#gay men and straight men can be friends without their being any ulterior motives

[thestrangestthlng]

Yall take this damn wee woo show way too seriously.

Honestly. Touch some grass.

Also, as soon as they decided they were going to go with BuckTommy, Tommy/Eddie ceased to exist. It’s not canon. Never was going to be canon.

Another thing, HenRen was NOT SERIOUS with that shoveltalk. It’s a play on a straight trope. And if you don’t know how to read people well enough to know they were sassing EACH OTHER, maybe you shouldn’t have an opinion on discourse.

He’s jealous of the 118 because they have a FOUND FAMILY (which is kinda the point of the show) which he didn’t have.

Also, can we have some male friendships on the show between queer and het men without there being ulterior motives? Please?

[chapter-61]

the reunion

CARRY ON COUNTDOWN DAY 14: Favorite Trope/Cliche

AO3, AU

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

I can, actually. Simon Snow can make me do anything just by asking. I’m weak.

“Don’t be dramatic,” the man in question tells me. “We’ll be fine.”

“You’re not the one who’s going to have to pretend to be dating you,” I say, because snark is my default state around Simon. This night is going to be horrible.

“It’s not too late to back out, I can always call Penny,” Simon says, as if he hadn’t asked her first. She said no, of course, so Simon had to come to me. That’s what I am, a last resort.

“We’re almost there, Snow. We might as well, now.” In fact, we’ve only got one intersection left, and then we’re at the location.

“Turn right here,” he points.

“I know.”

He rolls his eyes and I grin at the windshield. Annoying Simon is my specialty, after all. However, I might have to turn it down a notch for tonight.

“Try to be nice, alright? Or else this isn’t going to work.”

“I’m a fantastic actor,” I say as I parallel park the car perfectly. I’m not lying, I am a good actor. I’ve been friends with Simon for five years now, and he still hasn’t noticed my massive crush on him. We were roommates in college, and from the first moment I saw him, I was smitten. Then, he had to be the nicest guy possible, always helping me with projects and staying up late to spell-check my essays, and the rest is history.

Him not figuring it out might also have to do with his utter obliviousness, of course, because I’m quite sure that Penny has known for a while. He was probably distracted by Agatha, as well. But we don’t think about Agatha.

I turn off the car and wrestle myself out. I’m a bit too tall for my car, but I really like the model. Plus, driving around London with a big car is a nightmare, so I’ll keep my small one, thank you very much.

I shake my head to make my hair look elegantly messy and adjust my suit slightly while I move to the sidewalk, where Simon is waiting. He’s not looking too bad, his curls slightly more tamed than usual and wearing a gorgeous blue suit that matches his eyes. He’s a sight for sore eyes, alright. And I get to be his pretend boyfriend for the night. Terrific.

Simon exhales a laugh when I’ve reached him, and he’s looking at my suit. I feel slightly offended. It might be a bit overkill, but I know I look amazing in my flowered suit. I lift an eyebrow, daring him to say something, but he wisely stays quiet.

As we’re walking to the building he pointed out earlier, I say, “Remind me why I’m here again?”

“Baz, I’ve told you.”

“I want to laugh at you again,” I tell him. No other ulterior motives, of course.

He looks at me sideways and huffs. “We’re going to my school reunion. I wasn’t planning to go, but one of the bullies from back then baited me and now I can’t not show up.”

I nod along. “Of course. And?”

He sighs extensively, but continues. “I told him I’d bring my partner, but he didn’t believe me. Because who would want to date me, right?”

I tactfully keep my mouth shut.

“And then I asked Agatha and initially she said yes, but then, you know. We broke up. And now you’re here.”

“Because you asked me to be your pretend boyfriend.”

He groans and I laugh as if being his boyfriend is such a laughably idea.

“We’re here,” Simon says as we arrive at a wide building with glass doors. There’s a lot of people inside. Suddenly this seems like a bad idea.

“Wait,” I grab his arm (hello, biceps) and pull him back a little, so we don’t keep people from entering.

He looks at me questioningly, and then looks down at his arm where I’m still holding it. Oops. We’re not even inside yet and this night is already going great. I pull my hand back like I touched a stove (same thing, really) and clear my throat.

“What’s our story?”

“Huh?” He frowns. “Oh, right, we’re dating.”

I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make my heart flutter. Pathetic.

He says, “Can’t we use our story but with a few tweaks? Roommates in college, now we’re dating.”

“Romantic,” I remark, trying to extinguish my gay panic. Why did I agree to this?

Simon laughs. Oh yes, that’s why. “We’ll improvise, come on.”

He grabs my hand and pulls me to the doors. As we enter, I keep my eyes entirely on the people around me and the decorations, ignoring the burning feeling of Simon’s hand in mine.

We walk past a group of people, most of them our age. I can feel a lot of eyes on us, although I’m not sure if it’s because we’re two men holding hands or because I’m wearing this ridiculous suit. I flash them a nervous smile, finding myself incapable of anything else. The Baz from this morning would kick my arse for not looking intimidating, but he’s not in this situation.

Simon has finally stopped pulling me along. It appears we stopped at the food tables. Predictably.

“Are we going to hide here, forever?” Please say yes.

“Of course not,” he scoffs. “I just wanted to get a vantage point of the room.”

“And a snack,” I say, because I can see straight through his bullshit.

“And a snack,” he admits. He releases my hand in favour of a scone on the table. I glare at it.

Simon takes a bite and notices me looking. “What?” He says, mouth full. I shouldn’t find it so endearing.

Before I can reply, we’re joined by two women. “Oh my god,” one of them says. “Simon Snow?”

He manages to swallow his scone and smiles pleasantly at them. I can’t wait to see how this turns out. “Hi,” he says. “Uh...”

I snort. He clearly forgot who these women are. I decide to save him. “Good evening, girls. I’m Baz. Simon’s boyfriend,” I add, because I can. If only for one night.

Next to me, Simon chokes on his scone. For someone who loves food, he’s really bad at eating.

“Nice to meet you, Baz,” the first woman says to me. “I’m Anastasia, this is Nadine. We were in Simon’s class.”

“Right!” Simon has recovered. “Sorry, you just look really different.”

Anastasia laughs. “I’d hope so! You’ve changed a lot, too.”

Do I sense a hint of flirtation there? I will not stand for this. “I love your dress, Nadine. Did you make it yourself?”

“I did!” Nadine confirms. It was a fairly easy guess, considering how terrible it looks. It’s grey, boring, and hangs off her body without accentuating any shapes. I’m not saying I would be able to make a better dress, but I could.

“So, Simon,” Anastasia starts. I almost roll my eyes. This lady. “What do you do now? I always imagined you as a hero of some sort, like a fireman or a doctor.”

“I’m a kindergarten teacher, actually.” Simon says with pride. It makes me smile. He’s always crazy proud of those kids, constantly texting me about them and sending me pictures of drawings they made. He’ll be a great father someday.

I realise I’ve stopped listening to the conversation and I’ve been staring at Simon with a lovesick smile on my face for a few seconds and school my expression.

I’m pretty sure Nadine noticed but she doesn’t say anything, she just looks amused. Anastasia has come closer and is now within touching distance of Simon. Alarms are going off in my head but I keep still. I’m not his actual boyfriend, I shouldn’t care.

Then Anastasia laughs exaggeratedly and puts her hand on Simon’s chest, and I’m moving. I’ve grabbed his hand in a second and I tell the women, “We’re going to snog now,” while pulling Simon with me to an empty corner of the room.

Simon looks perplexed when I finally let go. I may have overreacted. “What are you doing?” He asks.

“What am I doing? What are you doing? That woman was clearly flirting with you!” I try not to sound too affected.

“Huh?” He says intelligently.

“I’m pretending to be your boyfriend,” I tell him, “you can’t go around letting people flirt with you while I’m standing right there!”

Simon frowns. “She wasn’t flirting with me.”

“God, Snow. You wouldn’t recognize someone having a crush on you if they were right in front of you.”

That hit a bit too close to home. I need alcohol. Thankfully, a waiter passes by us, and I grab a glass of champagne. I chug it in one go. It makes me feel slightly better about this evening.

