#getting hooked on the temporary anonymity but also coming to terms that he actually likes the guy

[xfindingtrouble]

a kiss shared at a masquerade ball. + Percy (he l l o; feel free to disregard! I just. Ahem.)

percy had anticipated that this would be a long night. excruciating, even. it was true, he could enjoy a good party from time to time, but not when he was supposed to be hosting it. now that vox machina had so little to do as a team, they had broken off to deal with their own individual loose ends. percy had responsibilities to fulfill, allies to make, hands to shake. it was all very exhausting. it gave him a new understanding for what his sister had accomplished on her own, when he was off adventuring & laying out new legends. it left people curious & if whitestone were to thrive, people would have to see it. experience what made it special.

perhaps this is why he had suggested a masquerade ball, of all things. it was a careful process, of planning the party. they could not keep whitestone's halls closed away forever & yet they could not forget the past. there were ghosts in these halls, after all. so with a carefully picked security detail, percival had melted into a role of anonymity for the evening. cassandra had addressed their guests at the beginning of the night, they had discussed it beforehand after much negotiation. percy would be doing extra paperwork for the next several weeks & one night of social anonymity was worth it.

the evening was spent flitting in & out of conversations, never lingering too long to be recognized. it was easy to remain a shadow, dressed in a lightweight black overcoat. It was simple, understated, designed for elegance & subtlety. it alluded to his normal style, but a bit finer, aesthetic prioritized over functionality. he wore a mask was not unlike the one he wore in his workshop, fashioned after the raven skull he wore at his neck. there were a handful of people who caught onto his identity, those of which percy avoided blatantly.

he was more interested in wine than most of the guests. most, being the keyword. There was a man, ethereal in every sense of the word. Despite his height, his presence demanded percy's attention. percy couldn't help but think he floated, the light fabric of his costume gliding behind him with every step. Intricately styled silver hair was impressive, lovely. Percy wonders briefly if he would be able to see the stranger against the snow if they went outside. Of course, Percy had to talk to him. he'd never forgive himself if he didn't.

so with sweaty palms & an already drying throat, percy asked him to dance. at first percy had tried to play at being coy, though it was easy to see through him. when percy dropped the act, he found his companion made a fine dance partner & made even finer conversation. even when they escaped the dance floor, percy found himself huddling in the shadows, people-watching with the stranger. it seemed they both delighted in poking fun at the people who took these things too seriously.

by the middle of the night, percy's ribs ached from laughing at puffy pants & poorly made wigs. lingering in the corner of the room, percy continued to drink & make merry with his new cohort. the last thing he had expected was to have fun tonight & for that he was relentlessly thankful. he had to hunch down to whisper quips in the other's ear & lend his own for any passing observation. it was easy to get washed away in this unexpected delight, in the undeniable draw he felt towards his companion. the semi-anonymous chemistry exchanged between two unknowns was addictive. there was so much to learn, to observe... it was better than the wine, that's for sure.

The stranger tells a particularly hilarious joke & percy laughs, leaning into the joke & pressing into his personal space. There is so little room between them, they had spent the evening on one another's arms. so percy takes him by the chin, gently... it's a chance to pull back, an opportunity for rejection. Percy had felt drawn to the other all evening, like the right look from him may make percy melt. it was thrilling. he thinks this is right, he wants this to be right so after a few moments, he steals a kiss. it's gentle, gentler than he is by nature... & perhaps a bit clumsy. he was not always smooth in these sorts of situations, but he was nothing if not bold

" I'm half-convinced you're a ghost, sent to haunt me all evening. You hardly seem real, " He admits with an honest to gods grin. There is a nervous energy to his next words, " good dance partners are so hard to come by, after all. "

[gapimnydiaries]

Diary Entry #17

Dear Diary,

I have a story to tell you –

“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” I asked him.

He thought about it for a while and responded.

“Um, I want to have a house, and I want to have a job. On the weekends I want to go to the movies, and I want to have a group of friends to go with.”

“That sounds pretty good! How can you get there?”

Another pause.

