#give it up for betty chainsaw murder

[july-19th-club]

betty chainsaw murder!!! betty chainsaw murder!!!! BETTY CHAINSAW MURDER!!!

[alaffy]

Riverdale 5x14 - Midnight Gallery (Spoilers)

During one of his interviews, Roberto said that this season is about trauma and tonight they really doubled down on it.  Three horrific stories: Archie; Betty; and Jughead.  I think that the reason why Veronica was left out of this is because, while she also has experienced trauma, her’s was a story that was more easily explained.  Also, they probably didn’t want to deal with faking a helicopter crash. 

Spoilers

 Archie’s story starts with him actually getting some help (maybe).  Also, Archie is contacted by Cheryl to start digging up the Palladium under her property (because it’s not like mining takes any sort of professional crew or anything).  The thing is Archie is starting to see dead people and while that may seem like a joke, it’s not.  Turns out Bingo isn’t the only man Archie lost and his mind is no loner suppressing that information.  So, look, clearly Archie is not ok and clearly being in this mine is setting off some of his issues (something Frank seemed to realize).  Archie asks his therapist for medication, but it seems to make things worse.  And Archie barges into her office, claiming she’s working for Hiram.  She denies knowing who that is (which is hard to believe) and Archie is told to leave.  Archie stops taking the medication and tells Jackson to also stop seeing the therapist.  However, a few days later, all of the miners start acting crazy and they realize that the tunnel is filling with carbon monoxide (why you need professionals).  Archie goes back to the therapist and explains about the carbon monoxide and the fact he’s seeing more dead officers.  She says she’s afraid to be alone with him and thinks he’s not safe around anyone.  Honestly, I don’t know if I trust this therapist.  Is she military?  And does she work at that base that Hiram is also working with?

Also, I think Cheryl might be becoming a villain. 

 Betty is seen at the beginning of her story talking to Tabitha.  Tabitha is trying to get Betty to turn the trucker over to the authorities.  Betty refuses, but also tells Tabitha that Tabitha should no longer be involved.  So, Betty tries to get the trucker to talk and it’s obvious he’s a murder, but other then that she’s getting nothing from him.  Except one PTSD flashback to being in the hole.  She even tries to humanize the victims, by having Alice talk to the killer about Polly (Betty may be good at finding killers, not so great with interrogations).  Of course that fails and the trucker says horrible things about Polly’s death, which sets Alice off.  Later, Betty tells her mom that she’s going to try something else, but Alice is just like, nah, kill him.  And on the one hand, I can understand a grieving mother wanting the man she believes to have killed her daughter dead, on the other hand…is she trying to loose all her children?  I mean, why tell Betty to kill him?  Anyway, Betty goes back and threatens to torcher him with a chainsaw.  And she goes into this very creepy explanation of what she plans to do to him.  At this point, he gives very specific information about Polly and then pretends he doesn’t know anything about her.  Betty goes to get the chainsaw.  Here’s the thing, as she gets the chainsaw, she flashes back to being in the hole.  And the thing she told the trucker?  Apparently, she was quoting TBK.  That’s what TBK told her as she was begging him to kill her.  Somebody who cares about Betty needs to find out about her capture!  Anyway, she returns to the trucker with the chainsaw and finds him dead.  He had bitten through and swallowed his tongue.  Now, was Betty really going to kill him?  Eh, they leave it pretty ambiguous.  You’re supposed to question.  Although, when Alice made it clear she was glad the trucker was dead, Betty says that she’s fine with it, but it’s obvious she’s not.  But one thing is clear now, from what the trucker said, there isn’t just one killer.

And then we have Jughead’s story.  Think Hunter S. Thompson.  The fact is, Jughead’s story is well, it shows the story of the human condition.  And it is tragic, but…look, people want to make Jughead’s story all about Betty.  She’s a part of it, but she’s not the reason.  In fact, it turns out they were on, what seems to be, good speaking terms.  The reality is, Jughead had a hard time transitioning from his life from Riverdale out into the real world.  He went to Iowa, but he didn’t make any friends and he started drinking.  Then, he sent part of his book off and got himself an agent.  The first thing he does is call Betty.  Betty makes a comment about hoping his Iowa friends take him out that night and…he lies and tells her they will.  However, what happens is Jughead leaves school and moves to New York.  At some point he meets Jessica, who becomes his girlfriend.  But it sounds like, I don’t know how to say it, his interest in Jessica was more about what she could get him.  Like she had access to the drugs that helped him do his writing and that’s why they became a couple.  Anyway, what is made clear is that while he was with Jessica, he was also in contact with Betty (and it is heavily implied that he was contacting Betty behind Jessica’s back).  It should be said if your significant other is contacting his ex behind your back, they aren’t your significant other.  Meanwhile, it sounds like when he talks to Betty he’s telling her his life if great, when it’s not.  So, it is easy to see that maybe Betty thinks he’s moving on in his life, when in fact he’s not.  Also, what is interesting is that there are two flashbacks to Betty in this.  However, this is in Jughead’s narration.  So, are those scenes actual flashback or what he thinks Betty’s life is like at the time?  I guess will find out.  Anyway, it turns out that he does invite her to the book launch and she says she’ll go.  However, she cancels at the last minute (at the moment we don’t know why).  Jughead, drunk and on the way to his party, calls her and leaves the message.  And why did he leave that message?  Because the reality is, he knows deep down inside that (if Betty were at the party), she would be the only one there who actually cared.  And the fact she couldn't make it, sets him off. So, does Betty deserve the message?  No.  The fact is, Jughead is upset with the way his life has turned out and is taking it out on her.  And there was no way for her to have known how important it was for her to be there, because she was under the impression that things where going good for Jughead.  Anyway, right after the call he falls into a hole and is trapped for underground for a few days with rats crawling all over him.  During those days, Jughead learns during his trip to New York, he had a bunch of hallucinations (also he got rabies) of a Rat King who wanted him to stay in the tunnels.  However, Jughead is rescued by a hallucination of Betty, who gets him out of the tunnels.  But learning what happened to him in New York has made him realize how alone he is in his life and he wants to get better.  Again, quick warning, not interested in fighting about ships, just discussing the show.  Look, the fact that it’s Betty “saving” him, the fact that she’s the first person he calls about the book…he’s not over her.  Does that mean they’ll get back together?  Well, at the moment, Betty thinks he doesn’t want her in his life and she’s got her own issues.  So, that may be where they're heading, maybe not. After all, seven years have passed. But we'll see. At the very least, it looks like Jughead is starting to work through his problems.

Quick edit: One other thing I forgot to mention, I like the fact this it is Jughead himself that decided to get help. So many stories have the trope that if the emo boy just falls for the right girl...nope. Sorry. People can help you get better, but only you can choose to get help.

[manunkinda]

So, I’m watching the Heathers 2018 reboot to take notes. I plan to do a video essay after I finish the series.

I regret starting this.

Anyway, here are a few my notes so far.

Heathers (2018) Notes:

⁃ I can’t believe I’m paying for this shit.

⁃ Wait, why is the pilot TV-14 when everything else is TV-MA?

⁃ Also, every single title of each episode is a quote from the movie. I don’t think “Hot probs” was though? Unless I’m missing something? I’ll have to watch the movie AND the musical after this to cleanse my brain.

⁃ Also why is the second episode $20 for HD?

⁃ THE RED SCRUNCHIE. SHANNON DORHERTY (who played Heather Duke in the original) IS IN THIS.

⁃ Yup, Shannon plays his mom. She’s waving and he’s waving back.

⁃ What the hell is this intro?

⁃ [ethereal electronic music]

⁃ Okay, so this is Veronica... Who should really be a Heather.

⁃ I can’t stop laughing at the Khloe Kardashian quote.

⁃ [moody electronic music]

⁃ See, the thing is, is that Veronica had sturdy morals from the beginning. She had a sense of who she was, just not what she wanted. J.D. manipulated her into briefly losing her morals. So, it doesn’t make sense for Veronica to not know who she is.

