#ghost is still hecka small

[lilybug-02]

Okay, we got humans turning into bugs, but what about bugs turning into humans? Dewy has to show them how to human

Strange woodland child.

You guys keep asking me for human hollow knight characters! You know I’m not the only artist who’s drawn these silly bugs as humans >:)

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we��re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

Ghosts of the Shadow Market Review!

My first book of the Read to Roll challenge is Ghosts of the Shadow Market by Cassandra Clare, Sarah Rees Brennan, Maureen Johnson, Kelly Link, and Robin Wasserman. 

Look at Jem! I love my son!

Here we are at the pond! Fun fact: Cassandra Clare allegedly lives in the town next to mine. I kinda really hate it. 

I actually finished reading this a while ago, but I got caught up with school and the library book is due tomorrow, so I guess we’re doing this review tonight, bitches! 

First: I LOVED this book!! I have my issues with CC and it took me literally took me like 9 months to finish reading QOAAD (which I also enjoyed, I just couldn’t get through) but I FLEW through this book! I think maybe the short story format just fits my brain a bit better. I’m gonna break this down by story:

Cast Long Shadows

Matthew!! My child!! I want to hug you so much!! 

This story stood out to me as particularly hopeless, especially compared to the rest of the stories. It ended in total despair, and I understand Matthew did something VERY VERY BAD but he is a dumb child and dumb 15 year olds do a lot of dumb things so 

I really hope he gets some sort of resolution in TLH

This bitch deserves happiness 

Also he’s defo not straight?? like no straight boi is THAT into oscar wilde

i kinda ship him with thomas

Every Exquisite Thing

SOOO PURE!!!!!

WE STAN SUPPORTIVE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!

This story was like a breath of fresh air compared to the last

It doesn’t really connect to the overarching plot at ALL (every other story does, correct me if I’m wrong) but i’m okay with it because anna lightwood is incredible and deserves all of the respect 

the only bit that kinda not really relates is the talk about tessa’s demon parent? which is lowkey implied to be like... actually satan?? ahhhh????

That last bit with Cecily was just so beautiful. again. 

I TOLD YOU THE BLUE WAISTCOAT WAS THE ONE

I’m just imagining them just in bed one night and one of them was like ‘our daughter hecka gay’ ‘what should we do’ ‘well we gotta buy her a suit that actually fits her obv. she can’t keep walking around in clothes that don’t fit, also they’re gross’ ‘i actually already went to the tailor down the block and made a list of the ones i think she would look best in’ 

I know ariadne broke annas heart but also i feel really bad for her. being a brown lesbian in 2019 is hard enough. she lost her parents and she doesn’t want to lose what she has left. i hope she also gets some sort of closure in TLH. i would be content with her and charlie having a charlotte and henry thing going minus the pining and falling in love. they’re married but it’s just business and they can pursue whomever on the side

also isabelle do you realize that necklace you’re wearing was once owned by queer QUEEN anna lightwood?????

Learn About Loss

this story was a little slow, but very necessary for introducing the lost herondale plot

emilia is so fucking badass 

the last scene with will and jem was so pure and wholesome. i’m so mad that they were robbed of so much time together. 

A Deeper Love

this story was just anxiety

like obv i knew jem wasn’t going to die but the CLIMAX 

can kit pls have some heart to heart with catarina in twp! like she deserves some closure! like she can just tell him some stories and he can understand a bit more of where he comes from

jem deserves all of the hugs 

i just want to scream YOU GET MARRIED! YOU HAVE A CHILD! IT WILL HAPPEN! 

The Wicked Ones

this story was,, uh,, something

i’d say it ties with cast long shadows as the most depressing 

so basically, celine was horribly abused her entire life by the people who should have taken care of her, her trauma was exploited by another abuser so that she too became incredibly manipulative and potentially abusive, and then she killed herself (was murdered?) and her child was ripped from her corpse to be abused throughout his entire childhood as well

it was cute seeing kit’s parents! they were so cute! what happened. 

