#glad to see my shipping preferences have barely changed since 2019

[elisedonut]

im rereading the sidem magazines (little mini comics that were in the game) and its just reminding me how much i love MakiSoi ghrfgyhvf

[darkpoisonouslove]

2020 in Words

After the total exhaustion and lack of motivation of the last few months, I have finally found the strength to review 2020. In terms of writing, that is. Otherwise, we ain’t touching that with a 100-foot pole. But anyway, let’s get to the actual good part of 2020 - the writing.

Word Count:

678, 105 words

And that isn’t actually all. I have started various things that 2021 caught still in progress so there are more words to be added to that number but I’ll count them towards whatever time frame I finish them in (I do not even dare assume that all of them will be finished this year).

A little over 1/7th of that word count was accomplished only in March when I wrote over 100k words. Wow, productivity where did you go? I know that the world is going to hell but do you mind coming back? I can use you. I have so many new ideas that I am really excited about but totally lack the energy to actually get to. Hope that will change in the next weeks because there is A Lot going on in my head that I am actually dying to share.

Fandoms:

Winx Club has totally taken over for me. I have barely written five works this year that are not about that show and I just don’t know what is happening anymore. I have so many thoughts and things to discuss and fix about it and I have a feeling that some upcoming events will only reinforce that position. But what truly matters is that it has truly made 2020 more bearable to be in the fandom and write fic. The interactions with other fans have been lovely which is totally worth the brain damage that some experiences over this show have inflicted.

Once Upon a Time lurked until about the half of the year but I can’t say that I have been actively interested in it. I just rewatched 4A for the Frozen Swan interactions and 4B for Cruella De Vil and that was pretty much all of it this year. I think it’s safe to say that at this point I have more or less moved on from the show and I do not expect a miraculous comeback to it. Which leaves my rewatch dangling over the chasm of uncertainty but I have projects I am far more interested in rn to be thinking about that.

I actually joined the Lucifer fandom this year, though I cannot say that I am active in it at all. It was nice to challenge myself with the small contribution I made to the fanworks in the fandom so I am putting it here because I am not done with watching the show even though I don’t think I have a good enough grasp on any of the characters in order to actually write them.

Ships:

Well, 2020 definitely delivered on that front. I have found myself piles of new ships to ship the hell out. Some I am more grateful about, others leave me slightly bitter over not knowing what to do with them but it certainly hasn’t been boring. Because this is my wrap-up and contemplation, I get to list them and maybe say a couple of words about some of them.

Griffin x Valtor - Not new but it was definitely the biggest part of that year.

Griffin x Valtor x Faragonda - New in the sense of me having written a fic about this now... and having several more ideas on my drives so... beware, future!

Griffin x Faragonda - Also not new but when the feelings catch up with me, they really mean it. Two major bursts of inspiration about them have left me with interesting results and I am looking forward to finding out where this goes.

Marion x Oritel - That was new. It was the first new ship of the year. I have more ideas about them but the muse has not visited lately. I am not giving up, though. Sometimes you gotta sail the ship even when there’s no wind.

Flora x Icy - That was definitely a surprise. I don’t know what happened but I do know that a goddamn look at Pinterest has brought on an entire epic about them (and the other Trix and Winx) so... thanks for that, Pinterest. I wish you could pin free time on Pinterest and go consume it later so that I would actually have the time to work on all of this.

Layla x Stella - Oh, yeah, baby! I have feelings and I really want to do at least an outline of what would be too long to actually write as a fic, especially since I have A Lot on my plate rn.

Griffin x Griselda - Well, that... happened. I have no idea where any of this is going, only that it is a major part of Griffin’s arc in my most major series so... I guess it’s headed somewhere. Just have to stay along for the ride.

Zarathustra x Griselda - So totally trashcankitty12′s fault... But I guess I am the one responsible for actually including it in already ongoing stories.

Ediltrude x DuFour - Okay, that one I totally roped myself into. Do I regret it? ... Maybe a little because it may need to remain just background thanks to everything else that I have going on.

