#gender itself cause im sure and enjoy being a girl and all

[butteryheart]

Im like if the soul of a girl and the mind of a guy were put into a body made by someone that forgot they were making a girl and had to remedy last second

[megalony]

Growing soft- Part 2

Here is the second part in my Ben Hardy mini-series that I hope everyone is going to like, thank you all for the lovely feedback so far.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem​​ @butlegendsneverdie​​ @langdonzvoid​​ @jennyggggrrr​​ @rogermeddow​​ @radiob-l-a-hblah​​ @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6​​ @rogertaylors-lipgloss​​ @sj-thefan​​ @omgitsearly​​ @luckytrashgooprebel​​ @scarsout​​ @deaky-with-a-c​​ @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac​​ @vousmemanqueez​​ @jonesyaddiction​​ @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms​​ @saint-hardy​​ @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls​​ @mrsalwayswritex​​ @rogerina-owns-me​​ @peterquillzsblog​​ @im-an-adult-ish​ @crazylittlethingg​

Series taglist: @storiesfrommirkwood​

Part 1

Summary: Ben has always been set on the idea of not having kids, but when (Y/n) becomes a surrogate for Gwilym and his wife, Ben wonders if he really is sure about no kids after all.

Enjoy.

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"Do you feel sick?" Ben's words were hushed so the other people sitting in the waiting room couldn't hear but his face gave away the concern that was creeping into his system. He could tell by the way that (Y/n) was both pursing and biting down on her lips that she was either anxious or uncomfortable and the way she was trying to take very deep, slow breaths implied she didn't feel very well.

"No, I don't think so." (Y/n) let herself slouch back in the rather uncomfortable wooden chair before she tilted her head up to look at Ben, watching his brows raise and a sigh pass through his lips.

"That's reassuring." (Y/n) knew he wasn't mad or irritated, he was trying to make a joke despite the concern he felt. It hadn't escaped his notice that (Y/n) hadn't eaten breakfast or dinner today from feeling too sick to stomach anything. He was just hoping that after this (Y/n) might feel better or the least bit hungry and manage to eat something.

With a roll of her eyes, (Y/n) leaned her head on Ben's shoulder as her eyes slowly started scanning around the waiting room. This was one of the parts (Y/n) didn't like, having to sit around and wait with other people. It worried her in case someone tried to spark off a conversation and she either had to go through the true story of her being a surrogate or she had to make up some fantasy and hope she and the stranger never saw each other again.

The waiting room always made (Y/n) feel a bit uncomfortable because it was like she shouldn't really be here. It wasn't her baby she was here for and it made her feel invalid.

Waiting here also made (Y/n)'s mind run away without her, she could never help but come up with different ideas and daydreams that stuck with her for the rest of the day. Sometimes she just looked at the other couples or women on their own and wondered what their story was, if any of them were surrogates or happy couples or having problems. But most of the time, (Y/n) could never stop her mind from wondering what it would be like if she and Ben were here properly, having a baby of their own that they were here to see on a scan.

(Y/n) couldn't deny that that fantasy was the one she thought about more than anything else. She wanted that. Every time she could feel the baby moving just a little or when she saw them on the screen or even just each time she noticed her stomach growing, (Y/n) wondered what it would be like if this was her baby.

She wanted that feeling, she wanted to look at a scan photo or stare at her stomach and smile knowing that she was having a baby of her own. Instead, each time she looked at her stomach or a scan she was reminded that this wasn't her fantasy, this was someone else's baby she was just bringing into the world like a gift for a friend.

When (Y/n) had agreed to this and talked to the doctors about it they had talked her through everything and told her that it would be hard. They said she would have an emotional attachment to the baby and that made it hard for some surrogates to give the baby over to the parents. (Y/n) knew that would never be the case with her. At first, she thought it wouldn't be the case because she was too strong willed for that and had too much love for her friends to hurt them in such a way.

But now (Y/n) knew she would never be able to keep the baby or have an attachment to them because she knew they weren't hers. (Y/n) didn't know if it was selfish of her or not, but she wouldn't want to bring up the baby knowing that they weren't truly hers. Every day she would know that the child had none of her DNA or traits or features, she would see Gwilym and Amy in them and it would make her resent the child. She had no want or need to keep this child because it would feel like she was stealing or kidnapping them from their true parents.

"Baby, you ready?"

(Y/n) didn't even hear her name being called out by the midwife, she'd been too lost in her thoughts until Ben pulled her back to reality. Nodding her head, (Y/n) knitted her hands together as they got up and followed the midwife down the corridor and into one of the rooms on the right.

"Okay, you're just over five months, so you can find out the gender today if you like?" The midwife was as chirpy as ever with the same smile on her lips as they all entered the room.

(Y/n) turned her head towards Ben when they were both sat down and a silent look passed between them before Ben motioned his hand towards (Y/n), indicating that it was her decision, not his. They both knew that Gwilym and Amy would want to know, but they didn't have to find out right now if (Y/n) didn't want to know. But it wasn't her baby and (Y/n) knew deep down that knowing the gender wouldn't affect her.

"Yes, please." (Y/n)'s voice was quiet but there was a small smile on her lips, more due to the fact that she couldn't wait to see how Gwilym and Amy would react when they knew what they were having. (Y/n) could just see Gwilym with a little girl to dote on, but Ben more imagined Gwilym with a boy. He could see his friend reading books and doing all the voices and characters to him.

The moment (Y/n) pulled her shirt up over her stomach, Ben reached for her hand out of habit and when (Y/n) turned to look at him, there was a soft smile on his lips as the midwife got the monitor ready.

Ben didn't quite know what it was, but there was just something about the baby's heartbeat that got to him. During the first scan, he didn't really pay much attention to the heartbeat that was faint and quiet to the point he had drowned it out. But this time, it sounded more magnified, it was like a drumbeat that he couldn't help but focus on. After learning to play the drums for Bohemian Rhapsody, whenever Ben listened to a song now he always picked up on the rhythm and drumbeat before he even registered the lyrics or the song itself.

His ears were trained to listen out for the beats and the baby's heartbeat was all he could hear right now, and he liked it.

There was something about the steady rhythm that felt so relaxing yet adrenaline inducing to Ben and it made his foot begin to tap against the floor and caused his leg to jitter up and down.

The heartbeat entranced him so much that he stared blankly at the screen for a few seconds before realising that the picture had formed and the baby was now on the screen. The first time they had seen the baby on the screen, the image had been blurry to the untrained eye and it was a very small image considering the baby was only twelve weeks formed. But this time around, the image was almost perfectly clear. They could see the head properly this time and the way the body was coiled round like the baby was trying to form the letter C. Ben could even see the baby's hands that were held protectively to their chest.

"Congratulations, you're having a baby boy."

Those few words seemed to wash over (Y/n)'s head completely as her mind started to wander once again. Wondering what it would be like if it was her and Ben who were expecting a baby boy, she'd never given it much thought what gender their own baby would be if they ever had one. (Y/n) could see Ben with a boy, a little version of him who he could teach to play rugby or photography.

Still stuck in her thoughts, (Y/n) turned her head to look over at Ben but her eyes narrowed the more she looked at him. She could feel his finger tapping against the back of her hand but she now realised he was tapping in time with the heartbeat. But what captured her attention more was the very distant but gentle smile as his eyes moved from the monitor to look at (Y/n).

(Y/n) had never seen Ben smile quite like that before, he didn't seem like he was just fondly looking at the monitor or like he was thinking about Gwil or Amy, it was something different that (Y/n) couldn't work out.

Whatever the look was, (Y/n) couldn't work it out, nor could she explain it or understand it when all the time she had known Ben, he had been set on not having kids of his own.

So why was he looking at the screen like that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's a boy." (Y/n) bit down on her lip like she was trying to stop her smile from spreading too wide when she saw the looks on Amy and Gwilym's faces. In the beginning, something had told (Y/n) that Amy knew exactly what she wanted in terms of having a boy or a girl whereas Gwilym seemed to just be content with the thought of a child of their own in general. But now, seeing how Amy was reduced to tears, (Y/n) knew any thoughts or ideals her friend had were replaced by the reality she now had.

Amy had no need to imagine what her child would look like or if it would be a boy or a girl and who they would take after or what they would do because she could find out now. She didn't have to create a fantasy of the perfect family and the perfect world because she could have that child she had been longing for.

Amy's fantasies and daydreams were over but now (Y/n)'s were just beginning.

Reaching into her bag, (Y/n) pulled out the scan photo the midwife had given them before gently holding it out to Amy who was sat next to her on the sofa in between (Y/n) and Gwilym. Amy seemed to look at the picture like she was imagining it but her hesitation to take the photo was dashed by Gwilym reaching across and taking it instead.

A tut of annoyance passed Amy's lips but it didn't dash the smile on her lips and it didn't prevent the tears of happiness from falling down her cheeks. She leaned against Gwilym's arm and rested her head on his shoulder so she could look at the photo for a few moments before her attention quickly went back to (Y/n).

