#girl you do not want to watch 9 people with complete presentations go and then give your speech

[densewentz]

i think the turning point in my life both academically and professionally was realizing that. If you Go First, be it a presentation or an interview or whatever. If you go first, you are being judged based on NOTHING but yourself. They aren't comparing you to anyone else, you don't have an act to "follow". You are the Bar. You can literally just do the best you can and at that point it will automatically be the best they've seen so far. And once you're done you're done. You can mentally and emotionally check out.

Game changer insofar as being stressed about presenting because now I just bulldoze over everyone else to go first like a feral hog.

[arcaenawrites]

Charmed at first sight

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Lyney x Fem!Reader

SFW | reader has a panic attack

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You’ve been watching Lyney’s performances ever since you’ve arrived in Fontaine. The first time you saw him, his charms got to you. But what if the charming magician specifically chose to charm you?

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As the crowd waited in anticipation, you continued counting in your head. Was he really able to switch the people in the boxes?! You looked to your side, sitting right next to the second box where they led a girl into. 

10.. 

9…

8…

7…

6…

You counted down, hoping to be able to see Lyney from closer by. You don’t know why, but ever since you first saw him, you instantly fell for him head over heels. You knew it was stupid. After all, you had a terrible taste in partners. You somehow keep getting cheated on, or they reject you because they don’t feel the same way.

Suddenly you realize there’s only one second left and you snap out of your thoughts. It’s time! And just like clockwork, Lyney bursts through the door. You gasp in awe, admiring him from upclose for the first time. The audience shifts their attention to the second box, as the girl appears. Lyney has succesfully completed the trick. You however, do not even glance at the girl. Your eyes stay on Lyney, taking in the color of his eyes, the proud smile, the performance he put up.

Suddenly, he turns around and looks you straight in the eyes.

“Seems like this performance has captured the heart of a young lady here!~” he teased, saying it out loud for everyone to hear.

“Let’s surprise her with a next trick!”. And as he says that, he takes off his hat, puts it on your head, then pulls a bouquet of flowers out of nowhere and hands it to you with a wink, before bowing to the audience and making his way back to the stage, while Lynette was guiding the girl back to her seat.

You sat there, holding the bouquet while the hat covered most of your face. It was probably for the best, as you had never blushed this much ever before.

The end of the show was being announced now, and you managed to talk some sense into yourself. Your stupid brain had started daydreaming, but you knew his behavior was all simply a part of the show. Some questions lingered in your mind though. What are you to do with the hat? Isn’t he supposed to take it back? Doesn’t he need the hat for his shows? You’re not supposed to keep it are you?

You sigh and get up, walking to the reception hall where everyone is already eating little pastries and drinking wine and fonta. As soon as you set foot in the hall, people start crowding you. All of them wanted the hat or one of the flowers from your bouquet. You felt the flowers being ripped from your arms until none were left, and just as someone was about to grab Lyney’s hat from your head, a familiar voice sounded through the room. 

“What do you all think you’re doing?!”

Suddenly it went quiet, people looked shocked and stepped back, while you were shaking in your place, holding onto the hat for dear life while trampled flowers were to be found all over the floor around you.

“When I gave this lady these presents, they were for her. How DARE you take these from her with your greedy hands. The party is over. Go home.” He said, with a stern look on his face. Everyone quickly scurried out, embarrassment written all over their faces. You however, were locked in place. Absolutely terrified that taking a step would be too much. It probably was, considering you were shaking from head to toe. Lyney rushed toward you. 

“Are you okay, m’lady?” He asked, an expression of worry written over his face. You wanted to respond, you really wanted to, but when you opened your mouth, all that came out was a quiet sob as your legs gave out and you found yourself falling to the floor- except you never hit the floor, because Lyney managed to catch you before you did. 

“Lynette? Lynette I need your help!” He yelled to someone behind you. You were holding onto the hat in your arms, loudly sobbing as Lyney and Lynette brought you to their dressing room, seating you in a safe area. After letting you cry out while Lyney was gently patting your back, Lynette came over with a cup of tea. You drink tea and lightly chat with them as you calm down, although it’s mainly them talking while you nod or shake your head, still a bit shaken. After a while, you slowly stand up and apologize for taking up their time. You should go home and make dinner before it gets too late. You move to give Lyney his hat back, but he immediately places his hat back on your head and grabs your hand, kissing the back of it. 

“Let Lynette and I treat you to dinner, it was my fault you ended up in this situation to begin with. No bad blood between us alright?”

You smile softly. “Are you sure, mr. Lyney? I wouldn’t want to waste your time, I think I’ve already done enough of that..

Lyney looks at you with wide eyes. “But my lady, if I had no interest in you I would have never given you my hat and flowers to begin with. Let us dine together, I’m sure Father would be fine with it if you joined us.”

And with that, suddenly, you were by his side.

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I might write more on this or do other oneshots if requested, but my Lyney brainrot has been insane lately-

[imaginesforeveryone]

Navy Nurse (Part 1)

Pairing: Rooster x Y/N Summary: You were a Navy Nurse, formally a navy pilot. You moved into being a nurse after you had done your time in the air and wanted to go into being a nurse. But, being presented with an opportunity to leave you home base to go to California changed your life in a. few different aspects.  Warnings: flirting, drinking, 

You had finally made it. You completed your 4 years to get your bachelors degree in nursing. But, that wasn’t it for putting in work for you to begin your life. What you really wanted to do was be a Navy Nurse. So you decided instead of just going in as civilian, you’d do it all. Bootcamp, graduating, ranking up, the whole 9 yards, all while still being a nurse for the Navy men and women. It was pinning-on day for you, you were ranking up to a Captain now. You over see second and first lieutenant nurses now. Your father, also was in the Navy as a aviator at one point, but made it all the way to Commanding officer and constructor. Mike was his name, but most people knew him as Viper. People feared him, but people respected him. He was here to do your pinning today. 

“First Lieutenant Y/N "Rattle” Metcalf. Right now you stand here as our First Lieutenant. But, that changes.“ Your Major spoke into the microphone beside you. Stood at attention you looked out into the crowd, seeing your brother, and your father. 

"We would like to welcome Commanding Officer Mike "Viper” Metcalf to the stage to pin our Lieutenant here today.“ Your Major said as you watched your father stand slowly with his cane next to him. Taking slow steps with men by each side helping him to you. Keeping your face tight and serious trying not to cry. 

"First Lieutenant, we now grant you with the badge of a Captain.” Your major said handing the patch to your father who couldn’t help but smile. He tore off the your old patch and threw it to the ground. He lightly put the new Captain badge on, then giving a not to hard punch to seal with deal. Normally, you give the person being pinned a hard punch to the patch, but obviously your father wouldn’t do that to you. 

“Welcome Captain Y/n "Rattle” Metcalf.“ The major rang out into the mic and the crowd erupted, your family being the loudest. 

"At ease.” He said letting you celebrate along with everyone else. You pulled your dad in for a huge tight hug. 

“So proud of you my little girl.” He said into your ear. 

It was a few weeks later and you were back in the office with all your fellow nurses. With your new ranking came with new responsibilities. Now you were responsible for what the nurses on the floor were doing. What they needed to do. So you spent most of your day assigning them places, and helping out around the floor. It was a normal day. Until your commanding officer came in looking for you. 

“Captain.” You heard from behind you as you restocked a bunch of supplies. You turned and stood at attention. 

“At ease.” He said and you did so. 

“What can I do for you Commander?” You asked. 

“Take a walk with me.” He said. You were slightly confused but followed orders. 

“I know you’ve been here in Virginia, on this base since you came into the Navy. But, I have an offer for you.” He said as you walked down the hallway side by side with a straight posture. 

“Yes, I have sir. I’ve loved every moment of it. Made some amazing friends, and gained all my respect here.” You said agreeing with his statement. 

“But, we have a spot that has opened at the base in California. Specifically Fightertown. Top Gun is reopening so there will be more men and women going there. We need to staff up the hospital over there make sure we have enough people. But also need someone to go on the boat when there is training, and when this mission begins.” He explained the situation to him. You didn’t know what to say. You didn’t know if you wanted to leave this town, these people you grew with. But at the same time maybe a new place would be good for you. Also working with Top Gun would be a different thing in its own. 

“Yes Sir. Just have one question.” You said accepting his offer. 

“What is it?” He asked. 

“Will I be flying again?” You asked thinking back to the days when you were a naval aviator. You could fly, always could. Been in planes since you were born. Your dad was Viper for christ sake. He was not going to let his daughter go into the Navy and not fly at all. You wouldn’t say you were the best, but you were good. 

“We will not need you for the mission, but I believe they do want you to do some training with them.” He explained you. 

“Alright sir. When do I leave?” 

It was about a month later and you were settled into your new house in Fightertown, tomorrow you started with Top Gun. Not in the air yet but, going through simulations next to Maverick, who you father has known since his Top Gun days. You haven’t really made friends with anyone yet on base. So, you decided to go out and go to the Hard Deck, which was a Navy hang out. So maybe you’d meet some people. You weren’t going to wear your uniform because well for a few reasons. One being you don’t want someone trying to be friends with you just because of the last name you had, and two they were god awfully uncomfortable and ugly. You decided on a pair of tight blue jeans, a navy blue tank top to show off your tattooed arm, and chunky heeled leather boots. A little make up, your rings, but you kept your dog tags on, stuffing them into your shirt, the chain the only thing showing between the little bit of cleavage the tank top showed. Maybe you’d meet a cute boy. Grabbing your leather jacket off the hook before walking out your front door. You went to your Jeep Wrangler that you had brought along from Virginia so you weren’t without a car to get places. Getting in it and starting it, you backed up out of your driveway and headed to the Hard Deck. Arriving not to long later, the place was packed. It wasn’t like it was a Friday night it was only Thursday. Parking your car next to another Jeep, getting out, shutting your door and locking it. 

“Here goes nothing.” You said outloud to yourself as you walked towards the front door. Walking in and seeing the place almost packed enough that you couldn’t move. You pushed through to the bar and found a seat. You took it and waited for the bartender to come to you. 

“Hey there sweetie, what can I get ya?” The women behind the bar said coming up to you. 

“A beer and a shot of whiskey.” You said handing her your card. She smiled taking it from you and grabbing your drink. She came back just a few minutes later with your stuff and handed your card back. 

“Is it always this busy!?” You asked, yelling over the chatter and loud music. 

“Yeah, almost everyday after the Navy is done with their work day. You new here?” She asked. 

“Kind of. Been here about a month. Just recently settled in at my house. So thought I’d get out and learn this new place.” You told her. 

“Navy?” She asked. 

“Yeah. How did you know?” You asked as you tipped back your shot. 

“Just have the look. I’m Penny.” She said putting her hand out to shake. 

“Y/N!” You yelled out. 

“What do you do?” She asked being very friendly. 

“I’m a nurse now. But, came here to help out with Top Gun.” You told her thinking maybe she knew what that was considering how many fighter pilots come into this place.

“Oh, is that right? Must be a pretty good pilot for them to take you off nurse duty to fly.” She said wiping the counter in front of you. 

“Yeah. My father was the Commanding Officer back in the 80’s.” You told her. 

“Oh, who’s you father? I’ve had my fair share of running into many Top Gun men.” She asked leaning over the counter. 

“Mike "Viper” Metcalf.“ You told her. She smiled slightly. 

"Yeah, I knew of him. He had a soft spot for Maverick back in the day. But the must make you Rattle. I’ve heard of you. You’ve done some good things up there in the sky.” She said with a smile setting another beer and shot in front of you. 

“Just please don’t say my name, or who my father is. I don’t want people trying to be friends with me because of who I am.” You pleaded with her. 

“Course hon. Those are on the house.” She said walking away from you. You smiled and turned in your seat looking around the room. Seeing all the men and women drinking and having a good time. 

“Bradshaw!” You heard someone yelling catching your attention. You followed the women eyes and saw a man walking into the bar. He definitely caught your eye. He was tall, wide shoulders, wore a Hawaiian shirt, with a low cut tank top underneath, blue jeans and a pair of aviator hung off his nose. You watched as he walked in and to the back where the women in Navy Tans stood with a bunch of men in Navy Tans. So you assumed he was also in the Navy. 

“Penny, darling, can I get 4 beers please?” A man came over pushing himself between you and the person next to you. He was also a very pretty man. Perfect jaw line, wide shoulders, thick arms. But, you knew these kind of guys just by looking at him. An aviator that has had his ego fed for to long. 

“Hello there beautiful. I’m Jake, but you can call me Hangman.” He said smiling down on at you with a toothpick sticking out of his mouth.

“Y/N. But you can call me, Y/N.” You said being sarcastic. 

“Oh, feisty one huh? I like that.” He said taking his beer and taking a sip. 

“Bagman, leave the lady alone.” The women who yelled out to Bradshaw earlier said.

“Sorry about my friend, he’s a bit of a asshole.” She said smiling. Hangman rolled his eyes, grabbed his drinks, winked at you and walked away towards the very handsome man you saw earlier. 

“Natasha, or Phoenix.” She said shaking your hand. 

“Nice to meet you, I’m Y/N.” You said with a smile. 

“So, you in the Navy too?” She asked. 

“Yeah. You know the look?” You asked with a giggle thinking back to what Penny said not to long ago. 

“Yeah. I do, being one. What do you do?” She asked. 

“I’m a nurse.” You told her avoiding telling her about why you were really here because you didn’t know what she did. 

“Oh, alright. What’s you rank?” She asked sipping her beer. 

“Captain.” She said plainly. 

“Oh, wow. You’re very young. Would have thought 1st or 2nd Lieutenant.” She said looking you up and down. 

“Yeah, worked my ass off for the passed couple of years to get here.” You told her. All of a sudden the jukebox was unplugged and everyone booed. But quickly you heard a piano ring out. 

