#giving out castles like roses in the first episode of the bachelor

[liaragaming]

[bloggingwithfrenchie]

Frenchie’s Bachelor Recap: Week 5

The episode begins with the latest installment in the Corinne and Taylor show, because the producers know Taylor is going home this week and they’re trying to milk this for ALL it’s worth before that. I imagine the other women are off camera somewhere taking shots every time one of these drunk 23 year-olds says the word “mature”. The argument is intercut with clips of Corinne violently swishing around a flute of champagne like some kind of drunk socialite in the midst of her talking head. She’s so ridiculous, I love it.

After the fight, Corinne immediately goes to Nick to tell him what happened, showcasing behavior similar to that of a 7 year-old who just fought with a sibling. Nick, bastion of maturity that he is, listens for about 30 seconds before tuning her out and just staring at her boobs instead. At one point he actually says “that’s really mature of you” before sticking his tongue in Corinne’s mouth. These two deserve each other, honestly.

At the rose ceremony, Astrid and Sarah get sent home. Not really surprised about Astrid, but Sarah was cute. Whitney is still there despite not having spoken a word to anyone since arriving on the show, as is Josephine who at this point I think is just there for the free booze. I’m waiting for her to trip out on Xanax and start talking to a plant or something, a la Ashley S.

Their next stop is New Orleans, which seems like a good place to exploit local cultural traditions for ratings. The first date is a one-on-one with Rachel, who is so hot and chill and wayyy too good for Nick, although they do seem to have a real thing going. They participate in a second line parade in which Rachel demonstrates some pretty sweet dance moves and Nick awkwardly bobs behind her and tries not to get a boner. The other women spot them from the window of their hotel room and take turns crying between sips of wine.

Nick describes his chemistry with Rachel as “the most of explosive of all the women on the show”, which feels like something he’s probably said about every woman he’s ever met. What vibe does Nick give off in person that makes women want to sleep with him? He has the diction and sex drive of a 15 year-old discovering porn for the first time.

The group date is next, and the only people left off are Rachel and – surprise! – Corinne and Taylor, which means they will be going on a 2-on-1 date later in the episode. I wonder if the producers were involved in making this decision at all?

For the group date, they spend the night in a haunted mansion. It is apparently haunted by a little girl who has lost her doll, which is fitting for a group of people who have lost their dignity. Fortunately for the group, Raven is there and is able to enlist the help of Jesus Christ himself in keeping the ghosts at bay. I mostly am just curious about how the spirits reacted to the presence of a full camera crew in their home.  

In the midst of being stalked by a child ghost and screaming whenever the lights flicker, Nick finds time to have some really deep and meaningful conversations with the women. He and Danielle L keep up their streak of smiling and saying “yeah” to each other in lieu of talking about actual topics. He also chats with Danielle M, although they mostly just scratch each other’s arms in what seems like some sort of weird mating ritual. Meanwhile, Raven very casually reveals the moment she “fell in love” with Nick – I actually missed what she said but I did not miss that it’s approximately day 15 and she needs to chill.

Nick ends up giving the group date rose to Danielle M, which is a bold move considering Raven’s history with assaulting men who scorn her. I sort of feel like whenever Nick gives the rose to one of the Danielles, he just picks a random initial to tack on to the end and then hopes for the best.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Taylor and Corinne are preparing for the sudden death match that will be there 2-on-1 date. Predictably, Taylor can be found meditating in a sports bra surrounded by a bunch of candles like the pretentious asshole she is. Corinne, on the other hand, puts on a fluffy robe and orders $500 worth of room service, probably because they didn’t have cheese pasta and cucumber slices on the menu. But who am I kidding, I would 1000% be Corinne in this situation.

The 2-on-1 date begins, and it turns out they are going to the bayou for a fun day of alligator sightings and eating in the middle of a swamp. They also participate in some sort of voodoo ritual that undoubtedly obliterates everything that is sacred about voodoo traditions. In her one-on-one with Nick, Corinne plays the “Taylor bullied me” card while probably giving him a hand job off camera. Taylor tries to stand up for herself but it’s a lost cause – Nick and his penis are more interested in bouncy castles than psychotherapy.

Not surprisingly, Corinne gets the rose and she and Nick cruise off into the sunset while Taylor is left behind to wander the swampland and probably be eaten by alligators. Corinne manages to hold herself back from squealing with glee at having defeated her arch nemesis Taylor, but judging by the look on her face while she’s on the boat, it’s a near thing. Make America Corinne again.

Taylor finds her way back to the voodoo ceremony, which evidently has been going on this whole time, and is imbued with the determination to go find Nick and try to win him back from Corinne (or maybe she just wants to get back to dry land and take a shower). Good luck girl – unless you pick up a boob job and a sex addiction on the way, I think you’re gonna take the L on this one.

[movietvtechgeeks]

Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/bachelor-2105-nick-viall-goes-home-raven-win-corinne-annoys/

'The Bachelor' 2105 Nick Viall goes home (Raven win?) while Corinne annoys

This week on The Bachelor, the bachelor mansion’s eventful pool party unravels, as contestant Corrine continues to alienate herself from the other women. In addition, Nick goes on his 3rd round of dates.

The episode kicks off right where we left off last Monday. The women are all notably frustrated and put-off by Corrine’s bold actions, as she has repeatedly gone out of her way to seemingly steal Nick from everyone else. With Corrine upstairs taking another nap, the other ladies rant about how annoyed they are with her, as well as Nick’s recent behavior. Subsequently, Vanessa decides to confront Nick about the whole situation. She asks him if he is simply looking for someone to “f*** around with,” as that seems to be what he is doing with Corrine. However, Nick assures Vanessa that he is truly looking for love and advises her to be patient. Meanwhile, Taylor and Sarah go upstairs to talk to Corrine. Sarah tells Corrine that all of the other girls in the house feel like she has been very disrespectful towards them. She also advises her to stop acting so privileged and entitled. Unfortunately, Corrine brushes off Taylor and Sarah’s candid criticism and simply chalks it up to her not being everyone’s “cup of tea.”

