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makeste · 3 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 322: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor was all, “Kirishima please take Hagakure and Aoyama and put them away somewhere out of sight until we’re finally ready for the U.A. Traitor Plot.” Shouto was all “HEY DEKU DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE YOU WANDERING THE STREETS LOOKING LIKE A GOTH PRAYING MANTIS IS EXACTLY WHAT AFO WANTS.” Deku was all “I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY CRUSHING MARTYR COMPLEX AND ACCUMULATED TRAUMA.” Mineta was all “HEY DEKU YOU SWEET THANG, IF I COULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET I’D PUT ‘U’ AND ‘I’ TOGETHER, ANYWAYS HMU 💖”, or at least that’s what fandom apparently thought he said. Everyone was all “WELL SINCE WE’RE BACK HERE IN KAMINO WE SHOULD DO THE THING” and did the whole “launching someone into the air to save someone by dramatically grabbing their hand” thing that everybody fucking loves to do in Kamino so damn much. Iida was all “[bombards me and Deku with feels].” Deku was all, “ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू).” I was all, “(;*△*;).” Horikoshi was all, “my work here is done.”

Today on BnHA:

oh my god.

so I finally went back to look at what I wrote up for 321 last week, and it’s a hot fucking mess lol, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now, so we’re just gonna skip it and go back sometime in the next few days or something because I really want to read the new chapter and I have no self control. I’M SORRY IIDA

oh my god he’s breaking out the narration word bubbles oh my god. shit is about to get epic isn’t it

has there ever been a chapter that opened with these that WASN’T epic? serious question. anyways all aboard the Feels Express I guess

YEP

I saved a bunch of other crying kaomojis when I was looking for ones to use in the “previously on” summary, and right now it’s looking like that was a good fucking decision you guys. if I’m going to be an emotional wreck I might as well do it in style ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ

AND BY THE WAY!!

SHOULD I JUST THANK HORIKOSHI NOW AND SAVE MYSELF SOME TIME LATER. THE MAN ALWAYS FUCKING DELIVERS WHAT ELSE CAN I FUCKING SAY GODDAMN. IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECLARE THIS MY NEW FAVORITE CHAPTER? I SHOULD PROBABLY READ FURTHER THAN ONE PAGE BUT I’VE JUST GOT A FEELING

(ETA: it’s like. maybe my second favorite lol. A HUG WOULD HAVE PUT IT IN FIRST, I’M JUST SAYING.)

anyway so Ochako is releasing Iida, which is actually hilarious, because idk if you all know this but Iida can’t fucking fly you guys

like, I assume Ochako released him because she already knew that Kirishima was in place to catch him, but I really love this split-second of panic on Iida’s part where he’s all “HMM, IS OCHAKO TRYING TO KILL ME, ACTUALLY”

LOL THERE’S A THOOM AND EVERYTHING

that’s some plus fucking ultra on Ochako’s part right there. “IF THEY DIE THEY DIE” goddamn girl did you leave your chill in the same locker as Momo or what

now poor Kiri is all “DAMMIT DEKU ARE YOU PASSED OUT OR WHAT, I DIDN’T GET TO TELL YOU MY THING GODDAMMIT”

oh my gosh he is curled up so small you guys oh my fucking lord

RESIDUAL “LOST CHILD” FEELS FROM LAST WEEK COMING IN FOR A LANDING!! PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBACKS AND TRAY TABLES ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITIONS OMG ( ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ ₍₎ ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ )

LMAO IIDA IS TRYING TO CONFIRM THAT OCHAKO PLANNED FOR KIRISHIMA TO CATCH HIM, AND KIRISHIMA IS ALL “NOPE I’M JUST HERE BY CHANCE BRO”

Ochako is the U.A. Traitor confirmed. Hagakure I am so sorry I doubted you. Ochako get over here. so are you Toga now or what

anyway so now everyone is running over before Iida can react to this casual announcement of his attempted murder. and now Mina is taking her turn, and Horikoshi is all “HEY BTW IS MINA CRYING ON THE LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU CRY?” and of fucking course it is, you bastard. I’m not made of stone

( ɵ̥̥ ˑ̫ ɵ̥̥)

SLDKFJLSDKJ:LKWEJ

IS THIS THE PART WHERE I JUST START SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER LOL. SURE FEELS LIKE WE ARE GETTING TO THAT TIME

OH MY GOD KACCHAN AHHHHH

I CAN’T OMG LOL I ALREADY GLANCED AT THE NEXT COUPLE OF PANELS, AND HE’S STARTING A WHOLEASS MONOLOGUE ABOUT ALL OF HIS DEKU FEELS AND OH MY GOD

“HERE YOU GO MAKESTE, A WHOLE CHAPTER OF ALL YOUR FAVORITE META TOPICS JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM” THANK YOU HORIKOSHI YOU’RE A BRO (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

SLKASODIFALWKFLKJ

THEY’RE JUST DEKU AND KACCHAN. holy shit you guys. because oh my god, but it’s like when Deku was talking to the Vestiges about saving Tomura, and he turned into his little child self because his heart and intentions were so pure?? and it’s like that again, except that we’re seeing them as their child selves because that’s who they are to each other?? like, not that they actually see each other as children, but just, they can see past all of the stuff on the outside and see each other to their cores, to who they are inside, and when they look at each other they each simply see the other boy that they’ve known their whole entire life. idk?? does that make sense??? DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT WORDS ARE ANYMORE I’M JUST SWIMMING IN FEELS OKAY. I’M TRYING HERE

they’re just boys, is what I’m trying to say, I guess. just Deku and Kacchan. all the walls are down, all the gaps are bridged, and all it is is the one boy reaching out and connecting with the other, and just,,, (꒦ິ⌓꒦ີ)

OH MY GOD [GRABBING YOUR SHOULDERS AND POINTING WORDLESSLY] !!!1LK1

DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS YOU GUYS

HOW PERFECTLY FUCKING RAD. WELL LET ME JUST ENJOY THESE LAST FEW SECONDS BEFORE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED, I GUESS

GOD

CAN HE EVEN SAY THAT??? IS THAT EVEN LEGAL??? IS HE EVEN FUCKING ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

─=≡Σ((( つ ◕o◕ )つ

GET IN HERE, EVERYONE!!

Y’ALL HE REALLY DID IT. “BAKUGOU IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE HE HASN’T EVEN APOLOGIZED” WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. GUESS FUCKING WHAT, YOU GUYS!! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO ((((／￣∇￣)／＼(￣∇￣＼)))) AHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHH

HEH. I’M ALREADY DEAD, HORIKOSHI, YOU BASTARD. DO YOUR WORST. GO ON

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON “US”, HE SAYS. ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF OMG. KACCHAN, YOU STUDIED!! YOU UNDERSTAND!! PREACH!!

OH NO!!

OH WAIT!!!!

LOL I GOT SCARED THERE FOR A SECOND BUT ANYWAY! EVERYONE GET IN HERE!!! GROUP HUG!!! OR WAIT, NO, WHAT ABOUT -- [GRABS YOUR COLLAR URGENTLY] YOU DON’T THINK -- COULD THEY POSSIBLY -- !!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARE YOU GONNA HUG!??!?!?!?! I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!!! !!!hgk

REACTION PANELS LOL EVERYONE ELSE IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS TOO WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

LOL OCHAKO

I KNOW THAT IN REALITY THIS FACE IS JUST BECAUSE SHE’S CONCERNED ABOUT DEKU’S FRAGILE STATE RN, BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE WAY SHE JUST DROPPED IIDA COLD THOUGH, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FEAR FOR KACCHAN’S SAFETY LMAO. THAT FEELING WHEN THE CLASS PERV AND THE CLASS BULLY BOTH BEAT YOU TO THE LOVE CONFESSION. KACCHAN WATCH YOUR SIX

OKAY BUT LOOK, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS, OKAY, BUT CAN WE PLEASE!??!?! HELLO?!?!? MOMO, JUST -- COULD YOU JUST FOR A MINUTE --

NOOOOOOOOOOO

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I HAVE TO SAVE SOMETHING FOR THE FINALE” HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH A TWO BY FOUR!! NOT THAT I’M UNGRATEFUL!! BUT JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT, AND THEN ALMOST DO THAT, AND THEN NOT!! OMG I HATE YOU

sure let’s cut to Thirteen then, yay. I mean I’m glad they’re alive lol, don’t get me wrong

(ETA: I think that might have sounded a bit sarcastic so I just want to clarify that I really am happy Thirteen is alive and on the job again lol.)

it’s just that if your name doesn’t begin with Baku or Deku I honestly am not interested for just these next five minutes okay lol. like I’m just gonna be completely honest. I am too invested lol, please, they were having a moment, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS PLEASE

OH DAMN U.A. GOT SWOLE AF

THIS SCHOOL HAS BEEN JUICING WTF. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TARTARUS LOL

I’m literally not even reading the speech bubbles though omg I’m so sorry. I really hope there is not a quiz, I promise I will come back to it later scroll scroll scroll

okay so they brought him back to U.A. and he’s all tired and out of it yes

oh goody Hagakure knows all about the security system

(ETA: is it just me or is Horikoshi really laying it on thick with the hints about these two guys lately? I’m on to you sir.)

THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS. GLAD THIS CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE IS SAFE IN THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE THAT WE TRUST

ffs Deku

WHAT WILL IT EVEN TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU THEN?? SWEET JESUS

-- holy shit, what??!

they know?? how did they find out??! holy shit???

I’m about to cancel the whole of Japan lmao. fucking try me dudes

-- THE PRINCIPAL!?

NEZU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!! WHAT THE FUCK

“a ticking time bomb” tell you what, this man is just asking to be punched in the face. literally begging for it omg

(ETA: I have been advised that I misread this part; Rat Principal told everyone how safe U.A. was, but he’s not the one who ratted out Deku; that was “the rumors”, apparently. which, if I had to guess, were probably started by AFO.)

oh I see, so it’s to be Feels, Part II then

he looks so sad and tired and lonely and she goes right for the hand, god bless. though if Kacchan’s not gonna hug him, you’d think someone would at least. or is it because he still smells bad. hmm

AND THE CHAPTER’S ENDING ON HER LOL WELL OKAY THEN

I MEAN IT’S GREAT AND ALL, I LOVE OCHAKO REALLY I DO, BUT WE WERE PROMISED GREAT EXPLOSION MURDER GODS, WHAT GIVES SOB. I WAS ALL READY TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AND EVERYTHING. SURE, HE DID THE APOLOGY, BUT WHERE IS THE FOLLOW-UP GODDAMMIT

(ETA: just to clarify the reason for my rambling here, I was really waiting for the hero name reveal and the presumed deeper meaning behind it lol. but I guess that is a conversation still to come! and we still need Deku’s response to the apology too for that matter. lots to look forward to still.)

WELL WHATEVER, SO THAT IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER! SHOUT OUT TO MY BOY RAT “LET ME JUST TELL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ABOUT DEKU’S SUPER SECRET IDENTITY, I GUESS THAT’S ALL RIGHT NOW, NOTHING BAD COULD POSSIBLY COME OF THIS” PRINCIPAL. listen here you little shit

anyway but if you’ll excuse me... IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. IF I COULD FIND A WAY. I’D TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS THAT HAVE HURT YOU, AND YOU’D STAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID THE THINGS I DID. I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THE THINGS I SAID. PRIDE’S LIKE A KNIFE, IT CAN CUT DEEP INSIDE. WORDS ARE LIKE WEAPONS, THEY WOUND SOMETIMES. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN TO HURT YOU. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T WANNA SEE YOU GO. I KNOW I MADE YOU CRY, BUT BABAY, IF I COULD TUUUUURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME...

#bnha 322 #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #bakudeku #uraraka ochako #class 1-a #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #IF I COULD REACH THE STARS #I'D GIVE THEM ALL TO YOU #IF I COULD TURN BACK TIIIIIIIIME

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everything-laito · 3 years ago

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hey,,, i've seen this controversial opinion about laito not being sexually assaulted by cordelia. . .as the only opinion of laito that matters, what are your thoughts on it? i know you've made some posts in the past about cordelia and laito's relationship, but i think that now would be a good time to i guess, remake a post or clarify your thoughts so people could follow along?? i hope you enjoy your day.

*proceeds to crack all my knuckles at once*

This isn't really my own "response" cuz oh boy I'm sick of this petty ass drama lmao. To begin, SKLDJF I'm very flattered that you hold my opinion in that high of regard! I'd say there's others that have interesting interpretations of him too though :) but again, thank you :') glad you enjoy what I have to say!

I know I've already kinda responded to this via a screenshot here, just to hold you––and others reading this––over. As much as this is a great time to talk about a how-to-analysis, I’ll still put that as a separate post eventually, but I still will go over the philosophy of truth and writings etc. But anyways, to answer your initial questions, they’re under the cut!

And no, I’m not specifically calling anyone out here. These are just issues with the fandom that I find as a whole, along with some extremists. Thus, I’m not going to be putting tags for people to easily find this post because I don’t want to be wound up in this drama––once again this is just more commentary on the fandom as a whole, which hopefully you can apply to people you find!

I have a lot of my own thoughts about Cordelia and Laito’s relationship here (just in case if people need it):

1. Goes over potential grooming of Laito, facts about Cordelia and what happened before she did stuff to Laito, and when did she rape Laito for the first time?

2. Stuff about incest and how any relationship out of a parental/child relationship is abuse even if it’s not penetrative sex, more incest stuff, and just more thoughts on their relationship

3. Neuroplasticity, trauma, Karlheinz, and isolation

4. What does sexual trauma look like? And some stuff on Laito’s facade

5. More stuff on his facade, and projection on Yui

6. My thoughts on Laito’s dark fate vampire ending + Conclusion

7. Answering some inbox stuff relating to Cordelia

Sure I realize I might be missing some stuff but that’s just my whole analysis on them. I’ll probably make some follow up posts eventually but I’m not sure when that will be.

But as for this analysis/ramble, I’ll divide it up into sections:

The issue of hypocrisy in the Dialovers fandom:

I- oh dear god. Ok, just saying, there’s a lot of people being like “oh I hate Cordelia because she was abusive” then ??? yo??? Why do you like the boys?? They’re abusive and we see more of them than Cordelia??? I just personally hate hypocrisy. However, it’s okay to hate Cordelia! It’s okay to love Cordelia! It’s okay to hate the boys and it’s okay to love the boys too. But recognizing that you don’t like one or the other just because “they’re abusive” is a fallacy at that point.

The reason why so many people hate Karlheinz/Cordelia/Beatrix/Christa/Richter (or at least start off hating them) is because they are written as the villains of the story! Karl’s the main villain, and the rest (including the diaboys and Yui) are kinda just tragically wound up in his plans. You sympathize more with the boys because you spend more time with them and watch them grow! It’s a whole “us vs them” situation. Since those people were awful to the boys/the boys hate them, you’re like “yeah they’re bad!” But the issue with the whole “us vs them” situation (as in real life) is that people tend to excuse the actions done by the “us” party.

Same thing goes with extreme Karl/Cordelia/Richter fans (I’ve never seen a hardcore Beatrix/Christa fan but they’re probably out there). Some hate the diaboys but love the people in that party. They’ve also done some shitty stuff too! Bro, even Yui has done some terrible stuff! But that’s because she was a product of the events she was thrown into––and same with everyone else.

Karl has been the mastermind of all this, and for me I don’t have any sympathy for him, mainly because we’re not shown anything to sympathize with (except that he just is tired of living but idk why he wants to create a whole new race like lmao science nerd ig, I feel that king). A lot of people like him for his looks, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing––he’s a fictional character, objectify these characters however you want. This is more of a personal opinion of mine though. And maybe people do just sympathize with his outlook on life, that’s totally fine.

But since these characters are all attractive in their own regard, they all get the treatment of “pretty-boy” syndrome (Idek if that’s the exact name for it). Which is just the privilege pretty people get. But again, this is fictional, so it’s not necessarily important in this case. Bro I got into DL cuz of “ooga booga hot vampires” and stayed for the complex lore and characters (especially one complex character, wonder who that could be). I imagine most people got into DL because of that, or out of sheer curiosity.

