#goat yells at ignorant fuckers

[goat-yells-at-everything]

Had a semi Karen moment at Walmart today.

I'm picking up some meds and this worker in a reflector vest comes up and tells me that Rosie has to go in a cart from now on. I'm like, what?????? He goes "its the new policy. All dogs gotta be in the cart with a pad in it. Its cuse people are allergic to dogs."

I'm like... what???? Thats not... thats now how this works????? She weighs 60+ pounds??? How the HELL am I suppose to lift her into a cart?!

He replies, "well, thats our policy now and if you can't follow it then she can't come back in here." And he just fuckin walks away?!

The kid at the pharmacy counter is just as confused as I am.

So I finish and go up to customer service. I tell the girl "I'm really sorry but im probably gonna have a Karen moment" then explained what happened. She looks at me like I've got 2 heads and im about to go off if she says the same thing he did. Legally they CANT make that required. Not by the ADA. Its an undue hardship on the disabled person and ive got receipts to back me up that I printed and fucking laminated and keep in my wallet.

But she just looks at me and goes "who the hell told you that?!"

So she takes me to her supervisor and we explain it all again and SHE looks at me like I'm nuts and says "what??????"

Long story short, no. Thats NOT the policy at Walmart.

The new policy is, IF you have a small dog that you DO put in a cart (like a pet or esa or even an SD that doesn't need to be on the ground to do their job) then you need to have some kind of barrier between it and the cart. Food and safety put that into effect cuse of people with allergies and the fact our Walmart has fresh food.

It is NOT that a person with a disability has to hoist their 60+ pound dog into a cart to go shopping.

Someone got their ass chewed out and, y'know, I ain't sorry. Fuck him for giving me an anxiety attack for no reason except that he's ignorant of policy/possibly on a power trip.

Another supervisor, i think she's one of the store managers, saw us a bit later and she always comments on how cute Rosie is when she sees us but this time she does a quick screech to a halt and goes "oh hun! I wana say how sorry I am about what happened. I'm gonna make sure this is addressed with everyone so it doesn't ever happen again. You know you and her are ALWAYS welcome here. You ever have an issue again you come find me and I'll raise hell, ok?"

Love people who stand up for our service dogs.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Was the Lando/Oscar situation awkward? Yeah. Did I think Lando would give the position back? No, actually, I didn't think he would. Did I think he had to? Honestly, debatable.

Do I really care? No, not really.

Because I called Verstappen and Lewis making contact! For two laps I heard the way he talked on the radio and the moves he was trying to pull and I KNEW he would do something stupid. I just went "that fucker will push them both off" and oh the moment there was contact I yelled and jumped off the couch and I almost started cursing but then I saw Lewis was okay and kept going and there was no way Max would get him and no joke I started cackling. And the Rosberg interview? I almost expected Nico to ask Lewis "would you have given me the position back?". Imagine the drama😂

All jokes aside I feel bad for both Lando and Oscar. I mean, Lando was close to winning three races, one was destroyed because of Max the other because of slow pit stop and now he had a moral obligation to give the position back.

And Oscar? He has been consistent and he deserved the win today, he deserved a few other wins too and this day was kinda ruined through no fault on his own. That sucks. He should be glowing on that podium and he isn't and that sucks.

I really want to be a fly on the Mclaren and Redbull debrief tonight👀

But I think it's really important that the drivers appreciate their team and there is this team spirit, it's been very obvious in the past how disastrous not having unity in the team can be.

sorry babes you won't catch me sympathizing with lando 😅😅😅 (and i am not just saying that because piastri is my second fave)

but verstappen omg????? OMG????? This is exactly what happened with Lando before (When they both crashed).

I am still waiting for him to get ma penalty for that stunt he pulled but we know how this shit goes...

Also GP calling him "childlish" on the radio - KJDNCJSK YES SIR YOU TELL HIM.

Once again, I feel bad for Piastri because his first win is going to get overshadowed by all the drama but I KNOW BOY HAS MORE WINS TO COME. But Mclaren needs to get their shit together. They have the fastest car now. SO ACT LIKE IT.

Also i am ignoring all the drama because the true goat of the race was of couse sir lewis hamilton doing 30 laps on those hard tyres and getting his 200th podium!!!!!!

[ask-sister-solaris]

This person inspired me to write something for Terzo. Please check out their works.

“I’m always here, Amore mio”

The dull thud of a body hitting the floor echoed through the summoning chambers. Terzos head had already been re-sewn to his body. Christine held his cheek and sacrificed the goat, pouring the blood all over Terzo.

She drew the pentagram in dark charcoal and drew a symbol on his exposed chest, the same symbol on hers. She lit the candles and closed her eyes, she began chanting the incantation, drawing the inverted cross in the air. Christine wanted Terzo back, no she needed Terzo back.

She cursed imperator and her changing grew louder, almost a shout as it echoed through the vast summoning hall. A dark red light shone from the symbol on his chest, and not soon after hers started shining a burning pain in her chest.

She ignored it and continued to chant. The room began filling with red smoke, she could see demons and imps running around, little illusions that starters to summoning would be terrified of. She closed her eyes and changed louder against the winds whipping against her. She stood her ground.

As she yelled the finally line there was and explosion and she was projected backwards. As the dust and smoke cleared she sat up eyes quickly zooming over to Terzo. He was still laid out, covered in goats blood.

She rushed over and took him in her arms. She sobbed and held his bloodstained body

“Please come back to me! Please please I beg”

Broken sobs wracked her body, her cries echoing off every surface. She didn’t notice at first his shallow breathing. Terzo groaned and grabbed her attention. She looked down at his handsome face and that….that grin…

“Dolce mio…what…happened- The last thing I remember is seeing you sobbing your heart out….as my head-“

His hands travelled to his neck and he felt the scar. Sickness churned in his stomach as Christine held his face, her own tearstained.

“I brought you back….Satanas is smiling up at me today”

She let out a hiccup and hid in his chest, as he played with her hair and shushed her lovingly. He loved her, he didn’t want to lose her and imperator needed to pay.

“Im always here Amore mio”

Fin

[queennicoleinboots]

Taco Mac with Colonel Mac, part 1

Colonel Mac and I were shopping at Kroger while we waited for Mr. Williamson and his wife, Jewel to join us. Joebear was playing League of Legends in the bear cave and swearing and growling at fellow players. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and his wife, Megara were arguing about the next meeting of the Secret American Society of Sexually Frustrated Goats. Michael the Great Arc Angel and Paul the Goat were filling tax documents and trying to help the common man. Meanwhile, Colonel Mac and I ran into the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man.

"Hey! Kool-Aid's here!" the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man said as he was jacking off in the middle of the floral section.

"That's apparent," Colonel Mac said. His Southern accent is extremely funny to listen to. I would love to hear him recite the Gettysburg Address or sing the National Anthem.

"I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!!" he yelled as he burst through the wall to leave Kroger.

I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

A random Karen who was wearing a NK-95 mask was walking briskly through the store with her basket of organic goods and shouting, "What an ignorant asshole! He wasn't wearing a mask!"

Colonel Mac just stared at her and blinked before he rode away from her. He stared straight ahead as we went to produce. Then he spoke, "She forgot to mention that breaking through six feet wide of drywall WAS why the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man was ignorant. Not to mention yelling that he was sexually-frustrated added to his level of ignorance."

Colonel Mac had a great voice. He was correct.

"He must be a Republican," I said as I was looking through half-rotted produce. Fresh produce has stopped existing since the early twenty-tens.

"That is the ONLY way in which he is not ignorant!" Colonel Mac said as he put his bear finger in the air. Colonel Mac was a diehard Republican. He hated Jim Carrey. The only movie he liked Jim Carrey in was Liar Liar. He hoped Jim Carrey went back to Canada because he couldn't stand how democratic he was.

"Ugh!!! I hate buying produce. Every time I buy it, it just needs up in the garbage!" I said loudly in frustration. I gave up and bought the four organic vine tomatoes that were already packaged.

"IN YOUR GARBAGE!" the Grinch who happened to look like the one in the Jim Carrey movie in 2000.

Colonel Mac rode up to him and asked, "Are you a Democrat?"

"Why yyyyyeeeessss I am! Why do you ask?" the Grinch asked.

"Because you sound a helllll of a lot like Jim Carrey!" Colonel Mac said.

"Why yes. I'm related to him!" the Grinch shouted.

Colonel Mac backed away and started to help me look for some decent spinach.

"I'M HIS UNCLE'S COUSIN'S SISTER'S MOTHER'S BROTHER'S FATHER'S NIECE'S AUNT'S GRANDFATHER'S GRANDMOTHER'S DAUGHTER'S SON'S FORMER BUNK MATE IN THE GULF WAR!!!!" he shouted. Every mother fucker in the produce section looked at him.

"What does that make you?!" another Karen shouted.

"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!" he shouted before his laughter boomed throughout the store. Finally, something interesting happens in this place that doesn't involve fucking Peter Parker.

Peter Parker hates Kroger and going out during Covid-19. I'm convinced that he and his mother really are living underground and saying "Fuck the world." That's why I only see that asshole in the swamp every now and then.

"Ugh. More organic stuff. Are you a Karen?" Colonel Mac asked as he saw me put OrganicGirl Spinach in the cart.

"Yesssssssss! I am!" I hissed at him as I was trying to get out of the garden of rotted vegetables and fruits.

All of a sudden, Paul the Goat charged in the produce aisle and bleated loudly. "I can't take the government anymore! I can't take the conspiracy! And most of all, I will not stand for our poisoned food supply or KARENS!!!!" he shouted. "Hiyah!" He was quickly checking the produce and throwing the spongy, rotted fruit at the Karens in the store.

I hid my basket in a corner and started rolling on the floor laughing.

"NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL QUALITY CONTROL!" Colonel Mac yelled as he laughed and slapped his knee.

The Grinch yelled, "AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!!!!" He then hobbled after the Karens to terrorize them.

The Karens were running for their lives.

Mr. Williamson and Jewel literally walked in the store before the Karens rushed to the cashiers to pay for their groceries. "Okay, time to go, Jewel. Let's come back later when all of this craziness isn't going on," he spoke as they turned around.

