#girl im not even muslim it makes me so mad seeing people be like “how can you believe in this religion!!” to women

[candyn-gutz]

it's brain aneurysm inducing seeing how much people are misinformed about islam. by the way.

[emulation-0]

i need to move on but im still so angry about yesterday. i told her exactly why i was mad. i told her if she used her voice to advocate a little, if she even tried to be publicly pro palestinian instead of saying she 'supports the cause' without the balls to even say what the cause IS, i wouldnt be mad. because she never talked about it, never did ANYTHING, and then promised she would protest and then made the excuse that school mattered more to her. EVEN THOUGH NOTHING WAS HAPPENING ON THAT DAY AND WE ALL KNEW IT. publicly advocating isnt the ask of the century. its so simple. im not asking her to go out and shoot up city hall or whatever the fuck ??? im asking her to do the simplest thing

and she kept making excuses like im scared to face other peoples judgement and i reassured her even when i didnt have to how this is the right thing to do and you shouldnt stay silent. i coukdve been rude about it but i wasnt. i couldve been the big scary radical brown muslim girl but i was nice when i didnt fucking have to be.

all this when she initiated the conversation by apologizing for lying to me that she would go to the protest, and that she would accept if i yelled at her or gave her the silent treatment. she wanted me to vent out my anger. she said she wanted me to hurt her feelings. so i fucking vented out my anger and i couldve been mean about it but i wasnt. and then she left me on read when i told her how what she did hurt me and how she can fix it.

and then the next day this bitch avoids me ALL DAY. ignores me. treats me like im the one in the wrong. so i sucked up my damn pride and told her im sorry for being rude, being mad, telling you what you should do and she has the AUDACITY, the ENTITLEMENT, to say she doesnt want a 'surface level promise' and an apology just for the purpose of befriending me, and she wants an apology where j realized my mistake. AS IF SHE DIDNT APOLOGIZE IN THE FIRST PLACE FOR MY FORGIVENESS AND NOT BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR.

but i decided to be the bigger person. i shouldnt have but i fucking did. and i sucked it up. and then she ignores me FOR A FUCKING HOUR and has the audacity to then tell me. even though i am super upset i decide to forgive you. AS IF SHES DOING ME A FUCKING FAVOR? WHAT HAPPENED TO 'if you yell at me or give me the silent treatment, i will accept it. i want you to vent out your anger so you can feel free internally. i want you to hurt my feelings.'

and i knew she wasnt the type of person i wanted to be friends with for a very long while. always hypocritical, stubborn, never wants to get out of her comfort zone, never speaks up about anything and shuts down whenever i try to educate her, backbites about others and then says she hates backbiters, complains about toxic desis while she emulates those behaviors? but she didnt give me a reason to cut her off so i figured ill just wait until i never have to see her face again

why have friends if you never want them to challenge your beliefs. why have friends if you never want to grow as a person. why have discussions if you want to sit in the same bubble you always have, clinging to your ignorant and comfortable life because you dont want anything else? GO FUCK YOURSELF. FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID 'I DECIDE TO FORGIVE YOU'. SHOVE ALL YOUR BULLSHIT UP YOUR ASS. SHOVE IT SO FAR THAT YOULL NEVER REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WALK. HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE. HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING ENTITLED AND PRIVILEGED. GENUINELY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART KILL YOURSELF

[jmblyajones]

SkamAustin: High Key, Oprah & Uninhibited

High Key

1. Next thing we know Jo is going to start selling Flat Tummy Tea with her many followers! She should be featured on Cupcake Wars!!

2. Grace deleting Donald’s messages does nothing. If she really wanted him gone she’s block his number! SIDELINING: he called her beautiful! what is Donald doing to me!... I mean Grace 😳😰

Oprah

1. Honestly I am kind of surprised these girls still want to officially dance together

2. Abby got me fucked up! All that space in the hallway and she can’t even walk straight, girl bye. I’m so glad Zoya spoke up (even though that’s her personality) bc some people brush it off. (was there a clip of the Kittens getting busted or was this bts). Honestly when Zoya was talking about the Kittens being put in their place I thought she was being sarcastic, like playing off of when Grace was telling her to calm down. Then I realized she was serious and I just and to laugh. I’m down with these girls taking the spring showcase spot!

(THEORY: I think there is going to be a big ass horrible rumor about Zoya related to her being Muslim because of this trolling going on between Zoya and Abby + a huge ass fight like the one in s1)

3. I really thought Grace was going to get caught dancing again! Hoping Skam would make that a thing lol but maybe her dancing is forshadowing for something else.

4. The next thing we see is Kelsey running up and down stairs.... I see she loves to be in control and on top of things controlling narratives etc. I see her POV or storyline going very dark (I’m going to keep saying it every time I see a hint of this with her). THEORY: I feel like she is/is going to have an eating disorder. Her main goal has been wanting to be with the Kittens. Maybe she feels pressured to be thin etc.

5. IM EXCITED FOR FRIDAY! I’m feeling a 5+ minute clip coming on!

6. See I would be here for Zoya calling Megan out (so so brutally if I might add 💀) if she kept doing that every time Kelsey mentions Daniel. But ngl it was needed, homegirl needs to move tf on. Was Megan really trying to cry?? Like really, HAHA yikes.

7. Lmao Kelsey was sweet trying to bring up the football guys but we all knew she was going for Daniel. Grace was NOT here for it 😂😂! How sad is it that no one can talk about anything other than boys. Or idk why they made it seem like that and jo talking about her cat.. how fucking random! 🤣

Uninhibited

1. Poonam is not my favorite. I’ve made that known. I wonder if Grace offered a spot for her out of pitty

2. I just have to laugh at the fact that Daniel just assumes things were cool when he brushed her off Saturday tf (hate to say him pulling her in the closet was cute af smh)

3. I have to say the only thing so far that kind of annoys me about Grace’s character is how she won’t just GET TO THE POINT! She is very passive aggressive. She gets mad at him about the fundraiser and starts talking about needy people when we all know including Grace on why she’s really mad... sis 🤦🏾‍♀️.

4. And I have to laugh again bc Donald’s ass is talking about a date and he is for real clueless. He went along with her preachy, high and mighty act bc he knows that’s how she’s been since day 1. He didn’t get the hint until she actually told him, DEAD.

5. Why didn’t Daniel just tell Grace what was good with the brother while they were in the closet? They were in private?...

6. Grace has a right to be upset and I really thought maybe she was going to tear up and walk out not him. Didn’t really feel like that was his moment. HOWEVER going from his perspective I can see why he was upset. He spent so much (and I mean A LOT) time trying to go out with Grace and the time they spent together he was trying to show her that he isn’t what she thinks he is, like a rich asshole who only cares about himself and notches on his belt.

[kendrixtermina]

Disclaimer For Potential Partners (f/m/x)

Writing this down as much to gather my thoughts and go into this with clear priorities as for possible future reference. 

My mother always told me that if you wanted everyone to like you, you’d have to be a 50 dollar bill. I have come to accept that I’m more like licorice. Some people aren’t gonna like me but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t others who would appreciate me. 

I’d rather you run away screaming NOW than in three years when we’re both invested so Let’s get all this out of the way:

I’m bisexual. Yes, I’ve dated dudes in the past. I’ve had a brief online flirt with an agender person and do think androgynous ppl are hot which I suppose would make me pan in some ppl’s books, at this point the choice in label is purely aesthetic. I’m looking for a female partner right now because I’ve always had a slight preference for girls anyways but a sufficiently compatible non-female would not be refused. 

Because ppl have gotten this wrong in the past: Preference is about how likely you are to notice that someone is hot in the first place like in the early stages. It doesn’t mean my attachment to those dudes was any less “real” (or the other way around!) I just flat out don’t care whats in your pants there are other things to be picky about

From since I was young, the message I got from music, books etc is that it’s pretty bad to say “I love you” unless you truly mean it. So I don’t say “I love you” until I’m 100% sure I can do that it good conscience. It seems that it takes me a bit longer to be sure than most people, but it’s not like I’ve conducted statistics on this

I’m not vegan/vegetarian and I’m never going to be vegan/vegetarian

I’m not a pet person 

I’m not a sporty person and I’m never going to be a sporty person

Go through my stuff, spy on me in any way or ask me to tell you where I am at all times and its over

I’m an antiprohibitionist and don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with taking recreational substances. Conversely, I’m not interested in that sort of thing as a full-on lifestyle either. 

I try to keep an open mind and try everything once but im probably not gonna reorganize my life around new age woo-woo. 

So far my folks have liked most my partners, but if our social circles don’t get along I’m comfortable with leaving them separate. 

I believe in judging people as individuals first. I don’t wanna hear no paranoid shit about “the muslims” or other stereotypical carricatures but if you’re gonna be “europeans that europeans this” as if im not in the room its not gonna work. 

Don’t be fooled by the foreign-sounding surname im a potato through and through. No exotic fanservice to be had here. 

Barring unforseen dictatorships, I don’t want to move out of Europe. I like it here. Its full of frustrating dumbasses but so is the rest of the world.  Yay for cheese and consumer protection laws! I would consider moving closer to the shore though. 

It’s fine if you don’t speak German but you should not hate or dislike it.  English is a plus because me, my friends and my family are into internet culture

I haven’t spoken to my father in five years. No, you’re not going to patch this up. You don’t have to ignore him too if you’re not comfortable but you’ll have to respect my choice instead of playing family therapist or throwing platitudes about forgiveness at me. 

Im not counting and it depends on your definition but Ive fucked at least 15-20 people, which according to statistics is above average? Always used rubber unless it was long-term and exclusive tho. That might bother some ppl. 

That said it has been my conclusion that fucking does nothing that a beer can’t do and that the real quality stuff is what you could already do as a grade schooler when you still thought of all the grownup stuff as mystical. Having ice cream together, exploring new places, having contemplative conversations in the rain, telling each other your fantasies? That’s The Stuff. 

Hence while I wouldn’t turn down some fuckage along the way what im looking for at this point is someone to share life and grow old with, like there doesn’t need to be the expectation of further strings but the end goal RN is to find One That Sparks Joy(TM) that will get precedence

I’m not big on material gifts or the ritual part of dating if thats important to you I might not be the ideal candidate, but if its not thats probably good for your wallet

I’m a strong introvert. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to anyone other than my boss or maybe texting my relatives. If you’re very introverted or work alot this might be an advantage. Of course if I love you I will try my best to match up to your attention needs but if you need your partner to text you 15 times every day to feel good I might just not be your cup of tea

That doesn’t mean im not interested in going on or doing new experiences. I very much hope to do that together with you just not 5 days a week - if you can’t give new things wholehearted tries things might get uncomfortable

I like spicy food and all sort of asian cousine, but if you can’t stand the sight of cheese, asparagus and sausage it’s not gonna work either. I can obviously put less chili in your portion. 

I tend to talk fast and I find it hard to stop it even if I try, if that bothers you look elsewhere

I cannot stand forced optimism OR over-the top misanthropy or snobbishness. I will gush about things, but I like my dark edgy content and I stand by it. It is an advantage if you like talking about art. If you don’t like morbid humor that might be a problem

No diet talk

No perfectionism

No passive aggressive ppl or ppl that are uncomfortable with direct confrontation. That won’t work, we’d just set each other off even without meaning to and it would just be sad. If Im doing something wrong don’t expect me to notice by magic, tell me to my face so I can fix it. Don’t be hostile out of nowhere and don’t beat around the bush. 

im not religious or spiritual. I don’t mind if you are but if you want to have kids and bring them up strongly-immersed in some Abrahamic faith im not sure if this is the right adress

No anti-intellectualism (no snobbery, elitism or smartassery either - as a wise pig once said, “Knowledge is a horizon to strive for, not a prize to hold in your hand” It begins with realizing what you don’t know)

Indifferent about monogamy, but I wouldn’t say that I’m the sort of person who needs non-monogamy either.  If you want to we can do it (write me out some list of where you draw the lines so there’s no misunderstandings) but if you don’t it’s no biggie. I don’t care if you fuck 10 other people - for me, respect, honor and loyalty are to do with other things, like, don’t make fun of me and don’t expect me to change because one (1) person said I’m weird or whatever.