Griffin x Marion - Almost forgot that which is a damn shame because it is one of my absolute most favorite ships.

Griffin x Valtor x Marion - Not gonna lie, this has been sneaking into some stray ideas too repetitively to be an accident. Will it ever exist outside of my head, though?

Samara x Erendor - I just wanted to make them more likable to me because they were my least favorite characters on the show. Worked too well and now I am in fic hell.

Bloom x Sky - I got ONE idea, okay? Too bad that I love it too much for my own good, especially considering that it is sort of a rewrite of the series. Like I didn’t have enough of those already.

There are more, actually, but we will be here all day if I have to list every stray idea that I have entertained so let’s just move on.

Stories:

Winx Club - 80 (4 unfinished and 3 that I have been dragging with me since 2019 for a total of 7/111 incomplete.)

OUAT - 3 (all finished but I have two collections that are still open from 2019 and 2018 respectively)

Lucifer - 1 (it was a one-shot but I am glad that I managed to write it at all)

Original works - 1 (poem that I came up with at 4am)

That makes a total of 85 written works this year which is honestly astounding! My brain has been harping on me about not being productive since June but I have actually gotten quite a lot of work done! (Fun fact - my total for 2019 was 58 stories, and for 2020 it is 85 XD. We’re gonna need some new numbers in 2021.)

First fic of the year - Gold and Purple (Griffin x Valtor AU inspired by a Bulgarian folk tale)

Last fic of the year - New Warmth to Weave in Your Garden of Shine (Samara x Erendor + New Year traditions and worldbuilding on Eraklyon)

Favorite writing moment - that has got to be coming up with a wild idea for my season  rewrite that I will not be spoiling now. It was also inspired by Bulgarian folklore and I am so excited to reveal it (because it is so fucking grand) but we will all have to be patient.\

Wildest writing experience - definitely the entirety of chapter 4 from A Home You Never Knew How to Have. Man, that was... a goddamn ride. In every sense of the word. I still haven’t reread that bitch after posting it even though I have opened it probably a hundred times.

I launched several series this year that will need a lot of work to be brought to completion. Naturally, my focus is not on finishing those but on starting new things. Because of course it is. So here’s a heads-up for another post that will be coming shortly with announcements of my ideas. I would like to call it a plan for 2021 but I fear that will be too presumptuous of me so I will say that it is my hope that those are things that are to be released this year but I will only lapel them as projects that I am looking forward to rather than “upcoming”.

Other Works:

This year actually bore a couple other forms of art so I am going to list my creations in other mediums below because they deserve the attention.

Aesthetics:

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Marion

Ediltrude & Zarathustra

Siren AU:

Griffin

Ediltrude

Zarathustra

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Magic-Swapped Transformations:

Griffin Winx

Ediltrude Winx

Zarathustra Winx

Griffin Chamrix

Ediltrude Chamrix

Zarathustra Chamrix

Griffin Enchantix

Ediltrude Enchantix

Zarathustra Enchantix

Videos:

Griffin/Valtor - The Devil I Know

Winx - Trouble

Marion x Oritel/Griffin x Valtor/Faragonda x Hagen - Savage

Bloom/Mitzi - Wicked

Samara - You Should See Me in a Crown

Bloom/Sky - Kerosene

Winx Rewatch:

I actually rewatched all 8 seasons of the show + the 3 movies and I have written out my thoughts on all of them. You can find them here:

Winx Club Season 1 4kids (Stream of Consciousness) (I am actually considering redoing this one because it wasn’t in-depth like the others are)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Magical Adventure (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Mystery of the Abyss (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 1: Destiny of Bloom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 2: Revenge of the Trix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 3: The Battle for Magix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 4: The Shadow Phoenix (Stream of Consciousness)

I will not be writing any takeaways because I already talked about some of those in an ask and my brain is too fired at the moment to pull off some actual analysis and compose a proper conclusion. To be perfectly honest, I prefer not to think too much on 2020. It brought a lot of good things along with the bad but I still prefer not to look back on it if it isn’t necessary. I think it received enough of my energy already.