Simon hasn’t said a word. He’s rubbing his neck and looking around.

“Seen him yet?” I ask.

“Hm? Who?”

“The bully. The reason we’re here.” I feel like I shouldn’t be reminding him of this, when he’s been so focused on this event the last few days.

“Oh. No, I haven’t seen him yet.”

I lean back against the wall and pull my leg up at an angle. “Next you’ll tell me you just wanted a reason to take me here.”

“Ha ha,” he says, still looking around. “Funny.”

“I try.”

It seems like most people have arrived. I take my phone out of my jacket and look at the time. Half past nine. Everyone should be here by now, unless they’re fashionably late.

Simon has settled on the wall next to me. I lean toward him. “Hey. How long are we staying?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know, we’ll see.”

I accept another glass of champagne. Simon hasn’t touched anything except for that one scone.

“D’you want another scone?” I ask him.

“Huh?”

God, what’s wrong with him? Somewhere between the women and now, something’s changed.

“Are you hungry? You’re awfully quiet all of a sudden.”

“I’m fine,” he says, not very convincing because he’s still staring in front of him.

I shuffle closer and hit him with my shoulder. I don’t know why. I keep it there, so our shoulders and arms are touching. It feels nice. I feel warm inside, but that might be the alcohol.

I can see someone coming over, so I reach out and grab Simon’s hand. I can feel him jump slightly, but he doesn’t react otherwise. It’s a man, relatively attractive, that goes straight for Simon.

“Simon! It’s been a long time, mate!”

Simon’s face lights up and he pulls away to shake the man’s hand. “Michael! I didn’t know you were coming.”

The man, Michael, shrugs. “Danielle talked me into it. What about you? I thought you said you couldn’t make it?”

I raise an eyebrow. Interesting. Simon laughs, but it sounds more like a nervous laugh. I’m not sure what’s going on. He makes a gesture at me. “Baz talked me into it as well.”

Michael turns to me. Like I said, relatively attractive. Next to Simon, he’s much less handsome. He looks at me curiously. “Baz, huh?”

“That’s me,” I smile. I’m using my empty glass as an excuse not to shake his hand.

“You’re, uhm… Together?”

“Yes,” I say. I’m his terrible boyfriend that he doesn’t even want to talk to.

“Really?” Michael sounds surprised as he turns back to Simon. The latter seems embarrassed for some reason. I’m not following.

“Since college,” I add.

“Interesting.”

Okay, what is happening? Everyone is suddenly incredibly reserved. I’m beginning to think there was something in my drink.

“Say, Michael,” I start. “You wouldn’t happen to know a bully from your school that would be here, would you?”

“A bully?” He turns to Simon again. “Who’s he talking about?”

“We’re only here for him,” I continue, “then we can go home, right Simon?”

He nods slowly, but he’s exchanging looks with Michael and I don’t like it.

“Oh, there you are!” A woman, presumably Danielle, joins us. “Honey, who are these handsome men?”

I’d feel flattered if I weren’t so confused.

Michael puts his arm around Danielle’s waist and gestures to Simon and I. “It’s Simon. I’ve told you about him.”

“Oh, Simon Snow! Nice to finally meet you,” she smiles at him warmly. I like her much more than Anastasia already.

“Hi, Danielle.” He looks like he’d rather jump out of a window than continue this conversation, and I can’t begin to wonder why. I’m quite certain Danielle is not the bully Simon was talking about, because he’d been using he/him pronouns.

I step forward so I’m next to my pretend boyfriend, and raise my glass at Danielle. “Hello, I’m Baz, Simon’s boyfriend.”

“Baz! I’ve heard so much about you! Wait.” She looks between us. I can hear Simon sigh next to me. “Boyfriend?”

“Uhm,” Simon says.

I copy Michael and put my arm around Simon’s waist. I feel him stiffen. We probably should’ve practiced this before tonight, but I didn’t think Simon would indulge me.

“Yes,” I say, because Simon is quiet.

Danielle looks delighted. “Oh, wow! Finally! Congratulations. Michael told me a lot about you two and I’m glad you finally worked it out.”

Michael and Simon both suddenly look very uncomfortable.

“It’s not...” Simon starts.

Danielle talks right over him. “How many times I’ve had to listen to Michael’s rants about Simon, concerning you! And then when he started dating that Agatha, he was very frustrated with him,” she tells me. I’m having trouble keeping track of what she’s saying.

“Danielle--” Michael starts.

“Oh Simon,” she keeps going, facing Simon now. “I told Michael it’d work out! I knew that if you just told him--”

“Okay!” Michael practically shouts, dragging Danielle away. “We’re going to get some food. I’ll see you later, Simon.”

“What?” I hear Danielle say while she’s being dragged away.

I am utterly lost. “What the hell is going on?” I demand.

“Fuck,” Simon replies.

“Simon?”

He’s leaning against the wall again and slowly sliding down to the floor. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s definitely something,” I say. “Wait here.”

I walk towards the table with drinks and drink some water, evading eye contact with the people around me. I’m not in the mood.

When I feel significantly less tipsy, I go back to Simon. He’s sitting on the floor now, with his hands in his hair.

“Simon,” I repeat. “What’s going on? What was she talking about?”

I join him on the floor and poke his leg.

“Can we just pretend this never happened?” He mumbles.

“Absolutely not.”

Simon huffs. “That’s what I thought.”

“Answer me.”

“I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now, you’re smart.”

My head is reeling and I’m glad I’m sitting down. “Pretend I’m still drunk and explain it to me.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Simon.”

“Baz.”

I reach out for his hands and gently take them from his head. I hold them between us and squeeze once. “Simon,” I repeat, quieter.

He sighs and lifts his head. He looks at me with a painful grimace, and then looks down at our hands. “I’ve been talking to Michael a lot over the past months,” he starts. “And after a while he noticed how much I mentioned you, even while I was still dating Agatha.”

My heart is beating so fast, I think I might faint.

“And he made me realise some things, I guess.”

“You guess?” I can’t help but interrupt.

“Yes, you twit. I realised something, and it was incredibly scary. Because I was still dating Agatha, you see? So I told her, and we broke up.”

“You weren’t that sad about it,” I’m starting to understand.

“Not really. We separated as friends. I told Penny, and she told me to take you here with me.”

“So there’s no bully? Why?”

“I just… Wanted to test it.”

“Wanted to test what?” I ask. I feel close to bursting.

Simon laughs slightly. “Test this.” He shakes our clasped hands. “Us.”

“Huh.” My soul has left my body at the moment.

“I was sure you didn’t feel the same way, but then you’ve been saying some things today, and now you’re being weird, so...”

“Simon.”

“You’ve been calling me Simon a lot this evening.”

“Simon.”

“Yes, Baz?”

“Say it.”

“Say what?” Now he’s just teasing me.

“You know what I mean.”

He smiles at me and I’m about to combust.

Then, on the tile floor of this random building, hired for a special event that Simon dragged me to under false pretenses, he says:

“I’m in love with you.”

My head was spinning but now everything is bright and clear and I laugh happily. “You’re terrible.”

He looks amused. “What?”

“I’ve been in love with you for five years, you incredible nightmare.”

His mouth falls open. “Really? Why didn’t you say anything?!”

“I didn’t think you felt the same way!”

“I think I’ve always been a little bit in love with you, it’s just gotten a lot stronger this year.”

“Well.” I say. I can’t believe this is happening.

Simon grins at me. Because he’s in love with me. Simon Snow is in love with me! “Well,” he says. And then, he leans forward.

And then, on this tile floor, he kisses me.

[ohjohnno]

Outrageous Fortune Reviewcap: S1E03 (”A Little More Than Kin”)

So, remember what I said about how Jethro’s lie about being part-Maori gets dropped pretty quickly? Well, it does, but not before we have to sigh and sit through an episode about it. It’s a silly idea from two directions - firstly, Jethro is very clearly white as snow, and secondly there’s no way the law firm at which he clerks would have been that lazy with their background checks - but it does, at least, provide us with a plot that gives the writers a chance to more firmly establish Jethro’s personality, and give us a few more clues into what makes him tick.