Don’t give me diseases tho. I’ll take precautions to extend the same courtesy to you.  

Potential character flaws: I can be a tad sensitive, disorganized and defensive sometimes, not gonna sugarcoat it. I have no filter and curse like a sailor. Also I have zero social skills and sometimes I come across as either angry or unemotional when its really the opposite. I find that just as confusing and contradictory as that sounds, I have like zero sense of how I come off. I try to be aware of all of these and do right to everyone to the best of my ability but if you’re sensitive about any of these point someone else might be a better fit 

2 kids max. I’m not sure I’ll have ANY at this point, and most certainly not in the next 5 years. IF we decide to have some later I volunteer to carry them though, I probably have good genes, my mom popped out 4 babies in 6 years with nary a complication. Besides I’d rather it was me dealing with the gross pregnancy stuff than someone I love

My favorite bedroom stuff is fingers-in-front-cavity and butt stuff. Mild sleepsex fetish but nothing super pronounced. What I don’t like or just am not very good at is top/bottom play. 

So far most my partners have had somewhat stronger sex drive than me but Id argue that I very much have one and ive never refused unless I was in physical pain, severely sleep-deprived or working on some important work-related thing that was due the next day. 

It’s important - and science backs me up on this - that you can freely talk to each other in n open, natural and relaxed manner

If you think im weird just do us both the favor and stay away don’t come at me with the attitude that you’re gonna mold me to your desires - even just writing this comes off kinda touchy but im saying this because some people out there really don’t get it. Like my natural tendency is to be open, courious and realistic,  but some people see that as free real estate and then it falls to me to be the reasonable one and End The Madness and im tired of that.

Like I want to be able to give love and pour out all my inner romantic shit without having to be afraid of being fucked over I want to be able to trust you with my inner harley quinn as well as my inner phantom of the opera 

UGH that sounded a bit tryhard didn’t it? But its the best description i could come up with

Must remember to translate this into mordor speak later

[apptg554]

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[bingeeatingihatefoodruinedmylife]

I wanna talk about the emptiness inside me that I tired to swallow, the black hole that started my downfall into the pits of eating and mood disorders.

1- My dad isn’t my father.

2-I don’t know if god exists.

These are the two things that are the bane of all the shit in my life.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my mom and I and my sister lived with my grandparents and my messed up uncle. We were dirt poor (now we’re just poor thank god lol) so my childhood was sad mostly with an absent father who would show up once every many months to abuse me emotionally and give me abandonment issues. I’m sad to say I will never know what it’s like to have a father. He is trying to make it up to me now but only mildly. But I’m 22. His presence and support were needed when I was little and my teachers were telling him that I was very bright and that I should go to a better school, or when people told him I am a great artist and that he should buy me art supplies to hone my skills. He never even got me A4 papers. Now I’m burned out and bitter. I know I had insane potential but he only ever gave me issues and made my life more difficult that surviving was more important that any imaginary “potential”. And now I see people who were not as half as good as I was and they got the support and attention of their parents and have got far in life. My mother was a good parent growing up but the poor woman could not be blamed for not signing me up in fancy schools or drawing classes or whatnot because she was too busy being a single parent of two children working all sorts of jobs because the alimony is worth 250 dollars. What a joke. I’m broke now and I got through 250 in a week if I’m careful. What man would let his children go through poverty when he’s very wealthy. I love him and I understand that he has his issues to but I will never forgive him for what I had to go through. At 15 no one wanted me thats when my ED started. My mom was working in another city and she didn’t want me to live with her anymore. She send me back to my grandparents house where my uncle pulled a butchers knife on me. Who pulls a butchers knife on a 15 year old child ? My aunt instead of defending me gave me a talking to and told me to not tell my mom. I couldn’t believe my ears but I still didn’t tell my mom. Then I moved in with that aunt because I couldn’t stay in that house. But because my mother had body shamed me so much ( I was going through puberty and started to grow the tiniest little boobs and the tiniest little hips) and my other aunt who was pregnant the year before and had to also live with my grandmother as well as her husband and children would shame for whatever I ate. Soon her children followed suit. I was the tiniest boniest little thing but she shamed me nonetheless because food costs money I guess. At that time the only thing I snacked on were apples because I loved them so much and we again we were poor so we didn’t have delicious snacks lying around so apples were the only sweet thing there. How much were 1-3 apples a day gonna cost you ? Cheap yellow apples.. I could never do that to a 13 year old or anyone for that matter .

Does god exist ?

Are you there ?

Do you see me ?

Why am I here ?

Am I doing good ?

Am I not doing good ?

What’s the point of it all ?

If you’re god and you control everything did I do something to you to offend you ? Cause my life feels like a maze and I’m a rat and the maze is also a wheel and I’m just running but I’m still in my place. Im not even moving in the maze. If you wrote my life why isn’t it making any lyrical sense ?

Can you talk to me ?

Can you lend me a hand ?

Because I haven’t felt like the main character in my life for four years now… that’s a lot for someone to not fell like the MC in their OWN life.

So I was raised Muslim and questioning the existence of god in the Muslim community is a big no no. When I was a kid at least I knew for was there and if someone bullied me or did me wrong they were gonna get what’s coming for them sooner or later. But people who have wronged me so badly are thriving so what if this is it ? Also all the injustice in the world the racism sexism sex trafficking slavery that still exists countries that bully other counties and leaders that sell their own people. Sadly third world countries are enough to make you doubt gods existence. I just don’t want to be duped. Also what is up with the homophobia ? Religion to me seems like a big pretext for sick people to beat kill rape others. And this whole holier than thou attitude religious people have is such a peeve. So god, are you there ? Do you love me ? Or are you mad that my faith is weak and this depression and eating disorders are your way of getting back at me ? Because which are you ? Are you living and merciful ? Or are you scary and dishonoring sub-doing ? Because if someone told me they love me and were kind to me but at the same time messed my life behind the scenes and when I confronted them they said oh I’m punishing you because I live you and I want you to get closer to me I would just call them toxic and be like why the f ??? I’m not gonna lie the idea of being an atheist is so tempting but my brain can’t Handle the possibility of a god not existing because whenever I’m in trouble I go inwards and I talk to him god allah the universe u know I just know someone is listening and you wanna tell me it’s just me talking to myself ? Ouch And what is up with everyone assigning god the male gender ? That’s some sexist stuff right there. Also aren’t divinities supposed to transcend the concept of gender and genitalia ?? The religious inside me is freaking out right now over everything I wrote and I’m scared god would strike me or something over what I’m saying but I’m also tempted by the possibility of god just up there like good girl don’t trust what those misogynistic men have twisted religion into. Good on you for using the brain I GAVE you ! And he’s be like of course I love you I love the women I live the in between I love the gays I made you ! Of course I love you even the most broken ones are so beautiful to me. So If you were real how do I not make you mad at me cause I don’t want to piss off the all encompassing all knowing obviously do you see gif how so much of religion is fear. I don’t get it. So how do I do it without going crazy ? Also I’d you didn’t know us Muslims aren’t a allowed to leave the religion then go back etc like I see a lot of white people try everything out there and it’s just like isn’t that what we should do not be raised in a certain religious but like sample everything then decide based on how we are like some exchange program or as simple as a buzzfeed quiz. Because I didn’t choose this so It’s not an informed decision. Wondering if god exists probably stems from my fear of dying. Like everyone on this planet I don’t know when or where that’ll be so I have some unexplained anxieties. So I wonder what’s gonna happen after I bite the dust. It’s like sitting in the waiting room of a dentist you’re scared shitless you see people go in and you try to distract yourself you read some magazines or mess around in your phone etc. You know you avoided the call to the dentists office as much as you could but it was inevitable. Idk what I’m saying. Anyways so I’m sad because I’m unfocused in life school career like the driven overachieved millionaires Elon musks Angelina Jolies and Oprah’s out there so I’m not successful but when I try to focus I can’t because I’m reminded it’s only a few years and blinks until it’s my turn to go into the dentist office so what’s the point and a big majority of my life had been shot so far so..

[captaindoubled]

Long ass post but I’m in mobile so forgive me: Hella Black Panther spoilers below

It’s been long enough I think so Black Panther Hot Take (tm) that i haven’t seen yet (direct me to someone’s posts/article if they are on the same track) :

It was about terrorism. Or, more the making of terrorists. Sure they had criminals and thieves with Klaue (or however Becky Sue white way they spelled it) but Erik was basically Wakanda’s first terrorist.

The language they used to describe his father was very much in line with they way folks describe terrorists, being “radicalized”. It’s always used in news to mean “when they they turned crazy” when it’s always been “when the straw finally broke and they demand change by any means, even violent ones”

Black Panther didn’t treat terrorist as faceless bad guys to pop off like in other movies and something they “””tried””” to do a bit in the other marvel movies to an extent but failed. Erik was a terrorist with a face. Erik was family. He was rightfully part of that community, Wakandan royalty really (the only way he could be closer to new King T’Challa was to be his brother but that woulda been corny) and through isolation and loss funneled his hurt into anger into violence. Sure he hated Wakanda for what it did (or didn’t do) to help black people around the world but he deep down hated what it did to him. He was left an orphan without guidance. Many terrorist learn what they do from “””legitimate””” state militaries, and so did Erik. Old Tolkien White even seemed slightly proud when he announced that Erik was “one of there” as far as a military person and the skills they trained into him. Being in the military only radicalized him more, like many other terrorist.

People were hot brink mad over “Killmonger was right” because Nakia was right and they felt it ignored her and i get that buuuut, I’ll throw in that Nakia would have never been listened to, even with T’Challa head over foot for her, without Erik. He was Wakanda’s mistake. Their near fatal flaw. It took one person, first his dad, then him, to break Wakanda down to the ground. Poor oppressed people around the world are sad to look at sure, but by Wakanda isolationist principles, they are not their problem and so they only have to worry about their own country (America first anyone??) They were fine with the rest of the world thinking it was a dirty dust bowl because it kept them safe. But all it took was for one person to know about Wakanda, it’s wealth and it’s ability to help the rest of the black people they just let, suffer by hands of the rest of the world and people within Africa.

Nakia was radicalized in her own way because she just did not live in Wakanda the same way people just give their shit away and live on nothing and devote their entire life, body and soul to helping. They are helping people but Nakia was putting herself in unbelievable danger to fight the entire world alone and that’s not good for her. But because she lived in Wakanda, her actions were on aid because she had the means.

Erik had nothin, was shooting hoops in a milk crate and the higher he climbed, the harder it was for anyone bring him back down.

All it took for T’Chaka to decide that Erik wasn’t worthy was for him to be born outside of Wakanda. Isolation is a major contributor to people becoming terrorist. And yes, even white boy terrorist as awful as their are, people pray on their isolation. First generation, second gen, American born immigrants deal with the isolation of their family original homes as well as isolation and oppression from their communities and turn to people that promise that the people that hurt them will pay.

I saw a post a day or so back criticizing the idea that Erik was a product of toxic masculinity and I’d have to agree and disagree with them. When you see just looking at Erik as a dude, sure, that’s not all enough to say the reason he’s the way he is was just toxic masculinity, but when you look at him as a terrorist then yes! He’s absolutely the product of toxic masculinity.

