#girl he's going thru an emotional rollercoaster

[callfordyke]

if i say that i have mixed feelings towards house md 6x22. then what.

[thatsdemko]

falling in love again - p.gasly & c.leclerc

masterlist

requested: y

pairings: Pierre gasly x fem!reader & charles leclerc x fem!reader

warnings: mentions of cheating + anxious thoughts + established relationship + love triangle +mentions of affairs

a/n: boy oh boy has this been a challenge for me to write. six drafts later and this is the final product! and yes there will be a part two! there was a second part to the ask that’s not yet complete! ☺️ also a Pierre girl thru and thru 🫡 so this PAINED me to write. would really appreciate some feedback on this xx

weddings are supposed to be happy occasions. the joining of two people coming together as one. the day every little girl dreams of, has finally come for you.

except it’s not a beautiful dream. it’s far worse.

for the past six months of your engagement, the man who once brought you so much joy and happiness no longer gave you that same excitement. you blamed the cold feet, anxieties, and stress of planning the wedding, but the moment has finally come and you still feel that way.

Pierre gasly, is your fiancé and the most perfect man on all paper and of any girls dreams. he’s kind, sweet, caring, and so beyond loving you swear you don’t deserve him. and truth be told, he doesn’t deserve you. he doesn’t deserve a wife who won’t love him the same that he feels.

matter of fact, since the beginning of the engagement your eyes began to fall towards a particular groomsman— the best man may you add, charles leclerc. you never noticed him right in front of you all this time until it was too late.

charles was the other man, and probably the worst friend ever, because for six months he was the reason you arrived home late, you held off on picking a date, and took away all your fears. he’s the man you so badly want to be walking down the aisle to, but he’s not.

charles has convinced himself he’s okay with it. in fact, he’s more worried you’ll say ‘I do’ instead of I don’t because he knows for a fact you don’t love Pierre. at least not anymore.

he knocks quietly on your door of the church. the music is faint but the over excited giggling from your bridesmaids fills his ears. he’s been given the task by Pierre to check on you and make sure you’ve been eating and staying hydrated. it’s sweet how much he cares, but all you care about is that Charles is there to do the same, and maybe worse.

convince you to leave the alter.

“is it safe for me to enter?” he pushes open the door a smidge, his accent rings through the room to let the girls know it’s not your fiancé, and he’s pulled inside by your maid of honor quickly.

“don’t linger for too long out there! he can’t see her.” she hisses, making sure the door is locked behind them, “she’s in the bathroom.”

she points to the door that’s cracked open, the only person in there is you. you’re crouched on the floor next to a bottle of vodka and a fan. the train of your dress is fluffed out all around you. he can hear your mothers voice over the phone, she got too sick to attend, and is trying to now calm you down. you’re terrified of what you’re about to walk into, you can’t marry him.

you hear the shuffling of dress shoes, and you’re greeted to a man in slacks, but when you look up it’s like he saves you from the worst phone call of your life, “I have to go, mama I’ll call you later.” you hang up quickly trying to get up from the floor, and he rushes to help making sure to not step on the white dress.

he swallows the lump forming in his throat, he can’t believe how gorgeous you look. there’s no amount of words to describe how he feels because he’s on the worst rollercoaster of emotions of his life right now. he wants to be happy for Pierre, but part of him holds onto that hope that you’ll disappear with him. leave all this behind.

“mon amour, you look breathtaking.” he breathes out allowing a tear to slip down his cheek, you frown wiping his cheek with your thumb. it almost would be better if he wasn’t here, but you know why he had to be. he’s Pierre’s best man, and it’s his job to check on you.

“don’t be this way, charles. you’re making it hard.” you whisper watching his back lean against the cracked door to gently close it all the way. you don’t have time for what he’s thinking about, you’re supposed to get married in an hour.

“do you have to marry him?” he asks, it’s a dumb question, but it’s the right one to ask considering you don’t even want to answer it. you don’t want to marry him, but now there’s thousands of people arriving to France today for this particular day. it’d be horrible to not walk down the aisle now.

“charles,” you breathe out, mouth going completely thick and dry you can’t speak. you’re blinking away tears to try to keep your makeup intact, you hate this. absolutely hate it.

“I think if you really want what’s best for him, you’d call this off. you’d leave with me instead and we can just go anywhere. anywhere but here.” he takes your shaking clammy hands in his beginning to kiss your knuckles. he strokes your ring finger that for the first time was bare to the bone. the big rock that once sat there was about to be replaced with a promise. one you couldn’t keep.

“cha–“

“no, y/n. I love you and I know you love me. you told me at rehearsals you don’t love him. I can’t see you being happy with him.” he drops your hands from his and he’s twisting open the bathroom door leaving it open for the girls to rush in and check on you. there was now thirty minutes left until the wedding bells would ring.

he slips out the room and heads back to where Pierre is nervously pacing with yuki attempting to get him to drink water. when Charles walks in Pierre is relieved, “how is she?”

“nervous but good.” charles plays a fake smile patting his friend on the back before taking the seat next to yuki who had inhaled the after smell of your perfume on his suit jacket, “you sneaky bastard.” yuki just mumbles shaking his head.

the time is a ticking bomb, it’s now ten minutes and everyone is beginning to line up. charles has been given the honor to walk you down the aisle since neither of your parents or close family could attend.

your hand presses against his back, allowing it to linger longer than it should’ve, “so where would we go?” you whisper hoping the wedding planner and photographers aren’t listening. you take the bouquet from him using it as a shield to protect your privacy.

“anywhere you want, amour. just say the words.” you both watch the first bridesmaid and groomsman walk down the aisle, both moving up closer to the door. it’s t-minus 5 minutes until your arrival in the church.

there’s a long pause between you two, he’s beginning to grow nervous you won’t back out. you’re beginning to have reality settle in for the first time. this is real life, not a fairy tail or a movie. there was no redos, but there was a chance to bolt.

“how about Asia?” you offer, eyes flickering down at the white flowers in your hands before looking up at him. he shrugs giving you a nod, moving up one more space now.

“I could do Asia, but where in Asia?” he asks, one more step closer. three more groups ahead of you both now.

“Japan? heard it’s beautiful.” you loop your arm through his, you throw the flowers to the side both of you watching them silently fall to the ground making the wedding coordinator pick them up.

“your flowers, mrs.gasly—“

“it’s miss y/l/n. just tell him I’m sorry.”

[anwiel13]

the current Rammstein situation is fucking with my mental health a lot right now. I'm so confused, heartbroken, sad, idk what to do... what are your thoughts on all of this?

Hi 😊

Yes, the situation is heartbreaking. It is like rollercoaster of emotions. I absolutely understand that fans are confused, hurt, unsure. And I also understand that some fans decided not to listen or support them anymore. Emotions are all over the place, good or bad.

I will say right away, I do not think that something bad happened, I do not think that somebody drugged her or hurt her. And any sympathy for this girl is long gone, especially after her response to Schneider's post. And maybe this is unpopular to say it, but I have never had any problem with row 0 or parties, but the system how to get there was unfortunate. Very easy to attack it.

I am very heartbroken for the band. This thing happened in very beginning of the tour and it is like shadow over them. They prepared amazing show with some new songs, with all the pyro effects and yet majority of the world talks only about this one thing. People do attack them online, attack one each other, attack the girl.

But I am also extremely happy for all the support they have. Fans are amazing. The response during the shows is overwhelming.

I am not saying I know what is going thru their minds, but I saw them enough, I can say how much it effects them. And also me.

Right before first München show everything blow up so much. And knowing Germans, I was not sure what to expect. And the band neither. I was very anxious. But the show was amazing, fans were the best I ever experienced. Schneider crying on the stage got me hard, but in good way, because I believe it was tears of relief. I can say they were all so happy that fans are still with them. Till's speech during third and fourth show melted my heart. Big group hug, playful Till during the last München show. I went home with hope for great future.

Than, just before Trenčín show it was announced that investigation will be open in Berlin and also their record company is ending their cooperation. Which must hit much harder than, let say, Rossmann. I wish that they will not be effected by this, but since first second, I could say they are. A lot. The show was amazing, but it missed the spark from München. No Ausländer outro at all. Paul was not dancing around. It was sad to watch it. Also, they did not leave their hotel, only for the show and than they went back. Plus they did refuse to take any photo with fans waiting by the hotel.

