#giftee: polarnacht1

[sh-rare-pair-exchange]

Fight The Future

For @polarnacht1

I hope you like your fic, it was forged in the pits of despair and late-night inspiration and I did my best to write something my dear fandom friend would enjoy.

Summary: Alec is salty at Jace for giving the new girl attention at his expense. He feels that Jace is neglecting the parabatai bond to chase after Clary, and after the memory demon, Alec feels even more betrayed and left out in the cold. When he does approach Jace to clear the air, the conversation doesn't really go like in the series and 100% Jalec ensues.

Read on Ao3

Jace wakes up with a start, looking outside. It’s still dark, but birds are starting to sing. Soon, dawn will crack and everything will slowly be enveloped in light. That’s when Alec wakes up, from the first rays of sun in the distance, shyly reaching into his room and caressing his face.

But Jace is faster than that, and plus, he has an interest in reaching Alec before the sun does. Barefoot and wrapped in a blanket, he slips into his trainers, not lacing them this time, and on footfalls soft like a cat’s, he makes his way to Alec’s room below. Once at the door, he simply slips in, because no matter how many locking runes Alec stacks on his door and walls, they do not work against his own soul, which also lives in Jace, who takes full advantage of that.

Fortunately for Alec, the extent of Jace’s selfish intentions is to sneak into his room before dawn and climb into bed with him, burrow into his arms and just savour the last few minutes of peace before the day starts, together with his parabatai. Jace is the stronger one of them, but he does need more recharging. He seeks Alec’s closeness and needs it a lot more than the other way around. All this time, Alec is denying himself the comfort of being close to his parabatai like the bond demands most of the time, for reasons Jace fails to see or understand, and Alec shuts down and gets morose if he brings it up. But for now, Alec is still blissfully asleep, subconsciously having left room for Jace in bed since he sleeps on one side of the bed instead of in the middle, and while his bed is big enough for three of him, Jace likes to splay out and sleep in weird positions.

Carefully, Jace sheds the blanket he had around himself and toes off his trainers, climbing under the cover and snuggling close against his parabatai’s side. Alec feels the new warmth and weight pressing close and sleepily adjusts himself, wrapping his arms around Jace and pulling him near, taking one deep inhale with his nose in Jace’s golden strands, then falling back asleep with a contented smile on his face.

It’s later in the morning, but still early when Alec wakes up, the first rays of the sun tickling his face and making him need to sneeze. But it could also be Jace’s hair, since it turns out his bed again has an invader who crawled all up in his business, until his nose ended up buried in gold strands. He tries to extricate himself from around and under Jace without waking him, although he knows he stands no chance. It’s always the same push and pull, everything is a game to Jace. A game for him to win. “Where do you need to be this early? No one else is awake.” Jace says, sounding suspiciously clear for someone who just got jostled awake. “I bet even demons are sleeping in their slimy, disgusting little cots at this hour.” “This is when I wake up. Deal with it.” Alec says, sighing and rolling his eyes. “Not everyone is as lazy as you.” “I’m not lazy, I preserve energy.” Jace says, tightening his hold around Alec and somehow making himself impossibly heavy, so that Alec simply cannot move from under him. “I need to pee, asshole. Let me go.” Alec presses out through clenched teeth. “You’re not going to make me wet my bed, are you? We’re grown men.” “Of course not.” Jace says, moving off of his parabatai and looking at him disapprovingly. “I just wanted a few more minutes. We were so warm and cozy under there. Then your bladder had to ruin it all. And we’re not grown men, how is nineteen and twenty-one grown?” “I can drink in mundane bars.” Alec says. “And we’re Shadowhunters. We’re grown since the moment we got our first rune.” He stops as soon as he said that and he disappears in the adjacent bathroom, sighing. Jace got runes earlier than any child and Michael Wayland was not a particularly soft and mothering type. He did a lot of things to Jace that no child should have to power through or defeat just to stay alive or be allowed to be warm, rested and fed. Alec regrets putting his finger on that particular wound from Jace’s past just for the sake of self-defence in a low-stakes banter. Once he pees and freshens up a bit, he returns to his bedroom, where Jace is still in bed, his bare top half and his bare feet peeking out from under the covers. It’s enough for Alec’s imagination to go places he tried time and time again to forbid it to go to. Why does Jace have to be so alluring and then cruelly dangle it in front of Alec with no intention of ever letting him have a taste. It’s the supreme torture. Look, but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t taste. Taste, but don’t swallow. There is no greater hell, Alec thinks, trying to make his whole body wind down to a normal, placid state. He should not blame Jace either. It is his flaw that he is so vulnerable, so easily rendered powerless by Jace being so pretty, so soft, so warm and so clingy. And it’s his responsibility to fix this flaw in his nature, that makes him so weak to his parabatai’s mere presence, let alone closeness. It is a secret he must take to the grave, Alec thinks. Or find ways of managing, without affecting the relationships in his life and without hurting those he loves. Because it’s not just alright, but also expected of him to love his parabatai. But not like this… not in this gross and animal way, which stubbornly resists his attempts at discipline. If his mother knew, she’d kill him on the spot for once again covering their family name in shame just by existing in this way. For now, he has no choice but to look at Jace, who is still in his bed, slightly flushed from being warm under the covers, smiling at him and reaching for him, beckoning him to come back. It’s not right. They are men. They should not be snuggling together under blankets like children, no matter how good it feels. And frankly, Alec doesn’t see why Jace doesn’t realise how childish he is being.

