#genuinely ive seen like 5 of these white men that look like that

[kn11ves]

white men with facial hair to rival a confederate general who would have quoted filthy frank in 2017 that make fun of white women on tiktok are making more podcasts

[ramu-ego]

AHHH JEEZ A 2 DAYS LATE REPLY MY BAD, i def wouldve responded sooner but i suddenly got busy, missed camping in this little blog here 💔😭 (yes 2 days is a lot in my book LMAO)

when i saw sir nighteye, i looked at ego and i was like. Yea. Yea that’s a type alright LMFAOO.. IVE MEVER SEEN THE REST EXCEPT DAZAI BUT MAYBE THATS SIGN FOR ME TO OPEN MY TASTES A BIT MORE..

100% agree on the ego paragraph!!..!.!?! EVEN IF I WASNT THE BIGGEST FAN ITS SOO OBVS HE CARES.. one day imma see an ego appreciation paragraph analysis explaining every single detail abt what he did and i wouldnt be surprised if that post is from you LMFAO

god i’ve never heard nikko’s eng voice but i’m def not looking forward to it — i read the nikko post though, GOODD LOORDDD may of changed my perspective of nikko on ruining him but still, gotta stay loyal to my favs (a lie, i’m a whore and would jump around but niko just aint it for me LMFAO)

god yea, my timezones been like .. the direct opposite of most people so i wasn’t surprised to see ours be different, JUST CRAZY HOW KUCH OF A DIFFERENCE IT ACTUALLY WAS .. fuckk guess we can twin in being last to almost everything then huh? the only win i get is just having an asian timezone to be early to actual content LMFAO

i respect liking dubs!!!! i used to watch dubs for like, romance anime? toradora and shit when i was WAYYY younger!! HONESTLY I SEARCHED UP ALL UR RECS AND III THINKKK i may start with mob psycho first since it peaks my interests the most! but i’ll def check fire force since it’s one of ur favs, i’ll tell you what i think abt it when i actually DO start it (chronic procrastinator, i even procrastinated writing this message despite how much i wanted to chat LOL)

I HAVE REALLY BAD MEMORY SO IVE GOT NO IDEA WHICH GUY I WAS REFERRING TO.. curly hair??? black hair??? looked kinda dead inside??? I THINK IT MIGHTVE BEEN W GAGAMARU AND RAICHI.. his hair looked kinda like it hadn’t been washed in weeks ngl

IM HAPPY TO READ YOUR RESPONSES HONESTLY, SUPEPRRR FUN and it feels like im having a genuine one on one convo even if we are like — replying to it like letters or sum LMFAO, guess we going back to the past era for this! BEINNG A HAIRDRESSER FOR 5 YEARS IS SOO COOL?? you’re only 25 now so like — did you pick this job up early on??

i’ve never watched haikyuu but i could see a lot of people felt differently abt blue lock compared to haikyuu, blue lock kinda increases that competitive spirit that’s rare to find in that. team work stuff?

since i felt as if my replies were kinda ass this time, i got news! just watched blue lock episode 11 and good fucking lord this shit was good — yea i was worried about bad animation but shit POPPED OFF.. and rin itoshi :?/!.?.!?! i screamed creamed probably was thinkign with only my metaphorical dick from that point on because good lord i want this man HELP.. it’s been like a year or two(?) since i first saw rin itoshi in the manga but good lord when i saw him animated and even spoke, i felt sum ROARING DOWN THERE … (excuse my language i only think with my lower region!) this awakened sum in mme.. don’t be surprised once i start sending genuine requests and thirsts

since i even joked about this being like a literal letter, maybe i should start signing off like one!!!

from 💌 anon or something LMFAO

NO NO TWO DAYS IS NOTHING I CAN BE AWFUL AT RESPONDING-

-I am so bad at like focusing to respond so trust me no apology needed bc I'm chronically bad at looking at a message and then giving myself anxiety over it. It's something I'm working on 😂😭

Dazai is mildly the odd man out except for the dude with black 'n white hair they're kinda con losers together but I'd say the over arching theme is "they look like they bite...but not really" I have no sense of danger I want the weird looking men no one wants 😂 but no seriously all the fandoms they're from are really good highly recommend Dr Stone and Fire Force if you enjoy Blue Lock. They are *chefs kiss*

do you know how hard it is to keep my twitching fingers on my keyboard to not rant about Ego??? I could do it I could go on and on about this man but- asdfghjkl- I'm controlling myself! mostly bc i don't wanna share my weird husband shhh that's not the point shhh he's my ugly little greenbean

i blame my friend on the niko bullshit!! she went on about how perfectly he'd fit that pervy hentai protagonist who like- steals panties- and cries when he gets caught and all that bullshit?? now I can't unsee it?? he's so stealing panties and putting under his pillow to sleep with only to make up a loud sob story when he gets caught. He's a perv and now I can't unsee it and I hate it 😩

really you have the problem of conflicting timezones?? I'm genuinely surprised bc like- everyone I talk to is like bare minimum in Europe and further over as I sit my lonely self in the United States. Count your blessings bc at least you don't live in the States we're awful 😂 we can be opposite timezone buddies like long drawn out lovers from two forlorn families writing drawn out poetic letters to each other to be sent by snail mail as we try to survive the black plague! or you know...something like pen pals 😂

my peanut brain suffers with subbed I can't look at the animation and take in what they're saying T^T I did it with Jujutsu Kaisen when it came out and can honestly say I don't recall anything I watched bc I was reading subs. RIP this is why I have to read the mangas </3 Oh but Mob is so good!!! It's one of my favorites and my comfort animes I can't tell you how many times I've watched it?? I think like- seven times? Eight times? Easing your way into the list makes Mob Psycho a good starter. But no seriously I cannot stress it enough how much I love Fire Force. Plus cursed knowledge, English dubbed Ego is Fire Forces main character and he is a cinnamon roll of a good boy and a total 180 of Ego's character 😂 Equal parts blessed and cursed when you hear Ego being a good boy

a lot of them look dead inside but dying so hard at gagamaru being put in the dead eye category?? my wife is in love with him so now I'm dying over the dead eye thing 😂 tbh they're so many characters I still have to look back and know who's who

you will find out I can't keep my mouth shut so if you get me talking I will put in that much effort 😂 But actually sweet I'm not 25 I'm 27 (had to double check with my wife I lost track) So the five years of hairdressing isn't too out there but I did pick it up after two yrs of college when I dropped out bc US education system suuuucks. Love hair but covid made people entitled shitheads and didn't want to spend nine hours a day with jackasses to come home to a baby so I just swapped entitled costumers to an entitled baby XD

haikyuu is...cute. like- ok i dont really do slice of life animes and heavily dont do sports anime (haikyuu and blue lock are literally the only ones) but Haikyuu is definitely not the same as Blue Lock. They spend a lot of time explaining how the game works where as Blue Lock its kinda "you know how soccer works or sucks to be you" which I like bc the one thing I do get tired with haikyuu is the over explanation of things. It's a cute show though! I could only watch it once thru but its fun when you haven't watched it before

UGH IM SO WORRIED OVER WHO IS GONNA PLAY RIN I'VE BEEN CHEWING MY NAILS OVER IT- Their casting director has been so good so?? Like?? I know it'll be good but at the same time?? I'm still so worried?? I mean- They convinced me to love Ego even after knowing who his VA was (and what I watched him previously in was NOT anything like his Ego role) but still- Rin's my baby?? Rin's my little bratty temper tantrum baby i wanna smoosh?? He has to be perfect?? More so than anyone else?? Pleading with the casting gods Rin sounds good or I will sob 😭 And I'm like- Have no idea are they doing 12 episode season or a 24 episode season. I need answers T^T

pls send me Rin thirsts I can't shut the fuck up about him

[rathologic]

What are your character design ratings (P1 in contrast to P2, better or worse) for all Bound/ non-NPC Patho characters? :)

i love your ambition! but I'm limiting this to top 5 and worst 5 plus comments for my own sanity. since there are 24 Bound and a sum total of 34 named characters who appear (with model) in both games

gorkhon's 5 top superstars:

WOW this ended up biased a lot towards p1. in my defense p1 is better and has better characters with better designs haha

p1 rubin: rubin's size is important and by god did the character designers make the most of it. his leather outfit is A) unique, B) fairly practical, and C) homosexual (in a loving men way and an outcast breaking societal rules about bodies due to necessary and innate circumstances way), emphasizing how despite All That he leans into his own distinctiveness and trusts his abilities. it all contributes to a clear concept of his background and motivations- you can tell he's gone through a lot for his age, even while his head scar usually can't be seen without fly mode or parkour. special note to the animation where he raises his arm to match the medical poster on his wall... overall so so lovingly well done. (p2 rubin: to be discussed later)

p1 anna: just such a visually solid and interesting figure! her hair went through a lot of development stages and I think the blond wig deserves its final spot, both as a representation of her character & as a design capstone... I really love the texture and detail on her face it's just totally contradicted by the game saying she's 18. (p2 anna: give her shoes for God's sake. I can't abide like this. Decent coat but it obscures so much potential)

p1 andrey: perfect. the desaturated color of his long coat matches really nicely with his white clothing, and who can resist a guy with spurs. his red eyeshadow genuinely iconic for our 1 canon bisexual man. only complaint is I think his handkerchief was too hard to see in the game and could've been made more distinctive (p2 andrey: the color coordination gets soooo unbalanced with his chest out. #boyboss but it's really not fun to look at him)

both vlad jrs: the designers did an INCREDIBLE job of representing young vlad through his clothing, height, and mannerisms, as an anxious, unlikeable young man under a lot of pressure who tries to do his best while espousing deeply fucked up ideals... evidenced by the success of tai lopez vlad and the number of comments ive seen saying "he looks libertarian" this is stellar character design

p1 lara: her crying cat face... again a really coherent design, the purple/olive layered clothing is distinctive and pleasant to the eye. I especially like the embroidery as a hint of textile history in the patho setting and a reflection of the Town's gender roles. her hair's lovely and the sturdy boots are a perfect allusion to her family history & willingness to take action (p2 lara: hate looking at her :( they smoothed her face they took away her details. she has nothing distinctive except implausible hair physics)

honorable mention: marky mortel :) both designs slap but again p1 is more appealing in terms of varied, balanced color choices

gorkhon's cringe compilation:

2bin (p2 rubin): gets his own separate paragraph because I despise him. he looks bad I think it's perfectly in line with how deeply the writers fucked up his motivation and character but he loses so many points for his plastic looking bald head texture. doesn't even get to keep the scar! his eyes also get lightened 50% which is a baffling choice (although 2's engine is awful at displaying dark eyes anyhow)

p2 eva: sighing and moaning and sobbing. "this woman 'dresses' in skimpy and half-undone clothing because it adds to her appropriation of the kin's customs character" it really doesn't. concept art had a lovely nose but it's not IN the game. miserable. might I add the 3 primary colors are a nice attempt but not adequately balanced with yellow, which is jarring (p1 eva: honestly I do think her attire makes sense for her character in this one, and the gold/white color coordination is lovely. narrowly missed the top 5 bc she also needs shoes)

p1 victor: literally the most nothing man. guess you don't need a "character design" when you sit behind a desk anytime you're not being observed. kind of works with his being underestimated in the story but Man (p2 victor: yay he has visual personality now :) the details like his torn shirt add a lot, but they /are/ details that are sort of hard to catch)

p1 khan: off the top of my head I can't remember anything about how he looks, which is usually bad from a character design standpoint. he's an important figure and a leader of imaginative children, so it feels really jarring to have him in average normal clothing (p2 khan: also a big improvement! p2 did a lot with the Kain family resemblance, and his attire mirroring and diverging from his estranged father's slaps... however khan's haircut feels odd given the setting)

alpha marble nest georgiy: If You've Ever Seen Him, You Know

[ca1e70-deactivated]

a list of my entirely way too niche headcanons ive actually implemented for everyones imagination:

name options ive used and refuse to retire: david elizabeth strider (sometimes i dont feel like being a douche to others and saying thats not his name), harley davidson strider, and david james strider for the sake of simplicity

im not gonna tell yall the like. oc exes ive given him bc thatll take eighteen years. 

i dont rlly have an explanation on the ghost thing besides the fact he just can? ive occasionally pulled from family ghost stories and experiences bc i somehow got landed with family members who lived in a haunted house for a decade and enjoy scaring me with all the stories (including the time my cousin literally died on the kitchen floor from a bronchial spasm and one of the friends that was over asked my aunt later what was up with the old man she saw in the corner of the room that night - my cousin is fine btw shes just a huge bitch and a third grade teacher and i dont like her)

whether or not hes done drugs is based on absolutely nothing besides how im feeling in that moment. either hes the designated driver and sober friend forever or he got fired from his job after doing a line at work during graveyard with some random customers theres no inbetween (this absolutely happened @ waho. if dave works at waho hes a mess of a person and thats on the diner itself.)

ok look i hc dave w/schizophrenia besides when i was 14 i had a hyperfixation with learning about it and then at 16 was prescribed a medication and had side effects so wack my therapist genuinely thought 14 yr old me was onto something and its a weird way to cope with the idea that lady put in my head that i might “develop it in my twenties” which i turn 20 this year and i havent been able to stop obsessing and panicking over the prospect so PLEASE dont come in my inbox calling me ableist im not out here all harley quinn in suicide squad with the voices ok hes medicated, he goes to therapy, the hard fast delusion that lil cal was nearly sentient and informed bro of every single thing dave did no matter how asinine it was is no longer a debilitatingly affecting him ANYWAYS

i actually use the chicken/egg farming family pretty often just because its hilarious to me to give dave like. an actual mom and dad. hes literally an uncle to like three different kids he just never visits because they make fun of his skinny jeans and he hates one of his (incredibly bare-bones ocs all of them) brothers who threatened to bash his head in with a little league bat after dave broke his star wars lego set apart on accident (but not rlly) so their parents were like “why dont you stay with your brother in the big city for a lil while champ” and then they just never picked him back up? and thats on favoritism 

the other one is that his name is actually david reed and hes the middle child of a family of three who literally live the standard golden retriever white middle class life only they went to disney land or something equally as dumb one year when dave was like 6 and he wandered off so bro literally just went “huh free game” because frankly he was an idiot who thought maybe i should take this kid home because its real dangerous in parking lots and then it was too late to NOT have it seem like a kidnapping and thats why daves never had a summer job, seen his birth certificate, or gone to school. but vaguely remembers what kindergarten was like and having a pet dog and calling someone mom as a kid. 

im not making a bullet point about his sex life headcanons just use your imagination and acknowledge the fact bro essentially worked within the sex industry and i enjoy putting dave through trauma as a catharsis 

i stopped doing this one usually but if he did go to school hes been in percussion since fifth grade and played the drums in his high schools jazz band as well as various edgy teenager garage bands he likes to pretend dont have a youtube presence and that hes absolutely never been shirtless in front of plenty of his classmates because he wore a hoodie to a show like an idiot. idk occasionally ill put him in an actual band he doesnt hate but keeps separate from his lil turntechGodhead internet persona (which i will ALSO touch upon in a sec) until they wind up getting looped into a tour with some bigger named band that has a show in *insert beta kid here*’s city and hes gotta come clean solely so he can visit his online friend. sorry derseasterous thats the one time weve ever run into each other and i made him have a crush on one of his bandmates i was in my anti-daverose phase where i made dave a hoe and also didnt want to admit i still loved the ship all these years later 

i hate it so much but you know the whole vr loli trap voice shit that was popular a while ago? hes fucking baller at it for some reason. he did it as a joke while talking to bro and they both about shat their pants. if im feeling real ambitious, hes got a separate soundcloud solely dedicated to doing dumbass rap covers or making his own but in the voice under the pseudonym elizabeth “beth” davids that he will never admit is his. well, he will, but hes gonna be really fucking embarrassed about it. irony or not.

talking abt seperate soundclouds and stuff ive always had it where turntechGodhead was his like. essentially internet fucking persona facade shit he used because we all had that phase where we wanted memorable urls and stuff but also didnt want to totally ignore the nagging fear of people finding you in real life, until it turned into real life ppl finding you on the internet. so he also has basically an adjacent set of social media under the same name but its just a boring username i havent decided on so everyone he knows irl doesnt mix up with what hes made for himself as TG and the people he knows as TG dont know what highschool he goes to. (this occasionally comes with the territory of ppl on parp being pissed that daves “lying” or “hiding things” from his friends as if he was doing it out of spite instead of just keeping embarrassing tagged photos and videos from football games or when he ate shit at the skatepark from fucking with his “rap career”)

every once in a while i get on a kick where hes just german. like, i just replace houston texas with hamburg germany and have him apply to a university in whatever state is applicable for whoever im chatting with and it goes from there? sometimes he moved when he was little and went through the whole visa thing, sometimes he didnt go through the visa thing, sometimes hes a dual citizen because of family and shit, its all dependent on what suits the situation best. 

one that ive been fucking with for a while but hardly break out (until recently with like 5 roses in the span of one day hell yeah) is that he has a neighbor at the end of the hall who is like a thousand year old witch lady that hes basically adopted as his mother figure in lieu of not having one and shes totally cool with it, especially bc when she kicks the bucket she fully plans on giving dave all her occult stuff so her figure-skating coach and realtor daughter doesnt sell it at a garage sale and lets it all go to waste. she also once brought rose up by name in a conversation without any prompting of her existence which dave didnt realize for days, and then one time cryptically stopped and stared at an empty space in the wall, went “she has potential, you know.” then looked at him sitting on her kitchen counter with a smile “lots of it” and hes thought about that weekly ever since. (it is important to note one of the occult items he leaves her is literally her own personal book of shadows shes been filling out for decades its like a 600 page leatherbound book dave has no idea what its used for but the sheer amount of homemade spells and etc in it is like. gonna murder rose the second this chick gets her hands on it i promise you.)