Son of the Dawn

baby alec! baby izzy! baby jace! baby baby max! 

i’m not a big jace fan, but ugh i just wanted him to get the love that every child deserves! 

i can’t believe raphael santiago was alec lightwood’s sexual awakening

“brother let him see my rack-ariah” 

lily chen deserves the whole goddamn world

jem CARVED WILL’S INITIALS INTO HIS STAFF

FULL HOMO

The Land I Lost

gotta admit that i wasn’t too hype about this one bc i’m kinda tired of all of the malec narratives, but it was cute

“JEM I’D-LOVE-TO-CLIMB-’EM-CARSTAIRS” (this has to be my favorite) 

once again i love lily chen with all my heart and she deserves all of the happiness and none of the shit that the world has given her 

also??? lily breathed, “cortana.” this girl was GAY for CORDELIA CARSTAIRS

BLESS THE COME AND STARE FAMILY

i love how this small child who hates everyone just physically attached himself to alec and would not let go 

cordelia carstairs was lily’s sexual awakening and you can’t change my mind

SLEEP LILY I’LL WATCH THE DOORS alec lightwood being the PAL lily deserves

THAT BITCH! poor matthew. he was still dumb but he was played by some bitch who couldn’t separate her person grudges and an entire race of people

i love how magnus saw this child run into his home with alec nowhere in sight and was like “guess he’s my son now” 

Through Blood, Through Fire

rosemary ;_;

that’s so fucking depressing like you abandoned your family and it bought them like 3 days max 

i think it’s a little weird that tessa now has some of kit’s mother’s memories and is adopting him but also i guess it’s kinda nice? 

both jem and tessa have actually almost died searching for you, kit, and i don’t think either regret a single thing they did to lead themselves to you

jem and tessa are in LOVE and they’re having a BABY

The Lost World

JEM AND TESSA ARE IN LOVE AND THEY’RE HAVING A BABY

ty u really did fuck up didn’t u

but he’s got a pet now so that’s nice

livvy ;_; 

i really hope they find a way to release her in twp 

i don’t think ty wants it, but things will come to a head. she’s not happy as a ghost. 

kit and ty are so fucking dumb just talk to each other!!

it’s so fitting that kit gave them the heron pendant

both in a sense of continuity and in the complexities of his feelings - on one hand it belonged to his mother, someone cared very much about him but on the other, it failed to save her

Forever Fallen

i ship kit with a family that loves him

jem just talks to him and is just internally like ‘wtf has everyone in your life done wrong’ 

jem and tessa: you are WORTHY and DESERVING of LOVE, BITCH! 

i want all of the domestic herondale-carstairs family 

i think i read the scene where jem and tessa put all of their stuff in kit’s room like 10 times it had me so shook 

“WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS HOUSE MORE PRECIOUS TO US THAN YOU” 

WE STAN SUPPORTIVE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Janus is as annoying as real jace 

lily be safe bby ily this is gonna end baaaaad 

the scene at the end where jem tells kit that where there is love there is no need for gratitude also has me shook bc we’ve been talking about this a lot in my spanish class, about how so many of us are trained to be complacent and to show gratitude for things that should be a given

Overall, I really enjoyed the book even though some parts bored me and I kinda skimmed through. I’m reading Girls of Paper and Fire now, so we’ll see when I finish that! 

[diaryofriversong]

2, 3, 11, 37 💖

2 — is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

something i really wanna do is coffee shop au!!!! it’s like the most basic fanfic trope & tbh i don’t even really read them but i’ve always wanted to write one omg. also soulmate AUs like where everything you see is black & white until you meet your soulmate or something

3 — is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

ummmmm a/b/o sjdnfsdjnfjds i would never write that omfg

11 — is writing your passion or just a fun hobby?

passion!!!! i wanna be a novelist + playwright + screenwriter omg

37 — talk about your current wips

oh god i have,,, A Lot omg my main ones are (in no particular order):

ballade no. 1 in g minor, op. 23 river/thirteen detective AU where they’re trying to catch a killer (nicknamed the Master sjdnfdj) & they don’t get along at first but then they start falling in love uwu this is a collab i’m doing with @ginoodle where i write it & she draws it ayyyy

without hope, without witness, without reward river/twelve/missy AU where everything is the same except the three of them end up in a polyamorous relationship bc they’re all in love with each other (this is one big fic but i also have a lot of small oneshots that i’m not gonna include in this answer bc they’re all river12missy)