Much later in the day, they’ve been training for hours and Alec is starting to see green dots dancing in front of his eyes. He shouldn’t have said no to that protein shake earlier. He’ll have one once training is over. But before he can take a break and refuel, he finds himself sparring with Jace, long after everyone else finished in the gym and left for dinner and their respective assignments for the night. Fighting with Jace like this is always high energy, wild and explosive, and Alec often finds himself barely keeping up, because, while taller and with a longer reach, he is not as fast or as determined as Jace and, while he can cleave his way around quite a few demons in battle, against Jace he is often just defending himself and blocking the blows which keep coming at a rate he can often not even process. Even with runes, there’s no way for him to match Jace (and you’d think angels would want to give each of their children a fighting chance, but okay, Alec has never been anyone’s first choice so he can live with that). As soon as he lets the thought of no one ever choosing him take centre stage in his mind, Alec’s concentration breaks and he sees himself hitting the training floor with his back, almost breaking it, if it weren’t for Jace’s quick reflexes cutting in, making Jace turn him on his side to avoid the painful impact. But, as soon as Alec is firmly on the floor, Jace is on top of him, straddling him victoriously and twisting his arm with no trace of his previous consideration for Alec’s bones. “Yield.” Jace almost sings the word, his elation at winning once again audible in the word.

“Asshole.” “Ah, but I’m your asshole and you love me.” Alec can only make an inarticulate sound in response, the pain from his arm tethering him to his body and reminding him he is under Jace, who sits on his lower back feeling incredibly heavy for someone as lean as him. He can’t really concentrate on the banter, because the feelings and sensations he loves to hate are taking over him. It starts with shame at being defeated, which is more of a reflex to him, then it progresses to relief, elation and a sense of peace, maybe even joy, that have his soul floating somewhere fuzzy and pleasant and leave his body on edge. Also, Jace being pressed flush against him, his every contour discernible through the thin workout pants, only amplifies his body’s response. Alec hates it. He hates that it gets to him so much, that he looks forward to these moments and they are the highlight of his week. It’s the one time when he no longer has to pretend and let go of his constant self-control. He feels dirty and broken for loving this, for feeling so right whenever he finds himself beneath Jace, yielding to him. And Jace never forces him past a certain point, it’s like a dance they do. Jace will be on top of him, immovable and unnaturally heavy, and he will thrash a bit, looking like he minds he’s under Jace, then Jace will tighten his grip and wait, with his cocky raised eyebrow and an indulgent smile, for Alec to be comfortable enough and choose when and how he taps out. Because, underneath it all, that’s what it’s about. Alec loves giving in. Not unjustly, but when Jace subdues him after besting him in combat, he feels pure relief, euphoria even, to just give in and let Jace know he’s won and has the choice to still keep him there a bit, to savour his win, or to let him go. And now? If only Alec could just get out of his own way for a moment. Jace is still waiting, still holding his arm in a vice grip, but the torsion stopped. Alec is still consumed with the sensations fighting to take the foreground inside him. The exhaustion from the fight, the adrenaline, the relief he feels every time he finds himself under Jace like this, and something else he does not dare put a name to. “Ah, fuck it.” Jace announces and releases Alec’s arm, but before Alec can buck up and try to shake him off, he flops forward onto Alec’s back and chuckles softly in his ear. “I can do this all day, I have nowhere pressing to be.” Alec fully intends to huff out his annoyance at Jace being a pest again, when he feels fingers in his hair, pulling his head to the side, and lips on his deflect rune. First soft and teasing, barely there, then full on sucking on the skin. The sound that leaves Alec’s lips sounds alien to him. “Yield,” comes Jace’s low-spoken command. Alec’s whole body does, before he can decide to still put up a resistance or not, and now he realises with horror what the mounting tension and that other thing he didn’t dare to name were, as he feels the wetness in the front of his briefs soak through the fabric of his workout pants as well. He only remembers to tap out because his body recalls being in this position often.

“Wow, Alec are you okay?” Jace asks, finally seeming to snap out of his weird cuddle-mode, after rubbing himself against Alec beneath him the way a cat rubs itself on a dead fish it found. It’s as though he finally remembered Alec is someone else, not his personal scratcher and small touch dispenser. He slips off of Alec’s back and lies down next to him, waiting. “Actually this is a good spot. Everything looks so distant and unimportant from this angle.” Jace comments, slipping his hand into Alec’s nearby one. “No really, are you okay?” “Yeah, fine.” Alec says eventually, still feeling like someone filled him with lava and screwed the lid back on. “Just tired I guess. Why did you have to do that to my poor rune?” “You were not reacting! You weren’t responding to pain and I didn’t have a good spot to tickle.” “Well, it fucking worked, too well I might add. I’m here now. And will be feeling like I’m full of bees for the rest of the day.” “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to snap you out of whatever that was.” “I don’t know what that was myself. But it might be a while until it passes.” “Hey, do you think maybe one of those huge plants you walked into in the Seelie realm gave you some weird shit? You were covered in pollen at some point when we got out of there last week.” “Maybe,” Alec says, removing his hand from around Jace’s and turning to also lie on his back on the floor of the gym. Jace slips his hand in Alec’s again and sighs. “I don’t feel any different than before, certainly not worse.” Alec says, closing his eyes. The cause of how he’s been acting lately is lying next to him, with his smaller hand pushed obstinately in his. Jace is his heaven and his hell, and he has no idea how he’s going to cope with it going forward. The older they get, the less acceptable Jace’s over-affectionate ways will be and the less they will be allowed the same level of intimacy they are allowed now. And Alec still has to find a way to handle his less than angelic needs and urges, the ones which have been tormenting him ever since Jace turned seventeen and Alec’s body let him know they were no longer two kids shivering under one blanket. Just the thought of that makes him feel cold inside and alone. He hates that he’s alone with this big ugly secret and that he has no one to at least talk to.