“Well, I have to quit meth…”

It was a warm, sunny afternoon. I sat across from a friend on a balcony looking down on a calm street. We got into a conversation about his struggles with methamphetamine addiction, and I wanted to understand where he was coming from. I thought it would be a good idea to talk first about his aspirations rather than the gritty details of how he became addicted. I was shocked by how simple and “normal” his dreams were for the future. I had always taken shelter, school and friends for granted, but my friend didn’t have those things. He grew up in an impoverished neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York where drugs and violence were rampant. He joined the military, which was his ticket out of that environment. He finished his service only to fall back into a life of drugs and destitution. All of these complicated social issues were also intertwined with his sexuality. In our conversation, he told me he just wanted to be normal – a place to live, a job and friends. What was noticeably missing in his vision was a family.

◆◆◆

I recently read an article in the Huffington Post called “The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness” by Michael Hobbes that I thought captured very well some of the psychological problems that plague the modern gay man, and it has become one of my most referenced articles. One concept that stood out to me was minority stress that describes the constant psychological strain associated with being a stigmatized minority. In the case of being a minority in sexuality, relatively minor stresses dealing with perceived or actual social rejection and prejudice accumulate over time and lead to prolonged psychological trauma. It also talked about the sadness of not being able to have a traditional family. That was definitely an "aha!" moment for me because up to that point, I had not realized that a significant portion of my own depression could be attributed to my sexuality.

In junior year of college, I was going to a weekend retreat with the board of one of my college organizations. It was one of those bonding opportunities that gets the board closer to each other so we can work better together. The retreat would start with talks of organizational agenda setting and annual planning and eventually progress into secret sharing after a few rounds of drinks. When everyone was having a good time playing “Fuck, Marry, Kill”, I had already retreated into the corner anxiously like I always did in similar situations. I had to mentally prepare all kinds of reasons why I didn’t have an extensive dating history by college and came up with stories of attractions to various imaginary people. I would be mentally exhausted by the end of the night trying my hardest to provide unsatisfactory answers. To everyone else, it made me seem secretive and unwilling to share, defeating the point of a bonding night. It took me a while to process how those experiences shaped my interactions with others and my own psyche. I now realized how much my sexuality contributed to my social anxiety and unwillingness to get emotionally close to others. I felt like I had something to hide and was afraid I would be “discovered”. It was difficult to develop the kind of close friendship I saw in others because I couldn’t let my guards down.

I am much more comfortable with my sexuality today, but unfortunately the stress persists. When I visited relatives in China this past summer, I had an earful of questions about why I didn’t get a girlfriend in medical school or when I would get one. My family members were making all kinds of commitments to attend my wedding, including my 80 year old grandmother. When this came up, and it did a lot, I simply smiled and nodded. To them, I was an exemplar child -- well educated and professionally accomplished. To me, I just felt like a fraud – I likely would never be able to deliver the kind of “normal” marriage and family they expected. I was going to be a disappointment to people who loved me the most. I believe that the closer one is to family, the worse the feeling. It only took me half a week before I couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to take the next flight back to the U.S….

◆◆◆

When I asked my friend why he kept using meth despite all its negative consequences on his life, he said he felt powerful and sexy with it. It’s boring to meet guys without it because he didn’t feel attractive and confident. He had been struggling with depression and loneliness, and taking drugs was his way to have a moment of feeling like normal, no matter how temporary. He actively looked for people who party and play (hook up while on drugs) on Grindr. He just wanted to feel good about himself, and drugs were his gateway to that feeling. I nodded with an implicit understanding – I knew that feeling too well.

Perhaps you have read my last year’s diary entry on my entrance into the gay world, and it wasn’t full of rainbows and unicorns, so to speak. When I first came into contact with the gay world, a series of painful rejections quickly crushed my naive idealism and simple desires for acceptance. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, and what came with it was depression and a sense of self-hatred. There must’ve been something wrong with me if none of the pretty profiles on dating apps wanted me, right? In Hobbes’ article, he describes a process of being “re-traumatized” as one enters the gay world, a community where we are waiting to be accepted for who we are, only to be ruthlessly rejected for our ethnicity, appearance, income or demeanor. A quote that stood out to me was that “every gay man I know carries around a mental portfolio of all the shitty things other gay men have said and done to him.” In an age of anonymous, headless profiles on dating apps, it’s easy to forget all social etiquette, and we end up with a collective toxic culture that makes everyone miserable.