empyrean horrors river/twelve (+ unrequited river/eleven & kind of ten/mels) AU where everyone’s human & River & Twelve move into a house that’s bigger on the inside & basically some stuff goes down sdfndjf it’s basically a House of Leaves AU

this one doesn’t have a title yet but for now i’m calling it ‘ghost whomst’ basically some timey wimey stuff happens so that there’s two Rivers, both post-Library. one of them has died & is a data ghost & the other one is still alive, & the ghost one is sent to a parallel universe but bc the Dr doesn’t see River die in Silence in the Library it messes everything up & dead!River realizes something’s wrong so with the help of the TARDIS she projects herself to everywhere the Dr should’ve met her like in the show,,,,, idk it’s sad

when i kissed the teacher twelve/simm!master AU where they’re professors @ the same school (probs Coal Hill tbh dnjfndf) & they hate each other at first but then they realize they’re hecka gay for each other

museum of starlight river/thirteen AU where Thirteen owns a bookstore (called ‘museum of starlight’) & River goes there one day & meets this mysterious woman & she keeps coming back & then they fall in love uwu

this one doesn’t have a title rip missy/thirteen AU where Twelve never met Missy so the Dr doesn’t know who she is yet & Thirteen gets a message on psychic paper & she assumes it’s River but surprise it’s actually Missy. (Missy doesn’t know who Thirteen is either at this point). so they start communicating through like letters? like through the psychic paper. & while this is happening they also end up meeting irl a bunch of times but they don’t realize that they’re who they’re communicating via psychic paper. & irl they lowkey hate each other but when they talk through the psychic paper they really like each other & then one day they arrange to “meet up” & one of them sees who the other is so they bail bc they’re freaking out bc like this is the person they’re in love with but also hate???? & they try not to tell the other but they start being nice to the other & then eventually the find out & it’s soft uwu

this one doesn’t have a title either rip river/twelve fobwatch fic!!!!!!! 

engulfed by your kiss, sheltered by your love ok so this is quite possibly the worst thing i will ever write,,,,,,,, it’s river/thirteen (probably) & it’s. a vore fic. bc one day i jokingly tweeted “50 rts & i’ll write a vorefic” bc i thought 50 was a safe number but then. it got 50 rts. so yeah i wanna die KSJDFNSKDJFNJSDNF

i also have some oneshots but i’m not gonna mention those bc there’s A Lot omfg

thank you sm omg!!!

ask me questions about my fanfics!

[ishgard]

Fictober - Day 1: “Can You Feel This”

I’m hecka behind but I’mma try to do at least?? two a day maybe to catch up. I haven’t written in ages and this is hella wonky and self-indulgent canon/oc that I haven’t really talked about much but have been mulling over for A While Now and I know it’s really outlandish but... idgaf. 

She’s avoiding him again; perhaps not a conscious decision, but one of habit. The air between them was too warm lately, too gentle and inviting, and her nature could not abide that. For years now she’s run from that softness, from the comfort of companionship that edged too close to intimacy. Every time she gave into it, after all, she was met with tragedy, and loss. Her heart’s been broken and stepped on too many times, and not always by lovers. Still, she keeps it open and kind for the world, fierce and devoted. He wonders, at times, how she hasn’t decayed from the inside and crumbled in upon herself.

Gaius watches as Ahru busies herself, anything to keep her mind and fingers preoccupied - from wandering to him. She weaves brilliantly colored threads together, a crease forming on her brow as she struggles with the delicate task. Faintly, she bites her lower lip in concentration. She hates this.

He’s aware that she can feel him watching her, but he has never been one to turn away from a challenge. His mind, however, is not on any concept of ‘winning’, or victory, so much as it is studying his would-be-quarry. The way her fingers twitch and freeze just before she makes an error, the way her shoulders slouch in weary defeat when she realizes a mistake, the glint in her eyes and the upward tug on her lips when something comes along nicely. 

Perhaps it is crass of him, but he has watched her like this many times by now, feeling as if some ancient locked door within the cavern of his chest slowly creaks wider each time.

Her mind is focused, but racing; she’s good at that, at being the calm center amidst all the chaos. Finally, though, she looses a heavy sigh and drops her knitting into her lap, looking at him. “What?” 

She’s annoyed but hurting, raging and warring some internal battle with herself. He doesn't’ take her exasperated tone personally, instead he feels his own tired muscles tug into a ghost of a smile.