Just breaking it down in girl/boy binary, girls tend to talk through their problems (which can leads to rumination [[which is probably the word lots of folks are looking for when they critique “”tumblr’s”” anti recovery culture]] which is bad and prevents recovery but gives them a chance to vent out some stress) or they internalize which leads them to just hurt themselves (Nakia putting her self in straight danger on the regular to help people [[The fact that T’Challa made her the head of the Wakanda outreach center basically in my opinion will save her life because she’d end up dead at a young age in the way she was going]])

While dudes external, which everyone knows, but also they internalize as well, which starts the whole thing in the first place. Toxic masculinity says don’t reach out for help, or talk to anyone and internet conversations that are basically anonymous give them a place to vent without feeling judged and that’s where a lot of radicalization happens now a days. Erik didn’t talk to nor really trust anyone with his plans and even at the end, he was still in so much pain that and anger and fear to do better or that it could be better, he decided to die instead.

But my biggest biggest support for the idea that it was about terrorism was M’Kabi. He was, as the movie progressed, being radicalized into being a terrorist. All he needed was for someone, anyone, to give him some justice for what was done to him (again framed around the criminal Klawfoot and what he did to Wakanda but really, what he did to my family). M’Kabi wasn’t so far gone because he had people that loved him, and he still loved Wakanda and so he was able to stand down, and even with the people not liking his character I found him just as sympathetic as Erik or another other character because he was hurting, and redirected his energy into someone he thought would change things. (Why we have trump tbh. So many Bernie voters when he lost the primary switched to Trump because they wanted changed, stupid but I understand).

Hell, even if Civil War hadn’t intended it, they got half right the plot line that set up for Black Panther with him and the dude that set in motion the movie ( like I said earlier with MCU tried but failed). He understood WHY he did it, they framed his conversation in a weird way, but I think that showed before he was going to be able to understand Erik in Black Panther because that’s old dude was another terrorist, Erik this time was just very close to home and family.

Before the NSA or FBI come knocking st my door, I’m writing this last part as a analysis of Black Panther in comparison to the US, leave me be please:

The US and other “first world counties” are just going to have more terrorist, either home grown ones are from abroad because they have the means to fix the root cause of problems, but choose not to. And that’s way creates terrorist. Like, even if they brought Erik to Wakanda, what if Nakia never came back to Wakanda and had a child outside of the country, what would happen to her child? What about another Wakandan? The problem was Wakanda’s isolation, not who the person was. The problem was the have the means as ability to help all of Africa for one, but chose not to for their own protection. People that either need help in the way of resources, mental health care, or just respect and assurance that they have the right to exist and not have these ideal capitalist life styles shoved in their face and are failures when they can’t change it. (America creates a shit ton of white cishet male terrorist, they know it, they just redirect their anger to brown and black and lgbt folk and disabled folk and Jewish or Muslim folk in hopes their guns won’t turn back in them. They tell white cishet men that they see infallibly right and all they have to do is achieve this goal post in life to also be the masters of the universe but even they are subjected to goal post moving or literally no ball to get into the goal and they are told as men that it’s because they are failures and not a strategic plan to make more white terrorist to terrorize “other” into submission and do their dirty work of policing “others” for them without legal consequences. Basically how white people got doped as sharecroppers to not side with free blacks against the people who were oppressing them both! That’s why white terrorist groups don’t go anyway, and even with gun violence they should 2nd amendment, because they are a low key state sponsored milita)

Like, again, I get why people were pissed at “Killmonger was right” 1) because Nakia existed and 2) they just probably weren’t in on the joke lol 3) it feels weird to sympathize with a terrorist. But that was the point. And B Jordan acted his ass off to make Erik an unironiclly sympathetic villain. His last line when he died still brings me to tears because that’s such a unique African Slave Trade Dysphoria pain that other people don’t understand. (Which I will rant on that at the bottom because Im pissed at someone’s comment on it)

It is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard.

MLk, Jr quote on riots that in sure most folk know but I wanted it here in relation to Erik. He did what he knew and you cans abhor the violence but also you have to condemn the conditions that made him Killmonger.

Cause, like I understood Erik’s reasons, his actions were wrong and innocent people suffered. So he’s wrong in that way. But just like in movies and real life, you can sympathize and understand what brought people to those actions. It doesn’t make you wrong or weak or a bad person to want to change what caused a criminal to be a criminal. If anything, the vilifying and pathologizing of criminals prevents real reforms in society that could have prevented their crime. And we are all guilty as fuck of that. (And no, I’m not saying you have to be nice and forgiving and never be angry at criminals because they still did the crime [[most of the time, bias in the law make this hard to deal with sometimes]] but immediately distancing them from “normal people” makes it so the reason they are they way they are never get fixed. We all are the attack dogs against state reform and prision reform because we throw away criminals instead of fixing the world that made them because “I loved a hard life and I turned out fine, what’s their excuse”, different biology for one and modeling of how to deal with stress from family or peers but another rant for another day). But thats why I brought up white Boy terrorist, probably too much for anyone’s liking; there is an underlying reason to their actions and it isn’t just, toxic masculinity or them being entitled or mental illness or whatever other buzz word, but a country that mass produced them and trains them like dogs and sends them off on anyone they think is in their way of their goal. Republicans are always trying to do that by building a divide between Black Americans and Latinx (American or Immigrants) as a way to sick Black people on Latinx if that’s easy to swallow. They do the same with Asian Americans against Black and Latinx people. Give a crumb and say that person is why you don’t have a full cake, the cake they are fucking eating!

That’s how we get respectably politics because it keeps black people from uniting against the folks that are the ones disrespecting them and making black fight fight for scraps of respect. Or African shitting in AfAms or other way around or throw in some Afro Carribaians into the mix and you’ve got three groups pointing fingers at each other while someone robs them all blind

Like Erik may not be dealing with some of those intra group politics going on since his beef was with Wakanda and not the US but he learned how to hate like that, and learned how to external and divide and conquer from the best in the business at that, living in the US. So it’s still relevant on the creation of terrorist.

At the end, T’Challa made a speech that all nations should make, to commit to helping, really helping, because for him, one Killmonger was enough. He would have loved to welcome him into the family as a cousin and not an enemy.

So Dee’s Hot Fresh Take (Tm): Black Panther was about terrorism and what creates terrorist and I think that umbrella covers shit like toxic masculinity and isolationism and Trans Atlantic dysphoira and racial injustice and the like. Don’t gotta agree, all my sources are in my head because I’m on an adderall fuled typing fest on my phone but it’s solid enough. I like this interpretation anyway lol.

———————————

Side rant in Erik’s words, a Household name activist took offense to it (won’t say who they are because I’m not that messy) but suffice it to say, they said something along the lines of celebrating the slaves that made it snd made change and their resilience. Which, you know, dope, but it doesn’t work for Erik nor his story. And I think it takes away a big part of the strength of slaves who ended their lives or the lives of their children rather than suffer they way they did. There is a reason that many black people cant swim, we all know that! It’s because slave owners beat the fear of water into them and the tradition just kept up, more switching to prevent black peoples from enjoying the bounties of nature (and as more research on nature and mental health, a way of preventing black folk healing) but it was to stop slaves from trying to escape AND dying as a form of resistance. When hoteps say the Bible was used to oppression black people and it being the white man’s religion they are only like, part right, like 3% on the mark, because using the Bible, suicide was something punishable in the after life as well and so that prevented a lot of suicides. Abortions fucking crippled plantations sometimes because when the trading stopped, they needed more slaves but women were just not having children as a form of resistance. Death and life has always been a part of resistance and it’s so disengenous to ignore all the slaves that died for the freedom of others, or their faith said that the water would take them back home Igbo Landing Story). People in extreme conditions like they have to always be prepared to die because there lives are always on the line either way. If there Death is meaningful or a mother has to abort every child they have, consentual or not, it’s part of the resistance. And the trauma of it all. We still feel echos of the past in the present but we are so far removed from that very specific pain sometimes that it’s easy to focus on the ones that lived, the heroes, because it gives us hope that it will get better, or we can mobilize for folks that had their life stolen from them because they had more life to live but we sweep the ones that took their own life as if it was the cowards way when we never walked in their shows. And for the writers of black Panther to acknowledge them in the creation of a character like Erik makes me cry. I know when I was younger u tried to separate myself from slavery because it was painful and I heard the Igbo Landing in elementary school and it hurt me so badly I was the only person in my class just uncontrollably balling but I’m older and I respect those people, myth or real, so much. Tbh! In reference to what Erik said, and why slaves drowned themselves to go home, Erik wanted to be burred at sea to return home, to the dead land area, with his dad in their little apartment because Wakanda was nice but he’d never see it as home.

[ubelyptus]

soooooooooooo bb,,,...,.,,,strawberrry.

......I JUST FIND IT

  interestinggggggggg

how you Big mad cuz MY block game seeems 

skrong or summn

hanh???

oh.

well.

i never blockedt you 

on snapchat 

or whatsapp (you weren’t even muted),

yup, i still haven’t

but i didn’t have a properly working phone...

still......don’t

but either way you keep threatening to split on me 

like a weapon…fcking

manipulative as shit

it just seems to me that you just want to?

you never imprinted tho 

but she did 

so why should you?

i won’t ever, again, fight....

….with you.

my favorite accomplice

i wanted to learn with an open mind 

even after my phone died 

how to remain soft with you.  

even after being callled 

“old news" 

pffft

at least until

 i ‘m  eventually murdered by a cisgender man...

but

don’t fckn

pppppppop shit 

cuz like….. literally…..all i did was change my url.

shit, i Only blockedt you AFTER i saw you referencing gaslighting.

bc uhmm IIIIIIif that is about meeeeeeeeeeee 

ha!!!

 how fucking dare you.…..lyk....wuhh?

like when you said there is no difference between syn and alesia?????

HANH?

oh, but you think i blockedt you first bc i didn’t wanna get my feelings hurt?

….mhhhhhhh. ok.

seeems odd since you’re not liar 

right, eli????

but,,,,,so what’s this about the cozi password change? am i just shifting too rapidly between your and my reality???

bet.

no, i blocked you on things after THAT 

AND THAT WAS TODAY

oh, and didn’t your friend, my so-called “fighting buddy,” anan…

.just,,,,,fckn block me like i’m useless

trash

randomnly 

after all

i asked 

was that they 

not speak to me 

about you?

but YAAAAAAS  twas ONLY Me and simply Myself and just i 

who ain’t wanna get….hurt.

hanh?????

oh ,

obvi,

yeaaaaaaa

yeeeei

truuuu,

sooooo 

sssssorry,,,,but

calling me “old news” or saying i’m “old too” 

don’t forget your girl is 2 yrs older than you 

and then staying silent for these few days about changing passwords

that..... already did that, boo

at least i sent alesia third party emails thru the app, boo

she pushin 30 and can only talk you 

venuse....????. no....a 

talking and 

w a l k i ng tragedy

entyway don’t bring that up just to be loud and wrong about that too

you’re not always wrong tho, you know

you’d probably fuck up and slit my throat 

 powertripping

when i’m wrong about you

and you can only do that if you

 black and white 

me out 

to NEVER BE WRONG 

AND I DO 

ACTUALLLY HATE THAT ABOUT YOU!!!!! 

WHY CAN’T I EVER BE WRONG, ELI???? 

WHY????//

OH your emotions....? about your father that after 6 yrs you didn’t tell me about?

your reality? when you have a habit of projecting?

 and lowkey being dishonest 

to yourself first

 and then subsequently

 to me????

your time? when i’m mostly on yours?????

your efforts? like ripping up notes and telling me 

“my turn” to get fucked 

by you 

was over

when the only reason i was tiredt

was bc i crashed

too tiredt after explaining to You

that

  i‘m not even going to LET you play middleman

for a baby pushign 30????

oh. bet.

but since we’re being transparent:

here are receipts with timestamps:

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop-hop-hop-hop

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop+hop+bun

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop-hop-bunny

yea you must love dirty laundry

oh.

but that’s what i knew about you.

oh:

be yr own guest my love

i Knew you would ignore the “old news” message since that's literally when you started telling on yourself 

you do treat trans partners

 like side hoes, 

thasssa wholeBET 

and some change

 for you to create

cuz thassssssss 

how you feel about me fr fr

so that “like” is mine but

  i…..actually really Really love that you laughed tho.

bc i haven’t heard you fully belly laugh in a long time.

if ever iirh.

even after knowing you for 6+ years, 

your supposed “first friend “ in the DMV

the person i can trust my life with

the only

you’re my only...

