#george crit

[lacystar]

if you can't address your character's past relationship with Karl because he's related to mr beast who's in cahoots with a predator, and you cant address your character's past relationship with Sapnap because he's related to dream who's a predator, and you can't address your character's past relationship with George because George is a fucking weirdo and might also be a predator, and you can't address your character's past relationship with wilbur because Wilbur's an abuser, and all you can do is have your character engage in selfcest and talk to Charlie despite the fact that you already wrapped up that loose thread, then why did you even make a fucking finale.

[itsnotmuchyet]

Man, as I've been looking back at PJO I've also been reading the Olympians comic series by George O'Connor. And these two things have convinced me: No one should ever write any kind of biography or representation of a god/dess if they cannot find even one thing in that deity they like or respect.

For example, I like the way O'Connor writes about Hera. He has an interesting perspective on the Heracles story, and he brings up the really salient point that it's only the male versions of these stories that got recorded. We know Greek women had a private oral tradition and myths they only told to other women, but because Greek men restricted them from the public sphere these stories, by and large, are lost to time. He seems to respect Hera, which I find refreshing.

But then he writes about Demeter and he makes her into an overbearing, unlikable mother (pjo also does this! it seems to be a popular take at the moment). I'm so sorry, if you're retelling the Hades-Persephone myth as a tender romance wherein Demeter is the antagonist, you don't understand ancient Greek society, ANY of the metaphors happening here, and you're missing the point! Did you know that the followers of Demeter had women-only religious rites and secret practices? Did you know they were tortured by Christians for their secrets and chose to take them to the grave instead? We don't know the details of Demeter's worship, but we know she was tremendously important to Greek women! Tremendously powerful! But no, she's just the nagging mother-in-law to you huh. What a worthy and novel perspective.

O'Connor also dislikes Apollo, which, lol. One of the most important gods in Ancient Greece and you can't find anything likable about him? You think he's a dick? Lol okay.

[undead-knick-knack]

"average exandrian commits 3war crimes a year" factoid actually just a statistical error. average exandrian commits 0war crimes per year. War Crimes Liliana, who lives on 2planets and commits over 10,000 war crimes each day, is an outlier and should not have been counted

[fideidefenswhore]

Eloquent and lengthy speeches, put into Anne's mouth at her trial and on the scaffold, should be read with scepticism...

but the 'notoriously unreliable' spanish chronicle...shouldn't?

[fuckmeyer]

"disturbed, depressed, inadequate": Edward Cullen & George Costanza, cringefail twinsies

as we all know, Twilight and Seinfeld are canonically set in the same universe. we see blatant clues scattered throughout both series. (e.g., Stephenie Meyer prefacing New Moon with the entirety of Jerry Seinfeld's opening stand-up from season 4's "The Outing;" Jerry making a Twilight reference in "The Soup" episode of Seinfeld, etc.) most notably, we see Edward Cullen & George Costanza's personalities mirror each other in a way that extends far beyond "pure" "coincidence." upon closer examination, they are the same person in parallel universes.

the two are, canonically, absolute losers seemingly broken beyond repair, self-saboteurs who waffle between moments of self-aggrandizement and self-loathing. their negative self-image, insecurities, & belief that they do not deserve love are recurring themes in their respective series.

among other things, George describes himself as "disturbed, depressed, inadequate," ("The Visa," S04) "completely insecure, paranoid, [and] neurotic" ("The Beard," S06). he is the self-proclaimed "Lord of the Idiots" ("The Apartment," S02) who is sure of only one thing: "There is no bigger loser than me" ("The Strike," S09).

in the Twilight Saga, Edward repeatedly calls himself "selfish" & a "monster." in Midnight Sun, he's a "coward" (37), "evil" (374) & an "obsessed stalker" (94). clearly depressed in the way he describes his "long melancholy" (138) as "an unending, unchanging midnight" (136), he quickly pinpoints the feelings behind his hatred for Bella: "What I really hated was myself" (26). his distaste for Mike Newton & jealousy of Jacob Black stem from his insecurity, while his paranoia has him assuming, among other things, that a meteor will crash down & bonk Bella out of existence (131). Edward's telepathy has him always on the alert for intruders, resulting in baseless conclusions. "Idiot," Rose calls him (97, 129, 145, 202, 314). idiot, indeed.

