#god adding a bit of jasmine green tea to this would make it even better.... but i dont have the energy to brew it n wait for it to cool.....

[certified-pinkwasher]

i found japanese white peach fanta at a gas station makolet and i added some white wine and it is DELIGHTFUL

[perhapsitmaybedragons]

God’s a Bastard, But Then So Am I Chapter 4

I’m just gonna ...keep writing this, huh? I haven’t been this motivated on a story in a long time.

As always, it can either be read on AO3 here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26633029/chapters/65144467

Or continue reading below:

Aziraphale was worried.

Well, more worried than he usually was, anyway. He had spent a great many years worrying. Humans had therapy, but angels didn't. He'd gotten curious and tried it once, but had left when the psychiatrist had made it clear she hadn't believed anything he said and seemed pretty keen on having him committed. Of course, maybe starting off by admitting his angelic nature had been a mistake.

He'd thought originally they might get some reprieve. It hadn't been that long since the last try at ending the world, couldn't get get a few months to enjoy the place? Or years? Centuries sounded like a wonderful idea to him. But he could sense them moving. He wasn't as close to it as he used to be, but he liked to think that maybe the Almighty was trying to send him advanced warning to help him prepare.

In truth, whether She had sent them or not, what he was sensing was the angels and demons that took shifts watching him from far off. There were wards that could make one invisible even to angels, but the problem was it couldn't keep them from sensing you completely. And since Aziraphale was such a worrier the universe rewarded him by giving him something to worry about, letting him feel the spies even if he couldn't see them. He reached for his phone to dial Crowley, but was interrupted by a knock at the door.

Ten minutes after they'd left Jasmine Cottage, Anathema, Newt and Adam had all arrived. They'd called ahead of time but he hadn't answered. Adam had left Dog behind in order to arouse less suspicion from his parents.

Aziraphale let them in, but spared a glance behind them trying to locate whatever was troubling him. No luck, but he knew it was there. He frowned at the seemingly normal day and shut and locked the door.

He'd always been fond of humans, but he particularly enjoyed this group. Sometimes it was nice to have company outside of Crowley. And Adam and his friends were a delight – little monsters, the whole lot of them, but in the sweet, harmless way children often are. They were even better now that Aziraphale had convinced them to pick up after themselves whenever they came to his shop.

He frowned. “Isn't it a school day?”

“There are more important things,” Anathema insisted. “We tried to call Crowley, too, but he didn't answer.” Nothing unusual there. He rarely answered calls from anyone other than Aziraphale, but he'd still show up wherever he was asked to go, complaining the whole time that he had things to do. “I texted him to meet us here?”she said that part expectantly, but Aziraphale shook his head.

“It's been a few days since I've heard from him,”Aziraphale admitted. That in itself wasn't too worrying. They'd gone centuries without speaking before, though now usually less than a week since those marvelous little cell phones had been invented.

“We may need his help as well,” Newt suggested, pulling out his own phone and texting Crowley. There was no reason to do it – Anathema had already had it covered. But to Newt's mind, Crowley had a sort of swagger that he would like to learn, and he was a bit stoked to have a demon's phone number (even if it had been given to him by Adam, and without his asking Crowley's permission first).

“I'm still doing things. It takes us ten minutes to get here from my house, every time,” Adam launched right into it. He hated the way adults made small talk and asked everyone if they wanted tea. Unless biscuits were going to be offered, he'd rather just dive right into it.

“Oh,” Aziraphale thought for a moment. “Any chance your car is just exceptionally fast?”

“It takes me ten minutes to get here on a bike, too,” Adam said before Newt could answer.

“Ah. That-That should definitely not be possible,” The car ride wasn't possible, either, but a bike going that far that fast was much more impressive. “Any other signs?” he glanced at Anathema. “You gave Crowley that prediction the other day. Were there any others?”

“I burned the book,” she said, looking embarrassed. He had a sudden moment of knowing exactly what his face had looked like when he had admitted to Crowley that he'd given Adam and Eve the flaming sword. “I didn't think we'd be facing another end of days so soon.”

