#god he has done so many things good and bad but noone is beyond redemption...

[theblankest123]

Hey im listening to episode 26 (the bedrock) feom malevolent

Fuck

Christ

Fuck

The acting in his breakdown is so so fucking stellar such a good performance

Just.....holy shit.......... i was so distraught and disapointed at arthur (which yeah is the point) but fuck......im so fucking proud of him now. hes standing back up.

The dawn has risen once more, the new day has come. The cold is slowly thawing, and he is alive. He wanted to die, but once again, through everything, he is alive He saw himself a monster, and yet he is so painfully human. He is a broken mess, but he is back, and he is alive.

God i've missed him, i've missed the curious Arthur with a spark of caring and kindness so much. Welcome back king.

[zoadgo]

Prompt: Just domestic fluff. Can be modern setting au. No wars, no battles, no bloodshed. Just Heahmund and Ivar being in love and happy. Maybe planning breakfast after having sex the previous night, or discussing the fruits and vegetables of their homelands, or discussing what animals are better as pets.

I’m going to be honest, I didn’t think I’d be able to write fluff for them, but I just might have done it! It’s here on ao3 if you want to read it there :) No major tags, but modern AU, criminal AU, and references to criminal activity

Heahmund always wakes up before sunrise, in order to greet the new day with prayer and repentance for his sins. On this particular morning, he has many sins to beg forgiveness for. He slips from his bed in the pale blue of early morning, motion not disturbing the gentle breathing of the man next to him in the slightest. He grabs a pair of loose pants from the floor and clothes himself in only those, bare feet chilled on the floor.

The apartment is dark, but there’s enough light for Heahmund to find his way to the balcony, letting himself out into the biting cold of the pre dawn air. Being shirtless in this weather is punishing, but that’s sort of the point. Heahmund drops to his knees, facing towards the first hints of pink on the horizon, taking in the dull pain of impact and rectifying it with his soul. He clasps his hands before him, breath forming thick clouds.

“My Lord God, forgive me, for I have sinned,” Heahmund begins, focusing on the guilt of his actions. Guilt will save the sinner, for we all sin, but the godly man repents. “It has been one day since my last confession.”

Heahmund used to go to a proper confessional, but since he fell in with the crowd he works for now, such a thing is highly discouraged. It doesn’t matter to him, anyway. God can pass judgement on him better than any priest ever could.

“I killed a man.” Hehamund breathes his first sin of the day into reality. He doesn’t have to worry about being overheard here, this entire building belongs to his employers. And if anyone did report his words, well, Heahmund is well known for metaphors and dramatic hyperboles. “And I enjoyed it. I held a man down while he was tortured, and inflicted torture upon another myself. I did all these things of my own free will.”

Heahmund knows his work is evil, but he rectifies it with the fact that he only hurts men who are themselves evil. His employers hurt others, but they know his rules, and they respect that. At least, for now they do. What the future holds is out of his control, all Heahmund knows is that he is good at causing pain, and this way he can do so without being beyond redemption.

“There is more, my Lord, but pertaining to a different sin.” Heahmund swallows, memories of his night hot in the back of his mind. “I laid with a man. Many times. I fell victim to vanity and to lust, I engaged in sins of the flesh without remorse. I did all these things of my own free will.”

Heahmund doesn’t need to speak the specific acts; the feeling of Ivar’s lips upon his neck, of his grip twisting in Ivar’s hair as Ivar took him into his mouth, of exploring Ivar with his fingers, entering him with blasphemy caught on his lips. God knows his sins, and knows that for all the guilt he feels, Heahmund will sin again. He is a godly man, but not necessarily a strong one and the temptations of earth are powerful.

Heahmund opens himself up to the influence of his God as the sun crests the horizon, baring his soul for the divine to sort through. In silence he finds a peace in the aching of his knees, the painful cold in his fingertips and toes, the shivers coursing through his body. The first true light of dawn shines into his eyes, and Heahmund feels full of the glory of God. He nods his head with a sigh, spirit lighter.

“Amen.” Heahmund closes his prayers and pushes himself to his feet, barely avoiding stumbling as cold joints take his weight. He used to be harder on himself than this, in the days before he met Ivar, but Ivar has a very compelling way of explaining things. Heahmund now leaves his guilt with his prayers as he walks back into the apartment, for what is the point in tormenting himself internally if he fully knows he will repeat all his actions anyway?

The air inside feels warm relative to the chill clinging to Heahmund’s skin, so he doesn’t bother putting on a shirt or socks, simply turns lights on as he walks to the kitchen. He hears grumbling from the bedroom as he turns on the light in there too, and he smiles to himself. Were it not for him, he’s convinced Ivar would sleep until noon every day. But they have so little time in each day and Heahmund will not let his lover pass it in slumber.