theres the standard strife shit? im not rlly gonna get into those theyre all basically cookie cutter bullshit. its just standard bro and dave abuse talk. i like to inclulde the whole 24hr live cam up in the apartment that definitely watches dave in every room besides his own and the bathroom, but that quickly delves into the prospect of middle-aged men stalking him online and basically sexually harassing him in his own god damn home by talking about how they can see him just trying to take his shoes off in the living room after getting home and frankly? its not one of my best takes! but once you throw it into the headcanon bin, its there forever. 

he actually really does do something with his photography but not enough to warrant anything exciting, but he has his own branding for it and regularly takes pictures of his friends or anything else he thinks is moderately interesting enough to take pictures of, but those are just thrown into shoeboxes under his bed in favor of posting genuine shots because he wants to keep his image intact and blurry photos of jade smiling in the tree they climbed up together while bec paws at the base of it while whining isnt exactly something he wants the whole world to see.

i also pretty often but him into either paleontology OR i put him down as trying to become a mortician because he thinks handing roadkill once he graduated from museum giftshop specimens to doing his own taxidermy on the side has prepared him enough to perform an occasional autopsy and start embalming real human corpses. (sometimes i put my own desires in and make them his bc i have to project at some point and put him through the same EMT course i dropped out of bc it was one semester and he already has pretty decent first aid skills, but he definitely didnt expect it to be as fucking wild at times as it is, but whats he gonna do? get a job back at waffle house? the company hes working for just offered to pay like half his associates in paramedicine tuition and hes already got all his pre-recs done when he started for paleo. at least its a stable job and hes got the ability to be compassionate in the moment) 

im running out of things that ive done to the poor kid. OH 

hes not a virgin he had a girlfriend all four years of high school (shes also one of his optional and designated exes plz keep up) and their relationship ends in one of two ways: she dies in a car accident a week before their high school graduation, or she stops talking to him entirely a week after their high school graduation until a couple years later she gets into (guess what) a car accident with her current wife/girlfriend and dies which leaves behind their daughter. who just so happens to also be daves daughter. her name is hannah and i love her like my own but no one ever likes her and thats on the conditioning of dirk. does dave end up taking her in? yes. shes awesome and the first time he takes her to the park to like run off some fucking steam she disappears for two minutes and dave is moderately terrified until she comes back holding a dead baby squirrel and thats the moment he realizes huh maybe things really do be genetic.

ok at the bottom of the list im gonna add the couple of times hes been a camboy which usually coincides with the live apartment cam thing and the amount of people in his dms calling him hot or whatever, but typically its more of a started the day he turned 18 and basically dipped around 20 in favor of showing up randomly with no warning to complain about a video game dick in hand because it gives him an outlet that wont annoy his friends bc this is the fifteenth time hes had a lot to say this week about a certain boss battle and also the comments fuel his ego and daddy issues.

the last one wasnt the bottom but literally unless its explicitly proven otherwise every time anyone rps with me there is the underlying fact dave strider was a goalie on his high school lacrosse teams all four years and (shocker another one) definitely had the hots for one of his teammates like major hots like first gay experience hots. like it was painfully obvious that teammate also liked him back hots. like one night at a team sleepover one of the other guys was like can yall just makeout and get it over with were fucking tired and dave really had the balls to be offended and ask what the fuck they were talking about while literally sitting halfway in the mans lap bc for some reason they had to share the same chair. 

he is also guilty until proven innocent of being the worlds biggest loner outside of that sports team and even though hes literally a jock he still opts to eat his lunch alone in the hallway or something like that and has a tendency to leave girls on read, but bc hes got an in with the rest of the jocks hes basically drug around to plenty of parties and since hes conventionally attractive enough and popular in the aloof way that he is, hes got plenty of tagged insta posts and twitter directs and snapchat streaks going. 

THESE WERE ALL NO GAME AND DONT INVOLVE SHIPS BC I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN AND THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BASED OFF RPS IVE DONE I HOPE YALL JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY

[harryseyebrows]

give me your experience in full detail about harry’s show... i need to mentally prepare myself for msg

1. there is nothing that can prepare you for the moment he first comes on stage. its indescribable. we spend so much time on here reblogging pictures and videos and interacting with content about or surrounding harry, that you can sometimes lose touch with the actual human person who its all for and about. but when you see him, its just.... amazing. theres not a strong enough word for it. and to be in a room where everyone is feeling that way? the palpable excitement and joy?? you can feel it in your blood

2. i know this point has been exhausted by anyone and everyone, but he is truly meant to be a performer. we knew this from when he was in 1d but nothing will ever touch him being on his own. you can tell that having the band up there makes him feel more comfortable, and given how much he interacts with them and makes them a part of the show, you know that him doing his ~solo stuff~ is not about trying to hog the spotlight. he’s a self-proclaimed narcissist, but dont be fooled; harry styles is a ham but he’s not selfish or arrogant. he still needs his support group, he still needs to be able to shard a bond with the people he performs with so that he can be confident and comfortable, and try to afford them the same. he works the stage like its the only thing he’ll ever do, giving it 110% with the most genuine adoration for his audience that ive seen from anyone, ever. he doesnt just wave blindly or make grand sweeping gestures. he looks at people, really looks at people, and tries to make a connection with individual people in a room full of thousands. im pretty sure if he had the time to do that with every single person, he would. he’s chatty and loves to joke, talking to people like theyre old friends, and just for a moment, he turns the dynamic between fan and celebrity on its head. he’s hardly ever still, moving and bopping along like he’s in his own little world, but that world also happens to house the audience and everyone else in the room. youre standing there, 1 of thousands of people, and you can feel like youre one-on-one with him. he’s just incredibly personable and good-natured. and then when he’s not being a professional nice young man, he’s exploding with energy and utilizing the entire stage and all of his limbs. ‘born for it’

3. he’s so funny. he’s goofy and charming and not afraid to be weird or awkward, and its just really admirable, to see him up there, clearly having a great time, laughing and smiling. i loved seeing the more ~private~ moments between him and the band, if anything can be considered private when performing. but he’s constantly grinning at them and making faces, sharing silent jokes or saying things in passing that we cant hear. and of course, you never quite know whats gonna come out of his mouth next when he spots someone or something that earns his attention from the audience. he pokes fun at people but he also pokes fun at himself. it’s just nice. comfortable, even, when he talks to people from the crowd. if youre in the back and out of range for what he can see, and he can make you feel like the only two people there, i cant even begin to imagine what it must be like when he has his laser beam focus on you, directly. 

4. his voice is incredible. all of the little runs and ad-libs that he does are great. i remember reading a quote from a while ago, when he was still in 1d, and someone had said that harry has a great ear and that harmonies and other such things come really easy to him. and i always think about that when i hear him sing live, whether in concert or in a video. the tone quality of his voice is so beautiful, even when its being amplified to crazy decibels. you can tell he puts his whole heart and soul into every song he sings, whether its a slow one like mmith or the absolute banger that is kiwi. and its so fun to hear his renditions of old 1d songs -- the arrangements are so good and its so nice to hear those songs with just his voice. sott is still just That Song™ and hearing it live is something that stays with you forever. 

5. THE OUTFIT. when the screen went up, i was so excited to simply see him that i wasnt even thinking about ‘oh what is he wearing’ until about 5 minutes in when i realized that i was no other than harris reed. harry has always marched to the beat of his own drum, and we’ve poked fun at his fashion sense for years, from the toe-revealing brown boots, to the double plaid button downs. and it wasnt really until the white gucci floral suit that, in my opinion, he started to really come out of his fashion shell in a big, loud, in your face way. its been so interesting to watch him experiment over the years with different trends, different styles, different vibes, etc. but now he’s still just as adventurous, if not MORE, but in a really refined and arguably more cohesive way. because while all of his outfits are different and wild, the unpredictability and diversity make up a category all on their own; they common thread among them is that they’re all so unique. and while we might not like every single look or every single suit, no one can deny that he’s going out there and putting his own stamp on the men’s fashion world. look at the number of little boys who adore him and put on printed suits to be like him. what he’s doing matters. and he looks so comfortable and so in his element when he’s on stage, wearing whatever flowy or glitter ensemble thats on the docket for that evening, prancing around and looking like he doesnt have in care in the world that his trousers are flared and he has a giant silky bow around his neck. i love that he appreciates new and adventurous designs, and it really pays tribute to his character that he supports different designers, like harris reed, whos still in school and is getting the recognition he deserves, 100% on his own merit but also because harry helped boost his platform. harry is doing his own thing, doing the whole glitz and glamour performance thing, but none of it feels cheap or over the top. its just right and really reflects his personality and style. go on with ur bad self, harry.

6. the butt. what can i say? its now an element of the show. she’s plump and proud. he worked hard to get her where she is and she deserves to be showed off. like two beautiful melons draped in fabric, whether it be a solid color, black, a print, or glitter. she does it all. and she does it well. AND shes au natural. no fat transfers here. just smooth, firm but also pleasantly supple, muscle and butt meat. surely youve heard of all you can eat buffets, but his butt takes it to a whole new level. that is a multi-course meal and then some. the glass of water you have when you wake up in the morning, parched and in need of something to help your dry mouth; breakfast, something healthy but still delicious... some thick maple and brown sugar oatmeal; lunch, a perfectly toasted grilled cheese with tomato soup; dinner, some top sirloin steak because you need some MEAT, accompanied by potatoes and another less starchy vegetable, perhaps a green bean?; dessert, cake of course. and all the snack in between. delicious. 