“It's all right,” he said comfortingly. “I'll get some tea on,” noticing the face Adam made, he hastily added “and I've made some lovely cake – chocolate icing. Don't suppose you'd like a slice?”

Adam smiled and happily trailed behind Aziraphale to the back room. A quick snap of the fingers and everyone was settled in with a slice of cake and in the most comfortable chairs they'd ever sat in. “Now, I suppose it's best we get right into it,” he took a bite of cake and directed his attention to Adam.

“slike zis,” Adam started with a full mouth, but then seemed to think better of it. His parents didn't know what Aziraphale was, but if his mum ever found out he'd spoken to an angel with his mouth full she would probably never get over the embarrassment. He swallowed. “Mostly it's just a feeling. Getting here so fast is the only thing that I noticed so far, but ...but I swear, it's coming,” he looked pleadingly at Aziraphale.

“I believe you completely, dear boy,” the angel assured him. “I must say that I've had my own sense that trouble's brewing, though like you I can't quite get a handle on where it's coming from,” he pulled his phone out and made a face. “And a certain demon is not answering, but I would like to get his opinion on this,”

“You're sure no one's taken him or something?” Newt wasn't as practiced as Aziraphale at worrying, but he was almost as good at it.

“Be pretty hard to take him. Devil's own luck, as they say,” Aziraphale said cheerfully. But then his face fell. “But they did grab us once, so I suppose it's not impossible...” he dialed Crowley and started pacing while it rang.

“Not a good time, angel.” Crowley hung up about as quickly as he'd answered.

“Well, that was him, anyway,” he frowned. “So he's all right, but I can't see what he could be up to that's so important.”

What Crowley was up to was trying to get the nerve up to go to Heaven. Not the way a human might, of course. No, to go through the front entrance the way he used to before he'd fallen. He knew the way in, but he kept feeling like he was going to psych himself out. Once again God had refused to give him details of what he was looking for. Just a vague image of what part of heaven he was supposed to sneak into.

He was about to turn around and say screw it all when the phone rang. He let it ring twice before answering. “Not a good time, angel.” he said before hanging up. But he'd heard the little huff Aziraphale had given when he hung up on him. It was a mixture of frustration, anger and worry. They hadn't been out of contact long enough for Aziraphale to be worried about him (or so he thought, wrongly) so Crowley reasoned that if Aziraphale was worried something else was going on. Which might mean that Aziraphale was coming close to realizing the pieces were already starting to move in the latest war.

Which meant he would get involved.

Crowley didn't like the thought of that. He had been promised they would be left alone after all this, so it stood to reason that if he got everything done God wanted to they could get back to their lives.

Angels don't ward against glamours. They think they can see everything. And in truth, they can – but only when they bother to look. The problem with that is that right now, most of heaven has convinced itself that it's too important, too powerful for anyone to ever dare to try to sneak in. Once again he couldn't saunter, but now he had to hold his head up high, proudly, looking very self important. He tried to make a similar face to the one he'd always seen Gabriel wear, but the very feel made him want to punch himself.

So he changed his face a bit more – his hair was golden blond now, eyes blue and no longer hidden behind shades. He hadn't worn white in such a long time that his clothes were more startling to him in his reflection than any of the rest of him.

He couldn't use Crowley up here, but he wasn't about to use his old name, either. Heaven has a long memory, after all. He'd decided to go by Nathaniel if anyone asked, but he knew deep down no one would. If you were in Heaven, you must belong there. They didn't make mistakes, after all.

He took the escalator up, trying to push down the urge to just run up, dash through and get the hell – or rather, the heaven – out. When he reached the top he took a right. His feet knew where to go, even after all this time. To the Records Room.

He didn't know what he was looking for. He had some vague idea that God knew but for some reason couldn't tell him Herself and that was making him angry. What was the point of being all powerful if you couldn't just tell someone “Hey, here's what to thwart, get it done by doing this and you'll be all set by tea time”?

But the Record Room didn't look like it should. There were the file cabinets, of course. And the whole room was clean and so bright that he'd wished he'd kept his sunglasses on, no matter how quickly they would have given him away. No, what drew his interest was the three smoking vials on top of one cabinet.

