#god i hate being unemployed and i hate job seeking so much it hurts

[theflyingfeeling]

stupid stupid stupid stupid I am so fucking stupid

(LONG rant in the tags. originally a little longer still but apparently there were too many tags so tumblr deleted the rest lol)

[infjabberwocky]

imagine if she was on something...

ARCHIVE FROM SEPTEMBER 8, 2019

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since.

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return.

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

[sarahtrivino]

20 20

I welcomed 2019 with an anxious heart. The year 2018 wasn’t exactly good to me so I prayed and hoped 2019 will be little better. Cheers to hoping 2019 will be for us! was how I ended my first entry back then. I was hopeful, yes, but anxious. 

The first months weren’t easy. It did not get better like how I wished it would be. I felt more lost, confused, and even hurt. My head was in a bad place. I was breathing and working and accomplishing but I didn’t feel like I was living. I wasn’t doing much but I felt so so so tired. I was longing for something else. I was desperate to escape. I knew I was broken so I tried so hard to hold all my pieces together. Maybe it’s the reason why I constantly felt so tired. On my own I struggled to hold it all together. March came and I was admitted at the hospital for several days. My physical self started giving up on me too is what I thought. I was on the edge. 

Then came this retreat I was forced to attend. I used “forced” because I didn’t want to go at first but it was one of the best decisions I have made yet. I’m so thankful I went. It was where I learned to let go and surrender. I kept trying to hold my pieces together when God reached out both His hands and said  “My child, give them to me. I got you, remember?” I was shattered. I remembered praying “Lord, if the only way to make me whole again is to break me, then break me Lord.” You know what, He did. It didn’t hurt, though. With my heart and both hands raised, I surrendered. I finally let go - of all my worries, fears, pain, doubts, hate, and guilt. I felt free. I was free.

I wasn’t instantly better. “Healing is a process” I kept reminding myself. I had to be patient because I knew it would be a long journey. The next days were tough but unlike before I did not feel like I was doing it alone. I did not have to hold myself together anymore. The Lord held me. He still does and He will always be holding me.

In September, I decided to quit my job. Not because of my boss, colleagues, or even my responsibilties. I left because I wanted to rest in God. I wanted to fully embrace my healing process. I wanted to pause. I wanted to seek God more. I wanted to know myself deeper.

After a few days, I left for Malaysia to do volunteer work for 6 weeks. It was my first time to go somewhere that far without any family or friend with me. At first I was hesitant but God’s Word reassured me of His promise and truth. I knew He was with me.

Being alone in a foreign land for more than a month, I learned so much. About myself, my country, my World, and my God. I have discovered my strengths and learned about my weaknesses too. It was a beautiful experience of being totally dependent on God and His Word.

In November, I came back and faced my reality: I am 24 with no job. I didn’t even have any savings to start with. I was still anxious but at the same time confident. Since then, I have been spending more time with my family, and the people who truly cares for me. My joy in serving in different ministries was also restored. I was occupied with too many activities yet it all felt like rest. 

I don’t know much about you but I know you might have been struggling for quite some time too. It will probably get worse and you might want to give up. But I want to encourage you with this: If there’s one thing 2019 has really taught me, it’s surrender. Let it go. You don’t have to try so hard anymore. In fact you don’t even have to try at all. With arms raised and heart surrendered, you will find rest in the Lord as I have. That’s guaranteed. He said it Himself.

There were still sad days for me, I believe there will always be. But now I no longer have to dwell in it. I no longer have to believe that I am not meant for great things. I no longer have to think that I am a hopeless case. I get anxious but now I am also confident. Not because of me but because of the God who holds me.

Now I am unemployed with no certain source of income. My friends are getting engaged/marrried and yet I am not even close to being in a relationship. Some girls my age are in their strongest and most fit when it comes to their physical bodies and yet I’m still trying to resist that second cup of rice. I don’t even know what path to take next but I am choosing to stay under God’s cover. I am trusting His will. I am surrendering.

As we welcome 2020, I declare the Lord’s blessings and favor over my life and yours. Aren’t you excited? I surely am!!! I know for sure God is doing something even greater this year. I believe and claim it. I hope you do too.

[cringeater]

imagine if she was on something...

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since. 

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return. 

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

[onceandfuturekiki]

I talked about it a few days ago, but I’ll expand on it a bit more.

