#god i haven't even left yet and i've spent so much on this trip | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

djarindroid · 1 year ago

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Love and Duty

Pairing: Cassian x Reader

Summary: Part three in my lil Stuck series- Cassian has been cleared to go back out on missions and spends his last hours at the base trying to show you how much you mean to him.

Warnings: NSFW! Smut with feelings! Oral sex (F & M receiving), unprotected penetrative sex (only suitable for ages 18+)

Word Count: 3,621

Comments: Smutty part three to the Stuck series I've started, debating whether to leave it at this or write some more for these 2 🤔 I also would like to give a shout out to @mylovelies-docx , I haven't stopped thinking about Cassian calling the reader Princesa since reading 'Social Cues' and I've incorporated it into this fic, you were truly doing gods work when you did that 👑

It was finally here, the day that Cassian thought he’d be pleased to see arrive, but now it had, a heaviness settled over him instead of his expected joy. He’d been cleared to fly and his first mission had already been assigned, scheduled to leave early the following morning.

His main thoughts during the mission briefing were of you. He didn’t want to tell you he was leaving, in fact he didn’t want to leave you at all. You’d quickly become such a stable part of his life and he wasn’t ready to go yet. He wished he could have even one full extra day with you but he just had the night.

Cassian had never left a briefing so quickly, desperate to spend his remaining hours on base by your side. His heart pounded in time with his feet as he all but ran to your quarters. As he rushed to you, his mind was filled with the memories of the times you’d spent together. It had only been about 4 weeks since you first met, but Cassian knew he would treasure every moment you’d shared. From your meeting, to your trip off base, to the late night caff sessions, not to mention the both of you sneaking out into the surrounding jungle to explore.

He froze outside of your door, his mind conflicted. The need to see you was fighting with the fact he was going to have to give you bad news. He had no idea when he’d be back, no idea when he’d see you again. But the desire to hold you prevailed and he found himself knocking loudly.

The door whooshed upwards and there you were, beautiful as ever. For a brief second Cassian completely forgot the reason he’d practically sprinted across the base to see you. You pulled him into your quarters with a hug, the door closing as he stepped over the threshold. He wrapped his arms around you, feeling the soft wool of…wait, he looked over your shoulder and realised you were wearing his jumper. He smiled into your neck and stroked a hand over your back, he adored the fact you were in his clothes.

‘I’ve been looking for this,’ he teased as he pulled away from your embrace. He took you in as you looked down to his jumper. It was too big on you, coming down to cover the top of your thighs, with the sleeves dwarfing your arms.

‘Sorry,’ you played with the sleeves, ‘I forgot to give it back the other night.’ He thought back to the two of you laying outside, you were pointing out all of the different planets and constellations you could see from the base. Despite the chill in the air, you didn’t once complain, but as a light mist rolled in Cassian silently removed his jumper and placed it over you. You paused briefly in your explanation as you thanked him and drew the jumper closer to you.

You went to start taking it off but he quickly stopped you, ‘Keep it on, it looks good on you.’ You flushed at his words, still not used to the easy way Cassian complimented you.

As a silence fell over you, a dread settled over Cassian. He knew what he had to tell you but he wanted to keep pretending that he wasn’t a rebel spy, that he was just an average guy that could lead a normal life. His expression clearly gave him away as he noticed a frown beginning on your face.

‘Is something wrong Cass?’ you stepped closer, closing the small space between you. Worry was etched on your face as you reached up to cup his cheek. He leaned into your touch, taking a brief second to enjoy this moment before he burst the bubble the two of you had created.

Meeting your eyes, he knew he had to tell you in that moment or he’d never get it out. ‘I’ve been cleared,’ was all he could bring himself to say.

‘Oh,’ your face had dropped slightly but you were trying to hide it for Cassian’s sake. ‘When do you go?’

‘In the morning,’ he sighed as his hands rested on your waist. ‘I’m sorry,’ he added in a whisper.

Your hand cupping his cheek made its way to the back of his neck, as you gently played with his hair you said, ‘I thought you’d be excited to get back out there.’

He took a deep breath as he thought about it, his brain was struggling to settle on one emotion. On one hand he was able to go out and do the one thing he felt like he was put into this galaxy to do, but on the other hand he’d finally found someone that made him want to stay. He’d never even considered settling down, he was constantly eager to be out doing whatever he could for the resistance. He was so confused about how he felt and he was unsure how to tell you.

Sensing his difficulty you softly said ‘You know I’ll be here when you get back right?’

He smiled down to you, you deserved so much more. You deserved someone that could be here for you, not someone who could just leave you for months at a time. ‘Maybe we should just run away,’ he half joked as his hands slightly squeezed your waist. ‘Just say the word.’

You giggled lightly at his suggestion, knowing he’d never go through with it. You rested your free hand on his chest as you continued his joke, ‘where would we go?’

‘Anywhere you want,’ he brought his forehead down to your own. ‘I could show you the whole galaxy.’ Cassian closed the distance between you and pressed a kiss to your lips. He pulled away just enough to look into your eyes and whispered ‘I will always come back to you.’ He felt you smile as he leant in to kiss you again.

‘And I will always wait for you Cassian,’ he felt your lips move against his between kisses as you spoke. He was so overcome with emotions that he felt like he could cry. He still couldn’t believe how lucky he’d gotten. He would thank the maker everyday that he’d sprained his wrist because that had brought him to you.

Knowing that you cared as deeply as he did lit a fire inside him, he ran his hands up the side of your body until he was cupping your face, pulling you into him and deepening the kiss. He poured all of his adoration into it. Your hand on his chest gripped his shirt to steady yourself. Your lips moved in sync as the connection between the two of you intensified. His touch was so gentle but filled with longing, your warmth keeping him grounded as the kiss continued.

It was as if everything else had melted away, nothing else mattered apart from the two of you. Lost in the feeling Cassian found himself desperate to feel every inch of you. His hands roamed down your sides, searching for your warmth. He grabbed at the bottom of the jumper, moving it up enough to allow him to feel you. You moaned into his mouth as his large hands explored your bare skin.

His touch fueled something inside you and you rushed to begin unbuttoning his shirt, wanting to feel his body. You fumbled with the buttons, struggling to undo them as your mind was too clouded from the kiss. Cassian pulled away briefly and quickly ripped the shirt over his head. He crashed his lips back into yours as your hands reached out for his exposed body.

You explored every inch of him you could reach, feeling the hair on his chest and the scars that littered his body. The groan he let out as you raked your nails down his back had you utterly intoxicated with him, you were eager to get him to make that noise again. Placing your hands on his chest you guided him backwards until the back of his knees hit your bed and he fell onto it.

Cassian looked up at you standing above him, a flicker of vulnerability in his eyes. The room was filled with a thick tension, anticipation was coursing through both of you. You leant down to him and placed a quick kiss on his lips. The way Cassian tried to follow your lips as you moved away caused you to giggle lightly. You leaned further in, kissing along his jawline. You nipped and kissed your way down his neck until you sank to your knees before him, your lips leaving a trail of kisses down his chest.

His mind was consumed with a rush of pleasure, time ceased to exist as his mind was clouded with nothing but the thought of you. Every kiss, every caress sent shivers down his spine. He was suddenly pulled back into the moment as he felt you pulling the zipper of his trousers down, his eyes snapped down to yours.

You looked up at him through your eyelashes as you cooed, ‘let me take care of you.’ Cassian knew he’d trust you to do anything if you carried on looking at him like that. He hissed as you pulled down his trousers and boxers, releasing his already hard length. You kept your eyes on his as you wrapped your hand around the base of his cock, ‘will you let me take care of you?’

He nodded and his eyes fluttered closed as you slowly stroked up and down the entire length. You continued to pump him with your hand as he leaned back onto his elbows, his head falling back as he lost himself to the feeling.

You took advantage of him breaking eye contact and licked a slow stripe from the base of his dick to the tip. He groaned as you swirled your tongue carefully around the swollen head, you revelled in the sound and desperately wanted to hear it again. You engulfed the head in the wet heat of your mouth and let out a satisfied hum upon hearing Cassian moan again. You continued to stroke him with your hand as you began sucking the tip.

Cassian gathered his mind enough to look back down to you and what a sight you were. Your red, swollen lips wrapped around his cock as you worked him into your hot mouth. He knew he wouldn’t last long as he watched you pull off of him to flick your tongue over the slit. He murmured your name and rasped ‘fuck, you’re too good to me.’

Cassian practically growled as you pushed your lips further down, taking him deeper into your mouth. He couldn’t stop his hips from bucking up as you hollowed your cheeks and began slowly bobbing your head up and down his entire length. His head fell back again as he succumbed to the feeling, moaning uncontrollably. He’s so close already, he’d be embarrassed if it were with anyone else.