⁃ I’m pretty sure you can’t ask a student if they’re a hermaphodite. Most colleges don’t care about that anyway.

⁃ Jason Dean’s in the background staring her down during the locker scene and they haven’t actually introduced him.

⁃ Betty’s in this apparently, but not Martha? Because since Chandler is plus-sized, that whole thing wouldn’t work anyway, right?

⁃ [moody finger snaps]

⁃ I can’t believe there’s a song where the lyrics are: “Picture this, I’m a bag of dicks.” “I will punch a baby bear in his shit.”

⁃ Okay, while I clearly appreciate LGBT+ and minority representation in the media, Heathers is the wrong story to use it. In this, the representation is villainized while two white people try to kill them off. That’s complete missing the mark and the lesson of the original, and hell, even the musical.

⁃ Chandler would get dress coded for that outfit. Middle finger choker AND those fishnets, yup.

⁃ “How Banana Republic.” whAT DOES THAT MEAN

⁃ KURT SEEING THE HEATHERS WITH RAM AND NOPING THE FUCK OUT OF THERE IS ME.

⁃ “Remington Squaws.” Look, Ram would also get dress coded for this.

⁃ Also, the reason why “mean girls” like the Heathers and the Plastics were popular is because they were nice to your face, and then would talk shit about you behind your back.

⁃ the finger snaps are rotting my brain already.

⁃ “I’m gonna get a soda.” Proceeds to get a bag of chips.

⁃ oh god JD approached Veronica. What the fuck are they saying by the way? “Meet the new boss?” WTF?

⁃ “I’m not a rebel, Veronica.” The original JD would disagree with that.

⁃ He ends up calling Veronica “my dear” within the first two minutes.

⁃ Heather Duke would be an interesting character if he wasn’t named Heather Duke.

⁃ snappy snack shack looks like a discount Snappy Snack Shack.

⁃ Heather McNamera with their teacher? In public? In the car? No one would be so obvious like that about banging their teacher.

⁃ “Great hummus, but I gotta Tesla.”

⁃ “Such an UGG boot latte sometimes.”

⁃ Did she and Jacob hook up in his car? Idk, all I see is leg and Veronica is checking Chandler’s insta. She did end up posting the pic of Ram in the Remington shirt, but I don’t think he was smiling.

⁃ “What is your father wound, Heather?”

⁃ Veronica just shoulder checked her, which honestly isn’t the same as throwing up on someone’s shoes.

⁃ Chandler got fake drain cleaner from an art thing all over her dress.

⁃ “Lick it up, fatty. Lick. It. Up.” Is nothing compared to the original line. Also, fat-phobic much?

⁃ “My dear” again. That’s twice now and it’s already getting old. The thing is, in the original, JD and Veronica never called each other pet names, except for one time. For JD, it was right before Veronica broke up with him. “Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.” And for Veronica, it was right before she shot JD in the boiler room. “You know what I want, babe? Cool guys like you out of my life.”

⁃ “Let’s snort Adderall, make out, and get slushies.”

⁃ So is Kurt actually gay in this or?

⁃ This JD and Veronica has no chemistry whatsoever.

⁃ I dare JD to throw a better party at the discount Snappy Snack Shack where the cashier won’t yell at you.

⁃ Also, this JD reminds me of Riverdale’s Jughead, but if his personality was the weirdo monologue.

⁃ Those are some weak ass slushies. They’re so watery.

⁃ I was not expecting the fucking bubble gun.

⁃ His dad collects Nazi stuff apparently. Big yikes.

⁃ What are the dolls in Chandler’s room? Why are they on her shelf like that and organized by skin color?

⁃ “Prince Harry me as revenge.”

⁃ Where was that table she fell into in the other shots?

⁃ He gave her the suicide pills by mistake, Big oops.

⁃ “I’m going to be experimenting with lesbianism in San Quentin instead of Sarah Lawrence.”

⁃ “That’s my girl.”

Director: Do a proud smile!

⁃ Duke posted the photo of McNamara with the teacher because they were arguing who would give the eulogy.

⁃ “Isn’t hating on someone for being a murderer equally as rude?” No, it’s not.

⁃ Why is JD wearing sunglasses inside? That just makes him even more guilty.

⁃ Betty is trying to stake her claim on Chandler’s position.

⁃ I honestly wouldn’t mind if the Heathers were Betty and these two girls originally.

⁃ “Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” THEY USED THE LINE and not in a great context.

⁃ And we meet JD’s dad.

⁃ Also, he’s using the Shake Weight and I can’t stop laughing. I’m so distracted by it.

⁃ “Well, son, your presence here has been lovely as usual, but if you don’t mind, my girlfriend and I would like to start having sexual intercourse now.” Right in front of my salad?

⁃ [somber bell music]

⁃ Heather Chandler’s still alive?! Holy shit! She’s been laying there the whole day. She would’ve been dead by now!

⁃ Oh gross, vomit.

⁃ And her phone’s blowing up. Pun intended.

[djgrannyglasses]

I am just having visions of Jughead and FP fighting for blankets. And also Jughead trying to sneak into bed with Betty, and tripping over the foot off the pullout couch and FP being like. “Get back into bed, boy!”

Somebody wanted it written out so I took the liberty to write this out, poorly and quickly. Just a moment I pictured when Betty and Jughead were living together.

                                              Domesticated

               FP Jones was never going to win any father of the year awards for his past performance and he knew it; whether it was the alcoholism that sent his wife and daughter heading for the hills, and his son into choosing homelessness over him. Sure, there were times that FP remembered, happy times with his wife and children; sneaking into the drive-in, birthday parties (Jughead would find that debatable), but he knew there were good memories. However, there were also the horrendous, fun nights at the White Wyrm which lead to nights at home with his family he didn’t remember which usually lead to mornings with broken glass and his son sporting a black eye on more than one occasion. FP Jones would spend the rest of his life attempting to make up for that; his son who never left his side through a murder charge, put his life in jeopardy to spring him, and of course the girl who helped him.  

Jughead and Betty Cooper were forever in debt; he would do anything for them at this point, that included housing Betty to get away from her homicidal brother. FP wasn’t quite sure about the details that led to him disposing another body, but he knew it was enough to drive Betty comfort Northside suburbia to their tin can on the Southside. He also knew from his history with the Cooper women that included giving up the comfort of his bedroom and keeping a close eye on his son; FP knew he would never be forgive if the “Cooper woman curse” struck again, the last thing he needed was to be a grandfather. His son couldn’t remember if he wore gloves to a coverup, how could he possibly be trusted to remember if he used protection properly? Precautions needed to be taken; such precautions as sharing the pullout couch with his teenage son.

               All the awkward scenarios that could happen ran through his head, his son was sixteen after all. There was always the case of the lingering sex dream, everybody had them, but teenage guys were notorious for keeping not being able to deal with that inconspicuously; not that sharing a bed with your father was the sexiest thing in the world, but he remembered being that age and how the wind would blow wrong and things would stir. Thankfully, nothing that repugnant had occurred, the only troubles that seemed to occur were that of his son hogging the blanket if he didn’t curl up at a reasonable time which was usually the case, he would return late from the Wyrm would be cocooned under the comforter, snoring like a chainsaw; it was a tug of war almost every night, that and the bar of the bed digging into his back FP wasn’t the most rested these past few days. The older Jones learned a long time ago, though, usually if there was too much bliss something was obviously up.

               That happened one night, FP found himself in a pleasant rest no bar in his back, no tug of war; he was comfortable, too comfortable. He didn’t want to question it, he didn’t want to open his eyes and see what chaos was about to ensue; that was until he felt something hit the foot of the bed, and low grumble which caused FP’s eyes to fly open

               “Son of a bitch!” Jughead hissed, massaging his bare shin; his raven hair strewn everywhere and his eyebrows knitted in pain.

               “Boy!” FP whispered, careful not to wake the Cooper girl. “What the hell are you doing?”

                               “I-just-just.” Jughead stammered; he was uncharacteristically at a lack of words.

