#girl i haaaate being sick

[lektricfergus]

nyquil vs being on my phone GO

[stuccobaby]

kahlopatra headcanons? 🙏

bestieeee

these are gonna be random a f

(college au/i aged em up)

Cleopatra runs cold, Frida runs hot. It's perfect.

yes, they both have their tickets for the Barbie movie. Cleopatra has her outfit planned out (pink pink pink everything) and Frida is very excited to be Cleo's Ken.

Frida thought she had a high tolerance for spicy food but Cleopatra is in a different league. Like she could go on Hot Ones and not even flinch.

but Cleo haaaates Tajin. Frida loves it. She puts it on fruit and Cleo couldn't believe her eyes.

Cleopatra has a cat! (i was picturing a siamese) Frida is lowkey allergic, but she can handle it. But if you thought Cleo was snooty...wait till you meet this cat.

Cleopatra snores. Frida thought it would be cute and quiet but it's actually kinda loud. Frida is contemplating ways to bring this up and survive to see another day.

Frida is an Aquarius! Cleopatra is a Scorpio (not to get in my astrology bag but I think she's a scorpio sun, leo rising and gemini moon. venus in leo or taurus. what do yall think about it.)

I wrote a lot hehe woops.

(TW: weed) Cleopatra is like a 'smoke at parties' kinda girl, whereas Frida smokes often for funsies and as a creativity boost.

(TW: weed) They tried to do a 'take an edible and go to an aquarium' date but Cleopatra got too high and freaked out in the shark tunnel. They'll try again but with an arboretum next time.

Frida can play the guitar. Cleopatra goaded her into playing for her once and folded immediately when she started singing. (at one point, Frida looked up and Cleo was taking off her clothes)

Speaking of, Cleopatra told Frida she signed up to be a model for her art class. Frida did not know she was a nude model. Frida should have guessed. damn it was hard to focus on painting that day

Cleopatra is now Frida's personal fashion consultant. She's a (cheerleader, homecoming queen) part-time model, she has a very keen eye for fashion obvi

When it's cold, Frida wears socks to bed and they argue about it all the time. They also argue about what side of the bed to sleep on (they both want the right side smh).

Frida loves going along with Cleo on her many beauty shop appointments (nails, hair, spa, etc) but won't go into any waxing/threading shop because the technicians start getting twitchy just looking at her. She feels like if she fell asleep, she'd wake up tied to the chair with two eyebrows.

They watch a lot of movies. Cleopatra laments how expensive TVs used to be but loves that they're cheap now because a big screen TV still makes her feel rich and luxurious.

Frida will be the first one to say I love you and it will mess Cleo up a little bit. don't worry tho, they'll talk about it! she's just not used to being loved (saad)

Frida is teaching Cleo Spanish, but all she wants to learn is swear words and dirty talk. it's gonna take a while

Cleopatra is a bug killer, Frida tries to trap and release.

Harriet (Frida's roomie in this AU) was extremely suspicious of Cleo at first ("wasn't she like your nemesis?") but she came around eventually ("enemies to lovers is kinda sexy...")

Frida is currently showing Cleo so many Spongebob episodes, she was sick of her constant references going to waste.

yes, they listen to a LOT of new music together. Frida tries to go in chronological order (2004 music, 2005 music etc), so that Cleo could hear the progression of music sound. (i could go on and on about music but these r getting long already)

Cleopatra is a passenger princess, but mostly because everybody is too scared to get in a car with her at the wheel; she drives like she's playing fucking GTA. (Frida thought people were kidding, but after they went soaring over a downhill speed bump one time, Frida politely took the keys forever).

speaking of GTA, that's Cleo's favorite video game. she enjoys mowing people down, blowing things up, and getting cute new outfits. Frida thinks its a good way for her to indulge her sadistic streak.

Mario Kartin': Frida mains an Orange Yoshi, Cleo goes between Peach and Rosalina (she refuses to make a Mii she thinks they're too ugly to represent her).

They become a different couple when they play mario kart. Frida is really fucking good and Cleopatra can't stand that shit eating grin every time she wins. (cleo would be like that tik tok sound: right hand on the bible, god can strike me down if im lying, that motherfucker's cheating!)

-----

I could write more but i wrote way too much already. y'all would have to ask for part 2. Also... may have snuck my next fic in here teehee.

if anybody wants to use these for art or what have you, go for it (but it better be gooood 😜)

tag and credit me tho so i can see it and be overjoyed

THANKS FOR ASKIN BESTIE!

[uh-velkommen]

Coming out as Trans, I feel like I've unlocked a new minigame section of life, like I now have access to a world I only ever watched from the sidelines. It's funny how I used to wish I could be part of this community. I always related to the stories I'd hear. So often would I stare at my body in the mirror wishing I could've been born differently. I always felt like there was a part of me missing or that something was wrong. All the stereotypical Trans thoughts were there. I just kept telling myself I only hated the patriarchal norms that were being forced upon me. I only hated my body because of how sexualized it always was. I always wanted to hang out with my brothers friends because they were the only people my age who would come over often. But the past few days, I've been thinking about all the silly things I'd think and do that should've been clearer indications as to who I was/am. (I'm probably gonna continue updating this as I think of more stuff)

I used to try on my brothers clothes, put my hair up in caps and try to look like a boy in pictures.

I tried training myself to speak in a deeper and calmer voice because I hated how high and girly my voice sounded. (I loved having a sore throat because it made my voice deeper while being sick actually made it higher)

I overcompensated when it came to dressing and being girly as a way to bond with my mother despite having no real interest in make up and pedicures. (There's a lot of things that I'd do or want that initially made me think I was cis but we're really just ways that I'd beg to be treated decently or show that I was loved)

I never felt like I was a Lesbian but had no other way to explain my attraction to girls.