Ok, I’m throwing out a lot of points but not really connecting them. Lemme give you an example: I don’t like Reiji. His character doesn’t vibe with me most of the time aside from the fact that he’s hilarious. But I just am very neutral/neutral-negative on his character. But I’m not like “oh cuz he’s mean/abusive” cuz LOL EVERYONES MEAN IN THIS GAME. Sure you can still say that, it’s just not a very strong claim. Hypocritical claims tend to be like that. Same with a lot of Yui haters. In this case, they’re more jealous that she’s there and not them, which I’ve explained a lot in this post about toxic femininity and Yui in the fandom etc. But it’s ok to just not like a character! It’s alright! I know someone who just doesn’t vibe with Subaru. She doesn’t know why, she just doesn’t vibe with him. There’s no need to defend it either. But the use of hypocrisy is my main issue, and I’ll get to that in the next section.

(There’s a really good post explaining this too but I cannot find it for the life of me. I think it was made by @/abottleofkarlheinz or @/the-madame21)

How opinions of fictional universes left unchecked can effect real life:

I’ve said this a little bit in that Dialover PSA post I’ve made about Yui that I linked a couple paragraphs ago. But the reasons why people say they hate Yui is concerning. If you don’t like Yui, that’s totally fine! Again you don’t need reasons to hate on a character or defend it. But if you do choose to defend those characters, make sure what you’re saying isn’t out of some other place in your heart. Let me explain.

In that “Yui PSA” post I made, I say how your attitudes in being critical of a fictional universe usually does reflect on who you are as a person, at least when you’re making certain claims. In that Yui post, I say that the hatred on Yui is a result of the “other girl” mentality. On top of that, it erases her experience as a survivor. Yes, this is a fictional character, but bringing that into real life can have some dire consequences if you don’t differentiate them. If you have the same attitude of Yui with other survivors if the “abuser is hot” then thaaaaaat’s so fucked up.

For example, there’s people who have crushes on real life serial killers! That- that’s absolutely disgusting! Those real people killed living people and effected so many lives and families. Dude I have fictional crushes on fictional serial killers, and that’s different, because it is a removed universe. It’s why I can still call myself a lesbian but still have crushes on fictional male characters, for a further example (and vice versa! I have straight friends who crush on fictional characters of their same gender! But that doesn’t make them any less straight. And no, I’m not erasing bi people here either, just clarifying in case if you needed that).

Not being able to differentiate your opinions of a fictional universe can get very toxic. Like I love Laito, but I’m not like “omg I wish he was real so he could do that stuff to me uwu” like no!!! UH!!! I wouldn’t want to date anyone like him in real life! That’s literal abuse! And if Laito was here in real life it’s not a controlled environment, he’d literally be able to do anything with you, etc. That’s what makes a fantasy, a fantasy. They’re controlled.

Also vice versa, some people get really triggered by Dialovers, specifically Laito’s route. A lot of non-consensual acts that he does have been experienced by people in real life in any extent, myself included. For me, it’s a personal escape from that, because it is an environment where I am prepared for those events and can control my exposure to it. For some, they are reminded of the reality they had to experience. Fictional universes are inspired by real life, no matter what way you look at it. Real life people are making it, after all.

I feel like I’m going in so many circles, but trust me, I’m getting to the point.

I- I can’t explain this enough but it is most definitely implied that Cordelia had raped and sexually abused Laito. If it was explicit, DL would be an 18+ game, but they cannot do that in Japan. I’m not going to like defend this point because so many people (myself included) have defended this point. It’s implications carry over into Laito’s character and why he’s like this. He’s a textbook sexual abuse survivor. I just,,,, cannot explain this enough. Same thing with overwriting the abuse of Yui. They get jealous of Yui. Sure I’d say a good chunk of people have ravishment fantasies here. At least the 18+ people in the fandom who are into that stuff. But oh my dear god, ravishment fantasies are super super dangerous to enact in real life. It’s possible to do them, but it would take years of building up to that point in kink. That’s a whole other discussion though and I’m not incredibly comfortable talking about it knowing that minors read my blog (I’ll also have to say here: no minors in kink--its alright to educate yourself but pleaaaaaaaaaase don’t enact on any of those activities until you are of age, and even so that still can be dangerous right as you turn 18).

But anyways, saying that Yui should enjoy this because she’s experienced the ravishment fantasy you’ve dreamed of? Oh fucking hell, if you leave that opinion and mentality unchecked and it goes into real life, that’s incredibly awful. Abuse apologists are absolutely terrible people, almost as much as the abusers themselves.

If you twist the narrative that Laito loves Cordelia or Yui loves the boys at the end of the first game, that’s still––ughhhhhhhh. Especially when it’s so obvious that Laito has so many mental issues with Cordelia. His whole monologue and breakdown at the end of Dark Fate definitely tells us that he has had such an issue with Cordelia. And MB+ Laito is still Laito. As for Yui, dude she literally goes through stockholm syndrome in the first game like it is so goddamn apparent idek how to explain this at this point.

Ok dear god lmao wow, uh I think that’s answering the first couple of questions?

The philosophy of truth:

“Truth” has been an incredibly debated topic in philosophy for years. Truth is more of a subjective item rather than objective. Sure you can have personal objective truths, but they may not be the same truths for others. For example, a tomato is red. However, that tomato is red to me, because I am not color blind. A red-green color blind person may see the tomato as being brown or more muted in color. That’s their truth. They can’t really imagine what red is (ok depending on severity of their color blindness), considering they have not experienced the color red in the same way people who don’t have color blindness do. God uh, here’s a whole ass essay about truth, I’m cherry picking some of the things in there that are relevant to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, truth is very subjective. However, there are philosophers arguing a more objective truth. But that’s a whole other discussion. Also, this isn’t to support any political opinion, but I can use that as an example. Let’s go for well... The death penalty. I’m in America, we have the death penalty in some states. Yes, this is a very controversial topic, and no I’m not arguing the ethics of it here. Just hear me out.

If you live in Europe for example (except in Belarus and Russia––ok when I looked it up they consider Russia in Europe and technically it is but also there’s the whole chunk that is not- lmao even the truth of geography can be subjective), you might be like “yeah what the fuck are Americans doing?” (a common sentiment that I also share lmao). But yeah, what the fuck are we doing? Why is the death penalty still in existence? Yes, there’s statistics that prove that it doesn’t deter crime, but even crime rates is caused by a lot of different things too. Even statistics aren’t always accurate, because of many different factors. They’re not objective either, although good statisticians try their best to get good results and not skew the data. (please try to see where your data is coming from and who it is sponsored by––it matters a TON)

I’d say the closest thing we have as an objective truth to argue the death penalty or not is money. Money, although the concept is subjective, is a very objective currency. It’s why artists hate “exposure” compared to “money” as sole currency. The death penalty is very expensive, and not even used that often.

So, although money is currency made by us, and is technically 75% linen and 25% cotton (in America at least) with some funky dudes n numbers printed on it, it doesn’t sound that special. However, it would be considered as a baseline of some type of “objective truth” in ~society~ because people are typically on the same page of what money’s worth. Even so, this baseline of truth is still subjective! If Bill Gates accidentally has a $20 bill fall out of his pocket, that’s nothing to him! But if someone who’s working very hard to make ends meet loses that same amount of money, it could deal a lot of financial damage to that person.

Ok, hopefully you guys kind of get my drift. There are a lot of theories of truth, I’m just explaining one (honestly I forget the name of this theory) because it is the closest to the types of truth we are dealing with. And in this case, it’s called “canon.”

What the fuck is analysis:

The concept of “canon” is the objective truth that we have when analyzing universes. They’re our bread and butter of interpretation and extrapolation. The art of analysis clings to this notion of an objective truth. It needs a baseline. I’m going off of Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle, because that type of analysis I have the most experience with.

This is called rhetorical analysis. Rhetoric is the use of words in a persuasive fashion, and the analysis part is a breakdown of how words are used in order to achieve persuasiveness. I don’t typically use a lot of explicit rhetorical analysis in my personal writings, but I guess a version of it. Which typically has to deal with intention and execution. A lot of analysis on language has to do with this. Language is incredibly subjective. Certain words carry individual meanings to people. I have gone over the difference between real and lexical definitions before, and I’ll do it again.

I’ll just copy and paste what I’ve said before here from this analysis:

To put it simply, lexical definitions are the definitions you find in the dictionary. This is an “official” and “agreed upon” definition. Real definitions (quite a misleading name in my opinion) is the definition that’s more kind of “felt” in a way and how you internally interpret the word in context (these can be through individuals or any niche group). What I mean by this is that when you say a word (for example) to convey a feeling, you usually won’t know the dictionary definition off the top of your head. You say that something’s “savage” for example when you want to describe something violent or gruesomely awesome (it depends if it’s in a slang context or not) but there’s many lexical definitions (and outdated lexical definitions) of the term. But the first definition that usually comes up is “adj (of an animal or force of nature) fierce, violent, and uncontrolled.”

But people typically don’t think of the lexical definition when they learn what a word means; they usually learn the context of it and apply it as such. And that’s what a “real” definition is. Laito has a differing definition of what affection and love is, and that’s his own meaning and what it means to him.

I’ll even add another example to that too. The word “cunt” in english refers to a vagina. That’s just it. It’s lexically synonymous with “vagina,” “pussy,” etc. However, “cunt” has a subjective meaning to it. This is where “real” definitions also come into play. Many people view the word as vulgar and dirty. And that’s cuz we live in a ~society~ lmao. Our use of language has shaped what this word means in a context outside of the dictionary. I’ll do you one more. The Japanese word マンコ (manko) is also vulgar slang that’s kind of like our word “cunt/pussy.” Sometimes I say “cunt” for jokes, but I don’t use it that often to begin with since it’s just a very strong word to most (albeit it’s not that strong of a word for me). However, マンコ is a strong word to many Japanese people, but if I hear it even though I’ve been learning Japanese, it doesn’t have that same effect as hearing “cunt” for me is (which still, idc if I really hear it depending on context) because I haven’t been shaped in a culture that uses Japanese.

Even so, tone, intention, and context is HUGE in this. If someone called me a “useless fucking cunt” when they’re angry at me, I’d be close to crying. If someone told that to me as a joke, I’d be like “lol yeah you right, bitchass” and if someone said that in a consensual sexual context, it would certainly tickle my masochistic heart.

DSLKFJ also sorry if you don’t like hearing that word, I just had to utilize a strong example for this. But anyways, now let’s change the lens to Dialovers.

No, it never explicitly says that Cordelia rapes Laito. It doesn’t. However, there’s this WACKY thing called being able to infer, reading between the lines, and identifying implications. Those are kind of all the same things. However, indirect exposition is used a lot in effective creative writing. The utilization of this type of exposition is more preferred when writing a story, because direct exposition is kind of referred to as “info-dumping” when used excessively. Forgive my jargon: this is just showing vs telling as we’re taught in every writing class. I’m personally very bad at it, which is why I stick to writing these, and stick to reading creative fiction. (NOT SAYING IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT THIS TO NOT CONTINUE TO PRACTICE CREATIVE FICTION, I JUST DONT HAVE THE CURRENT MOTIVATION TO GET GOOD AT IT)

Dialovers uses a LOOOOOT of showing. And even so, its “showing” ability is very minimal considering the Japanese language can be vague on its own, it’s medium (visual novel) does not show a lot of things explicitly most of the time (and even when it is shown it doesn’t convey a lot). There’s several CGs of Laito and Yui where it doesn’t show the amount of pain or the dire situation Yui’s in, compared to what she’s saying she’s going through.

When I made my whole breakdown on Laito’s HDB route from Yui’s perspective, I got several comments about how they didn’t realize how bad his route really was. That’s either because people might not have experience with verbal abuse themselves, can’t exactly see Yui’s body language except her head (and even so, her expressions are limited), or don’t know a lot of gaslighting/verbal abuse techniques/have done research into it. Honestly verbal abuse is kind of hard to realize, so I’m not calling anyone dumb here. Despite me knowing a lot of the signs, I didn’t know I went through it––and even so I’ve denied it. And that’s what is so effective about this game though! Especially Laito’s route! Because you’re also sucked in with limited knowledge because you’re seeing this through Yui’s perspective, and on top of that it’s isolating. You can only make so many choices, and I feel like Dialovers is perfect as a visual novel. You get caught up with a lot of shock value things that Laito says, which serves as a perfect distraction for your first time through. But anyways, I’m getting off track.

For example, many people found his Maniac 07 chapter to be very confusing. I broke that one down here as well, and even so I was confused at first (also I was like 14/15, dear god). It tells you SO little, but you know that Laito’s incredibly upset at Richter for some reason, and even so, Yui comments on it a little too. Laito is shown to still hate Richter in DF, but he talks about it a tad more.

Here’s a further example from my writings in that first part of the Cordelia/Laito analysis series but I have bolded the terms I use to convey this rhetoric:

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance.

That’s what rhetorical analysis is. You take the contextual meaning of the words, the tone they use, and extrapolate what they imply. On top of this, we know that the term “love” here is sexual, implying that they did something sexual. We are not given the details of this, but considering we know that Laito uses “love” before he rapes Yui in the game, we can infer that’s what happened (or something similar) to himself with Cordelia, considering he projects on Yui quite a bit.

I was going to go over what is good/bad analysis, but I think I’ve implied it anyways here. Utilizing separate information from different sources of canon in order to make sense of something is good analysis. That’s our objective truth: canon. I’m not saying I’m the best at analysis, but I am fairly confident in it. It’s how I’m able to attempt to answer some of your “how would Laito react” questions without it being specifically hinted in the game. You cannot cherry pick specific sentences and go off of that alone for analysis. It’s context. It’s reading tone. It’s knowing the characters attitudes towards things, how they speak, etc. There’s a lot going into analysis in general. I know I didn’t elaborate on Aristotle’s rhetorical triangle right now, but that’s for another date I suppose.

Oh dear god I hope I didn’t lose you guys, I know this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions/comments/clarifications, as always, please let me know!

Hope you enjoyed! -Corn

#analysis #ask corn

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ignitification · 4 years ago

Note

It’s me the Shigaraki survivalist again lol

It’s cool you don’t agree I guess I just want to get my thoughts out

You said it’s unrealistic for Deku to save Shigaraki and them to work together—but the way I see it is that’s exactly what the story has been building up to. In a world where nothing is really “unrealistic” I really truly think it’s very in the realm of where the story is going. Shigaraki does look tired, because he has never been given a break. The thing is, BNHA isn’t a tragedy! (I think Hawks’s arc will be a tragedy but that’s a whole different discussion)

I just cannot see how Deku will be crowned “the greatest hero who ever lived” meanwhile the one person who needed him most is lying there dead. It just doesn’t feel convincing, especially in a shonen story. As far as the story is concerned, Shigaraki is still a child and never had a chance to grow up (it’s a coming of age story for Deku and Shigaraki). And you can’t celebrate being the greatest hero who ever lived while a “child” is dead. And I 100% expect Shigaraki and Touya to be very difficult to save (kinda like Kota from the training camp arc, but Deku saved him didn’t he?)—they’re gonna decline the help at first obviously. They have no reason to trust heroes, which is why I think Deku and Shoto are going to have to prove that they mean it—and they will, because they do.

I just feel like Shigaraki dying completely cancels out Deku’s main goal of “saving everybody”—which has been his thing since the beginning. Shigaraki was, in the eyes of the narrative, All Might’s responsibility to save, and he failed. Not only is Deku going to have to clean up the OFA/AFO mess, he’s gonna have to clean up the mess that All Might could have prevented (I’m not blaming All Might completely but as far as the story is concerned, and All Might is concerned—he definitely bares some responsibility for Tenko’s fate).

It’s as you said we don’t know what Horikoshi is going to do, but a girl can hope lol

I just don’t feel like the story is going to end with the message of “not everybody can be saved”. I just feel that there is so much more hope in this story than people give it credit for! Shonen typically reeks of hope and optimism, and even now BNHA still has that hopeful, optimistic energy, not grimdark realism. I think Horikoshi will pull this off and it’s gonna be awesome. And if you are right and Shigaraki does die, I honestly will consider it a huge waste of a character who could have and should have been saved, just like Touya, who I also think is 100% going to make it out alive.