Clary’s arrival shakes Alec’s world from the ground up. Actually, no. He feels like his life has been put into a blender and someone added a sack of dogshit in there, then put it all on the highest speed setting. Jace acts like he’s possessed, following the new girl around like a little puppy. It’s disgusting to witness and Alec does not have the heart to stick around and watch, for his own sanity, but also, he feels he has to, because if he doesn’t keep a clear mind, his parabatai will get himself killed on his mad quest to help Clary and also get into her pants. It all comes to a head in a cemetery, late at night, as they are having a heated argument about the ways and the extent to which they’ll help Clary, standing next to a weapons cache that Jace knew about. But the fake grave did not hide a bow and arrows, so Alec has to return to the Institute for his own weapons. However, before he goes, he tells Jace how much he doesn’t appreciate that Jace, otherwise capable of prolonged focus in battle, is ready to get them all killed just because he desperately wants to get laid. It’s when Alec sees a new expression on his parabatai’s face, although he thought he’d seen them all. It’s disgust, mixed with disappointment and betrayal, and Alec instinctively knows he’s crossed a line and he cannot go back behind it. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” Jace says, and the mission carries on, although Alec now feels like his mistake takes bigger and bigger proportions. It’s even more terrifying that Jace let it go so gracefully, because this is very unlike him and Alec feels himself get sick with worry about what his latest mistake will mean for his future with his parabatai. What if this was the final drop and Jace decides he’s done with the whole parabatai stuff and walks out on Alec? What if Jace is so deeply wounded by his words that he does something reckless and gets himself killed? He looks death straight in the eye countless times, more often now that the new girl is in the picture, but that’s business as usual for Alec. What isn’t usual at all is the distance between him and Jace at daytime and during missions. The bond starts to let him know Jace is in actual pain from staying away for so long, and that knowledge crushes Alec. Even though he hates that his parabatai took an interest in a mundane girl, he hates the fact that Jace feels unsupported and without his parabatai having his back even more. At night though, once everyone settles for sleep, Jace lets himself into Alec’s bedroom. “Scoot over.” Jace says, looking like this day in particular got to him. And nothing ever really gets to Jace. Alec is tempted to ask him why he doesn’t go to snuggle with his new favourite person, but he reconsiders, and instead does as he’s told, noticing the weary way Jace collapses into bed next to him and seeks his warmth. Jace came in wearing a hoodie with no t-shirt under it, and as soon as Alec pulls the blanket up over him, he wriggles out of the hoodie and burrows closer, sighing and nuzzling into the side of Alec’s neck. It’s a strange feeling, to be the source of both pain and relief for his parabatai, and Alec feels overcome with the urge to protect the boy currently hiding from the world here, under his blanket, in his bed. He shouldn’t think of Jace as a boy. They are men, like he himself likes to often point out, but he knows all too well that’s bullshit. Jace is a boy, and the fact that he was taught how to use very sharp and deadly things from an early age doesn’t make him mature, just as the violence he endured and the brushes with death he survived don’t make him any less fragile and deserving of care. They had a long and intense day, as was the case every day since Clary came crashing into their lives. While Izzy might find it exciting to not always “go on a mission, kill demons”, Alec doesn’t appreciate the direction their lives are changing towards. There is, however, one positive side to it all - they are so busy chasing the new girl’s visions and dream snippets, that is, when they are not

fighting for their lives, that Alec no longer has the mental space to dwell on his thoughts and feelings about Jace. That guilt about not loving his parabatai properly and that shame about being unable to stop himself from responding to Jace’s  presence, his looks, his sweetness… all that is suspended for the time being, until the new girl finds her mom and until they aren’t running from one clue to the next. After that, Alec is sure of it, he will have to answer to his mother and to the Clave for all the times they broke the Accords, and after that none of this will be his problem anymore because he’ll most likely be sent to the Gard and/or executed. The fake sense of peace he gives himself at the thought of dying so young is shaky at best, and its only leg to stand on is his conviction that Jace fell for the new girl with the red hair, who is all the things Alec could never hope to be. And since Nephilim only love once, there goes his last, scrawny little hope. “Alec. Go to sleep, I’m begging you. We need all the energy we can spare these days and you’re wasting yours on worrying.” Jace says, snuffling into the warmed cotton of Alec’s sleep t-shirt and putting an arm and a leg over Alec, as though to help keep the worries at bay. It does help, and Alec eventually drifts off to sleep, feeling pleasantly warm and cocooned with Jace tangled around him like a clingy, sleepy kraken.

It doesn’t help that the warlock they met with escapes without them getting any useful information, and now the ruby necklace Hodge gave them is missing too, and for nothing. Jace insists on parabatai tracking and while Alec knows it works, especially when the two of them do it, he’s furious he has to do something so intimate and powerful with an audience, specifically with Clary watching. But he has no choice, so he goes along with it and as usual, he gets so lost in Jace and is left craving his actual, physical closeness in any way he can get, but instead he gets Jace shaking the remnants off the magical workings of the tracking like it’s some pesky residue he has no time for. Sometimes, Alec could swear Jace feels the same thing he feels, in those long seconds between the moment they pinpoint what they are looking for and the  moment when Jace remembers their mission. And it kills him to see, every time, that Jace chooses the mission over diving into that feeling. Alec also overhears Clary telling Izzy that their parabatai “thing” looks awfully intimate and he sighs, hanging his head in powerless annoyance. He would have preferred that Clary not see their tracking. She may as well have seen them naked. He feels even more alone when Izzy meets him in the basement of a meat-packing facility right next to the Hotel DuMort, and she has fairy dust on her dress, which points to the exact nature of the intelligence gathering work she did to get them here. Where they will probably die distracting “only” a few tens of vampires sent by Camille Belcourt to deal with them. And for what? For Clary’s pet mundane friend, a human so revolting, so loud and inconsiderate of their customs that Alec regrets not smiting him where he stood the first time he darkened the floor of the war room at the Institute.