I struggled a lot between wondering if I was just a tomboy or butch but found myself relating to Gay men more than butch women.

I literally never ever ever took off my bras because I felt super uncomfortable with the girls moving around.

A lot of the time I worried about upsetting my dad because he was so happy to have finally made a daughter after 4 sons.

My uncle used to have a friend who I could never figure out if she was a boy or a girl (I still don't know to this day) and yet I could never get her out of my head/admired her for being so confounding.

I would get reeeeeaaaaally jealous of Trans women for being beautiful women with boy parts. Sometimes I couldn't fathom why they would give up being a boy as if it were a slice of cake they were refusing "while kids in Africa starved."

I often struggled with questioning if I was dysphoric because of my AGAB or if it was insecurity from my brother calling me fat and ugly all my life.

I was always too scared to come out as lesbian because I knew it felt wrong and on top of that, it wasn't my sexuality that was the big secret I had been keeping. It was something much worse.... my gender.

When I was about 14, Disney released a TV show where the main character was a girl named Dylan and I felt a cosmic shift in learning that women could also have boy names.

I always wanted to do rugged things with my brother. I practically lived vicariously through him, letting him teach me about fighting, parkour, video games, "boyish music" like dubstep. Everything that I didn't have access to. Nowadays I think about how I really just wanted to be him.

I even tried hanging out with my male cousins and family friends more than the women because it felt like this other world that I desperately wanted to understand.

I used to HAAAATE when my uncle would joke around by calling me "little boy" because it felt like he was making fun of my internal struggles.

Sometimes when I wore my hair a certain way I would angrily compare myself to a "little Mexican boy" because why couldn't I look like a pretty Hispanic woman?

The torturous anxiety I'd feel about wearing makeup in public (I literally had a panic attack at prom because my hair stylist put eyeliner on me).

I loved hanging out with the neighborhood Gay kid even though he was like 4 years younger than me because he would let me ride his skateboard. (We found solace in each other bc he got bullied alot and we were both queer - whether I knew it or not)

All my life I've just wanted male friends but I could never obtain a friendship without being sexualized or viewed as an ultimate romantic interest. At the same time I only knew how to interact with boys in a flirtatious manner though it was never intentional.

Shopping for clothes was a whole can of worms in itself but I used to feel sooo uncomfortable going down the aisles of the women's section. All I wanted was to see what the boys section had to offer but I also thought it was entirely off limits to women. Sometimes I pretended I was shopping for my brother or I'd encourage him to let me style him so I could have an excuse to buy the clothes I liked/wanted.

Sometimes I'd want to date boys but only in the way that boys would date boys.

When I found out about intersexuality I got super obsessed with it, wishing that I could've been born with both male and female parts. Sometimes I'd think that maybe I had a hormonal problem where I was just producing too much testosterone and that could explain why I felt like a boy.

The visceral reactions to ANY comments about being a good housewife, a clean girl, a future wife, not being able to do a man's job or otherwise putting men first simply because I was born a girl.

God the constant comments about my butt, my mom used to hate that I'd let my pants sag.

The way I'd get SUPER emotionally affected from reading about the AIDs crisis (along with Stonewall) and the way Trans people were treated. I mean before I was even learning about Lesbianism, I was getting enraged about the way it was handled. I'd cry more reading newspaper articles than at actual funerals. I was completely obsessed with learning more and more stories from real trans people.

Overall, I think I tended to carry myself and walk in a more masculine manner. I feel like I was never this dainty feminine being until adulthood when I'd started becoming reclusive and turning further in on myself.

[bunnyb34r]

I got snaaaacks 🍿🥤

Not as expensive as I thought like $10 for a small popcorn and small icee, but that's more than the price of a matinee so yknow 🤷‍♀️

Was very good though sgdgdgd think I'll do the order ahead pick up in theater thing if I get snacks again, but I only ate like half the bag agdgdggd big ass bag for a small and tiiiiiny cup for a small icee

Anyway the movie was really good! I forgot spiderman is marvel though 😬 but I used my movie credit so I didn't pay for it. Still though...

Anyway really liked it, really liked the casting and story. Didn't end the way I thought it would tbh. I'll put my spoilers under the cut. Sat second farthest row back bc getting snacks took so long that the end seats were already taken in the row I picked and I didnt wanna make someone get up especially when the theater was so sparsely filled anyway like it's not REALLY assigned seating (unless you order stuff to your seat)

But! I could see the screen a lot better and I didn't need my ear plugs even with it being a loud action movie so that's a plus! Fun little trip all around :)

Oh! And guess what trailer was playing when I came in. Guess. :)

Imaginary. I fucking hate those trailers 😭 stop making me see Chauncey 😭 hes not even cute!! And Alice sobbing at the end makes me saaaaad having seen the other trailer

AND Tarot looks really fucking good even if I haaaate horror movies. Like the premise that whatever card you picked is responsible for your death (I think that's it, I'll have to look it up) is really cool (couldnt help but think of stardust crusaders 😅 I'm like 👀 what does the Hierophant do? 👀 like we saw the hermit, the high priestess, the hanged man (kinda??) Like what else... let me see without watching the whole movie and being paranoid for a week like horror always makes me 😭) anyway I think it's the first 12 cards and 13, death, was the last one tying their fate I THINK. Anyway idk if I'll see that 😬 but it's funny bc I remember when Ouija came out I tried to convince my friends to skip school with me and go see it but no ones parents would let them call out sick but mine sgdggdgd my mom was like whatever just let me know if your friends take you to the movies (they did not.) Anyway I picked that bc it looked cool and they liked horror, and I think this is the same "franchise" same director

The creepy rhyme of the rules was cool sgdgdgd

Spoilers for Madame Web under the cut ⬇️

So it's a prequel to spiderman! I didn't know that! We got to see Uncle Ben becoming Uncle Ben, and he didn't just have like a short cameo like he was apart of the story which was cool, I liked that.