Next, host Chris Harrison walks into the party and tells Nick, as well as the remaining women, that it is time for the rose ceremony. Right off the bat, Nick gives a rose to: Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Alexis, Astrid, Danielle, Jaimi Josephine, Sarah and Corrine. Thus, Nick sends both Brittany and Christen home.

The morning after the rose ceremony, the ladies wake up to a pleasant surprise. Chris Harrison strolls into the mansion and informs them that they will all be flying out to Waukesha, Nick’s hometown, to enjoy their next round of dates.

Before meeting with the women in his hometown, Nick meets his parents at a local coffee shop. Here, he confesses that he has already formed some strong connections with a few of the women. He goes on to tell his parents that he is “ready to commit.” Playfully, Nick’s dad tells him that he hopes things work out this time around, as he doesn’t want to see Nick on The Bachelor again.

The first date in Waukesha is a 1-on-1. This week, Nick chooses Danielle L. to join him on a private tour of his hometown. During their date, Nick shows Danielle some of his favorite childhood hangouts. The duo stops at a local bakery where they get the chance to make their own cookies. Conveniently, Nick and Danielle also run into one of Nick’s ex’s, who gives Danielle some insight on what dating Nick was like for her.

During the evening portion of their date, Nick and Danielle enjoy a romantic dinner. Here, Danielle opens up about her parents’ divorce, as well as her past relationships. Admiring her honesty and vulnerability, Nick ends up giving Danielle the date rose.

The next day Nick invites 13 women to join him on this week’s group date. Contestants Alexis, Astrid, Corinne, Danielle M., Jaimi, Jasmine, Josephine, Kristina, Rachel, Sarah, Taylor, Vanessa and Whitney accompany Nick to a Waukesha dairy farm. In line with previous Bachelor farm dates, the women are tasked with giving cow-milking a shot, as well as scooping some of the farm animals’ manure. While most of the women were evidently not in their element, Corrine was especially not impressed with the day’s activities. In confessional, Corrine deemed it the “worst” date she has ever been on.

After pathetically trying to do some farm work, the ladies sit down and enjoy some drinks with the bachelor. While Nick goes off to have some 1-on-1-time with Kristina, the other girls decide to further interrogate Corrine. They ask Corrine if she is truly ready for marriage, as they all feel that her actions have said otherwise. Corrine tries to ignore and evade their prying, telling the other ladies to simply “move on.” Next, Vanessa bashes Corrine for missing not only the rose ceremony (last week’s), but most of the pool party as well. After returning, Kristina joins in on the Corrine-bashing and proceeds to question whether she’s truly mature enough to handle future situations in the house. This prompts Corrine to storm off, as she doesn’t want to deal with all of the other women ganging up on her.

A few minutes later, Corrine finally has her chance to sit down with Nick privately. During their brief chat, Corrine (inaccurately) assures Nick that her relationship with the other women is in a much better place. She tells the bachelor that there “won’t be any more issues” moving forward, despite the fact that she had just stormed out of a semi-feud with the other contestants.

At the end of the group date, Nick presents the group date rose to Kristina.

Instead of a second group date this week, Nick invites Raven on 1-on-1. Together, the couple goes to Nick’s little sister Bella’s soccer game. Here, Raven got the opportunity to meet and talk with Nick’s parents for the first time. After the game, Nick and Raven, as well as Bella, go roller-skating.

After their soccer/skating date, Nick and Raven enjoy a romantic dinner together. During this portion of the date, Raven opens up about how she caught her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. Boldly, she even tells the bachelor that she had used the other woman’s stilettos to hit her boyfriend when she walked in on him cheating. Fortunately for Raven, her stiletto story didn’t scare Nick, as he subsequently gives her the date rose. In confessional, Raven claims that her date with Nick was the best date she has ever been on and she further notes that she thinks she is “falling in love” with him.

To end off the episode, the ladies gather at the mansion in anticipation of the next rose ceremony. Here, drama between Corrine and the other women surface once again – especially between her and Taylor. Just before the episode ends, Corrine goes off on Taylor, calling her an “idiot.”

Evidently, there will be plenty more fireworks when The Bachelor returns next week.

You can catch more of The Bachelor next Monday, January 30th on ABC.

Corinne caused some waves when people noticed her wearing a large engagement ring on Instagram, but that turned out only to be her friends. Naturally, she knew the uproar she would cause, and her smile in the shot definitely looks that way too.

https://twitter.com/VanessaGrimaldi/status/822952787399077889

The other big rumor that keeps popping up is that Nick Viall final two ladies will be Raven Gates and Vanessa Grimaldi. The other big one is that Nick is engaged to Vanessa, the special education teacher from Montreal, Canada. I have serious doubts on that mainly because her social media seems to say otherwise.

Vanessa has been very busy hanging out with her girls that got rejected by Nick on The Bachelor. Yes, I know, contestants post shots on Instagram Snapchat and Twitter, but Vanessa seems to be more like a single lady doing this, in my humble opinion.

However, Raven is a whole other story. She’s been super quiet on her social media accounts leading me to wonder if it’s because she and Nick have been holing up in the homes they’re given while the show is airing.

That’s just my opinion on the matter as this season feels like it’s been a pretty easy one to predict. Now for Nick Viall’s thoughts on Corinne, who’s become the fun villain of this season’s Bachelor.

Nick Viall Talks On Corinne and His Hometown Visit

Hey guys, so we’re back this week and coming off a pretty honest conversation with Vanessa. The pool party had been going great, but clearly took a turn when the women saw Corinne and me in the bounce castle.

It is disappointing to hear so many of the women question Corinne. I’ve been in Corinne’s shoes before so maybe that is why I’m more sensitive to it. I’ve said it before, but Corinne is always putting us first … and just because she’s not always thinking about the other women, doesn’t necessarily make her a bad person. However, I am dating these women and I respect the fact that some of them felt uncomfortable for seeing Corinne and me more intimate in the bounce castle than they would have liked. I would never have intentionally put that in the women’s faces like that. I thought it was a more private moment, and I do regret the effect it had.