“Come on.” Phoenix said grabbing your arm with a smile. But grabbing your beer before you couldn’t. She pushed up to the front to stand behind the person playing the piano. Once she moved out of your view of seeing who was playing you saw, it was Bradshaw. He looked even better up close. You smiled as you heard “Great Balls of Fire” begin. You went over to stand in front of the piano so he could get a view of you, but so you could also get a good view of him. He looked up over his aviators at your as he began to sing. 

“You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain, too much love drives a man insane.” He sang out loud and everyone singing along. The song rang out across the bar. You sang along enjoying this moment, not being able to take your eyes off this man. 

“Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!!!” Everyone sang out the last line of the song. He reached for his sunglasses pushing them down to give you a wink before everyone came over to engulf him. You smiled as everyone cheered for him. You felt a slight breeze from behind you, noticing there was a sliding glass door that goes out to a deck. You decided to go out and get a breathe of fresh cool air, after sweating in there. You breathed in the cool salty ocean air and closed your eyes relaxing your body.

“Hey.” You heard a voice from behind you say. You turned to see it was Bradshaw. He had two beer and walked up next to you. He handed you a beer and took a swig of his. 

“Bradley Bradshaw.” He said putting his hand out to shake yours. 

“Bradley Bradshaw?” You asked confused at his name. 

“Yeah, yeah I know. Two Brads. You can call me Rooster.” He said laughing under his breathe. 

“Nice to meet you Rooster. Y/N.” You said taking a sip of you beer. 

“Well, I haven’t seen you around here.” He said turning around so his back was up against the railing, while you looked out to the ocean. 

“Yeah, I’m new to the area.” You said looking over at him. 

“Well, I’m pretty happy I see you now.” He said looking you in the eyes. You slightly blushed and turned to him. 

“Pretty happy I see you now also. Not too bad of a sight to look at.” You said with a smile. 

“Well if you think you will come here more often, here’s my number. Let me know when you come and I’ll be here.” He said handing you a piece of paper with his number. 

“Maybe I will, maybe I wont. Maybe see you around Rooster!” You said with a smile and you walked passed him. 

Maybe California wouldn’t be too bad after all.

[mceajc]

I watched a TERF interview

I didn't want to, but I felt I had to. The video is

I left a comment on the video. It turned out about 3k words. Here it is

I'm going to write comments as I listen, so apologies in advance for poor formatting or any other issues.

@2:35 Helen Joyce - whose background is in mathematics, and not the study of gender expression - went to speak to an expert on queer and trans experience, and threw away what was written and wrote it herself because she disagreed with it. How interesting that she imposed her own viewpoint on her readers bereft of expert opinion. Gender presentation doesn't have anything to do with sex and reproduction. That's the whole point about having a different word to describe it. @3:00 "I see continua everywhere I look ... all these things is a smooth continuum - the one thing that isn't is sex". I find it very strange for a scientist - a biologist no less - to say that sex is binary given the vast number of ways that biological organisms reproduce. Perhaps this exception only exists in your mind, and not reality, perhaps?

This statement is also provably false, because of the existence of intersex people - never mind the other organisms who have stranger lifecycles.

@3:35 "Language is used as something to express your thoughts clearly" Language is malleable and ever changing - and words for people who refuse to conform to this invisible binary have existed for centuries in cultures all across the world. If you want to be clearly understood, be careful how terms are used. So far, the terms "male", "man", "woman" and "female" have yet to be defined clearly. I hope they are, because I fail to see the rationality of the statements made so far with the definitons as I understand them.

@6:00 "My hands are female" What an odd turn of phrase. I would have used the word "feminine". Anyway, this sort of phraseology is a bit disingenuous. It makes it sound like there is no overlap whatsoever between the bodies of a male and female. If I said "anyone under 1.6 metres tall is female, because the average height of a male is 1.7 metres", people would - quite rightly - look at me like a complete imbecile. Helen gets to say essentially the same thing in a slightly oblique way and ... gets away with it?

@7:00 I would agree that some people do take things to the extreme and say things like "heteronormative is a bad thing". This does not make it less bad to have heteronormativity the assumed default, or to view "nontraditional" family units as inherently less valuable - or in some cases as actively bad. Assuming things like that does make someone a prejudiced bigot, whose views are unsupported by evidence.

@9:00 I see a strange dissonance between complaining about sex and gender stereotypes while also mocking the queer groups who go against these stereotypes. To then immediately follow this with the incoherent sentence "it's worse than ... if he doesn't like rugby he's a poofter and let's bully him, it's now saying he's actually a girl." I don't think anyone is saying you should treat a child who doesn't like rugby as a girl. This is a very strange assertion to make. Are there any examples of a child being treated as a girl because they didn't like rugby? What on earth is the point being made here? You seem to be the ones trying to enforce the "pink box blue box" binary, and I am glad you see the harm in this - hardly an argument against allowing a wider variety of gender expression.

@9:44 If people learn gender identity/expression from the stereotypes, then what is your explanation for the existence of gender nonconforming (nonbinary) folk - both trans and cis? Helen then goes on to assert that sissy boys are being encouraged to identify as girls? Where is the evidence for this?

@10:15 I do wonder whether people might be even happier if they got to explore different gender expressions and roles. It would likely affirm a great many peoples' feelings that they are secure in their own gender, as well as experience what life is like for others.

@11:00 I absolutely agree that there should not be pressure to be one thing or another.

@12:19 "your sex is the best guess that a doctor had when you were born" This is factually accurate, and mistakes are made. There are many documented cases where intersex people were operated upon as a baby when a determination fell between the "accepted range" for some physical characteristic. It's not as though doctors do genetic, endocrine and hormone testing on every baby and put that into a spreadsheet which then spits out "male" or "female" - mainly because even that would be unreliable.

@12:37 "a tiny number of people". I suppose if you think a "tiny number of people" is bigger than 160 million, and that's using the very lower end of the prevalence of intersex characteristics of 0.02% of 8 billion people. There could be many hundreds of thousands in the UK alone, and we will never know unless we perform invasive genome, hormone and other tests in order to find out.

@13:00 Echo chambers are not good, on that we agree. I would urge anyone to actually speak to trans folk and get to know them, rather than dismiss their lived experience out of hand.

@15:36 From a 2021 published study across some 30 OECD countries that legalised gam marriage, the suicide rate dropped between 10 and 20%. Other studies indicate that the rate of suicide for LGBT kids can be as high as eight times higher if the child is someone "who experience high levels of rejection from their families during adolescence".

@16:05 This is disingenuous - in all likelihood a lie. Yes, being on cross-sex hormones can produce sterility. No responsible doctor has ever given cross-sex hormones to a child. Puberty blockers, on the other hand, do exactly what they say and delay the onset of puberty. This allows time for everyone involved in the process to come to a decision. Often, the option is there to have sperm or eggs stored before any potentially irreversible effects happen. NOBODY is sterilising children. If anyone has evidence of this, absolutely those doctors should be reported. I have seen no evidence of this.

I'm a little surprised that so many people are shocked and appalled by the idea of sterility. Infertility affects up to 7% of men, and many millions of women. Many men and women choose sterility. Fertility is hardly a good measure of whether someone's life is worthwhile or not.

@16:35 I am very glad that there has not been an increase in children committing suicide. People commit suicide when they are out of options and that's the last positive action they can take to end suffering. People commit suicide because they don't get the support they desperately need. So perhaps you are right, and it is a "playground fad" to act trans, or pretend to be trans, or explore different gender roles - who eventually grow up to be either secure in their assigned gender, or who transition in a loving, supporting home. I rather suspect that this will be the case when the scientific studies come in.

@17:06 "I think much more probable" - well, at least you are honest that there is no evidence supporting your assertions either.

@17:39 "no evidence that not transitioning the child would decrease that risk". Well good luck getting ethical approval for denying treatment for gender dysphoria for a control group for that scientific study! What an asinine statement being played up as a reasonable argument.

@17:54 Indeed, it is very brave to hold these viewpoints. I am reminded of Posie Parker going to New Zealand to hold an anti-trans rally, and actual Nazi's showed up to support the rally - fascist salutes and everything!

@18:44 "I was so far in I couldn't get back". Disturbing echoes of - an echo chamber? It's almost as though surrounding yourself with people who agree with you only alienates yourself from the general public further.

@2104 Again, I am baffled by arguments set forth here. All homosexual couples are infertile, but somehow this does not cause any difficulty for Helen. I also don't see the relevance of who someone is attracted to being relevant to anything, but in this I admit I probably just don't understand what's trying to be said.

@22:36 I would love to see links to these studies and any critiques. I could not find them when I went looking.

@23:32 I think many trans folk, especially in the UK, will not recognise the process from this description. There are people who wait years just for a first appointment. The waiting list. As of 2023-12-01 there is a 60 MONTH waiting list for a first appointment at the London Gender Identity Clinic. https://www.genderkit.org.uk/resources/wait-times/

@24:25 I thank Dr. Dawkins for his common decency. I have a couple of questions. 1) Could you please define what you mean by "woman", and 2) in what way would you not accept someone saying "I am a woman"? Are you so very confident that every cis woman you meet will meet the standards of your definition of "woman", and would you ask them to prove their sex to you? I am minded of a US government official having a cis girl tormented because they thought "she looked trans".

@26:22 I would also like to thank Dr. Dawkins for highlighting a very important point that often gets lost in these discussions is the sincerity. Too many gender-critical groups will make the same, tired, nonsensical posit of "what if I identify as an attack helicopter". These people are being insincere, and if not, are obviously mentally disturbed because attack helicopters are made of metal and not flesh. Sincerity matters very much, and it gets ignored by a lot of the "what if" arguments.

@26:38 "I don't think that being a woman or a man is the sort of thing you pay a price to be". Well, hooray for free healthcare! I would like to point out that to many gender critical people, being able to have children is one of the defining traits of the sexes - does Helen feel that women who pay for fertility treatments to be "not real women or mothers"? Are a couple who pay to adopt a child "not real parents"? I find this argument offensive. As a logical parallel, perhaps I could say that people who have to pay to see don't deserve the same treatment as those who were born with perfect eyesight. But that would be a crass, cruel stance to take - wouldn't it, Helen?

@27:46 What goes on in "women only spaces" that a person's genitals become relevant? I've had GPs and doctors of both sexes, and I've never seen their genitals. It's not relevant to the care they have given me. I do of course have sympathy for people who have been raped and do not want to be in the presence of someone who reminds them of the terrible actions of the past, in the same way that I don't expect someone who was mauled by a dog to put up with an over-friendly dog when they visit a friends' house - if they make the request, obviously it is common decency to make accommodations - but that is hardly the default.

@28:00 I have mentioned sincerity before, and it is relevant here too, but it doesn't need repeating. Sport. Ah, yes, where everyone should be exactly the same in order to compete. I do not know the best way to divide sport up, but we never divide things into just male and female. There are age groups, weight classes, divisions, handicaps - a thousand different ways that allow people to compete with others of a similar level. Biological sex, to me, is one of the dumbest ways to split groups up by ability and I'm sure the feminists would agree.

@29:31 This is an interesting point, but not in the way I think Helen meant it.

@30:30 I feel unutterably sad when a woman says that women wouldn't win anything in an open event. Jasmine Paris won (at least one) in elite open competition. A friend I worked with won outright a long distance running event. I am certain Simone Biles would have wiped the floor against any man. I am certain that women, given the same desire, advantages and encouragement as men, would close the gap with men significantly. I would be horrified if someone suggested that Kenyan men should be excluded from the marathon because "otherwise, non-Kenyan's would never win any marathons."

@30:50 I see Helen addresses the gymnastics issue - to an extent.

@32:28 Here is where we see ample evidence against the prohibitions Helen seems to be seeking from America.

I would ask all the parents out there: would you feel safe sending your child - who is of a sex different to yours - alone into a public toilet? Which would you rather do instead: take the child into the other toilet, or go themselves into the other toilet? The answer is easy at the moment if you are a father with a baby, since the women's toilet is more likely to have a baby changing station - but for older children? What would you do?

I am reminded of James O'Brien's point of "who checks"? If you elimiate someone from a space becasue of what their genitals are - who checks? Or will you legally require all trans folk to wear a pink triangle? Will you require people to out themselves as trans whenever they use a toilet away from home? Would you subject a whole group of people to the same "urinary leash" that women suffered under in the past? Will you make it an offence to be in certain public areas simply because of who they are, and not becaseu of what they do? These are dystopian questions to be asked. I know they are not the same, but there are echoes of apartheid, segregation - things that I would like to think are in the past and should stay there.

Many of the points made for women having separate facilities that Helen raised are applicable to all women.

Further, there are women who have been assaulted by women. Do we make separate accommodations for them? Or would you recommend they use the men's facilities?

I have all the sympathy in the world for rape victims who have traumatic flashbacks, and who feel unsafe. I wonder if Helen is aware of the number of trans people who don't go swimming because of fear? Fear of ridicule, fear of assault? Trans folk who have been assaulted? All assaults are terrible things, and we should do what we can to prevent them - but removing personal liberties from an entire group, the vast, vast majority of whom are blameless? This does not sit well with me, though how to go about dealing with the problem in a better way is a tricky question I do not have the answer to.

I've made all the points I want to about sport, but with Lia Thomas - what exactly is the argument here? Did the other swimmers feel unsafe?

@37:55 I suspect there are many trans folk - and all the other queer folk - out there who would object to the statement that the bullying all goes one way. It very much does not all go one way, and it is the focussing on trans people by mostly right wing reactionaries and media which has caused a great proportion of the ruckus. People who live and work with trans folk have a generally normal reaction to the fact they are trans - it's the people to whom a trans person is an abstract that manage to "other" them so much as to make them figures of fear and disgust. That's my view of the situation, in any case.