"I can't thank you enough for what you're doing for us." Amy whispered the words against the shell of (Y/n)'s ear when she pulled her friend into a crushing hug. Trying to push her emotions onto (Y/n) so she could understand just how grateful she and Gwilym were and always were going to be for what (Y/n) was doing for them.

"You've thanked me enough, really." (Y/n) patted Amy's back before they pulled away and she clasped her hands together in her lap. It was lovely to see Amy and Gwilym so happy and their appreciation made (Y/n)'s heart soar, but at the same time it made her feel a little bit awkward. They had no need to thank her any more than this, they were thanking her when she even considered doing this for them in the beginning.

There was still four more months to go before the baby would be born and it made (Y/n) shiver to think they were thanking her already when something could still happen or go wrong before the baby was born.

"Have you thought any more about what kind of birth you want?" Gwilym's voice caused (Y/n) to pull out of her thoughts before she looked around Amy to see him. His thumb was absentmindedly rubbing over the picture in his hand but his focus was solely on (Y/n). "Didn't you say you wanted a home birth?"

(Y/n) was surprised Gwilym remembered her saying that considering she had only said that in a fleeting moment when they were first discussing everything after she agreed to do this. A home birth had quickly left (Y/n)'s mind not long after she started considering it. (Y/n) knew that if this was her and Ben's baby, a home birth would be at the top of her list, no questions asked. But this wasn't their baby and it would forever stick with (Y/n) if she had the baby at home to then think about that in the dead of night when the baby was no longer there. It would only make the room feel tainted or weird.

This wasn't (Y/n)'s baby and she knew she wouldn't feel comfortable having someone else's baby in her home just to give them away.

"I think I just want a normal delivery at hospital." (Y/n) smiled before letting her eyes wander over to Ben who was sitting on the armchair to her left. He was nursing a cup of coffee that seemed to have stolen his attention for the past few minutes. But it was clear he had been partially listening because when he caught (Y/n)'s eye he smiled and nodded.

The thought of a water birth only made (Y/n) cringe. She knew it was a normal thing but she wasn't keen on the thought of sitting or laying in warm water when she would be overheating herself. If anything it would make her feel uneasy and uncomfortable, she couldn't even lay in the bath for too long without feeling desperate to get out and escape the heat and water that made her skin shrivel up.

(Y/n) didn't have all the details planned out yet, she didn't even want to think about the birth right now since it was a few months away. But she knew for certain that wherever she ended up having the baby, the only person she was letting into that room with her was Ben.

She knew this was a big thing for Gwilym and Amy, she would be mad if it wasn't, but she couldn't have them in the delivery room with her. The thought of either of them in the room watching her go through that pain made her uncomfortable more than she could even comprehend. This was their baby, not hers but (Y/n) couldn't go through that knowing they were looking over her shoulder just waiting to hold the baby they had been longing for.

Ben was the only person (Y/n) would ever allow to see her like that and she couldn't change her mind about this even if she wanted to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Running her fingers through her slightly tangled hair, (Y/n) pushed her hair from her eyes that were locked onto Ben's frame, wondering why he was suddenly looking at her like he was. His head was tilted at an angle and his eyes were narrowed like his vision was zooming in on her to get a better look at something. Her feet froze in place when she got to the bottom of the stairs and her free hand gripped the banister just a little bit tighter, wondering what was wrong.

"What?" (Y/n) felt her heart jumping into her chest as adrenaline began to flutter in her stomach. He didn't look angry or annoyed or outraged, but he certainly looked confused and like he was concentrating on something.

"You never wear my button-ups." Ben's expression stayed mostly the same except for his eyes widening a little as he pointed to the shirt (Y/n) was wearing.

The sudden worry pooling in her stomach evaporated instantly and a sigh escaped her lips at knowing nothing was seriously wrong and that he wasn't mad at her for something. Tilting her head down, (Y/n) scanned the shirt she had decided to wear before a lopsided smile came over her lips. She had picked up the habit of stealing Ben's jumpers and sometimes his jackets too, not that he minded. Ben had grown into the habit of buying clothes he knew (Y/n) would like so they could share since he knew she would just pinch his things anyway.

But one of the things she never wore were his button-up shirts. Ben himself didn't wear them all that often but he thought they looked good on (Y/n), yet she never really wore them.

"Your stuff fits better than mine, I thought this might look nice... what do you think?" (Y/n) looked down at the shirt she chose as she walked over until she was stood in front of Ben before she held her arms out at her sides so Ben could look her over and her choice of clothing.

(Y/n) owned a few baggy items of clothing and all of her leggings and looser trousers still fitted her perfectly well. But her shirts were becoming a bit too snug for her liking and since Ben was taller and broader than she was, his clothing was either a perfect fit for her changing shape or it was baggy on her. So she was mostly stealing his clothes at the moment and when she scanned his wardrobe this morning, the plain white shirt seemed to stand out more than the rest.

Biting down on her lip, (Y/n) looked up at Ben when he didn't say anything but his eyes didn't catch her gaze, his vision was focused solely on the shirt she was wearing and her waist in particular. The look in Ben's eyes made (Y/n) bite down on her lip a bit harsher and stopped her breathing but she didn't know what to do or what to say.

Ben didn't wear those button up shirts very often, only if he was going out somewhere that meant he couldn't wear any hoodies and he had to look casual. But seeing it on (Y/n) was something else entirely. She hadn't bothered to tuck the shirt into her trousers so the hem hung around her thighs. The first few buttons were undone and the sleeves were rolled up very unevenly and loosely to her elbows. (Y/n) looked so casual and relaxed with the shirt like that but she also looked rather different than normal, but Ben liked it.

"Sexy."

(Y/n) pursed her lips and closed her eyes for a second longer than normal to try and comprehend what word just escaped her husband's lips which was clearly something he had meant to think and not say.

(Y/n) felt the greatest urge to laugh out of nervousness but she couldn't find the ability to do that, let alone try and speak. How could Ben think she looked sexy wearing one of his shirts when she was pregnant? The shirt didn't exactly do anything to hide her stomach or her hips and if she undid one more button it wouldn't hide her cleavage very well either. (Y/n) thought she looked rather good in this shirt but she wouldn't have thought she looked sexy, at least not whilst she was pregnant.

"You... um... really?" (Y/n) looked down at herself again like she thought Ben was looking at someone else instead of her before her eyes found his. His lips were pressed into a thin line and his eyes were wandering her up and down, he clearly didn't mean to say that outloud. "Sexy, like this?" (Y/n) managed to smile as she moved her hand to her stomach like Ben just overlooked the little fact of the baby.

"Yeah... it's a good look on you." Ben's hands found their way to (Y/n)'s hips, pulling her a bit closer as her hands held onto his arms. She felt his hands tightening on her hips when she bit her lip despite her smile, looking like she was about to laugh.

She couldn't have been sure whether Ben meant the shirt in general was a good look, or if he meant the pregnancy but she didn't dare ask because she had a feeling she could have a good guess which one he meant.

Ben almost chided himself for letting his thoughts slip past his lips but he couldn't help it. He didn't understand his own thoughts right now because he knew (Y/n) didn't know how to feel about how her body was changing but he knew exactly how he felt about it and it was a reaction neither of them had been expecting. It wasn't just her wearing his shirt that he liked- he always liked her wearing his clothes, but there was something about the way she looked now she was pregnant that just got under his skin in the best kind of way and he didn't know why.

(Y/n) almost squeaked when Ben kissed her suddenly and quite fiercely and her breath got caught in her lungs when his hands left her hips and travelled south.

What was happening to him?

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

im 16 and i think i might be bi but i cant really be sure. like i get this butterfly-in-stomach feeling when i think about holding a girls hand or marrying one(!!!) but i dont think ive ever actually experienced sexual attraction towards one. its hard to tell cause ive never even kissed anyone so its not like i have a ton of (read: any) experience but i dont want to be wrong or enter into a wlw relationship and then find out too late. sorry if im overstepping, i dont have anyone else to ask

So first of all you’re not overstepping anything by asking for advice about bisexuality on an advice blog about bisexuality. Don’t be afraid to ask. That’s what exactly we’re here for!

What you describe sounds to me like you are attracted to girls. “At least” romantically - not that that’s any less valid a type of attraction than sexual attraction. But you’re also only 16 so your sexuality/libido is still developping. It’s possible you will eventually be sexually attracted to girls or maybe youa re already and just don’t know it because it expresses itself differently than your attraction to boys.

Sometimes attraction to different genders feels differently but that doesn’t mean it’s any less real or any less there. And you definitly don’t need any experience to know what you’re attracted to. You enjoy the thought of marrying a woman and being with one - that’s not a very heterosexual thing to say for a girl.

Know that, whether you are questioning or “only” have romantic attraction for more than one gender, you can be a part of the bi community. You are welcome here for as long as you like and there’ll be no hard feelings if you eventually realise you’re not bi after all.

And if you start a relationship with a woman when still unsure about your sexuality - just be honest. Tell her about your feelings and insecurities and then she can decide for herself if that’s okay for her or not.