Moving forward, I became a lot more sensitive to that, I wanted to make sure that the women knew I understood where they came from. I appreciated Vanessa for taking me aside and speaking her mind and bringing up her concerns. But at the end of the day, I need to be able to make my own decisions on what I feel is right for me — and that meant not sending Corinne home. I still felt a strong connection with Corinne and I wasn’t going to let the women’s personal relationships skew my relationship with her.

Hometown Visit TIME FOR A CHANGE! Am I right?!

I know how the first few weeks in the mansion can feel like a hundred years. With tensions running high, it was perfect timing to start traveling. We were all packed up and ready to head south for our first destination. But the day before we traveled, Hurricane Matthew came in and we had 24 hours to reroute. I couldn’t think of a better plan B than to head to my hometown of Waukesha, Wisconsin.

I was thrilled to share my roots with the women. It’s been over 10 years since I’ve lived in Wisconsin, but it’ll always feel like home to me. The leaves had just started turning colors and it was the perfect time in fall to visit. It was important to me that the women experienced Wisconsin in the best way possible, so I made sure that they had a house off of one of the lakes. Growing up, some of my best memories are visiting my grandparents who had a house on a lake not too far from Waukesha. It’s the best way to enjoy the natural beauty of my home state … well that and a cheese hat. Which, only those of you who watched Andi’s season will remember, I refused to copy this time around! NO MORE CHEESE HAT!

It was wonderful to catch my parents up to speed on how this whole journey had been going up until this point. My family has always been my biggest support. It was really touching to see my mom get emotional, and I think we all saw me choke up a little too. I know she just wants the best for me, and hopes that I find that lasting love. My parents are the biggest role models in my life, and if I find a woman that I can have a love like they have for one another, I’d be the luckiest man in the world.

Danielle L. It was so surreal to see the women run up to me in my hometown. If only my high school self could have seen this coming, he would never have believed it. He would also be making fun of how tight men’s pants are these days, but whatever, I used to frost my hair. I think we all gain a bit of perspective with age. With the excitement of being back in Waukesha, I wanted to kick off the first date of the week right away. Danielle L. was someone who over the past few weeks I had felt a stronger and stronger connection with. I was looking forward to getting to know her better and continue that growing relationship.

Walking around Waukesha was super fun with Danielle. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it was special to share stories about each other’s hometowns and pop in and out of the old spots. When we came across the bakery, I was dying! I mean on one hand it was awesome, I mean there is a cookie with my face on it. But on the other, I was embarrassed to be a one-man cookie. I couldn’t leave Danielle out of the equation, so it was awesome that they let us go in the back and design our own cookies. Talk about a small town hook-up perk — once you’re a local, you’re always a local.

Running into Amber was totally crazy, but then again, Waukesha is a pretty small town. So, it is only a matter of time before you run into exes, I suppose. We had always had a really good friendship after our split, so it was actually a really great surprise. I just hope Danielle didn’t feel totally awkward, but she was ready with questions! That’s what I like so much about Danielle, she just rolls with the punches in confidence and style.

After spending such an amazing day with Danielle and sharing so much about my past, I was eager to hear more about her. When Danielle opened up about her family and her parents’ divorce, it really struck a chord with me. It came as a shock to her and I know that must have been confusing for her at such a young age. Sitting with her that evening, I knew we wanted the same things, that when we find that person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, we want it to be a lasting love. I think in a way we both use our parents as an example of how we want our future to be.

Danielle really moved me on this date, the whole day had brought me back to thinking about my entire journey. Being in my hometown, thinking about first kisses, dates to dances and teenage breakups. It felt really good to be with a woman I could see such an amazing future with, who also made everything in my past make sense, because I was sitting with her. Ending our night with the Chris Lane concert was just the final touch to what was already an amazing day. The energy from the crowd was electric and made me proud to be from Milwaukee.

Group Farm Date Now, I might be from Wisconsin, but I’m hardly what you call farm savvy. I will say, I love the outdoors and I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. Wisconsin is all about their dairy farms, and today I wanted to see who would milk the situation and who would have a cow.

With Corrine on the group date, I was worried there could be some tension lingering with the other girls, but I didn’t want to focus on that. I just wanted everyone to enjoy the date. But in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but think this day could turn into an udder failure. For a date full of shoveling cow poop these ladies rocked it. I mean Josephine wore WHITE JEANS to the farm, and I’m pretty sure she was the first to dive in. I was crazy impressed to see the women boot-up and get their hands dirty. Having Jaimi school me on milking the cow was also hilarious. I know it looks like I was only trying for a few seconds, but in reality I had been trying to milk the cow for what felt like an eternity. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

One of the funniest moments of the day that you didn’t see was a little something we called, the cheese roll. Picture this: All of us on top of the hill with farmer Charlie holding a wheel of cheese. Charlie tossed the cheese down the hill, and the second the cheese was tossed, it was a race to the cheese. I mean, I’ve never seen girls move faster in my life. Kristina made it to the cheese first and the other girls victoriously cheered around her. It was seriously the funniest and weirdest moment of the day and Kristina continued to snack on the cheese for the rest of the date.

Kristina Heading into the evening, I was looking forward to cleaning up and trading in the milk for a cocktail. But really,  I was looking forward to seeing how the women enjoyed the day and continue to grow my relationships. I was so blown away by the book that Vanessa gave me. It was clear that her students and coworkers care so much for her, this gesture was very sweet. Flipping through the book, there were photos from school, events, and they even added family stuff too. It gave me such an inside view into her life, and I appreciated it so much.

Kristina is a woman I’ve been intrigued by from the start of this journey. The first night we met, we never actually spoke after our introduction. But she lit up during the group date that week and I felt an immediate spark. There is a quiet confidence that Kristina possesses. When I’m around her, I feel like our connection is authentic and exciting. I walked away from our conversation knowing I needed more time to hear about her life, especially what she specifically wanted to share. I wanted to make sure Kristina knew how serious I was about our potential and so that is why I wanted to give her the rose. I walked away from that evening feeling really great about what was starting to blossom between us.

