#ghost never remembers how he ends up back in his own bed after a bender

[s0fter-sin]

it’s the sound that tips him off.

it’s late, half-past hell by his last count, and mactavish knows there shouldn’t be a single soul in the showers this time of night. though he’s sure if he asked, he’d be told a soul isn’t in there.

just a ghost.

he almost chokes on the thick steam filling the locker room; humid and hazy and the perfect cover. or it would be, if the man collapsed in the far stall cared about hiding.

mactavish hates himself a little for the low sigh that falls from his lips. he wishes he wasn't so disappointed; that the promises he's heard over and over and watched be broken as many times hadn't wedged their way into his heart and convinced him that maybe, maybe this could be the time it sticks.

he doesn't know what's worse; the disappointment or the lack of surprise.

he holds his breath through the steam and leans over the limp body; stinging hot water hitting his back, instantly soaking through his clothes and already starting to burn. he flicks the tap enough to take the bulk of the heat out and straightens; a groan startling out of the man beneath him at the sudden lash of tepid water.

mactavish crouches, knees clicking and hooks a hand under his bicep to pull him up straight against the wall. if there was any vomit on his skin, it's been washed away by the pelting stream and he supposes he can count himself lucky for that. he tilts his limp head back and slips his fingers into his mouth; holding down his tongue and ignores the way it lazily jolts under his fingers to check his airway.

clear.

another small victory.

mactavish pulls his fingers out and cups his chin, keeping him tilted up and moves in the way of the water again so he can pull at his eyelid.

the eye he's met with is cloudy, so dilated there's hardly a ring of blue left.

he sighs again; hand falling away and letting his eye fall shut. "god damnit, riley."

riley moans, all his weight resting on the hand holding his jaw.

"aye, 'm talking ‘bout you," he grunts tiredly.

he lets riley's head fall forward to grab his arm, pulling him away from the wall to sit behind him; propping his body up against his chest. he leans his head back over his shoulder, keeping his face out of the water and his airway open just in case he hasn't actually finished throwing up.

he takes the rag riley'd half-managed to soap up and mechanically runs it over him; cataloguing new bruises and cuts and checking if the old ones are healing. sickly yellow fingerprints ring his hips, red splotches paint his ribs; too new to have settled into the deep purple he knows they’ll become.

riley slowly makes more noise as he rubs life into his body; still lying limp against his front but his head's starting to roll restlessly on his shoulder. he swipes between his legs and carefully doesn't think a single thing about what he finds.

"sean?" he rasps and mactavish's hand stills; eyes falling shut. he bites his check, hand clenching around the rag tight enough to shake and breathes hard out his nose.

he doesn't say a word, just forces himself to go back to cleaning.

he's not sure what would come out of his mouth if he did.

riley isn't conscious enough to hear him anyway.

he runs his fingers over his inner elbows for tracks and manages to muster some relief when he doesn't find any. seems to be a pill and booze night; far from the worst condition he's found him in.

he rinses him off, running a curtesy hand over his shaved head only for it to fall back to his jaw; his thumb stroking over the thick scar carved into his cheek.

"you gotta stop doin' this," he whispers.

he isn’t sure if he’s talking to riley or himself.

mactavish gathers up riley's too-light body into his arms and turns off the shower. his head lolls into his throat and he throws a towel over his dripping body and another over his shoulder. it doesn't stop him from tracking water all the way to his quarters but he'd like to see someone try to put in a complaint about it.

he lays out the other towel on the bed and sets riley down; moving his body into the recovery position in an all-too familiar routine. he dries him enough that he won't soak the covers as he pulls them up to his chest and kicks the waste bin within grabbing distance of the bed.

he goes to pull off his sodden clothes when a different noise makes him freeze.

a low sniffle.

mactavish slowly turns back to the bed to find riley's eyes squinting open; glazed with tears as he kneads at the covers.

he stares at him for a moment as he looks around the room and those hazy eyes lock on him for the first time. "cap'n?"

he swallows. "aye; s'just me, riley."

his hand pokes out from under the covers and for all the promises he's made himself - all the “never again”s and “this is the last time”s - at the end of the day, he's weak.

he sits on the side of the bed and takes riley's hand in his; already so cold after nearly boiling himself alive.

"y' mad a' me?" he sniffs.

mactavish runs his tongue over his lip and slowly shakes his head. "no, i'm not mad at you."

"prom'se?" he pushes.

he reaches out and caresses his temple with his thumb. his hand almost covers his head and it cuts like a knife to remember just how small riley is. "aye," he says, hushed. "i promise."

riley's eyes fall shut, voicelessly murmuring 'promise’ to himself over and over.

"I’ll ge’ bett'r," he slurs and between one breath and the next, he's out.

mactavish sighs, running his hand in a final pass over his head and stares at a face that looks so much younger in sleep; bruised and sallow skin hidden in the shadows. "i know you will."

he presses a slow kiss to his forehead, shutting his eyes against the grief that wells in his heart and gets up to pull a chair over to the bed; settling in for another long night's vigil of watching his broken lieutenant sleep, ready to tilt him over if he throws up, eyes locked on the slow rise and fall of his chest fearing tonight may finally be the time it stops.

[enmy-writes]

Just Let Me Help You

Summary: Zuko, trying to keep is girlfriend safe, unintentionally gains the trust of the Gaang after a showdown with Combustion Man.

Word Count: 2728

Fandom: ATLA (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Pairing: Zuko x Fem!Reader

Genre: Mostly fluff, is fluff-angst a thing? Idk guys I’m soft, you tell me.

Rated: 18+

Content Warnings: Profanity, some gore graphics (brief mentions of blood, killing, murder), uhhhh that’s it I think I’m sorry if I forget anything else.

****Huge shout-out to my friends Kenz and Jenna for editing this and hyping me up. Hopefully, since this semester from Hell will be over soon, I’ll be able to write more. Please request things! Thank-you all for supporting this and let me know more of what you want to see in the future :) Also, feedback is always welcome. Enjoy!****

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They had landed the war balloon days ago, stalking the tired and defeated Team Avatar and trying to figure out how the complicated Fire Prince would convince the people he chased for months that he wants to help them now.

(Y/N) was stoking the hot flame provided by the fire bender, making sure the coals were burning a cherry red before she added leaves and herbs into a pot to make a stew for the two to enjoy. Her eyes followed Zuko as he paced back and forth, practicing what he was going to say when he finally decided to confront the rebel group, lips turned upward in an amused smirk.

“Hey, Zuko here…” she heard him say before he started rambling a bunch of nonsense about his past; from his discovery, to Azula, to his father-- all the tragic topics. It took him about three minutes, but he finished with a hopeful look in his direction.

“Well?!” He clenched his fists at his side in a nervous gesture, only wanting to get this right.

The girl on the log cleared her throat before speaking, obviously hiding her laughter from the sensitive boy. “Well… it’s perfect. I especially liked the ‘Hey, Zuko here’ part. I’m sure that Aang and his friends with be very pleased to finally learn your name instead of thinking you’re called ‘Angry Ponytail Hotman’.’’

He groaned loudly, rubbing his eyes with clenched fists. The melodic laughter from his companion tempted him to give up his quest and just run away with her and live a happy life free of his father and his destiny… whatever that may be.

Still laughing, (Y/N) stood from her log by the fire and made her way to Zuko, coming up behind him. Her arms slid right around his slim body, holding on tight as she tried to pull his mind from the depths of his insecurities.

“Zuko, love.” Her voice is soft, but intense. “Just go down there. I won’t lie, they might not take you right away. You have done a lot of damage to them and their goals.”

His warm hands slide down the tops of her forearms and slide between her chilled fingers, entwining them together as Zuko grips her like she’s holding him down on the land they’re on.

“I… I just…” He struggles to get his feelings out, finding it hard to convey how he feels even to the girl wrapped around him.

She shushes him. “I know.” Is all she says, as they stand there in a momentary comfortable silence before she detaches from him to continue dinner.

____________________________

Zuko had told her to stay behind, that he’d be back to either get her or because he failed to convince the group that he came to support them, instead of harm them.

“Zuko! I could easily be an alibi for you. A reason for them to trust you!”

“No. End of story. They could attack me and you’re in Fire Nation clothes. You’re staying here.”

A staring match between the two only lasted a few seconds, but (Y/N) let it go; remembering Iroh’s advice that sometimes the boy has to do what eases his mind to grow.

The empty pot gleamed an orange glow from the flames, a light in the dark woods that surrounded the two as they lounged by the fire.

(Y/N) was carding her fingers through the upset prince’s hair while he stared at the sky; confused. His emotions spilling onto (Y/N). He didn’t talk much about the encounter, only enough to tell her that they wouldn’t be helping the Avatar defeat his father anytime soon. Rather than pressure him, she offered her solace with calming actions rather than words.

The two had met in their early childhood, (Y/N)’s father being the leader of the Yuyan Archers and of course the Fire Lord wanted the talented girl to meet his… troubled son. In hope that she could help bend his son into the ruthless leader the nations needed to proceed him. Though they didn’t see each other as much as they should have due to (Y/N)’s schooling, the two quickly became close friends and were often found with Lady Ursa quietly running around the palace grounds.

His banishment led to (Y/N) perfecting her skills, and becoming the master she was destined to be, given there was no more distraction. No one could understand her in the way that Zuko did— they fit together like they were made for one another. Where he was hotheaded, she was cool; Where he was nimble and direct, she was resourceful and hidden. The two were the perfect set of opposites who ultimately balanced each other. And one without the other was a heartbreak everyone could see.

When she heard the news of his return, she rushed to the palace; radiant as ever. In an instant, the two fell back into where they left off;  barely any words needed between the two. Her fingers and lips had trailed over his scar often in those few days, brushing away the tears and insecurities that came with it.

Leaving the Fire Nation with Zuko wasn’t even a debate in her mind. She was tired of the life of lies and torment that her nation inflicted upon the world. She had spent the last two years relocating and rebranding people who were targets to the Fire Nation. In total, about one hundred innocent lives were saved from her dangerous missions. Her skill level was better than even her father’s, and she prided herself in her abilities. (Y/N) was truly a professional in her art with the eye of an eagle.

When she caught Zuko writing a letter to her with packed bags on his bed, she instantly went into the shadows and caught up with the boy easily, hiding in the balloon behind the engine for a while until it was too late for him to turn back. It was hot and the most uncomfortable thing she has ever done, but she regrets none of it. She joked with the boy; how did he not question a pile of fabric behind the piece of equipment that holds fire? She let it go after he hugged her close and cried for a while.

“Don’t do that shit again, Zuko.” Her voice was stern, though her voice stern, she held him close. She ghosted her fingers over his tense shoulders; the shoulder that carried such burdens. She pressed her fingers into his shoulders; trying her best to rub the tension from his body. 

“I won’t. Never again. Don’t leave me, I need you.”

A rustle of leaves and broken trees in the forest near the edge of their little camp put the two into defense, instantly gripping her perfectly crafted bow and quiver. Her ears pricked at a slight movement and she aimed her bows in the direction of the noise without even looking. Suddenly, green clothes fill the area as a younger girl makes her way into the clearing. Startled, Zuko sends a wave of fire towards the intruder, burning the girl.

Everything happened fast.

(Y/N)’s left foot—her plant foot—sunk into the ground and twisted inward, releasing a loud crack into the air. The Earth girl was long gone now; Zuko had been screaming at himself when he heard the cry of pain and the sickening noise that left the lips of his girlfriend.

The earth has released its hold on her, but the damage was done. She kneeled, trying to hold back tears but failing as they kept streaming down her face in a pain response. Zuko’s own eyes filled with tears as he ran over to her, helping her sit down and take the tension off of it.

The joint was already beginning to swell, black and blue and purple and yellow starting to show up in swirls around the area. Zuko carefully tried to feel the injury, barely touching the girl in fear of hurting her more. (Y/N) sighed, pushing his fingers away and ignoring his protest. She rotated her foot outward, cringing at the pain, but crying out when she turned it the other way. Zuko cupped his hands around her ankle, hands heated slightly to hopefully alleviate the pain.

“Baby… it’s okay—”

“No, you’re hurt! I knew this would happen!” He cuts her off with a panicked yell. (Y/N) places her hands on the sides of his face, forcing his eyes upon hers with a slight wince of discomfort.

“It’s most definitely, at worst, a fracture. I can still move it outwards without a lot of pain. It’s, like, a week off my foot at most and then another week with a splint and a crutch. I am okay, Zuko.” They stared at each other for a solid minute, saying nothing.

"Promise?" Zuko whispered.