Maddie

[mueritos]

Dw if it's too personal, but how did u figure out you were a guy and not Enby?

Not personal at all! Identifying as nonbinary helped alleviate some gender dysphoria. While I identified as agender/nonbinary for over a year, I never felt like it was completely who I was. I have been dealing with my gender and gender expression for years, and even when I was nonbinary, I always drifted to a more masculine image. I took many stepping stones to be comfortable with finally coming out as a trans dude, but what made it clear to me that I am a trans guy is that I simply really enjoyed being seen as a dude. It made me feel right, feel happy, secure, and myself, most importantly. While I still express myself in traditionally femme ways (painting my nails, my mannerisms,  wishing to wear femme clothing, wanting longer hair), I don’t think that my androgyny means I am nonbinary. I cherish the time I was nonbinary, but I felt very constricted identifying as such. I felt I had to be androgynous all the time, that I was lying to others by presenting femme but not feeling femme or like a girl, that I had to look like certain nonbinary people, etc. It had actually caused me so much grief (besides dysphoria itself) that my whole sophomore year my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. It just still wasnt the right identity for me, and so I switched after much introspective thought and came out as a trans dude, and I havent been happier since.

Ive heard its quite common for trans dudes to id as nonbinary before coming out as trans, but I havent met many trans dudes like me online or in real life. My best friend just kind of knew he was a dude from the beginning, but for me it took years. Its just a matter of comfort, your environment, family, etc. Theres nothing wrong with identifying as multiple identities in order to figure yourself out-neither of those past labels negate who you are now. Hope that answered your question! Sometimes Im not even sure how to articulate what exactly I feel haha

[desertbroad]

kaj + (inverted) tropes: part two! * * i don’t know all the actual Official TM names for these tropes, so most are made up. also, you might notice the regular trope list (part 1 of this headcanon) is significantly longer. this is because kaj has a few main inverted tropes but tons more regular ones, since tropes are like atoms: they make up everything. i just wanted to focus on the few inversions that created her character and let the rest come naturally! under a read more for length. ** also as of 7/6/19 part one isn’t done yet. yes i know please don’t shame me ok IM GETTING TO IT

fridged woman (aka back from the dead)—

for this one i took inspiration from laura moon from american gods, with a few tweaks (love neil gaiman, but some of the things about her character are...a bit squicky). unlike a good number of women in media, kaj isn’t shoved over gently and pronounced dead so that a man can grow from her pain. in fact, she’s shot in the head twice, pronounced dead, & buried. while her “death” means more pain and character development for the characters surrounding her, it means pain and character development for her, too. truth be told, she survives a hell of a lot more than any average person should, especially one with her low luck stat. half of this is the fun and wacky way new vegas’ world works (obviously, no real person could survive all this), but also because of her good ol’ courier determination. things that should’ve fridged kaj but haven’t include: two shots to the head, numerous combat scrapes, being stabbed, having her brain/heart/spine removed, having a bomb collar attached to her neck, killing an entire fortification of trained legionnaires, stepping on landmines, etc etc. the courier is pretty much the bruce willis of fallout.

world ending vengeance—

specifically applies to certain characters. while most others who piss kaj off get the full brunt of her wrath (see: caesar, mr. house, elijah, general oliver, ulysses), benny, along with dr. mobius & the think tank & mcnamara*, get a pass. in fact, she lets him go not once or twice, but on three separate occasions, even knowing he’s likely to betray her again. the reason why? not even kaj knows. some people speculate it’s because she likes him / slept with him (incorrect; she liked house to a degree, and slept with caesar); others speculate it’s because they’re so similar (also incorrect; she shared an alarming number of similarities with ulysses & elijah). the theory that comes closest to the truth is that she pities him. it fits in line her past behavior with mobius & the think tank, who were physically unable to see the effects of their actions and thus were spared a horrible fate. likewise, kaj seems to have judged benny to be innocent in her own personal court, and though he continues to be a thorn in her side again and again, she refuses to “sentence” him for anything. it helps his cause that his plan helped her take over vegas, and he created yes man, one of the only living beings she’s ever fully trusted. also a slight inversion of kaj’s maneater / black widow trope; the one person she truly should seduce and kill, she doesn’t.

that said, benny doesn’t get away from their encounters without any punishment—after narrowly escaping being crucified, both kaj and benny have matching rope burns around their wrists. it’s her morbid idea of a joke.

*mcnamara doesn’t fit within this trope, but kaj spares the bos for veronica & christine’s sake, despite yes man’s warnings. also for the off chance that they might convert to being her allies (they don’t, and this choice helps lend itself to more BOS trouble all over the wasteland).

white man cowboy—

kind of a simple inversion that’s been done before, but an important one and one that i like a lot. for starters, the “john wayne” cowboy is a bastardization of a history that was made up of ethnic minorities and whitewashed for hollywood aesthetic (also fuck you john wayne). while none of my research has come up with anything about women of color or nonbinary people in the western scene, only moc (whether this is intentional or not, i’m not sure), i still wanted to write kaj as non-male. frankly, this is because i wanted her to be an inversion of tired tropes, and that included being a debonair, byronic woman / non gender conforming hero (think gentleman jack) instead of a debonair, byronic white dude. we’ve got 20 of those for every fleshed out woman/enby on screen, lbr. kaj is also a femme fatale, but only by coincidence; she’s more of a wandering heart breaker than a necessarily dangerous woman, much like many of the heroes on screen.

i also find that non-men of color are one of the most underrepresented minorities in fiction—even media that celebrates diversity simplifies them down (hamilton), or centers their narrative and entire purpose around a man (hamilton, again). nevermind nonbinary people / trans folk. for that reason, i wanted kaj’s story to be about a woman of color / someone who doesn’t conform to expectations and doesn’t allow herself to be put in the sidelines for a white person or a male to lead her life. and regardless of whether a woman filling this swaggering, womanizing cowboy role is accurate to history or not, fallout’s setting lends itself an air of exaggeration, so i felt it was appropriate to include her here, instead of arguing with people over whether someone like her existed in actual history (my suspicions say yes, and that these people have simply been erased from the narrative for the convenience of certain people’s feelings, but still).

smarter than you look / deadly doctor (this one actually has a tvtropes page! look it up!)—

from the deadly doctor page : ‘ surely the ultimate example of the morally ambiguous doctorate. one reason for this is due to all his/her training : while having advanced knowledge on the human body can be used to save people, it also gives all the knowledge on how to injure and kill people with minimal effort by knowing all the body's weak points. some more sympathetic examples equate to the medical version of a well-intentioned extremist, who may certainly have good (or at least sympathetic/understandable) intentions but ruthless medical ethics. ’

one of the most important things kaj took from her thorough education is medical training—unable to depend on anyone after being traumatized, trusting any doctor who happened along to treat her illnesses was out of the question. she was also smart enough to know the original kaj wouldn’t be around to heal her up forever. thus, she began her training as a self preservation instinct; but over time, as she grew and relearned how to be compassionate and empathetic, she decided to use healing for good, too. trained as a young girl by the original kaj, and then later trained officially as a combat medic by the ncr, kaj has spent a countless amount of hours inside army tents, healing wounds and assisting doctors with tough cases. she even keeps a medical bag on her person for exactly that sort of situation (especially since supplies in the mojave aren’t exactly easy to dig up). though she’s a big scientist in general (the big mt saw to that), medicine is her specialty. she’s even stitched up her own wounds, though it’s not something she particularly enjoys (it takes a lot of whiskey and something for her to bite down on).

for reference, consider this scene of anton from no country for old men (TW: he’s performing self surgery, so it’s pretty gruesome). though both anton and kaj’s lifestyles are rough and even sadistic at times, they both still have medical training—if not to protect others, then to at least protect themselves. and like anton, it shows kaj’s inability to trust anyone with her most important commodity: herself. this makes her surgery in the big empty doubly as horrifying, given she took specific pains for something like this to not happen. it’s why she refuses to leave without all of her organs (also, stubbornness). all of this is just one of the ways kaj is way more ... well, everything than she looks. which leads into...

underestimate me if you dare, aka femme fatale (sort of?)—

though fallout prides itself on being a soft reset on the world, people’s perceptions of minorities are still ... iffy, due to real world influences by the creators. thus, the people around kaj often jump to assumptions about her based on her identity—mostly, that she’s weak. once, it offended her, but now it’s a perception that she encourages. after all, she’s not flat out strong like your usual hero, but is more of a hamlet-type; smart, perceptive, fast, and willing to strike from the shadows. it’s hard to do any of that if you’re putting on a big performance about your power (though admittedly, she’s been known to go big or go home if she’s planning on killing everyone; if she’s not faking nice and telling you what you wanna hear, trouble’s ahead).

of course, the reality is that kaj is a powerhouse. but these perceptions about her supposed weakness are why posing as a legion member is so easy—those who think she’s weak underestimate her or keep their distance, which gives her leave to do what she wants. she’s viewed more like a pet than a person by most, and though it frustrates her at times to pretend, it also gives her leave to do more, than if she were to simply pose as a man.

all that said, kaj doesn’t exactly qualify as a femme fatale. most of her lovers are just information givers, and they escape from their interaction unharmed. kaj killing her bed mates is actually less likely than her just sparing them and letting them go, none the wiser. of course, you kill one tyrant (maybe two or three) and suddenly you’re a black widow—

[citious]

CHAPTER 2

Characters

Main: Song Jiwon, Yoon Jinmyung, Jung Yeeun, Yoo Eunjae, Jo Eun, Kang Yina, Im Sungmin, Kwon Hochang, Jo Chungwon, Seo Janghoon

Note: If you haven’t read the first chapter, you may do so here –> First Chapter

In a nutshell: It all happens in one day, so it’s gonna be quite a long journey ahead. Follow the Belle Epoque girls’ journey in celebrating their loneliest, to the most memorable Valentine’s Day of their lives.