Without answering he rises from his chair, crossing the room to stand before her. The false aura of aggravation crumbles away as she watches him with a furrowed brow, equal parts trepidation and curiosity. 

Leaning down he gingerly slides one hand under her forearm, down her wrist to her hand and lifting it away from her work. She tenses only a little, but allows it; her lips purse and her gaze falters, but she doesn’t look away from him - not until he’s placed her palm against the center of his chest, and her eyes move to it as if she anticipates some great puzzle she must piece together. Again, he feels a smile tug at his lips.

“Can you feel this?” It is, after all, his heart, he knows it well. It beats sure and steady, as calm and even as the rise and fall of his chest. He has never been one to fall easy prey to panic or anxiety, but there is an ease in him that he knows is foreign, and yet welcomes all the same. 

Her lips part as she looks up at him, but close once more, finding no answer. Instead she waits for him to elaborate, her lithe, small fingers trembling against his clothing.

With his other hand resting on the arm of her chair he leans down close, her ear giving a small flicker as he whispers. 

“This is peace, Ahru.” 

He feels the tension leave her, hears the almost inaudible sound of her exhale. Slowly, she slips her hand from his, leaning forward to press her face against him, wrapping her arms tight around his back. 

[winniethepoohx]

plots !

a sucky list of sucky plots, pls ignore me if u so wish <333

DRACO EREBUS

he’s into photography and flowers so there’s that??

idk what could be done w that bc he acts like he hates everything but

also someone call him out on his self-destructiveness ffs

“draco, you’re fucking depressed”

aside from that, tho, he just needs happy things tbh

bc he goin thru a lot and he still got a lot comin ( not soon but eventually ) so u kNO

TAYTUM POSSIBLE

superhero things !!

cheerleader buddies !!

she designs clothes so?? design buddies?? someone mODEL for her??

she just needs friends tbh pretty pls

WESLEY FENTON

he likes art so that’s a thing

i forever want bullies for him bc i haven’t rly had that dynamic yet and it is Still A Want ngl

“west, you’re gay”  “west, you’re gay for one of your best friends”

listen i need that lowkey angsty threads where the drugs otulissa is giving him actually take Full Affect and he turns into a ghost and just can’t turn back and cue panicking (f u otulissa)

or better yet - he starts turning to ectoplasm (??) like how dani does when she’s a ghost and tHEN cue panicking and cue him realising (finally) that something’s wrong (f u otulissa pt2)

either way gimme angsty threads bc when will this boy catch a break

HADLEY LONG

cheerleader buddies !!

i need more dragon hattie so there’s tHAT

she just needs friends pretty pls pt2

CERIDWEN BLACKWELL

her magic is rly harmful to her so there’s that idk??

rly she just deserves the world and all thigns good tho sO

AIKO HAMADA

listen i need a robot fight thread ok

i always forget she’s a superhero too so there’s that too??

“aiko, you’re gay”

PRIMROSE LEE

someone give me an excuse to show off her powers pls

lowkey i want her to get her heart broken bc it would kill her self-confidence and idk that might be a fun time (not for her tho lmao)

LONDON LUNAR

i also need to show off her powers tbh

lowkey want her to get bullied bc ............... Angst

give me someone who makes a wish on a star/balloon and london hears it via her powers and tries to help them pls (bonus points if it ends horribly woot)

EIRA WYNTERS

she needs friends pls

dance team buddies ??

BEAP MEAP

someone tell him that he’s in love w/ jj bc he knows but he hasn’t Admitted It yet

cheerleading buddies and just more friends in general pls

i also wanna do something w/ the fact that meap is a secret agent i just don’t know what yet tbh sO UH

BERNADETTE BERNARD

i wanna do more w/ her helping isle kids so there’s that

i feel like she gets a lot of bad publicity as a royal bc older people in the media are still kinda “wtf is she doing” so there’s that too idk

she just gets a lot of publicity in general so there’s tHAT TOO

she’s gonna burn herself out real soon ok it’s gonna happen someone make her take a damn bREAK

LAVINA MORTE

she needs more friends first of all pls

someone let her try to bake for them !!

