#girl i am fighting demons
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“if there was anyone to ever get through this life with their heart still intact they didn’t do it right” andrew i’m trying to escape seasonal depression don’t do this to me rn
#/lh but#girl i am fighting demons#i live in canada we are still getting snow blizzards i’m miserable okay#update: it is RAINING today and not snowing 😁#eat your young#all things end#hozier#maya.txt
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bad cold vs nightquil vs monster energy vs half a pizza and an arizona tea
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もう一回、もう一回
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#jjk art#fushiguro megumi#yuji itadori#itafushi#ryoumen sukuna#megumi fushiguro#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#gomen its hina posts self indulgent art hours#this is fr me first and foremost. any1 else liking it is just a bonus in my eyes#i may not be able to animate but i am so happy with these regardless i think they turned out great :') treat fr Me#rolling girl megumi u mean so much 2 me suddenly#fun fact ! actually the first vocaloid song i ever listened to. stumbled across an audio post on this very tumblr dot com#and it forever changed the course of my taste in music#so it alr has a soft spot in my heart fr tht reason but Also the lyrics Also th whole deal w wowaka and Now w megumi.....#rolling girl u have become too powerful#anyway in th context of canon n megumi choosing to live i am choosing to interpret the song the less depressing way#where the boy represents a saving grace rather than being a personification of miku's char's demons convincing her to end it#n the ending being her deciding to stop fighting on her own n instead accept help from those around her#but i did also want to pay homage 2 the interpretation of him representing her inner demons#so i have redraws of both yuuji And sukuna as the boy#choose ur own adventure if u will#clutches heart why does it fit so WELL what cosmic force decided tht miku and jjk should overlap at all i just wanna talk#clearly something has it out fr me
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This may sound hyperbolic. But if this reboot happens it will be worse than 9/11.
#literally just make up a new show abt a girl who fights demons#buffy is good and let’s keep it that way#btvs#buffy#buffy the vampire slayer#buffy reboot#btvs reboot#buffyverse#Hulu I am on my hands and knees begging rn
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A magical girl design I came up with the other day. This is kind of personal but the idea of her came to me when I was listening to a song that very strongly reminded me of something not so great that happened during my teenage years, and I noticed a very distinctive shift in my mental state, and I thought "what if a magical girl transformation happened in a similar manner, by being reminded of a past event?" While the subject has been explored in magical girl works, I am still fascinated by the idea. So here is "the Queen of the Night".
#magical girl oc#I am compelled by the idea that I could write my own psychoanalysis journey into a work like this#magical girl persona as the representation of the supressed side of the protagonist - fighting the demons of her own mind
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mac always sunny probably really loved Supernatural.
not in like a tumblr superhell gay way
he unironically would have been into that shit
#mac always sunny#mac mcdonald#i am right#show with no girls where vaguely homoerotic men fight demons in leather jackets#with no critical thinking at all mac would be like yes this is badass catholic Approved#and not gay in the slightest of me#exactly none of the rest of the gang can tolerate it#(later on he loves it in a gay way additionally)#(but still with no superhell irony at all)
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every time a female character in a male written anime/manga decides to quit fighting or being a “tomboy” for a shitty boring male protagonist, another far right incel is born
#yeah i do mean sango from inuyasha#you’re telling me she decided she wasn’t gonna fight at all anymore OR lead the rebuilding effort and become chief of the demon slayers#???#or ‘oh you’re telling me this cool badass girl that used to do whatever the fuck she wanted without caring what people thought#decided to finally grow out her hair and wear dresses and have a more soft spoken quiet personality#to ‘rediscover her femininity’ only now to FINALLY get the attention of and be perfect for some bland asshole guy???#I SWEAR TO GOD if i have to hear another female love interest talk about how she has to learn how to fucking#sit on the sidelines and endure neglect and an absentee lover#because ‘his duty/job is too important’ and ‘i knew this is what it meant to love him but i will anyways’#OR FUCKING WORSE#‘i can’t tell him my very obvious feelings for him because it might distract him from his Very Important Warrior Development Where He Fights#To Save Lives because it would Burden him AND he probably doesn’t feel the same way#i am going to FUCKING SHIT ALL OVER THE WRITERS’ HOUSES#STOP only writing women as support#STOP only defining them by their sex appeal or attraction to/for a male character#it’s STUPID and it makes me HATE THEM#STOP turning badass fighters into stay at home moms and housewives#LET THEM FUCKING BE BOTH#inuyasha#shonen#shonen manga#shonen anime#tbh i could name tons more specific examples but i don’t care enough about those poorly written shows to get into discourse lmao#and by inuyasha i specifically mean yashahime or the series now that Rumiko isn’t writing it anymore#weeb speak
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the way i said "i really like girls" to myself outloud and had to immediatly rectify myself by saying NO THE SONG- literally fighting my inner demons <3
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okay i haven't eaten or slept in 4 days im taking nyquil bye everyone
#for the record i am also ill but I'd be lying if i said I wasn't also just looking for an excuse to take nyquil again#this is why i can't drink alcohol or energy drinks or anything like that#i can literally develop addictions to the most random shit like girl what is this. anyway#pleeeease let me get a full nights sleep please you're my only hope. gotta fight the mental illness demons in there#this is just like when o/fmd finale aired while i was in the hospital and they made me take xanax#(unrelated to o/fmd)#day of all time. no ok seriously good night#addiction mention#drugs mention#ask to tag 00000000
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And what relevancy do you have to the narrative?