Gabriel over the White House is a film from 1933, the depths of the Great Depression, that portrays a president who turns the US into a fascist dictatorship as a hero. It was financed by power hungry business men like WR Hearst

To understand this film, it’s incredibly important to understand the state of the nation in the 1930s. Prior to Roosevelt, who had yet to be elected when this film went into production, two of the three previous presidents had very much been ineffectual. Warren G. Harding was corrupt and had ties to corrupt businessmen, criminals, and so on. He was one of the first presidents to have quite so public an administration of “cronyism”. Hoover was very much a “hands off” president, especially when it came to the increasingly dwindling economy and the developing Depression. Many Americans saw the Depression as being at least in part, if not entirely the fault of the kind of presidents that had been voted into office since the beginning of the 1920s.

And the country was in the midst of the worst Depression in its history. Unemployment rates were devastating. Homeless rates were staggering. There were multiple states and cities that were designating public land as places where homeless people could set up and live. 

But there were a lot of rich people who weren’t impacted in any significant way. The Depression made the gap between classes more astronomical that it had ever been.

At the time, fascism became surprisingly popular in the US. It was common for various news publications to feature articles about the benefits of fascism. The perception was that the government was filled with ineffectual and corrupt privileged people who weren’t impacted by the Depression and who had no idea what it was like for the people who were, and who had no interest in doing anything to help unless it also helped line their pockets. So fascism grew in popularity, with a lot of people thinking that what the country needed was an all-powerful leader who would get rid of the corrupt people in the government and do whatever was needed to fix the economy and save the country.

And, of course, people’s trouble and fear made them easy to manipulate. People like William Randolph Hearst, one of those people who was so wealthy and wasn’t significantly impacted by the Depression, was great at this. He said what people wanted to hear and manipulated them into supporting the notion of an all powerful leader. His intent, and the intent of others like him, was of course to have that all powerful leader be one of their ilk.

Sound familiar?

That’s what was happening in the country when WR Hearst and Louis B. Mayer, among others, decided to put out the blatant propaganda piece Gabriel over the White House. It was adapted from a book by TF Tweed and it espoused the ideas that were becoming popular in the country: that what the government was filled with corrupt people and that an all powerful leader was needed to clean them out and save the world.

At the beginning of the movie, Judson Hammond (played by Walter Huston) is the kind of ineffectual president that people saw Harding and Hoover as being. His approach to the office is largely hands off, and he’s only interested in doing things that can be of benefit to himself. He gets into a car accident and almost dies, having what the film very much suggests is a brush with the divine. Seriously, it is very much suggested that he’s chosen by God and given the holy secrets of how to save the world.

When he recovers he becomes a completely different president. He fires his entire cabinet because they are, as he says, nothing but “big business lackeys” (clearly a comment on how Harding staffed his administration). He uses the government to create jobs for the unemployed, as Roosevelt would soon do, but the film portrays this as an exceedingly unpopular opinion and something that the “corrupt” Congress hates. They seek to impeach him, and instead of letting that happen, he dissolves Congress completely, because they are “corrupt” and only care about their own interests. He takes complete power over the country, eliminating an kind of system of check and balances. He passes all sorts of laws himself, again without any kind of check or balances, which are all framed as amazing and world-saving. He threatens other countries, saying that the US has the most deadly weapon of mass destruction ever and if they dare to seek war on the US (or basically not do what the US wants), he will quickly use this weapon to eliminate them.

Because this is a fascist fantasy, all of this is framed as being noble and heroic. His dissolution of Congress, of his cabinet, of any checks and balances is framed as being him saving the country from the corruption of politicians. All of the laws he passes under his total  power are amazing, world saving laws that the rich and evil push back against. Threatening other countries with his weapon of mass destruction forces the world into peace.

Because it’s a movie and there needs to be conflict in a narrative, there are villains who oppose him. So who are the bad guys in a movie that views a man taking complete, dictatorial power over the country as a hero? Gangsters. Racketeers. Criminals. They’re angry for various reasons. Because Hammond ends prohibition and federalizes the production and sale of alcohol. Because his mission to give the unemployed jobs hurts the mob in some vague way that’s never really explained. Because all of his plans in general kind of vaguely ruin things for them. So the only people who oppose Hammond’s path to dictatorship are greedy, corrupt politicians and businessmen and the mob.

The message was clear: the government is corrupt and everyone in it is only interested in lining their pockets so the only way to save the country is to give a man complete and total power, eliminating the rest of the government entirely, and anyone who opposes him is evil and corrupt and doesn’t care about the suffering of the people.

This film is incredibly relevant now. In the 1930s it was made by people like WR Hearst, people with a bunch of money and power who wanted all of the power and who supported the idea of fascism not because it would benefit the country but because it would benefit them. Thankfully, in the US at least (obviously, though, not elsewhere in the world), the government devolving into a fascist dictatorship was avoided.