[samingtonwilson]

Marriage Material - Part 22 - Jim Kirk

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 / Part 18 / Part 19 / Part 20 / Part 21

Summary: in this chapter, you swear to God.

Warnings: language, lil angsty

A/N: sorry this took so long! my mental health’s been slippin’

Jim carried his tension in his shoulders and carried his guilt in his back. He carried his exhaustion in the dark bags under his eyes and carried his anxiousness in the tips of his fingers. He carried his sadness in the drooping corners of his lips, in the crevices of his stomach that flipped intermittently, in the deepest parts of his chest that ached far too often and carried the love that was ruining him everywhere else.

It was a red feeling and it burned in his every vein. It made it tough for him to eat, it made it difficult for him sleep, it made it impossible for him to do anything other than go through the motions he was required by job description to follow.

He would see you in the corridors every now and then and the red feeling would scorch deeper. He had to resist the urge to scream an apology each time and had to resist the even stronger urge to scream an “I love you” each time.

His eyes would follow you, though, and he did nothing else. He would look longingly after you with his lips forcefully shut, his hands forcefully clenched into fists, his heartbeat forcefully knocking against your ribcage— but he did nothing else.

Because he did love you— he loved you so goddamn much it was almost crippling.

Crippling because his love for you ran so deep and had run so deep for so long that he couldn’t stand the idea of not giving you what you wanted. Crippling because what you wanted was space. Crippling because what you wanted was space from him.

He kept himself far away from everywhere he knew you’d be— you did want space, after all. As such, he avoided the senior officers lounge, avoided the observation deck right above his ready room, avoided the far back right corner of the commissary, and avoided the medbay to the best of his abilities. He would only walk through the doors leading to stark white walls, rows of biobeds, and blue uniforms when Leonard practically forced him to have a drink.

He didn’t expected you to come searching for him, nor did he expect you to pass a message through Leonard or Uhura that would eventually find its way to him.

He just hoped for that.

He hoped you would show up outside the quarters you once shared with him, features as soft and mesmerizing as the last time he’d seen you, and would say with the most thin sheen of tears over your eyes, “Jim, I love you. Let’s talk about this.”

But he knew that wouldn’t happen.

So he hoped you would ask Leonard or Uhura to tell him that you loved him and wanted to speak to him.

But he knew that wouldn’t happen either.

He sat in Leonard’s office, in Leonard’s large chair with his feet atop the desk, legs crossed at the ankle. He held a glass filled a third of the way with whiskey at his eye level, narrowing his eyes as the auburn liquid. He then smiled, small and genuine, as he repeated something you said to him the last time he saw you drunk, “If alcohol was actually intoxicating, the bottles would sway, too.”

“What?”

He shook his head at Leonard who stood with a questioning gaze at the agape doorway. “You coaxed me into coming here only to have me drink alone. I could’ve done that in the comfort of my own quarters.”

“S’the first step towards alcoholism. Drinking in your home alone.”

Jim frowned in consideration. “I always thought the first step was genetic predisposition.”

Leonard snorted, shaking his head once. “Listen, I hate to do this to you but we just got a full swarm of red shirts in— some sorta jefferies tube collapse. You might be here by yourself for a while.”

“Do what you have to, Bones. No need to feel guilty on my account.”

“Don’t feel guilty at all, Jim. Just thought I should notify you before you scream abandonment.”

Jim mouthed Leonard’s words back to him imitatively and very childishly before waving his hand dismissively. He was a grown man. He didn’t need constant supervision and a real father of a best friend. He could be alone for a few moments, he would just need a distraction.

He began scrolling absentmindedly through his PADD, opening his messages to Spock to maybe irritate the Vulcan.

He shook his head to himself and decided against it, draining what remained in his glass only to fill it once again.

He then opened his thread with you, smiling immediately at the last incoming message dated nearly two weeks ago.

I know you’re drinking with Len tonight for some manly men sharing their feelings time but I love, want, and need you so please cancel on him.

He couldn’t believe how fast he’d canceled those plans— he hadn’t even given Leonard a chance to protest— and he knew he would do it just as quickly again.

He tossed the PADD back down after he typed out I miss you thirteen times only to delete it thirteen times, the tablet clattering against the desk’s surface.

With a sigh, his head fell back against the edge of the chair’s backrest. His eyes slipped shut.

There was a loud laugh just outside the door that prompted him to pick his head up, his heart leaping to his throat as he strained his hearing.

“I look amazing, Chapel. And not just for someone that hasn’t slept in forty-eight hours,” you quipped, your voice growing louder and closer until you raced to Leonard’s doorway— it was open so you assumed the doctor was in.

Taking hold of the doorframe so the momentum of your quick steps didn’t carry you too far, you sighed out with your eyes still on your PADD. “Len, I was reading so someone better be dying—”

You stopped speaking when you looked up, meeting a delicate blue gaze which was simultaneously too far and too close. You felt something lodge itself in your throat.

Though it’d only been three days since he’d caught even a fleeting glance, he could’ve sworn you’d gotten more beautiful, far more enchanting. He swallowed thickly. “Jefferies tube accident.”

You nodded, there was sandpaper where your larynx used to be. “Okay.”

“Bones is out there.”

You nodded again. “Aye, Captain.”

And you were gone— no smile, no matter how momentary, pulled at your lips like the foolishly hopeful part of him had wished and searched for.

“Fuck,” he groaned loudly, an ironic laugh falling from his lips as his head fell back once more.

As you snapped gloves onto your hands and picked up a handheld dermal regenerator, you made a face at Leonard. “You couldn’t have told me he would be in your office?”

“Who would be in my office?”

You smiled sarcastically, sitting before an ensign with a few minor cuts and bruises on her arms. “You-know-who is in your office, Len— drinking alone, which I think is the first sign of alcoholism.”

“It is,” the ensign replied, her voice soft and timid. She had a small smile over her pink lips when you glanced at her, mousy brown hair a mess from what you assumed was quite the usual engineering fiasco. “It is the first sign.”

You motioned towards her when you looked at Leonard once again. “See?”

He peered at you from the corner of his eye, pausing in his movements for a moment as he sat atop a stool before another red shirt. “Didn’t know you were suddenly concerned about him.”

“I’m concerned about everyone— I’m a doctor, I took an oath to be concerned about everyone’s health in general.”

“Yeah? Not about him in particular?”

You shook your head silently.

“Is he talking about the captain?” the ensign before you nearly whispered, leaning towards you as she spoke. Her eyebrows were raised and she wore another smile. “Is Dr. McCoy talking about Captain Kirk?”

You met Leonard’s gaze before meeting hers again. You shrugged.

“Are you two fighting?” she asked, eyes wide before gasping out, “Are you splitting up?”

You shook your head. “No one’s splitting up, we’re just fighting.”

“You are?” Leonard inquired loudly, smirking as he wrapped gauze around his patient’s ankle. “Might wanna tell Jim that, sugar— he’s awfully concerned this is permanent.”

When you were certain she was no longer looking, you made a face at Leonard with gritted teeth. “I’m gonna let him sweat it out.”

“He’ll be dehydrated soon with low long you’re lettin’ him sweat it out.”

“Then start him on an IV and stop pushing it,” you pressed, narrowing your eyes. “I’m done here. Anything else the nurses and other doctors could do for you that you need from me, Doctor? I did work alpha and beta so it’s not like I’m that tired.”

“Cut the attitude.”

“Cut the child-of-divorce act.”

“Divorce?” the ensign gasped, grey eyes wide when you looked her way. “You are splitting up!”

“It’s an expression,” you explained, scowling. “We aren’t getting a divorce, Doctor McCoy is just acting like we already have.”

“You’re actin’ like you already have.” Leonard twisted in his stool to face the ensign, his patient hobbling off. “Hasn’t even told him she loves him for days.”

Another gasp from the ensign and you rolled your eyes with a heavy sigh. “Len, I swear to God,” you nearly shouted in frustration, rising from your stool and handing off your dermal regenerator and PADD to the nurse behind you.

You stormed past every remaining red shirt, of which there weren’t many, and ignored the curious looks you received. Stepping into Leonard’s office, you slammed your hand down on the control panel beside the door and spun around to meet Jim’s wide eyes.

“Are you—”

“I thought you were going to give me time,” you said as you crossed your arms over your chest. Though it sent your heart into your stomach to even look at him, you kept your eyes on him and didn’t let your gaze waver— you needed to keep your resolve.

His eyebrows came together and you found yourself memorizing the crease on his forehead. “I have been.”