Edward & George's low self-esteem compel them to lie, unable to live up to the perceived expectations of others. after Edward saves Bella from a car accident, he lies to her to keep her away. "I had a show to put on now. I knew the role I would play—I had the character down: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel" (MS, 90). beyond shielding her from his true nature, he is shielding her from a deeper truth: "I didn't deserve any link, any claim to her at all" (728). that is, Edward does not consider himself worthy of Bella's love. he even point-blank admits it to her at prom: "I'm not worth it." (782)

George, too, struggles to live up to assumed perceptions: “You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real. That's when it all falls apart. What good is real?" ("The Visa," S04) like Edward, he engages in deceptive tactics throughout the series to keep his partners at arm's length, from creating falsehoods about himself to preventing his fiancée from fraternizing with his friends & entering his world. ("The Pool Guy," S07) Edward, more succinct, sends Bella the same message in New Moon: "My world is not for you." (37)

in fact, one of the few traits George & Edward possess that is not negatively regarded is their ability to lie. Edward's declaration that "I was not an incompetent liar" (MS, 77) seems an understatement when, not 10 pages later, he says, "Perhaps I was too good a liar if I could fool Carlisle" (85). he claims to feel guilty; then again, Bella often notes him lying outright or by omission in the series.

"I lie every second of my life," George brags in season 2's "The Apartment." "My whole life is a sham." other characters acknowledge & praise this ability. in the episode "The Beard" (S06), Jerry begs George to help him beat a polygraph test, calling his ability "a gift." just as Edward dramatizes his lying to "putting on a show," George likens his talent to singing opera: "It's like saying to Pavarotti, 'Teach me to sing like you.'" the advice he gives Jerry aptly sums up George's philosophy: "It's not a lie if you believe it." how fitting that this is the mindset Edward employs to stay in Bella's life a little longer.

George & Edward's relationships not only showcase their ability to lie but follow similar paths. George faces Edward's exact dilemma: the choice to deny his nature (to the point of becoming vegetarian!) for an attractive woman in "The Secretary" episode of season 6. "You're luscious," he says to a beautiful applicant for an open secretary position. "You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra." George chooses not to hire the attractive secretary... but ends up sleeping with his 'unattractive' secretary anyway. Edward, meanwhile, does the opposite: he chooses vegetarianism and to date the object of his affection, albeit with personal turmoil. where Edward chooses to be the man, George chooses to be the monster.

unsurprisingly, however, their low self-esteem is a frequent barrier to their romantic pursuits. these insecurities even lead them to preemptively decide to break up with their significant other. in George's case, the breakup in season 3's "The Pez Dispenser" is a means for him to protect himself & regain control:

“A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity.”

Edward seemingly breaks up with Bella to protect her. he knows he will leave her by page 368 of Midnight Sun. by page 746, he admits he's lying when he swears he won't leave her. "[T]he time would come, I was sure now, when I would have to convince her [I didn't want her]" (747). best-case scenario, he thinks, she will outgrow him (781), though it's clear she intends on forever. despite the evidence from Alice that Bella will be a catatonic mess, he leaves...several months later, after a near-fatal brush with Jasper. one might argue Edward's fear of love & intimacy leads him to break up with her as a means to protect himself from the harsh reality that she will die.

ultimately, George & Edward's failures in physical & emotional intimacy are rooted, at least in part, in an aversion to sex.

for both, the desire to feed presents a barrier to their lovemaking. Edward is unable to prolong his kisses with Bella, citing his thirst. he compares himself to "an alcoholic" & Bella to "a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac..." (Twilight, 13). similarly, in season 9's "The Blood," George finds he is always hungry around his partner & can't make love to her without eating. his attempt to introduce strawberries, chocolate sauce, & pastrami on rye into the bedroom snowballs into him sneaking sandwiches into bed. though George, unlike Edward, can satiate himself without murdering his girlfriend, his desire to feed still leads to his demise.

this aversion to sex extends beyond a conflict with their baser selves, however. we see George & Edward's insecurities & low self-esteem take a central role in their inability to engage in intimate relations.

“I don't like when a woman says, ‘Make love to me,’" says George in season 3's "The Stranded." "It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.”

this quote perfectly encapsulates Edward & Bella's wedding night. despite being intimidated by Bella's demand for sex, Edward acquiesces. upon discovering he bruised Bella, Edward confirms his worst fears, calls himself a monster, and says: "I'm...so sorry, Bella. [...] I am more sorry than I can tell you" (Breaking Dawn, 61). he then promises, "I will not make love with you until you've been changed. I will never hurt you again." (66)

oddly enough, the bleak outlook Edward takes on his sex life (i.e., not possible (Twilight, 147) & unrealistic (Eclipse, 299)) mirrors George's feelings re: sexual intimacy in "The Pony Remark" (S02):

“You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.”