i always forget she’s in into the woods so hmu

she’s also weak af bc she’s a vampire but she doesn’t drink blood so that’s a tHING

lowkey want someone to accuse her of being a bloodsucker/murderer bc she would get so upset whoops

OTULISSA SHOWENHOWER

listen. if u got charas that u need to fuck up, she’s ur gal tbh

charas w insecurities?? magical or not?? yep

also she’s not allowed to have friends and i want someone to kill her bye

BONNIE UTONIUM

superhero things pls

she just needs friends tbh

ARTIS MUIR

someone call her out on still being in love w/ kohl ok

i need more magical artis pls

idk what we could do w that but

magical friends pls??

she lives in a cottage in the forest so tHAT’S A THING

if you come across it, she’ll ask to use you as a guinea pig for her magic/for opinions on a potion or spell or smth or she’ll just tell you abt her teddy bears sO THAT’S A THING TOO

NO-FACE TOO

listen i want her to (or at least try to) eat someone’s feelings ok

also someone pls tell her that she has/can have feelings bc she’s so convince that she cAN’T

also if she realises that she has feelings, she’ll try to ensure that she Doesn’t, so ............... gimme a Bad Influence for tootoo lowkey :eyes:

AMERYKAH ROGERS

she has such low self-esteem (esp when it comes to being an avenger) so gimme smth w tHAT

or you could try and convince her that she would be a great avenger u kno either work

on that note - gimme superhero tings omg

tbh she just needs friends pls

or enemies that would be fun too

frenemies ayyy

what if someone brought up the fact that she was adopted tho she woudl get so sAD but pretend to be mad but rly be sAD

AIRLEA TESIA

tbh i need her to do more aphrodite-esque things sO

kinda-sorta-not rly matchmaker airlea??

she won’t be any good at matchmaking bc she’s too absorbed w herself but u kno

someone try to matchmake hER ome call her out on how gay she is bc she lowkey gay for euphie lbr

she’d be so in denial lmao

MINNIE MALLOW

she deserves happiness she just needs friends bye

her almost melting tho pls

MEREDITH PURCELLE

she wants to be everybody’s fairy godfriend sO

like pls someone be her cinderella

on that note tho - someone should take hardcore advantage of her?? use her for her magic, trick her into doing immoral things for them yikes

i kind of want her to get her heart broken too whoops

also she is?? wearing herself out so fast, she feels like she helps everybody but she can’t go to anybody for help bc she’s supposed to be the fairy godfriend and not the other way around so tHAT’S A THING

AMBER MCLAIN

she is literally Auradon’s Official Kpop Idol ok

so like?? she’s highkey famous so fANS COULD BE A THING MAYBE??

she would defs mentor someone in music tho omg

she can cast spells w her guitar so. u need a love spell?? heckie yeah. u need hypnosis?? hECKIE YEAH.

VENICE ARCHER

"venice, you’re gay”

she lowkey wants revenge on corona so that’s :eyes: a thing

science pals!! inventor pals!!

SERAPHINA MOREAU

ballet/dance team pals!!

give me rival ballerinas pls like. always competing to be the best?? yes!!

lowkey she gets injured rly easily so i feel like she always has some sort of injury even if it’s small af so like. someone call her out on this pls

her identity is literally ballet so someone get her to do smth else pretty pls

KENNETH GUCCI

listen. gimme someone who comes to his hotdog cart on occasion and he has a lil lowkey crush on them bc i need pureness in my life

doesn’t even have to be requited ok it’d just be cute

also he lowkey feels inadequate compared to all of the royals bc he is?? no one special rly, he’s not too important, he’s just wealthy and just kinda There sO that insecurity is a thing

LUCINDA TASI

someone pls gimme the child of max who dreamt her up pls

someone help her control her powers pls she’s so afraid of them

or what if she hurt someone w/ her powers bc aNGST

also she’s gay but she doesn’t know it yet sO there’s that

ORALEE FITZHERBERT

she just needs friends pls

she wants to adventure so adventure pals omg

she love to art so art pals tOO

she’s also the sundrop flower now - i.e. her hair acts as rapunzel’s did before it was cut, so!! gimme someone pulling a lowkey mother gothel and taking advantage of her hair pls