               Then FP saw it, through the corner of his eye; long legs and a mass of blonde waves scrambled back into the bedroom. Suddenly he knew what was up, for he had been a teenager once, and far more promiscuous than his son who settled the right person. Though, his son was far less sexual than he had been, and much smarter in most cases, just not this. He surely wasn’t thinking with the brain in his head.

               “Get the hell back in bed, boy!” FP snapped, he had enough; teenagers invading his home were one thing, but the wrath of Alice Cooper was not something he wanted to deal with. “Jesus Christ, kid, are you trying to get me killed ?”

               Jughead slipped back into bed next to his father, crossing his arms and staring up at the ceiling. “I was just going to go sleep in there, Dad, that’s it,” the boy sighed.

               “And I am the motherfucking Pope,” FP grunted and turned on his side, he just wanted this conversation to be over; he had an early shift at Pops he had to get through. “And if I catch you sneaking into that room again I am going to tie you to the bed, and not in the fun way Betty probably does it.”

               Perhaps he had gone too far with that sentiment, but he didn’t feel his son rise from the bed for the rest of the evening.      

[sage-the-mage]

Okay so I've recently gotten into Heathers

My friend has the movie and we watched it about a week ago, and holy hell I love it. "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw" is like, new favorite phrase. And it had a really meaningful story, which I really wasn't expecting given it was a black comedy.

Veronica and JD, while certainly not a healthy relationship, have very obvious chemistry. I like imagining alternate lives for them, where they never killed anyone and he didn't become manipulative and possessive. And as it is canonically, it's a realistic relationship that happens all the time, though not necessarily with the murder and dramatic "I'm blowing myself up cause you didn't let me blow up the school" "lol bye" moment.

And Heather Chandler OH GOD I want her confidence. Like, confidence goals right there. Seriously. She's a total bitch but also I love this mythic bitch. Heather Duke seemed all sweet and soft spoken at first, but then after Heather C dies she takes the head bitch role, so I've got mixed feelings about her. Not bad though. And Heather McNamara, while far from perfect, felt like the most redeemable of the Heathers, and I really hope she and Veronica and Martha and Betty all became friends after.

And then I find out there's a musical! While the exact story and play out aren't exactly the same, and they amalgamed Betty and Martha into one role, it's still really good. They showed Ronnie's rise into the Heathers, their colors are even more obvious, and those songs are fuckin' bangers. Candy Store and Dead Girl Walking, just yes. I love it.

And then I find out they are (were?) making a Heathers tv show (dubbed "Peathers" since it's Heathers made by Paramount.) Now, my first thought is fuck yes, a modern Heathers and a tv show instead of a movie, sign me the fuck up. I'll take more of these color coded bitches. NO THE FUCK I WON'T. GET IT AWAYYYY. They were trying to make it diverse and inclusive and just. Not the fucking Heathers of all people. They're supposed to be stereotypically pretty popular types, not look like the ones Westborough would bully. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with how they look as characters but. For who they're supposed to be, it's all wrong. Heather C is supposed to be a skinny blonde bitch that lords over everyone. If you want diversity among the Heathers themselves, she's the last place to put it. Plus, an entire plot point is Heather D is bulimic, trying to live up to Heather C's levels of perfection (and in the movie at least gives it up after she dies) so seeing any of the Heathers, or Veronica seeing as she's let into the clique, as overweight feels wrong.

Now, if we're wanting diversity and inclusiveness within the Heathers, Heather Duke could be made a different race, which she has in the musical version, without impacting the story or making it entirely off feeling. And Heather McNamara could be a lesbian (for real, not faking it like in the show *bleh*) or bi or pan, but closeted to keep from being ridiculed, and after Heather C's death and Heather D takes charge, Heather M could be outed and made fun of by Heather D, thus leading to her attempted suicide. And that's just a quick throw together idea.

Now for Veronica, she's sure as shit not blonde. She's never been a blonde, don't try and give me fucking blonde Veronica. Give me brunette Veronica as she should be. Appearance wise, that's about my only condition. And honestly I'd be all for lesbian Ronnie with a female JD, or a bi or pan Ronnie with a trans boy JD. Side note, that would be a great opening for Ronnie and Heather M (nicest of the Heathers tbh, and seems to have the potential to be closest to Ronnie. I like the idea of them together) to wind up beginning a relationship in the end, or at least obvious crushes on one another and implied future relationship.

And then with Martha and Betty you can have so many different options. Like, they could be adorable little diverse munchkins, but no, one's nixed completely (because we can't have overweight Heather C making fun of a "plainer" overweight person) and the other is made the Heather C replacement bitch?? What???

Just. No. They could've done so great, and instead we're given complete crap. I'm sorry I've just got so much feels for this. Go back to your regularly scheduled blogging now lol

[denofgeek]

Nearly every episode title of Riverdale references a major pop culture work, usually a film, and the latest installment, “Reservoir Dogs,” is no exception. Given the fact that this hour features nods to everything from Saving Private Ryan (thanks to Archie’s hilariously anachronistic war flashbacks) to Coyote Ugly and Jesus Christ Superstar, it feels like a bit of a deliberate mislead to give the ep the same moniker as Quentin Tarantino’s breakthrough hit.

I think I know the reasoning behind this though – to keep the episode’s biggest motion picture homage a secret. About three quarters of the way through the episode now-disgraced FBI agent Betty Cooper finally catches up with the trucker who has been terrorizing the Lonely Highway and whom may be responsible for the disappearance and/or possible murder of her sister. She hatches a plot to pose as a seductress and enlists Tabitha Tate to tail her and the mysterious highwayman...

[Read more at Den of Geek]

[aion-rsa]

We Need To Talk About Riverdale’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre Moment

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This Riverdale review contains spoilers.

Riverdale Season 5 Episode 13

Nearly every episode title of Riverdale references a major pop culture work, usually a film, and the latest installment, “Reservoir Dogs,” is no exception. Given the fact that this hour features nods to everything from Saving Private Ryan (thanks to Archie’s hilariously anachronistic war flashbacks) to Coyote Ugly and Jesus Christ Superstar, it feels like a bit of a deliberate mislead to give the ep the same moniker as Quentin Tarantino’s breakthrough hit.

I think I know the reasoning behind this though – to keep the episode’s biggest motion picture homage a secret. About three quarters of the way through the episode now-disgraced FBI agent Betty Cooper finally catches up with the trucker who has been terrorizing the Lonely Highway and whom may be responsible for the disappearance and/or possible murder of her sister. She hatches a plot to pose as a seductress and enlists Tabitha Tate to tail her and the mysterious highwayman.

We’ve seen time and time again that Betty can more than hold her own against whatever evildoers the Town with Pep throw at her, but how is she against motorized weapons? Well, before you could say “Leatherface,” we discovered the answer to this question when the trucker came after Betty with a chainsaw. Watching Riverdale briefly morph into The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a visceral as it was hilarious, an inspired moment full of the sort of what the fuckery that this series excels at. (Which is saying a lot seeing how the same episode also showcased the series’s second cult performing an Andrew Lloyd Webber song).

Far from being a jump the shark moment — and let’s face it, this program is impervious to such a feat at this point — the chainsaw-wielding motorist was completely in line with what we know about Riverdale operates. From the get go horror elements have flowed through the series like Sweetwater River does the titular town. From serial killers to Mothmen, nothing is off limits here. That said, it is a credit to the writing staff that they can through something shocking and new at us like they did here. There’s precedence though in the comics that Riverdale is based on though, and I’m not just talking about the horror-tinged fun of Afterlife with Archie and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Over the course of their 80-year history, Archie has regularly used horror tropes to entice readers, especially in their adventure-based 1970s comics. I’ve previously detailed these at length on this site, but to bottom line it for you just let me say that Riverdale, as bizarre as it gets, still can’t hold a candle to the strangeness that drips from the pages of its source material.