We have gone far further down the road to fascism than the US ever did in the 1930s. What WR Hearst and Louis B. Mayer wanted to happen then is happening now. 

Hammond is a president who doesn’t communicate with the public in more traditional ways (issuing statements, allowing his press secretary and various aids and representatives give out information, speeches, etc.), preferring to use more modern technology (the radio, in this case) to speak directly to the people with unfiltered, blunt thoughts. He bypasses checks and balances by issuing massive amounts of executive orders with little thought as to their constitutionality. He makes moves toward dissolving any system of checks and balances, eventually succeeding entirely.

Hammond is very much what Trump is. Like Hammond, Trump bucks traditional communication, preferring to use newer media (Twitter) to put out his blunt, unfiltered thoughts. In his first week alone he issued a huge amount of executive orders, doing so in order to not have to go through Congress, ignores the fact that a great deal of what he’s doing is unconstitutional, and turning on anyone who questions him. He’s made moves to eliminate any checks and balances, at least from anyone who might oppose him (clearing out the State Department, etc.)

And like Hearst was doing in the 1930s, Trump, a billionaire with a gold toilet with a history of making money of the backs of the poor and middle classes, was able to convince people that he cared about their well being and saving them from hardship, that he understood their plight and was dedicated to fixing it. Only Trump has clearly been far more successful then Hearst ever was. 

Gabriel over the White House is a really important movie right now. It shows that Trump’s methods, manipulations, and goals are not by any means new or unique, but he’s gone farther with them than anyone in the US has been able to. The film demonstrates Trump and his behavior to a tee and shows how easily people can be manipulated into thinking these actions and tactics aren’t just good, but necessary. It frames the character as a hero, which makes the film all the more disturbing, but that also goes a long way in showing the mindsets of these billionaires who want the power of being President and the different ways they manipulate people into believing in them.

This is a really important movie right now and everyone should watch it. It’s available through the Warner Archive’s on demand DVD service (meaning that they don’t pre-produce the DVDs. Every DVD is made when it’s ordered). It’s also available to watch on veehd.com. You just have to sign up for a free account.

[stephenaltrogge-blog]

There are many things that pastors are called to do: Preach the Gospel and the Word of god, shepherd and care for Christ’s flock, pray, and seek to set an example for the saints, among many others. But there are things that pastors should not do, and temptations that we can fall into. I’ve been a pastor since 1981, and I have failed numerous times, and have many weaknesses. I am so grateful the Lord has been patient and forbearing with me. Here are a few things the Lord taught me over the years that pastors should not do.

Don’t think your church is better than others

Oh man, in the early days of our church, I was so stupid, so arrogant. I thought our church was closer to being “a New Testament church” than any other church in town. Once a man who was unemployed told me he was thinking of moving to Texas for work. I said, “Do you know if there is a New Testament church there?” He said, “No, but I’m sure there are some good churches there.” So I said, “Well, it would be better for you to stay here and work in McDonald’s than take a great job somewhere where you don’t know if there is a New Testament church or not.” STUPID! Fortunately the man moved his family to Texas, where he got a good job. Thankfully, God later gave me the opportunity to ask his forgiveness.

Another time I met with a very godly older man who had helped me greatly as a new convert. This man attended a large denominational church in town. I asked him why he continued to go there. He said, “I believe God has called me to be a missionary to this church, because there are so many unbelievers in it.” To which I replied, “The apostle Paul would NEVER have considered being a missionary to the church! He was a missionary to the lost who were not in churches. Churches are for believers.” (Of course I believed that every single person in our church was a believer. I should have wanted unbelievers to come). I also later admitted to this man how stupid I was.

Don’t think your church is the best in town. At one time I would have thought we didn’t need any new churches to start in our area because, I mean, when you are the best, people should just come to your church. You don’t need more inferior churches to draw people away from you. I can’t believe I thought that way!

I’m grateful our Father is so patient and long-suffering with me. He changed my thinking drastically over the years. I recently told a pastor who is planting a church in our area, “We need all the gospel-preaching churches we can get here. There are thousands of unbelievers in the area who need to be saved. Most of them won’t be attracted to our church, but if they go to your church and hear the good news and call upon the Lord, that’s wonderful. I’m so glad you are here.” 

Which leads me to another thing pastors should not do:

Don’t be angry, hurt or offended when someone leaves your church for another church

We have had plenty of people leave our church over the years and start attending other churches, for various reasons. I told one woman who said she felt terrible about going to another church, “Hey! There is only ONE church in town – Jesus’ church. We aren’t in competition with other churches. I want you to be where Jesus wants you to be. I want you to be somewhere where you will flourish for him. And you know you are welcome any time you’d like to visit us.” I probably wouldn’t have said that in my early years.