The Grinch was making all kinds of barking noises as he hobbled around every aisle to terrorize customers. Paul the Goat was bleating and throwing rotted produce like it was going out of style.

The manager of Kroger came out and started laughing out of shock.

"You should work here instead, Paul! You're great at quality control. Besides, this is more like Robin Hood than doing tax work!" I shouted in the midst of belly laughter.

Paul the Goat bleated. "I should! It's much better than my actual job. And more fun! Fuck rotted produce. And fuck Karens!" he said excitedly with another bleat.

The manager stumbled over to Paul the Goat while laughing. "You're hired as the head produce manager! Apparently, the current produce manager is a Karen."

Sure enough, the fat produce manager walked out with her brown hair right near her chin and wore ugly glasses over her blue eyes. She was the biggest Karen I ever saw. I wanted to fucking beat her with my cart.

Paul the Goat bleated loudly and sounded like a trumpet before he threw rotten peaches, rotten bell peppers, and rotted bags of green beans at her.

Smeagull hobbled in the store and was eating the rotted fruit on the floor. The Grinch came over and started eating it as well before he yelled, "IN YOUR GARBAGE!!!!" again.

"You have to pay for that!!!" the store manager yelled.

"MY PRECIOUS!!!!!" Smeagull shouted as he threw the ring at the store manager while he continued to eat.

The store manager put the ring on his finger before he took it off and put it with his keys to the store. "Thank you, Smeagull. You now can eat all the rotten produce you want for life!" (Pays to be a swamp golem.)

The Grinch hobbled over to the store manager before asking, "Are you hiring?" He then smiled with crooked, half-rotted teeth. Come to think of it, he looked like a typical Georgia swamp creature.

"Yes! Yes, I am," the store manager said. "We need a stock person and entertainer. Georgia is too fucking boring."

"I'm your guy. Let me eat the rotten fruit and meat that would end up in your garbage, and that will be all the payment I require," the Grinch said as he tapped his fingers on both hands together.

"You're hired!" the store manager exclaimed. (See? There are jobs if you don't mind eating rotted, poisonous processed food for the rest of your short life. Well, the Grinch is immortal, buuuutttt nobody seems to give a fuck about that right now.)

"FUCK! I FORGOT THE ONIONS!!!" I shouted.

Paul the Goat threw a rotted one at me. "Here you go. Damn Karen," he said.

"Thank you but no thank you," I said as I threw it at another Karen. "I'll try again at Publix."

"Can we at least buy the taco shells, taco seasonings, and the salsa here? Publix is expensive," Colonel Mac said.

"Agreed," I said.

So Colonel Mac and I went to look for the items before Joebear called me. I answered, "BAE WHUHHH!!!!"

Joebear growled his trademark growl before he said, "OH MY GOD GET IN THERE! FUCKING PUSSIES!!! This fucking team. Get the fuck out of here, dude." He was swearing at League of Legends.

"Bae Whuhhh! You don't know what I've been through today. I'm trying to get the fuck out of here," I said and laughed.

"This would be an easy win if people would stop being retarded," Joebear said.

"Yes, BAEWHUHH. But people are retarded. Smeagull and the Grinch get to eat rotted fruits and vegetables for life," I said.

Colonel Mac snickered in the background as he put Ortega taco shells and McCormick taco seasoning in the cart. At least he grabbed the Simple Truth medium salsa.

"The fuck is wrong with them?" Joebear asked.

"I don't know, bae!" I said.

Colonel Mac almost went to the check out line before he yelled "FUCK I FORGOT THE MACARONI AND CHEESE!"

"Get Simple Truth or Annie's!" I shouted at Colonel Mac.

Joebear sighed softly.

"We're making Taco Mac, Bae Whuh," I said.

Joebear's stomach growled in response.

Colonel Mac grabbed five boxes of macaroni and cheese and put them in the cart. Then we sat our fat asses six feet apart from the other customers/Karens in the store. The Karens had rotten vegetable/fruit guts in their hair and on their clothes. Paul the Goat was still throwing rotten fruits and vegetables at Karens. Smeagull hobbled out of the store with a bag of rotten meat.

The Grinch was singing Christmas Carols in the middle of July.

"DID YOU SEE THAT?!" Joebear shouted. His stomach growled.

"Yes Bae Whuhh. It was ridiculous. Christmas in July!" I shouted.

"GET THIS FUCKING BITCH!!!!" Joebear shouted before sighing.

Apparently Paul the Goat heard Joebear from where he was and threw a rotted lime at a baby boomer Karen. He missed and hit another Karen.

"Can we get her?!" Joebear asked. He was bitching about Jinx in League of Legends. "The fuck out of here!"

Colonel Mac and I checked out and got the fuck out of there.

The Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man was fucking the Hawaiian Punch Man in the parking lot when Colonel Mac and I were on our way to Publix.

At least Joebear's team killed an inhibitor and grew some fucking balls. It is a rough game for no reason. Diana went a fucked-up build from what Joebear was telling me. It was like his team was trying to make it hard.

Speaking of hard times, Colonel Mac's van wouldn't crank up. So, I had to take all the groceries in my van and run the AC while we waited for AAA. What a nightmare.

"They're going to fuck around with our jungle. Darius always charges after me. It's like UGHHHH!!!!! We went damage! AH HA!!! No wonder we're losing! The fuck out of here, dude! The fuck out of here, dude! Fuck you! Fuck you! No, fuck you! Get em Y! Get em Y! Get a kill for once!!! We're losing because of Xin. If he would have gone tank, we would have been fine. Go! GOGOGOGOGOGO!!! It doesn't matter just go! Why are we stopping? Look at all this fucking bullshit!!!" Joebear said and sighed as Colonel Mac was contacting AAA.

All right, next game. Next chapter. Next story.

[writing-anomaly]

Torn

Fandom:  Jojolion

Summary: Yasuho’s life is tearing at the seams. The volatile Rokakaka trade is catching up to them and when Josuke unravels, Yasuho  is pushed to her limit. She’s left more vulnerable than ever as she struggles to protect two men who barely know her.

This a story in which the protected must become the protector.

Chapter 4

"Fuck!"

Josuke fell with a grunt, tasting all the gravel that hadn't lodged itself into the skin of his face, arms, and knees when he fell gracelessly into the bushes.

Following Yasuho had been a snap decision.

His lungs burned, his feet hurt, and his heart was freaking out.

In all honesty, he hadn't planned on leaving the Higashikata estate. But his gut made him go after her, slippers and all. Yasuho's face was seared into his mind.

The hurt in her eyes..

Why wouldn't she tell him what was going on?

He'd fix it no matter what it was.

Why couldn't she just trust him..

Josuke huffed, trying to regain all the oxygen he'd let slip away during his pursuit. He had sprinted with a reckless abandon, causing a ruckus as he almost ran into a bewildered drunkard. The man had wanted a fight, but Josuke hadn't the time.There were more important pursuits he was after.

Yasuho was keeping something from him.

Ignoring the pain, he hoisted himself back onto his feet, looking around to gauge his new surroundings. He stepped out of the bushes of what looked like a small a park and onto the sidewalk. This prefecture was more populated than the suburban area of the estate. The Multi-story buildings told him that he had reached the downtown area at the heart of Morioh. Neon lights blared offensively, bringing attention to a wide variety of shops. More than a few shady characters weaved in and out of questionable establishments with storefront windows displaying whips and an array of strange contraptions.

Oh, no. The bus!

Josuke nearly gave himself whiplash as he searched for where the bus had turned to. Letting his focus slip for a fraction of a second could cost him everything. Sure enough, he saw the rearview lights of the massive vehicle three blocks down from his current position and turning onto what he recognized as the entry ramp of the highway.

"Shit, shit, shit!"

He was prepared to hunt it down regardless. Savoring the last bit of unlabored fresh air he'd have for a while, he spared himself a cat stretch.

Then booked it.

He went on blind dash down the street, not bothering to look for stop lights, straight into the oncoming traffic.

"You stupid fucker!"

The driver of a red corvette expressed his displeasure as he honked his horn, swerving in order to avoid hitting the young man. The car after that stopped abruptly, earning itself a hearty ram from behind, curtesy of the next car.

But none of that mattered.

He was about to lose track of the one person who mattered in his life, aside from his "mother," Holly Kira. The streets were becoming increasingly more crowded than he thought they should be on a Friday night. Much to his irritation, he was forced to weave in and out of crowds of rough-looking night prowlers. The horde of hoodlums became thicker with each step and Josuke found himself having to push his way through, grabbing shoulders and faces alike, just in order to clear a path.

Not good.

At this rate, he'd never catch up to Yasuho. Josuke scowled. A burning Irritation was quickly replacing whatever hope he had to find her.

"Hey, watch it!"

A rough hand snatched the fabric of Josuke's collar, nearly choking him in the process, and he was forced to look into the green eyes of a very aggressive, haggard looking fellow. The large man appeared to be in his forties, with sharp features and an overwhelmingly prominent nose. His flushed face, was as round as the moon, and sparsely covered in what Josuke dared to call a beard. Two, equally unattractive women clung to either one of his arms, scantily covered in leather vests and ripped spandex. Their bodies were practically spilling out of their clothes.

"Listen punk, that was my gal you pushed just now. I don't take kindly to disrespect." The threat, hardly concealed within the man's thick accent. His weathered face contorted into an expression so fowl, the muscles in his forehead formed what appeared to be horns.

Josuke regarded the man with bewilderment. "What's that on your face?"

"The hell you talkin' bout?"

Josuke could feel his nose hairs disintegrate from the hot breath that escaped through the holes in the man's decaying teeth. Faintly, he pointed at the metal piece poking out from either side of the man's nose. Without giving him a chance to reply, Josuke pinched the tips of the silver stud where it rested in the bridge of his nose, and yanked it straight out.

There was a loud crunch followed by a scream as horrid as grinding metal.

The two accompanying females looked on in horror as blood gushed from their lover's face like a faucet.

"Kevin-kun!" The blonde woman shrieked as the brunette fawned over the Gaijin who was holding his face while crying in a fetal position.

