#give me rad poisoning cowboy

[morvydyvrom]

WIP I just can’t keep this to myself. This irradiated cowboy has been living rent free in my head for like a week and I can not get him out 😩.

OCs name is Bonnie MacLean. She is the older sister of Lucy. She ran away when her father tried to bring her back to the vaults. She hated it there before and she definitely didn’t wanna go back. She is a wastelander at heart and relishes in the freedom and danger that the surface embodies.

On the surface she learned to make chems n thats part of what brings her and Cooper together over time.

Still fleshing out details, but that’s the gist of Bonnie 😊

[absolutepokemontrash]

MC’s Half Demon and They Look Awfully Familiar Part 4

(The side characters strike again!)

Part 1 Part 2 Lessons 1-5 Part 2.5 Group Retreat Lessons 10-12 Part 3

L!MC= Lucifer’s kid | M!MC= Mammon’s kid | A!MC=Asmo’s kid

Let’s get right to it!

The Uncle That Hardcore Simps For His Spouse In the Most Wholesome Way (Diavolo)

Gasp! More half-demon kids? Oh my! Maybe if he tried again next year a kid of his own would pop down! Hang on- he hadn’t slept with a human in almost a century... dang. No kids for him...

...maybe...

Remember when I said Diavolo would try to do those stereotypical dad (tm) things and be hip with the kids? Yeah he keeps doing that.

The number of broken windows related to wayward baseballs goes up 150%. At least that’s how they all figured out that M!MC is nearsighted like their dad!

M!MC had developed a bit of a habit of telling Diavolo about cool human stuff and making the Crown Prince even more interested in the human world than normal.

You may be thinking “what’s so bad about that?” well, the number of yo-yos at RAD went up so high that Lucifer had to ban them.

Belphie and Satan, being the rebels they are, became yo-yo masters specifically to spite Lucifer.

It was sort of like the fidget spinners craze if you were in school for that.

Oh, hi Lord Diavolo. What’s a fidget spinner? It’s this- I should stop talking...

Since no one learned their lesson from the previous incident, Diavolo threw another BBQ.

“Why are we doing this again?” L!MC asked to no one in particular.

“Don’t worry, L!MC. I’ve taken every precaution possible to make sure that what happened last time doesn’t happen again.” Diavolo said and continued in his crusade to cover the entire pathway with sidewalk chalk doodles.

L!MC, Luke, Diavolo, M!MC, Belphie, and A!MC were all busily drawing a wide variety of doodles and drawings with chalk while the other guests milled around nearby. A!MC was in the middle of drawing quite the nice looking Cerberus chibi, while M!MC and Belphie were drawing a lot of stick figures. L!MC and Luke had just finished a wonderful drawing of... an alpaca? Giraffe? Thing...? Hell, even they didn’t know what it was.

Diavolo looked over at M!MC’s stick figure army with a big smile on his face. “So what are all of them doing? It looks like that one’s flying!”

You could practically hear the Addam’s Family theme play as M!MC and Belphie looked at each other and grinned.

“Oh Belphie was just talking about L!MC’s flying lesson fails and I felt that an artist’s rendition was needed.” M!MC explained, he began to point out certain doodles. “Here’s L!MC getting up off the ground, then there’s them actually flying, and this is them falling in the fountain.”

L!MC looked over at the chalk and glared at M!MC. “It’s generous to call that an artist’s rendition. It looks like crap.”

“And what did you draw?” Belphie smirked at the alpaca-giraffe-thing, Luke protectively covered up the drawing (side note, Luke was wearing white and playing with sidewalk chalk, by the end of the day he looked like a walking pride flag).

“None of your business!” Luke huffed.

“And what about that one?” Diavolo seemed completely oblivious to the hostility brewing between the two groups, A!MC was completely used to this and walked away to grab a drink.

“Ah, good eye, Lord Diavolo!” M!MC chirped. “This is a drawing of the time L!MC almost burned down your kitchen.”

Diavolo laughed and gave M!MC a few pats on the head. “Very accurate!”

“You’re so lucky I followed the rules and didn’t bring a water gun...” L!MC growled as they slowly reached for their backpack.

“Yeah... lucky. Real lucky...” M!MC nodded as they tried to casually reach for their bag, Belphie followed suit.

“I’m so glad we all followed the rules.” Luke smiled, his own hand inching towards his bag.

There was a brief moment of stillness before the four of them whipped out their water guns and pointed them at each other.

“This BBQ ain’t big enough for the both of us!” M!MC’s terrible cowboy impression aside, their gun was poised to shoot directly at Luke and L!MC’s alpaca-giraffe-thing.

“Everyone, I know this is a human world tradition but-”

Belphie silenced Diavolo by pointing his water gun at him. “Sh, don’t talk unless you have a water gun as well.”

Deciding not to smite Belphie for treason, Diavolo pulled his own water gun out of his shirt. “Okay, what now?”

“Now, we’re in a standoff...” L!MC glowered at M!MC, the air was practically crackling with hostility...

Until a burst of flames got everyone to whirl around to see A!MC with hairspray and a lighter.

“No water guns! I refuse to go home shivering and covered in grass again!”

Crisis averted. Everyone went to go fail at throwing beanbags into a hole instead of shooting each other.

That was probably for the best... Belphie filled everyone’s water guns with paint.

The Uncle That Does All the Cooking for Family Dinners (Barbatos)

Remember how I said that Barbs liked smol Lucifer? Yea, he likes smol Asmo too. Smol Asmo is willing to admit that they don’t know how to use an oven and is willing to learn.

M!MC is formally banned from being within 50 feet of the kitchen. It’s for the best.

A!MC often tries to get Barbatos to look into the possible futures so they can see if they can avoid messing anything up and A!MC is just so adorable that Barbatos actually thinks about it.

He still says no every single time.

“Could you at least tell me if I have the possibility of doing something embarrassing in the near future?”

“My apologies, A!MC, but no.”

“P-please?”

“The answer remains the same.”

A!MC sighed and went back to helping chop vegetables. Under Barbatos’ tutelage, A!MC’s cooking ability had increased tenfold, they could now make as many burgers as they wanted without worrying about burning down the kitchen.

Pitying the anxious half-demon, Barbatos sighed. “I cannot confirm nor deny a future where your outfit gets ruined.”

A!MC perked up. “H-huh?”

“I cannot confirm nor deny a future where your outfit gets ruined.”

Quickly understanding what Barbatos was trying to do, A!MC quickly nodded and spent the rest of the cooking time carefully taking note of their surroundings.

“Hey! What’re you guys doin’?” M!MC had managed to get in... damn! Everyone must have been putting their best efforts in keeping Solomon away from the kitchen and forgot about M!MC...

“We’re just finishing up, M!MC,” Barbatos had on his ‘oh no...’ smile. “We don’t need any help.”

“Really? You guys sure?”

“Why are you so interested?” A!MC asked.

“Lucifer said that idle hands are the devil’s playthings and that I should go look for something productive to do.” M!MC huffed. “Very ironic phrase.”

“F-fine, I guess you can...” A!MC searched for the least destructive task they could give. “Take the utensils and set the table.”

M!MC gave them a mock salute and grabbed the utensils, as they turned to leave, they knocked a large bowl of chopped fruit over, sending the fruit pieces flying.

Remembering Barbatos’ prediction, A!MC didn’t bother to try and stop the fruit from falling, they only grabbed the nearest big plate they could find and shielded their outfit from harm. The fruit splattered harmlessly against the shield.

“Whoops... my bad. You alright, A!MC?” M!MC asked as A!MC inspected their outfit.

“Y-yes actually...” A!MC turned to Barbatos, who was already getting the cleaning supplies.

“Thank you!” A!MC whispered.

Barbatos smiled and nodded. “You’re very welcome, A!MC.”

Barbatos now has two sorta-children. A!MC and Luke!

M!MC means well, I swear! He just shouldn’t be allowed in a cooking environment!

The Cousin That Your Mom Points at and Goes “Look at Him, He Helps With the Dishes, Be More Like Him.” (Simeon)

Oh man... time for some more embarrassing stories.

“Asmo was the most adorable child, it’s a shame he was such a troublemaker...”

“Really? My dad?”

“What about mine?”

“I think you can guess.”

I cannot comment on Simeon’s help with flying lessons because I refuse to Headcanon what Simeon’s wings look like until canon gives us a GLIMMER. LIKE SERIOUSLY SOLMARE IM CURIOUS-

I have a feeling the children were quite curious as well.

“What do you think his wings look like?” M!MC asked A!MC as the two peered around the corner of one of the hallways in Purgatory Hall.

“I bet they’re super nice. But besides that...” A!MC leaned over and squinted. “Why is Simeon writing with a pen and pencil? He’s writing a book... shouldn’t he use a computer?”

“Bold of you to assume he knows how to use a computer.” M!MC snickered.

A!MC frowned. “Don’t be mean... I’m sure he knows how...”

Simeon picked up his DDD and took a picture of his face, seemingly by accident, with the flash on, causing him to drop the phone in surprise.

“Probably...”

The two surveyed their angel friend like two wildlife documenters, here we see, the Simeon, not in his natural habitat, surrounded by confusing technology...

“Do you think if we scare him his wings might pop out in surprise?” M!MC wondered aloud, A!MC shrugged.

“Maybe... but I don’t think we should bother him...” A!MC whispered. “He looks busy.”

“What are you two doing?”

It took literally every bit of willpower for the two half demons to not scream in absolute terror at the sudden interruption.

Ah... it was just Solomon... in an apron... Solomon... in cooking clothes...

Oh no.

“Spying on Simeon?” Solomon asked.

“N-no...” A!MC giggled nervously. “Just crouching casually in this hallway...”

“...smooth, A!MC.” M!MC rolled their eyes.

“Well, it’s great that you two are here, I made lunch!”

A!MC and M!MC looked at each other in pure horror, they needed to get out of there!

“Uh- um... we’d love to but...” M!MC looked around frantically before just pointing at a random spot behind Solomon. “LOOK! A DISTRACTION!”

A!MC and M!MC ran out of there as fast as their legs could carry them. Finding out if Simeon had wings was not worth being poisoned. Not at all...

Good ol’ Simeon... Mr. Cristopher Peugeot on the other hand- M!MC had some questions for him.

“TSL is literally the most popular book series ever, does that mean you’re completely loaded?”

“Oh, no I’m not, I don’t have any use for human world money in the Celestial Realm. All the profits go to charity.”

“...Dude really?”

“That’s nice of you, Simeon!”

“You didn’t keep any of it..?”

Wait... Who the Hell Are You..? (Solomon)

So A!MC basically has three dads; Fabulous-dad, butler-dad, and wizard-dad!

“So you just... have capes lying around?”

“Yes, would you like a cape?”

“Okay if they don’t take the cape I want it.”

Solomon shows up to RAD with his nails painted different wacky styles every week, courtesy of A!MC.

Though- the unholy combination that is M!MC and Solomon is feared by all.

“Road work ahead?”