 ,,,,,even after i spiraled 

and cut myself for the first time since middle school?

now my friends are fucking spotting you 

and talking to each other 

about you

oh, you didn’t know. 

but i got mehndi done today 

let a summer baby boy

love 

a cut up 

by me

body

 before noon

today 

thinking i’d see you and we could talk like,,,,

…..like real people do.

and you’d be distracted by the design and not zone in

 on the failed cuts

 on my wrist 

since i’m shit at not just repeatedly carving into 

white meat

 when i can only use a ceramic blade

i just didn’t WANT you to 

so i never “came home to [you]”

you said that on nov 4th/5th of last year

and

i’ve been looking up bpd all day

eventho i told you

  i don’t trust the internet 

sooooo you not telling me 

didn’t hel p

but it’snot at all your job to 

and i sitll

stilllstil stil stilllca’t see

....and i dind’t want you to see.

bc i’m not just a man.

i’m still femme

which you seem to love to forget

and still soft enough, i think.....

i hope…..or learning to be soft,,,,

where it won’t get me killed,,,,,

but where it still counts.

with…or without you.

either way i’m a man who loves you. a man whose phone died at 28% trying to get you to see that i was trying to be soft even after you called me

 “old news”

but,,,,,.....,,,compared to …..who?????? sh....oooo??????

your new girlfriend who is 1 or 2 years older than you?????

and can’t speak to me 

a man who is only barely out of 23???

and instead only whispers

 to you?????

bruh, she’s clearly not fond of me. 

and you’re not a liar , 

so don’t 

she had to tell you that she wasn’t the one putting out “aggy energy”

specifically

during yennayer which

i ruined

and im still sorru

but which means

she’s probably done it in your apartment on purpose already, boo

didn’t think of that, did you

lingustically.,,,,,nope.

oh, but there’s power in a whisper, darling.

i am just cardinal like you

i am air too.

  i should know 

bc i accidentally whistled....and,,,,,,

i only blockedt you so that you wouldn’t “hurt [your] own feelings”

 like you told anan you sometimes do.

sooooooooooooo yea... i

did it so you wouldn’t hurt you. 

as cardinal water/pisces moons 

are prone to do.

you can;t drain

and you can’t drown

 ain’t that how i affirmed you

i already hurt me 

when i dissociated 

and i’m STILL FUCKING sorry 

that there was blood that you had to see. 

i couldn’t stay in my body long enough to clean fast enough

but i still didn’t want you to hurt you bc of me.

like you did repeatedly

bc of bpd or bc of basically cishet or at least cis ~queer girls

or other partners 

like when you were with kat,

who’s still disgustingly attached to a messy white

and now a new black kid.....

or with shushoo.

and how you might with alesia.

no, correction: how you have with alesia. 

how you will continue to, if you’re not careful, with alesia.

you’re a lion facing a prince of a house kitten ,....,

.,, who is homeless.

do you feel good, big boss?

all i asked was for you to listen t

o how you were speaking to me 

on the phone 

at your place of work 

and when she’s there

possibly a place of worshiop

..... even after i told you 

that i was intentionally putting energy into Not fighting you

and you

  say you

"don’t wanna be a middle person" 

but you also….wanna cape for yet another fucking cis girl.

who isn’t even muslim this time. 

HOWtragic.

i couldn’t laugh

couldn’t ever laugh at sway

bc by whatever fortune if you do split or don’t 

 i still  love you

i love you too much

but in those moments after that phone call….

after my phone died…

and my body couldn’t move to charge it.

wouldn’t move….

and all i could do was cry during the adhan.

bc you’re tooo much like matt now

i wish i knew what it could feel like to

 hate someone 

who called you 

"OLD NEWS” 

compared to a bitch pushing 30 

youza WHOLE fuckn clown, dawg.

matt did this same shit

move me out for a new side bitch

yet anotehr cis

look at how cute trans love can be

oh

no

NO

no,

no

no

this is what you give me:

laughter.

BC what fucking luck.

BUT IT’S gotta be TROOF

  s ince you don’t lie?/?

shit I LAUGHED TOO:

it sounds like….

NEITHER OF US

KNEW WHAT COULD

HAVE BROUGHT US

HERE, ELI.

maybe you nursing poison in your own home

and telling me i’m making you feel unwelcomed

on a blog and not to my face did it

fuckingggggggggg. why’ald.

you think it’s too much sweat????? false. 

that apartment stayed cold.

too many tears?

 ok ok yea troof.

but too much love? forreal?

we?????

ooooop

hoooop!!!

oh, you speakin’ french now. our collective colonizers tongue in 20gayteeeeeeeen?????

CAN’T RELATE 

bc I’M TOOOOOO GAY

wow. we ruined it, fam???? fr fr?

nah, chosen fam.

you ruined us.

you ruined us over:

 a cis girl and

your own impatience

and your own anger.

and my slow brain and my slow body

//

i’m not sure she’d find you from maryland

if you dissociated bc your other semi

 but not 

girlfriend emotionally abused you

until people who didn’t know you were muslim

thought you were fucking drunk

and you fucking stilllllll 

work with her?????

why couldn’t you just wait until she found a new job???

ain’t she trying????

or izzzzzz she??????

hahhnh???

where was the damn rush?????

you’re like two goofy high schoool kids 

reaching for the quickest nuts every 6 hours

 like jesus fuck.

you’re irresponsible as shit telling me i’m a grown man making grown decisions and i see this 

?????

unREASONABLE, ELI.

this isn’t a situation of a kettle calling a pot black

 babe

bc i’m actually Black

and you’re not

but she’s black too.

what did i tell you:

"you datin’ two whole Niggas. if you fight me over her, you will lose either way.”

but instead you called me “obtuse”

SAT words for me

 but not for you…….what.,,,.,,,,,,,, fckn luck……..

what luck,,,,,that the one person who housed me consistently

and kept me alive

when i trusted no one

would call me "old news”

and let their cis girlfriend

 turn herself into your

personal "healing” …...

sibkid. \\\\

howTragic like all of CC’18

you know what happens when you slip and get sloppy and let a baby bitch be responsible for your healing?

she leaves. 

for a real bitch 

with microhealing abilities, 

GOOFY.

she worships a new goddess every friday?????

well, i know only of orixas 

and only of black power

 but from what i know of goddesses OFF of OUR continent…

soooon...

at least one of them WILL want a soul from her

just letting you know it might not have to be hers.

…..OH!

and when i chargedt and openedt my phone after days of wandering. ….the last messages from you are:

YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID “LEAVE [[[[MMMMMYYYYYYY]]]]]] KEYS”

like a fucking baby.

imagine that.

even to you, i’m still a whore.

out…the…bakc….dooor.

??????

i couldn’t even work a john when i wanted to

 if i was sad about you.

but imagine?????

  a cis-pixie woman older than you

letting you treat her like a child?????

then

imagine me feeling shamed into leaving

bc of pictures of your smiling face

after i cut myself and felt shame 

that

in your unwelcomed  to both me and you

BLOOD

 blood 

is what brings me back

 to life.

how.

fucking.

why’yald.

i blockedt you so that you didn’t lurk.

bc THat is what you do.

instead of speaking with me, 

you seem to have expected me

 to read your blog back 7 years.

and just know all of the fatherly things that trigger you.

like…even during the times when i was afraid of my own phone and laptop for 2 months bc of my sister, brother, and birth parents????

funny how i’m the youngest of us “grown folks” and yet still find that really 

FUCKING

immature.

of YOU

to do

you really never knew me, or did you…..??

you donated to me before you even knew me.

so i know your heart has parts made of gold.

but now you show off your crystals and your gold.~~~

yep.

here we are.

you’ve "only every seen [me] as a boy.”

ok. bet.

and unti this post:

i’ve hardly heard you refer to me as a man.

so:

ain’t you late?

ain’t you late, babe??

ain’t you late?

i’m a year younger than you.

which means if you grown

i musta BEEN a man too, boo.

but you’ll always be

 my favorite accomplice

 and always be my favorite friend too.

but you cannot think you can play me by calling me

 “old too” or “old news"

 for young fish who is basically femme trade

and thinking i won’t cut open a fool.

which coincidentally always happens to be me

she’s hardly out to anybody important and lying at work too.

i must be bigger fool.

bc you knew better and didn’t do better.

but i’m being immature.

  ok ...,.,,.,,

cute.

your pisces moon is keeping you from seeing clearly but that’s what young water seems…to do. to much light reflected; tho it is a fountain of youth.

she’s pushing 30 baby 

but true, you’re her boo.

yea, a childish boo.

you ever wonder why her playlist from you had more songs than ours did?

why she can never keep a man around for valentines day?

oh but don’t you love “patterns”, baby????

unless it’s her leaving shit around the apartment

or her triggering you

or her treating your dick like it’s foreign, 

even to you.

my gay ass was shookedt 

when you told me you voluntarily 

triggered yourself

 for her kitty too

but i AM 

a grown man

 who is “running” from….you

you think that statement is not…. dishonest??

you really think that statement is true???

—

i didn’t run. i just

needed space

and you afforded me none.

you couldn’’t afford it.

february is before march which is before april 

sooooooo it’s always a tight month ain’t it???????

oooooooh but you afforded her plenty.

she gets to take off her fucking pants while i try to figure out if i should move from a spot next to you….

on your fucking bed.

she took off her pants to climb near you before she could even say hi to 

nooonoo

ahh right

and THEN ME.

“Oh, you CAN stay”

that’s what She told me.

and you said nothing.

so i left….the room.

i never run.

you pushed me out with your captain save-a-cis silence.

it’s violence.

and

you’re still pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing 

until me…you know 

i, the "old news” 

just feels like he should just 

fucking fall 

onto the district streets

and she finds it

to her fucking fancy 

to fall

 into your lap

like a damn,,,,zel. 

distressedt.

with a roof over her head outside of your apartment too.

woooooooops!

yip, as she is probably prone to do.

her kind….isn’t new….boo.

her kind isn’t new to me

her kind isn’t new to you

you ever wonder why she feels so familiar to you?

she reminds Me of the girl who told you 

she could never marry you 

and is now trying to date someone just like you

so don’t be so unkind to me 

or to you 

or be so foolish

 as to believe i gave up on you

you gave up on me

and on top of that

you think i just...ran

ran….with what clothing?

the ones you packed up for me and left at the door 

that i was suppose to pick up 

and slide out the back….like a fucking whore?

you just tryna be

a cissie's bae

who stay clownin on trans folks now?

oooooooh issa bet, mo

. i mean.,,,.,,.mhhhh i guess?

—==—

but troooof, i don’t “need" anybody.

but i want you.

but you need her.

that’s how it work, don’t it?????

that’s why you risk job security every day.

and let her leave her panties on my clothes.

and let her tell me i "can stay" in …..A, not MY, spot next to you

in yo'bed?

what fucking fools. the two of you.

but “no one is forcing [me] to"

oh, baby you /are/ forcing me too

i look on your blog and then find out you’ve been feeling “unwelcome in [your] own home”

this whole fucking time

all the way since early november, innit?????

if i love you at all, 

what else am i to do?????????????

??????????????????????????/

know that you will self-destruct 

and just…wait for you to????????????????????