Yes, it’s absolutely thrilling to watch Betty knock out a maniac determined to mutilate her with the help of a carefully aimed wrench. Equal thrilling though are the four color comic book tales from which the seeds of Riverdale were planted. The events of the this latest episode are a reminder that Archie’s printed world is funnier, scarier, weirder and more complex than it’s TV counterpart could ever aspire to be. With its tonal shifts and unhinged plots, Riverdale is appointment viewing. But the comics? They’re always there, and hopefully this will remain the case for decades to come.

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Riverdale Rundown

With Reggie and Veronica growing closer due to their new (and gloriously named) investment banking film Pearls and Posh, one wonders how long until they begin dating.

Veronica using her Posh surname will never not be hilarious.

One of the big reveals of this episode is that Moose is back in Riverdale, bearded, out of the closet and dating Fangs Fogarty.

As much as I admire the show’s producers for trying to tell a riveting story about PTSD, these war flashbacks feel so disjointed. (Which is entirely the point, although I can’t help but feel that the series is attempting to reach the pathos of the Archie 1941 comic and failing).

One of my long-standing questions about the series was answered here, we learn that Archie’s long-absent dog Vegas died while he was serving overseas in the military.

Betty musing that she should have stabbed Glenn harder was great stuff.

Cheryl’s Little Red Riding Hood-inspired outfit she wears while walking through her family’s maple grove is very reminiscent of her looks from the Blossom 666 horror comic.

Speaking of Cheryl, she once again gets the episode’s best line when she snarks “compulsion, thy name is Kevin of Finland” after seeing the younger Keller cruising in the woods again.

Kevin refers to Cheryl and Penelope’s church as a “Classic Blossom Scam,” which is most definitely is. (And it is also the least interesting thing happening on the show right now). But that doesn’t stop him from joining up. Kevin never met a cult he couldn’t lose himself into.

“He was my best friend,” says Archie referring to his oft-neglected dog Vegas. No wonder Jughead is such a mess.

Upon learning that there’s a dog-fighting ring in town, an incredulous Archie states “are you kidding, this is happening in Riverdale?” Umm yeah Arch, catch up.

Let’s here it for the Wild Foxes for their turning “Nothing But a Good Time” into an empowerment anthem.

Next week on Riverdale, we catch up with Jughead and continue to wonder if this show will ever get back to the Mothmen stuff!

The post We Need To Talk About Riverdale’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre Moment appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[tibby]

i don’t know why anyone would miss an episode of riverdale, but this is whats been happening: cheryl’s former art appraiser with benefits came back into town after running away because the blossoms considered sacrificing her to the gods, but cheryl has some new paintings to show her, starring every member of a love triangle that can only end in death and/or jarchie. so the first painting is archie with a pickaxe and we find out that he’s been going to therapy, which is really brave of him, especially since last time he tried that he got diagnosed with gay. cheryl asks archie, his war buddy eric, and uncle frank who is STILL here good god who is this man, to dig for palladium in the mines she just reopened. archie, blessed with his first ever thought, points out he has no experience, but cheryl, in one of her moments where you can’t tell if she’s insane or dumb or just a bad person, tells archie that if he can go to war and play football, he can lead a team of miners, otherwise known as archie’s friends. except for jughead, because archie didn’t even know he went missing. cheryl blesses the boys before they go into the mines, and reggie winks at nana rose, a throwback to the deal they made with hiram over the palladium, and the time they may or may not have fucked. archie has more war flashbacks in the mine, but they find some palladium, so high risk high reward and all that. archie goes back to his therapist who just hands him anti anxiety meds that she was keeping in her desk drawer, and then it’s back to the mines. hi ho! the boys have a break to discuss the mothmen, as archie suddenly remembers that jughead existed at one point, and fangs suggests that they’re cannibalistic. which really shouldn’t scare humans, because that would technically mean we’re off the table. but i’m just getting caught in the semantics. archie hallucinates some more in the mines and start claiming that someone is after him, so he goes to yell at his therapist and accuses her of being in cahoots with hiram lodge. when archie gets back to the mines, everyone is hallucinating, and it turns out that the tunnels were full of carbon monoxide. cheryl, who we’re supposed to want back together with her pregnant ex, tells them to fix it immediately and then get back to work. archie apologises to his therapist, who tells him he shouldn’t be near anyone if he’s hallucinating, which seems like bad advice. archie can now see every dead soldier in his team though, so he’s building up a solid crew. next painting up is betty with a chainsaw, because this show isn’t big on subtlety. betty has the trucker that she caught the previous episode tied up in the garage of riverdale high, and intends to interrogate him about polly’s whereabouts. tells him he has no rights, because he’s in riverdale, not in the united states. which surprisingly answers a lot of questions. unfortunately, the trucker won’t answer many of hers, so betty attempts to emotionally manipulate information about polly out of him by bringing milf alice in. after that fails, milf alice gives betty full permission to kill, because murder is fine but disobeying your mother is not. betty, in true betty form, instead spends several minutes telling the trucker that she’ll slowly cut off his limbs with a chainsaw one by one instead of giving him a mercy killing. the trucker caves, revealing information about polly but suggesting he personally didn’t kidnap and kill her. betty goes to get her chainsaw, pausing momentarily to recall the time a serial killer threatened to carve pieces off of her, and by the time she gets back, the trucker has swallowed his own tongue. betty, upset that she didn’t get to kill, concludes that there’s a family of killers working together. the final painting is of jughead, who is attending his first alcoholics anonymous meeting. jughead, apparently, had been surprised that going to iowa for college wasn’t exciting, and turned to drinking instead of making friends. he got a book agent and moved to new york, specifically the east village, which was always archie’s plan for them, but with archie at war and unaware that jughead still exists, it’s not the same. jughead gets a new girlfriend, gets into drugs, and gets a book published when he finds out that he writes best when high out of his mind, which is what i’m sure stephen king used to say before he wrote the back half of IT and realised nothing was good or made sense. but we don’t have time to dwell on that, because when betty tells jughead she can’t make it to his book launch, he leaves her a bitchy voicemail and blacks out for three days. except really he had fallen into a sewer and gotten rabies and hallucinated someone called “the rat king” because he didn’t want to think about the fact he had rats crawling over him, and then he imagined betty as an angel saving him from the sewer before it got flooded, because otherwise jughead would have stayed there forever. jughead, apparently, is more caught up on the betty thing than the fact he’s one of fifteen people to survive rabies and nobody bothered to tell him that for two years. he’s a little torn up about no one missing him during that time though, which is fair, considering nobody is really missing him now when he’s been gone for weeks. jughead pledges to get his drinking under control, and good for him. he deserves to heal. he should really do that by getting over betty though, because this alcoholics anonymous meeting is taking place in the same building where betty has a main chained up, and it’s hard to see his vision of her as angel when she’s threatening to castrate someone like 100 feet away. at least your last girlfriend stayed by your bed when you had rabies, dude. betty would have left you to die in the sewer. i know the heart wants what the heart wants, but at this point it’s just sad. 

and that’s what you missed on riverdale!

going to start recapping episodes of riverdale like the “here’s what you missed on glee” guy.