“Really?” you laughed without humor. “You think by not speaking to me but sending Len to do your bidding, you’re giving me time?” You nodded upwards, trying not to focus too long on the droop of his lips, the wetness of his eyes, the tension in his posture. “You think by having him talk about you, praise you, and make it seem like I’m in the wrong, you’re giving me time?”

“I didn’t tell him to do any of that,” he argued, setting his glass down and standing up so you could commit even his movements to memory. “I told him to leave you be.”

When you asked with a sarcastic snort, “You sure, Jim?” he found himself disliking the sound of his name in your voice for the first time. “Because I’ve never heard or seen propaganda quite like that.”

“Propagan—” he sighed out with a chuckle under his breath, he took a few steps towards you. “I wouldn’t ask him to say or do something to propagate myself, not when I feel like everything—” he sighed again. “Not when everything’s my fault.”

“You should know me better than that,” he added quietly, finally able to tear his eyes away from the horribly fallen look in yours.

“How can I know anything about you, Jim? For all I know, all of that giving me time, giving me space, giving me what I want could just be another way you manipulate me.” You looked away as well, wiping the skin under your eyes harshly. “Why should I believe anything you say to me anymore?”

“Because you know me, because it was a mistake, because I love you!”

“This isn’t how you love someone!” you shouted back, your voice cracking. “You should’ve told me— if not that morning, then any time after. You had so many opportunities.”

“Why would I have thought to do that? You would’ve—”

“I would’ve, what?” you asked, sniffling and wishing you hadn’t met his gaze again. “Said no? You could’ve just told me how you felt. I liked you a lot— it wouldn’t have taken much to convince me to go on a date.”

“You never gave me any indication of that.”

“That doesn’t give you the right to lie to get what you want.”

He nodded and took another step in your direction, continuing to do so as you both spoke. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“I know I’m right, I don’t need confirmation.” You almost smiled at his quiet snort. “You lied to me.”

“I know.”

“You don’t lie to people you love.”

“I know.”

“I’ve been heartbroken for two weeks,” you continued, shaking your head. “I haven’t been able to sleep, or eat, or breathe.”

He was right in front of you now, his warmth forcing the restlessness in your fingers to cease. “Neither have I.”

Your nostrils flared and you bit down on your bottom lip when another wave washed over you, your eyes welling up. Before you could help yourself, you fell into Jim and wrapped your arms around him. “Yeah, well, it was your fault.”

His arms wound around you instantly, holding you tight enough to knock the air from your lungs. He turned his face to bury it in the crook of your neck, the tension leaving his shoulders when your arms tightened. “I know.”

You sighed out and let your eyes shut when a soft tingle slid up your spine.

“I didn’t mean to manipulate you. I just couldn’t stand the idea of losing whatever chance I had with someone I’m so in love with.”

You nodded. “You still should have told me. Would’ve saved us from whatever this is.”

“I know.”

“I hate my new quarters.”

He laughed through his nose, this thumbs moving out of sync against the fabric of your uniform. “Move back.”

“I can’t.”

He pulled away and set his hands on either side of your face, his thumbs now gliding across your cheekbones. His blue eyes seemed to be pouring whatever he felt into you and you looked away before it became too much. “Why not?”

“Because I’m not doing this backwards nonsense anymore if I don’t have to.”

“Starlight, —”

You took a step back and away so his hands were by his side again. “I can’t be married to you anymore.”

PART 23

tag list: @feelmyroarrrr @to-pick-ourselves-up-7@star-trekkin-across-theuniverse @webhoard @dirajunara @the-space-goddess-16@whiteandblackkeys @sugarshai @goodnightwife @anyakinamidala @iwillstaywiththemforever @majisean @bbparker @heyjess-marie@kirkaholic123@thepjofanqueen@buckybuckling@da1120 @dudahmautner@purelittleblueberry @insposcollective@our-chaoticwhispers@procrastinace @misbehaving146@thenextdoorangel @equineaddictx @sarkastodon@20th-centu-fairy-girl @arrowswithwifi @king4thesirens @theycallmerian @bakerstgirl @jehun-prouvaire @dwarvenstache@buckypetal15 @boldlywritingtrek @klance-mcclain @curiositywillbethedeathofme @kruemelmonszter-blog

[pokefanbri]

I got in touch with my 1st love a couple months ago..hes a half native American & white dude, pretty pudgy now like triple the size of himself in middle school lol. Doesn't have much time left on this earth I feel for him, im glad I know now cause if I hadn't it probably would've been alot more devastating. Doesnt have to wear a mask cuz really whats the point. We met for coffee, got to hang out at the mall & he visited my work, we did talk & clear the air..got some things out that were left unsaid & i gotta say it really did help & we're better for it 😊 we're now cool & no hard feelings.

We used to be on & off in hs but the last time I broke it off with him for good reasons & also due to my mother 😒 If it weren't for him & our own experiences, & then every guy since...I would've have known how much I really love or attached I can be to someone (which has been all of them really but does disintegrate over time & going into new relationships they become just a distant memory as the yrs go by & then ur all about the new guy 🤔 basically right) or how unattached I can get when I just dont love them anymore...(of which has only happened twice)

For the record I've had 5 relationships my whole life...not counting flings..out of 2 they broke up with me.. & they so happen to be the ones i fell hard & fast for...its a common theme but they are the best ones I've experienced & I think I have a confirmed type now that I think about it lol. Im thinking too much again, but..they're top tier unforgettable.

I fell damn fucking hard this time around just like I did Thomas..don't think I got enough of him either...😤 seriously wtf is it with these charming & hilarious, headstrong, smart ass, string bean, stoner, Leo men fucking my heart up after only a few months time! What is the universe trying to tell me! I swear to God in another lifetime they would've been friends its an incredible likeness. History repeated itself it seems..I was so in love with him too, we were only 19 but omg he was awesome & we were ALL OVER EACHOTHER 🤤. He was my coworker, a red headed skinny bobblehead tho, & lived in my apt complex his best friend Danny boy did too in his own, hard core Call of Duty players I remember they high jacked my tv for optimum experience...😒 walking the tv across the parking lot was super sketchy looking lol.

Anyway after Thomas broke up with me for saying the L word "too soon" it freaked him out I guess & my brain cracked from the devastation...doctors are convinced it was the weed 😒 and apparently I ODd on Tylenol...crock of bs btw but whatever...i couldn't sleep & for days I was in a haze til I finally called my aunt for help & all of a sudden I was locked away in a psych ward for 2 weeks so they could observe what was wrong & diagnose me. Had to quit pima college & stop working, put everything on hold for my health. After I came back, Tom admitted he wanted me back but he hated my 1st love with a passion. I confessed I was back with my 1st as he was there at my side & visiting..when Tom had no idea where tf I was, me missing worried him sick. I had no clue & for all I knew he forgot about me while I was grieving over us in the hospital (I couldn't have my phone..knew a select few #s by heart otherwise he would've been the 1st I'd call), I was still dazed & super fucked up from the hospital..just outright exhausted when Thomas came to my apartment wanting to try again....yea I messed that up though regretfully. I told him the truth...I know it hurt him, hurt me too. Never saw Thomas again 😔 he was my 2nd, wonder how he is.

After I broke up with my 1st there was like a 1 or 2 month relationship with a fat Irish dude named Patrick I met from college, he insulted my mom..kicked his ass the curb 😂 yea she chased him away too just like my 1st...but an Irish version..was kinda a deadbeat anyway good riddance. I was alone for about 5 years after that til eventually met my ex-husband matt & was with him for technically 7 years & then that ended.

Long story short I was hit with another love bomb over the past year (T2.0 lol) & the fallout is taking forever to disapate lol...well good technically I don't want it to yet lmao, it feels good to love someone with a full heart except for the fact they ain't here 😔

I love genuinely & with a full heart, ive never had a problem with love, except for my abusive mother I sought approval for....never have I been with someone that didnt want it...didn't want me, until him. If someone shows that to me in a relationship it hurts me at the roots, u don't understand how much it brings out that little girl that just wants to be loved back..to be wanted. It hurts to think im not even worth that. I realize though that he may have his own issues to get past first b4 he can learn to give it back & its not my fault. I should on some things honestly but I don't blame him..not anymore. I blame my own trauma that made me so fucking sensitive & off-putting to him, going from 1 relationship to another without healing first, & not knowing how to function walking on eggshells around a new person trying not to piss them off...not knowing how to do a fresh relationship from the start again....when you've been with 1 person prior for 7 yrs.