They were all a dark, poisonous looking green and he had a vague notion he'd seen it somewhere before. He was tempted to break the bottles, but thought better of it. It was always possible it was a trap and that it would either alert everyone else to his being there or that it was disguised holy water. He had the sense to know that this was what he was looking for, but he had no clue what they were or what they were going to be used for. But they certainly didn't look like angelic.

He dared to pick one bottle up, holding it up toward the light to better examine it. The contents inside oozed and turned the same shade as his eyes – his real ones, not the baby blues he was currently hiding behind. He put it back hastily. He couldn't decide if he was supposed to take them with him or not. He thought he should, but God hadn't told him to take anything, just to go to the records room and “Come and See”.

He let himself out. He'd seen enough and coming here was awful. He kept his head up as he made his way back toward the elevator, but stopped and thought better of it when he caught sight of Gabriel. Or what should have been Gabriel.

Crowley wasn't as self assured as angels. He knew not to trust them – so he didn't fall for the same glamours they did. So he could see that it was actually Hastur dressed up as Gabriel and talking to Michael – Michael, for her part, was actually her same angelic self. He sidled up as close as he dared to get to them.

“I left them in the records room, all right?” Hastur said in his own voice. He wasn't even attempting to sound like Gabriel.

“Good,” Michael nodded, “We'll add the last bits to it before we give it back and you can do what I told you to,” It was a little obvious now she was enjoying bossing around someone with Gabriel's face. For once, Crowley couldn't blame her.

It seemed heaven was taking the lead in planning this time. That was concerning. They were smarter up here, with a few exceptions. Crowley tried to lean in closer.

“What are you doing?” Michael demanded. Crowley glanced around.

“Me?” He pointed at himself innocently.

“Yes. What are you up to?”

“Ah. Yes. Well, I am from the rainbow department. Just trying to get inspiration, thinking about making a new color – well, God might make a new color, I just implement it, don't I?” He was doing as best as he could to appear both haughty and stupid at the same time. Actually, an easier feat than one might expect.

“Then you should get back with the other rainbow makers,” Michael hissed at him. He was momentarily impressed. He'd never heard an angel hiss before. The snake inside him wanted to show her how it was really done, but he pushed that part away.

“Ah, yes, I will just be going now,” he headed back towards where he was pretty sure the rainbow makers had been stationed, then circled back around to the escalators only after he felt sure they weren't watching him anymore.

That was a close one, he only allowed himself to think after he was back in his flat.

[fallinglikemagic]

I’ve literally sent like 4 asks already and they all range from yandere to mynameisimgay But I’m on anon so u can’t hurt my self esteem anymore than it already it So “I dare you to go up to that cute girl and pretend to spill your tea on her” Mission accepted Walks up to girl with cup full of tea Girl opens her mouth to speak and Akko is so shook that she_______fill in the blanks_______

Sorry it’s been so long - depression has been kicking my ass for a while but I’m getting a bit better now and trying to get back into writing!

Read on AO3

_______________________________________________________________________

Akko wasn’t quite sure why she’d ordered tea. She was never exactly a fan of it - it was too watery, too dull. She always just thought of it as dumb leaf water. She just kind of ordered it on impulse.

She sighed, resting her head on her hand as she enviously gazed at Lotte’s iced coffee with cinnamon, topped with a ton of whipped cream.

Sighing again, Akko started looking around the cafe, trying to find something to distract her, something to make her stop feeling sorry for herself. The cafe was actually quite busy, filled with groups of friends such as Akko’s own working together to study for final exams. Many of them had laptops on them, vigorously typing, while others poured over textbooks.

As she took in the environment around her, one customer stood out to Akko.

A blonde girl, around Akko’s age. She didn’t have any books, no laptop, no notes to read over. She sat alone, occasionally taking a sip from a small cup in her hand as she looked at her phone, brilliant blue eyes quickly scanning the screen before scrolling with delicate fingers.

“Akko!”

Akko jolted, jumping in her seat before turning to her ginger friend, glaring.

“Lotte! What was that for?”

“I called your name 5 times already!”

“Wait, you did?”

“Seems you were a little distracted,” a deadpan voice added.