is this aversion to intimacy with women a product of George & Edward being queer-coded characters? even if Edward didn't worship the ground on which Carlisle "the soul of [the] family" (MS, 96) walked to the point where he hopes his face resembles Carlisle's "perfect" one (24, 387), he constantly thinks of his creator & tries to live up to Carlisle's perception of him (28, 347, 383, 387). this seems innocuous enough until we consider the fact that the vampire genre itself has queer roots. vampires have always served as a symbol for social outcasts; homosexual depictions, from the 1872 novel Carmilla to the 2020s reboot of Interview with a Vampire, are a common feature of the genre. through this lens, the virginal Edward Cullen pushing away his heterosexual partner while he envisions Carlisle's face takes on different connotations.

George, deeply in denial of his sexuality, upholds odd "rules" to avoid being seen as gay, from refusing to sit "boy-boy-girl" in a car ("The Ex-Girlfriend," S02), to reminding Jerry of his "unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality" before declaring Jerry's new jacket "fabulous." (his singing show tunes throughout "The Jacket" (S02)  still earns him the title of gay by another character, however.) he frequently goes into a gay panic: from being called out on his attraction to Jerry ("The Cartoon," S09), to being accused of falling in love with his friend Tony ("The Stall," S05), to being explicitly labeled as Jerry's romantic partner in season 4's "The Outing," he responds to challenges to his heterosexuality with anger, anxiety, dismay, & denial. he even shouts "IT [his penis] MOVED!" in response to being touched by an attractive male masseuse ("The Masseuse," S05). regardless of whether George may be gay or bisexual, George's record of "staunch heterosexuality" seems not as "unblemished" as he would like us to believe.

given all the similarities, one might think the biggest difference is their species: Edward is a mindreading vampire and George is a human. but George does note having an advanced sense of perception akin to Edward's telepathy: "I was personable, I was bright. [...] I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party" ("The Opposite," S05). additionally, while George may not be a literal vampire, he does have a parasitic nature. cheap & selfish, he frequently mooches off his friends & leaves them footing the bill. he also lies & manipulates for his own gain, including but not limited to faking a disability to have access to his own private bathroom at work ("The Butter Shave," S09), setting up a fake charity to avoid buying Christmas presents for his coworkers ("The Strike," S09), & falsifying statements to extend his unemployment benefits ("The Boyfriend, Part 1," S03). leeching off of others & the community is a hallmark of vampirism.

ultimately, the uncanny parallels between these two characters are impossible to ignore. George & Edward seem indeed the same person mirrored into different universes. so, what does this say about their creator(s)? this "coincidence" naturally begs the question: Are Jerry Seinfeld and Stephenie Meyer the same person? in Part 2 of this essay, we expl—

[pleasefindahobby]

here are the original posts for everyone who has gone to the land of straight up medical delusions can we all shut the fuck up now this drama is so last year😂

3rd one link is an ask from vera to avery ^

(as you can see, the dm that was posted calling mar out was posted 9 hours into mar’s wank fest, in which she mentioned vera several times, and thus was not, in fact, the catalyst! that was mar all by her lovely self! weird either way to blame me for your actions as if you were punishing me… oh wait, you did that too LOL!)

no one ever cared how you felt about the cartoon drawing of fictional female dream! ‘twas never about the art or the offense you took to it!

and for the last time, no one gives a shit who you’re a fan of or not! humble yourself! i care more about the literal shit in my asshole! this has never been about fandom opinions. NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. i promise you your actual opinions mean nothing to any of us. this has ALWAYS been about the appalling way you act and treat people, right from the very beginning! do you need to sound this out in order for it to finally stick???? get a grip good lord lmfao and get me and my mysterious ‘group of friends’ names out of your mouth you are WEIRD

[criphd]