“Uh, yeah I sure hope it does.”

Solomon and M!MC’s rampant quoting of vines elicited another glare from Lucifer.

Despite Solomon having literally been alive since the seven rulers of hell were angels, he had kept up with pop culture fairly decently. Decently enough that M!MC had someone that wasn’t Levi to bounce memes off.

“Pff...” M!MC suppressed a laugh at a seemingly normal water bottle advertisement. “Enslaved moisture.”

“I’m not going crazy, right Simeon? You’re hearing this too?” Lucifer tiredly turned to the angel, who shook his head.

“This is just the tip of the iceberg. Solomon quacked at M!MC earlier and they lost their minds laughing about it.” Simeon shrugged, unbothered by the sorcerer and the half demon’s rampant meme-ing behind them.

Lucifer on the other hand, was quite bothered. Incredibly bothered, if you will. “If you two don’t shut up right now I’m going to-”

“Quick! We must abscond!” Solomon turned and heelied away, followed by M!MC. The shoes that Mammon bought to replace the ones lost during the casino incident were apparently heelies as well...

The day was saved when a rock jammed one of Solomon’s wheels and he slammed face first into the concrete. Yikes... that had to hurt.

A!MC had fun glow in the dark bandaids for Solomon to patch up his face. Even though he he could heal himself with magic, he let A!MC do what they wanted because they were just too adorable to say no to.

Asmo has pictures

The Cousin Squad (tm)

(Luke, L!MC, A!MC, and M!MC)

Ah yes, the bab squad. The most adorable group in the Devildom. Surrender your candy immediately or face destruction.

M!MC teases the crap out of Luke, and A!MC tries to stop it, but L!MC is the one who manages to actually make M!MC stop.

Only L!MC gets to pick on the smol angel. GOT IT?!

A!MC and Luke are already baking buddies because of butler-dad so they get along swimmingly.

Poor Luke’s the victim of many of M!MC’s shenanigans.

Luke: Are you sure this is safe, M!MC?

M!MC (about to put mentos into the bottle of coke Luke is holding): No.

L!MC and A!MC get along really well, being honest, everyone loves A!MC.

A!MC makes sure L!MC gets some sleep because they don’t want their cousin picking up on Lucifer’s habit of living off of coffee and coffee alone. L!MC doesn’t get it but they’re very grateful anyway.

M!MC and A!MC were friends from the start. Well... M!MC decided they were friends right from the start and A!MC did not have the ability to fight the power of friendship.

M!MC: You are being befriended. Please do not resist.

Since M!MC is great and amazing like their pop, they took it upon themselves to be the friend that speaks up when A!MC is too nervous to do so.

M!MC and L!MC? Lucifer and Mammon 2 electric boogaloo. Sorta.

L!MC and M!MC bicker all the time but the babs bounce back from their fights way easier.

One minute they’re at each other’s throats and the next they’re showing each other memes.

“There’s no escaping this.”

Lucifer stood between M!MC and the door... their one way ticket to freedom...

“You need to go to the dentist.”

The entire HOL plus the Purgatory Hall crew were getting ready to go visit the dentist to get their teeth cleaned. It was the time of the year that Mammon dreaded most... and his child felt the same way.

“My teeth are fine! Lemme stay home! I’ll hold down the fort with dad!” M!MC smiled and nodded as enthusiastically as they could, but even the most unobservant person couldn’t miss the sweat beading on their forehead.

“Beel.” Lucifer snapped his fingers and before M!MC could do anything Beel had thrown them over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

“Don’t worry M!MC, the dentist isn’t that scary.” Beel tried to assure them. By the way M!MC was still kicking and screaming, they were not convinced.

“Y-yeah kiddo, suck it up! Don’t be a baby! I’m just gonna take my car there-”

“MAAAAAAMOOOON?!”

“YIKES!”

Lucifer had the important task of keeping a hold of Mammon as the very large group made their way to the dentist’s office.

A devious little idea popped into L!MC’s head as they all sat down in the waiting room. They began to hum a familiar little tune.

“She said be a deeeentiiiist~ a dentist!” L!MC sang to M!MC, who’s attempts to escape increased tenfold after hearing the song.

A!MC began to hum along, not seeming to notice the commotion going on next to them.

“Son be a deeentiiiiiist~ people will pay you for causing them PAIN! She said be a deeentiiiiiist~”

Belphie perked up and smiled deviously as he realized what L!MC was doing, he began to sing along as well. The three were a veritable choir of terror to poor M!MC. Mammon did not understand his child’s terror and was more unnerved by what a great team Belphie and L!MC made.

Satan rolled his eyes and tried to focus on his book, Asmo was absorbed in his magazine, Levi was having a very in depth conversation with the fish in the aquarium, Simeon and Solomon chatted about school, and Luke was stuck watching the train wreck go down.

Thankfully, it was halted by Lucifer. “L!MC, A!MC, Belphegor, stop tormenting M!MC with show tunes.”

“You would have made a good dentist in another life, Lucifer,” Belphie cooed. “You know what they say, the only difference between a dentist and a sadist is that one has newer magazines.”

Asmo grimaced at his magazine. “Is it the sadist? Because I’m reading a magazine from 1843...”

The conversation was interrupted by one of the dental hygienists coming into the waiting room and saying that Mammon was up first. The Avatar of Greed’s final escape attempt was foiled by Satan (not even looking up from his book) clotheslining him.

Thirty minutes later, Mammon emerged from the forbidden dentist room, with the look of trauma in his eyes and eating a lollipop.

One by one, the group went in, A!MC took it upon themselves to try and make the rapidly panicking Luke feel better.

“It won’t be too scary, in the human world dentists are usually very nice.” A!MC smiled encouragingly.

“I-I’m sure that’s true but...” Luke looked around. “We aren’t in the human world...”

Asmo skipped back in and flashed a blinding grin to the group. “Absolutely perfect, no flaws! It’s your turn, A!MC!”

“If you die I get to say I told ya so!” M!MC shouted as A!MC walked into the dentist’s room.

They did not in fact, die because of the dentist. A!MC walked out and gave a thumbs up. “The dentist said they had never seen a kid with such perfect teeth.”

“That’s my baby!” Asmo chirped.

“M!MC, you’re up.” A!MC and Beel had to practically drag the poor kid out of the room and into the dentist area of doom.

“GO BE A DEEEEEENTIIIIIIST!” Belphie and L!MC shouted one last time as the doors shut. Wow, what dickheads...

Mammon probably would have tried to save his poor little bugger, but he was in the middle an impromptu therapy session with Simeon over the scary scraping dentist knife thingie.

Beel was the last to go, and he walked out of the dentist’s room with his face covered in blood, the dentist walked out after him, missing a hand.

“You tasted like toothpaste.” Beel sighed. “Not good.”

“Don’t worry,” The dentist said to Luke, who looked like he was about to pass out. “My hand will grow back in about four to five minutes.”

Luke, still terrified, nodded. L!MC patted him on the shoulder.

“Anyway, almost all of you are fine, but I have to recommend M!MC to the orthodontist.” The dentist flipped through their notepad one-handed. “Their secondary set of fangs are coming out crooked and need to be corrected with braces immediately.”

M!MC sat calmly for a moment, then attempted to sprint out the door. “NO NO NO NO NO!” One of the dental hygienists grabbed them by the back of their shirt and halted their escape.

“Sucks to be you.” L!MC smirked.

“And L!MC needs to fix their cross bite, braces are a strong possibility.”

The colour drained from L!MC’s face as the news dawned upon them. “Pardon, but what exactly are you talking about..?”

“Your top jaw and bottom jaw aren’t properly lined up.” The dentist explained. “It will lead to problems later if it’s not fixed now.”

Lucifer rubbed his temples and sighed. “L!MC, if you try and run away I swear...”

L!MC stiffened and shook their head. “I’m not some coward, I’m not running away. Just... what exactly are you going to do to my mouth?”

The dentist pulled up a few pictures of the braces and explained what would be done. L!MC nodded, and turned to their father with a big smile on their face.

“It won’t be so bad, mind if I go to the bathroom before I get the mold for my teeth made?”

Lucifer nodded and almost audibly sighed in relief. He basked in the glory of having a child that wasn’t afraid of the dentist and faced their fears like an adult-

L!MC sprinted past the dentist’s office, they had busted out of the bathroom window.

“...Beel.”

“Yep.”

A few minutes later, Beel returned with a completely irate L!MC who was screaming their demands to be put down and be allowed to run for the hills. Taking advantage of the distraction, M!MC ran for the door again, only for Belphie to tap them on the forehead.

M!MC collapsed into a snoring heap on the floor.

“FATHER! DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS!” L!MC practically screamed as they tried to wrestle themselves out of Beel’s bear hug.

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “L!MC, calm yourself down. It’s just braces.”

“AS EVERYONE HERE AS MY WITNESSES I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! NEVER!”

The half-demons in need of braces were dragged right back into the dentist’s area... poor fools.

“They’ll be okay... right?” Luke asked.

“Of course they will be. It’s just braces.” Simeon patted Luke on the head. “They’ll both be fine.”

The scream that came from down the hall right after Simeon said that did not reassure anyone.

“Hey,” Mammon piped up. “How much do braces cost?”

“From what I know about dental procedures,” Satan rubbed his chin. “A few thousand Grimm.”

“Mammon if you try and run for that door I will cut your credit card into a thousand pieces.” Lucifer growled.

Overall, it was a fairly average trip to the dentist. 0/10 would not recommend. A few weeks later L!MC and M!MC were fitted with their mouth prisons- I mean braces, and the two cousins bonded over their horrific mouth pain...

Seriously- braces suck.

——————————————

So! Those are the headcanons! Four and a half whole parts... phew... To all the people who enjoyed this series, thank you so so much for reading! You guys have been so super nice!

Fret not, I plan on writing more for this universe! From what I know about season 2 of Obey Me things will get... interesting. Stay tuned for more! Or don’t, I can’t force you.

...or can I?

[bvllyhargrove]

I’ll Take You For A Ride (Billy Hargrove x Fem!Reader)

Summary - After fighting for your attention, Billy offers to drive you home...

