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justagalwhowrites · 1 year ago

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Lavender - Ch. 30

You, Joel and Ellie come to new understandings following Tess' death. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-29 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: None for this chapter! No use of Y/N. Whole fic is violent and smutty so Minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 4.7k

“Should stop here for the night,” Joel said.

It was the first thing any of you had said in hours. The sun was setting, the woods around you were stilling.

You’d made it a few miles outside the city, the three of you trudging more than walking. You were glad that Ellie had been quiet. It wasn’t her usual way and you really didn’t want her pushing Joel’s buttons, not right that moment. You only really needed to get through the next day with him, that was all. Even though thinking of everything after that made your chest hurt.

The two of you followed Joel off the trail to a level patch of ground. He dropped his pack and just looked at you for a moment.

“Need a minute,” he said eventually, stalking off in the woods.

“Shouldn’t have just left her like that,” Ellie muttered, plopping down by a tree and leaning back against it with a sigh.

“There’s nothing we could have done,” you said quietly. She looked at her own arm, which you’d patched up once you were clear of the city. “Ellie.” She looked at you. “You couldn’t have fixed her. It’s not on you. None of this is on you.”

She tensed her jaw and looked back down at her arm. You sighed.

It wasn’t Ellie’s fault but it was yours. You sat down, away from Ellie, and leaned back against a tree, closing your eyes. If you weren’t so fucking useless out here…

You saw the infected go for Joel and you’d just reacted. Shooting it probably hadn’t been smart but it had been instinctual. He was in danger. It didn’t matter that Joel would have been better at handling it than you, you had a gun and you could handle it now, you could kill it or draw it away from him and that’s what mattered. For a second, you forgot that you had to protect Ellie, too. For a second, you’d only been worried about him.

And then the gun jammed.

All you’d been able to do was watch the clicker come for you and throw Ellie out of the way. You hadn’t thought to try to reach your knife after you threw her, didn’t have any other option but to try to hold the clicker back, you weren’t strong enough to shove it off you. Its snarling, gnashing teeth and fungus enveloped face were inches from your skin when Ellie hurled herself at it, her insignificant weight nothing when compared to the large, now inhuman body that was crushing yours. Tess had been all but forced to step in, knocking the thing away from you. All because you’d been fucking stupid.

In hindsight, your last conversation with Tess made infinitely more sense.

You’d sent Joel and Ellie on ahead - wanting to put distance between both of them and the museum - while you worked on Tess’ ankle.

“Let me know if what I’m doing hurts,” you said, gently taking off her battered boot. “The goal is to make sure we can get you to walking comfortably. We’ll see if the Fireflies have something that can set you up better for a long trip…”

She looked you over for a moment, her back against the building as you checked her ankle.

“Shouldn’t have yelled at you,” she said. You glanced up at her. “That day, at the clinic. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

You shrugged, going back to work.

“Wasn’t like I was being a particularly nice person,” you replied. “I deserved it.”

She looked at you again.

“He did it to protect you,” she said. You looked up from her ankle. “Joel insisting on taking Andrew. He did it to protect you. The raiders were getting bad and the worst thing a raider will do to a man is kill him. Maybe torture him first if he’s got something they’re after but shot quick is how it goes. Women they take. He wasn’t willing to risk that, not with you.”

“Why are you telling me this?” You asked after a moment, grabbing a bandage from your pack and starting to wrap her ankle now that it was properly aligned.

“Because he’s too much of a fucking idiot to tell you himself,” she said. “He’s always been an idiot when it comes to you. He’s my best friend, he’s been my best friend for a decade and a half and one of the most consistent things about the man is that he’s a fucking idiot when it comes to you.”

“Are you sure he’s not just an idiot when it comes to most things?” You teased, glancing up at her, but her face was serious. You frowned, pausing your work, holding her ankle. “Tess, are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’m just tired of him fucking things up with you. If everything is going to change then you should at least know that he wasn’t trying to be an asshole. He was trying to protect you.”