The question of congruity between language and physical order [for Darwin] is evidently related to teleological issues, just as narrative order brings sharply into focus the question of precedent design. Victorian novelists increasingly seek a role for themselves within the language of the text as observer or experimenter, rather than as designer or god. Omniscience goes, omnipotence is concealed. The loss of omniscience is felt particularly in fiction where the design of the narrative and the activity of narration would seem to imply an organising power. Writers could no longer easily share the Shaftesburyian ethic that the artist is imitating God – illustrating the benign organisation necessarily justified in shaping our ends. The ‘Providential’ organisation of fiction becomes a conscious issue: in Jane Eyre dreams, omens and portents sustain and guide the heroine. They are messengers from beyond the self. Yet they tally with the self ’s deepest needs, they endorse the unconscious. The organisation of Dickens’s novels shifts from the picaresque, which can include the random events of every day in the onward dynamism of the journey, to a profuse interconnection of events and characters so extreme as to seem to defy any overall meaning. Instead the activity of such novels ranges out towards infinity rather in the manner of medieval ornament. The preoccupation with materiality in Dickens takes comic and menacing forms. People are seen formulaically, like objects, and objects are endowed with the energy traditionally reserved for organic life: chimneys lour, drainpipes creep. Moreover, Dickens and other novelists such as Elizabeth Gaskell even sought physically to affect their reader: we are to laugh and weep as we read: rictus and wetness. We are to be physically disarranged by the reading experience. Though this may seem a far cry from Darwin’s emphasis on substantiation, there is the identical drive towards confirming experience by appeal to the physical and the material, changing language into physical process. We see another form of it in the ‘sensation’ novel. The loss of teleological order is sometimes countered in Victorian writing by the speaking voice. An idiosyncratic, often grotesquely individual, yet accessible human voice is suggested syntactically and semantically. This voice has a life of its own; it addresses us. At times it is purely instrumental, expressing the activity of the characters, but at other times it asserts an individuality which goes beyond and runs askance from the events of the novel. This same insistence on the human subject – Darwin as writer writing, observer observing, voice addressing – is characteristic of Darwin’s prose. 

–Gillian Beer, Darwin’s Plots: Evolutionary Narrative in Darwin, George Eliot and Nineteenth-Century Fiction (2009), pp. 40-1

[my bolding]

[leohtttbriar]

Feuerbach’s belief in human love as natural and sacred, above “narrow Christian moralism” (as Carlisle puts it), influenced [Eliot's] own behavior and choices. Spinoza’s demonstration in his Ethics that “our lives are thoroughly interconnected, always parts of larger wholes,” his belief in “joy” as the result of understanding our fluctuating emotions, and his contention that human beings are united “by a great need of friendship” profoundly affected her.

"A Wider Devotion," Hermione Lee on C. Carlisle's George Eliot biograph

[demonstars]

DREAM: How is the fire BOOSTING you?!? It doesn't make any SENSE. 😠 [HITS GEORGE] Oh my god, George, you just must be low. That was a good crit. 😊

This is just very crazy

[alittledizzy]

I know you’re not crit but aren’t some of your mutuals crit?

I'm going to answer this very carefully because I feel like it's the kind of question that isn't a blatant setup but at the same time, could be.

I don't police who my friends are friends with, but I feel like if more people looked at the blogs I reblog that have been given the boogeyman label, they'd be surprised to find it's pretty much the same content as the rest of fandom.

If someone I follow is having a discussion I don't like, be it about a show I'm not into or a ship I don't find appealing or anything else, I simply don't involve myself in it.

People try very hard to draw lines in the sand in this fandom, on both sides. Accusing someone of being crit if you yourself are crit is a way to make sure they're isolated and stay on 'your' side. Accusing someone of being crit if you are on main is a way to also make sure someone you're threatened by or just don't like stays exiled. I would recommend people actually just make up their minds for themselves, instead of believing rumors. Not just in this situation, but in life.

But to finally answer your question: I would say I have mutuals with different boundary lines, and I definitely have mutuals that interact with blogs I personally don't wish to follow or involve myself with. But that's on me, not them - that's my responsibility to decide for myself. Because, again, I'm not going to police who my friends are friends with. In terms of the content I see on my dash - trust, anon, it's just a lot of George.

[lionofchaeronea]

Current nonfiction reading is Music at Midnight: The Life and Poetry of George Herbert by John Drury--a really fine book. Drury sets himself a double task: to reconstruct Herbert's biography as far as the sources permit, and to analyze some of his key poems, showing how they both illuminate and are illuminated by his vita. It's the kind of undertaking that, in less capable hands, might have ended up as neither fish nor fowl -- bad biography + bad lit crit -- but Drury pulls it off with aplomb. It helps a lot that he was, at the time of publication (2014), the chaplain of All Souls College, Oxford: being both scholar and minister, he's uniquely well-placed to understand Herbert, who wavered between those two callings for much of his too-brief life. Highly recommended.

[fideidefenswhore]

It completely makes sense that you forgot it was an internal narrative… mainly because all his opinions of everyone are affirmed by those close to them.

i don’t actually mind iterations of AB where she’s ‘mean’ (…again, whatever the fuck that means in the 16c); but i really do reject portrayals where she’s completely devoid of warmth. unfortunately for me, one of them has remained #1 prestige ‘blueprint’ tudor drama since 2012 😭

[charles-leclerc-official]

bring back real f1 rivalries fr , knew i could trust you to be right luci

I need everyone to stir the pot more.