I grew up being beaten as a kid, I have no father, my mother chose drugs over her own children, everybody in my family arent like a hallmark card far from it...its fucking tucson ok it's a hell hole. A good amount are notorious for causing trouble around the city, nobody talks to eachother..stays away & fends for themselves, or just killing themselves with drugs & selfishly hurting people around them. Very few of us are really trying to make it out & create life for ourselves but it's really hard to escape because we're all struggling. I cry because I've been strong for way too long on my own, I cry when I think im not good enough. Besides some relationships & friendships along the way for support guess who's always taken care of herself to survive, yours truly. It's a huge accomplishment that I've never been homeless, only a couple times have I had to rely on a friend or family member for a roof over my head & that was just 2020-2021,boy is it good to have connections during a pandemic phew, alot more tough to find someone willing to help. My big sis Lisa, my mentor assigned to me at 12 yrs old cuz my mom couldn't be a real parent lol...she says im a strong princess thats gone through hell & back, she's seen me do it countless times, she can attest to how much of a boss & survivor I am...she knows I deserve nothing but to be appreciated,respected, valued. I'm underestimated all the time because apparently people think they can read what kinda person I am just by looking at me or by word of mouth, hell no very doubtful screw u lol... i don't need anybody's belittling opinions of what kind of person I am ok, how about talk to me & ill see if u in the ballpark lol cuz I guarantee im a boss ass goody 2 shoes that can kick butt 😊. So listen here, I know my worth & I deserve a prince to keep me safe from the big bad world right? I need an actual shoulder to cry on not someone that'll walk away when I need them most 😔 Why tf do I feel like rapunzel & all I get is fuckin Flynn 😂 I'm a queen ok, hear me now.

This will be my 3rd own rented apartment. The 1st time I was a teen & imancipated...had that place for a few years 1st & 2nd love era, 2nd time was the escape from my mother as an adult & I moved away eventually got married. And now at another turning point in my life... escaping a very different hell & losing pretty much everything including the man that started it all, 3rd time is the charm right. Fuck my life sidewinder style. Honestly this is the best apartment complex I've found that I want as my home....its gated nothing can touch me from outside unless I say so, so at least im secure to a point.

Why am I talking and not sleeping 😐 I'm tired, it's 5am now. Yeaaaaa I'm done 💤

[jasonblossomsghost]

0-44 please :)

0: Heighti’m 5′3 :)

1: Age182: Shoe sizeUS men’s 5, US women’s 6-7 (if anyone wants to buy me some new adidas i like the white and black classics)3: Do you smoke?my asthmatic ass? i think not4: Do you drink?nope5: Do you take drugs?i’ve considered it but nah6: Age you get mistaken fordepends but usually 13-15 7: Have tattoos?ya i got a temporary one on my shoulder its lit8: Want any tattoos?in the future probably but idk i dont like the idea of permanence

9: Got any piercings?not even my ears10: Want any piercings?not really. im not a fan of jewelry11: Best friend?her name is mady and i love her12: Relationship statussingle but with a toxic pissbaby clinging to my leg13: Biggest turn onspassion, talent, thermodynamic equilibrium/always warm (im a cold hoe), funny, smart, honest, loyal, etc etc14: Biggest turn offsexcessive jealousy (like a lil jealousy can be cute but if ur up my ass constantly i feel like u dont trust me ygm?), dishonesty, codependency, infidelity15: Favorite movieScott Pilgrim vs. The World16: I’ll love you if...you’re nice to me and hold my hand17: Someone you missnot to be gay but i havent seen mady in like a week so i miss her a lil bit18: Most traumatic experiencemy first memory is a grown man almost suffocating me so probably that lmao19: A fact about your personalityi’m a fucking disaster but at peace with it20: What I hate most about myselfi don’t value my own needs as much as i should21: What I love most about myselfmy sense of humor tbh. multiple people have told me theyve gotten funnier just being around me and it makes me feel good22: What I want to be when I get olderi plan on being a lawyer but i just wanna be financially stable, in love, and happy23: My relationship with my sibling(s)i’ve got 7 lmao. my relationship with my oldest sister is nonexistent, with the second oldest sister its just awkward, my older brother is a nazi so i fkn hate him, i constantly fight with my sister whos a year older, i parent my little sister while she calls me a bitch/cunt/twat, and i dont have a relationship with my two younger brothers24: My relationship with my parent(s)dont have one with my dad. my mom and i have a Not So Good relationship where she yells at me for no reason then feels guilty but instead of saying sorry just lets me leave the house25: My idea of a perfect datei havent been on a date in so long honestly someone take me out but anyway, breakfast at my favorite restaurant (its a vegan/gluten free place and ya boi has a lot of food intolerances but it also has really beautiful art and a garden) then going to a museum or my favorite bookstore. also maybe a park at some point?? idk if i love the person they could take me grocery shopping and id be happy26: My biggest pet peeveslying, cheating (on partners, not tests), and people who dont understand personal space27: A description of the girl/boy I likei could describe the person i unfortunately like but ill discuss him in 28 so have a description of the boy i have a small crush on instead. his name is Sam and hes super nice??? and smart??? and really funny??? but also so talented at music like the second i heard him sing i was in Love. i made him a present (it was just a dumb joke not like an actual present) on the last day of the semester and he decided to skip that day. i texted him and he deadass showed up to school just for me??? i was honestly dazed for the rest of the day28: A description of the person I dislike the mostlike i said, i unfortunately like him. hes at least borderline emotionally abusive and generally makes me feel shitty. hes hot tho /:29: A reason I’ve lied to a friendi’ve been trying to be really honest but ?? maybe so they wont worry about me?? idk30: What I hate the most about work/schooljust the stress tbh31: What my last text message says“be busy during that time” (from Mady about avoiding the guy from 28)32: What words upset me the mosthonestly just anything thats needlessly negative??? like idk life is too short to be an asshole the whole time33: What words make me feel the best about myselfwhen anyone compliments me tbh like if youve ever complimented me i love you34: What I find attractive in womentheir smiles and eyes and just how nice they are??? they always look cute?? and its fucking magical?? fuck dude girls are amazing. also like physically i appreciate nice thighs tbh like,,, damn35: What I find attractive in menwith guys tbh if they can make me laugh and are genuinely nice people im !! if they give nice hugs its a bonus. also its stereotypical af but tall boys are So Nice (like everyones tall to me tho so im not talking strictly 6 ft+)

36: Where I would like to liveCali maybe?? idk just a place where i feel safe being who i am37: One of my insecuritiesuntil July i was overweight like my whole life and recently ive been gaining and losing weight like crazy so just how much i weigh i guess?? idk like i Know it doesnt matter but it Does38: My childhood career choicei wanted to be a teacher or psychologist39: My favorite ice cream flavorprobably birthday cake tbh40: Who I wish I could behonestly i just wanna be me but happy41: Where I want to be right nowat a park maybe with a nice human42: The last thing I atefruit snacks43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediatelyLaverne Cox44: A random fact about anythinguh i keep a poetry journal that i write in almost daily

[thespacebetweenus2017kenya]

Present and Available

Cross of our hope, 

And tree of our salvation, 

Sown in our land, 

And spread near and far, 

Life giving fruit, 

Our portion and our promise, 

Ave Crux! Spes Unica! 

I heard these lyrics coming from the chapel on Saturday (5/20). My heart skipped a beat. These lyrics are ones that always remind me of my most cherished community at Saint Mary’s College. I can picture my friends sitting in the pews of LeMans Chapel four years ago with Father John at the altar. No matter where or when, these lyrics summon my heart’s favorite tune and transport me “home”. This weekend, the same melody led me into a colorful chapel decorated with stained glass windows. I was at the Holy Cross Community of priests and brothers in Kenya. 

I stood in the back listening to this choir as they harmoniously swayed back and forth. When they noticed my presence, they stopped the music and invited me to join them. I was stunned by their invitation with no desire to interrupt their rehearsal. However, I was quickly overwhelmed with a sense of belonging and soon found myself swaying with them. The rehearsal of music was to prepare for the final vows of three men; two of whom would become priests and one who would vow to be a brother. I was there in support of my classmate, the newly ordained Brother Morris; a man characterized by his soft smile and genuine nature who is described as, “Quiet but wise." 

To mark the beginning of the day, Morris processed in with his family who had traveled from Uganda for the occasion. The men wore clean, black suits while the women modeled bright over sized gowns dazzled with sequins that were tied with large cloth belts. Mass followed the procession with Father Patrick Neary (District Superior of East Africa) presiding. Mid-mass, the three men took the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. It was a powerful demonstration of faith to witness. 

Perhaps most remarkable was when they prostrated themselves to God during the ceremony, symbolizing their dedication to Christ through Holy Cross. When Morris was called upon before his vows, he declared, “I am present and available”…such simple words yet strangely profound. 

Years ago, Morris was drawn to the Holy Cross community while working on a banana plantation. During the work day, he always saw priests and brothers walking towards mass. He had a desire to be with them. This led him to begin formation. Father John, my CPE supervisor, told our class this week, "Our desires define what we do.” Morris took ownership of his desires by being present and available to the work of God in his life. 

The remainder of Saturday was spent celebrating those desires with large buffets, endless Fanta, and the Holy Cross community. I spent a large portion of my day laughing with a group of children. 

Much to my surprise, two Sisters of the Holy Cross from Uganda were in attendance. One of these women graduated a year after me from Saint Mary’s and we had classes together. Reuniting face to face in Kenya was a surreal experience. I truly believe divine providence led me to this community. As we sat under a white tent listening to African music selected by the DJ, I shared my own Holy Cross story with my new friends and they said, “You belong.” I grow more and more grateful for my Saint Mary’s education as I am reminded that discovery continues as an alumnae and community transcends borders. 