You sighed and went back to wrapping her ankle. When you finished the job, you helped her put her boot back on, tying the top as snug as she could bare to help support the wrap.

“At least you’re going to have at truck and you won’t be walking it to wherever the hell Tommy wound up,” you said, helping her to her feet. “And now you have a great excuse to just make Joel drive the whole way…”

She smiled grimly at that. You took a few practice steps with her to make sure her feet were under her before you started going over the board, Tess taking the crossing one slow step at a time.

When you were both across, she looked at you again.

“I feel like if things had been different, you and I would have been friends,” she said. And then she frowned. “Or better friends, I guess. You’re kind of the closest thing I have to a friend besides Joel.”

“Me too,” you half smiled at her. “We can always try now. Bit hard given everything but…”

“You still care about him,” she said. “Don’t you?”

You frowned at her.

“Are you sure, you’re OK?” You asked.

“Doc.”

“Yeah,” you looked straight ahead. “I’m always going to care about him, I’m always going to love him…”

She nodded before cutting you off.

“I need a favor,” she said, stopping in the street and looking at you. You stopped, too, your frown deepening. “If… If something happens to me, I need you to make sure he’s OK.”

“Tess, I’m not exactly a survivalist…” you replied but she shook her head.

“Not that way, he’ll be fine that way,” she said. “He needs someone. Right now, I’m who he has but he can’t survive without both of us. He needs someone. If something happens to me you need to make sure he’s OK.”

“Tess…” You were going to fight her on it. Tell her that you were pretty sure he didn’t WANT you to be someone to him, but she didn’t let you.

“Promise me.”

You sighed but she squared her jaw and fixed her eyes on you, like she was ready for a fight.

“Promise me!”

“OK!” You said quickly. “OK, I’ll make sure he’s OK. I’ve come running to patch him up enough times. I think you know that I’m always going to try to make sure he’s OK.”

She looked relieved.

“Good,” she nodded, a sense of finality to it, and she headed for the statehouse.

She had known, of course. She’d been bitten and she had hours left, at best. And she’d tried to make sure Joel was going to be OK.

How the fuck were you supposed to make sure Joel was OK?

He eventually returned from wherever he’d gone, still silent. He sat against a tree. After a bit, you went in your bag and got out what food you had. You gave some to Ellie, who crinkled her nose a bit at it, and tried to hand some to Joel. He just stared at it.

“You’ve got to eat something,” you said. He looked up at you. You wanted to apologize but didn’t want to push him too far. “It’s been a long day.”

He took it. You sat down again.

It was so quiet you could hardly bear it, Ellie eventually sighing and laying down, using her backpack as a pillow. Joel got up and draped his jacket over her before turning to you.

“Get some rest,” he said, his voice flat. “I’ll keep watch. Won’t be able to sleep anyway.”

“Joel,” you said softly. He just shook his head.

It wasn’t a restful night for you. Your dreams were filled with snarling, inhuman things that were always outside your control but never outside someone else’s. When you jerked awake, the sun was just starting to rise, the horizon blood red and purple.

Ellie was still asleep under a tree, her face tight. She probably wasn’t sleeping well, either. Joel was sitting, back to you, on a log.

You quietly got into your bag and found the notebook you’d tucked your pictures into. You found the one with Tess before heading for Joel.

He glanced up at you when you went to join him but didn’t say anything.

“I’m really sorry, Joel,” you said quietly. He sniffed, staring straight ahead. “She really cared about you. I know you cared about her…” You weren’t sure what to do with the gnawing guilt inside you, just that you couldn’t give it to him. “I’m here, if you need it.”

You handed him the picture. He looked at it and it hurt too much to be beside him then.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” you said. You didn’t wait for a response, desperate to put some space between you and Joel while you could get it.

***

“Where’s Doc?”