Trans people have existed for a long time. There are newpaper articles over a hundred years old about trans folk - and are written in a much more sympathetic way than would be the case now. Even sex-change surgery is older than knee transplants. Something has indeed changed, but I doubt it is the human beings themselves - it is some manufactured reaction that has gained traction. At least partly. There are actual issues and problems to solve, and I fully believe that solving them in a sensible way will be helpful to men, women and everyone in between.

@40:16 No argument here about the IOC being corrupt. Not a great reason to demonise sincere trans folk.

@41:55 Funny in a not funny way how Helen points out the oppressive behaviours of society toward people with non-conforming sexual attraction, and these are the same behaviours many people are displaying towards trans folk. It's LGBTQIAAP+ because it is groups of people who have been judged by society at large to be in some way "less" and so have been treated badly - thrown out the military, disowned by parents, fired from jobs, subjected to conversion practices - or otherwise fallen foul of falling outside of what is seen as "acceptable". I don't think a human being's worth should be down to what society deems "acceptable". Everyone who falls outside of "acceptable" felt the need to band together. Being gender critical feels like groups trying to pull the ladder up after themselves - it feels like we are going backwards, socially, towards some puritan thinking.

@42:54 Do tell, Helen, how gay culture works. I am all ears.

Oh, I see you leave it to the listeners imagination. I'd love to hear a survey to see what the reality is.

@43:05 I am, and always will be, a staunch supporter of "The L comes first". They are the ones who stepped up in teh AIDS crisis and donated the blood that was so desperately needed to help keep those suffering alive.

@45:30 (paraphrasing) "The people in this movement [what Helen calls the "Sex Realists"] have been through some sort fo crucible - and these can be good bad or indifferent". Helen then goes on to list some of the least reality-based groups I could think of. The only one she missed out is "Flat Earthers".

I do find it interesting that Helen and - Maya, is it? - are both economists. I wonder how many sex and reproductive biologists are in this group? Curious to see a break-down.

I am a fan of the acronym FART - Feminism Appropriating Radical Transphobe.

The dichotomy of "Intersex and trans people are a tiny minority, we shouldn't pander to their needs" and "trans and intersex folk are too numerous - they will destroy the data we use!"

It is saddening that some people see this as a battle, while trans folk just want to live their lives without fear or discrimination. If sex and gender were such natural things, we wouldn't need people like Helen to police it.

[mostmouse]

Starting an Adaman x reader fic because I’m so freshly obsessed. Here’s the first chapter :> also posted on AO3 under the same user!

The One Chosen by Arceus

Your previous life was difficult, but at least you had indoor plumbing. But hey, at least this life has Adaman. You two begin a relationship and Adaman is interested in how you'd like to progress based on your customs from where you're from. Your preferences, however, have him a bit dizzy and flustered, but aren't entirely unwelcomed. It'll just take a bit of time.

Chapter 1: Your Future That Was and Your Present That Is

Living in the past was hard. Especially when you had had all the blessings of modern life. Essential items like indoor plumbing, laundry pods, and instant noodles. Then of course were the other, more progressive blessings. Such as having autonomy over your body, your sexuality, and the freedom to dress and act how you wanted.

You were lucky you weren’t part of either the Diamond or the Pearl clans, as they were much more rigid in tradition than that of the Galaxy Team. A few benefits to being in the past was that everything was... simpler. You could just do what you wanted, you didn’t need a 9-5 chaining you to a desk or slaving away in retail. However, you also couldn’t stop at a street cart for a quick meal, either.

You heaved a heavy sigh, hauling a large piece of wood up to your homestead. Your pokemon were around you helping with other degrees of difficulty. You insisted the smaller ones didn’t need to help, but they seemed to ignore you, proving they were just as big and strong as the others. It warmed your heart to know that pokemon weren’t really all that different from your time. They were of course, much much less domesticated than you were used to, but with TLC and persistence, they were as loyal as your team back when you were from.

“Putting them to work, I see.” Huffing laughter sounded behind you, and with a loud ‘oomf’ you dropped the heavy wood to the ground. Your pokemon were more than used to Adaman coming around and paid him no mind as they continued to haul wood and slash it into smaller pieces.

“I don’t make them, they want to help. Of course, it’s incredibly appreciated all the same. I’ll have to make something delicious for dinner. You swing by to eat with us?” You were clad in only a rudimentary sports bra and casual pants, your new age tattoos on full display. Of which had Adaman respectfully, and bashfully, looking away.

“I- uh, yeah. If you don’t mind.” You gave him a second to compose himself before he met your eyes once more. You smiled somewhat apologetically. You were used to doing house work in athleisure, and considering you lived alone out in the coastlands, far from Iscan, you weren’t thinking of anyone seeing you. In this time, it was scandalous for a woman to be so disrobed, especially in the outdoors, and more importantly - in front of a man who wasn’t her husband.

You had made it clear to Adaman when he first saw you in such attire that back when you were from, it was completely normal for women and girls to expose their shoulders. Normal even for some young women to expose their midriffs, chests, and back. Of course, he wasn’t necessarily a man for fashion, but he enjoyed the stories all the same. And you found him on more than one occasion leering at you - but you had the decency to not bring it up. At least not at that time.

Sidling up next to you, he motioned to the wood at your feet, “Need some help?”

“Ah, no thanks. Actually, with you here, I can get started on dinner. These cuties are bomb with cutting the wood, but making dinner is more suited for people hands, don’tcha think?”

Your grin had him entranced, though your words went over his head a bit. “They’re a bomb? Are they going to explode the wood?” He watched as your face morphed into a smirk. “Hey! Don’t give me that look, I may be the all wise leader of the Diamond Clan, but how am I supposed to know what all your new age phrases mean?”

“Have I not said ‘bomb’ yet? Interesting... well it's a little old for slang in my time, too, so I guess it's not surprising I haven’t said it.” You shrugged nonchalantly, waving Adaman up to your porch as you both went inside to prepare dinner.

“Ha, you saying old fashioned things? I can count on one hand the things you’ve said that I’d consider old fashioned.” His sly grin had you elbowing him in the side. “So, what’re we making?” Rubbing his hands together, he looked to you eagerly.

“Stew! Again...” You laughed sheepishly, it was your main go-to dinner dish. Easy to make, easy to taste good, and easy to eat for a few days. You expected a groan from your unexpected dinner date, but instead he rubbed his belly and had a dreamy look on his face.

Sighing aloud, “Mmmmm... Your stew... It's so good! I won’t ever get tired of it. Think I could take some home later for Mai and the others?” His eyes were fixated on yours, your cheeks warming a bit.

“Yeah, of course! I always make tons anyways, I’m used to feeding a lot of people, so honestly, you taking some off my hands is a favor.” Scratching the back of your head, “And thanks for not being annoyed, I know it must not be very enjoyable to eat the same thing over and over when you come and visit.” You couldn’t help it, honestly. It was the easiest thing to make. Plus, you could toss in a bunch of stuff and it still would taste amazing.

Adaman laughed loudly, “Please! If it was bad maybe I’d complain, but it’s absolutely delicious, I look forward to it every time I visit. Honestly, I miss it when I’m not here. No matter how often I make it with you, I can’t quite replicate it back at the Settlement.”

You grinned, walking backwards towards the kitchen, holding a finger over your lips, “Aye lad, ‘tis a family secret.” You laughed at his confused expression, moving around the counters and grabbing spices you had tediously collected. “Next time I’m in the Settlement I’ll make some for you and write some notes for a recipe. Just remember,” Sitting everything in front of you, you moved to the Rotom fridge you had, “Nothing needs measuring. You feel it from here.”

Adaman watched as you held your hands to your chest, eyes closed. “To your heart?” Blinking at each other, you burst into laughter.

“Sorry, sorry. I meant here.” You made a big show of rubbing your belly with your tongue sticking out. He grinned as he leaned forward on the counter, watching you closely with every move you made. “Tonight, we’ll be having stantler meat!”

You presented him with the wrapping of fresh meat from a stantler you had killed earlier in the day. He smiled softly, resting his hands atop yours that sat on the bundle. The both of you closed your eyes as he whispered a prayer, thanking Almighty Sinnoh and Mighty Dialga for the life of the stantler and for blessing you with the meal.

Keeping your eyes closed, you breathed deeply for a moment. Everything in this time was different. You had to learn how to field dress your dinner, how to preserve it, and how to thank it for its life and for how it was now sustaining you. Everything felt much more connected in this simple life you now lived.

Gasping slightly, you gave a start as Adaman kissed you softly. Opening your eyes, your cheeks warm, you met his soft gaze. “Sorry, you just looked so peaceful. Couldn’t help myself.” You smiled easily, leaning forward and nuzzling his nose with yours before you gave him a quick kiss back.

That was how it's been for the past few months. You couldn’t deny the spark you had for each other, the heat in your chests gathering every day you spent together. He had helped you build your house halfway through when he finally sniffed you out. He had told you it was a coincidence, and had sworn Calaba to secrecy when he begged her to have Ursaluna track you based on a scarf he had from you. He had tried to enlist Iscan for help, but the man refused to oust you without your prior permission.

It was a favor he anxiously awaited the Pearl Warden to call upon everyday, but most importantly - it had led to you. He had been overly flustered in the beginning as he helped you build your house. Your revealing clothes had been a culture shock to him, especially when he had seen all your new world tattoos.

It wasn’t as if tattoos were uncommon, he knew many people who had them. However, they weren’t done with such artistic style, detail, and colors as yours had. Many of them were of pokemon he had never seen, let alone heard of. You had spent those evenings together next to the fire, breathing in the salty air as you showed him each art piece and described the pokemon depicted. Some were just art that you liked. He knew if a select few of his people saw you undressed like you usually were, they would sneer and judge you.

But he welcomed the change. Welcomed the happiness you brought him. At first it was fascination with you falling from the sky, then about your connection with the rift and the Lords of the land. He kept telling himself it was just all the new interesting curiosities that seemed to surround your very existence. How you were chosen by Dialga, how it seemed you were truly blessed by Arceus, how you saved all of Hisui.

It took him time to realize he was in love with you. Longer than he’d like to admit, but he rationalized it in his heart, that it wasn’t time wasted but instead time used to understand you and himself. How you fit into his heart and soul. He had come to such a realization while he was helping you construct things for the house. Every day spent designing, building, preparing, decorating. Every time you explained what you had in your home back where you were from, how you mistified him with the forms Rotom could take and how you utilized the small pokemon, and others as well to make life easier in this untamed world.

“Adaman... Adaman... Hey! Adaman! Are you listening to me?” He jumped slightly, your voice in his ear and your hands tugging at his hair. With a flush from the sudden excitement of you pulling his hair and saying his name right into his ears, he jerked back. “What were you thinking about, oh wise one?”

Huffing a small laugh, he moved around you, grabbing the large cauldron from the floor by the... fridge, you had called it. “About how I’m about to expire from hunger, I mean really - how long is this going to take?”

He grinned as he heard you gathering everything together and rushing towards him. “Shouldn’t be too long, I have some bone broth I made earlier. Of course, the stew will always taste better the longer it sits for.” The two of you grinned at each other. You couldn’t help as butterfree gathered in your tummy.

Every time Adaman smiled at you felt like the first time. He had your heart in knots, and you were sure that you were in love with him. You hated how in this time, everyone was so conservative. Suffocatingly so. You paid little attention as Adaman dropped the cauldron into the already burning fire pit, or how he went back inside to grab the aforementioned broth. You focused instead on portioning out some spices, cutting what needed to be cut, and crushing what needed to be crushed.

You felt as if you were grinding your frustrations down as well. Yes, everyone here was either mildly conservative or extremely so. You knew it would be a blow to his reputation if anyone saw you wantonly kissing the Diamond Clan leader. How scandalous indeed, to be seen kissing someone you weren’t promised to on the mouth. How they would balk at the thought of you kissing his neck and leaving marks.

You wanted your relationship with Adaman to go further. To be physical in more ways than just hot and heavy kissing. But you had no idea how to even broach the subject. He had never made a pass at you to go further than kissing, had only somewhat begun to reciprocate your neck kisses. No petting or groping or grinding. It was driving you mad. You wanted to jump his bones, but you were sure he had never been with anyone, he just wasn’t the type to fool around, no matter how much he seemed like a flirt.

However, you were sure Iscan knew to an extent how close the two of you were. The Warden was no stranger to the coast and had found you early on. Adaman had seen him around as well and had pulled aside his clansman in a hush of whispers. At the time you were worried some what that Iscan would tell the other Diamond Clan people that their leader was frolicking on the coast with a barely clothed outsider. But you quickly realized such assumptions were needless when you remembered his relationship with Palina of the Pearl Clan, not to mention how trustworth and honorable he was. Your secret was safe with the noble Warden of Basculegion.

“Boo!” You startled from your lost thoughts as a warm strong hand held your wrist tightly, keeping the knife secure as an arm looped around your waist.

“Adaman!” He laughed easily behind you, body against your sparsely clothed one, soft clothes rubbing you. “Thank you for holding my hand, at least now I can’t say you were at fault for me disemboweling myself.”

Loud gagging echoed behind you as you laughed louder, his warmth leaving you as he came around to dump the broth into the pot, grabbing the bones as they threatened to fall in. Setting them aside, he added the meat as you dumped all the spices in. “Can you grab the veggies from the fridge? I forgot to get them. Oh! And another knife, there’s a lot so we can share cutting them up.”

“You’ve got it, boss.” You cackled as he walked away, his own laughter drowned out by yours. Almighty Sinnoh, how he adored you. He sauntered into your home as if it were his and he toyed with the idea that had been sitting in the back of his mind for some time now. He just wasn’t sure how to bring it up. You were from a different time, you hadn’t even flinched when he suddenly kissed you for the first time!

If anything, he thought back, you were excited. Thrilled, even. You immediately sought him out, clinging to the front of his haori and pulling him into another kiss. When you had licked his lips with your tongue though is when he pulled away. Your assertiveness, and experience, had made him too nervous.