Akko turned to the owner of the voice, who was looking in the general direction that Akko had found herself staring at. The pale girl’s one visible eye was turned away from Akko, but when she smirked, showing off deadly fangs, Akko knew she was onto her.

“That blondie over there is pretty cute, huh?” she said, turning back to Akko, her deep red eye shining with mischief.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about Sucy!” Akko bluffed, looking away. “I was just lost in my thoughts!”

“Mmhmm.”

“I’m serious! I didn’t even notice that girl!”

“Then I’m sure you won’t mind spilling your tea on her.”

“Sucy!” Lotte scolded, glaring at the taller girl, who shrugged as if she had no idea what she did wrong.

“It’s not like she’s gonna drink that tea anyway, right?”

“I-I was gonna drink it!”

“Really?”

Akko chuckled sheepishly, knowing she was caught. “S-still, I don’t wanna waste it-”

“It won’t be a waste, it’ll be funny,” Sucy quipped, earning another glare from Lotte.

“I guess…”

“Akko,” Sucy smirked. “I dare you to go up to that cute girl and spill your tea on her.”

Damn. Akko couldn’t turn down a dare, Sucy knew this, goddammit now she has to do it-

“Fine! But if I get in trouble I’m blaming you!”

Sucy shrugged, really not giving a shit, while Lotte sighed, already planning out an apology in her head.

Akko stood up, picking up the cup with determination, not willing to fail the dare as she firmly walked over to the blonde, who had now finished her tea and was now reading a book - Greek mythology? Akko wasn’t good at remembering which gods were which.

As Akko stepped up to the girl, the blonde blinked, closing her book and looking up at Akko.

“What is it?”

Oh. Oh damn she. She has a really pretty voice.

And her eyes are a lot prettier close up.

And her hair looked so soft and Akko just wanted to run her hands through it.

And she was wearing such a pretty dress - simple, light blue with a darker blue belt and white accents - it was probably fairly expensive. Akko couldn’t spill tea on this, even if she wanted to. The stain would never come out.

And so, she panicked.

“H-hi, I just, um, well,” Akko glanced down at her cup. “M-my tea went cold, so I w-was going to bring it to the counter, but then I saw your cup was empty and you look like you might enjoy tea so I thought I’d offer it to you!”

The blonde raised an eyebrow.

“I swear I didn’t drink any! I was too distracted with studying!”

The mysterious girl watched Akko for a few more moments - damn those eyes were pretty, if intimidating to stare into - before holding out her hand. Akko passed the cup to her, ignoring the tingle as their hands touched, before placing her hands behind her back.

The blonde stared at the tea for a few seconds before taking a sip.

“This is jasmine green tea. It’s best served cold.”

“O-oh…”

“You had no intention of drinking this, did you?”

“How did you know?”

“Well, for a start, you were walking in the opposite direction of the counter,” the girl pointed past Akko, who turned to see that she was indeed correct.

“Oh…”

“Why did you order it?”

Akko tried to think of another cover story, but she knew it was best if she just told the truth.

“I don’t know why I bought it, it just…felt right at the time? But then I didn’t wanna have any and then my friend dared me to spill it on you but I didn’t want to so I panicked and you looked like you’d like tea anyway so I offered it to you and I’m really sorry!” Akko apologised, speaking almost too fast to understand. The girl in front of her looked over Akko’s shoulder - likely looking for the friend who gave her the dare, before nodding with a small smile.

“Well, I thank you for not spilling tea on me.”

“I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be,” the girl shook her head. “In fact, thank you. This is one of my favourite teas.”

“Really?”

The girl nodded. She seemed to think about something for a moment before bending down and picking up her handbag, digging through it for a moment before pulling out a notebook and pen. She wrote something before ripping out a page and handing it to Akko.

“As much as I would love to continue talking, I see you have studying to do. Thank you for the tea,” the girl said as she handed the paper to Akko with a smile that send a shock through Akko’s body.

“Y-yeah, no problem! You’re welcome!” Akko stuttered, turning away to walk back to her table. She ignored Sucy’s teasing comments as she sat back down, finally looking at the piece of paper in her hands, on which was a name and a phone number.

Diana Cavendish

“Diana…” Akko smiled. Even her name was pretty.