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i've seen a misinterpretation of the caption on my dollhouse piece and like. i'm not upset about the misinterpretation but i do wanna clarify:
the "false sense of security" does not mean homura is intentionally causing harm to anyone (aside from the incubators). the world she created is fragile and was forged out of a desperation to protect those she loves, even if it means they'll all end up resenting her for her actions. any sense of normalcy or security they have while in homura's new world is literally false in that it's the result of memory manipulation, and the foundation of her world is on the brink of collapse at all times.
i fuckin love homura for all her flaws and bad decisions. i do not at all subscribe to the idea that she's evil in any sense of the word, but i also don't think she "had" to rewrite the universe in her own image, yknow? there were plenty of other ways she coulda protected madoka from the incubators' influence post-rebellion. the reason why she threw away her only chance at true happiness was because she had been pushed to her absolute limit during rebellion and was in no state of mind to be making good decisions
#pmmm#the rebellion story#akemi homura#not art#(putting this in main tags bc i looooove pushing my correct agendas)#i have an au i've been developing for like 2 years where homura doesn't become a demon and instead lets madoka do her thang#madoka loves homura so much. and homura is so important to madoka being able to take the form of a god in the first place#she would've promoted homu to a knight-like status in the law of the cycle let's be fuckin real !#like she would've been able to continue protecting madoka from the incubators even if she hadn't stolen madoka's powers#i really don't think that's up for debate. homura did not *have* to become a demon at the end of rebellion.#but it also having homura completely chill out and go oh i'm normal now hi madoka i don't have mental illness anymore#is Completely unrealistic. homura was literally fighting against her friends to commit suicide. they were preventing her self harm.#the 'happiness' we see in homura post-demonification was hollow. she had absolutely nothing left so she might as well laugh#idk how to end this rant i just like mentally ill homos. bc i am a mentally ill homo#and it annoys me to see ppl reduce homura's actions to either 'evil' or 'well it had to be done'#bitches hate to see traumatized girls be complex 🙄
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Observing Adam
Where I go way too deep into something that probably isn't that deep. It's long, it's long as hell.
Okay, so you'd think with how Adam talks he's just a typical misogynist, right?
This man worships pussy. So much so, he's named a whole ass angel, one of his best, Vagina. You'd say that he objectifies them and thinks of them as being lesser, but I don't think that's the whole story. In fact, I think he might be the original simp.
All of these exorcists so far have been women. All of them. He refers to them as ladies or bitches interchangeably, he sees them as being completely capable of absolutely decimating leagues of some of the most vile beings who have ever existed, and they have, to the point it was only after thousands of years that there's been a risk to this hierarchy.
He's a self-centered, egotistical, loud-mouthed, arrogant asshole, no doubt about it, but I'm beginning to suspect something now.
If Adam and Lilith were created from the same dust, if they were created as equals, I am more than willing to bet... Lilith is also a self-centered, egotistical, arrogant asshole. But, she's likely far more intelligent, composed, and duplicitous.
Lilith was allowed to refuse Adam and leave of her own free will and garnered her own independence. A new wife was created for Adam, she was replaced. My guess, is she thought Adam wouldn't be able to live without her, to come back and find herself replaced entirely, she was enraged.
I believe both Adam and Lilith were both incredibly dominant individuals who fought over ideas, thoughts, and ultimately in the bedroom as well, if we take into account the creationist stories.