‘Fuck,’ he gasped as you took him fully into your mouth and swallowed around him. You pulled almost completely off of him before sinking your lips back down and repeating the action. He panted out your name, maker he’s close but he didn’t want this to end so soon. ‘Fuck stop, stop,’ he brings his hands to your head, and you pull of instantly, looking up at him with a slightly worried look. He calms you quickly and runs a hand through your hair ‘was too good, don’t want it to be over yet.’

‘Wanted to take care of you before you go,’ you rub your hands up and down his thighs as you confess to him.

Cassian felt like his heart skipped a beat at your words, he was done for. He knew deep in his soul that no-one else would ever compare to the way you make him feel. He wanted, no, he needed to make you feel even a fraction of how good you were making him feel. He surprised you by pulling you up by your arms and flipping the two of you, so you were laying on your back and he was straddling your waist.

Wasting no time he leaned down and began kissing your neck. A soft sigh escaped you as his lips traced along your jaw. Cassian tried to pour every unsaid word into each kiss, portraying a yearning that he couldn’t convey to you with words. His hands gripped your waist, rubbing gentle circles into your skin with his thumbs. His touch ignited a fire within your core.

He kissed his way up to your ear and as he reached between you to begin sliding your shorts down he whispered ‘it’s my time to take care of you now princesa,’ you flushed at the pet name, ‘want to give you something to remember me.’ Your breath stuttered as he fully pulled your shorts off and settled down between your open thighs.

Cassian was obsessed with the feel of your skin, your thighs surrounded his head as he placed gentle kisses on them. He slowly and carefully kissed his way up towards where you were now desperate for him. With each ascending kiss he could feel his urgency building, the longing to worship you in the most intimate way.

He heard your breath hitch with anticipation, your body instinctually arching towards him. He wrapped his hands around your thighs to keep you in place and his lips finally reached the destination he’d been longing to taste. His tongue delved in, savouring the sweetness. He relished in the whimper you let out as he flicked his tongue over your clit.

Cassian looked up at you as he completely indulged, alternating between circling and sucking your clit. Watching you fall into blissful pleasure wearing his jumper was almost enough to make Cassian cum right there. Your fingers made their way into his hair, intertwining with his locks and pulling him closer, urging him to carry on.

Each flick of his tongue and stroke of his lips brought you closer and closer. Cassian kept his gaze focused on you as he watched your eyes drift down to meet his own. His steady pace and your intense connection had you writhing and trying to grind down onto him.

Locked into Cassian’s gaze, that reflected all of the passion and hunger within, you found yourself teetering just on the edge. You were hardly even aware of your own moans and your repeated chant of his name. Your entire body was alight, your free hand gripping onto your bed sheet so hard you were sure it could rip, it felt as if you let go you would float away.

Cassian knew you were close, he gripped your thighs harder and pulled you impossibly closer. He moaned as he continued lapping at your pussy and suddenly you were there, tumbling over that edge, calling out his name as you came. The moans he let out vibrated through you, heightening the feeling. You’re falling apart and Cassian isn’t slowing down, he’s guiding you through and absolutely basking in the sound of his name falling from your lips over and over.

He reluctantly pulled away as you let out a whimper, he didn’t want to push you too far. As he crawled back up your body he watched as you tried to steady your erratic breathing, a smile was gracing your face and he tried to burn this moment into his memory. Your eyes drifted up to meet his and he returned your smile as he dipped down to kiss you.

Without breaking the kiss you sat up slightly and reached down to the bottom of the jumper you were still wearing. You slowly peeled it up your body, along with your undershirt, baring more and more of your skin. You reluctantly broke this kiss to allow room for you to completely remove your clothing, leaving you just as bare as he was.

Taking advantage of Cassian’s distracted gaze, you grabbed his shoulders, swiftly switching your places. He landed on his back as you swang your leg over his hips. He chuckled at the sudden change but quickly shut up as he looked up at you. You looked like a masterpiece, he was stunned that someone so beautiful could even exist in this galaxy, it shouldn’t be possible.

You carefully lowered yourself and the two of you moaned in unison at the feeling of his cock pressing flush against your pussy. You rolled your hips, slowly grinding along his thick length, coating it in your slick. Cassian’s hands instinctively gripped onto your hips, squeezing you as you rose back up on your knees slightly.

Neither one of you broke eye contact as you aligned the tip of his dick to your entrance. He couldn’t stop the gasp he let out as he finally found his way inside of you, watching in awe as you slowly lowered yourself, taking inch after inch of him. You were so tight, wet and warm, your pussy practically dragging him in. Your hands came to rest on his chest as your hips came flush with him, his cock now fully inside of you.

You stayed like that for a moment, taking the time to get used to the feeling of his thick cock sitting deep inside. Fuck this feels spectacular, no-one had ever made you feel like this before and you knew no-one ever would again. Every inch of you felt as though it was on fire, goosebumps covered your body as Cassian praised you.

‘Fuck, look at you,’ the grip he had on your hips became bruising. He felt like he had died and gone to heaven. You brought your lips to his and licked into his mouth as you rolled your hips, moaning into his mouth at the feeling.

You rose again, fully bracing yourself on Cassian’s chest and began a steady rhythm, rolling your hips. You shiver around him, your pussy clenching down on him with every roll. ‘That's it baby just like that,’ Cassian growled, not taking his eyes off your face. His hands roaming over the curves and dips of your body.

As your moans became louder you leant up slightly, pulling your hips up and then dropping back down. Cassian’s head slammed back into the cushions as he let out a stuttered gasp, you repeated the action and whimpered out his name ‘Cass, it feels good.’

His large hands came round, grasping at both of your tits. ‘You’re too good to me princesa, always treat me so nicely,’ he pinched and rolled your nipples between his fingers as you continued to ride him. ‘You’re taking me so well baby, fuck I’m going to miss you so much.’ You looked down to him as he cupped your cheeks and pulled you into a messy kiss.

‘Fuck Cass, gonna miss you too,’ The way you were angled now, practically laying on top of him made it quite difficult to continue your actions. ‘Cass please, I need you.’

‘I’ve got you princesa,’ he planted his feet on the bed below you and began to rut his hips up into you, the new angle making him reach deeper than he had before. You muffled a cry into his neck as he built up to a relentless pace. ‘Need to hear you baby, don’t hide,’ He grunted in your ear and you let out an unfiltered cry.

He knew you were close, he could feel your pussy rhythmically clenching down on him, he was close as well. A primal urge to feel you cumming around his cock had him desperately thrusting into you harder. ‘Look at me, fuck, please look at me,’ Cassian begged. The moment you pulled back to look into his eyes, Cassian felt a wave of emotions crash over him. Everything became so crystal clear to him at that moment and before he had time to think rationally about anything, the words were already spilling from his lips.

‘I love you, maker, I love you so much,’ he watched as your eyes widened. ‘I’m always going to come back to you, my perfect girl.’ He was grinding deep inside you now, perfectly hitting the spot inside you that had you fighting for your eyes to not roll back. ‘Cum for me, I need to feel it, maker, love, please cum for me.’

Overcome with emotions you find yourself opening your mouth in a silent scream as your pussy grips down hard on him as you crash full force into pure pleasure. Tears prick at the corners of your eyes as your body shakes through your orgasm.

That’s it, Cassian finally lets go and his cock goes rock hard and pulses as he cums deep inside you with a low groan of your name. Your pussy milking every drop it can has Cassian clamping his eyes shut as he rides out the feeling.

You fell to Cassian’s chest and his arms wrapped around you, holding you as close as he possibly could. He was content, and could happily lay in the moment forever but he could feel your lips moving against his collarbone. He planted a kiss to the top of your head before saying ‘baby, I can’t hear you.’

Your eyes stayed shut and from the sound of your steady breathing Cassian could tell you were trying to fight off falling asleep. He softly stroked a hand through your hair as you mustered up the energy to talk louder. And then he heard it, four words that he would think of for years to come.

‘I love you too.’

#cassian andor #andor #cassian andor x reader #cassian andor x you #cassian andor fanfiction #rogue one fanfiction #star wars fanfiction

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imaginationintowords · 4 years ago

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Folklore [song series]

this is me trying

Modern Day AU! Steve Rogers x OC!Reader; Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years.

word count: 3592

[a/n: I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to update this and my other story. i’ve been busy with school and work. thank you for your continued patience and support]

previous part

Series Masterlist

Age: 20 Year: Dec. 2014 Location: Brooklyn, NY

"How have you been James?”

Bucky looks out the window to his right. Hands grasped together in his lap as he sits on the dark green sofa across from the woman he's been seeing for the last 5 months.

He ponders the question, making sure to answer it honestly. He looks back at her giving her his full attention again.

"Good," he answers truthfully, a small smile planted on his face. Life has been good. School is going incredibly well. My job is going better than I could've imagined. Really learning a lot."

"How are things going with Natasha?" The older lady asks.