I have been ghosted or blocked on datings apps more times than I can keep track in the past years, but I do remember a few notable ones. One time I talked to a guy for several weeks and made plans to get boba. I was blocked right after finally sending him a picture. Another time I went rock climbing with a guy and never received a reply to my text after. There was a time that I traveled all the way from Boston to Hartford for a second meeting with a guy who said “you are a great person with a great personality and career, but not exactly my type physically.” Over the years I have struggled with deleting the apps but only to go back on a few days later. I think using dating apps is like gambling. We are on it to hit whatever jackpot that we imagine for ourselves, whether it’s the perfect boyfriend or the hot-boy-next-door hookup. But just like the casino, the player never wins. We end up creating an environment where guys with the best profile pictures get all the attention and can therefore pick and choose and leave the rest of us miserable and desperate from the trail of rejections.

The rejections, especially in the form of ignoring, ghosting and blocking, left me confused and depressed. At times it seemed like I was bracing myself for the eventual rejection in all my interaction with guys. I was defensive and quick to jump to conclusions whenever there was even a lag in response. Many of my friends have told me that I just needed more confidence, but it was very hard to find confidence when I had just received so many rejections. It was especially bad when this was compounded by being Asian and getting racist responses from apps. A friend once commented to me, when you have low self-esteem, you become desperate. And when you are desperate, you do the most irrational things. People engage in risky hook ups and drugs in an attempt to fill this painful void, but it’s like scratching an itch; they offer ephemeral relief but only to make the problem worse long term.

◆◆◆

“Sometimes, I only eat a little bit of my food, like a quarter of a sandwich, and it would make me feel really fat, so I just threw the rest into the toilet.”

A while into the conversation, my friend admitted that he had been struggling with bulimia. Even though he had a normal Body Mass Index, which is how weight is measured to determine if someone is in a healthy range, he had an altered view of his body and believed he was overweight. He mentioned to me how there are so many fit and muscular guys and Grindr, and it made him feel unattractive.

A few years ago, I met up with a guy in Downtown LA. I was surprised that he even responded to me because he had what looked like a modeling picture on his Jack’d profile with the most amazing tan and ripped muscles. Fortunately for my anxiety, he looked a lot more normal in person, and we had a discussion about what he believed to be an inevitable progression for many guys in gay life. He said that when someone first enters the gay world, the person has this vision of finding and settling down with a normal looking, nice guy. Then he gets into the partying culture and starts to work out and look better. All of a sudden the nice guys are not fun and attractive enough. At the time, I was quite surprised and told myself “no, that’s not going to be me, I will always want the nice guy”.

In my exploration of the gay world, I have discovered more and more a whole lifestyle centered on partying. I started in West Hollywood and made my way around some of the gay centers in the country like the Castro and Hell’s Kitchen. I have been to clubs in LA, NYC, San Francisco, Boston, Miami, San Diego and even some international spots like Valparaíso, Mexico City and Bangkok. I started learning about the various colors of circuit parties in the U.S., Europe and Asia. Interestingly, the attendants are typically young professionals who can afford the ticket and travel expenses to attend these parties, and I have gotten a glimpse of the scale of the drug culture in these events.

I went to Songkran in Thailand during April, and I think I finally understood what that guy meant with the progression of gay life. What I saw were professionally successful gaysians with model-like bodies from around the world descend upon the city overnight, filling up all the hotels in the well-known Silom district and meandering around in the busy streets of Bangkok. I was told by an acquaintance that the parties served as body building check-points for these guys who planned their travels around Songkran in April, White Party in May and EDC in June, etc. and that the most muscular guys are the ones who are perhaps most insecure about their bodies. Perhaps these guys are the ones who have “succeeded” to reach the body image zenith that gay guys strive for and are now enjoying the partying life, but then what?