I'm willing to bet she likely manipulated Lucifer into twisting humanity against its original concept. What if Lucifer's intention truly was to just spark something within Eve, like independence and thought and creation, but it was Lilith's poison within the fruit that tainted her, then subsequently Adam, with sin.
Lilith thrived in hell, while Lucifer's dreams of creation were dashed. She didn't suffer as he did, instead the power of her voice grew with hell. Her voice grew so powerful that heaven found it to be a threat, her actions instigated the beginning of exterminations.
Charlie said that when she was a little girl, she didn't know Lucifer at all. I don't think this was because of Lucifer, he's seen here, picking her up, inviting her to share in his thoughts and dreams, showing her something wonderful. Something she could see within herself.
Charlie says that it's this moment that sparked her will to fight for her dreams. Which is strange, because at the very beginning of the story, Charlie says it was her mother's dream that was passed down to her.
Lilith took Charlie away. In this scene, Lucifer wasn't done showing Charlie his thoughts and dreams, he's still yearning to show his daughter these things at this point.
Lucifer loves his daughter. He loves Charlie so, so, so much. So why wasn't he allowed to build a relationship with his daughter for the longest time? He was waiting for the opportunity to get to know her, but with how much he adores her why didn't he do it sooner? He didn't comment on 'It took you a while-' he just said he missed her smile. They don't want to be pulled apart, again.
Now, we know Vivziepop has said that Lucifer and Lilith love each other, but Lilith 'wears the pants' in the relationship. We see all of the pictures all over the walls of a supposedly happy family. I don't think the relationship was as loving as originally portrayed and Lilith is a woman who desires control above all else. She likely tried to mitigate what influence Lucifer had over their daughter when she thought his angelic thoughts and behaviors became more than what she approved of.
Lets take it back to Adam and Lute for a moment. Again, Adam is a loud mouthed idiot, he's a jerk. The moment he realizes there are demons in heaven, he's ready to go on the attack. It's only because of Lute that he didn't end up doing something absolutely idiotic.
I gotta say, Lute and Adam's relationship is an absolutely fascinating one. He's a disrespectful dick head in how he talks, but how he acts is a different story. He allows Lute to man-handle him. He does listen to her, even if he's a whiny bitch about it.
Look at him, this is the face of a man listening, a dumb one, but a dude listening all the same. He doesn't manhandle her back, he doesn't even pull away until she lets go of his collar. Of all the shit he complained about, between being grabbed and being told what to do, his biggest complaint is that she's telling him to shush.
We know that Adam is the one who suggested the exterminations to begin with, so Sera says, and this was because of the power that Lilith was amassing. To him, Lilith is a threat. Even when he was willing to move on, to go to another wife when Lilith didn't want him or want to submit to him (fair babe, he's a bit of an idiot), she came back with an angel and proceeded to manipulate his new wife Eve. This is the supposed progenitor of man-kind, the original dick (hilariously enough), the reason civilization even exists at all. He and Eve had to fight for their lives after being tempted with the fruit. They had immortality, they had no ideas of shame, they were supposedly 'innocent' creatures before Lilith and Lucifer came along. He and Eve had to fight tooth and nail to survive after being cast from Eden. I think it shows in how willing and ready he is to take lead and do what he believes needs to be done, now out of a need for entertainment rather than a need to defend or protect. But, he still stopped to listen to Lute's advice. In the mythological story of Adam and Eve, Adam is the one who has to tell Eve that god said don't eat the fruit. Eve never heard god speak to her, so she was vulnerable to the snake's manipulations. She will now die because she ate it, and because she did not want Adam to take another wife, convinced him to eat it unknowingly. Funnily enough, Adam tried to explain to god that 'she lied to me and gave me the fruit' and in this actual mythology, Adam was punished for listening to his wife. Even without mentioning Lilith in the original mythology, Eve didn't want Adam to take another wife, so when we consider it within the context of Hazbin Hotel, it may be likely that's how it went down. Eve knew of Lilith, knew that she could be replaced, and decided that she would take Adam with her.