The "hints" that theres gonna be more involving her and the girls looks cool. Maybe I'll see em when marvel stops being shitty fuckers. (So likely online... for free. (; )

I wish Ezekiel didn't die in the end (he's super super dead lol) bc he was a cool villain! I really liked his character and he had a lot of potential! I wonder if that's gonna play a part in the upcoming series, like if he's somehow alive again (probably not). I might look up free scans of the comics later bc I really like Julia, shes so cute agdgdgd I mean I like them all but I like Julia's spider-sona the best

I liked the overall idea and plot, though the Las Arachas (I think that's how you spell it) scared the fucking shit out of me sgdgdgdggdgd I was like oh that's a cool legend, wonder if it's real. Have to look that up later. OH SHIT

Also glad they didn't kill the mom, I thought they did bc they didnt even like move Cassie closer when her mom was reaching for her??? Hello??? Asshole??

Also shout out to customer who called in the girl's sighting, even though it led Ezekiel to them, way to not be a bystander 🤙

Also nitpicky thing but I wish Cassie had given the girls a count when she taught them CPR, I remember we needed to count (1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4... or something) over and over when we learned it, or tell them to use the beat of Staying Alive (could've easily gotten the rights... then make a joke ab them not knowing that song bc haha Cassie old)

Mainly just wish they didnt kill him, like that would have been such a good "oh I'll be back. Just you wait" type villian! I mean I get it, he would stop at nothing to kill em but like come ooon

Anyway highly recommend seeing this... online ;] ;) bc marvel is shit

[shesay]

In my art history classes at uni my prof / other students keep saying sex worker instead of prostitute and i haaaate it I hate it prostitution is not "work" it is bad for women! Like somehow they think sex worker is more respectful than prostitute but like. it's not supposed to b derogatory. Calling them SWers it obscures the reality of the situation esp in a historical context and it pisses me off esp bc my prof clearly knows better but is responding to how the libfems in class talk :(

omg it must be hell being in that class 💯 yk i find it so funny how they’re like “sex worker is more respectful” respectful? Lmao these poor women and girls r getting raped 24/7 they’re completely stripped from any type of respect some prostitutes get locked in a brothel room where the the only thing they see is the nasty degenerate penis havers aka the johns liberal feminism is so performative makes me sick.

[sessrin]

As someone that never ever cared about ships and stuff and just see what the shows wanna tell me (tbh I usually try to distance myself from the shipping part of any fandom) I always thought: were did all this "dad!sesshomaru" people came from? Like, maybe in fanfictions, sure, but like canon Sesshomaru always hated humans and probably thought about Rin like some kind of puppy at the beginning and it wasnt until the final act and her SECOND death that he realized that rin was special to him and then just decides to make humand raise her. The thought of Sess thinking about rin as a daughter during their journey is so ooc for me lmao, people really think that the cold and human hating sesshomaru saw the little girl and went "I guess im your father now lmao" it really makes me think how low the bar for what a father is for fictional characters, like all what Sesshomaru did with her was protecting her when she was in danger or making sure she was safe during critical moments, because he thought about her as a daughter? Lmao no, it was because he was curious about her and about the fact that it was with her that he was ablo to use Tenseiga's powers for the first time. Sesshomaru probably passed 80% of the time thinking about how to be more powerfull/hunting Naraku sometimes and the remaining 20% thinking about why the hell did Tenseiga reacted like that for Rin while unconsciously getting attached to her and her shenanigans. With Rin happened the same, so many people claiming that Rin saw Sess as her father, while canon Rin still had nightmares about her own family for who knows how many months/years, even with that episode where she told that to Kohaku rumiko could easily make Rin saying something about the lines that Sess was like a Father to her but instead use it to show that Rin still missed her family and that that Fatherly/motherly space in her heart was never filled by Sess, so it was obvious that she never saw him as a Father (I always thought that she saw him as this weird spirit/hero that let her join him i his weird journey and Rin obviously went with him cuz that was more funny than being by her own).

The show never showed a familial bond nor a romantic one, it was just that there were lots of hints about Sess and FUTURE Rin developing something more but it was just that, a "maybe you and your father are too identical" that obviously hinted at the romantic aspect and thats why the ship exists this hard to begin with, like, if really sessrin was just a fanon thing only with 0 hints in the manga/anime then it wouldn't be this famous lmao.

What actually makes me sick is watching people antagonize both Rumiko and Sunrise for making a comeback just because it has things that they dont like, I never thought that the yashahime fandom would be like other famous fandoms were people start to cherry pick wath is canon and what it isn't just to justify their opinions lmao.

OH MY GOD YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THIS DAD!SESSH BULLSH*T

Like, it’s okay if you INTERPRET their relationship as such but like, that’s it, it’s only YOUR interpretation. I hate, HATE, HAAAATE the way the western fandom (more like, the AMERICAN fandom) tries to impose their headcanon on us. THERE’S NOT A SINGLE FRAME IN THE ANIME OR MANGA THAT SHOWS SESSHOMARU BEING A FATHER FIGURE. I’m sorry that these people had such awful dads tho. I mean, to think that sesshomaru acted like a dad..... damn.....

The canon material in the manga (I think the character’s profile) says that Sesshomaru took Rin because he was intrigued by her human nature. That’s it. He was like “uhm, what an interesting species. okay Jaken there you go, im out to kill naraku, bye!” 😂 Also, Rin is described as a vassal of Sesshomaru. VASSAL!