"You think I would lie to you, Zuko?" She says as she wraps her pinky his for good measure

They turn in not too long after, (Y/N)’s ankle wrapped up in some extra clothes for stability. Zuko’s arms hold her to his chest as they slip off into the world of dreams.

_________________________

Oh shit. She thought from her perch on top of the cliff edge. The assassin that they have also been trying to find has been blowing up the place, really testing the stability of the edge of the cliff in shakes after shakes like an earthquake. Zuko had told her to stay at camp, but unfortunately for Zuko; (Y/N) was never that good at listening to commands.

She was sitting down, watching the Avatar, his friends, and her boyfriend try to figure out how to win this fight against the combustion bender, feet dangling over the edge. She didn’t want any pressure on her foot from standing on it; settling for the dull throbs of pain coming from the force of gravity alone.

Some third eye. (Y/N) thought to herself as she watched her boyfriend get too close to being blown off the edge of the cliff, wincing. She quickly strung her bow, aiming it at the man. She smirked, a devious smirk, and aimed it in a precise location.

Zuko was still trying to talk the man out of it when suddenly, his eyes went blank and the grossest sound he has ever heard reached his ears. Everyone watched the man, confused as to why he just stopped. It’s not until red trails down his forehead and around his nose in a slow trickle that they look at his eye.

In the middle of the red eye, that at one point seemed indestructible; an arrow sat; a perfect shot — his perfect shot. "Bullseye!" (Y/N) howled, her voice resonating in his ears.

In the midst of Zuko's panic, he failed to recognize the cliff he was standing on becoming increasingly unsturdy; turning he locked eyes with the archer. A ghost of a smile graced her lips, pride radiating off of her. Though he was angry, he couldn't help but share her pride. He locked eyes with his girlfriend who was sitting nonchalantly on the cliff edge above them all, waving nonetheless, when he told her to stay back. It’s then that the earth beneath him rumbles and falls, taking him with it.

“Zuko!” She screams, jumping to her feet; a loud crack coming from her ankle, buckling under the pressure and bringing her to her knees.

With a hobble in her step, (Y/N) climbed down the cliffside. The tears ran down her face at a ferocious pace, making her way over to the cliffside, a loud sob relented from her mouth as she saw Aang helping Zuko up over the edge of the cliff. 

"Spirits, Zuko!" She breathed, limping her way over to him and hugging him tight. "I should kill you, you fucking idiot!" She sobbed, pulling him into her chest. 

Zuko huffed out a laugh, wrapping his arms around her. He took deep breaths, calming his nerves from his near death experience; he focused on the feeling of her hand carding through his hair to grip it tight, and the hold on his shoulders. As he calms down, he remembers that he told her to stay put; and he sharply pulls away.

"I told you to stay at camp!" He huffed, "I told you I was coming back for you!”

She scoffs pushing on his forehead with two fingers. “In case you have forgotten, Zuko, I have authority issues. If I weren’t here, who would be saving your stupid royal ass? No one! You’re welcome, by the way. He wasn’t going to negotiate, Prince Pouty, and you and everyone else here is no good to the world dead.”

“You—You---You could’ve been hurt! (Y/N)! Or worse!” His protest was a whisper, trying to make the scene more private as he’s aware of the crowd around them.

“Zuko, love, I can handle myself. I’m a master at my craft--.”

"—your craft of carelessness, you could've been killed—"

"—but I wasn't Zuko!"

"That's not the point." His voice stern, making it clear that the conversation was done for now. (Y/N) simply nodded, pulling away from him and fixing her clothes.

Aang, Toph, Katara and Sokka watched the two as they argued; watching as they continuously tried to out-care the other. They watched as the two eventually stopped arguing, instead remained staring, as if daring each other to speak

“That was a ... nice shot? I guess?" Aang spoke, clearing his throat and drawing the couples attention to him. "He's definitely you know, dead."

(Y/N) smiles at the boy. “Thank you, Avatar, for helping save this dumb ass from falling off a cliff.” She gets up and bows to him. Zuko suddenly picks her up, the world turning sideways as he put her bridal style in his arms.

“Stop putting weight on your ankle!”

“I’m literally showing respect to the person who just helped you, is that a crime?”

“What if you break your ankle so much that you have to cut it off.”

“Oh, now you’re just being ridiculous.”

“Okay well you were first when deciding to sit on the edge of a cliff with a broken ankle.”

“You’re right! Sitting is dangerous. Next time, I’ll make sure to stand so at least I’ll have a better chance of reacting if the cliff side starts falling from under me. Oh wait, you were standing, and you still fell.”

Zuko sets her down on a broken rock that’s suitable enough for her to sit on. “Will you just shut up already and let me help you.” He reaches for her ankle, but she moves it from his grasp. Their eyes meet again and narrow in competition.

A mess of limbs as the (Y/N) evades the grip of Zuko, occasionally slapping his hands away if they get too close.

Sokka tilts his head in confusion and opens his mouth. “Is he—is he actually caring for someone?”

Aang nods. “I think? I don’t know, they’re kind of fighting a lot.”

Toph cringes, “Guys, I think it was me who hurt her in the first place. Last night at their camp. Zuko instantly stopped trying to help me when I heard her scream.”

“Guys… I think I’m supposed to let him be my master. I mean, he did just risk everything to save us.” Aang says, eyes locked on the one member who he cares more about than anyone.

Katara, still holding off on agreeing, looks to the two Fire Nation kids again.

“Ow! You bit me! Are you crazy?!” Zuko yells, shaking his left hand out.

The stranger girl laughs cheerfully. “Only crazy for you, stupid.”

And a phenomenon occurs. Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation blushes and looks down at the ground, a huge smile on his face.

“I hate you.” Is all he says.

“Yeah, I love you too.”

Katara, seeing the humane side of the prince, finally lets her guard down and walks over to them. Zuko’s eyes widen at her proximity, but the water tribe girl holds his gaze.

“I’ll heal the girl if it gets you two to shut up. And you have to find dinner for tonight.”

Katara’s eyes widen again at the sight of the crying prince who suddenly bows to her feet, thanking her with his whole heart. He then turns to his smiling girl beside him and pulls her into a hug.

“Thank you, (Y/N). For everything.”

“I’ll always help you… stupid.”

[shimmershae]

My thoughts on Episode 3--Hunted.

 Most of you lovelies already realize this, but my thoughts tend to zig and zag quite a bit, lol.  So.  To save some of you the headache and spare you from seeing spoilers you’d rather not see yet, I’m again placing them behind a cut.  

First things first.  I have totally turned into Yvette Nicole Brown with her TWD notebooks, lol, and I’m not even sorry.  I just felt like it would be fun to go back when the final episode is in the books and see how well my thoughts from these early episodes line up with what I’m feeling when we say our (not-so) final goodbyes.  

But that’s enough about that. Let’s get to this thing.  

It really is insane how very much I love Melissa McBride.  Just hearing her doing the previously on TWD recap voiceover makes me ridiculously happy.  

Cole!  Dude!  We hardly knew ya.  

Not gonna lie.  That first shot of Maggie in all the chaos reminded of a shirt I’ve seen.  It says--”Well, well, well.  If it isn’t the consequences of my actions.”  

I have to hand it to Angela and the rest of her team.  These opening scenes--on all 3 episodes--have been BOMB so far.  They really hook you in right away.  At least IMHO.  

I realize I’m behind the game on this little tidbit, but how much do I adore the fact that Dog is now in the opening credits?  

Okay.  Alexandria might look like it’s been on some kind of post-apocalyptic bender but all our girls are looking beautiful as ever.  Maybe it’s Maybelline, lol.  

I love to see Kelly and Carol still gravitating toward each other.  It really speaks to each woman’s heart.  Carol wants to make amends so badly and Kelly just has the most lovely, warm, forgiving heart.  

Carol’s point about Alexandria still needing the horses to help with the heavy lifting and pointing out the walls and rebuilding won’t matter quite as much if they’re limited by their  hunger and what they can physically lift on their own isn’t wrong.  But I’m sure the same viewers that were okay with Daryl and Co. going out on Maggie’s suicide mission (using the same reasoning) and saying it made sense for the bigger picture will pretend not to recognize that the same element is there in Carol’s desire to go out there and look for the horses.  You know.  Because it was Carol’s idea and not that of their fave(s).  

Aaron, Man.  Or maybe I should say Angela.   You just had to put a pit of dread in my belly mentioning Buttons like that.  RIP, Buttons.  You deserved better.  I’m still traumatized.  

Look at all the babies bonding.  Look at RJ getting to sit at the big kid table.  

“My mom always comes back.”  She damn well better.  Those babies need her.  Until she does, though, Uncle Daryl and Aunt Carol (and Aunt Rosita and everybody else) are going to be there.  

Anyway.  Poor RJ.  He barely ever gets any lines, lol.  

Hershel and Judith are obviously the mini-adults in this group and baby Rhee is already more cynical and jaded than his sweet daddy was until they reached Alexandria and the wheels started to come off.  

So.  Does Maggie just think everybody’s already dead here or what?  Hmm.  

You know.  Any building can be creepy AF when the lights are off and it’s dark, lol.  Any building.  

So much darkness so far this season.  I’m going to have to invest in some blackout curtains.  I just know it.  

Where are all those stairs leading?  Why am I thinking of Hitchcock?  Am I mixing up my scary, suspenseful movies?  Probably.  

Of fucking course, Maggie dropped her flashlight.  Thank goodness she had that lighter at the ready just before Ghost Face Reaper took a swipe at her.  

Is that Father G with a screwdriver impaled in his thigh?  Listen.  These people deserve a Mega Bottle of pain killers and a week just vegging out in a soft, luxurious bed.  

All these horror movie tropes.  Some of them are cheesy, yes.  But I’m totally here for it.  

LMAO.  That’s it, Maggie.  A good old punch in the nuts works every time.  

Alden really is having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.  

Negan is still Negan.  Self-serving and looking out for number one.  But I believe the man really does feel the group is his group too.  He’s like that long lost, sketchy uncle nobody wants to acknowledge much less invite to the dinner table, but that bond?  However thin?  Is there.  

I am both hating that Maggie is being forced to work with the man that murdered her husband (my baby Glenn) and finding it fascinating the lengths she’s willing to go to survive.  This your plan, Angela?  

Rosita and Carol!  How sad is it that the last really significant scene I can remember the two of these women sharing was way back?  Before Rick and Co. attacked Negan’s outpost and Maggie and Carol were subsequently taken?  If only the show had done more of these kind of scenes.  

How much do I love all the girls working together?  Gimps would never.  They’d all be stuck back at Alexandria minding the kids and the community.  

Shallow aside--Rosita is so pretty in this scene.  

Rosita being worried about Carol honestly makes my heart hurt, because it’s about damn time more of them actually did.  Her saying Abraham is trying to tell her something in her dreams is interesting.  Angela sure loves her dreams, doesn’t she?  

Where are Daryl’s dreams, hmm?  No.  Seriously.  I guess they want to give some viewers plausible deniability until the bitter end.  

“Really?  We’re just gonna go toward the screaming?  Cool.”  Hahaha.  You know.  Even the smart people in horror movies sometimes bite it, Negan.  Just saying.  Maggie really does need to “stop running up the staircase” when she could just run out the front door though, lol.  

Poor Duncan.  I think you could have been another Tyreese, Jerry type for me.  

WTF does this show have against horses?  Those poor creatures.  

Kelly is totally me right now.  I’d be freaking inconsolable.  

Carol needed that hug.  Thank you, Magna.  From the bottom of this tired fangirl’s heart, thank you.  

Why give us that beautiful, golden shot with the horses when you’re planning to stab us through the heart later and twist the knife.  Oh.  Yeah.  That’s exactly why.  

Oh snap!  Father G’s delivery when he tells that Reaper “I’m not.  God isn’t here anymore.”  Cold as ice.  

Judas.  That the Reapers’ work.  Or.  Damn.  Either way, that’s harsh.  

Back to what Alden was saying.  All these oprhaned children.  Who’s going to take on Adam if he dies?  That poor kid has had a rough go of it.  Knowing that, makes you wonder what Alden was thinking volunteering for the suicide mission.  

Omigosh.  There went Agatha.  Terrible way to go.  Right, Beatrice?  

I’m sobbing.  Carol with the horse.  That hurt my baby so much but she hurt herself for her family the same way she has been doing since the Prison.  Melissa Mcbride?  When she cries, I cry.  Every effin’ time.  Aaron being there just made it hurt more.  But at least someone was there to see how and really take in how she continues to break pieces of herself off to keep her family as whole and safe and happy as she can.  

Rewinding a minute--that Magna and Carol conversation.  I get Magna’s reasoning too.  I do.  But Angela is just making everything so dire right now so that the sun when Connie is ultimate found shines a ltitle brighter.  