Maybe Charles can say Max's cats aren't that cute next, make a real declaration of war.

Oscar can invent some new insults to throw at Carlos, and really turn the shade up to 11 there.

Carlos can make sure Oscar does not know peace on track or during interviews.

George can imply that every single team is cheating and that he has proof.

Lewis can say that Fernando should retire.

Kmag can just be himself ✨ and claim his next victim

Nico can start beef with both Alpine cars

Yuki can follow Danny on insta again just so he can unfollow him a second time

Alpine can keep doing what it is they are doing

Charles can imply something else about the Mclaren and Red Bull cars and be even more vague about it

Valtteri and Zhou should impede everyone else in the pitlane to even out the playing field a little

Max should start doing lap by lap critiques of every driver's race, pointing out every mistake they made

Lewis should up his very valid crit of the FIA more

Lance should say he wants sprint weekends at every race and refuse to elaborate

Fernando should be true to himself :)

[willboland]

A dumb little thing about who i think the f1 boys would main in overwatch based on my own perception of the idiots.

Max - Absolutely the annoying Genji main who spams I need healing but will also get a 5 stack on his own when he's on crit bc he's just that good.

Sergio - Mercy bc he'd just pocket Max all game and heal NO ONE else and get angry messages from the rest of the team about him not healing them. There's two healers for a reason in his eyes.

Carlos - Reinhardt but he's very chaotic and charges in swinging his hammer on his own and then kicks off when he immediately dies.

Charles - He'd play Echo and always flank the enemy healers when they were out of position so the rest of his squad can capitalise on capturing the point.

Lewis - Sombra bc he loves hacking everyone and pissing them off and then just yeeting out of there with his translocator. Absolutely stands invisible next to the enemy team spamming boop

George - He'd be that annoying Lucio that just wall rides everywhere and boops everyone off the side of the map and then do the dj emote he paid 8 quid for.

Lando - Widowmaker for sure. He's got a really good shot on him and would terrorise the poor enemy Mercy and snipe them out of spawn all the time.

Oscar - Junker Queen. Half bc she's an aussie and half bc no one else will play a tank. He only hopped on the game one time with Lando and now he's 400 hours deep.

Daniel - I think he'd like Orisa. He's definitely played a few different tanks bc he hates playing healer and Lando and Max would always hog the dps roles.

Yuki - Definitely DVA. He loves getting play of the game with his DVA bombs that he definitely just yeets into the enemy team and hopes to get a few kills.

Kevin - Torbjorn. He'd run around with his little hammer trolling his team and the enemy team and get no kills himself whilst his turret has 100.

Nico - Moira but a dps Moira. He hates playing healer but its the only role left so he picks the most dps healer and is a nightmare. Gets the most kills on the team and has 800 healing in a 10 minute match.

Esteban - Wrecking ball. He's actually good at him too but will still just swing around a point and keep hitting the enemy team off to stop them contesting.

Pierre - A really REALLY good Tracer. He jumps around everywhere and knows exactly which target to go for and when to back out and use his recall.

Zhou - Life weaver bc he isn't the best at aiming and wants to help the best he can so he plays healer. He's pretty good at prioritising his tank and other healer and lets the dps just do what they usually do.

Valtteri - Symmetra. Definitely spams the sentries outside of spawn so the squishes will just instantly die and the team gets staggered. Actually pretty good and skilled with her.

Lance - Junkrat bc he's annoying af and he loves just standing behind a wall spamming his bombs into the air in the hopes he might kill someone. Would only end up with like 3 kills too.

Fernando - Mauga. Man's a machine and so is Fernando. You know he loves terrorising tf out of the enemy team with his massive machine guns.

Alex - Reaper main through and through. He's really good too which makes it even more annoying bc he can wipe a full team on his own if he really tries. Definitely in a mini war with Max to get the most kills in a game.

Logan - Soldier 76 sorry not sorry. He's not very good at OW and is more of a COD boy so picks the most generic easy to play hero he can.

[mayhemchicken-varneyposting]

Varney the Vampire, Chapter 28: CSI (Crime Scene Incompetents)

[Previous chapter] [Next chapter]

Marchdale tries to argue his case to Flora. Flora doesn't want to listen to him, but he crits his CHA roll so she ends up listening to him anyway. Marchdale thinks it's very unfair of Flora to be upset with him simply because he immediately assumed the worst of her missing fiance at the first sign of suspicion, was initially in favor of not searching for him, and still continues even now to harbor suspicions about him. Still, he pledges to support her fully, even while making it clear that he very much still suspects Charles.