Don’t get offended when people disagree with you or see things differently

Not long ago, a man in our church emailed me, disagreeing some points in a message I did where Jesus talked about the end times. At one time I might have thought, “Hey I’m the pastor. Don’t challenge me.” But no more. The man made some really good points. I studied the passage again and considered his points. Although I still came to my original conclusions, I thanked him for being like the Bereans, who didn’t believe Paul just because he said it, but went home and read their Bibles for themselves. I also told the man that he might be right about his points. 

No pastor has the corner on truth. Even a great leader doesn’t have the most wisdom about how to lead his church. We need others to share their thoughts and opinions. I am so grateful that I have always had fellow pastors and church members who were not afraid to share their opinions with me.

When I was leading our church, I often had what I thought were really great ideas about things we should do. I’m good at generating ideas. And often when I would share them with my fellow pastor at the time, Steve, he would say to me. “Yes Mark, but have you thought about how much that is going to cost us?” or “That’s a great idea, but I don’t really think we have the leaders right now to take that on.” I would often initially be a bit frustrated, but Steve was usually right. I had lots of ideas but often didn’t think them through. God helped me not to be offended when Steve and others disagreed with me.

We need others to disagree with us! We need others who will correct us or adjust us or point out our weaknesses. David said,

Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it…Psalm 141:5

Which leads me to the next point:

Don’t Interpret disagreement as disloyalty

I have read that this is one of the weaknesses many gifted leaders have. They interpret disagreement as disloyalty. I have friends who experienced this. When they disagreed with the leader they were under, he sidelined them. One leader told others that he no longer trusted the man who disagreed with him. This is terrible. If you are a pastor, don’t think you always know what is best. Don’t be offended when others disagree with you. Don’t take it personally. You don’t have all wisdom. We need teams. 

By God’s grace, this passage has always been a huge help to me:

Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14

I’m so grateful that God has often brought this passage to my mind. Not that I always immediately responded to disagreement, but God kept me from interpreting it as disloyalty.

Don’t be discouraged when your church doesn’t grow as quickly as you think it should

In the 80’s (hopefully now it is different), there was a huge emphasis on church growth. If your church wasn’t mushrooming you must have been doing something wrong. I struggled for years because our church was so small. Often people left because the economy was bad in our area and they needed different jobs. Gradually over the years I realized that God’s word nowhere tells us that we should aim for a big church. Paul never rebuked leaders for the slow growth of their churches. 

And someone said something really helpful to me: “Faithfulness is more important than success.” God didn’t want me to pursue success, but to be as faithful as I could to care for the people he gave us.

Don’t tell people that maybe they should find another church

This one is so hard for some pastors. Someone comes in and disagrees with something they said in a message, or perhaps they are struggling with a particular doctrine or emphasis of the church. Keep talking with them! Consider what they say. Listen to them! Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry (James 1:19-20). You don’t have to necessarily agree with them. But don’t tell them, “Maybe you need to go to another church.” If they come to that conclusion that is one thing. But our attitude should always be that we love them and care about them, and would hate to see them go.

Don’t manipulate people into giving financially.

This should be obvious by now, after we have had so many TV and celebrity pastors who pressure their people to give. Paul never manipulated people to give. He said,

Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 2 Corinthians 9:7

We should never pressure or manipulate the people in our churches to give or serve or anything else. We should trust God to move on those we serve. 

Don’t everything your leaders say without questioning.

For decades our church was part of an association of churches, which in many, many ways blessed and benefitted us immensely. But one of my weaknesses was that if the leaders told us we should do something, I would often do it without questioning. One conference a leader said they were changing the name of their “home groups” to “care groups.” You guessed it. I went home and we changed the name of our small groups to care groups. No questions asked. If the leaders did it, they know more than me, I guess I should do it. 

Fortunately over time, we began to think for ourselves. There are many great leaders in the church, and many excellent teachers. But no one has a corner on truth. No one has all wisdom. What is good for one church is not necessarily good for all churches. Of course, we must obey the clear commands of Scripture. But Scripture doesn’t tell us what to call our small groups.

Scripture has many principles, such as to walk in purity. But it doesn’t say that a teenager should never go to a prom. Scripture says we should give generously, but it doesn’t say we must always give 10% of our income. 

We must read Scripture for ourselves, like the Bereans. 

Now these Jews (in Berea) were more noble than those in Thessalonica; they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so.