Hey, Shigaraki Survivalist!

Glad you’re putting you opinion out here.

Getting onto matters, I would like to maybe clarify my statement: I do not think it is unrealistic for Shigaraki and Deku to work together (I think rather that it would be absolutely fair, and maybe cathartic) and I do agree that is what is likely to happen, sooner or later.

As for BNHA not being a tragedy, I think that it already is. Look at how Touya, Shigaraki and the same Izuku grew up: discriminated against, bullied, neglected and abused. If this is not a tragedy, I do not know what is. But if by that you meant that the general mood of the story is supposed to be one of instilling hope and instead letting people know that there is always a way one, and that there is still some possibility of saving if there is a will. I fully agree on that. The themes in BNHA are the real tragedy, but you are absolutely right when you say that the message is ‘People make mistakes. But that’s not the end. They can change and correct those mistakes, apologise, amend. Things can change.’ and not ‘Not everyone can be saved’ (even if, here, I would like to argue that Twice’s death message is exactly that but I don’t want to digress).

Also, not going to lie, I really like the positivity I feel from your message. It puts a smile on my face thinking that there is someone out there fully believing that salvation will come because there is someone who wants it to come. It’s a good thing. It’s a thing I, for one, do not have so thank you for doing that, this really brightened my evening.

Now, onto a more heavy part of the post. I wanted to talk about All Might, and how he did fail, even if not entirely by himself, to save Shigaraki. First of all, I would like to notice the particular panel which tells us that ‘You can save only those you can reach’.

This panel is telling in more ways than one. All Might specifically addresses Izuku in saying this, while not literally meaning it (or at least not expecting Izuku to understand it so literally). All Might ( and I talked about it here) is a character which sets up the bar high for Hero standards (and is seen as an idol so far gone, that no one could ever possibly reach him) - and that is exactly why Izuku bears this 'lesson' stoically and tries to save everyone ever more than before. Because if All Might could do it, Izuku feels like he should be able as well (while not considering the disproportion in between them, and I mean in experience and just relatively emotionally).

I mean Izuku feels a high burden with OfA, and to deal with AfO, and sometimes he can get very much extreme - but exactly for that, as you said, he would never feel as if he succeeded if he does not manage to save Shigaraki. Because if All Might is capable of brushing this aside, justifying himself by saying that he couldn't have done anything to prevent it and that it is impossible after all to save everyone, Izuku is not. Izuku feel so deeply that he cries for others, he rages for others, he longs for others with a great smile on his face because that is what it's expected of him.

And he likes to fulfil those expectation, whether that kills him, injuries him or anything else (as we saw him being all bandaged up in 299 and with no sign to recover any soon).

However, this what I mean when I say that Tomura looks tired:

He fails to understand how him not being saved is not actually a fault of someone (heroes/society, you name it - even if he does realise much later), but his first instinct as a kid is to blame himself and to tell that this, is is his punishment. He deserved it. And he does deserve to a degree what has happened to him since, because he is guilty of something he will never be able to forgive himself for and that is why he is they he is now.

I do think, that Touya, even being more self-destructive than Shigaraki, is an easier subject to save. I am not saying this because I think Dabi’s trauma or problems are easier to solve, but because Shouto understood him (to some extent) and with the sentence ‘I am him? referring to Touya and his intentions he is unwillingly showing us that Touya’s path to redemption (summed with Endeavour’s arc) are all pointing at Touya being saved, no matter how bad the situation gets. He, still scarred and lonely, does have a family out there caring for him. Or at least wanting to get to the bottom of things and not leave him to burn to death, alone. Again.

Shigaraki, on the other hand, does not have such a thing. Kurogiri has been captured, AfO is using him and the only guy who thought of Tomura as a human being, other than a bad villain, is Deku. I do not want say that this is not enough, but with all the burden that Izuku is already carrying at the moment, can he also bear on himself the weight of saving Shigaraki? I really hope he does, but as anyway as it will be, I think that Deku will try. He will try to get that hand reaching out to Tomura and even if skeptical about it, I hope Shigaraki takes the chance and takes it. He does deserve a break. He deserves a blanket, a cup of steaming tea and a hot long nap in a warm bed. A hug is optional.

One of the themes I never touched upon is also, the found family of the League and Hawks. I really am waiting for more insight into the League’s members feeling for Twice, and maybe holding a funeral. I am also waiting for them to discuss Hawks.

On which, my last point for this post: Hawks’ story, serves as a parallel to Dabi’s. We see how the abuse can bring to two extremes: one becoming a villain and focusing on hate, and the other focusing on idolising and becoming a hero (and in the meantime trying to forget everything else). I want Hawks to face consequences for his actions, and I want him to understand that he, too, is a victim and that atoning for his father’s crimes is not the way to go. He also needs to break free of the past and let go. I really hope that instead of clinging into past ideals and Endeavour, he realises that there is something highly wrong with the society he is fundamental part of and that he break free. If he doesn’t, as has been already put out there by some amazing posts I read, it will after all end in tragedy. Once a friend told me how Hawks was a tragic hero, and I might disagree but I do think that the name is fitting. But it’s not like that will change things. Only we can - and I hope everyone realises that.

p.s. Look at this panel, during the last moments of fight between Shigaraki and Deku.

And after that the realization of Izuku, that Shigaraki, who he does want to save is not only suffering internally, but as well externally, because of AfO and whatever is going on. Exhausted beyong recognition.

Look at Shigaraki's form. He looks like he is right about to collapse. There is a hand stretched out, in help, in resignation, in sadness, in pain. But his other hand is almost clenching, hard, noy wanting to let go. Tomura is after all trying to fight the entity within him, while also trying not to lose himself and look out for everything that might come in its way outside.

And finally, there is someone who looks through the hand on his hand, through the cracks of his identity, through every wall Tomura has put in between himself and others in order to protect them, and himself, from the absolute monster he thinks he is.

And it's, at the same time both ironic and daunting how these same words are also the works Deku speaks to Kacchan while saving him from the Sludge Villains. There is a direct parallel between Katsuki, who had hated Deku while being afraid of being inferior to him and that did not want his helo because he would feel too weak, and Shigaraki, who has no will of getting himself saved by anyone, but especially by the kid that denied him the objective of gaining OfA and defeating everything and the same kid who seems to feel something other than disgust for him. Both Katsuki and Shigaraki are opposites to Izuku.

So, if Izuku saved Kacchan, who in return saved Deku after accepting the fact that he and Izuku, are, after all, hero AND friends who care about each other, it would be nice to see where this is going to go with Tomura. And see if, maybe, just maybe, it is possible for Shigaraki to stop being Shigaraki and be Shimura Tenko instead.

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clean-bands-dirty-stories · 4 years ago

Text

Weak ~ S.R. (part 2)

A/n: A good song for this part is “Grow As We Go” by Ben Platt. Even though I wrote this inspired by “Weak” by AJR, I feel this song works a lot better :) Side note: for some reason I changed POV halfway through but for only one part? And I didn’t want to miss something so I just left it. Just... ignore that lol.

Word Count: 7000+

MASTERLIST

They call me after dark, I don't want no part. My habits, they hold me like a grudge- I promise I won't budge.

"Hey JJ," Y/n greeted as she braced herself in front of the office she now stood in front of.

"Hey." JJ's voice had become quite familiar in their time talking. Prentiss had also given her number, but they didn't talk as much. JJ, Y/n and Penelope had a group chat though and the three of them talked loads. "I heard you start your new job today. You excited?"

Y/n tried not to think about it. The first time she'd walked into the police station she usually worked at she'd had a panic attack, and even when it had gotten better she still couldn't find comfort there anymore. Everyone understood and they'd given her basically worker's comp as she searched for a new job. They'd even helped her out. But it hadn't worked and she couldn't find any other real work there, so she was back in DC. The place wasn't tainted anymore, but Y/n did miss the small town feel. The real problem was that Y/n hadn't told anyone that she had moved back. She'd just told them she'd gotten a job at the diner.

"Very," Y/n lied. "I have to start in a few minutes actually. Mind if I call you tonight?"

"Oh of course," JJ assured. "I thought you started later."

Y/n chuckled. The woman had become a sort of comfort for her. "I appreciate the check up call," she said. "I'll tell you how it went later." JJ agreed and they ended the call and Y/n walked inside. It was as far from Y/n's dream as she could get. Well, maybe now as far from, but it was just a printing store. You came here to get your pictures printed from a camera, or you faxed them and they printed here. Posters. Invitations. Anything. Y/n wore a polo shirt and khakis. She was going nothing great for this world, but at least she could pay rent.

The day was long and boring. Y/n was glad to be home, but not excited to call JJ about it. She hated lying and this one might require her to do it. She could just tell JJ she was back in town and working literally BLOCKS from everyone else but... then they might ask to hang out and that would bring her around to see Spencer again and that was what she REALLY wanted but also what she even more needed not to happen.

"Hey Y/n!" JJ greeted. "I'm so glad to hear from you."

"Just get off of work?" Y/n asked.

"Just gave Hotch a new case," JJ corrected, sighing. "It's going to be a rough one." She paused. "I kind of wish you were here. We could get coffee while they get ready." She chuckled.

It kind of came out when she said that. "I actually am." A long pause. "I- I couldn't find a job. I lived here before I moved away, so I moved back. Uh. I could meet you somewhere?"

"Sure," JJ said slowly, processing what Y/n had just said.

Y/n planted her face in her hand. "I'll explain over coffee, okay?" JJ agreed and they hung up. Y/n headed out, meeting her at the nearest coffee shop they'd both agreed on. When the two women saw each other, their smiles grew. They hugged and then they parted, went inside, ordered, and got a close by place that would let them talk without possibly missing their order. JJ didn't have a lot of time before they all left. "Did you tell anyone I'm back?"

JJ pursed her lips. "I got the feeling you didn't want anyone to know."

Y/n sighed, covering her face. "I adore you guys, it's nothing like that. I just-" she laughed nervously, feeling her emotions rising. "Did you know that when I was a kid, I wanted to be a cop?" She laughed, looking anywhere but JJ. "I can't even handle one run in with a bad guy, let alone hundreds. Thousands. I'm not-" Y/n cut off. She was about to say 'worthy'. Something she screamed at herself all the time. But she couldn't say that to JJ- that would lead to her finding out about five and a half years ago. "Strong enough." That would work. "And because of that, I quit a job I really loved. Not even that- I just couldn't work there anymore. Quit and fired leave the idea that anyone wanted me to leave." She scoffed at herself. "And now I'm at Shutterfly printing pictures and talking to practically no one ever, standing around and waiting for someone to ask for a picture or a poster or something. I'm-" she huffed.

JJ reached across the table, hand resting against Y/n's arm. "You are not weak." Her words were so firm and sure that Y/n had a hard time finding something to argue. What had she been so sure of a moment ago? "You were kidnapped by a psychopath, Y/n. You were almost killed. That's horrible. Even we struggle with it for a very long time when it happens to us. The only difference is that we're conditioned to it every day of our lives. The fact that it bothers you is a good sign. We're... numb to it. It's really bad actually." She flinches, sighing. "You SHOULD be upset by it."

Taking a breath to stabilize herself, Y/n nodded. "I just... feel pathetic. And I don't want them to see me like this." She stared at the table, tracing her finger along the design. If she was being honest, it was really that she didn't want Reid to see her like this. After all, she'd told JJ just fine. But she wasn't being honest. When she looked up and met JJ's gaze, though, it was clear she didn't have to be. I guess that's what you get when you talk to a professional profiler.

"Okay." Their orders were called and they got them, heading out. "If I can do anything for you, Y/n, you have my number." Y/n nodded, but didn't say anything more. JJ had an odd look in her eyes that made Y/n nervous. "I promise I won't tell him." Neither had to clarify who she was talking. "Promise, okay?" Y/n nodded again and they hugged before JJ headed off to kick some bad guy ass.

Y/n felt terrible watching her go.

- First Person POV -

"You did what?"

"I got you a job here!" She repeated, sounded ecstatic. I felt horrified, and after my tone she continued at a very quick pace, as if to explain herself. "I figure you can get some second hand experience and see if you really are into this sort of thing. I know a lot of people like the idea, but sometimes when they get into this line of work they learn pretty quickly it's not for them. And that's okay. I just- I mean, it's just like your last job. You'll be an assistant; helping with paperwork, keeping this moving and organized and helping everyone go home sooner. We could use another set of eyes watching our backs- Hotch and I try our best, but there's just too many of them, you know?" It was an attempt at a joke, but when I didn't laugh she continued talking. "Plus, working here gives you great insurance. You could put yourself through schooling, for whatever kind of job you find you like most here. You might like to be a technical analysis instead of a field agent, or you might prefer something like my job that allows you limited field or... whatever." JJ had never sounded nervous before, but Y/n hadn't had too much experience in seeing her nervous in a personal situation, rather than seeing her face press or having to keep everything together under pressure. It was kind of endearing. "I thought it would be nice to know what you're getting into before you do it. And..." She hesitated. "We miss you. I haven't told anyone like you asked, but Garcia is dying to meet you and everyone always talk about how much we wish you were around to lighten up the mood like last time we worked with you.” JJ sighed. "Honestly, Garcia tries her best but keeping things light around here is hard, and it's taking a huge toll on her. It would be so helpful if she had someone to bounce off of."

Y/n found herself smiling. If she could really make a difference... I mean, if the job wiped out all of those who did it, who would do the job, right? Someone had to watch the backs of those too busy watching the backs of others.

She would be working Spencer constantly, but she tried not to think about that. She'd barely survived two weeks- how would she manage sharing a career with him? But, how could she turn him down? Wasn't the whole point of pulling herself together and becoming a better person and getting her old habits bated so that Spencer Reid didn't control her life anymore? This was the opportunity she'd been waiting for her whole life. She had no real excuses- she just couldn't let him hold her back from living her life, especially when he wanted to do anything but. She'd almost allowed her awkwardness with him deprive her of really good friends, which would have left her far from where she was now with this job offer. She needed to take charge and get the fuck over herself.

"You know what JJ, I would absolutely love that."

An audible sigh of relief sounded on the other side of the receiver and Y/n chuckled. "I'm so glad to hear that. I... did talk to Hotch because he's the one who hired you, so I may have fibbed a little about not telling ANYONE else- but he's good at keeping secrets, and everyone else will be shocked when you start. Should I brace them or do you want to break that news in person?"

Y/n couldn't help it- she smirked. "How could I turn down such a dramatic entrance?"

"I thought you would say that." Just from the sound of JJ's voice, Y/n could tell both of them had matching curves to their lips. It was that which made Y/n feel so sure that this would be a great thing for her. It wouldn't even be a big deal, beside maybe the initial shock of it all. She just had to not over think it.

Walking into a precinct full of people who were trained to pick apart every person they run across until they get into their head and saw their bare soul hadn't been a thought that crossed Y/n's mind until she walked into the room after JJ's rather dramatic and mysterious introduction. All eyes turned to Y/n and she almost died right then and there because the confusion burning in their gazes demanded to be satiated, and it seemed they were trying to answer the questions themselves rather than just asking. Their gaze bore into her, making her uncomfortable and awkward.

"Guys," JJ reminded.

Morgan blinked first. He grinned, standing up and approaching Y/n. "Oh my gosh! I-" he cut off, his arms twitching. "Are you good with hugs?" Y/n nodded wordlessly. When was the last time she'd been hugged? By... Maya. Oh god let's not think about that. Morgan wrapped his arms around her and she let his warmth distract her from dark thoughts. He gave great hugs- it was easy. She'd missed that feeling, goodness.

Prentiss was next. "Okay so I need an explanation here." She was smiling though, and her tone was as light as her hand as she rested it on Y/n's shoulders. She liked how touchy the team was. It was only in that moment that Y/n realized she was hungering for physical touch.