Than we get that heartbreaking post by Schneider. It is sad to read about how Till is not that close to them anymore and how they feel about it. But it also show that they stick together even now. And they will not throw Till overboard. They will go thru this together.

Watching all these videos from Bern, the mood seems to be much better now. They again do silly things on stage. The were seen around the city. And that makes me happy. I hope it will be the same when I will be back for Berlin shows.

What I am afraid is how it is going to be after the tour. Right now, they have all fans showing all love and support during the shows, but I think it will hit hard when they will not have it. When they will be at home. I wish to be wrong. And I hope they will surround with beloved ones, with family, especially Till. And I wish the investigation would be short. I am positive that it will end up in good way for Till but if it will take a long time, it is big pressure for him.

He is strong human but also very sensitive soul. And everyone have breaking point. I honestly hope he will not find his. I think he will have to cancel his tour. If he would do the same show as always, people and media would tear him apart. If he would do less provocative show, fans would not be happy. But of course, if he will cancel it, fans will not be happy neither.

Damn, I let my feeling out and it is terribly long. Sorry.

I am positive that everything will end up good, but the journey to it will be hard and not nice.

Anwi aus 😁

[wheeboo]

hope the next few months treat u better :(( sending u lots of love and i hope u get through itt

dont feel guilty ever omgg u always make sure to bless us with ur fics and trust me, taking care of urself matters moree and im glad u love it omg i really wanted to watch but i feel like id just end up crying, i have seen the spoilers on tiktok tho and omg its okay to not be okay was a whole emotional rollercoaster 😭 esp the last few episodess, AHDHA I WOULD LOVE TO READ A FIC AB ITT (after ure all better tho). u should totally watch doctor slump it's really sweet and both the main characters have sadly been through a lot :(( but it's really funny tooo

ive been alrighttt, just stressed with school work 😭 aside from whats been happening, how have u been ml? did anything fun today? hope today treats u well <33 ( i found this edit on pinterest and it reminded me of u ˖ ࣪ ♡ꜝ˚ ༘ (pinterest.com)

thank u sm love :(( sending u all my love n hugs as well 🫂💖

dslkjgfsd i appreciate it :(( ig its just lack of activity sometimes gives me unnecessary anxiety but i gotta work on that HAHA. gIRl if i cried then you would prob cry to cuz it takes a loT to get me to cry. ITS JUST THAT GOOD like i wanted to hug all the characters rlly badly so i would def rec to start it when u can ofc hehe!! i LOVED its okay to not be okay too !! i'll def check out doctor slump when i can n i'll tell u all abt it <33 do u have any other fav dramas that uve watched ?? :))

pls i lowkey had a brainrot for the fic yesterday and i want to do it with cheol 👀👀 (coUGH.. doctor seungcheol...)

nooo ig everyone rn is at Peak school n being a pain in the ass 😔 u can get thru it tho i'm rooting for u !! today was a good day as well <33 drove to school to attend some classes n did a lil clothing shopping n managed to buy this cute outfit for summer!! i feel a lil bit better too, it was rlly nice going outside n getting fresh air!! have u done anything fun lately ?? <3

AAA OMG THE BOO EDIT HES SO PRECIOUS N PRETTY 🥺🫶 i need to protect him with my life istg sdjfkdsfj

here is ur daily jeonghan edit ml <3

[acaunite]

Gila, modern problem needs modern solution

sumpah gua mau ketawa.

beberapa hari ini gua simping hard over someone who I barely know in rl kek I don't know them at all.

virtual banget. it's even harder than anime boys or kpop boys and it worse. the worst experience about rollercoaster feeling so far

worse than my love for Nicolas Saputra for the last 18 years of my life

I know this guy thru internet, anjing gasie? dari kalimat awal aja udah ga bener, ok it's kinda fling fling games on internet. ok kalimat kedua makin kerasa salah, sek let me describe to you

so, what I like about him are his personality, his natural performance, golden retriever energy is hitting so hard every time he comes, such a best boy la personanya, muscular body yet it is not jack but the lean one, he had that protagonist in harem manga, dens yet lucky, this boy keeps winning in his life despite being dens. so so much dens, like FAWK OFF, UNFORTUNATELY, he's hensem, anying ga? iya anying, he's a sweet boy who makes every girl so comfortable around him, babe he's perfect at least 2 hours ago.

you go find your internet crush and once you know a bit about their life, but turned out kinda ga cocok dengan standar idup lu. boom! you cancel the whole affection, your plan to live together for the rest of your life alias bahan halu lho yang kalau dipikir-pikir it's as ridiculous as your feeling for them. iya lu babat abis kek beres loakan. even tho it's still warm and fresh from the bottom of your heart. you cut it off, uproot the whole sweetness you sprout out earlier

so harsh. yet. ANJIR EMANG GILA YA LU CA!

yk... persona internet is a candu yk

but babe, have you like kpop boy, anime boy, or Ryujin Nihon boy?

harusnya sama aja kan ya? harusnya lu ga memupuk jiwa fan girl lu ga se... berat ini kan ya? kalau mereka ada skandal, kasus, narkoboy, etc. ya life must go on as fast as you change your clothes everyday. datang bereskan lupakan. that's it. you don't have to worry this much about your previous feeling, insignificant.

intinya, there's no hard feeling even tho persona agency mereka lu jadikan bahan AU atau nge halu. iya secepet itu kalau ada drama kehidupan yaa ngapain repot2 di bela? idup sendiri aja yang dibela?

ya that's my type of attachment to those boys

but it's different from this guy.

he's not that fictional, he's real. he live somewhere in part of this world tp pake persona virtual aja. kan anjing ya kepincut persona kek gini.

it's crazy. just crazy.

you swayed by virtual presence, apa karena aku udah lama ga interact manusia langsung ya? T.T

tapi masa gua boong kalau gua sayang, gua beneran naksir WOEY masalahnya, masalah banget. iya sih fling-fling aja, kemaren2 juga fling bedanya ada yang tahan 1 tahun, 4 bulan, atau 2 bulan. kali ini 1 minggu tahik.

wkwkwk seasonal shit.

sumpah harus ada studi atau diskursus kenapa parasocial love or virtual gepeng boyfie is such big industry in pandemi ya ajg

thanks COVID to show me a whole new world. berasa terjerembab kedalam salah satu genre manhwa psychologist thriller

trus ada yang bikin gua insaf cepet banget ilang rasanya

SNAP!

ilang seketika, lu tau karena apa?

karena dia. ga. pake. bidet.

that's it

AAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKK BIDET tengkyu

thanks god I'm asian

imagine you are not Asian or Muslim who doesn't wash their asshole? leaving the feces behind? it's not CLEAR

what if there's a yeast infection? bacteria? the smell? YOU'VE BEEN DOIN IT FOR 23 YEARS???

a reality check is so cruel buddy, once you love him to death and then found out his butthole was never rinsed by water you turn the emotion upside down

hahaha im gonna cry cause it was spiritually so funny

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

hi I’m such a fan of ur work~

do u think u could do hcs for when his gf is on their period? if u feel like it ofc 🤗

pls yEs ,,, @babymilkawa tysm for this self-indulgent ask,,, i luv luv luv when i get the opportunity to shamelessly project :)))

—/—

- tells himself every month that this’ll be the week when he just tells u to get over it. that he won’t coddle u and be nicer just bc u don’t feel good,,, and its a fruitless affirmation rlly bc the second ur period starts he’s on his absolute best behavior. its embarrassing for him but mans is a sucker

- probably insists on doing inside/low energy stuff on that week bc ‘m just tired, idiot. who tf cares why?. but rlly its bc he’d rather die than watch u suffer thru something taxing just for him. esp when ur already uncomfy in the first place

- thats being said he’s still an absolute little bitch who will ask things like “Oh, it’s shark week isn’t it?”........ hit him. literally hit him as hard as u can (do it, its okay, thats probably why he said the stupid thing in the first place. he actually rlly likes when u threaten him ;>)

- would bring a tampon/pad wherever u are, but fully expects to be given some type of reward after. like, if u do not kiss this mans cheek immediately after ur done in the bathroom?? pls u will hear about it for days

- warm hands,,,, like v big warm hands that make nice heating pads. also serves as a nice way to shut him up bc the second bakugou gets u in his arms he’s already falling asleep

- will fully tell people about ur period so he can get out of doing things. v much gets invited out and goes “Sorry, my girl’s on her period. So she won’t want to go. Means I can’t. Fuckin’ take it up with her or somethin’.” 🙄🙄

- tells himself that periods are a natural part of life but is still probably deeply disturbed. like, thinking about bleeding that much puts the fear of god in his heart (won’t say so out loud tho, never ever)

-ok so,, Bakugou um, is probably the worst person to be hormonal around??? like he’s insanely hot and ripped so u kinda wanna jump him the second he gets through the door?? but then he also seems keen on always fucking talking?? so then u kinda just wanna bash his face in instead?? like its truly a rollercoaster of emotions when ur on ur period and he’s around

- also secretly kinda happy when ur on ur period bc now he’s got this great excuse to dote on u. initially tells himself that we won’t give in, won’t go soft, but at the end of the day he likes to feel needed, u know??

and finally, and this is my favorite hc of all:

- if ur his first girlfriend, he straight up will have no idea what u need when it comes to ur period. man is a whole new born fool about products/pain relief/hormone stuff??? just, he has never had a need to know before so he never bothered??