Raven My date with Raven was something I was looking forward to all week. I felt like this date was the closest thing to what a real weekend with my future wife could be like. I was a little nervous introducing Bella and my parents to Raven. I knew that my family would absolutely love Raven and embrace her with open arms. I was nervous about Raven feeling like I put the pressure on her and that there would be a chance that she would get into her head. But all of that was melted away the second we hit the field. Raven not only jumped into the action with the girls on the team, but she couldn’t have been more of her charming and amazing self with my entire family. I mean, she asked about spanking!

Skating was by far a highlight for me. I must admit, I couldn’t wait to impress Raven with my skills. Not many people know this, well if you watched the episode you do now, but I am a grade-A roller skater. I might be bold enough to say, I am like the Michelle Kwan of wheels. With Raven by my side and skating to “Kiss Me,” it could not have been a more perfect ending to a day.

When Raven opened up about her last relationship, I felt like I understood her so much more. I too have been cheated on, and I feel like we could relate on how it made us question ourselves. But we both came out of it building up our self-worth. Hearing Raven reflect on how her past made her stronger was very attractive. I know it took a lot of courage to tell that story. I never condone physical violence, but I can’t imagine being a woman put in that situation. I’d known for a while that Raven had a good heart, but that night I learned she is feisty and full of so much more power than I’d ever imagined. When I went to sleep that night and thought about our date, I was so excited about our future. Raven is a woman who would make a fierce partner and her confidence in herself is what I desire most in someone who could be my wife.

Cocktail Party I was looking forward to the cocktail party. There is always a looming sense of grey during cocktail parties because they’re followed by a rose ceremony, but it does allow us all to spend more time together.

It was disappointing to hear some of the women give Danielle L. a hard time about pulling me first. I know she already had a rose, but in this environment, putting your own relationship first is key. I did the same thing during Kaitlyn and Andi’s seasons, and I don’t think pulling first like that should hold so much negative weight. I celebrate bold moves, and I felt like it was great that Danielle pulled me. We came off such a high from our date, and I fully support wanting to end the week on high. 

Now, this cocktail party took a fast turn. It’s hard for me to comment on the Corinne and Taylor fight … yet. Trust me, this argument picks up pace and continues into next week. It’s important for me to make sure that we all hear both sides of the FULL argument before talking about it. What we saw here is just the start of what becomes a full on blowout. You’ll have to tune in next week to see how not only Corinne and Taylor hash out their differences — but how I handle their feud as well.

But this fight doesn’t just stop at the rose ceremony, I decided to put all our relationships to the test and have a two-on-one date with them. Believe me, what happens on the two-on-one next week will shock you — it certainly shocked me.

Thanks for reading, Nick

Movie TV Tech Geeks News

[junker-town]

‘The Bachelor’ episode 4 recap: The women shovel cow poop, Raven once beat up a doctor with a stiletto, Corinne is still a menace

They go to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin and things get real.

Welcome to Week 3 of The Bachelor. We are recapping the show because The Bachelor is sports. Here is last week’s recap.

The Bachelor is technically a show about a man trying to find a woman. But you know what The Bachelor is really about? Women.

You know what else was recently about women? The women’s marches across the world that took place last weekend. You know who went? Nick Viall (is Nick Viall woke?)

Anything done peacefully in solidarity is something I can stand behind. Cheers to the women of the world! #equality #WomensMarch

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 21, 2017

I went to a march, too, in D.C. (after I made Corinne’s nanny’s Cheese Pasta) with friends and friends of friends. The friends of friends were absolutely rad and are now my new best friends, so we are all watching The Bachelor together tonight.

First, though, we went out to dinner and drank several bottles of rosé, because that’s what you do before you watch The Bachelor, which I have renamed The Women’s March Part II. I lost track of time, which is how I found myself sprinting through a city at 7:58 p.m. one minute and 30 seconds after finishing a fairly large truffle-infused cheeseburger.

I’m a little worried I might throw up now, but I made it in time, so let’s do this.

(Side note: You guys should all totally watch the Facebook live show First Impressions tomorrow at noon where I recap The Women’s March Part II with Liz Plank of Vox and Rebecca Jennings of Racked. Here’s last week’s episode, in case you missed it.)

VANESSA DUNKING ON NICK, CONTINUED

The show opens with the second half of the conversation that Nick and Vanessa had at the end of last episode, where Vanessa was like “cut the crap, bad hombre, or I’m gonna go nasty woman on your ass.”

Nick — and I’m paraphrasing here — is essentially like, okay, yes, I get where you might be upset that I dry humped another woman in a bouncy house, but this show is hard.

Then Chris Harrison shows up for his requisite two minutes per episode. This dude must be the highest earner per-second of any white man in the nation, which is saying something. Also, he always looks like he’s wearing a shirt (usually gingham) that he ordered online and has just taken out of the packaging. I can almost smell the starch from here.

Chris Harrison tells the women there will be a rose ceremony, and I wonder if he has any other words in his vocabulary besides “ladies” and “rose” and “ceremony.”

CORINNE INTERVENTION, PART I

This part is kind of boring, but the women are basically like, “Hey, Corinne, you’re immature and privileged.” And she’s like, “I am in no way privileged,” and I’m like, “I don’t think Corinne knows what the word privileged means.”

She’s so drunk, always.

ROSE CEREMONY/BOUNCY HOUSE CONTROVERSY

The producers must’ve had a bet going to see how many times they could get the women to say the words “bouncy house,” because the contestants say it at least 30 times in five minutes. They’re very disappointed in the tomfoolery that went on in that inflatable castle and they all want Nick to send Corinne home.

But he doesn’t. He asks her to accept a rose with her privileged fingers, and she does.