Pushing those thoughts down, Y/n tried to aim a little better for normal. "I kind of lost my last job because every time I went into the... Well, being back there made me kind of..." she motioned with her hands, trying to explain. Her face went red. "It's hard to return to the place you were kidnapped from." She cleared her throat, but there was no judgement from the people around her, just understanding. That made her feel worse. "Well, it turns out that small towns aren't as much my thing when the only other jobs are really menial, so I moved back to Virginia. I lived here my whole life before moving out there." She shrugged. "I was looking for real work and mentioned it to JJ one day since we talk a lot. And she'd amazing, so here I am." Again everyone nodded, but this time they had smiles on their faces and JJ beamed with pride.

"Well," Rossi began, but he was cut off by someone.

"Everyone out of my way!" The crowd beginning to form around me parted for a pretty blonde girl who was... very loud. Not just like voice wise, but with what she wore as well. It made my heart more full. It was almost a relief compared to all the neutral grey and black and the occasional blue or something. "I am Penelope Garcia, and we're going to be spending a lot of time together so I thought I thought I should ask now, how are with sexual humor and platonic flirting because this is like super essential to my personality."

Y/n giggled and everyone seemed to perk up, especially Garcia. "I'm kind of awkward," Y/n admitted. "But you can do whatever you want. As long as you keep that pretty smile on your face."

Everyone's jaw dropped, and Y/n and Garcia both turned red. Y/n blushed because despite what she'd just said she really was awkward. Garcia blushed because after what Y/n had said, she hadn't expected to be flirted with, neither had she been flirted with by such a cute, innocent person. She was used to Derek who was unapologetically sexy. "Oh," the blonde noticed. "We're going to be GREAT friends."

"I really hope so," Y/n gushed sincerely. Everyone seemed to be cheery already, smiles all around.

Then Y/n saw Spencer. He approached slowly, seeming shy as he gently maneuvered through people to get to Y/n. "Hi," he greeted softly upon finally reaching a comfortable distance.

It was suddenly pin drop silent, and the lack of chatter seemed so heavy that Y/n winced, feeling her chest rage against it. "Hello." Y/n cleared her throat, hoping her burning face could be excused by her interaction with Garcia, where it had started. "So. Anything major happening today?"

JJ saw the cry of help and answered the call instantly. "We have a new case."

"Thank god," Spencer whispered, ducking his head and moving away from Y/n. She didn't think he'd meant for her to hear it, and the words hadn't seemed to hurt anyone else, so she let them roll off of her shoulders. He had seemed pretty happy to see her, if a little awkward. It was probably weird to see her so social when she was so stiff with him was all. And after how heavy the air had been, she was relieved to get away from it herself.

Was this going to be how it always was between them?

Goodness she hoped not.

One sip, bad for me; one hit, bad for me; one kiss, bad for me, but I give in so easily. And no thank you is how it should've gone. I should stay strong, but I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

- third person POV -

"Hey, G," Y/n greeted brightly, two cups of coffee in her hands. It had been a few days on her first case, and already she understood what JJ had meant by Garcia struggling to keep the mood light. The woman hated to frown, let alone be serious, and unfortunately for her the rest of the team was pretty stoic. Thankfully she could bounce off of Morgan, but now that she had Y/n who was as equally positive - if not as high energy - the two women had come up with lots of things to keep each other in good shape. Like dorky nicknames only they used, and being around each other a lot, and sharing food and drink suggestions. Y/n was usually the one to get them since her job made her feel rather useless since she didn't do much to make a difference, but she could reason to herself that keeping Garcia caffeinated was the best thing she could do for the team other than be out there with them directly.

"Hey, Lovergirl," Garcia piped cheerily. Y/n chuckled at the nickname. Ever since her flirting, they'd been nonstop back and forth in a much more innocent way than Garcia was with Morgan. The man and Y/n had jokingly fought over Garcia, but then she had made a joke about how she had two hands and it had ended there. The sort of pure back and forth had let Garcia giving her more innocent nicknames, like Sweetheart and Lovergirl, rather than Chocolate Thunder over there. Someone had asked if they were dating and they'd both fist bumped after having a laughing fit over it. Somewhere along the way Garcia had mumbled, 'Lovergirl wishes' and it had been making Y/n smile ever since. She'd never had a friend like this before and she was basking in it.

Unfortunately, the rest of the team wasn't having as good of a time.

"It's so good to hear your voice." It was Morgan, making Y/n smile even wider.

"Not as good as it is to hear yours," Y/n replied calmly. "How you doing, Batman?"

The smile was obvious in his voice. "Much better now that you're here." Y/n giggled then settled in next to Garcia. They got to business after that. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing you want to know," Garcia sighed. She tried to keep her tone casual but Y/n could tell she also didn't want to talk about it.

"Fair enough. Anything I can do to help the most beautiful woman in the world?" She asked instead. "Give me literally anything, otherwise I have to leave your amazing presence and then where would I be?"

Garcia was grinning again. Y/n felt proud. "There's actually a lot of that footage still left. I got distracted by what you gave me last time. Want to see if you can get anything else?" Y/n nodded, getting to work.

It took a few hours until she found something, but when she did, her heart stopped. She snagged her phone, dialing Reid immediately. He answered on the second ring. "Y/n?" He seemed surprised, but his tone pitched up like he was happy about it too.

Y/n was too preoccupied to think about it. "What the likelihood of winning gambles at chance games?"

"Well what kind of chance gamble? The odds of winning the Lottery are approximately one in fourteen-million, where a person has a one in three million chance of sighting a UFO. Funnily enough, that's almost five times more likely than winning the jackpot. You are more likely to die of a flesh eating disease at one in a million than winning the lottery."

"Spencer?" Y/n smiled to herself, not being able to stop him. He was adorable. She pushed that to the back of her mind, shaking her head to refocus as well as wipe the smile off of her face. "How often do people have a so called winning streak in gambling? Like in casinos." He paused and Y/n's eyebrows together. "Spencer?" And then she realized her mistakes and her eyes widened. "I- uh- Dr. Reid."

He sucked in air before responding in a rasping voice, "Some scientists actually believe that luck streaks are real, continued by the fact that people just choose safer odds and then keep on that streak every time they... anyway, the point it, based on how smart you are, you could keep winning constantly."

A thought caught in Y/n's mind. "Have you ever lost a gamble?"

His answer was immediate and clueless. "I haven't, no. Why do you ask?"

Y/n tried not to laugh and managed a soft chuckle. "No reason. Uh-" She shook her head again. God, why couldn't she focus?! "I was looking through more of that footage we got where we saw the masked unsub walking in the shadows and looking for someone to kill. Well I was looking through the extra footage the casino gave us- remember the bonus hours they said nothing happened on, but they gave it to us just to give us more hours? To be annoying, because they were mad or whatever?" Spencer hummed. "Well, a man matching the masked attacker's height, weight, and wearing the same suit shows up the next day gambling. For nearly the entire day, and then he goes home with far more money than he came with and he hasn't lost a single game." Y/n paused, biting her lip. "Not even once the whole day."

Garcia's interest has peaked at this point. She's rolls her chair over, eyes scanning the moment Y/n's paused on on the screen. The footage is from an old camera, so Y/n doesn't even know if they can make out his face. But there he is. Facing the camera and everything. "He wore the same suit," she whispers, horrified.

"Do you think he's killing to increase his luck?" Spencer asked hurriedly.

"No," Y/n answered immediately. Only then did she realized he'd asked Garcia, but the blonde was looking at her to explain her answer so she shot off. "The day before, he was agitated. Today, he's calm. Not confident, but completely at peace. It's not like that one case you talked about where a guy went around killing people because he thought it brought him luck. I looked back on feed for that and he was reckless- almost drunk, high on confidence. This man... it's like he got a good night's rest."

Spencer paused. "How do you know about that case?"

"Oh well JJ made a comment about how this one was similar to that one so I got the file and looked into it. We have the footage and everything on file." She shrugged, then saw Garcia's look of shock. "Should... I have not done that?"

"No you're fine," Garcia voiced. "That's just really impressive catch up playing."

Y/n blushed. "I'm just doing my job." She cleared her throat. "I could be wrong, I just wanted your opinion-" she cut off, catching herself for a second. "Reid."

She could feel him nod, rather than see it since they were over the phone. "Thanks Y/n. I'll tell the others."

"Anything for you, Wonderboy," Y/n teased. The line went dead. She felt her stomach twist. She was trying to treat him like she did everyone else, but every flirt hit different when it was directed at him. Even such easily dismissed ones such as the one she'd just delivered. She could feel Garcia's eyes locked on her so Y/n busied herself with her drink until the blonde had to get back to work, boarding on already wasting time they didn't have.

For now, she had escaped questions but every day it got harder as people seem to take everything she said and looked into it so see the truth where she tried to hide it.

God help her.

Y/n slipped into the elevator. This case hadn't gone very well, ending with gun shots ringing through Garcia's phone and a long silence of unknowing whether it was for the unsub or for their friends. Turns out, it was a little of both. One for the unsub, one for none other than Dr. Spencer Reid himself. He'd lost a lot of blood before anything could be done and now he was in the hospital and the entire team had had to pry Y/n out of that room and to her house so she could get cleaned up a little after having gone straight from hours in the office, stressing about work, straight to hovering over his bed waiting for him to wake up for just as long.

Now she entered the room again, nodding to a waiting Prentiss. "They told me to come send you outside next." Hotch had been getting them home one by one, as each of the team had been as worried as Y/n. "JJ and Hotch have kids and Morgan's on Garcia duty to make sure she gets some food and rest. Have you eaten yet?" Prentiss stood, shaking her head. "I've got this, and Rossi said he might drop by to keep me company if he can't get to sleep. Please."

"Thank you," Prentiss whispered as she passed Y/n on her way out. There were frown lines on the edges of her eyes and a strain to her smile. "Don't stay too long. Sleeping here can't be good for your back." It was a weak joke- everyone knew the other girl wouldn't leave this room again until he was awake. And he would wake up. Prentiss caught Y/n's hand. "Hey, you know it wasn't your fault right?"

Y/n flinched. She had been the one to give Reid the information about the unsub. Morgan had been a little skeptical of her idea since she wasn't a profiler, and it had put an edge on everyone else too, even Hotch who was obviously trying not to be partial. The truth was though, Derek was more experienced than Y/n was. He was more familiar with the team and had their trust a lot more. They had said something about Reid being partial, but Garcia and JJ had been pretty convinced too. That didn't help Reid when he went the extra mile to prove to everyone Y/n was right though. That he trusted her for a real reason. That there was merit to her words and observations. It didn't help him when he went a different direction than the others because he had a gut feeling and Hotch encouraged him too. It didn't even help when he'd taken JJ with him, since she was the only other person who believed Y/n as much as Spencer did.

It didn't help him when he got shot on Y/n's hunch. Got shot with her on the phone, waiting on baited breath just to hear JJ freaking out on the other end.

It didn't help him now either, as he lay in a hospital bed.

Y/n looked away. "Yeah."

"I'm serious," Prentiss insisted. "At the time, it was fair for us to doubt you. We-" she cut off, choosing better words. "We shouldn't have, because you did your work like the rest of us. But you are new and untrained, so it was fair to have pause at first. But Reid, JJ, and Garcia all backed you up and we should have been there for that. We could all play the blame game. If we’d just listened to Reid and JJ. If we’d believed Garcia. If we had been more open minded about you... But that’s isn’t fair. It's no one's fault but the unsub's."

That was another thing. The man who had put Reid in the hospital was still out there, already all better and heading out to jail. His eyes were open and there had been a smile on his face when he was getting toted off. JJ had told Y/n while she was in shock. He was fine and Reid was in the hospital and Y/n sat there hating the whole thing. "Yeah," she repeated, because she didn't have the energy to fight herself on how she felt versus what she knew to be real.

Prentiss seemed to see that struggle and recognized that she couldn't get through to Y/n anymore than she already had. So she left and Y/n was there alone. She took back her old spot, where she'd been until a few hours ago. Where Prentiss had been sitting before she came back. Now she sat back down again and rested her elbow on the bed. It was itching into late mid morning and Y/n still hadn't slept. Her eyelids were dragging against her, demanding she rest. She tried to fight it, but eventually her head drooped more and more until it fell next to Spencer's limp arm and the world was lost to her as she fell asleep.

There was a sense of being watched that ripped her awake again. Her eyes shot open and her fingers curled around the sheets, her body going rigid. A pair of hands shot out to wrap around her tense fingers, pulling them away from the bed in an attempt to soothe her. She thought it was Rossi for a second until she sat up and looked over to see a weakly smiling but very awake Spencer. Y/n felt her chest shake as she sucked in a relieved breath.

"Hi," he croaked.

"You idiot." Tears were blurring her vision as she held herself back from punching him in the arm. He was hurt enough. "I oughtta sock you."

He laughed. He actually laughed, the ass. "You were right." He got a little more serious, the look in his eyes becoming soft and his smile being filled with pride rather than amusement. "He was about to kill someone when we came in. You saved a life, Y/n. Maybe even more, depending on how long it would have taken us to get him with where we were taking the case. The profile was just wrong enough he might have gotten a few more people before we stopped him."

That made Y/n relax. "I don't forgive you for getting shot."

Spencer's smile widened. "I'll do better next time."

"You better," Y/n warned. "Or I'LL put you in the hospital next time I swear to god Spencer." His eyes twinkled and Y/n swallowed. "Er, Reid."

He chuckled again. "I like when you call me Spencer. JJ does it too. It's nice."

Y/n tried not to internalize that. "Well if this is us becoming friends then I require you to have a personal nickname given to you by yours truly which only I use," Y/n warned him. After what he had done for her, standing up for her, she couldn't think of them as anything else. It was weird, as the words made her anxiety spike. Was she slipping again? Would these things lead to her obsession again? She wouldn't have to stalk him anymore- now she was right by his side, all alone. What if she was taking advantage of that situation? What would happen if he rejected her friendship? What if they got into an argument? What if his sudden interest in her was just that she was the new kid in town and it faded and they became casual acquaintances after a little while? What if... what if he met someone and that smile he wore now was for them instead?

Y/n felt jealousy twist her gut and she tried not to book it out of the room right then and there.

"I would love that."

Her eyes focused back on him and his smile seemed to waver, picking up on her mood change immediately. "Perfect," she whispered, struggling to speak around the sensation that could only be described as feeling like her ribs crushing into her lungs and heart. She had to blend in though. She couldn't be awkward with Spencer. They were already looking too closely at her. She had to stay calm and keep her distance, but not so much that people noticed and started asking questions. This job meant too much to her she had to get it under control. "How do you feel about Pence?" Her fingers fiddled with each other and his eyes caught the moment immediately. She forced the energy to move to her feet instead, softly tapping where he could not see. "Hm?"

Only then did he answer the question, when she tried to pull his attention away from her body language and to what she had said instead. His eyes stayed trained on her, but he offered a casual, "Whatever you want to call me. I've heard you calling Garcia 'G' and I think that's neat. I've never really had a nickname other than Spence."

"You're right," Y/n mumbled, focusing her mind on the task at hand rather than her pathetic need to be as close to Spencer as possible, in every way she was allowed. GOD she was insane. But that wasn't the concern right now. Right now she needed to think about a nickname for Spencer. "That's too similar. What about just Pen?"

His smile returned and Y/n felt herself relax. "Isn't that Penelope's nickname?"

"We don't use it often, and now people have started to gravitate towards G because I'm a genius and it's way cooler." Spencer grinned and Y/n felt her chest squeeze even tighter. He was beautiful... BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO FOCUS ON! "I can think of something else-"

"No I love it," Spencer rushed.

It was Y/n's turn to chuckle. "I may slip into calling you Penny and you can't judge me for that."

Spencer's fingers brushed hers and she yanked her hand away, seizing up. He seemed to have something suddenly foul tasting in his mouth, but he managed, "I wouldn't ever judge you."

Those words. Oh god. She stood. "I'll get the nurses. Tell them you're awake. You need to eat something." She was gone before he could respond, leaving him confused and alone in her awake.

Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that. I'm weak, and what's wrong with that? Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that. I'm weak, but I'm weak, and what's wrong with that? Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that.