Heahmund busies himself in the kitchen as a great deal of thumping and cursing sounds forth from the bedroom. Ivar has never been a morning person, preferring to stay awake late into the night, but Heahmund knows he’ll get up for the promise of coffee and eggs. With the coffee maker bubbling happily away next to him, Heahmund cooks their breakfast; simply eggs and a piece of toast for each of them. Ivar practically has to be forced to eat in the morning, and Heahmund believes in eating plainly whenever possible, so as not to fall prey to too many temptations of gluttony.

The sounds of Ivar pulling himself across the floor are familiar to Heahmund, so he doesn’t bother turning around, simply shifts the eggs in the pan. He hears soft grunts as Ivar pulls himself bodily into his chair at the counter, a chair with weights in the bottoms of the legs to prevent it from tipping.

“You are an evil man,” Ivar complains, and Heahmund smiles at the eggs. Ivar would never call him evil in seriousness, only when he’s complaining about something petty. “Why do you never let me sleep?”

Heahmund picks up the pan, eggs cooked to his satisfaction, and prepares plates for the both of them, turning to place Ivar’s in front of him. Ivar looks entirely disgruntled, but when Heahmund walks towards him he smiles, dragging his gaze over Heahmund’s bare chest lewdly. “Although, I suppose the view isn’t bad in the morning.”

Heahmund shakes his head fondly and taps the edge of Ivar’s plate. “Eat.”

Ivar wrinkles his nose at the food as if Heahmund had served him garbage, picking up his fork simply to shift the eggs around. Heahmund sends a silent plea to heaven for strength in dealing with his lover, who for all his brilliance and sadism, is a shockingly petulant child sometimes.

“If you want coffee, you will eat,” Heahmund threatens, pouring himself a cup and taking a long sip of it while locking eyes with Ivar, who manages to look dramatically offended.

“See, I live with evil.” Ivar shakes his head, picking up his toast and begrudgingly taking a bite. “What would your God say to you torturing an innocent man like this, hm?”

Ivar points his toast at Heahmund accusingly, and Heahmund laughs. “Show me an innocent man, and we will see.”

He hands his own mug to Ivar - who drops his food immediately in favour of caffeine - and chuckles, pouring another for himself. In these moments, when Heahmund has just freed the weight of his soul and there are no expectations on them, Heahmund believes he can see hints of paradise. Warmth in his stomach for the coffee, laughter in his heart from Ivar, this is what life should be like.

“You’re smiling,” Ivar points out, returning to his breakfast only after the mug is empty of the last drop of coffee. “Did your God speak to you this morning?”

Heahmund hums thoughtfully. “Not in the way you think, but yes.”

“Ah yes, your God talks without talking. Seems very confusing.” Ivar talks with his mouth full, and Heahmund passes him a napkin to clean crumbs from his face. They’ve been over this a million times, and Ivar understands as much as he ever will, but that doesn’t prevent him from attempting to poke holes in Heahmund’s faith. Heahmund doesn’t mind, finds his bond with God is all the stronger for it.

“Not as confusing as you,” Heahmund responds, and Ivar scoffs.

“How am I confusing? I am the most honest man I know,” he lies with a wide grin.

“Ivar, we’re criminals,” Heahmund points out, setting aside his now-empty mug and leaning on the counter opposite Ivar. Ivar leans forward with a small shrug.

“So, who says criminals can’t be honest, hm?” Ivar taps a finger in the center of Heahmund’s chest. “You like to think yourself an honest man, so why can’t I be one too? We do the same work, after all.”

Heahmund knows full well that Ivar is only arguing the point to try and get a rise out of him, and this time, he doesn’t oblige. He simply nods. “Okay then. You’re an honest man. Which means you would not harbour feelings for others without their knowledge, or trick them into your bed.”

“Hey!” Ivar exclaims in mock indignation. “When did I ever trick you?”

“You pretended to have hypothermia so I would lay in your bed with you?” Heahmund raises an eyebrow, reminding Ivar of exactly how their relationship had started. With a lie, actually many lies, but Heahmund doesn’t harbour any ill will about that now. In fact, he finds it somewhat amusing.

“Oh, right. Well, I suppose I am not honest.” Ivar shrugs with a sigh, as if he had ever cared about the topic in the first place, and then the corners of his lips curl up into a wicked smile and he practically crawls onto the counter in order to invade Heahmund’s personal space. “Does that mean you need to punish me for my wickedness?”