Cheryl loves Jethro because he’s a shining example to the rest of the family, proof that it’s possible for a West to go straight and live a life not defined by crime and dysfunction. And he is, accordingly, first seen in this episode working on some sort of legal problem, apparently on behalf of a Maori group who are in a dispute with a corporation (the details are left vague, probably for the better). But he soon falls into a dispute with cocky, intensely irritating fellow law clerk Hugh, who is somehow the only one who’s figured out that Jethro isn’t really Maori and figures he can use it to blackmail him. Jethro’s reaction to this is interesting, and troubling.

Hugh steals a piece of evidence Jethro found, hoping to claim credit for it himself and trusting that he has enough material on Jethro to prevent him from doing anything about it. I don’t think he ever had anything to worry about on that front, though - Jethro seems serious in his moral opposition to snitching (”family thing”, he says) and immediately opts to resolve the issue through dirty means. He gets Hugh drunk while Van and Munter raid his home, taking both the evidence he stole and a good deal more besides; Hugh ends up drunkenly revealing that he’s gay, which Jethro then immediately proceeds to use to turn the tables and blackmail him, trusting that the legal profession is still institutionally homophobic enough that it’ll be enough to keep him off his back.

Now, one might say that fair’s fair, and that Hugh was only reaping what he sowed here. I’m not gonna dispute that, exactly - it’s certainly difficult to feel any sympathy for the asshole, and the fact that he’s just performing heterosexuality doesn’t excuse the creepy way he behaves around women. But one can’t help but imagine that there were probably a whole bunch of ways Jethro could have handled this situation without resorting immediately to the traditional West route, and that depriving Hugh of so much expensive property for the simple crime of trying to take credit for some of Jethro’s work might actually be a teensy bit of an over-escalation. And then there’s the important matter of the qualitative difference between the two blackmails: Hugh is blackmailing Jethro over a lie he’s telling to cynically advance his own career at the expense of members of a disadvantaged minority, while Jethro is blackmailing Hugh over actually being a disadvantaged minority. 

So I don’t buy that this is a justified response. It is, rather, the first real set of evidence we have that Jethro’s apple really didn’t fall very far from the tree after all. He recruits Van into his scheme with full knowledge that Cheryl wouldn’t approve if she knew, fully understanding her mission and choosing to ignore it; he tries to convince his female PA to take Hugh home with her as part of the distraction, not yet knowing that he isn’t heterosexual and not at all caring that he gives her the creeps; and not once does he ever display any guilt for pretending to be Maori in order to receive what Hugh calls “brownie points”, not even when he’s clumsily speaking te reo to their faces. “You are one of them Wests, aren’t you?” says a shocked Hugh at the end; indeed he is, even if Cheryl is blind to it.

Speaking of Cheryl, she is once again the focus of the other main plot here, and it concerns similar themes. She leaves her supermarket job - voluntarily this time - and takes up work with a man called Allen, the husband of her cancer-stricken friend and himself an old friend of Wolf’s. But his motives turn out to be mighty impure, and the result is another mess.

It’s not the most interesting plot the show ever did - it’s a little predictable, honestly - but it does give us more insight into Cheryl’s own personality, and gives us more of a handle on one of her most important flaws. Early in the episode, at a party for the aforementioned friend, a drunk Eric doesn’t take no for an answer and has to be forced off Cheryl by Allen; an attempted sexual assault like that should be an instant friendship-ender, but the moment Eric’s gone Cheryl brushes it off, blaming it on the drink and absolving the man himself. Later, when Allen himself finally gets too horny and starts getting incredibly - and aggressively - inappropriate at work, Cheryl treats it probably far more frivolously than she should, and even after the police (unrelatedly) show up, she continues to insist that he’s a decent man. It’s a permissiveness she must have learned in the course of her marriage with Wolf, and it serves her ill.

It’s ironic, considering how hyper-sensitive she is to the danger of anything similar happening to Pascalle. She finds out that she works as a waitress in a strip club - a truth she presses out of Loretta, who seems remarkably uninterested in exerting any particular effort to maintain the lie - and warns her of the likely ulterior motives of her new boss; Pascalle rejects the counsel (loudly), citing Cheryl’s decision to work for “creepy uncle Allen”, and she does turn out to have something of a point. On the one hand, one totally feels for Cheryl’s concern for Pascalle, considering the latter’s naivete and vulnerability; on the other hand, one totally understands Pascalle, who knows that her mother doesn’t really like or properly respect the direction in which she’s taking her life anyway and is most probably correct to see some moralistic hypocrisy in her motives. Eventually Cheryl does accept Pascalle’s decisions, if only reluctantly, and the two mend the bridge; this is well-timed, because shortly thereafter Cheryl finds several of her other bridges afire.

This, see, is where Wolf comes into it. His part in this episode doesn’t tell us much we couldn’t already at least guess about him, but it is, at least, good to see it properly laid out that he is one of those men who gets incredibly paranoid in his possessiveness about his wife, and that, in turn, suggests things about him that haven’t yet been revealed. 

He’s a real bastard this episode, truly in unapologetic antagonist mode. He correctly guesses what, exactly, it is that Allen wants, even as Cheryl denies it, but he can’t bring himself to trust her to actually deal with it herself; instead, he immediately starts to undermine her, first by contradicting her about Pascalle (expressing approval of her new job, which Cheryl correctly notes would be unthinkable if he’d heard about it first) and then by breaking his own no-snitching code and getting Allen busted for various illegal side-activities, shutting down his entire business and depriving Cheryl of her income. After all his bleating about their children’s futures last episode, it’s instructive to see his priorities laid out: he might, indeed, value those futures, but he values his own possession of his wife’s purity more, and he’s willing to do anything necessary to protect it, no matter how much harm it causes. Of course, the fact that a man who assumes his woman would cheat on him at first opportunity is most probably projecting his own personal history goes unmentioned by any of the characters in the episode, but it’s hanging in the background nonetheless, especially considering what he knows about his friend Allen. ”Can’t keep his dick in his pants”, indeed - judge a man by the company he keeps.

This finally wears Cheryl down to breaking point, and her usual tolerance for Wolf’s malfeasance dries up. Her confrontation with him at the end, dressed expensively, is brilliant; Wolf’s first thought is not of her, but of him, and you can tell by the way his first reaction upon seeing her is to immediately and dangerously look round at all his fellow inmates to make sure they aren’t checking her out before accusatorily asking her why she’s dressed to invite their potential stares. Cheryl says she doesn’t wanna see him for a while; Wolf does his best to look like he’s just accepting it, but you can tell it gets to him. And yet for all his sadness, he still doesn’t seem particularly introspective; his self-confidence is too great to be truly pierced by any one thing, even this. 

For the most part, that’s it for the episode. Loretta appears just long enough to get perved at by an inmate, drop her sister in the shit and drop a couple of her usual zingers, including one satisfyingly aimed at Eric; Ted remains a mince-joke machine and nothing else. Wayne Judd appears briefly, being less confrontational with Cheryl than he was before (take note of this). The school headmistress reminds us all that she’s Jethro’s girlfriend, a fact I forgot to mention until now because it hasn’t been important yet. The next episode will feature every important character (save Ted, who has a few episodes to go yet) in important roles, and it happens to be one of my favorite episodes in the entire show. Onward!

[neriad13]

Best of the Best Media Consumed 2019!

This year I had a whole lot of focus on nonfiction, film and comics. Resolution for next year: read more fiction. Seriously, I read over three times more nonfiction than fiction this year. I read a little over one novel a month. But I really do love picking up a book on something I know nothing about and coming away knowing more than something. X-P

Anyway! The list!

Books - Fiction

Out of the 17 works of fiction I read this year, the best of the best is...

The Snow Queen, by Joan Vinge

The Snow Queen was one of my absolute favorite fairy tales as a child. The 2002 film adaptation of it was one of the things I watched endlessly. 

It was SO MUCH FUN picking apart this sci-fi retelling and discovering which characters are meant to represent the ones from the original story (of particular interest: the character representing the reindeer is human in this...and he has a one night stand with the character representing Gerta. Yes, I’m still cracking up about this. Yes, it actually was a pretty well written scene). 