Words- 3717

Notes - Too many sleepless nights went into this, I forgot how to write smut halfway through the scene and this was born... I promise it’s not too horrible. Let me know what you think! It’s my first time writing for Billy and I genuinely enjoyed it 

~~~

It was hot, the unforgiving Indiana sun rays beating down on your chest as you tried your best to stay in the shadow of your umbrella. You canceled out the joyous screams and laughter coming from the water as you relaxed, sunglasses perched gently on the bridge of your nose.

You could hear the soccer mom's just a few occupied seats from you, drone on about a new lemonade recipe they perfected - just in time for summer. Not even your friend's constant chatter didn't penetrate your eardrums as you mindlessly sipped the new recipe of Coke through the cheap plastic straw.

Lucas swore the new recipe tasted better than the original, and you loved the kid just enough to try it. Years of babysitting for The Sinclairs were both a blessing and a curse on your end. He's been trying to date you since he was a toddler.

"What about a job at the mall? Steve works there... at that ice cream place." Carol murmurs behind her pocket mirror. Somehow, In the hundred-degree heat, she still cared about her makeup. It was a blessing that it wasn't melting off of her.

"Give it up, he won't date you, he's dating Nancy Wheeler." Your eyes flicker over the crowded pool, lips turning down in disgust. There was no way in Hell that you would be caught dead in that water... with all of those kids... the mere thought made your skin crawl.

Carol shifted in her seat, moving the mirror away from her face to glare at you. "Uh, no he's not. Isn't Nancy Wheeler dating Jonathan Byers?" You shrugged, eyes slipping closed under your sunglasses.

"Ugh, Nancy is dating Jonathan? Like, barf me out..."

"What about the lifeguard? Do you know her?" You watched her descend the lifeguard stand, nibbling mindlessly on her whistle. Carol cocked an eyebrow, shaking her head.

"No, I've never seen her a- who is that...?" She tugged her sunglasses from her nose to glance at the shirtless male lifeguard making his way to take Heather's spot. "Is that Billy Hargrove? Holy shit."

Eyes turned to him, girls gaping as they walked past him. He was beautiful, the soft tan of his skin contrasting perfectly with the red of his swim trunks. You lifted your sunglasses as well, watching with mysterious eyes as he walked closer to you, sharing pleasantries with the soccer moms. He walked past you, his eyes lingering. He seemed to move in slow motion as you pull your bottom lip between your teeth - a movement that Billy noticed.  

"Afternoon girls." He spoke slowly, his tone dripping with seduction. You breathed out a hot sigh, the blazing hundred-degree heat feeling more like a thousand on your skin.

Carol shot him a smirk, eyes sultry. "Hi, Billy."

Billy's eyes rake down your body, chewing on the end on his whistle. "The shades... they're rad." He murmured, teeth still bitten down on the metal. You shook your head, looking down.

"Thank you, Billy."

"Anytime." He shot you a wink, glancing at Carol and giving her a smirk. He moved his gaze back in front of him as he continued his path to the lifeguard tower.

"Oh, my God. He totally was eyeing you up! Y/N, this is big!" She sat up, grabbing onto your arm obnoxiously.

"Not even." You fixed your shades, before taking your coke back in your hands and taking a tentative sip, turning your nose up at the flat texture of the drink.

"Even!" She nodded enthusiastically. "Go up there and talk to him!"

"Carol, no." You waved her off, moving to grab your flip flops. "But I am going to get a bottle of water. Come with?" After Carol shook her head 'no', you stood, grabbing your wallet and making your way to the concession stand, trying your best to dodge the icky, sweaty kids passing by you.

You arrived at the stand, breathing out a sigh when the shade of the roof covered your overheated body. A short line of consumers stood ahead of you, taking their time in ordering their overpriced soft drinks and sticky half-melted ice cream.

"What's your poison, I'm buying." You jumped, looking to your left where Billy stood next to you. A delicious sheen of sweat covered his body delicately, giving his rippling muscles a more defined look. You simply shook your head, reaching for your money.

"Do you think I'm incapable of buying my own water?" You scoff, stepping forward as the line grew sparse.

You weren't dumb, you've heard about The Billy Hargrove. The handsome seducer that made girls cream their pants with a mere smirk from him. You weren't that naive to fall into his trap, no matter how deep his icy glare or how tempting his full, pink smirk was as he worked a piece of spearmint gum between his teeth.

"Come on, princess, don't make me beg, now." He chuckles, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth. You fought back a gasp, turning your gaze dead in front of you. His laugh was impeccably deep, stirring something from inside of you.

Fuck. You were fucked.

"No need to beg. You're not a child." You shrugged, inching towards the counter. There was one more person in front of you and Billy was still glued to your side. He cocked an eyebrow, ghosting out another chuckle.

"Calling me a child, Y/N? That's not very nice..."

You ignored him, asking for water once you got to the concession stand. Billy shook his head in disbelief, once again, laughing.

"Now you're ignoring me... playing hard to get, hm? Well, lucky for you, I quite enjoy a challenge."

"Shove it up your ass, Hargrove." You snatched the water placed on the counter for you and went to fish money from your wallet.

"Put it on my tab, hm?" He spoke slowly before placing a hand on your lower back, leading you back to the pool area. You felt a rush of excitement course through you at the defiance you shown. You couldn't deny that you wanted Billy, but he didn't need to know that. Not yet.

~

You and your friend waited until the sun started to set and the pool emptied of the countless children before starting to pack up. Thoroughly exhausted and sweaty.

You dreamed of getting into the shower, standing under the cool spray as water cascaded down your back, washing the stink and dirt from the day down the drain. The shower was your happy place, a place you could be alone with your thoughts long enough without disruption.

You craved silence and peace...

"Hey, Y/N," Your eyes screwed shut as you halted in your steps towards the entrance. Billy pulled a cigarette from his jean pocket, lighting it quickly before taking a slow, steady drag of the cancerous haze.

He was dressed simply, a change from his shirtless torso and red swim trunks. His tight jeans hugged his slim legs almost breathtakingly perfect and his loose-fitting pale pink button-up barely even buttoned halfway down his sun-kissed, ab rippled chest.

"Go ahead and leave, Y/N's friend..." He waved Carol off haphazardly. The setting sun cast an almost terrifyingly angelic glow on his face, his light eyes reflecting the golden rays - luring you in.

Your body unofficially belonged to him, you knew it.

"Uh, okay? Are you okay with that, Y/N?" She rose her eyebrow at you, a slight teasing gaze painting her features. You shrugged, nodding slowly. You turned to Billy, crossing your arms over your chest in slight defiance.

"Don't make me beg," He stared back at you, blowing his mouthful of smoke in your face. You wanted to slap that smug look off of his face but you also loved it. Making him fight for what he wants. It's obvious he's never had to before.

"Get on your knees, cowboy. Beg."

"What?" Billy chuckled, looking to the ground. You shrugged, urging him on.

"You want to drive me home? You beg."

He flicked the grey-hot ash onto the pavement before hiking up the fabric of his jeans and falling on one knee in front of you. "I can't believe I'm doing this..." He mutters, peering up at you with childlike innocence. "Oh, please, Y/N. Please let me drive you home." He tucks a curl behind his ear, smirking up at you.

You pretended to ponder for a few seconds before nodding. "Fine. I'll let you drive me home. Get up." Billy smiles gratefully, standing back on his feet and taking another slow drag of his cigarette before flicking it onto the ground, stomping it out. He was graceful as he holds his hand out for you.

"Take my hand and I'll take you to the stars."

"How corny." Carol snickers behind you, moving back towards the gate and to her car. The rising sound of crickets reached the two of you as you stood under the pink and golden sky. It looked almost out of a cheesy storybook.

You found your eyes gazing into his mysterious blues. Looking, searching, wanting... all of him.

He turned away on his heel, the smirk never leaving his face as he leads you out of the enclosed space, twirling his keys on his finger as he waves goodbye to his co-workers. You felt a new kind of confidence as you walked out of the pool with Billy Hargrove.

"This is my baby - A '79 Chevy Camaro. She's two and a half tons of pure, undisputed muscle." He knocked on the hood, sending a dull, metallic bang throughout the parking lot.

"So, are you an engine head?" You inquired, stepping into the passenger seat carefully. You could tell he took pride in the blue-tinted car. as you looked around the black interior. It was clean - you weren't expecting that much.

The ashtray, however, was full. Discarded butts of old cigarettes decorated the small compartment. The car smelled of cologne and smoke. It smelled like Billy, that delicious scent you wouldn't let your sinuses erase.

He climbed into the driver's side, keeping the door ajar as he fumbled around in the glove compartment, elbow resting on your thigh as he glanced up at you with those oh, so sinful jet blue eyes and those majestically long eyelashes.

You never understood how this beautiful man could be such a douche. But that's how all of the pretty boys were - hormonal idiots waving their dicks around without a care.

He finally retrieved a half-empty pack of gum, holding it up to you as an invitation which you denied. He shrugged, sitting back up in his seat and popping the thin white stick of the dry mint-flavored chicle into his mouth.

"You sure you don't want a piece, princess?" He flicked the metallic paper out of the window, working the gum between his teeth with a precise gaze, centered directly onto you.

"Uh - no." You cleared your throat, looking back outside of your window, finally letting yourself breathe the musty outside air. He was quick, shifting the car in drive professionally. He pressed on the gas, jerking the car into drive spaztically, causing both of your bodies to fall back in the hard leather seats.

He zoomed out of the parking lot, leaving a cloud of tire smoke in its wake.

~

A few minutes into the drive, to where - you weren't quite sure; the heady rock music played loudly inside of the car, irritating your eardrums. You've told Billy to turn it down multiple times, to which he ignored, playing it off as he couldn't hear your pleads over the songs.

Eventually, he reached over, turning the volume down to near mute as he glanced over his shoulder at you.

"Tell me about yourself." He drummed on the steering wheel to nonexistent music, his steady hand barely gripping the wheel as he rested his elbow on his thigh.

"There's not much to know about me." You shrug, glancing back over to him. He's still rapping his fingers obnoxiously on the wheel, light brown boyish curls moving almost angelically in the harsh wind. "Oh, well, I'm a babysitter. I sit for the Sinclairs, The Wheelers, etc."

"Yeah? Then you tell that creepy kid Lucas to stop harassing my sister. I tried to tell the little shit to keep her distance but she enjoys going against me. It's like she has a deathwish." He grumbled, tone harsh. You furrowed your eyebrows at the tone before shrugging it off. He was a universal douche, you doubt he acted differently to his family.

"You have a sister?"

"She's not my sister, just someone I had the grave misfortune of living with." He chews on his bottom lip impatiently as he turns into the parking lot of Hawkins High. You look around the familiar scenery, suddenly confused as to why he picked a high school to grope you at.

You knew his intentions, you weren't stupid.

And you knew you weren't the first girl to get fucked in the backseat of his car.

"I'm going to cut to the chase, baby. I want you. I've wanted you since I've seen you around the halls at school. I wanted you when that saw that sinful fucking body in that swimsuit at the pool. And I want you now, shivering in my presence." He spoke slowly, deep and brooding as he shifted the car in park, taking off his seatbelt and hovering close to you just over the console. You could feel his hot, minty, nicotine-laced breath on your hot skin, knocking the breath from your lungs.