- but now he’s kicking himself bc he hates feeling like an idiot about it. so cue the most uncomfortable conversation he’s ever had with mina,, bc he’d rather give the entire bakusquad ammunition against him than admit to u that he doesn’t know

- leads to all of them calling Bakugou “Mr. Toxic Shock” ,, a name which he tries desperately to keep u from hearing. but on the off chance u do, he’s going to his grave swearing its some sort of weird reference to him in battle and definitely not anything else. never anything else and 100% not that time when mina had to take him to a convenience store and explain to him how a tampon worked. and then explain to him why he couldn’t just outright refuse to get them for u just bc he learned what TSS is :///

[lalunanymph]

When h*nma was opening up to reader and talked more about his tattoos I was like 👀 somethings going on

BUT THEN THAT BETINA ICHIKA HAD RO RUIN THEIR GODDAMN MOMENT I LITERALLY SCREAMED

+ anon asked: i have a gut feeling the the next time y/n’s father puts his hands on her, shuji won’t be there to protect her bc he would be too busy with his side chick 😭

+ anon asked: EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO SMOOTHLY UNTIL ICHIKA I WAS LIKE BABYGIRLLLLLL IF YOU DON'T GTFO

+ anon asked: That back to us chapter was such a rollercoaster of emotions. You graced us with such heartbraking angst 😔😔 on the other hand I loved that hanma finally showed a more vulnerable side to y/n. But honestly though, fuck him, I hope y/n can grow closer to chifuyu because she really needs someone on her side, poor baby :((

+ anon asked: To be honest I'm kind of relieved when I finish a chapter of back to us because that means I am free of the angst.

In any case, I love this story sm.

+ anon asked: god i dont even want shuji to end up with yn, what a piece of shit 🥲 SHE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER!! girl at this point just move to another country with a different identity😭

+ anon asked: Oh the sins Hanma's committing simultaneously.... I'm very excited how he will PAY.

+ anon asked: if i could reach thru my screen and strangle hanma, i would ��😤

reading all of your reactions to chapter 4 in real time and rubbing my hands in glee like an evil fly 😭 but honestly same, all of your reactions and theories are valid my friends </3

[keelifallen]

Hello there! I saw and LOVED your Jedi Night art, it destroyed me emotionally, good job!!

Can I ask who your favorite SWR character was? And your favorite episodes? I get really excited to meet new people who love SWR, don't mind me!

Ok so first off, I LOVE to talk nerd, and second, can I be your best friend? You seem so nice🥺

So…. Question one:

Favorite Star Wars character?

Uggg that’s painful. I’ll divide it up

Movie trilogys:

So in the prequels I’d say obi wan.

The original definitely Darth Vader.

Sequels, Poe dameron.

Singles:

I love all the characters in rogue one, and I’m not gonna try to dig thru that mess 😅

And in Han Solo, Donald Glover played his part as Lando incredibly well, so probably him.

Shows:

Clone wars

So this was SUCH a good, and in depth show. It really showed the characters in a light that the movies could not.

Anakin was shown to do the wrong things for the right reasons. (The ends justify the means sorta stuff) and his fall from the light which was tragic, but KiNdA understandable? I really liked his character arc, even though it destroyed me🥲

Now Ashoka, is a lean, mean, girl power, fighting machine. Great character arc as well. (You wanna know what? Just assume that applies to all the characters I bring up) what I really like about her, is kinda finding herself. She was kept in the jedi order, and it was her whole life. Something that would be painful to walk away from. She kinda struggled through out the whole show with finding her balance. It’s important to apply that to our own situation I guess?

Obi wan, now I’m gonna have to keep my self from going on too long about him. Love him. I think he is what the Jedi all ought to be. He wasn’t so emotional stuffed, but he had a balance of emotions. Kinda like like control your emotions, lest they control you. (Looking at you Anakin) he went through his life, which was an incredible tragic one, with his head heals high. He could have easily turned to the dark side. His master died, Satine died, the Jedi order fell along with his friends. His brother turned against him, and died by his hand. That’s a rollercoaster life right there. And when faced with the question, he said that it takes strength to resist the dark side, which makes him stronger than those who don’t. That’s an important life lesson lol.

And there’s Rex. Simply put, he’s a good ol’ boi

Bad batch

I feel like this show hasn’t developed enough for me to say, but I do like echo, and wrecker a lot 😌

Mandalorian

For the mandalorian, obviously mando. He’s a great father, and ✨not✨ lone wolf. He Took care of his kid, and gave him up when he didn’t want to. Because that’s what he thought was best.

Rebels

Now rebels is a much better show that I was expecting. I love the family dynamic, it really captured that aspect well. 

Ezra. He was an amusing bratty child in the first season, and I love him. At times I still wanted to smack him…. but I like the fact that he was faced many opportunities to turn bad, and didn’t. He dabbled a little perhaps, but he’s the type of person who has to try things out for himself, And learn lessons the hard way. As he got older he really matured, and he went from a small bean to a big bean.

Of course, I love Kanan. (I love all space dads. And adoptive dads) he was a beautiful and wonderful human being. And I’m so mad that Dave killed him off 😤😤 anyway, I like the fact that he was the first to admit that he didn’t know he was doing. Instead of acting like he was just teaching Ezra, he said they were both learning from each other.

Thrawn… for reasons

Favorite episodes, and arcs?

Rebels

I loved the bit, with the Sith temple. Ashoka finally meeting Vader, love it. So much drama. Introduction to maul, and just total legitness.

And the ending. As depressing as it was, seeing the conclusion it really makes me look forward to the Ashoka show. Although will be like almost 30, And he’d’ve missed out on so much😭

Clone wars

Oh there’s so many good ones. I love the episodes focusing on Ventress. It was an unexpected journey, and darth maul was somewhat involved as well.

Obviously Umbara. This one was exceedingly painful, but it really got the point across about the injustice and individuality of the clones. I know casual Star Wars watchers tend to skim over this a bit. super powerful.

The Mortis arc, was super epic, with great visuals, symbolism. And when Anakin found out he would become Vader I almost died

While I’m talking about clones, The order arc with the inhibitor chips was stupid good. And sad as well. (I apparently really like the emotionally devastating bits and pieces)

The one with Yodas trials was a really good one. I didn’t pay good attention the first time around. Just so u know yoda has never been one of my favorite characters. But I liked him a little better after this arc. It shows us his deepest fears, and it was really nice seeing so much foreshadowing.

Asoka leaving the order was super emotional and help put things in motion

And of course the siege mandalore. The final conclusion to the clone wars, in the beginning of the empire.