“Alec, you should consider loosening up now and then. We all need it. You’d be happier if you weren’t so damn repressed.” Izzy says, amused, as they fight off droves of vampires. “What do you even know about repressed? You’ve never not done exactly what you wanted, how you wanted it and you always got away with it.” Alec says, remembering how unjust it was that she was daddy’s little princess and perfect warrior who could do no harm while they grew up, and that at the same time he was being saddled with responsibility for her mischief. He’s amazed her antics never got him whipped, and that is only because Jace usually got mixed up in whatever Izzy had cooking and Jace always had a big mouth and a lack of consideration for their parents’ authority. “I know enough to tell you that you need to stop being like that before you get yourself killed.” Izzy says, while gracefully deflecting a swat from a clawed vampire hand and slaying the vampire who dared come close to her. Suddenly, all the vampires run away in the opposite direction, as though answering an inaudible call, and Izzy and Alec are left alone in the damp basement. “To the penthouse, now. Jace and Clary are about to be swarmed by vampires, and Camille is up there too!” Izzy thinks aloud and books it to the penthouse, giving Alec no choice but to run after her. If this mission had a high chance of going really really badly for them, that chance just went up to 100%, Alec thinks. There’s no way they are leaving that penthouse.

They somehow do leave the penthouse, but only because one of the vampires has the wisdom to avoid further breaking of the Accords over a stupid mundane that turned out to really not know anything of value. Camille escaped, and Alec knows this is going to come back to bite them, him in particular, in the ass. Camille has been getting more unhinged and power-high lately, setting up dens of subjugates and acolytes all over the city, acting like the whole world is her personal blood bag. She also has her eye out for the Mortal Cup, which was why she had Simon abducted in the first place, and their only luck is that Clary genuinely has no idea where her mother stashed the damned thing.

He still doesn’t know why he got so immeasurably angry at Jace, enough to throw a fit and go at his parabatai’s throat right there on the roof of the Hotel DuMort. In hindsight, he feels embarrassed and he regrets fighting with Jace and telling him all those words which he would give anything to be able to take back… and in front of the new girl and her mundane boyfriend.  Jace was under a lot of stress, trying to keep everyone alive and prevent the whole vampire situation from escalating into open war. And sure, he was blinded by whatever he is feeling for Clary these days. Alec feels like he tarnished their bond by questioning Jace and forcing him to look at a reality that should not have come between them like a double sided blade. On one side, he told Jace that he expects to be trusted without question and deferred to as the older one and as the appointed leader. On the other side, what he did not say cut deeper than whatever did end up said - again, in hindsight, his unspoken “I go along with all this because I love you” must have made Jace feel like a child being spoken down to, and ultimately cheapened the bond they share. He doesn’t know why he is like this lately. So resentful and hostile, especially to Jace. It must be the arrival of Clary and the feelings of utter jealousy and envy she stirs up in Alec. It’s not fair. He and Jace grew up together, killed together, bled together, patched each other up so many times after missions, and then this… this girl comes along and just like that, Jace no longer sees reason or hears strategic advice from people who love him and who did not betray him. At this rate, Jace is either going to end up getting killed or he’s going to get them all killed. Alec doesn’t see that the resentment he allows to brew inside him is poisoning him. These days, he feels like it’s him, alone, against the rest of the world, and no one has the time or understanding for what he is going through. At times, he turns his resentment toward himself - after all, he was stupid to think Jace will want to stick around for life. Parabatai or not, no one but Alec takes the bond seriously. It’s there to give two people a little extra edge in battle, but that’s where the whole organic part of the bond stops. The rest is up to the people involved - some are closer and like each other, others are detached and can’t wait to put physical and emotional distance between them and the one on the other side of the bond.  While Alec thinks Jace might be in danger of bringing harm to himself or to others around him, he doesn’t see that his constant focus on the dark thoughts tormenting him relentlessly makes him the weakest link in their group. It all comes to a head at the High Warlock of Brooklyn’s loft, where they find themselves after the search for Clary’s lost memories has them facing an inevitable encounter with a higher demon. There’s a complicated summoning ritual involved and Alec knows everything is going to hell in a handbasket the moment his hand slips into Jace as they all gather in a closed circle to summon the keeper of Clary’s precious lost memories. The demon demands a price in exchange for the memories. They each have to relinquish a memory of the one they love the most. Alec feels his palms become sweaty the moment Magnus Bane announces what is demanded of them. He looks around in disbelief, no one is finding this as violating as he does. But then again, no one is hiding a terrible secret like he is. Clary’s memory is of her mother; Izzy’s is of him and before he can break the circle, the column of black smoke pries a memory of Jace out of him, letting it float in the middle of their circle before swallowing it. “No. That’s not true. The demon deceived me.” Alec says, panicked and completely succumbing to his greatest fear coming true. He’s been exposed in the most undoubtable way. “Do not, under any circumstance, break the circle.” Magnus shouts from across the pentagram, but it’s too late, Alec’s fear and shame win over him and he breaks the connection, ready to run away. But once the