Fuck.

"W-what?" Internally you screamed, hating the tiny squeak that left your red-bitten lips. He laughed darkly, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth even further. They were slick with sheen, red and pouty in the setting sun. His silver chain dipped from his shirt, landing on your slightly exposed chest. You shivered, eyes flitting closed.

"Beautiful..." He leaned closer, enclosing his lips around yours with haste. The kiss was messy and hot, teeth clacking together and tongues dancing in one another's mouth. He panted hotly against you, sliding a hand around your waist and pulling you even closer.

His hands were heated and quick as they explored your body just under your swimsuit cover and onto your stomach, feeling the soft skin under his fingertips.

You were melting, his touch beckoning you in. You were already aching, the buzz of arousal already pooling between your clenched thighs.

He pulled away, quick. Panting against your sucked raw mouth, causing a low, high whine to escape your parted lips. You needed him but you weren't surprised that he was a tease. Always a fucking tease...

"Billy... no." You breathe, tasting him on your tongue. He tasted just how you thought, of cigarettes and mint. It was his smell, his taste. You couldn't get over it.

It made you dizzy, needy... for him.

"Oh, what's that, princess?" He teased slowly, keeping his eyes steadily staring into yours. You shook your head, parting your thighs.

"I need it."

He attached his lips to yours again, nibbling on your bottom lip and slipping his tongue into your awaiting mouth. You focused on his every movement, the pulsing ache in your cunt becoming more evident with every single drag of his lips. "Get in the backseat, I want you absolutely naked." His words are articulated and dense, and if you weren't wet before, you are now.

You were quick, shoving off your loose-fitting bathing suit cover-up as you climbed over the console, your bare feet pushing against the upholstery of the car. You could hear the low jingle of Billy unlatching his belt and pulling down his zipper - still sitting densely in the driver's seat. He rolls up the windows, looking around at the barren parking lot to ensure the both of you were alone.

Your hands were busy pulling and tugging at your suit, peeling the skin-tight material off of your body, leaving you exposed and panting, welcoming the cool summer night air on your skin.

He was dark and brooding as he climbed over the console, fully unbuttoned shirt clinging onto his shoulders and half-opened jeans sitting tightly on his hips. He ran his tongue over his slick top lip at the sight of you. You could make out the half-mast outline of his cock through his jeans, making you shudder.

He hovered himself over you, noses touching. You breathed in his carbon dioxide and he breathed in yours. You reached up to tangle your fingers in his curly locks, pulling him down to another passionate kiss, letting the first moan of the night slip from your lips as you felt the rough fabric of his jeans and the outline of his sizeable member rutting against your thigh.

You threw your head back against the window, grinding down into his touch. You couldn't focus on anything else as your wetness fell onto the seat underneath you, soaking your thighs. He caught onto your neediness. You were right where he wanted you, soaked and writhing under him.

"Off, take them off." You breathed out, moving your finger down to tug at the fabric. He let you, looking down to you with those fucking eyelashes. Everything about this rippling man was perfection.

You dipped your thumb into the waistband of his tight briefs, pulling them down just so you could sneak your hand under the fabric, cupping him tightly through his pants. He finally let his eyes slip shut, his pink lips parting in a silent moan. You let your nimble fingers explore his thick length, mapping out the prominent veins on the underside.

"That's enough." He shot open his eyes, sitting back on his heels and tugging off his jeans and boxers, tossing them in the front seat haphazardly before taking his entire length in his hands, stroking his hand over it with a sly smirk.

"Like what you see?" He takes his free hand, spitting crudely in the palm before spreading it on the head of his already leaking cock. You bite out another moan, chewing on your bottom lip.

"Jesus fucking Christ..." You mutter, rubbing your thighs together, eager and begging wet-lipped for friction. You needed it, craved it, even.

"Language," He warned, hovering back on top of you, keeping himself balanced as one hand blindly leads his length towards your weeping cunt. It took all of your might to not sink down him as he pressed the head of his cock inside of you, watching your face intently as it twisted and morphed into one of utter pleasure, even pain as he stretched you out as no other man has before.

His hands grazed your skin, dull nails scratching down the insides of your thighs as he impaled himself deeper and deeper inside of you, keeping his bottom lip prisoner between his teeth, like always. You fisted his hair, already dampened with sweat as you tried to get used to the uncomfortable stretch.

Slowly, that pain morphed into immense pleasure, sending your eyes rolling back in your head. He bottomed out, leaning down to kiss and bite at your neck, leaving the skin irritated with his hickeys. You cried out at the contradicting feelings, wanting to focus on the hot wetness of his mouth but also needing him to just give in and fuck you already.

You let out a strangled sob as he rocked into your tight cunt, his mouth parted so perfectly the entire time, and his god-like eyelashes casting shadows onto his boyish face.

You found yourself staring at him, taking in his blissed-out expression as sharp moans fell from your lips. There was a refreshing gentility to how he fucked you - he rolled his hips into you, savoring how your walls clenched and spasmed around him

The air was hot with perspiration as he finally focused eye contact on you, curling his lips into a smirk as he strengthened his thrusts, nearly at the point of punishing as you already felt your orgasm flip and jump in the pit of your stomach.

"B-Billy!" You moaned, wrapping your legs around him tight, trying to get him deeper. You needed him deeper. Your toes curled, legs spasming as you felt the tip of his cock brush against that silvery sweet spot inside of you that made you scream at the top of your lungs

The hot leather stuck to the skin on your back, chafing the skin as you focused on your impending orgasm, sneaking up on you sinfully as you fisted at Billy's locks. "I-I'm close." You bit out, doing anything to get more friction where you needed it the most. He didn't take his eyes off of yours, drinking in your drunk off of pleasure expression as he fucked you into heaven.

"Cum, baby. Cum all over my cock, hm?" He whispered, nostrils flaring as his breathing picked up. He muttered out a string of curse words, eyes slipping shut as he used your cunt like a toy, chasing his impending orgasm.

It didn't take you much longer before you were seizing under him, cunt spasming and quaking around his length as you came, your hot liquids gushing around him. Your eyes fluttered as you fucked yourself down onto his cock. Still needing to feel every single inch of him.

You were whining with sensitivity, unwinding your arms from Billy as you grip the car seat for purchase. His thrusts barely faltered as he reached his high, throwing his head back in a guttural moan as he pulled out unexpectedly, letting the head of his already weeping cock fall on your lower stomach, letting his cum paint your sweat sticky stomach.

"Fuck! You fucking - Uh!!" The muscles in his arms tensed beautifully, allowing you to make out every defined tendon and vein. You bit down on your lip, the sticky cum on your stomach already drying.

"Take me home now?" Your arms shook as you sat up, everything single part of you in disarray. You sat in a pool of your sticky arousal, grimacing when you felt your skin peel away from the leather.

He simply chuckled, shaking his head. "Oh, no princess. I have plans for you." He scooted closer to you, dragging a finger down your chin. "Big plans."

[kryptidkat]

sneak peek!

in honor of the extremely kind and talented artists who made fanart for my prank war series (thank you again @angelface-the-robot-cowboy @poisonviles and @ravenxbones!) here’s a scene from the upcoming sequel to Give Party a Heart Attack — Make Kobra Move To Australia. Going along with the spirit of good ol’ platonic fun, I’m hoping to have the whole thing finished in time to release for Palentine’s Day on Feb. 13, but meanwhile...enjoy. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snap. 

Kobra started, jostling Cherri’s patched-together computer setup. 

“Stop bumping the thing, I’m trying to get all these cables in,” Cherri admonished. 

“Sorry.” Kobra shot a glare across the room at his brother before returning his attention to their project. 

Cherri was trying to read a usb drive he’d found, but the only working computer they had at the moment was a Commodore 64, so they were trying to wire that up to a television screen and assemble a chain of like, 30 different adapters so they could find out what was on it. 

As far as the prank war went, he and Kobra had more tricks up their sleeve (and had burned their original battle strategy poster in the shed lest anyone find it; they were way past organized planning now) but they were still biding their time, hoping to catch Party off guard. 

Party himself was in fine form this morning, doing absolutely nothing useful and getting in everyone’s way while doing it. He was sporting heavy eyeliner and one of his shortest crop tops and sassily chewing a massive wad of gum he’d gotten from somewhere, popping extremely loud bubbles with it. 

Snap. 

Cherri grimaced a little. Only Party could make something as innocuous as Juicy Fruit seem so...obscene.

It wasn’t just his and Kobra’s nerves Party was getting on. Jet was already rolling his eye appealingly to the ceiling. And Ghoul was getting steadily more and more tense as he hunched over a table messing with a tangled mess of wires. 

Party looked over Ghoul’s shoulder, chomping noisily. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Very sensitive bomb stuff! Sans detonator, but still. Stop, you’re gonna get that shit in my hair. What is your deal?”

Party gave him a sharp smile, obviously dying to be asked. “Devil May Dare game tonight.” 

“So I’d heard,” Ghoul said. 

“And this time, I—” Party came around the table opposite Ghoul, pulling a broken-off matchstick out of his pocket to show him with a flourish— “am the Devil.”

“Seriously? Again?”  said Ghoul. “Please tell me you didn’t rig the straw-drawing.” 

“What’s Devil May Dare?” The Girl came running in. 

“Suicidal,” Jet said. 

“No one’s died!” Party protested. 

“Yet.” 

“It’s not that bad!”

“Oh really?” Jet said. “Last time you came home with double shiners, Nick O’ Time broke his nose, Daisy Dukes got stabbed in the spleen and Pony went head over skates into the Cactus Pit of Death, and you still think it’s a good idea?”

“That was one time! And my championship is on the line here! I have a winning streak to keep up, okay?”

“By running around in the dark trying to get yourself and other joys killed?” 

“BUT WHAT IS IT?” the Girl yelled when no one answered her fast enough. She tried to climb up Jet. “I wanna know!”

Jet sighed and hoisted her up piggyback style so she could hold on while he kept checking batteries and shoving dead ones into their charging docks. 

“Imagine the unholy union of guerrilla paintball, capture the flag, and lasertag. In the dark,” he told her. “Idiotic people bet on it, and even more idiotic people play it.”

“Sounds about right,” Party said. 

The girl wrinkled her nose. “Doesn’t sound that dangerous. Can I come?”

“No,” Jet said.

“Aw, c’mon! My whole life is a game of lasertag, Jet pleaaase.”

“When you’re older,” Party said. “Maybe.” He popped his gum right next to Ghoul’s ear. Snap.

Ghoul’s hands clenched into fists. “Stop. Don’t you have stuff to pack or something?”

“Oh, I’ve been packed for days,” Party said. “Glow-in-the-dark paint, flashlights, the works.”

“Where is it this time, Poison?” Cherri wanted to know.

“The old amusement park.” 

“Oh, fuck you!” Ghoul exclaimed, envious. “I wanna go now.” 