I believe that Adam does and did rely on the women in his life to help him with direction. I think Adam knows he can be an idiot and is willing to listen, even if he doesn't agree with what he's hearing. He did listen to Charlie in the beginning, he just didn't believe in her, like everyone else and he, out of anyone there, probably had the most reason not to. Cain and Abel were his and Eve's sons, his own child became the first murderer. Out of jealousy, the same kind of jealousy that no doubt has caused Lilith to act how she did. Adam isn't going to have empathy for sinners. His family, his legacy, were filled with the original sinners. He probably had to kill his son Cain in hell during the first exterminations. What do you think he would have had to feel, if it came to be a fact that sinners could be redeemed? That maybe his son, could've been redeemed? Or any of his progeny for that matter? How did it feel when his sons, his progeny, weren't given the same mercy as the Hellborn that Lucifer managed to keep protected through some deal with the angels or god? Not to mention that Charlie could've been his daughter. Charlie is the product of the people who completely and totally destroyed the paradise he'd been born into. She's the daughter who is protected and immune from the slaughter while all of his sons and daughters are judged and killed. I believe, even though he was a dickish prankster to Charlie, he was surprisingly patient and even somewhat amicable, willing to even ask her how her weekend was like he was just trying to get to know her.
Adam could just see all of the angels under his employ as being disposable. He doesn't have to name them, or think about them in any individual fashion. But, he knows Vaggie, recognized her instantly. Thought she was badass. Lute's the one who saw her, tore her wings off, and walked away. I'm surprised they even let her live, because this just goes against everything they're doing. They're an army and they saw one of their own showing empathy to the enemy.
Look at this dumb ass. He's being a shit-head, a dick, a bastard. But, he admires Vaggie's ability to pull Charlie, congratulates her, this dude isn't even judging her for being a lesbian. I don't think it's because he objectifies women, this dude loves women, he just does. He respects fellow vagina lovers. I don't think he respects liars in the slightest though. He's being underhanded, he's trying to be manipulative (he's not very good at it). I think he's brutally open and honest about everything and that's probably one of the reasons he's such a bastard anyways, because sometimes you just need to shut-up and he's not good at that.
I don't think he respects Sera for that either, he's more than willing to let others know what the hell he's doing, but under Sera's lead, he can't be open about it. I don't think it's his jam to act this way, it's why he sucks so bad at it and I think that's why Lilith is so antithetical to him. I also think that's why he's possibly even being manipulated.
It's kind of crazy that Adam is the only one who tries to come up with what allows someone to get into heaven. So here's his list: 1. Act Selfless: Maybe at one point he was! He had to have been, to be one of the progenitors of mankind, he would have had to work, sacrifice, and give to his wife and children for them all to survive. Eve would have had to do the same, no doubt. He may not seem selfless, due to his raunchy behavior, but he's served heaven since he's been there. He's served humanity in some kind of facet. 2. Don't Steal: Considering the only other humans are his spawn, he likely had to try and get them to not steal from one another for them all to have an equal opportunity of survival. He and Eve likely both knew they would need to work together to survive.
3. Stick it to the man: This, however, is interesting. Who is 'The Man' he speaks of? God? The only other people over him or were equal to him were women. He speaks like a rocker, and I think in this case he's using the term 'The Man' in a gender neutral way. I think he allowed some amount of Authority to Lilith when they were supposed to be seen as equals, it comes so naturally to him as a character when it comes to the other women he's been interacting with. I think she is the 'man' that he's been sticking it to- Pun somewhat intended. ((This third one may also simply be a tongue in cheek reference to when Alex Brightman played Dewey in School of Rock on Broadway! Thank you to the user who brought this to my attention!))
Adam is a bit of a hypocrite, isn't he? He likes to fuck, he's made that abundantly clear. Full of lust you could say. It was his original purpose after all, and he is judging Angel Dust for something he probably would've done himself at one point or has considered doing (maybe not the having sex with men part). Angel Dust does all of these things, Adam doesn't even deny it. He even looks nervous. He's angry, but doesn't deny that Angel has done those things. He doesn't explain it away or try to lie or move the goal posts, he's just asking what is an actually very valid question.
Why isn't Angel Dust there if he can do things equal to what Adam himself hasn't done? Serenity continues that line of thought. It isn't until Charlie is realizing no one knows what it takes to get into heaven.
Adam is more than willing to let Lute take the lead here, he's willing to give her the stage to clap back, he's giving her back-up antics. By all means, they could be pushing and fighting one another, there could easily be body language expressing something other than their general comfort around one another. They aren't fighting for a spotlight like you'd expect Adam to try and do considering his egotistical attitude.
Adam fucking sucks at keeping his mouth shut and he sucks at lying. He nearly blew the secret out of the bag once, this time, Sera is the only one who tries to stop him and to be honest? Lute looks a bit too thrilled at it. He knows he fucked up, but he doesn't think it's a big deal that anyone would know. For fucks sake, they've already condemned souls, his progeny, to suffer. What's the big deal if he kills them?