The kid’s voice was sleepy. The sun was fully up now.

“Said she’d be back soon,” he said gruffly.

“Oh,” she slumped back against the tree, the hair that had come out of her ponytail frizzy and wild around her face. She looked down at her lap, frowning for a second before looking back at him. “Want your jacket back?”

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t particularly feel like saying anything. The kid just sighed heavily, got up and brought him the jacket, dropping it on his pack before stomping back toward the tree she’d slept against. He ground his teeth.

Where the fuck were you?

He wasn’t sure what time it was. He wasn’t great at gauging how much time had passed since you’d left camp that morning. His mind wasn’t quite keeping up with things. He’d looked at the picture of Tess for a long time. She looked happy there. Happier than she ever really looked in the years he’d known her.

“About Tess,” the kid said.

“Don’t want to hear it,” he snapped.

“Well that’s too damn bad,” she snapped back. “It sucks that she’s dead but it’s not my fault and it’s not Doc’s. You and Tess decided to take us, we didn’t make you and Marlene didn’t make you. So don’t blame us because shit got bad. It’s not our fault so don’t pretend like it is.”

He just looked at her for a moment. She was right. He knew she was right. But then, he hadn’t planned on blaming either of you, anyway. No, this fell on him.

Him, stepping on the fucking glass. Him, not able to kill the damn thing before you intervened. Him, giving you a gun that jammed. Him, not able to get to you in time so Tess stepped in.

Him failing, failing, failing. Tess dying.

You came out of the trees, arms crossed tightly over yourself.

“Let’s go,” he said, voice gruff. “We’ve got about a five hour hike ahead of us.”

Joel led the way. Ellie had, apparently, decided one day of quiet was enough and started asking questions.

Mercifully, most of them were directed at you. The kid had never been out in nature before and it seemed like she had every fucking question in the world about it.

“So why haven’t we seen more animals?”

“How old are these trees, anyway?”

“Why was it just humans and not deer and shit who got infected?”

It was almost like watching you teach a class. You patiently answered all her questions, making sure she understood the root concepts you were using to respond to her. Part of her, it seemed, was just hungry to be acknowledged, have her thoughts recognized and understood. He could understand that. Sympathize with it.

And then she turned to the more personal questions.

“So,” she turned at walked backwards, facing the two of you. “Who’s Tommy?”

She raised her eyebrows, almost singing his name. Like she was trying to get under your skin. You groaned.

“It really doesn’t matter,” you said.

“I mean I think it does since you were apparently fuck…”

“What have I said about language?” You cut her off.

“That you don’t like swearing in your classroom and that there are appropriate times to swear,” the kid said matter-of-factly. “But we’re not in your classroom and that seemed appropriate to me.”

“Ellie,” you sighed.

“What?” She said. “C’mon, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!”

“He hadn’t been my boyfriend in a very long time,” you replied. “There was no reason he would have told me where he was going. He would have been more likely to tell Joel…”

“Joel,” her nose crinkled. “Why.”

“He’s my brother,” he ground his teeth.

“Ohhhhh,” she said, turning back around to face forward again. “So THAT’S how you know each other, OK…”

“That’s not…” you began and then seemed to think better of it. But you didn’t stop yourself fast enough for Ellie.

She turned back around.

“So how DO you know each other then,” she asked.

“Why do you want to know?” Joel asked, before looking at you. “Kids always ask this many questions?”

You just raised your eyebrows at him.

“If I’m going to be traveling with you two for a while…” Ellie began.

“Just goin’ to Bill and Frank’s,” Joel cut her off.

“Whatever,” she waved him off. “I’m the one stuck traveling with you two and you’ve got some kind of problem with each other. Kinda shitty for me to have to tiptoe around a problem when I don’t even know what the problem is.”

She just looked at you both, brows raised, thumbs looped through her backpack straps. You glanced at Joel. He sighed.

“Knew each other before,” he said eventually.