circle has been broken, the demon’s power is no longer contained and black tendrils of smoke reach out to grab Alec and drag him to the lower levels of Edom where the demon reigns. Without hesitation, Jace gets between the demonic arms and Alec, pushing his parabatai out of harm’s way and getting caught instead. Alec watches, paralysed with fear, as Jace gets slowly pulled into the demon realm, and he would like to act, but he’s frozen in place and feels like his soul has already severed its connection to his body and is watching powerlessly from a distance. Jace is as good as lost to them, to him, since Clary needs the memories more than she needs any of them. He watches, amazed, as Clary activates her seraph blade and stabs at the demon with a determination he never thought her capable of. The demon dissipates and as it does, it releases Jace, throwing him down against the marble floor. Moments pass, and no one dares to move. Clary is crying. She asks Magnus if Jace will be alright, and Magnus makes a smartass remark. “Don’t… Don’t talk like that about him.” Alec says, finally snapping out of his petrified state and kneeling next to Jace, together with Izzy, helping her turn him on his back. Long moments of uncertainty pass, and Alec thinks the worst. His guilt and shame got his parabatai killed. He does not deserve to be alive, his shame and cowardice cost the person he loves best in the whole world his life. Jace wakes up with a cough and he sits up, looking around in confusion. It is clear he did not expect to survive this. Alec moves away, fleeing to the adjacent room, figuring Jace will not want to lay eyes on him after he nearly got Jace killed. Clary and Izzy are helping Jace anyway, he’s not needed. “You know, it’s alright to feel the way you do,” Magnus says, walking past him. Alec leaves the loft on his own, returning to the Institute and tackling the paperwork that awaits him. They’ve done a lot of unauthorised things and the Clave will want answers, but right now, he would rather be interrogated by all the Silent Brothers and the Inquisitor than deal with Jace, Clary and his sister.

“Alec, you can’t continue like this. You need to talk to Jace.” Izzy says. “Jace and I are fine, just under pressure. Valentine is back. War is imminent.”  Alec replies, trying to appear distant and sombre. “You are a fool and a coward, Alec. I look up to you, you’re the best older brother a girl could wish for, but you’re letting your hangups cloud your judgement and you’re screwing your life up. And not even just yours. You’re hurting people you claim to love. He’s your parabatai, he deserves better.” Izzy says, walking away without waiting for a reaction.

Alec is left alone in his office, unable to hold back the tears now running freely down his cheeks.

He catches up to Jace on the plexiglas walkway which leads away from the war room to the training area. “Jace… I… I wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened at Magnus Bane’s. I thought…” “Why did you panic so much?” Jace stops and says, turning to look at Alec and giving him his entire attention. “Because I… of what it looked like! Like… I didn’t want the others to know and think… that I love you.” “But I love you too. Surely, it should feel comforting, not upsetting?” Jace answers. There it is. The letdown. Alec feels his heart shrivel up and die inside his chest. Of course Jace loves him, but not in the same way. Jace is not misshapen and corrupt like him.

“Yeah. That was stupid of me.” Alec says. His face muscles hurt this time, as he tries to compose them in something that looks convincingly like a smile. “Alec, stop.” Jace says, his voice still soft, but with an edge of worry in it. “Don’t do that. I love you, is that nothing to you?” How do you fight the future if the one person who needs to hear you doesn’t listen? Jace can see the rift gaping between Alec and him and it made him quickly reassess his priorities. Preventing a war is urgent, but the parabatai bond takes precedence over that, hands down. Alec freezes and tries to swallow, only to find out his throat is closed and dry. “Why are you torturing us both? I had my suspicions before, but after what happened at Magnus Bane’s house, I know for sure you feel the same about me as I do about you. Am I really wrong here?” Jace continues. Alec makes a small, pitiful sound in the back of his throat when he tries to speak, and when that doesn’t work, he quickly shakes his head no. “But… Clary?” He manages, after a while. “Clary reminds me of me, a long time ago, and how scared I was after watching my father die and not knowing what the future held, or if I could make any decision that wouldn’t be a complete fuck-up. Luckily, I met your family, and you, and you took me in and treated me like one of your own. It was good to not be alone. To have a family and help learning to fit in. Although I must say, even at ten years of age, I had more common sense and self-preservation than Clary does now.”

Alec nods fondly. “You did.” He agrees.

“I fully intend to help her find her way through our world and get her mom back, maybe even avert a fucking war. But no one, no one ever can replace you in my soul or my heart.” Jace says. “And just so you don’t write my big words off as casual parabatai stuff…” Alec forgets he wants to ask how that sentence ends, because what he’s now feeling is intoxicating and overpowering. Jace walked into his personal space and glued himself flush against him before standing on tiptoes and kissing him. Not invading, asking gently to be allowed close, but again having the bigger pair. It’s not like Alec imagined kissing would be - wet, squelchy, tolerable at best - at least the first few times. Jace’s lips are pillowy and smooth, warm, silky-feeling, yet firm and just that simple touch to his own lips feels so right to Alec. It’s not so much a kiss as it is a caress at first, but then it progresses to more when Jace nips at his lower lip and Alec lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. His arms respond before he can figure out rationally what to do, and while they are standing in one of the most public and visible places in the whole Institute, Alec could not care less if he tried. He wraps Jace in his arms and pulls him close, shyly kissing back. It’s his first kiss and he wants to do well. “Alec…” Jace pulls away for a bit, looking fondly at his parabatai. “This is not something you need to do well in. Focus on unwinding so you can enjoy it. That’s the only thing that matters.”

Alec nods, a bit amazed and still very grateful that his parabatai caught his unhealthy train of thought and addressed it. He then lowers his lips to Jace’s, which are a dark, inviting pink, supple and glistening, and now, Alec discovers, taste faintly like marshmallows, one of Jace’s favourite daytime treats.

Still, he immediately and completely surrenders control over the kiss when Jace deepens it, and he can’t help the little mewl escaping him when Jace’s tongue chases his and stakes its claim. The longer the kiss lasts, the more of his anxiety melts away. It actually feels tangibly good to be wanted like this, and it turns out he wasn’t as stupid as he thought he was to wish for this in his life. Especially if Jace is the one leading him down this particular road. It’s as easy as sparring, but infinitely better feeling, and Alec quickly figures out how to keep up with and respond to Jace. For one perfect moment, the world around them is blurry and far away, and Alec suspends his awareness of their Shadowhunter life, of where they are and what they do.