But the absolute best part of it was the masterful characterization. Every single character has ulterior motives and often heartbreaking reasons for why they are the way they are - especially including the Snow Queen herself, whose final scene is horrifying, tragic and beautiful. 

I always like me some solid villain characterization.

Runner Up:

Fairy Tales: Traditional Stories Retold for Gay Men

I am not a gay man...but this very much spoke to me. It was at turns heartwarming and hilarious and the turns these fairy tales took felt so natural, like they’d been told that way all along. 

There are also many allusions to AIDS in the stories - sometimes as something a character is directly dealing with whether in himself, or a loved one and sometimes under the guise of a metaphor for inevitability. These ones were my favorites (aside from The Frog Prince, which was turned into a metaphor for accepting the process of aging with grace). 

Books - Nonfiction

Oh boy. There’s...definitely going to be more than one here. Of the 65 works of nonfiction I read this year, my favorites were...

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes & Other Lessons From the Crematory

A memoir about the author’s time spent working as a crematory operator and her entry into the funeral business. This book was absolutely hilarious (it contains a story about the author getting absolutely soaked with corpse fat that wouldn’t stop flowing straight out of the incinerator), tragic (a 12 year old girl is cremated and her ashes are mailed back to her parents as part of a cremation mail-in program) and extremely poignant (the author talks openly about the time she was contemplating suicide). 

I love Caitlin’s youtube channel and I loved this book even more.

My Age of Anxiety

Partially the memoir of a man who has battled his extreme anxiety his entire life, a historical study of famous figures who have also endured it and a scientific look into why it exists at all. 

Ultimately, it offers no answers. As of the writing of the book, the author has found no treatment that helps him for longer than a few months. But what he has found over the course of his research is that he is not alone - that anxiety has historically been a factor in scientific breakthroughs and artistic accomplishments. And that perhaps most importantly, that anxiety has been a key part of human evolution from the start, which served a vital role in the survival of the species. 

Mental illness or evolutionary adaptation? Is there even a line between them?

Cassell’s Encyclopedia of Queer Myth, Symbol and Spirit

This is the only book, period, devoted to queer mythology, that I have ever been able to find. But the good news is that it’s fairly extensive (though the authors themselves admit that they had trouble finding as much information about non-western mythology as they did for western mythology), is chock full of references and is extremely thorough in the information it presents. 

I’ll admit that it was a slog to get through at times, but what it’s provided has been invaluable to my conception of history and my own place in it. 

Also, I can now say beyond a shadow of a doubt that almost every culture on earth has at some point in their history had a tradition of transgender shamans.

Hope After Faith

This is the memoir of a charismatic Pentecostal pastor turned atheist. It follows him from teenagerhood and the beginnings of his dream to be a preacher to a little bit after his deconversion decades later. 

The eventual crumbling of his faith was something that spoke to me on a deep level. The scene that I still think about months later is the one in which he finally gives up his belief in the afterlife and accepts the finality of death by saying goodbye to everyone he ever loved who has died with the words “I love you, but I’m never going to see you again.”

I was not a huge fan of the writing style at first, but this one won me over totally and completely. It touched me immensely at the time when I needed it most.

Comics - Fiction

I read 52 fictional comics this year and 46 nonfiction. I absolutely raided my library’s graphic novel section for months. It was a good time.

Beautiful Darkness

A French graphic novel wherein tiny people survive and feud over the corpse of the child they came from. It’s...hard to explain. Kind of a fairy tale Lord of the Flies, but more subtly horrifying. It’s a story about decay and collapse - of society, of the physical form, of the dreams of a child. It has no single interpretation and different people may take something very different from it. The most inventive horror story I read this year.

My Brother’s Husband

A story about microaggressions and how their buildup over time can drive a wedge between people without them even noticing. I cried. Go read it.

Mis(h)adra

A semi autobiographical account of a college student learning how to live with his epilepsy. I also cried over this one. 

The art is stunning, the metaphors are amazing (the main character’s epilepsy is visually portrayed as a set of ghostly knives that follow him around) and the ending is extremely affecting if you’ve ever dealt with any kind of chronic illness. 

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba

The absolute most fun I had reading a comic this year. Gets extremely dark and incredibly sad but never feels overwhelmingly heavy, thanks to its great sense of humor. 

Edward Scissorhands: Parts Unknown + Whole Again

A series of adventures set decades after the movie, after Kim’s death, in a time when her granddaughter begins wondering if the stories about the castle on the hill are true. 

It deals with such issues as the difficulties Kim had with her daughter growing up, when all she would do is tell stories about Edward rather than give her the emotional support she needed, whether removing the thing that both makes you unique and brings pain is worth it and how to stop angry villagers from burning down your house (again). 

Also, seeing Edward be surrounded by a group of friends who care about him was extremely healing.

Comics - Nonfiction

My Solo Exchange Diary vol 1-2

A series of updates about the author’s continuing battle with mental illness and about how recovery is anything but a straight line. 

Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant?

Finally, some light reading!

It’s a memoir about the decline and death of the author’s aging parents. 

I found it...extremely comforting. Extreme old age, whether in one’s self or in one’s loved ones, is a scary and often obscured prospect, despite being a near-universal human experience. This book took the mystery out of aging and the fear out of taking care of aging parents. I’ve seen it done now. I’m more ready to do it myself.

The Best We Could Do

A memoir of the author’s family’s flight from Vietnam and their immigration to America, through the lens of the birth of the author’s first child. About how being a refugee changes a person in small, often unexpected ways, how trauma leaves its mark on families - and how, knowing all this, one can still keep living and raising the next generation.

Film - Fiction

I caught up on a lot of classics I’d not seen before and really got into Jidaigeki this year. Me putting only four of them on the list is a show of restraint. Of the 64 films I watched this year...

The Fall of the House of Usher 

Impeccable costume and psychedelic set design. The unanswered question that bounces throughout the entire movie: is it the curse or is it the fault of human belief in the curse?

Patch your walls, dude.

A Monster With a Thousand Heads 

A Mexican thriller about a woman whose husband is denied cancer treatment for seemingly no reason. The doctor gives her the runaround. No one can answer her questions. No one listens to her.

So, naturally, she and her teenage son spend a night kidnapping and holding at gunpoint every person she needs to get her husband’s cancer treatment approved. Wild and intense and timely.

Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

I watched a couple of Kubrick movies I hadn’t seen before and of them...I died laughing at this one. The tight plotting! The inevitable buildup to disaster over something so insanely stupid! 

I did not live during the Cold War, but damn do I feel for the inherent ridiculousness of it now.

Seven Samurai

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAFGFTRTRNHUKIJUHNJNHHHHHHHHHHHHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYHYXCVVGGERDSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

...this movie is insanely good. I watched Citizen Kane this year. This movie’s better. 

It has a plot which can be described in its totality, in a single sentence - a group of samurai are hired to defend a village from bandits - but what they do with that premise is so much more than that. 

This movie is three hours long. It did not lag once. 

Hara Kiri

As the Tokugawas secure their grip on all of Japan, war ceases. Great houses are dissolved and their retainers, cast into the streets. The relevance of the samurai is ending and the cities are awash in starving ronin. 

Once, one of these starving ronin approached a great house, asking if he might be able to end his life honorably, in front of witnesses there. So impressed was the lord with this ronin’s resolve, that he instead hired him on as one of his retainers. 

Hearing this story, other ronin, having no intention of actually offing themselves, tried the same trick in the hopes of securing a job, or at the very least, a little something to eat. 

It became a common scam which, in the end, fooled no one. Most houses gave the ronin a handful of cash and sent them on their way. 

But one house, seeking to preserve their warlike spirit in these peaceful times, chooses to treat one beggar ronin very differently. 

This is the story of vengeance taken for that death.