You had explained to him how doing something like that wasn’t inappropriate, how it was casual and normal to do from the time you were from. He had told you how much he liked you, and you confessed that you cared a lot about him as well. You kissed a couple more times, all closed mouthed, and he thought he would burn up from the inside out.

It wasn’t long before he was kissing you more boldly, though without tongue. It had taken him weeks to be brave enough to do so, but once he let you roam inside his mouth he couldn’t stop himself from craving your kisses. How he dreamed about them, yearned for them, and sought them out actively every time you were together.

He brought the veggies out to you, sitting another cutting board in front of him as well and the two of you began to cut vegetables together in comforting silence, listening to the fire pop and your pokemon chew on the leftover bones.

Adaman let his gaze wander to you. You looked at peace and in your element preparing the meal. You’d make a good wife. Swallowing thickly, he turned back to his own board, tips of his ears red. He hoped you wouldn’t notice. He had been thinking of proposing, maybe... But it wasn’t something he could simply do considering he was the leader of the Diamond Clan. His marriage would at least have to be somewhat political. Either within his own Clan, or possibly someone from the Pearl Clan.

However... You were a part of the Galaxy Team... That in a way could be political. He would have to ask Irida her thoughts about it the next time he saw her. He felt you shift closer to him as you dumped your portion of the veggies into the pot. He smiled, leaning on your shoulder as he followed suit.

“Here, I’ll take them back inside.” You grabbed the knives and cutting boards and made your way back inside. Adaman turned and somewhat shamefully watched you as you walked away. His eyes couldn’t keep themselves away from your backside, or thighs, or shoulders. You had become toned in the time you spent in Hisui, certainly all the physical labor and constant working had taken its toll on you.

Quickly turning back to the cauldron, he swallowed thickly. Tonight would be the night. He would ask you if he could stay with you throughout the night, and sleep together. In the same bed. Together. You and him. He wanted to take your relationship to the next level, but he was also painfully nervous about it all. But he could do this - just sleep. With you. In bed. Together.

Swallowing thickly, he jumped slightly as he heard the door to your home close, signaling your return. He took a deep relaxing breath. He could do this. He could ask you about... sleeping. Together. He would have to make it clear though that that was all he wanted to do. He didn’t want to get your hopes up just to upset you by saying no later on.

He had said it before, too. When your hands wandered over him while you were kissing sometimes. He felt terrible, like he was letting you down or holding you back. But every time you always backed off him completely. Would ask him if he wanted to keep going or to stop. Sometimes he would say keep going, other times he would feel so overwhelmed that he asked you to stop completely. Sometimes he even asked if you could put a kimono on and cover yourself.

He always felt like a bad person afterwards. Like he was hurting your feelings or stealing something from you. Every time though, you always held his face, kissed his forehead, and told him that you wanted whatever he wanted, at any pace he wanted to go. He felt like a child. Sure, he was well past the marrying age for the history of his Clan position, but... He just didn’t have the experience.

He didn’t know what experience you had, however... He was too nervous to talk about any sort of intimate details like that with you. He would pluck up the nerves soon though. He wanted to know, wanted to know what you wanted in this relationship. But first he would have to find out what he wanted from this relationship... Was it even a relationship? What were the two of you, anyways?

A loud sound shook him from his spiraling thoughts, and he thanked Sinnoh for such a distraction. Your pokemon seemed to be fighting over the last bone from the stock earlier and you had gone over to them to sort it out.

“The way you handle your pokemon is incredible, you know. They’re openly being food aggressive and yet you get right between them like it's nothing.” His gaze was full of admiration as he watched you, arm resting on his knee and face in his palm.

You could feel him watching you, body getting hot from the compliments. “Ha, thanks. It's nothing, really. I just... I was raised differently, you know? Pokemon are such an intrinsic part of my life back where I’m from. And here... It’s no different, but still completely different, you know? I trust my team with my life, and I try to treat them as my equals, as my family. Cause that’s what they are, you know?”

You tried to not get lost in your thoughts, “When the Galaxy Team turned their backs on me- well, most of them, all I had were my pokemon. And you and Irida, of course!” You turned back to him from where you were holding your Rapidash’s face in your hands, a large grin plastered across your perfect visage. “I was so lost, and hurt, and scared. But these guys were here for me, and I’ll never take that unconditional love for granted. Not when I’ve lost everything so many times.”

Adaman stood, walking towards you after giving the pot a generous few stirs. Circling his arms around your midsection, he rested his jaw on your shoulder, watching as Rapidash soaked up all the affection from her handler. He knew about who you were before you came to him- or well, to Hisui.

You came from a life of struggle. Of losing things and people close to you. How you treasured every friendship you had, but always scared of holding someone too close. He was thankful to Mighty Dialga that you allowed him into your heart and life. He was happy you let Mr. Professor and Rei in too, and begrudgingly Irida as well. He was afraid, back at the Ancient Retreat, that you’d have chosen Irida over him, for just a moment.

You weren’t close then, not like you were now. But he had realized then that he wanted to be close to you. That he wanted more than just a professional alliance, he wanted you in his life. As a companion.

Inhaling your scent, he nuzzled into your neck, kissing you softly. You sighed happily, hand coming up to pet his hair. He hummed happily before taking a deep breath. “Mind if I stay? Here, with you? For the night, I mean?” He felt you tense under him, hiding his face resolutely in your neck. All his earlier sense of bravado suddenly lost. He didn’t want to see your expression as he followed up with, “Just to sleep, I mean. I’m not ready for anything else just yet... I just... Want to be close.”

Finally, he let you turn in his arms, bashfully looking to the side with pink cheeks. You gently caught his face in your hands, leaning on your tiptoes and kissing his forehead. “Only if you really want to. I don’t want you to feel like you have to, or that you’re neglecting me. I’m happy with what we are right now, and I’d love for us to have a sleepover, too!”

Relief spread through his body as he relaxed, your arms winding around his neck as he leaned forward to kiss you. With more confidence than asking you his question, he licked your lower lip, slipping his tongue into your mouth as you both moaned softly. Indulging in you was so easy, it was if it instantly relaxed him.

Sliding his arms downwards, he kept one around your waist and tentatively moved the other to hold your hip. Tightening his grip, he pulled you closer and moved his lips against yours, pressing his tongue deeper into your mouth. Tracing over your tongue, he brushed along your teeth and cheeks, moaning into your mouth as you sighed happily.

Rapidash, however, was not happy to have lost her attention from her favorite human, leaning down to where Adaman’s hand rested on your hip and nipped him. “Ow! Hey-” His words died in his throat as Rapidash puffed air into his face before nudging him away from you. Leaning forward, she rested her large head across your chest, effectively keeping Adaman from getting close to you again. “Are you just gonna let her do that?!”

His incredulous voice, combined with Rapidash’s haughty behavior, had you in a fit of giggles, laughing so hard you bent forward and wheezed. “H-Hey, come on! You’re not even going to scold her? I see who your favorite is...” Adaman turned before you saw his wide smile, moving back to the cauldron and stirring it once more, scraping the bottom to make sure nothing was sticking.

“Awww, Rapidash, are you jealous, my little lovebug?” Your loud cooing words were meant to tease him as much as it was to soothe your pokemon. “You’re my most favorite Rapidash ever, yes you are! No one is as beautiful and majestic as you! Just look at your wonderful awe inspiring blue flames! Yes you are, you’re just so pretty, my prettiest girl, mommy loves you, yes she does!”

Smiling to himself, he stared dreamily at you, your other pokemon beginning to circle you as well, all begging for attention after listening to you gush over Rapidash. Laughing happily, without a care in the world, he watched as you gave each one well deserved strokes, pets, and kisses.

He sighed contentedly. Leaning back on his hands, his lower back against the log the two of you usually sat on, and watched you. Once you had loved up on your pokemon, you once again sought him out. Your pokemon followed you, circling the two of you and getting comfortable as they dozed off in the evening sun.

Standing before him, you pointed at his lap where he sat, “Is this seat taken? You can say no.” You smiled easily at him, your hair in the wind and he could smell the sweet scent of your soap. Swallowing thickly, he cleared his throat. Scratching the back of his neck, he nodded, and braced himself as you sat happily on his lap.

Relaxing as you didn’t do anymore than sit and look at him, he melted and wrapped his arms around you again. His hands traced your tattoos and admired them once more. “I hope we can get the technology to do this in our time. I wouldn’t mind having Leafeon immortalized on my arm.”

You smiled at him, snuggling against his chest and holding out your arms, admiring your ink as well. “I don’t know if we will, but I do know that you honor your Leafeon in your heart and your conduct.” Turning to look at him, you pursed your lips together at the shining adoration in his gaze, cheeks hot.

“You always say such profound things.” Brushing your hair with his calloused palms, he leaned forward again to kiss you softly. Pulling away, he kissed your forehead. “You say and do things that make me rethink where we are in life. I’ve embraced so much change thanks to you. I’ll always be grateful for what you’ve done for the Diamond Clan and... For me as well. Thank you.”

With another kiss, he lost himself in your warmth and the two of you cuddled by the fire as you waited for the stew to finish.

[heyclickadee]

Trying to catch up on these so: Thoughts on “Truth and Consequences,” I guess (I'm sick, and the theraflu kicked in about halfway through writing this, so I'm not sure how much of this makes sense):

1. I am going to crawl into the television like a reverse girl from the ring and throw Palpatine down a maintenance shaft myself.

2. I don’t think that this is the last we’re going to see of Rampart and his trash shenanigans, but watching him get arrested by the coruscant guard while protesting that he was, “Just following orders,” was extremely satisfying. For now.

3. Palpatine was just waiting under the floor for Chuchi to present her evidence against Rampart, wasn’t he? Is this a normal thing? He just…waits for some BS that he orchestrated behind the scenes to come out and then rises up out of the floor like an omen of doom to manipulate the drama to his advantage? None of this is surprising—Palpatine’s always been about the high drama—but seriously. This evil son of a bitch—

4. Omega following Senator Chuchi around the senate building was adorable, but what a way for an at-most thirteen-year-old to find out she’s not legally considered a person. That none of her brothers are, either. Which means, of course, that she never knew that growing up on Kamino, and that the batch didn’t tell her.

5. Which…makes sense. They’re not trying to wrap her in bubble wrap like they were last season. She goes on missions, she’s plenty capable in a fight, and they trust her to be able to find her way in and out of trouble. But Hunter (and the rest of them, really) are trying to give her whatever scraps of childhood they can, and part of that means they do, to one degree or another, try to keep certain bits of information from her if they think that information could hurt her. Not all the time, especially when they absolutely can’t, but they still do from time to time. It’s a little like that moment back in “Ruins of War” when Echo tells Omega to go keep an eye on Romar. I don’t think Echo was that worried about Romar doing something, but he maybe did want Omega out of earshot so he and Tech could have a grown up conversation about what losing all that treasure meant for them without Omega having to hear it. And there might be a bit of self protection in there, too. It’s one thing for the adult batchers to understand that they don’t have representation in the senate and that a lot of the galaxy doesn’t consider them people; it’s always been that way and they’re probably resigned to that being the way things are. Explaining that to Omega, though, means being forced to see how this awful thing that’s just a background part of their lives also applies to her, and would probably force them to see how monstrous that really is.

6. Senator Chuchi’s little guilty look back towards Omega when it turned out this all played out exactly how Palpatine wanted, I’m--

7. I kept thinking the moment where Wrecker got shocked climbing the ladder was going to come back. It…did not.

8. Seeing how well they were able to pull of this heist kind of makes me wonder how much of the batch’s tattered success rate is them missing Crosshair (both emotionally and just not having him around to do his job), how much having to adjust to making sure their collective adopted daughter isn’t in immediate mortal peril at all times, and how much is being in completely unfamiliar territory. It’s got to be a mix of all three.

9. Speaking of success rates…what are they on this season? 0 for 6? 1 for 6 because Tech won the riot race? Does that count? Did Echo and Hunter deliver those nerf nuggets okay? I know they pulled this mission off, but it turns out pulling it off was the worst thing that could have happened, so….

10. Yes, I’m stalling.

11. Halle Burtoni (oh, Star Wars names. I love you) was not a character I expected to see back. I was a little surprised at how blithe she was about the apparent, you know, genocide of her people, but that didn’t come across as entirely sincere.

12. Okay, one sort of detached thing about Echo’s goodbye before I get emotional about it: When he tells Omega to keep up her training while he’s gone, and she replies with a tiny little, “Yes, sir,” that made something I’ve been wondering about clone family structure finally click. We joke a lot about how Hunter’s the dad and how Echo’s the mom, because they do in many ways each fill those roles, and I think that totally works. But there’s also the way in which they batch’s family and maybe clone family structure in general more mirrors military structure than anything else. Like. Okay, on one level, in the batch, they’re all siblings, but all siblings with different roles towards one another; on another level, all the adult batchers (apart from Crosshair, at this point, since he hasn’t had much time with her) are parents of one or more varieties towards Omega. And on another level, you’ve got the actual chain of command structure, where Hunter is the sergeant, Echo’s the corporal, and therefore second in command, but within this group of people “sergeant” no longer and perhaps has never just meant “the person in charge of this little group,” and same with “corporal.” Both of those roles in the context of the clones have a different and more familial connotation that doesn’t directly translate to familial roles we might be more familiar with in our world. Does that make sense? At all? I might be rambling. I think I’m rambling at this point. (But also, yes, they’re also all dads and Echo is also the mom in addition to being a dad.)

13. Yeah okay, the goodbye

14. I didn’t cry the first time. Listen, I’m not that emotionally demonstrative unless I’m really annoyed or intentionally exaggerating to get a point across (which I do a lot), I don’t cry that often, and if I do it’s almost never about something that’s happening in real life. Crying about fiction is a lot safer, more cathartic, and just easier, so I sort of save it up for that. The first time around though, the goodbye didn’t get me. Don’t get me wrong, it hit me like a freight train through the crystal palace, but the episode was a lot, and I was kind of too overwhelmed to really feel my feelings about it. The second time around, though, when I was able to actually take it in and watch the emotions play out on the characters faces and see how gentle and tender the whole thing was? Oh boy, the waterworks. I will be suing for emotional damages. (I won’t be suing for emotional damages, but full credit to everyone on the T BB crew for making that scene what it was.)