“You and I will need to resume this somewhere safe,” Jace says, pulling away and masking his arousal with an angry expression. He heard Maryse approaching way before Alec did. There’s that split second where Alec thinks “all this is a lie, he’s playing with you”, but then it dawns on him that Jace has been doing nothing but protecting him while he was here sulking about Jace also being nice to the new girl. Jace jumped between him and the memory demon after his huge fuck-up, without a single thought for his own wellbeing. He tends to the bond where Alec intentionally neglects it. He now jumped ten feet away from him so that his mom wouldn’t see him kissing his parabatai and send him to be executed.

“Mother. Jace and I were just talking about our last mission and filing our finds in a report to the Clave.” Alec says, his year-long honed survival instinct kicking in and allowing him to act casual and subdued, the way Maryse is used to him being. “That’s not a priority right now.” Maryse says, huffing in annoyance. “We have to lay low for a moment, not draw attention to this Institute, or we’ll wind up with the Inquisitor here when we least expect it. I need you two to stay on the girl’s tracks and find out where her mother stashed the Mortal Cup.” “We don’t even know for sure if Jocelyn hid the Cup or if Valentine was after her for something else.” Jace points out.

“No, it was the Cup.” Maryse says. “How do you know?” Alec asks, before he can censor himself. “I just know, Alec. Don’t ever question me again.” Maryse says, looking at Alec with disdain. Her and Robert’s past in the Circle may surface at some point, but she sure as hell is not going to volunteer that information - much less to her useless son. She then turns to Jace. “Jace, remember. Whatever it takes. Get this mission done. Find what Clary knows and make sense of it before she does.” Jace nods and smiles, a small reaction he developed as a handy response to Maryse. She thinks he is complying and on her team, he successfully masks his utter disgust at her leadership and parenting methods.

This was the longest day in Alec’s life, or at least it felt like it. He’s finally back in his room, alone, but he cannot silence the cacophony of voices in his head - voices which point out all the things which are going to shit in the most serious of ways. This is not “we’ll get Mother screaming at all three of us for a couple minutes” bad, this is “the Clave will execute us or derune us and sic every demon in New York on us” bad. He has no idea how he is holding it together, it must be because his mind prioritises worrying and also pencils time to worry in the future, making sure it and Alec himself make it into that future one way or another so that the future worrying can take place. In the midst of his racing, loud and dark thoughts, he almost forgot the conversation Jace and him had above the war room. The bond is muted, as usual. Jace is much better at keeping him out than the other way around. But a sense of trepidation and nerves still soaks the invisible threads connecting them.

He is about to switch off the light for the night when Jace walks into his room and gets into his bed. “You are making yourself sick, I could feel you overthinking from way up in the bell tower.” Jace says, making himself comfortable against Alec’s side. “I came to help. I’m not sleeping until you do.” Alec smiles and switches off the light. “I meant everything I said earlier today.” Jace whispers. “I was so scared you might deny it all and tell me to fuck off.” “But I love you too, Jace. Why would I do that?” “Overinflated sense of duty? Fear of Maryse?” “Look. It’s true. I do like having clear rules to follow. And I do fear my mom. But you are where I draw the line at. No one gets to you while I’m around.” Jace stays quiet, his silence expressing the thought they are both having right now. Alec nearly let a demon from the depths of Edom drag Jace back there because he didn’t want anyone to know he loves his parabatai. “I’m sorry. Fear and shame took over me.” Alec says. “And I understand if it made you think less of me. I was raised to be brave. But so much was and still is at stake.” “Which is why we need to be able to trust each other. And know that everything we do is from a place of wanting to protect each other. Also, it will please you to learn the parabatai curse is a big fat smelly piece of Clave propaganda. I couldn’t help but see Magnus reference it in a letter he was writing.” Jace says, and Alec can picture the cheeky smile accompanying those words. “You peeped in the High Warlock’s correspondence? Bad Jace.” “I didn’t get caught, it’s fine. And it was right there. In a closed room, on the way to the loo.” Jace offers. “You are… no words. Demons work hard, but you work harder. You want to see me with white hair in my twenties.” Alec says, but there is no bite to his words. “Magnus would have made you into shoes if he had found you snooping through his stuff.” “But he didn’t. And I have a feeling he may have casually and strategically left that letter on his desk.” “You don’t know that. But, it doesn't matter now, like you said, you didn’t get caught.” Alec points out. “You promised me sleep.” “I did,” Jace says, giddiness laced in his voice. “Can I touch you?” “Since when do you need permi- …” Alec says, but the realisation dawns on him as he speaks. “Oooooh. Like that. Yes. So much yes, Jace. You can do what you like with me. As long as you touch me.” “I value the trust you have in me, but I don’t want to rush. You got so fucking beautiful since we got done with puberty. I just wanna unpack you like a present and savour every inch of you.”

“Really? You think I’m beautiful?” Alec asks, blushing intensely in the dark and thinking of all the times when his shirt was soaked through and through from being in the gym with Jace for hours, and while Jace is always quick to shed as many clothes as the social setting allows, Alec never dares to do the same. Because his mother told him early on that no one wants to see a hairy, sweaty Nephilim.

“The most.” Jace says, shifting around in the dark so he can bring his lips to his parabatai’s and kiss him. “I’m so weak for how strong and lean you got, and you have no idea how hard it is to have to hunt with you and go on missions together and not look as thirsty as I feel.” With those words, he sneaks his hand under the blanket, opening the lace of Alec’s sleeping pants and slowly slipping his fingers under the hem, between the  fabric and the skin. Alec’s lower abs contract with his unmasked excitement.