Prior to the weekend, my CPE classmates and I finished our first week of orientation. This included lessons on patient records, goal planning, and verbatim exercises which simultaneously induced anxiety and excitement. When class let out on Friday (5/19), Francis, Sharon, Benedetta and I found ourselves at the market to purchase produce for the week ahead. On the way, we dropped Francis’ car off at the “car wash,” an open area of land where we found an older man hunched over a bucket. I mention this experience because after we returned, this same man greeted us at the car. Our shoes and feet were muddy from the walk through the market. This man washed each of our feet with his soapy rag. I did not feel worthy as he stroked my feet and looked up at me with his dark brown eyes. Reflecting on Jesus washing the feet of his disciples, this moment of love and purity revealed the face of Christ to me. It also reminded me that simple places like a car wash reveal love if we are present and available to it. 

I found a similar love today (5/27) at Nairobi Hospital. Francis and I began our morning there for mass with the patients. It was an intimate setting with just three of us present. Afterwards, I joined patients in the children’s ward for Sunday school which is held once a month in Saint Mary’s Ward atrium. Being in the midst of sick children is hard; however, their jubilant energy for life diminishes their illness. Their small voices sang while their bodies danced and the only reminder that we were at the hospital was their blue gowns and IV catheters secured to their tiny hands. 

Rogers is a tall man who is passionate about education and children. He is responsible for implementing Sunday school each month. While speaking to him after, he recalled a group of 20 children who taught him about life. These children were in a bus accident on the way to a school field trip. This resulted in most of the children undergoing amputations due to the severity of the crash. Despite their pain, they always came to Sunday school with innocence and happiness. Rogers recalled the difficulties of this but the life lessons he gained by encountering these children. 

In the midst of serving the Sunday school kids breakfast, I met Phillip, an Anglican chaplain who works at Nairobi Hospital. He invited me to join him on his rounds around the hospital. This experience was profound and life giving by meeting 6 different patients. Their stories are sacred or as Father John describes, “Holy ground.” In the sharing of their suffering, Phillip told them, “I hear you. I hear you.” I witnessed the gift of Phillip being present and available. As we debriefed our day together, Phillip told me, “What you have seen today are patients with concealed pain. When you start at Kenyatta, you will see naked pain; a pain that is extreme.” This induces both anxiety and excitement when I reflect on those words. I am becoming more and more aware though that hospital chaplaincy provides an opportunity to be present and available. I hope that I can do those simple words justice. 

As I begin another week of CPE tomorrow, I turn to those words that echoed through the Holy Cross community on Saturday: Cross of Our Hope. It is the Spirit of the Cross that gives me courage and calls me to be present and available. 

Ave Cruz! Spes Unica!

[obduratemoon]

Sedimentary City 07: MEDICINE MAN

From the high precipice of a mountain he looked down and far away there in the shadowed plains an army with grey standards fluttering in the wind, the people small and many like ants. Amongst them were catapults that rolled themselves by some dark magic with men, bound and blindfolded, sitting in the ladle like buckets waiting for the moment when they should be sent towards their parabolic terminus.

Consciousness crept in slowly and cautiously on gentle cat paws. Was he still in the dream of catapults and men? In the penumbra of closed eyes, he tried to investigate the hypostasis of his awareness and could not tell if it ended in reality or illusion. He slowly willed his heavy lids to open.

It took Jan a long time to comprehend his situation but with time he came to understand that he was in a hospital bed, the thick tube of an IV running into one arm, the other firmly strapped and secured to the railings. He felt a pang of panic as he recalled the events that led him here, a chill that was, however, blunted by a certain distance of sensation. It rolled in slowly and in waves like some far off reverberation. Morphinated and sedated he lay there oddly comfy given the circumstances, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped in a familiar duvet or sunk deep into the ground, buried and forgotten already.

He knew that he was good and fucked and needed to escape, but it proved difficult to motivate himself. Jan tried to turn over the pistons of cogitation, but his mind remained placid and happily paralyzed, jellied as aspic. The white noise in his brain was soft and gentle, a richly layered tapestry of susurrations and hisses which frustrated and covered any attempt at melody. Jan tried a meditative practice but the thick fog yet remained whole and unrent. He relented and found peace in that noisily anechoic place.

Jan fell into a troubled, doubting sleep and woke up to see an old man with a shock of grey hair and a white doctor’s coat worrying all around him. Half lidded, he listened for a long time to the sounds of the man shuffling about and muttering to himself. Finally, the old man turned towards Jan and, upon seeing that the patient was awake, said: “Ah, you’re finally up. How are you feeling?”

Jan replied with a half hearted shrug. “Tired,” he said, the action of speaking felt odd and constrained. Yes, there is definitely something wrong, he thought. His tongue felt heavy and sticky, a giant alien worm in his mouth.

“Well that’s to be expected, you took quite a beating, although nothing that won’t heal in time.”

“Yes, time,” Jan replied quietly.

Everything in the room indicated that he was in an antiquated hospital. On Level 1 he would have been fully enclosed in a Health-Suit, one arrayed with a variety of instruments inside taking measurements that fed into a Homeostasis Engine, a unit of computation which would calculate his care. The suit could distribute nanobots, fluids, and medicine as well as massage parts of his body to stimulate blood and lymph flow. It also had collection manifolds for urine, feces, pus and other drippings from wounds and orifices. One hardly saw doctors face to face anymore on Level 1.

“Ah, but the silver lining is that your insurance is good," the doctor said with a tired but irascible expression, “really fine! As to be expected from someone from Level 1 -- you’re very lucky! I’ve got the morphine flow set on high, only the best alkaloids!”

“Actually, I was wondering if you could turn it down, I would rather be more lucid.” Jan replied, trying not to sound ungrateful.

“Huh, what’s that? You want to turn it down? You’ll regret it when your muscles start to spasm.”

“Spasm?”

The doctor’s brows furrowed subtly and he moved closer to the bed to face Jan. “Your jaw’s been split in two, right down the middle.” The doctor pointed two fingers at Jan and then made a slicing motion sagittally bisecting the wounded head. “My guess is that it happened when you fell on your face. Or maybe it was from the beating you got, who knows? Did someone mistake your head for a football?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Ah, just as well, I doubt it was a pleasant memory.” The old doctor moved over to the IV machine and inspected its display panel, nodding approvingly while murmuring to himself: “Uh-huh uh-huh, well these look ok.”

Once satisfied with the instrument readings, he turned to Jan,  “So, anyhow, the two sides of your jaw are now all shifted and skewed like tectonic plates -- you know what a tectonic plate is?”

“Yes.”

“Ah ok, not everyone does, a lot of people think all that’s underneath is just another lousy level. They aren’t even aware of Earth much less anything deeper. But who can blame them? Most people never leave their level. I guess you aren’t one of those people, huh?” 

The doctor looked at Jan who merely stared back mutely. Getting no response, he continued, “The two sides of your lower jaw are like those tectonic plates now and your muscles aren’t used to having them moving and shifting, so they spasm, hard mind you, trying to put your face back together. It’s sort of like earthquakes on your face!”

“Huh.” No wonder his mouth felt strange, Jan thought. He tongued his lower incisors and noticed now that they seemed to be misaligned, one side subducted inwards, the normally smooth curve of his teeth broken by this rude discontinuity. He was struck by how unrecognizable and unfamiliar this mouth felt, as if it was unowned by Jan.

“The spasms are very painful, you’d be howling without the morphine so be grateful. Not everyone gets enough and most get the synthetics, so like I said, you’re lucky. Plus the howling will only make the spasms worse.”

The doctor then leaned in and said in a lowered and confidential voice, “Also, I prefer the patients to be quiet and calmer anyway, the walls are thin and it would disturb the other patients. No one likes to hear screaming when they are sick and dying, it just reminds them that they are sick and dying.”

Jan wondered if he would die here on level 5. He had been so ready to do so not long ago but somehow the idea now gave him the chills. Or perhaps it was what they could do to him while alive that scared him.

“Do you know why I’m strapped into this bed?” Jan asked, nodding at his bound arm.

“Oh yea, the police brought you in, they said you had to be secured and that you were to be detained and questioned. Reminds me, I’m supposed to send them in when you woke up,” the doctor leaned in again and, with hushed tones, asked, “So what d’ya do?”

Jan did not reply for a time, mired for a spell in his own worries. This will end badly, he thought.

“I was in a street fight.” Jan replied eventually, “So what about my jaw? Will it heal on its own?”

The doctor looked at him incredulously, “Ha! If the police cared about street fights then I’m a member of the Central Bureau! Well, whatever. The bones will fuse back together again naturally, but will probably be misaligned. My advice is to have it seen to on Level 1, that is, if you can get back there. We can fix it here as well but the approach may be, uh, a bit more crude.” 

He looked at Jan significantly, “I guess it all depends on what happens next with the police.”

“Huh, yea.” 

Jan closed his eyes and sank down into his bed. The reality of the situation was bleeding through the adiabatic insulation of the opiates. He did not relish the interrogations that would soon commence and some part of him was desperate to escape, to chew off his beshackled arm like a wild animal and be far away from all of this. 