Yojimbo

A ronin enters a town that is being torn apart by gang warfare and decides to play both sides in order to end the conflict. It contains such comedic gems as:

 - the ronin suddenly deciding not to take part in a street battle, leaving both sides evenly matched and extremely nervous about fighting each other, while he watches it all from the top of a watchtower, laughing his ass off

 - the ronin is critically injured and being smuggled out of town in a coffin. A fight breaks out while this is happening and scares away one of the people carrying the coffin. A less intelligent goon of the gang he just escaped from is cheerfully recruited to carry the coffin the rest of the way

 - standing up in the coffin, declaring that he’s fine and immediately fainting

Also, you should totally bring a knife to a gun fight. 

Ran

A jidaigeki reimagining of King Lear. 

A visually astounding, sweeping epic with amazing acting and a complex interplay of conflicting passions which might just be more bleak than the original play. 

The scene in which the main character goes mad and is cast out into the wilderness is especially haunting.

Jojo Rabbit

I don’t think I’ve EVER experienced such violent mood whiplash in a movie before. One moment you’re crying-laughing from a joke that hit with absolute perfection and the next you’re...actually crying. In the same scene. Within thirty seconds. Multiple times. It is the oddest feeling to be so elated by the best joke in the entire movie while every character we’ve come to know across the course of the movie is in the process of dying violently. It’s not a feeling everyone’s going to like, but for me it was completely new and fantastic. 

The best part of the movie is the main character’s relationship with Imaginary Friend Hitler. He’s wildly funny and relentlessly charming. I got excited every time he appeared in a scene and was, oddest of all, actually comforted by his presence. 

He was all of these things until, in the most terrifying scene in the movie, he was not.

This movie shows you the mechanisms through which fascism becomes an appealing idea for a lonely child by putting the audience through a version of the same process. It’s so clever, so funny and so sad. 

What do you do when your world is destroyed by absurdity and there is nothing left for you to return to?

You dance in the streets.

TV Series

Good Omens 

Wildly hilarious comedy, fantastic costume design, multiple androgynous characters for which NO ONE bats an eye and honestly?? the best queer love story I’ve ever seen in television or film. 

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance

I am not sure if I have ever seen a production with so much love poured into it. The dozens of painstakingly crafted sets and characters, the sheer level of artistry on display - the next thing I saw was always more amazing than the thing I’d seen before it and the amazingness just kept coming with no end in sight throughout the entirety of the show.

And the story itself! The way it deepened and played with the lore of the original movie in the most perfect and unexpected ways! It felt like I was watching the most fantastic and labor intensive piece of fanfiction ever conceived, that was written by a person with a deep passion for and knowledge of the source material. 

Speaking of fantastic throwbacks...

Dororo

I’ve said a lot about this one already. While it ultimately fell kind of flat, what it did get right was phenomenal. The motherfucking FIGHT SCENES! The love between bros! The fascinating reconception of Hyakkimaru’s powers and its emphasis on a disabled character actually being portrayed as disabled! The journey of good characters going down the path of evil with good intentions!

Mwah!

Primal eps 1-5

Genndy Tartakovsky’s next big project after the completion of Samurai Jack! 

It is gory. Like, extremely gory. Do you know how much gore a thing has to have before I consider it ‘extremely gory?’ It’s a lot. Like...really a lot. There’s a thirty second (or possibly longer. time lost all meaning as I watched it) sequence in which the main character punches the intestines out of a horde of hominids in loving, exacting detail. It’s like Genndy’s letting out all the pent-up gore he was forced to keep in check during the years when he was working on Samurai Jack. 

But it isn’t just gore. It’s a journey about the main character’s grief over the sudden, horrific, unexpected death of his entire family. A story which is also mirrored by that of the dinosaur he joins forces with. There were parts during it in which I literally felt my heart being torn in two over the travails of these two, as well as wildly funny and completely adorable parts.

The settings, creature design and fight choreography are insanely creative, as is the decision to do it with no dialogue whatsoever.

And that cliffhanger, DAMN!! They’d better get the next five episodes out soon!

Honorable Mention:

Rick and Morty S4 eps 1-5

This one doesn’t entirely make the list proper because the latter two episodes...were rather subpar. But I can’t entirely keep it off the list because the quality of the first three episodes was off the charts. A particular shoutout to ‘The Old Man and the Seat’ and ‘One Crew Over the Crewcoo’s Morty’ - the former, which somehow managed to use toilet humor, of all things, to reach a crushingly tragic conclusion and the latter, which has a twist better than that of some of my favorite horror movies. 

Games

Shogun 2

I didn’t do a whole lot of gaming at all this year. But what I did do is have a fantastic time getting into the Total War franchise. Shogun 2 was my entry point and a FANTASTIC game. The ninja animations! The tiny, exacting animations of every single person running around on a sinking ship! The way Realm Divide changes the game into something much more dangerous and the way I learned to dance on the edge of it until I was good and ready! 

Plays

Love’s Labours Lost

One of two Shakespeare plays I saw this year, the other being The Tempest - which was also excellent (especially the part where it legit started raining when Ariel summoned the storm in the first scene and then that showing had to be cancelled. The second time was the charm). 

Love’s Labours Lost had some excellent comedy and the usual absurd web of misunderstandings you’d expect to find in your standard Shakespeare romcom. But the thing which pushed it over the edge for me was that...it had a sad ending. It goes against the definition of comedy and has a sad ending. Because it was so unexpected, it hit unexpectedly hard and made it that much more memorable.

[stillboredbuttrying]

"Men and women can't be friends" is boring at best and sexist and homophobic at worst.

It either implies:

You are not open to interact or take seriously people different than you

Men and women don't have interests or hobbies in common or worse there are activities that are gendered (women don't play football and men don't do makeup)

You can't see attractive bodies in a non-sexual way (not creepy at aaaall)

Your attitude towards people of different genders is different (can't be related to toxic masculinity or girls-hating-girls attitude...)

Either women are dumb and backstabbing, or men are all evil and dangerous (rad-fem thinking where?)

Queer people don't exist

If they do exist they are inherently predatory because you can't be friends with someone you find attractive

A-spec people don't exist

If trans people exist, they are doomed to loose all their friends the moment they come out

Enbys, if exist, live in a weird limbo based on how much feminine or masculine presenting they are, how hot they are, and how much sex they have (Also not creepy at all...)

Lesbians are not real women and gay are not real men

M-spec people, if they are not just straights or gays confused, are also inherently predatory and not safe to be around.

If the queers in question are Good and not predatory™ then they don't have same gender friends (sorry buddy, if you come out to your football team you are not allowed to play with them anymore, you have to go to play with the girls who, as you know, do not play football)

I have a lot of rage regarding friendship between genders. I grow up with friends of different genders and I loved them deeply (if anyone comes at me for using the word love I'm gonna block them. English has just the word love to express deep care and affection. My tongue has multiple words but that is how I can translate it, so take it with a wider sense). Growing up in my dad's place this wasn't weird, for it was encouraged to play all together and my dad and aunt also always had friends of different genders. So when my mom, or the media, or adults with different backgrounds, or ignorant people in general dared to make jokes, I would, and still do, go mad.

I was never particularly extroverted and my friend groups have always been small, but I cared deeply for them and I know the feeling was reciprocal.

My culture is heavily community and family based, so people from different cultures maybe find this anger childish or stupid. Living in different countries than the one I grew up in, and spending enough time on the Internet and in spaces with a-spec and ND people, thought me that the way I see friendship is very much not universal. There are people who are simply not interested in friendship and other who, even if they are, they don't see the point in making them deep and serious for reasons that go from personal preference to not staying in one place long enough to be worth it. And as long as it's your choice and you actually respect others and don't downplay people who think differently it's all good. You're not hurting anyone and you should do what's best for you. But if you think it's impossible on principle, or that people that for whatever reason are different, are not deserving of being listened to and taken seriously, then maybe ask yourself some questions? You can be antisocial without being an asshole. And giving a chance to people without ulterior motives can be good. Of course, if they show to be bad or whatever you can always tell them to fuck off (English needs a translation for mandare affnculo).