15. The writers did something a little bit interesting here by NOT showing us the conversation that Hunter and Echo clearly had about this or the (I think) other conversations that Hunter, Echo, Tech, and Wrecker had about this later on. On the one hand, I would have liked to have seen these conversations, because I think they were probably quite a bit more emotionally heavy than the upbeat goodbyes we got from the boys. This seems to have been something Hunter and Echo have been planning for a long time, since probably the apparently life-changing nerf-nugget run at least. Not that Echo would definitely leave on this specific mission of course, but that Hunter and Echo agreed the next time there was an opportunity for Echo to go with Rex, he would, if he felt it was the right time.

Everything about the scene tells us that those conversations happened. Not showing us those conversations, however, put us into Omega’s shoes for that moment. We know these men talk when they know (or think—see episode one) Omega’s not listening. They didn’t tell her this was a possibility, for a whole bunch of reasons including keeping Omega from trying to convince Echo to stay to not wanting to hurt her and so on, and they didn’t have time to tell her it was going to happen right then until it was happening, because Echo probably didn’t decide that then was the right time until they were waiting for Omega to come back from the senate building. And the effect of not showing us those conversations or telling Omega this could happen is for Omega (and by extension, us) have the rug pulled out from under her. It puts us in her shoes. So even though we the audience have been expecting this for a while now, it feels like a surprise, it still hits, and hits hard.

16. I was so glad Echo left on good terms. This is so much better than the batch breaking up because of a fight. I love that he and Hunter are kind of on the same page, but on different paths, and how clear it was that Echo didn’t really want to leave. That moment when Rex tells him that, “Good help is hard to come by these days,” and Echo just collapses in on himself? He doesn’t want to go. The batch is his family, they’re his brothers, just as much as Rex is, Omega’s his daughter as much as she’s Hunter’s, and this is a group of people that took him in and helped him recover after the hardest period of his life. He loves them, and he doesn’t want to go. But he feels like he has to. He’s too good, he cares too deeply, and he’s been through too much not too. And Hunter, Tech, and Wrecker understand that. They’re not going to hold it against him; they support what he’s choosing to do, even though they can’t follow him into it right now, so they make sure he knows he still has a place with them, and always will.

17. Dear character animator/animators who animated the range of expressions on Echo’s face as he was trying to explain to Omega why he had to go, including and especially those couple of moments when he was obviously trying not to cry? You have my whole heart. Also, I’m in pain.

18. Dear storyboard/layout artists who decided that this goodbye scene needed to parallel Omega’s last goodbye to Crosshair on that Kaminoan platform…you also have my whole heart, but. Ow.

19. While I do understand why the batch didn’t tell Omega, I also feel like that’s something that’s going to bite them in the butt. I mean, in a “Omega internalizes what she sees as her family breaking apart as something that’s her fault and does something reckless to try to make up for it” kind of way. They're trying, but they have a lot to learn about raising kids.

20. I would like to see the apparently life changing nerf-nugget field trip, please.

21. What did Hunter tell Echo?? Is it just the, “If you ever feel like you don’t fit in with them, come find us,” thing? What waaas iiiittttt I need to knooooooowwwww

22. I did like that this was sort of underscored as a temporary goodbye. Between Echo telling Omega that he’d be back and Hunter telling Rex to call them if he ever needed anything, this is temporary. But it’s still heartbreaking, because these characters mean a lot to each other and we don’t know how long they’ll be separated.

23. Sidebar, kind of, but how much do you want to bet that the boys all agreed to keep those final goodbyes light so they wouldn’t upset Omega? And how much do you want to bet that they all agreed that backfired spectacularly afterwards?

24. Omega hugging Lula in that final shot looking so small and scared I can’t 🥺😭😭 someone help her she is not okay

25: Complete sidebar, but you know that moment when Echo took control of the venator cruiser and its guns and engines single handedly? And that other moment where he stood up and said he'd be Senator Chuchi's witness even though it would put him in incredible danger? He's so good (your hand in marriage, sir!)

26. Echo, please come back soon!!

[iguessitsjustme]

Be My Favorite - Episode 9 Thoughts

Am I watching this on Friday this week? On the day it airs? On time? Who am I? 

-Every week, I’m grateful for the previously on because I’ve blocked it from my memory and need to be reminded. 

-I still like the opening song. This hasn’t changed. No one is surprised. I say this each week. Krist actually has a nice voice.

-Unrelated to the show, but I’m gonna kill the bar next to my apartment. What the fuck is this beat? Need to pause until they move on to the next song that doesn’t distract me from the show. 

-Glad Kawi is quitting drinking. He doesn’t seem to be able to do it in moderation so quitting and sobriety is probably the best option for him. But that poses an interesting question in how the time travel affects him. In the future, he was an alcoholic and couldn’t stop. But in the present, he can easily quit. How does that work?

-Pear, my precious angel child. I love you. 

-I hate Pear’s mother. It took 3 seconds of Pisaeng’s explanation. A child isn’t something that you can just abandon cause you didn’t feel like it anymore. That’s not how that fucking works. You tell her Pear!

-I actually disagree with Pisaeng here. It’s ultimately Kawi’s decision whether or not he performs with the band and Pisaeng can’t make that choice for him. And then making Kawi choose between him or the band is like making Kawi choose between his future and his love life. I know Pisaeng wasn’t serious about it but it still rubbed me the wrong way. 

-What the fuck is this peer pressure to drink? It’s 2023 and people should know better. 

-Poor Pisaeng. He’s gonna get alcohol poisoning. 

-Hold up. Why the FUCK am I not eating my cake right now while I watch this? What’s wrong with me?

-I hate Pear’s dad too. Neither parent cares about the well-being of their child. He forced his forgiveness into his child and didn’t let her properly heal. Pear, darling, I love you so much. 

-Drunk Pisaeng is adorable. 

-So Kawi has charged his phone for a ride but hasn’t called Pear back even though she called multiple times. I would have at least checked in. One call, I’d text. Two calls, I’d call. Is she okay?

-This is an interesting change. This time Pisaeng got drunk and kissed Kawi. Don’t think I didn’t notice that little flip flop there. 

-Oh wait. He was denied. Lol. 

-Oh lord not Not seeing it. The absolute worst person on the planet. He should go fuck himself. Why the fuck is he calling Pear to report on Pisaeng and Kawi. Does he think outing them is gonna get him anything? It better fucking not. The only thing he should be getting is a swift kick in the ass.

-“You might not be able to resist your desire” what is this? A MAME show?

-Is this communication? Honest to god communication? In a Jittirain show?

-These assholes should mind the business that pays them. How the fuck is this their business in any way. I will NEVER forgive anyone for outing people. Ever. Especially Not who is outing his “friends” so he can have a chance with Pear. That’s completely fucked up.

-Pear deserves better than this show. Kawi sacrificed her happy future for his. Although how happy could she have been if she was marrying and extremely closeted Pisaeng. 

-Kwan, girl, Not? I mean we been knew you loved him. But seriously? He sucks. If he ends up with Pear, I’ll riot.

-Not, I hope Pear bitchslaps you. That’s all I want from Not.

-Kawi, tell me, how is breaking up with Pisaeng going to make anything better? Seriously. No really and truly. The issue isn’t that you’re with him. It’s that you didn’t talk to Pear first. Just give her some time. The rest of the issues? Not. All Not. Launch him into the sun and y’all will be good to go. 

-Pisaeng, you’re so right. Hold hands and go through it together. 

-Pear is a good person and I love her.

-That’s right! Reject him! Make him cry! I hope he cries.

-I probably enjoyed this episode more than any of the others so far! Now I just need this show to get rid of Not and I’ll be happy. 

[krismatic]

No no cause like. Um. Okay. This is mostly just rambling and it’s been a while since I actually played three houses so I may get some lore wrong but anyways. here’s my transfem dimitri headcanon

So in Dimitri’s C support with Catherine they talk about how when Catherine first met him as a kid she thought he was “an adorable young maiden wielding a giant lance” or whatever and this is when Dimitri’s like. 9 or something. And we see that he’s pretty feminine as a kid! Understandable that people would mistake him for a girl but a lot of people saw this and thought he’s transmasc which is valid but. my point of view is that maybe he liked to look feminine and thought it was fun to be seen as a girl when he was a kid but then everything happened he lost his family he watched a massacre he was useless in stopping a genocide he became a teenager he had every burden resting on his shoulders alone and he just had to. cut it all away. He had to be strong and hide every single “wrong” thought deep inside his head. The child he was could no longer exist.

Later on, on the night of the ball at the academy, he refers to this time as a child the happiest days of his life. Part of that fondness for his childhood was that he felt free from burdens then. Both the burdens of the dead and the burdens of being a prince. The burdens of having to present himself as a perfect, strong, masculine prince.

His hair during the academy arc is also very… choppy. And messy. Dimitri doesn’t care for himself much and doesn’t put much care into his hair. Maybe there’s something more to that that he’s not aware of. Maybe he hates having his hair that short.

Post-timeskip, regardless of if he’s exiled from Faerghus or not, he grows his hair out. Obviously this was due to the developers not wanting to completely change his model and portrait for Crimson Flower despite the fact that there’s no reason for him to look like a sopping wet cat but!!! He also is starting to grow his hair out in Three Hopes! I genuinely think he just prefers it long.

(obviously men can have long hair and different cultures have very different ideas about how hair relates to gender and how different genders should wear their hair. and we do see that both Dimitri’s father and uncle both have medium length hair as well. as well as like. a large portion of the male characters. and you could say that Dimitri’s tendencies towards long hair is more related to him wanting to be a king like his father in some way! but hear me out. it can be both. everyone’s got different experiences with gender)

I’m not gonna get too into like. Fódlan and Faerghus specifically and their gender norms and different expectations for men and women and the fact that the only gnc character in the game is one of the people who has to hide underground in Abyss but um. those factor into everything trust me

Oh another thing. Dimitri always wears armour and gauntlets that cover up everything. The only student who wears armour as part of their school uniform. It’s never brought up why in game and like sure it’s probably due to the issues™️ and there’s likely plenty of scars he doesn’t want others to see but. well. he really doesn’t like seeing himself huh.

There’s also that whole thing with seeing himself as inhuman and a monster. I’m not sure how to connect it but I feel like it. plays a factor in the gender situation.

Okay so like. shit happens yada yada yada and Dimitri’s going through it and let’s fast forward to post-Azure Moon when he really has time to actually. examine himself. when he made the choice to live.

I think that. It would be. A process. But she’d figure it out. I think she would be happy. And so would her friends :)

also I think Felix knew the entire fucking time but didn’t say shit cause. Well there were bigger problems on his mind

[celiastjamesoscar]

It's YOUR birthday, we should be giving you presents. Not the other way around! But I will eat it up anyway.

I adore Sam so much. She's always making sure that Tara and everyone else is safe but deep down she enjoys seeing them be so carefree and just having fun with each other. She truly is such a softie.

Silent conversations and small glances is the typical Sam behavior. Only after proving that you can be trusted she will slowly open up and talk to you. It's all about trust, confidence and safety for her. Being vulnerable is not something that cones easy to her because people can easily exploit that, so despite trusting someone Sam will still hold back a bit until she has sorted out her own feelings first. She's not the type to make the first move but as soon as someone else does, after proving that you can be trusted, she won't let go again.

(Sam would love it even more if R did something else with her lips)

I love that Sam is such a big gay disaster here. Blushing, getting flustered and being shy. She's so adorable my heart can't take it.

SAMS HANDS NEED TO BE IN A MUSEUM BECAUSE HELLO LOOK AT THEM! SO VEINY, LONG AND SOFT.

Sam is a mystery. How can she be a grumpy old man and a cute sweet girl at the same time?? I need answers.

OMG SUBMISSIVE SAM!! YES PLEASE. I truly believe that in a relationship Sam would definitely be submissive a lot of times. Just letting herself be completely vulnerable, getting bossed around and just being a loving and catering girlfriend. All because she wants to make her partner happy.

Okay. Wow. THE CLEXA FEALTY SCENE. AAAAHHH I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU INCLUDED IT. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT WHEN TARA SAID IT. You, my dear, are officially the Gay Queen and I swear fealty to you.

Sam looked so hot when she smoked in Scream. I don't know why but she was SO sexy.

The Clexa scene took me out. But this story was so amazing!! A slightly submissive, shy and soft Sam is incredible. She's just so caring and the most cuddle worthy person ever. I still can't get over how well you manage to capture Sammys character while putting your own twist on it. Your writing is just so captivating!

I don't know what time it is for you but I hope you had a wonderful birthday so far and will continue to have a great day!

I love spoiling you guys with fics and it had been awhile since I last posted one, so I wanted to make up for it on my birthday!!