Heahmund knows exactly what response Ivar wants, and although it is tempting to deny him it, Heahmund is not that strong a man. He reaches forward with one hand and threads his fingers into Ivar’s hair, pulling him to him and kissing him. Not punishing, as Ivar might have wanted, but a slow, burning heat as their lips mesh together. He tastes the coffee on Ivar’s tongue, drags his teeth lightly over his bottom lip, just enough to tease. As Ivar begins to melt in his grasp, Heahmund pulls away, using Ivar’s hair to hold him in place and prevent him from chasing Heahmund’s lips with his own.

“Now Ivar, do you really think you deserve punishment?” Heahmund asks, and Ivar blinks at him slowly. He’s always so thrown off by intimacy, so genuinely open whenever Heahmund is soft with him.

“No,” Ivar confesses. “But for you I would take it anyway.”

Heahmund answers him with more kisses, and knows that tomorrow morning he shall have to confess again, most rigorously.

[a-woman-apart]

Desperation

I wish that I had a goal in writing this. I should probably be in bed, since I get to bed so late every night and it really affects my ability to get up in the morning. The problem is that I feel somewhat disturbed underneath my haze of tiredness, and I want to get it out of my system before I try to go to sleep.

Today I slept until noon, so I really didn’t get up and get going until pretty late. Ideally I would go to sleep early and wake up early, as opposed to sleeping late and waking up very late, but that’s just one of the things that I’m bad about. I read about delayed sleep phase syndrome, and while I am not going to self-diagnose, I think that I would not be surprised if I had at least a mild form of that. If I don’t set any alarms or establish a strict bedtime, my natural sleep cycle has me waking up around 11am on average, and falling asleep at 1am or later. It is something that I have modified before, however, when responsibilities require me to do so. Changes have never been permanent, though.  

Apart from the late start, the day actually went pretty well. I was able to work on the song that I would be singing for the recital, and I went out for a few hours and shopped for things for my sister-in-law’s baby shower. Fortunately, I was able to get everything that I needed before the traffic really got too bad (even though I feel like I pretty much got stopped at every traffic light that there was). When I got home, I had a pretty low-key evening. I just finished a season of an anime that I had been watching. I did end up also watching some politically-themed and anti-capitalist videos on YouTube, but I don’t think that I “broke my brain” with “serious stuff.”

That being said, it is pretty depressing to think that the democratic system that we live under in this country really isn’t free and fair for everyone. Sometimes the alternatives aren’t very appealing either, but I know that something has to be done. I consider myself a socialist, in that I believe in more government regulation on corporations and that the government should care for the basic needs of its citizens. I will also admit that confronting the flaws in our government system is extremely daunting and overwhelming, and very often I complain without taking direct action against them. I was taught from an early age that capitalism was the best and most moral system that there was. Now I can see that in many ways that is wrong, but I couldn’t just quit my job and stop working. I’m forced to participate for my own survival, even if I don’t agree.

The lie that is pedaled in capitalist propaganda is that there are equal opportunities for everyone, and that as long as someone works hard they will gradually ascend to the top. The problem with this is that this also means that there is always going to be a hierarchy, with someone at the very top and other people below them. This also fails to take into account inequalities between people across geographical and racial divides, and the persistence of class in the capitalist system. It is often not the hardest working person who prevails, otherwise there would be no one who had to work two or three jobs and still struggle to make ends meet for them and their families. Also, while it is true that obtaining a good education helps to break the cycle of poverty, education is not freely available to all people in the U.S. and the ability to get a good education is still based upon those same geographical and class factors. In other words, very often the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, because the rich are in a position to obtain better education for themselves and their offspring, as well as already having more capital to invest into economic ventures. Additionally, those who are already better off financially can afford medical treatment that can give them increased ability to remain a part of the workforce.

Until we somehow put everyone on a level playing field by making education and healthcare accessible to everyone, we do not have a right to smugly criticize someone who is running into difficulty financially. The whole idea that someone is only as valuable as the work that they can put out is not something that I think that we want to propagate. No one should have to live on the streets, and no one should have to die of treatable illnesses because they cannot afford to be treated. No child should go hungry in this country, and every child deserves access to a good education. Without regulation, corporations would raise the prices of goods to whatever they desired, while at the same time lowering the wages of the people that work for them. It’s happened before, and it could easily happen again without government interference.