Rating: M

After dropping Jiwon off at Belle Epoque, Sungmin went back home to rest. 

When he laid himself on the bed, the conversation he had with Chungwoon last year came to his mind.

5th October 2017

Chungwon: Hyung, you like Jiwon-sunbae, right? Then why aren’t you guys dating?

Sungmin: Is being in a relationship better than being friends?

Chungwon: Eeey, Hyung, what happens if Jiwon gets herself a boyfriend? It’s not that you don’t like her, but you’re scared of confessing to her, right?

This statement really made Sungmin’s blood boil, he cursed at Chungwon for lecturing him on his love life. 

Sungmin pretended to sleep, but he was kept awake all night, thinking about the possibility that another guy might really like Jiwon and take her away from him. 

Honestly, some of the things Chungwon said was right, but his pride and ego as a guy refused to agree to it.

Sungmin himself is a motae solo. He doesn’t exactly know how to approach the opposite gender, and he’s THAT awkward when it comes to romance and love.

 He does watch a lot of romantic films, dramas, and even read the most cliché romance novel out there, but theory and practice are two drastically different things. 

So, putting all the things he learnt through watching all those cheesy romance on screen together with his current state of friendship with Jiwon, is challenging.

For the first time, Sungmin actually put much thought on his feelings, even though it stays as a monologue, at least he’s being honest with himself.

Jiwon is my precious friend. I honestly don’t know how she feels about me. I’m afraid that she’ll reject me and we can’t get back together as friends. Even if she accepts me and be in a relationship, what will happen if we breakup? Can we stay as close friends again? I’m so afraid to lose her. More than being selfish, I’d rather have her beside me as a really close friend.

Sungmin paused his monologue as a notification came out on his phone screen. He opened it and saw messages from Jiwon.

‘Is this even real?’ Sungmin thought to himself. Sungmin was startled and he hesitated a lot, but he agreed to go anyway. ‘It’s in a 5 Star restaurant’. The place itself is already suspicious, ‘oh well… Maybe she really wanted to thank me.’

14th February 2018, Morning at Belle Epoque

8.00 a.m.

Yeeun woke up to her morning alarm she set at 8 a.m. She reached out for her phone and swiped the off button to make the alarm stop. She sat down on her bed and stretched her body with a smile on her face. 

She saw Jiwon who’s still fast asleep on her bed and quickly grabbed her towel and clothes she has prepared the night before, and went to the bathroom to get ready. 

Yeeun wanted to doll herself up cause she’s looking forward to her date with Hochang. She doesn’t know where he’s gonna take her, but she does have high hopes.

As Yeeun did her makeup, Hochang messaged her to meet him at the subway station, in which Yeeun replied: Ok ^.^

9:33 a.m.

Back at Belle Epoque, Kang-eonni called Jiwon early in the morning that she has set her up for a blind date with an acquaintance.

Jiwon: Hello?

Yina: Annyeong, good morning!

Jiwon: Why are you calling me so early in the morning?

Yina: I’ve set a blind date for you today with my acquaintance

Jiwon: Is he handsome?

Yina: More than handsome, I think he will suit you perfectly.

Jiwon: Arasseo. Where is it?

Yina: Villa Sortino, 8 p.m.

Jiwon: That 5 star restaurant?!

Yina: Eo, what’s wrong?

Jiwon: Ani, I’m super excited! Kang-eonni, yeokshi… you’re the best!

Yina: Arasseo, have fun! Thank me later. The table is reserved under your name okay?

Jiwon: Hm…

10.00 a.m.

The doorbell rang as Jo Eun who just went out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth, opened the front door without looking at the monitor. 

She almost fainted as she realized who’s standing in front of her. It’s Seo Janghoon in his military uniform and cap.

Before Janghoon could say a word, suddenly the door in front of him was slammed hard and it closed. 

Eun who’s inside didn’t know what to do when she found out her boyfriend is standing just outside. She rubbed her eyes to check if she’s actually dreaming, but she’s not. 

She opened the door again and asked coldly,

Eun: Why are you here?

Janghoon: Is that the first thing you have to say to your boyfriend who’s been gone for 5 months?

Eun: I freaking missed you. You! Why didn’t you call me? I was waiting for your call day and night.

Janghoon who couldn’t stand looking at Eun who was sulking, tip-toed to kiss her lips.

Janghoon: I missed you too. Should we go on a date today?

Eun’s expression instantly brightened when Janghoon said that, showing her excitement for their Valentine’s day date.

Janghoon: I’ll wait for you downstairs. Call me when you’re ready.

Eun: Arasseo. See you later!

Subway Station

11.25 a.m.

Yeeun sped up as she saw Hochang waiting in front of the station, looking more stylish than usual, still with his glasses on, though. 

‘He looks great,’ Yeeun thought silently.

Yeeun wrapped her arms around Hochang’s and asked

Yeeun: So where are you taking me?

Hochang: It’s a secret. Let’s go eat first! What do you want to have?

Yeeun: Anything!

Hochang: Wanna have beef stew? I know a famous place people have been recommending.

Yeeun: Hmm, okay, we can have that

Hochang led Yeeun to go down the subway station as they head for the restaurant.

Restaurant

12.08 p.m.

As it’s a very famous place, all the tables are occupied, but luckily Hochang and Yeeun secured a table.

Hochang: Eat it deliciously, okay? I wanna see you eat a lot today, it’s gonna be a long day.

Yeeun: Since when did my boyfriend become this caring? Arasseo, I’ll eat well!

‘Forget about diet,’ Yeeun thought. ‘When I eat with Hochang, I never had a problem enjoying whatever’s in front of me.’

As Yeeun ate from the bowl of beef stew happily in front of Hochang, he smiled…

After lunch, Yeeun initiated that the two of them watch a movie

Yeeun: Can we go watch a movie? I’ve been wanting to watch this movie.

Hochang: Of course we can, let’s go!

Movie Theater

14.05 p.m.

Hochang: What movie is it?

Yeeun: The new movie of 50 shades.

Hochang: What?! Are you sure? (Hochang asked as he felt awkward watching that kind of movie with his girlfriend)

Yeeun: Eo, I’m sure. You’re an adult already. There’s no need to be so scared

Hochang: (He tried to give in, as all he wanted to do that day is to make Yeeun happy). Arasseo, I’ll buy the tickets and snacks.

Theatre Room

14.30 p.m.

The lights went off as the screen started to play advertisements for a long 15 minutes….

…

The scene in the movie showed the main characters’ passionate lovemaking. Hochang swallowed his saliva and clenched his fist hard, as he’s not used to it (well, actually who doesn’t watch that kind of movies? But Yeeun is beside him, so he’s oddly nervous).

Yeeun who saw what Hochang did, quickly grabbed his right fist and held it to assure him that it’s not a big deal and that he’s gonna be okay. Hochang who realized Yeeun’s gesture loosened his fist.

16.40 p.m.

Yeeun and Hochang walked out of the theater, and when Hochang became aware that it’s still 4.40, he thought, ‘oh shit, it’s only 4.40?! What to do…’

Yeeun: What are we gonna do now?

Hochang: …

Yeeun: Mwoya, I thought you had everything planned?

As Yeeun criticized him, he scratched his head and got a little nervous.

Hochang: Yeeun-ah… Actually…

Before Hochang finished his words, suddenly someone called Yeeun and Hochang from afar.

Yeeun: Eunjae-ya! Eun-ah!

Eunjae: Sunbae! What are you doing here?

Yeeun: We just finished watching a movie

Eunjae: aah, okay…

Yeeun: What is this? Now you guys are having a double date together? Janghoon, how come you’re here? I thought you’re in the army?

Eun: Eo, Yeeun-sunbae, Janghoon received a 5-day off holiday. Isn’t it so cool?

Yeeun: Wah, you’re so lucky!

Janghoon scoffed: Hahahahah, I know. She should be thankful that her boyfriend is working so hard so that he can go home to meet her before the 2 years period.

Eun glared at Janghoon for his petty statement.

Chungwon: anyway, Hochang-hyung and Yeeun-sunbae, do you want to follow us? We’re going to the amusement park.