“Great. Really great," Bucky says with a slightly bigger smile.

"Good. I'm glad to hear that," she smiles back, proud to the see progress James has made since his first visit moths ago.

After the blow up he and Steve had, Bucky fell into a depressive state. He refused to talk to anyone about what had happened. It wasn't until his younger sister Rebecca came to talk to him:

"I get you don't want to talk to any of us about what happened last week," she said as Bucky laid in bed looking out the window, his back facing her, "But you can't just stay in bed, hiding for the world. Starving yourself isn't going to solve anything.

"Sulking is only going to make you worse. It's not healthy, Buck. We're all worried. Ma is incredibly worried. She's barely been eating. I hear her wandering the house at all hours, because she can't sleep."

"You don't want to talk to us, fine. But you need to talk to someone. If not for yourself, but for Ma. Please," she begs, before leaving Bucky alone to ponder what she said.

He knew he wasn't coping the healthy way. He hadn't realized how much he was affecting his family by shutting down. The last thing he wanted to do was worry his mother. So he got himself up, took a shower, ate breakfast with his family. They were surprised to see him come down, but tried not to draw any extra attention to it. Rebecca gave him an understanding nod, which he reciprocated. After breakfast, he began his research. He decided to listen to Rebecca's advice and find someone to talk to someone to help him make sense of what is going on in his mind.

And that's how he ended up in Dr. Abraham's office.

"Have you contacted Steve yet?" She asks.

"No," he answered fiddling with his fingers, "I feel embarrassed about the way I reacted."

"That's normal, James," she assured him, "But in order to repair any damage that's been cost, you need to talk to Steve. To move forward. From what you've told me he's a very understanding person. I'm sure once you've apologized and explain to him the steps you've taken to help your mental health, I'm sure he'd be willing to accept you back into his life."

"I'm not so sure," he looked down at his hands.

"You won't know until you've tried. Listen, I'm not here to tell you what to do or what not to do. I'm just here to help you navigate your thoughts a little better. In a more healthy way. If you're really serious about living a more healthier mental life, I think you should talk to him. You don't want to really throw this lifelong friendship away, do you?"

"No, I don't," he shakes his head.

"Good. Remember to be honest," she tells him, "Vulnerability isn't a bad thing. Your feelings aren't a nuisance. it's how you handle them is what matters. I'm not saying you have to talk to him as soon as you walkout of here. I just want you to start making the notion of doing so. Our time is just about up, how about we do this. Some homework for the week.

"I want you to write a letter to Steve. Bring it in next week, you don't have to read it. But I would like to discuss it. What do you say?"

"Okay, I could do that," he agreed.

Christmas week

Steve and Elizabeth flew back home a few days before Christmas. They put their bags in the trunk of their rental car.

The car ride was silent for awhile, both tired after a long flight, now sitting in traffic on their way back to their parents' place. This would be their first time back to Brooklyn since the whole Bucky situation. The road trip back to California was fun, but there was a looming sadness over Steve. It's not like he regrets standing up to Bucky he doesn't. He just wishes thing would've played out differently. He really wished Bucky would've talked to him before he left back to California.

"How are you feeling about being back?" Elizabeth asks, while they sat in traffic.

"I don't know," Steve sighs, "Feels weird going back home and not talking to Bucky."

"Maybe you should try calling him. It's been a few months. I'm sure he'd be willing to hear you out," she said, rubbing his right arm.

"I don't want to push him," Steve said through gritted teeth, his grip on the steering wheel getting tighter.

Bucky had been a touchy subject the last few months. During the first month Elizabeth would ask Steve if he'd heard from him, the answer always being no, followed by Steve shutting down. After that Elizabeth stopped asking, noticing how much it was affecting Steve, but the constant reminder of it wasn't helping. She knew that if Bucky ever did call, Steve would tell her. The only thing she could do was be patient and be there for Steve whenever he needed her.

The holidays kept everyone busy. On Christmas Eve. Steve spent it with Elizabeth's family at her grandma's house. Elizabeth found herself watching Steve play with her younger cousins, she couldn't help but giggle when they roped him into a tea party. She found herself imagining a future where Steve would do the same with their own children. She quickly shook the daydream away. Reprimanding herself a little for even thinking about kids at their young age.

On Christmas morning Elizabeth and Steve spent it with his parents. It was a nice peaceful day just lounging around in their pajamas. For dinner, Elizabeth's parents went over to have dinner at the Rogers' house. It was a nice little send off dinner for their parents who were leaving for Mexico to spend the New Years for a couples' getaway.

Elizabeth and Steve were heading to the Hamptons to spent NYE with Wanda, Thor, Loki, and Scott. They had planned to have a nice, peaceful trip.

While Steve and Elizabeth were at the Hamptons, Bucky and Natasha were spending their NYE at his family's beach cottage in Port Washington.

They were cuddled on the couch surrounded by take out containers, watching the New Years Eve special waiting for midnight to happen.

Bucky got up about 15 minutes to midnight to grab something from the kitchen. He walked back into the room with a new bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes.

"Got some champagne," he said holding it up for Natasha to see.

"Um," Natasha awkwardly shifted in her seat, "Actually about that."

Bucky looked at Nat confused, putting the bottle and flutes down on the coffee table before sitting back down next to her.

"What's wrong" he asked, grabbing the tv remote to mute the tv, and give Natasha his full undivided attention.

"So there's something I haven't told you," she says looking down at her fidgeting fingers.

"You're worrying me Nat," Bucky said, grabbing her hands to help ease her nerves

She looked up to meet his worry filled eyes.

"I'm pregnant," she announced.

Bucky eyes widen at her announcement, instantly dropping her hands. The look on her face showing she was telling the truth.

"How is that possible?" He asks in disbelief, "We've been so careful. We use double the protection. Condoms and you're on the pill."

"Actually about that," she nervously shifted under his intense gaze, "I haven't been on birth control in a little over two months."

"What?" Bucky yelled, quickly rising from his seat, "What do you mean you haven't been on birth control in a little over two months?"

"I got off of it," she shrugged trying to play it off, "It's my body and I can do what I want with it. And I just wanted to give my body a break, I've been on the pill since I was 15."

"I get it's your body, Natasha, I'm all for you doing whatever you want," he stresses, "but you should've told me. I'm your boyfriend, we have sex frequently. You should've at least had the respect of your sexual partner, letting him know that you were no longer on birth control. So in that case I could've been a tad more careful."

"We were using condoms," she half heartedly defended herself.

"They aren't 100% effective Natasha," he gripped his hair, in complete disbelief over this entire conversation, "You even know that. That also doesn't defend yourself for not telling me. You should've told me."

"I'm sorry. It's not like I was planning for this to happen," she yelled.

Bucky just stared at her like she just grew two heads. How is she not freaking out, he thought. They were clearly way too young for this. Which is why they took precautionary measures.

After a few moments of silence Natasha spoke up, "I'm keeping the baby."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He felt the room closing in on him. He started having a hard time catching his breath.

"James," Natasha quietly said, getting up to check on him. He raised his hand, silently telling her to stay where she's at.

He headed for the back door, the house felt too suffocating for him. He walked through the the small yard to the gate that led to the beach. Stumbling around.

To a stranger they would just think he's drunk. In reality he was just having a panic attack.

It was all too much. His mind was racing.

She's pregnant. With a baby. My baby. I'm going to have a kid. I'm going to be a dad. I'm not ready to be a dad. My dad was shit. God I can't be like my dad. I'm not ready for all of this.

He put his hands on his knees, hunched over trying to catch his breath. But he just couldn't. He did the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his phone and dialed the only person he knew would help.

Steve and Elizabeth were laughing with their friends, waiting for the countdown to begin. Steve felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He moved his shoulder off of the back of the couch, where Elizabeth was cuddled up against.

He pulled his phone out and his heart dropped at the name that appeared. He quickly got up and walked out of the living room and upstairs to the room where he was staying in for the week.

Wanda raised her eyebrow at Elizabeth, who just shrugged her shoulders, equally as confused.

"Bucky?" Steve answered the phone, closing the door behind him. He could hear Bucky hyperventilating on the other side.

"Steve," he tried to get out.

"Buck, what's wrong?" Steve asked, pressing the phone even closer to his ear the sound of everyone downstairs counting down to midnight.

"Steve, I-," Bucky was struggling to get out.

"Buck, please try to calm down," Steve stressed, "Inhale, hold it for a few seconds and then exhale. You need to calm down. I can't help you, if I can't understand you."

Bucky tried his best to calm himself down, with Steve talking him through it.

"Now, can you explain to me what's wrong?" Steve asked, hearing Bucky's breathing leveling out more.

"I-I'm not re-ready Steve," Bucky stutters, sniffling his nose.

"It's okay take your time, I'm here whenever you're ready."

"No, it's Natasha.”