“Hey, don’t blame me for you getting yourself banned!” Party said. He hung over Ghoul’s the back of Ghoul’s chair again and purred, “Explosives were clearly prohibited in the rules.” 

Snap. 

“Would you quit that?” Ghoul said, jerking his head away and rubbing his ear. The noise had to be deafening with his hearing aids on. “They were just flashbangs. I don’t know why everyone raised such a fuss about it.” 

“Who’s going?” the Girl said.

“Anyone stupid enough to join in,” Party said with a grin. 

“Your words, not mine,” Jet said.

“Hail the brave of heart, and dumb of ass,” Cherri couldn’t help muttering to Kobra, whose mouth twitched.

“Burners, mostly,” Party went on, regally ignoring them. “Some rock’n’rollers. Pony. Chimp. The Buzzkills usually get in on the action, too.”

“Next time I’m totally going.” The Girl declared. Curiosity satisfied for now, she slid off Jet’s back and ran off again. 

“It’s gonna be hella rad.” Party said dreamily, already there in his head. He was still hanging over Ghoul’s shoulder, chewing obnoxiously. 

“Party,” Kobra spoke up, sounding unhappy. “Are you su…”

“I let you race all the time!” Party shot his brother a get off my back look. But he must have picked up on the genuine concern in Kobra’s tone that Devil May Dare these days sounded like a panic attack just waiting to happen, because he added breezily, “Pony’ll be there, remember? I’ll radio if I die.” 

Cherri guessed the game might be good practice, actually. Controlled environment, no life-and-death stakes. 

“Shiny. No way relying on Pony could go wrong.” Kobra grumbled, but he let it drop. “Just be careful. Second input, Cher. Blue cable.” 

“Sorry, try this?” Cherri switched cords. 

Party started to blow another bubble, and Ghoul kicked his chair back with a screech of metal on tile. 

The sound was so loud it turned everyone’s heads. 

“I said, stop.” Ghoul put a hand on Party’s chest, backing him up until he ran into a chair and couldn’t retreat any further. Party’s eyes went wide. 

Nose inches from the taller joy’s, Ghoul stood on his tiptoes and bit the giant bubble himself with a snap of teeth. 

It deflated onto a completely flabbergasted Party’s face. 

The diner fell into stunned silence. 

“I’ve got 17 carbons riding on you.” Ghoul’s voice had dropped to a husky growl. “So you’d better score big tonight.” 

Ghoul reached up with his free hand, stripped the gum off Party’s face, and shoved it into his own mouth. Staring Party down the whole time. 

And walked away. 

Party sank into the chair, expression blank with shock. 

“Witch almighty,” Jet said faintly. 

“I knew Ghoul had personal space issues, but. Damn,” Cherri murmured to Kobra. “Are they usually like that?” 

Kobra gulped. “Totally,” he said. “They...they fight all the time.” 

[tearlessrain]

all right time for Scorpion King: Book of Souls Liveblog Part 2

we last left bootleg xena and zach mcgowan’s abs in ancient egyptian jello narnia with a mostly naked lady who is also a book and her wildly unnecessary comic relief rock golem friend and there might even have been hints of a plot. I have a feeling it’s only downhill from here.

we’re back to the people who gallop around menacingly on horses and their completely normal bird that keeps getting screentime for some reason. their specific objectives remain unclear, as they have been for the entire movie.

oh hey they found the mad max tribe, maybe there actually was a point to the interlude earlier

shut up mediocre henchman 5 I still hate you

hm, nope, still no point to this. they just rode away again. menacingly.

please someone make the cockney rock golem stop talking

she has been trying to seduce matthias since she first came on screen and despite the fact that they’ve known each other for five minutes I have a sinking feeling that it’s going to work before this movie is over

ookay the rock golem is afraid of fire, that makes sense.

WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT THIS BIRD IT’S A NORMAL GODDAMN BIRD IT HASN’T DONE ANYTHING

oh thank god they’re leaving the rock golem behind in jello narnia

living the dream, book lady

yep here we go with the romantic subplot nobody asked for between two people who met like three hours ago at most

is he the only man she’s ever seen because like. talk about setting the bar high

here come the menacing riders, riding menacingly

NOBODY LIKES YOU, MEDIOCRE HENCHMAN 5

oh yes I think xena’s finally gonna kill this fucker

and now we can just watch zach mcgowan kill people which is really what 90% of the movie’s content should have been in the first place

HE KILLED MEDIOCRE HENCHMAN 5 WE ARE FREE.

oh fuck the rock golem is back and they’re bringing him to a market

this movie’s plot is so vague as to be on the verge of doing a full 180 into “dadaist masterpiece”

now I’m not saying I expected better from the direct to DVD fifth sequel of a spinoff of a reboot of The Mummy but it needs to be said just once: why is the scorpion king a white guy

okay there we go back to killing people don’t worry about things like plot and why they all have vaguely british accents

ah he has learned from the last time he beat up a bunch of ninjas, no getting shot this time

[Black Sails theme playing on a single kazoo in the distance]

at least the boat’s too small for them to get any time alone together and progress the unneeded romance

oh hey it’s glowy eye dude who we haven’t seen since the prologue despite his being the main antagonist. I like that dude. mostly for his rad aesthetic.

ooooh glowy eye dude killed bootleg xena’s brother who we’ve literally never seen or heard of before book lady explained it

and apparently she’s the last remaining heir so we’ve got the queen of nubia, the king of... scorpions, I guess, a human book, and a golem all on a boat. I feel like I’ve literally been in this D&D party.

there’s that bird again seriously why, there had better be payoff for this. maybe the bird is secretly anubis or something. which would be weird, since anubis is the one with the jackal head, but I can’t think of another reason to keep drawing this much attention to it.

there had also better be a damn good payoff to the golem being afraid of fire because it’s getting really annoying

OH MY GOD A GIANT ROCK

they very clearly didn’t give zach mcgowan any direction regarding what accent he’s supposed to have because he’s just trying them all out

imagine if he’d just smashed the head clean off that stone sphynx and it turned out there was nothing in there

book lady has taken over for prologue narrator I guess

what is with this anubis, this is like a deviantart anubis. this is just “abs for days: the movie”

okay evil xena, “men are simple” isn’t really a fair thing to say considering you shot him with a poison dart. falling over after someone shoots you with a poison dart isn’t really a gendered thing. and like she didn’t try to seduce him first or anything she just walked in, shot him, and said that as if it was somehow relevant.

oh it’s the mad max tribe yet again. maybe THIS time they’ll have a purpose.

nope they’re just here to comment as the plot coincidentally passes them on the way to somewhere else. okay.

okay so maybe the blacksmithing and hunting and badass fighting and full on nudity haven’t been enough to distract you from how bad the writing is. don’t worry fam we’ve got you.

it’s like they’ve got a checklist or something

at least the ugly and useless leather armor thing is gone though

okay know what as an aside, shoutout to this random ass bird that gets almost as much screentime as the actual protagonist yet has done nothing except completely normal bird things for the entire movie

“before I kill him let’s see how he fights” well you just signed your own death sentence. see even your wife who can see the fourth wall knows this is a mistake.

glow eye dude is entirely too good of an actor for the lines he was given, this is like watching jeremy irons in eragon

wow I mean you could just kill book lady, setting her on fire seems excessive.

uh I was joking before but he appparently actually is the literal king of scorpions. and getting stung by them is I guess what activates his powers. being the scorpion king SUCKS.

wow it didn’t half work though, he just samsoned right out of those chains. good thing it wasn’t a bamboo and string cage, or he would have been trapped for good.

hell yeah finally a showdown between glow eye dude and zach mcgowan. this is why I’m here.

wait, the mad max tribe is back. maybe THIS time they’ll do something relevant!

yeah there they go. finally. killed psychic wife

random bird approves.

and now it’s just everybody fighting everybody so in other words the movie is looking up

evil xena vs good xena FIGHT

I can’t believe the fucking golem was the one who finally destroyed the sword.

so now the mcguffan is just freaking gone and matthias and evil guy are just punching the shit out of each other for the hell of it and I’m not even mad

I mean I guess one of them still has to be defeated but still

he just fuckin Simba’d that guy right into the fire

like can we please take a moment to appreciate that this is the exact fight choreography and aesthetic from the lion king

to the point that there was a literal lion roar sound as the guy died??? I’m not even kidding what the hell

“and we helped!” - the mad max tribe

oh the sword wasn’t destroyed. but at least the rock golem is gone so that’s something.

“remember who you aaaaaare” - the mad max tribe

ooooh he must choose between destroying the evil sword and the life of book lady, his true love who he met yesterday

I mean don’t get me wrong I’m sad to see her go she was one of the least annoying characters, but still you could have cut out the mad max tribe and developed her more so this would have more impact

aaaand THERE’s the obligatory tragic kiss

honestly though know what I can’t begrudge her this, it’s not like I wouldn’t do the same thing if I were a human book living alone in a tomb and some absurdly attractive dude just showed up one day and was like “climb on my horse so we can gallop sexily across a beach.” that’s completely reasonable.

matthias... I don’t feel so good...

(I’m sorry I had to)

that looks like it should be the cover of a drug store romance novel. maybe after the cowboy fad dies the next one will be “white guys who are kings of ancient egypt for absolutely no discernable reason”

NARRATOR! I missed you my dude.

he never forgot his destiny again. still no mention of exactly what his destiny is or even what exactly he’s king of aside from about two dozen literal scorpions

but seriously “getting stung by scorpions” is the absolute worst superpower ever. no wonder he abandoned his destiny to be a blacksmith, I would too.

there he goes

well that was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be but somehow even more so. gratuitous fanservice and absolutely no substance or meaningful plot, 10/10 would not watch again but had a great time watching it once. roughly on par with Eragon but this time ancient egypt flavored.

that bird never ended up doing anything, by the way. 10/10 completely useless but extremely photogenic bird.

[believerindaydreams]

Did you know there's a Native American reservation on the other side of Lake Mead?

That sure informed the next part! Into the fire, no 5

"Why did we get a Brahmin at all, if you won't ride it?"

"She's in milk right now, which Brahmin notoriously can't do if they're being used to haul," Carla says. "I'll walk."

"You're six months pregnant."

"And I made it back here from Flagstaff without losing the baby. Strolling up the road to New Vegas is child's play by comparison."

I look to Manny for help; he coughs. "We did walk some of it...but most of that's Hualapai territory and you go by water. Legion doesn't actually control the Hakataya, but the right of free passage is older than the war and they're abusing the privilege to the hilt. That's why the Fort is so ridiculously close to the front, it's as far from the action as he was allowed to put it."

"Or was. Don't see why Caesar wouldn't wipe them out like the other eighty-something tribes."

"Solar electric fences that the government installed to stop tourists wrecking the entire Grand Canyon ecosystem, back in the day," Arcade pipes up. "I'm not sure if anybody asked the locals before those were installed...the Boneyard had a few examples, though not in functional condition."

"Point is," Carla says. "Barring a wet nurse, that Brahmin needs to be coddled in case the baby made it through and I didn't. I'm not going to assume that wherever we end up is civilised enough to have wet nurse volunteers, so-precautions."

"You'll be fine," Manny says heartily. "Look at those hips. You have great hips for this."