Those babies know they’re eating horse.  I could never.  

That’s got to be a different Coco.  She’s even smaller.  But she’s gorgeous.  

Fucking finally.  Angela having the other characters notice after an eternity of being blind to it, just how much Carol sacrifices of herself for them.  It’s so long overdue and I imagine Rosita’s even more worried for Carol now.  It’s a shame it’s taken 11 seasons.  My baby’s had blood on her hands trying to keep her family safe and whole and happy and fed for a long damn time.  So heartbreaking watching her try to scrub the blood away.  

Sweet, sweet hug that Kelly gave Magna.  She’s such a sweetheart kid sis to all of them, isn’t she?  

Interesting place of refuge.  A gutted church.  A visual symbol, Angela, of where Maggie and the rest of our people are now perhaps?  

“It’s easy for you, isn’t it?  Being reckless with sombody’s life...”  Maggie.  Maggie.  Those words would have hit so much harder if we hadn’t spent the majority of the last 2.5 episodes watching you ignore sound advice just because it came out of the mouth of somebody you (justifiably) hate.  

But will Alden be there when Maggie and Negan get back?  That is the question.  Or will he eventually Lucille himself?  

That little bit of lineup Negan music to remind the audience of Negan lovers and sympathizers that he once took great pleasure in murderously swinging a bag at people’s heads was a nice, subtle touch there.  Like agree with her or not, Maggie  is literally left to rely  on the hope, however small it is, that Negan has changed just enough that he won’t try to finish a job he taken on years before--killing what’s left of her.  

Oh lawd.  Next episode sees the return of a character literally nobody asked for.  How excited am I not?  

Dog better not be harmed or so help me.  

Now for Angela’s weekly explanations of WTF she/there were thinking because they been doing this plausible deniability thing so long some people out there watching with biased, muddy stan glasses can no longer separate head canon from canon.  

Is Maggie worried at all about Daryl or does she just assume his superhero powers are in full effect in this episode?  

“You can’t really say it wasn’t going to happen anyway.”  Not Angela pointing out that simply laying the blame for literally everything bad that ever happens at Carol’s feet isn’t the answer.  Say it louder for those in the back.  Alpha was going to do what Alpha wanted to do.  

“There is love there.  There is respect there.  However, there’s also frustration...”  You damn skippy.  Friendships and human relationships are complex AF.  Like Carol. She’s honestly one of the most complicated characters on this show and any show, IMHO.  That’s what makes her so memorable and such a lightning rod for discussion.  

I know I might be in a minority, but I really feel like they need more of those little scenes between the kids to keep things real.  

Kang saying she always feels like she’s going to get murdered in a staircase or parking lot is relatable, funny, and sad all at the same time.  It’s a girl thing.  

Why is Carol’s story giving me Dark Knight vibes?  Like I feel like she’ll gladly shoulder the burden of their distrust, their hate, or their judgment as long as the hard choices she makes keeps them safe.  And she’s still ultimately going to come back to save their asses even when they forsake her.  Just like Bruce Wayne/Batman.  Am I reaching too far, lol?  Because sometimes I do that.  

Anyway.  This is the third episode of the season and the third episode in a row that I mostly enjoyed.  I don’t know if I’m just so relieved and happy to have all the characters and my show back or what, but overall?  I’ve been pleased with the episodes and found something to love in all of them.  

There’s a much stronger horror vibe woven throughout Season 11 so far.  I feel like it’s a return to the roots of the show and I like that.  Literally none of the characters are making perfect choices and this viewer is here for it.  My only complaint so far is there hasn’t been enough Carol but what we’ve been given has felt like a gift and significant in a way that Gimps’ version was not.  Also?  I really hope the trend of the ladies working together and supporting each other continues because they rule the TWD world, lol.  

Hope you enjoyed at least some of my TWD word vomit.  

Until next episode.  

[thatsgay-writes]

Jinora x Reader

Summary: The bison episode with a twist.

Warnings: Light cursing?

You had been around the air bending family since you could walk, much to your mothers dismay. Your mother was Lin Beifong and you were the product of a very drunk one night stand that made her realize that men weren't that great. She loved you either way and was pretty strict on you, remembering how loose her mother had been with her and Su. She also made sure to give you attention when she could, sometimes it was hard with being the Chief of Police. Luckily you understood how important her job is and would spend days on Avatar Island when Lin got too busy with work. You also liked hanging out on Avatar Island for two other reasons. One being that no one made fun of you for being the child of Lin Beifong and grandchild of Toph Beifong, two powerful benders, and being a non bender. Also Jinora lived on Avatar Island. You and Jinora had grown up together and at some point in time your platonic feelings for her turned into something more. Of course you never told her, your mom was Lin Beifong, Tenzin's ex-girlfriend. And if that wasn't bad enough you didn't know if she even liked you back or if you deserved her, being a non bender and all. Even though you were a non bender your mom made sure you could fight and you spent time practicing air bending moves with Jinora, Ikki, and Meelo, you even are able to go through the swinging walls with ease now.

When harmonic convergence happened, you went with the Avatar team to the South Pole. You know you couldn't do anything to help really, but you wanted to be there when Jinora woke up. And you were, after pulling her grandma into a tight , she noticed you over Katara's shoulder and after the hug threw herself into your arms. You buried your head into her shoulder and squeezed her super tight. You almost told her your feelings then and there, after realizing you could have lost her or the world could have ended today. But you refrained from doing so because of the big clean up everyone had to deal with. But you made sure to flirt more with her or compliment her, just trying to get her to blush. You even flirted with her in front of Tenzin, much to his dismay. One day, after Bumi had showed everyone he could air bend, you wished you could do the same too. So you found a quiet patch of grass, away from prying eyes and meditated, which was something you enjoyed doing even if you weren't an air bender. While meditating, your thoughts kept going back to Jinora who was showing Bumi air bending moves with Tenzin, Ikki, and Meelo. When suddenly you felt something in you shift and when you opened your eyes you were in the middle of the training area, Tenzin, Bumi, Jinora, Ikki, and Meelo all staring at you in shock. "How did I get here?" you asked, looking around for an answer. When you looked down you noticed that you were blue and floating above the ground. "Ahhh what happened!? Am I a ghost!?" "No your doing spiritual projection! Like I can do, that's amazing." Jinora said in awe, making you blush. "How do I stop? Does this mean I can air bend?"

Turns out you could bend, which led you to where you are now, in the Northern air temple. After releasing all those air benders from the Queen of Ba Sing Se, you didn't like her. You also didn't like this new kid Kai and it's not because of his past or anything like that. It was the fact that Jinora started practically ignoring you and spent all her time hanging and blushing around Kai. What you hadn't known was that Kai was encouraging her to confess her feelings to you, all those blushes you witnessed were over you. After watching Jinora blow up on Tenzin, you waited 10 minutes before going after her, wanting her to calm down some before hand. When you got to her, you saw her and Kai standing on the railing about to fly away. You heart at the fact that Jinora was just gonna leave without you. You turn to leave but accidentally kick a rock making noise. When you look back you see Jinora blushing and Kai sporting a big grin, making you smile back nervously. "Hey y/n, we were gonna go see some baby bison if you want to come with us." Kai offered, taking a quick peek at Jinora with a smirk. "Sure." you say awkwardly, not really wanting to go but you needed to talk to Jinora at some point.

As you flew, you caught up to Jinora before putting your back towards the ground and fly under Jinora. "Did I do something wrong?" Jinora looked down startled to see you right under her, causing her to blush. "No." she said simply with a small smile before flying down towards where the baby sky bison were the day before. "Where are all the bison?" Kai asks and as soon as he does Jinora gets caught in a net. "Jinora!" you yell before turning where to see the net came from. You fought with the bison hunters, while Kai tried to free Jinora from the nets he got caught too. "Kai!" you yelled turning to him as you watch him hit the ground next to Jinora, who's eyes widen. "Look o--" Jinora said before you felt your body get launched into the air and slammed to the ground. Before you pass out, you make eye contact with Jinora, who has fear written in her eyes.

You groan, as you wake up, feeling yourself leaning against something warm. You blink your eyes a couple times to try and clear your eyes. When your eyes finally clear up, you look up to see what you had been leaning against Jinora, which causes you to blush. Feeling your movement Jinora pauses her conversation with Kai to turn and look at you. When she sees you already looking at her she gives a small smile and blushes. "I'm so glad your awake." She says as she wraps her arms around you lightly in a hug. After you hug, you try and sit up only to groan in pain. "What happened?" Jinora bit her lip in worry, "You got practically body slammed into the air and then ground. You need to be careful, you probably broke something." You nod your head in understanding, just now finally noticing the small room your in and the bars. "What the hell? Why are we in a cage?" "It's the bison hunters, they are taking bison to the Earth Queen." Kai says from another side of a wall with anger in his voice. "Does anyone know we're missing yet?" "I sent a spirit to tell Bum-Ju, who hopefully got Uncle Bumi's attention." You nod your head in understanding and you all sit in silence for a minute, before you hear noise from Kai's cell. Next thing you see is Kai's face smiling in front of your cage. Before he can start unlocking your cage Jinora interrupts him, "Get the bison first." You nod your head in agreement before watching Kai get launched away from the cages.

"Crap." You say as you watch Kai get into a fighting stance. You sit up from leaning against Jinora, wrapping an arm around your ribs in pain, to get a better look at what was happening. Jinora sits up as well, still keeping an eye on you. You get a smile on your face when you see all the new air benders come rushing in to aide Kai. While they're fighting, Kai manages to free 1 of 2 other bison before getting to your and Jinora's cage. Before he can even start unlocking it, he gets earth bended away from the truck before the truck takes off. From the break neck speed the truck goes, you and Jinora slam back against the wall, both of you making sounds of pain from the force of the impact. After a few minutes of driving, you peek out and look towards the front of the truck from in between the bars. Right as you did, you saw a full grown bison land in front of the car and slam it's tail against the ground. Before you could think about what you were doing, you turned around fast and pulled Jinora into your chest. You shut your eyes waiting for impact, which means you didn't see Jinora blush at your actions.

When the wave of air hit it caused the truck to flip. After the first flip you tighten your hold on Jinora and feel your back hit the bars over and over again. When it finally stops, you feel like you can breath again. You loosen your hold on Jinora, wanting to make sure she's okay before passing out from pain. When you look down and notice that Jinora had a tight grip on your shirt and her eyes were squeezed shut. "Jinora." You whisper, fighting the black dots that clouded your vision. Jinora loosens her hold on your shirt and looks up, her eyes widen. "Oh my spirits! You're bleeding!" Jinora says, you just smile before saying, "I'm gonna pass out now."

When you awake your on a bed in the air temple. When you sit up you groan in pain and notice the bandage around your stomach and one on your temple. You sit up slowly and grab your glider to use as a cane. (Like how Aang does when he wakes up after getting struck by lightning.) You start heading outside to find anyone but notice that it's night time and head to Jinora's room instead. You knock on her door, hoping she's not asleep, and turn to leave when she doesn't open the door. Right as you turn around, however, the door opens and Jinora pops her head out. When she meets your eyes, hers widen and she opens the door all the way. She pulls you into the room, mindful of your injuries, and makes you sit down on the bed. "Why are you out of bed?" Jinora questioned, arms crossed in front of her chest. You just shrug, "I woke up by myself and wanted to see where everyone else was. "Did all the baby bison get free? You didn't get injured too did you?" You respond, asking your own questions. Jinora just shakes her head in amusement by the fact that you were more worried about everyone else, when you were the one most hurt. "Yes, we got all the baby bison and no one was hurt. Which reminds me... What were you doing!? I know you didn't want to see me hurt but you were already injured! I could have handled being thrown around, you body couldn't!" You had never seen Jinora mad before, but you also didn't see what she was like when you passed out in the truck. Jinora couldn't get the sight of your bloody head out of her memory. "Jinora!" you say as you pull her into you when she suddenly starts crying, the position slightly awkward because you still sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Look I'm sorry I worried you. I know you can handle yourself, I just don't like seeing you hurt when I could have done something about it." Jinora sniffles some, keeping her face pressed into your neck. "Why?" That question was simple, so why did it make your heart beat so hard. You knew why, you were gonna tell the truth. No half-assed because you care about her, nope, you were gonna be completely honest. "Well I don't know how to say this, or how you'll react but just no that you'll always be my friend." Your sentence caused Jinora to sit up, she had never seen you so nervous before. Making eye contact with her, you let out a deep breath. "Jinora... I like you more than a friend. And it's okay if you don't feel the same, I've noticed how close you've gotten to Kai over the last couple of weeks." Jinora was shocked by your confession. You liked her too? Kai would never stop teasing her for how he was right and that your feelings for each other were shared. You on the other hand took Jinora's shock in a bad way. "I should probably see myself out." You said as you untangled from her and grabbed your glider. As soon as you stood up, however, you got tugged back by Jinora. Before you could ask anything, you were pulled into a kiss. Your eyes widened in shock before returning the kiss. Holy spirits, you thought, I can't believe this is happening! As you both pull away from the kiss. "If it's not clear by now I feel the same way y/n." You just nodded dumbly in understanding, still in shock over the kiss. Before you could say anything Jinora yawns, "We can talk more in the morning but we should probably go to bed." You just nodded your head again before grabbing your glider to leave. "Where are you going?" Jinora asked as you moved towards the door. "You said go to bed..." You replied as you mumbled out a few other excuses to try and lessen the blush on your face. Jinora just chuckled at how adorable yo looked rambling.