"There, there, babe.." She dabbed his face with a napkin she pulled from her cleavage. The injured man paid her no mind, opting to look up at Josuke who was trying to rub the blood off his formerly white shirt.

"Aaaw, man. I just washed this too.."

"You bastard..." he growled in between snorting the blood that continued to leak out of his face.

Curious onlookers had formed a circle by this time, though none moved to intervene. A petty fight was not the outcome Josuke was hoping for when he decided to leave his house. He heard the siren of what he recognized as the police in the distance then decided it would be best to take his exit and avoid a more dramatic scenario.

Josuke scanned the area for a reasonable pathway, taking note of a wisp of pink hair flowing through one of the gaps in the crowd of people.

There was no need for him to push his way through this time, as anyone standing in his path was swift to remove themselves, throwing him wary glances as he wiped a few specs of blood from his porcelain skin.

"Yasu-" He began to yell for all his excitement, then thought against it.

Maybe he shouldn't disturb her.

When he was free from the multitude of people, he glanced at the massive entrance to the building that everyone had been crowded in front of. On the wall was a large poster signifying the concert of a punk rock band. It depicted the severed head of a goat along with snakes, skulls, and roaches crawling along an apple.

It was rather grotesque for his liking.

Shaking his head, Josuke continued to stalk Yasuho quietly from the shadows.

Yasuho climbed the stairway to her apartment with much trepidation.

Her mother had never brought a man home before.

..this was uncharted territory.

She tried to imagine what type of guy her mom would go for.

Rich, was a given.

Growing up, her mother never worked a steady job. Though, somehow the lights never went off and there was always money for food. It wasn't unusual for her to sport designer clothes and mink furs, so whoever she was involved with had to have been loaded..

He was probably an old dude too.

Yasuho imagined a short, little wrinkly dude, fawning over her mom as they shopped for the latest Gucci gear. She was aware of the whole sugar daddy concept, and most of those relations involved buttering up a lonely guy with deep pockets and nothing to loose.

Yasuho hoped her mother wouldn't resort to such.

Upon reaching the final step to her floor, she saw that the walkway was clear, and began to move toward her own abode. There were several wooden doors along the inner wall of the concrete building. Each had their own assigned number mounted in silver.

Unit 708 was the apartment she shared with her mother.

On second thought..

Yasuho took a moment to compose herself.

She stepped to the outer end of the breezeway, readjusting the heavy grocery bag in order to relieve the blood flow in her finger tips, before opting to set it down.

The cool air was exactly what she needed to soothe her nerves.

Leaning against the railing, she gazed upon the Morioh city skyline.

A thousand golden lights danced along the horizon, beautiful enough to rival the stars above. It was a clear night aside from a few sparse clouds that glowed pearlescently in the moonlight. The atmosphere was not quite as peaceful as one would expect to relax in. She could hear the bustling traffic and uninhibited yells of bar patrons beneath her home; an unavoidable cost to living in the affordable, yet sketchy part of the town.

Yet having spent so much time in that environment, Yasuho allowed the roars of the city to lull itself into a hum of ambience within her ears. It was like an auditory haven where she didn't need to process the day to day strife she was force to live.

It was a far cry from Josuke's peaceful abode in the Higashikata estate. He'd been adopted into a family of multimillionaires, and Yasuho was sure he still didn't know just how lucky he was. She, herself, was all too aware that he resided in a part of town she could only dream of being able to afford.

Speaking of which, the guilt of her departure was starting to sink in.

Technically, Yasuho had ditched him when he only wanted to ensure her safety. Josuke was such a gentleman and sweeter than any guy she knew. Yet, when he tried to comfort her, she pushed him away...and she felt so bad for it.

Was she thankful for the swift escape?

Of course, there was no denying it.

Buying the alcohol and spaghetti was not a problem.

Nothing unusual about that. Everybody had to eat. And she was grown enough to have a drink if she wanted it.

...but the condoms..

Yasuho peaked once again in to the plastic bag she held, setting her cheeks ablaze in an instant as she recalled her shopping experience.

She had tried to be as discreet as possible.

Morioh was a sizable town, but word spread around fast and she preferred not being the center of the latest gossip. Thankfully, no one was in the intimate care isle of the corner store so swooping in and snatching the XL pack went without incident. It wasn't until she presented her items to the cashier that the man took the liberty of reading the package label out loud.

With that stupid pervy look on his face..

"Extra large! My, you must be a lively young lady!"

She could've died on the spot.

All the more reason to be thankful that she had left Josuke behind. She couldn't fathom, having to explain to him why she was buying a pack of Trojans.

But still...she wished her mother just hadn't bothered her with the task at all.

With one last sigh she braced herself to face her mother and her mysterious love interest.

"Here we go." She walked up to her door and grabbed the handle.

Suddenly her phone chimed and her navigational stand, Paisley Park spoke up.

"Choose one option." Her stand's mechanical voice piped up

1. Text Josuke or 2. Text Josuke

"You're right." Yasuho happily agreed and typed up her 'apology' text.

Yasuho: I made it home safe.

That didn't seem to be enough.

Yasuho: Miss you already <3

She'd make it up to him later.

Gathering her resolve, she grabbed her bag off the ground, turning toward her apartment. Yasuho had barley touched the handle when the door flung open and she was rewarded with a mouth full of hair.

"Hi Honey!"

Yasuho's mother squeezed her like she was shaking down a bottle of ketchup. The curls of her honey auburn hair glowed like a wild fire in the fluorescent lighting of the foyer.

An array of kisses, assaulted Yasuho's cheeks.

As much as Yasuho'd hate to admit it, the overwhelming display of affection softened her heart. This was the mom she always yearned for. A mom who was sober enough to greet her with a smile; who didn't allow her own thirst for love to dry up any affection she had to give to her own child.

"Hi mom." she replied faintly.

Yasuho felt her body giving in..

..slipping, into her mother's embrace.

And it terrified her.

After they separated, Yasuho was able to get a good look at her mother, Suzuyo Hirose. The cigarette smell she remembered her by, was absent. Her eyes were bright, just like her hair which she had lightened from it's natural dark color. And her slim but curvy figure was clothed in a modest, white, polyester v-neck and a knee-length fuchsia pencil skirt.

It was very..professional..

Was this the same Suzuyo Hirose who gave birth to her?

"Oh! I have a surprise for you! Well, he's waiting in the kitchen.." Suzuyo smiled ecstatically and grabbed her daughter's free hand.

So I was right...there is a guy..

Kicking off her shoes, Yasuho barely registered the chime of a text alert before the door shut behind her and she was pulled deeper into this alternate dimension she called a home. The place was almost unrecognizable. What she had come to know as a landfill was now devoid off all the wear and tear that came with being occupied by a dysfunctional family.

It was clean.

Shiny even.

There were no empty food containers laying around.

The wine stains in the living room carpet had been eradicated.

No broken glass to cut her foot upon.

Yasuho could even see her own confused reflection within the dark wood floors.

Where am I, really?

Part of her was suspicious of a stand attack. This had to be some kind of mind freak, or practical joke. She wouldn't have been surprised if Tsurugi was playing one of his 'Let's trip up Yasuho' games again like he did when he took away her ability to differentiate faces and signs.

An even greater part of her feared that this was legit.

Yasuho's stupor was lifted when she bumped into her mother who had stopped short of the entrance to the kitchen.

"Mom, what's wrong?"

Her mother was trembling.

Suzuyo swiftly turned to face her. The faint crinkles above her rosy cheeks framed her glossy chestnut eyes. She squeezed Yasuho's hand, coming close to whisper in her ear.

"I feel like we're about to start a new chapter. I know I haven't been the perfect mother, but, just know that I love you and I want things to be better between us."

Yasuho nodded mechanically.

It felt like the right thing to do. Whomever this love interest was, had to be really important to her mother. Slowly, Yasuho brought her hands around the older woman and hugged her, resting her head on the crook of her neck. If she had truly found her happiness, then Yasuho would do her best to support her.

For now, she'd reserve her judgment.

Yasuho moved break the embrace, but found herself tangled within not one, but two sets of arms.

"You're just as lovely as your mother." The unfamiliar voice was deep and oddly rhythmic like the bass of a drum.

A tall figure overshadowed her mom from behind.

Yasuho's body tensed.

Omg, he's touching me!

"Kaito, I thought I told you to wait in the kitchen!" Suzuyo giggled, releasing Yasuho to grab ahold of her lover's arms from where they were wrapped around them.

"Sorry dear, sensed all the good vibes coming from the hallway and I couldn't help myself." The man, Kaito, was grinning wide as a Jack-o-lantern. He was a clean cut man, with a perfectly symmetrical face. His hulking frame was moderately built and draped in a perfectly tailored, emerald dress shirt that his ripped jeans rebelled against. Dark hair and brows accentuated his tanned skin, creating a stunning contrast to the platinum eyes in which the light seemed to dance.

Suzuyo playfully booty-bumped him, causing the man to hunch forward reflexively as he stumbled back a step.

He grabbed his crotch and faintly mouthed the word "Ouch."

Yasuho stood in silence, watching the playful interaction unfold.

"Sorry dear, let me introduce you properly."

Suzuyo Hirose bit her lip, eyes alight with a spark she hadn't seen since their family was in one piece.

The love doves shared a knowing expression then faced Yasuho together with the widest smiles on their face. They both presented their left hands to Yasuho, but it was her mother who continued to speak.

"I'd like you to meet your new father."

To be continued...

[mama-m1na]

Journey of the Chaos Trio: Chapter 8

                                                  ~~~VIII~~~

As the red dragon flew over Xadia Runaan made sure the shadows didn’t get too close.

It was a tense ride as the dragon flew as fast as she could and the ravenette’s condition was only getting worse as she had to keep using her magic to keep the attention of the shadows.

“Mina, you need to stop,” Tijarah gently scolded as the girl coughed again.

Her hair looked ratty as she had been stressing for the two hours of their flight, she had turned quite a few shades paler, and her eyes were so clouded that they could have been classified as grey.

Before she could protest the ravenette looked down to see the saddened eyes of the baby dragon then up to the many worried glances of her friends before letting out a weak huff.

Three hours later the dragon landed in the clearing of the tree with the shadows circling above them.