Anyways sorry for the long post, I’m sure this isn’t what you asked for but what can I say 🤷‍♀️ my life’s been hijacked by Star Wars. Dave this is your fault🔫

[goldenhaechan]

More cute markhyuck please

ask and you shall receive 😌✨

let’s go for aged up!markhyuck with kids

mark & donghyuck finally have their shit togeher

their careers are stable, they have a steady income, they recently just got engaged, they just became dog dads after adopting a cavapoochon puppy named alfred

so they start looking at houses bc hyuck’s always imagined being carried thru the treshold of his dream home after his wedding

their real estate agent, irene, shows them a few houses and none of them feel right

either the house is too big or too small, or the floor plan is weird af, or the neighborhood vibe just isn’t right

despite all that, mark & hyuck are still optimistic

finally, irene shows them a renovated brownstone and they know that it’s the one

mark & hyuck are more than happy to put a down on the house and close the deal

they start moving in a few weeks later

hyuck loves ikea and just decorating in general so you best believe he drags mark to ikea multiple times a week to furnish their new home (they also order furniture and other stuff online but ikea is where it’s at)

when their house is full of houseplants and aesthetically pleasing decorations, hyuck plans a housewarming party

the smile on mark’s face doesn’t falter the whole time that hyuck is playing good hostess

also alfred loves the house, especially the backyard

hyuck lowkey imagines raising his and mark’s little family in their home and he gets a bit teary at the thought of their kids running around the 3-story brownstone

it’s winter now and they spend nights cuddling in their living room with alfred at their feet, rewatching harry potter while sipping hot chocolate

more often than not, jaehyun (hyuck’s step-brother) finds them tangled up in each other in the early mornings and he always sneaks pictures to send to the markhyuck gc

flash forward to hyuck and mark’s wedding

it’s a spring wedding that’s held outside and hyuck can’t believe he’s really getting married to the dork from next door

mark cries when hyuck reads him his vows and vise versa (the first part of hyuck’s vows were lyrics from jb’s boyfriend)

ofc their first dance has to be to mj’s love never felt so good

mark carries hyuck thru the threshold bridal style and they’re both giggling between kisses like fools in love

they’re flight to bora bora isn’t until the next morning so they spend the night in high spirits while having slow, soft sex

bora bora is amazing and they take so many pictures and eat so much food and spend so much time in each other’s arms

but like all good things, they’re honeymoon comes to an end 2 weeks later and they’re back to work and falling back into their normal routine

mark & hyuck always make dinner togeher on friday nights while blasting mark’s r&b playlist

slow dancing in the kitchen y’all

and singing duets while they’re doing the dishes

dancing with alfred in their arms

just mark & hyuck being in love and being cute with their dog

it’s 2 years into their marriage and alfred isn’t a puppy anymore but a cute 2 year old doggo that mark brings up the subject of kids

hyuck is excited bc he’s been imagining raising kids with mark for the longest

they weigh their options and decide to adopt and have kids thru surrogacy

bc mark has always wanted a big family and hyuck being from a big family himself can’t imagine a house without it being full

the adoption process is long and a rollercoaster full of emotions but it was all worth it

they bring home haechan (who’s 2 yrs old) and his biological sister haerin (who’s only 10 months old) just a little after mark’s birthday

alfred is protective of his new human siblings and loves it when haechan gives him belly rubs

haechan is very clingy and very affectionate towards whereas his sister is aloof and doesn’t like it when people try to hug/kiss her

but bring hyuck around and haerin is a whole different person

she clings to donghyuck like a koala and mark might be just a little jealous

hyuck and mark don’t play favorites but obviously their kids have their preferences when it comes to which parent they like

bath time with haechan is a dramatic affair and mark always ends up soaked from head to toe

haerin only lets hyuck bathe her but prefers when mark dresses her. she will scream and scream if donghyuck even tries to dress her after bath time

donghyuck learns that hard way that if you tell a kid no, they’ll still do it anyways

mark learns that you shouldn’t promise kids anything bc they WILL remember and they WILL have a fit if you don’t keep that promise

parenting is difficult but they’re new parents and they’re trying their best ok

haechan is 3 and haerin is almost 2 when mark & hyuck start to look into surrogacy

mark and hyuck find a full service surrogacy agency

and then there’s lawyers involved to discuss terms and compensation for the surrogate and mark asking awkward questions about turkey basters but everything is smooth sailing once they decide who’s going to be the ‘donor’ first

funnily enough, they play rock paper scissors and hyuck wins

mark doesn’t mind bc either way he’s still going to have a baby at the end of it

their surrogate is a woman called wendy and mark bonds with her since they’re both from canada

hyuck is very attentive and he makes sure that wendy is comfortable and taken care of all while managing to be a full-time parent and a full-time PR director

how he does it?? mark thinks it sorcery

haechan kind of knows what’s going on and he’s excited to have another sibling

haerin’s nice and all but she doesn’t share and she makes him cry so maybe a brother would be nice

when wendy starts showing, haechan is eager to feel on her belly while haerin turns her nose up at the sight and hides in donghyuck’s arms

mark lowkey cries at the gender reveal bc omg another little girl?!

their family and friends are excited to have another little girl in the family

mark thinks he’s imagining it but maybe haerin looks lowkey pissed

time skip~

wendy gives birth to a healthy baby girl and she’s more than happy to hand the baby over, wishing hyuck and mark good luck with their baby and their growing family

sure, they keep in touch, but it’s better this way and plus they have a contract

mark names the baby michelle (bc he knows donghyuck loves mj)

when haechan and haerin meet their new sibling, it’s like love t first sight

tbh hyuck is a bit surprised that haerin takes a liking to the newborn bc of her indifference to most things

alfred is of course is eager to sniff the new baby. he finally has another sibling!

having a newborn is different from having toddler and an almost toddler

michelle is fussy for a few weeks and donghyuck really doesn’t know what to do

fortunately mark took family leave and hyuck swears that his husband is a baby whisperer

so while hyuck takes care of the older kids and alfred, mark feeds and bathes and changes michelle’s diapers like a pro

their family and friends start to visit them more often now

haerin is always happy to see her uncle jaehyun while haechan clings to his uncle taeil like no tomorrow

michelle, now almost 3 months, basks in the attention she gets whenever there’s company in the house

what can i say, she likes being held

another fast forward in time

haechan is now in kindergarten and haerin is in pre-k and michelle is now 2 and there’s another baby on the way

well, babies

yup, it’s twins

donghyuck fainted when the doctor told them and thankfully mark was there to catch him

their surrogate isn’t wendy this time

they get matched with a woman called krystal and she lowkey reminds mark of jaehyun

jaehyun: seriously when are y’all going to stop having kids, hyuck: mind your business

donghyuck has long since stepped down was the PR director and now manages social media for the company he works for

he prefers to stay at home and work at home and just be with his kids and their dog

when mark comes home, he’s greeted by the pattering of little feet and claws before he’s surrounded by his kids (and he’s, alfred counts too)

they all hang off of him, all eager to tell him about his day as he carries haerin and michelle in each arm and haechan on his back

donghyuck as usual greets him with a quick peck on the lips and reminds him to wash up

mark always sets the girls and haechan down before he washes up

they always wait patiently behind him and pounce on him again when he’s done drying his hands

it’s become a part of their routine now; to cuddle mark while recalling their days while hyuck makes dinner in the kitchen

they kids weren’t allowed in the kitchen while hyuck is cooking after haerin managed to set a paper towel roll on fire

anyways, dinner with the lees

it’s loud, it gets messy, and sometimes food is thrown bc haerin doesn’t take shit from anybody, especially not her older brother who’s just a cry baby

honestly hyuck wonders why his daughter is so angry all the time and he makes a mental not to sign her up for some activities to get her anger out

she’s only 4 for crying out loud

the next and final babies of the lee family are born and they’re fraternal twins

the first twin is a girl and donghyuck names her heaven (“really, hyuck? heaven lee?” “shut up mark it’s cute”) the second twin is a boy who mark names minhyuk

unlike michelle, heaven and minhyuk are angels and they sleep thru the night and they don’t fuss (as much)

both sets of grandparents are happy to spoil all of the kids despite mark and donghyuck’s protests

raising 4 kids that are slightly close in age proves to be difficult for mark and donghyuck

they have many sleepless nights and sometimes they can even feel the exhaustion deep in their bones

but they wouldn’t have it any other way

alfred is usually a good distraction when haerin and haechan are fighting so that’s a plus

the day heaven and minhyuk are potty trained and are able to eat on their own, hyuck cries

haerin catches her papa crying and hugs him without asking any questions

that’s one of the things donghyuck loves about his daughter: she doesn’t pry and she’ll offer comfort without any hesitation (unless it’s haechan ofc bc she really can’t stand her brother)

a few more years pass...(haechan is now 10, haerin is 9, michelle is 7, and the twins are now 5)

hyuck ends up signing haerin up for taekwondo and haechan starts to take ballet, michelle is taking piano lessons, and the twins are taking cooking classes

the one activity they all do togeher is take korean language classes bc donghyuck will be dammed if their kids only spoke one language

mark and donghyuck keep the kids busy bc they’re so high in energy and they need to burn it off so they usually take them out bowling or hiking or any fun family activities mark can think of doing