Everyone's like, "OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

"It's seems like she's rubbing some of the girls the wrong way." - @chrisbharrison Maybe a bit...#TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/e4j2jD9cSW

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

And I’m like, “Of course he did!” Corinne makes for great TV and Nick wants to have sex with her. Why would he send her home? I don't even think the producers are making him hold onto her. He’s smart enough to know he needs drama for ratings because he’s been on this show 14,000 times before. Corinne is, if nothing else, drama (and also sex).

WE ALL HAVE TO GO TO MILWAUKEE NOW, UGH

Nick is from Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wisconsin, which is a town near Milwaukee. So he’s like, “We’re going to Milwaukee!”

I wonder if ABC slashed the budget for this season, because Wisconsin isn’t the first place I’d think to take a group of women for sexy time. But Nick’s leaning into the whole “wholesome dude” thing, so I guess he wants to jump right in and take some women home to meet the folks. Again, not generally what I would do on a third date, but I’m also single, so maybe I should try it.

Speaking of burgers: They have these things in Milwaukee called butter burgers, where they put a huge piece of butter on the bun that melts all over the burger, and it’s incredible. I hope they eat those on the show.

Nick and his parents have lunch together and cry a lot.

A pep talk from Mom and Dad is worth a million roses. #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/RRceJVd0Kt

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

DANIELLE L.’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE AT A NEIGHBORHOOD BAKERY

Nick and nail salon mogul Danielle L. go on a date to Nick’s hometown bakery. My friend Callie is like, “Is Nick wearing a henley?” And I’m like, “Yeah, he always wears henleys.”

I find henleys to be among the least attractive shirt options for men. Nick is lucky that I’m not on his season or I’d be like, “Will I accept this rose? Only if you accept the fact that you need to stop wearing henleys for this to work.”

On the date, they’re frosting cookies, and Danielle L. tries to draw Nick on a cookie but he ends up looking like a squid instead. My new best friends and I all agree that the reason Nick didn’t try to draw Danielle L. is because he would’ve just drawn two boobs and the bottom of her chin and been like, “oops, ran out of room!”

Ah, num num num! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/sX3CXtVMhR

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

This room collectively goes, “Ewwww!” when Nick and Danielle lick the frosting off each other’s fingers.

Then Nick and Danielle L. run into this woman named Amber, one of Nick’s exes, whom the producers definitely didn’t plant in the window of that coffee shop at the exact right time. They all have some fake awkward conversation and we move on.

Danielle L. and Nick go on an evening date where Danielle L.’s boobs are the star of the show. Danielle L. tells Nick that her biggest flaw is that her parents are divorced. Which is ... not a personal flaw, but OK.

Then they go to a country concert featuring some lame-ass, bro-ass country band I’ve never heard of and that Danielle L. probably hasn’t ever heard of either but has to pretend to be excited about. They make out in front of a lot of people.

"She got a smile that makes your worst day feel like your birthday." @iamchrislane #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/061HlPq9nq

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

My friends Callie and Louisa suggest we play a game called “Are They Settling?” in which we have to decide if the women would be settling if they ended up with Nick. Settling is a great way to up the odds that a guy won’t cheat on you. We think Danielle L. might be settling.

DATE CARD

Back at the house, the women find out that Raven got the second one-on-one date. A bunch of the women are holding hands and I’m like, “See? The Women’s March Part II is all about female friendship!” and my new best friends and I all clink our glasses of wine.

SHITTY GROUP DATE

This is literally a shitty date, because they’re shoveling piles of manure at a dairy farm. They’re also milking cows. This is Real America, folks.

All the women are wearing white pants even though they admit that the producers told them not to wear white pants. They’re also wearing blankets — maybe they’re actually scarves or sweaters, but they all look like they raided the home section of an Anthropologie, grabbed the nearest rug, and tossed a belt around it. Nick, to his credit, is not wearing a henley, but he is wearing an Aaron Rodgers/Big Lebowski sweater.

It's a little early for trick-or-treating, but Aaron Rodgers went as The Dude anyway after last night's game. http://pic.twitter.com/UhH2DVljzG

— SB Nation (@SBNation) October 21, 2016

“This is the worst date I’ve ever been on,” says Corinne. “I need sushi.”

Never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Corinne. We all decide that Corinne would not be settling if she ended up with Nick.

Corinne is SO in danger of being lassoed by an unimpressed cowgirl right now. #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/7dduHYbfa2

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

SHITTY GROUP DATE, NIGHT

All the women are talking trash about Corinne. Vanessa gives Nick a scrapbook filled with pictures of herself looking super pretty, goofy, and relatable that “her students” (she’s a special needs teacher as well as the most beautiful woman in the world) made for him but that she definitely just made herself.

Kristina and Nick are vibing. He’s like, “I love watching you,” which is creepy. She just kind of looks at him and smiles, so she’s probably a Russian spy sent by Putin. Hello, CIA? You may want to keep an eye on this chick.

Sarah asks Corinne, “Do you think you’re ready to marry a 36 year-old-man? I don’t see you meeting his maturity level. I would love to hear from you if you think you are.”

Corinne, in a confessional to the camera, is like, “I’ll show you mature,” and grabs her boobs, and I’m like, “Doesn't scream maturity to grab your boobs and smush them together on national television but who am I to judge.”

And then Corinne delivers the best line of the night:

“I know you were really upset for me falling asleep that day. I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap.”

She then says that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps, and honestly I can’t prove her wrong.

Perhaps the greatest reaction GIF in Bachelor history. You're welcome! Thanks Vanessa! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/qVgIAdup3k

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

RAVEN’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE AT A YOUTH SOCCER GAME WHICH ISN’T WEIRD AT ALL

Raven and Nick go to Nick’s little sister Bella’s youth soccer game. Bella — who is now 11 years old, I’m guessing — has been on every season of The Bachelorette that Nick has been on, and I’m pretty sure that’s enough cause to call the social workers in Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wiscosin.

