#girl said her family was 'hosting a tailgate' so i was like ok so that's not when you're driving too close to someone else let me check....

[beatriceportinari]

googled what a tailgate is today.... appalled......

[trashinaglass-archive]

This is a rant about a toxic family member of mine. 

Just wanted to get it out. If you don’t care, don’t blame you, have a nice day. If you do, YOU’RE AN ANGEL

Blurbs to come soon to cheer me up:)))))

Ok so setting up the scene, I am not a skinny girl (never really have been bc of meds I was put on as a child). I got hella everything; boobs, stomach, thighs, you name it. I could lose some weight, and I do plan to, but I always hoped to be accepted by family. They would see me as their family and not just my weight. Right?

Not so much.

I was *lucky* enough to grow up with a grandmother that carried such high standards for herself bc she needs to seem perfect to men, so she’s the literal epitome of vanity, and she pushes that shit onto me. I have to be pretty, I have to be thin, all that bullshit. But I’m not. Consequently, I grew up with this lady constantly breathing down my back about my weight and shit.

We went out to eat- being a kid, I ordered chicken tenders and fries; “you ought to get baked chicken and vegetables. that’s why you’re overweight.” (I don’t eat chicken tenders much now and this is probably why)

We went shopping- found a dress I adored and felt really pretty in, turn around to ask if I can get it; (making a repulsed face) “I am not buying that, your arms are too fat to wear that. you need to dress for your weight.”

One of my best friends got me a Mountain Dew for my 13th birthday bc I loved them but never drank them bc granny was beginning to scar me; “why are you drinking that? that is so bad for you.” On my birthday!!

I saw on my moms phone, she sent a text to granny saying ‘look at this memory, how cute’. Her literal response: “yeah but it shows how much weight she’s put on, she really needs to stop eating so much” or mom sending her pictures from a trip we’re on and granny replying with “Kate ruins the picture with how she’s standing, shows how fat she is. Don’t post it.”

Literally, I have a million stories like this. Comments on my weight as if it’s her business. But that’s not where it ends:) Her blatant favoritism is also out of hand.

The kids in our family consists of three boys and two girls. The three boys are golden jewels held on the highest of pedestals. My younger sister gets second favorite bc she’s thin as a stick. I’m fucking lower than roaches bc ya girl be thicker than a snicker. So she hosts Christmas this year and sits at the table with us five grandchildren, boys on one side of the table while girls are on the other (that’s just how it happened, sounds weird typing it out) and I get to watch as granny sits at the head of the table and positions her body to face the golden boys and talks to them, never looking or speaking to the girls. She also got me two Christmas presents, a gift card and mace. Both of which she told me she was getting me beforehand. She also didn’t say shit to me about the gift I got her out of the goodness of my heart that I thought she’d enjoy but that’s whatever.

During thanksgiving, we took a trip to gatlinburg, tennessee. If you live in the south, you know college football is a huge deal. I am an Alabama fan while she is an auburn fan, rival teams that played each other this night. After the game, all I wanted to do was finish my homework, but she has to come to me to gloat about her team winning, saying “aw you lost, are you gonna make it through the night haha!” BITCH I WILL-

I just grew up with literal, straight abuse I feel like that’s a strong word, sorry if it offends you for using it wrong, but it’s the best word I could think of in my situation from her. But she’s so caught up in her vanity that she can’t tell that she’s an awful person. She cries to my mom about how I don’t like her and it hurts her feelings and boohoo, but never tries to come to me and say anything. 

The effect it had on me? I live in body negativity. My self image is down the drain. I can’t look in the mirror without seeing every single flaw. I hate how I look in every aspect of the word. I can’t eat without thinking of the impact that food is having on my body. I constantly think about what others think about me, knowing it’s “obviously” about me being fat. I hate going to my sorority events bc I don’t want my sisters to judge me and be like “look at that fat bitch”. I constantly, even when around family, wonder if they think I look stupid fat in my outfit. I have anxiety when it comes to outfits, as stupid as it sounds. I constantly dress nicer than I probably need to bc my mind thinks that if people see fashion and cute, they won’t notice the fat and ugly.

I shouldn’t have to feel like that. I shouldn’t have to feel like this bc someone that should care about me sees me as my weight and some fucking tool at her disposal. I do plan on starting a fitness journey in the new year, for myself, to hopefully gain the confidence that was stolen from me. And when I do look like I want to and feel happy and self-love, I don’t plan on seeing granny. Unless I’m made to by my mom, I’m out of the picture. I don’t want the “oh you look so much better. Look how much weight you lost.” None of it. Bye boomer.