“Like you were friends?” She asked.

Joel ground his teeth.

“We were friends,” you replied.

“Just friends.” She sounded skeptical. You glanced at him again and it was a long enough pause that her mouth formed a small “o” before she started to laugh. “And you went out with his brother! Man, Doc, who knew you had it in you…”

You groaned. Joel resisted the urge to smile. Maybe the kid’s questions weren’t ALL bad.

“So is that how you got that scar on your head?” She asked Joel. “Get punched by your brother over a girl?”

She was teasing him. He ground his teeth.

“No,” he said, looking for something to say. He had never even told you what happened, certainly wasn’t about to tell some fuckin’ kid. “Someone shot at me and missed.”

“Did you shoot him?” She asked, voice serious again.

“No,” he replied. “I missed, too. Happens more often than you’d think.”

“Because you suck at shooting?”

Joel glared at her. She just rolled her eyes, facing forward again.

Joel led the three of you to a gas station that had become a hiding spot for supplies between Boston and Lincoln. Ellie went deeper inside while you looked over the shelves, not that there was much left. You picked up an old magazine, idly flipping through it.

“Anything good?” Joel asked.

“JLo and Ben Affleck called off their wedding,” you said, turning a page. “Too bad, too. Thought those kids were going to make it…”

Joel snorted.

It took Joel a second to find just where he’d stashed things, but an overturned shelf was on it now.

“Help me move this,” he called you over. You just nodded and picked up one side of it, getting it just far enough that he could access the floorboard. He kicked aside some of the remains from the shelf - mostly trash - but stopped when he noticed you staring down at something.

You’d all but frozen where you stood, a granola bar wrapper crumpled on the floor. You looked like you were about to cry.

“You OK?” He frowned.

“Fine,” you said quickly, picking up the wrapper and booking it for the door. “Just need some air, I’ll be outside.”

Joel looked toward the door Ellie had gone through for a moment before going after you.

You were pacing the parking lot, looking at the fucking wrapper. You were crying.

“Hey,” he said. Your head snapped up. You sniffed and wiped your tears, trying to hide it. “What’s going on.”

“Nothing,” your voice was thick.

“Not nothing.” He nodded to the wrapper. “Why’s that upset you.”

“Just haven’t seen one of these in 20 years, that’s all,” you said, not looking directly at him.

“Never seen you cry over trash before,” he said. “Why’s it upset you.”

“These stupid things are all I could eat when I was pregnant, OK?” You said quickly, almost angrily. But then you looked up at him, almost like you were scared of what he’d say. “I’m sorry, I know it’s… it’s a sore subject but… I had just fucking awful morning sickness, I couldn’t hold down anything but Clif bars and I haven’t seen them in 20 years and I hadn’t thought about that in so long and… It’s probably the reason I wasn’t infected to begin with, these were all I was eating. It’s what me and Andrew survived on, I had a whole stash at the house that I brought with me… It just caught me off guard, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

He just stood there, looking at you for a moment, the wrapper still in your fingers. He realized then that he’d actively avoided picturing you at that time. What it would have been like for you to make your way to Boston 20 years ago, especially knowing all that he knew now. But he imagined that you would have looked then much like you did now - small, vulnerable, scared. Part of you hurting and trying to hide it. It made his heart ache.

“Can I hold you?” He asked. Your eyes met his, surprised.

“You don’t have to…” you said, but he shook his head.

“I want to,” he said. “If you’ll let me.”

You didn’t say anything. You just kept your eyes on him and moved slowly, cautiously, until your face was against his chest, his chin on top of your head. His arms went around you, pulling you tightly to him. He could feel you breathing like this, the shuddering of you against him as you cried. He cradled your head to his chest and breathed you in, the last of the smell of your shampoo clinging to your hair through the wilderness and smoke and sweat.