Anyway, I blame the english dub. I never watched a dub for inuyasha since I only read the manga and after that I watched the whole series subbed. But I KNOW how the dubs in north america tend to mess up with anime. Believe me, I’m a Cardcaptor Sakura fan and I’ve heard HORRIBLE things about what the dub did to that anime. And for what I’ve read, the inuyasha dub never got fully broadcasted there? so like, these people that see Sessh as Rin’s dad have only watched like, the same 10 episodes of the series (not even the Final Act) over and over again 🙄 Because honestly??? I don’t feel the same about the LATAM fandom. Actually, the LATAM fandom loves sessrin just as much as the japanese fandom does.

[cinnella]

Name: Eris Zaramoza (chosen name); Yin Abo (birth name)

Age: 26 years old

Sex: Female

Sexuality: Pansexual

Zodiac sign: Scorpio

Birthday: November 5th

Patron Arcana:

Death (Major); Queen of Cups (Minor)

Occupation: Magician and Shopkeeper; Former Necromancer

Height: 5'7" (1.71 m)

Weight: 64 kg (141 lbs)

Relatives:

Sethos Abo - older brother

Nuwa Abo - mother (deceased)

Kek Abo - father (deceased)

Xié Dongmei - aunt (deceased)

Origin: Born in Venterre, but grew up in Vesuvia

Race: Half chinese, half egyptian

Powers: Blue (astrology) and purple (divination) magic. Also has an affinity for controlling and summoning water

Intelligence Level: On a scale from 1 to 10, she's a 7

Backstory:

She was born in a small home in Venterre. Her father was already dead at the time of her birth, her brother only 5 years old and her mother deadly sick.

Only two days after her birth, her mom passed away, from the lack of proper medication. Sethos knew that she was way too young for him to take care of, so he tried to seek out their aunt, who lived on the other side of the city.

That night, he sat under a makeshift shelter with his baby sister, but he was so hungry that he had no other choice but to leave her there and try to find some food. Eventually, Yin started crying, which a passerby heard and when they found her, they took her with them.

Sethos was utterly crushed when he came back and she was gone... He tried to look for her, but he was so exhausted that he passed out in the middle of the street. Luckily, he was found by a woman with children and brought to her place.

When he had woken up, he explained his situation to her. The next morning, the woman helped him travel to his aunt's home. But by the time he got there and told her what happened to his sister and mother, Yin was already on a ship heading towards Vesuvia.

There, she was brought to an orphanage, in the South End, where multiple kids and babies from different places had been found, to be taken care of by people whom founded the building. She grew up a rather lonesome troublemaker. The caretakers were kind people, but the kids were mean. So she had no friends.

Soon enough, the adults had realized that most of the kids had no names, couldn't remember them or never knew them. So they took to liberty to name them, but because there were about 30 children and 15 adults, there was a lot of confusion and mis-naming.

They decided to teach the kids to read and write when they were old enough to understand the concepts, and on their 7th birthday, they'd choose their definitive name, something that they felt represented them.

And so, Yin Abo became Eris Zaramoza.

On that day, she met two kids that both looked younger than her. One was small and frail. Porcelain skin, black hair, mismatched eyes. Her name had been Saiya. The other was slightly taller than her. Umber skin, magenta eyes, jet black hair. The caretakers often called him Sykes. They were both known troublemakers and apparently, best friends.

They offered her to become friends and although she'd been sketchy about it, she agreed. They were her first friends, after all.

Years later, the three of them became inseparable and two new children joined their group, both of them noticeably younger. One had skin the color of limestone, ashy blond hair and silverish eyes. The other had dark espresso skin, curly chestnut hair and jade green eyes.

They were often referred to as "accidental troublemakers" because they did naughty things without even realizing it. These four kids became her kin, her family. For years upon years, the five of them brought migraines to the entirety of Vesuvia with their shenanigans. They were known as "the southenders".

The orphanage had a set rule. Despite the caretakers doing their best and raising the kids as their own, by the time Eris reached her adolescence, the amount of kids had doubled.

The set rule was that, once the kids would turn 17, they'd have to seek a home of their own. Eris is the eldest between her and her friends, so she had to leave first.

Heartbreaking as it was, they'd anticipated this for months. They'd made plans to try to find their roots. Upon talking with the adults, the one who'd found her so many years ago told her she'd been born in Venterre, near the west-coast.

After a couple of tear-filled fair-wells, she promised to visit from time to time, and then left to find her bloodrelatives. A couple of days later, looking through her instructions and map, she stood in front of an old, small house.

On the porch, a young man who looked to be in his early twenties, was seated there. She called to him, asking if he could help her out. When he looked up, shock was written on both of their faces.

He had grey-ish short hair and sapphire blue eyes. His skin was just a little bit lighter than hers, scars on his nose and lips. Same round nose, same almond eyes, same strong eyebrows. The resemblance was groundbreaking, almost like looking into a mirror.

Though she never met him, she knew, deep down, that they were related. He was utterly convinced he was dreaming but she reassured him he wasn't. They didn't hug, for they barely knew each other, but they both cried. She was invited in his home, where their aunt had been preparing dinner. Eris' presence brought her to tears.

In the next few hours, while they dined, she learned that their names were Sethos and Dongmei, and that they were her older brother and aunt, respectively. She learned of her parents and their unfortunate fate, of the night Sethos lost her.

It was a relief to learn all this, and although she wanted to head back to Vesuvia, to her friends and find a home, she spent a couple of days with them. Dongmei mentioned that she had an abandoned magic shop in Vesuvia from her youth, close to the center of the city. Giving Eris the key, she told her to make her home there.

Once back home, it was time for Count Lucio's yearly Masquerade. There, she met Asra, whom she soon became close with. When she learned that he was an orphan, and had no place to stay, she offered him to live with her in the shop. It needed some repairs and a lot of cleaning but it was a start.