and sometimes their cousins join in and it’s pure and utter chaos but let’s not get into that

bc hyuck is home with the kids, he tend to keep them on a tight schedule to get hw done, chores done, and anything else so that they had time to do what they liked

honestly donghyuck would like to think that he and mark have done a pretty decent job raising the little gremlins considering the fact that haerin was a walking and talking hulk but in recent years she’s calmed down thanks to taekwondo and playing sports

bc there’s so many females in the house, mark decides to research about the menstual cycle and he even joins a few forums so that he’s ready to give his daughters the talk when the time comes

to say haerin did not look happy to be talking to her dad about her bleeding vagina would be an understatement

but michelle and heaven makeup for haerin’s disdain and they hug mark and thank him for everything

mark might’ve shed a tear afterward and haerin might’ve also hugged mark and thanked him before giving him the rolling her eyes at him and locking herself in her room

when the family dog passes away a few years later, the kids are devestated and they lock themselves in their rooms until hyuck calls them out to eat or remind them to finish their hw and their chores

it’s sad really and it breaks mark’s heart

he’s discussed getting another pet for the kids but hyuck didn’t want them to go thru another heartbreak so that plan was tossed out

suddenly after a month the kids are back in high spirits

haerin isn’t even screaming at her sisters or teasing haechan so mark knows something is up

that something ends up being a stray kitten that’s hidden in their basement and hyuck spends an hour lecturing his grown kids (haechan, haerin are in hs now, michelle is in middle school, while the twins are in elementary school) about harboring a stray kitten

towards the end of the lecture hyuck is cuddling their new kitten (heaven names him sol after the sun god bc he’s an orange tabby) and he’s cooing, not even paying attention when haechan and minhyuk low-five discreetly

mark just shakes his head, smiling fondly at his kids when he reminds them not to pull another stunt like this

they don’t take home seriously ofc

tbh hyuck is scarier than mark so we all know who does the grounding and the punishing at home

1 day, the kids come home and michelle is scratched and bruised up and hyuck feels his blood pressure rise when he spots blood on his baby girl’s shirt as she hands him a slip of paper that says she’s been suspended for a week

“papa, it’s the other girls” “damn my little girl is a scrapper” “now is NOT the time to encourage this type of behavior MARK LEE”

michelle explains to her parents that she found minhyuk being bullied by a group of girls for wearing nail polish and ‘feminine’ clothes to school and she wasn’t going to resort to violence but one of the girls called her baby brother the b-word

haerin is beaming and praising her younger sister, dragging her away to clean her up while heaven trails behind them, not wanting to be left behind

haechan comforts his younger brother and tells him that it’s okay to dress however he likes and that other peoples opinions don’t matter

mark wants to explode bc omg his kids are so good?? what?? how’d that even happen??

he just really loves his husband and his kids. wow.

okay that’s all i have. i’m sorry if it’s not good anon. i really did try my best. feel free to send me prompts or whatever they’re called lol. my ask box is always open 😌

[princessggowon]

Commentary on ep.10

-They brought back my boy!

-This stage for Going Crzy is by far their best!

-His parents are here :’))))

-THEY ALL LOOKIN LIKE SNACCS OKAYYYYY

-I literally cant understand anything bc no subs :((

-I think Bang Yedam just ranked #1 for vocal team???

-Okay but wait Junkyu is now number 1 wtf

-whats going on lol

-okay hes explaining how theyre divided into three teams: vocal, rap, and dance

-I think they finna fight for the rap position oh shiii

-My baby Byounggon looks so nervous in the flashback edits :(((

-Mashiho is choosing his team now??

-He chose to go in the vocal team

-So they get to choose what group they want to be in okay

-OKAY ITS BYOUNGGONS TURN

-he of course chose rap lol

-Jeongwoo chose dance???? I think?????

-Yoonbin chose rap ofc

-Bang Yedams turn anddddd he choseeee vocal jk that means jeongwoo is vocal too

-NOBODY WANTS TO BE ON YEDAMS TEAM. HOW ICONIC

-O snap Doyoung went to dance

-Rap team is scared of Haruto oop

-Hyunsuk. Dance or rap???

-Lol rap of course

-Damn near nobody is in vocal team bc of Yedam lmaoooo

-Okay Junkyu is brave ofc

-SEUNGHUN DIDNT GO TO VOCAL BC OF YEDMAM OH MY

-Okay so vocal: Yedamn, Junkyu, and Jeongwoo; rap: Choi hyunsuk, haruto, byounggon, yoonbin; performance: Seunghun, 

-Okay rap is practicing and getting evaluated and Hyunsuk got complimented (i think)

-OKAY SO THEY JUST GONNNA START THE PERFOMANCE LIKE THAT OKAYYY

-BYOUNGGON REALLY JUST KILLIN IT

-OH SNAP HARUTO COMING THRU THO

-OH HOLD UP THAT TRANSITION

-YOONBINS ENGLISH :’)

-THIS STARGE LIT OF COURSE

-OKAY GON!!

-HYUNSUK GOING INNN

-They jumpin around now gettin hype

-Did yoonbin do the fortnite dance or am i trippin??

-OMGGGGGG THE PREVIOUS TRAINEES ARE HERE. MY HEART!!

-PRESS ONE FOR BYOUNGGON!!

-I CANT BELIEVE THEYRE JUST VOTING NOW. LIKE THEY DONT CARE???

-im nervous :c

-my heart omg

-okay but yoonbins sideway smile is everything

-the girl calling haruto is a mood

-okay so theyre seeing who came first and that spot is guranteed

-Choi hyunsuk is first rn

-His mom is crying :(((

-HARUTO IS SECOND NOW OH MYYY

-his family is here and THEYRE ALL CRYING NOOO im gonna cry

-WAIT DID BYOUNGGON NOT MAKE IT????????

-HUHHHHH??????

-WAIT?????????????????????

-EVERYONE IS SAD RN????????????????????????

-im shaking rn im upset

-they all sound so sad

-BITCH IM SAD WHATS GOING ON

-dance is up next and I dont wanna watch the rest of this anymore

-but hopefully there is gonna be a twist that involves byounggon

-mashiho did a flip again

-oop so did junkyu

-dance team is tryna do this flying trick and its pretty cool tbh

-okay but i cant even concentrate. is byounggon coming back or????

-okay dance team is starting you already know whats going on (Earned it!)

-oof 

-ICONIC SEUNGHUN

-OOF FUCK THIS SONG GO HARD

-they did the flying trick perfectly :)

-OH SNAP WAIT A MIN, THEY BREAK DOWN IS EVERYTHING

-How could you choose just one??? they were all so good and worked as a team. Like its dance????

-Jaes little thing with the numbers were the cutest

-okay mr. potato man is saying his comments and the audience is shook and the trainees are saying thank you (compliment ig)

-OKAY FIRST PLACE IS MASHIHO (we been knew sis)

-HES EMOTIONAL SO IM EMOTIONAL

-SECOND PLACE GOES TO......

-okay so wait??? they only picked one for dance???

-thats weird, arent they supposed to pick 3

-okay i have hope for byounggon

-okay vocal team is up next! What we’ve all been dreading. 

-THERES TOO MANY GOOD VOCALIST OH MY

-Jeongwoo is making faces. I think hes having an existential crisis because of his competition lmaoo

-you got this bby

-okay but why is yedam so humble. he should know his spot is guranteed.

-okay jeongwoo is not fuking with none of these songs. they’re all english lmao

-jeongwoo literally looks SO NERVOUS :(

-vocal teacher is shook at jeongwoo

-okay but in a negative way ??? (i think)

-jk its a complinent now??? and now hes on the verge of tears

-i think that was his first compliment awww :)))

-THE VOCAL STAGE IS STARTINGGG

-im not ready

-okay yedam starting off strong and yg already smiling lmao 

-his parents are teary aw

-Junkyu!!!!!!

-Jeongwoos mom is literally so pretty wtf?

-Jeongwoo coming thru with that high note

-Junkyu throat is literally scratchy (i already know potato head is gonna say something)

-OOF YEDAM THEM VOCALSSS

-OKAY THEY MAGULATED ! A SISTER FINNA CRY

-OKAY IM CRYIING

-THEYRE CRYING

-THE AUDIENCE IS CRYING

- I think Junkyu is sad or sum shit

-Crowd is chanting ‘DONT CRy!’