We live in the era of social media and are under the constant bombardment of impossibly muscular guys from around the world who fill up our Instagram feed. These guys put Adam West’s Batman and George Reeve’s Superman to shame. The western standard of beauty for men has changed over the years to “more muscle and less body fat the better”, and the world is catching up. It takes an incredible amount of training and dieting, as well as good genetics, to reach that level. Most of us with normal lives busy with school and work will find it hard to pursue that lifestyle, but our Instagram and Facebook give the illusion that it’s ubiquitous and anything less is unattractive. We could blame professional makeup and Photoshop for the guys in magazines, but Instagram is real people! We forget that people take painstaking effort to curate their social media profiles by picking one out of hundreds of pictures with the best lighting, angle and shading. We are now all looking for someone who looks like that and feel bad that people don’t like us for not looking that way.

That day, I tried to offer as many words of encouragement and comfort to my friend as he shared his struggles with mental health, substance abuse and body image. I tried to tell him that it’s possible to be gay and to have a normal and perhaps even “successful” life. I wished to give him more hope for the future so he could heal from his past traumas and end his drug addition. But deep down, I don’t feel so different from him. I struggle with my own insecurities and psychological void. I have a hard time defining my own vision of “success” in life in the context of the gay world. Just like my friend, I need to figure out where my own path leads to and define a vision that is worth striving for.

I would like to suggest that one way to counter the toxic culture in the gay community is to create supportive, friendly and less-sexualized spaces both in person and online. I admire the work done by organizations such as GAPIMNY in NYC and AQUA in DC that offer in-person communities and safe spaces for gaysians to explore their identities and connect with others in a more meaningful way. However, not everyone lives in a big city with a large enough gaysian population, so online communities become extremely important. I want to put in a pitch for G3S where we offer an opportunity to discuss gaysian related issues and offer a supportive online space for those who might not have any organizations locally. We also have a mentorship program that connects people in a more personal setting where someone new to the gay world can be paired up with a mentor who have more experiences with coming to terms with their identities. Additionally, we are working to expand our model to more in-person groups by developing local chapters in cities like LA, SF and Toronto in an effort to create a more affirming gaysian culture.

I think we all have an individual responsibility to improve our collective culture. For me, I think it’s about treating myself and others well and with respect. I want to keep a realistic perspective of how many of the above mentioned issues affect me personally and take myself out of a loop of negative thoughts. I want to have goals for myself, whether it’s body image or professionally, but I want to keep them realistic and measured against my own growth. I am also making an effort to treat my online interactions with the same courtesy I would with my in-person interactions. I do my best to clearly communicate my intentions and only make promises I can keep. I think my life would improve significantly if I surround myself with kind and supportive people who are invested in my success. I want to thank all my friends in G3S and GAPIMNY who have supported me and encouraged me to write this follow up entry!

Fish

[jently22]

My Hook Up Chat Mate Wants To See Me In Person

“After having a good conversation with an anonymous online dating mate, how would I act if ever he wants to see me in person?”

It’s been three months since you keep on talking with this anonymous guy you met on online dating site. Finally, he wanted to meet you in person and you are extensively nervous because you don’t want to commit mistakes in this meet up or date. That’s the reason why I am here to give you some concrete advice on how you should act during your date with this guy.

A date shouldn’t be deemed as easy, uncomplicated, or undemanding. It is because I see it as one of the most difficult parts of a normal person’s life. To be more specific, dating is the time where you would choose the most decent guy out of pool of suitors or admirers. It is also the part of people’s life where confusion would also grows – you’re doubtful whether this man is showing his true feelings and personality. You became more aware because growing older, you already knew that you cannot trust a complete stranger in the first place. We don’t know! He might ditch you or add you on his list of temporary woman or hook up mates. That’s the main reason why you should be more careful in choosing a guy to date.

Relationship disinterest is considered one of the most challenging problems that a couple should face in a romantic relationship. Actually, there are a lot of reasons why other people become numb on love. As I’ve mentioned on my past article, there are valuable factor that a person should look into before judging a person’s personality most especially if you just met the person. Never ever jump into conclusions because it might only trigger the person to lose interest in you and thus, you might somehow lose a potential date.

So, how would you look into those valuable factors of an individual? To know more, I created an ideal guide that would definitely help you. Check this one!

1. Bear in mind that there are no perfect romantic dates. Don’t be too anxious.

               One should know that treachery or betrayal can profoundly change how somebody feels about their lover. Finding that your partner has concealed something from you, undermined you, or acted such that is conflicting with who you thought they were the ones who harm the romance.