Don’t build your church into one man. 

Share the preaching load. A senior pastor may preach a lot of the time or most of the time, but let others preach. Let others teach classes. Make it your goal that if you were to suddenly die the church would go on without a hitch. Try to develop a team of pastors. Have an advisory board. Everyone in the church has different gifts. Encourage your people to use their gifts.

Don’t act like you don’t have any problems or struggles

Some pastors refrain from mentioning any weaknesses, sins, bad attitudes, or temptations in your messages. Pastors are not in a class of their own, far above the common folks in the church. No! We are right there with them. We too are in the process of sanctification.

Obviously, pastors should not be involved in serious sins. But we shouldn’t give the impression that we have it all together. Share how you struggle at times to love others. How you were impatient with your children. How you struggled to believe God would help you. When pastors share their struggles and weaknesses it encourages the saints. Hey if that guy gets distracted when he prays, there’s hope for me too.

Don’t be irritated, annoyed or impatient with people who are slow to change. 

Don’t expect people to change quickly. Don’t express disappointment at people when they fail or sin. God is so patient with us. Think about Paul and the Corinthians. He wasn’t annoyed at them because they were such a mess. Sure, he corrected them and warned them. But he didn’t call them a bunch of losers. He told the Corinthians that God:

…will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 1:8

He told the Philippians:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

Don’t be irritated or annoyed or impatient with saints who are weak. Don’t expect people to change quickly. Don’t express disappointment at people when they fail or sin. Paul told the Galatians:

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Galatians 6:1

Finally, if you are successful, if your church does grow and prosper, don’t think that you did something great. 

Jesus said “I will build my church.” If anything good has happened it is because Jesus built it.

One of my favorite verses is: 

O LORD, You will establish peace for us. For all that we have accomplished, You have done for us. Isaiah 26:12 (Berean Study Bible)

If we have accomplished anything it is because God did it. We have nothing to boast about. All we have, any gifts, any success, it is all from God.

Pastors, we are not to think of ourselves as dynamic leaders, but as servants. As Jesus said,

And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slavee of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:42-45

Even Jesus came to serve. How much more should pastors.

The post 12 Things Pastors Should Not Do appeared first on The Blazing Center.

[helloelizabethsmithposts]

THE GLORY OF GODHEAD-YAHWEH&YESHUA[MIRACULOUS POWER FREED THE UNIQUE ONE[ELIZABETH L.SMITH CONSECRATED TO GOD'S LIGHT]