"What's Natasha? Is she okay?" Steve questioned, getting more concerned.

"Yes, she's fi-ine," he stuttered again, trying to say the words.

"Where are you Buck?" Steve asked, looking around for his shoes and keys.

"I'm at the beach cottage."

"I'm in the Hamptons. Is there any way you can meet me back at my place?"

"Yeah, I think I can," Bucky said a bit more calmer now.

"Okay, I'll see you soon."

When midnight struck Elizabeth went upstairs to check on Steve, making sure everything was okay. She could hear him on the phone talking to Bucky, trying to calm him down. She waited outside of the door to give them some privacy.

Twenty minutes later Wanda went to go check on them, to find Elizabeth sitting on the floor.

"Is everything okay?" She whispered.

"I don't know," she answered, "I'm waiting for Steve. You can head back down, I'll be down shortly."

"Okay. We're here if you guys need anything," Wanda said before walking back down.

After another 25 minutes Elizabeth heard Steve hang up the phone. She softly knocked on the door, and let herself in. She walked in to see Steve frantically going around the room collecting his things.

"Steve is everything okay?"

"It's Buck. He called me while he was having a panic attack. Something about Natasha," he tells her.

"Is she okay?"

"I think so. I was able to calm him down. I need to get back home," he said putting his things in his suitcase.

"Okay. I completely understand. Do you want me to go with you for the drive?" She asked.

"I don't want you to have to cut your time here short," he says, feeling guilty for bringing this on her.

"Steve, something is clearly going on with Bucky. I want you to go to him, but maybe it's best if I drove. I haven't had a drink in hours, and you seem too frantic. Please let me help," she pleaded, placing her hand on his stopping him.

Steve looked up and noticed the worry on Elizabeth's face.

"Okay," he gave in, "We'll need to leave as soon as we can."

Elizabeth nodded, quickly grabbing her weekender bag and start shoving things in. If they forgot anything's he knew Wanda would bring it back.

They said their quick goodbyes and were on the road within 5 minutes, with Elizabeth behind the wheel and Steve fidgeting in the passenger seat.

Bucky took a few minutes to himself on the beach, trying to make sure his anxiety was at rest before he headed back inside. When he entered the house, Natasha shot up from her seat.

"Happy New Years," she awkwardly said, trying to cut the obvious tension.

"Umm," Bucky scratched his head looking everywhere but at Natasha, "We need to leave."

"What?"

"I mean, you can stay if you want and I'll pick you up tomorrow," he rephrased, "But I can't stay here. I need to go. Steve is meeting me at his house."

"Steve?" She was taken back by that mention, not expecting to hear Bucky say his name. He hasn't mentioned Steve in months.

"Yeah, I called him," Bucky says rubbing the back of his neck.

"Well that's good right?"

"Yeah, listen. I really need to go, so are you going to stay or come with me?"

"To see Steve?"

"No. I would drop you off at your place," he tells her, "I'm seeing Steve alone."

"Will she be there?"

Natasha didn't really know exactly why Steve and Bucky weren't talking, at first. Then she heard that Steve and Elizabeth were dating, and it all made sense. The only person that could tear Bucky and Steve apart. She never told Bucky that she knew. Figured it wasn't worth the fight. Especially not now when she was carrying his child.

To an outsider it might seem like she got pregnant on purpose, but that wasn't the case. She knew they were too young for this, at least that's what she thought when she first found out about the pregnancy a week ago. But now that she's sat with it she's taking it as a sign that this is meant to happen. She's just really hoping that Bucky would see it, if not now but eventually.

"Listen, Natasha, I don't have time for this," he looks her in the eyes, "Are you coming or not?"

"I'll get my bag," she remarked with a snark tone, walking passed him to their shared room.

A couple of hours later Bucky was pulling up in front of the Rogers' house. 2:15 am read the clock in his car. He looked to his right, out the passenger side window to see a dark figure sat on the front steps of the house.

Bucky took one last breath before exiting the vehicle.

As soon as he opened the front gate Steve stood up from where he was sat on the stairs.

Once Bucky approached him both young men threw their arms around each other. Gripping each other tightly, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. They stayed like that for awhile. Relishing in the comfort of being back in each other's arms. Their silent fight no longer important. All they knew in that moment was everything was going to be okay, because no matter what they'll always have each other.

Steve walked into his parents' living room holding two mugs of coffee. As he rounded the couch, he handed one to Bucky.

"Sorry, if I ruined any of your plans," Bucky apologized, "Tell Elizabeth I'm sorry for taking you away."

'Buck, don't worry about it," Steve waved him off, "She completely understands. And truth be told, I wasn't necessarily feeling in the New Year's mood."

"Yeah," Bucky sighs.

"Do you want to talk about what happened tonight?" Bucky nods his head, placing the coffee mug on the coffee table in front of him. He shifted his body to the left to face Steve.

"She's pregnant," he announces.

"What?" Steve asked, not expecting that to be the reason, he quickly placed his mug next to Bucky's.

"Yeah, my reaction exactly," Bucky said.

"What? How?"

"Apparently Natasha hasn't been on the pill in a couple of months," Bucky explains, "And even though we always used condoms, they aren't exactly 100% effective."

"Did you know she wasn't on the pill?"

"Nope," Bucky tells him, "If I knew I wouldn't been a bit more cautious."

"So she told you she was pregnant?" Steve said getting back to it.

"Yeah. She was so nonchalant about it. Like it was no big deal," Bucky stressed,

"How is she just so calm. We're not prepared for this. I'm not ready for this Steve. I can't be a dad. I don't even know how to be a decent human being."

"That's not true Buck," Steve disagreed.

"Come on Steve, we haven't talked in months, and we both know it's not because you didn't try," Bucky says, "I was so caught up in my own jealousy. And selfishness, that I never even considered your feelings or Elizabeth's. And I don't think I can ever make it up to you for treating you like you're nothing to me."

"You were hurt," Steve tried to excuse.

"Doesn't excuse the way I behaved," Bucky says, "I know that now."

"I've been seeing a therapist," Bucky informs him, "I never realized how much my mental health was taking a toll on those around me. So after our fight, I found someone to talk to. To work through the shit that's going on in my mind."

"How's that been going?" Steve asked.

"Good," Bucky gives a half smile, "Really good. She's good. I've realized a lot about myself that I didn't know. Working through all the issues I've had with my father leaving."

"That's good Buck. I'm proud of you, truly," Steve beamed, patting Bucky on the shoulder.

"I really am sorry for the way I behaved," Bucky repeated again.

"Buck, you really don't have to apologize again," Steve told him.

"I need to Steve," he said, "I can't believe I acted that way. I should've been happy for you and Elizabeth. I'm glad you two have each other. Seriously. I couldn't imagine her with anyone better, same goes for you. I won't cause any more issues for you two. It's not worth not having you in my life. You're my brother Steve, and I don't want to miss anything."

"Thanks, Buck. It really means a lot to me to hear that," Steve smiles, "Because I don't want to miss anything in your life also."

"Yeah, especially now," he says, the reality of why they're there dawning back.

"How are you feeling now about the baby?"

"I don't know, man," Bucky shakes his head, "I'm afraid I'm going to screw this up, like everything else."

"But now you're working on that," Steve reminds him, "And you're not going to be doing this alone. You have people who are always going to be there. I may be in California now, but I'm just a phone call away. You're not alone. But you do have to try Buck. That's all that you can ever do. Try your best, no one's asking you to be perfect, but as long as you're trying your best, that's what's important."

Age: 21 Year: 2015

The sounds of a baby crying woke Bucky up from his sleep in the early depths of the morning. He quietly and quickly got out of bed, making his way to the small New York kitchen to make a bottle.

He walked into the small nursery where the two-month-old baby wailed from hunger.

"It's okay," Bucky shushed gently, picking up the small baby, "Daddy's here."

He adjusted the small baby in his arms before placing the bottle in the baby's mouth.

"There you go," he encouraged the small one, as soon as he heard the sounds of the baby drinking.

Bucky sat down on the chair in the corner of the room, opposite of the crib. He just stared as the newborn drank their bottle, while simultaneously falling asleep. Even though he was completely exhausted, he had never felt more happier. More at peace with where his life was at.

As long as he kept trying his best, he knows he can do this for the rest of his life.

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bumbershots · 4 years ago

Text

LOVEFOOL

Author’s note: HELLO! This is my part for the Valentine’s Day challenge that @1dffchallenges put together. Make sure to keep an eye out for any other pieces published by other authors. Enjoy! And happy Valentine’s weekend! (:

Summary: Harry agrees to go on a blind date set up by his friends in hopes that it will help him move on from an unrequited love.

Word count: 3K

Challenge prompt and dialogue: blind date set up by friends. “I don’t want this to end...”