For people that do want friends but for whatever reason don't have any in this moment :

DON'T BELIEVE TO ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THAT YOU ARE ALONE BECAUSE YOU ARE QUEER/NEURODIVERGENT/DISABLED/UGLY OR WHATEVER SHIT SOCIETY DECIDED MADE YOU UNDESERVING OF BASIC RESPECT. There is nothing that will universally drive people away from you, for even the worst pieces of shit often have friends. But if keeping them can be reduced to not be an asshole to them and put effort to it, making them is a different matter. I don't really have advice for making friends (ND and introvert too, remember?), but from moving to North Europe to study STEM (best possible place to make friends quickly /very very much ironic) I learnt that often you just have to stay around and give others a chance. There is always an extrovert that will find you and be willing to adopt you in their circle. People are not that bad, don't fall in the humanity is shit mentality. Of course, deep relationships are a different thing because they require time and effort, but the first step is just a bit of courage in that one moment where you have enough mental, physical and emotional energy to give someone a chance. And don't fall in the "I'm a burden" mentality either. Even if for whatever circumstances is true, doesn't make you undeserving of love. Also something being a burden never stopped anyone from doing things they thought were important. So start to believe to be worth of the things you want. (I may accidentally quoted a cheesy teen movie ignore the reference)

(side note: with football I mean soccer. My country is obsessed with it and everyone at some point played it. It is especially popular with boys of course, but there are lot of girls interested in it too)

(other side note: I'm very sorry for this post to be so long, I have no self control and as I said I have lot of rage in this topic. I'm also sorry for the amount of parentheses, it was me trying very hard to not say things that could be interpreted in ways I did not intend and I'm sure I still said something offensive, so in that case also sorry. If you do something in the bullet points and are offended because I called you homophobic or sexist or a rad-fem then it was intended and please stay offended)

[kuriquinn]

Underneath the Underneath [6/?]

First Chapter

Temporary Blanket Disclaimer

Author’s Note: In which we learn that under all that sass, Manako has hidden depths. I was rewatching Shippuden and got one of those scenes that has always seriously made me angry. So this chapter happened.

“Let’s stop for lunch,” Manako suggests, nodding her head at Ichiraku as she and Hana pass nearby.

“Only if you pay,” her sister smirks at her.

“Cheapskate.”

“Consider it compensation for me having to watch you fail at flirting with Ayame again.”

“You should be the one paying for the pleasure of my company, since it’s been so long.”

It’s rare that Hana and Manako have the same lunch break. The veterinary has people bringing their pets and ninken in at all hours, and Manako sometimes gets so wrapped up in one of her projects that she forgets to eat. Such was the case today, and she would still be working if Uncle Saburo hadn’t usurped her spot at the workbench for some kind of secret project.

She figures it’s for Jiraiya again, though the old pervert hasn’t been around Konoha for weeks.

As she and her sister duck behind the hanging cloth letters of the ramen bar, a solid figure bursts out—the Uzumaki kid from Kiba’s class, shoving past them without apology. As he bursts into a heedless run into the heart of the village, both girls curl their lips reflexively.  

Manako doesn’t know why the rest of the village has an issue with the boy, but her own unease is visceral; Hana’s is too. Somewhere deep in the Inuzuka blood lingers the spirit of the wolf, and there’s something off about the boy that would have her raising her hackles if she had any. She’d say it was an ominous smell, except it’s not really that.

(Though the kid could stand to take a few more showers, since he stinks like old sweat…)

Not his fault, she tells herself. Maybe some kids are just born under a bad star.

She very carefully doesn’t think of another orphan boy that she knows who was definitely handed a rough deal.

Once the Uzumaki boy is out of range, Manako relaxes and senses her twin do the same, the instinctive tension drawing out of them. At the same time Ayame looks up at them both.

“Well! This is a surprise! I rarely see you two together these days,” she says with a grin. “You might look alike, but I swear you’re the sun and the moon.”

“Poetic as always,” Manako says, and flutters her eyelashes exaggeratedly. Beside her, Hana snorts.

“Take a seat,” Ayame says, reaching for a cloth. “I’ve got space for you over here, just let me finish cleaning up after Naruto. He’s a messy eater!”

There’s a note of sisterly frustration there that Manako recognises all to well.

“You’re real nice to that kid, Ayame,” she says. “I don’t know how you haven’t gotten sick of him yet. I swear he eats three meals a day here!”

“Usually only the one,” Ayame replies, swiping a rag across the counter space as the girls take a seat.

“Still. Most people pretend not to see him,” Hana points out. “Or worse.”

“He’s a good boy,” Ayame sighs. “It’s a shame people don’t treat him better.”

“Now see, this is why I like you,” Manako purrs. “You’re smart and kind, not to mention beautiful…”

“You’re still paying your bill, Manako.”

“I’m just saying! You’re good people.”

“Well, so are you.”

“Not really,” Manako says with a depreciating smile, and gets an elbow in the rib from her sister, who jerks her head toward the menu.

Spoilsport…

She and Hana place their orders. Ayama beams at them both, assuring them it will only be a moment, and heads to the stove.

“It is nice to grab a bite to eat with you,” Hana says after a moment. “It feels like we never see you.”

“You’re busy. I’m busy. It is what it is.”

“You should come to dinner this weekend. Mom’s supposed to be back from her mission, and she’s always asking me to ask you to come over.”

“Funny how she can’t find the time to do it herself,” Manako replies airily, reaching for a set of chopsticks and ripping the paper off.

“Well if you two weren’t so stubborn,” Hana grumbles.

“Pot? This is kettle. You’re black.”

Hana ignores that. “And it’s not just Mom, you know. Kiba misses you.”

“Don’t pull that,” Manako replies, unimpressed but unsurprised at the tactic. “You know if he’s not lurking around your clinic, he’s trying to steal flash bombs from my shop. I see him more than anyone else.”

“And that’s why you should visit more often. You’d think we didn’t even live in the same village anymore! Besides, everyone would be really happy if you were around more often.”

“I can name a bunch who wouldn’t.”

“And Cousin Akiko just had a baby.”

“Ah, there’s the ulterior motive.”

“How is that an ulterior motive?!”

“Obviously they’re expecting me to babysit,” Manako snorts. “Because of course, everyone in the family who’s not part of the reserves has to be on kid duty. It’s like they figure I’ve got nothing else going in my life!”

“You don’t have anything going in your life.”

“Avoiding stupid people is a thing.”

“Not a thing that will give you an excuse to miss another dinner.”

“There’s no excuse needed, I actually have work.”

Hana crosses her arms at her. “You’ve already skipped dinner three times this month. If you go for another, Mom is going to hunt you down. And when she sees the state of your apartment, either she’ll spend the whole day scrubbing every speck of dirt she comes across while yelling at you, or she’ll burn the place down before something in your fridge evolves sentience.”

“Ah, good old Mom. From one extreme to the other,” Manako smirks. Tsume Inuzuka may be a rough and tumble woman in the field, but she’s obsessive compulsive about her housekeeping. Privately Manako thinks her mother overcompensates for the fact that her father isn’t around anymore, but she’s always known better than to point that out.

“Your even more in for it if she finds the huge collection of those colourful…items in your bedside table drawer,” Hana continues in a lower voice.

“How do you know what’s in my bedside table drawer? You are such a snoop!”

“I wasn’t snooping, I was looking for a pen.”

“Who even keeps pens in their bedside tables anymore? And why were you in my apartment, anyway?”

“Someone has to make sure you’re eating more than fried potatoes and cereal,” Hana maintains.

“And that someone has to root around in my private belongings? I totally regret giving you a key.”

“You know I don’t need a key to get in there if I want to.”

“Well, that makes me regret it even worse.”

They glare at each other. Hana breathes in through her nose, like she’s grounding herself or counting to ten in her head, and in a level voice says, “Manako, you can’t avoid her forever. She’s your mother, too.”

“I don’t avoid her. You said it yourself, I go to dinner every…what, month or so?”

“And then you spend like an hour sitting like a statue while Mom and Kiba fill up the silence, and then take off again.”

“So what? If I have nothing to say, I have nothing to say.”

“You’re you. You always have something to say,” Hana scowls. “This whole ‘avoiding the family’ thing of yours is getting ridiculous. If you would just—”

“Not talking about it, Hana.”

“You never want to talk about it! Are you seriously going to spend the rest of your life angry at her?”