"Come on just stay in here with me."

[cultureaddictconfessions]

Unromantic Love - Cubicles CYO Ending #5

(As requested by readers, I’m posting all the endings for Cubicles! I hope you enjoy them, and I am excited to bring you more choose your own ending fics in the future. Shoot me a message if you want to be tagged. Stay tuned! xoxo, Bri)

The sun streamed in through your bedroom window and slashed right across your eye line, waking you instantly. You groaned, rolling over and trying to escape the golden heat. How had you gotten back to your bed? You held your phone up and blinked blearily. Multiple messages left on your voicemail. Sighing, you opened the visual voicemail app and found that you had 4 from unknown numbers and one from Lily. It was about 10 am and you didn’t usually show up at Lily’s until lunchtime, but you listened to her message first. She reminded you that she would be rather upset if you didn’t show up to Lazy Saturday, and to call her when you were on your way over. Lily also suggested a cold shower and lots of water, assuming you might be hungover. Unfortunately, she was correct.

You pressed the next message after that, sitting up in bed and noticing a glass of water on your night table. You were truly confused now. Suddenly, a man’s voice began speaking boisterously.

“Goooooood morning, dearest! This is James, your favorite co-worker! Just checking to see that you woke up alright and that you’re not still on a bender from last night! You were quite a riot! -chuckles- Anyhoo, I’m sure the rest of the lads will have left you messages because we’re all very chatty, but if you need anything, well… now you have my mobile! Thanks for making last night fun and well-decorated, see ya Monday!”

Oh, Merlin… what had you done to elicit such a bubbly response from James Potter? You grumbled again, getting up and heading to the loo to pop a few aspirins into your weakened body. You shook your head and pressed the next message, after registering James in your contacts.

“Shut up Prongs! Er… sorry Y/N love, you know how James can be! Just wanted to drop you a line and make sure you drink the water on your side table, yeah? You’ll definitely need it considering that third shot really threw you for a loop, I think. Very cute though, and that gave me an excuse to ring you and give you my mobile, didn’t it? Feel better, see you Monday, and please also apologize to your owl for our intrusion.”

WHAT?! You stared at your phone incredulously for a moment before scurrying out of the bathroom, down the hallway and into the kitchen, where your owl was asleep in his cage. The only thing amiss was that the door was open. Had… had the group been in your flat last night with you...unconscious? You’d had the guys over for dinner before, but that was entirely different and in your control. You paused for a moment, looking around wildly, before gasping aloud.

“Oh, Merlin’s knickers! I must’ve gone out on the lash and they had to bring me home. Oh no... how dreadfully embarrassing.” You sunk onto the kitchen floor with your head in your hands. Steeling yourself after a moment, you decided to play the last two messages, which you could only assume were from Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

“Hi Y/N, it’s Remus from work. I’m calling to fill you in on what happened last night because I imagine the others will take the opportunity to say some silly, unhelpful things… oh shut it, you know you’re just using it as an excuse to… Sorry about that. Anyway, James and Sirius had a drinking contest with you and you were completely out of it afterward, so we decided to make sure you got back to your flat okay… We just looked at your ID to find your address and you had your key on you so… Sorry, I know it’s not really appropriate, but I… -coughs- we were all rather worried about you and they felt bad for basically poisoning you THAT’S HOW ALCOHOL WORKS LADS so we set you to bed and put water and the trash bin around in case you needed. Sorry again, and please give me a ring to let me know you’re okay. Cheers.”

Honestly, at this point, your life couldn’t get any worse. Not only had you thought it was a good idea to try to drink James and Sirius under the table, but you proceeded to roll off your trolley and need assistance making it back to your bed. You were honestly surprised that they all collectively decided to bring you back and take care of you, but they were basically your only close friends at work besides Lily. You dragged yourself off the floor and darted back to the loo, rushing to take a shower and get yourself somewhat together so you could Floo over to Lily’s flat in 20 minutes. You didn’t bother to put on real clothes, as you were just going to be lounging on the couch with Lily. As you cobbled together snacks to bring over, you played the final message.

“Why am I going last?! OH! Hullo Y/N! I hope you’re feeling better this morning. Not that you weren’t having fun last night hanging out with us at the party but you seemed pretty sick by the end of it… Moony probably already told you we brought you home and woke up your owl. You didn’t throw up though, and we made sure to leave you on your side so you’d be okay! That was my idea! Your flat is very nice, I really like your posters! WHAT?! WE WERE THERE, I’M NOT GONNA LIE ABOUT LIKING WHAT I SAW! ...Sorry, that sounded creepy. Your decorations, I meant… not that you’re not lovely too… ugh, I’ll shut up now. Anyway, Y/N, I’ll bring you extra sweets Monday to make up for us breaking-and-entering. We really are sorry, but friends don’t leave friends alone when they’re knackered! Have a great weekend! Oh, it’s Peter by the way! Bye!”

You were finished by the end of the message, and you were pretty damn sure you would never be able to look any of them in the eye again after that shitshow. It was pretty funny that they all seemed to have recorded their messages together and were yelling at each other during that. You stepped into your fireplace with a sigh and shouted for Lily’s flat. Green flames licked up over you and whooshed you away, spitting you out in the lobby of Lily’s apartment complex. You gave her a ring to let her know you were downstairs. In a few minutes, the redhead appeared, giving you a once-over that was rather like a mum who thought her child was up to something suspicious. You blinked at her and gestured to go upstairs, and she shook her head before acquiescing. Lily lived on the third floor… and was apparently pet sitting?

“Right, I um… I needed a favor from Potter for this upcoming piece I’m writing, so I was obliged to babysit his cat Algernon for the evening while the party was happening. He’s actually much more agreeable than Potter, and you know I love making new ginger friends.” Lily chuckled nervously as the orange cat called Algernon wove his way around your legs appreciatively. You gave her a pointed look before reaching down and scratching Algernon behind the ears. He pawed at your leg, so you walked through to Lily’s couch and sat down, with Algernon hopping up onto your lap. Lily took the bag of snacks you brought with you and laid the things out on the coffee table. You flipped on the tv and scrolled to Witchflix, too embarrassed to bring up last night’s incident to Lily.

“What did you want to watch Lils? I don’t think I’m in the mood for another romantic comedy, I’m not gonna lie. I think I could do some interior decorating or baking or something…” You took a sip of the water bottle you’d brought along, feeling somewhat better than you had earlier in the morning. Lily appeared from the kitchen with a bowl of Chex Mix and gave you a once over before she settled in with you and Algernon. She snatched the remote and rolled through her queue, making reactionary noises at everything before stopping and looking over.

“Okay, out with it. What happened last night? You look like hell, didn’t take the mickey out of me hosting Algernon, and you haven’t said much since you came in. Did someone make an awkward love confession to you? Better yet… was it more than one of them?” Lily chuckled at the end, but she was fairly serious when she questioned you. You sighed.

“I just got rather drunk and…” You gulped, remembering the voicemails from earlier. You knew Lily was going to roast you for them. “The boys had to bring me home and tuck me in. Spooked Aidoneus and apparently checked out my decorating scheme. Nothing major. Honestly, I shouldn’t have done shots with James and Sirius because they’re notorious for how trashy they are when they drink.” Lily listened silently the whole time before she closed her eyes and sighed.

“Honestly… that’s much better than I expected. Not that being carted home by a bunch of bozos from work is okay in my book, but considering none of them tried anything and you just blacked out and went to sleep, I’m pretty much fine with giving the whole night a pass. Plus that means I didn’t have to babysit you!” She stuck her tongue out at you and you smacked her with a nearby pillow, almost dislodging Algernon from your lap. She held up her arms in surrender, laughing. After a fair bit of ribbing between the two of you, you enjoyed the rest of the afternoon cuddled up and laughing at the flailing and friendships of Muggle British bakers, and didn’t think about boys or work at all. It was absolutely lovely.

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Credit to @ghost-of-bambi​ and @fetchalgernon for letting me borrow their boy!

Tag List

@supremequeenofthenerds​, @wizardwritings​, @couragetocontinue​, @fudgefight​, @lionnottheanimal​, @crtreg​, @shehassomuchsoul​, @formersovietunion​, @serenefreakgeek, @bibimagines​

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(In an effort to keep the “secret” element of the stories, I will only be linking to each ending in the main post, so check there if you want to read more endings!)

[maxineswritingcenter]

Take it on the Run- Dean Winchester x reader part 4

Read part 3 here!

Warnings: None? Language maybe?

Summary: After a month long, whirl-wind romance with the new guy in town (Dean), he ghosts, as if he never existed. You are devastated, eating plenty of ice cream, your friend decides to take you out for drinks and karaoke. Maybe something happens who knows  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-------------------------------------------------

Four Days Later - Dean's Point of View

I sat with my back against the headboard of a motel bed. The beer bottle was slack in my fingers as I did what I had done since I'd gotten there. Drink. Bottle after bottle. My grip tightened as anger rushed through me. I pulled the bottle to my mouth and knocked back the remaining drops in it. It was the last bottle. I doubted Sammy would go out and feed into this.

'Its my own damn fault,' I thought to myself. I was full of self-hatred and malice for what I did. I kept thinking over and over how I could have done things differently. How I could have changed it. It all came to a heart crushing reality when I looked down at the necklace in my other hand. It was (Y/N)'s. The story was (Y/N) had found it after a tornado ripped through the town some odd years ago. It was in the wreckage by an old cider mill. It was old then. But the pendant on the chain shined so brightly that rescuers were able to find a family trapped in their cellar underneath rock and rumble. (Y/N) said it was a sign of hope. Said I could use some hope.

- Four Days Earlier-

I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be doing this again. But I have to go. I have to keep (Y/N) safe. I was packing my bag of clothes and other essentials in the motel when the door opened. My whole body went stiff. Like I could hear (Y/N)'s heart breaking.

"What the hell is this, Dean?" (Y/N) didn't sound mad, didn't sound happy either. Almost scared. I closed my eyes and turned to face the person that loved me. Me, the most dangerous son of a bitch alive. And was I ever a son of a bitch now. When I opened my eyes, I couldn't meet the person standing across from me.

"It's-" I began to explain. I didn't know how I could explain this away.

"It's not what it looks like?" (Y/N) finished my sentence for me, tears falling on a face that was turning red, "Well then tell me, Dean. Tell me what it doesn't look like. Tell me you're not leaving again."

I knew I couldn't say a word. Not a goddamn word. Because that face said it all. Everything I feared. Everything I knew I was doing in the name of keeping (Y/N) safe. But was this all worth it. Lying, leaving, again?

(Y/N) came closer to me and shoved my shoulder, "Go on! Tell me! You sick son of a bitch, tell me!"

"Oh yeah?" I shouted back, "And what would you like me to say? Sam found a case, I have to go." I zipped up my bag.

"I want you to tell me that you were going to leave again like some goddamn magic act! I want you to tell me that if I would have come ten minutes later you would be gone!" (Y/N) grabbed my phone that was on the nightstand next to the motel bed, "I want you to tell me that if I would have called this phone I wouldn't get an answer because it would be disconnected again..." The voice that was once so strong slowly turned into a whisper, a sob ending the sentence and made my stomach create knots.

"You said you loved me..." It wasn't a question for me. But it deserved an answer. I wanted to stop all of this. To drop everything and apologize and live in this rinky dink town for the rest of my life. But I couldn't. Life wouldn't allow that. But I didn't. And it was something I was going to regret. I grabbed my bag and walked out, grabbing the phone on the way out.

"Dean!" (Y/N) called, following me out the door of the now empty motel room. I got into the driver's side of the Impala and tossed my bag into the back seat.

"Dean, please!" (Y/N)'s voiced was wracked with sobs. Little hiccups forming between breaths. I started the car and pulled out of the parking on and began to drive away.

