggers me so much. As you can obviously guess by now, relationship memories trigger me. I now know that it isn’t the relationship per se that triggers me, it isn’t even the person im seeing. It is just me being overly sentimental and having all these childhood traumas that come back to haunt me when I date people.

And it only comes out when I start getting intimate with people. All my emotional baggage from being abandoned and neglected as a child comes back tenfolds with any guy I date. He could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still have to deal with my baggage. I know my nightmare last night is probably a reflection of all these experiences i’ve had as a child.

It took me a looooongggg ass time to accept and forgive all the people who had hurt me as a child. If you dont know yet, childhood trauma is one of the main reasons why people behave / do / believe in what they do / have unhealthy coping mechanisms...and it can REALLY affect relationships and how you are in a relationship if one does not deal with these traumas properly. It also affects how you deal with stress and stressful situations. It affects everything really. For me it affects EVERY SINGLE THING abt my life, except work related stuff .People always assume I have my shit together because when its work related im almost always on the good side of things. My personal life is the opposite of my work life. It used to be a disaster area. Literally a hurricane went through it and nobody rebuilt it. It was just left there in shambles...Theres a rave happening in the middle of it.....Not really a happy rave...more like a rave happening out of desperation, like “fuck we live in a hell hole. LET’s RAVE!!!” Instead of cleaning up the mess, I chose to rave. Omg. Thats totally me and my life haha. Anyway, that was back then. Currently my personal life is a beautiful garden straight out of a Monet painting..theres a beautiful cottage right by the river.....flowers are blooming everywhere...Its pretty scenic...fantabulous...level boleh masuk Architectural Digest (welcome to my crib)...... The only problem is that its completely EMPTY.... More on that later. 

Back to childhood traumas, I am not the only one in the world with childhood traumas. EVERYONE has childhood traumas in one way or another. EVERYONE has baggage.  You reading my blog here. You have traumas. It’s only a matter of being AWARE of ones trauma or not. Thats your own journey to find out. Some people are lucky to have been born into mentally healthy and happy families, GOOD FOR YOU BRO.

Im not special at all. I hear stories front left and centre about relationships falling apart because of they haven’t properly dealt with all their mommy and daddy issues...and issues regarding the self....

Anyway I dont even know why im talking about this right now..I guess the dream last night made me realize that ive totally been avoiding dating or having relationships (or even meeting new people) and using work as an excuse to not have to deal.

Then again, its not like TINDER has the best quality of men in the world Lol so I know im not missing out on much. But I know I must. 

For the sake of my “art” and creativity. I’ve never been a full time artist AND be in a relationship at the same time. I always wondered all these artists and their “muses” - being inspired by another person to create your art....I find it fascinating. 

If you read about Frida Kahlo’s life and her artist boyfriend...whoa..thats like ART TELENOVELA....Artists are so passionate when it comes to love. I scare myself when I think about it. Artists have no chill honestly. When they feel, THEY TRULY FEEL. Im sure many artists are able to properly regulate their emotions and are just normal ass people...but the artists I know are all super mad in some way....

Which is why, I believe this is the best profession for me. There was no way I could work in an office and be a robot...churn out report after report and new marketing strategies when there is so much ABOUT LIFE out there to get inspired by...I guess this is a topic for another time which I really wanna talk about. Basically how I came into “myself” when I made the change to do what I really want in life. I changed my hair and dressing too.....I suddenly realized “Why am I wearing all this 9-5 bullshit? Why TF am I wearing an A line skirt” I can wear whatever the hell I want I dont have a boss or have to be “professional” and I can get away with wearing a plastic bag on my head if I wanted to. And here I thought I was a “non-conformist” There was so much more I was subconsciously “conforming” to and didn’t realize. Dressing and hair are just surface level stuff....Theres a whole lotta “lifestyle” choices that ive been re-thinking too....Also the sacrifices i’ve made to do the business...I had to do a whole entire LIFESTYLE rehaul for me to be able to afford doing my business......(this is something that I REALLY want to share. Cause chasing your dreams ain’t easy. People only see the glamorous parts of it)

Thats a post for another time. For now, I really gotta go back to work and FINISH UP SOME REALLY EXCITING PROJECTS....

(I tried to do this in caps lock to hype myself, but it didn’t work. im dreading work today....oh well) Im human. some days we get nightmares and it fucks up our entire day.