???????????????????????????????/

no

i didn’t run.

you just fucking pushed me.

and you’re still fucking pushing.

and you’ll keep pushing.

bc that is what you do.

embe…..@strawberreli 

se sá’m te konne nu’ou.

you like microblogging so much

so like it if you read this shit

[scottstiles]

clarz

replied to your post

“hi divvy! i know you are MAD right now, so don't answer this until you...”

thanks so much for answering this! tbh i love the fact that you're religious and that you clearly love it so much. i went to a very catholic college, so that kind of thoughtful and deep connection with religion and tradition is important to me, and i love seeing it in other people. it's an important part of who you are! and part of the reason i asked is because you mentioned disliking the performance thing in your initial post, and i really connect with that. when i was growing up, the church i went to was pretty plain and traditional (despite very liberal politics and interpretations of scripture.) most of the other people i knew who went to church were evangelical and/or southern baptist, and i always disliked that their churches had like, full rock bands at services, and poppy contemporary melodies to "hymns." i understand that they're trying to make church fun, but it always made me suspicious and felt disingenuous.                  i don't think religious services should be a chore, certainly, but i also don't think that they should be "fun" in that way. that's not the purpose of religion. i don't think religion should become more like entertainment or performance, because it's supposed to be a space that's completely different from the rest of the world. it makes it feel less holy to me. so i definitely relate to how you feel there. also, how did you end up feeling about the service in the moment? (and i'd love to hear about the ma'apilim sometime)                                            

SORRY I DIDN’T ANSWER THESE BEFORE CUZ I REALLY WANTED TO BUT PROCRASTINATION IS MY MIDDLE NAME (jk it’s tzviya but try saying that ten times fast. or just one time. slow.)

HERE WE GO:

1- i love finding other people who feel close to their religion, no matter what it is. i remember in teacher’s college i just naturally gravitated to the only catholic girls in my classes i guess simply because i enjoyed talking to them? we weren’t there learning to teach religion, but i’m always fascinated by what other people feel about it. i’ve found myself thinking on more than one occasion that i feel more comfortable with people who have that side to themselves, like me, rather than people who don’t interact/think about/believe in any of that kinda stuff. (im being purposefully vague because it’s a huge generalization, but nonetheless true-ish for me, i often find myself sharing much more common ground with palestinian muslims, for example, than a french canadian montrealer). i guess especially because religion is not something i consider a defining trait of mine, and im just in constant evolution with respect to that. judaism is so much more than just a belief in god or a practice of the rituals and commandments.

2- how fascinating to find someone in my age bracket who feels the same way about music in prayer. my problem has always been that i LOVE music, and its so personal and emotional that i DO see it fitting seamlessly with prayer but... it’s the setting that has always bothered me. it just never felt right for me in a synagogue. like you said, it’s just a different space. i don’t know about church and ‘making it fun’ but i definitely can imagine plenty of religions use music to draw in otherwise disinterested people who find prayer “boring” or pointless. music is awesome! i just wish people could feel the music in their soul as a separate entity from external music, like from an instrument. idk i guess i just really love singing XD and i wish it wasn’t always a performance or a competition of voices, because i think prayer should be personal. even if it’s between a community, its still voices connecting to each other. i’m reminded of Hannah’s prayer, in the book of Samuel (the prophet- his mother), she’s at the temple on one of the annual pilgrimages with her family and she’s depressed because she doesn’t have any children and her husband’s other wife just keeps popping out babies left and right. so she goes to be alone somewhere in the temple, and she’s weeping and praying to god for a child. Eli, the high priest, comes in and sees her shaking and moving her lips real fast so he goes, “hey, you shouldn’t be drinking in here” and she’s like “im not drunk, i’m praying”. so that’s the first place we read about a person actually praying, and not out loud. this was like a huge revelation to the priest cuz clearly he’d never seen that before, and now the tradition has become to pray like hannah. (as an aside, if u ever see the propaganda videos made by the nazis, they use footage of synagogues to show how loony tunes those jews are with their muttering and their rocking back and forth). cuz like, prayer is supposed to be out loud? ahaha anyway i forgot where i was going with this but... oh ya, okay, so prayer didn’t really exist (as we know it, in judaism- and therefore christianity/islam/western monotheism) until that point- it was all about the sacrifices. and the temple ritual was replete with music and instruments like the shofar, timbrels, lutes, blabla other ancient instruments. but since then, we’ve been meant to use our voices alone. so says tradition, i guess.

3- so i did go to services on yom kippur (kol nidre) but not at my shul. i went with my sister to the chabad house near my parents, and it was....not great. but it was compounded by a lot of factors- i got a wicked cold the day or two before, so my nose was running a marathon and i was coughing like a 90yr old with emphysema. i got my period that morning so i was on an extra steep emotional rollercoaster that i just somehow could barely control. so we sat on the other side of the mechitzah (the separation barrier between men and women), the rabbi/cantor stood at the head in the middle so we could all see, and we all prayed out loud, no hush on the women’s side or anything (pretty typical from what i remember of camp/school prayer services). but of course the tunes were not quite what i’m used to, and there was a bit of annoying stuff that just irks me as a perfectionist (like they use a lot of yiddish pronunciation of the hebrew words, injecting a bunch of oy oy oys and ahoyhoyhoys in random places, in fact i leaned over to my sister at one point and was like ‘did ned flanders write this nigun (tune)?’), but altogether i guess it was better than watching an orchestra perform the prayer? idk it was pretty bad, on an emotional level, but not in hindsight. im very good at ruining things for myself through sheer stubbornness. i must have embarrassed my sister just by existing next to her, poor girl, she really wanted me to like it. i’m glad it’s over, and hopefully by next year ill be back in nyc or some other city so i wont have to worry about it.

4- MA’APILIM!!!!! okay so this was my absolute favoritest thing as a kid and i can’t wait to describe it to you. one night in camp, every summer, the counselors and cits would wake us up at like 3am by barging into our cabins chanting (screaming, really) “MA’APILIM, MA’APILIM BEH-MASSAD, BEH-MASSAD. MATCHIL HALAYLA MATCHIL HALAYLA BEH-MASSAD, BEH-MASSAD.” which translates to : “ma’apilim at massad (the name of my camp) starts tonight.” i’m singing it in my head as i type XD. so they’d be screaming and we’d be tumbling bleary eyed out of bed to grab our socks and sweatshirts and run over to the flagpole (keep in mind i was 8 when i first experienced this, and we’ve had kids as young as 6 at camp). once we had all gathered in line with our bunkmates, the counselors and cits put on a little “skit”.

basically they acted like they were nazis and jews, and did a little skit of some basic bad holocaust stuff (don’t ask me to remember the exact details we’re talkin at least 20 years since i last did this) to scare the pants off of us. kids would always cry already at this point from the shouting. we’d all kinda follow into this “play” (sorry idk what else to call it), and marched over to the gym where we watched a fake hanging on the stage. they literally. hanged someone. in front of us. a fake noose, of course, duh, i remember my counselor showing it to me, but traumatizing to say the least (i still remember the name of the counselor they “hanged”- not sure this ever happened more than once but ill never forget it).

then we’d all hustle down to the waterfront, again “playing” the role of holocaust victims/survivors after these little “skits” had sort of put us in the headspace, and we play along, imagining we’d just experienced these things and were now running from it. it was terrifying and exhilarating as a small child, and an even more unbelievably emotional thrill ride as i got older and became pseudo-obsessed with holocaust lit and facts in general in my life (it never did go away but everything changes with age). ANYWAYS so down at the waterfront we got a speech from another counselor playing a member of the haganah (the main jewish defense force in palestine leading up to independence, which ben gurion later turned into the IDF). sidebar for a little history: in the 40s the yishuv (jewish agency) and the haganah began a mission called aliyah bet, “the second immigration,” an illegal smuggling operation to bring refugees from the holocaust into palestine under the noses of the british, since almost all countries in the world had barred their doors to jewish immigration from europe (a high level member of the canadian government is famously recorded as having answered, when asked how many jews they should let in, that “none is too many”). volunteer seamen from the US and canada and other countries crossed the ocean on cargo ships hastily refurbished to fit hundreds of people, picking up thousands of refugees in europe to smuggle them onto the beaches of haifa and tel aviv. paul newman has a lovely half nekid scene of this in the movie Exodus when he jumps off the ship in the middle of the night and swims up onto the beach- one of my fave movies ever and pretty much the story of aliyah bet (albeit with tremendous hollywood embellishment and only mild accuracy). these refugees who became illegal immigrants (caught or not) were known as “ma’apilim”- the root of the word is to “climb” or to “rise up”, and is found in the bible referring to the israelites who were still eager to enter the land even after the negative report of the spies.

okay so basically this was the idea. we were “playing” these illegal immigrants who had just escaped the holocaust, and were now facing another threat in the form of the british who were doing their best to keep them out of palestine. k so we’re down at the waterfront. all the kids get divided into small groups of about 10 or so, with one or two counselors at the helm to be our “haganah operatives” and guides to the end. what end, you say? so the camp is spread out into 2 areas, the main camp where the younger kids cabins were, and the dining hall and the gym and the waterfront, etc. then there’s a road in the middle of the camp, and beyond it a hill leading up to the senior cabins and some sports fields at the top. the goal was for each group to make it through camp to the top of the hill without getting caught by the “british,” played by the cits who were roaming around camp.

idk if i have to describe camp further for people who don’t know the concept, but basically we’re all in the middle of the damn woods with nothing around us for miles except the lake and the camps on the other side of it or down the road. ill never forget my first ma’apilim (tbh most of my description is from then, which is why its so fuzzy cuz these memories are 20+ years old), i was so lucky to get the tripper as our group leader (the tripper is the “nature dude” in camp, the survivalist ;). he immediately led us underneath the gym (which of course was just insane to my small mind... UNDER the gym??) to plan our route and give us instructions. we organized a roll call and signals, we practiced walking in a single file line silently and dropping to the ground on his signal. we smeared dirt on our faces for camo in the woods. it was *mason voice* intense. k so then as you can guess, we snuck our way up the hill through the woods. sometimes we’d encounter other groups, once in awhile i remember getting caught by a cit, and they’d take all or some of us to the “jail” on the basketball court” where we’d have to wait for a jailbreak (idk how that worked but it did, i remember it happening but not in any detail). a famous prison break that DID happen was at acre prison in 1947 when the irgun (another paramilitary jewish group) blew up the prison and broke out 28 of their members and 214 arab prisoners. if im not mistaken they briefly refer to it in exodus by recreating a prison break. exciting times. ANYWAYS fuck im such a tangential bitch sorry XD, by the end of the night we’d all make it to the top- “jerusalem”- and we’d have hot chocolate and say morning prayers as the sun rose over the hill. 

i feel like my description is a little lacking, but hopefully u get the basic picture. ma’apilim wasn;t even the heaviest part of camp- that was tisha b’av- the fast day when we commemorate the destruction of the temple and every other traumatic destructive event the jewish people have gone thru. that night they’d prepare the camp with candles in sand filled paper bags lining all the paths. after dinner we’d walk with our bunks on the path and watch little skits in different parts of camp- scenes from these moments in jewish history, like the holocaust, pogroms in europe, the spanish inquisition, terror attacks in israel, etc. after walking the path we’d all convene back at the waterfront, where they’d set out a small reconstructed “temple” on a makeshift raft in the lake, and a banner on the beach that said “yizkor”- remember. then they’d light both on fire and we’d sit and watch them burn while singing appropriately somber songs like eli eli, by hannah senesz. after that we’d go back to the gym and lie on the floor in small groups huddled around candles. we’d listen as some people chanted the book of eicha (lamentations), and would slowly fall asleep (depending on our age, of course). anyone that was still up after that was over got to stay in the gym if they wanted to watch exodus- a 4 hour movie. the next day we’d fast all day (only those who wanted- 13 y/o +) and treated it basically like shabbat- no regular activities.