[itsaviolathing]

2019 reflections

Wasn't sure where to put this so I'm gonna put it here because there are fewer people who know me in real life on Tumblr and this is kinda personal.

2019 has been a long year of ups and downs for me.

I started the year in a bad place, still getting over a really tough breakup from the guy who I thought was my soulmate.

January saw me rebound onto a guy I met on Tinder and resulted in a 2-month relationship which ultimately ended with me hurting the guy. On the bright side, I met some really kind and lovely new friends through Pat and I'm so grateful for their continuing friendship and support. January also continued to show me just how many friends I have and how much they care about me, which I had first realised just after the breakup in December. I will be forever grateful to those who saw me through such an emotionally difficult time and for their unwavering friendship. I would never have coped without them.

February saw my first instance of volunteering. I volunteered as an Events Manager with a charity called Action on Hearing Loss, and I had such a good time doing it. I put together a fundraiser for the charity, supported by the charity's fundraising manager for the North-West, which ended up being pretty successful and raised a fair amount of money. I was really proud of myself for this, and the whole process helped me become more confident in myself and gave me more direction for where my future is heading.

March saw me go back to the guy who I'd broken up with in the first place (bad idea, I know). It showed me that at that point I hadn't managed to get over him as much as I thought I had, and that I was willing to forgive him even after how much he hurt me. A few weeks later I broke up with him again, for good this time. I'd proven to myself that all the work I had put into getting over him had worked to an extent because I just couldn't love him anymore, even though I still cared about him immensely. This was ultimately a really beneficial experience for me as it gave me the closure that I so desperately needed from the relationship, as I hadn't been ready for the initial breakup and felt like a lot of things needed tying up.

April showed me that I was afraid to be alone. Since getting with Moray in November 2017, I had barely been single - we broke up in December 2018, I had rebounded onto Pat just under a month later, and got back with Moray a couple of days after breaking up with Pat. Even when I broke up with Moray again at the beginning of April, I already had someone else I was talking to which was heading in the direction of potential relationship. I realised that I only broke up with Moray when I felt like I had a somewhat-secure ship I could jump to (Sam), and I had been in the same situation when I broke up with Pat, knowing there was significant potential of getting back with Moray. This was a significant revelation for me and really made me evaluate my personal values and morals.

May was a really difficult month. Most difficult was dealing with Moray. After our break-up, his mental health spiralled and he quickly ended up in a dark place. He still trusted in me a lot, and knew that I cared for him too, and so I was on the receiving end of a number of phone calls whenever he was feeling suicidal. Some of these were daytime, others were overnight at all sorts of hours. By far the toughest was when he was actively going to do something and I talked him down over the phone while coordinating with his friends in his city to go and find him, and directed him to his local hospital for psychiatric help over the phone from a completely different city using Google Maps. Another especially difficult one was when I was woken at 4am and spent 2 hours talking him down and then messaging his mother in the morning to let her know the situation. Of course, I was happy to be there for him in his time of need but from a personal perspective it was incredibly draining and was detrimental to my academic work as well. I had to meet with my university academic advisor to talk about it because it was becoming difficult for me to manage alongside numerous academic deadlines I had in May. May saw me close myself off from people in my daily life because of these emotional struggles alongside having so much academic work to do, but I got through the month and ultimately did well in all my assessments and had managed to be there for a friend in need. May taught me that, while it can be good to be there for someone who needs support, it's so important to look after yourself first and foremost and that sometimes you're not the best person for the job. Moray managed to secure help from people whose job it is to provide that help, and he built up a local support network which reduced his need for me. I hope he will remain grateful for everything I did for him but I'm also glad that I'm not an integral part of his life anymore.