I completely agree that silence conversations and small glances is all the acknowledgment you would get from Sam for the first few months. Homegirl has deep trauma and refuses to admit that, and she will not let her guard down that easily

I wanted to make a different Sam than the one I normally include in fics, and I kind of liked writing her as a gay disaster??? I’ll probably go back to writing her as a soft asshole just because it’s more fun and adds angst tho

Sam is a mystery that I would love to explore some time 😩

Submissive Sam supremacy!!!!!! She spins around in my head like a microwave everyday and she refuses to leave

I’ve wanted to include a clexa scene in several fics, and I couldn’t wait any longer!!! It was originally going to be in my ‘Exile’ fic with Wednesday as a confession of love, but I feel like it would have been too out of place. Also, Clexa completely ruined my life and I have not been the same since I watched that show

It’s just now 9 pm for me, and I’m getting for bed. I love your reviews so much, and thank you so much for doing what you do!!! I love you! <3

[nightcall99]

Dreams from 19.9.24

Dream 1: There was a gathering happening at my house, a party I think. Just a small group of people. He was there. We sat close together. After awhile my body seemed to inch closer to his and then our bodies were touching, like our sides. It felt so natura land normal but I felt a bit weird about it like should I disconnect our bodies. I should do so for propriety's sake. But I didn’t do anything. I let our bodies continue touching, it felt nice. And then something happened, I dunno how he did it because he hadn't moved and neither had I but within a split second my bra was not on my body anymore. I didn't know where it was but I realised he'd hidden it under the bed, hanging on a hanger. I was a joke I suppose but I didn't find it vey funny. We were in front of company. A girl from work noticed and she did a smile of shock but continued talking to her friend. She saw that on my top half I had only a cardigan. I buttoned it up and tried to hide myself. AL was there. I wanted her to help me, like cause a distraction so I could go get my brad. And she did. Then I left the room and went tried to find somewhere private so I could fix myself. I tried to find a separate room but the entire house was empty and kinda dark and it felt like for some reason there was no privacy. Like I was being watched no mater what. I just fixed myself in the spot not caring if there were cameras or people watching or whatever.

Dream 2: I was at a party in Northcote, some gathering. I was just sitting there and then AL had just arrived. She sat next to me. I don't think I was expecting her to get here like this. I said, I thought you were working? How'd you get here so fast? She said something, I dunno what, kinda dismissing me. She was working in Northcote too, the sister store) and her shift would have finished at 9pm and even if this place was closer by, only a few minutes, how she lock up and get here at like 9:02pm? Well I was very glad she was here anyhow. I wondered who was working tonight that they wouldn’t be able of make this party/meeting. I thought of the male student, JZ. For a second, I wondered if SM would be here. I assumed that the three boys (SM, JZ and JL the usual team) were on tonight.

Dream 3: I went into the group chat there was like 200 messages . I assumed it was because of the session that had just been released.

Dream 4: I forgot. I had a trip planned. I had known about it and forgotten completely. I had had 3 weeks of annual leave arranged in the roster for ages. In fact, I only had a day or two of work left, well in fact it was one more day, today and then I was leaving. This all crept up me on out of nowhere. But really, I should have known because I'd been staring at the blank weeks in the roster against my name and thought nothing of it. I thought I was just going to stay home the whole time but it turns out I had a Europe holiday planned. I was going with an influencer from Instagram. I didn’t know her very well but I liked her, it’s as though we had just met and I knew we got along and the opportunity just presented itself. I think she was the one to remind me that we were going.

I had to pack. I had started packing an age ago, so I guess more proof that I had always known I was going but I had never finished packing. The suitcase was tucked away at the bottom of my closet. I had inside some toiletries and first aid items, and some other stuff and now I just had to pack my clothes. I have to admit I was a little panicked but I knew it would be fine. The flight felt like it was tonight? Like I had one more shift where I would finish at 5pm and then maybe the flight was at 9pm or some time after it. Was that right? I hope so. I wondered if my original shift was 1-9pm which would mean I'd have to seriously rush to get to the airport afterward. I was worried I hadn't swapped my shift yet with someone but I had. Then I thought, well I think it’s actually tomorrow, the flight. I confirmed this with the girl. I also thought I had 2 more days of work left but it was only 1, or even not at all. For a second, I worried about letting MN know that I was going to up and leave with no notice but I realised I had already prepared that and didn’t need to worry. Obviously I had, because the roster reflect this.

I just had to pack. I wondered what shoes to bring. It would be hot. There were these platform sandals but they looked humongous. I realised it's because they'd come from the factory and hadn't been split from their mold yet. I cracked them in half and tried them on. They did fit but then some of the heel crumbled but I seemed to not really care. I didn't have a bathing suit and I knew we should be swimming at beaches and whatnot. There was no time to run to the store and buy one, but I could just buy one while we were in Italy or Paris. The bathing suits, while probably more expensive, would be more stylish. Then I wondered about the girl I was going with. We barely knew each other. I’m a weird person. And as if she knew what I was thinking, she looked at me and smiled and said, You know I realised you’re a quite a crabby person. I said, Well yeah, I am. I’m temperamental, my emotions change suddenly because I’m always in tune, or at the mercy of my emotional environment, it's so tiring. She understood. Well, at least she seemed to accept it. I knew this was a good sign she didn’t dismiss me. I also felt that she was intimidatingly beautiful, why was she hanging out with me? Then I realised I was just as beautiful as her. In the end, I felt that we would be good travel companions. I imagined us taking photos together and sightseeing. But then I thought about cancelling the trip. It felt like a lot of effort, to pack, to get along with this person I hardly knew, not to mention the immediacy of it all. I only thought like this for a few seconds. I had made up my mind that I was going to go. I knew I would have a good time, it would all work out.

[jessicafurseth]

Reading List, Into the Summer double edition.

[Image: Poem by Morgan Harper Nichols, via 90sanxiety]

*

"Any time you are feeling shame over life choices, ask yourself who is benefitting from it (likely not you)." The 9 Essential Lessons My Summers Of Solo Travel Have Taught Me [Glynnis MacNicol, Vogue]

"Dirty, hedonistic, happy and bra-less - it beats journalling after a long day of pilates." Brat girl summer [Zoe Williams, The Guardian]

London's best outdoor spaces, according to National Park City founder Dan Raven-Ellison [Kate Lewis, BBC Travel]

Trekking Across Switzerland, Guided by Locals’ Hand-Drawn Maps [Ben Buckland, The New York Times]

“The completeness of this record is dizzy, stupefying: I’m using 43.87 gigabytes of data. The only way to navigate that vertiginous expanse is through the conduit of the Gmail search function. I type the names of my husband, my best friend, my girl gang out of college, my former roommate, my late uncle; some of these people long lost to me now, but eerily present in that window. Here we are planning road trips. Scheduling brunches. Sharing links." Gmail will break your heart [Links I would Gchat you if we were friends by Caitlin Dewey]

"I wanted to know how to be breezy. To meet someone for a drink but order food because I’d missed lunch. To free myself of this habit of rehearsing conversations in advance only to be disappointed when none of my prepared talking points naturally arose. ... No matter where I was, it seemed I was doomed to always feel as though I were in the window seat on a flight, prodding apologetically, mincing and smiling for the person in the aisle to get up." On getting diagnosed with autism as an adult [Mary HK Choi, The Cut]

"We need to go places and touch things." The people turning away from smartphones [Clea Skopeliti, The Guardian]

Before Smartphones, an Army of Real People Helped You Find Stuff on Google [Amelia Tait, Wired]

This Is What It Looks Like When AI Eats the World [Charlie Warzel, The Atlantic]

When did you last do one thing at a time? In defence of single use objects [Celia Mattison, Dirt]

I Have a Terrible Memory. Am I Better Off That Way? Wild scenes. [Katy Schneider, The Cut]

"But [parenthood] did not unearth new ethical or emotional resources. I am, it is true, far more patient with my daughter than I would be with anyone else exhibiting comparably high levels of incompetence, need, or obstinance. But this tolerance does not extend to anyone else. There is less of it to go around." What if parenthood isn't transformative at all? [Anastasia Berg, The Cut]

"The Lennon Patek captures a measure of time that no other watch ever will—the little they had left together." The Strange Journey of John Lennon’s Stolen Patek Philippe Watch [Jay Fielden, The New Yorker]

Inside the Old Bailey with Britain’s last court reporters | Crime [Sophie Elmhirst, The Guardian]

So long, Longform Podcast [Brady Brickner-Wood, The New York Times]

The Precarious Future of Big Sur’s Highway 1 [Emily Witt, The New Yorker]

“I think to an unusual degree Agnes sort of lives what she thinks and thinks what she lives.” Agnes Callard’s Marriage of the Minds [Rachel Aviv, The New Yorker]

"Change is slow in me. It’s a little like turning a tanker. I find I have to set it in motion and then wait patiently for it to happen, and try not to lose faith in the meantime. Since November, I’ve been intending to go and swim in the local outdoor pool, and on Tuesday I finally managed it. I’ve had my swimming bag packed all that time. I just needed to think through the steps before I could manage it. Even then, it took me all day to get in my car and drive down there, and I don’t think I’d have done it if H hadn’t gone with me. Until the moment I got in the water, swimming in a new place seemed like a multi-stage problem that I couldn’t solve." The Clearing by Katherine May

I’ve Spent a Lot of Time Pretending Not To Know What I Want [Swan Huntley, Autostraddle]

On being brave [Penny Wincer]

My life is boring Extra Honey by Jenny Clark

"I now could see the world in the uncanny, photonegative way that it wasn’t meant to be seen, but that was the truth — a truth I can’t shake even to this day. ... I truly never got over how apparently fragile I am, how unresilient I proved to be. That was one of the worst parts for me, that I knew something about myself now, which was that I was delicate. I had been rocked into a full nervous breakdown. ... All I knew was that, should something go wrong — a car accident, maybe, or a mugging — I would be prone to falling apart." How to live with it [Taffy Brodesser-Akner, The New York Times]

[infiniteglitterfall]

LMAOOOOOO OH MY GODDDDDD

I don't think I've ever used LMAO unironically in a post before but ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS, OP.

The world would LOSE THEIR MINDS if ONE of the ISRAELI HOSTAGES showed SIGNS of sexual abuse or torture??!?

First of all: I have not watched the left deny the sexual assault of Israelis by Hamas over, and over, and over, and fucking over, for TEN MONTHS, as a fucking sexual abuse survivor myself, to now see people claiming that anyone CARES about it.

Second, on November 28, 2023, CNN interviewed the father of released 9-year-old Emily Hand.

This statement of his really illustrates our complete ignorance of everything about life under Hamas; all of the very basic things about it that Israelis and Gazans know from deep personal experience; and the complete silencing of Gazan activists by the "pro-Palestinian" movement.

He said that a few days after the attack:

“They just said, ‘We found Emily. She’s dead.’ And I went, ‘Yes!’ I went, ‘Yes!’ and smiled because that is the best news of the possibilities that I knew … So death was a blessing, an absolute blessing.”

And then it turned out they were wrong and she'd been taken hostage.

When she was released she was covered in lice, glassy-eyed with terror, and could not speak above a whisper because she'd been forced to be silent for so long.

Her group of hostages had been kept in such isolation that after 50 days as a hostage, Emily had thought she'd been captive for a year.

Third, on November 29, a Thai worker who was released from Hamas captivity said, “The Jews who were held with me were treated very harshly, sometimes they were beaten with electric cables.”

And 72-year-old Adina Moshe's family, translating for her from Hebrew, told CNN how she had been kept in the dark for 22 hours each day.

Fourth, on December 20, CNN described how 12-year-old Eitan Yahalomi was beaten when he arrived in Gaza, was forced to watch videos of Hamas's brutal attack over and over, and threatened at gunpoint to stop crying.

And how 84-year-old Elma Avraham was seriously ill when she returned from Gaza, fighting for her life on a ventilator. Dr. Hagai Levine reported, "You can see on her body that she was dragged from place to place, that she was handcuffed. She has chemical wounds from not treating her basic needs."

Fifth: On January 23, 2024, victims of sexual and gender-based violence by Hamas gathered to speak in front of Israel's parliament, the Knesset.

62-year-old Aviva Adrienne Siegel testified, "The terrorists brought inappropriate clothes, doll clothes and turned the girls into their dolls, dolls on a string with which you can do whatever you want and whenever you want.

"There wasn't a minute that we didn't go through some form of abuse. And they're still there, surviving, barely. I'm still there, my body is there. The boys are also abused, same as what the girls are going through. Maybe they don't get pregnant, but they are also a puppet on a string."

Sixth: On February 15, a clip from Sheryl Sandberg's documentary Screams Before Silence was released, in which hostage Agam Goldstein-Almog relates the story of a fellow hostage's rape.

She also says that about half of the girls and young women she met in captivity told her they had experienced sexual and physical abuse as hostages - "and I haven't talked to all the girls who are there." Most of the hostages she met are still in captivity, if they're still alive.

Seventh: On March 4, the United Nations' envoy on sex crimes during conflict presented a 24-page report, based on more than two weeks of meetings on the ground, which said there was "clear and convincing information that sexual violence including rape, sexualized torture, cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment" was committed against hostages being held in captivity in the Strip by Hamas. And that there are "reasonable grounds" to believe that such violence is still ongoing against those hostages still in captivity in Gaza.

Eighth: Israeli hostage Amit Soussana was interviewed in the New York Times about her rape in captivity on March 26, 2024, which is four and a half damn months ago.

Around Oct. 24, the guard, who called himself Muhammad, attacked her. “He came towards me and shoved the gun at my forehead,” Ms. Soussana recalled during eight hours of interviews with The New York Times in mid-March. After hitting Ms. Soussana and forcing her to remove her towel, Muhammad groped her, sat her on the edge of the bathtub and hit her again, she said. He dragged her at gunpoint back to the child’s bedroom, a room covered in images of the cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants, she recalled. “Then he, with the gun pointed at me, forced me to commit a sexual act on him,” Ms. Soussana said. Ms. Soussana, 40, is the first Israeli to speak publicly about being sexually assaulted during captivity after the Hamas-led raid on southern Israel. In her interviews with The Times, conducted mostly in English, she provided extensive details of sexual and other violence she suffered during a 55-day ordeal. Ms. Soussana’s personal account of her experience in captivity is consistent with what she told two doctors and a social worker less than 24 hours after she was freed on Nov. 30. Their reports about her account state the nature of the sexual act; The Times agreed not to disclose the specifics. For months, Hamas and its supporters have denied that its members sexually abused people in captivity or during the Oct. 7 terrorist attack. This month, a United Nations report said that there was “clear and convincing information” that some hostages had suffered sexual violence and there were “reasonable grounds” to believe sexual violence occurred during the raid, while acknowledging the “challenges and limitations” of examining the issue.