[supreme-duck-blog]

history of homestuck (not mine)

John lives in a house in a suburb filled with houses by a lake and its *beautiful!!* In the year negative a billion– John might not have been here. In the year negative 40000 he still wasnt here, but his ancestors were. So was betty crocker. But she sucks. Then time passed and time shit happened and now theres lots of ~kids~ Because it’s normal. Ding dong, it’s gamebro magazine and they have important news. Like really shitty reviews. And a game called ~sburb~ Now everyone has heard about sburb. That means if you own sburb then you can play the game, which is what everyone needs to *survive.* So that makes you important. Sburb hosts and server players spread all across the land and all the way to here. [points to america] The most important players were here, here, here, and here. But this one was the most most important started by John, or the heir of breath. Then the world started being destroyed by meteors. John made some changes, like getting into the game, and making the others more like his game, which was a game that got people into the game. “Hey random person!” Said john. “HEY DIPSHIT.” said a troll. “Can you call me something other than dipshit?” said John. “LIKE WHAT?” said the troll. “How about John Egbert?” Said john. And they got trolled by some trolls and wrote a guide. About themselves. And then they made a bunch of items and some more game dvds. Then they stopped changing povs every time a character did something and stayed with one person for a while, with Rose. And they got Dave in finally, lets get that squared away. A weird hipster named Vriska is bored of the slow playing and talks to John who begins to trust her which causes ~shipping~ Leaves and comes back causing John to be ~great~ for a while. And the game became a little easier so John didn’t give a shit about the chance of dying So if you do care about your fragile morality how are you supposed to protect your ass from Imps? ~Ascend to God Tier~ Everyone started focusing on going god tier. -People who got to quest bed went god tier. People who did not get to quest bed did not go god tier. God tiers became powerful and everyone wanted to become god tier. But the game didn’t care and killed them anyways. They let the kids go god tier but the game was actually still in control. Breaking news, Jack Noir has invaded the troll session. “I have invaded the troll session.” Said jack noir. “Please respect me or else I might kill you as well.” “Okay.” say the beta kids. [pulling out their weapons.] The trolls tried to run away and got killed by jack noir. But the kids were upset and got ready for battle and had a nice time fighting but then died to jack noir. Then the game kills John, but john comes back to life and wanders around skaia and meets WV. And John can stay alive a little longer, if he wants that’s fine. ~Now theres more trolls~ Like humans but grey and with horns, symbols, coolorful blood, quirks, ocs, and buckets. It’s time for who’s going to be the next leader. Sollux wanted it to be terezi, but terezi didn’t want to lead. So he tries to get someone else to be the leader of the red team, but no one wants to. So who’s it gonna be? Vote now on your husktops. And everyone voted so hard Karkat got angry and started yelling. Sollux actually didn’t care, he didnt want to play anymore anyways. And the entire game broke into pieces. Karkat became leader and the game was ok for a short period. Knock knock. It’s Vriska. No, she doesnt want to take over, she just wants to be a hero. By creating Jack noir. And killing Tavros. So that’s great. But everyone is still fighting each other. Now with Gamzee! Wouldn’t it be nice to be safe for once, with no one out to kill you? This troll (Eridan) Kills Feferi and Kanaya, but is then chainsawed in half by a vampire who came back to life. Surprise surprise, Gamzee’s on a murderous rampage. On that rampage, one troll named Equius gets killed and Nepeta is upset. Who also gets killed. Vriska is just about to go fight jack noir but he kills everyone else, so Terezi uses her seer powers to kill her and keep this from happening. And then she felt really really bad. “We are going to breed frogs and hopefully win the game” said Dave who tried but jack noir came and he died. But before he died his past self became his sprite and was now hanging out with his bro until jack noir came again. And jack noir was like “yeah right, it’s not gonna be a happy ending, you’re gonna die. Cuz I’m angry.” And so he killed Bro and almost Davesprite, who had his wing cut off and somehow bleeds despite being a sprite. A lot of people hate Jack, but Jade was just kinda ok with him. Someone comes and kills jade, and jack gets mad. Jack kills him, but jade is still dead. ~Cascade~ And Jack takes Jade to the quest bed to go dog tier and save everyone’s life. But don’t get confused, Dave and Rose set off the tumor. And they died on their quest bed and ascended in the green sun with Aradia and Sollux who were also there. PM got a ring and looked just like jack. Except for the whole black and white thing, but they were equal in every other way. Now that everyone’s going somewhere we change povs to the alpha kids. There was Jane, Roxy, Jake, and Dirk who were the “ancestors” of the beta kids. Except there was betty crocker, carapaces, sburb alpha, gcat, and looming death. They tried to play the game and failed miserably so Dirk had to save their asses. We’re talking time shenanigans on rocketboards while freestyling and jumping through portals to all meet up, maybe even sea hitler. Over time they met Caliborn and Calliope and met with the others and– Knock knock. It’s the Trickster Arc. With drugs. And candy. Drug candy. “Come, play with us. Stop, running away.” said the Tricksters. There was really nothing they could do so they got high on candy and got to their quest beds but then had a hangover and died in a fire. They ascended and got thrown in jail by jade and jane. “That sucks!” They said. “This sucks!!” And with help from John’s retcon powers they got out. And somehow Jake had an imaginary dirk and had a hope temper tantrum, which jade couldn’t do anything about. Then she got crushed by a falling tower. And everyone else finally caught up, and was like “oh no.” And then the becs caught up and everyone was like “Oh no.” And you know what else was bad? That’s right, Fish hitler. So what did she do? Join the party. The becs start to take jade from under the tower and start to fly away. And Dave rushes in out of nowhere and says “stop no you cant do that we were gonna heal her with Jane’s lifey powers to save her” and they fly away anyways with Dave in pursuit. Then, Terezi finds Gamzee and they talk about their feelings. Did I say talk? I meant kick each others asses. And Jake says “Can you maybe chill?” And Gamzee says “How bout maybe YOU chill?” John kinda hates Caliborn. You’ll never guess who kinda hates John. Caliborn! So John and Caliborn start fighting because they really hate each other. Feeling really confident, John beats the shit out of caliborn and then gets zapped away with retcon powers. ~It’s time for s game over~ Everyone’s about to die. Because Aranea decided to do something different and everyone’s freaking out and Fish Hitler is about to fucking kill everybody. Meanwhile, Gamzee is still kicking Terezi’s ass and Karkat is *ANGRY.* and the next thing he does is get stabbed in the gut by Gamzee and enrages Kanaya. Kanaya slices Gamzee in half, who still has this fucking codpiece, because he killed Karkat who was friends with Kanaya and Karkat wanted to save Terezi who was getting beat up by Gamzee because of a terrible Kismesis. Err, actually, it probably wasn’t a kismesis at all. And Kanaya had a chainsaw. So you know what that means, duhh. ~Meanwhile with Aranea~ Aranea tries to stab Jane, which she wanted to do anyways. So she sort of manipul8ed a sword her way, but then Jake blocked it! And then the sword stabbed Jane too because swords are long. Now Dave and the Becs are at Jade’s questbed and congratulations, becs, you dropped her there and are now going to fight Dave 2 on 1 with totally unfair odds all for something really stupid that really shouldn’t have happened. And yes, Dave ends up dying to both of them at once. And also Sea Hitler kills Kanaya with a laser of death which makes rose ~super pissed~ And she starts charging at condy who kills her with a trident. That was bad but Roxy saved her from complete obliteration with voidy powers so that’s ok I guess. Planets are thrown around and Condy chokes Aranea who is like “noo don’t do that its mean and i have the ring of life which means im not supposed to be able to die…” And Condy said ~“how bout I do, anyway?”~ And Condy flipped the ring off her finger, and everyone’s pretty much dead now. You’ve got mail! Its from Terezi, who somehow isnt dead. She wants John to fix everything and keep everyone from dying. This was also forwarded to Roxy. They all decided to because they were alive. ~It’s time for S collide~ Vriska is alive in the new timeline who talked to some kids, then some more kids, then some more more kids on how to fight and terezi has a mental br8kdown and sees other timelines and is like “holy shiiit” and she sees another vriska and terezi together because they are ~good friends~ and then the omegapause happened and everyone started crying because “homestuck isnt updating so i dont know what to do. Plus there’s undertale and thats pretty cool.” Suddenly there’s upd8s again and everyone starts fighting but with a little less death. Less death than any other big flash, ever. Somehow. But they still get their asses kicked, things look bad for them, but suddenly heir of grief and serenity happened and they started kicking ass. But then Dirk gets Dirkapitated in the fight by Dave and they use timey powers to get out alive. Jack’s head explodes. And then Roxy kills Condy and everyone’s really happy. And PM punches Jade in the face because she was upset. And she cuts off jacks arm after a literal eternity of being threatened. And she punches him in the face too. (you win) After all this shit Jade finally makes the universe frog with just enough ingredients for a ~whole new universe~ and everyone is happy and free in the new universe. And also not dead. They make can town and repopulate earth. But then again Vriska is still gone and no one knows where she is for some reason. ~~bye~~

[healthcaretipsblog]

/Film had a one-on-one interview with Jason Micallef, developer and showrunner of the Heathers TV adaptation, after his Television Critics Association panel. We’ll bring you that full interview when the show premieres in March, but during out conversation, Micallef revealed that episode four would have a Kill Bill style fight scene with croquet mallets. One of the croquet fighters is Betty Finn (Nikki SooHoo). Micallef also said that Heathers would shoot full R-rated language for streaming and digital. It will only be bleeped when it airs on the Paramount Network and he confirmed the line “F––k me gently with a chainsaw,” made iconic after the original Heathers movie, is in the show.