Raven meets Nick’s parents. Nick’s mom looks like Kate Gosselin did a Snapchat face-swap with Robin Wright Penn. Things are a little awkward, but I don’t know how you could expect them not to be when you meet a guy’s parents on the first date you have alone with him surrounded by camera crews.

We really just spent most of the date eating orange slices #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/aDbYrOma9U

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 24, 2017

Much like the producer’s “how many times can they say bouncy house” game, they seem to be doing the same thing with “hometown,” because Nick says it every other word. It’s like Morse code: “Hey (hometown) Bella, (hometown) great (hometown) game (hometown)!”

Then they all go to an arcade and go rollerblading. Bella’s eaten a lot of candy so her tongue is totally blue.

Nick’s henley (but not the same one he wore on his Danielle L. date) is very unbuttoned and it looks like he’s oiled up his shaved chest. He and Raven make out at the roller rink.

So kiss me! Raven and Nick on a great skate date! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/l5sbQaJjJy

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

RAVEN’S BEST STORY EVER

The night part of Raven and Nick’s date is cool, because it’s in the Milwaukee Museum of Fine Art, which is a dope-looking building. Raven gets vulnerable and tells Nick about her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. She says that someone told her that her ex-boyfriend — who was a doctor — was sleeping with a nurse while he was dating Raven. So her mom was like, “Go to his house.”

Raven had a key, so she did. The bedroom door was locked, so she kicked it open. My friends and I stop talking because we can tell this is about to get good.

Raven says her boyfriend “was on top of [the nurse], full-on thrusting.” She also says, “I know what her vagina looks like,” and Nick tries to be cool, but his face is like, WHOA!

Then Raven says she beat her ex in the head with a stiletto and the room erupts. We’re all like, “HELL YEAH RAVEN! Way to beat up your cheatin' ex with a stiletto!”

Here is a live look at Raven from that night:

My friend Liz is like, “Most women dream of beating a man with a stiletto. Raven has has lived most women’s dreams.”

I couldn’t agree more, Liz. I ride for Raven. She and Nick rollerblade out of the museum like the end couplet of a beautiful sonnet.

TAYLOR AND CORINNE GO AT EACH OTHER

The end of the episode is basically just Taylor and Corinne passive-aggressive-ing each other, and I’m honestly pretty bored by all of it. Taylor, who is 23 and somehow has a masters from Johns Hopkins in psychology, is trying to mess with Corinne by throwing around words like “emotional intelligence.” Corinne is like, “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company.”

I don’t believe Corinne on either count, but I do think she’s wily, and I wouldn’t underestimate her.

A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF THOUGHTS

We didn’t see enough of Danielle M., Vanessa, or Rachel, all of whom are still my front-runners (and all of whom would be settling).

Raven is now my front-runner for Most Badass.

Corinne's eyes remind me of Jack Nicholson's in The Shining.

My friend Louisa brought up a good point, which is that this show provides contestants with tons of free deli meat, which is her biggest expense.

Dates on The Women’s March Part II are funny, because you just talk about the past few minutes of the date, so you never talk about anything besides talking about what you talked about, so it becomes this endless loop of discussing feelings about nothing.

They made Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wiscosin look exotic. Turns out all you have to do to spruce up a barn is put some floral arrangements on bales of hay and fill the place with candles. Seems like a fire hazard to me, but hey, I’m not a doctor.

Next week we have to deal with more Corinne-Taylor drama bullshit when they go on a double date with Nick from which only one can return.

Corinne will obviously return.

The saddest part of this show — and the most real — is when women get sent home in the rose ceremonies in the first four or five episodes. Because at that point, their sadness doesn’t really have to do with Nick; it has to do with the fact that they just want to be loved, and going on the show was a fun way not to have to be single in the real world for a little bit.

And all these women just want to be loved! I wish I could reach through my TV, take their hands, and say, “Just go to a women’s march. You’ll find so many new best friends that you won’t even think about professional Bachelor-goer-oners like Nick.”

At least it worked for me.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 3 Recap: A Lot of Bouncing

This week’s Beard Hunk doesn’t quite leave us where we left off last week.  If you recall, Nick had just sent Liz packing, and, tail between his legs, walked back to tell the remainder of women on the group date that he and Liz had terrible sex 9 months ago and he failed to tell anyone when she “appeared” on the show. But this week picks up the following day and we only see a montage of girls obsessing over Nick’s actions before it’s time for the cocktail party to start. But before we can get started with the night’s round of speed dating, Nick gets a chance to tell his side of the Liz story, glossing over the awkward sex and the fact that she flat out said “I don’t want your number.” It’s all pretty rehearsed and insincere, which is on brand. Admittedly, I was paying more attention to his floral print tie than his words.

After Nick invites the girls to participate in a Reddit AMA about him and Liz, he spends the rest of the night reassuring the women that he does, in fact, have a dick and Liz is clearly a TV fame whore. At no point in the night do we see Nick actually apologize for his dishonesty. The closest we get to remorse is Nick telling Danielle L. that he was particularly worried about how she felt, because she’s super hot and out of his league. After a few dull conversations, the Corinne Show starts back up again. Because she “knows how to turn on the sex charm,” Corinne corners Nick outside, wielding whipped cream and wearing nothing but a trench coat. Corinne’s launches into an “I really like you” speech only to be interrupted by Nick asking if she’s in a dress or a coat. As if Nick can’t see the tell tale signs of a Varsity Blues reenactment. After making him actually eat a mouth full of whipped cream, Corinne pulls out her left boob, covers it in whipped cream, and demands he lick it off.

AND HE DOES!!! I’m not sure why this surprised me SO much, but like, COME ON. He eventually starts to get nervous as his eyes dart off camera to a producer, clearly worried that someone is going to see them and wanting to know if the coast is clear. It was, for the time being, so Corinne goes ahead and flashes Nick AGAIN. At this point, Nick starts explaining in a voice over that he’s “really juggling trying to appreciate Corinne while also being respectful of the women in the house.”