Later in the interview, she talks about torture:

After several minutes, they used duct tape to cover her mouth and nose, tied her feet, and placed the handcuffs on the base of her palms, she said. Then she was suspended, hanging “like a chicken” from a stick stretching between two couches, causing her such pain that she felt that her hands would soon be dislocated. They carried on beating and kicking her, focusing on the soles of her feet, while simultaneously demanding information they believed she was hiding from them, Ms. Soussana said. She still doesn’t understand what exactly they wanted or why they thought she was concealing something, she said. At one point, the head guard brought over a spike, and made as if to poke her eye with it, pulling away just in time, she said. “It was like that for 45 minutes or so,” she said. “They were hitting me and laughing and kicking me, and called the other hostages to see me,” she said.

Ninth: On April 24th, the BBC interviewed Moran Yanai, and wrote: "Moran says she lost 12% of her bodyweight, and her hair, during 54 days in Gaza, and that her body was covered with scars."

I'm sure none of that was from torture. It was just probably that uh... what does international humanitarian law say about hostages, besides that you cannot fucking take hostages and that taking hostages is a fucking war crime?

Let's move on.

Tenth: On April 26th, Sheryl Sandberg's one-hour documentary "Screams Before Silence" was released. It's free to watch on the YouTubes. I have heard it has more testimony. I have not watched it yet.

But!!

We don't have to fucking go to the hostages for examples!! There was nothing BUT torture and rape on Oct 7!!!

People were burned in fires so hot that their fucking BONES burned to ash. They had to bring in volunteer archaeologists to find all the bodies. They only found the body of the last missing person recently. Ten months after her brutal murder by Hamas, PFLP, and PIJ.

A Jordanian doctor who examined the forensic evidence wrote,

In Abu Kabir, I examined incinerated remnants of teeth and bones; charred remains of children; and physical cadavers of victims. I read CT scans of children and adults bound together and burned alive. I viewed images of a decapitated young girl, her child skull tethered to her trunk by only a sliver of decaying skin. Her facial expression, surrounding milk teeth, haunts me still. Across the boundaries of death, her Edward Munch-like scream still echoes. ...I inspected bodies that had been repeatedly stabbed, shot, and crushed. I examined mutilated bodies, restrained with cables, electrical cords, and zipties, still in place post-mortem, and those that had been decapitated and incinerated at temperatures approaching 3,000 degrees Celsius. Sergeant Major Natah Katz from the IDF Rabbinical Unit at the Shura base near Ramle described to me cadavers he received with breasts and genitals hacked off, one with a knife impaled directly into the vagina. The mutilation of sexual organs and breasts, "seemed to be an obsession," he recalled. Dr. Chen Kugel, head of Israel's National Forensic Center has confirmed to me the same. Indeed, Hamas arrived with orders to mass rape: Phrasebooks belonging to Hamas found in the Re'im area listed phonetic Hebrew commands in Arabic "Take your clothes off!"; " Spread your legs!'; "Get down!" Terabytes of their own video data confirm Hamas raped, amputated breasts, mutilated women's genitals, and committed systematic sexual crimes on both the living and the dead. Necrophilia has been explicitly reported.

At the January 23 Knesset hearing, Zaka representative Haim Langertal stated:

"I saw women who were stripped of their clothes, we saw women who were shot in their private parts, it happened at a party and later in kibbutzim. One was tied up, one had her arms cut off. We found at least 20 burned bodies and found flammable material next to them to burn them while they were still alive. In the houses in the kibbutzim we saw women and men with stripped clothes and mutilated organs. They moved them from room to room and took off their clothes and slaughtered them."

On July 24, Channel 12 news in Israel interviewed a man who had been gang-raped by Hamas.

“They pin you to the ground, you try to resist, they take off your clothes, laugh at you, humiliate you, spit at you. They touched [private] parts, they rape you. "There is a circle, [people] laugh, and you don’t know what to do in the moment, whether you should resist or let it pass, how to deal with the situation. There was a very difficult rape. At some point more people arrived and called for them and so they had to stop. "It’s a very tough moment. Weakness in the entire body. As if your blood is cheap. They were wildly intoxicated, celebrating, laughing with their pistols, with their knives. You disassociate yourself from the situation, but on the other hand experience it very strongly. Very difficult." Asked how he has been coping with the experience, Dalet replied, "It wasn’t simple in the beginning. I was very closed off." He also reported an obsessive fixation on cleanliness in the aftermath of the attack. "A lot, a lot of showers, to get all that energy off me, everything that happened." ...Aware that some are casting doubt on testimony of sexual violence on October 7, Dalet has presented various sources with medical opinions that testify to the harm done to him, as well as sitting for a polygraph test.

Four more survivors of sexual assault by Hamas came forward soon after that, although their stories are not public yet.

The first account of rape by Hamas was from PBS on like October 11th. There were more on the 13th. There have been more, and more, and fucking more.

One of my closest friends, who is vehemently anti-Zionist but also loathes what Hamas did, "hadn't seen anything in the news" about sexual assault by Hamas.

I gave her links. She ignored them and talked about something else.

By December, I had seen more than a dozen examples. I saw a TikTok excerpt of a podcast in which someone who "wasn't saying there might not have been SOME individual rapes on Oct 7," even though she "hadn't heard of any," then flatly denied that there had been a pattern of rape. And said it was a racist and genocidal accusation. Even though she hadn't even bothered to so much as Google whether there had been ONE rape that day.

I made a response in which I listed a bunch of examples of sexual abuse by Hamas. I never posted it, because the wall of rape denial out there was so intense.

On December 5, 2023, the BBC shared this horrifying overview:

Multiple photographs from the sites after the attack show the bodies of women naked from the waist down, or with their underwear ripped to one side, legs splayed, with signs of trauma to their genitals and legs. "It really feels like Hamas learned how to weaponise women's bodies from ISIS [the Islamic State group] in Iraq, from cases in Bosnia," said Dr Cochav Elkayam-Levy, a legal expert at the Davis Institute of International Relations at Hebrew University. "It brings me chills just to know the details that they knew about what to do to women: cut their organs, mutilate their genitals, rape. It's horrifying to know this." "I spoke with at least three girls who are now hospitalised for a very hard psychiatric situation because of the rapes they watched," Minister May Golan told me. "They pretended to be dead and they watched it, and heard everything. And they can't deal with it." Israel's police chief Yaacov Shabtai said that many survivors of the attacks were finding it difficult to talk and that he thought some of them would never testify about what they saw or experienced. "Eighteen young men and women have been hospitalised in mental health hospitals because they could no longer function," he said. Others are reportedly suicidal. One of those working with the teams around survivors told the BBC that some had already killed themselves.

The world would lose their minds if any one of the Israeli hostages showed signs of sexual abuse or torture.

Palestinian men have been subjected to rape and sodomy by a broomstick, which has been proudly justified by an Israeli lawmaker and Zionists are defending that.

Absolutely abhorrent.

[mom-dont-like-it]

"A Friend"

Part 9

"Is it just me or is he looking at you," Uraraka whispered, moving closer to Midoriya. Ochako glanced back every now and then to see Bakugou looking annoyed. "At least I get to see him every time I turn around.

"Don't look at him," Midoriya whispered to her friend. She looked back herself for a second. "I have no idea what's going on myself."

In fact, it was Bakugou who was now the one who had no understanding. Fights seemed inevitable with his temper and Midoriya's stubbornness. And so it happened every time they met. Small disagreements as well as big fights were not uncommon in their relationship. Unfortunately, they did not end the way they should have. Bakugou and Midoriya hadn't spoken to each other since middle school. They could not agree on anything after a moment that had affected both of them and revealed new sides to them. It was easier for them to take a neutral stance and just ignore the whole thing.

"Hey, what the hell?" Bakugou said, watching Midoriya slip away at the first opportunity.

They encountered a lingering Uraraka as soon as they stepped outside the dormitory. Bakugou had planned to stalk Midoriya without leaving her side. But now, she had the perfect opportunity to escape.

"Uraraka-san! I was just about to ask you something," Midoriya exclaimed, running up to her friend. Uraraka looked at her and then, shifting her gaze to Bakugou, smiled understandingly.

"Of course, what did you want?"

Bakugou unhappily followed the girls farther and farther away and muttered something grudgingly to himself.

"Uraraka-san! I wanted to ask you something," Midoriya called. She ran over to her friend. Uraraka looked at her. Then she shifted his gaze to Bakugou and smiled understandingly.

"Of course, what did you want?"

Bakugou followed the girls farther and farther away, muttering something to himself.

Did Midoriya want to get the relationship back on the right track at all, or not? After last night and the shopping trip together, and what had already happened this morning, Midoriya herself seemed to be moving in that direction. But now the time has been up and she is on the run again. Bakugou found it difficult to understand other people. But for some reason, it was Izuku, the closest friend, who proved to be more difficult to understand than all the others.

"I'm telling you, he's watching!" Uraraka whispered, tugging at Midoriya's hand. In the last few minutes, Bakugou had defiantly walked up to them five times. Midoriya had deliberately ignored and avoided him for reasons that were completely incomprehensible to him. Now, Bakugou had decided to take matters into his own hands. But in his own character, of course.

The whole first half of the day, while the class had its usual general education lessons, Bakugou followed her. He never let Midoriya out of his sight. He followed her in class and when she went out. He even sat across from her in the cafeteria. At first, Izuku might have been distracted by his classmates or yelled at Bakugou to stop his nonsense. But now, it was clear to everyone that their interference would make absolutely no difference.

"Today you will fill in your gaps in training. I will give you individual plans. You will practise under the supervision of the teachers.

"Iida raised his hand: "Who will be present?

Aizawa lifted the notebook in front of him and looked at his pupil. It was better to answer them all at once if there were questions to be answered.

"Ectoplasm with me. To get started, the two of us are enough. When we get there, I'll hand out these plans. They're made for each of you. Sometimes there is an overlap with your classmates' quirks. That means: We thought it might help you in your training. You can choose whatever you want. You can do it on your own or in a team. The important thing is that you let us know. Is it clear?

From the classroom came a cheerful "Yes".

"I hope it really is," Aizawa sighed. He stepped out from behind the pulpit and pressed a button on the remote control. "Grab your suits and get ready."

Bakugou jumped to his feet and turned around, but found no one behind him. Outside the office, a shock of green hair was already flickering. Katsuki's frustration and impatience grew. Brushing aside Kirishima and Kaminari, Bakugou walked out and decided to take more drastic measures.

The training ground was far away. The class took the bus to get there. Aizawa left everyone in the care of Iida, of whom he was at least half sure, and disappeared.

Bakugou took the seat next to Midoriya and pushed Mina away as soon as she was seated. He pushed some papers almost under Izuku's nose without saying a word. Midoriya's expression changed to one of growing despair as she read the contents.

"Midoriya said pitifully, still hoping that Bakugou would go away, "You didn't want to train together this morning. But from the grin on Katsuki's face, Midoriya knew that he wasn't going to let her go now.

"Then I've changed my mind," Bakugou hummed. He leaned back in his seat. The bus began to move slowly. For a while, Midoriya said nothing, not wanting to start the conversation. Silence reigned for a while. Despite the fact that Bakugou had already decided to train together, he was still waiting for an answer. The bus was on the way to the training ground

"I won't," Izuku finally said weakly and looked away.

"What did you say?"

The bus stopped abruptly. Midoriya jumped up from her seat and walked backwards, past all the "obstacles".

"I say I won't!" Midoriya squealed as she jumped off the stopped bus, causing Iida to shout in her direction. To her delight, the teachers were already standing in front of the bus. Bakugou, who jumped out after her, slowed down

Midoriya could feel the gaze on her as the teachers explained safety procedures and divided everyone into groups for training. Quickly, she began to think of what needed to happen. As soon as the teachers had given everyone time to disperse, Midoriya would approach Ectoplasm and try to hide from Bakugou.

"Can I have some clarification about the individual training?" said Midoriya with an emphasis on the word 'individual' in her voice and a quick glance at the approaching Katsuki.

"Of course," Ectoplasm replied. He looked at the teenager incomprehensively. "What did you want to ask?"

"Nothing anymore," Bakugou said, imitating Midoriya's voice and pulling her away from the teacher. "She didn't have any questions about individual training since she and I will train together, right, Izuku?"

No, no, no," Midoriya groaned. Bakugou was now dragging her away. "W-w-wait!"

Midoriya said. She freed herself from her friend's grip and waved her arms in protest. Bakugou crossed his arms over his chest. He looked at her expectantly.

"I've changed my mind too," Izuku said and looked away. Somehow, just talking to Bakugou like that made her feel too uncomfortable. "I want to continue with my plan."

"I don't care."

"But Kaccha-mf!" Midoriya exclaimed as Bakugou suddenly stepped closer to her and grabbed her by the cheeks. For some reason, Izuku's pouty face reminded him of the times when she had tried to resist Bakugou as a child. But in the end, she had never succeeded. It pleased him to see the freckles on her cheeks jumping happily when Midoriya was so happy. It showed her true feelings.

"Bakugou! What are you doing?" The moment the teacher's thunderous voice reached the boys, Izuku stumbled back in surprise, caught his foot on the edge of the small platform and fell into the water, unable to keep his balance. Midoriya didn't stay under for long. Aizawa was able to pick her up and pull her to dry land, thanks to the ribbons.

"Midoriya, are you all right?" Todoroki asked, standing nearby. He helped Izuku up with his hand.

"Are you all right?" clarified Aizawa, who looked around at the students in a threatening way and found Bakugou in the crowd.

"Midoriya replied, coughing, "Yes.

Aizawa pulled Bakugou closer: "If you say so. Follow me quickly."