There’s a first for everything. Harry’s had his fair share of them at the age of twenty-seven. First time on an aeroplane at the tender age of six for a family holiday in Rome. First kiss on his home town’s park with someone he deeply cared about. First time in a recording studio. First time going on tour. The first night spent alone in his new and barely furnished home. The first morning he laid eyes on the girl next door. The ugly heartbreak after she got married, certainly felt worse than his first one.

Life is full of firsts, Harry knows that, and he wishes to have been the first to sneak his way into Jane’s heart, all those years ago.

"You love her" it almost sounds like an accusation coming from Jeff, though the last thing he wants is to make Harry feel guilty. The musician doesn't reply, he shrugs, eyes never leaving her no matter how deep into the ocean she seems to be. "Does she know?" Harry shakes his head in denial. "Did you bring her along just so you could tell her?"

"I enjoy writing music with her, that's why she's here," his tone leaves no room for more questions, the manager knows and sighs defeated. Harry stands from his spot on the beach and heads back inside the house, alone.

Is he being that obvious?

He reviews the past few days and wonders where he slipped, nothing rings any bell. Harry completely and conveniently forgets how he doesn't nag her for having a smoke after dinner, instead he just opens the window and stands close to it, or how he's been making her a cuppa everyday at noon. But it was the time when Jane asked him to help her French plait her hair when something clicked in Jeff's brain, the way Harry beamed at such a simple request left no room for questioning. Yet he asked him, because there was that tiny chance of it all being part of the manager's imagination, but when he looked back on it, the little things now made more sense to him and in a way he always knew.

They've been in Port Antonio for two weeks now and everything was going just dandy, Harry was writing more than ever, the first week he had a new song every day, he even polished the old ones and had a tune for his favourites, thanks to Mitch's help. When Jeff Azoff got there earlier this week, he spent a good two hours talking to Jeff Bhasker about how much of a good idea the trip was.

"Harry is on a writing spree." He complimented Azoff's client, it was nothing but the truth. However the reason for it all, was now heading back to the house to join the others after a good surfing session.

Jane went straight to take a shower, ready to rinse all the ocean's saltiness from her body, thinking how wonderful it would've been if her own worries could be washed away with her tangerine shampoo. In contrast to Harry's good spirits and excellent mood, her own cloud of trouble seemed to follow her all the way from London. She still hadn't heard from her husband, so it is safe to say he was still upset about her going away to work in Harry's album. It was impossible for her to forget the argument they had, at first thinking it was a joke on his side, insinuating that they were ‘shagging behind his back’.

After her shower, wearing comfortable clothes, Jane joins the others for supper but keeps to herself, still with the dichotomy about calling Alex or letting him be. He will eventually come to his senses and apologise.

What if he doesn't?

The thought alone of her clothes being packed in boxes by the time she gets back home almost makes her cry, perhaps she can call or text him just to test the waters. It is ridiculous how she seems to be more mature about this than him.

"Penny for them?" Harry's voice brings her back to the now empty dining room, the voices from the rest of their party can be heard from the living room.

"God I'm sorry H, lost myself out there for a moment," she is embarrassed, with him, the others and herself for letting this situation get under her skin. And she's also avoiding talking about it, with Harry or anyone. "I was just thinking about the tempo for Sweet Creature."

"Liar," he hates to be shut down by her more than anything. "Is it because I didn't let you eat the last peanut drop the other day?" It would've been easier for her to say it was, than to address the actual reason. But Harry hasn't lied to her, ever.

"No love, although I was a bit hurt because of that, it's actually this thing with Alex we are, I don't know, he was upset with me and said some things," Jane couldn't finish, her speech was cut short by a quiet sob and Harry was quick to pull her from the chair onto his lap and hold her tight. His own heart speeding at the sight of her distressed.

"When was the last time you spoke to him?"

"Two weeks ago." Her voice barely whispers on his chest, "he's being a wanker to be honest, just because he's not going on tour with any of his bands I'm supposed to be a stay at home wife!"

"Why don't you explain this to me, from the beginning, please?" He asks rubbing her back soothingly, and she spills it all, the having kids now or never argument, to her wanting to have a proper wedding party and finally the latest fight where Alex suggested an affair going on between her and Harry, the latter had to do his best not to put the option on the table, since her husband so kindly suggested it. Might as well, he thought. "It all sounds like a big misunderstanding, I know you're a great communicator sunshine, so it baffles me that you've let this go on for so long." He's got a point.

"You're right, but I feel like it's his turn, you know?" Jane's done weeping, but remained on her friend's lap and arms, head resting on his shoulder. "He's always forward, mature, a proper thirty year old except when it comes to arguments where we ought to reach an agreement," she plays a bit with the cross hanging from his neck, a scowl on her pretty face. "Like with the children thing, we only stopped arguing when I said that maybe in two more years we could have one instead of, you know, my early thirties." It's good that she can't see how upset Harry is.

"You gave into that one, he should do the same but it's his choice," Harry sighs and can't believe what he's about to say. "Take the day off tomorrow, call him or FaceTime, Skype whatever you choose, but have a proper conversation with him." She wants to argue and say it's not necessary to be absent the whole day, she can spare a few hours. But she will need time to think about what to say, make her point clear so they are on good terms until she goes back to London.

"Fine, but if he is still acting like a dickhead afterwards, I'm not going to let it into my head anymore, we will continue to bask in this great work environment going on here." Jane states, pulling away from his embrace just enough to give him that stern look she uses when trying to make a point, and Harry nods with a warm smile, the one she never gets tired of seeing. "I'll call it a night now, gonna be asleep in seconds now that I've got that out of my chest." She stands from his lap, missing his warmth instantly. "Thanks for that."

"Anytime honey pie." Harry says before leaving a kiss on her left hand that burns her skin from then till morning.

Jeff joins the musician in the dining room right after the girl walks away to her room, he takes a seat across from him and scrutinises the look of adoration his friend still sports once she is out of the room.

"She'll never know, if you never tell her." Jeff is right, but the thought alone of going through that again scares him to death. Or so he says, because there's a part of him that is fond of the thrill it makes him feel.

"It's not like I haven't tried, just last year I told her," Harry remembers that night vividly, how pretty she looked even with her makeup all smudged under her eyes. "I'm not sure if she heard, it was too loud like where we were at the time." He was also pissed out of his mind.

"H, there's nothing wrong with being in love."

"I'm not saying it is, but even if she did love me I– I would find a way to hurt her. Anyway. she's happily married now, it's too late." Saying it out loud doesn't hurt him any less like he thought it would. Harry sighs in defeat before rising from the chair, "she's everything to me, I wouldn't mess with her head by confessing my feelings, deep down I always knew she deserved better and now she has it and that's good enough for me." The musician disappears through the corridor where his everlasting love did just a few minutes ago, he paused for a moment outside her room, pondering whether to barge in and just follow his instincts, kiss her like he should've done after winning that award back in 2014.

Harry shakes his head and goes straight to his room, he reminds himself that it was time to let her go. It's for the best. He is not good enough for her, he can't even write a song for her, about her. He mustn't love her that much then.

What Harry doesn't know is that he can't write a song about her because he loves her too much, the poor lad can't even figure out where to start. But he's about to get rid of that curse in a day or two, he just needs to be patient.

The reward for it came, all of a sudden Harry wrote too many songs about her until she inevitably became aware of the situation they were in. Harry vowed to stay away from Jane’s life after recording the album. He dated people that didn’t remind him of her, and even moved temporarily to Japan. But despite all his efforts, four years later Harry still finds himself thinking about her, everything seems to be tainted by her. The music he adores, the new dinner recipes he cooks, the books he chooses to read.

Completely out of options he agreed to this blind date his friends set up for him.

He arrives at the modest restaurant they so kindly chose for the occasion. “All you have to do is wear something nice and show up.” Alexa reminded him over the phone last week.

This is a new first for him, it is also exciting, to take a seat at a table for two conveniently placed at the back, pretend to pay attention to the menu but let his green eyes avert to whoever approaches. Harry is having a great time, he knows that soon his date will arrive. He wonders what they’ll be like.

According to Alexa and Pixie, the person arriving is the perfect match for their young friend. Harry can only hope they like Vietnamese cuisine because that’s apparently this place’s special offer this week. If he’s lucky enough the date will agree to share a starter and perhaps two main courses, that way he doesn’t have to choose between one or the other.

“Here’s your table.” Harry hears the waiter speak and his gaze meets a very familiar figure standing beside him. It can’t be.

“Excuse me, there must be a mistake, I’m waiting for someone else.” Harry protests.

The waiter shakes his head and shows him the notepad with some specifications written down. “Nothing wrong, got specific instructions from Miss Chung, a lady will come in to say is here for Geldolf’s blind date, you are sitting at the table they reserved. I’ll be back in a few minutes to take your order.” He is quick to explain and disappear.