"Pick up," Y/n spat through a locked jaw to the ringing tone she was hearing. It had wrung too many times. She had called him so much and he hadn't answered once. She knew she wasn't paying him to be her therapist anymore, but he had said they were friends. To call him if she needed someone who understood to give her encouragement, or just to catch up. Why wasn't he answering?!

"Y/n?"

Relief flooded her body. "Michael." Her tense body relaxed all at once and it was so nice she almost toppled over. Someone stared at her and she waved at them awkwardly before turning away and hoping they minded their own business. "Michael I'm losing my mind."

He was quiet for a second. "Talk to me."

Y/n ran through everything that had happened since that first day in her old office when Spencer and his team had first entered her life for real, all up until the hospital visit a few nights ago and how she had been avoiding him ever since. "It's coming back, Kel. BAD. I can't get him out of my head, and every time he gets anywhere near my body gets all tingly. I DREAMT about him last night. He keeps touching me and it's like I'm getting struck by lighting. And then he said my name and my chest gets all crushed up again and I want to know everything about him and be around him all the time and GOD I'm so scared that I'm going to end up like one of these psychotic unsubs. I don't want to quit. I LOVE my job. But if I'm doing it again-"

"Y/n, take a breath. You're forgetting to breathe when you talk again." She paused, forcing herself to intake and exhale air so her body wouldn't seize up. One time she'd talked so much about Spencer that she'd stopped breathing and had fully passed out. It was pathetic and she hated herself for it, but it had happened. "Now, I need you to really think about these questions before you answer them okay?"

"Okay," Y/n encouraged.

"Have you taken pictures of him without his permission or without him being aware?"

Y/n flinched at the memory of burning the shoe boxes, but was relieved to be able to say, "No."

"Have you followed him anywhere without his permission or without him being aware?"

"No," Y/n confirmed again, a little confused. "I don't have to, we work together."

Michael ignored the comment. "Have you learned personal information about him without his permission or without him being aware?"

"No," Y/n said slowly after thinking about it. She'd learned plenty of things, but she'd avoided it as much as possible for this very reason.

"Have you watched him in anyway without his permission or without him being aware?"

Y/n considered that. "No," she finalized, nodding to herself. "I- well I stare at him sometimes from across the room. Is that bad?"

Michael actually laughed. "Not necessarily." he paused, letting Y/n calm down with that reassurance. "How would you feel if Spencer told you he was dating someone tomorrow?"

That familiar icky gut twist returned as she thought about it. "Terrible." The word was heavy with mourning. It had slipped out immediately without her meaning to say it, so she hadn't been able to even sugar coat the response.

There was a fat pause where Michael was quiet, but he spoke again before Y/n's anxiety could get her to say something or voice her panic. "What about if he showed up with a pet, or a family member that he was close to?"

Well what an odd question. "I wouldn't care."

A smile wrung in Michael's voice when he spoke again. "Does he have someone he's as close to or closer to than you?"

"Well he's really good friends with JJ and Morgan."

"How do you feel about them?"

Y/n frowned. "I really like JJ. She actually got me this job and has been the most helpful in helping me get settled, other than Garcia. But... Morgan seems to have some trepidation about me. He liked me at first but then one day he started to get really short with me and started to try and convince everyone that I'm like not fit for this job or something."

"And that's why only JJ and Spencer went after the unsub, right?"

"Yeah," Y/n agreed. "Why is this important, Kel?"

A short pause this time. "Y/n I don't think you're old tendencies are back." That stunned her.

"But I'm doing all the same things."

"You're actually not," Michael argued. "And even when things overlap, like the watching and getting to know him, it's not for the same reasons. You're naturally forming a relationship rather than living out a fantasy that he's not apart of in reality. Do you remember the last time I asked you about Spencer having a pet or a partner?"

Y/n flinched again, but much worse. "Yeah," she mumbled, covering her face.

"What did you tell me?" Michael asked softly.

Y/n's eyes watered. "I told you they made me angry. That I..." She closed her eyes. "That I wanted to get them out of the way from me being with him."

"And what did you tell me just now when I asked again?" There was regret in his voice, but that was obviously from bringing up the terrible memories of the past. There was something else too. Urgency. He wanted Y/n to understand something, but it seemed to be going over her head.

"Uh... I told you it made me sad."

"Why does it make you sad, Y/n?"

She thought about that. "Because he wouldn't look at me anymore. He gets this really soft look in his eyes when he looks at me. Like I have something important to him but he trusts me with it completely. Or like he admires me or looks up to me. It makes me feel really good about myself." She chuckled sheepishly, wincing. "That's probably silly." She didn't pause before continuing, and Michael didn't try to interrupt her or respond, knowing how she got when she spoke about Spencer. "When he touches me, it's really gently, like I might break or like he's shy. I-" she snorted. "I think that's because he's a germaphobe."

That caught Michael's attention. "He's a germaphobe?"

"Yeah," Y/n sighed. "He won't even shake people's hands, and he washed them a lot when he's stressed. He rarely even accepts hugs from the others so I haven't offered, even when he was in the hospital. But that's also probably because I'm pretty sure I'm literally crazy."

"You're not crazy," Michael said first. Y/n smiled a little. It was very reminiscent of the times he had helped her out of the darkest place she'd ever been. Made her feel safe when she thought she was a walking crime scene waiting to happen. He had been her best friend for so long... why had she stopped calling him? "Y/n?" She hummed, letting him know she was listening. "He refuses handshakes and is afraid of germs and is even hesitant to take hugs from people who are practically his family from what you say, but even though you've guys only really known each other well for a little over a week, he's already willing to touch you?"

Now that he mentioned it, that was rather odd. She hadn't considered it before. "I... yeah, I guess."

The smile was back when he spoke again. "Y/n last time we talked about him, you couldn't even say his name without gripping something so hard your knuckles turned white. Now you talk about him like it's a relief to say it. Before he brought you stress and angst and wanting, but now he brings you peace and happiness and a feeling of belonging. You feel sad at the prospect of losing him in any way, rather than angry. Usually when obsessive people who stalk their targets see them with someone else, they get angry. Normal people get sad."

Y/n tried to swallow, but her mouth was too dry. Her eyes were wide with fear. A fear that was so different from but still just as bad as the thought of her fears of seeing herself being obsessed with Spencer Reid. Because if she wasn't obsessed... "What are you trying to say?" Her words begged him not to say it.

He did anyway. "Y/n, I don't think you're possessive or obsessed with him." He spoke slowly, every word filling her body with more and more dread. "I think you have feelings for him, but not bad ones. Normal ones. I think you like him, like people like each other. Like, want to date him like him."

"Oh god," Y/n whispered. "I- I'll call you later okay Michael?" He sighed and hummed, so she rushed to explain. "I swear I will. For real this time. I can't thank you for everything you've done for me but-"

"You're panicking," he realized. "I completely understand. Please don't do anything stupid, okay? These feelings are normal and perfectly okay."

"Yeah," Y/n whispered, nodding even though he couldn't see her. They exchanged a tentative farewell and then she lowered her phone, running a hand through her hair. "Well," she whispered, staring at the ground like it was about to open up and swallow her whole. "Guess it's time to quit my job."

Tag List: @ajwantsapancake @urie-bowie-mercury

#spencer reid #matthew gray gubler #criminal minds #female reader #imagine #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #matthew gray gubler x reader #matthew gray gubler imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds imagine

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hamiltalian-creates · 4 years ago

Note

Oo!! I wish you would write a fic where... (ask thingy) Logan is totally oblivious to Remus’s attempts to score a boyfriend. He thinks that remus is just being impulsive and saying random sexual stuff at him when really Remus is trying to gain the other’s attention! Also hi!!

Hi, CJ! Thanks for the idea, I’m glad we’re on the same Intrulogical brainwave lol

Words: 3,424

Warnings: Remus being Remus

Remus was weird. All of the sides and Thomas himself knew it and acknowledged it and Remus wore the word like a bad Christmas sweater, but, lately, he’d been acting weirder than Logan would’ve expected from him. For the latest example, Logan was just trying to go about his day and get some reading done in the living room when Remus sat beside him and pulled him into his lap and began speaking.

“So, Logan, how does this sound: You and me, my side of the imagination, 8 o’clock tonight, anything you want.”

Logan hummed in thought as he skimmed the page for where he’d lost the his place once Remus had jostled him. “I’m not in the mood for a hookup, but thank you for the offer.”

Remus pouted, but he wasn’t one to give up that quickly. “Alright, no sex. How about now?”

“I’m busy at the moment. I’d rather finish this book uninterrupted.”

Remus huffed and moved to get up, stopping as Logan grabbed his shoulder.

“At least move me more carefully, I am reading.”

Were it any other side, Remus would’ve just stood up and let him fall to the floor with a satisfying thump and maybe even a nice snap or crack, but this was Logan. Remus wanted to date him and Logan had to like him for that to happen. So, he carefully lifted Logan out of his lap and stood up before placing him back onto the couch, patting his head as he set him down.

Logan nodded. “Thank you.”

But that wasn’t the last of Remus’s exceptionally weird moments with Logan.

Just the next morning, as Logan was making himself a healthy, balanced breakfast of biscuits and jam, hold the biscuits, Remus strolled in and smacked Logan’s behind, an action that Logan was pretty used to by then.

“How about some hang time in the library after breakfast?” Remus asked. “You might have to wait a while for me though, I’m getting hungry from staring at an absolute snack.”

Logan looked down at his jar of jam and then back up at Remus before handing it to him. “It is quite a delicious treat. And I’ll have to pass on the library, ‘hanging’ doesn’t sound very fun.”

Okay, that one was Remus’s fault, bad choice of words. “I mean, like, hanging out,” he clarified, dipping two fingers into the jar of jam and scooping some out before eating it.

“Hanging anywhere sounds uncomfortable. Keep the jar, I have plenty more.” Logan went over to a locked cabinet and pulled the key out from his pocket, unlocking and opening the door to reveal that the entire cabinet had been filled with jars of various Crofters jams.

“That’s quite the collection there.”

Logan shrugged and selected a jar before closing and locking the cabinet again. “I keep the bare minimum, I don’t want to take up too much kitchen space.”

Remus nodded as he watched Logan leave. That nerd really was obsessed with Crofters jams... Maybe he could use that to his advantage. Remus began grinning as he had a brilliant idea.

Logan went a surprisingly short time before having another run in with Remus and his stranger than usual activities, though this one almost made him laugh. Of course, laughing would’ve been a sign that Logan actually felt that Remus’s stunt was funny and, as someone who didn’t feel, that couldn’t happen.

As Logan came out for his afternoon jar of Crofters, Remus was waiting in the kitchen, facing the counters until he heard Logan walk in.

“Hello, Nerdilocks,” Remus greeted as he turned around, showing Logan the newest addition to his usual outfit.

Logan wouldn’t have looked down at his crotch to see it were it not for the fact that it was hard to ignore the large, white writing on his black pants that read “Open here for Crofters” and the large white arrow pointing right at his, thankfully hidden, penis. He took a deep breath as he read it, trying not to let himself show even a hint of the entertainment he felt seeing that.

Remus grinned proudly as he noticed Logan’s lips twitch just the tiniest amount and looked down at his outfit’s new addition before looking back up at Logan. “What do you think?”

“I think that somebody else might find that hilarious and I appreciate your attempt at making me laugh.”

Remus bounced on his toes and inwardly cheered. “Are you taking the offer? I know you’re here for your afternoon Crofters.”

Logan shook his head and went over to his hoarding cabinet. “I’m here for a jar of the brand of jam called Crofters, I’m not currently interested in your penis, which, I assume, you have nicknamed ‘Crofters’.”

“Okay, but what if I told you that my dick is literally covered in Crofters jam right now and you have the opportunity to taste it and guess the flavor yourself?”

Logan stared at him for a few seconds, wondering if he was serious before realizing that he absolutely was. “Then I’d say that I really admire your persistence and your dedication to this series of practical jokes you’re playing on me. And... I honestly wonder what that feels like.” Logan had absolutely no intention of doing such a thing, but to say he wasn’t curious would’ve been a lie and he wasn’t Janus.

Remus swooned, Logan’s sense of curiosity being the main thing that drove his attraction to the nerd. “It’s sticky and gross, just like we could be if you say yes.”

“As much as I love Crofters, I wouldn’t particularly enjoyed being covered in it. But I appreciate the offer, I suppose that would sound like an appealing activity to you, so I’ll take that as a good thing.” He grabbed two jars from his cabinet, giving one to Remus before grabbing a spoon and leaving with his own jar.

Remus waited until he left before groaning in frustration and going to take a shower. As much as he loved the warm, wet, sticky feeling that he was getting from the jelly that was covering his dick, it reminded him all too much of how he felt on the nights when he’d wake up after dreaming about Logan.

While he was in the shower, he decided to take advantage of the thought and daydream about those situations with Logan, hoping the post nut clarity would help lead him in the right path here.

And it did!

Remus snapped his eyes open and made quick work of scrubbing himself clean before throwing on a quick outfit and dashing over to Janus’s room. He was a nerd, just like Logan, and he was smart! He’d know what to do!

Remus stormed through his door and jumped onto the bed, where he had been reading peacefully. “Janus! I need your advice!”

“And I need a day to go by where I can actually relax,” Janus grumbled as he marked his place in his book and put it down. He was annoyed by Remus’s interruption, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to help him.

“I need help asking Logan out.”

Ah, yes, Remus’s very obvious crush on Logan. For such a smart guy, Logan was so stupid when it came to realizing that Remus had a huge crush on him. Then again, most people didn’t express their affection by saying that they’d want to rip your head off and place it on their nightstand. Janus supposed that it was just years of living with Remus that made it feel obvious that that was Remus’s way of saying that he wanted to wake up to Logan’s face everyday. “Maybe try speaking a bit more his language.”

“I already tried slathering my dick in Crofters and he didn’t even want to taste and guess the flavor!”

Janus wished he wasn’t surprised by that, but Logan did have a pretty unhealthy obsession with the stuff. “That’s not what I meant. I meant try being straightforward. Tell him in very plain words that you want to go on a date with him or fuck him or whatever it is that you do.”

Remus paused for a second and sat up, a dumbstruck look on his face. After a few more seconds, he smacked his forehead, looking absolutely enlightened. “Why didn’t I think of that?!”

Janus shrugged. “You and Logan have a lot in common and one of those things is that you’re both incredibly smart and, at the same time, incredibly stupid.”

Remus nodded for a second before looking at his friend with a grin. “You think we have things in common?”

“Get out of my room and go get a boyfriend.”

“Thanks, Jay!” Remus hopped up and ran out of the room, going to work on his latest plot: properly asking Logan out.

It took him a few days to come up with a plan and, as he did, Logan grew confused. Remus had been so friendly with him, talking to him everyday and constantly touching him, that seeing Remus just kind of vanish was almost worrying, except he didn’t worry. Remus was a grown man and a figment of the imagination, it wasn’t like he could’ve gotten hurt. The more likely answer was that he’d gotten sick of Logan’s lack of response to his actions and moved on to the next side.

Now, as the logical side, he may have put up a show of not being able to feel, but, unfortunately, Thomas didn’t allow him such a luxury and he was stuck with the burden that was human emotion, figment of the imagination or otherwise. And, currently, his emotions surrounding the idea of Remus going to find another side to mess with just because he wasn’t particularly responsive were anything but positive. There was sadness, a hint of anger, and a fair amount of jealousy that he especially wouldn’t want anybody to know about. After all, Logan already got picked on for the things he liked when they were philosophy, psychology, and astronomy. Who knew how the rest of the sides would react when one of the things he liked was Remus.

Fortunately for them and unfortunately for him, it seemed pretty clear that Remus had no interest in him, at least not in that fashion. Remus was just impulsive and there was a very high probability that he was sexual and touchy with everyone, so it wasn’t like he treated Logan any differently from his rest. And this was Remus he was thinking about here, Remus of all sides, would’ve made it the most obvious if he had a crush on him, even more obvious than Roman, as insanely open and honest as Remus was. Not to mention, Remus probably wouldn’t have stopped talking to Logan if he actually liked him.

So, all that was left to do was for Logan to start on the process of forgetting about his stupid crush. It wouldn’t have worked out, anyways. Remus got bored of him as a friend after a few weeks, there was no doubt in Logan’s mind that he would’ve gotten bored of him as a partner or boyfriend even faster.