During the TCA panel, Micallef and the show’s cast spoke about updating the 1989 film for 2018.

“I thought now was the perfect time for it. I think the original film was released in 1989 at the end of the Reagen era and in a time of transition,” Micallef said. “Now we’re in another clearly political time with transition.”

Heathers introduces a new variety of popular Heathers at Westerberg high. Heather Chandler (Melanie Field) is plus size and still the leader.

“Particularly in the area of social media, which is a huge topic on our show, there’s always a new app or platform for marketing yourself, the version you want the world or your peers to see,” Field said. “It’s changed the way people, particularly high school students are interacting. There’s a lot of really one-sided conversation. She’s created her own brand. She pretty much doesn’t give [a damn] what you think about it. She created that for herself. Her peers idolize her for it and fear her for her confidence. She has her own brand of style and unapologetic way of living that is paired wit h her social media presence. She’s social media famous.”

Heather McNamara (Jasmine Matthews) is a black woman with a black father and white mother. Heather Duke (Brendan Scanneli) is a gender fluid man.

“One of my takeaways from the movie and we talk about on the show is power corrupts,” Scanneli said. “Everyone at their core is kind of an asshole. The movie, we have these three beautiful white women who you wouldn’t expect to be wreaking havoc on the school. That was new and hadn’t been seen before. Our modern retelling of it, we’ve got traditionally marginalized communities, a black Heather, a plus sized Heather, a queer Heather, these communities that still face discrimination but in our show are turning it on their head, using the power of the internet and pure self confidence to trash everyone around them.”

Grace Victoria Cox plays Veronica, and James Sculley is J.D. Original Heather Shannen Doherty cameos as a new character, who appears in the very first scene of the premiere episode.

“[Doherty] is in three episodes, cameo style,” Micallef said.

Hallmarks of the movie get a twist. The rock band Big Fun’s hit song “Teenage Suicide (Don’t Do It)” is now the title of a high school musical Westerberg High is performing in episode three. Martha “Dump Truck” is still a target of the Heathers, but no longer for being overweight, but rather for being poor.

“Martha Dump Truck’s character’s been slightly altered, but she does exist,” Micallef said.

In a post-Columbine world, Heathers’ brand of satire dealing with high school violence and teen suicide may seem taboo. Micallef felt it was important to tackle such persistent issues head on.

“It’s not responsible,” Micallef said. “It’s dark, it’s edgy, we’re trying to show them as they really are. We do get every hot button issue including suicide. Because we are a TV show, unlike the film, we have a lot more time to get into what makes these characters click. In the original movie, Heather Chandler is just simply a monster. On our show, because we have more time, we’re able to go behind that, see what’s that about, is she really a a monster. I don’t view the Heathers, in the movie or our show, as the villains at all. I view them as victims in their own right. They just manage to, through self-confidence, take that. We’re able to explore that because we’re a television show. Yes, the Heathers are aspirational, I think even more so. They have all the best lines. When you watch the original movie, they’re the people you want to be, fortunately or unfortunately.“

The 2018 update gives Veronica a more active role in the killings. In the movie, J.D. sets up the first two as accidents, and then Veronica tries to put a stop to it.

“We have the opportunity to explore it differently,” Cox said. “You go from two hours to 10. People get to see a different side to their relationship and them as characters.”

Sculley appreciated the more even two-hander. “A really interesting thing is in the movie, I feel like Christian’s doing a lot of the pulling sort of until the final act,” Sculley said. “Veronica is doing a lot of the following. Because we have 10 episodes, I think the give and take nature of the relationship becomes a lot more intense and interesting.”

More specifically, Veronica will make some different choices in the show. “That was one of the main changes,” Micallef said. “The first problem I had everyone tackle was it’s 2018. No one’s going to watch a girl for 10 episodes follow a guy around murdering people and whining about it. We crafted some very, very, very major character changes for Veronica Sawyer that come in later in the series.”

The parents of Westerberg also bear responsibility for the students’ dysfunction.

“We were very conscious of making sure all the adults are completely not seeing these kids at all,” Micallef said. “Some are trying, some are not trying, but they’re all not seeing. All the adults, when we film them we do that low angle look so they feel more distant and remote. The season obviously ends in some very dark places. Everyone’s to blame but certainly the adults, the teachers and law enforcement shoulder a lot.”

Fans of the movie may anticipate the fates of Heather Chandler, Kurt (Cameron Gellman) and Ram (Cayden Boyd). Micallef said a lot of the cast does not make it through the first season.

“Yes, people do die,” Micallef said. “It is Heathers. Somewhere, more than one and less than five of these people [on the panel] are going to bite the bullet at various different times.”

In success, Micallef suggested that a second season of Heathers could tell new stories in the world of Heathers as an anthology.

“We have to get picked up for a second season,” Micallef said. “The idea is to take the spirit and then reset and run with it. The first season is really a jumping off point using the original film and then we’re totally rebooting. It’s a completely different show than the original movie. Heathers was like my Star Wars. This show is like a love letter to the original movie. Your viewing of it will be so much more enhanced if you watch the original movie beforehand. There are so many easter eggs and lines twisted and turned. Even little things hidden in the set. I am excited to reinvent every year.”

Look for /Film’s interview with creator Jason Micallef when Heathers premieres March 7, 2018 on Paramount Network.

The post ‘Heathers’ TV Show Will Have a ‘Kill Bill’-Style Fight With Croquet Mallets, F-Bombs And More [TCA 2018] appeared first on /Film.

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[elementaldragonninja]

A Brief Summary of Homestuck

Hussie: Okay, so there are these kids.

Hussie: And they play this video game.

Hussie: And then it causes the world to die and turns their dead relatives into floating prankster game guides and propels them into a dimension where they have their own planets covered in dumb talking salamanders and crocodiles and then they die (no, really, everyone dies) and then they all come back to life again but there's also a lot more dying and floating dream versions of themselves in pajamas which are liable to also die and prophesied stone beds and also did I mention there are these other kids only these kids are trolls and they happen to be the gods and creators of our world and our zodiac comes from them and they live on a planet where there are four kinds of romance and sex is mandatory and involves buckets and instead of parents they are raised by wild animals and they have a version of the hunger games only it happens when they're toddlers and everyone has to do it to live and also DID I MENTION that there's time travel and alternate timelines and omniscient beings with cue balls for heads and oh by the way there's also a whole crew of black and green gangsters based off of the card suits and pool balls who murder each other whilst finding licorice in their hats and ALSO WOW DON'T FORGET the trolls and the kids actually talk to each other because turns out that somehow the kids managed to screw up their game by sending in a superpumped villain that was the result of the prototyping of one of the kids' pet dog which incidentally happened because of one of the trolls so damn whose fault is it really but anyway their successful game turned into ultimate failure haha although it would have been anyway because a mutant troll friendleader gave our universe cancer and did I mention our universe is a frog well anyway they all die too mostly from killing each other, you know the usual cliche death scenes of a blind roleplaying girl with a tongue fetish spearing a one eyed 8itch with butterfly wings and a pirate fetish with her cane sword on the roof of a laboratory floating on a meteor and the overused reanimated glowing fashion vampire chainsawing a genocidal forever alone fish alien on wizard crack in two or even the totes predictable part where the generally stoned and harmless juggalo alien runs out of pie and goes out to murder motherfuckin everybody but lol none of that matters btw because in the end the super intense game plan that one of the kids went grimdark for turned out to be a giant fluke and so instead of fixing the game they ended up hanging out together on an asteroid wrestling each other over capes and drawing penises in smut books and drinking blood coffee while two of the other kids played Ghostbusters MMORPGs on a floating ship shrunk by a narcoleptic furry between two windows in the house of the author who may or may not be dead because WAIT THERE'S MORE turns out there's gonna be a whole new game session with the guardians of the first kids in a reset universe as kids again only surprise surprise this game is doomed too and did we mention that the most serious of these new universe kids is a big Rainbow Dash fan and that another one is a drunken fourteen-year-old who gives pumpkins to a species based off of chess pieces and that by the way the two pairs of them are separated by about four hundred years and that the villain in their world is Betty Crocker and that a sassy big-haired fish alien princess has taken over the world and that the presidents are two juggalos who put everyone into death camps until a badass with a sword kills them both on the roof of the White House and then literally jumps on a skateboard and ollies out into space and that this is all legitimate history to be taken seriously as it actually basically killed off the world?