GALATIA MARMOREAL

she is smol and needs love (friends)

she is smol and could easily be bullied or taken advantage of (angst)

she loves tea parties so pls someone have tea parties w/ her

DESERAE TREMAINE

she wants wealth so catch her trynna kiss up to a prince tbh??

but also she acts like she’s Classy(tm) lmao

curl up and dye was a thing on the isle so!!

she can do people’s hair?? overprice them for a haircut?? hairdye??

someone sneak into fancy events w/ her pls n thnx she does it All The Time

or catch her sneaking into a fancy event and threaten to get her in trouble or smth woot

MOLLY CORVILLE

gimme a bad influence tho get her into trouble

cheerleader friends!!

she just needs friends pretty pls pt3435793823489294

LETHE HADDOCK

someone insult ryuu i dare u

she’s good w/ dragons so?? if that fits w/ any of ur charas, we can go wild fam

dragon racing?? yes

she’s also a viking and very much astrid’s daughter so, uh, enemies?? frenemies?? heckie yeah!!

DOVE PINES

mystery child wants to solve supernatural mysteries

wants to be friends w/ all the supernatural creatures pls

gimme adventures heckie yeah

also she keep sjournals so?? that’s a thing - if someone found them they would have hecka info on supernatural creatures sO there’s that idk

pls stop her from getting herself killed @ the kill swamp

let her make a sweater for u bc she does that too ok

MINGXIA ZHANG

gimme meditation pals!!

dueling buddies!!

DELTA BABCOCK

someone help her help ghosts pls she gets so overwhelmed

someone could accuse her of being crazy lowkey she’d get so sad

also she needs friends so that’s a thing too woot

CHAO CIPHER

she’s a cipher we coudl lit do anything tbh

you want ur chara fucked up?? chao is ur gal for lit anything tbh

like. make a deal w/ her, fam. she’ll fulfill it but absolutely fuck u up in some way once she’s done

i lowkey want her to posess someone but idk who or how that would work out but it’s a tHING so yE IDK

POCKY VON SCHWEETZ

she’s rly famous on youtube so she might have fANS??

someone accuse her of being a bad racer bc she’s a girl or a beauty guru or smth and a street race ensues bc pls

[sugabeans]

wanted to do the other unusual asks questions bc i had time 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

is your room messy or clean?

what color are your eyes?

light brown

do you like your name? why?

what is your relationship status?

single single forever 

describe your personality in 3 words or less

quiet, loud, happy 

what color hair do you have?

dark brown 

what kind of car do you drive? color?

it’s my parents.. a silver corolla 

where do you shop?

anywhere where there is a sale! 

i always shop on aliexpress lol 

for clothing, a lot of my clothes comes from walmart, garage, dynamite, f21, bluenotes, h&m, (all from the sale section hehe) 

how would you describe your style?

skinny jeans when it’s cool outside, flowy shorts when it’s warm 

both plus a tshirt 

and sneakers or boots as footwear bc i hate feet with no socks 

favorite social media account

what size bed do you have?

queen size!

any siblings?

1 sister 

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

japan 

why? because it seems like a nice place to be ;u; 

favorite snapchat filter?

i like the standard flower crown one - the one that lightens your face and adds a crown, and does nothing more 

favorite makeup brand(s)

idk i don’t wear makeup 

how many times a week do you shower?

once every day so 7 times? 

favourite tv show?

haikyuu 

shoe size?

generally an 8 

how tall are you?

sandals or sneakers?

SNEAKERS ALWAYS HO MAN 

do you go to the gym?

describe your dream date

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

a lot.. i’m not going to count but it’s def over $100 in cash 

what color socks are you wearing?

i’m actually not wearing socks rn bc i showered recently 

but it’s always plain black 

how many pillows do you sleep with?

do you have a job? what do you do?

i’m currently a research assistant and we’re doing things with phonetics and the perception of sounds and such - though i won’t have this job in september bc it’s a summer job 

how many friends do you have?

idk what are friends 

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

cheated on a test? 

flicked a booger into my classmates hair (when i was 8) 

scribbed marker on mommy’s white couch? 

sacked a boy in grade 6 by whacking his balls with a broom?

turned down a boy and RAN AWAY many times 

whats your favourite candle scent?

i don’t like scents but something fruity like strawberry or cherry?