Maybe that is part of what bothers me on a daily basis. I have all of these new ideas taking up space in my head. A lot of the things that I once believed in are being challenged. I know that in the end it is something that is good, and that it is much better to be informed about things than not. For example, right now I am really hesitant about giving to charities that say they are helping people, because some “charities” have been shown to participate in unethical practices (I’m looking at you, Susan G. Komen and Salvation Army). Even charities that may have every intention to help, like charities for children in third world nations, sometimes destabilize the economies of those countries by flooding the economy with foreign goods. Sometimes someone panhandling on the side of the road is a crook. Ultimately, this doesn’t stop me from giving because it’s in my heart to help people, but I want to make sure that the help that I am offering isn’t causing harm instead.

Then there’s the ever-present matter of religion. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Christianity has helped people, but it has also hurt a lot of people as well, especially with regards to sexuality. Also, the Christian teaching that wives are to be submissive to their husbands has been used by many men to justify horrific abuse and subjugation of their wives. The shame that people have regarding gender and sexuality in some Evangelical Christian circles is immense, to the point where people are unable to talk about their fears and concerns. LGBTQ+ people are unwelcome in church. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, addiction to pornography is rampant because individual sexuality is so repressed. It has actually become so prevalent that it is rising to the surface and there are many ministries and groups within the church for men dealing with pornography addiction and sexual deviance.

Christianity and science often butt heads, as well. Evangelical Christianity has very much been the enemy of the theory of evolution. Also, many Evangelicals are proponents of conversion therapy or some sort of spiritual “deliverance” for LGBT+ people, whereas science shows that sexuality is hard-wired into the brain. You cannot “cure” homosexuality through therapy or rituals. Christianity in general, including- if not especially- the Catholic Church has historically stood against scientific progress and technology.

God hasn’t personally failed me. If I am being honest, if I look at my life it actually seems like I have been experiencing divine protection over the years. Things have always fallen into place for me, even though I have my struggles. Maybe I do have the option to be angry at God that I have schizoaffective/bipolar disorder, or that I had such a miserable childhood, but I am not. My problem with the God of Christianity lies in the fact that I am supposed to believe that despite his infinite power, the only way that he could forgive my sins was to horrifically torture and kill his only son. This also requires me to believe that each human being is born in sin in the first place, that somehow things that you do- or in this case, didn’t do- somehow stain your soul beyond all hope of redemption. I am also expected to believe that this redemption was held back for thousands of years, all so that humanity could “learn its lesson” and “know how much they needed Christ.” I am also expected to believe that after this horrific death, Jesus was raised back to life and ascended in physical form to sit at the right hand of said all-powerful God in heaven. I am supposed to believe that unless I believe all of this I am going to go to a place that no one has any evidence of, a place of “utter darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth”, a place of fire where people will burn forever.

Finally, I am supposed to believe that despite 2000 years of being absent, Jesus will one day finally return in all of his glory and smite the wicked, killing so many unbelievers that “the blood reaches to the horse’s bridle”. Never mind that this is an action that seems in opposition to his previous character. The great part is that there are even more difficult things to believe than that, like stars falling from the sky, and a seven-headed dragon arising from the sea.

I don’t care if you say that most of it is allegorical. In my opinion, the things that I mainly have problems with are the basic tenants and concepts of the Christian faith. There is no way for me to get back to it, because the very basic concept of sin and redemption is one that is lost on me. I just don’t believe it anymore, pure and simple. I have not fully given up on the idea of God, however, and I still believe in miracles. I can’t explain why it seems like people get answers to prayer, but I know that for everyone who gets their answer, there are others to whom the heavens are silent. Either God plays favorites, he/she/it doesn’t have ultimate power, or there’s no God really listening and breakthroughs are coincidental.

I’m not going to lie and say that it’s easy, but it’s not. Sometimes I “want” to believe. It would certainly make things with my family so much easier. It would also give me comfort to think that I was specially created and that God has a special plan just for me. Whenever I think this, though, I just think of the incredible human suffering that exists in this world, suffering that cannot be explained away if God is both all-merciful and all-powerful. I think of how unlikely it is that the miracles in the Bible really happened, when there is no parallel for them today. Ross Blocher from the “Oh No Ross and Carrie” podcast described a “veil of time” that people create by thinking that fantastical things are more likely to have happened if they occurred a long time ago.

So yeah, there are a lot of heavy thoughts in the back of my mind at any given moment. Maybe getting older has helped me to put some things into perspective. I know I have a fairly high dose of naivete, but not when it comes to things like this. I think that people are generally good, but I do not think that it is religion that makes them so. My hope is that I can continue to be fortunate enough to see mainly the good side of humanity and experience mainly good things. I also hope that I will one day be able to use my knowledge of the dark side of things to help me stay on the path of good.

Okay, that’s it for my late-night rant.