Annyeong, OR, Hello Everyone, To Explain Everything To You All. It's Sad, But Very True This All Has Been My Life Story Through The Years! GOD KNOWS THAT I DON'T NEED PITY, FROM NO ONE, I JUST WANTED THE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD TO UNDERSTAND HOW, DEVILISH THE BONDAGE MINDSET IS!!!! JESUS CHRIST KING OF GLORY( TOLD US IN MATTHEW 5. THE LAST VERSE, BE YOU PERFECT LIKE GOD. PERFECT IS MATURE IN GOD. THAT'S WHAT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST WAS TEACHING US. I GREW UP , WATCHING THOSE I LOVED VERY DEARLY, THEY WORKED, TITHE, AND OBEYED GOD'S WORD. THEY HUSTLED IN ANYTHING, AND ANYWAY, JUST BECAUSE THEY WHERE REAL GODLY MEN,WHO VALUED WHAT GOD MADE THEM TO DO, WITHOUT ANYONE REPEATING THESE THINGS TO THEM. I ALSO MATURED VERY EARLY, SO IT WAS EASY TO HAVE FAITH IN GOD LIKE JESUS CHRIST SAID! EARLY, I JUST LACKED REALLY LOVING MYSELF, BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE TOLD SO MUCH DIFFERENT THINGS, AND IT REALLY GETS INTO YOUR SPIRIT. IT REALLY TAKES GOD, TO STEP INTO YOUR LIFE, AND RESCUE YOU, FROM DANGER!!!! WHEN MY HAPPINESS SHATTERED RIGHT BEFORE MY FACE, I WAS SO TORN APART, I WAS BARELY HANGING IN THEIR, TILL GOD CALLED ME THAT SAME VERY, DREADFUL NIGHT, AND I HEED TO HIM. CAUSE I WAS UPSET, MY PARTNER LEFT ME SO FAST, I COULDN'T EVEN GRASP, ANYTHING! BUT I WANTED TO STILL WORK IN THE BABY NURSERY TO MAINTAIN, MY SMILE, EVEN THOUGH I WAS BEING TORMENTED, I DIDN'T CARE! BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY 4 DAYS BEFORE HE RETURNED BACK TO FATHER GOD, HE[RICO] SAID, I NEVER SAW SOMEONE STILL SMILE, AND LAUGH EVEN THOUGH YOUR HEART WAS BROKEN! I LEARNED IN PROVERBS TO SMILE, THROUGH THE PAIN, SO THAT MY FAITH IN GOD WOULD GIVE ME THE COURAGE, I NEEDED TO OVERCOME ANY CHALLENGE IN THIS LIFE. TAKE IT FROM A YOUNG LADY, WHO REALLY VALUE TRUE LOVE[GODHEAD- EL ELYON ,YAHWEH, JEHOVAH-ROHI, &YESHUA THE TRUE TRINITY]. GOD LOVE IS NOT FAKE, IT IS VERY REAL THAT, HE SUSTAINS YOU THROUGH THE MOST HARDEST TIMES YOU EVER HAD. I WORKED IN ALABAMA, ATLANTA, AND TENNESSEE, AND I'VE COME TO UNDERSTAND PEOPLE LOVE MONEY SO MUCH THAT THEY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT NOBODY, BUT THEIRSELVES! I FOUND OUT EASILY I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL 3 TIMES IN ATLANTA, TRYING TO REASON WITH THE PEOPLE I WORKED WITH, SAYING CORRECT THE PERSON YOU HIRED, THAT DON'T WANT TO WORK, BUT THEY ONLY DENIED, EVERYTHING, SO I WAS SO ANGRY, I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN I WASN'T CRAZY, I WAS JUST A LITTLE YOUNG WOMAN HURT, WHO MISSED THE PEOPLE WHO PROTECTED ME, FROM THESE KIND OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. AND THE LAST TIME WAS ACTUALLY IN 2016, I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN, BECAUSE THE MANGER CHANGED MY SHIFT AFTER MY VACATION, AND HAD ME WORKING 8 DAYS STRAIGHT, SO YES AGAIN I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL, BUT THIS TIME, I WAS DANCING, PREACHING, AND QUOTING THE VERY SCRIPTURES I WAS TAUGHT TO USE. SO I PROMISED GOD THAT SINCE, HE TOLD ME I NEVER REQUIRED YOU TO DO THIS, I ASKED FATHER TO HELP ME, TO GET BACK UP THROUGH FAITH IN GOD TO HELP OTHER'S TO AVOID THE MISTAKE I'VE MADE IN HELPING EVERYONE ELSE AND NEGLECTING TAKING CARE OF MYSELF. I WAS ON 4 DIFFERENT MEDICINES TO NEGATE EACH AFFECT, BUT HELL NO, I'M A TRUE WALKER, AND TALKER, WHO BELIEVE IN THE HOLY BIBLE, AND THE RESURRECTION POWER OF JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, I TOLD GOD, I WASN'T GETTING