"DEAN!" I heard the faint shout as I pulled away. I looking into the dash mirror and watched (Y/M)'s figure disappear as I drove further and further away.

-

HEY! OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR!" I was jolted forward by the loud banging and shouting coming from the door. I would have thought some crazy neighbors but the voice sounded all too familiar. I opened the door and was shoved aside by a very frazzled looking (Y/F/N) with a ball of grey and brown trotting behind them on a red lead.

"I told you I'd find you. Now where is (Y/N)?" They said, looking around, "You can come out now!"

"What? What do you mean?" I asked, my head still foggy from my bender.

(Y/F/N) scoffed, hands on their hips, "Don't act stupid with me, Dean. I called, I texted, I went to the motel, the apartment, the office, the diner, the bar, nothing. So I will ask again, where the hell is (Y/N)?" I looked from (Y/F/N) to the ball of fluff on the floor. This cat, Fuzzybritches, was said to be wise. And her little beady eyes seemed to be staring into my soul. It was then that the full gravity of what they said hit me.

"You can't find (Y/N)?" I asked.

"Um. Yeah. Duh, have you been listening to anything I've been saying?" They sat on a chair by the window, Fuzzybritches jumping nimbly on their lap.

"(Y/F/N), (Y/N)'s not here..." I said slowly, not even seeming true to myself.

"Oh my God..." Their voice started as a whisper but got higher, "Oh my God, oh my God? Oh Jesus, (Y/N)'s been kidnapped! Oh God people started going missing again after you left, I should have been there!"

Just as I was about to ask to clarify, Sam walked in, looking over the situation, especially the cat.

"We have a problem." He said.

-

"My best friend has been kidnapped and probably going to end up dead because I assumed you were the answer!" They vaguely pointed toward me.

"How long has (Y/N) been gone?" Sam asked, handing them a glass of water.

"Last text I got was four days ago. The night you left. Again." They paused, then sighed, "I got a text saying: With Dean, TTYL. But I just thought it was really strange since (Y/N) doesn't usually use text lingo. But I figured everything was fine." I looked at Sam who was thinking the same thing I was. There were two of them. And this time it was personal it seemed.

Sam got up, patting (Y/F/N) on the back, "Thank you."

"For what? What the hell is going on?" They asked, holding the cat close.

I put my hands on either of their shoulders, looking them straight in the eye, "We're going to go. Stay here. Do not leave this room. I need you to trust me." I watched them nod, "And do not open that door unless we have (Y/N) with us. Nobody. Not even me."

"Okay..." They squeaked out. I grabbed the keys and left the room, making sure it was locked behind me. Sam and I started on the road.

"Got the silver?" I asked, gripping onto the wheel.

"Yeah." He answered, looking at the necklace still tightly held in my hand.

-

Four Days Earlier - (Y/N)

I decided to eat away my sorrows at the diner, but only settled on coffee. I didn't see Darlene inside so I could avoid the topic for a little while at least. Maybe I would just never come here again. I would avoid this diner and all of its employees for the rest of my natural life. I told him everything. My deepest thoughts and feelings. Parts of my life that my own parents didn't even know about. I was a fool. I was an idiot. (Y/F/N) was right. I shouldn't have rushed back into it. But God was it hard when his eyes sparkles in that special way when he told me he loved me. But then I remembered back to my first thoughts about him. He had given that look to plenty of women before. He had probably given that love speech to plenty of women before. I sighed and looked around. It was just about closing time here. The evening waitress was sweeping away. She stopped by my table, giving me a small smile.

"We're closing, sweetie. Do you want me to call someone for you?" She was just being nice. She could probably feel just the utter sadness pouring out of my pores at this point.

"No, thank you though." I left ten dollars on the counter, more than enough for the single coffee I had. I shoved my hands into my jacket pockets and walked out. Summer was ending, bringing the cold weather that was just as frigid as my heart and soul felt. I walked around the corner to the side parking lot where I had parked when I stopped. Darlene's blonde curls shined in the flickering light of the lamp post. She turned to face me as I approached, a strange golden glare in her eyes. But it was probably the light plying tricks.

"Aw there you are, darlin!" She said, her accent seemed a lot more twangy than usual.

"I heard through the grapevine 'bout yer boyfrand. How 'bout I drive ya home? You jus' look so tired." She asked.

I shook my head, looking down as I unlocked my door with my keys.

"That's alright, Darlene. I can manage." As I unlocked the door I heard this wet and loud thud hit the pavement behind me. I looked in the reflection of the mirror and no longer saw Darlene, but Dean.

"You sure about that, sweetheart?" He slammed down an object on my head, smashing my face into my window and forcing me to the ground where everything faded to black.

-------------------------------------------------

Betcha didn't see that comin! Or maybe you did I don't know how predictable I am.

Reblogs and likes if you liked it!

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Read part 5 here!

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@happy-little-marvel

@hobby27

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[imaginetonyandbucky]

Hey, how about soulmate AU when you cannot lie to your soulmate? Preferably with The Winter Soldier being Tony's soulmate, not Bucky Barnes

A/N: Hey hey hey Steve didn’t know and when he found out Told Tony (Almost) Immediately. Ultron...? I guess didn’t happen. Everyone is a happy family. (And the Soldier isn't murder-happy anymore). ALSO I left this as an open ending, mostly because I ran into a writer’s block, although I love this fic. You’re welcome.

“Are you afraid of me too, мой пламя?” The Winter Soldier had been triggered. Fuck. This was the first time he had directly approached Tony, preferring to antagonize Steve or argue (converse?) rapidly in Russian with Nat.

So, needless to say, he was scared spitless. He knew what that metal arm could do. What that flesh arm could do. They had killed his parents.

When Steve had first brought the broken and terrified Bucky Barnes to the tower, he had told Tony the truth. That Bucky had told him he remembered the Starks, remembered them all. That Bucky was sorry. Bucky had apologized, too, after Tony had some time to cope, which mostly meant some alcohol and repulsor-blasting of non-essential components. He forgave him. But he still knew what those hands could do.

So yeah he was afraid. Not that he was going to admit to being scared, he was Tony Stark. “Of-” course I’m not was what he tried to say, but nothing came out. No he tried next. Still nothing.

Was there something wrong with his voice? Clearing his throat, he asked his own question. “Got bored of Spangles, snowflake?” So it wasn't his voice. His thoughts whirled. He saw the Soldier open his mouth, then close it.

“да,” the Soldier said a moment later. “He is easy to anger, but you are so fascinating, like a flame.”

Tony wasn't sure he liked where this was heading. Not a whole lot of people met their soulmates. It was statistically unlikely, given the seven billion people in the world. Still, a fair number of people met their soulmates, nearly 10%.

And apparently his was the Winter Soldier. Not James Buchanan Barnes, but The Winter Soldier. A ghost story to scare naughty spies. The (ex) Fist of Hydra. The person who had murdered his parents.

It shouldn't have even been possible. Had Bucky lived and died as normal, he would have been dead, or extremely elderly, by the time Tony had reached puberty.

But here they were.

(Watch out for the break!)

“Rogers,” he called, not taking his eyes off the former assassin. “Come get your frosty friend.”

“But we have only begun to talk, мой пламя,” the Soldier protested, pouting. Pouting, for fucks sake. He looked ridiculous. “And I cannot lie to you.”

Oh shit, he knew what that meant? Tony was so fucked.

Steve had come close enough to hear the Soldier say that. “Tony?” he asked cautiously.

“Looks like Winter here is my soulmate,” he said, trying for a cheerful tone but falling flat.

“Well, fuck,” Steve said.

Yeah. Well fuck.

--

It had taken a while, and several promises on Tony’s behalf before the Soldier would acquiesce to letting Bucky take control again.

Bucky looked disorientated, like he always did. Shaking his head like a dog, he looked at the worried faces of Steve and Tony. “What did he do?”

Steve hesitated, which only made Bucky look more concerned and upset.

“Looks like your murderous other half is my soulmate,” Tony said flatly. There was no way to ease Bucky into this.

Bucky paled. “What?”

Steve stepped closer, as if to catch Bucky if he fell over. “They- he- They were talking,” Steve finally managed to stumble out. “Apparently they can’t lie to each other.”

“It’s all very exciting, yes,” Tony said, still trying for calm. He was definitely not calm. He tapped at his arc reactor, an unconscious soothing motion. Still there. Still alive.

Bucky opened his mouth and closed it several times, like a guppy. “What?”

Tony held back the snarky (and frankly quite rude) comment by the skin of his teeth. It wasn’t fair to take it out on Bucky, it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t any of their faults, not even the Soldier’s. “Your other half got bored of aggravating Cap, came to talk to me. Said something in Russian - moy pluma?” He shrugged. He really needed to learn Russian. “Said I was fascinating. Not sure why, we haven’t talked before. I couldn’t lie to him, he said he couldn’t lie to me.”

“He called you his flame?” Bucky said, incredulously.

Tony frowned. “I guess?” He stretched out the syllables. “It was... kind of sweet?” Bucky looked so pale he could give a ghost a run for its money, he decided to not divulge that the Soldier had started their conversation by asking if Tony was scared. That wouldn't go over well.

“Look, obviously you need some time to... drink or put your head between your knees or something so I’ll let you stay with Captain Crunch here and I’m going to go call Pepper. And Rhodey. And probably get smashed. Not every day you find your soulmate and it ends up being half of someone.”

Bucky looked torn between grateful and pained, so Tony nodded at them both, and left.

--

After getting spectacularly drunk with his platypus, and blackout engineering with him, he woke up to Steve’s disappointed face hanging over him. He groaned. “What the hell, Rogers?”

“I thought you weren't going on anymore benders, Tony,” he said disapprovingly.

Tony squinted through aching eyeballs. “I think finding out my soulmate is The Winter Soldier means I’m allowed to get drunk.”

Steve sighed. There really wasn't much anyone could say to that. “Here,” he said, setting two aspirin and a bottle of water on the table next to Tony’s head.

Tony took the aspirin, and drank the whole bottle of water. “I love you,” he said gratefully after draining the bottle.

Steve looked amused. “You'll love me less when I tell you you need to get up and get breakfast.”

Tony pouted. “Why? Why can I enjoy my misery alone and in bed? It's the crack of dawn, you heathen.”

“Because you and Bucky need to talk and it's noon.”

Flinging an arm over his eyes dramatically and regretting it instantly, he groaned. “Fine. Fine! Slave-driver. I need to shower, get out.” He made shooing motions at Steve. Steve went, warning again him to be downstairs in half an hour.

--

After a shower and food, Tony felt considerably more human. Almost like he was ready to talk to Bucky. “J? Where's Buckaroo?”

“Mr. Barnes is in the common room, Sir.”

“Okay, great. Good. I got this.” Refilling his coffee mug, he headed out to the common room.

Bucky was sitting on the couch, staring out the window. He looked more fragile than he had in weeks. When Tony cleared his throat, Bucky startled, reaching for, no doubt, some sort of weapon, but stopped halfway. He turned towards Tony and immediately started apologizing. “God, Tony, I’m so sorry. I can stay in my room, or move out, or something. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.” Bucky looked like he was going to cry.

Tony frowned. He had never even considered any of those options. “Absolutely not, and not just because Steve would give me sad eyes for months. Have you seen those? I nearly cried myself.” He shook his head. “No, we can figure this out.” Tony sat on the chair next to the couch, giving Bucky some space.

“I-” Bucky opened his mouth.

“If the next words out of your mouth are some version of I'm sorry or I didn't know, I’ll give you sad eyes,” Tony threatened.

Bucky sighed. “I don't know what to say, then.”

Tony nodded, and took a sip of coffee. “Neither do I. But we can figure something out.”

Clutching a pillow to his lap, Bucky turned to face Tony. “I never thought I- or part of me- would have a soulmate again.”

“What happened to them?” He asked gently.

“Died.” Bucky said briefly. “Married after I was declared dead. Had three kids.”

Tony reached out to offer comfort, but stopped halfway, not knowing if Bucky would want any. Bucky took his hand, and squeezed then let go.

“I'm sorry,” Tony offered.

Bucky shrugged, clearly not willing to accept much comfort about this subject.

Clearing his throat, Tony changed the subject. “Do you and the Soldier.... talk? Or interact?”

“Not really. I get hazy memories when we switch sometimes, but mostly it's just a hole in my memory.”

Tony nodded, his mind racing about it all but it was too early to talk more about that still. Bucky was still wary of the Soldier, and it wouldn't do to prod at him about the subject - yet.

“So.” Tony paused, unsure. “How do you want to proceed?”

Bucky looked startled again. “What do you mean proceed?”