I have to re-iterate what's happening here. Charlie is proud she caused this chaos, that she caused these angels to fight amongst themselves, even if in this case it's a good thing. But, this is like history repeating itself to Adam, the reflection of his ex-wife, entering his domain, causing strife among his people, being happy about it.
And the venom he expresses when it comes to the 'liar' portion, god Alex Brightman destroyed when he got to this portion specifically. There is some vehement disgust in his tone when he says liar.
Adam isn't a good person now. But, I think he used to be a good person. By all means, Adam himself could've been the first murderer when his wife made her mistake. He, at one point in time, had to have been good enough to foster civilization itself with Eve. Both good and bad. Adam's original purpose was to be fruitful and multiply. Ordained by god (or maybe just angels) himself, divine power directed and created him to fuck. He didn't chase his ex-wife down, he was given a new one, Lilith was allowed to leave. When he left things alone, when he tried to move on, his ex-wife and a scorned angel destroyed the paradise he was in with Eve. He had to struggle and toil, he had to feel shame in his own body. He had to find out his first born son was the first murderer. His second son killed. We don't know if this is going to be canon in the story, a lot has changed, and if Adam is the first soul who reached heaven, then what did happen to Abel? Was Abel considered a sinner? Or did Cain kill Abel after Adam had passed? Either way, he had to witness his children kill, he had to watch his descendants behave in a range from saints and monsters. He's seen genocides, he's seen famine, war. Adam is desensitized to the plights of his descendants. Maybe he even saw it as a duty to cleanse the universe of their existence at one point, because they were his responsibility.
At the end of this episode, he is properly scolded by Sera and does seem ashamed of himself. He isn't huffy, he is reminded that he should be ashamed of acting that way.
I love Lute's enthusiasm, she's absolutely brutal when talking about Vaggie and with how she handled Vaggie. I think it's funny that Lute is so brutal she's even made Adam uncomfortable. It's cute that he's made uncomfortable by the excitement and all he does is tell Lute, the premier hype woman over here, to chill. She's so proud of herself too, look at her.
He fully expects these exorcist bad bitches to go in there and fuck shit up. But, you know it's hilarious that he's throwing horns? This dude, this angel. First human soul in heaven, loving rock n' roll, the devil's music, and throwing motherfucking horns. It's poetic really. I think we can probably assume where things are going.
Now, this is the first point we've seen Adam being a real piece of shit to Lute. I don't think Adam likes it when people think he's too dumb to notice something, especially something so damn obvious. This is such a drastic moment of vitriolic, uncontrolled anger directed towards Lute. Adam knows he isn't the brightest tool in the shed. He likely knows he's obtuse and misses shit. It's why he sucks at lying, he knows he's not smart. That is why I think he's afforded women opportunities to direct him without fighting back against their advice and their choices. I'm sure Lilith made it obvious how dumb she thinks Adam is. I'm wondering if this might be where their ground breaking fight might've come from. Who's to say he didn't allow Lilith to take the lead, or listen to her like he's done with Lute here and now? Perhaps to an even greater point? He listened to Eve and ate from the fruit of knowledge and he was punished for it. Being seen as so dumb he can't formulate a simple fact is a sore spot for him.
Adam is incredibly powerful. It took a bit out of him to exercise that power, probably because he's out of practice just like Lucifer said. At one point, he probably wasn't so sloppy and weak willed. He's gotten lazy. Sloth like.
I think it got real personal here. How viscerally and personally he attacked Charlie. No one but Charlie truly thought sinners could be redeemed, or that they were even worth it. Not even one of the original sinners. Maybe he never considered the possibility, maybe what happened really did make him see the world as black and white to cope with that happened to him, his wife, his children. Charlie's desire to fight this idea would destroy the foundation for all of his coping through the years. He stopped seeing them as family, even though he's grandiose about his founding role in humanity. Does that itch the guilt that may lurk under the surface?
I don't think Adam thought much of Charlie at all. I don't think he had any intention of coming to kill her in the beginning, despite seeing her, despite who her parents were. But, I think with the constant push, with how eager she was to disrupt the pre-conceived idea of order, it reminded Adam and reflected her parents so much, he was eager to kill her for revenge against them. I think this electrical interference on the mask is a direct reflection of sin. Namely, wrath, in this moment.