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie: And also I kiss Rufio from Hook.

[no-dont-do-it]

A Brief Summary of Homestuck

Hussie: Okay, so there are these kids.

Hussie: And they play this video game.

Hussie: And then it causes the world to die and turns their dead relatives into floating prankster game guides and propels them into a dimension where they have their own planets covered in dumb talking salamanders and crocodiles and then they die (no, really, everyone dies) and then they all come back to life again but there's also a lot more dying and floating dream versions of themselves in pajamas which are liable to also die and prophesied stone beds and also did I mention there are these other kids only these kids are trolls and they happen to be the gods and creators of our world and our zodiac comes from them and they live on a planet where there are four kinds of romance and sex is mandatory and involves buckets and instead of parents they are raised by wild animals and they have a version of the hunger games only it happens when they're toddlers and everyone has to do it to live and also DID I MENTION that there's time travel and alternate timelines and omniscient beings with cue balls for heads and oh by the way there's also a whole crew of black and green gangsters based off of the card suits and pool balls who murder each other whilst finding licorice in their hats and ALSO WOW DON'T FORGET the trolls and the kids actually talk to each other because turns out that somehow the kids managed to screw up their game by sending in a superpumped villain that was the result of the prototyping of one of the kids' pet dog which incidentally happened because of one of the trolls so damn whose fault is it really but anyway their successful game turned into ultimate failure haha although it would have been anyway because a mutant troll friendleader gave our universe cancer and did I mention our universe is a frog well anyway they all die too mostly from killing each other, you know the usual cliche death scenes of a blind roleplaying girl with a tongue fetish spearing a one eyed 8itch with butterfly wings and a pirate fetish with her cane sword on the roof of a laboratory floating on a meteor and the overused reanimated glowing fashion vampire chainsawing a genocidal forever alone fish alien on wizard crack in two or even the totes predictable part where the generally stoned and harmless juggalo alien runs out of pie and goes out to murder motherfuckin everybody but lol none of that matters btw because in the end the super intense game plan that one of the kids went grimdark for turned out to be a giant fluke and so instead of fixing the game they ended up hanging out together on an asteroid wrestling each other over capes and drawing penises in smut books and drinking blood coffee while two of the other kids played Ghostbusters MMORPGs on a floating ship shrunk by a narcoleptic furry between two windows in the house of the author who may or may not be dead because WAIT THERE'S MORE turns out there's gonna be a whole new game session with the guardians of the first kids in a reset universe as kids again only surprise surprise this game is doomed too and did we mention that the most serious of these new universe kids is a big Rainbow Dash fan and that another one is a drunken fourteen-year-old who gives pumpkins to a species based off of chess pieces and that by the way the two pairs of them are separated by about four hundred years and that the villain in their world is Betty Crocker and that a sassy big-haired fish alien princess has taken over the world and that the presidents are two juggalos who put everyone into death camps until a badass with a sword kills them both on the roof of the White House and then literally jumps on a skateboard and ollies out into space and that this is all legitimate history to be taken seriously as it actually basically killed off the world?

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie: And also I kiss Rufio from Hook.

[snepdragon]

A Brief Summary of Homestuck

Hussie: Okay, so there are these kids.

Hussie: And they play this video game.

Hussie: And then it causes the world to die and turns their dead relatives into floating prankster game guides and propels them into a dimension where they have their own planets covered in dumb talking salamanders and crocodiles and then they die (no, really, everyone dies) and then they all come back to life again but there's also a lot more dying and floating dream versions of themselves in pajamas which are liable to also die and prophesied stone beds and also did I mention there are these other kids only these kids are trolls and they happen to be the gods and creators of our world and our zodiac comes from them and they live on a planet where there are four kinds of romance and sex is mandatory and involves buckets and instead of parents they are raised by wild animals and they have a version of the hunger games only it happens when they're toddlers and everyone has to do it to live and also DID I MENTION that there's time travel and alternate timelines and omniscient beings with cue balls for heads and oh by the way there's also a whole crew of black and green gangsters based off of the card suits and pool balls who murder each other whilst finding licorice in their hats and ALSO WOW DON'T FORGET the trolls and the kids actually talk to each other because turns out that somehow the kids managed to screw up their game by sending in a superpumped villain that was the result of the prototyping of one of the kids' pet dog which incidentally happened because of one of the trolls so damn whose fault is it really but anyway their successful game turned into ultimate failure haha although it would have been anyway because a mutant troll friendleader gave our universe cancer and did I mention our universe is a frog well anyway they all die too mostly from killing each other, you know the usual cliche death scenes of a blind roleplaying girl with a tongue fetish spearing a one eyed 8itch with butterfly wings and a pirate fetish with her cane sword on the roof of a laboratory floating on a meteor and the overused reanimated glowing fashion vampire chainsawing a genocidal forever alone fish alien on wizard crack in two or even the totes predictable part where the generally stoned and harmless juggalo alien runs out of pie and goes out to murder motherfuckin everybody but lol none of that matters btw because in the end the super intense game plan that one of the kids went grimdark for turned out to be a giant fluke and so instead of fixing the game they ended up hanging out together on an asteroid wrestling each other over capes and drawing penises in smut books and drinking blood coffee while two of the other kids played Ghostbusters MMORPGs on a floating ship shrunk by a narcoleptic furry between two windows in the house of the author who may or may not be dead because WAIT THERE'S MORE turns out there's gonna be a whole new game session with the guardians of the first kids in a reset universe as kids again only surprise surprise this game is doomed too and did we mention that the most serious of these new universe kids is a big Rainbow Dash fan and that another one is a drunken fourteen-year-old who gives pumpkins to a species based off of chess pieces and that by the way the two pairs of them are separated by about four hundred years and that the villain in their world is Betty Crocker and that a sassy big-haired fish alien princess has taken over the world and that the presidents are two juggalos who put everyone into death camps until a badass with a sword kills them both on the roof of the White House and then literally jumps on a skateboard and ollies out into space and that this is all legitimate history to be taken seriously as it actually basically killed off the world?

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie: And also I kiss Rufio from Hook.

[bxllcypher]

A Brief Summary of Homestuck

Hussie: Okay, so there are these kids.

Hussie: And they play this video game.