“I dunno, does she want to spend the rest of her life pretending like she didn’t do anything wrong?”

“In her view, she didn’t.”

“Well, in my view, she did. So we’re at an impasse. Would you stop playing peacekeeper and trying to fix everything? It’s annoying.”

“Manako…” her sister looks troubled, and Manako decides she’s allowed the conversation to go on longer than she should have.

“I think I might order something for Uncle while I’m here. Otherwise he’ll complain the whole day about how I’m starving him to death.”

Ayame, balancing two bowls in her hands, says, “I can prepare his regular order for you while you two eat.”

“You’re a good woman,” Manako says with a wry grin. Then, putting her hand to her heart and pretending to swoon, she says, “Ayame, moon of my heart and star of my night sky! When are you going to leave behind this life of drudgery and strained noodles, and run away with me?”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Ayame laughs as she sets down the girls’ orders. “And you’ve been hanging around with Gai again, haven’t you?”

“Heh. ‘Hanging out’ would be a stretch, but he has become a regular at the shop. And you have to admit, weird jumpsuits aside, he has a way with words.”

“I don’t get it,” Hana sighs, abandoning their previous conversation with only a trace of reluctance to show for it. “Almost four years you could count the number of people you actually liked on one hand. And now in the span of four weeks, you’ve made friends with the two weirdest and most infamous men in Konoha.” She stabs a chopstick in Manako’s direction. “What, was the village out of normal people?”

“Normal’s overrated.”

“They’re definitely not normal… Sometimes I can’t believe those two are elite jōnin,” Ayama muses thoughtfully. “Do you know they gorged themselves on ramen a few nights ago, trying to see who eat the most? The mess…”

She shivers, remembering something unpleasant.

“Well, men do mature slower,” Hana says. “I have a theory—want to hear my theory?”

“You’re going to tell us anyway,” Manako points out.

“I think you have to subtract ten years from an average adult male’s age to figure out his actual mentality.”

“So you’re basically saying they’re a pair of fourteen-year-old boys at heart.”

“That makes sense,” Ayame muses. “I’m pretty sure I saw Gai trying to play kancho pranks on Kakashi…”

Manako’s eyes light up in delight. “No way!”

“Oh, yeah. It was right there, out in the open—he practically yelled it at the top of his lungs.” Ayame adopts a dynamic pose, still holding on to the ladle for the ramen. “I have you now, Kakashi! One Thousand Years of Death!”

Hana and Manako burst into laughter, both at the impression and at the imagery Ayame offers up.

Why are all the fun ones straight? Manako wonders with only a trace of self-pity.

Ayame excuses herself to help another customer, and Manako and Hana eat their meal in relative silence—minus a few cutting quips at each other. They’ve barely finished eating when Hana gets to her feet.

“I’m off. I don’t want to leave Uncle Kōga on his own too long. The waiting room tends to fill up right after lunch.” She offers Manako a considering look, and then says, “Just think about dinner, okay?”

And she leaves before her sister can refuse or even make one last snide comment.

Manako scowls at her back.

Her mood remains bleak even as Ayame comes to bring her the take-out container, and she only manages a sullen murmur of thanks before she stalks off.

Why does she always have to do that? You’d think she was three years older instead of three minutes…

As she nears the middle of the street market, there is a commotion up ahead.

“Hey, you little brat!”

“Huh?”

“Get out of here!”

Her eyes are attracted first to the violent orange shirt worn by Naruto Uzumaki, before movement in front of him draws her attention. Through a gathering crowd she watches a mustachioed street vendor reach out and shove the boy until he falls back on the ground.

Manako is frozen for a moment. Later she will be ashamed that she acts like everyone else, just standing around and watching the display without moving to help, but right now she is immobilized by her own disbelief.

The boy recovers himself and stares up at the man in anger, hurt and confusion. “Hey, what’s the big idea?!”

“I don’t want you here! You’re nothing but a pest!”

“But I wasn’t even doing anything!” the blond boy protests. Then, he lowers his eyes almost in embarrassment. Manako barely hears his next words over the murmuring of the crowd. “I mean, I was just looking at the masks you have.”

“Here, is this what you want?” the vendor sneers, and then lobs a white animal-style porcelain mask at the boy.

Manako doesn’t hear the next bit, too floored by the unwarranted assault.

Somehow, the possibility of such a thing never occurred to her. The kid is disliked, sure, and she’s never thought too closely about the reason, but she never thought anyone would actually physically harm him.

A smack for discipline is one thing—she received enough of those growing up, as a means of dissuading bad behavior or to make a lesson stick. But to lash out at a kid out of anger—

Something within her snarls.

Adults are supposed to protect the young, not harm them!

She takes a step forward, intending to intervene, but her momentary hesitance has cost her. The kid, wincing at the growing bruise on his forehead and clearly holding back tears even as he curses out the countless bystanders, is already taking off at a run.

The din of hushed conversation and commentary washes spreads across the open street, gossipmongers already wagging their tongues. Manako even sees the expressions of peevish glee on some people. As if to say the boy got exactly what he deserved.

Her hold on the take-out container vanishes, and she is barely aware of it falling into the dirt behind her as she stalks forward.

When she reaches the stall, the man is already putting a new mask on his wall.

As if he didn’t just attack a kid!

“Hey. Old man,” she says in a low, carefully controlled tone. When the flustered and angry shopkeeper looks up, an expression of indignation on his face which freezes at her icy glare. “I ever see you hit a kid in this village again in anger—even if it’s that kid—this little stall of yours is going to become matchsticks on the ground.”

Her words are delivered without inflection, the tone a statement of fact rather than threat.

The man takes a half-step back, before his face turns an angrier shade of red and he shouts, “And what business it is of yours?”

“None maybe. But I don’t like bullies.”

“Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong! That brat isn’t some innocent victim!”

“Don’t tell me you’re intimidated by a ten-year-old,” she drawls. “Are you that insecure you have to pick on someone smaller than you to feel like a man?”

“Don’t speak of things you’re too young to understand!”

“Then don’t act like a prick.”

The crowd of people who were watching the incident with the Uzumaki boy earlier now stand by watching her. Their murmuring from before starts up again, but this time the grumbling is directed at her.

“Isn’t she a dropout?”

“Who does she think she is, getting involved?”

“Even her own clan is embarrassed of her.”

“Couldn’t hack it as real shinobi…what, does she think she’s neighborhood watch now?”

“I might as well be,” she says loudly, turning to glare at the woman nearest her who made the last comment. “Unless you want the job?” The heckler goes pale, but her mouth firms in stubbornness, and Manako stares around in challenge. “Or someone else here? You’re all quick to comment, but I didn’t see any of you jerks act to help someone smaller and weaker than you.”

Most of the crowd avoids her gaze. There are two kids nearby—an Akimichi and a Nara by the look of them—that at least look troubled, but everyone else looks at her as if she has broken some taboo.

Manako bares her teeth in an expression only a fool would call a smile, and growls.

“If I hear tell of something like this again, I’ll make sure you people spend the rest of your natural lives checking for explosives on your chairs or in your toilets. Act like shit, and you get shit.” She pitches her voice louder for those in the back and glares at the rubberneckers. “I don’t care if you don’t like him—I don’t care what your reasons are. I don’t like him either, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to beat on him. It’s enough the kid’s an orphan, you think it’s okay to kick him around like a stray dog?” She clenches her fists. “You’re fucking adults. Act like it, or I’ll get involved. Trust me when I say I can do a lot worse than a bit of graffiti.”

She looks around once more, trying to meet everyone’s eyes in turn until they look away or hurry off in well-deserved shame. Then, with one last furious glare, she turns on her heel and marches back the way she came.

Just beyond the edge of the crowd, she finds herself face to face with Kakashi. He is holding two bags of groceries and his one eye staring down at her in a serious manner. To Manako, it feels like he is evaluating her.

“And where the hell were you?” she snaps, her anger giving way to disappointment. She might not have a long history with Kakashi, but by his reputation, he’s supposed to be a decent person. At least she thought so before. “Were you just standing there watching like everyone else?”