ADDICTED TO MEDICINE NO MORE, EVEN THOUGH THEY LET ME USE THE RESTROOM ON MYSELF, DOPPED ME UP WITH SO MUCH MEDICINE THAT EVEN AFTER THAT IT REALLY TOOK SOME MONTHS FOR MY BODY TO RECOVER, CAUSE I WOULD CRY TO GOD AT NIGHT, PRAYING THAT MY BODY, GOT OVER THE PAIN, I COULDN'T SLEEP A CERTAIN WAY FOR AWHILE. BUT PRAISE THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND THE EARTH, ALL OF HIS GRACE,MERCY,TRUTH,AND LOVE HAS GUIDED ME TO BE THIS WOMAN THAT I AM, I JUST RECENTLY ON MY 32 BIRTHDAY, GOD PROMPT IT ON MY HEART TO START TAKING BETTER CARE OF MYSELF, AND I'M STILL NEW TO THIS BUT, AT LEAST I CAN TELL YOU ALL, NO JOB IS WORTH KEEPING JUST FOR MONEY, IF IT ENDANGERS YOUR, LEAVE AND MOVE ON, DON'T HOLD ON TO NO PLACE THAT'S NOT WILLING TO VALUE YOUR TRUE WORTH!!!! IT TOOK ME THIS LONG, TO REALIZE, RACE IS NOT THE PROBLEM, IT'S THE GREED THAT'S IN MOST PEOPLE HEARTS, LOVE DOESN'T EVNY OR COVET, 1 CORINTHIANS 13. GALATIANS 5 IS MORE REAL EVERYONE, I SUGGEST YOU ALL GET BACK TO SEEKING GOD WHOLEHEARTEDLY, THAT'S THE WAY FOR TRUE ULTIMATE HAPPINESS THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT, JESUS CHRIST, AND GOD! JESUS CHRIST TOLD US LET NO MAN DECEIVE YOU! I WASN'T FOOLED BY NO ONE, I JUST WANTED TO MASTER MY GIFTS AND TALENTS, AND ULTIMATELY LEARN HOW TO ACT, I SOUGHT FATHER GOD IN 1998, TO BE AN ACTOR. WELL SEE, WE PLAYED Y'ALL WICKED ASS, WE PLAYED THE GAME TO WIN ONLY, I KNEW THAT DAMN OLD UNEMPLOYED BASTARD WAS UP TO NO GOOD, SO I ASKED FATHER, THIS REQUEST, BECAUSE I WAS MAD WHEN IN 1997 I WANTED MY CRAFT SHOP AT SCHOOL, TO MAKE MONEY THE NEXT YEAR SO I DIDN'T NEED NO ALLOWANCE, I HAD MY PLAN TO HUSTLE IN SCHOOL BY SOMETHING GOD HELPED ME TO DESIGN, BUT DAMN NEAR, IT FELL THROUGH. I SAID PAY BACK IS A MUG!!!! AND I ALSO WAS HIT IN THE EYE FOR A CERTAIN WORD I USED IN SPANISH, AND SOME TOUCH UP STUFF FELL, INTO MY EYE, AND I STILL HAVE THAT SAME MARK SLIGHTY SHOWS UP ON MY EYE FROM TIME TO TIME.... SO YOU ALL REALLY DON'T WANT TO LIE, OR MENTION OUR NAMES EVER OUT OF YOUR MOUTHS AGAIN, OR I WILL PETITION HEAVEN TO SEND AN ANGEL TO DEAL WITH YOU SUDDENLY, WITH THESE OLD FAKE,COPYING BASTARDS PROCRASTINATING, EVERYTHING KNOWING THEY ASS NEVER LIKED, OR LOVED NO ONE BUT THEIR DAMN SELF. WE HEAL OUR FAMILY, THESE ARE KIDS WHO WALK IN LIGHT, BUT WE HURT OUR ENEMIES (THIS IS HOW WE DO FOR REAL.) I SAY DAMN SELF, CAUSE YOU ALL WILL REALIZE VERY, VERY SOON YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SENT STRAIGHT HELL!!!! AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT, YOUR ARROGANCE KICKED YOU IN THE ASS😁😁😁😁😁💞💝🎎🛫⛴🎆🌍.... LOL,LOL,LOL, SHOO YEAH I TOLD YOU ALL I HAVE MY FATHER GOD DNA- FROM MY HEAD TO MY TOES,AND MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND SPIRITUALLY, I HAVE VERY CLOSE, AND TIGHT CONNECTIONS WITH HEAVEN!!!! THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN SUFFERS VIOLENCE AND THE VIOLENT TAKE IT BY FORCE!!!! I'M NO FAKE FIGHTER, LIKE YOU ALL CLAIM YOU ALL ARE FIGHTERS. I'M A RIGHTEOUS QUEEN OF LIGHT WHO IS GOD'S HOLY FIGHTER, I STAND UP FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS IN ANY GIVEN DAY,TIME,AND SEASON, BECAUSE I'M GODHEAD TRUE DIRECTOR OF MUSIC, WORSHIP IS MY SPECIALITY, ESPECIALLY WHEN, ABEOJI,OPPA,HEONG,YOONA,AND CHINGU[FATHER, HUSBAND, BROTHER,SISTER,AND FRIEND] WANTS FATHER TO BE GLORIFIED IN EVERYTHING, I'M THE GIRL/WOMAN FOR HIS JOB!!! TRUE WORSHIPPERS, CAN ONLY RESPECT WHAT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST SAID GOD IS A SPIRIT, AND THEY THAT WORSHIP HIM[GOD] MUST