“You need to keep them close but don’t let those things into the clearing,” Rhamina commanded weakly as Choe and Tijarah helped her off of Kerstin, “Them same goes for all of you. No matter what happens you do not come back into the clearing.”

“Rhamina, you’re too weak to even stand on your own,” Runaan said with a glare as he jumped of Kerstin.

“If you’re worried about me dying, it’s going to happen either way,” she said with a weak glare of her own before a shriek came from above them, “There’s no time anyway now go.”

With shaky hands Rhamina passed the bat to Chloe and ushered Zym to follow Tijarah.

“Come on, Hun, it won’t be safe for you here.”

The dragon refused to move from it’s spot next to her ankles before Tijarah picked him up and the girls warily let her go to stand on her own.

Rhamina watched as the group dispersed into the trees or into the sky followed by one of the shadows.

Turning to the tree she limped her way over almost tripping over herself a few times.

Kneeling before it she removed her hood from her face and took a deep breath.

She could feel the magic of the tree calling to her as she let her aura expose itself as her eyes closed.

Upon feeling the magic one of the shadows turned to the tree only to be smacked away by Kerstin’s tail.

“Not on my watch, Bitch!” she exclaimed.

After feeling a connection with the tree the ravenette opened her eyes and began her spell.

“Shadow cold and dark. Make the final plea…”

The long locks of raven hair began to float around her as the air became thick and tense.

“Take the sands of time. And set the spirit free”

The tree began to develop cracks in it as she continued her incantation.

“Wither and decay. End this destiny…”

The cracks began to glow purple as it filled with energy.

“Break these earthly chains. And set the spirit free…”

As the ravenette looked down to her arms her veins began to glow the same shade of purple as the tree’s trunk began to split open at the cracks and reach for her.

“The spirit free…”

Everyone snapped their heads back towards the clearing once the moment they could no longer feel any trace of the ravenette.

“What the hell just happened?!” Kerstin asked as she pushed back one of the shadows.

“We need to go check, hoot!” Chloe exclaimed immediately running towards where they left the ravenette.

“Chloe!” Tijarah yelled as she remembered the directions she was given.

“Fuck!” she exclaimed, her worry overpowering her want to not mess anything up.

They weren’t the only ones because about five minutes later everyone of the group had appeared at the clearing looking for the female but all they saw was the tree.

It was balled up and only seemed to close tighter as a few got an idea of what happened.

“Did the tree just fucking eat Mina?” Sam asked as she watched a purple light pulse from the cracks that were still in the wood.

“Sam, Kerstin, how exactly did she meet the Fates?” Runaan asked still in shock.

“We don’t know,” Kerstin answered ignoring the distant shrieks of the shadows, “She never told us. Why?”

“She told me that this tree was a gateway to meet the Fates,” he explained looking at the tree.

“So do you think this was how?” Tijarah asked still slightly shocked, horrified, and disgusted.

“Most likely.”

“It worked!” Viren laughed as he looked into a crystal ball at his study, “She actually went to break the seal!”

“Indeed; however, there is no telling how long that could take,” the elf in the mirror commented.

“What do you mean?”

“With that spell she needs to reabsorb all of her previous powers while abandoning her human body and manifesting her other form,” Aaravos explained through the caterpillar on the human’s ear, “It was quite vast you know. Those kinds of  things take time.”

“You didn’t tell me of this,” Viren said with irritation.

“You never asked,” the elf smirked, “And if you want your plan to work then you will have to be patient.”

“Well, no matter the wait, our weapon will be revived.”

Rhamina felt as if she was floating until it felt as if she was falling.

Her eyes snapped open once she felt her ass hit the ground.

“Mother fucker!” she growled as she stood in the familiar desolate wasteland.

“You seem to be doing well,” a smooth female voice chuckled.

“Not the time Mer’as,” Rhamina huffed as she stood up and dusted off the white dress she was in before looking up at the female with olive skin, black hair styled into a bob and ram horns on her head.

“You seem grumpier than when we last saw each other,” a smooth, deep voice commented causing Rhamina to turn and flip off the male who had olive skin; long, straight, black hair; and curved goat horns on his head.

“Eat my fucking dick, Ruzamad!”

Both beings looked quite similar to each other due to the fact they were siblings.

The Fates who looked over this world.

They both wore black clothes with black leather straps and matching dark, metal collars.

The ravenette only rolled her eyes before setting off in a certain direction.

“Where are you going?” the female asked from her left as her brother fell in step from the right.

“What do you think?” she hissed, “I’m getting my body and powers back.”

The siblings gasped as their eyes widened.

“Are you sure you want to do that, Love?-” “Don’t call me that!” Rhamina snapped as the siblings were silenced by her glare, “You aren’t here to question me, you’re just here to test  those who try to find the truth and I’ve already passed.”

She continued walking in between the fates but quickly noticed the surroundings were different than when she was here last time.

“What is this?” she asked looking around only to see the siblings panicking, “Why is this part different?”

“What do you mean?” Mer’as asked.

“Nothing’s changed since you left,” Ruzamad finished only earning a glare from Rhamina.

‘Liars,’ she thought as her eyes soaked in the different sights and sounds as she kept walking in a straight line.

‘No way…’ she thought keeping a straight face as a realization came to mind, ‘Are these the truths of other worlds?’

“We’re here,” chirped Mer’as as the trio stopped in front of an oversized, black chest.

Rhamina did not hesitate to step forward as the chest as well as her pendant began to glow purple before the chest suddenly flung open and purple wisps began to surround the female.

She could feel herself changing as her feet left the ground. Her hair grew down to her knees and a pair of black fox ears materialized a top her head accompanied by nine, large, black fox tails tipped in purple.

Her attire changed to an elegant, black and purple kimono with slits running up both sides of them to allow for easier movement in combat.

“I’ll be asking you more questions later,” she snarled at the Fates before waving her hand.

In front of her a white door with golden flourishes appeared in front of her and she placed a hand on it before continuing, “But right now I have bigger problems to deal with.”

As the door closed behind the ravenette Ruzamad sighed and said, “Now their both awake and she has the full truth.”

“The others will most definitely not be happy with us,” Mer’as sighed as she looked up at the twinkling sky above her.

Viren could only watch with a large smile as a golden glow began to surround the female trapped in ice.

It grew even more as the ice began to crack causing the golden light to seep through.

“Yes...”

“Yes.”

“Yes!” he cheered as the ice completely shattered causing the female to fall to the ground.

She groaned as her eyes fluttered open and found themselves on the mage.

“What happened?”

The group was beginning to tire.

It had been about an hour since the female had been engulfed into the tree and they had been battling ever since.

“Fuck! How long is this going to take?!” Tijarah asked as she threw back a shadow for about the hundredth time.

“We shouldn’t have let her do this!” Sam exclaimed mostly in worry for her sibling’s wellbeing.

Suddenly a large surge of magic came from the tree they were protecting and it’s trunk straightened out before the branches uncurled revealing healthy plum colored leaves.

However, once it was fully opened a familiar form was there radiating with pure magic as her raven locks floated behind her.

“Mina!” cheered the girls tiredly.

“I’m sorry I took so long guys,” she said as she floated to meet the group on the ground as the shadows seemed to watch, “You can sit back now. It’s my turn.”

“Rhamina, we’ve literally tried everything!” Callum panted as the ravenette laid him down gently.

“I know that’s why I’m here now,” she spoke quietly before turning to the shadows and glaring.

“I don’t know what you’re planning but you got what you want!” she announced looking directly at each individual form, “I’m fully awake and so is Marianna. Just know that you will repent for provoking me!”

As soon as she was finished speaking she stepped forward and her tails whipped around striking each shadow once before it’s form dissipated leaving behind a magenta wisp.

She held out her hand before flicking her wrist towards herself and the wisps floated closer to her.

“Sknaht rof eht leam!” she chirped before consuming each one.

She then turned to the group who basically sat in shock while Sam and Kerstin were filled with excitement to have their sister back at full strength.

“You really are something aren’t you?” Runaan smiled, still trying to catch his breath.

“Yep, and that something ain’t good,” she chuckled before going to her bag and collecting a large flask as a soft glow covered her form leaving her in her previous clothes save for the cloak, “You all take a breather and I’ll be back with water.”

As soon as she got back Rhamina passed around the flask and sang the song of healing again to take care of the groups injuries as the bat flew back to hook onto the front of her shirt.

“So does this mean Marianna is awake again?” Sam asked causing the ravenette’s ear to twitch.

“Yes.”

“Oh, my god we are so fucked,” Kerstin laughed as she threw her head back, “Peace here didn’t work, Viren’s on our ass, and Marianna’s awake.”

“Arrrrrrrrrr,” Sam nervously chuckled, “The Chaos Trio strikes again.”

“So what do we do now?” Callum asked as the past few events came to sink into their heads.

“Since the Queen of Dragons won’t want peace then maybe we can convince the humans,” Rhamina suggested with her back to the group, “We can take it up with the other four kingdoms and work to get Viren out of control of Katolis; which, reminds me. Shouldn’t Ezran be ruling right now?”

“That’s right, it’s been weeks he should be king by now and he wouldn’t order an attack like that,” Rayla said in realization.

“Do you think Viren was just kicked out and working from somewhere else?” the prince asked.

“No, that couldn’t have been him on his own,” Rhamina replied without skipping a beat.

“Yeah, it was way too strong for him on his own,” Tijarah added.

“Too strong for a single human,” Rhamina said, “Even with ‘Dark Magic’.”

“Well there’s at least one good thing that comes out of Marianna being awake,” she sighed rubbing her temples.

“What possible good thing could there be about that bitch being awake?” Sam scoffed.

“She was on board with Dark Magic but hates it being used so if Viren uses it all the time she’ll get pissed off and hopefully kill him for us.”

Back in the room of ancient treasures Viren lowered himself to one knee and bowed his head as he said, “Welcome back, Princess Marianna.”

“Who are you?” the ravenette asked as she stood holding her head before her eyes widened, “Where is the Queen?!”

“Your Highness, please calm down and let me explain our situation,” Viren said as he looked up at the armor-clad female.