Fortunately, with all of the practice he’d had, it wasn’t hard for Logan to hide how hurt he was by Remus’s absence. He went about his day as if nothing had changed whatsoever and attempted to enjoy a peaceful day, something he wasn't particularly used to anymore.

Thankfully, it seemed like he wasn’t going to have to put up with that kind of order for very long.

A few days into getting used to Remus’s absence, Logan was grabbing a jar of Crofters for his afternoon snack, fighting the urge to grab a second for a side who wasn’t even there, when he was interrupted by said side’s voice.

“Logan!” Remus called out as he stepped into the kitchen, hiding his hands behind his back. “I’m glad to see you here, I have to talk to you.”

Logan stood up and looked back at him, his jelly collection briefly forgotten. “Remus. I haven’t really heard from you in a few days...”

Aww, he noticed. Remus beamed and nodded. “Yeah, sorry about that, but I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk to you!”

Here it was. Remus was going to say he didn’t want to hang out with him anymore. “What is it?” Logan asked warily.

Remus stepped forward and shoved a bouquet of a variety of flowers in Logan’s face. “Here! I didn’t know what kind you liked, so I brought you some of everything.”

Logan blinked a few times, surprised, before hesitantly taking the flowers.

“Don’t be so scared, there’s nothing dangerous there. Except for the thorny roses, but nothing too crazy,” he said with a shrug, smiling as Logan started analyzing the flowers.

“Thank you... These are really nice. Um... May I ask what they’re for? It’s not a holiday or my birthday or anything.”

Remus put his hands over Logan’s, glad that he’d arranged the flowers so that the few roses were in the middle, unable to stab Logan’s hands. He was too excited to not grip Logan’s hands as tight as he could. “I had a special question to ask you! Would you like to go out with me?”

“Go out?...” Logan asked slowly, putting the pieces together as he looked between his and Remus’s hands and the flowers enclosed in them and the bright blush on Remus’s face as he beamed. “You mean... Like on a romantic outing? Forgive me if I’m wrong, that’s just the context that is usually meant by the phrase ‘going out,’ at least to my knowledge. Unless you’re asking me to go out with you as in die in a fiery explosion and these are a sample of the flowers that you’ll leave to be left in my grave?” It was an unconventional use of the phrase in comparison, but it was more likely in this scenario, considering that it was Remus he was talking to.

Remus cackled and shook his head. “No, Logan, I would like to go on a romantic outing with you. If you are interested, I would like to partake in a romantic relationship with you and I’ve been trying to ask for a while now. It’s kind of my fault for forgetting how crazy literal, but oh my god, you’re really stupid literal.”

Logan laughed awkwardly and nodded. “Yeah.. That’s kind of your fault, you’re so straightforward that I can’t help but to take everything you say literally... And you’re so straightforward that I almost think you’re serious right now.”

“Uh, I am always very serious,” Remus responded, feigning offense before grinning again. “I am serious, I want to date you! You’re smart and cool and you’re curious enough to not be afraid of everything I say and I don’t like that you’re helping Thomas not be scared of me, but I love that you’re helping him not be scared of me. I really, really want to be your boyfriend and I can’t believe I didn’t think of just outright asking you like this any sooner.”

Logan liked to think he was the most composed side, but right now, he was an absolute disaster of a gay. His brain was figuratively short circuiting and he couldn’t find very many words to say, much less figure out how to put them together in coherent sentences. “You think I’m cool?...”

“Of course I do!” Remus was getting excited again, bouncing on his toes and fighting every urge to grab Logan’s stupid face and kiss him all over. “You’re so cool! You’re not scared of the weird things I say and you’re not afraid to call out the others when they’re in the wrong and I really really like hanging out with you. You’re totally cool and it’s taking every bit of restraint for me not to kiss you silly right now.”

If Logan were a more impulsive and a less composed side, he would’ve gladly invited Remus to do just that. Instead, he freed one of his hands and loosened his tie ever so slightly - he wasn’t sure when it had gotten so hard to breathe, but he was pretty sure being this flustered didn’t help, not that he’d admit it - and cleared his throat, hoping that his own brain would start working with him again. “That sounds like a very lovely proposition.”

Just as Logan had spent a while misinterpreting Remus’s romantic advances, Remus misinterpreted Logan’s acceptance as consent for what he wanted to do and grabbed his face, pulling him in for a kiss. Just like everything else that Remus did, it was passionate and chaotic, a mess of mashing lips and clicking teeth - Remus was saving using his tongue for later.

Logan wasn’t one for displays of romantic affection, especially not ones that were so public, but Remus’s passionate kiss was too hard not to get into and he found himself lost in the kiss before he could control himself, putting his previously freed hand over one of Remus’s and keeping the other wrapped around the bouquet that he was holding.

Unfortunately, just as they had a tendency to do every single time Logan showed even a sliver of vulnerability, one of the sides decided to show up right at that moment.

“Hey, Logan, would you mind if I grabbed a- Aaaahhhh!” Roman screamed as he walked in and saw his brother making out with their nerd.

Logan was too used to ignoring Roman’s every word and too into his current activities to pull away at the sound of the scream, but Remus was pretty sure that, in a more clear state of mind, Logan wouldn’t have wanted Roman to just watch them make out, especially not when it was their first makeout session, so he took every bit of his will power and pulled away from the kiss, turning back to glare at his brother.

“Fantastic timing, dipshit.”

Roman made a series of offended noises and gestured vaguely at the two of them, unsure of where exactly he went wrong in this scenario. “You’re making out with Logan in the middle of the kitchen where anyone can see! It’s not my fault that I happened to walk into our shared kitchen!”

Logan began pulling himself out of his daze, standing up straight and clearing his throat. “Roman, you’re not usually one to just walk into a room without loudly announcing yourself first.”

“You’re not usually one to just make out with anyone in the kitchen, especially not my brother!” Roman leaned against the wall and dramatically gripped his stomach. “Oh my god, I think I’m going to be sick... I have to leave!”

And just as fast as he’d arrived, Roman ran out of the kitchen, leaving the other two sides behind.

Remus sighed and turned to Logan, his usual smile making its way back onto his face. “So, we’re boyfriends now?”

Logan nodded and adjusted his glasses. ”Yes, we’re boyfriends now.” He decided against adding on the fact that their relationship was what he’d been agreeing to before, not the kissing, not wanting to let Remus think for even a second that he didn’t enjoy that amazing kiss. “And perhaps we could do more kissing later, when there aren’t any sides around to bother us?”

Remus’s eyes lit up. “Wait, will that include sex? I’ve been asking for a date, but I’ve also been asking for a lot of that.”

Yeah, Logan had noticed that much, he just preferred to be in an established relationship before going to that level. ... Wait, was asking for sex also one of Remus’s ways for asking for a relationship? That didn’t matter now, they were dating and there was no confusion about that. “Maybe after you take me on a few dates, yes.”

Remus cheered to himself and grabbed Logan’s shoulders, leaning in and kissing his forehead before letting him go. “Meet me in my side of the imagination at 8 o’clock tonight, dress according to whatever kind of activity you want to do, you’re choosing our first date.”

Logan simply nodded and watched as Remus left him alone in the kitchen, staring down at his flowers once he was out of sight. He and Remus were dating now... Sure, they could’ve been in a relationship sooner, had Logan been better at understanding the meanings behind his words, but that didn’t matter. They were dating now. And, for once, Logan couldn’t think about anything else.

23 notes · View notes

edgykinnie · 5 years ago

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Anonymous said: ( I want to be anon!! I can't do it.)I've been crying about the treatment of POC characters just yesterday, actually! I just feel like the POC characters were just there to serve the main character(s) and just died when they no longer had a purpose. Like, we have Robert who helped out with paying for ghost equipment so that Sal and the gang can further their investigations. Neil was around to provide Ash with C4 from some elusive "military" friend before being kidnapped and brutally murdered.

Then there is Maple who just got paired off with Chug for whatever reason and had a baby just for shock value when Sal murders everyone. Then she gets possessed for reasons never clarified (if it had been, I am sorry. so much boring exposition dump in this episode) and ends up also brutally murdered. Travis' only traits are being gay and angry and he dies an unnecessary death, too. And then Tala Grey who was just there for exposition dump. I have more to say but I don't want to be overwhelming

I am sorry! But Todd's treatment also makes me angry. Like, most of the things that happened in Sally Face (being able to communicate with ghosts and stuff) is because of Todd. He modified the gear boy so that we can see the events of ep 2 transpire and later makes a powerful weapon against both Red Eyes and the Endless One. Yet he gets pushed to the side so often and eventually possessed???? Again, the POC/LGBTs just aren't given a proper focus.

————————

HELLO dont feel bad for the message im really glad other people understand how im feeling! everything you said is 100% correct and i agree. the black characters in the series were NEVER their own people, and they only acted as either uninteresting side characters for minority points or tools for the white characters to use. its especially gross when you consider neil and travis both died as sacrifices to save the white characters in the series.

i had completely forgotten about robert and maple’s case - which yeah is included in this shitty treatment. but i feel like the worst of all in steve’s shit treatment of minorities is Travis. he was gay AND black which was really good because we never get those types of characters. but then you stop to think of how bad his treatment was in the series. we never got to see him get out of his abusive situation, we never got to see him actually being happy when he is one of the characters who deserved it the most.

its just disheartening for me, being a black bi dude to see black gay people always being portrayed as violent or bad or mean. and i was willing to excuse this because hey, he’s an abuse victim, maybe steve will find a way to give him a happy ending where he becomes a better person and gets friends. clearly that didnt happen LOL.

speaking of gay characters, todd is literally the least talked about character out of the main four even though he’s arguably the second most important when it comes to moving the story along. him getting possessed was really just fucked up like WHY did he have to do this. gay characters are always being hurt in media. look at statistics involving the amount of gay characters that are either hurt or killed in media.

i dont have much else to say on the matter because i feel like you’ve already put into words how i’m feeling. this story could have ended so, so much better and considering i’ve been following it for such a long time is seriously was a punch in the gut to see what happened in chapter five. i’m really tired of this trend where minorities in media are always just sacrifices or plot tools for the majority characters. im glad we could bring this up though.

also sorry for the shit formatting i’m on mobile LOL

#sally face #long post #tw

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attina-the-responsible · 8 years ago

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How to Ask Out a Boy, According to Mermaids ~*~ [Mersisters]

In which Attina needs help!

[feat. Andrina, Arista, Alana, and Ariel. Adella and Aquata in spirit. <3]

@arista-the-musical, @alana-the-badbitch, @ariel-the-rebellious

Attina BREAKING NEWS: okay well not totally sorta kinda WELL andrina knows because i told her last night but anyways anyways GUESs WHO GOT A BOY'S NUMBER LAST NIGHT for the first time E V E R

Ariel: OMG OMG WHO

Alana You're welcome

Attina yes yes, shout out to Alana for giving me the gumption where would i be without you. [kissy face emoji] Attina ANDD his name is Paul. he's superrrrr handsome and charming.

Andrina and a dad,

Alana so when are you meeting

Ariel OH HE'S THE DAD GUY

Alana wtf Alana ew

Attina okay YES he is a dad but Attina babiessss Attina they're so cute

Alana double ew

Ariel he's really nice he seems like a good dad Ariel also he gives good advice

Attina wait, ariel how do /you/ know him??

Andrina wait how does ariel know him

Arista Sorry guys I had to wrestle my phone away from Van.... but now that I'm like caught up ATTINAS GONNA BE A STEP MOM

Ariel and he knows about safe sex

Andrina wait

Attina woah what

Alana what

Ariel texting!

Alana clEARLY NOt Alana if he has kids

Attina Oh god, I didn't even /think/ about that. Attina Maybe it was an accident?

Andrina so let me get this straight, your mystery guy was texting about /safe sex/ with Ariel

Ariel well yeah but he says that he was married and they wanted babies or something i think

Andrina ????

Attina Wait. He /was/ married???

Ariel it was a long conversation!

Andrina ?????

Arista Glad I don't have to worry about pregnancy anymore~

Ariel I think? I don't remember!

Andrina Honestly, I don't even know where to start with this

Attina Do you still have the texts???

Alana l m a o

Ariel Yeah! Hold on, lemmie get em

Attina Sidenote: Arista you should still be being SAFE

Ariel Okay okay he's a bartender... scrolling...

Arista I dunno guys like maybe he tried to do the right thing and marry the lady he had the kids with because he wanted to be responsible. Attina likes responsible

Alana when you bang him, you can look deep in his eyes and know he was telling your baby sister about rubbers

Attina ALANA

Ariel He likes chocolate

Alana i am just saying

Andrina I mean, he could have told her a lot /worse/

Arista No chocolate would be a deal breaker

Attina everyone likes chocolate ariel i need to know if he was MARRIED

Andrina could've gotten his dick out

Ariel OH, NO. NOT married

Alana that is also true

Arista unless he's allergic

Ariel he clarified that very distinctly

Attina Oh thank god. Okay SEE you guys

Alana woop de doo atty not a divorcee

Ariel He also said good boys like to be asked out by girls

Attina Look, he's very sweet and I'm not going to judge him for mistakes he's made. Not a Attina: WAIT what

Alana told you

Ariel You should ask him out!

Alana you listen to him and not me Alana do it do it

Ariel Safe and consensual sex matters, uhhh

Attina I CANT ASK HIM OUTTT

Andrina I really feel like we need screenshots before we can go forward with this convo because frankly i dont know if this guy tried to hit on ariel or not based on the info i'm getting

Arista Okay, so I'm like not the most observant but that sounds like a line to Ariel... Jumping from baby to oldest kinda fast. I wonder why I didn't get a line from him. Did anyone else get a line?

Andrina: see ^^^^

Andrina THANK you arista

Ariel His kids come first

Alana maybe he's gonna go through all of is

Ariel ASK HIM OUT

Alana **ys

Ariel I'm still reading hold on

Alana GODDAMNIT

Attina oh god

Andrina SEND SCREENSHOTS

Arista If there's one thing I know its music and boy lines

Alana nails are drying

Ariel OKAY OKAY

Arista oh wait thats two

Ariel [screenshots attached]

Arista or multiple

Attina wait ariel, he didn't hit on you did he???

Alana you can count arista im bloody thrilled

Ariel He was not hitting on me!!!

Andrina OKAY EVERYONE. Focus:::::

Arista ... Arista [sad face emoji]

Ariel Oh he didn't use a condom Ariel You should use a concom

Alana yes, attina, listen to ariel Alana i can buy them for you if you're scared

Andrina wow quoting shakespeare. u think he googled that

Attina GoD Attina I don't think so, he seems like the bookish type, honestly Attina he told me to impress him with movie references

Alana ariel for the love of god how little about sex do you know

Andrina ok h o n e s t l y these seem pretty pg, i am embarrassed on behalf of ariel if anyone Andrina love you ariel

Alana ' Is sex hot bc it's sweaty?'

Attina I feel like we apparently don't talk about sex enough

Ariel Listen, I hadn't been in the water for a while! I wasn't feeling right!

Attina all that pruning go to your head?

Alana are you going to tell us about the birds and the bees

Ariel Also sex is confusing. They tell you one thing in school and then movies and t.v shows portray otherwise.

Arista Guys he must like really like Attina because like he said he says nicely no to girls he doesn't like. So like he must really like Attina or he would've said no. No pity dates nope

Andrina ^^^^

Ariel Yeah pay attention to what Arista said!

Andrina yes getting back to the point now that we've #crisisaverted

Attina I don't know I don't know maybe he was just being NICE

Ariel He IS nice!

Arista Then wouldn't that make him a liar? right guys? right? Arista because he told ARiel one thing

Ariel No no he has kids and he's nice and he gave Attina her number!!

Arista and then is just "being nice" and saying yes so

Ariel Attina ASK HIM OUT!!!

Attina Well, maybe he was just taking pity on me like lol what is there to like

Andrina b o o attina stop that

Ariel Ummm, so much????