"Not the point, but thank you."

"Is anyone going to actually name our beast of no burden?" Arcade asks. "I believe Betsy is traditional."

"No naming cattle after First Recon members," I say.

"Ah. Bessie?"

"Why a B name at all?" Carla asks.

"Uh. The alliteration makes it traditional, I believe."

"Call her Cow," Manny says, with satisfaction. "That's traditional."

Silence.

"Not the most imaginative," Arcade ventures.

"Funnier than Bessie, though," Carla says. "I'll second that."

I puff a cigarette and say nothing; so Cow carries the day.

*****

They haven't even spent that long in Novac, comparatively; but it's been so hectic that it feels like it's been forever since he was last on the road. Arcade watches the sunrise with measured enjoyment; what he's supposed to be doing is keeping guard and he's taking that responsibility seriously.

Walk by night, sleep by day. Not recommended in the more chaotic parts of the Mojave but on a main road like this it's given practice. They've got plenty to carry.

Boone and Manny have their guns and all the requisite paraphernalia to worry about, he has twenty pounds of weapons and ammo just to start with. Throw in food, water, Carla's sewing machine and hat making supplies, and the trinkets of three people's lives, they're almost at the limit even with Cow hauling the tent and Carla carrying a modest load. Mostly baby things, she says.

Some power armor would certainly come in handy right now. He chews his lip, considering- he would like it back, very badly in all honesty, but without Daisy no password and no getting into the bunker, end of. Unless Orion or Judah have some tucked away in.a cellar, and even them...no. Who knows what Washington will be like, but unobtrusive has to be the way to go.

Story of his life, really.

He digs a chunk of compressed honey mesquite cake from his doctor's bag, nibbles at it. There's so many hostages to fortune in his life now. Boone had seemed as safely closed off as any intelligently selfish paramour he's dallied with, and now-

Well, he's his mother's son after all, and he knows how fiercely her loyalties ran to the other Remnants, can see very clearly how he could end up the same way. Lover and wife and child all as important as the one he found and needed, critical because they're critical to Boone.

It's frightening. Individual lives are so much more fragile than a cause like the Followers; they carry the burden of risk.

Sun's risen properly now. No sign it was ever modestly hidden behind the horizon.

Arcade tries to keep his breathing calm, thinking of what he'd do if something happens to any of them; and belatedly realises he'd already be in too deep not to register loss.

*****

Never been so glad to see the 188. Bump on the road to Vegas, but a safe bump.

Manny opens a pouch and counts out caps on the bar counter. "Beer for me, purified water for the lady, whiskey for my man here-"

"Beer is fine." Whiskey will taste like missing Carla, like the haunted Sierra Madre, until I'm laid out flat and buried. If I don't drink it again that'll be too soon.

"Finally! Took you long enough- what's your poison?" He nods at Arcade.

"Nuka-Cola. Iced if you have it."

"Nope, just the regular. Rest I can do for you," Samuel says, fetching bottles. "Any news down Novac way? The last patrol never made it back."

"None so we've noticed." Manny sips at his beer; I knock back most of mine at a gulp. Still not my thing, but it's cheaper than most alcohol.

"Glad to hear it. They did say as there was a massacre as a Followers station-"

Arcade chokes on his soda; it's Carla who asks the obvious while he's getting his breath back. "Not the big one? The Old Mormon Fort?"

"What, up New Vegas way? No, no, this was a small one east of here, by the train tracks. Some say it was Legion, but I had two different cowboys who swore up and down it was power armor, and we all know what that means-"

Arcade gives up on his drink and pushes the bottle away, looking sick.

"Brotherhood. Skulking around the place, I daresay."

"Oh. Right."

Manny gives me a look, at the color starting to come back to Arcade's face; I flick a finger in a circular motion. Later.

All the chaos, I haven't even told him and Carla about his Enclave ties. Hell of a thing to leave out. Too many things I'm hiding from my wife, that isn't good either.

Carla nudges him. "You going to drink that soda?"

"Bad for the baby," I say. Who the hell knows what's in that stuff.

"I'll risk it."

"No, no. I'll make the sacrifice." Arcade finishes it at a gulp.

Carla rolls her eyes and resumes her purified water.

***

They set up the tent beneath the overpass, out of the sun and convenient to grass for Cow, who's taking the travel well. Carla's getting the lion's share of milk for its anti-rad properties, but even after she puts up a morning dose in damp maize husks, there's still a bottle to split three ways.

Manny and Boone pass it back and forth while pitching stakes; Arcade finishes his share once they're done, cosy inside a tent that's comfortable for all its sparsity. Folding table and chairs, portable radio, a bedroll that looked big when they were packing but is definitely too small in the field, and a scrap of a stove that takes one microfusion cell a day and will dehydrate a steak in four minutes flat. Orion Moreno would hate it, affectionado of power armor napping that he is.

Arcade can't help liking it. A Followers tent with slightly more amenities, if slightly more people than he'd prefer. There's a bedroll back in Freeside that literally has his name on it, along with a few other things good to have before they drop off the map.

Spare glasses, definitely. Sack of farming tools, caps hidden inside said bag. The plasma defender that he'd had the sense not to bring to the Legion camp, which will undoubtedly end up as his primary weapon again once this amazing holorifle breaks down. The broc flower tea mix he drinks when it's too early for his Nuka-Cola addiction.

For that matter, broc flowers and xander roots. The NCR has a whole bureaucracy on reestablishing floral diversity, but the one thing they have conclusively settled is that since those plants are toxic to no intelligent life of any sort, are edible and healing, and can't seem to reproduce without human intervention, dissemination is probably fine.

Part of the reasoning for which had been the research for his own doctoral thesis. He's still smug about that, or would be if anybody outside of the Followers intelligentsia understood in enough detail to comprehend the niceties.

Maybe he should explain that to Boone. Yeah.

It's bound to be a long trip to DC, after all.

[trendingnewsb]

4 Lazy Character Shortcuts Hollywood Can’t Stop Using

The best movie characters are usually the ones whom we sort of identify with. Whether they’re a simple middle-class teenager or a grizzled Matthew McConaughy playing a nihilistic detective trying to find aliens from the future inside a black hole, they work because when they make decisions, we get it. We learn who they are and understand them. Sometimes, though, writers don’t really have time for that shit. Instead, they use some kind of shorthand which (they hope) will have the same profound effect with far less effort. This usually doesn’t work at all. Particularly when …

4

Sudden Sacrifices Are A Substitute For Heroism

What is more powerful than one human being sacrificing their own life to save others, usually to the accompaniment of an orchestra that sounds like it’s about to parade through the screen? You could probably base a whole religion around it. In the world of Hollywood screenwriting, sacrifices can also be written in not to provide a satisfying end to a character’s arc, but to add instant heroism to a character we barely know.

Read Next

Why We Can't Take Our Eyes Off The Things We Hate

Kong: Skull Island (which I think is a great movie) includes a bunch of dispensable soldier characters who are tailor-made to be ape food. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m a fan of slasher films, so I have an appreciation for characters who only exist to say “Hey, guys, what was that noise?” But then, while under an assault from mutant reptiles, one of the soldiers, Captain Cole, pulls out two grenades and stares down one of the beasts. The rest of the cast does the typical “NO! DON’T DO THIS!” thing, like the audience is expected to. No, don’t do it, guy with literally two personality traits.

The guy’s plan goes awry and he ends up being a bloodstain on the side of a cliff, but that’s beside the point. The point is … well, what is the point? The sacrifice doesn’t add a dimension to his character, nor does it say anything poignant about him. Instead, it just makes him look like he’s very bad at thinking through decisions. You’re stranded on an island with a monster ape and ubiquitous leviathans, and your plan is to waste yourself and two precious grenades with your patented “Stand there and hope” maneuver?

Of course, they also did this with Superman at the end of Batman v Superman, in a Hail Mary effort to give us some reason to care. They did the same in I Am Legend, in which Will Smith sacrifices himself to maybe blow up some of the zombies, which is such a pointless act that the director’s cut has Will Smith not do that.

And remember Chappie, that Black Mirror episode, but with more decapitations? At the end of that, Ninja — played by Ninja of the rap group Die Antwoord — tries to sacrifice himself in dramatic slow motion, as if the movie is under the impression that we liked his character. He just spent two hours cursing and emotionally abusing a childlike robot. Sacrifice away, idiot.

If they want us to care, they need to scroll backward a few dozen pages in the script and write the character as someone we’ll either be sad to see go or happy to see redeemed. Oh, and the character needs to stay dead.

3

Making A Character Suddenly Badass (In A Way That Makes No Sense)

There’s nothing better than when a badass character gets a badass payoff. My boys in the Dragon Ball franchise are constantly training so that when the time comes, they can triumphantly punch holes through people. This is immensely satisfying because you, the viewer, get to anticipate seeing them use their skills. There is build-up. So it’s baffling whenever “badass” characters either get that way out of nowhere, or are assigned badass traits that don’t fit their progression at all, like if The Karate Kid ended with Daniel challenging Johnny to a snowmobile race.

Take Arya Stark in Game Of Thrones. A big point is made that she’s not built for swordplay. Her cranky travel companion Sandor Clegane points out that her tiny frame and flimsy sword is useless in a gritty fantasy universe full of giant men in armor. Thus, she learns how to work with poisons and magic disguises, leading us to believe that she’ll be pulling off some rad espionage tactics to fool bad guys who could crush her skull like an egg. Instead, within a couple of seasons, Arya becomes Jason Bourne Lite, shrugging off stabbings and doing sweet parkour. Later, she faces off in a practice duel with giant sword master Brienne and outmaneuvers her easily, smirking the whole time.

Regardless of the fact that she is never shown acquiring that level of skill, the problem is that this character is now superhuman and is in no way someone you can identify with.

Writers can’t resist this, even when a lack of combat training is the entire point of a character. This happens in the recent Death Wish remake, in which Bruce Willis, a surgeon, suddenly becomes a mix of Jigsaw and Rambo, all because he lost his family … and he’s a surgeon? This movie had a lot of problems, but at the very least, it could’ve made sense. I can’t claim to know what they teach you at medical school, but I sincerely doubt it involves target practice. I mean, not yet, anyway. But they couldn’t think of any other way to have him beat the bad guys.

And look, I love Harry Potter‘s Neville Longbottom, but the whole point of him is that he’s a clumsy, nerdy boob. He continues to be that for the first seven and a half movies, until his arc completes with him … cutting a giant snake’s head off in slow motion with a sword? Why? At no point in the series are we clamoring for Neville to be the guy who decapitates magic serpents. He’s shown as having talents — specifically, using magical plants — but all of that goes out the window because in the end, being a hero only means being great with traditional fighting techniques.