Years passed and they became closer. Unspoken feelings hanging in the air, but something stopped them from confessing. The Red Plague had arrived and it was taking anyone it could grasp. Eris and Asra, while discussing the situation one night, had an argument.

In the years he'd taught her magic, she'd also taught herself necromancy and wanted to help the plague doctors with the dead, possibly reverse their fate. But Asra didn't agree, "magic isn't supposed to work that way" he said.

So she ran away, found Julian and became his apprentice.

Soon died from the plague...

And the rest is history.

Personality: curious, caring, bold, kind, polite, calm, patient, self-less, motherly, gentle, open-minded, truthful, loyal, trustworthy, out-spoken, honest, stubborn, too forgiving and can never hold grudges for long

Interesting facts:

The small scars on the right side of her jaw, left collarbone and left shoulder are all from fainting while trying to get back her memories. Every time, she had the unfortunate luck of hitting something and scarring her skin.

She has a huge scar on her left thigh but she doesn't remember how she got it.

She also has an "apple of discord" tattoo on her right shoulder.

God forbid you ever make her wear gold, she cannot stand it. She only wears silver.

Although she's an ambivert, she leans towards introvert.

Hates lying and liars in general.

HAAAATES Lavender. Do not put her near those flowers.

Appearance: Sienna skin tone, wavy waist-length silver-white hair, bright ice blue eyes, pear-shaped fit body, B cup breasts.

Familiar: Kage, a sarcastic silver fox that can actually talk.

Voice claim: Margot Robbie

Full sprite:

Lmao sorry for the backstory being so long but.. My inner writer kinda jumped out. 😅

ANYWAYS I FINALLY DID IT, I MADE ERIS' BIO AND SPRITE!!

By the way, HUGE PROPS to my lovely beyotch @sahana-anand for giving me her bio template, it helped me SO MUCH. Thank you, love, couldn't have done it without you!

Hope you'll show some love to my girl Eris!

[clulessmess]

ohhhhhh my fucking god.

I need to get around to making that neocities.

EDIT: um. Ok. Accidentally Posted a vent mid typing

I dont feel like retyping any of that so ill just edit this in the morning since its getting late

So yeah here i go free write venting sawry <3

Just gettin them (unfinished) feelings out

fyi recently decided to check out what neocities is abt after hearing friends gushing abt it n after scrolling around sites I got hyped n decided to make my own neocities after I realized this could possibly solve all my problems sdhkhkfgd

first of all,

............. not to bring this up for the 7848234th time but. yeah Im still having spiraling thoughts abt my girl + the AU. Yes, as I said earlier the intensity of those spirals have died down significantly. but unfortunately its still there, at the back of my mind. and uh oh!!!!!!!!!! unfortunately theres days where it spikes!!!! and frankly brothers i cant take these thoughts anymore,, i need a place to get the fuck away from social media 

I honestly feel thats the reason why I have these thoughts. I haaaate having to fucking overthink posting anything that could be percieved as cringe on my own fucking accounts to prevent the possibility that it could be the post could have me marked as a sort of “lolcow” or laughing stalk known to the internet. I haaaaate that when I have to talk to ppl, fuck even my own online friends, i haveta be walking eggshells via the irony mask and hide shit bc if i feel if i do i have justify my stance to not be seen as cringe!!!!!! I haaaaaaaaaate this fucking terminally online paranoia!!!!!!!!

and I know me saying “I need to get away from social media, im growing paralyzingly sick from my chronically online brainrot” and proceeding to still do this in an another online public space instead of just simply just stop posting abt Her + the AU and maybe even mass delete anything abt them if theyre doing nothing but causing me stress is a weird decision.... but ok.. hear me out

as a creative, the alternative (just mass deleting + stop posting)  is just.....feels so alienating? Like we all crave..an audience??? idk how to fucking explain it but we all like the idea of at least a few ppl liking our stuff? And despite all this headache,,, i still care her 🥺

the thought that this thing I care abt, that I made with my own two hands, that I cannot ever show that to anyone.... thats devestating

I think the reason I keep spiraling is that I feel there is no safe space for me to post abt this. Perhaps specifically fear of the wrong type of ppl catching wind of it.

The current online landscape is fucking hell. Irony poisoned n the standards are so high, ppl will not put up with mediocrity or cringe and they will be LOUD and clear about that.

Not even tumblr is safe.

Neocities though, from what ive seen its the fucking safe haven for self indulgence. Its not uncommon for ppl to have these things called "shrines", a small subwebsite within a website commonly used to just like. Infodump abt whatever thing they like, often obscure and maybe a little "cringe" (i dont mean this to insult them but like. Yknow what i mean right)

Additionally, I wont have to worry about the Wrong People" finding out abt me and My Bullshit. Or most anyone discovering me and My Bullshit. Being into neocities is kinda a "niche", most ppl dont know anything abt neocities asides from programming nerds rlly nostalgic for the old days of the internet!

If anyone for whatever reads this made it this far... Yep. I finally actually went through with the decision of deleting any trace of her off both my tumblrs. I will no longer be talking about her on tumblr unless until this game releases.

Its the perfect place to hide her for now....

Besides, ive been let go of the only job my incompetent ass could ever do but probably still fucked up anyways.  Think I need a fucking hobby that could maybe double as a skill so. Why not dust off what little programming stuff I know and expand upon in it in case my moms right and I cant rlly get my art career to pop off

Though... I guess the one downside for this is that while I hopefully wont be able to directly recieve hate about the AU...I dont think I will be able to recieve any possible love for it either.

