#god fuck what is wrong witg me lmao

[transexualbutchfagdyke]

there is a bug in my ear and it is crawling around and I'm gonna cry

[masterpieceavenue94]

Friday 5th, May.

I told my grandmother I’d be going to Spain to visit her because I couldn’t go when my grandad died so I told her after my practices I would take a fly as soon as possible but damn it’s complicated. Now that my dad doesn’t have a job, goodbye economy. On the other hand, I use lenses and I’m running out of them, the last pair is for June and that means I have to buy new ones. And where do I have to go to buy them?? To my hometown which is 4 hours from my grandma’s house. And well I just can’t go to that place and to Alicante on the same trip. Why? Because it’s too expensive and my mum was like “you can’t make your uncle (the one who lives with my grandmother) to come and pick you up from the airport because it takes almost 1 hour or something to go there and one more to come back.” And you know? I don’t fucking care, he could make the effort. It’s me, he should know I want so bad to go and see my grandma. And I even thought of buying a ticket of train or something but then we’re on the same spot. I need someone to pick me up to go to my grandma’s.

Then my father suggested a few dates and some of them are around the first week of June and Nuria’s birthday is the 8th and I thought "I could go buy my lenses and spend time with her on her birthday.” And it’s all right. But I’d be feeling really bad because I won’t be seeing my grandma when I told her I’d do whatever for visiting her and now it would be like “hey I’m in Spain, I went to my hometown instead of visiting you when I told you otherwise.” It’s like…it feels wrong and I know my grandma wouldn’t judge me and that everything is okay but I’m not. Because it feels like I preferred to spend time on my hometown rather than with her and I want to see her. Fuck. Seriously, I don’t know what to do.

A few days ago I went with my mum to ny brother’s psychologist because he obviously needs one, and I had to talk with her, I mean my mum needed to go because the psychologist wanted to meet her and talk about my brother and I went with her because I didn’t have anything else to do. So…she asked me a few things and this incident we had last Christmas and god I even cried and that’s when I realized I need a psychologist.

There has been a few times where I’ve said “on a future when I’m with a job and everything is in it’s place I’ll go to a psychologist ” like the fact that I could talk with someone that is going to listen to you and well not “judging” or something like that, the fact that you can just talk, relieve your thoughts and everything. It helps a lot and a psychologist is just going to look at you and listen to you. Nothing else. Well what I was saying, I have always said that, that on a future I want one. But the other day I went witg my mum and the psychologist talked with me and I told her a few things and this incident. And when I left, on that moment I realized that I really need one. That I have a lot of things to talk about and it would help me, but of course I’m kinda shy to tell my parents “yo, I need a psychologist” so… I don’t know. I don’t freaking know a shit. Like always.

Oh, and I broke my phone. The screen. In short, my phone was on my pocket, I was walking, then my phone decided to commit suicide and felt on the ground. And you know, it has been times where my phone has fallen and nothing gas happened but this time… Of course it has to happened. And damn, I loved my phone, and it still works and I decided to not buy a new one because first of all, no money. Second of all, if I want a new one it has to be in Spain. And thirdly, I don’t want to buy a new one, which is weird because when it comes to phones I’m always like “omg I want this. Omg on a future I will have this blah blah blah” but this time…I don’t want a new one. And yeah, I thought about fixing the screen but… it’s too expensive. So…I guess I’ll be with my broken phone until who knows when. I’ve spent the last four days watching Riker Lynch’s videos on Dance with the Stars on YouTube. Riker Lynch is a boy whose brother is Ross Lynch (from Teen Beach movie and Austin & Ally a serie from Disney) I’ve never liked that TV serie nor that movie and I know about him because this “friend” that I had in Spain, Sandra, well... she was in love with Ross and she was like “he’s so cute and he’s in a band with his brothers and all of their names start with R” and I remember I watched a few videos of them and well I didn’t like Ross but I don’t know why I found myself attracted to Riker lmao. Not as much as I did with Harry Styles but the thing is I kinda liked him but the band was like…meh. So, the other day I don’t know why I saw something about the band and started stalking a little bit and found out Riker was on DWTS season 20 and I was like “can he even dance?” and then I played some videos and I was like “OH MY FUCKING GOD HE CAN FUCKING DANCE.” It was awesome and don’t ask me why but I’ve spent a whole day replaying his performances, and well yesterday I watched some R5’s interviews and it’s weird because I don’t like the band, but I guess I just watch them because Riker is there. I should write a list of my crushes but I should divide them like on categories because some of them are like “how the hell do you like this guy? But I do don’t ask me why.” So yeah, I spent almost all these days watching his performances.