Marchdale's continued suspicion causes him to get in an argument with Admiral Bell, who is pissed off at him for continuing to suspect his nephew of treachery. Marchdale plays the victim super hard and threatens to leave again, but Henry stops him.

They (finally) go outside to search for Charles, and find every sign that a vicious struggle took place at the meeting spot. Marchdale suggests they seek an alibi for one Sir Francis Varney for the previous night, and pledges to duel him should it fall through as a way to atone for being such a reply guy. George, who has only just now appeared in the chapter, notes that there are only footprints at the spot of the struggle, not leading from or to it.

The Admiral spots a torn piece of paper on the ground, on which is written an itemized list of how and why Charles was abducted. No one has any idea what this could mean. Several chapters too late, Marchdale suggests they check the handwriting on the three letters, and the Admiral replies that they were good enough to fool him. No one thinks to check the handwriting on the paper they just found.

Marchdale suggests they call the police, and also offer a reward to anyone with information on Charles. The admiral sets the reward at £200, and the possibility that someone might lie to them in order to claim the money does not occur to them or the author.

The best plan anyone can think of to get an alibi from Varney is "ask him about it", so they ask his servants and they say he was home all night. What's more, they answered promptly and consistently, so they must have been telling the truth. So much for that lead! No more investigating to be done there.

Flora is getting exasperated, and for a moment seems to be about to join the search herself, but Rymer - I mean Henry - talks her out of it. Flora and Henry then get into a theological argument about whether a good God would allow vampires to attack people, and whether all this trouble is divine vengeance, somehow. Marchdale brings up the idea of moving once more, but Flora has changed her mind now that Charles is MIA. The chapter ends with Henry about to ride into town to ask about Charles, and Flora and the admiral about to take a walk in the garden.

This chapter would probably be a good 20-30% shorter if Marchdale would shut up.

Flora gets a couple of witty comebacks against Marchdale in their conversation at the start of this chapter, which is always fun to see.

"All I want to impress upon you is, that I am not to be blamed for doubting his innocence; and, at the same time, I wish to assure you that no one in this house would feel more exquisite satisfaction than I in seeing it established." "I thank you for so much," said Flora; "but as, to my mind, his innocence has never been doubted, it needs to me no establishing."

"My dear," said the mother, "rely on Mr. Marchdale." "I will rely on any one who believe Charles Holland innocent of writing those odious letters, mother—I rely upon the admiral."

Frankly, if I were Flora, I would not rely on either gentleman. Mina Harker found herself improbably surrounded by what may have been the most gallant group of men in all of England; Flora, equally improbably, finds herself surrounded by the very stupidest, just the smoothest-brained dumbasses in the whole country.

Also? Some of the bitchiest.

"Oh, dear, no—quite a mistake. I consider that every man has a fair right to the enjoyment of his opinion. All I have to remark is, that I shall, after what has occurred, feel myself called upon to fight anybody who says those letters were written by my nephew." "Indeed, sir!" "Ah, indeed." "You will permit me to say such is a strange mode of allowing every one the free enjoyment of his opinion." "Not at all." "Whatever pains and penalties may be the result, Admiral Bell, of differing with so infallible authority as yourself, I shall do so whenever my judgment induces me."

(The first speaker in the following passage is Marchdale; the second is Admiral Bell.)

"As to fighting you, I should refuse to do so." "Refuse?" "Yes; most certainly." "Upon what ground?" "Upon the ground that you were a madman." "Come," now interposed Henry, "let me hope that, for my sake as well as for Flora's, this dispute will proceed no further." "I have not courted it," said Marchdale. "I have much temper, but I am not a stick or a stone." "D——e, if I don't think," said the admiral, "you are a bit of both." "Mr. Henry Bannerworth," said Marchdale, "I am your guest, and but for the duty I feel in assisting in the search for Mr. Charles Holland, I should at once leave your house."

"I have not courted it" is the 18th century equivalent of "I'm just asking questions". Also, again with the threatening to leave! Fortunately, Henry has had enough of this bullshit, and leaves to go look for Charles. Good on you, Henry.

Now, finally, we reach the meat of the chapter. There's been a violent struggle; the earth is torn up and heavily trodden. Clearly, Charles has met with foul play. Imagine if these dumbasses had had their act together the previous night, when they all opted to go to bed instead of looking for him.

The footprints are all only in one place, possibly implying that the perpetrator can fly. Hey, I have a suspect: that creepy whistling guy with the giant thumbs from the admiral's story a few chapters back.