As he explained what happened in the past thousand years, Viren led the female knight down the halls of the castle earning strange looks from the staff.

“Isn’t that Rhamina?” one whispered.

“Didn’t she go missing?”

“Her hair is so short now!”

“Where did she get the armor?”

“When did she get that serious?”

Once the pair had entered the mage’s study the ruby-eyed teen asked, “You say there were two princes in this kingdom? Where are they?”

“I’m afraid to say that they are deceased.”

“I’m not fond of liars, Mage,” she growled narrowing her eyes at the male, “Just now some of the maids were talking of how Prince Ezran was being locked up in his room and considering the fact his father is dead, he is next in line for the empty throne.”

“W-well, as he is now he is not fit to rule,” Viren tried to explain, “He is too young and I am acting as his regent.”

“Take me to him.”

“W-what?”

“A kingdom without a ruler is just asking to be overthrown,” the ravenette said standing up, “Let me meet the boy and I shall decide if he is fit to rule or not.”

“B-but-” “I may not have been the one to take the throne but I am still the oldest member of the royal family,” Marianna said sternly, “If anyone should judge what it takes to rule it would be Kitsami but she isn’t here at the moment so I will have to do.”

“With all due respect, Your Highness, Kitsami abandoned the humans.”

“She did not abandon us!” snapped the teen,eyes glowing red as a surge of energy blasted through the room causing the ground to shake slightly, “Those elves and dragons took her from us! All she wanted was to be cared for and no one gave it to her. Even I didn’t realize it until it was too late… But I will be getting her back. She is the one who woke me up after all so I know she’s alive.”

“Now,” the knight said calming down as every object that was floating dropped to the ground, “Take me to the Prince.”

“I-I… Of course,” Viren said gaining his composure in front of the powerful being, “This way, Your Highness.”

Ezran looked up from his bed as three knocks came from the door.

“Prince Ezran, there is someone who is here to see you,” the voice of Viren said from behind the door before it creaked open.

“Rhamina?” he asked seeing the teen’s face only to be confused at her attire, hair length, and eye color.

“Why is everyone asking if I’m ‘Rhamina’?” the ravenette asked turning to the mage before sighing, “Nevermind, answer that later.”

“Hello, Prince Ezran, I am Princess Marianna Verum Salvator Ibadora, and I would like to speak with you for a bit.”

“If the human side is willing to have peace then maybe Xadia will as well,” Rhamina said, “After all morals and crap. If they’re willing to stay true to their honor then they won’t attack a side that shows no aggression.”

“That is true,” Runaan said, “But how are you going to get the humans to agree?”

“I don’t have to get everyone, just the rulers at least. If anyone gets in the way I can take care of them individually.”

With that statement everyone looked at the ravenette with sceptical looks.

“What? I’m not going to kill them!” she whined, “Shock them maybe but that’s as far as it will go. The only problem we’ll have is getting Katolis on board especially if Marianna is there. She has a way with words to get people to follow her.”

“Mina, you would say similar shit in order to convince people of things,” Kerstin said, “And most of the time it wasn’t true.”

“Yeah,” Rhamina shrugged, “We both had the impeccable gift of bullshitery; which, brings up another problem. We had almost the exact same strengths and thought processes so the moment she suspects I’m up to something she’ll probably be able to come up with a counter.”

“Yeah but, Mina, you have a lot of things over her,” Sam said as the trio of thousand-year-old females smirked.

“Exactly, you’ve been here constantly learning new things and strategies while she’s been stuck in ice for the past thousand years,” Kerstin added.

“Mainly the fact I’ve got physically got nothing to lose so I have no problem just rushing in and decking someone in the face,” Rhamina chirped causing the everyone to erupt into laughter, “No, I will but I’ll be careful. I swear.”

“So which kingdom would we try to convince first?” Chloe asked from her spot.

“I would say Duren,” Rhamina said, “Queen Amaya is much more reasonable than most of the adult rulers and the others won’t take much convincing unless Viren tries to bash her reputation and risk war amongst human kingdoms.”

“Wait, Rhamina- no, Kitsami, I guess,” Callum said a little confused as to what he should call his elder.

“Either one is fine,” she chirped as her tails wagged slightly, “But yes?”

“Did you ever step down from the throne?”

“I mean I flew off on a dragon while flinging the crown into a crowd.”

“Did you formally give it up though?” he asked with widened eyes.

“No, I didn’t, why?”

“If you took back the throne in Katolis then could you convince the other kings and queens?”

“What?!” exclaimed the ravenette in surprise, “Callum, what are you saying?!”

“Mina, he’s right you know?” Tijarah commented, “You still have power over the humans by technicality.”

“Ibadora doesn’t exist anymore,” she huffed as her ears twitched in irritation, “And, Callum, what about Ezran? Don’t you want him to be king?”

“I don’t want to take anything away from him but he’s too young,” Callum spoke sadly, “He deserves to live a bit.”

“You’re right about that,” Rhamina sighed as she looked up to the afternoon sky, “Being the ruler of a kingdom is taxing on the mind and body.”

“All the paperwork, making sure the kingdom is safe before yourself, assassination attempts, people constantly trying to manipulate or kiss up to you for power, holding comments to keep your reputation, never knowing if people are your real friends or using to to get power, keeping secrets, and a whole shit tone more,” the ravenette continued, “It sucks ass.”

“Well, at least you never got the brunt of it,” Kerstin shrugged only for the ravenette to shake her head.

“I actually think it’s worse as a child who is next in line,” Rhamina spoke, eyes narrowing as she remembered her own childhood, “When you’re young you’re naive and people try to take advantage of that. They try to teach you that their own way is right and influence you so that when you’re older you do anything they want. Those born into ruling families are pawns right from the start. We’re only tools for political power to anyone who gets to us first.”

“Is it really like that?” Rayla asked turning to Callum who was looking down the entire time as the ravenette was talking.

“Now that I think about it, yeah, it was,” he sighed, “I remember a lot of the time when Mom or Dad was away important people were always trying to talk to me and Ezran to convince us about their ideas.”

“Your father was a good father and king,” Rhamina smiled, “very rare to find now a days, he realized them trying to manipulate you both and did his best to keep them separate from you. You should have seen the frustration on their faces.”

“Based on the way you act, I’m guessing you helped with that?” Runaan asked with a smirk as the female’s ears perked up and she began to stutter.

“Nope! I did- nope- not really- well, only a little!”

“Mina! some of those politicians almost shit themselves. Hoot!” Chloe chirped with a bright smile.

“Why do you think Dad always kept you near the boys when people like that were over?” Tijarah chuckled, “You always glared them down anytime they got remotely close.”

“You were just like a mother fox protecting her kits!” Kerstin laughed as the ravenette’s face began to turn red and her tails stiffened in embarrassment.

“Well what else was I supposed to do?!” she exclaimed using her tails to cover her body like a shell, “Let them corrupt the precious children?!”

“Awe, Mina, you floof!” gushed Sam as she reached out to glomp the female.

“No, I’m not fuck off!”

Soon Chloe and Kerstin added onto the pile with the ravenette reaching out for help from the rest of the group only to be met with laughter.

“Why?! I trusted- Ahh!”

Everyone stopped to look down in surprise at the ravenette who let out the high pitched yelp.

Rhamina immediately stopped her movement and covered her mouth as she turned to glare at the females on top of her.

“Who the fuck grabbed one of my tails?!” she asked as her face became even more red.

“Mina!~” sang Kerstin and Sam with smirks on their faces as the ravenette struggled to get out from under them.

Poof!

As the smoke dissipated a little black fox with nine tails and a bat clinging to her back stood growling and baring her teeth at the females as the dragon and elf approached her.

Backing up the fox ran to Runaan before skillfully climbing up to his shoulders using her tails to keep her there as she hissed and batted at her partners.

“Awe, that’s cute!” Rayla cooed only earning a glare from the black fox.

“I’m not cute!” she barked, “I’m an all powerful fox! I will eat you!”

This only earned more laughter from the group and irritation from the fox.

“Now, let’s calm down shall we?” Runaan asked reaching up to scratch under the fox’s chin causing her to release her hold on him and flop down to his lap.

She then began nuzzling into him before looking up and asking, “More pets?”

“Mina!” Chloe exclaimed not happy at the female’s contact with a male despite him helping them quite a bit.

Runaan brought his hand to keep petting the fox who let out happy trills at the attention.

After about ten more minutes the group made their way to the nearest village to get some rest.

At this point Rhamina was now in her humanoid form as the group walked into a barn a couple let them stay in.

“Hey do you guys want to hear a story?” The ravenette asked with a large smile as her tails wagged.

“Yes!” Chloe chirped as the bat squeaked in agreement.

“Yay, this one is about me,” she smirked, “And something I did like a hundred years ago I think?”

“As we were out a-hunting, one morning in the spring. Both hounds and horses, running well, made the hills and the valleys ring,” Rhamina sung as she looked up at the moon from the open door, “But to our great misfortune, no fox there could be found. Our huntsmen cursed and swore but still no fox moved over the ground.”

“Mina, no. No more foxes.”

“And up spoke our master huntsman, the master of the chase. ‘If only the Devil himself come by, we'd run him such a race!’” the ravenette smirked as she continued her theme, “And up there sprung like lightning a fox from out of his hole. His fur was the colour of a starless night, and his eyes like burning coals.”

Her smirk only grew bigger as she could hear fox calls in the distance.

“And they chased him over the valley, and they chased him over the fields; They chased him down to the river bank, but never would he yield,” Rhamina sung over the desperate cries of Sam and Kerstin, “And he's jumped into the water, and he's swum to the other side. And he's laughed so loud that the green woods shook. Then he's turned to the huntsmen and he's cried:”

“‘Ride on, my gallant huntsmen! When must I come again? For you should never want for a fox to chase all over the glen. And when your need is greatest, just call upon my name And I will come, and you shall have the best of sport and game!’”

Soon the group could see the glowing eyes of tens of foxes as the ravenette continued her call.

“And the men looked up in wonder and the hounds run back to hide. For the fox, it changed to the Devil himself where he stood on the other side,” she sang with a large smile and all nine tails wagging at the sight of her brethren, “And the men, the hounds, the horses went flying back to town. And hard on their heels come a little black fox, laughing as he ran.”