Hochang: It’s a great idea. Yeeun-ah, do you wanna go with them?

Yeeun: well, alright!

Eunjae: Let’s go!

Maybe God is with Hochang this time. Without meeting the two couples, Yeeun’s mood could’ve gone down in a slope now.

Amusement Park

17.20 p.m.

While the girls walked in front hand-in-hand, being excited with the occasion, the guys walked together behind, staring at their girlfriends’ backs.

Hochang: Hey, what to do… I have a reservation dinner at Namsan Tower today at 8 p.m.

Chungwon: waa Hyung, you prepared a lot for today, huh

Janghoon: Gwaenchana, you can stay here for about 1.5 hours and just take taxi from here. It won’t take long, 30 minutes I guess. Check the map.

Hochang: But isn’t 1.5 hours too fast to spend in here?

Janghoon: don’t worry. We’ve got your back.

Chungwon: Eo, anyway Yeeun-sunbae would be tired already since she already watched a movie with you, no?

Hochang: Arasseo. I’ll rely on you, ok?

The couples rode so many attractions at the theme park, and Yeeun couldn’t believe the awkward Hochang that she knew is actually an extreme-ride maniac. He’s so fun when it comes to amusement park activities.

Chungwon and Eunjae came back wearing couple head bands, those cute ones that could pass a children’s accessories. Eun and Janghoon stared at the sight with total awkwardness, as they both thought those matching things are cheesy and childish. But what to do, they’re inexperienced when it comes to dating, so they don’t know exactly what to do.

By now, the couples have separated from each other and are now doing their own things..

Janghoon grabbed Eun by her hand and said,

Janghoon: Eun-ah, let’s go ride that (while pointing up)

It’s a ferris wheel. 

Eun nodded and held Janghoon’s hand tight as they walked past the sea of couples who seemed to be enjoying themselves at the amusement park too.

The sun has set and the sky has gone darker at 6.30 p.m.

Eun and Janghoon queued in line, waiting for their turn to hop on the ferris wheel. As they reached the front line of the queue the operator told them to be careful as they step onto the capsule, because it’s not gonna stop.

Finally, It’s just the two of them. For the past hours, they’ve been hearing loud noises of people in the amusement park. People screaming, laughing, and talking casually.

Eun: It feels nice, and the night view from here is so pretty.

Janghoon: are you happy?

Eun: hm…

Without them realizing, they’re reaching the top of the ferris wheel, and without notice, Janghoon told Eun earnestly,

Janghoon: Eun-ah…

Eun kept her eyes on Janghoon, waiting for what he’s about to say.

Janghoon: Saranghae.

Janghoon leaned towards Eun who was sitting in front of him, and kissed her as the capsule reached the highest peak of the wheel. 

It was delicate and pure, reminding Eun of their first kiss outside Belle Epoque.

19.00 p.m.

Hochang: Yeeun-ah, are you tired?

Yeeun: A little…

Hochang: Actually, I still have something I wanted to do with you

Yeeun: what is it?

Hochang: Let’s go.

Hochang and Yeeun rode on a taxi outside the amusement park, heading to their last destination of the special day.

19. 45 p.m.

Yeeun: Namsan? (she asked with a big smile on her face)

Hochang: Hm…

Hochang held Yeeun’s hand and headed towards n.Grill, a French restaurant located at the top of Namsan Tower. 

Hochang made a reservation in this restaurant from a month before. That’s how much he put his thought to give Yeeun a nice Valentine’s day experience.

As they reached the restaurant, the waiter showed them to their table. The view was so breathtaking. Yeeun’s face was bright in awe of the night view of Seoul, she couldn’t feel any happier.

Yeeun: Kwon Hochang…

Hochang: ?

Yeeun: I’m delighted. I didn’t expect you had prepared this much for today. I’m sorry if I hurt your feeling today after the movie.

Hochang: Yeeun-ah, no, you don’t have to feel sorry for anything.

The food that has been ordered in advance by Hochang came out not long after they arrived. 

Eating in a fancy restaurant isn’t a rare occasion for Yeeun, but that night was special, because she could be herself in front of Hochang. She doesn’t have to suppress her desire to eat, unlike when she had to do it in from of her mom. 

Moreover, Seoul’s night view and the dots of lights painted the glass window beautifully, as Yeeun and Hochang had their first and most romantic dinner.

19.40 p.m.

Yoon-sunbae was about to head home when she had the time to check her kkaotalk messages.

Jaehwan:

I’m sorry.

I can’t go to Seoul today,

I know it’s a special day

I’ll visit on the weekend.

Love you ❤

Jinmyung understood how difficult it is for Jaehwan to visit her in Seoul. The last time she met him was during New Year’s celebration over a month ago, where they went to a countdown show together in the cold, cold winter. She missed Jaehwan so much, but she knew distance is there to halt them from meeting.

Jinmyung types on her phone before finally sending her reply:

Jinmyung:

Gwaenchana-yo.

See you this weekend ❤

Jinmyung kept her phone back in her blazer pocket and forced a smile, before walking outside the office to go back home.

Villa Sortino, Seoul

19.45 p.m.

Sungmin arrived at the restaurant first. He parked his car on the side of the road and went in.

At the reception

Receptionist: Yes sir, how can I help you?

Sungmin: There’s a reservation under the name Song Jiwon?

Receptionist: Yes, there is… For two people? But you came alone?

Sungmin: Ah, yes… She’ll come later

Receptionist: Okay, let me take you to your table.

Sungmin sat down at the table while waiting for Jiwon. He turned his head left and right to observe the restaurant.

10 minutes later, he saw a figure he couldn’t recognize approaching the table with the receptionist earlier.

As they got closer, Sungmin couldn’t believe his eyes as the girl he’s known for his whole uni life is standing in front of him, probably looking the prettiest in the course of her life. 

Her hair was straight with waves at the bottom, and the dress she was wearing was pink, decorated with delicate floral embroidery. Not to mention, she smelt so damn good.

Sungmin’s zoning out moment stopped as Jiwon exclaimed

Jiwon: Ya! You! Why are you here?!

Sungmin: Me? You’re the one who invited me here. What do you mean?!

Jiwon: What? What are you talking about? I never— Aish! Kang-eonni!

Jiwon grasped that Kang-eonni must’ve set her up with Sungmin. ‘Why?’ Jiwon thought hard to herself.

Sungmin: are you disappointed?

Jiwon: I don’t know.

Sungmin: Just sit down.

Jiwon followed Sungmin’s words as he told her to sit opposite him.

Sungmin: What do you want to eat?… Steak?… Pas-

Sungmin was about to say pasta, when he remembered what Jiwon said about pasta last year when he caught her outside the restaurant, spying on him.

‘Do you think pasta is just a meal? What is pasta? It’s a meal for a couple.’

Jiwon: I’ll just go with Pasta.

Sungmin gulped in nervousness as Jiwon decided on that. But in the end, Sungmin ordered pasta too, for don’t know what reason.

In the middle of eating…

Jiwon: Well, since we’re here already, why don’t the both of us just do what people do during blind dates?

Sungmin, who doesn’t know what people talk about in blind dates (as he never went to one), responded,

Sungmin: What do people do during blind dates?

Jiwon: Well, they ask about each other’s interests, hobbies, what kind of food they like, what countries they’ve been to… Things like that? But for me, I like to make it extra special. Drinks!

Sungmin: Forget about those background checks. Think about this. What do I not know about you? and what do you not know about me? Can you think of any?

Jiwon: (Jiwon hesitated a lot and said), well, we’ve known each other enough to know everything about each other.

Sungmin: Right? Okay, let’s go get some drinks, then.

Jiwon: ooooo, Im Sungmin, did you get striked by a lightning? you’re so lively now.

Sungmin just smirked as Jiwon commented nonchalantly. 

To be honest, he just wanted to spend Valentine’s Day together with Jiwon for a longer time, that’s why he asked her to go have some drinks.

As they both finished eating their pasta, they headed to the cashier to pay the bills. 

Sungmin grabbed his wallet from his pocket and paid their meals in full. Before they left the restaurant, the receptionist commented.

Receptionist: You two look good together. I hope you’ve enjoyed your date on Valentine’s Day. Hope to see you again on your next visit. Thank you!

Jiwon thought, ‘Valentine’s Day?’

Jiwon: Today’s Valentine’s Day?! (Jiwon asked Sungmin as she just realized the date).

Sungmin: eo, why?

Jiwon: Then what am I doing?! I should be doing something romantic with a guy now.

Sungmin’s heart plunged as he heard Jiwon’s statement. But he quickly brushed it off.

Sungmin: Let’s go have some drinks. And what’s with that pout? You look ugly.

Jiwon followed Sungmin as they headed towards the car.

21.58 p.m.

Sungmin parked his car in the basement of a high-end apartment complex. 

Jiwon: Ya, where are we?

Sungmin: It’s my place.

Jiwon: are you rich?

Sungmin: no, my parents are.

Jiwon, who just found out about this, nodded in acceptance. 