-Junkyu is so handsome my heart ouch

-okay theyre voting now

-first place is.......JUNKYU 

-YESSSSS OMG IM SHAKINGGGG

-HES GOING TO CRY SO IM GOING TO CRY

-okay so what about second place

-SO IS IT DONE WTF

-THEY ARE LITERALLY ALL CRYIING BACKSTAGE BECAAUSE DAMN NEAR EVERYBODY LOST

-the previous trainees are giving good luck messages nooooooo :(((((

-i havent seen some of these faces in forever

-okay but wait if that was the final lineup. they a damn lie

-cus wheres yedam

-OKAY THEY LINED UP ON PEDASTALS IN THESE GREEN OUTFITS LOOKING LIKE A SNACCCC

-okay so i guess this is either elimai=tion or whoever makes it

-OKAY THEYRE DOING RAP POSITION NOWWWW

-MY BBY IS SPEAKING

-everyone is literally so sad

-WTF YOONBINS VOICE IS SO DEEP???? DEEPER THAN BYOUNGGON

-okay theyre doing the debut memebrssssss

-OKAY BYOUNGGON LOOKS SO SAD

-ITSSSSSS.......

-MY HEART

-ITSSSSS HARUTO

-CONGRATS

-I guess he kept his place???

-or maybe he didnt make it???? cus no one is happy wtf is going onnn

-i dont think he made it actually guys yikes

-My prediction that there is going to be 9 members

-haruto is eliminated :(

-he did good tho

-okay theyre doing vocal now

-IM THE MOST NERVOUS FOR THIS ONE

-theres only 3 of them and theyre all amazing vocalist

-ok so i guess junkyu has to keep his place by votes or sum sht

-girl its too early to be this sad

-yedam looks sad

-ITSSSSSSSSSS....YEDAM

-okay so that means haruto debuted because it dont make sense for bang yedam not too lmaoo

-this is a rollercoaster of me trying to figure out whats happening

-his mom is BAWLING

-okay yedams smile is EVERYTHING

-HIS MOM IS REALLY JUST CRYING

-GIRL ME TOO TF

-okay the way the edit this makes it seem like they ppl they chose got eliminated why are they doing that

-okay so far they have 2 confirmed members: yedam and haruto

-dance is next!

-doyoung and seunghun better make it or im suing yg

-okay but wait i forgot about mashiho

-okay let those 3 debut :((

-SHUT UP POTATO HEAD

-okay results are nowww

-ITSSSSSS....

-EVERYONE IS SURPISED WHATS GOING ON

-okay i see some upset ppl about the current debut lineup

-wait why is there a list of 10???

- are they debuting 10

-i think this is the online ranking

-junkyu made it first

-byounggon looks so nervous oh my

-fourth place is hyunsuk

-WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

-i dont think hyunsuk is debuting omg

-THERE BETTER BE A TWIST

-okay debut member is next??? I THINK

-NEXT DEBUT MEMBER IS... STILL JUNKYU

-wait yg chose this lineup???

-he aint said shit damn near this whole ep

-OH THERES A PLOT TWIST AND NOW HYUNSUK IS SMILING

-okay wait i think he just complimented him 

-so theres 4 confirmed members rn and theyre all saying bye now

-LIKE HUHHH

-OH THEYRE DOING A LIVE REACTING CAM

-ITS THEIR PARENTS OMGGGGGGGG

-okay again jeongwoos mom is gorgeous

-jeongwoo is crying bc of the video mssg

-harutos fam is giving a message and his mom is crying

-yoonbin is crying :((((

-SO IS MY BBY BYOUNGGON, they cut it short again im not finna play

-theyre showing cute pics now

-okay but yedam is literally so cute

-okay but why did i just get the mssg that yg treasure box is on

-WAIT IS IT OVER????????

-HELLO?????

-THE SCREEN WENT BLAC????

-YOOOO THIS LINE UP??/???

-HUH??//

-FINAL LINEUP: yedam, junkyu, haruto and jungwhan (ig??))) 

-AM I STUPID OR IS THERE GONNA BE ANOTHER EPISODE??? 

[calypsoff3]

Finally caught up with the story and oh man, reading it really made me emotional for Robyn because it is always her having to put other females that her husband let in in place of which is not fair on my girl,when is Chris gonna learn?how is he gonna fix this?must Robyn fuck another nigga for him to feel the pain?its a very confusing but real rollercoaster that ppl go thru in their marrieges, i really wonder how he will come out of it man😐😕

Chris has fucked up big time, the way Robyn has closed herself off to him now….. it will be hard. I don’t even think he can, he isn’t ready for this Rihanna

[nelson-riddle-me-this]

Wow, it’s been a year. 

Tonight I sang in our spring choral concert and it was wonderful. The concert was amazing. Each ensemble sounded great and (unlike the Jazz festival over the weekend) I felt really great about my own performance within the ensemble. I messed up a little sure, but no stupid stuff - no flubbed enterances or dumb falters like I had made in rehearsal just an hour or so before. I was in-it: really engaged and having fun. 

A lot of today was really rough for me - I hit my big trigger (it has to do with relationships and sex) yesterday and I still felt so awful this morning that I didn’t go to theory. I cried and took way too long getting ready (like 3 hrs-I kid you not), then turned in the CRV that had been around for weeks, got gas, and some coffee. It feels really good to take care of things, but I still felt pretty blase. 

When I got to school I sat down and banged out a super-angsty bosa nova song I kinda got asked to write in helping this girl from choir with a music technology project. I was feeling very dark this afternnon and the song reflects that - lotsa diminished chords and some melodic ideas I’m kinda proud of. After that I got lunch and then got ready for the concert.

Until a few songs before I was on, I felt so dead and dull inside. The boy I dated over the summer is one of our chamber singers and it’s often been fairly debilitating for me to be around him.

But then, I sat back and realized it’s been a whole year since I performed in this very concert last year, where I first noticed him. Thinking about where I am now compared to where I was a year ago was really liberating and helped me get back in the right frame of mind. I’m better now because of what I’ve been through in the past year and I’ve learned so much. I’m still a good person, always have been and if I keep going doing good things, I’ll stay that way.

It also really helped saying hi to all my friends and aquaintances after the concert - it’s really nice to know everyone’s names and be able to congratuate them on a beautiful performance, especially because I often feel so clumsy or worry about forgetting people’s names, so that means a lot to me and I love that I can do that - remembering that I can do that. 

Also, in the lobby, I ran into a boy from high school and we talked a bit - he’s studying musical theater and he asked for my number. I’m not hoping for anything, but taking it as it comes and proceeding with calm caution. If I give my heart (and anything else) I want to be sure I’m doing it wisely. I remember (and one’a my best friends confirms this) him being pretty wild in high school. He seems a lot more mellow now. He even speaks differently - I remember him speaking higher and with a very ‘femme’ lilt to his voice. Tonight, he sounded a lot more mellow - lower and less exaggerated. Not that there’s anything wrong with a more ‘femme’ voice, but tonight he seemed more authentic than he ever did in high school. Granted, I never really talked to him in high school. Anyway, he wants to hang out and I would like that. It was fun talking to him tonight and he seems nice - plus he’s cute. So we’ll see what happens, but I don’t expect much.

I gave one’a my chamber singer friends a ride on my way home. He looked thru my I-pod and picked the Ripped Pants song from my Spongebob album. I love Robert.

When I got home, I talked with my dad a bunch and we cleaned up a little. Our house is ridiculously messy - in part becuase my mom’s a bit of a horder and gets all sorts of junk. Anyway, we cleaned a little so that felt good. 

I feel better.

But I also know that I have not changed a ton about my approach to a lot of the things that upset me so this could be more of the extreme emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on for a while now. I feel great at the moment and I’ve  made some progress, but it’s often easy to relapse into bad feelings and bad thoughts. I want to make sure I have a better handle on things/myself so while I’m feeling good right now, tomorrow I’m going to ask my dad to help me figure out how to get our health insurance to pay for me to see a therapist a little. I think that would do me good.

[tateonnas-blog]

What is Mothers Day to You?