“Oh fuck, yes.” Alec whispers, closing his eyes, then opening them anew. He doesn’t want to miss any of this. Jace sighs in contentment, finally being allowed to run his hands on Alec’s skin, map all the forbidden parts of him and make them his - all of it is a bliss he never thought he’d get to taste in this life. He then uses both hands under the blanket to pull his parabatai’s pants off. Alec didn’t wear underwear to bed this time, which makes Jace raise an eyebrow. Alec usually does wear underwear to bed, self-conscious about any stains and visible wet spots that might dry visible on the outer layer of the pants. This time, Jace doesn’t mention it, not wanting Alec to get self-conscious and second guess himself. Instead, he licks his hand before lying back down next to Alec, on his side, wrapping the hand he just made wet around Alec’s cock, eliciting a harsh gasp from his parabatai. “Weird?” Jace checks. “No, just… fucking finally.” Alec says, grinning sheepishly, but then closing his eyes right after, as though to hide his excitement. But Jace is not here to judge. He starts stroking Alec like he would stroke himself, but now he has the added pleasure of watching the effects of his touches translated into expressions on Alec’s features and it’s the most heavenly thing he’s seen. He never wants to stop being the cause of such rapt looks on Alec’s face. “You have such a gorgeous cock, Alec. You got so big, I think as big as me.” Jace comments, pressing his thumb on the underside of the tip, then using it to coax out the droplet of precome clinging to the slit. “Nah, no one’s cock is as big as yours.” Alec says, thinking of the one time he caught a glimpse of Jace in the showers. His mind was fried for weeks after, and then every time his mind replayed the scene. “...and you taste so good to me, too.” Jace adds, bringing his hand to his lips and lapping up the bit of fluid. “Oh fuck, I might not survive sex.” Alec says, watching Jace’s tongue dart out to taste him like… like it’s not the hottest thing ever and like it won't make his mind flatline like it just did.

Jace smiles lovingly. He won’t judge - his goal is, after all, to fry Alec’s brain in the best of ways and have him coming back to him for more over and over. “I changed my mind. Fuck slow.” Jace whispers, more for himself than for Alec, throwing the blanket off of them and to the side. Under the blanket, Alec is naked from the waist down, and Jace is still dressed. Jace licks his lips, thinking he planned this the wrong way from the start. He expected to have better control of himself, but Alec is like a drug. “Off with the shirt.” He says, removing his own and pushing Alec’s up while raking his fingers up his chest, letting them catch in the wiry hairs covering Alec’s pecs. He almost forgets the bottle of lube he brought in his pocket, so distracted by how turned on he is by Alec. “Do we have to go slow?” Alec asks. “I want to touch you too.” “Mmm that can be arranged,” Jace says and leans down, resting his hips on top of Alec’s and pressing down. “Take off my pants.” He adds, taking out the little tube of lube he brought along and placing it close by. Alec still blushes when he sees the tube, but his eyes darken at once with anticipation and unguarded desire. He does exactly as Jace asked him, sliding his hands down Jace’s back, until his fingers can slip under the hem of the pants and pull it down over Jace’s ass. Since he needs more reach, he opens his legs and sits up a bit, guiding the pants lower as Jace props his knees onto the bed. Jace shimmies out of the pants and comes to rest flush against Alec, looking down at their cocks, pressed close together. There’s a lot of things he needs to try, but there will be so many other times, he thinks, as he kisses his way down Alec’s front until he can take a lick of the underside of Alec’s dick, earning himself a small overwhelmed sound.

Alec grips the headboard above him, not wanting to impose on Jace by touching his hair like his first instinct was. Jace gives him a knowing look - one of these days, he will have to teach his parabatai that his desires weigh just as much as anyone else’s and he’s allowed to grab, touch, feel, take, be possessive. But now he’s going to make Alec fall apart. When he wraps his mouth around Alec’s now impossibly hard and hot cock, he finds more of his flavour hitting his tongue and he moans in appreciation. It’s also a bit overwhelming and a bit of a stretch and Jace loves the challenge. He’s never had a cock in his mouth before, but he intends to make the best of it, as with everything he applies himself to. With Alec, he loves the weight on his tongue, the way he feels full but also in control of Alec’s pleasure. Jace starts to move, to actually suck Alec’s cock and see what reactions he can coax, how gone he can get Alec to be. When Alec thrashes on the bed and begs him not to stop, he manages to smile around his mouthful and redouble his efforts. At some point, Alec just starts to thrust into Jace’s mouth, which tightens and relaxes against his shaft. Whenever Jace moves up and only has the tip in his mouth, he swirls his tongue around it and delves it into the slit, actually sucking, and Alec knows he will soon come like this. Jace’s hands caress the inside of Alec’s thighs, feeling and soothing the little nervous twitches in the muscles beneath the skin. Soon, Alec relaxes enough to rest his legs on the sheets - that’s Jace’s cue to reach for the tube of lube and coat his fingers, bringing them to caress across Alec’s entrance.