MAN did i get some wild shit imprinted on me from camp!! but i don’t regret one second. i only wish other people could have the experience i did, but i dont even know if they still do that there. they probably do, but this old lady has no excuses to step foot in a summer camp anymore :(

as a completely coincidental aside and not at all as a self promo, idk if u knew this but i’ve been working on a documentary for over a year now and this whole thing is a major part of the plot. i interviewed a lady who was a passenger on the exodus, and about 4 or 5 people who were volunteers from montreal/new york/new jersey/toronto that picked up and smuggled the refugees. the stories are incredible. i just hope the rest of the world will get to hear it from their mouths one day. all we need is 100k to finish the film XD

[ttransthirteen]

okay here we go! for sol: 8, 35, 19; for hernandez: 45, 5, 13; for jericho: 3,17, 24; for nikola: 40, 43, 50; for nix, 9, 22, 29, for scott: 3, 36, 27; for hero: 34, 18, 6; for lynx: 10, 26, 44!! sorry if that's too many!!

anon i have no idea how you know all these characters enough to send me specific ones for their names, but i want you to know this is the best thing that has happened to me in weeks and you are the absolute light of my life. if you believe in a higher power i wish you blessings and happiness for years to come. 

here we go!! (also this is so long im sorry, I tried to sort them if anybody is actually curious about any of them)

Sol- 

8. did they have pets as a child? as an adult? do they like animals?

Dani Solis, or just Sol to her coworkers, is a mechanic who never quite understood living things. she grew up in outer space and never really had the opportunity to have a pet, although the constant traveling meant she got to see a ridiculous variety of life. When she was a little girl, she would sometimes find a cockroach or other bug on the ship and catch it, keeping it and feeding it until it died. it was never a very satisfying experience, probably adding to her obsession with immortal machines. 

35. whats their guilty pleasure? what is their totally unguilty pleasure?

I’d call Eric her guilty pleasure. they would have ended up together if I hadn’t killed him off mid-breakdown. Most people live on a planet, but she doesn’t have one, so to her any sort of truly meaningful human connection is dangerous and off-limits. but she loves him deeply, although it scares her. Unguilty, I’d say shes kind of a hoarder. her bunk is full of knick-knacks from every corner of the explored universe. she spends pretty much her entire salary on it tbh

19. whats their least favorite genres? 

if this is about literature, she thinks fantasy is stupid. if it’s music, she loves rap and techno but has never really been able to tolerate slow guitar pieces about how beautiful planet life is. think space-age country. 

Hernandez-

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?

this is a big one for him. Captain Eric Hernandez is a trans man, so for a lot of his life yeah there was a massive difference. but after he transitioned, I would say the main difference would be that the people around him see him as cold, kind of scary. he’s not scary, he’s scared. he sees himself as small and weak, even after he straight up murdered his abuser and took his place as captain. His friends would say he is the strongest, bravest man they’ve ever known. They would be right.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

He has two sisters and two brothers, I don’t know any of their names. He was very close with all of them and misses them every day. Since he ran away to avoid having to pretend to be a woman his whole life, and then murdered a guy, contacting any of them would have been massively dangerous. He couldn’t even tell any of them he was leaving because he wasn’t out to them. In the version of his story where he’s executed, they all get letters from Sol explaining everything. In the version where he lives, he sends the letters himself.

13. What is their least favorite food?

fish was never available to him as a kid, and he never acquired the taste. 

Jericho-

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

this isnt something i get to say about my ocs a lot, but he did. he had a lovely childhood. he grew up with a loving father in a huge, beautiful city where he was free to explore and learn to his hearts content. he has especially fond memories of wandering around the actual ground of the city where basically nobody ever goes, looking at bugs and mold and plants with his little junior scientist magnifying glass, looking them up on his computer-band. the worst ones were probably nights where his dad had to work and he was lonely in their apartment, bc those were the nights he wondered about his mom. 

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

He’ll take photographs of cool specimen, but mostly he carries a journal and prefers to take notes. he takes notes on absolutely everything and has boxes and boxes of old notebooks in his closet at home. 

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

my boy jericho has very little trouble sleeping and is fine with the govt issues firm mattress. he is quiet and still and sleeps deeply. 

Ok! switching universes! these characters are completely disconnected from those three.

Nikola Tchaikova- 

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

I’m not sure she’s ever even tried it. Nikola is a full blown alcoholic and anything that makes her feel more alert is probably not something she’s gonna enjoy. Her natural senses and awareness are absolutely through the roof, so it’s not something she really needs at all. She does like sweets though. Back when she had her family, her and her close companions use to sneak away sometimes and go out to the city for milkshakes and music, and those are probably her fondest memories. 

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

When she was a very young girl she might have worshipped the christian/jewish/muslim god, or at least attempted to. For a young shifter where she grew up, life was rough, and she would have had a hard time finding the meaning in it all. but later in life, after the war, the major religion worshipped shifters and obviously that was ridiculous to her, so she kind of looks down on the whole thing. She might still be a little envious of the purpose and comfort that the worshippers get and that is missing so much from her life, but one of the main gods in their pantheon is based on her kid brother’s best friend. its hard to take that seriously. (the idea is that there were 5 original all powerful shifters who made the real world ones. this is wrong. shifters were a science experiment gotten out of control, and Nikola knows that.)

50. If they could only take one bag of stuff somewhere with them: what would they pack? What do they consider their essentials?

She would pack her knife, which her long dead brother gave her about 1500 years ago. she would take the pendant she wears, which was symbolic of the leadership position she used to hold before the people she was leading were all killed. She has a photo collection that she says never looks at out of fear of the light ruining them. Her best friend made her some copies, but she doesn’t look at those either. I think it hurts her to see the faces of the people she misses. She has a small bag of things tucked into the back of her closet that she never, ever touches or looks at. After the massacre that took her family, Angelo (the only survivor, her best friend) went through the carnage and collected the possessions of their friends. Nikola helped him bury them, but she couldn’t stand to take their things. he gave them to her afterwards, and she’s only every managed to take them out and look at them when she’s so drunk she knows she won’t remember the next day. But she would never leave them behind.

Nix- 

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals?

Domenico “Nix” Tchaikova is Nikola’s son, so half-shifter. Shifters are, by necessity, a bit closer to nature than the rest of us, and even though he has almost no actual form changing abilities animals have always seemed to like him a bit more than his friends. He’s always assumed that it’s because of his prosthetic leg, that they realize he couldn’t chase them if he wanted to, but animals know things, and they can sense that he’s not quite the same as the other humans. 

22. What are their favorite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

Nix would never insult someone behind their back- he has a temper, and if you piss him off he’s gonna confront you on the spot. His insults tend not to be physical. he might call you ugly if hes real mad, but hes much more likely to call you a coward or an idiot. He gets hit a lot for this. 

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? 

No, he’d never tease someone for being genuinely afraid. He knows fear too well to try and use it against people. If somebody he cared about was afraid of something, he would plant his tiny self between them and whatever it was no matter what. hes used to being seen as small and weak and incapable, and its resulted in a stupidly brave boy who gets himself into trouble a lot because he doesnt know when to back down.

Scott-

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

My boy!!! This is another one of Nikola’s children, one of the triplets. if you just read her thing, you can probably guess that she wouldn’t be a very good mother. Angelo, his father, was always loving and supportive, but both of his parents were just sad people who weren’t really prepared to raise three children. They grew up in the century before the war broke out, in a political climate that feared and hated them, among countless news stories of people like them being murdered and hunted. but Nikola still managed to give them a reasonably normal childhood. She found a place to settle down, near enough to a city that they could socialize and explore but far enough away they they grew up in the woods and could explore their natural abilities without being hunted down by hate groups. 

He has a lot of good memories! pretty much all of them are him doing dumb shit with his siblings. they used to use their shifting to break into concerts or fly up to the roofs of tall buildings. 

As for bad ones. definitely most of his bad memories are on Nikola’s head. He was the shifter equivalent of about eight years old when he saw her kill somebody for the first time. she didn’t know he was there, but im not sure if knowing would have changed anything. she’s been on a very long, very complicated vengeance quest since before he was born. She had tracked somebody down, and he watched while she slowly cornered him. You could practically smell the terror coming off the man as she drew her blade, moving towards him as she spoke. He had never heard her talk about the deaths of her family before, and as she told her prey all about how she had come home to find her kid brother on the floor with his throat slit open, there was something in her voice that he would never forget for the rest of his life. then he watched his mother put a knife through the bottom of the man’s jaw into his brain. he saw the light go out of his eyes, and he saw the absolute emptiness in his mother’s when she turned around. He ran as fast as he could back to his siblings and cried, but never told them what he saw. 

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

He can sing!!! he has a voice like an angel and he loves to use it. he plays about twenty instruments- hes had a long time to learn- and he always carries at least one on him. he can use weaponry and is good at it, but doesnt enjoy it. 

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

He doesn’t cry often. He doesn’t care if his siblings see him cry- theyre all so close its like crying in private- but with other people he doesnt like it. He just gets quiet when he’s sad. He’s not the moodiest of his siblings(that title goes to Lynx) but they all inherited something from their parents that makes them quiet, serious people on the whole. He feels deeply and thinks about things. Hes bisexual. I know that doesn’t go here but its important. He cried after he slept with a man for the first time, not because he was upset with himself about the gay thing but because he’d let himself fall for a human. The boy’s name was Jacob, and he didn’t understand but tried to comfort him anyways because he cared about Scott. They dated for a while, but Scott couldn’t handle knowing he would age and die so quickly and broke it off. Jacob was 43 when he was killed in a bombing during the war. Funerals had stopped happening at that time, people unable to keep up with all the dead. But there were still graves, and Scott visited Jacob’s for years afterwards. 

Hero-

34. What is their body type? How tall are they? Do they like their body?

She looks a lot like her mom. about 5′7, muscular, strong features. She got her dads eyes though, the only one of her siblings to have them. Scott and Lynx and Nix all have Nikki’s distinctive golden-ringed brown. She likes her body fine, its a good and strong body. she likes that shes not the shortest of her siblings(lynx is tied and nix is smaller) but other than that she doesnt really care. 

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

She was never much of a reader, and the only tv she ever got to see was when there was one on in a restaurant. She did enjoy films though, and her favorites were action. She got a certain something from Nikola that neither Scott or Lynx has, something kind of cold and fierce. Whatever it was that Scott saw in his mom’s eyes when she killed that man, exists in Hero too. Nix too, but less so. She would have liked video games a lot if she’d ever had the chance to really get into them.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

She never went to school. Her father taught her to read and write, as well as everything he thought she needed to know about the world. She spent her childhood wandering with her siblings, and most things she needed to know she got from that. All three of them had been planning on going to college, but the war came before they got the chance. But I think if she’d gotten the chance she would have had an interest in something technical. Engineering or architecture maybe. 

Lynx-

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

God I love Lynx. He would never, ever become a parent, but I think he would be a good one. Out of all of her children, Lynx inherited the most of Nikola’s sadness. In non dramatic terms she gave him her tendencies towards mental illness and its something hes struggled with his whole life. His siblings are a wonderful support system but he knows that any child of his would struggle like he has, and he has so many unhappy memories of Nikola’s misery that he would be too afraid. But children do like him, and he likes them. He’s a fun, playful person when he’s feeling good, and is absolutely delighted to discover he has a little brother. obviously hes got the same terror of losing him, but he has pushed those feelings tf down. he just wants to enjoy their relationship while he can. hes a wonderful, sweet, caring boy whos full of love and good times, but too scared of himself to ever be a parent.

26. How do they act when they’re happy? Do they sing? Dance? Hum? Or do they hide their emotions? 

When he’s happy, everybody knows it. He is an absolute delight. he does dance, actually. when hes happy he does it more but also its just a thing hes good at and loves to do. humans who see it know theres something not quite natural about the way he moves, and hes beautiful to watch when hes using it to express joy. He has bright eyes and a smile that makes you feel like you are safe and loved and that everything in the entire world is gonna be ok. 