“‘Ride on, my gallant huntsmen! When must I come again? For you should never want for a fox to chase all over the glen. And when your need is greatest, just call upon my name. And I will come, and you shall have the best of sport and game! Ride on, my gallant huntsmen! When must I come again? For you should never want for a fox to chase all over the glen.’”

As soon as the female stopped singing the foxes were running around and playing in the empty barn.  

“Mina!” cried all the girls as the foxes ran on and over them while Rhamina was on her knees reaching out to play with them.

Soon enough all the foxes began to trill and sing to which Rhamina did the same.

A large smile was on her face and all of her tails were wagging happily while the bat fluttered around the barn playing as well.

“Come on aren’t they all adorable?” the ravenette gushed holding one up who was visibly smiling.

Rayla laughed as she played around with the canines as well.

“They are quite cute,” she chuckled as one jumped up onto her shoulders.

After about half an hour the foxes left and went back out the barn while the group began to set up their beds.

“So how exactly are we going to make it past the border?” Kerstin asked as they grouped up, “Mom, is back at the border now and things are getting quite literally heated with her and the Sunfire elves.”

“Well if this is going to be fair then we might as well make a big entrance right?” Sam asked, “We are the Chaos Trio after all.”

“Chaos Trio plus five,” Kerstin corrected.

As the others were talking Rhamina curled her ninetails around her to act as a blanket for the night.