Alana oh my god attina

Arista You is kind. You is smart. You is... I don't remember the rest of that quote of the movie I watched with you Atty but it doesn't matter because those two things are true [okay hand sign emoji]

Arista Also Vanellope says hi and that you're super cool Attina

Attina important. That's the last one THO also probably the least true of those lmao

Andrina well if vanellope says it

Arista and that I look really cute when I'm worried

Alana if you dont text him i will

Arista and that I should stop typing everything she says, no serious-- Oh right yeah

Attina boys don't care about kind or smart

Andrina dont be a misandrist, attina

Andrina kidding Andrina dont generalize men attina

Alana actually jk i dont want to deal with kids

Attina He knows you're my sister so i doubt he'd give you his number

Alana how does he know??

Arista I thought that meant she didn't like woman

Attina oh wait that might be a good idea we can test him and see if he really would just give his number to anyone

Arista women*

Attina I pointed you out the other night

Alana wow

Attina WHAT he asked about my sisters and i couldn't find andrina

Alana no i meant wow about the whole TESTING HIM Alana sometimes you just have to take a chance

Attina also arista misandry is like the opposite of misogyny, which is what you're thinking of. i know, they're very close together

Alana on loooveee

Andrina ok as much as i'd love to fake-hit on Dilf Patts, that really wouldn't prove anything because he's a free bloke right now and i'm amazing so

Alana ask arista

Attina well we cant all have super cute nerdy girlfriends we're weirdly perfect with

Alana thats why you have to TAKE A CHANCE

Arista yeah like the ABBA song should be paul's theme song playing behind him right now "TAke a chance on me"

Arista wait what

Andrina AND attina what if you ran into another cute boy tomorrow and you hit it off and you gave him his number too?? you didn't enter into a social contract that's why you have to A S K H I M O U T

Arista what are we asking me Arista I was too busy singing ABBA

Attina ARIsTA got asked out not the other way around Attina what if i push too much you know i push too much

Andrina ok new strategy

Arista I kissed her first before she asked me out tbh

Andrina you text him Andrina first Andrina you Andrina make riveting conversation Andrina you entice him Andrina into Andrina asking Andrina you Andrina out

Alana flash your tits Alana no dont do that

Andrina second date, alana

Arista whats up with your phone Andrina

Alana lol

Andrina what Andrina do Andrina you Andrina mean

Attina more like maybe six or fifth date

Alana yeah Alana what Alana do

Andrina fourth date, but we'll debate it at another time

Alana you

Arista wow maybe it's my phone

Ariel Don't flash your tits! Ew!

Attina ALSO where is ariel did she disappear? alana go see where she is Attina oh hello sis

Ariel I had to pee Ariel LISTEN

Alana ��

Attina im not flashing my tits at ANYONE

Ariel He said he likes when a girl asks him out!! Ariel So ask him out!!!! Ariel If he says no there are other of fish in the sea Ariel Some literal

Attina okay okay Attina wait

Andrina i can't believe you just made a mermaid joke Andrina yes i can

Arista yeah def ask him out, boys are more clueless than me sometimes

Ariel Well we ARE mermaids, remember?

Attina he told me to text him interesting animal facts right

Andrina no i forgot

Alana wait we are????

Ariel OH OH

Arista how could you forget Andrina you have a tail

Attina B U T

Ariel TEXT HIM MATING FACTS

Alana holy shit thats why i had a bloody tail in the bathtub Alana yes be like Alana the female praying mantis decours her mates head Alana real sexy

Arista you had a bloody tail? ew Arista also ew to the following

Ariel Did you know penguins mate for life? That'd be really cute to say

Attina no you don't understand i already told him about how starfish put their stomachs out of their bodies to eat

Andrina she shared with him that fact about starfish's digestive syst-- Andrina great minds

Alana perfect the praying mantis wont throw him off

Attina I TOLD HIM that he was kind of like a penguin

Andrina yeah he'll be like eat my head

Attina but saying they mate for life is er a little strong

Ariel SO IT'S THE PERFECT FACT

Andrina then youll be SEXTING

Alana that's sexy Alana eat my head

Ariel Don't eat his head

Attina im not going to SEXT im trying to get him to idk go to dinner

Arista nah boys don't like teeth

Ariel Oh! Oh!

Andrina facts about animals and food

Alana here's a wild idea

Andrina be like

Ariel text him about LOBSTERS!

Andrina did u know that animals, eat,

Alana "hey paul, do you want to get dinner?"

Ariel and then be like HEY SPEAKING OF LOBSTERS

Attina i can't do another sea creature that might be too obvious

Arista Oh oh oh, I like Lan's

Ariel and then ask him to go eat lobster Ariel which i might not approve of but

Attina what if i went for something totally innocent and left field like idk

Ariel or just ask him if he likes lobster! Ariel OH I KNOW

Attina a leopard only succeeds at 1 out of 7 hunting attempts lol bc then it's like me, trying to date,,

Ariel "How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!"

Alana well at this point literally ANYTHING

Ariel that's classic!

Alana thats cute ^^

Arista Very cute I like it

Attina oh that is kind of cute

Andrina all of these are GREAT options

Ariel leopards must be hungry alot :C

Attina nah their kills last for a week

Alana then its time to move on

Arista yeah no... self-decapitation? self...dep... whatever that word is with the texting and being down on yourself with the leopard

Alana yeah don't self-decapitate, atty

Andrina self-decapitation is exactly the correct word

Ariel Oh okay

Attina ugh. Attina should i go with the polar bear one then? what do i say after that?

Ariel Self-deprication, guys. Come on.

Andrina well it would depend on what he says?

Ariel Don't listen to them, Arista

Alana well it depends on what HE SAYS

Ariel yeah you gotta see what that is

Arista Self-deprication. Cool. Got it. Thanks Ariel!

Attina okay let's do a mock version just imagine he says something even /better/ and /cuter/ back

Ariel No prob Ris! Ariel CAN I PLAY PAUL Ariel I'm an actress now. I can do it.

Alana what if asks for tit pics

Ariel Alana!!

Attina he's not gonna ask me for nudes alana i think we've already established he's a /gentleman/

Arista I'm sure Andrina has some lying around

Alana 'm just saying boys can surprise you

Ariel do NOT send nudes

Andrina oh yeah totally Andrina borrow my nudes

Attina also does anyone else wanna take a shot at being paul or is ariel it?

Alana yes andrina pass along the nudes

Andrina i'm just giving them away absolutely

Ariel pfft like the brown hair won't throw him off at all

Alana well ariels the only one whos like Alana directly interacted with him

Attina okay okay go then ariel

Andrina wait i wanna go next though

Ariel okay okay so where is my cool animal punch line that your totally awesome sister gave you Ariel give me something to go off here

Attina hey how much does a polar bear weigh? Attina wait Attina should i say the whole thing what if he knows Attina what if it's too cliche

Arista then its cute if he answers

Ariel omg if he knows and says it back that would be SO CUTE

Arista you guys are like the same person Arista something to laugh about

Alana ^^

Arista cliche's are a talking point

Attina what if he thinks it's lame bc everyone uses it

Alana then you can be self-decapitating

Attina honestly? yes.

Andrina ok this is taking forever

Ariel "Enough to break the ice, I'm guessing. Nice animal fact." Ariel SEE that would be CUTE

Attina then what do i say?? thank you???

Arista wait is that a fact? Do all polar bears weigh enough to like break ice?

Ariel Self-DEPRICATING Arisa

Andrina idk use your people skills Andrina say words

Attina with global warming, probably

Ariel yeah! say thank you! Ariel and then like Ariel something witty

Attina something witty. Attina do you even KNOW ME

Andrina just do the sun emoji and the guy with the shades Andrina do that several times

Alana just do it

Arista wait what why are we yelling SElf Depreciating at me

Andrina then say that thing about global warming

Ariel "I've got a ton of them up my sleeve. But I don't give them out to just anyone."

Alana because we look so much alike, ris

Ariel make it sound like he's special!

Andrina and then you're talking about global warming what topic could be HOTTER

Arista depreciating? deprecating?

Alana this is takign too long

Arista no we don't

Ariel DEPRICATING

Alana has left the conversation.

Attina wow ariel wtf how are you better at this than me that's not fair i've been alive much longer.

Ariel I dunno

Attina has added Alana to the conversation.

Ariel I try really hard Ariel I think too hard?

Arista You're so dramatic Alana why aren't you in the play

Ariel Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice

Attina whattt what do you mean

Alana spoiler alerts u dont have to try so hard

Attina things are good with you and dash aren't you???

Alana ur all hot

Andrina this really IS taking TOO LON G THOUGH

Ariel I haven't even been kissed yet okay I'm obviously doing SOMETHING wrong

Attina thanks, alana

Alana andrina can u steal attys phone

Arista Yeah, you're waiting for him

Attina also andrina i can't text him TONIGHT it's late, he's got babies

Alana and just do it

Andrina that's a really great plan Andrina attina ignore what was just said

Attina and it's okay ariel, it'll take time!!

Ariel Yeah don't wake him he needs sleep when the babies sleep Ariel UGH but I want to kiss him already :CC

Arista Then kiss him

Attina not to be hypocritical, but, you could kiss him!!

Alana how are you supposed to shag with the kids in the next room

Arista Idk that's what I did with Van

Alana kiss him!

Attina you both like each other, right??

Andrina very quietly Andrina duh

Ariel But what if he hasn't kissed me because he doesn't want to???

Arista he's a boy

Alana thats not fun, andrina

Andrina um if you make up a game that you're spies it is

Attina maybe he's just shy

Andrina gags Andrina duct tape

Alana ball gag Alana ok i see it

Alana atty, let's go to the sex shop

Andrina NO Andrina LETS TEXT Andrina THIS

Arista Oh can I come!

Andrina BOY

Alana YES

Ariel Woah I thought she's supposed to have sex with Paul! Ariel With condoms!

Alana to both lmao Alana oh ariel

Arista I definitely need new toys

Ariel What? Ariel Oh ew!!! You're talking about like... vibrators and stuff!!!

Attina IF we have sex it will not be for a /while/ okay he's got babies im sure he doesn't want to be serious with anyone until he knows them really well

Alana mhm

Ariel I don't need these images!!!!!

Alana andrina just take her bloody phone

Andrina SHE Andrina LOCKED Andrina HER

Arista is it with the bloody tail? why is there blood?

Andrina DOOR

Attina I did. Attina HE NEEDS to SLEEP

Alana how long have you been alive ris

Andrina i'm gonna climb up your fire escape you bitch

Alana and listening to people speak

Ariel Arista there is no bloody tail okay

Attina bloody like the curse word arista, darling

Ariel Everything is fine

Arista It's different over text. Inflation and stuff

Ariel Guuuuys Andrina can steal her phone in the morning

Andrina look, if he's a sensible guy, he has the phone on silent just DO IT

Attina also andrina i think you're not listening to the whole I'LL TEXT HIM TOMORROW AT A REASONABLE TIME Attina no i need to be considerate

Ariel Be considerate!

Andrina n o

Alana inflation

Ariel He's a good Daddy!

Alana oh yes get him to be your daddy, attina

Ariel We already have a Ariel OH NO GROSS Ariel ew ew weew ewwewew !!!

Alana youre catching on, i'm so proud

Attina alana stopppp that's my future maybe person im seeing you're talking about

Ariel I did a lot of research after texting him okay

Arista Wait we're getting more siblings?

Alana yes surprise

Andrina ok so can we all just agree that you are going to text him tomorrow can you put an alarm in your phone can you promise me to do this so we n e v e r have to d o this a g a i n

Arista ohhhh you meant Daddy as like Daddy Arista gotcha

Attina yes yes you can come watch me do it if you want andrina

Ariel You guys are gross

Alana send me snapchats Alana all of us Alana the asking in action

Ariel I want screencaps! Ariel NO NUDES!!!

Alana no nudes

Attina no one is sending nudes, ariel

Ariel Good

Alana ariel's still underage

Ariel Hey!

Arista Andrina we probably are gonna do it again. There are seven of us

Attina ^^

Andrina i mean this specific first-text-to-paul situation

Alana not all of us need to be coached

Attina well hopefully there will be no need for it

Ariel Don't let your dreams be dreams!!!

Alana when sending a text to Paul

Ariel Just do it!!!

Arista yeah but some Arista idk who knows

Andrina well arista is taken so that's one down

Attina i'm sure i'll need all of you to help me choose an outfit for our date but you can come over for that

Arista yeah paul's not my type

Ariel I'm taken... I think?

Attina i'll make martinis!!!

Andrina i will happily pick out an outfit with you

Ariel Are you taken if you've only gone on one date and it ended in punch being poured on your head?

Andrina that's how my first date went totally

Attina um have you hung out since then? have you DTRed

Alana have you talked since then???

Ariel well DUH

Attina at least it's memorable??

Alana ew dont say that atty it sounds weird when old people do it

Ariel we went to school and he's visited me at rehearsal!!

Arista ^^^

Attina im not THAT OLD

Ariel also what's dtr

Arista aw he visited you

Alana define the relationship

Attina defined the relationship y'know had the "i dont want to see other people" phase

Ariel OH Ariel no we have not

Alana lmao thats when i run Alana well just ask! Alana if you wanna

Ariel but he did say he's gonna take me on a surprise date

Andrina holla

Ariel and play me a song

Attina oh see, there you go!

Andrina one of THOSE

Ariel and I asked him what I should wear and he said I should just look nice, which I always do

Alana wow

Arista You need to record the song. So I can judge

Alana ask him to play wonderwall

Ariel HIS WORDS Ariel not mine ok

Attina ooo yes secretly record the song

Andrina wow show up in sweat pants, no make up

Attina that's so SWEET

Ariel OH i LOVE wonderwall!

Andrina subvert his expectations Andrina smash the patriarchy etc etc bla bla

Arista wonderwall is so cliche

Ariel NO i have to look GOOD

Attina wonderwall is a perfectly lovely song

Ariel i'll try to record it but i also just want to be in the moment, y'know?

Andrina you can look good in sweatpants

Attina ugh yeah i guess i understand

Alana yoga pants make any ass look great

Ariel and Wonderwall is not cliche :C

Arista yeah if wanna be bored to sleep and be like every other dude with a guitar

Alana ^^

Attina i think him playing her anything is lovely and sweet and thoughtful

Arista I have high musical expectations okay

Ariel I'm going to specifically ask him to play Wonderwall now Ariel because sccrew you guys Ariel THANK YOU Attina

Alana i was 100% not serious when i said that, i need you to know, ris

Attina xoxoxo

Ariel I think I'll wear a dress

Attina wow look at us triton girls going on dates and shit

Andrina wow don't generalize us

Arista I was almost shocked Lan, thought I knew you better. I do know you better tho

Ariel Lana, would you do my makeup?

Attina OH ARIEL IDEA

Alana yessss

Attina why don't we pick out outfits on the same night!!

Ariel Omg that would be so fun!!!

Ariel and thank you Lan!!!

Ariel: 😄 😄 😄

Attina i mean obviously im getting ahead of myself paul needs to say yes first there is a like one in seven chance remember--like a leopard

Arista I think Ariel bringing her whole closet to Attina's will be kinda time consuming

Ariel I won't bring all my clothes, just some options

Attina yes but we can DRINK at my house

Andrina i'll make the drinks thats my contribution

Ariel Oooh okay!

Alana i'll bring my stuff

Ariel Then I won't be so nervous! Ariel And maybe I /will/ kiss him!

Arista you should

Alana wow

Attina you'll have to tell us all about it!!

Alana thats so pure

Ariel Just don't let me get drunk okay

Arista unless he plays wonderwall

Alana will do

Ariel Aristaaaaa

Attina especially if he plays wonderwall 😉

Ariel 😉

Alana andrina what is your verdict on wonderwall

Attina and you get cut off after a drink and a half ariel

Ariel Okay, okay!

Attina and you have to spend the night

Ariel That sounds perfect anyway

Andrina i think wonderwall in the right context is perfectly ironic

Ariel Hey question

Andrina this doesn't sound like that context

Alana good

Ariel Where the heck is Aquata???

Alana what ariel Alana idk swim camp

Ariel Is she ignoring us???

Attina probably sLEEPINg like we should all be

Ariel OH

Alana training

Ariel Did she leave for swim camp already??