44. What is their favorite season? Type of weather? Are they good in the cold or the heat? What weather do they complain in the most? 

He loves any time of the year where it’s warm enough to wear skirts and loose, light shirts. The wintertime makes his depression worse, and a lot of years he and his siblings will head south to avoid it. but he loves warm breezes and cool nights by a fire, loves seeing the flowers in the spring and all the new baby animals. he isn’t at all a complainer, but when the weather is affecting him badly it’s easy to tell. he gets quiet, which is not something he is a lot. 

[hcneylesbian-archive]

skam listen .... skam just like dude. sana just needs a hug why is the world against her shes just a nice human

i would like to preface with i think that’s funny cause you could have said ‘fam listen’ and skam rhymes and im sorry anyways

i feel for her so much right now, it seems like everyone that could potentially be there for her just ends up being inconsistent and unavailable and it’s just not fair. we’re seeing sana putting herself out there to try to make things work (ie the bus, her friends, etc.) and try to keep everything together, and of course she’s strong and capable as hell but everyone needs somebody to talk to. or, better put, ‘people need people’ right!

we thought, at first, she had the girl squad? slowly, they started dissipating from her story. and of course there’s isak and even, and potentially they’re still there, but they’ve probably been busy moving and with school, and now it could be tense (though i doubt anyone blames sana.) we thought she had yousef? well, at first there was the issue that he wasn’t muslim, then once we were beginning to see hope despite that, he goes and makes out with noora. and noora, we thought that she was going to be with sana through this, but then she got mad at sana for doing something that she once did (and went and made out with yousef honestly what were those two thinking? why did yousef leave the balloon squad alone if they were in trouble? i need answers!) and we thought she could open up to elias for a brief shining moment, and who knows how that’s going to feel now? who knows what feelings are going to be going around? (though he seems like an awesome brother to her and like such a good dude so i hope things between them end up alright). apparently she’s also going to be kicked off the bus by these clearly racist girls (aided by vilde) and just, everything seems to be going against her.

yes i agree she is an amazing human and i wish someone would give her a really good, full-on squeeze, warm, long hug. i feel so bad for her. i feel as though she’s being pulled apart between so many different people and things and everything is just piling up on her. i truly hope someone helps her out soon.

send me asks?

[chippedfolks]

Love

I saudade him and everything that has to do with him, everyday! From the minute I saw him put his glasses on and open his mouth to speak, I felt comfortable and safe. I was instantly attracted to him, and i will never forget that feeling, a warmth in my heart. It was exciting, even the way we met so unexpectedly like the work of god or the universe at that exact moment in time. I gave him a chance, and i don’t know why i just felt like i had too. I definitely feel like our souls have crossed paths in another life, and it was perfect their as well. Out of billions of people in the world i found him, so randomly and to me that’s so beautiful. He is my soul mate. He loved me even though I am black, Muslim, come from a super strict family, and that I live thousands and thousands of miles away from him (all of which have very negative connotations). Vanilla guy and chocolate girl, its nice to see that it’s becoming a lot more common around the world! I am so honoured I was the first girl to meet ur family and I hope you know that I love all of them. Yeah I haven’t known them for years and have only spent like 3 days in their presences but I Iove them jimmy. Your mother is so special to me she is my R! But just know I will always be there for her, ok! if anything happens. For all of you! After the first month…nah even the first two weeks of talking to him I knew I loved him, he was so fucking special how couldn’t I..he was/is everything I love in a partner. I loved our first encounter we were so nervous and scared in person and our first awks kiss and every kiss I ever gave him after that and every hug <3 and I loved when he got on one knee (well i forced him too haha) and gave me nala (as we were both wearing nothing) and asked me to be his gf <3 haha we were crazy. I even loved the way i told him i loved him at Stonebridge park on our 10 mins walk to the train-station. That was the first time he knew how strict my parents were..something i never wanted him to know because i knew it would be so fucking difficult and we’d break up over their opinion one day. It was not the most romantic place to say i love you, (i mean i was in tears and freaking out) but it just came out, but when he ran back up towards me and surprised me as i was waiting for the train in tears, i will never forget when he said he loved me too and wished he said it first and was feeling that way for a long time. 

He’s is my best friend, and i pray he’ll always be there for me as my best friend even if we aren’t together. He is the only man that has ever wanted to know everything about me, and that i was completely open to sharing who i am really am and that’s so special…no one has ever care about me that much. You know I’m not the type of girl that dates a lot or wants to fuck around. I’m a one man type of girl. And I miss him, and I want to tell him im sorry if he is hurting i don’t know if he is. I don’t know how he is feeling, he is very good at hiding. So he can be very mysterious in that way, and i love that in men. But if you are hurting in anyway, I’m so sorry, and I wish I could take all your pain away and suffer for you. It might sound crazy ok but i’d die for you and I would love you in sickness and in health. I really pictured one day being Mrs. Jimmy, it would have been a dream come true for me because you are all i’ve ever dreamed about and want. And you’ll forever be so special to me. I might not be with you, but my heart still cares deeply for you. So my long essay below is just a little bit of what I love about you Jimmy, and I wish I told all of this to you in person to your face when I had the chance. I wish I told you I loved you every day and I wish you could feel how much I truly meant it.

First off jimmy is hilarious seriously soooo funny and gets my weird sense of humor. He’s tall (yeah i’m finally admitting he’s tall) 😂  and smart as fuck! I’ve learnt so much from him. He is so nerdy (actually smexy) in the cutest way, and he’s not like any guy his age which is honestly the best thank god! He respects women so much <3 Love that he rates things, and researches so deeply about everything he purchases. Haha and the way he explains it to me a thousand times…and even though I don’t really care, I just love to listen to how happy he is when he explains it and I could listen to him for an eternity. I love watching his nerdy youtube video about tv shows, and his ‘how to become a better public speaker’ youtube videos. He always trying to learn something and better himself and it’s amazing to see him grow. I love that we have the same tastes in tv shows and movies (kinda..i guess i like romance a bit more haha) <3 and that he watched chewing gum with me even though i forced him to, but he secretly liked it. It was times like those that i miss! the simpler times. Oh and i’d watch tv shows he liked..honestly i loved the crown, i still have to finish up the last 3 episodes..wish it was with him but at least he watched it with his mama. It was a very educational tv show, and i do love it.

I love that he’s paranoid, and scared to try new things. But he eventually tries new things it just takes a while and he has too be very cautious (not like me haha). I love that he’s the only person i’ve ever met that brushes his teeth after lunch and not after breakfast. He’s a good texter, actually the best! And probably the only person that understand my fucked up texts because they never make sense. He’s so mature, understanding, and really cares about everything. I love looking at him when he doesn’t know i am (which is a lot), he’s a masterpiece and every movement of his face and body is truly a work of art. His soul is so pure, like his mother’s and father’s and brother’s. I love his huge personality, his lips, eyes, beard, hair, chest, arms, stomach, toes, legs everything about him is so beautifully gorgeous. I LOVE HIS MANHOOD, in all its stages, it is so PERFECT!!! I have no regrets about anything! I love how he naturally smells, it is soo nice and I feel like I’ve imprinted on him like a wolf. I can’t get his smell out of my mind (sounds weird but it’s true). I love how he tastes :D and I love his hips, even though he doesn’t I do. I love that he trusts me with scissors if you know what I mean you really have too trust a person too do that, and i love giving him massages and receiving them from him. I love that i know he would never hit me or lay a finger on me, he is just so gentle and loving. I love that he makes me want to dress sexier and look sexy for him, because his opinion is the only thing I cared about. I love feeling him grow under his pants and I love that look I give him when I want to rip his clothes off and he tells me to stop looking at him in that way.

I love love love that he’s Portuguese 😍 and I love his accent so much. It was such a huge turn on for me, the main reason i was so intrigued with him in the beginning. As well as his low sexy voice. I love his culture, and country and i loved learning more and more about it from him. Love when he says things wrong in English, but that I never correct him coz I understand him 10000%. I love giving him Hickeys on his neck and I love that he calls them hiccups. I love that he called muscles..muskuls haha so fucking cute. I love giving him head massages on the train and when he’s driving (anywhere really) just running my fingers through his hair. I love biting his beautiful sexy neck and his ear and whispering all the things I want to do to him. I love messing with his nipples, haha he hates it. I loved biting his chin just a little, even though it hurt him a bit he always got mad…I stopped doing it eventually coz my baby (ex baby) said it hurt a lot and I never wanted him to feel any pain. I love that he always tried his best to make me laugh when I was feeling down. And that he always told me everything was going to be ok. I love that he still stays with simba after all these years and isn’t afraid to say he has a stuff animal, so manly and now he has sabrina protecting him. Love the way he sleeps with one leg in and out of the covers and also when I try to wake him up in the morning, but he always finds a finds a way to cuddle me and get me back to bed and all quiet. Love making sure he’s ok in life and that he tells me, and trusts me when things are not going so well because he knows im always there for him. I love that he never likes to waste food, and he always finishes mine. I love that he used to hate when I would ask strangers for help, most of the time I did it just to piss him off haha. I love how happy we were when we went to a costa and that we would both never step foot into a starbucks. I love how competitive we are with each other. I love that he loves soup and I wanted so badly to learn how to cook all his favourite dishes, especially from his mother so I could make it for him. I love how he is with buckbeak, coz i pictured our future pets and how happy he’d be with them. I love that one piece of hair that always falls on his forehead and how annoyed he’d get about it.

I Loved watching him drive and I loved going to the beach with him and annoying him, i could go everyday!! Love that his mums his real bff ❤ Love that he always tries to think positively, even though it’s easier to think negatively. I love the way he dances (it’s so bad, but he tries so hard it is so cute) and that he sings along to every song even if he doesn’t know all the words. And I love when he puts a show on for me, because those dance moves are one of a kind. I love the way he would  grab me sometimes when another man looked at me, he was claiming his territory but he didn’t need to because no man could ever replace him. I love that he would make sure that I’m well fed, coz I don’t eat that well sometimes… and the way he chews his food so loudly. The way he helps out around the kitchen and house and can cook a little. I love that I know he’d NEVER EVER cheat and I trusted him 100000%, he’s not that kind of man. I love flirting with him, the way he sounds when he wants to U know. I loved making him feel relieved and I know I would never get tired of seeing him happy and relieved, if you know what i mean :D Also love when he bits his lips, and the vein’s he has on the back of his arms. I love all the little black freckles around his body and the little chest hair he has. I love that he thinks he’s getting bald but that i’ve prayed he wouldn’t and believe he wont…even if he does i’d kiss that bold head every fucking day.

I love us as sabrina and Alex!!! I loved that he used to tell me he loved my lips the natural color they were..no one has ever told me that. I love that whenever i first saw him..i’d put so much make-up and he’d hate it and after that i’d just do my eyebrows and i felt beautiful in my own skin and he didn’t mind. I love his presence and the way he touches my body so softly, also the way he hugs me. Our naked cuddles, and fuck me he was getting so good at his oral game just needed a bit more practice. Love the feel of his kissing my neck, Honestly he turns me on so much, and turns me into a sex crazy maniac which is cool. God he has the most perfect ass, so juicy i love it. I love that he’s not afraid to try the craziest things with me everywhere and anywhere. I love the little moments we had in person, like laughing on the train or on a walking tour..gosh i miss those moments they were so full of pure love. I love that i know which side of his face he thinks is the sexy side and which one he thinks is the nerdy side, but to me both sides make up the face the most handsome guy i know. I love the little black dot he has behind on of his ears. I love the way he would grab my hand when we are walking or puts his hands on my hips to guide me through a crowd of people. I love his dry lips. I love that he traveled to see me 4 times! Best parts of my university and I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren about our adventures with my first love. He’d always get mad when I lost something, but he always looked so damn cute, or the way he triple checks everything when he travels. I love that he would sometimes just laugh at my clumsiness, because he knew I just can’t help it. I love that he has goals in life, and wants to be super successful. I love that even tho I sometimes feel super insecure about the beautiful females around the world that he could be with, he always reassured me that he was mine… was is the key word 😔  It’s ok though i’m hopeful everyone of my friends…even his beautiful mum and mum’s best friend all believe we might have a second chance (hope then it lasts, i believe it will). Don’t know if its gonna be in a year or two or even when we are 60 but i know in the back of my mind as life goes on i’ll always be hoping for that day to come.