WORSHIP HIM IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH!!!! I JUST LOVE, AND LIVE TO GLORY FATHER GOD, THAT'S HOW HE MADE ME TO BE, AND I HONESTLY THANK GOD WHOLEHEARTEDLY FOR ALLOWING TO ME FOLLOW HIM DAILY AND ALWAYS!!! HOPEFULLY YOU ALL WILL LEARN TO LOVE EACH OTHER, AND ACCEPT THE DIFFERENCE IN EACH OTHER, TO HELP BUILD EACH OTHER UP THROUGH,HOPE,FAITH, AND LOVE= GODLY KNOWLEDGE, GODLY WISDOM, AND GODLY UNDERSTANDING DAILY. SEEKING GOD DAILY, IT'S A JOY FOR ME, CAUSE I NEED THE SHEKINA GLORY, EVERYTIME, EACH SECOND, MINUTE, AND HOUR OF THE DAY, I HAVE TO STAY NEAR GOD, HE KNOWS MY LITTLE ASS GET INTO EVERYTHING... I'M NOT VERY TALL BUT JUST 5/4, LOL, I KNOW GOD JUST CRACK UP LAUGHING, TELLING THE ANGELS SHE WOKE UP WATCH HER AND PROTECT HER ALWAYS, I JUST SINCERELY, AM GRATEFUL TO ALL OF THOSE WHO TAUGHT ME SOMETHING IN THIS LIFETIME, AND I NEVER I HAD THE TIME, TO MEET THEM NATURALLY IN PERSON TO TELL THEM THANK GOD FOR YOU BEING YOU,AND PRAISE OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST KING OF GLORY, FOR YOUR TALENT THAT TAUGHT ME NOT TO BE ASHAMED OF BEING DIFFERENT NOT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, BUT EMBRACE THE FACT OF BEING THE UNIQUE ONE. RICO THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU, WHEN YOU ASKED ME WHAT ONE I WANTED TO BE, IT WAS THE UNIQUE ONE. [DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE REST, BUT DETERMINED TO OBEY IN EVERYTHING,KEEPING GODHEAD[ADONAI FIRST IN EVERYTHING, AND EVERYWHERE, I GO, JUST BECAUSE HE CONSIDERED MANKIND AND EVERYTHING ELSE!!!! SOMEONE LIKE [YAHWEH&YESHUA]DOESN'T OWE US NOTHING REALLY, AND THE THINGS GOD BLESS US WITH SHOULD MAKE US WILLING TO LEARN, AND KNOW HIM[GOD]ON A VERY PERSONAL LEVEL, HE'S MIGHTY, BEAUTIFUL, AND VERY POWERFUL I COULD NEVER DO NOTHING HE HATES, CAUSE ULTIMATELY HE WAS THE ONLY WHO REALLY CARED SO MUCH ABOUT ME TO DRY UP MY TEARS, AND HOPEFULLY BOAZ, THIS WILL FREE YOU TOO, NO JOB IS WORTH, LOOSING PEOPLE SOUL, AND GOD RESCUED THEM SWIFTLY, CAUSE I SAW THE EVIDENCE IN THE BACK TREE AND FRONT TREE. STOP PLAYING AND TELLING LIES ON GOD'S CHILDREN DUMMIES, CAUSE WHEN HE STRIKE YOU DOWN AND OUT IT'S OVER FOR YOUR WICKED DUMBASS. I DON'T FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE WHO TRY TO SLAVE, PEOPLE CAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO WORK, YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN GET A JOB IF YOUR ASS DON'T WANT TO WORK, BUT GET PAID OFF OF OTHER PEOPLE PROFESSIONAL SKILLS, I TELL YOU NOW, I'M NOT GETTING PAID NO DAMN PENNIES NO MORE, TALKING ABOUT 10.20 CENT AN HOUR AND YOU WANT TO HAVE YOUR PLACE KEPT UP FOR YOU, DAMN IT YOUR ASS DON'T DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, IT JUST WON'T GET DONE, YOU CAN WAIT TO THE RAPTURE IF YOU LIKE TOO, LORD GOD ALMIGHTY KNOWS, Y'ALL SOME TRIFLING ASS STEP-CHILDREN, I TELL YOU THIS BRING YOUR MISFIT BUTT, OVER SOMEWHERE AND TRY ME, IF YOU LIKE TOO I WILL SAY LORD JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH I HAD TO DEFEND MYSELF ON THAT DUMMIE, SO I KNOCKED THE HELL OUT OF THEIR ASS.... WARNING COMES BEFORE DESTRUCTION, I FOUND OUT GOD HAS DENOUNCED A LOT OF YOU ALL ON EARTH SO LOOKS LIKE YOU ALL ARE REALLY ON BORROWED TIME!!!! WELL AT LEAST WE GET TO PARTY HARD IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN STYLE, SO WE BE CLUBBIN IN THE BUILDING, OR OUTSIDE, WE WILL PRAISE GOD FREELY, BECAUSE IT'S ALL OF THE PRAISE,GLORY,AND HONOR THAT'S DUE UNTO HIS NAME FOREVER AND EVERMORE, AMEN, AND AMEN!!!!💞💝😍💙🎎⛴🛫🎉....