These gentlemen are about as bad at investigating as it is possible to get. To help illustrate how bad, I will reproduce the text on the paper they found in full:

"—it be so well. At the next full moon seek a convenient spot, and it can be done. The signature is, to my apprehension, perfect. The money which I hold, in my opinion, is much more in amount than you imagine, must be ours; and as for—"

The last sentence there is confusingly constructed; the "I hold" is referring to the writer's opinion, not that they hold the money.

Anyway, can anyone guess what happened to Charles? Not our heroes, apparently.

In fact, no one could give an opinion upon these matters at all; and after a further series of conjectures, it could only be decided, that unimportant as the scrap of paper appeared now to be, it should be preserved,

This is a huge pet peeve of mine throughout this story; it's as if the author believes that having the characters speculate or form theories will ruin the suspense.

But the incompetency doesn't end there! Now that we're long past needing to verify the authorship of the letters, Marchdale finally remembers that handwriting exists. The characters then completely fail to apply this fact to any other part of the case. You're not going to check that highly suspicious letter fragment against Varney's handwriting to see if, just maybe, they exactly match?

No, their best plan of action for figuring out Varney's involvement is just to ask him about it point-blank. Well, his servants all say he was at home all night, and we all know it's impossible to instruct your servants to lie for you! Oh well, there is simply no other way to investigate Varney, we're simply going to have to take their word for it! They sounded so truthful, how could they be lying?

And, to tie an idiot bow on the whole stupid package, the admiral offers up a whopping 200 POUND REWARD (in 18th century money, mind you!) for information on Charles's whereabouts, reasoning that such a large reward will outbid anyone who may have tried to pay off an accomplice to keep quiet. You idiot, every grifter within 20 miles of your location will be coming to you with a fake story hoping to make an easy 200 pounds. In fact, if I were Varney I would use this as an opportunity to send my enemies on a wild goose chase, and have them pay me for the privilege.

Oh my god this chapter still isn't over. Next, Flora threatens to become involved with the plot, until Rymer remembers he used up his quota of female agency writing The String Of Pearls and has Henry assure her that They Definitely Have It Handled, Really.

Poor Flora, distraught at the disappearance of Charles and the general state of her life, is rapidly developing a martyr complex, and entreats everyone else to leave her so that she alone might bear the brunt of divine vengeance, and let no one else suffer. Henry has a bad habit of scolding her when he's trying to cheer her up, which he does now - telling her that there is no divine vengeance, only divine mercy, and that she needs to calm down. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Henry, but in the Varney the Vampire universe Flora is literally factually correct. There IS divine vengeance and Varney himself is a sufferer. That will come much, much later though, when the Bannerworths are long gone from the story.

Henry's attempts to make his sister stop having emotions at him are very Victorian in their nature. He appeals to Flora's intellect and sense of reason, urging her to be calm and casting her feelings as unfortunate byproducts of human nature. Flora's response is, oddly, a fore-echo of the "I too can love" scene from Dracula.

"Oh, brother, brother!" she exclaimed, as she dropped into a seat, "you have never loved." "Indeed!"

Much later in the story Flora will tease Henry about a crush he supposedly has (which is never elaborated on), because Rymer is allergic to consistency.

Flora now refuses to leave Bannerworth Hall until Charles is found, so if (wink wink) a certain someone was hoping to get him out of the way to make attaining a certain household a little easier, that would appear to have spectacularly backfired.

Next:

[dwtdog]

Little warmup I did from the dteam writing prompts account :33 silly manhunt cc fic :p

Last alive

“Dream! Wait!” George yelps, barely dodging an axe crit as he throws himself to the side. The endstone is bright on his screen, all-encompassing. They’ve been at this for hours, and the end is finally in sight. But it’s not the end the hunters had wanted. 

“George, do something!” Sapnap screeches from behind him, leaning his arms against the back of George’s chair. He’d died nearly twenty minutes ago, with no hope of coming back since Dream had tricked them and destroyed the hunter's bed, so he’d given up and run to George’s room to shout advice. “Hit him! Hit him!” 

George just groans, doing his best to tune Sapnap out as he runs for his life, circling a dark obsidian pillar and circling back at the last moment, grinning when Sapnap cackles as Dream runs off in the wrong direction. 

The dragon is low, only a third of her health remaining, and the crystals were destroyed almost an hour ago. It’s the most drawn out end fight they’ve ever had, and George is quickly losing hope in winning. 

“Bad,” George says, tucked behind the corner of a pillar and just barely out of Dream’s sight. “Are you almost back?”

“What?” Bad responds, clearly confused. George and Sapnap groan in tandem, and yeah- it’s over. 