Now, this. THIS. Is something that made me want to write this whole fucking essay. Is Lucifer implying that he not only gave Eve the Fruit from the tree of knowledge, but FUCKED HER TOO? Homies, I'm sorry but holy shit. That is some hydrating tea. I'd be pretty pissed too, fucked over twice by women who were supposed to be literal soul mates, who you were made for, who were made for you?
I knew he would have a goatee, I could almost hear it. I gotta say, I'm a sucker for how he looks. I think he's hot. He is a bastard, but so are a lot of the hot dudes in this show. It's just a theme.
This exact series of lines prompted so many of the thoughts that I had about Adam and why he thinks or acts the way he does. At one point, Adam did have to work himself to the bone and learn to survive from scratch alongside Eve. He isn't entirely without cause to not think that he deserves some respect or recognition from his descendants.
But, that doesn't give him the right to act like god himself. It's... well... Blasphemous. Isn't it? One of the worst sins is to think yourself to be worthy of worship, as if you're a god.
This is the moment that gave me empathy for them both. You could probably see the kind of loving person Adam could have been at one point with how he looks at Lute, even as he's laying there, dying. He's not crying like a bitch, just looking at Lute softly. Lute screaming for him, screaming his name. They cared for each other deeply.
And this... and this.... and this. WHAT DEAL DID YOU MAKE, LILITH? Did you make it with Sera? Did you make it with Adam? Did you make it with Lute? Did you really just want a little 'vacay' away from the hell you helped create? Left her husband, depressed and lonely. Left her daughter without any care or guidance. Maybe Alastor was sent in her place, perhaps? Seven years since he was seen after all, but why wouldn't he show up sooner if Lilith did care? Did she make a deal with Lute and Adam? Did she let Adam smash it so she could stay in heaven? Did Lute let her stay in exchange for getting Adam out of a position of power? Or was it maybe Sera who commissioned Lilith with a deal? Either way, I'm in full belief that it wasn't Adam's idea to move the extermination day up. I think he's a patsy, a scapegoat. I think Lute may have been manipulated, potentially, into manipulating Adam into this position. Was it even really Adam who came up with the idea to do the exterminations? Or was he the one who simply decided to fight originally because he was told heaven was at risk due to Lilith's rising power? The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions. I think it could be any number of these. Either way, Lute certainly does think she had authority over Lilith. Is it Lute just having hubris? Or is Lilith truly bound, just like Alastor, Husk, and Angel Dust?
Of course, now that we know a soul can be redeemed... and we certainly know that angels can fall. I don't think this will be the last we see of Adam.
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel spoilers#adam hazbin hotel#lucifer hazbin hotel#lucifer morningstar#eve hazbin hotel#lilith hazbin hotel#lilith morningstar#character study
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#romance 101#namsoo#i relate to her#i love my planner#but i still am running against the time#girls when fighting with demons and the demons are the activities that you planned#romance webtoon#webtoon
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sometimes a girl with whimsy is also good at politics even when she sees the officials threatened by her just being That Good when she's just trying to survive and wishes to tell them to join the war themselves if they're that scared of her and she can be left alone
born to play music and chill, forced to fight for her life against demons and bureaucrats
#ama plays pwotr#ama mumbles#my girl listening to lann and daeran 'you have no idea how much i want to go with one of your ideas. but if i did we would starve.'#for context this isn't like a war against a rivaling kingdom and all that political stuff#they're literally just fighting demons who will slaughter en masse literally everyone else if theyre not dealt with#and she was just a civilian trying to not be killed that the queen herself decided to make a figure head#shes a bard! literally in no way warranted to become a general other than that she got some weird powers that ppl think are from god#i think this is what inquisition writers wanted me to in character feel during the council but i didn't#also i the player am not annoyed but i can definitely see her being annoyed. like they Just reclaimed a lost outpost#'maybe i should go back to my chaotic ways instead of just being good. that will bring me peace i think.'
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I am just in so much pain today, no art. Just me, going thru it all
#z rambles#fighting all my demons today < stomache and sleep deprivation#i really do blame it all on the three mango i ate this morning at like 5am#ive never had this painful of a stomache since. middle school like its so#is this how period havers feel? everytine i get a stomache im like oh god bless to period havers#i am not the most empatheric bitch on planet earth but i feel for yall. especially todsy cuz why is someone stabbing me with forks#sleep deprivation isnt much of an issue when youre in constant pain girl
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ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)
SO these I should start on asap:
50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make
100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week
150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)
200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)
these can wait longer:
300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect
500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)
1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks
2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.
Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese
here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)
How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks
I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.
that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.
the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.
On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started
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