Picture Perfect

Mothers Day for some brings to mind flowers and chocolates and all those warm fuzzy commercials of the picture perfect families with the mom smiling and hugging her kids, and the kids beaming holding up their gifts. Or the commercial where the husband is bringing home the flowers, earrings, or going on a family vacation. Business's love Mothers Day, it's a great marketing strategy and besides who doesn't love a gift on a day dedicated to you? But in all the hustle we can't forget the ones that do not have a mother or don't have a child, invite friends to lunch have a girls dinner the night before and enjoy each others company. If you don't have a mother it's about celebrating the women that stepped up in your life to help fill that role and love you without any obligation. Celebrate each other because that's what it's all about, celebrating the women in your life.  What is mothers day to you? What is it to me you ask? Mothers day is a big boiling pot of all kinds of emotions thrown into a twenty-four-hour rollercoaster where I constantly have to focus on being in the moment and not the past. My mom isn't around anymore not that she passed away it was a choice that she made to leave when I was younger which now as an adult I can come to terms with understanding. A choice that many children have to deal with, unfortunately. Many people are dealing with the painful memories of their mom passing or some just never got the chance to know a mother in their life at all. So for the child part of me, mothers day leaves me feeling a little less than empty.

Being a Mother

Flip the coin and Mothers Day as the Mother part of me to my amazing daughter is more then I can put into words, its a blessing uncomparable to anything else I have experienced in life. I feel like I should be getting her a gift for making me a mother, for teaching me more about myself then I knew was possible, for showing me what I am capable of. Being a mother to me is being a protector, a dietician, a nurse, a teacher, a Sunday school teacher, a friend, a disciplinarian, a chef, and a fashion stylist. Being a mom means to cry and laugh together, to go thru life's bumps and hold onto each other's hand the whole way thru. To teach them self-confidence but to also be humble. To be tough but kind and compassionate to everyone. To love openly, reject hate and to find their talents so they can share them with the world. To love God and trust in their journey, to pray about everything in life good and bad and worry about nothing. It's about teaching your children to have gratitude for all they have. To know they always have someone in their corner and they are never alone. Being a mother is life-changing, it makes you focus on someone other than yourself and watch your heart walk around outside of your body twenty-four seven.

Being a mother is carrying another human inside of you for nine months. It's about ridiculous food cravings and getting kicked by those tiny feet. Then when you come home from the hospital after having your baby to suddenly find you are scared of everything lol. The cleaning products, are they organic? The carpets, did we thoroughly shampoo them? Even the vacuum, is it putting dust in the air? Its when your dog is no longer your baby and everyone that walks thru the door needs to wash their hands before going near the bassinet. It's finding out how to sleep in a rocking chair and listen to a baby monitor. For most of us, its sleep deprivation at its finest and loving every minute of the caffeine-infused days and nights. It's learning what food allergies are and secretly tasting the baby food when your child loves or can't stand something. It's about celebrating when they go to the bathroom, and laughing when they eat lemons and make that classic sour face.

Loving the journey

Then school starts and it about trusting someone else to be a huge influence on your precious child. It's about trying to figure out what to do with the free time you now have. It's about bus drivers and teachers, backpacks and report cards. It's about your child learning new habits that are not yours, about them having new experiences without you and you being excited for them. It's about being scared of strangers and yet kind to everyone. It's about packing your child a healthy balanced lunch then them grabbing a pizza and coke to fit in with their friends and frankly, it just sounds better.

Life goes by so fast. So if all I can say is, as a mother, enjoy every moment, every milestone, take the ups with the downs, and celebrate every success. Please, please don't ever compare yourself and know that your child doesn't care if your make up is perfect or what brand of clothing you are wearing, they just care that your there. Being a mother to me is unconditional love and faith in another human being.

What is Mothers Day to you?

"Mothers Day to me means to celebrate the person who you raised you, and loved you, and taught you to be the amazing mother and person we all are today".  -Robyn

"Mothers Day last year was very special having my baby with me, just being able to hold my two-month-old baby and being able to kiss and love her all day was enough for me" -Adriana

"Mothers Day to me means: spending time with the person who brought you into the world, who took care of you when you were sick, and helped mold and guide you into becoming the person you are today. My mother is very special to me and I am happy to have her and love her with all my heart" -Terri

"My micro-preemie son nursing for the first time on Mothers Day. He came home from the NICU about a week later" -Christie

“Having kids—the responsibility of rearing good, kind, ethical, responsible human beings—is the biggest job anyone can embark on.” —Maria Shriver

[lalast0ne]

Drunken rollercoasters

My first week at home had been a rollercoaster of emotions. I cried, a lot. My levels of frustration, with myself, were thru the roof and no matter how much people told me it would all be ok, I was having a hard time believing it.  I knew it would be a challenge coming home with Wilder and I don’t regret my decision, but it hadn’t had the desired effect on my memory that I had been hoping for.

Wilder has been nothing but amazing. He truly has the patience of a saint when it comes to my moods, giving reassuring cuddles and whispering comforting words in my ear when I need them most.  He’s still insistent that I don’t over do things and, to be honest, as little as I do during the days, I go to bed exhausted, both physically and mentally. Every night I walk up the stairs with Wilder holding my hand, kiss him goodnight, then head into our bedroom, while he goes to the room across the hall. I lay in a huge bed, alone, hoping that tomorrow is that day I’ll wake up with all my memories restored.  I want to return to normal life but I have no clue what normal life is.

3 days later than originally planned, Salem Lincoln sweeps into the house like she belongs here. 

Her almost white hair is piled on top of her head with tendrils falling around her face, softening her sharp features. The precise makeup she wears emphasises her cat like eyes, which are to be envied, and her many tattoos are absolutely mesmerising. She’s a real life pin up girl and if I ever had a girl crush, she’d definitely be it. 

The easy banter with Wilder and the sisterly affection she gives Jake make me feel slightly uneasy for a few seconds. Almost like I’m interrupting. When you don’t quite know your place, in your own home, it’s hard to watch someone else fit in so effortlessly. 

I make my way to the chair at the table in the kitchen and watch as the blonde bombshell makes herself at home. Hanging her jacket on the coat hook by the back door and kicking off her biker boots.

“Off you fuck, then.” I raise an eyebrow and scoff a laugh when she brightly aims those words at Wilder and Jake while she manoeuvres around the kitchen grabbing bottles of alcohol and glasses that are needed to begin our “meeting”.  Wilder’s hesitation to leave is written all over his face but Salem insists he give us space to work otherwise she is going to 

take me to the club.  That seems to be the only persuasion he needs.  A low growl reverberates around the kitchen and then he calls the dogs. Those muddy boots are on his feet and he and Jake were out the door within minutes, but not before he drops a kiss on top of my head and gives a stern warning to Salem to make my drinks weak because of my meds. 

According to Salem, this was something we did once a month; Changing up the ‘special’ cocktail menu so people never know what to expect when they come to the club.  We like the element of surprise in all manner of things at The Steele Cage because we want people to spread the word and to return.

Within 20 minutes of the men walking out the backdoor, I’ve heard the cliff note version of her life; Before and since she’s moved to Blacksoul, Her turbulent family background, how she came to be in the town and how she came to work at the club, all the while she continues to mix the drinks. 

“And you’re boyfriend is Kingston? Wilders best friend?” She pauses and looks at me over her shoulder.

“Wilder’s sent you fishing for details, has he?” She laughs softly and shakes her head. “Regardless of whatever sneaky lies that man has told you, you’d never tell him anything because he’d torment me and probably Kingston for all eternity.”

In the time it would take me to mix one cocktail, there are now 15 glasses of different colour drinks lined up down the centre of the table and Salem takes her seat opposite as she places the last one down.

“So, how are you finding it?” There’s something remarkably easy about opening up to a stranger, it’s why so many people walk into a bar and open up to their bartender. 

“That’s a loaded question.” I raise the first glass and take a generous sip, nodding my approval as I swallow and pass the glass to her, then begin to talk “This is where I need to be … with my husband .. but it’s hard. I’m petrified that I’m going to disappoint him. Both of them.  They’re used to me being a certain way, playing a certain role in the house and their lives. What if I don’t get that back?”

“Then you’ll adapt and work it out together because your their family and Wilders world. They’d do anything for you, Layla, and they’ll be by your side no matter how hard it gets.” She smiles wide and I take another sip of the drink when it’s passed back to me as she continues chattering “Now, Boss man insisted I water down the drinks because of your meds, but I checked and none of them are affected by alcohol. So, I say, lets get drunk.”

Salem’s looks alone are enough to make people take notice. Team that with her charisma and her ability to make everything seem like a good idea ... well ... men and women alike didn’t stand a chance in her presence.  