Jane sits because there is no way she can stand any longer, her legs are about to give out from the commotion. This was not the blind date she was expecting either. It’s been at least four years since she last saw Harry. The night after he finally admitted being in love with her, waiting for a reaction, anything from her, after what seemed like hours but was only ten minutes later, he walked out of her house and entire life, leaving her confused and upset.

“How’ve you been?” she asked after confirming that Harry wasn’t going to up and leave.

“Pretty fantastic, until you arrived.” He’s never spoken to her like that before, with so much affliction in his tone. “What are you doing here?”

“I was set up on a blind date by Pixie—

He interrupts her. “That’s fucking convenient, did you all went to this much trouble, just to mock me? I thought they were my friends, you know, that even after everything, they cared about me.” Harry stops, his voice breaks, he’s so angry, hurt and confused by the situation. “Did your husband come along, to witness my humiliation too?” He looks around, trying to find the man of Jane’s dreams.

“I wouldn’t know if he’s here, haven’t seen him since we got divorced three years ago.” She snaps before hiding behind the menu from a gobsmacked Harry.

The words he’d been waiting to hear were finally out of her mouth. Unlike the million times he dreamt about this happening, Harry is not sweeping her off her feet and running away into the sunset holding her hand. Instead he reaches out to touch her arm, testing the waters. He waits for her to lower the menu and surprisingly there are no tears in her eyes. Perhaps only a bit of sorrow that is quickly replaced with confusion, at how fast her heart raced after Harry’s touch.

“Do you want to talk about it?” His voice is back to oozing the tenderness he reserves just for her. Jane nods.

“But can we share a rice bowl and Pho noodle soup?”

“Yes, and dessert too!” Even after four years Harry’s sweet tooth hasn’t changed, Jane sighs before the waiter is back to take their order.

Keeping a conversation between the two of them is not hard at all, even if it is an awkward topic —her not so recent divorce. “We didn’t have anything in common anymore, there were so many fights every single day. When I finally suggested the separation, he seemed relieved and I felt like a complete fool.” Jane remembers the sigh of comfort that came out of the man she once loved with all her heart before that rainy afternoon, when she finally decided that she’d had enough. “He left that night, hadn’t seen him since, his lawyer took care of everything,” a sour laugh escapes her lips, Harry’s eyes are full of sympathy for her. “I’m sorry for ruining your blind date, I know you’ve never been to one before.” Of course she did, she knows him better than anyone.

“This has to be the greatest date I’ve ever been to.” He speaks without a second thought.

All those years Harry spent away from Jane were not going to be in vain. He was not going to neglect the feelings he still had for her. That affection he felt for her, only her. Harry shifts in his seat, this is not at all how he planned it, in a restaurant full of people on fucking Valentine’s day. It almost seemed like a tacky move.

But after all this time of pining for her, hating her and himself at times. Harry was brave enough, it was now or never, he didn’t want to wait any longer, not after his friends schemed and executed this soppy plan to bring the two soulmates together. Before she could take the final bite of dessert that Harry kindly left for her. The world stopped.

“I don’t want this to end...” Harry says with a dimpled smile she can’t look away from. “I’d like to take you out on a second date, a third, fourth, fifth. Believe me when I tell you, I have planned up to a thousand of them.” He takes her hand in his and can feel her pulse race along his own. The smile splits his face again, because he knows, he feels, he sees it in her beautiful eyes. “Janey, you’re the first person I’ve ever wanted to hold on to. I know there is a name for this emotion, I’ve written songs about it, but now I don’t think it’s a word big enough for us.”

She squeezes his hand and breaths out a laugh, tears of joy brimming out of her eyes. “Let’s call it love, until we come up with a better name for it.” Harry agrees and just then, Jane brings up his hand to her lips.

His skin tingles where she kisses him for the first time and he beams at her.

There’s a first for everything, and although it feels like it for Jane and Harry, this isn’t by any means the first time they confess their love for each other. It was always there, in every laugh they shared, every song they wrote together, every touch. It was on Harry’s unwavering devotion, on his impatience and selfless actions throughout the years.

They were bound to be together, their story didn’t begin on that initial blind date, it did years ago after he caught a glimpse of her shiny black hair on the morning she moved into the house across the street.

Harry drives her back to her new flat on the other side of the city, enjoying every minute of the long ride, happy to hear her ramble about her newest obsession with romantic novels and burst out laughing after Jane confesses that sometimes she doesn’t finish reading books she likes, just to pretend the story keeps going. With a quick kiss to the back of her hand he completely agrees.

No tale is more compelling than one that never ends.

#1dffvalentine #harry styles

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bodyswapmischief · 5 years ago

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Jiggalo In Trouble

Well, I don't fucking know what to do. You see ... this isn't my body. This morning I was a hairy, obese, 50 year old man. Not, this muscled, latino, bad boy you see now.

You could say my life was pathetically tragic. I grew up in a time and place where I couldn't be myself. I was gay but, stayed deep in the closet. I even forced myself to marry a woman and have 3 beautiful children. I had a decent life and most days I was happy. But, I always knew I was lying to the ones I love. Yet, I knew the truth could never come out. I had to live the rest of my life playing a straight man.

But, there was always one thing on my bucket list. I wanted to have a sex with a man. Just once, and I could die happy. I tried many times, with gay dating apps, but I always chickened out at the last minute.

But, then the opportunity showed itself. I was selected by my boss to go to Las Vegas, for a work related convention. I would be the repsentive for this branch at some booths, panels, and meetings that were going to happen.

It didn't seem to stressful. Working for the company for so long, I knew I would be able to handle it. But, what I was really excited for was the possibilites. "Whatever happens in Vegas; stays in Vegas."

So, I get there and I work at the convention. It was okay. I met some cool people. I networked. But, the long days always left me tired. I had no time or energy to look for a fast one night stand. Or maybe that was just an excuse for me chickening out again. Outside of the convention, I just spent my time eating at th hotels buffet and watching TV in my hotel room.

As the paid trip was coming to an end, I had a free day all to myself. It started off the same. I went to the buffet and ate till I was full. Then I waddled back to my room. Looking through my suitcase, I saw my special clothes I packed. In case I did manage to get the courage to do a one stand, I pack some leather gear. I sighed disappointed in myself for chickening out.

But, a thought popped in my mind. I might not have the courage to have sex with a stranger. But, I could walk around the casino dressed up as a fat leather daddy. I put on the tight leather pants. I put on a plain white shirt and leather vest. I looked at the mirror and smiled. Finally, I could express myself. I put on the rest of my gear and sighed. My heart was racing. And then I opened my hotel room door.

No one was around so, I walked into the elevator. Through the sound of my heartbeat, I was screaming inside my mind. "What the FUCK am I doing." As the elevator went down people started getting in. I wanted to cry, I was so embarrassed. But, nobody said anything. No one laughed or said something mean. Some people even smiled at me. I began to relax. I began to feel happy and maybe even sexy.

It felt like the stars aligned. And maybe they did. I went to see some shows. I ate at the buffet. I got compliments from guys. I got some numbers and some invites to clubs. I even danced with some guys at a leather bar. But, I knew I wasn't going to take the next step. I was still scared. And, it was getting late. With beer in my stomach and altering my mind. I stopped at the slot machines and put a coin in, before going to my room. And, luck really was on my side. As the machine lit up, it announced I won the 20,000 dollar grand prize. I was still drunk. Staff and other people surrounded me. They were cheering and giving me balloons, a crown, and the check to collect my winnings when I was ready.

I got up, still tipsy, and stumbled a little bit. People laughed and cheered little bit. The staff slide the check into my vest pocket. "Don't worry I got him." A hot young man came to myside. He used his strength to help me stand. He had tattoos on his arms. He was wearing a tight shirt and pants. A gold chain hung from his neck.

Everyone dispersed as this Latin stud led me to the elevator. "Okay, Papi, what room are you in." To drunk I just handed him my key card. He lead me to my room and laid me on the bed. He started taking off my clothes. I don't fight back. In my drunk mind this is the fantasy I always wanted. "Okay big boy, it looks like your going to get luck again tonight."

I can't see over my giant stomach but, I could feel him take off my pants then underwear. Suddenly, I felt him push my fat pad and start sucking my dick. He started off slow and I moaned with pleasure. He kept sucking using his tongue to play with the head of my penis. My breathing became heavier and the pleasure starts to sober me up. I felt my dick about to burst with cum. I tried to warn him but he ignores me. And, I shoot my load into his mouth. I gasped in ecstasy.

Suddenly, I felt a dick in my mouth. My mouth is covered with semen, as the dick keep pulsating with cum. I swallowed what I could and then took it out of my mouth. Right in front of me was a familiar sight. I saw my penis surrounded by my fatty pelvic region. From this outside perspective I could see how fat I really was? I look down and saw that I'm in the young man's body. My dick was rock hard and my body was now lighter and stronger. Adrenalin rushed through my muscles. Tattoos covered the body.