It’s also pretty funny bc my mom always told her to be nice to ME bc I will be the person that takes care of her when she’s old old bc I’m the most compassionate of everyone. What a mess she’s made of (for?) herself. I’ll put her in a nursing home real quick, shoot.

Honorable mentions bc I could go on for days about things this lady has done/said to me:

She’s retired with stacks on deck and travels at least one or twice a month, but when study abroad trips come up as a topic for me, she jumps in saying “I’ll pay for it, but only if I can go”. Yay for holding me back on my own personal experiences.

She’s reversed her car into my truck two times. She didn’t give a shit about it the first time, not telling my parents about it or offering to get it fixed (she destroyed the trailer hitch and the bumper so I can’t put my tailgate down, love that) and the second time, she was only remorseful bc I actually acted out against her. I didn’t talk to her, I gave her every dirty look I could. I was fed up. And then she thinks she has the right to bully me about my car being old and needing work.

She text me one day asking what I wanted for my birthday. I told her I wanted to get my hair done. She told me to get a job. Ok boomer.

[onlineholly]

2017 wrapped

Hey Holly, it’s Holly. How are you? Did 2018 go ok? Or is everyone saying “2018 did me so bad omggg” like they do with every year? 

Here’s a little recap of every cool thing you did in 2017, just so you don’t forget, but mostly so you can feel nostalgic as you read this back later. 

In January, you went to the women’s march in Portland and wrote this here poem, because Trump was elected president. I know, crazy, remember that? After campaigning for Bernie in 2016 and attending one of his rallies, you had been filled with a glimmer of hope for the future of America, but this election was a gigantic step backwards. Like, 20 years backwards in progress. 

In February, I’d say the coolest thing you did was attend the Live Salted conference in Portland with Hayley, your old Young Life leader. You felt so connected to a group of people whom you had never met before, but they welcomed you in and loved you so well. Here, your faith began to bloom more in 2016. Continuing with the blooming of faith in February, you also attended a campaigners camp at Washington Family Ranch as well, where you felt at home somewhere, and like you had a place in Young Life. (Honorable mentions for February: Lilli’s birthday and, oh yeah, getting your license finally!!!!)

By March, your campaign with Cam for Junior Class Presidents was in full swing, as you had dragged him into running with you. I think he actually did like it through, I mean, he must have, because he decided to run with you again for ASB! (How does that turn out, by the way?) March was also the month that your student government journey began. Ms. Stone asked you to join Core Council in place of the social media coordinator, and I think it is safe to say that it really saved your high school career. Student government has made me into someone I never thought I’d be, but I enjoy being for every second. It’s crazy to think that in only a span of 10 months, student government has become your entire life.. like, it’s literally what you live for. Cookies were handed out and smiles were exchanged in your campaign, as march was filled with your very first leadership committees and initial Core Council meetings as well. (Honorable mentions: the Panic! at the Disco concert with Destiny–this was the second time you had seen them–and DRIVING ACROSS THE STATE BY YOURSELF OMG HOLLY WHAT WHERE YOU THINKNING?!! But really, spring break consisted of driving on the freeway by myself for the first time ever for 5 hours to see Grammy and Grandude in Fossil for a week. It was a wild trip that I think I learned a lot about myself in, and being alone with myself as well.)

By April, you had lost your election with Cam for class president, but it didn’t end your student government career or stop you from continuing on (obviously). Looking back on it, April was sort of a trivial month, with no real huge events in it, but smaller ones. Like running your first ever blood drive! (Little did you know that in this year you would run two more!) You also got into photography more, even with Grammy’s shitty old DSLR, you found out that you could potentially have talent in this, and people told you that you did.This new self confidence sparked a whole potencial career path and jump started your creativity again, as you were beginning to leave web design and computer science major ideas behind (spoiler: coding is easy, hosting websites is not, and the inner workings of the internet is too complicated). 

May was the beginning to a great summer, and just a taste of the fun that was to come. School nights were spent sitting by campfires with new friends in their backyards, tailgating at high school baseball games, and traveling to new outdoor adventures. You even saw blackbear for the second time at his own show, which was beyond amazing. Digital Druglord is one of your favorite albums of all time, and the performance did not disappoint (unlike cybersex, his newest album). 