I’m not saying that Neville should’ve been watering the shrubs while Voldemort was attacking, but maybe give us something more in line with his character. He can be cool without being Conan. Hell, Breaking Bad spent its whole run inventing ways for a sickly chemistry teacher to defeat drug lords who are stronger and more well-armed than he is. They didn’t simply make him suddenly good at ninjutsu.

2

Gritty “Realism” Is Conveyed Through Ceaseless Cursing

People curse in real life. They do it in the car, they do it in the bedroom, they do it when they’re in line at Gamestop and GODDAMN, RICHARD, THE TRADE-IN VALUES ARE NOT GONNA BE THAT GOOD NO MATTER HOW MANY “PRO” POINTS YOU HAVE, SO GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT, SHITLIZARD. But since lots of movies are shooting for PG-13 and network TV shows usually try to be family friendly, they have to keep it clean. When creators find themselves without those restrictions, they tend to go hog-wild.

So I get it, prestige TV dramas. You get to put on your HBO/Showtime Big Boy Pants, and you naturally want to curse a lot because Mom and Dad aren’t around to tell you no. But do so many characters absolutely need to do it like they’re auditioning for a Rob Zombie film? For example, the sister character Debra is the heart and soul of Dexter, considering the show reminds you at all times that the titular character lacks a heart and soul. But there are ways to illustrate that she’s deep and troubled other than peppering all of her dialogue with curses that make her sound as if she’s just discovered Urban Dictionary. You know, like actually giving her an important role on the show? That’s just my two cents.

It comes up in Game Of Thrones, which desperately wants to be Definitely Not Lord Of The Rings, and Boardwalk Empire, which desperately wanted to be Definitely Not The Godfather, or Deadwood, which desperately wanted to be Definitely Not Renewed For A Fourth Season. I love you, Deadwood. I live and breathe you, Deadwood. But holy shit, it’s hard to market a cowboy show, much less a cowboy show that constantly plays like a Greek tragedy and includes an errant dropping of “fuck” every six seconds.

Compare that (again) to a show like Breaking Bad, which was only allowed one or two F-words per season. When they come, they actually have impact. When Skyler reveals to Walter that she’s sleeping with her boss, it’s “I fucked Ted.” Not “I’ve been messing around with Ted,” or “I let Ted play on my slippery dulcimer, if ya’ know what I mean.” It’s a gut punch. The fact that, realistically, she’d probably say it that way is just icing on the cake.

Some of you might say that these shows use gratuitous nudity in exactly the same way (that is, because they can), but at least beautiful naked people is a selling point. Who’s out there saying, “Man, I’m not crazy about the plot of that show, but some of the cursing is amazing. It gave me a full erection.”

1

Geeky Characters Are Defined Only By Their Ability To Spout Pop Culture References

A lot of people in the world are geeks. Not me. I only talk about Digimon when I’m drunk. But a lot of people are. And you’d think that since “geeky” interests are so commonplace, we’d get more great geeky characters in pop culture. Characters that we see aspects of ourselves in. Sadly, what we do get are shows like Big Bang Theory, or characters like Steve Urkel from Family Matters, Ross Gellar from Friends, Morgan from Chuck, Noah from the Scream TV show, and about 75 percent of the denizens of Kevin Smith movies. These are characters who don’t make geekiness look fun. Instead, they drag it around like a cross, burdened by their own existence.

I would probably relate to more “geeky” film characters if the writers knew how to identify them as geeks without having them bleat like farm animals about Star Wars or Dungeons & Dragons. Either that or they’re like Spencer from Criminal Minds, who refuses to shut up about how his special, powerful, super computer brain works differently from the average brain. He’s supposed to be likable, but I’ve never met a single likable person who went into detail about how much smarter he or she is than most of the population.

It’s like they’re so afraid that we won’t get it unless they crank it up to cartoonish levels. The “funny” control room employee in Jurassic World wears a Jurassic Park shirt with the original movie’s logo on it. That’s great! It builds his character and it adds to the theme of the movie that you probably shouldn’t recklessly commodify prehistoric beasts. But he then explains why he wears that shirt and how much it costs and how much he loved the first Jurassic Park, and any chance we had of identifying with him goes out the window. If I buy a Spider-Man shirt, I don’t go around the mall asking people about their favorite Doctor Octopus moments; I just wear the shirt.

It’s so strange because you’d assume that most writers are themselves geeks, the ones who have to borrow clothes to attend a red carpet premiere and then are kept far away from the cameras. You have to imagine them toiling away on their sitcom pilot thinking, “Hmmm … what would a geek say in this situation? It’s so hard for a cool, sexy beast like me to put myself in their mindset. I know, I’ll have them suddenly speak Klingon.”

Daniel has a Twitter, which he uses as a platform to yell about Pokemon.

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Lil Uzi Vert “Luv Is Rage 2″ Album Commentary

I’m excited that this Album is here… But at the same time it makes me a little bit sad that the twitter jokes about it never being released will cease now. I think I put the first Luv Is Rage mixtape as my rap album of the year in 2015, which makes it hard for me to know what to expect from this one. It’ll either be a classic, or an audio version of whatever Lil Uzi’s hair is doing right this very moment. Let’s not waste anymore time here, and instead just shoulder roll our way into Luv Is Rage 2:

1) Two:

Calling the first track on your album “Two” is a piss off, Uzi… But this song’s beat got the trademark accordion over it and I am instantly lulled into being okay by it. This track leads off right where Luv Is Rage ended,which is fire.. Sure, now he’s rapping about fame being poisonous and money being evil BUT shit slaps stupid hard and I can suspend my concern for his personal well being for at least as long as this song lasts.

3.5/5

2) 444+222:

EITHER SLOW DOWN WITH YOUR DIRECTIONS OR DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, MR UZI VERT. I’m also not doing math so your probably clever song title is completely lost on my dumb ass!!!!! This song has me voguing into a broken mirror while thinking about all the girls who have ever wronged me. I’m flash dancing in my back yard, nae naeing at the thought of my own death. This is a total stripper joint, but don’t be surprised if some of them dancers recognize the sadness in Lil Uzi’s voice and shake their titties wild mournfully and make all of the perverts watching reflect on their own shit.

4/5

3) Sauce It Up:

Coincidentally, this song title is exactly what I tell the drive thru dicks at Wendy’s when they ask me which one (1) sauce I want with my six (6) orders of the dollar menu  Five (5) piece nugget. This song is sort of about nothing, but it has the cutest fucking line lmao check it out: “I WAS ON THE PHONE, YEAH WITH PLAYBOI CARTI - COMMES DES GARCON, HEARTS ALL ON MY CARDI” lol that’s silly as hell I love it, who the hell calls a cardigan a cardi? Tegan And Sara fans do. I do. This is the first song on the tape that hasn’t made me want to call a distress hotline on Lil Uzi’s behalf.

3.5/5

4) No Sleep Leak:

This song stupid as fuck but in a good way. I just woke my dog up dancing to this song. That’s a real thing that happened. He raps about recouping all of his wealth in the span of a single night which is tight, but I often do the same. I can go from like .34 cents in my bank account to uhhh like a few hundred when it’s payday. It’s not that impressive, Uzi.

3.5

5) The Way Life Goes:

My girl is at her Aunt’s house in Maryland this week (holler at me if ur tryna rob her house while she’s gone just hmu she has an xbox) and I’m actually glad now, cus you have got to be missing somebody to truly grasp whatever the fuck Lil Uzi Vert is going through right now. Who the hell hurt you Lil Uzi Vert? Your hair dresser? Reese La Flare when you ripped his whole existence off and added KPOP to it?? Who the fuck did this to you lil guy??? Lmao this song goes hard as hell though I’m pouring out a tear for my guys rn over it. This one is hilarious to me tho cus he samples an “Oh Wonder” song, and it’s adorable to me that Lil Uzi Vert knows about some fabulist ass pop duo like the rest of us sad schmucks do.

4.5/5

6) For Real:

I’m assembling an interracial squad of dance teens to perform funny looking dance moves to this song while I stand behind the camera and jerk it side to side (not like that) whenever they do the dab. This song is the most stripped down, “normal” on the project I guess. It’s cool, but I like my Lil Uzi Vert to be manic and sad and weird. NEEEEEEEEXT

3/5

7) Feelings Mutual:

Oh wow we’re diving back into the sad drug stuff pretty abruptly here. Hold the fuck on I’m gonna google “Who Did This To Lil Uzi Vert??” gimme a second. Okay, nothing came up… But damn we gotta get this guy some mood stabilizers and a workout routine so he can start to turn that frown upside down. Nobody getting double toppy from models and driving ferraris should be sad. Even if he is like, five foot minus five. Nobody who’s friends with The Migos should cry, ever! They have their own chips! This song is very good though. Again, his sad shit is really effective so even tho he’s crying for help I’m gonna pretend he’s asking me to ignore his situation and dance instead!

4/5

8) Neon Guts (Feat Pharrell Williams):

Two things: I misspell Pharrell’s name every single time I type it, and whoooo shit Pharrrlel can make a goddamn track, even now that he’s more of a spiritual guide to XXL’s freshman classes than a hit maker. He took his gigantic cowboy hat off and donned the BDBC fitted for this one. This is gonna be the biggest song off this whole album, mark my words. Shit slaps dummy hard.

5/5

9) Early 20 Rager:

Oh hey, Lil Uzi named this song the same thing as my friend’s name their Birthday events on Facebook! Hopefully this song doesn’t make me get dressed up and go to 3 bars I don’t like. He says “FUCK YO GIRL ON CAM, GOPRO” which is hilarious. I want my POV porn to have an extreme sports edge to it now. I wanna see Mia Malkova giving head while jumping out of an airplane ASAP.

3.5/5

10) UnFazed (Feat. The Weeknd):

Dog I fucking hate the weekday. I -oh wow this shit slaps nvm I’m wrong.. Still tho if I catch you out here with XO gear on I am throwing it high up into an unscalable tree. One with mad prickles. He does say “Take three Xannies like a hattrick” on this which is super fucking lame and ultra Canadian of him. I know I said that the Pharalel track would be the biggest song on this album, but every white girl I know who does blow loves The Weeknd so this track is gonna go quadruple platinum.

4/5

11. Pretty Mami:

               This song boring as fuck! Maybe Lil Uzi not liking rapping anymore… Isn’t a good thing? I thought disenfranchisement meant bangers that would make me wipe tears away in secrecy at the club… But maybe, instead it means a lack of bangers?????????????????????????? Fuck man… I hate whoever made this man so sad.

2.5/5

12) How To Talk:

THIS BITCH! This song starts with the audio of some woman calling Lil Uzi Vert out for some shit that uhhh I’m not paying attention to. Somebody on 4chan analyze this woman’s vocality n stuff so we know who to speak to about making this guy sad. This song slaps tho, he’s all apologetic about treating her badly and jealous that she’s talking to a ball player. The beat is rad as hell. This is the mood I think of when I think of Lil Uzi’s music. More of this, less Pretty Mami.

4/5

13) X:

Metro Boomin and Pierre Bourne co-producing a Lil Uzi Vert track? I’m in clout heaven. Somebody fetch me a pair of those dumbass glasses that every future dead kid wears while they nod out on xanax. You know the ones? The Fallout 4 fancy lady joints. Thanks. Okay this song is golden and I will defend it no matter what the hell happens with the next two tracks. I’m doin all of Uzi’s dances as best I can to this, eating gummy bears, feelin cute.

5/5

14) Malfunction:

               In the first verse on this dreamy lil song Uzi says “ALL MY GIRLS DRESS LIKE THEY WORK AT HOOTERS” like it’s a good thing. If I’m worth millions of dollars, my many, many girlfriends would all be dressed in differently themed designer garb: One goth model with diamond encrusted tears, one pioneer thot with a golden pitchfork, a pair of ghost women wearing spooky Red Bottoms, etc. Let’s have some showmanship, please. This song is good though, the last ¼ of this album is picking it up.