My body finally started talking, "Like what you see?"

"What did you do to me ... to us?"

"You see I'm a juggalo and I saw you ... a man who needed to get lucky, if you know what I mean. And, after tonight's big win down stairs I know you have the money to pay me."

"But... but.... I'm in your body and you ..."

"Oh, I have a fetish. I like giving men the opportunity to be me. I mean look at you now you are stud. You are turned on just by being in that body. Just existing in that body is orgasmic for you. So, that makes sex so much better, at least for me. And, then experiencing new bodies is always fun. I haven't been in a person this fat in awhile. And your breast are so sensitive. Oh, and this tight asshole. What do you say do you want to fuck yourself, with my body."

My old body spreaded its legs, revealing its asshole. My dick was raging hard. I slowly inserted my long dark dick. It felt so good. I started going a little faster. I watch as the muscles in my caramel body flexed and relaxed. The whole experience was hot. I started touching my old body the way I knew I liked to be touched.

"Fuck this is so good. Faster, faster, faster." My old body cried out. Feeling the strength of the muscled body, I go full speed. Both of our bodies were sweating, panting, moaning. Then everything stopped, as we both cummed.

We laid side by side, a big smile on my face. My old fat body started kissing my buff chest and then up my neck. "Let me freshen up, and then it's my turn to fuck you." He whispered sexually.

I watched as he struggled to get to his feet and then as he waddled to the bathroom. I laid there exploring my new body. My dick already getting hard from my excitement.

Then, I heard the front room door open. A man with a gun walked in.

"Fuck Enrique! Cover up or something." My heart racing, I grabbed a blanket and put it over my naked body. "Good, now this is you last fucking chance. The boss wants his money and necklace back"

"You ... you ... I'm... um." I try to talk but I can't think straight. The man walked closer and grabbed me by the neck. He started choking me. I tried to fight back. But, then he grabs me by the balls. He starts squeezing them. The pain is intense, I lay still. "Good now talk or I ripped out your prized possessions." He says as he pulls out a blade.

Then from the corner of my eye, I saw my old body enter the room. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Ryan leave him alone. It's me Enrique. He has nothing to do with this."

The man on top of me looks over his shoulder. "Really!? Your in that fatass. I guess it suits you for being such a pig in the first place." He laughed. "So, where's the boss's money."

"Here, I have part of it here. This guy just won it big downstairs. And, with access to his memories, I have access to his bank accounts." Enrique smiles.

The man begins to aim his gun at Enrique. "What ... what are you doing. I ... I have the money." Enrique starts to panic.

"What is your name," the man motions to me. "Andrew," I nervously replied. The man turns his attention back at Enrique. "No you don't have the money. You have Andrew's money. The boss is fucking tired of your shit. God! I've been waiting to do this for so long," with that last word Enrique, in my body, was shot in the head. Blood splattered on the wall and was quickly pooling on the floor. I saw in shock as my old body laid thier lifeless. What the fuck was going to happen, now.

The man walks to me and I prepare for the worst. Instead, he just ripped the golden chain from my neck. "Well it looks like it your lucky day. You got an upgrade on your body.." He said, as he looked down at me. "Don't worry about your old life. There is no going back now. I'll make sure your wife and kids get what you saved in your bank and I'm pretty sure the boss will throw a little extra."

"S ... so your just going to let me go?," I asked.

"Yeah, why not? You didn't do anything wrong., besides cheating. But, we've all been there. Plus, that body has made a lot of enemies so, you won't exactly have a peaceful life. Don't get me wrong the boss will spread the word of what really happened to Enrique, but some people just really like seeing the actual body dead. So, take your winnings and find some small town to lay low and start a new life."

A new life, one that was in constant danger. This seemed more like a punishment, but in a way I guessed I deserved it. I could never go back to my old life. I knew at this point there was no use in protesting. "What about him I pointed to my dead body."

."Oh, he was a pig in life. Now he's being tortured as a fatass in hell. But, if you are talking about the body; well we have people who will take care of that. So, I recommend leaving as soon as possible."

The man patted me on the back and started to leave. "Good luck with your new life. But, if things get to out of hand for you or you are in desperate need for a job give me a call." He places a business card on the desk, before he leaves.

Now, I'm sitting here. Memories flood my mind. I saw every bad thing this body did. Using that necklace, the man took, to rob people of everything they owned, even killing people in the process. I looked at my hands, then my arms, and then my muscular torso. I had my dream body, but at what cost. I look at this memories with disgust, I knew that I wasn't capable of those acts. But, it didn't matter, the memories felt so real.

I hear a buzzing sound and snap back to reality. I start putting on Enriques clothes and feel a cell phone. It buzzes again. LAST WARNING: Destroy this phone and get out of there now!. I easily snap the phone in half and submerge the broken pieces into a nearby glass with water. I take the the business card and walked out of the room. I didn't know where I was going. I just knew Las Vegas was no longer safe for me. I need to get some where far and collect my thoughts about what the fuck happened.

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xxisxxisxxis · 5 years ago

Text

La fin

Inspired by this ask.

Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship

I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another.

"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.

"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases.

"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles.

"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs.

"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready."

"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.

"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.

"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry."

"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex.

"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.

"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states.

"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face.

"Oh my God." He chuckles.

"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods.��

"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."

We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera.

"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh.

"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now."

"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state.

"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs.

"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop.

"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity.

"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have."

"No, we haven't."

"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."

"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.

"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."

"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too."

"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?

He lets out a breath before thinking a moment.

"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."

"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"

"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki.

"What?" I ask him.

"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides.

"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs.

"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other.

"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."

"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle.

"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'"

Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear.

"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds.

"In his writing." I confirm.

"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.

"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy."

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.

"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little.

"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt.

"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips.

"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe."

"I'm just saying." Duff tells us.

"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling."

"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment.

"And house payments."

"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something.

"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?"

"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'."

"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds.

"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that."

"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct.

"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened."

"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all."

"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.

"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."

"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods.

"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains.

"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her."

"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?"

I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away.

"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced."

His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head.

"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral."

"Yeah." He rubs his lips together.

"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.

"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up."

"Yes." I nod, not even arguing.

"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:

"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?"

"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic, or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did."

"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?"

He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.

"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me.

"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain.

"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds.

"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him.

"Okay." He tells me, listening intently.

"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time."

"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.

"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere."

"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did."

"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears.

"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.

"I love you, too."

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#gateway drug

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abunchofbadchoices · 6 years ago

Text

Michael's Song

HSS Michael x MC (Jordan) in Midnight Sun AU

*Disclaimer: Most of the lines and scenes I got from the movie the Midnight Sun and all the rights belongs to the creators and writers, as well as the characters from PB. This is merely a converted fan fiction*

Part Seven

They let their feet guide them to wherever they go. The town is silent, but not in a creepy silence kind of way. Just the kind of quiet when you can able to clear your mind and feel at least a bit of peace.

Somehow, the two of them ended up by the shipyard which is, of course, empty at midnight. His uncle's boat was located to the private area, where most luxury boats and yachts are place. Michael got them in without problem as he had access to the gates and together, they walk down the path and passed by different kinds of boats.

The wind is cool, but not too freezing. Jordan's wavy blonde hair gets blown by the breeze from time to time but not enough to mess it. She looks at the dark sky, eyes closed in bliss as she inhale the fresh salty breeze coming from the sea.

Michael had been recording their little trip with his digital camera. Then smiles at the sight of happiness on her face, glad to have brought her to the place he goes to when he needs some peace, so he made sure it was all caught in the cam.

"I-I don't get it." Jordan suddenly turns to face him and the camera, blushing. "How could they just take your scholarship away?"

Ah, yes. Their latest topic of conversation : College. Michael brought her up to speed about what he has been doing, about football and about wanting to go into filming, when she noticed him recording the party earlier.

It was rare for him to tell a story, much less something that has left a bitter taste in his mouth, but there was something about Jordan that makes it easy to open up a little.

He paused the camera and looks down as they walk, his left shoulder suddenly feels like tingling at the memory. "Well, I had to have a surgery, and they didn't think I could ever play again. No more scholarship meant no more Berkeley. It was probably my only choice of place to go to, away from here."

Jordan nods slowly, understanding etched on her beautiful face. "I'm really sorry."

"Yeah."

He feels sorry for himself too, if he wasn't too busy thinking how he brought it all to himself, or how he was fooled by his so-called friend.

"So, how did you do it?" She asks deliberately, in a careful yet soft voice. "How did you hurt yourself?"

"It was just a freak accident. You know, I fell down some stairs and... that's not true." Michael paused, then stops to look her in the eye. He wants to see it in those innocent green orbs as soon as he tells her the truth. He wants to see the same judgemental gleam everyone gives him when they hear about it. "That's kind of what I tell everybody."