2. You should maintain to have a good conversation with him.

               This is one of the evident reasons. In a healthy romance, couples talk to each other. They discussed about the issues and problems that they both are in and they also come up with solutions on how to solve these problems.

3. You both think that you are only together because you “NEED” or “WANT” each other not “LOVE”

               This person feels that his/her partner did not see him/her. His/her pair does not mind him and not giving him the attention that he wants. Probably his/her partner has something important to do like taking care of their children, cooking meals for the family, doing laundry, and so on. Other people cannot really see the reason why their pair is behaving like this.

4. The unreached wants or desires.

Even if you’re in a long term romance, love should be ‘two-way’.  It is not right if you’re the only one who gives effort and time, your partner should also do the same. If you frequently observe this in your romance, there’s a possibility that your partner fell out of love.

5. There are substantial factors that led him to lose interest in you.

               We cannot deny the fact that things could get heavier and hotter for the both of you. It is one of your unfortunate times that he/she is not interested in you anymore.  This can be detected when he/she tends to shift his/her attention to other matter rather than asking how your day went. In addition, he/she is not paying attention to what subject or matter you are sharing with him/her. If you’re dating a plus size woman, you should check this astounding article before meeting her in person. https://spacecoastdaily.com/2021/04/online-dating-as-a-plus-size-women-things-you-need-to-know/

[martin9395]

Medicine Treatment Center - Well-Balanced Everyday Life

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 The inpatient as effectively outpatient companies are offered to the hooked. In inpatient treatment, the hooked remains in the rehab facility throughout of the recuperation plan, whereas outpatient solutions enable the individual to dwell in the house. Area solutions are used by many drug treatment centers, along with community conferences and curricula aimed toward recovery. Obsession to a vast array important, including codeine, opium, alcohol, methamphetamine, idol, cocaine, and painkiller, are actually dealt with in these treatment centers. Treatment centers are experienced at aiding addicts recoup coming from all kinds of addiction federal insurance medical detox.

 The medicine procedure facility gives after treatment systems, rehabilitation plannings, family members plans, spiritual help, and learning programs for addicts as well as their family members. The after care companies offered due to the drug procedure center can be very successful in stopping regression. Constant counseling and workout may aid the addict go back to a regular routine life without dependency. The hooked could be fully remedied if the rehabilitation therapy is complied with vigorously. Procedure can offer the hooked the key to a healthy and balanced life medical detox.

 Lasting Drug Treatment Programs - Get Out of the Cycle and also Back to Your Self

 Medicine dependency is actually a serious trouble. The medical area now watches obsession as an illness or health problem because it possesses each psychological and also bodily impacts on the abuser. Internal cleansing and rehabilitation are usually important procedures for treating the complication, though it depends on the nature of the misuse. If the issue is serious, lengthy phrase medication procedure is actually commonly needed to assist a person recuperate and stay drug free of cost federal insurance.

 Lasting plans could be extremely handy to someone that can not quit on their very own and may recast to both a non commercial environment along with an outpatient ongoing setting that gives counseling and support. They are actually extensive programs that consist of a number of aspects. At a rehab facility, each course is actually individualized to comply with the demands of the specific addict and also consist of each group therapy as well as private appointments with team. There are actually additionally folks that have been successful in overcoming their drug trouble through going to anesthetics anonymous appointments as well as routinely attending to not slide back in to old patterns of misuse medical detox.

 Private psychotherapy is likewise in charge of some folks managing to continue to be regular in keeping drug totally free. Some say that long-term medication treatment outpatient treatment is actually the base of any successful course. The recuperating addict gets a wide array of testing as well as clinical attention. Substance abuse creates a considerable amount of damage to the physical body as well as normal checks are essential to make sure that significant concerns are actually captured, addressed, and observed as quickly as possible. Hospital systems likewise consist of any sort of medications that might be actually required as well as monitoring their amounts and make use of federal insurance.

 During the course of therapy or team treatment, the recovering addict finds out to recognize and handle with the triggers that induce the substance abuse. She or he additionally discovers just how to make lifestyle improvements to make sure that relapses are much less tempting. A lot of treatment or guidance likewise makes an emphasis on sessions that feature loved one in order that every person influenced possesses the chance to find out exactly how to heal coming from the psychological harm resulted in through their liked one's dependency.