[welcometomynighttime]

this anime gave me an anxiety attack - a text from a closeted 4 years ago me

I binged this anime last night, loved it, it became one of my favourites, but after completing it, I had a full blown anxiety attack while facing what and who I am in the middle of the night.

One of the show’s main theme is sexuality, how it’s present everywhere in society and the importance that it’s given to sex and virginity and how different people perceive it, in this case, teenagers.

Seeing them struggle with feelings they never felt, their confusion with sexuality and love was so relatable to me, you see, although I’m in college, I’m a virgin, just like them, I get uncomfortable thinking about it, just like them, but I know that one day it will happen, with the right person, but I feel this pressure to lose it, that it’s abnormal being a virgin at this age (20 going 21 in a few months). In 12 episodes, we see the characters discover their sexuality and coming to terms with it and their desires, even if it makes them uncomfortable and uneasy, it’s part of life, and they realize that with time it’ll become just a normal thing.

Seeing this, I started thinking about my love life, and realised how alone and confused I am, i do want to meet a girl (boy you have a big storm coming when you realize you don't like girls and instead like guys), I do want to have sex but with the right person, not just anyone, but then I started thinking about the way I look and the way I act and thinking that no girl would ever want to be with me, and I felt so desperate, that’s how the anxiety attack began. I cried for a good 1h maybe, only then i was able to calm myself down, then I went to MyAnimeList and proceeded to give a 9/10 to this anime.

There aren’t a lot of animes that explore these themes as well and comfortably like “O Maidens in your Savage Season” did, and I am glad I watched it, not only was the story really good (I mean REALLY good) but it made feel like I wasn’t weird, I am who I am, and it will happen and the right time, there’s no need to pressure myself into losing my virginity, fuck society’s rules.

I guess that’s it.

bye.

-------------------------------Present me--------------------------------

Took the liberty of adding a note to the text, it's crazy to see how i was in such a different place then comparing it to now, but i am very glad to see all of what i wanted came true in the years to come.

In 2020 (the year the world went to shit) i realized i like guys and not girls after years of denial because of my dad's homophobia, then later that year i did meet someone, the love of my life, we started officially dating in 2021 and are about to move in together finally, life is good, and i am genuinely so happy, and i know i'll feel like this forever.

Curious of how differently i would've reacted to this anime if i had watched it only now.

Well that's all from me, for now.

Until next time.

[mentally-in-northern-italy]

Cigarettes — Billy Hargrove x reader

*not my gif*

Summary: Billy's attention is never held by anyone for too long. But a certain cashier at a certain convenience store always seems to render him speechless.

Word Count: 1.5 K

A/N: hi guys!! i'm back!!!?? sort of?? idek. but it's spring break for me so hopefully i'll find some more motivation and put out some hp stuff. idk what this is specifically but my sister was watching stranger things so this was written on a whim at 3 AM. i might do a part 2 if i get some inspo but enjoy this little thing for now!

Billy had been watching you. For quite some time now, too.

He had tried to find solace in the fact that it hadn’t exactly been intentional. No, he told himself, it was purely coincidental.

It was completely coincidental that Billy happened to drive twenty minutes each day to visit the convenience store that you worked at, which just happened to be on the other side of town. It was purely a coincidence that he would roam around the store aimlessly, looking at nothing in particular every time he visited. It was also coincidental that he had memorized your schedule and your break times. And that his eyes never seemed to leave you as you billed people’s groceries through. It was all random. A chance occurrence.

Or, so Billy told himself.

And now, as he stood in line for the cashier that you just happened to be working at -- it was always number 9, but Billy totally hadn’t memorized that -- he could not stop fidgeting. He had run countless hands in his perfectly styled mullet and straightened his jacket more times than he would’ve cared to count.

What the hell is going on? He asked himself as he failed to understand just why he seemed to involuntarily act in such a way around you. Billy liked to think that he knew himself. Rather well, actually.

He knew the way he was perceived. He knew that he drew eyes everywhere he walked and that adults viewed him a nuisance. He knew of his assets -- his undeniable charm and bad-boy appeal -- that almost always worked in his favour with the ladies when he wanted it to. He knew that he could saunter over to any girl in school and ask her out, and he wouldn’t even have to wait for a response because he knew that it would be a ‘yes’. He knew all this, yet with you, any degree of certainty that he may feel about himself went out the window.

Billy avoided thinking about you for too long because he knew that that would only increase his chances of arriving at conclusions that he didn’t want to arrive at. He did not want to think about the fact that his eyes followed you, not only in the convenience stores, but also in the hallways at school. He did not want to think about the amount of thought that he put in everytime he picked a seat in any one of the classes that you shared; that he always picked the seat that would allow him to look at you without you noticing, a seat that would guarantee your not talking to him.

Because, if there was one thing that Billy was absolutely certain of when it came to you, it was the fact that he cared.

He had pursued many girls in his short life, everyone knew that. He had also asked many girls out on dates, albeit if they were seldom romantic or well-planned. The possibility of being rejected had always been there. Hell, he had been rejected a few times, too. But, he had gotten over it in a snap of his fingers, and had moved onto someone else. The truth was, he had never cared -- or thought much about, if he was being honest -- about the possibility of rejection. He was Billy fucking Hargrove. He got what he wanted -- and if he didn’t, he damn well knew how to get it. Rejection, while being present in his dictionary to some extent, didn’t have much hold on him until you.

Though Billy would never admit it to himself, he knew that he would care if you rejected him, if you shot him down. He knew that it would have a much greater effect on him than you, or anyone else, could ever guess. He knew that he liked you too much.

So, to eliminate the daunting chances of potential rejection, he decided he won’t even try. You can’t miss when you don’t shoot, right?

He was jolted out of his thoughts as his turn finally came and he was met with your smiling face.

“‘Morning! How are you today?” You asked in a cheery tone, one that you reserved for customers.

“A pack of Marlboros,” he spoke coolly, avoiding eye contact with you as he dug around for his wallet in his back pocket.

You took the hint as your smile faltered slightly and you turned around to grab the cigarettes that he had asked for. You had grown accustomed to his behaviour by now; you couldn't help but notice the frequency of his visits. In fact, it was only yesterday that he had walked into the store in a similar fashion, walked up and down countless aisles, and asked for a pack of Marlboros in the same distant tone.

Your knowledge on the bad boy that Billy Hargrove was proclaimed to be was admittedly limited. You had never talked to him at school, though you had seen him often enough in the halls chatting up a different girl each week. You shared a few classes together, too, but even in those, an opportunity to approach him never presented itself. And, the chances of you getting to know the mystery that lay underneath his golden curls was even more limited outside of school--unless you were willing to go to Tommy H.’s parties.

You did find it a little amusing, though, and a little peculiar, that Billy always managed to find you on his daily trips to the store. Even weirder, though, was the fact that irregardless of how much time he spent browsing the store, he never bought anything other than his usual pack of cigarettes.

“Out already?” You expressed your curiosity as you rummaged about the carton that held cigarettes and tried to find Marlboros.

“What?” Well, shit. This was not part of the script, Billy cursed himself as he tried to compose the storm within.

“Of cigarettes,” you clarified, “You came yesterday, too. And the day before that. And before that, as well… Every day of the week, actually.”

Billy blinked. And then, he blinked again. Shit. She knows.

“What, is it against company policy to mind your own damn business?” He spits out. He cringed internally a little at how naturally he was able to be a dick to someone posing an innocent question. But then again, he knew himself. He knew that he was a dick.

And the snappy reply he gave you was good, he told himself. The last thing that he wanted was for you to get the wrong idea; to think that he was going soft or that, Heaven forbid, he liked you. He needed to act like an ass. He needed to act like himself… something that had begun to seem like an inordinately difficult task around you.

You were taken aback at his rude retort, you admit, but you quickly regained your composure to bite back. You were not about to let Billy Hargrove snap at you. No way.

You let out a small laugh, “And you must be thoroughly accustomed with our company policy, seeing as you spend every waking moment in here, right?”

Billy cursed at himself as he realized that he had gotten himself into deep shit. Any hopes that he may have held of shimmying his way into your heart through something civil, like kindness, had evaporated. He knew that he could not go soft now, not without risking suspicion. He had to be Billy Hargrove, the bad-boy, the jerk, and the absolute moron. After all, he had a reputation to maintain.

“Can I get my cigarettes now or are you going to keep whining about actually getting business in your little store?” He tried to sound as distant as possible, like he couldn’t care less about what you were saying to him or what you were undoubtedly thinking about him, but he knew that that was far from the truth. He placed his wallet on the counter as he leaned back slightly, trying to sell his nonchalance.

You scoffed quietly as you continued looking for his Marlboros, eager to ring him up as quickly as possible to be rid of the absolute jerk that Billy Hargrove was. “We’re out,” you concluded with smug satisfaction.

“What?” Off-script, yet again. Well fucking done, Hargrove.

“Marlboros. We’re out of Marlboros,” you repeated impatiently. “Anything else?”

Billy assessed his options, which was something he rarely did. Everyone around him knew of his rash temperament: he acted first, thought second. But standing here, in front of you, who regarded him with irritation and an unfriendly scowl, he found himself caring, yet again. He concluded that he could either stride out at this very second, without exchanging another word with you or sparing you a glance, which would leave a permanent unfavourable image of him in your head. Or he could buy something else. Prolong this interaction. Billy really had no idea which option would be better.

He let out a small huff and held your eye for a moment. You raised an eyebrow at him, indicating and reminding him that there were actually other people in the world and the world did not, contrary to popular belief, revolve around him. With as much swagger as he could possibly muster at this moment, he simply shoved his hands in his pockets and stalked out of the door. You rolled your eyes slightly as you turned your attention to the next customer in line, who seemed particularly irritated by the long waiting time.

You plastered your best customer service smile on and apologized before greeting them and ringing them through. It wasn’t until the next customer had paid that you noticed something on the counter.

A black leather wallet, which held about as much bad-boy allure as its owner did. As Billy Hargrove did. And with a sigh, you closed your eyes. You’ll be talking to Billy yet again. And this time, he had an excuse. A legitimate one.

[freefromthecocoon]

Hope Is A Good Thing--Caryl Edition

Well, I think I have finally put my thoughts together about Caryl. 

Carol and Daryl throughout this episode were in complete sync. I think this is one reason we are all so upset they are separated for now. They really do need each other. But they can function without the other person there….just not as well as when they are together. 

Carol and Daryl can calm each other with just a touch as has been demonstrated several times throughout their arc over 11 seasons and also in these final eight episodes with emphasis on Carol being able to calm Daryl with just a touch. 

This was first evidenced in the hospital when he woke up on the gurney to the tears of Luke’s family as he succumbed to his traumas. Carol could sense Daryl’s worry about Judith’s well-being as she helped start a blood transfusion from Daryl to Judith in an amazing callback to the farm in season 2 with Rick and Carl. 

After Tomi performed surgery on Judith, we watched Caryl keep a vigil over their beloved Judith. This was a girl they got to save together. The looks that Daryl and Carol share before Judith awakes speaks volumes about the bonds that Caryl have forged over all these years. The moment Judith wakes and sees them both there, it was lovely to see Carol and Daryl smile down at the little girl who they both have repeatedly worked to protect throughout her young life. 

The time jump was frustrating as I would have liked to had that time with them. Alas, that was not presented to us, so that’s where all my Caryl moots who are excellent fic writers can come in. 

After Maggie’s discussion with Caryl about looking in other territories for what I assume are other communities, we get to the most beautiful scene in the finale.  Our soulmates sitting by a body of water together. And unlike in Find Me, they are not separated by the water, but on the same side. I like that symbolism. I was also reminded of the Season 9 premiere as they sit on the loading dock of the Sanctuary. These two have such an ease with each other at times and can say the most appropriate things and other times I want to bang my head against the wall and yell at them. I think this may be one reason we all relate to them so well. We see ourselves in Daryl and Carol. 

Earlier in the season, Norman said that Caryl had some heartbreaking scenes coming up and Lord I hate that he was right. But Norman and Melissa acted their asses off, but I suspect a lot of those emotions we saw between them were very real for not only Daryl and Carol, but for Norman and Melissa as well.

I alluded to this in my overall review of the entire episode, but I would be remiss if I didn’t say something here. Bear McCreary and Sam Ewing pulled emotional beats with the score that I don’t think would have been possible otherwise.  The scoring over this farewell scene with Caryl was perfection, it pulled at the heartstrings with crescendos when necessary and an appropriate hush of the music when Daryl said those three words. 

I pray that at some point if there were extensions to these scenes that were cut for time, we get the full scenes added back in for a 4K release. Especially that hand holding scene as they walked to Daryl’s bike. 

Daryl saying goodbye to the kids and asking Judith to watch over Carol, warmed my cold, dead heart. Then observant little Judith went and did it and told her Uncle Daryl that he deserved a happy ending as well.  Judith knows, just like Henry knew as he saw them interacting in Season 9 that these two are more than just really good friends

I said in another post, I had very low expectations going into this episode. I didn’t know how they would handle the departure of Daryl without Carol.  If you had told me that Daryl Dixon would tell Carol that he loved her, I would have called you delusional. No way would that gift be given to us. But guess what? IT FUCKING WAS!!!! DARYL LOVES CAROL AND SHE LOVES HIM BACK!!!! 

I know people have differing opinions on what canon means to them, but I am totally claiming canon on this scene alone. Words mean things folks, especially coming from Daryl Dixon. When I tell you I gasped and almost passed out, I am not lying. I have watched this scene a million times and it gets better every time I watch it. I think Carol’s reaction was meant to mirror ours as none of us was expecting that to be said.

It was hard to watch him get on that bike and leave her standing there. But she and he are brave souls. I believe in my bones they will meet again one day.  I go to my standard hope quote here: “Hope is a good thing and no good thing ever dies.” 

I hope my words have helped you somehow.  I am here for you if you need to talk. But know this, I am very hopeful about Carol and Daryl’s future.