#gender stuff is complicated and frustrating in a world of heteronormativity (:

[byanyan]

byan when someone refers to them as sol's partner or significant other: :) byan when someone refers to them as sol's girlfriend: :) byan when someone refers to them as sol's boyfriend: :/

[there-must-be-a-lock]

2/2) I don’t even know. I can’t imagine being with a women in my reality, but I’m also a newlywed lol which complicated things. It’s just such a turn on in this safe space as a fantasy. I’m so sorry I know I’m dumping all of this on you and I seriously do not expect you to have answers or to even reply. This is a rambling mess. I guess maybe i just needed to voice it to someone? Make it a little more real. Thanks for listening, I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.

I am not even a little bit uncomfortable and I’m glad you got it off your chest!

Here’s the thing about fantasies: sometimes that’s all they are. You shouldn’t beat yourself up about anything your sex-brain comes up with in those private imaginary moments. Sometimes the stuff that gets you off is not the stuff you’d actually want in real life.

With that said, I don’t think there’s any harm in telling your hubby about that fantasy, assuming he’s not a jealous asshole. Men love a good threesome fantasy. Bring him in on it; that way it doesn’t need to be a secret, it can be an idea that you guys enjoy together, guilt-free.

As for whether you want it to be more than that... one thing at a time, maybe? You don’t have to figure all this out right away; just because the thought pops into your head, doesn’t mean you need to come to a conclusion about it, like, tomorrow. Now that you’ve acknowledged it, it might be easier to just kinda let it hang around in the back of your everyday brain as you go about your life, separate from sex-brain, because sex-brain can be a tricky bitch.

(Sex-brain sometimes talks me into wanting certain guys, usually musicians, frequently homeless. A quick vibrator sesh usually puts logic-brain back in charge, and logic-brain is pretty fucking dismayed about sex-brain’s taste in men. Sometimes you just get horny and start looking at the world through, like, fuck-tinted glasses.)

Do you find yourself checking women out? Do you notice boobs and butts a lot? Do you maybe assume that all women notice boobs and butts in a totally platonic “I can’t help it, I have eyes” kinda way?

(Spoiler alert: they don’t. Personally, I’m convinced that everybody is a little bit bi, but I’ve been told that there are in fact people who do not ever catch themselves staring at boobs.)

Heterosexuality is basically considered compulsory for most of your formative years. People go their whole lives without realizing they’re attracted to the same gender because they’ve been training themselves and making excuses for themselves for such a long time that it becomes second nature. Sometimes it’s really hard to separate what’s fantasy, what’s learned heteronormativity, and what’s genuine attraction. Don’t be frustrated with yourself if you don’t know the difference immediately.

Saying it out loud (or typing it, or whatever) is a big step. It’s a big deal that you were able to admit it to yourself, let alone another person. If it takes you a while to bring it up to your hubby, that’s 100% normal. But I promise you, if the relationship is as solid and wonderful as it sounds, it’s only going to make it easier if you confide in him.

Meanwhile, enjoy your fantasies!

Hope that helps a little bit. I’m always happy to talk about shit like this, anonymous (I know that’s easier sometimes) or not.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[english-major-in-exile-blog]

Dreadnought by April Daniels

Summary:

An action-packed series-starter perfect for fans of The Heroine Complex and Not Your Sidekick. “I didn’t know how much I needed this brave, thrilling book until it rocked my world. Dreadnought is the superhero adventure we all need right now.”―Charlie Jane Anders, author of All the Birds in the Sky Danny Tozer has a problem: she just inherited the powers of Dreadnought, the world’s greatest superhero. Until Dreadnought fell out of the sky and died right in front of her, Danny was trying to keep people from finding out she’s transgender. But before he expired, Dreadnought passed his mantle to her, and those secondhand superpowers transformed Danny’s body into what she’s always thought it should be. Now there’s no hiding that she’s a girl. It should be the happiest time of her life, but Danny’s first weeks finally living in a body that fits her are more difficult and complicated than she could have imagined. Between her father’s dangerous obsession with “curing” her girlhood, her best friend suddenly acting like he’s entitled to date her, and her fellow superheroes arguing over her place in their ranks, Danny feels like she’s in over her head. She doesn’t have time to adjust. Dreadnought’s murderer―a cyborg named Utopia―still haunts the streets of New Port City, threatening destruction. If Danny can’t sort through the confusion of coming out, master her powers, and stop Utopia in time, humanity faces extinction.

After being really disappointed by Hero by Perry Moore, I finally picked up Dreadnought in the hopes that it would be the LGBTQ+ superhero book I’d been craving. I think there's a lot to be said for the use of secret identities as a parallel to the experience of being in the closet, which makes superhero novels an ideal fit for LGBTQ+ stories. I was also hoping for a book with a good audiobook, because my favorite queer superhero book doesn’t have one.

It was absolutely what I'd hoped for.

As an queer cisgender woman, I related strongly to the ways that Danny experienced people's reactions her new body. It was a lot like what I experienced upon hitting puberty, and I appreciated how honestly that was discussed. The sudden way that her friend turned against her when romance was explicitly off the table was achingly familiar, as was the heteronormativity that colored all her interactions with the people around her (Danny is a lesbian). The little details are spot on—I’m especially fond of the moment when Danny realized that girls holding their books against their chest could also be a way to obscure view of their breasts.

As for the specific transgender issues in this book, some readers might find this one a little anvilicious, to put it in the TVtropes parlance, but sometimes those anvils need to be dropped. A lot of the prejudice faced by Danny in this book was raw and frustrating and real. The way that the people around her reacted—from her father’s desire to put her back in her old body to her mother’s accusation that she is selfish to a TERF superhero who I absolutely hated—was absolutely reflective of the things that my transgender friends have described to me.

And, even with that struggle, it's FUN. Superheroes and supervillains and the struggle between good and evil. The question of what good and evil even ARE. The struggle of having secret identities and trying to find a way to present oneself in public to express who you are. The colored costumes that speak to a hero’s identity. It's all of the things I love about caped crusaders.

Of particular note is the costuming detail, which I’m especially attuned to as a costuming nerd. Superhero costumes are all about the visual rhetoric and communication, and while that can be a struggle to express in text-based storytelling it’s spot on here. Danny’s struggle with whether or not to take on the name and colors of Dreadnought now that she has had that mantle passed on to her is the stuff costuming nerd dreams are made of. We don’t need to see the costume to know she’s struggling with it; adjustments to the color, to whether she wears a mask, and to the technology of her costume are woven throughout the book. Should she become Dreadnought? Should she wear Dreadnought’s colors if she doesn’t take up that name? What face does she want to show the world?

That focus on self-presentation isn’t overtly linked to Danny’s awareness of her gender presentation, but it effectively works as a parallel. It’s discussed in the same self-aware way as painting her toenails, and it creates a strong awareness of self-presentation throughout the book. Danny’s trans identity and the way that people react to it is a huge part of her life, and this parallel allowed the book to take a break from the subject without ever really leaving it behind.

And the plot actually surprised me in a few places! Sometimes superhero narratives can get a little rote and predictable, but I enjoyed every minute of this one. The twists I predicted were still enjoyable, and those that I didn’t (particularly those involving Doc Impossible, my favorite adult character) left me typing in all caps at a friend of mine.

Final Verdict:

Look, I love me some LGBTQ+ superheroes, and this was great. I’m biased toward the subject matter—and it did get quite a boost because I was so disappointed by Hero that it looks a little extra fantastic in contrast—but even so it was a very enjoyable ride and I cannot wait for the sequel. 5/5