The old man stepped back and gazed at his broken patient, brows knit. A sadness flashed through his rictus of shabby joviality.

“Hey, listen, maybe I can help you a little, make you lucid enough to pass muster with the cops, but still not feel it. You want it?”

Jan reopened his eyes, “Yea, please.”

The doctor sighed. “I don’t know how you got into this mess, a lot of people come in and out of here, each with their own sob stories and doomed futures. A doctor can only heal such a little bit of each person, really just janitors cleaning up after the brutality of the system. Ok, let me whip up something for you.”

He went back to the IV machine and scanned his badge, tapping and waving his hands over the input panel evoking a percussion of beeps and boops. “You should be all set now, I’ve got it to drip in slowly over the next 10 minutes, it should make it a bit easier.”

“Thank you”

“Yea, hang in there ok?”, the doctor leaned in close again and said in a low hush, “those pigs are a bunch of fucking sadists.” The old man tapped Jan gently on the chest and gave him a worn out smile, a smile that had once been strong and genuine but made threadbare and eroded by life and its vagaries.

Jan’s chest went sweet and tight where the doctor had tapped, a sudden rush of emotion rising up and swarming his toros. Unexpected kindness can be a sucker punch to the heart. He returned the smile, one rusty from disuse, “Yea, well, I feel better knowing I’ve got the best alkaloids, Doc.”

[genesiskrps-blog]

KIWI MUSIC NEWS: IDOL PROFILE SERIES !

[+ 500, -15] Wow! Jiyeon is my favorite soloist in CEL ! [+ 243,  - 5] CEL is lucky to have her, aren’t they?! [+ 225,  - 9] I can’t wait to see more of them - fighting!!

PROFILE !

FACECLAIM: im jinah CHARACTER NAME: han jiyeon STAGE NAME: n/a CHARACTER AGE: 25 COMPANY: CEL POSITION: solo (taeyeon) TIME WITH COMPANY: 12 years STRENGTHS: Perhaps even moreso than any outright talent, Jiyeon’s greatest strength lies in her experience, preparation, and ability to lead - her own career or others. Though her previous group has disbanded in dramatic fashion, there is very little that either CEL or her own internal coachings have not readied her for after over a decade of training. Calm, collected, eloquent, and dogged, when it comes to anything from choreography to accepting awards, Jiyeon never falters. Though Jiyeon’s voice should not be discounted, and is a genuine gem: originally scouted for the impressive nature of it as a young teenager, she has a talent that has always left every hard-nosed critic and teacher wanting to bottle and sell it. But while her voice may appeal to the critic, it’s her looks that appeal to the public, and that’s what matters to CEL – that the masses want to break off and take home a piece of her. WEAKNESSES: Her commitment to hard work can hinge on compulsive and unrealistic; her expectations for herself are perpetually too high, and she’s made herself sick on more than one occasion pushing her body too hard. Particularly with the stigma surrounding mental illness and medication in the country, Jiyeon’s careful managing of her OCD and anxiety over the years has grown harder. While in her younger years her anxiety was minimal, the more her obsessive-compulsive disorder demands of her, the worse her anxiety becomes. Though she is earnestly still young, even her age is a weakness in the ever-youthful industry that is KPOP. She has entirely no skill in rapping, and will try to refuse even attempting it on variety shows for the sake of embarrassment. Her variety appearances themselves are moderate but nothing exceptional; high ratings will arise simply from her name attached to any particular show, but she struggles with becoming goofy enough for many audiences.

BIOGRAPHY !

This is how you begin, like a start to a fairytale that should never be told, the ones with knights that never arrive and princesses that sheath their own hair with the tooth of the dragon keeping them.

i. she could claim a birth of immaculate conception because for all that her father is not there, it’s imaginable that jiyeon’s birth came from her mother and something she dreamed up. maybe in that story she would be a girl born from a peony mid-winter, shaking white limbs unfurling like petals - in that tale, jina might have come out fully formed, dressed in  long raven hair, singing a sweet tune to welcome herself into the world. but in this one, the one we have now, she is as raw and young as the rest of the babes that take their first breath screaming.

ii. her mother loves her enough for two, and that’s good, because some nights they survived on love alone - she parceled out pieces of her heart when there was not enough food, serving it out  on a silver platter to her only daughter and wiping her mouth when she done. when jiyeon is old enough she offers her soul in return, breaking it in half and half and half to hand back, and in this way she is also holy. this is the body and the spirit, the bread and the wine.

iii. it’s not as bad as it might seem. their house is full of laughter and love and the magic that comes from one night onlys, but in this home every night is one night for someone, so this is what jiyeon is weaned on. her mother’s business is a success because she knows how to make a home, even if it means sharing her own: so here, the young girl meets honeymooners and old lovers and older souls, and like a ritual they turn to her mother every night, drunk on good food and warmth to say: what a beautiful girl. what a serious child.

and when she plays, they say nothing at all.

(they are too busy listening).

iv. it’s starts as much a duty as anything else: changing the sheets, putting new flowers on the table, bringing breakfast in bed to the new lovers with a late checkout – and then performance. her delicate frame on the bench in the morning and at night, fingers fluttering across black and white keys like they never learned how not to fly. her voice comes with it.

like so many other things, jiyeon’s mother had been the first one to teach it to her, cupping her tiny hands beneath hers as she held her child in her lap and played melodies. jiyeon loves it, and so she sacrifices. like every great queen, she bows her head and picks up the weight of a kingdom so that her kin can have more; lessons on tuesdays and thursdays, a shining black thing sitting in the living room by next christmas.

she loves it, it’s true; jiyeon does it for herself. but she also do it for her. because even while she is young, young lady is only a term of convenience.  she was always a lady first, young only by circumstance.

v. everything happens at once. that’s the way it is with genuine surprises, the swing of one act to the next, the gate of destiny’s door vaulting open and knocking over objects in the room with its sudden wind. he’s only another customer when he comes in the door, albeit he is fixed with a soju-eyed stare and half a suit (no more, no less) that could buy and sell the roof and walls around them. a funny man, unsure of where he is before he sleeps and unhappy with the location when he awakes – he grumbles into his coffee and wears his sunglasses inside, rubbing his temples as he makes phone calls at the breakfast table.

she plays for him, like any other day.

he breaks his glasses when she start to sing. they fall right off his nose, and jiyeon stops to pick them up. she says sorry as your fingers smudge the lenses.

he only smiles.

then makes another phone call.

vi. he’s a mouthful, that’s what han jiyeon learns. he’s got a too-important job at a too-big place with too-famous people, and shae can barely get her jaw around it all. but she does, because she has always been a sensible girl, and she’s got strong bones, teeth, stomach. he brings her into the center of the room with a hand on your shoulder, ready to exchange her for her weight in gold in front of a room of god-men hidden behind their desks.

they place her on the scales, pull of the veil and open her mouth -

        and rejoice when she tips the whole thing over.

v. but they deal in the glory, she is still left to the grit and gore. in the first year, she is younger than most of the lot, and they look for a reason to hate her. they whisper about favouritism - they see the man with the half-suit and broken glasses smile at the girl with ivory-etched features and take her high head and upright chin as a sign that she hasn’t been forced to work to the marrow with them.

when that is over, she grows too beautiful for her own good. it is not her fault; none of it is. but if jiyeon were to live this life over again luckier, she would do well not to be so lovely. perhaps then he never would have seen her. men come for the girl in packs, their tails hidden up their jackets and their fangs tucked away as they try to paw at her. no one tells her beware of men, no one hands out a red cape to get through the woods unharmed, and so this is a lesson she learns the hard way, heart-first. he is the king of the country and he reaches down to pluck jiyeon from the crowd like he is a god. she thinks he might be. at the same time, they start to call her royalty, and with this man pressing to her back, she think she might just be a princess. she is ready for it, but too young for him.

everything breaks apart at the same time.

vi. it takes almost half jiyeon’s life to finally have one.

she hides her mind away and swallows her pain in the name of perfection. it makes her ache from the inside out, and she is starting to twitch.

some men mistake her beauty as consumability, and they try to lick the salt off her neck without permission.

there is more of jiyeon in this building than anyone else: she has left more behind, shed more skin and sweat, turned these rooms into walls that spit out her dna. it’s a decade of uncertainty, hard work that feels like a snake eating its own tail.

she is still young when she makes the cut for the group of the generation, the collaboration of luck and talent that brings her to the forefront of a nation, but it doesn’t feel like it.

it’s a chemical madness, what arises, though like all things chemical the brewing takes time. a year of the average, and then the spectacular bursts across the sky: beautiful multicolour fireworks: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

it’s all flash, flash, flash, cameras rolling, people screaming. the charts are topped and then toppled over. the critics are harsh and the crowds are adoring. they’re legends, these girls. they remake the music scene, but by the law of the world it remakes them also. and after years, after a meteoric rise, it comes to pass that jiyeon is the star that’s meant to post itself the highest in the night sky.

her time comes.

vii. it’s the best fucking thing she’ll ever do.