Jace had the sense to warm the lube up a bit before touching Alec with it, so the added touch is met with a little more than a muted gasp. He would stop to ask if it was too sudden, but that would mean letting go of Alec’s cock. Alec himself is caught between the hot heaven of Jace’s mouth and the by now pleasant sensation of being stretched and open gently. He wants more of the mouth and more of the fingers, so his thrusts get more urgent and gain in amplitude. “Please… I’m going to come…” Alec pleads at some point. Jace found a spot inside him, which sends white-hot pleasure all through him every time it’s rubbed over, and it feels as though it’s the only thing which keeps Alec being possibly knocked unconscious by the strongest orgasm he’s ever had. Jace pulls back and kneels up, looking at Alec’s cock, now glistening wet and twitching, dribbling precome into the hairs on Alec’s lower belly. He cannot help but keep moving his fingers slowly inside Alec, the sensation delicious even for him. Being inside his parabatai might be what finally breaks his tight grip on his own self-control. And while there’s nothing more terrifying to Jace than losing control, he looks forward to it now, knowing he’s experiencing it with the only person in the world who makes him feel safe. But he pulled back too late, a fraction of a second too late, and he gets to watch as Alec shivers and pants through a full-body, long and hard release, with Jace’s fingers buried in his ass and his cock untouched. Jace is about to say something, he is not sure yet what exactly, but Alec cuts him off: “I want you to come inside me. Please. I want to feel you so badly. I’ve waited so long. Please, Jace. I’ve been ready for so long.” Jace opens his mouth and closes it again, at a loss for words. But, like in the past, he can show Alec how he feels. First though, he uses his discarded shirt to clean Alec’s lower belly and he pulls Alec’s hips up on his lap, lining himself up and spreading lube on his engorged cock before pushing in, watching Alec’s face for reactions. The way his parabatai’s chest is heaving and the sheen of sweat on Alec’s skin make him look like a vision, and Jace is weak, weak, weak. When he bottoms out, he closes his eyes, committing the moment and what it feels like to memory as best as he can. Alec is now his, shaped to fit him, and there’s a deeper, more daunting feeling, vast as the ocean, and Jace cannot tell if it’s because of him having always been a motherless stray, if it’s just the way being joined to his parabatai feels like or both. It’s an overwhelming, almost crushing feeling, but he rides it, unafraid of going deeper within himself, knowing Alec is there, warm and welcoming, anchoring him to the here and now. He starts to move, setting a hypnotic rhythm to his movements, watching Alec arch off the bed, his hips still in Jace’s lap and only his head and tops of his shoulders still on the bed. Instinctively, he reaches out with one hand, which Alec takes and holds on to steady himself. By now, Alec is hard again and leaking onto his front again. His walls squeeze gown on Jace’s cock, as though unable to get enough of the feeling of being filled over and over. When their eyes meet, Jace knows this is it for him. He pulls Alec up, wrapping his arms around him, holding him close, kissing him and bringing their foreheads together. When he feels he is close, he wraps a hand around Alec’s cock. “Can you come with me?” He asks, his lips moving against the salty, moist skin on the side of Alec’s neck, right across where a vein pulses beneath. “Yes. I’m so close, again.” Alec say breathlessly. “Angels, Jace. You’re everything and more.” Jace feels himself fill up with warmth at Alec saying those words to him now, as a lover, not just as a parabatai. A few more thrusts and he comes inside Alec, feeling as though his entire world was burned down to ashes and rebuilt anew.

Not a second later, Alec follows him into a second orgasm, this time less explosive but longer-lasting, making him flop bonelessly against Jace, not moving to disengage just now. They both wince and squeeze their eyes shut later, when Jace guides Alec back down onto the sheets, which makes him slip out. “Yeah, I hate this part,” Alec sighs. “But having you close and not be a fantasy or a dream is still such a good change from before.” “I don’t even know how I told myself I could live without this closeness. Without you.” Jace sighs back. “I’m going to love you with every beat of my heart. In every way that I can.” “And I’ll be yours for as long as I live.” Alec murmurs back, shifting onto his side so he can prop himself up on one elbow and look at Jace. “Also, my butt will be sore for a while, but it’s like a naughty secret too.” “I’m sorry. I tried to be gentle.” Jace says, smiling apologetically. “You were. But the angels didn’t ration their gifts when they made you. No regrets. I get to benefit from all their blessings.” He silences the rest of Jace’s guilt with a long, sweet kiss, which earns him a pleased sound. Jace is actually delighted, Alec initiated the kiss and no longer seems shy about it. It secretly fills him with pride and contentment to see how right he was - how well he and Alec click together as lovers and as parabatai.

“How about… getting a drink sometime?” Magnus asks, feeling hopeful. The cutie at the other end seemed interested, if a bit shy and surprised to have the attention on him. He has chances, if he plays his cards right. “That’d be… good. Yeah. A drink.” Alec says, keeping the phone trapped between his cheek and his shoulder as he tries to choose between two shirts. One black and with a collar, one also black, but washed out because it’s one of his favourites and he wore it a lot. But which one will Jace like best? “I’m not asking if you are thirsty, I am asking you on a date, Alexander.” “Date? Uh… I… You know what? Thanks, Magnus, but I think my boyfriend would mind.” “Oh.” “Sorry.” “And here I was, thinking there’s a pleasurable side to doing business with Maryse Lightwood this time around.” Alec tosses the shirts on his bed, and the phone on top of them, staring it down, shirtless, as though trying to intimidate Magnus through the phone. Did the High Warlock of Brooklyn just imply he was an extra thrown in to sweeten a deal? Surely not, and Magnus Bane is a more refined man than that. “Oh, and tell Jace I will turn him into a snail and put him in a vivarium in my bedroom if he isn’t excellent to you at all times.” Magnus says, loud enough to be heard even without being on speaker. “Catch you around, Second Hottest Lightwood.” And with that, he ends the call, leaving Alec staring and fuming. Second Hottest Lightwood?! Second?! He then remembers Magnus met Isabelle too and he smiles. That is a title he can live with, after all. The thing he thought of first was much, much worse. Outside, he hears Jace’s footsteps approaching. “Hey Alec, are you ready? What’s taking you so long?” “I can’t find a good top!” Jace slips in, looking like he’s burning to say something. “Here I am! Found me.” “You’ve been dying to say that.” “You walked right into it.” “Admittedly. Which one?” Alec asks, holding up the two shirts. “For the mission, the washed out one, because you love it and you’re comfy in it. For later, I recommend this outfit.” Jace says, reaching into his pocket and placing a small item in Alec’s palm. “What the fuck is this?” “It’s Clary’s gold-threaded Invisibobble. Or the creative man’s cock ring.” Jace says with a wink. “Now let’s go, those demons aren’t going to dispatch themselves.” Alec follows Jace out of his room, having put on the comfy older shirt and shaking his head. If there’s a war coming, he doesn’t think he’ll notice it unfold.

(the end)