“Ew!” Ellie came stomping outside a few minutes later. “See, this is why I needed to know what the problem was, apparently can’t leave you two alone for five fucking minutes…”

You pulled back from him, still sniffing a bit but no longer crying. You tucked the wrapper in your pocket.

“What, Gremlin? Want a hug, too? Feeling left out?” You smiled at her, your arms out. Ellie backed away, shaking her head, trying not to smile. “Come on…”

You drew the last word out and jumped at her, making her yelp and laugh before hiding behind a dilapidated gas pump. Joel felt himself smile a little before he realized he was doing it as he went inside to find his things.

“Are Bill and Frank nice?” Ellie asked as they neared Lincoln.

“Frank is,” Joel muttered. “Bill’s… Bill.”

“I’m surprised you don’t get alone with him better, honestly,” you said, looking up at Joel. He frowned. “Birds of a feather and all that.”

“Oh so Bill’s an asshole,” Ellie nodded sagely. “Got it.”

You snorted. Joel glared at you. You smiled a little back at him. It felt almost normal, almost like how life had been before. He’d missed it.

Lincoln was oddly quiet when the three of you arrived. Joel glanced down at you and he knew you felt it, too, a slight frown on your face. He waved to the camera but didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he just keyed in the code Bill had given him.

“Don’t leave the fenced area,” he ordered Ellie. “Not only are there sometimes infected and raiders in the woods, Bill’s got the perimeter booby trapped to hell and back…”

“Right, stay in town and don’t go looking for any fucking clickers,” she rolled her eyes. “Got it.”

Joel kept his weapon drawn as he made his way toward the house, looking behind him to make sure you’d shut the gate and were following, too.

He realized then some of what had made him uneasy. The plants in the planters had gone brown and were drooping. The grass was yellowing. Things that Frank never would have let happen.

“Shit,” he muttered. He looked behind him again. “Stick close.”

He knocked, hard, on the front door. There was no response but it was unlocked. He let himself in.

“Frank?” He yelled. “Bill?”

There were still plates on the table, the remains of the food rotting.

“Ugh,” Ellie crinkled her nose.

You frowned, going for the kitchen. You opened the fridge.

“Definitely been a bit since they were here,” you said. “Probably a week at least, you know how Bill was with cooking and labeling things…”

Joel started peering through the house, searching for some sign of where they’d gone, when they might return…

“Hey guys?” Ellie called from the dining room. He got to the room at the same time as you. Ellie was sitting at the table, her legs propped up on another chair. She held up a piece of paper and you frowned, going to look over her shoulder. “It said ‘to whomever but probably Joel’ so… I figured I was allowed to open it.”

He came to her shoulder as well. She looked up at the two of you before she started reading.

“If you find this… please do not come into the bedroom. We left a window open so the house wouldn’t smell, but it will probably be a sight.

“I’m guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would’ve been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Hehehehehehehehe. Take anything you need. The bunker code is the same as the gate code but in reverse. Anyway… I never liked you, but still, it’s like we’re friends… almost. And I respect you. So, I’m gonna tell you something because you’re probably the only person who will understand. I used to hate the world, and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong because there was one person worth saving. That’s what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him.

“That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do. And God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way. I leave you all of my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep…”

You were gone before she could say Tess’ name. Ellie just looked up at him, her eyes wide. Almost like she wanted to say she was sorry but wasn’t sure how.

He took the letter from her and went outside, too. He looked for you for a moment and caught a glimpse of you heading for the pharmacy. He took a deep breath, looking down at the paper again, remembering what you’d said about him and Bill. That they were the same.

He may have been different once, back when he first fell in love with you. Back when he felt capable of it. He’d become more like Bill since then. But there were still small glimpses of who he’d been before, of the man who thought that life was worth it. They were almost all with you.

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Tess. He did. There was a knot in his chest, knowing that he’d failed her. If he could have changed it, traded places with her, he would have. In a heartbeat. And the world would have been better for it.

But she wasn’t who he was here to save. She never had been, and both of them had known it.