‘The Chaos Trio has been revived and so have you, so you will decide how our war will end… With peace? Or will you deny the truth again?’

~~~Fin. Chapter 8~~~

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Picture: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/558939003739231659/

Songs Used: “Hurt Incantation” - Tangled the Series (My Cover); “Black Fox” - Heather Dale

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[untitledpseudonym]

The Director’s Cut

“ANNNNND CUT” 

A loud click and a gruff voice smelling of smuggled cigars and bourbon fills the set of director Randy McCullahan’s horror film studio. 

He steps out of his director’s chair, setting aside his glass of Eagle Rare, and starts walking

 to his star. She is currently laying on the ground of the kitchen dining room set, and covered in latex intestines and scarlet red theatrical blood.  

“What is it now, Mick?” the beautiful raven actor says, raising her hands up in confusion. Randy ignores her briefly to acknowledge his 7 ft star looming over the annoyed, fakely mutilated actress. 

“Chet, just wanna say, you’re doing a great job. Really embodying the killer vibe. Make sure you go back to makeup artists to get your mask refitted, it really seems to be slipping off.” Chet looks at the director, emotionlessly, his Ice blue eyes making it’s way past the thin film that covers the eye holes of his goat mask, piercing the director, and walks away towards the makeup crew.

“Heh, truly a method actor.” he says

“Uh, hello!” says the annoyed, actress. Randy sighs, displeasingly. 

“Ah, yes of course. You.” He says pinching the bridge of his nose under his glasses. “Whaddya mean me?!” she says standing up. Letting the fake guts and blood spill and drip of her. “That’s just it, Eve! It’s you! You’re not truly terrified. Your performance all day has been absolutely dreadful! You have shown no emotion in your death scene in 60 takes! We’ve burnt through 2 and a half hours of valuable film time just because you choose not to act! Like what am I even paying you for?!” Randy says yelling at her. Eve puts her hands on her hips. “I have given you my all for the entirety of this production! I talked to the other producers and crewmates and they all agree I've done the scene right the first 15 takes AT LEAST!” She spits back. Randy looks back at the crewmates and back at her. “Is that right?” he asks softly. Eve crosses her arms. “That’s right.” 

Randy nods and walks over to his director’s chair, softly repeating to himself: “uh-huh, that’s right, huh? Uh-huh, that’s right, huh? Uh-huh, that’s right, huh?” over and over until he gets to his chair and grabs the half drunk glass of Eagle Rare, and launches it, gently grazing the ear of the once righteous, now fearful actress. “This is my fucking set!” Randy bellows. “My fucking production! We will film until you all say your lines in sleep fucking paralysis! I don’t give a fuck how right you think it is, bitch! As long as i’m paying for your shit, you will deliver! Let me reiterate for all of you, since according to your ring leader Eve, you all support her claims.” Randy reaches under his directors chair and pulls out a M1911 pistol and fires off two bullets into the studio warehouses ceiling. Everyone shouts and ducks,some flee the set, clearly afraid of the director’s rant. “AS LONG AS IM PAYING FOR YOUR SHIT, YOU WILL FUCKING DELIVER!.” Randy shots above the petrified chaos he has commenced. He glances over at the terrified faces of his cast and crew and notices chet in the distance standing looking at him, fearlessly. Randy points his gun over at Chet. “See! True fucking actor right there, EVE! Take note.” Randy glances down at his watch and back at the terrified film cast. “Well, Chet earned you all the right to take five. See you all on set soon.” Randy waltzes off the set, but not before giving eve a death stare. 

“I fucking hate that creep.” Eve said to her friend Caroline, who was laying across from her on the italian leather couch.  “Eh, you get used to it. I mean, hell, I’ve been placed damn near every one of his casts and it’s basically the same song and dance. No matter how hard you try, he will make you repeat takes, Over and over again. You do the same things and he gets the same result. Personally, I think he does it until he gets tired.” She says looking at her. “Don’t let it get to you.” 

“That’s the thing Caroline, it does get to me. Everything was the complete opposite since my first day shooting. He was vibrant, likable even, but now he somehow managed to turn not only himself, but the entire cast and crew against me. You’re legit the ONLY one who will talk to me.” Caroline blinks twice and yawns. “Well, I’m not talking to you. I’m your fucking dog, you fool.” Caroline says.

“Oh.” Eve says. 

“As the designated therapy dog for everyone in Randy's movies, I’m used to having to listen to my master’s bullshit, over and over again. In the end though, it’s the same result. Always.”

“...What’s that? I didn’t hear you.” Eve said, focusing on removing her makeup in the mirror. 

“Oh, haha. Very hilarious. Maybe I should give Kevin Hart a call and tell him he has some new competition.” 

“Oh, Puh-Lease, shouldn’t you be sniffing your asshole or something?” 

“Well maybe you should--” 

A loud knock banged on the trailer door. A deep gruff voice spoke. “Eve Kraken? Are you decent?” the person on the other door said. Another voice spoke a bit more quietly. “Why don’t we just kick that bitches door down. She’s probably busy talking up her next toy for the evening anyways.” Eve gritted her teeth and slammed down the makeup wipes she had in her hand and marched to the door swinging it open with force. It was one of the producers. “Miss Kraken, we need you on set like right now.” Randy stepped in front of the producer. “You stupid fucking bitch.” he said angrily. “You took off your goddamn makeup, didn’t you?” 

“Well you said take five, so I was gonna re apply the makeup for the next scene we are gonna do.” she said, honestly.

“The next scene? The next scene. Davis, you hear her? The next scene. Bitch, We are still on the scene that you can’t fucking get right in the first fucking place.” Randy said sternly through closed teeth and clenched fists. “Just put on your fucking makeup and get your tight ass back on set before I give you two black eyeshadows that will take fucking weeks to get off. That’s not a threat. It’s a promise.” His Rum and Cigar breathe spread out on her face like a wave of pure disgust and hatred. She felt numb. All of his words had invoked a certain fear and rage inside her. This wasn’t just today, you see. This was everyday for Eve. She HATED randy. She FEARED Randy. The check she would receive every week for this treatment, seemed not even worth it. She gulped. “Yes, Randy. I'll be on set in five, please just, five.” Randy gruffed and walked away. The producer shuts the door, before briefly saying “Way to go, retard. Now we’ll all pay.” Once she can hear their footsteps fade away from the trailer, Eve screams. A trail of tears drip down her face as she punches her makeup desk over and over under her hands are bruised and bloodied. A small knife rumbles and tumbles off the desk. And onto the floor, making a slight, but noticeable clunking noise onto her hard wood floors. Eve looks down at it and kneels down at the small blade. 

“Take it.” Eve looks up at Caroline who was now sitting across from her. 

“What?” Eve said.

“Take the fucking knife and kill the fucker.” Caroline said to Eve. 

“Your mouth, it’s moving..” Eve said startled. 

“I know. Get the knife. Now.”

The knife that once sat between the now talking canine and distressed girl was now neatly tucked in Eve’s hand. It’s settled. 

**********************************************************************

“Come in.”

Randy said after three knocks on his office door.  He put down his cigar and pencil, drawing his attention away from his notepad to the disheveled Eve. Her knuckles were bloody and bruised. Her eyes were puffy and red from the tears she shedded. She had a knife in her hand. 

“The fuck are you doing in here. I told you to get your tight ass on set.” 

“Why?” Eve said calmly walking towards his desk. 

“Bitch, why? We have a fucking movie to shoot and you can’t get a fucking simple scene right. That’s why. Now get out of my office.” 

“Why do you act so cold hearted towards me?”

“What? Listen either get out of my office or I will make you get out.”

“Oh I'd like to see you try.” Eve whips around and shuts and locks the door and slams her bruised hands on his desk. 

“Now, tell me now. Before I do something, I am going to regret it.” 

“Bitch I don’t owe you a goddamn thing,” Randy sits up staring her dead in the face. “Now, go back on fucking set or so help me g--” Eve’s hand whips up and send her knife straight under the directors chin, slicing his throat. The adrenaline sends her into a fit of rage and she leaps onto his lap over the desk and continues to stab him repeatedly in the shoulders and head, crying and screaming. “IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU”. Eventually she ceases. Now covered in her tormentor's blood, she cries in his lap. She sniffles and starts to walk towards the door. She knows she’s going to jail. She knows that her life is over. But jail is no comparison to the hell she had to endure from him.  She notices on Randy’s Desk a yellow notepad with her name etched at the top. The color and font of the blue ink pressed on the pad was old and it cried out to the girl, begging her to read it. Eve wiped her hands on Randy’s pants and picked up the notepad and started reading it’s contents:

EVE

The Art of filmmaking doesn’t oftentimes require the effort put forth upon the actors cast and crew. It’s also the director to get their actors to put in their best efforts. Eve was my ultimate test to this new philosophy I created. I didn’t pick her for her acting talent alone, no. I picked her because she grew up well. Two loving parents, upper-middle class lifestyle in Los Angeles, plenty of friends etc. Knowing this and her talent in horror movies, I understand that there may be a grey area when it comes to achieving true fear and paranoia and capturing it on film. So, much rather than encouraging her to undergo method acting, I am going to be doing  a little bit of acting myself. I must belittle, hurt, bully, and cut her down to my best of efforts. She will HATE me. This however will develop a true sense of fear. She will no longer be acting because chet is chasing her character. She will be acting because she will be in fear of me causing more harm to her. This publication will be proof to other directors to follow my footsteps to really push their actors to their limits. I will continually be posting updates on this project of mine during my time filming my horror film. 

Eve covered her mouth in shock. He wasn’t the villain in this story. He just wanted a genuine reaction out of her. To capture a real piece of human terror on film. She couldn’t believe it. She didn’t know what to do. She teared up as she began to tremble in fear. Her eyes darted back and forth between Randy’s corpse and the Notepad. She just killed a man. The blood was on her hands. There are knocks on the door. Fuck, What should she do. She can’t run. The office is blocked off. They’re calling for Randy. Shit, Shit, SHIT. She’s trapped. This is her first of many cells. Her room to sit in her regret before the mental regret of her actions. The door is barged in and Chet walks in still in his killer costume. He glances over at the body and over at her.

Motionlessly looks at her.

It’s all over for her.

“AAAANNNNNNNNNNND CUT”

“Eve that was fantastic work, your reaction was fucking perfect.” Said the director. 

Eve helped up Randy, who had trouble getting up after she sat on his lap.

“Do we have to do that again, since it was perfect?” Randy said whinyily 

“Unfortunately yes. Over and Over again.”

[queennicoleinboots]

The Secret Society of Goats Has New Uniforms and New Members (repost??)

Lindsay, my best female friend, started off the meeting with a ritualistic truth dance. Mr. Thor, Murphee, Lindsay, Peter, and I led the meeting.

Asshole Peter is now rank 16. He was able to ignore my cat, Kissy, a new member of the secret society of goats and not die. As a result of his razzle dazzle bullshit, I turned that mother fucker into a giraffe yesterday. I was supposed to wait until November to turn him into a giraffe, but fuck him and his tall, pale, and awkward bullshit.

In other news, I turned myself into a jaguar as a side effect of the spell. I can bleat, but I always sound angry because Peter W. Parker pisses me off. I'm hungry all the time, too. At least jaguars are predators to giraffes.

Peter's girlfriend, Joselyn, constantly talks about how she wants to ride him. She loves riding giraffes, especially if they are assholes like Peter. She sat on his back when the meeting officially began.

"Ladies and Gentlemen... and animals," Mr. Thor said.

Murphee barked to acknowledge this statement.

"We have a new member. His name is A. P. Himmel," Mr. Thor said.

A.P. Himmel stood up. "Oh Lord. Please, Mr. Thor and all members of this secret society of goats, call me Paul," he said with an excellent bleat.

Everyone except asshole giraffe Peter bleated.

Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing was still struggling with his bleat. "Damn," he said.

"Oh God. My cousin's named Paul," Peter said. "And he isn't part of the secret society of goats... Should we appoint this Paul with a title?!"

Everyone, especially the women, bleated in affirmation.

"Yes! Paul the Goat?" Mr. Thor asked.

Paul laughed hard and hearty. "Yes. Paul the Goat is suiting," he said.

"Wonderful! Let the induction ceremony begin!" Mr. Thor announced.

Everyone bleated. Joebear growled in affirmation. He was a good beast.

"Come on stage, Paul the Goat!" Mr. Thor said with authority.

Paul the Goat went on stage. Everyone bleated. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing was still having trouble bleating, so he coughed to clear his throat.

Kissy meowed out of turn and started biting Joebear's ankles out of excitement.

"Stop, Kissy," Joebear said kindly.

Kissy stopped before she pawed at his toes.

"I said, 'Stop,' baby girl," Joebear said.

"Quit!!!!" I yelled in the middle of the induction ceremony.

Joebear and Kissy perked up. Everyone stared at us.

"Sorry, bae. She's just a little kitten. She's excited. She didn't mean anything by it," Joebear said.

Kissy meowed an apology.

"I know, but we're conducting a meeting. When we get done inducting Paul the Goat and discussing business, you guys can do your bullshit. Until then, stop!" I yelled.

"You're a little strung out, huh?" Joebear asked.

"Yes, dear," I said as I hissed before roaring at his bear ass.

Kissy reared up in fright.

"Ahem. Well, Paul the Goat, I need you to sign these forms," Mr. Thor said.

Peter's phone made a noise as it frequently does these days. "Jesus Christ, Dad! I'm at an important meeting!" he yelled.

"Tell your dad to cool it!" I snapped.

"Who the fuck are you to say anything to me?! I'm rank 16! You're rank 15. Shut the fuck up," Peter yelled and bleated in giraffe language.

Mr. Thor smashed the ground with his hammer and screamed. "For the love of God, I'm trying to induct a new member, and you guys are being asshats. I'm rank 29. On my authority, shut the fuck up!" Mr. Thor yelled.

Everyone at that point started to act like a normal goat/bear/giraffe/cat/jaguar/dog.

Paul the Goat bleated out of excitement as he signed the documents.

Everyone bleated. Mr. Thor bleated again. Murphee barked. Kissy and Garfield meowed.

Tug burst in the door.

"Oh God! I forgot to lock the door again. Fuck it. Can we induct Tug in the secret society of goats? This is the second fucking time he's done this shit!" Murphee said dramatically.

"Sure! Paul the Goat is still signing documents!" Mr. Thor yelled and threw his hands up while holding his mighty Thor hammer.