4/5

15) Dark Queen:

Dark Queen is my favourite race in World Of Warcraft, so I’m stoked on this. The song is all about his relationship with his mother, and how it relates with his relationship with the music business instead of sick raids and fuckin uhhhhhhhh killin monsters? Idk I never played WoW I was too busy playing other videogames u fuckin dorks.

3.5/5

16) XO TOUR LIF3:

               *Crying* SHE SAID BABY I AM NOT AFRAID TO - *still crying* DIE! I forgot this song was on the album. Wow, what a fuckin banger. I want whoever reads this to make sure the lyrics to this song are etched into my gravestone (if I somehow don’t end up buried in an unmarked grave by a jilted lover and her new, tougher boyfriend) Ugh this goes so fuckin hard. This is one of the only songs that, if you have it as your ringtone and it goes off really loudly while we’re sitting next to each other on the C-Train, won’t earn you a dirty look and a subtweet. I want to celebrate the sadness in this song. You did it, Lil Uzi.

5/5

 FINAL SCORE: 7.8/10

This shit had some up and down moments, I’m not gonna lie. But, the good outweighed the bad. I hope Uzi finds the help he needs before his hair gets any more neon than it already is. We believe in you, lil fella.

[trendingnewsb]

4 Lazy Character Shortcuts Hollywood Can’t Stop Using

The best movie characters are usually the ones whom we sort of identify with. Whether they’re a simple middle-class teenager or a grizzled Matthew McConaughy playing a nihilistic detective trying to find aliens from the future inside a black hole, they work because when they make decisions, we get it. We learn who they are and understand them. Sometimes, though, writers don’t really have time for that shit. Instead, they use some kind of shorthand which (they hope) will have the same profound effect with far less effort. This usually doesn’t work at all. Particularly when …

4

Sudden Sacrifices Are A Substitute For Heroism

What is more powerful than one human being sacrificing their own life to save others, usually to the accompaniment of an orchestra that sounds like it’s about to parade through the screen? You could probably base a whole religion around it. In the world of Hollywood screenwriting, sacrifices can also be written in not to provide a satisfying end to a character’s arc, but to add instant heroism to a character we barely know.

Read Next

Why We Can't Take Our Eyes Off The Things We Hate

Kong: Skull Island (which I think is a great movie) includes a bunch of dispensable soldier characters who are tailor-made to be ape food. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m a fan of slasher films, so I have an appreciation for characters who only exist to say “Hey, guys, what was that noise?” But then, while under an assault from mutant reptiles, one of the soldiers, Captain Cole, pulls out two grenades and stares down one of the beasts. The rest of the cast does the typical “NO! DON’T DO THIS!” thing, like the audience is expected to. No, don’t do it, guy with literally two personality traits.

The guy’s plan goes awry and he ends up being a bloodstain on the side of a cliff, but that’s beside the point. The point is … well, what is the point? The sacrifice doesn’t add a dimension to his character, nor does it say anything poignant about him. Instead, it just makes him look like he’s very bad at thinking through decisions. You’re stranded on an island with a monster ape and ubiquitous leviathans, and your plan is to waste yourself and two precious grenades with your patented “Stand there and hope” maneuver?

Of course, they also did this with Superman at the end of Batman v Superman, in a Hail Mary effort to give us some reason to care. They did the same in I Am Legend, in which Will Smith sacrifices himself to maybe blow up some of the zombies, which is such a pointless act that the director’s cut has Will Smith not do that.

And remember Chappie, that Black Mirror episode, but with more decapitations? At the end of that, Ninja — played by Ninja of the rap group Die Antwoord — tries to sacrifice himself in dramatic slow motion, as if the movie is under the impression that we liked his character. He just spent two hours cursing and emotionally abusing a childlike robot. Sacrifice away, idiot.

If they want us to care, they need to scroll backward a few dozen pages in the script and write the character as someone we’ll either be sad to see go or happy to see redeemed. Oh, and the character needs to stay dead.

3

Making A Character Suddenly Badass (In A Way That Makes No Sense)

There’s nothing better than when a badass character gets a badass payoff. My boys in the Dragon Ball franchise are constantly training so that when the time comes, they can triumphantly punch holes through people. This is immensely satisfying because you, the viewer, get to anticipate seeing them use their skills. There is build-up. So it’s baffling whenever “badass” characters either get that way out of nowhere, or are assigned badass traits that don’t fit their progression at all, like if The Karate Kid ended with Daniel challenging Johnny to a snowmobile race.

Take Arya Stark in Game Of Thrones. A big point is made that she’s not built for swordplay. Her cranky travel companion Sandor Clegane points out that her tiny frame and flimsy sword is useless in a gritty fantasy universe full of giant men in armor. Thus, she learns how to work with poisons and magic disguises, leading us to believe that she’ll be pulling off some rad espionage tactics to fool bad guys who could crush her skull like an egg. Instead, within a couple of seasons, Arya becomes Jason Bourne Lite, shrugging off stabbings and doing sweet parkour. Later, she faces off in a practice duel with giant sword master Brienne and outmaneuvers her easily, smirking the whole time.

Regardless of the fact that she is never shown acquiring that level of skill, the problem is that this character is now superhuman and is in no way someone you can identify with.

Writers can’t resist this, even when a lack of combat training is the entire point of a character. This happens in the recent Death Wish remake, in which Bruce Willis, a surgeon, suddenly becomes a mix of Jigsaw and Rambo, all because he lost his family … and he’s a surgeon? This movie had a lot of problems, but at the very least, it could’ve made sense. I can’t claim to know what they teach you at medical school, but I sincerely doubt it involves target practice. I mean, not yet, anyway. But they couldn’t think of any other way to have him beat the bad guys.

And look, I love Harry Potter‘s Neville Longbottom, but the whole point of him is that he’s a clumsy, nerdy boob. He continues to be that for the first seven and a half movies, until his arc completes with him … cutting a giant snake’s head off in slow motion with a sword? Why? At no point in the series are we clamoring for Neville to be the guy who decapitates magic serpents. He’s shown as having talents — specifically, using magical plants — but all of that goes out the window because in the end, being a hero only means being great with traditional fighting techniques.

I’m not saying that Neville should’ve been watering the shrubs while Voldemort was attacking, but maybe give us something more in line with his character. He can be cool without being Conan. Hell, Breaking Bad spent its whole run inventing ways for a sickly chemistry teacher to defeat drug lords who are stronger and more well-armed than he is. They didn’t simply make him suddenly good at ninjutsu.

2

Gritty “Realism” Is Conveyed Through Ceaseless Cursing

People curse in real life. They do it in the car, they do it in the bedroom, they do it when they’re in line at Gamestop and GODDAMN, RICHARD, THE TRADE-IN VALUES ARE NOT GONNA BE THAT GOOD NO MATTER HOW MANY “PRO” POINTS YOU HAVE, SO GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT, SHITLIZARD. But since lots of movies are shooting for PG-13 and network TV shows usually try to be family friendly, they have to keep it clean. When creators find themselves without those restrictions, they tend to go hog-wild.

So I get it, prestige TV dramas. You get to put on your HBO/Showtime Big Boy Pants, and you naturally want to curse a lot because Mom and Dad aren’t around to tell you no. But do so many characters absolutely need to do it like they’re auditioning for a Rob Zombie film? For example, the sister character Debra is the heart and soul of Dexter, considering the show reminds you at all times that the titular character lacks a heart and soul. But there are ways to illustrate that she’s deep and troubled other than peppering all of her dialogue with curses that make her sound as if she’s just discovered Urban Dictionary. You know, like actually giving her an important role on the show? That’s just my two cents.

It comes up in Game Of Thrones, which desperately wants to be Definitely Not Lord Of The Rings, and Boardwalk Empire, which desperately wanted to be Definitely Not The Godfather, or Deadwood, which desperately wanted to be Definitely Not Renewed For A Fourth Season. I love you, Deadwood. I live and breathe you, Deadwood. But holy shit, it’s hard to market a cowboy show, much less a cowboy show that constantly plays like a Greek tragedy and includes an errant dropping of “fuck” every six seconds.

Compare that (again) to a show like Breaking Bad, which was only allowed one or two F-words per season. When they come, they actually have impact. When Skyler reveals to Walter that she’s sleeping with her boss, it’s “I fucked Ted.” Not “I’ve been messing around with Ted,” or “I let Ted play on my slippery dulcimer, if ya’ know what I mean.” It’s a gut punch. The fact that, realistically, she’d probably say it that way is just icing on the cake.

Some of you might say that these shows use gratuitous nudity in exactly the same way (that is, because they can), but at least beautiful naked people is a selling point. Who’s out there saying, “Man, I’m not crazy about the plot of that show, but some of the cursing is amazing. It gave me a full erection.”

1

Geeky Characters Are Defined Only By Their Ability To Spout Pop Culture References

A lot of people in the world are geeks. Not me. I only talk about Digimon when I’m drunk. But a lot of people are. And you’d think that since “geeky” interests are so commonplace, we’d get more great geeky characters in pop culture. Characters that we see aspects of ourselves in. Sadly, what we do get are shows like Big Bang Theory, or characters like Steve Urkel from Family Matters, Ross Gellar from Friends, Morgan from Chuck, Noah from the Scream TV show, and about 75 percent of the denizens of Kevin Smith movies. These are characters who don’t make geekiness look fun. Instead, they drag it around like a cross, burdened by their own existence.

I would probably relate to more “geeky” film characters if the writers knew how to identify them as geeks without having them bleat like farm animals about Star Wars or Dungeons & Dragons. Either that or they’re like Spencer from Criminal Minds, who refuses to shut up about how his special, powerful, super computer brain works differently from the average brain. He’s supposed to be likable, but I’ve never met a single likable person who went into detail about how much smarter he or she is than most of the population.

It’s like they’re so afraid that we won’t get it unless they crank it up to cartoonish levels. The “funny” control room employee in Jurassic World wears a Jurassic Park shirt with the original movie’s logo on it. That’s great! It builds his character and it adds to the theme of the movie that you probably shouldn’t recklessly commodify prehistoric beasts. But he then explains why he wears that shirt and how much it costs and how much he loved the first Jurassic Park, and any chance we had of identifying with him goes out the window. If I buy a Spider-Man shirt, I don’t go around the mall asking people about their favorite Doctor Octopus moments; I just wear the shirt.

It’s so strange because you’d assume that most writers are themselves geeks, the ones who have to borrow clothes to attend a red carpet premiere and then are kept far away from the cameras. You have to imagine them toiling away on their sitcom pilot thinking, “Hmmm … what would a geek say in this situation? It’s so hard for a cool, sexy beast like me to put myself in their mindset. I know, I’ll have them suddenly speak Klingon.”

Daniel has a Twitter, which he uses as a platform to yell about Pokemon.

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