Salem Lincoln is undoubtedly a bad influence .. and I completely understand why I hired her. 

She hands me the second glass filled with a soft green drink, smiling sweetly as I take a large sip and swallow down  “Wow!” I cough a little which earns me a laugh. Suddenly I feel like she’s on a one woman mission to get me very drunk. “What’s this one called?”

She gives me an evil smirk over the rim of the glass and takes a tiny sip then holds the drink up “This one is called Death In The Afternoon.”

How appropriate.

[sundaenelle]

Volume X Chapter 15 2019

Part A

“We’re all going to die.” Sounds bleak, but true.

“Nothing is permanent in this world.” Cliché, but often overlooked.

“I don’t give a fuck.” Yet, I still do.

These are the mantras I lived by in another multi-verse. The one where I wake up to the sound of my alarm with a burning desire to conquer the world instead of anxiously repeating the mantras so I can get by work without completely losing my sanity.

I just finished watching an 18-episode Korean Series where the guy recollects his memories while dying. Basically, the series asks you to re-evaluate your life. If you were to die tomorrow, will you have any regrets? I for sure have tons on my list.

Didn’t say I love you to my mother, father and brother. (Sounds cheesy, but I know they can feel it through my heart-felt actions. But sometimes actions are not enough.)

Stayed at a job I don’t like. (Well, I totally don’t dislike Company B. But it has taken a toll on my mental health. My anxiety has consumed my inner peace. My creativity is lost. I’m sleep deprived.)

Didn’t travel enough while I’m still young. (I know I’m still young. The only responsibility I have as of this moment, is paying my phone bills on time. I don’t even have a boyfriend. Single as fuck. Yet here I am working my ass off at a company that doesn’t even recognize my effort. I don’t have children to feed or a husband to take care of, the only thing I have is me.)

Top 3 countries I will explore in 2020

Taiwan

Japan

Thailand

Single as fuck. (Refer to the third bullet point. But seriously, I’m afraid I will be single for life. What if it was the guy who showed interest in me, but I was too afraid to commit into a relationship and told him I liked girls. Funny story is, he kind of confessed in the beach that he was interested in me and looks doesn’t matter. Come to think of it, I wonder what he liked about me. Was it the way I drank beer? I had pimples back then. My hair was frizzy. So I shoved him off. What if he was the one? 

There was this other guy I met online. He was my first kiss, but he fucking ghosted me for a month. And now that he was back, he wanted to meet again HAHA. As if I’d succumb to his sugar-coated words. I blocked him. I’m still single. 

I don’t have any interest in online dating because I have self-doubt. I’m not physically confident enough to meet guys yet my standards are as high as the Burj Khalifa. So to the guy I’ll meet in the future if there is any, I hope you are doing great today. I hope that you are where you are right now. Hopefully our paths will cross soon. If it does. I’ll let you read Chapter 13 of my October Series. I’m not mad at you for taking too long, but let’s meet soon as your heart realizes there’s a woman yearning for affection after binge-watching a cheesy Korean Drama.)

Gave too many fucks / cared too much about what other people think / sweat the small stuff.

Death may sound daunting no matter how inevitable it is. But the things is, we truly have one life to live and we are spending our precious time as if we will wake up to see what tomorrow has in store for us.  

Currently:                      

Listening to midnight aura lofi / jazzhop / chillmix

Eating Dimsum Break Sweet and Sour Pork, Steamed Rice, Salted Chicken with Eggs

Feeling the Sunday Blues because I have work tomorrow / mild anxiety because of work

Watching Oh Haeyoung Again

P.S. I should go back to writing my daily musings again to get back on track.

Habits that I need to cultivate

 Sleep before 12 midnight

 Drink lots of water

 Read one book

 Read at least 5 articles

 Read the bible

 Meditate and pray

Part B

Toxic Work Cultures Make Best Employees Quit

(An excerpt from the article written by Bridgette Hyacinth)

When a boss acts like a dictator – shutting down, embarrassing, or firing anyone who dares to challenge the status quo – you’ve got a toxic workplace problem. That behavior creates an environment in which everyone is scared, intimidated and often willing to throw their colleagues under the bus, just to stay on the good side of such bosses.

A toxic company culture will erode an organization by paralyzing its workforce, diminishing its productivity and stifling creativity and innovation.

According the article, one of the solutions to eradicate toxic work culture is to get rid of bad bosses. But what if the bad boss is your BIG BOSS?

While reading the article I chanced upon on LinkedIn, I realized that the points listed are major red flags in our company. Company B is a prestigious company. However, I can’t thrive in an organization that injects fear to its employees. I can’t thrive in a culture where my mental health is at risk of spiraling down rock bottom.

Truth be told, Company B is a TOXIC company in terms of its management. I’m aware that there is no such thing as a perfect workplace. However, as a millennial, I’d like to flourish in an environment which empowers young individuals to strive harder through MENTORSHIP and not DICTATORSHIP.

Lately, I have been experiencing self-doubt in terms of the field I’m in. Am I on the right path? Is marketing for me? Am I creative enough? This imposter syndrome manifests in my inner critic because I feel like I haven’t accomplished something in this company.

I am tired.

I’ve been bombarded with a lot of tasks lately.

Major Event

Halloween

Branch Anniversary

Pre-Holiday Sale

Amidst all the inner criticisms, I need to pat myself on the back for accomplishing such feat at the age of 23. Come to think of it, I only had a year of experience in the real world. How much more in the coming years? Most of my fellow marketers at Company B are experienced in the field of Marketing I’m the youngest marketer yet I can deliver. I’m amazed on how I still continue and push through with whatever life throws at me. I’M STILL LEARNING.

Thus, the final verdict of this emotional rollercoaster I’m feeling at Company B is – I’m quitting.

I’ll tender my resignation on January 15 and will be effective on February 15.  

Short-term Plans after Resignation

Go on a TRIP to Thailand.

Rest for one month before I apply for another job April 2020.

Sleep

Meditate

Enhance Skills thru Digital Courses

Read Books

Get back on my creative track!

Look for a job in Cebu or Bacolod

Digital Marketing / Social Media Specialist

Operations Manager

Marketing Manager

This musing was written by the author on October 15, 2019. She was really frustrated to get the hell out of Company B, but she didn’t the have the guts to submit her resignation letter. Again, she’s free as a bird now and totally unemployed. She was planning a trip to Thailand, but COVID happened. Sucks!

[ebonix]

Gawd... let me learn all the lessons this month cuz next month I’m going bk to being the responsible adult. Man... Idek what to say for myself. I’m proud of the woman I’ve become, but this summer was literally an emotional rollercoaster. I can sit bk and laugh cuz... I’m alive. But ugh... I feel like emotionally I haven’t matured as much I thought. I have a bit of control. Can circumscribe a few boundaries but as soon as I pushed to the limit apparently E from the Eastside comes out. And I’m having the hardest time to reign her back in. Where tf are my hippie suppose peace and love vibes?!? Man the dude I spent the majority of this summer dealing with irks my soul!! He is just sooo immature and incapable of being what I need. But everything inside of me melts when he’s around. I see HIM and it sucks cuz he can’t see himself. He acts like a child and is swarm with his immature friends. At this point, I’m almost fed up. I just want him for his lips. As soon as I’m tired of kissing him I will be completely ready to move on. Then the guy I started talking to soon after my main guy is wayyyy sweeter to me. I was debating if he friend zoned himself or if I could actually like him. I could like him... especially if he stops the whole making himself just my friend. I realized I fux with his energy and may actually have deeper feelings for him and the fact that we’ve been able to build a friendship could work in my favor in the future when I decide to chill tf out. Maybe God made this my hot girl summer cuz he realized I needed a lil reality check. Lol These niggas are mean af out here. I was sooo naive and young. I totally feel ready to check niggas and move tf on with my life. God said peep this bs and get ready! But ALL this bullshit I’ve gone thru ... woah. Idek how to explain it... lol I really tried to not be a player. Apparently, I am! Oh welp! Then I claim it. Lol I didn’t know it was playing if all I’m doing is getting to know various ppl. I have 1 man I make out with. I TRY to not mention the others and how many of them it actually is. Cuz I don’t need any extra feelings coming my way. Niggas be catching feelings, but I’m staying single!!! https://www.instagram.com/p/CDENfjTJEN8f3vdr3bnj5E8RrlrAnALArNNi1w0/?igshid=w1p93d8ov93q