Joebear's phone rang, and the Pokemon theme song began.

"Oh for the love of God..." Mr. Thor said as he sighed loudly.

Joebear yelled. "I forgot to turn the phone off."

I answered the phone and put it on speaker.

Everyone bleated to answer the phone. The theme song changed to a cheery Christmas tone from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (2000).

The phone spoke and sounded like the Grinch in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey. "If you are a goat that needs health insurance, press 1. If you are a bear that needs health insurance, press 2. If you are a cat of any kind that needs health insurance, press 3. If you are a giraffe that needs health insurance, press 4. If you are a dog that needs health insurance, press 5. If you are a toilet that needs health insurance, press 9. If you'd like to fax me, press the star key."

A few goats in the background laughed. One goat said, "I wish he'd call me, I'd press 1. I hate owing on taxes because I don't have health insurance!"

A few other goats, Lindsay, Prince Carrington, and I laughed at his response.

Joebear sighed loudly. He said "Oh my God!" quietly before he spoke in a regular tone. "May I speak to a person?"

"Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful AND triumphant!" the voice that sounded like Jim Carrey's grinch said.

Everyone in the meeting hall laughed hysterically.

The phone clicked before a person answered in an Indian accent, "Hello?!"

"What company are you?" Joebear asked.

Everyone bleated loudly. Paul the Goat bleated even louder to prove his worth.

"Excuse me? Do you want health insurance?" the man with the Indian accent asked.

Joebear growled. "What. Company. Are. You?"

The phone hung up, and the Christmas theme song stopped.

"Ignorant asshole. I'm collecting a check from you!" Joebear said before he growled and bleated at the same time.

Paul the Goat announced, "I am finished signing the documents!"

Tug howled and half-barked.

"CAN WE INDUCT MY DOG AND MOVE ON WITH THIS GOD-FORSAKEN MEETING!!!" Peter yelled as he jumped up and down. Joselyn was holding onto him and giggling.

"YES! I'D LIKE TO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Mr. Thor yelled before screaming in Asgardian language! "Tug!!!"

Tug howled loudly and jumped on stage. "I'm ready! My house is exploding! Let's get on with this!" he said.

Peter sighed his trademark sigh and bleated out of frustration. "Not again!" he yelled.

Mr. Thor beat the floor with the hammer before he turned to Tug. "Tug, do you, Great Basenji, agree to follow the code of the secret society? Do you agree to burst in on a meeting only for an absolute purpose of doing right by a moral code?"

Tug howled and reared up in agreement.

Everyone laughed and bleated.

Peter's phone went off again. He looked down and yelled, "DAD!" He was texting him back and humming.

Tug looked over at Peter and yipped a few times out of frustration.

"Getting frustrated with Peter is an essential part of being a member of this society," Mr. Thor said.

Tug howled loudly in agreement.

"Peter is a fucking asshole," Mr. Thor said.

Tug and Murphee howled in agreement.

"Fuck you!" Peter yelled.

"This meeting wouldn't exist without Peter saying 'Fuck you,'" I said.

Kissy and Garfield meowed in agreement.

Mr. Thor let Tug go through the papers to put his paw print on the appropriate dotted lines.

Joebear petted Kissy and Garfield to comfort them.

When Tug was filling out paperwork, Peter all of a sudden bleated like the giraffe he was. He jumped up and down with Joselyn riding his back. He bleated one more time like a giraffe before running out of the meeting hall at full speed.

Everyone except Tug and Mr. Thor looked out of the window and wondered what the fuck that was about.

"What was that about?" Joebear asked while he looked legitimately confused and scared. "This reminds me of the time I went off on Covington Credit in Athens over the phone for reason only apparent to me six weeks ago."

We watched as Peter chomped on some leaves on the trees outside to relieve stress and anxiety that his dad causes him on a regular basis. Apparently, Peter had gotten hungry from the bullshit this meeting put him through.

Joselyn was petting his back as she rode him. She bleated several times. A few times, she bleated in his ears. He bleated back softly.

We bleated loudly several times in response. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing still had trouble bleating, so he coughed and said, "Baaaaahhhhh!" He should have been in the secret society of sheep based on his larynx ability. He was still welcome in the secret society of goats, though.

"Oh God, you people are such normies. You don't know it. Just wake up one morning and listen to yourselves. Listen to yourselves. You're normies," Mr. Thor announced.

Everyone laughed and bleated.

Murphee barked in agreement.

"MURPHAY!" I yelled.

"MURPHAY!!!" everyone yelled. Everyone added an obligatory bleat.

Joselyn rode Peter back into the meeting hall.

"We have returned," Peter announced as he slowly laid on the mat next to me on the end. Joselyn's ass stayed glued to Peter's back.

"Welcome back, Peter," Mr. Thor said.

"Welcome back, Peter," everyone said. Everyone bleated.

Peter and Joselyn bleated well.

Tug slammed his paw on the last document and announced, "I have finished my paperwork. Please get to official business. Peter's father isn't faring well. We must make haste!"

Joebear smashed a spider near him. "Sorry. He was too big. He couldn't stay," he said.

Mr. Thor spoke, "Jesus... Now that the spider is gone, we can talk about new uniforms."

Tug sighed. "Of course! I picked today's meeting to call an emergency for Jamie. Jesus.... uniforms..."

Mr. Thor threw a Viking hat on Tug's head and said, "Go forth. Relay the message that Peter shall be there shortly."

Tug rushed out of the meeting hall and said, "Thank you."

When Tug rushed out, Gabby, Mr. Thor's missing thin tabby cat with pale blue majestic eyes, walked through the hall in regal style. Everyone looked to him and bleated.

Gabby came on the stage. Mr. Thor crowned him with a Viking helmet. Gabby thanked him. Murphee howled in his honor.

When Gabby spoke, he had the melodic deep voice of James Earl Jones. "Hello everyone of the secret society of goats and to the basenji that ran out of here in honor."

Everyone bleated loudly and said, "Hello!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Paul the Goat were a bit slow to respond. They were still new members who had no idea whom the fuck Gabby was.

"Hello. I have come to announce that I have a new owner. She is a 90-year-old woman that needs my love and care. Without me, she has no animal to watch over her," Gabby announced. He turned to Mr. Thor and said, "I thank thee for caring for me for 20 years. I have you to thank for the cat I am today."

Some of the other goats were shedding tears of joy for Gabby.

"You're welcome," Mr. Thor said. "I thank you for doing your goatly... catly duty for this esteemed society. I couldn't be prouder of you, Gabby Hayes Parmello."

Murphee howled. Everyone bleated. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing struggled with the last few seconds of his bleat.

"Now go forth, Gabby Hayes. Take care of that woman. Come to our meetings when you can. As a rank 20 goat/cat elite, you can pick and choose when to come," Mr. Thor said.

Gabby Hayes walked off the stage, down the middle of the meeting hall, and exited.

Everyone bleated loudly.

"Gabbbbbbaaaaayyyyyyyy!!" Every member except Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Paul the Goat yelled in excitement.

"Gabby is a rank 20 cat goat that must be acknowledged before, during, and after the meetings he attends. He brings joy to all of Georgia's neighborhoods," Lindsay said to Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing.

"Wow! There are so many surprises in this society. How do you guys keep track of what the hell is going on?" asked Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing.

"We don't," Prince Carrington answered with a laugh bleat.

"Very true," Peter said as he rolled his eyes. "This society is completely fucked-up."

"Especially because you're in it. I hate you," I said to Peter.

"Hate you, too. I hate the air you breathe," Peter said with a giraffe bleat.

I growled at him like the jaguar I was.

Mr. Thor beat the floor with his mighty hammer again.

Murphee barked three times.

"Now to discuss uniforms! For the men of this esteemed secret society of goats, we will wear Viking helmets, loin cloths, and boots up to our knees. We will also carry mighty hammers if we are above rank 10 and have aposable thumbs," Mr. Thor said.

Peter looked down at his hooves and said, "Fuck!"

[queennicoleinboots]

Going Bananas: A Spaghetti with Joebear story in Publix

I had to go to Publix because we ran out of bananas. Joebear was playing League of Legends because it was the only thing he could deal with. He also asked me to get two cans of Greenwise organic tomato paste, Dipatittos Tomato sauce, Chobani creamer, organic spaghetti, two batches of bananas, and one white onion.

When I arrived at the store, I put my face shield on to mock the 5G Covid-19 bullshitdemic. Then I bought Progresso lasagna-style soup, Annie's spgahetti-O's, and Mama Francesca Parmesan cheese. My mom is named Francesca. I have a feeling she has a spy camera on me because she called and asked about my low credit score. Needless to say, I kept shopping and didn't respond.

And then, I ran into the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man.

"Hey! Kool-Aid's here!" the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man said as he was jacking off in the middle of the floral section.

"That's apparent," I said as I bought organic Mueller's spaghetti, Dipattito's tomato sauce, and organic tomato paste. I continued to shop as I trolled the Publix employees by standing there. They might think I am contaminating them.

"I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!!!" he yelled as he burst through the wall to leave Publix.

I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

A random Karen who was wearing a NK-95 mask was walking briskly through the store with her basket of organic goods and shouting, "What an ignorant asshole! He wasn't wearing a mask!"

She forgot to mention that breaking through six feet wide of drywall WAS why the Sexually-Frustrated Kool-Aid Man was ignorant. Not to mention yelling that he was sexually-frustrated added to his level of ignorance.

So I went in the produce aisle, grabbed the two organic batches of bananas, and then beat on my chest like an ape for six minutes while standing six feet away from other shoppers.

"Ugh!!! I hate buying produce. Every time I buy it, it just needs up in the garbage!" I said loudly in frustration. I gave up and bought four organic vine tomatoes that were already packaged.

"IN YOUR GARBAGE!" the Grinch who happened to look like the one in the Jim Carrey movie in 2000 yelled. Joebear hated that fucking movie.

"Excuse me, sir," I said as I approached the Grinch. "You sound a helllll of a lot like Jim Carrey!"

"Why yes. I'm related to him!" the Grinch shouted.

"Oh cool. How?" I asked as I went to look for some decent spinach. Good luck in fucking Georgia.

"I'M HIS UNCLE'S COUSIN'S SISTER'S MOTHER'S BROTHER'S FATHER'S NIECE'S AUNT'S GRANDFATHER'S GRANDMOTHER'S DAUGHTER'S SON'S FORMER BUNK MATE IN THE GULF WAR!!!!" he shouted. Every mother fucker in the produce section looked at him.

"What does that make you?!" another Karen shouted.

"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!" he shouted before his laughter boomed throughout the store. Finally, something interesting happens in this place that doesn't involve fucking work.

All of a sudden, Paul the Goat charged in the produce aisle and bleated loudly. "I can't take the government anymore! I can't take the conspiracy! And most of all, I will not stand for our poisoned food supply or KARENS!!!!" he shouted. "Hiyah!" He was quickly checking the produce and throwing the spongy, rotted fruit at the Karens in the store.

I hid my basket in a corner and started rolling on the floor laughing. "NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL QUALITY CONTROL!" I yelled as I laughed and slapped my knee.

The Grinch yelled, "AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!!!!" He then hobbled after the Karens to terrorize them.

The Karens were running for their lives.

The Grinch was making all kinds of barking noises as he hobbled around every aisle to terrorize customers. Paul the Goat was bleating and throwing rotted produce like it was going out of style.

The manager of Publix came out and started laughing out of shock.

"You should work here instead, Paul! You're great at quality control. Besides, this is better than your current job" I shouted in the midst of belly laughter. Paul the Goat worked for the state tax department.

Paul the Goat bleated. "I should! It's much better than my actual job. And more fun! Fuck rotted produce. And fuck Karens!" he said excitedly with another bleat.

The manager stumbled over to Paul the Goat while laughing. "You're hired as the head produce manager! Apparently, the current produce manager is a Karen."

Sure enough, the fat produce manager walked out with her brown hair right near her chin and wore ugly glasses over her blue eyes. She was the biggest Karen I ever saw. I wanted to fucking beat her with my cart.

Paul the Goat bleated loudly and sounded like a trumpet before he threw rotten peaches, rotten bell peppers, and rotted bags of green beans at her.

Smeagull hobbled in the store and was eating the rotted fruit on the floor. The Grinch came over and started eating it as well before he yelled, "IN YOUR GARBAGE!!!!" again.

"You have to pay for that!!!" the store manager yelled.

"MY PRECIOUS!!!!!" Smeagull shouted as he threw the ring at the store manager while he continued to eat.

The store manager put the ring on his finger before he took it off and put it with his keys to the store. "Thank you, Smeagull. You now can eat all the rotten produce you want for life!" (Pays to be a swamp golem.)

The Grinch hobbled over to the store manager before asking, "Are you hiring?" He then smiled with crooked, half-rotted teeth. Come to think of it, he looked like a typical Georgia swamp creature.

"Yes! Yes, I am," the store manager said. "We need a stock person and entertainer. Georgia is too fucking boring."

"I'm your guy. Let me eat the rotten fruit and meat that would end up in your garbage, and that will be all the payment I require," the Grinch said as he tapped his fingers on both hands together.

"You're hired!" the store manager exclaimed. (See? There are jobs if you don't mind eating rotted, poisonous processed food for the rest of your short life. Well, the Grinch is immortal, buuuutttt nobody seems to give a fuck about that right now.)

Once I finished laughing and going ape shit, then I grabbed my white onion.

Everyone stayed the fuck away from me while I scouted for my Chobani creamer. I trolled a Black Lives Matter supporter by screaming "White Power!"

Joebear called me, and I answered.

"Get this fucking garbage out of here!" he said as he was playing League of Legends.

"IN YOUR GARBAGE!!" The Grinch shouted

"Everyone's dead no wonder! So, Bae.. how's shopping?" Joebear asked with a sigh.

"Great. The Grinch, Paul the Goat, and Smeagull are trolling Publix," I said. "How's League of Legends?"

"I ban Kayn every fucking time. If I don't, he destroys the whole team. You can't counter travelling through the terrain. I guess mushrooms and boxes are the only way. Piece of shit. I'll go Shaco. It's one of the only counters to that. Shaco's the only counter to that. Ughh... Akali is a cunt," Joebear said.

Then he and I both laughed.

"I'm using Brand, a champ I barely know. Ugh, I'm so dead," Joebear said.

Then I checked the fuck out of the store.