June saw me confirm what I want to do next with my life. I secured the role of Head Concert Manager for my university music society and June was the first time I was working in the role. I confirmed that I really enjoy working in Arts Management roles and I decided that this is the direction I want to take my life. I started to make plans for where I want to apply for Master’s courses and general plans for the next few years of my life, which has motivated me significantly and has provided something of a sense of security through the fact I have a plan now. 

July became another month of self-reflection and thinking about my morals. The guy I had been talking to, Sam, had invited me to stay over with him for a few days in his city. It was on this trip that I ended up being his first sexual experience, which wouldn't be a problem had he not been a no-sex-before-marriage Christian 😬 Even though I went to the effort of making sure it was absolutely his decision and trying to create a no-pressure atmosphere, I ended up feeling really bad about this because he regretted it happening. July also saw me think a lot about religion and whether it would be something I could get into but I eventually concluded that it's not something I can believe in and not something I feel compelled to get involved with.

August saw some of the best weeks of the year for me. Most significantly was the 10-days of being Social Staff with the National Children's Orchestra. This was definitely the best part of my year, and I had such a great time with new friends playing silly games and building new, strong bonds. I've found that I can't wait to be on NCO courses again next year and think of these people as some of my best friends, despite only spending a week with them.

September saw me and my tonsils part company, as they were finally removed. Recovery was rough but quick and I was back to myself quickly enough to be present as Peer Mentor coordinator on the first day of Fresher's week to register all ~80 of my department's fresher's. September also taught me that I need to be more trusting and less controlling, as my experiences as Head Concert Manager that month saw me finding it difficult to relinquish control to the Concert Managers, even though they were fully competent.

October saw me become properly single for the first time in almost 2 years. I ended things with Sam because we had fundamental disagreements and it was obvious the relationship was going nowhere, but we still remain good friends even now. Ending this was a little scary for me because I had lost the sense of security that a relationship brings, but this was made easier since the change had been gradual due to the nature of long-distance relationships. It had forced me to confront a lot of my inner feelings and thoughts on the matter and I ultimately learnt a lot about myself from this process.

November saw me become distant again due to academic work, after I spent 2 whole weeks avoiding social situations and spending time in the library as much as I could manage. Once again, this was ultimately successful because I did well in my coursework, but I did miss out on social situations as a result. November also saw me kinda fall for a guy in my department - that's a stronger wording than I really mean, I kinds just had a bit of a thing for him. It was the first time I'd had a crush in ages but I handled it well and confirmed I'm still fairly decent at flirting if I'm in the right situation 😅 November also saw me self-diagnose myself with potential dermatillomania, although I’m still not sure whether it’s just a bad habit or something medical and I’ve been too unsure to go to a doctor about it, but I think if it gets worse I’ll force myself to see someone.

December was another kinda difficult month. I had a couple of crises in which I found myself feeling like all my friends had people they preferred. For every friend of mine, I became aware that they had other people they would choose to spend time with over me, and that was a tough realisation. I think this came hand-in-hand with the whole being-single-for-the-first-time-in-2-years thing, because I had always been someone's 'favourite person' (in theory) while in a relationship and had always had someone there for me and looking out for me, and December saw me feeling like I'd lost that. December also saw me find out that the guy I had liked had actually liked me at the same time but nothing had ever managed to work out, which was a bit of a bummer.

Christmas and New Year's was spent with my family which is always a little difficult as we don't always get along so well, with New Year's being particularly difficult. I'm looking forward to going back to my uni city today (1st Jan 2020) and being with friends again and starting a new year afresh. My New Year's Resolutions/Improvements are to get fitter and healthier (through better diet and exercise) and to work hard on my academic work to do as best as I can in my final semester of my undergraduate degree.

2019 was a year of learning and personal growth. I learnt a lot about myself and spent a lot of time reflecting on myself, my values, and my morals, among other things. I came to terms with things that I had never really allowed myself to think about in the past, and I’ve ended the year feeling like I know myself a lot better than I did at the start of the year.  

2020 will be an eventful year and hopefully an exciting and rewarding one; I'm looking forward to finding out how everything plays out and hopefully have fun at the same time!