“I mean, do you want me to avoid you when you're in Soldier-mode? Do you want to go on dates as Bucky-and-Tony? Do you want to find someone else while I... feel out this thing with the Soldier? Do you want to ignore me entirely?” Tony shrugged. “I'm forty-three, Bucky-bear. I never expected to find a soulmate at this point, and it is your body. Just because half of you is my soulmate doesn't mean that I have any right to is.”

Bucky was staring at him, his mouth open.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” Tony asked defensively.

Bucky shut his mouth with a click, and shook his head vigorously. “No, no, I just- what would you want with a half-brainwashed assassin, or a traumatized ex-sniper?”

“Because that murder strut of his is hot? Because he called me his flame?” Tony shrugged. “Because I like the idea soulmates, or at least attempting at it.” And he looked very serious now. “And you, Buck-a-roni, you're worth a chance too. You're sweet and attractive and, let's be honest, everyone here is messed up. And that's a good enough place to start from for me.”

Bucky looked at him for a long minute, long enough for Tony to start wondering if he had come on too strong, but then Bucky nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, let's all try this.”

“Are you sure? An... open relationship between me and you and me and the Soldier?” Tony asked again, making sure.

Bucky nodded. “I'm sure.”

Tony nodded slowly. “I should probably... talk to him,” he said, not wanting to force Bucky to be someone he hated but needing to make sure everyone was on the same page.

Bucky nodded again. “Figured,” he huffed, sounding resigned. “Guess I'll be him more.”

“Wait!” Tony cried. “Not more,” he told Bucky, trying to make Bucky understand. “Never more him than you. I don't want you to lose yourself.”

Bucky gave him a genuine smile. It was small, but real and warm. “I just meant more than I am now, but thank you.”

Bucky closed his eyes, and then the Soldier was there.

“Приве́т, мой ма́ленький,” the Soldier said. “I see you have talked to him.” He sounded pleased.

Tony’s theory was confirmed, but he didn’t want to talk about accepting your other half in order to remember things right now. “What did you see?”

The Soldier was much more tactile than Bucky, and patted the couch. “Come, sit with me, and I will tell you.”

Tony rolled his eyes but was secretly pleased. He was very much a tactile person, and wanted to cuddle as much as possible. He got up and sat on the couch next to the Soldier. “Now tell me, Soldier.”

“That he and I are to share you, мой ма́ленький, and you are very noble, offering to avoid me for his comfort.”

Tony nodded. “That’s the gist of it. So... thoughts?”

“My little one, you have come up with a very good compromise. I am fine with this, although I would prefer to see you more often,” the Soldier said, looking a little troubled.

“Hey, I’m not little!” Tony exclaimed. Ignoring the chuckling assassin, he continued. “I just want both of you to be comfortable, and he’s.. not when you’re out. It takes him back, mentally. But maybe we can go on dates, once a week or something like that.”

The Soldier thought it over, before agreeing. “I will agree to this, but when he his better, I would like more equal time with you.”

Tony took his hand. “We can re-negotiate whenever we need to, Soldier.” He paused. “What should I call you?”

The Soldier cocked his head. “What do you mean?”

“Your name. I can’t keep calling you The Soldier,” he said, emphasizing the capital letters.

“Яков,” he decided. “Or Yasha.”

“Yakov?” Tony asked. “Yasha, I think. I dated a Jacob, and that sounds too similar.”

“Very well, мой ма́ленький,” Yasha said. “Yasha.”

--

(bad?) Russian translation/history

мой пламя - moy playma - my flameДа - da - yesПриве́т - privét - hi (informal)мой ма́ленький - moy malen'kiy - my little one (I stitched this one together)Яков - YakovJames/Jacob is from Hebrew YAAKOV (James was derived from Jacob) and the common diminutive/nickname from Яков is Yasha, which is why you see a lot of Yasha in fics. (I wanted to be different ok)

[katara-s-blog]

Breathing Exercises, a Zutara oneshot

Written for day two of @zutaraweek 2017! I hope you enjoy it.  Read on AO3

Summary: After two years, Zuko and Katara meet again in the South Pole, and a confrontation quickly turns into a swim in the Antarctic sea. Or, Zuko learns the difference between drowning and being underwater. Rated T.

He looks in the mirror, and finds Ozai staring back.

The faucet runs, and he cups his hands under the water. He throws the water at his face, desperate to wash off his father’s eyes, his father’s grin. In the mirror, nothing has changed, so he claws at his flawless skin. The faucet continues to run, and soon the water is up to his waist. Then his chest. His neck. He continues to claw at his face until the water in front of him starts to pink with blood, until it rises up to his eyes.

Gasping awake, Zuko reaches for his cheek. Relief washes over him as his fingers brush the plastic smoothness of his scar. His room, too large for one man, is lit with early morning light, and he focuses his attention on the soft edges of the bed, and then the doorframe, and then the tapestry. He turns his head to the right and traces the window with his eyes. I’m here, he reminds himself, I’m here. He presses his palm on his chest, feeling a scar there too, as if to still his rapid heartbeat. Too many mornings he wakes up this way, gasping, jolted awake by his ghosts. Each time he wonders how much time has to pass before he no longer feels like drowning.

It has been two years since the war ended, two years since he assumed the position as Fire Lord. It has been two years of atoning for a century of terror and atrocities. It has only been two years, Zuko thinks as he begins his day as he usually does: getting dressed, having breakfast, reviewing newly arrived letters of requests and complaints. The work is tedious, but necessary, and Zuko is determined to bring honor back to his nation. There is nothing else he’d rather do. Some days, however, or perhaps too many days, he wishes he could just breathe without thinking about what his people will eat, about what to do with the remaining colonies. He can only imagine what it must be like to not worry about things often too big for himself on a daily basis. Even before becoming Fire Lord, Zuko lived with a pressure around his neck. As a boy, he had his prodigy of a sister to constantly catch up to. He needed to prove himself as a skilled firebender, and soon enough, a worthy heir to the throne. With the latter backfiring, he lived out three years of his life in banishment, forced to capture the Avatar no one believed was even still alive. Three years at sea, surrounded on all fronts with water that never seemed to end, has trained him to resist more than just pressure. Now, as the Fire Lord during the first era of peace in a hundred years, Zuko is expected to make reparations with other nations while keeping his own stable and satisfied. He has to quell rebellions, to be vigilant of assassination attempts. He worries, too, about his sister, who, in her recovery, refuses to civilly interact with Zuko. Underneath all that, the fear that he will turn out to be just like his predecessors runs deep: every day he struggles to cope with Ozai’s legacy, with being Ozai’s legacy.

It’s too early for this, he thinks, rubbing his temples. He closes his eyes for a moment and focuses on his breathing until he feels calmer. One day at a time. Picking up the next scroll, Zuko finds its contents pleasantly surprising. It’s an invitation to the inauguration of the Southern Water Tribe’s new town hall. As Fire Lord and friend of Sokka and Katara, who have become political leaders of their tribe themselves, Zuko had been regularly receiving updates regarding the state of the SWT. He knows that its sister tribe heavily assisted in rebuilding it, and that establishing a school for benders and non-benders alike, in order to preserve their culture, had been a priority. So too was reestablishing a political organization, a better one, since their population has been steadily increasing in the past few years. This inauguration, the letter says, is basically an opportunity for the Southern Water Tribe to present itself to the rest of the world as a political power. Having been one of the more heavily damaged nations during the Hundred Year War, the inauguration is their way of announcing that they are back on their feet, and they have invited the leaders of each nation—several from the Earth Kingdom due to its size—to witness it.

Politically, attending the inauguration would be advantageous: it would be an opportunity to meet and discuss with world leaders again, the last summit having been almost four months ago. It would also be a show of goodwill on his part as the Fire Lord: firebenders have not set foot on the South Pole in a hundred years without bringing fear and terror with them—and that includes him. The last time he was there was the same time he first saw the Avatar and terrorized the small village. He had been too busy as Fire Lord to pay a visit since then, and international conferences have so far only been held either in the Fire Nation or in the Northern Water Tribe. He had provided financial assistance, of course, but that was as far as his relationship went with the South Pole.

Personally, attending the inauguration would be a chance to see his friends again. He does not need more motivation than that.

-

A week later, Zuko sights the South Pole.

It hadn’t been too long since his last voyage. Last time, almost four months ago, the North Pole had been his destination for the biannual summit. He came with his uncle then who served as his adviser shortly before deciding he wanted to settle down and return to managing the Jasmine Dragon in Ba Sing Se. Taking this voyage reminds him of that fact, of his uncle, and the reminder is a knot in his chest. He had been happy for his uncle, he is happy for him, but he is still adjusting to not having the wise man to regularly turn to.

Attendance during the last summit was complete, with each nation-state represented, but Zuko noted that, despite his expectations, Katara was not there. She was present at the first one in Caldera, representing the SWT along with her brother, so he was surprised she wasn’t at the second summit. Sokka explained that she had projects she needed to focus on back in the South Pole, but he had the inkling that there was more to her absence than that. He didn’t pry, though. He didn’t really have a reason to.

It is for this reason, perhaps, that Zuko is incredibly excited and nervous that he is going to be seeing her this time around. They have not spoken much since the war ended, exchanging only small conversations at the first summit, and mailing each other mostly business letters sprinkled with a couple of pleasantries. He has been secretly disappointed at how their friendship turned out since then. Zuko tries not to think about it too much, but Katara was one of the few people he could confide in that he knew would empathize, not just sympathize. Their short time together in the days leading to Sozin’s Comet had been comfortable, no, more than that. Like I were at ease. Not completely, of course, as those were days of war, but in the midst of the worry and anticipation, Katara’s company put him at ease. She understood him, respected him. She saw him at his worst, and forgave him twice. He felt like a person in her presence, not the prince of the Fire Nation, not a firebending teacher. Just Zuko, the firebender.

“Hey Fire Lord,” Zuko hears from a distance, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Are you going to get down here or what?”

He notices just now that the ship has docked at the South Pole. The soldiers he traveled with are lined up by the railing, already ready to disembark. For a moment he feels embarrassed, thinking that someone probably informed him of their arrival and that he must not have heard it. He thanks his crew anyway, and makes his way down to the pier. A small group of people in Southern Water Tribe garb are waiting to greet them, and he squints through the cold air to see their faces. He immediately sees Sokka waving, and realizes it is him who must’ve called out. Beside him stands Katara, and he tries not stare. He tries not to reveal his anxiety as the cold begins to register in his body.

“I forget how cold the Poles can be,” is how he starts his greeting. Sokka laughs, drawing him into a hug.

“Says the guy who swam in Antarctic waters.” He sees Katara’s bright, smiling face before she tackles him in a tight embrace. She smells like warmth, and the sea, and her arms around his torso feel like safety. “It’s been a while.”

Pulling away, he regards how Katara has changed since he last saw her. Her face is sharper, and her blue eyes still carry the same fire he remembers. She is taller, too, and fuller.

“I, uh, we missed you at the last summit,” he says, hoping they did not notice his error.

“Yeah, well, I was busy,” Katara says with a small smile. Then, gesturing to the other people around them, she introduces them to Zuko one by one. They are officials, he learns, and he tries to remember their names. He loses them in a minute, but he maintains his composure throughout the introduction.

“You’re two days early, so we’ll have plenty of time to catch up,” Sokka says as he pats Zuko’s back, pushing him further inland. Drawing his eyes away from the small group, he looks up and is awed—the South Pole is unrecognizable to him. Gone were the tents of animal hide and small fences of snow, replaced by large, intricate ice structures creating an incredible skyline. On their walk towards the old town hall, where he will be housed for the meanwhile, he learns the following: He is the first foreign dignitary to arrive, Sokka and Suki are finally engaged, and the recently renovated school is successfully operating. He and Katara do not speak the whole time, but he is hyperaware of her presence beside him.

-

After dinner, Katara invites him to take a walk.

“I’d love to.” He is telling the truth, but he doesn’t tell her how nervous she is making him.

It’s still bright out, to his confusion, and then he remembers that, half the year, the South Pole does not experience nights at all. Not being able to approximate the time based on the sunlight disconcerts him. Among other things.

“So,” he begins as they pass by the small school behind the town hall. “What were you up to at the last summit?”

Beside him, Katara remains quiet, but he doesn’t push her. They just continue walking, and Zuko pays attention to his surroundings first instead. Patterned textiles hang outside many of the ice structures. He reminds himself to ask Katara about them, but perhaps not today.

It takes a while before she speaks again. In a soft voice, she says, “I owe you an apology, Zuko.”

He stops in his tracks and faces her. She keeps her eyes down, avoiding his gaze. “Why would you owe me an apology?” Zuko asks, confused.