She thought she knew everything about him, but no, actually, she doesn’t. It made her realize just how mysterious Sungmin is.

Jiwon: But why are we at your place? Aren’t we supposed to have some drinks?

Sungmin: I have lots of soju and beers at home

Jiwon: You brat, why did you never ask me to come have a drink at your place?

Sungmin: Molla. Let’s go.

Sungmin and Jiwon went inside the apartment building’s lift, and Sungmin pressed the level number ‘25’.

…

Sungmin entered the passcode to his apartment door, and when the door opened, Jiwon was in awe at Sungmin’s luxurious apartment. 

Jiwon: Do you live alone in here?

Sungmin: Hm...

She put her bag in the living room, walked around the open space, and even went inside every room she could find in that enormous apartment.

Jiwon: Ya Im Sungmin, how come you never had a girlfriend? If you told them you live in an apartment like this, girls will line up for you everyday.

Inside Sungmin’s heart, he thought, ‘you dense girl, it’s you that I like. How am I supposed to be with another girl?’ 

Sadly, he couldn’t say it out loud. Yet.

Sungmin left Jiwon to wander around the apartment, and prepared the drinks and glasses from the kitchen counter. Sungmin put the bottles of soju and beer on the coffee table in the living room.

Jiwon came out of one of the rooms and joined Sungmin who was already sitting down on the carpet in the living room.

There was silence between these man and woman as they realized that they’re the only ones in that place now, isolated from any other human beings and disturbances.

Sungmin poured himself a shot of Soju. 

Seeing this, Jiwon gave him a word of critic.

Jiwon: ckckck, how old-fashioned. Here, I’ll make you the best somaek (soju + beer) you’ll ever taste in your life.

Sungmin kept quiet and let Jiwon mix it for him and herself. 

The two hit their refreshing glasses of somaek before gulping it down in one shot. They let go a sigh of satisfaction from the burning sensation.

Sungmin: You’re good, (while smiling).

Jiwon: See? What did I tell you?

Sungmin: hey by the way, how long have we known each other for?

Jiwon: We first met during orientation, so 4 years?… It’s been 4 years already?! Why is it so fast… I feel like I just met you a few months ago.

Sungmin, realizing that they’ve known each other for 4 years, thought about how long it’s been since he literally never landed another woman except Jiwon in his heart.

The two kept drinking and drinking while at the same time sharing so many stories they have yet shared in those 4 years. 

Maybe it’s the magical effect of alcohol, but Sungmin never felt this comfortable in his life. He never shared so much about his experiences with anyone, no one but the beautiful woman who’s sitting next to him now.

For every glass of somaek Sungmin drank, he became more and more honest each time. 

Jiwon, who’s quite a strong drinker, laughed as she witnessed the rare sight of her quiet friend acting funny.

Jiwon: Im Sungmin, I didn’t know you’re capable of making jokes like that, Jiwon complimented Sungmin with laughter.

Sungmin who heard Jiwon, gazed at her eyes. 

‘And it happened yet again…,’ Jiwon thought. Just like the day before.

Flashback

In Sungmin’s car after the trial

Jiwon was thankful towards Sungmin who’s been there to support her in investigating Mr. Han’s case.

Jiwon: Sungmin-ah… Thank you.

The car stopped as the traffic light turned red. Sungmin who was looking at the road now has his eyes on Jiwon’s. 

As they’re both now locking their gaze, Jiwon felt a weird feeling she’s never felt before. She tought, ‘what the hell is this? Why does my stomach feel funny? And why is my heart beating like this?’

Luckily, there were sounds of cars honking at the back, so the two got back to their senses. 

When Sungmin dropped Jiwon off at Belle Epoque, she touched her heart to feel it. She laid herself down on the sofa and murmured to herself.

Jiwon: Do I… like him?, while staring at the ceiling.

Flashforward

Sungmin’s Apartment

The two are still gazing at each other’s eyes. At that moment, both of them totally forgot what’s happening and what they were even doing in the first place.

Sungmin who’s a little tipsy and Jiwon who’s completely awake approached each other’s lips at the same time. 

As their lips touched, Sungmin cupped his right palm on Jiwon’s left cheek and his left palm on Jiwon’s neck. 

He felt their lips and tongue danced in synchronization, as he let his suppressed feelings for Jiwon all out. He couldn’t hold it in any longer, as this long overdue kiss was all he’s been longing for.

Jiwon got more and more immersed in the intimacy, and squeezed Sungmin’s loose shirts around his waist. 

She could feel Sungmin’s soft lips playing with hers gently and full of passion. Honestly, it felt so damn good. It’s as if the world belonged to her and Sungmin.

Sungmin pulled out his warm lips and detached it from Jiwon’s, stood up from his position, and carried Jiwon’s light figure, heading towards his room at the end of the hallway.

While Jiwon was carried by Sungmin, she thought, ‘so this is how a real kiss feels like. I want more.’ 

Sungmin pushed the door to his room with his back, and closed it with his feet as he approached his bed to lay Jiwon down on the mattress, caressing his lips once again on Jiwon’s soft lips that he’s gone familiar with now. 

The burning passion of the two equally lustful man and woman continued. As the rhythm got stable, Sungmin unbuttoned his shirt one by one, with the help of Jiwon who’s in the mood. Sungmin then dragged down Jiwon’s dress zipper in a moderate speed and pulled the dress off her body. 

Jiwon switched her position, and now she’s on top of Sungmin, who has his back on the sheets. 

Jiwon who’s left with her matching lacy black underwear on, kissed Sungwon’s neck and traced her lips down to Sungmin’s hard chest, all the way to his sculpted muscles on his belly part. Both Sungmin and Jiwon could feel the sensuality created by their strong affection for one another.

As Jiwon reached his lower body, Jiwon said.

Jiwon: Wait, where’s my bag?

Sungmin: Outside, why?

Jiwon: Protection.

Sungmin: Thank God. You carry it with you?

Jiwon: Of course. Who knows when I’m ever gonna do it, right?

Sungmin: Ah, sorry I’m so bad at this

Jiwon: ssshhhh. that’s not important now.

Jiwon hurriedly ran towards her bag in the living room, took it with her to Sungmin’s room and reached out a packet of condom. She jumped back to the bed and instructed Sungmin,

Jiwon: Take it off, (while pointing at his pants)

Without further ado, Sungmin removed his pants and tossed it to the side of his bed.

Sungmin: Jiwon-ah, are you sure?

Jiwon: Shut up.

Jiwon who couldn’t resist Sungmin’s charm, pulled his body up such that her legs are now wrapped around Sungmin’s waist. 

As they gazed at each other’s eyes for a moment, they attached their foreheads together, put on a subtle smile and let their lips lock again. The kiss was deeper this time. 

Sungmin’s fingers reached out to Jiwon’s back to unclasp her bra and reached her lower waist, as he removed whatever was left on her, Jiwon did the same to Sungmin as she helped him take off his boxer. 

Jiwon tore open the packet she took earlier with her teeth and gave him the night’s savior, the protection she’s been keeping in her bag for the longest time.

As they’ve reached this state now, there’s no going back. 

Sungmin and Jiwon continued on as the night of privacy and intimacy between them developed into a dangerous yet romantic moment they’ve never experienced in their life before. 

‘So this is how it feels,’ Jiwon thought to herself. It’s so good, and it made her happy. ‘But I’m sure, I can feel it this way only because it’s Sungmin.’

As they reached the peak, they laid themselves facing each other and covered themselves with a warm blanket.

A moment of silence was created as the two locked their gaze, Jiwon’s eyes was shining, and it was focused at Sungmin, whose eyes were full of his affection and love for Jiwon. 

Without them realizing, they both closed their eyes in sync, lips hooked while letting their gut feelings and reflex guide them to the deepest French kiss they’ve only witnessed in those Western movies. 

They weren’t exactly sure how much time has passed, as they both tried to catch their breath from kissing. They stared at each other for a moment with sweet smiles on their faces. 

They gave each other one last goodnight peck before getting into a comfortable cuddle position – Jiwon placing her head on Sungmin’s broad chest, and Sungmin hugging Jiwon tight in his arms, as they both head over to dreamland.

Thank you for reading.

Read the next chapter:

Chapter 2.5

[cocoarosalia]

Rocking The Cradle Chapter 1

As I near the end of my first big fanfic, I kinda wanted to post it here to see what the general Tumblr community thinks of it. If the first chapter does relatively well here then I’ll be happy to post the others. Anyway, please enjoy my first Miraculous Ladybug fanfic

‘Who comes up with this shit?’

She stared down at the assignment blinking. Early Parenting Project, the words stared back at her like a really lame joke. Who the hell came up with the concept of letting lycée students adopt orphans for a school year just to teach them about parenthood? Marinette pinched the bridge of her nose in annoyance. While the project itself was fine albeit a bit odd, she was far more concerned about how she would balance that, regular school work, a semi decent social life and oh of course BEING LADYBUG. The last thing she needed was to fight akumas with a juice box in her hand instead of her yoyo. She took a very deep sigh.