 Narcotics Anonymous conferences, along with lots of area sponsored support system conferences, can easily end up being a frequent routine in one's life. In these appointments, recovering hookeds know what to anticipate and also just how to handle factors coming from other recuperating addicts who have been actually in the very same location. Supporters are there to supply support, encouragement, and also to assist avoid a relapse. There are various environments available to acquire a clean slate and also dropped the aged designs Los Angeles.

 Treatment Programs at Drug Treatment Centers

 Drug substance addiction is among the major issues and also persistent ache health condition that individuals are dealing with around the world. There are actually countless individuals that acquire addicted to it annually as well as manies thousand of them perish since they are actually certainly not capable to get appropriate medication therapy in their particular state. People who are actually addicted to any kind of form of medications constantly discover themselves undone in their specialist and also individual lifestyle. One of the unsweetened facts concerning the medication addiction is actually that people are certainly not limited to road medicines and also changing towards the prescribed medicines. Initially of dependency they just take prescribed medications in purchase to receive instant alleviation coming from their pain and stress. In starting this medications functions as a power enhancer yet the frequent as well as normal use this medicines produces them hookeds. Within this short article, listed here are actually some significant and also interesting realities regarding the medicine dependence as well as procedure facility which will absolutely help you in finding an efficient one depending on to your necessities federal insurance medical detox Los Angeles.

 Other than these, medicine substance addiction is actually certainly not restricted to the grownups and more mature people but additionally to the adolescents and also more youthful creations. This has actually been actually validated in the current survey which is conducted through a reputed medication treatment center that varieties of patient that registered in the facilities for rehab are primarily individuals of below twenty to twenty-five years as compared to the adults or more mature grow older people. Commonly, it has actually been actually noticed that there are bunches of folks leave the centers in between the rehab systems due to the fact that they are not delighted with the environment or facilities delivered due to the centers. Therefore, it comes to be required for the addicts in addition to their relative to discover a necessary treatment and obtain all of them enrolled. Prior to, accepting all of them any kind of rehab courses don't fail to remember to check out the recognition factor or even effectiveness cost of that facility. Retention variable may be defined as the variety of folks enrolled for the medicine procedure to the varieties of individuals accomplished that therapy plans federal insurance medical detox Los Angeles.

 Many of the medicine and liquor procedure center provides internal cleansing as the 1st and also key setting of handling patient. In this particular one full week treatment programs, toxins fragments are taken out from the body system of a hooked with help from several medicines. During this procedure courses, client shows various drawback signs which should be actually dealt with properly or else there is always a higher opportunities of relapses. Once the patient is actually cleansed these therapy focuses with help from qualified deals numerous therapy systems such inpatient therapy systems, hospital therapy systems and short remain procedure programs. Relying on the attributes of obsession they help in deciding on rehab courses as well they adapted these programs depending on to the necessities of the patient. If an abuser is struggling with serious obsession then they provide inpatient medication therapy plans where they must keep in the residential environment to get appropriate procedure night and day under the eye of medical supervisors. As well as hospital treatment systems agree with for those who possess moderate enhancement or looked at the lengthy method of therapy plans earlier.

 For More Information About Los Angeles

[astoryfrom2016]

Ragini’s Side of The Story

So the reason why I’ve created this blog is so you know my side of whatever has been told to you,  which to be honest, i’m not even sure.  I just know that it feels like an injustice that I have to keep this quiet and you are the only person I care about knowing the truth for what it is. 

If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t even feel the need to explain myself but I’ve known you since I was 16, and despite that we may not talk every day or see each other all the time, you’ve still been one of my close friends and I’ve always looked up to you like an older sister.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you for so many months what was going on or what had happened.  One reason I didn't was because you are his older sister, and I never want to paint Sharan in any sort of negative light because he isn’t a bad person.  We both got into an extremely messy situation. Right now, I feel pretty discarded, like my feelings don’t count.  That I need to be quiet and not step outside the box that he has created for me.  

It’s always been really frustrating to know how your family looked at me,  it always seemed as if I was the one chasing him, that in all these years that I was just the girl who was always after him when in reality,  it takes two to tango. He held onto to me as much (and sometimes more than) I held onto him.