As much as i hate to sound like some attentionwhore, and as much as i had a crippling fear of being found out by the Wrong People... there is a small inkling hope and..curiosity for people that might like it

Again, neocities isnt well known. The one upside to me posting my GLITCHED shit on tumblr is that this is prrobably? The only place where GLITCHED has an actual fanbase on tumblr, so i could like get engagement (ugh.... Hate phrasing it like that. Like im sort of numbers obsessed influencer. But i cant think of what else to call it. The possibility of the fans + the rare outsider interacting n being able to read nice or funny little notes), so I highly doubt anyone is going to think to click on the link to my Gina shrine since GLITCHED isnt well known either once I finish my neocities. Even if someone was curious enough to find my website + the shrine n wanted to express that they liked it, Neocities doesnt have a built in system where people can send messages to the creator.

I am going to post the link to my neocities, since well. I know that there is a small few who did like her (or just appreciated the passion i had).

[surveysonfleek]

774.

A How artistic are you? slightly. i have an eye for creativity but haven’t done anything in forever.

Do you want to go to Africa? i’ve technically been. just ot mauritius. i’d go back after i tick off other places on my list.

AC/DC or Aerosmith? neither.

Do you know what Armenia is? yes.

B What’s your beer of choice (if any)?  pear cider if i had to.

Do you know the title of Buffalo Springfield’s one-hit wonder? nope.

Do you have a brother? (Do you like it that way?) no. and yeah, i like it that way. i always remembered wanting a sister when i was younger and eventually got it haha.

Which bank do you use? stg.

C Which comedian do you most enjoy? i don’t have one fave.

Would you ever live in California? if i could afford it, hell yes.

Is it possible/likely that you’ll become a cat lady? no, i hate cats.

How many different countries have visited? around 20 maybe.

D Do you believe there’s a devil? possibly.

Does eating dessert often make you feel guilty? sometimes! it depends what it is.

Can you legally drive? yes.

What have you been diagnosed with (if you don’t mind sharing)? nothing.

E How often do you drink energy drinks? never. only if i’m crazy tired.

Where did you live when you were 11 years old? here.

Do you like the actor who played Edward Scissorhands in that movie? johnny depp? idk i’m indifferent about him. don’t really care.

Have you ever felt an earthquake? i feel like i have but wasn’t confirmed.

F When was the last time you saw your father one-on-one? a week and bit ago.

Do you think French is the most beautiful language? no, i’m actually not a fan of how it sounds.

Is Friday your favorite day of the week? not always.

Have you listened to Jimi’s song ‘Fire?’ nope.

G Do you have real gold jewelry? yes.

How often do you watch ‘Gossip Girl’? i followed it while it was on and finished it. never watched it again lol.

Is Google your homepage? yes.

Do you like Geico’s commercials? never seen one.

H When did you last feel happy? last night.

Do you prefer Hollister, Hot Topic, or H&M? h&m.

Did you dress up last Halloween? nope.

Would you voluntarily watch the History Channel? it depends what documentary was on. 

I Have you ever been on an island? yes.

Would you be able to locate Indonesia on a globe? yes.

Do you know if Iceland or Greenland has more ice? greenland does.

Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? nope.

J Do you enjoy jogging? no, i hate it.

On which instrument could you most easily play ‘Jingle Bells’? piano.

How much do you know about John Lennon? that he was shot.

Do you know how Jell-O is made? hmm not really? like from scratch that is.

K Have you tried Krispy Kreme doughnuts? (Was it love at first bite?) yes, i love it!!! i feel like they’ve progressively gotten smaller throughout the years though.

Are you very afraid of North Korea? not very afraid or anything. just mindful that they could fuck shit up.

How many pairs of khaki pants do you own? none.

Have you ever been a fan of the Killers? nope.

L Does it bother you when couples are lovey-dovey in public? no. unless there’s inappropriate groping i guess. 

Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? yes. i smoke.

In how many languages (besides English) can you count to 100? none lol.

What’s your favorite lollipop flavor? choc banana.

M Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? i mean, it’s possible. it just depends on one’s definition of miracle.

What do you think of shows like Maury and Jerry Springer? trash tv that i’d only watch if there was nothing else on lol.

Do you care that Mars (the candy co.) uses deadly animal testing? had no idea.

How did you form your opinion of marijuana? idk. i was taught about it, was super against it then i was around it. still not a fan.

N How often do you sleep naked? never.

Do you actually check the Nutrition Facts before eating something? sometimes.

Who is your favorite musical artist/band beginning with ‘N’? no one i can think of.

How nerdy are you (in what ways)? hmm i like reading, playing board games and watching documentaries i guess.

O What do you think about olives? i haaaate olives! it’s probably the only vegetable i hate.

Are you much of an outdoorsy person? not at all.

How big of an Oprah fan are you? i like her but i never really watched her show.

How often do you shop online? weekly.

P Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? it was okay. the after party was better.

How are your local policemen? i don’t see them around much tbh.

What is your ideal PB&J sandwich like? i don’t like pb&j.

What do you think of the movie ‘Pineapple Express’? i never finished it.

Q How true is the saying, ‘quitters never win and winners never quit’? eh, it’s true to an extent. but if i quit smoking does that mean i won’t win?

Do you prefer Quiznos or Subway and why? subway, never had quiznos.

Have you learned the quadratic formula yet? (Do you remember it?) yes but i don’t remember it. What is the one question you most want to ask someone and who? eh, nothing.

R How many rooms are in your home? too lazy to count.

Do you like raspberries? they’re okay, a bit too sour for me.

What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? umm nothing lol.

Have you actually read Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo & Juliet’? yes.

S Do you know any Sign Language? nope. What is your sleeping schedule generally like? i sleep around 4am and wake up before midday. i work nights, so yeah.

How well do you sing? not well. i wish i was good at singing :(

How often do you listen to 60-70’s music? never.