Jordan knits her eyebrows, an indication that she was being thoughtful and sympathetic. But she stays quiet and let him continue.

"I got really drunk one night at my friend Brian's house. It was his birthday and we're all having a drinking game, just the school team. We all agreed he can give all the dares and well... He dared me to jump off the roof into the pool. I clipped the edge with my shoulder." He let out a humorless chuckle, remembering his father's raging disappointment. His coach's regretful voice when he told him he can no longer play. "I'm such an idiot. I don't wanna be that guy, you know?"

A few steps passed. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Jordan look up at him with a gentle smile. She shakes her head. "Then don't be."

That was all he needed to hear. He hates long talks about having faith and listening to fake promises that everything is going to work itself out.

There, Jordan doesn't seem to feel the need to promise or reassure him, she knows it was all out of their hands. It was her calming presence that gives all the reassurance he needed.

"You know," she starts. "My mom used to take me here when I was little."

"Really?" He smiles.

It was the first bit of personal story she ever shared that night. Jordan is a big mystery, giving very little information about herself or what she does every day. All she ever told him was that she isn't available during the daytime and as much curious as he is, he never asks 'cause he trusts her to tell him at some point.

Jordan points to a spot by the harbor, a huge cleared space overlooking the sea. "She sat me right... there. And, um, she tried to teach me how to play the guitar. Actually, this watch was hers." The girl held up her wrist, where a gold watch was wrapped and complementing her pale flawless skin. "I spent so much time looking at this thing on her hand, and..." Her smile turns wistful. "Uh, she died when I was little. She was in a car accident."

"I'm... I'm so sorry," Michael frowns, worried he had totally blew their night off. "You know, we can go someplace--"

"No. No, no." Jordan shakes her head quickly. "No, I'm...I'm good. "

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah. I promise."

Michael offers his hand. "You wanna see something cool?"

His uncle's boat was only a few meters down the pathway so Michael lead the girl to the private sailing boat where he practically spends all his time since summer starts.

"Ta-da!" He spreads his arms, jumping on board which sways gently on its spot.

Jordan's eyes widen. "This is yours?"

"No. But it's something I'm taking care of for the summer. It's a Jespersen 53."

"Wow..."

Michael reached out and she let him help her up to the deck as well. He watched her balancing awkwardly on her feet and smirks. "One of these days we could take her for a sail around the harbor. We can watch the sun set."

Jordan holds onto a metal support beam and smiles up at Michael. But the last sentence he uttered just registered in her mind and suddenly, she felt a huge lump on her throat.

Michael wants to go on sailing with her to watch the sunset. Out on the sea. It was probably the most romantic idea she ever heard if only she can be able to make it come true.

Which is impossible, unless she wants to achieve a grade-A cancer that will probably wipe off any chance of ever going to sailing ever again. Jordan pretends to watch the sea. She doesn't want Michael to see that she can never go with him on those trips. Not as long as there is sunlight involved. Hell, he doesn't even know what the main problem is.

Just tell him, dammit! Her mind and conscience keeps on scolding her.

No, no. She can't... She doesn't want to. What if Michael starts seeing her more like a fragile sick creature than the funny awkward Jordan he had always known?

"That sounds... perfect." She says instead.

Michael leans down from the elevated deck he is standing on and press his lips softly on her. Jordan reaches up and put his hands on his shoulder, pulling him closer as she responded to the gentle kiss in a deliberate manner.

You see, Jordan had never kissed anyone before, not this way. Surely, those kisses all over Maria's face that she used to give her when she feels like annoying her wouldn't have counted.

It feels like forever, their lips melting to each other like they were meant to be that way. A smile tugs the corner of her lips and when they pulled away, Michael has the same smile on his face.

▪️▪️▪️

Luckily, the pickup truck decided to die just a house away from the Lee's house.

The engine rumbled and groaned before completely stalling in the middle of the road. Michael fumbled on the steering wheel. "Um, just, let me get out of..."

He tries once more, there was a brief groan then the engine died all over again. Jordan grinned, studying the guy's face which looks a bit redder than usual. Oh, he's embarrassed. It only makes her smile for more.

"Sorry." He says, sounding sheepish but not at all surprised.

They sit in silence for a few awkward moments. Jordan bites her lip. "So, what are you gonna do this year, now that you're not going to Berkeley?"

"Well, first I'm gonna get a new truck." Michael quipped. They chuckle. "Or not, I have my motorcycle anyway. And then I'm gonna drive across the country. You know, I've been in the football field my entire life and I haven't get to see much else, so..." He looks at her, noting the downcast look on her face. The beautiful smile gone. "Um, what are you gonna do--"

"I'm not doing anything." Jordan says immediately, shaking her head. "I'm just gonna take some online courses, I think. But... I'll just be here." I cannot leave anyway, she wanted to add. I cannot go across the country or have vacation under the sun...like a normal girl.

"I, uh... I meant what are you doing tomorrow?" Michael clarified. The shock on the girl's face made him laugh.

"Oh, God..." She slapped her forehead, but she is also laughing. A hint of hesitation passed through her face for a second. "Um... I... I'm busy during the day, but I can be free tomorrow night."

"That's perfect. I'll see you tomorrow night?"

"Okay." Jordan flashed him with her signature beam before jumping out the door. She made it a few feet away before she stopped as if she forgot something and run back to the window. "I have something to tell you." Concern filled his chest at the look of panic in her eyes. She sighed heavily then let out a guilty smile. "I don't actually have a hamster."

Michael grinned, not at all surprised. In fact he didn't even try hide it. "No shit."

As if satisfied, the girl waved her hand then run to her house.

From the inside, Scott watched his daughter get off a blue pick-up truck. He glances at his watch and sees it was almost three in the morning. A couple more hours and Jordan might have reach the morning sunlight.

This was exactly what Dr. Maddox had warned him about. The age when his daughter will no longer be contained inside the house and meet people that will trigger some issue on her condition.

The truck isn't Maria's. Jordan didn't went home with her best friend just like what they always talked about.

He couldn't help but feel threatened.

▪️▪️▪️

That morning, Maria lies on Jordan's bed, with the latter has been using her stomach as a pillow while she strummed lazily on her guitar.

It was moments like this that she feels closer to the blonde. No parties, no other friends... No Michael. Just the two of them having a lazy morning with no plans to think about.

Last night had been the first time Maria really enjoyed a wild party. She threw caution to the wind and let herself lose, probably had drunk more alcohol than she ever had her entire high school years. It was also a bonus fun that Jordan adjusted rather quickly to the party and managed to gain some more friends.

And today, well, they have nothing to do.

A beep sounded from her phone and Maria put down her book. She opened the message and smirk at joke that was sent to her.

Jordan glances up, eyes narrowing suspiciously. She had noticed Maria had been texting a lot that morning. "Who are you texting?"

"No one." The dark-haired girl casually turns of the screen and dump her phone.

"Maria..." She put her guitar on the side of the bed and shifts on the bed to face her friend. "Who are you texting?"

Maria closes her eyes and winced at her soft voice then whispers almost inaudibly. "Caleb."

"Um? I can't hear you when you're whispering..."

"Caleb!" She repeated. Somehow she feels guilty for the other things that happened in the party. It is true that alcohol makes people lose control sometimes. "I made out with Caleb!"

Maria groans, face completely red as she buries her face on the pillows in shame. At some point during the night, in the middle of the dance floor, she and Caleb ended up dancing on a particularly sexy song. Then stuffs happen. After that Maria felt like getting sick because Caleb isn't exactly the one she was thinking off during their...uh, moment.

She tried looking for Jordan, but neither her best friend nor Michael were nowhere in the party. So she rushed to get home by herself.

Now, Caleb had been texting her all morning. However rude it might be, Maria admitted she wasn't attracted to him as she is already liking someone. Which led to the guy teasing her and coercing her to tell him who the lucky person is.

"No!" Jordan cooed, but her chuckles betrayed her voice. "He's really really really cute. And he totally likes you."

Maria stayed buried on the pillows and after a few minutes, she felt arms wrapping around her and cuddling her. The blonde nuzzles on the back of her neck, which tickles but she tried to ignore it.

"By the way," Jordan speaks close to her ear, her breathe sending shivers down her neck. "Can I tell my dad that I'm going over to your house tonight, so I can go hangout with Michael?"

What??

In a micro-second, Maria is sitting on her butt and looking at her best friend pointedly. "You're asking me to help you lie to your father so you can hang out with a guy?"

Jordan pouts.

"Ugh. I'm telling him you'll be having a sleepover to my house." She conceded anyway. She is totally powerless when it comes to pouts.

▪️▪️▪️

#playchoices #choices #high school story #hss #hss book 1 #hss book 2 #hss book 3 #maria flores #michael harrison #michael x mc #caleb mitchell #maria x mc

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