‘My life is so comically shitty’

She looked over to Alya to she how she felt about this whole situation and as expected the journalist in training was taking it immensely better than she was.

“Personally I don’t think it’ll be that bad” she said “I mean they give your a weekly allowance to take care of your kid, you just have to keep a journal on how things are doing and they give the kids a daycare to go to, you pick your kid, and on top of that you get a partner so i mean it’s not like they want us all to be single parents that are broke as shit.”

Marinette mulled over Alya words “yea I guess that’s true but adoption? We can’t even take care of ourselves.”

“Well maybe this is to help us figure out how to do that” Nino said, turning in his seat to join in the girls debate “No better way to learn than just doing it.”

He then turned to Adrien to get his opinion but the look he saw suddenly made him refrain. He looked like he was debating with life and death, his green eyes boring deeply into the paper packet just underneath his nose.

Nino reached out to touch his shoulder. “Uhh you alright man?”

Adrien jumped in his seat, coming out of his mental dispute “What? Oh yea man im fine. Yup totally fine, not freaking out in the least little bit. What makes you say that? Hahahaha”

All three of his friends gave him blank empty looks

‘He’s totally flipping out’ they all thoughts simultaneously

“Ignoring Adrien’s eventual asylum admittance for the moment, how do you think they’ll have us pick partners?” Alya inquired.

“Pick a name out of a hat?” Marinette offered

“Computer randomization” Nino suggested

“Maybe we can pick our own partners” Adrien finally said after finally rejoining reality.

Marinette thought about the idea of picking a partner to parent with. Obviously if she had the choice (and the bravery) she’d pick adrien in a heartbeat. Who wouldn’t want to suddenly become a parent with their long time crush? That would be the dream.

‘But let’s be real here Mari’ she thought sadly ‘there’s no way Adrien would wanna partner with someone who couldn’t even get through a proper conversation without her face turning straight tomato. He’d sooner pick Chloé just for pure confidence sake.’

“Well since this is a school wide project I sure hope we can so I can bag myself a hot mama partner with” Nino said with a daydream look on his face.

Alya scoffed “Yea cause any girl is gonna want a DJ daddy as their partner”

“Don’t scoff at me woman I could be a great dad. I’d be teaching my kid the top of line life lessons.”

“Like what? How to strike out with every guy or girl they meet? Or how to get chewed out by their mom every time they try to put together a set for a show that’ll never come”

“Look dammit I’ll have you know…”

And off they went bickering back and forth over something goofy like an old married couple. Though some might wonder if the two really hated each other Adrien and Marinette knew that deep down there was a lot of love being exchanged too… even if they don’t know it yet.

But ever so quickly marinette found herself peering over at adrien as he watched the two, observing his bright smile and joyous laugh. There was something truly captivating about the boy in front of her that she could never place her finger on; but to be honest she didn’t care. All she knew is that if she could spend the rest of her life with him even if it just amounted to one day she’d take it with acute quickness.

‘What a nice thought’ she mused to herself gently smiling ‘coming home after a long day. Kicking off my heels to the sound of little pattering feet with long heavy feet following close behind to come greet me. And then there she is, my perfect little daughter bounding down the stairs to tell me all about her day. I pick her up and give her the biggest hug I can muster. Then here comes daddy, big smile and an even bigger hug to match as he sweeps me into his arms her in tow. I feel utter bliss. And then… as my little girl shields her eyes so she doesn’t see her daddy leans in real nice and-’

“ALRIGHT CLASS IT’S TIME TO RECEIVE YOUR PARTNERS!”

Marinette head slams on the table as her hand gives out from under her, jerking her away from her dreamy family fantasy. The impact was so loud that it caused the whole class to turn right toward the sound. Rightfully mortified she mutters a slight ‘“i’m fine” and slumps in her seat, hiding her reddening face behind a textbook.

“...well then ignoring that for now. Due to there being a decent amount of you in this class we’ve decided to just let a computer pick your partners for you.” a ‘called it!’ could be heard from nino who received a fist bump from adrien in response. “Just know that it’s already determined and you can’t do anything about it...just like real marriage”.

The class waited anxiously to receive the results. The teacher looked at all their eager faces.

“You know what? Just cause i’m an asshole and it’s fun i’m not going to tell any of you in front of the whole class instead i’ll call one half of the partners and then YOU can let the other half know who you got” The class effectively booed in disapproval “Oh boo yourselves!”

And so the teacher began rattling off the names of student to come down and receive the names of their partners. Some walked off indifferent, some looked pretty pissed, but most were pretty alright with the results

“Nino Lahiffe” the teacher called out. Nino couldn’t wait to see who he got and immediately rushed down to hear who he got. However though, his walk back was a little less than jovial as he returned to his seat deflated.

“So? Who’d you get?” adrien asked curious

Nino took a long deep breath and turned his head toward Alya who stared back expectantly waiting for him to speak.

“Well Alya looks like you’re the one stuck with good ol’ DJ daddy”

“Ha Ha. Watch out everyone looks like we got a fucking comedian on our hands.”

The silence permeating amongst the group was deafening.

“Nino, quit bullshitting you’re kidding right?”

It felt like the silence grew louder.

“Holy shit you’re not kidding are you?”

“Marinette Dupain-Cheng” The teacher called from the end of the room

“Oh wow! look at that an excuse to not be in the blast radius of this conversation; I’m just gonna go check it out real fast” Marinette announced quickly as she got up to receive her partner. Adrien looked back at her pleading for an excuse to leave as well but she just gave an apologetic look as she had no answers to give.

Turning back to the issue at hand marinette held her breath as she received the folded slip of paper containing her partner’s name. It could be anyone. Nathaniel, Ivan *gasp* maybe even chloe!

“Please god if you exist… at least make it not be chloe”

Marinette then quietly returned to her seat folded paper still in hand and sat down just missing Alya’s realization and chewing out of Nino.

Adrien looked back at her curious as to what was written on that little sheet of paper.

“So what’d you get Mari it clearly wasn’t worse than getting Nino” Alya Inquired

“You know if we’re gonna be parents I’m gonna need you to not diss me every time you open your mouth” Nino demanded

“Then this is gonna be one silent partner ship isn’t it?” Alya retorted back. She could feel Nino flipping her off just outside her vision.

“Well I don’t know I haven’t opened it yet.” Marinette admitted sheepishly

“So then open it”

Hesitation began to fill her up inside

“Just open it”

Worry and anxiety came next

“Why isn’t she opening it?”

Then annoyance

“Do you think she knows how to open it?”

“Alright Alya I’m opening it!” Marinette said annoyed at the constant prodding

She shut her eyes tight and opened it quickly, cracking one eye open she caught a peek at the name written before her and instantly…

Marinette.exe just shut down

“Mari? Hellooooo. Are you dead?” Alya snapped and waved her hand in front of the blue bell’s face trying to get an answer and after a minute mari blinked coming too

“So you gonna tell us or just play statue for a while cause i got things to do and me and nino gotta go shopping.”

“Shopping? For what?”

“Uhh for our kid? Duh. We gotta get toys and books obviously.”

“We don’t even know the gender or age of the kid yet!”

“They make gender neutral toys.”

“Extremely not the point-”

“Adrien”

The conversation paused as the group looked at her, especially adrien’s as green eyes met blue.

“Uh yea Mari?”

“I’m gonna be your mama.”

“I’m sorry?”

Alya and Nino watched the exchanged surprised by the result.

“No! No I mean you’re gonna be the father to my child.”

“Mari, you’re getting so terribly worse, go back.” Alya chuckled as she looked at Adrien’s mortified face.

“Oh my god. You’re my partner!”

Relief washed over Adrien’s face “Oh thank god that’s what you meant”. But shortly after delight over took his kind features as he beamed a smile right at Marinette.

“Well then, all I can say is let’s raise a good kid ‘mama’.”

[spainmozsombi]

New course and some music

On monday I went to a new course, titled political economics, to see if I like that better than the one with the uncontrolled debates about feminism (Theory of democracy gender and interculturalism..)..I met a german dude (from the first night we went to get tapas with Oliver, and a bunch of his flatmates joined) in front of the class and he told me that there’s a test every week but it’s online, and you can use the internet to solve it so no need to worry. The class itself was pretty interesting, he explained some models, im pretty sure this was the first time I paid attention for more than 30 minutes (since I am attending classes here). Plus I was able to fully understand his english. As I later found out he’s british so no wonder why. There weren’t any politics in the course but it was still interesting so I decided to take it and drop the Gender course. After class I invited Oliver over for lunch cause I made a lot of pasta the previous day. 