T What do you think of Twitter? it’s okay. something to read in the mornings.

How much do you value the Ten Commandments? not that much. i can’t even name half of them.

Are there many trees where you live? a couple.

How much taller/shorter do you wish to be? maybe a little taller but i’m fine with my height.

U Where do you usually buy your underwear? bonds.

How do you define ‘ugly’? someone arrogant and rude.

Do you like to shop at Urban Outfitters? i like looking through it but don’t always shop there.

V Would you like being described as ‘voluptuous’? haha it depends if it’s positive or negative.

For listening to music, do you like to crank up the volume or keep it calm? crank it up.

Do you ever watch the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show? nah.

Would you agree that ‘variety is the spice of life’? yes! it’s nice to have variety, i’d hate to do the same shit everyday.

W Are you currently on wireless Internet? yes.

Can you recall memories of learning how to whistle? not really.

Do you go to White Castle or just vicariously through ‘Harold & Kumar’? nope.

Have you gone to Washington, DC? Did you like it? (OR do you want to go?) yes. i love it! it’s really pretty there.

X Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? there was a lump on my wrist. it was fine, it went away on its own.

When it comes to ‘xoxo’, do you interpret ‘x’ as the hug or the kiss? kiss.

What does X stand for in Roman numerals? Can you write the previous number? 10.

Why do you think xylophones are only popular with young children? because they’re pleasant sounding and you can just smack it.

Y Can you explain the meaning of the yin-yang symbol? i think i know what it means but i’m not sure if it’s correct.

Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? younger. sick of getting carded.

Did you know that yawning is contagious?  everyone knows this lol.

Would you like a bottle of Yoo-Hoo or it’s not really your thing? idk what that is.

Z How many places’ zip codes do you know by heart? not many.

What comes to mind when I say ‘Zero to Hero’? hercules!

[moaccyrk]

Some of my favorite excerpts:

“Sometimes I worry about our cultural emphasis on alignment and agreement versus compassion. Meaning I worry that in the culture war, it’s all about being on the right side of the fight, and if you aren't? To hell with ya. Sometimes I worry that in call out culture, we have no idea what to do with "part 2" of the situation once the called-out genuinely wants to get better. We just want them to go away forever (which literally no one can do). Sometimes I worry people think their morality and what makes them good just depends on pointing at the bad people and saying they're bad. Sometimes I worry in a way where I have these grand outlandish thoughts where I want to look everyone in the eye and ask the provoking question: "Okay, if this country literally broke out into a race war, with minorities on one side and white people on the other, and there was fighting in the streets... What would you really do?" Sometimes I worry about the maelstrom of polarity and how it causes the "rational centrists" to end up mistaking abject philosophical hatred as "a side in a debate" against those merely expressing ire about a basic lack of civil rights. And thus the centrists end up sliding into the eye-rolling "both sides are wrong" conservative-leaning pit of doom like Laci Green. I worry about all these things, because in the end, they are about systems around me and what affects me. “

“[...] I remember a moment where I was going to watch a movie with someone (and for clarity purpose, they were not white) and there was a bunch of old screeners lying around and I picked up The Big Short and was like "hey, wanna watch this?" They took a quick look at the cover and went, "Eh, five white dudes. Not really into it." It wouldn't have occurred to me, but it just hit me so suddenly. It wasn't a dismissal. There was even the acknowledgment that it was probably good. It was simply disinterest. A disinterest that stemmed from this person having been fed these kinds of omnipresent white guy movies their entire life. It didn't matter that the film was a criticism of the worst of white guy culture, for it was already something they understood intrinsically, and thus they were interested in something more specific to their own cultural interests. It's pretty simple, actually.

But you will not believe how much this still blows the minds of Hollywood white people. The modern Hollywood person still thinks they're doing a good job because they make minority-focused films and think of them as niche (despite the constant evidence good films will blow up, like Get Out, Girls Trip, etc). But white films? White is for everyone! White is default!

*laughs maniacally*“

“White entertainment haaaates thinking of itself as niche, but it always really has been. And it is that acknowledgement that is the most important part. Not defensiveness, not feeling like we are bad, nor that the Coen's are bad for doing this. Just simple acknowledgment that it is what it is. For so long, white culture has had (and of course still does have) a lock on the direction of pop culture, and the time has simply come to tell better stories, more inclusive stories, or, in the very least, show awareness of an intersectional world. For instance, the other night I saw Spider-Man: Homecoming and while it's not the Miles Morales movie that many craved, it is, in the very least, a film that shows awareness of what modern day New York actually looks like. In that, it vastly changes our sense of what these characters should be (my favorite was Tony Revolori playing Flash). To that, we have to understand that the future of geekdom is going to look a lot more like Yuri On Ice than "Ironman 6."

So, Dear Hollywood: All the criticism you feel you are hearing is really more about disinterest. And the time of the white, default omniverse is going away.“

“Why do we think every movie has to have 100% consensus?

If you look at the very definition of intersectionality, you have to acknowledge that conflicting interests and needs are at the very heart of it. Thus, 100% consensus is a literally impossible. Sure, there are overlaps in what we all do, but it's mostly about acknowledging and owning the things that don't overlap and how it impacts all of our lives in different ways. It's acknowledging difference. So why do we think that a movie could somehow implicitly satisfy every condition of intersectionality? And more importantly, when someone is vocal about the ways that it does not, why do we then freak out?

I'll throw out an example. While I am irrevocably biased because I know Emily and Kumail, The Big Sick is considered pretty fantastic across the board, right? In terms of consensus, it has a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is absurdly high. Plus it taps into so many brilliant conversations about intersectional culture and does so with humor and insight. So anyone who must not like it or has some complaint with it must be insane! Because they're part of this 3% that just doesn't get it! Or they have some ulterior motive! They must be dismissed somehow! We need consensus!“

“So I will ask again, what does it mean to fix your heart?

