#god im gonna cry for the first time in a week and its just bcause of my siblings bdjfhjhhhhh

[mercenarypark]

fastest way to make me upset about my dads death again is to remind me of my siblings and stepsiblings and how theyre all coping through this im definitely handling this all better than most of them... if not all of them. which just makes me upset w/ worry hdjfbfjgh

[oceanelf]

its time........................to overshare

wow ok this weekend has been...idk just. surreal. i spent last night at my not-family-but-family’s house and they threw a huge party and there were some other americans there and just. some of m fav people ive met here and it was really such a blast, i wont go into detail too much abt tht night but like it was wild and fun.

but there was this certain like weight to it all because me & my family all knew tat like...this is the last time we’re gonna see each other for a long long time, bcause im moving across the world nexxt week. as of now i have no idea if/when ill get the opportunity to see them or any f my friends again.

this morning i had to say goodbye to my dad and my brother first cause they were going to nara, it was super fuckin unceremonious because we were kinda rushed which is good otherwise i woulda fuckin cried on them right on the spot. but it was after that The Tears Came when i realized like. i had said goodye to them.

after that i had to go give a farewell & thank you speech, it was kinda like a graduation ceremony. on the way there i was practicing with my mom who was bringing me and we both just fuckin lost it and started crying in the car. then on the high way we ended up passing the car with all the guys in it and they were all waving and smiling at us but we had both just been like bawling so then we were so embarrassed that we just started cry laughing for like 20 min before we calmed down fhdskjf

we had a lil time before my speech started tho and we wanted to like. make use of the lil bit of time we had together & had planned on getting lunch but impulsively decided fuck lunch and went to a mall instead and i got a spicy new instrument...then after that i had to do my speech and Boy Howddy i did not hold it together for that. THEN after that i had to say goodbye to my friends who are here thru the same program and holy fuck we all were just crying.

its been so bad but also just like....weirdly comforting i guess? because ive known for so long that these goodbyes are coming, and also ive had so much ive wanted to say to people who have done so so much for me but i havent known how. but with the weight of like, enver seeing people again ahead of me ive gotten the courage to just thank people and be really...idk, sincere? ive felt so vulnerable in the past few days but tats refreshing because i never ever ever usually let myself appear as vulnerable at all.

im oozing with thankfulness right now. the kindness these people have shown me just is astounding. for no reason, these people have welcomed me an supported me and taught me and all they get in return is my thank yous. in just 9 days now im gonna be gone and i think soon after that most peple here, aside from my new faimly, will forget abt me soon after that but fuck man the kindness ive been shown will stick with me forever.

i guess...idk. im really sad, ofc im sad im leaving this life behind, but i also feel...ok. because i know im going somewhere where i have other people to lve and to have fun with and to have sme more crazy adventures with. i wish i could have a little more time here, but i feel like ive already gotten so much more out of this than i deserve so im more than happy leaving now with what ive got. god, i just hope i can come back again soon. i wanna see my dads kind eyes and my moms goofy smile and my friends awkward laugh again. i dont want the relationships ive built to become history. fuck.