I guess one of the good things about this blog is that I can also properly recount what had happened because it is such a blur honestly.  I spent most of last year battling with remaining in the shadows of his life, wanting to be chosen by him, but he didn’t, just as I knew (deep inside) he wouldn’t. 

in order to tell this story properly, i’m going to use some screenshots from my conversations of him because right now,  I look like the liar, and I promise everything Im going to say is the truth and if there are any doubts you can ask me or him about it.  I understand from his point of view, the use of screenshots is going to be a massive MASSIVE breach of privacy. And no matter what I’ll always look like an asshole too but some of the things he has said to me, I feel crazy saying that he said that without using real hard evidence.  A lot of these screenshots are used to illustrate the nature of our relationship and the extent to which he was saying things to me.

So i might just start from the beginning:

May, June, July 2016

So,  I started talking to him around this period while I was in a comfortable and easy relationship with Zain.  I messaged him on facebook saying Hi, and we simply just became friends again. At first Sharan was kinda cold towards me because of our past arguments but then he let me in and we became very close friends again.  I felt as if I couldn’t commit to Zain long-term unless I figured out my feelings for Sharan (which was a very stupid idea).

We talked quite frequently and hung out here and there.  I knew he was in a new relationship and sometimes I gave him advice + tips.  But during that whole time I would never tell Zain when I was with him and I knew Sharan wouldn’t tell his girlfriend where he was either.  

During this period both of us would make fun of each other’s partners.  It was a little obvious why we did that but we sort of both continued to make jokes about each other’s significant other and call it being protective of the other person. 

In late July after his birthday, I called in sick from work one day and Sharan had the flu so he came over and we spent the day together just cooking, watching shows, he napped while I studied, and then because my friend was DJing in the city, I asked him if he would like to tag along and we went out to dinner and Sharan got a little drunk.

On the way home we found ourselves holding hands and talking about the time we hooked up.  I asked him who he liked more me or his girlfriend and he said me, and asked me the same and I said I liked him more too, and I could kinda tell where the whole situation was going because he kissed me on the neck so I was like ok I’m going to drop you home now, but as he was leaving we ended up sharing a kiss that yeah went on for awhile.

We decided that it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore but because he had the flu, I ended up getting really sick and he came over again to check up on me and we started talking again a little, went for breakfast later that week and ended up hooking up again.  His girlfriend came home from Europe the next day and we tried to cut contact.

August 2016

In August the we were in and out of contact, which basically means we would block/unblock each other on whatsapp/facebook when we would miss each other and it became a cycle.  But we spent a lot of August talking as I had surgery.   My feelings for Sharan started to affect my relationship with Zain so I ended things with him after surgery,  Zain knew the break up was coming for other reasons and after awhile, he realised the role Sharan played in our break up (thanks to drunk rhea again ==).

Sharan and I started getting really emotional or intense with our conversations. Like we would talk about the future (marriage) and he just said a lot of things that would indicate that he had strong feelings too.   We ended up going on a date (I didn’t actually know this was a date till he told me) to Savanas the day after I got my cast off and afterwards things got a little intimate again &  but he stopped it and then told me how he couldn’t do this right now and that the situation was only temporary and that he would be back soon eventually. 

September 2016

During this month we also were in and out of touch again, I started to see a guy named Nitin that I was friends with for awhile casually (who knew my situation with Sharan) as I didn’t want to wait for Sharan, like he said he didn’t expect me to as I had my own life and he was in a romantic relationship with someone else, whereas I wasn’t anybody’s girlfriend.  My relationship with Nitin was purely casual and only got romantic towards the end (before it ended)

It was after Spot passed away, that I started to feel like the ‘Other Woman’ as I really tried to be there for him but he was always with his girlfriend and would want to see me too, and that made me pretty upset because best of both worlds.   He used to always just say he couldn’t just break up with her because he’s best friend’s with her brother/cousin and because your family was involved. 

October 2016

During this month,  I think the hurt started to surface and I started to really feel like the other chick, even though he was still saying very loving things.  He made it clear again that the situation was temporary and that he was trying to get out of it. 