It is not a switch that is flipped. It is the constant, pervasive, everyday choice to conscious. To be present. To try to be a good person, but if you fail? If I fuck up royally? That's the most important choice. To pick yourself up. To accept consequence. To do it again. And do it every day for real and better than before. And in that choice, the biggest need for compassion is not when you succeed, but when you fail. And once you make that hard choice? Well, the smaller ones become so much easier. For instance, the other week I was on twitter and a POC writer was talking about the very real struggles "to be perfect" within the industry. In an attempt at supporting them, I jumped in with the obvious knowledge about how us white guys get a million second chances! Isn't that not fair!!? Aren't I showing my awareness?! I'm helping this conversation somehow!

But a twitter follower responded about how the person was trying to talk about their struggles and I butted in to make it about something else related to my dynamic and in the end, "it's not a good look." My first instinct to defend myself. I didn't mean it! I was agreeing! I was talking about the system and being critical of myself! I'm getting at the system! Etc. But I wasn't listening to the person or projecting their voice or understanding of the system, I was just making it about me. Especially when simple RT of the persons thread or show of support would likely do so much more. Because I've learned ally-ship isn't about rushing in and saying "I agree and here's more!" Sometimes it's just about listening and amplifying. So I just said oh shoot and apologized and everyone was like "cool, all good." That's literally it. And I got to understand a new wrinkle. But it was so much easier for me to understand in this specific moment because I wasn't being defensive, I just had to make the hard choice first to understand it wasn't about me.“

[zolganif]

i’d like to think i have a good head on my shoulders. i put my whole heart into everything. i’ve been close to getting caught for doing something i wasn’t supposed to tonight. i thought that i wanted something then when i got it, turns out it made everything worse. i hate when someone tells you they will text you and they never do.<------Only when its important! it takes me a little while to warm up to someone. Kat Williams is the only comedian i really give two shits for. i hate leaving things on bad terms. trust and communication are the most important things to me in a relationship. if i’m going to be in a relationship with someone they have to have a sense of humor. facebook is starting to wear on my nerves, yet i still go on it the same amount as i usually do. i have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life, but i want to be able to help people and see it. someone has recently told me they miss me and really want to see me. i wore boots today. i rented a few movies earlier today to watch within the next couple of days. i’ve said something and then after saying it out loud realized how stupid it really sounded and just laughed. i absolutely love having really good conversations with people. the last thing that i touched other than my keyboard was my cell phone. i have plans with someone for this coming weekend and i’m really excited for them! i actually was able to sleep in and very well last night, win. i’m not good at trying to multitask, i can’t give my undivided attention to more than one thing at a time. i’ve come to realise i’m really loud, but it’s not intentional. i just am. and i don’t like it. people don’t call me by my first name, i’ve always been called by a nickname since i was little. i don’t save surveys to notepad or anything like that, i go through subscriptions, find one then fill it out. repeat process. whenever i start crying my nose starts running. it sucks. i hate the fact that i literally light up whenever see you, and i can’t even help it. i’ve decided that i’m giving up on this one specific person, i don’t feel like dealing with this shit anymore. feelings wear me out, they take soo much out of me. i hate when you’re texting someone and they don’t seem to put any effort into the conversation. there’s one person who i absolutely loooove to get hugs from. i use a specific brand type of shampoo and conditioner, i won’t use any other type. i loooove the smell of old spice for men over any other men’s deodorant. i think it’s cute when guys can pull of facial scruff, but i don’t like facial hair more than that. i don’t think girls should be more than toned, i think it’s weird when girls have 6 packs like guys and stuff. i feel really bad when something happens to someone and i don’t know what i can do to help them. none of my best friends that are girls have their virginity anymore, but some of my guy friends actually do. cheesy fries from outback are a gift from god made in heaven, i’m so serious. someone has said something so sweet today that it actually had me tearing up. there is a CD that i’m waiting to be released right now. i hate hate hate guys who are so full of themselves and have their head shoved so far up their ass that it’s pathetic. i’m constantly looking in the mirror fixing at things so that i don’t look a mess. one of my friend’s parents and me don’t get along at allllll. i hate the feeling of being discontent, and there’s nothing you yourself can do to fix it. i’ve never been on a real cruise before like to different islands and shit like that. i don’t think i’ll ever get sick of watching the movie Pretty Woman, it’s easily one of my favorites. i love a guy who is sweet and funny. one of my pets has soooo much personality it’s wild. i love when you find people who you really click with right from the beginning. i think it’s funny when people get really animated when talking about things. i can only speak english, i don’t think i’m capable of being able to pick up another language. i’ve met someone who has one of those rare personalities the type that make them impossible to forget. some things will at certain times annoy me to no end and other times won’t at all. animal abuse breaks my heart. i haven’t used any IM chatting things in a loooooong time. i wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings, i think that is so mean. i get mugged a whole lot by people, especially girls. it just makes me laugh now. i don’t know if i come off the wrong way, but everyone who knows me says i’m a sweetheart. i do the quizzes in magazines in my head if i don’t buy them, but if i do i fill it out in the books obviously. someone who was in my life growing up i’ve realised really made a difference in my life. there are people who used to mean so much to me who aren’t in my life anymore, but i won’t try and fix something when it’s not possible to do so. i like talking to my mum about things. i’ve learned to pick and choose what i will tell people, because i’ve learned you can’t trust telling everything to one person. i absolutely haaaate when people try to pry. i don’t like people being all up in my business, fall back. it bothers me to no end when you have something you need to talk to someone about but other people won’t take a hint to leave. i don’t like being mean to people, it takes a lot to get me to the point where i stop caring.