I love how childish he is, and he isn’t afraid to be. I love that he can put up with my craziness haha. I love his sharp teeth, and I love how cute he looked as a baby so fucking adorable and he knows it. I love that he’s the first person that has gotten me to look at the world differently (and i know he has learnt a lot form me as well), and he always pushes me to do better because he believes in me the same way i believe in him. I hope i made him him that he is destined for greatness. I love that he used to hate when i said nevermind, but i’d eventually let me know haha he hates that word. Jimmy is just so strong mentality and i admire him for that. I love how happy and in the zone he gets when he plays the PS4 😂 she’ll always be his mistress. I love how he taught me to keep happy aspects in life to your loved ones and closets friends only and not to share it to the world. I love that when I want to try super crazy things, that I might regret, he doesn’t tell me not to do it he just talks to me and always gets me to reason. I love that even though his friends said they would never date a black girl he did and didn’t give a shit. You could say he’s a rebel. I love when he talks to strangers and when he’s nervous but confident at the same time. I love how perfectly our bodies mesh together when we spoon. I love how his face brightened up every time I snuck back into bed at 2am in the morning, and he’d open up the covers for me and he’d just cuddle me and hold me close and we’d fall asleep so quickly. I love that he respected me while I was fasting, and he even respected my sister when she was. I honestly did believe we could live in a household together as one with two different religions, I never cared. I just love him for who he is…it most mostly for my families sake really. Whatever doesn’t matter now i guess. I love that we’d dance in the kitchen when we were doing chores together. I loved that we both surprised each other with our skills when we did activities, because theirs still a lot we never go to do together. I love the face he makes when he’s concentrating and that I always need to tell him to relax it. I love that “back straight” always rings in my head even when he’s not around. I love that I’m able to tell him almost everything, and he would listen and be there for me and would never judge me. I love how generous he is, and that he gives to charity even tho he doesn’t have much. I love how humble he is, he’s not cocky (well maybe just a bit haha). I love the way he looks at him himself in the mirror and is like yup I’m so fresh and handsome (coz he really is). I love that since the time we have been dating his sense of style has improved so much. I love when he tries to impersonate accents and acts out characters, like his stupid British accent. I love how goofy he is, and when we plays sports he’s so good at everything. Gosh it’s such a turn on. I love when he watches football and changes his team on that OSM app like a beautiful kid on Abby every day. I love when he tries to explain something to me 1000% times, even though I mostly know what he is talking about I just like it when he says it again and again he gets frustrated poor thing. I loved that he saw a future of us together, and boy was it amazing. I loved watching him put on some music and clean up his dishes after dinner, he always used to take his sweet time. I love the voice he makes when he’s like “your my gf and i’m your bf and we’re bf and gf and we’re special”. I loved studying with him through skype, he really did help me stay focus. It was nice to see his beautiful face on the side of my screen. I love when some rare nights we’d stay up on whatsapp call and talk suer late and then he’d just fall asleep with the call still going and i’d hear his beautiful breaths. I love that he takes a bite of a burger and then eats some fries and then back to the burger…like who does that? haha. Also i actually love that checked shirt i told him i hated, i’ve never missed it so much. 

I love that he tried with my family and siblings the much he could, he was so beautifully kind even though my family is just so difficult. But it they were lucky enough to get to know him, they would love him just as much as i do. I love/don’t love when he cries..but can honestly tell whether it’s happy or sad tears…he just rubs his eyes a lot under his cute glasses. He’s sometimes insecure about his glasses and has to take them off during the day…even tho poor thing can’t see so well. But i love him with and without his glasses. Love that he is afraid of anything touching his beautiful brown eyes, but i still think he should get laser eye surgery (but i respect that is he afraid, i’d hold his hand if he ever got it..i’d be right by his side and i’d take care of him after). I love that he loves man bracelets, they are sexy as fuck but I never got him any and I wish I did. I love that he’s competitive, and always wants to learn and improve in all aspects of his life. I love love love that he loves to travel and explore (like me) and that he loved going on free walking tours and museums like the beautiful nerd he is..turned me into one 😂 love when he answers questions In a crowd and the way his face lights up when people are interested in him being Portuguese. I love his stiff hand gestures and that movements his hand makes when he’s nervous. I think i’m the only one that has notice how stiff he is, love teaching him to loosen up and use his shoulders (he was trying :D). I love that all my friends said he was the perfect bf, and that i should never let him go. They said we looked happy and perfect together. I love that when I was at home by myself scared, he’d call me and let me listen to the the noise of his family so my home felt full. I love when he’d let me creep on Skype just because I asked. I love that he cares so much that he cared enough to proof read my boring essays, and correct me. Like however, haha just joking…I also loved living with him, it was amazing he is the perfect living partner and i was getting used to it!! I love that as much as i tried, we’d always end up (after cuddling) facing the opposite directions to sleep. Like i did try, guess i just gave up haha coz no matter what side of the bed i slept he would always face the other way. I love that we have a hell of a lot of common interests yet we are still so different. I love that he accepted me for all that I am he is. I am sorry if you felt like i wanted too change you, i don’t i love you..but i guess my family really messing everything up huh. I love that he tried so hard when I said I didn’t feel enough panda from him, but the next time we were together he made sure he damn well was an amazing panda and I never complained. You see he’s a good learner, i’d give him an A++, because I could tell he was really trying and i felt so much love from him. I love when he occasionally randomly told me i was beautiful, it made me feel so good inside yo. Or when he told me he liked my hair a certain way or he liked what i was wearing. I love when he surprises me, because i love surprises and i don’t get them that often <3 love that he has soft hands, coz he’s a king and never does the dirty work. loved that he always gets so tired poor thing, when he used to sleep on the train and lay his head on my shoulder like a big beautiful baby. I loved watching him laugh so hard on the dinner table with his fam bam <3 He has the most perfect smile, and i loved making him laugh so much his eyes would disappear and his smile would get so big sometimes he would laugh so much he’d tear up haha. And i loved staring at him when he was never looking, i did it a lot. Or when he was checking out other girls, he was so bad at hiding it but i didn’t mind it was a fun game i played with myself. He looked at asses more than anything, thank god i have an okay one.  But we were cool, i didn’t never cared that he watched adult videos, some girls do care.. but heck its life i never got pissed it was cool. Actually i love how open and loving our communication was about everything, i think we managed to build amazing communication skills. Plus i loved how he would never understand why i hated going through instructions, so he’d help me out once in a while..he’d get a bit angry haha. Also how he would always have something smart to say about my amazing/right theories, like you should never update ur old computer or phone coz it slows it down. Huge companies are evil like that and that’s just companies way of messing up your devices so you buy their new products..BOOM facts (mic drop ooooo). Loved how he never ever fucking listened to me about drinking hot water with lemon, honey, and ginger when he was sick or using an old t-shirt to dry his hair because towels pull hair out. He is so hard headed, but i love him man. I love him in all his moods and his good and bad days, i still love him. I love that he always managed to say the right things when i’m mad at him about some stupid thing. And i love that when he actually apologises, its so genuine and i can feel his love. I can never stay mad at him, i just can’t.

I love the way he speaks and bonds with his family, and the way he shows them so much love and kindness. I want my future family to be just like his! I love play fighting with him and making him fall off the bed. Because we all know i’m the WWE champ, he kinda sucks haha. I love watching him drink his cafe latte and eat a donut. And the face he makes when food tastes so good. I love annoying the shit out of him and being too hype, coz he gets all happy even tho he says he doesn’t like it (he does, because secretly I know). I love his great memory, and the chicklip, forlip, liplip, noselip all the lips he gave me and he liked mine too mianly the chicklip he liked them more than kisses haha what a weirdo. I love that he’s not afraid to be different and doesn’t care what people think. He really doesn’t care what people think. I LOVE Nala, Stuart, Simba, and Sabrina we were the most perfect family ❤ I love how hardworking he is and that he always gives the best advice. I love that he always wants to make others happy, and that he hated seeing me cry.I love that sometimes he doubts himself especially with his degree and sometimes his work ability, but i just want him to know i truly believe in him. And i know he can do anything in this world he sets his mind too. Love that i’m the only one that can call him jimmy fucking neutron haha.

I love that even when we argued and I was a dick who always had a problem with him..he wouldn’t say anything mean to me or argue and he tried so hard not to be like me.. so I wouldn’t see that side of him. He is always so beautifully positive <3 I love that I know he’d be the greatest father on planet earth in the future, and boy was I lucky to even be considered to have had a future of raising kids with him. I mean those golden genes are so beautiful <3 but it’s just the person he is..his future kids will have the worlds greatest father! I love that he thinks his hair is blonde when it really isn’t, ok fine it has a little blonde but he’s a brunette my favorite kind <3  I love how he is with my friends, I love that he doesn’t judge anyone for who they are. I love the look he gives me when you know, and the noise he makes you know. I loved those times we’d just laugh so hard in the middle of “you know” haha i was just so comfortable with him..i love him. I love how happy we both got every time we’d see each other in person (actually he got mad 2 times we saw each other coz my stupid ass was late but he got over it fast) And how happy we where when we counted down the days..like T-6 day! I love the weird faces he makes when he dances they are just so creepy. I love when he picks his monkeys and does it anyway even tho it’s super gross, but he’s comfortable enough too do that in front of me..it’s still nasty. I love watching him workout and get all sweaty. I love that he texted me everyday and night and that that alone would put the biggest smile on my face. I love our night time whatapp calls, fuck i could talk to him all night. Also that he waited a year and a half for me, he never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do!! If that is not a man you should never let go of then I don’t know who is. He is so polite and is honestly the best male in the world no one compares to him, not even one bit. I am so blessed he’s in my life, even he is a friend right now because I love how he’s helped me grow as a person and has taught me so much and will continue too. He truly has a bright and beautiful soul. And I will always, without a doubt, love this man and all that he is forever! I just loved that he tried his best with me, as much as he could. He is my home, where ever he is i’m 100% comfortable and safe and happy. I could go on and on about the millions of things I love about him (seriously this is nothing). We have had a beautiful experience together..and If you didn’t already know this jimmy, i love you from the top of our big ass combined foreheads to the bottom! Always and forever. I think now i’ve said my peace with everything, more like wrote my peace haha (bad joke) lol…but at least one day he might read all of this and know. I have so many unforgettable memories i share with him that are so beautiful, but i’m hopeful for what the future has in store for the both of us. I don’t think our beautiful story is over just yet. It’s just came in the wrong time for now but our time will come again, i know it will, if your open too it (coz hell too the fuck yes i am). Thank you for everything, it was the biggest honor being your gf even if it was cut short. I only wish you good fortune and pure happiness for the many years to come. And no matter where life takes you i will always be there for you and so will my guardian angel, you can always count on me and her haha.  It’s the least i could do for all the happiness and love you brought into my life all those months. My one regret was not saying all of this in person, but at least now i’ve written a little bit of how a feel and have always felt about you. There’s still much so fucking i could write, but i think the word count on this essay has come to a max ;D you know me and my essays haha i always have a lot too say! I love you! I sometimes wonder what would have said about me, haha just a thought i guess.