At one point (imaged below) he asked me if we could stop talking via whatsapp as our messages were too intense and he was obviously getting afraid someone would see them.  This made me very very hurt.

The day before my birthday he came over my house and we were watching tv and his girlfriend started to message him saying goodnight with love hearts and calling him ‘bubba’ and at that point I realised, fuck she loves him too.  I did ask him, but he asked me why it matters anyway. 

For my birthday he came out for dinner with Susie & William, and he even told William that he didn’t see a future with his girlfriend and that it just wasn’t the right time for us.   After my birthday night, because Susie told him to really step back and see what he was doing, he decided it would be best if we weren’t in [active] communication so he said his temporary goodbye.

November 2016

We didn’t really talk this month at all,  I was pretty upset at him over being left behind because I could see he wasn’t making any active decisions to get out of his relationship despite saying a few months earlier that he would be out by the end of the year.    He sent me anonymous messages on my blog during this period.  The boy I was seeing and I got closer too actually,  but I never allowed myself to get too close as I was in this situation with Sharan.

December 2016

As you know, my mum got really sick in early December and we started to speak again, but then it started to become clear to me that he was not going to be getting out of his relationship anytime soon despite saying that he was. He asked me for money a few times in the months prior to december, but for some reason it was only when he asked me in December for money to buy him shoes (which he said he would pay me back for but still) that I realised, how unreal whole situation was.  I told him I wanted to move on and he didn’t really say I also ended things with Nitin while my mum was sick as I didn’t want to be with him either, he was just too aware of what was happening with me and Sharan for it to even work out.

I told Sharan that I deserved to be treated properly right now and not eventually, and that if he really loved me, it wouldn’t be ‘you know my position Ragini’ he would’ve taken active steps to ensure I knew and felt like he loved me, which I didnt. These were all only words.

 I told him I needed end things with him and never got a response.  And by this  point it really felt like I meant nothing to him and everything he said didn’t mean anything either. 

I know that it seems like I assumed he didn’t care, but like if you cant walk the walk then don’t talk the talk.  Actions speak louder than words.  These aren’t just cliched quotes everyone knows about, they are important for a reason. 

The lie you were probably told:

When I spoke to Sharan earlier this week, he said that his girlfriend said that I told her on Christmas eve (presumably to her face) that he was cheating on her with me when I saw her at an event I was at.

The real story is, whilst I was intoxicated in the same bathroom as her,  as I washed my hands I sang quite passively and soulfully “Girrrrrl your boyfriend is cheaating on you, cheating on youu, cheating on you.... Girrrrl open your eyes he’s cheating on you cheating on you” not looking at her or anyone but I was actually looking at my friends smiling (I was drunk and was quite angry at the whole thing) This was hugely disrespectful, and if I could apologise to her for it, I would. Only because she is a woman like me and I have no idea what she could be going through right now.  Also, I knowingly left a lot of room for Sharan to deny it, which he definitely did.  I knew he was going to say something like ‘SHE CRAY’, My older brother calls it ‘Anger Misplaced’ which it definitely was. 

Sooo, where to from here?

You know the more I think about it,  I realised how much you would’ve understood this situation, not because you know me and Sharan on a very personal level, but because you have been through something similar.  & honestly, now that I understand,  I’m sorry if I wasn’t there as much as I could’ve been during that period. 

I’ve started talking to a professional about him, well, I had been seeing a psychologist for a few months during because of surgery, which she knew what was going on with him and she would always try to get me to see what was actually going on but I was too invested at that point to objectively look at what was going on.   I only wanted to talk to her about it till I was 150% ready to make the decision to walk away for life, which I am now.  I saw what I needed to, and it really wasn’t what I wanted.  No matter how beautiful the fantasy was, it was never going to be reality. 

There is no hate, none at all towards him.  I feel really bad for him too,  he didn’t mean for all this to happen. I have a lifetime of memories with him for which I will always be grateful,  But I’m looking to move forward with my life and away from all this.  It’s going to be a long process of healing as there is a lot of things I need to face and accept.  

I understand if we can no longer be friends after this, and eventually I will accept that, but I hope you now see things from both perspectives and the whole story makes a lot more sense to you now.  It was always important to me that you knew the truth eventually.  I just hoped it would be in a more positive way and not via this blog.