Pretty impressive juggling, Nick.  Eventually Jasmine walks by, pretending to have no idea what’s going on and saves Nick from more fake juggling. In a puzzling turn of events, Corinne becomes self-aware for just a moment, worrying that she went too far and made things awkward. She’s clearly just wasted at this point, and since she’s used to getting about 16 hours of sleep per day it’s time for a nap. But it’s also time for the rose ceremony. Obviously no one bothered to wake her up because she’s a terrible disaster, but this is also another example of how these girls keep giving Nick the benefit of the doubt when he does. not. deserve. it. They thought he would get mad and punish her. Maybe take away her rose and make her participate in the ceremony. But he does none of this. Instead, he gives us yet another circus metaphor, telling us that it’s a difficult balancing act between validating Corinne’s behavior and keeping the other women from thinking he’s validating her behavior. And then. sure enough, he validates her behavior by doing and saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 

Awesome balancing act, Nick. 

Rock Your Body, Right?

Okay so I would definitely freak out for 2 minutes if BSB showed up in my living room, but then I would be like, “wait, do you really have NOTHING better to do?” Well, no. Not really. So the first group of girls and Nick head off to some LA studio where the Backstreet Boys teach them choreography (aka “planned dancing”) so they can all perform *live* on stage later that night. Corinne struggles through this group date because she’s not a good planned dancer and because Nick can’t take his eyes off Danielle L. She claims she’s “not a cry baby” and doesn’t throw a fit when the attention isn’t on her ... but then cries and runs away because the attention isn’t on her. Her “meltdown,” as well as the remainder of the date is pretty underwhelming. Even though Jasmine is an actual professional dancer, Danielle L. is the main focus. Neither Nick, the cameraman or the 5th Backstreet Boy no one ever remembers can keep their eyes off Danielle L. So she *wins* this portion of the date and as punishment a reward, she gets to slow dance with Nick on stage to an acapella rendition of “I Want It That Way.”

Later that night, we see Nick and Danielle L. getting some quality alone time, but it all feels pretty fake. Not just because she’s an actress and would never give him the time of day in real life, but because she’s an actress and would never give him the time of day in real life. Back at the camp fire, Corinne has just woken from a quick cat nap and joins a comically stereotypical conversation about boob jobs and kids which quickly turns into a Raquel reveal. The women are floored to hear that Corinne has a “nanny” that makes her bed, slices her vegetables and makes her cheese pasta (more commonly known as mac and cheese). Jasmine’s reaction is everyone’s reaction:

Yes, she DID just say nanny. Yes, she IS a 24-year-old. Yes, she IS the worst person you have ever met in your life. Jasmine is so drunk shocked by the news that she ends up wiping out on her way back from the bathroom. 

No Gravity. Lots of Tears.

The Zero-Gravity plane is definitely cooler than the Backstreet Boys, but less cool than, say, dating a guy who doesn’t lick whipped cream of a 24 year old’s chest before and after making out with your roommates. As I imagine most dates with Nick go, everything is going *swell* until Vanessa starts throwing up. She is able to look fairly poised as she barfs, even though Nick is all over her like a needy little rodent, rubbing her feet and up her pant legs as she yacks into a barf bag. Later that night, Vanessa tells a moving story about the day she buried her grandfather (conveniently right before she came here) and how someone gave her a rose so this is all *fate* (or something like that). After this moving story, she asks some hard hitting questions like why he’s doing this for a 4th time after getting shit on so many times. Nick explains that its hard to pay bills and your rent when you aren’t employed or making appearances, and you can’t do that if you’re just a two time loser with no compelling love story. The openness and honesty of this conversation moves Nick, and me, to tears.

Track, Field, and Bouncing

The second date is considerably less exciting than dancing behind the Backstreet Boys. Of course Olympians should get us more excited, but ABC is going to be hard pressed to find a Bachelor fan who gives a shit about the first US woman to win gold in the shot put. Luckily, Astrid decided to make the date more interesting for everyone by not wearing a real sports bra despite rocking double Ds. Astrid, honey, no man--especially this one--is worth running around in an unsupportive sports bra for. After a serious of actual track and field events, Rachel, Alexis and Astrid—due in part because of her javelin throw and larger part by dem titties—are selected to race each other to grab a fake engagement ring. Despite coming in 3rd place, Astrid manages to grab the ring, or what’s left of it, off the ground and wins the prize of a make out session with Nick in a hot tub. Later that night, Dominique continues to spiral about Nick not paying attention to her, so Rachel takes her into the bathroom and gives her a very reasonable pep talk. Notably, even though Dominique ends up getting sent home before the end of the date, this whole part of the episode was very boring. It’s not a coincidence, of course, seeing as most of the younger girls were either left at the house or on the first date. But this reflects the Catch 22 that is the Bachelor. You want to see drama and girls say dumb shit, but you also want to see people find *genuine love*. It’s hard to find *genuine love* when you cast a bunch of 24 year olds to date a 36 year old, but it’s also hard to keep people interested if you don’t have a Corinne flashing her nip every other scene. This is, of course, one of the countless reasons why these pairings almost never work out in real life, further emphasizing the conclusion that this show is ultimately about 15 minutes of fame and finding new people to push Fit Tea on Instagram, not about finding love.

Straddling Someone In a Bouncy Castle. No.

I’m a big fan of pool parties replacing the cocktail parties because people end up getting wasted after drinking in the sun all day. It also provides time for stunts like Corinne’s bouncy castle. To no one’s surprise, Corinne does not join the pool party but instead, lures Nick out to the driveway where the producers Raquel have inflated a bouncy castle for Nick and Corinne to dry-hump in. As if this wasn’t enough and “Very unfair!,” Corinne squeals loudly with excitement so the girls sitting just 10 feet away can hear her. Almost as if it was staged (lol), the girls peek their heads out into the driveway to see Corinne bouncing on top of Nick.