June was the end of sophomore year, with a lot of bittersweetness, but an overall good ending. Somehow you made it through without failing chemistry and still being in NHS. You probably wouldn’t have though if it wasn’t for your high school counselor, Robbie, you owe him a lot. You got to help with prom and see the entire committee’s work come to fruiting on that night, and you were already thinkning of ways to make yours better for the next year. And of course, YOU GOT A JOB!! You got an interview with Jamba Juice sometime in March maybe, but they asked you to come in again in June and Nikki hired you on the spot. The summer was off on a good foot with a job at a juice bar. 

July was filled with independent Oregon adventures with you and your friends who could both drive! Having this new found sense o adult-ness and freedom opened many doors. In between shifts at Jamba, you and Elora drove to Newport in search of a great beach day (which was found), you, Lilli, Payton, Elora, and Destiny wandered down to Irish Bend to swim in the sun, and you and Adelaide traveled to the cabin and Sahalie Falls while capturing pretty cool pictures. July was the epitome of a 16 year old Oregonian’s summer. Your second blood drive in the summer went well too, and you even made 50 bucks from it! And of course, there was summer camp at WaFaRa again. This camp seemed to go on forever, and it was here that you realized your time for being a camper was probably over, and it was time to begin to lead-which you still have yet to do so hurry up Holly. This camp, as always, pushed your limits a little more and more each day. You go karted, did a roped course 100 feet in the air, and danced your butt off at club. After camp you went for a trip to Fossil for the second time this year, and saw the long awaited Painted Hills, which you will have to go back to one day. 

August was a summer winding down. The fair was an obligatory local teenager event, which turned out to be mediocre (shocking, I know), but made for some cute instagrams. You played glow in the dark capture the flag with Adelaide and friends, spray painted CHS’s rock with your new core council, and YOU GOT BANGS!! After contemplating many times, you just finally did it and said screw it. And they even turned out good! Oh, and the whole solar eclipse thing happened too. 

September was a peppy school spirited month, kicking off the 2017-2018 year with a spirit shirt you designed, home football games, deadly APUSH notes, homecoming week, and watching volleyball from the sidelines for the first time ever. (Turns out photographing your friends playing a sport they genuinely love is better than playing the sport as well, only pretending to love it.) Oh yeah, for yearbook, they gave you a kick ass camera that is absolutely amazing and finally lets you flex some photography skills and learn new stuff! And of course, all throughout this you were still desperately in love with C. 

October had tons of photoshoots and it was your month to thrive, libra! I think it was by now that you were seeing Dr. S and had a regular regime of prescriptions, which even though your mom was terrified of you taking three antidepressants and two mood stabilizers, it seemed to be working. You and Lilli planned a last minute concert trip in early October to see The Weeknd, and even though you were in the nosebleeds, a concert is a concert and it was a great experience. You and Adelaide had a fall beach trip this month, and you also did a stunning photoshoot with Kiara, Alyssa, and Alba which is still one of your favorites of all time. You went on many Shari’s dates with megan as well, and your new friendship began to grow here. And of course, you had your 17th birthday then too! Your party at the farm was stressful and less than eventful, but pretty ok. And at the end of October, you got what I am typing on now! A new Macbook, which was literally a dream come true thanks to your Nanna. 

November was the month of tournaments! First, dodgeball, then ping pong. Ping Pong basically consumed your whole life in November, even though you knew nothing about the sport. But in November, you also got to go to Seaside with Core Council for the OASC Leadership Conference! It was really a blast and a great bonding experience that was well worth it. There was also your third blood drive in November, which went moderately okay. 

And finally…, December. Now. You Christmas shopped your heart out and spent your paycheck on everyone else, but it was well worth it. As I am now writing this and reflecting on this year, I feel happy about it, really. This year kind of whizzed by, but what year doesn’t? You planned Winter Formal this month, finally got your school schedule together and dropped APUSH, laughed at Festivus and at Christmas Eve dinner with heidi, and enjoyed Christmas day with all three families (Dad, Mom, Wooley’s + etc.) 

Overall this year, you enjoyed a ton of music, watched a lot of movies (50 shades II, Dunkirk, Get Out, Baby Driver, Guardians of the Galaxy I and II, American Assassin, Cars 3, The Disaster Artist, Ladybird), and read quite a few books (The Book Thief, I’ll Give You the Sun, Milk and Honey, The Sun and Her Flowers,The Girls). So here’s to another year, another illusion of starting over. Here’s to you, future me. 

Love, past me of December 28th 2017