3 favourite boy names

kevin haha

idk any others that i really like? i mean, if i hear a nice name i’ll probs be like “ah that’s a pretty name” but i can’t think of any off the top of my head that i particularly like 

3 favourite girl names

can’t really answer their either 

favourite actor?

don’t have one 

favourite actress?

also don’t have one 

who is your celebrity crush?

kevin woo 

favourite movie?

i still really like mulan 

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i do not read a lot and my fave series is dengeki daisy 

money or brains?

brains 

brains will bring you the moneys 

do you have a nickname? what is it?

karinabeans is my self-proclaimed nickname lol 

gabby calls me rainbow 

how many times have you been to the hospital?

never 

i just go to the doctor or walk-in clinic

top 10 favourite songs

don’t make me do this LOL 

do you take any medications daily?

no 

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

combination

my eyes and lips and around both areas + forehead are dry af

but under my lips and near my nose are SO OILY CRIES 

what is your biggest fear?

how many kids do you want?

2 

but i also don’t want kids 

whats your go to hair style?

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

i think it’s a decent size - probably bigger than most people 

who is your role model?

what was the last compliment you received?

can’t remember honestly 

what was the last text you sent?

it was to my student’s mom saying i stopped by but no one was home so i left 

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

can’t remember but i stopped believing pretty late 

daddy showed me this website that showed you where santa was currently and i 100% believed it was real 

what is your dream car?

one that drives 

tbh i want one of those little ones lol the environment friendly ones 

bc it’s just gonna be me driving it 

bc i’m going to die alone 

opinion on smoking?

I HATE 

it’s disgusting 

if you smoke, i’ll like you less as a person 

if i smell it on you - then i have a bad opinion of you 

do you go to college?

no i go to university

i’m in my 4th year  

what is your dream job?

i want to be a speech language pathologist 

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

suburbs 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

yes, who doesn’t? 

i reuse the containers 

do you have freckles?

no 

do you smile for pictures?

always 

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

a hecka lot 

have you ever peed in the woods?

maybe i have? i’ve been camping a number of times and maybe i did?

do you still watch cartoons?

hell yeah teen titans is life 

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

mcdonalds 

Favorite dipping sauce?

sweet and sour boi 

what do you wear to bed?

a loose tshirt and shorts 

or if it’s cold out, sweatpants and a sweater 

have you ever won a spelling bee?

no pfft i can’t spell for shit 

what are your hobbies?

can you draw?

no but i wish i could 

do you play an instrument?

no but i used to play piano and flute 

and violin and guitar but i wasn’t very good at those 

what was the last concert you saw?

troye sivan? 

tea or coffee?

tea 

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

lol neither i’m not american 

tim hortons for life 

do you want to get married?

yes but no 

i like the idea of marriage and living with someone i love for the rest of my life 

but like, getting married requires someone to be married to 

and it also requires you to spend a lot of money to get married (if you have a ceremony and shit) 

too much work 

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

DR 

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

no i’m keeping my last name forever

it will live and die with me bc i don’t often see my last name anywhere

what color looks best on you?

red, like most people 

do you miss anyone right now?

yeah i miss my crush lol 

it’s silly but i want to see him 

i’m sure he doesn’t care to see me though 

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed 

do you believe in ghosts?

yes

what is your biggest pet peeve?

last person you called`

again my tutor’s mother LOL 

favourite ice cream flavor?

red bean or some typa chocolate rocky road or idk but chocolate definitely 

regular oreos or golden oreos?

regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

chocolate 

what shirt are you wearing?

a univeristy of toronto tshirt i won in my first year 

what is your phone background?

suga smiling ^^ 

are you outgoing or shy?

very shy 

do you like it when people play with your hair?

I LOVE IT 

but no one plays with my hair

it’s so sad 

do you like your neighbors?

i guess? there are some who are too loud though and smoke and ugh 

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

i wash it in the shower at night

have you ever been high?

no 

have you ever been drunk?

i don’t think so 

last thing you ate?

i drank tea 

that’s not food lol uh i ate snow pea leaves 

favourite lyrics right now

can’t think of one 

summer or winter?

winter bc cold 

day or night?

day! look at the sunshine~

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

i like dark, i also like milk, i dislike white 

favourite month?

december! 

what is your zodiac sign

cancer

who was the last person you cried in front of?

i only cry by myself