Sam and Ant are berating Bad as Sapnap paces around George’s office, with Dream starting to cackly like a madman, now that his victory is clearer than ever. 

George opens his inventory desperately, praying that Dream won’t notice his nametag when he uncrouches. But it’s depressingly empty, only a few scattered items populating the squares. Nothing. 

For a moment, he considers jumping off the edge, launching himself into the void and hoping that Dream dies to his own mistakes. But it seems unlikely- the hunters had gone into the reunion banking on Dream being rusty, and it had been nearly impossible for them to catch up when he proved to be quite the opposite. Underprepared and out of sync, they were doomed to lose from the beginning. 

Unless. 

George mutes his mic, whirling in his chair to face Sapnap with a grin creeping up his face. Sapnap notices, tilting his head and asking, “What?”

“I have an idea,” George stage whispers, even knowing that the rest of the call won’t be able to hear them. It’s fun this way, and the adrenaline of doing something he probably shouldn’t is already coursing through his veins. “Come here, sit.” George stands, pushing his chair to Sapnap. Dream hasn’t found him yet. “Pretend to be me,” he instructs, before darting to the door and out of the room.

He hears Sapnap’s voice calling after him, but he ignores it. He’s already giggling to himself as he rushes down the stairs, taking them two at a time as he grips the railing tightly.

Patches watches him from the bottom, eyes wide and curious as ever. “Hi Patchy,” he murmurs as he passes her, heading for the double doors across the house. She pads after him, meowing as she does. For a moment, he feels crushing guilt, thinking they’d forgotten to feed her in their manhunt excitement, but no- Dream had called a pause a few hours ago just to make sure she got her dinner.

When he reaches the doors that lead to Dream’s room and office, he doesn’t hesitate to push them open as quietly as possible, hoping that Sapnap and the hunters are causing a distraction. 

It’s a practiced motion, the walk into Dream’s office. Happiness rises in his chest even at the simple action, a trained response after months of living together, months of quiet moments spent together, one working while the other keeps him company. It’s everything George had wanted from America and more. 

He peaks his head into the room when he finds the door unlocked, seeing Dream with his headphones squarely on, leaning back in his chair as he runs around the end. He’s talking loudly, arguing about something with the rest of the call. The dragon’s health has only gone down slightly in the short amount of time he’d been gone, and he lets out a sigh of relief at that, quiet as it is. As if reading his mind, the dragon starts to circle a pillar, a telltale sign that it’s about to perch that Sam had insisted all the hunters learn. 

This is his chance. 

Dream says something excitedly when he, too, notices the movement of the dragon, pearling to the fountain with a row of beds filling his inventory. George creeps across the carpeted floor, still quiet although he doubts Dream would notice if he set off a firework in the room with how focused he is.

Just as the dragon is circling the fountain, George lunges forward, yanking Dream’s chair away from the desk and spinning it around so Dream’s shocked face is clearly visible. He hears the hunter’s confusion through Dream’s headphones, and Sapnap’s raucous laughter when Dream yelps.

“Gotcha,” George says, grinning down at him. 

Dream just blinks for a moment, eyes as wide as Patches’ had been at the stairs. “George,” he gasps, still frozen.

“Did we win?” George teases, glancing back at the screen. Dream is still alive, the dragon already having flown off. “You didn’t kill the dragon.”

That seems to break Dream out of it, and he immediately shakes his head. “Nope. No, no, no. That is not a win. For one, I’m still alive.”

It’s at that moment that an enderman teleports into the fountain, all purple particles and screaming rage. With a few swings of its long arms, Dream’s screen is sent to a death message. 

“George,” Dream says again, this time entirely in disbelief. “We recorded for- For hours.”

George just shrugs. “Yeah, and? It’s only the reunion.”

Dream seems to think that over, eyebrows twitching as he does. On the screen, Bad is already beginning to construct a trophy, with the other hunters circling around him. 

“But-” Dream starts to protest, and George rolls his eyes, holding up a finger to stop him.

“You were already going to make us rerecord it,” he states, watching with satisfaction as Dream’s gaze turns to a glare, an easy admission of guilt. “The nether was way too slow, and Sapnap was meming the whole time. At least this way you can make a funny Tiktok out of it or something.”

Dream sighs, and finally his face breaks into a grin. “You know too much,” he grumbles, sliding his headphones off and standing up straight into George’s space. Chest to chest, George is happy to smile up at him, delighting in the feeling of Dream’s hands coming to rest on his waist. 

“You’re easy to know,” George shoots back, resting his hands over Dream’s.