“Let’s keep walking,” Katara says, and he follows.

He respects her silence, but the longer she kept it, the more anxious Zuko became. He could not think of a single transgression that he could fault her for. If anything, there are many things to thank her for. So what did she mean?

They reach a quiet part in the outskirts of town, away from curious eyes. The nearest structure is a small house that does not seem to be housing anyone at the moment. Nearby, he could hear the sea, and they seem to be walking towards it. Of course she would take us to the sea, he thinks.

Then, “I shouldn’t have left you.”

Again, Zuko stops. To this, he does not have anything to say. He’d be lying if he said that it was okay that she did. He understands why, he understands both their circumstances. Katara had obligations elsewhere, and he had his. Personal and political ones. He has gone through this in his head many times. But he’d be lying if he said he was okay when she did.

“You had no obligation to stay, Katara.”

Katara exhaled heavily and sat down on the snow. “I know. I just—you needed people, too. I didn’t know Iroh would move back to Ba Sing Se. Or that,” she pauses, “Mai would join her family back in Omashu. I’m sorry.”

That everyone left, you mean.

He sat down beside her, focusing his gaze on the horizon. “Katara, none of that’s your fault.”

“No, Zuko, I just mean”—she takes a deep breath—“that you’re my friend too. And that I didn’t treat you like one these past few years. And, I’m sorry for that.”

This time, Zuko was the one who kept quiet. Neither of them looked at each other.

“You might have noticed,” she continued, “that Aang and I aren’t, uh, together.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask, but I wasn’t sure if it was in my place to do so,” he replies, trying not to sound embarrassed. “Are you okay?”

Hugging her knees, she answers, “I am, I suppose. I broke up with him. This was right before the summit, so it was a big reason why I decided to stay behind, to be honest. I hated that I did, I hurt him, you know?” She sighs, turning away. “But I had to. I felt like I was losing myself along the way. I just knew that the life he needed to live as the Avatar couldn’t involve me. I was miserable, to say the least.” At that last sentence, her voice drops almost to a whisper.

Zuko was shocked. To him, and perhaps to many people, Aang and Katara were the perfect, happy couple, leading the world’s transition into an era of peace and equality. It surprised him, and made him sad, to discover she wasn’t happy at all. “I’m sorry, Katara. I didn’t know.”

She went on, “I just followed him around. I didn’t get to pursue what I wanted. I barely corresponded with my friends, even with Sokka. I barely talked to you, after everything you’ve done for me,” she trails off. “You didn’t deserve that.”

His chest keeps tightening, as though he’s about to burst. He feels consoled by the apology he didn’t know he needed, but he still doesn’t see it as her fault, or anyone’s fault. “Katara—“

“And then when Sokka got home from the summit, he told me about how you’ve been doing, all the work you’ve been doing. And then he told me Iroh was officially retiring, and in Ba Sing Se, and I couldn’t help but think of difficult it must be to be the Fire Lord and be alone.”

A pause. “I could have been there,” she says, turning her head to face him this time.

Zuko presses his lips into a line. He couldn’t articulate what he’s feeling at that moment. Everything Katara is saying is true, but he has tried not to think of it that way, that he’s alone. It shouldn’t matter, he thinks. I have my duty as Fire Lord. It was always going to be difficult. And it is.

Instead he says, “I wish I could have been there, too. Given you support when you needed it. It must’ve have taken a lot of courage to stand up for yourself when it comes to someone you care about. I get that, and I’m proud of you.”

“Now you’re just being too nice,” Katara laughs, and Zuko is relieved when the air around them becomes lighter. “But thanks, Zuko. That means a lot to me.”

He shrugs, smiling at her. “Friends should be there for each other, right?” He sighs. “I try not to think I’m alone. It makes the job much more difficult, but you’re right. It’s there. Sometimes…” He bites his lip, trying to find the words. “Sometimes I can’t breathe, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Hey,” Katara gently places her hand on his scarred cheek and tilts his face toward hers. He tries not to quiver under her touch. Her eyes are bright, glistening with concern. “I want you to know that you can talk to me, Zuko. That’s what I wanted to get at, basically. You can tell me.”

“Trust me, you wouldn’t want to hear about the failing trading policies between the Fire Nation and Omashu,” he half-joked.

“I would actually,” she corrects, her eyebrows raised. “I could even give you advice. You may be Fire Lord, but you’re not the only leader around here.” She grins playfully, and Zuko feels a weight leave his chest, replaced with something electric.

“Maybe tomorrow,” Zuko says, taking her up on her offer. “Today, I am not going to think about that.”

He feels Katara’s eyes on his face but he doesn’t return the gaze. Katara seems to understand and sighs, looking towards the horizon again. She gently places her hand on his shoulder instead, and squeezes.

“Do you want to hear a terrible idea?” Katara asks, breaking the silence.

Zuko perks an eyebrow. “What?”

Standing up, she says, “Let’s take a swim, like you once did.”

Zuko stares at her incredulously. “I barely survived the last time, and last time I was just desperate.” He laughs. “And why would I willingly subject myself to that if I could stay warm up here?”

“I don’t know, for the fun of it, come on,” Katara urges, all traces of their previous conversation washed away from her face. “I’ve only ever accidentally fallen into the water, so this’ll be a first for me. Sort of,” she smiles.

Amused, Zuko shakes his head, but agrees anyway. “Fine,” he looks up at her, locking their eyes. “Remember that this was your idea,” he says, standing up, secretly excited by the rush of adrenaline he knows he’ll get upon falling into the frigid waters. He removes his shoes and outer robes, leaving on his tunic and pants. The wind pierces into his thin clothing like needles.

Katara, looking fierce and almost victorious, also takes off her parka, leaving on as much as Zuko did. “I will regret this in a minute.”

“I know. Let’s jump for it. Are you ready?” Zuko prompts, bracing himself. He’s not too worried about himself, knowing that he can breathe warmth through his body like last time. He’s more worried about Katara, who, despite having lived in the South Pole all her life, would probably not be resistant to the biting cold of the water.

She grabs hold of his hand, and for a second the heat between their hands is sharper than the Antarctic wind on his face, and in another, they are jumping into the ice-cold sea.

The cold registers like a shock, and his body automatically regulates its heat. Focusing on his breathing, he exerts a bit more effort to make himself warmer, until he is almost comfortably so.

“Terrible idea,” he hears Katara stutter through chattering teeth. “Terrible, terrible idea.” She’s laughing, though, as she embraces herself for warmth. Without a thought, Zuko pulls her shivering body to him, and shares his warmth with her. He laughs, too, to hide his embarrassment and awkwardness. Katara, still shaking from both the cold and her laughter, breathes a warm sigh on his shoulder and puts her arms around his body.

They stay like this for a moment, pressed up against each other as they tread in the water. Zuko feels light, as though nothing waited beyond the ice and sea. Extending all around him are just the whites and blues of water, and in his arms, Katara breathing against his skin. He runs a hand slowly down the back of her head.

“Zuko,” she looks up at him, her lips pale.

“Do you trust me?” He asks boldly, resting his hand on her cheek. She nods, then tilts her face towards Zuko’s palm, sending a rush of heat through his body. What cold, he thinks to himself.

“Hold your breath, then.” He has already been holding his, he realizes.

Her eyes, inquisitive at first, light up when she realizes what he has in mind. Slowly, then, he pulls them both underwater, holding Katara close to him, keeping her warm. In his ears, he hears the static of water. He keeps his eyes closed and focuses on their connected bodies, regulating both their heat. Katara clings to him, to his warmth, moving her hands around the plane of his back. Underwater, she is weightless and tender, and warm, despite it all. He keeps one arm around her waist, and another at the back of her neck, pressing her head gently against his chest. He feels her long hair floating behind her, and he imagines what they must look like, their bodies tangled like that. She nuzzles her face in his neck without warning, as if digging for more warmth, and did it feel like warmth. Like being at ease. Holding his breath like that, in the arms of someone he begins to realize he has always loved, he feels like he’s breathing for the first time in a long time.

[phil-the-cinephile]

Title: Dream Boy Initial Release: October 2008 (Chicago International Film Festival) Director: James Bolton Based on: a novel of the same name by Jim Grimsley

Blogger’s Rating:  4.2/5

Blogger’s Review

I am shaking right now, as I try to remember what happened to me when I watched that “delicate but depressing” film. I was completely shookt when I watch it. It was around 2 or 3 AM, I guess, when I lay my back against the wall and my feet on the other side of my bed. It was dark and quite humid inside my room when the film start to tell its story. Honestly, I was shocked because I did not expect the scenes. Maybe it’s because I am expecting of a happy or colorful film from the start, but then as you steadily watch and wait, you’d prefer to just sit and understand why. And also, the tension which the character was going and had gone through, hits you so so hard that it’ll come to the point you’d end up being depressed and crying. And realization will strike us, that maybe it’s better for this film to stay just right as it is, to express a mood of only one color, which is blue. I wanted to define the film in way that you’d also be persuaded to watch it. I may fail to do so because you’d come up with the idea that the film is not worthy to watch because I said that it is a depressing one. No, I am pushing you to watch this film because I want you to understand that a rape or an abuse under the same roof does exists. Not only that, it really impacts the person who was molested for he may carry that thought/idea with him as he grows, as he established his own family, as he plans to keep it forever, up to the point that he feels depressed during his entire life, as if he did not live, as if he did not feel like he is a human. 

“Brutal, beautiful, and unbearably touching, a love letter to love itself.” - (4 stars) Gaydar Nation 

NOTE

Oops, Spoiler alert! Do not go beyond this point if you haven’t watch this film or you may go because it’s your choice. Click ‘keep reading’ if you want to see what’s beyond.

PLOT/SYNOPSIS

Fifteen-year-old Nathan Davies (Stephan Bender) moves to St. Francisville, Louisiana, a small Southern town with his parents (Thomas Jay Ryan and Diana Scarwid) and starts to befriend the older boy next door, Roy (Maximillian Roeg), fellow high school student and bus driver, who is in a relationship with Evelyn (Rooney Mara). Nathan and Roy start to develop their relationship by helping each other with school work at Nathan's house. While Roy is teaching Nathan how to solve an algebra problem, Nathan touches his hand. Roy pulls away at first, but then takes hold of Nathan's hand.

After they finish their work, the boys go for a walk in the woods, finding an old cemetery, where they stop and start kissing. They undress down to everything but socks and underwear, and lie in an embrace together. The relationship between Nathan and his father is revealed to be a little strange and full of tension. One morning Roy pulls the bus into a part in the woods and they kiss and Nathan touches Roy. Roy asks if Nathan has ever done this with anyone before, and he promises he never has. Roy takes Nathan swimming with Burke and Randy, but Nathan admits he can't swim. While watching Roy, Burke threatens to throw him in the water, but Roy stops him. While Roy is driving them home, he pulls onto the side of the road and they start kissing. When Nathan starts to have sex with Roy, Roy angrily stops him, asking "who taught [him] to screw like that". Nathan swears "no one".

When Nathan gets home that night, his father wants to know if he had a good time. Nathan is on the brink of tears as he answers his father. He ties a string up to his dresser drawer and bedpost, tucks his pillows under his sheets, and moves to the floor to sleep. In the night he hears a thud and runs from his room, because it's his father sneaking in. It is later revealed that his father had touched him in the past inappropriately. Nathan sleeps outside and comes home only for meals, but returns to his tree outside after eating.

Roy finds him and offers him a place to sleep in his family's barn. The next morning, Nathan goes home for breakfast and his father catches him, yelling at him to not run from him, but Nathan's mother interrupts and he runs to the school bus. Later, Roy tells Nathan they're going camping with Burke and Randy that weekend. That night, Roy tells ghost stories around the campfire, and in their tent, Nathan gives Roy a blowjob, and Roy asks him if he minds when Roy doesn't do those things back to him, and Nathan says he doesn't mind. Hiking through the woods, the boys find an old plantation house. They go inside to investigate, and Nathan hears a voice call his name, resembling his father's. They then find cloth with what looks like to be blood on it, and they smell sulfur (which Nathan says is the smell of the Devil), and the boys see a shadow move up the stairs.

Burke takes the flashlight from Roy and goes to investigate with Randy. Roy and Nathan go into a bedroom and talk, and Nathan says he feels as if he'll never leave that house. He hears the voice again and Roy goes to see if the guys are back. Nathan sees his father and closes his eyes tight, when Roy enters the room again. He tells Nathan not to look at whatever he's seeing anymore and kisses him. Roy gets down on his knees and proceeds to fellate Nathan, when Burke and Randy find them. Roy storms out of the room, and Nathan hears the voice again, and is suddenly knocked unconscious. A shadow of a person carries him up the stairs.