On tuesday I went to the same class, it was rather group work then, and the teacher just created a few new ones from the ‘leftover’ people. I got into a group with a german dude (lol), a spanish guy and a palestinian girl. We got some math related excercises to solve. That was the moment when I changed my mind about being in the right place, but as it turned out the rest of the group also wasn’t very sure about how to solve it so that made things a bit better. The second part of the class was more about theoretical questions which I felt much more comfortable with. I went shopping after class, and first time ever, bought some seafood (shrimp!), which I made for lunch right when I got home. Surprisingly It turned out pretty darn good (made it in a pan with olive oil, lemon, garlic and some salt+pepper). For the same afternoon my plan was to meet with Óscar, my spanish friend from Magreb class, and play some tunes on his guitar. There was also a gathering that evening by some erasmus people who play any kind of instruments. After playing a few songs in the courtyard of a monastery we joined this gathering in a park (which is actually pretty nice, gonna go there just to walk around at some point, it definitely worth more than one visit!). People were nice, italian, spanish, german, polish(?), and the rest I can’t remember. We played some songs together, it was all very chill. In the end only Óscar, me, and an italian dude left. We quite enjoyed playing together. 

On wednesday I had no classes so I was planning to learn some spanish and python (programming) and even though I didn’t do much of that it was still a good day cause, well first of all, my thesis supervisor teacher, from my home university, finally replied to my email (I was waiting for his answer for 2 weeks) and I sent him another one on wednesday, what a surprise, he replied in about 5 minutes. I think I already wrote about it but if not then now’s the time, so my thesis for the masters is gonna be an application for mountain bike route planning inside the GIS (geographical information system, IT+geography) software ArcMap. And the plan is to record (by gps) as many routes as I can here in Granada, and put them into this software. So the thing I asked from my supervisor was if he knows any app for phone from which I can easily extract the gps data. His reply was “figure out how to export the data from the application and then..”..Cool. much help, thanks. I’ve been using the app Strava to record my routes and I had no idea how to do the above mentioned thing, but I managed to figure it out. The next question was how to import this data into the software (ArcMap) I am supposed to use for the application. After some googleING i was also able to find a solution for this problem. It may sound lame just reading this but this small step was the thing that already made my stomach hurt when I was thinking about the whole thesis, thus I am extremely happy that I could do it! (Haven’t had the gutts to write this in an email to my supervisor cause then he’s gonna give me the next task and I don’t want that..lol.)

On thursday was an open mic event (there’s a stage, instruments, and whoever wants to play any song can do that, the gathering on tuesday was basically a rehearsal for this), where we were planning to play a few songs with Óscar. (I had two courses that day, nothing extraordinary, on the first one we managed to distract ourselves with Oliver for most of the class so time passed pretty fast. I’m not proud of it, we got coffee after class...the second one was in the evening, that didn’t pass that fast...) So, the Open Mic was in a club/pub called Playmobil. Yes, the toy for kids Playmobil, they had some of them behind the bar. The place itself wasn’t very fancy (kinda like Kiskorsó/jobbmint at home only with less tables, more place to dance). Quite a lot of people gathered for the event, from all over the world, UK, Spain, Australia, Austria, Germany, Czech Republic, etc, (it was an erasmus event so it was expected). There were all kind of performances, people singing together with ukulele, guitar+singing, acapella, cajon+guitar+singing, piano+singing etc etc. We played ‘Don’t look back in anger’ from Oasis, (I sang+played the guitar, Óscar played on the piano) and two Coldplay songs, ‘Fix you’, and ‘The Scientist’. We only planned to play fix you and don’t look back in anger but the crowd seemed to enjoy our silly little performance soooo I looked up the lyrics for the scientist and Óscar played it on guitar. The thing is I don’t have a lot of memories cause I was really, really nervous, my legs were shaking, I closed my eyes while singing, but as I recalled it after I got home (and Óscar also confirmed this) that the crowd was singing most of the songs, they were holding up their phones as lighters and all sooo I think it was good. I wish there would be some videos of it, but I haven’t found any yet. We might play some street music with Óscar at some point, I think we get along pretty well, plus we have kind of the a good match with songs that can be played on the street.

Well mostly because of that I skipped my class on friday morning (which I will drop if everything works out). I handed in my course changing-deleting papers (today was the deadline), hope it will work out. I need to have at least 3 courses. If there are no problem with the number of people for the economic course (there’s a limit. The guy at the international office, who’s in charge of erasmus students, told me that if there are still empty seats in the classroom then there shouldn’t be any problem..) and I can take that, and I can drop the democracy course then it’s all good, otherwise, if I drop the democracy course but I can’t get in to the economic course theeeen I’m gonna have a bit of a problem but let’s not think about that now. In the evening I had the Magreb course were we started working on this TED talk that’s one of the requirements of the course. Our topic is child labour in Morocco (now that i typing it, i think I wrote about this before. whatever.) Went shopping after and made some new new thing for dinner, suggested by my sister (thanks!). Couscous-tuna-olives-dried(?)tomatoes-and olive oil. It turned out okay.

Tomorrow I’m going bouldering for the first time with the group from the magreb course, I’m pretty curious how it will turn out, I still have some problems with my wrist, I actually wanna go and see a doctor next week cause this is getting way too annoying..

That’s all folks!

[cleanlittlesecret]

Regarding the canonity of angelotte relationship, i would say that theirs is one that doesnt rly need a i love you or a kiss to prove their relationship. Not to mention ange did say"i hate the princess"in ep3 while falling,the princess saying"i love the old you"at the boat mission and the "turtledove' thing. There always will be a level of deniability regarding yuri relationships. Some people legit think cocona's i love you to papika is platonic rather than romantic(straight ppl are rly weird)

in case u dont kno cocona/papika is from flipflappers, an anime from the same studio as pri pri,studiio3hz. Not only the anime makes it clear papika/cocona is in a romantic relationship by the end, the director himself states that flipflappers is a yuri anime. So what im trying to say is it is unlikely that studio 3hz will yuribait( *cough* kyoani *cough* hibike). Ofc its a possibility, no matter how small, and the doubt is justified.

however its a shame that studio 3hz has to resort to sexualising these underage girls,given that the yuri in both pri pri and flipflappers is good and meaningful enough as it is without it. Its plain gross and just wrong,but the anime industry as we know it is guilty for sexualising young girlsand maybe studio3hz do so in order to compete with the other studios and not have a repeat of poor sales like flipflappers had last yr. Still tho, doesnt make it ryt.

tbh I have a lot of feelings on the “Angelotte not needing an overt romantic gesture to be confirmed canon” thing, so there’s a bunch of unnecessary rambling under the read more.

On one hand, I know society tends to have a double standard when it comes to same-sex relationships–as in, the old “if a man and a woman even make eye contact then they must be fated to get married and have a bunch of babies but two people of the same gender can literally declare their love for each other and live together afterwards and be ~really good friends~” nonsense–so believing the girls need something definite could be seen as buying into that mentality.

On the other hand, I know how a lot of creators tend to be when it comes to representing minority groups–i.e., it’s treated as another way to draw viewers to the work and is often done more for the entertainment of the majority-group viewers than the benefit of the people actually from the minority being represented, and if they can get that rep and viewership without actually diving into any kind of serious discussion of the group’s experiences or offending sensitive viewers, then all the better.

Which I guess is a long way of saying that portraying two girls with a shit-ton of romantic subtext between them but leaving it up to the fans to interpret the relationship is a way of having your cake and eating it too–all the lesbian imagery, none of the commitment to exploring lesbians’ lives or feelings or possibly drawing negative attention from homophobes. For extra fun, there’s the fact that Japan has already had the Class S thing which depicts sapphic attraction as something that is to be naturally grown out of as part of becoming an adult (straight) woman.

So basically, I know most f/f ships are kept in some state of deniability. I know cishet people are ridiculous. I’m just tired of feeling unsure about everything all the time, of feeling like I can’t say two girls are in love without the paranoia that some goblin could pop up to deny it. I already have to deal with enough denial and doubt as part of who I am, so I don’t enjoy worrying about those doubts in relation to the fiction I consume.

I still like Angelotte, and seeing them together in the show means a lot to me, but I have my lingering doubts about their relationship, and I struggle to call them canon with no disclaimers attached because I don’t want to be disappointed or cause anyone else to be disappointed later.

Anyways, onto the other point.

I actually watched Flip Flappers shortly after I first got into PriPri, so I am familiar with the characters and material you’re talking about, but I’ve never paid much attention to anything outside the show itself, so this is the first I’ve heard of the director calling it yuri or the show having poor sales. I have seen someone complain in an article about how hard it is to discuss how Flip Flappers portrays the recognition of sapphic attraction in yourself without someone jumping in to claim Cocona isn’t sapphic, but that’s about it. I don’t doubt what you’re saying about people denying it though, because people can be obtuse when it comes to this stuff.

However, I’m not sure about the implication you may be making here that FliFla’s sales numbers are the result of it like, not sexualizing its girls enough. The main thing that put me off of FliFla is how much it does sexualize fourteen-year-old girls with things like the transformation sequences and almost every single outfit Yayaka wore (and that’s not even getting into Nyunyu’s outfit, which can barely be considered clothes). Besides, there are many reasons an experimental show like this could under-perform in sales, so I would hope 3hz would have the sense to not blame it on not pandering to perverts enough.

And yeah, it doesn’t make it right. The anime industry continues to be a garbage fire.