He still felt it when he held you. That there was something he’d been built for, made to do: protect you. Before, that meant picking you up after a shitty date with a bad guy or making sure you didn’t overdo it when you got your appendix out. It had meant lifting your suitcase onto the scale at the airport when you flew home because he didn’t want you moving something heavy. Now, it was different. Now, it meant killing what scared you or threatened you.

Now, it meant getting you and an immune girl across a wasteland of infected and raiders in one piece.

He poked his head back in the house and found Ellie, now standing at the piano.

“Stay in the house,” he ordered, before going to find you.

He found you quickly. You were in the pharmacy, rifling through the shelves. Because Bill had locked down the town so early, there was still plenty left. Almost everything you hadn’t taken after FEDRA had stopped producing certain things was still there, minus what Bill and Frank had used through the years.

You turned and jumped when you saw him, your hand going to your heart.

“Scared me,” you said. Your eyes were shiny with tears, rimmed in red.

“You OK?” He asked. You just nodded, going back to sorting through medications, your back to him. “Hey,” he said after a minute. “Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, Joel,” you said, turning to face him. You leaned back against the counter behind you, your fingers digging into it so hard your knuckles were white. “I fucked up, I got her killed…”

“No,” he shook his head. “You didn’t.”

“If I’d just…”

“Not your fault,” he said again. His voice was gentle, his eyes wide and you couldn’t seem to bring yourself to look at him. You were looking at a half empty shelf of drugs instead, your cheeks wet.

You took a deep, shaky breath, before actually looking at him.

“I’m going to get her there,” you said, your voice surprisingly steady. “I’m not sure how yet but I can take a few days here, make a plan…”

“I’m taking you,” he cut you off. You frowned at him.

“Joel, no,” you shook your head. “No, I can’t ask you…”

“You’re not,” he replied. “I’m tellin’ you. You’re not doing this just you and her, you’ll get yourselves killed and then what the fuck would be the point. I’m takin’ you.”

You took a deep breath and he could tell that you were getting ready to argue with him so he cut you off.

“I already need to find Tommy,” he said. “Come with me. He knows where the lab is, right? You said he tried to get you to come there, said it was nice? We’ll find him, he can get you to the lab.”

You looked at him for a moment, eyes still glistening.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Joel,” you whispered.

“Then let me get you there,” he said softly, stepping closer to you until he was right in front of you. “Don’t make me lose you, too.” He could feel the heat of you against him, could smell your skin. You looked up at him for a moment before you just nodded and pressed your face into his chest. He put his arms around you for the second time that day.

“I’m going to get you there,” he said. “I promise.”

A/N: About to get on the road to Kansas City! As an FYI, we're going to get some stuff fairly in line with canon through that, then have a stretch of all OC shit for a bit. I hope everyone is enjoying this weird smushing it together thing I'm doing because I'm having fun with it!

I have a taglist, please comment below if you'd like to be added or if you've already asked but I slacked off and didn't add you like a chump.

Thank you, as always, for reading and spending time with these characters and my work! All your love for it has made this such a joy to share and I couldn't love you more!

Taglist: @paleidiot @ayamenimthiriel @ginger-swag-rapunzel @drewharrisonwriter @flugazi @pedropascalsbbg @taoyuji @starstruckmusiciansartghost @splendsay @bigboiseason123 @jpbplvr @ashleyandring @mrsyixingunicorn10 @sloanexx @ninaminaromina @lady-bellyn @hufflepuffriver @sarap-77 @storyarcscribe @mellymbee @jasminedragoon @lemonmeli @reds-ramblings @arizonadaydreamer @mumma-moonchild @blackroseguzzi @candypeaches16 @kittenlittle24 @wrappedinfiction @oatmeaiboy @pedritosdarling @winchestergypsy90 @imnotdatboii @lalalalemonade11

#fanfic #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #enemies to friends to lovers

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