In the attic, Burke rapes Nathan, and realizing what he's done, disgusted with himself, he breaks an arm off a rocking chair and knocks Nathan over the head with it. Blood starts pooling on the floor beneath Nathan's head, and Burke leaves him in the attic. When Roy and Randy find Nathan early the next morning, he appears to be dead. Roy tells Randy to go on and find Burke, whom he says he doesn't believe at this point about what happened. Roy cries once Randy leaves, then Roy leaves too. The police arrive, bringing Nathan's father who tearfully covers Nathan's face with a blanket.

Nathan awakens from a coma, or resurrected if he died, gets up and leaves the plantation house. He wanders for a long time still dazed from the blow to his head. Finally he sees Roy coming out of Sunday evening church, but Roy is with his family, so Nathan wanders around some more waiting for Roy to get home. Nathan's mother leaves his father, and Nathan, his head now clear, finds Roy crying in the barn where Nathan slept while hiding from his father. As Roy looks up, he sees Nathan and hugs him.

At the end of the story, Roy is driving the bus and looks in the mirror to an empty seat, but when he looks a second time, Nathan is there smiling at him.

The movie departs from the novel and leaves the impression that Nathan is truly dead, and that the previous scenes were a wishful dream sequence of one of the two boy lovers, presumably Roy. In the book this scene does not take place. The book has the boys meeting in the yard of Roy's church, running together into the woods to talk things over, and deciding to run away together since Roy has been seen sucking Nathan by both Burke and Randy, and both boys will surely will be outed to their families and the whole community. The book ends with: "They hear the voices of people searching for them in the woods. They stand and go. They never look back."

[sweetlittlecaitlyn-blog]

In the Morning | Caitlyn

Cats can’t tell when their own is hungover. Can’t tell when it’s the weekend and there’s no reason to get out of bed early. Or if they can, they simply don’t care. Because after a long night of choking back tears and drinking alone in her apartment, Caitlyn still had to wake up, at the crack of dawn, too two high pitched meows, waiting to be fed. Her hand felt around her nightstand, looking for her phone as if they were her alarm. Of course it was dead. Still had to stumble her way into the kitchen, the world blinking in and out of existence, trying to get herself some water and some Advil before she screamed from the splitting headache she had. Caitlyn didn’t get drunk often, never found much good ever came from it, but she was never one to do something half-way. After she had chugged the water, she set to feeding her cats so she could get back to bed, the best cure for a hangover was to sleep through it.  

Still disoriented, Caitlyn grabbed two cans of food for Rosemary and Verity. She struggled for a minute to crack them open, but as soon as she did, she instantly regretted not reaching for the dry food, placing the can down and hunching over the sink to throw up her guts into until she was left dry heaving. Her own mistake, really. She let the water run until everything was solidly down the drain, before switching on the garbage disposal, flinching at the noise but knowing better than to let the smell linger.  Another full cup of water to try and get rid of the taste, before going for the open cans, nose plugged with one hand as she emptied them both onto dishes for the cats.  

Before she went back to bed, Caitlyn stopped by the bathroom, swishing around some mouthwash and splashing her face with a little bit of warm water. She grabbed her spa headband and pushed her hair out of her face.  With another cup of water ready for her to drink the next time she woke, and another dose of Advil, and her phone on the charger, Caitlyn slipped back under the covers. None of this was what anybody would guess from her. She almost liked it, in that sense.  She didn’t have to put on a smile, keep a positive attitude, be a friendly face for anyone. And Caitlyn wanted to get back to that being natural, she wanted to be as happy as she had been before she got relocated.  But working to that point was utterly exhausting. If it was even possible. Caitlyn had already resigned to keep everyone but her remaining brother at arm’s distance, she wouldn’t put anyone else in danger. It was the right thing to do, but it still left her lonely. She doubted that would ever pass, and that meant a big roadblock in feeling like herself. 

She missed Beau. She missed him everyday. He was the reason for this bender, indirectly. Just opened up her inbox for some questions, thought it could be fun. And then the whole focus was on her relationship with Beau. She couldn’t handle that. Thought she might be able to. It’d been so long. But she couldn’t. It broke her heart all over again. Of course Beau got his fair share too. That was almost worse, seeing his answers.She already knew what she’d done, and while she hadn’t had a choice the first time, hurting Beau the second time was entirely on her. She’d said horrible things to him. And she’d seen how much it hurt him then. Killed her, if she hadn’t been so angry at life she might have taken it all back right there, caved against her resolutions and told him everything. She knew what she had said had broken both their hearts at once. But after all this time, maybe she could hear him say it and be fine. It was just a fact after all. Caitlyn didn’t think, now, she was ever going to be able deal with how she and Beau had ended up. In another life, she saw herself loving him. 

She missed her brother too, which is why she was so damn resolved to stay away from Beau, despite how she felt. She couldn’t bring Andrew back. Couldn’t trade places, could do anything to save him. But Beau, she could protect. She was going to protect, even if that meant she was never really herself again. Caitlyn knew she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if anything ever happened to him just because he was important to her.  So it had to look like he wasn’t. That there wasn’t anybody important to her aside from her brother, and if he wasn’t already in the danger with her Caitlyn would have found a way to protect him too. She didn’t mind the loneliness if it meant that the people she cared about were safe.  It could be violent paranoia, but if there was a one percent chance that the people that had come after her and her brothers could find her than she had to take it as absolute certainty.

When she woke up again, it was solidly into the afternoon. The hangover had faded some, at least. Worth the trade of most of her day, in her books.  She grabbed her phone, powering it on to check the time. There were a few unread messages from Blake. Caitlyn groaned, of course she’d managed to drunk text somebody before losing battery.  At least it was Blake, he’d always been a friendly face. She didn’t need to avoid him all together.  Going to type up an apology for ghosting out of nowhere last night, a bit of dread set in as she read the last message he’d sent. ‘I hope it works out for you, I mean from what I remember Beau is pretty nice, so I'm sure he won't be a big dick about it’ About what? What had she done? Even drunk, Caitlyn didn’t think she would have turned and spilled everything. Yes, being near Beau again was eating her alive, but she knew better.  Taking a drink of the water she’d laid out, she scrolled up to the begin of the conversation, getting progressively more worried with every text she read. By the time she got to the first mention of email her stomach was in knots. She hadn’t. She couldn’t have.  It took her nearly three minutes to work up the courage to actually check her email. 

In reality, it probably took 10 seconds to refresh her email.  It felt like it was 10 years.  But there it was, shooting dread through her entire body. (1) Unread from Beau Rathbone. She was going to be sick again. What had she said? What had he said? He had to know she was drunk when sending it, she wasn’t a neat drunk that could pull off eloquent sentences. Her thoughts were always jumbled, and she made endless typos.  She hadn’t reached out to him since the first time they ran into each other, how could she? But this was the first communication they’d had since. Caitlyn went to her sent box, reading the message.  It was a mess.  Begging Beau to hate her, apologizing, saying how she’d been missing him extra. But she hadn’t said anything about why. Hadn’t explained. In a way, she was relieved. It was easier to stay away from Beau while he thought she had just up and left him without a word.  But any relief was gone as she went back to the inbox, slowly reading and re-reading Beau’s reply.

“I don’t hate you.” The sentence struck through her core, left her with tears stinging at her eyes. He needed to hate her, so there was no chance that she could cave and try to get him back in her life. But more than that, it was the best thing she’d heard in so long. The first thing to make her genuinely happy to hear in months. Despite knowing that it changed absolutely nothing, that she needed Beau to hate her, just seeing it written that he didn’t hate her had her feeling more like the Caitlyn she wanted to be than she had since she’d lost Andrew. The first tear to fall burned down her cheek, she could swear it had left a scar. “I thought that I was someone that could actually make you happy.” That set it off. Just how unfair this was to Beau. How much he didn’t know. What he was left to piece together.  That he was left to assume that he wasn’t what she wanted. That she’d left because he didn’t make her happy. Her chest shook as she cried, losing track of the time. Just curled her knees up to her chest, sobbing, trying to read Beau’s email again through blurry vision.

She had checked the time when she finally composed herself, simply because she couldn’t cry anymore, but it failed entirely to register with her. Nothing felt real, like it mattered. Everything she looked at was fuzzy, like she was viewing the world off-focus.  Wasn’t sure why, but somewhere along the way she had hit reply, just staring down the blank email,for a few minutes, before starting to type, just to get what she could out there, just something to stop feeling like she was for a moment. RE:RE:sorry. 

Beau-

I’m sorry about messaging you drunk. I know that was definitely not the ideal way to hear from me. Though, I’m not sure if there is an ideal way. I was pretty sure your ideal way to hear from me would be to never hear anything. But I can’t undo sending you that email. I’m a little more coherent now. But I might have lost the courage I had to hit send last night. I could fill a novel with the unsent message I’ve written you. A day hasn’t gone by since the first time I left Portland where you haven’t been on my mind. I miss you terribly. I wasn’t even allowed time to save a picture when I left. Lost my phone and my computer as well. I was terrified that one day I’d forget your face. I never did. And when I was allowed to go to back to Portland, seeing you was the closet to happy I had been since leaving. I know that’s hard to believe, given all the horrible things I said to you, how I treated you. I really am so sorry you ever met that Caitlyn. I was furious with the world, how everything had gone, the people I’d lost. I wouldn’t add you to that list, so I channeled all that anger towards you, in hopes you’d hate me and move on with your life and be happy. I regretted each word as it left my mouth. Learning now that it was pointless only makes what I did worse. And I’m sorry, honestly. You deserve so much better than that. I’d like to say I’m not that Caitlyn anymore, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I’m still upset with the world and outright angry with fate. I’m still mourning my brother and I’m so unbelievably angry that I got such short time with you. But I’m trying not to be, anymore. I liked being the Caitlyn that was at peace with the world, that did her best to make everyone smile because there is enough negativity in the world. I thought she was gone forever, for a while. I’m still not sure. But it feels better to fake a smile than it does just to sink farther into this anger.

There’s so much about what happened with us that you don’t know. That I couldn’t tell you at the time, that  I haven’t now because it won’t change anything. Only has the potential to make this harder on both of us because nothing can change between us. I wish things were different, I wish we had met earlier in life, so we could have some real time together. I wish that you could forget who I am entirely, because I know I hurt you and you shouldn’t have to live with that. But wishing won’t change anything. Nothing will.  Not that you have any reason to, but trust me when I say you’re better off keeping me out of your life entirely.  I do want to clear up one thing you said in your reply. And it’s my fault you think that. When you said that you’re not saying you’ll be what I want, someone who could make me happy. You were always those things and more, Beau. Since before we got together, you were. But there’s more going on than you understand. What I wanted didn’t matter. I didn’t have a choice when I first left Portland. I can’t explain it, even if I could it doesn’t matter now. I just can’t stomach the idea of you thinking anything you did, or were was any reason behind this. You are one of the most amazing and genuine people I’ve ever met, if I wasn’t me I would never let you go. But this is the only option, no matter the explanation. 

I still don’t know if I’ll ever send this. But if I do, know this, you deserve the world, Beau. I hope you go and do amazing things, make your life so great, and let the memories that we share fade in the shadow of how wonderful your life is. I’ll always be hoping that for you. 

-Caitlyn

Sobs came as she signed her name, but there weren’t any tears left, just a hot pain in her lungs, a cracking at the back of her throat.  Caitlyn did even know what the email said by the time she’d finished writing it, just had let everything she could out.  There was no way she could hit send, she knew better. Knew what she should do, just save it to her drafts and leave it at that, maybe Beau wasn’t even expecting a reply. But this was the closest to closure either of them might ever get, that kept her lingering on the email for way too long.Throwing back what ifs, weighing pros and cons, debating with herself. She knew better. Caitlyn had already messed up more than once in the last twenty four hours, this would just be the icing on top. But her thumb didn’t move from hovering over the send button as she tried to gather herself. Beau deserved something from her sober, at least. This could be the end of it all, the definitive end of them having anything to do with each other, aside from acknowledging the other as an ex. Caitlyn wasn’t sure which was worse, if she was being honest. 

It came down to a chance, Caitlyn switched on the TV, if a show was playing, she’d send the message. If it was a commercial, she’d add it to her long list of drafts to Beau. As soon as she saw Brooklyn 99 on, her finger fell on the button before she could pull back on the decision she’d made. Caitlyn dropped her phone on the bed, switching off the TV and going to lay back down. There was no going back. Whatever the consequence were, she would take them on after she woke up. She had barely stopped shaking as she slid back under the covers, closing her eyes, and hoping she could dream of something better than this.