Most of them get fed up watching Corinne and Nick dry-hump and head back to the pool to plot their “I’m disappointed in you” talk with Nick.  Sure enough, Raven kicks things off by saying that on behalf of all the small business owners on this show, he is making a huge mistake with Corinne. Nick seems to have missed the whole nanny memo, but he isn’t as disgusted / appalled / turned off as a 36 year old would imagine. That may be because he’s connected the dots that she’s loaded. Or he doesn’t care because he thinks with a dick and this is all just another step to landing himself in the reality tv hall of fame. Or, he just doesn’t respect these women. Assuming it’s #3, because it is, he lets the criticism wash over him like a sheepish alter boy, avoiding eye contact with all the drunk girls lecturing him. That is, until Vanessa pulls him aside and dresses him down. Nick, being the piece of shit that he is, tries to tell Vanessa he “doesn’t know what she saw” --- but Vanessa claps back that “it was enough for her to walk away after 2 seconds.” 

Hell yeah it was, because that was shameless and gross and pretty god damn offensive. Especially after he just said he didn’t want people thinking he wasn’t here for the #rightreasons and CRIED in her arms the night before. So, Vanessa asks, why the fuck would you hump a 24-year-old with a nanny in front of everyone and on TV? And before you can answer, just know that Vanessa isn’t judging Corinne, she’s judging Nick’s actions.  Well that’s very admirable, Vanessa. But we’re also judging Corinne....

Did you notice . . .

Elizabeth (we’re always like “who the hell is that) says that she might not be able to stay if Nick fucks anyone before the Fantasy Suite. But, after the Fantasy Suite is okay?

Corinne’s intonation when she complains about watching Danielle L. and Nick make out in front of her faaaaace.

Alexis says “move bitches” when she steps down to get her rose. Love her.

Corinne saying she was asleep with her nips exposed on the group date. Like what is with this girl and her nipples. We get it! You have nipples!

I’d bet you $100 Ivanka Trump also calls mac and cheese “cheese pasta.”

“I could be one of the last ones standing.” - Rachel. It’s funny how she doesn’t say “I could be engaged.” Almost like she knows there’s 0% chance Nick would actually get fake-engaged to...

Josephine’s audition for America’s Got Talent during the credits. Yikes.

Minority Report: Jasmine just barely got the final rose this last ceremony, but we lost Dominique in an unceremonious dismissal fitting her time, or lack thereof, on the show. At least Rachel got the group date rose, so it kind of all evened out?

[bloggingwithfrenchie]

Frenchie’s Bachelor Recap - Week 3

We open on the rose ceremony, where Nick is pretending to care what the women think about him sleeping with Liz at (say it with me) Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Hint: they are all just fucking ecstatic that there’s one less woman competing for a rose, Nick.

Meanwhile, Corinne is upstairs practicing how to sexily rip off her trench coat in the bathroom mirror. Tbh we’ve all been there, but really?

Conveniently, Nick is waiting outside when she comes downstairs, and even more conveniently a futon has been set up for them (no sign of the producers here). Corinne then proceeds to seduce Nick by spraying whipped cream on her boob and making him lick it off. Nick is clearly both confused and aroused which is honestly kind of hilarious to watch. His mom will be so proud!

Jasmine ends up being the one to interrupt this disturbing wet dream, putting us all out of our misery and sending Corinne into a hysterical tailspin. Corinne then locks herself in the bathroom and cries to Lacey, who somehow has been trapped into being her friend. She keeps shouting “NOTHING HAPPENED” which is what I usually say too after a guy removes whipped cream from my boob with his mouth.

There is a girl at the rose ceremony in a yellow dress who I have literally never seen before, awk. This girl (Elizabeth?) ends up going home along with Lacey and Canadian Hailey. Maybe she can go date Daniel now.

The women on the first group date get to hang out with the Backstreet Boys all day and perform with them on stage, which is the best group date ever tbh. Taylor, who has a startling lack of self-awareness for a therapist, loudly says that she would be soooo bummed if she hadn’t been picked for this one, and everyone glares at her.

Other than Corinne, who has another meltdown (her emotions are literally like a ping-pong ball), the women all have fun. Danielle L wins the for having the best chemistry with Nick (called it), and her prize is to awkwardly slow dance with him on stage while all the other women watch. Every girl’s dream! Later that night Nick literally grabs a handful of her ass while they’re making out, which in many cultures is a sign of true love.

The one-on-one date is with Vanessa, surprise surprise. They go on a zero gravity plane and her hair literally looks perfect the entire time. She barfs a lot and yet Nick still wants to kiss her after, which is gross but honestly probably means she’s gonna win.

For the second group date, they have a track and field contest judged by three Olympic athletes (really pulling out all the stops here ABC). Astrid wins, possibly because she’s the best or possibly because she’s wearing only a sports bra and her boobs are bouncing EVERYWHERE the whole time. Cute sports bra though.

At the cocktail party, Rachel gets the rose even though Astrid got the hot tub time, reminding us once again that Rachel is another front runner. Alexis’s move is to unfurl a giant poster of Nick and then lie on it with him because she is a flawless human. “This isn’t awkward, right?” When Alexis comes back to Jersey I’m finding her and forcing her to be my friend.

Dominique spends the whole date pouting because Nick won’t pay attention to her, which is annoying and boring. “I kept trying to stand vaguely near you while 7 other women and 3 Olympic athletes were around, why didn’t you notice?” Girl, please. Nick sends her home because he literally doesn’t give a fuck and prob doesn’t remember her name.

The episode ends with a pool party instead of a cocktail party, because Nick is horny and wants to be fawned over by a bunch of women in bikinis. The women pretty much line up for a chance to make out with him in the hot tub while everyone else watches, which isn’t weird or awkward at all.

The producers somehow convince their deranged wind-up doll Corinne to try to seduce Nick with a bouncy castle, so that happens and everyone watches in abject horror as they pretty much dry hump in a children’s play house. Everyone talks shit on Corinne, but Vanessa, because she is a classy badass, tells Nick: “I’m not judging her actions, I’m judging your actions.” WHAT A QUEEN.