Arista Oh I stole her pillow again, so she's probably angry at everyone

Ariel That makes sense

Alana idkk

Ariel Why do you keep stealing her pillows??

Arista I don't notice that I do it. I just talk to her and the pillow ends up in my room. Idk she has so many idk why she misses one

Attina she's been doing that since they were little

Ariel I think that's like called something

Andrina also why would she be angry at all of us for your crimes

Ariel ummm

Arista because it found its way into Alana's room?

Attina yeah andrina and i dont even live there pfft

Alana she's just training or something idk Alana let her live her life

Attina well that /does/ means she's sleeping bc she actually wakes up at a decent time

Attina like i've got to. i've got /work/ tomorrow

Alana lol true

Andrina noon is a perfectly decent time

Attina unlike most of us

Andrina i have work

Attina is that when i should text paul then? noon?

Andrina do i have work Andrina hey attina,,,

Ariel Hey! I'm a student!

Alana yes

Arista Hey! I work. My gigs are just at night

Ariel This is my break time!

Alana i make money by batting my eyelashes

Attina that was mostly a shot at andrina xo

Andrina seriously do i have work Andrina am i working Andrina when am i working

Attina come in at noon

Ariel Wouldn't you know if you were?

Andrina so you can text paul

Attina yes.

Andrina got it Andrina look ariel, let ME live MY life

Attina don't forget or i wont' do it

Ariel I am! Ariel I'm just SAYING

Andrina that's putting a lot of pressure on me

Ariel Although I did almost miss rehearsal the other day, so I can't blame you for not knowing...

Alana wow

Attina yup my future happiness rests in your hands, dear sister

Arista dsakj

Attina ariel! how do you miss being /juliet/

Alana dont fuck up andrina

Andrina where have i heard that before lmao

Ariel I was distracted!!!

Alana by dashy poo?

Attina omg dashy poo

Ariel ew don't call him that that's gross Ariel his name is DASH

Arista Dashy-kins

Ariel and NO Ariel not that either guysss stoooop

Arista Dashanova

Attina sidenote: what kind of name is dash? i know his brother and his name is jack jack which im assuming is just a nickname for jack but dash????

Ariel He could be like THE ONE I don't want to be thinking of him as Dashy-poo ew

Andrina what kind of name is andrina

Alana man if i ever get a boyfriend ever im gonna give him the wORst nickname

Andrina there are some questions we'lll never answer

Ariel I think his full name is Dashiell! Ariel or something

Alana like the guy who wrote the maltese falcon?

Attina oh, that makes more sense

Ariel I'm not sure though

Attina well i don't know where you pulled that name from otherwise lolol

Arista why would someone write about a dog-bird

Ariel Did I show you guys all the snowglobe he got me???

Arista wait here's a dog-bird???

Alana its edgy, ris

Arista: there's**

Andrina don't crush someone's artistic vision

Attina he got you a snowglobe!! that's so cute!!!

Ariel [sends picture of snowglobe]

Ariel It plays music!

Alana cute

Arista does it bark or screech?

Attina awww that's perfect for you ariel

Ariel It's how he asked me to prom

Alana depends on its mood

Ariel He's like, the sweetest

Alana wow

Ariel AND HE HAS SUPER SPEED

Attina ohhhhh i think i remember you telling me that now

Ariel ISN'T THAT SO COOL

Andrina super,

Attina he's a magick then?

Alana double wow

Arista Not always the best in certain situations

Alana maybe he wont freak out with the tail thing

Ariel Yeah!

Ariel Um... maybe

Attina you're NOT telling him abotu the tail thing

Arista idk that might hurt, like being with a jackhammer

Ariel But yeah and he even saved someone once with it!

Alana but attina what if theyre in loooveee

Andrina like Andrina being Andrina with Andrina a jackhammer

Attina it's too much of a risk

Alana omfg

Arista your phone is doing the thing again Andrina

Attina that's for when you're /married/ and fully committed

Alana maybe he can vibrate his body really fast

Ariel Andrina stop!

Alana and concentrate that

Andrina wow Andrina im Andrina not

Ariel I'm not going to tell him

Andrina doing Andrina anything

Arista Wow idk then weird

Attina i know, ariel. it just--stresses me out when people JOKE ABOUT IT

Alana what if someone dumps you after

Ariel I wish I didn't have a secret TO keep from him

Alana and youve already PROFESSED your love

Attina that's why i said it's for /marriage/

Alana and theyre like wow u lied Alana this whole time Alana lmao

Attina well anyone who really loves you will understand

Arista so you wanna be trapped with someone who would dump u over a tail?

Andrina i feel like it goes first date, flash tits, mermaid secret exposed

Attina it's not like it's dangerous

Alana exactly

Attina exactly, arista. it's for our SAFETY

Alana to andy not atty

Ariel Daddy thinks it is

Attina all of ours

Alana well thats why you donT MARRY SOMEONE BEFORE THEY KNOW

Ariel But what does he know? He's just an angry old man

Alana tahts why im not getting married

Attina i mean, being a mermaid is dangerous. to us. not to anyone else. Attina we're not werewolves or vampires. but if people know they'll--you know.

Andrina bang bang

Ariel When I get married, it's going to be with someone that knows and loves me and won't make anyone keep any secrets, especially not our children.

Alana i mean some people still dont like fairies and sorcerers Alana lots of people also don't like lies

Attina thank you andrina. for putting it so eloquently.

Ariel But how do you know when to tel someone? That is like... ??????

Andrina what im here for boss

Alana idk like i said not my plan Alana im just messing with everyone

Andrina same i'm gonna marry like, a shark

Attina i know, ariel, it's hard, but--well, talk to us. talk to daddy.

Ariel If you wait too long they get MAD and then if you don't wait long enough they might not Ariel NO Ariel We will NOT talk to Daddy

Andrina or an eel Andrina or a jellyfish

Alana im gonna marry an octopus

Andrina maybe an eel-jellyfish hybrid

Attina once you've been dating someone for a while, daddy will come around

Andrina wow that's a good one thing of all the tentacles

Attina he knows we cant keep it a secret forever

Alana exactly

Ariel Pfft, suuuure he will

Attina he will. i know he will. he's just trying to keep us all safe.

Ariel Whatever

Alana shouldnt you be sleeping attina Alana big day tomorrow Alana texting a boy

Andrina ^^^

Attina yes yes true

Attina good night, love you!

Ariel good night! love you too!!

Arista nighty night

Andrina night losers

Alana ^^

#bdrparista #bdrpalana #coral #attista #atlanta #1+2 #1+4 #1+6 #1+2+4+6+7 #texts #coral texts #attista texts #atlanta texts #how to ask out a guy according to mermaids #wow tagging this was a BITCH #ariel archive

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copperpearl · 8 years ago

Note

You used to be anti "A Long Way from Home". What happened to change that?

The extended explanation, which I strongly encourage everyone to read(YES, EVEN IF YOU’RE DEFINITELY NEVER READING THE FIC), but scroll to the bottom bolded part if you must:

First, it’s important to understand my initial introduction to the fic and why my reaction was so severe: Someone who will not be named, who I am no longer in contact with, recommended it to me. This was knowing I deeply identified with Pearl, knowing I was an assault victim, and knowing that I was using jaspearl with Pearl being a survivor to help cope with that. I wasn’t warned about the contents, just told that it was a good jaspearl story, and given the illustrated version to read.

Being easily triggered by graphic images, this did not end well. Without knowing anything else about the story, and the initial assault scene very nicely mirroring my own experiences, AND it involving the rape of a character I identified with by a character I was shipping her with to heal that pain, I was, as you said, VERY against the fic. I was under the immediate impression that it was rape-as-entertainment porn. I got nauseous every time I saw the title, or even mention of the author’s name. NONE of this is her fault, and it’s important to remember that. I know a lot of people say things about her, and they really aren’t fair, because I know for a fact that reactions such as mine are not something she wishes on anyone, because she’s said just that to me. I’m only mentioning them again to show how significant and sincere the rest of the story is.

I was(and still am!) in a discord chat centered on an SU character, one of the first people who were in it, and I became a regular voice in it. Around mid/late October, Butts got added to it. I immediately got upset and worried, and I went to the creator of the discord chat for help. I knew it was rude of me to be so upset, since she seemed nice and others were excited about her being there. I had the idea to try and talk to her. Maybe knowing why she wrote what she did, and what the purpose of it was, and an affirmation that it wasn’t “rape is hawt lol” junk, would help stop my irrational fear of her. But since I wasn’t sure what she was like or how the rest of the VERY long fic outside of that first chapter progressed(plus a few snippets of the early chapters that were also sent to me to mess me up), I was way too nervous to do that. Thankfully, the chat mod had read it, and assured me that it was all about survival and subversion, and NOT what I had been led to believe it was. Still something I was sure I’d never want to read, but I still wanted to talk to her.

And I am very, VERY glad I did. She immediately apologized. Yes, apologized for the fact that someone else made their own choice to use her content to hurt me. After a bit of conversation she said this, which I’m putting copied from that convo since I couldn’t say it better myself(with her permission):

“ No, it makes sense. I understand coming into it and not expecting it must have been jarring. The first 6-7 chapters have some very difficult, hard-to-swallow content. There are themes there that point out and enunciate every ugly, demeaning trope that we have become normalized to. And it’s on purpose. Because I wanted to explore the characters in the context of a society that condones that behavior. I want Homeworld’s culture and flaws to reflect ours in an acute, unmistakable way. Building up these issues and the society that breeds them in the first ~7 Chapters or so is only for the explicit purpose of later tearing it down from the inside out. I wanted to show Jasper unravel herself from the Homeworld mindset and I wanted Pearl to come into her own through the experience as well. I’m currently in Act II of a three-act fic, so it’s quite a long game I’m playing. And yes, it’s not always pretty. It’s a hard fic to read and stomach for some. I won’t deny that. But it’s the fic I needed to write for myself as an artist and a creator to deconstruct some of these themes.I apologize–I know hearing about it might upset you. But I also hope it will help explain some of the choices made from my perspective. Know not every fic I write as those themes. But when I do write about them, I write them for a purpose.I’ll be honest, it can be a little upsetting that there are a lot of conclusions draw about me and my writing before I’ve finished it. I’ve had people call it “that fancy rape fic” and other such things that really make me uncomfortable. Yes, there is non-con in the fic, but that’s not what it’s ABOUT. Not to me.”

There was much more to our conversation, but that’s the bit that helped take away the majority of my fears. And even after accepting and thanking her for her explanation, she not only told me to let her know if she ever did anything else to make me uncomfortable, but offered right there to excuse herself from the server if I felt her presence would be too much for me. That wasn’t something she had to do. She could have just given her explanation and left it at that, and I wouldn’t have blamed her for doing so! But she still offered. I declined, and we’re still both in the server.

It would have ended there, except for two things:

1. A friend of mine who also didn’t want to read the fic or hear about any of the darker parts, but did think Butts had a lovely art style, mentioned looking at the later chapters for the pretty art.

2. I was still getting much milder but still irritating reactions when I came across mentions of the fic or looked in the art tag of tumblrs that reblogged some of the earlier art and stumbled across it. Not to mention, tumblr savior and blacklist are just plain shitty sometimes, and people also just don’t feel like tagging their reblogs either.

Because of that, I decided maybe some mild exposure therapy would help, on my own terms. If I looked just at the later chapter art, and saw the pretty things my friend liked, which I knew wouldn’t be triggering because she was avoiding the fic itself for similar reasons, maybe I’d be able to associate content and talk about it with things that weren’t immediately disturbing.

And of course, I made the mistake of not asking to clarify WHICH chapter art that friend thought was pretty, or going to Butts herself or any other fans for direction to which illustrations would be safe for me to view. So I looked a liiiittle too early, and saw things like Pearl in her cell/the nursery Pearl(”Hello”) next to her, and the three Pearls in the brothel. These weren’t enough to be triggering or that upsetting, but I didn’t like them at first and was annoyed that this time I didn’t take the right precautions to avoid them.

But I’m glad I messed up, because it got me intrigued. From those pictures(and some others) plus snippets of sentences I caught while scrolling, I got the feeling this wasn’t just a fic that subverted awful tropes and handled the idea of a society that has no concept of sexual assault well. It was one which also had themes and worldbuilding elements around that main concept that I, specifically, would enjoy and appreciate. Remember, I’m currently working on two projects involving Pearls that are sexually abused and either healing from or fighting to escape said abuse, though all of the assault happens off-screen. Take all the written/drawn instances of it out, and replace Jasper with an OC since I don’t like thinking of canon characters as assailants, and you have something I might write myself!

I thought, ok, what if I try reading part of the fic? I remembered that Butts had said it was the earlier chapters that had all of the especially hard to swallow things before the subversion and tearing down of tropes started. It wasn’t a guarantee, but if the world she’d made was as captivating as I thought it might be, that could help with my lingering issues. With the few snippets I saw, I really, REALLY wanted to try. After some debate, I decided to go to Butts for advice on where I should start. She was the person with the most information on how badly the earlier versions had triggered me + an extra intimate knowledge of where certain themes were.

And hoooly shit am I glad I went to her. I explained that I’d seen snippets of middle/later chapters, both from being linked to earlier/middle stuff and from looking at middle/later stuff myself. I wanted to try reading the fic, just for the exploration into the Homeworld she created. I had a lot of questions. I wanted to know if it was possible to read from a later point, and if she would be ok with just telling me important plot bits of the earlier chapters, and if she would be ok with me asking questions while I read if I was confused about anything.

She did that, and WAY more. This wasn’t long ago, just over a week; looking at our convo shows my questions about reading started on the 9th. We talked for hours about the things I was intrigued by, the concerns I had, and what scenes exactly would be hard or impossible for me to read. We literally talked for HOURS about the themes she had, what her intentions were with them, worldbuilding stuff that other fans had never asked but I was curious about, seeing if I was understanding the mindset of the characters properly, etc. I even spoke a lot about the similarities/differences between her headcanon for Gem reproduction and mine, and a lot of my own original ideas in general.

She suggested I start at a specific point in chapter 7, gave me a phrase to ctrl + f to start from, and EXPLICITLY warned me of some future things that may have been upsetting, since she wasn’t sure what other things I was triggered by. This resulted in, from mid-chapter 7 to chapter 13, over several days, my reading what I could in short bursts and stopping both when I needed a break and when I was confused/had questions.

And Butts happily and enthusiastically answered every. Single. One.She was very attentive to my concerns, and even gave me a spoiler for something I was very worried about and said I would have to mentally prepare myself if handled a certain way(No, I’m not saying what it was or whether it’ll be handled that certain way or not, don’t bug her about it either, it was a personal issue for me). My questions even prompted the idea of a chapter-by-chapter reading guide for those who like me would enjoy the plot but needed to be careful about certain scenes! No guarantee on that, just bringing it up as that is the kind of genuine concern and thoughtfulness Butts has about these things.

It got to the point where I was pausing in my reading not because I had to or I was confused, but because the way something was being handled or something a character did had me very excited due to how WELL it was done, and I just had to fangirl over it to her directly. I even did a “liveblog” to her of my reading the latest chapter(14) via private messaging, again because I was just so damn excited(hence my partial analysis of the chapter). There are still rough themes, still things I have trouble reading, but now it’s all done with the knowledge that the author truly understands the gravity of these things, and how serious they are, and how delicately they ought to be handled.

That said, it’s still a very dark, very heavy fic. A lot of people won’t like it, and just plain won’t be able to read any of it. That’s fine! But I want to assure everyone that no, Butts does not write rape as entertainment. She doesn’t treat sexual assault lightly. She doesn’t want anyone to be hurt by her writing, and knows the importance of taking harmful tropes associated with assault and tearing them down. And, in the eyes of someone who once had full-blown panic attacks at just the words “A Long Way From Home”, she’s doing it EXTREMELY well.

In short: Yes, by no fault of the author, ALWFH once hurt me terribly, due in part to the noncon elements and how they are at first portrayed. Now, after just a week of careful guidance from Butts, those same exact elements are helping me to heal.

#angie babbles #a long way from home #Anonymous #alwfh

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