Hussie: And then it causes the world to die and turns their dead relatives into floating prankster game guides and propels them into a dimension where they have their own planets covered in dumb talking salamanders and crocodiles and then they die (no, really, everyone dies) and then they all come back to life again but there's also a lot more dying and floating dream versions of themselves in pajamas which are liable to also die and prophesied stone beds and also did I mention there are these other kids only these kids are trolls and they happen to be the gods and creators of our world and our zodiac comes from them and they live on a planet where there are four kinds of romance and sex is mandatory and involves buckets and instead of parents they are raised by wild animals and they have a version of the hunger games only it happens when they're toddlers and everyone has to do it to live and also DID I MENTION that there's time travel and alternate timelines and omniscient beings with cue balls for heads and oh by the way there's also a whole crew of black and green gangsters based off of the card suits and pool balls who murder each other whilst finding licorice in their hats and ALSO WOW DON'T FORGET the trolls and the kids actually talk to each other because turns out that somehow the kids managed to screw up their game by sending in a superpumped villain that was the result of the prototyping of one of the kids' pet dog which incidentally happened because of one of the trolls so damn whose fault is it really but anyway their successful game turned into ultimate failure haha although it would have been anyway because a mutant troll friendleader gave our universe cancer and did I mention our universe is a frog well anyway they all die too mostly from killing each other, you know the usual cliche death scenes of a blind roleplaying girl with a tongue fetish spearing a one eyed 8itch with butterfly wings and a pirate fetish with her cane sword on the roof of a laboratory floating on a meteor and the overused reanimated glowing fashion vampire chainsawing a genocidal forever alone fish alien on wizard crack in two or even the totes predictable part where the generally stoned and harmless juggalo alien runs out of pie and goes out to murder motherfuckin everybody but lol none of that matters btw because in the end the super intense game plan that one of the kids went grimdark for turned out to be a giant fluke and so instead of fixing the game they ended up hanging out together on an asteroid wrestling each other over capes and drawing penises in smut books and drinking blood coffee while two of the other kids played Ghostbusters MMORPGs on a floating ship shrunk by a narcoleptic furry between two windows in the house of the author who may or may not be dead because WAIT THERE'S MORE turns out there's gonna be a whole new game session with the guardians of the first kids in a reset universe as kids again only surprise surprise this game is doomed too and did we mention that the most serious of these new universe kids is a big Rainbow Dash fan and that another one is a drunken fourteen-year-old who gives pumpkins to a species based off of chess pieces and that by the way the two pairs of them are separated by about four hundred years and that the villain in their world is Betty Crocker and that a sassy big-haired fish alien princess has taken over the world and that the presidents are two juggalos who put everyone into death camps until a badass with a sword kills them both on the roof of the White House and then literally jumps on a skateboard and ollies out into space and that this is all legitimate history to be taken seriously as it actually basically killed off the world?

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie: And also I kiss Rufio from Hook.

[candy-scorn]

A Brief Summary of Homestuck

Hussie: Okay, so there are these kids.

Hussie: And they play this video game.

Hussie: And then it causes the world to die and turns their dead relatives into floating prankster game guides and propels them into a dimension where they have their own planets covered in dumb talking salamanders and crocodiles and then they die (no, really, everyone dies) and then they all come back to life again but there's also a lot more dying and floating dream versions of themselves in pajamas which are liable to also die and prophesied stone beds and also did I mention there are these other kids only these kids are trolls and they happen to be the gods and creators of our world and our zodiac comes from them and they live on a planet where there are four kinds of romance and sex is mandatory and involves buckets and instead of parents they are raised by wild animals and they have a version of the hunger games only it happens when they're toddlers and everyone has to do it to live and also DID I MENTION that there's time travel and alternate timelines and omniscient beings with cue balls for heads and oh by the way there's also a whole crew of black and green gangsters based off of the card suits and pool balls who murder each other whilst finding licorice in their hats and ALSO WOW DON'T FORGET the trolls and the kids actually talk to each other because turns out that somehow the kids managed to screw up their game by sending in a superpumped villain that was the result of the prototyping of one of the kids' pet dog which incidentally happened because of one of the trolls so damn whose fault is it really but anyway their successful game turned into ultimate failure haha although it would have been anyway because a mutant troll friendleader gave our universe cancer and did I mention our universe is a frog well anyway they all die too mostly from killing each other, you know the usual cliche death scenes of a blind roleplaying girl with a tongue fetish spearing a one eyed 8itch with butterfly wings and a pirate fetish with her cane sword on the roof of a laboratory floating on a meteor and the overused reanimated glowing fashion vampire chainsawing a genocidal forever alone fish alien on wizard crack in two or even the totes predictable part where the generally stoned and harmless juggalo alien runs out of pie and goes out to murder motherfuckin everybody but lol none of that matters btw because in the end the super intense game plan that one of the kids went grimdark for turned out to be a giant fluke and so instead of fixing the game they ended up hanging out together on an asteroid wrestling each other over capes and drawing penises in smut books and drinking blood coffee while two of the other kids played Ghostbusters MMORPGs on a floating ship shrunk by a narcoleptic furry between two windows in the house of the author who may or may not be dead because WAIT THERE'S MORE turns out there's gonna be a whole new game session with the guardians of the first kids in a reset universe as kids again only surprise surprise this game is doomed too and did we mention that the most serious of these new universe kids is a big Rainbow Dash fan and that another one is a drunken fourteen-year-old who gives pumpkins to a species based off of chess pieces and that by the way the two pairs of them are separated by about four hundred years and that the villain in their world is Betty Crocker and that a sassy big-haired fish alien princess has taken over the world and that the presidents are two juggalos who put everyone into death camps until a badass with a sword kills them both on the roof of the White House and then literally jumps on a skateboard and ollies out into space and that this is all legitimate history to be taken seriously as it actually basically killed off the world?

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie: And also I kiss Rufio from Hook.

[ghostboyjules]

A Brief Summary of Homestuck

Hussie: Okay, so there are these kids.

Hussie: And they play this video game.

Hussie: And then it causes the world to die and turns their dead relatives into floating prankster game guides and propels them into a dimension where they have their own planets covered in dumb talking salamanders and crocodiles and then they die (no, really, everyone dies) and then they all come back to life again but there's also a lot more dying and floating dream versions of themselves in pajamas which are liable to also die and prophesied stone beds and also did I mention there are these other kids only these kids are trolls and they happen to be the gods and creators of our world and our zodiac comes from them and they live on a planet where there are four kinds of romance and sex is mandatory and involves buckets and instead of parents they are raised by wild animals and they have a version of the hunger games only it happens when they're toddlers and everyone has to do it to live and also DID I MENTION that there's time travel and alternate timelines and omniscient beings with cue balls for heads and oh by the way there's also a whole crew of black and green gangsters based off of the card suits and pool balls who murder each other whilst finding licorice in their hats and ALSO WOW DON'T FORGET the trolls and the kids actually talk to each other because turns out that somehow the kids managed to screw up their game by sending in a superpumped villain that was the result of the prototyping of one of the kids' pet dog which incidentally happened because of one of the trolls so damn whose fault is it really but anyway their successful game turned into ultimate failure haha although it would have been anyway because a mutant troll friendleader gave our universe cancer and did I mention our universe is a frog well anyway they all die too mostly from killing each other, you know the usual cliche death scenes of a blind roleplaying girl with a tongue fetish spearing a one eyed 8itch with butterfly wings and a pirate fetish with her cane sword on the roof of a laboratory floating on a meteor and the overused reanimated glowing fashion vampire chainsawing a genocidal forever alone fish alien on wizard crack in two or even the totes predictable part where the generally stoned and harmless juggalo alien runs out of pie and goes out to murder motherfuckin everybody but lol none of that matters btw because in the end the super intense game plan that one of the kids went grimdark for turned out to be a giant fluke and so instead of fixing the game they ended up hanging out together on an asteroid wrestling each other over capes and drawing penises in smut books and drinking blood coffee while two of the other kids played Ghostbusters MMORPGs on a floating ship shrunk by a narcoleptic furry between two windows in the house of the author who may or may not be dead because WAIT THERE'S MORE turns out there's gonna be a whole new game session with the guardians of the first kids in a reset universe as kids again only surprise surprise this game is doomed too and did we mention that the most serious of these new universe kids is a big Rainbow Dash fan and that another one is a drunken fourteen-year-old who gives pumpkins to a species based off of chess pieces and that by the way the two pairs of them are separated by about four hundred years and that the villain in their world is Betty Crocker and that a sassy big-haired fish alien princess has taken over the world and that the presidents are two juggalos who put everyone into death camps until a badass with a sword kills them both on the roof of the White House and then literally jumps on a skateboard and ollies out into space and that this is all legitimate history to be taken seriously as it actually basically killed off the world?

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie:

Hussie: And also I kiss Rufio from Hook.