“I only just turned the corner,” he tells her. “And you were handling it.”

“Feh. Handling it,” she repeats bitterly. “It’s not my job to handle this stuff. You shinobi are the ones supposed to be keeping the peace. That includes looking out for a brat like him.” Something in the jōnin’s expression softens, and a jolt of defensiveness hits her. “What?”

“Nothing,” he tells her mildly. “I’m just surprised. It’s not every day that boy has someone stick up for him.”

“It’s not just him I’m sticking up for,” she mutters, a little defensive, because she doesn’t want him misconstruing her uncharacteristic outburst as some kind of attempt to be heroic. Flash of conscience aside, she still doesn’t like the Uzumaki kid, and most of her threats were bluster. “There are some things that are just unforgiveable. People should know better. Shinobi should know better.”

The shape of Kakashi’s mouth turns down beneath his mask, but she doesn’t care if he isn’t pleased with her words.

“Everyone in the shinobi corps—even retired ones—act like they’re so noble and heroic on this outside,” she goes on furiously. “But then they go out and hurt people. All because of what? Orders? To prove they’re strong?”

A memory surfaces that causes a lump to grow in her throat—a pristine hospital and countless stretchers with bloody sheets over them; her legs burning, running to keep anyone from catching her or stopping her; screaming a name at a body under a white sheet, the only one not covered in blood but just as motionless as the rest—

The pale wrist falling from beneath the cover as the medic-nin carried it away.

Manako clenches her fists and forces the memory back down.

“Anyone that beats on a kid is worse than scum in my book,” she says coldly, “shinobi or not.”

She notices the way his eye widen fractionally at this, but she’s too angry to wonder just what she said that would garner such a reaction. Instead, she stalks past him, trailing fury behind her and her day unquestionably ruined.

So, this was a little more serious than we’ve seen so far in this fic, but sometimes that’s necessary. I’ve been trying to work in some of Manako’s backstory and views gradually through the fic, but this chapter came out in a chunk.

Oh well.

And I know there haven’t been a lot of shippy-interactions between Kakashi and Manako, but it is a slow burn relationship and I’m really trying to show that they have a lot of seemingly innocuous interactions before romance even becomes an option.

For those of you impatient to see some Kakashi/Manako action, if you haven’t seen it yet, I’ve written a one-shot called Take-Out for just that reason. Be warned, it’s NSFW ^_^

栗

[steampoweredstrawberry]

Is it too much to ask you all those questions?

*Rubs hands together*

1. Your first OC ever?

I probably had OCs as a kid. Probably a Sailor Moon one or a Harry Potter OC (Most likely had a Harry Potter OC. The only one I can name for certain though was a witch named Caroline with an affinity for fire magic.

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

Right now? Claudia Hawke. I love talking about her and drawing her and writing her. Plus, she has a super cute boyfriend who I also love talking about and drawing.

3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else?

Lol. Yeah. I have a few of @mikagesshoku‘s OCs now. The first was an ancient vampire named Mark (not his real name, but what he goes by in modern times). She liked how I wrote him and characterized him, so he became my son. Her Hawke, Quentin, is also now my Hawke (and Claudia’s big brother). She also prefers how I write her Mahariel.

4. A character you rarely talk about?

Of my DA OCs? Aeducan and Brosca. Nothing against dwarves, I just haven’t fleshed them out very well.

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be?

Claudia Hawke. Her being popular and people wanting me to write/draw her would come with the ulterior motive of getting to write/draw Anders.

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related?

Claudia Hawke and Elira Bassat. Elira’s a bit taller and her hair is straight, but they’re both sassy, dual-wielding red heads. My old RP buddy actually confused one of my first drawings of Claudia for Elira (Claudia’s since had some cosmetic changes to make them look more different).

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories?

Yes! I write for Claudia a lot.

You can find her here, here, and here. (Note: All of these contain graphic depictions of sex, so read at your own risk)

8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here!

Elira Bassat was my OC that I RPed the longest as, but don’t anymore. She’s a sassy, dual-wielding red head, she’s nb, but generally prefers she/her or them/they pronouns (occasionally he/him). She’s also a big fan of vigilante justice.

9. Would you ever be willing to give any of your OCs to someone else?

Hypothetically, yes. I couldn’t name which one, but if their new parent was going to treat them well, I would.

10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design?

I generally try to keep them toned down or believable in appearance. But, there’s Rhyann Tabris, my tiny elf baby with snow-white hair (I say the quickening still effects elves and it made her hair go white as a child). She’s got a billion freckles and carries around a big sword.

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a "sunshine"?

So, an optimist? I don’t know if I have any of those with my DA OCs. Probably Solona Amell. She’s the most likely to keep her chin up and try to cheer up the others.

12. Name an OC that isn't yours but who you like a lot

I absolutely love @kirkwallgirl‘s Jay Hawke and @misterwiggums‘s Mads Hawke. They’re both super cute and love the mage!

13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs?

Claudia Hawke. She’s best friends with Isabela. They get into lots of trouble.

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

I think of my DA OCs, I think Rhyann Tabris has a very tragic backstory. I relate to it on a personal level, which was why I chose her (they’ve all got super sad backstories, hers just resonates with me).

15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people?

YES! Oh my God, if you guys want to ask me about my OCs, please do! I’d love to hear about all of yours, too!

16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)?

Solona Amell. She’s a healer.

17. Any OC OTPs?

With other OCs? I don’t know. Neria Surana and Solona Amell (as part of a polymance with Jowan, but he’s not my OC). With non OC characters, Claudia Hawke x Anders and Rhyann Tabris x Alistair Theirin.

18. Any OC crackships?

I don’t have any with just OCs. With OC x canon, I’m planning on writing a Claudia Hawke/Karl Thekla/Anders bi polymance in the future. Not really a crack ship (though I guess it is if you HC Karl as being gay; I’m in the he’s bi/pan camp), but I never thought I’d be pairing Claudia up with Karl before the idea struck me.

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

Rhyann Tabris means a lot to me because she was my first OC in a Dragon Age game, my first playthrough, and her origin really resonated with me.

20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)?

Originally, Elira Bassat was a singer and she was supposed to sound a bit like Sara Taylor/Chibi from The Birthday Massacre, but I scrapped that.

Claudia Hawke enjoys singing, but she isn’t particularly good. I imagine she sings a little bit of everything, though I like the idea of her dramatically singing along to Helena by My Chemical Romance.

21. Your most artistic OC

Probably Elira Bassat. She isn’t an artist, but she’s pretty damn good at costume makeup.

22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how?

I don’t think anyone mischaracterizes them.

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

Sophie Cousland. I was originally going to romance Alistair with her, but I was too attached to Rhyann x Alistair, so Sophie became Aro/Ace.

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

Claudia Hawke, because she’d bring Anders with her.

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

Elira Bassat shared my build, height, and hair color at the time (I’m no longer a red head). But, I’ve given Rhyann Tabris a lot of my facial features.

26. Have you ever had to change your OC's design or something else about them against your will?

I’ve renamed OCs in the past. Can’t think of any off the top of my head, though.

27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song?

Like, did I base them off a song? I don’t think I have any OCs like that.

28. Your most dangerous OC?

Claudia Hawke or Rhyann Tabris.

29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they're going?

Probably Solona Amell. She wouldn’t want to trouble anyone with her curiosity. Claudia would go too, but half of Kirkwall would know she was going.

30. Which one of your OCs would most likely have a secret stuffed animal collection?

Rhyann Tabris. In a modern AU, she probably saves every stuffed animal Alistair has ever gave her or won her at a carnival and loves them all.

31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really)

Solona Amell’s would be a lot of quotes from book, pictures of pretty cups of tea/coffee, plants, and the occasional cute animal. Mostly aesthetic.

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

In a survival/horror, Rhyann Tabris because she fits the personality archetype they use for those sorts of games (timid female protagonist).

33. Your shyest OC?

Rhyann Tabris. She’s extremely shy, and tends to avoid most human men until they earn her trust.

34. Do you have any twin characters?

Sophie Cousland has a twin brother named Jarak. He’s a bit flirty, but is overall a good person.

35. Any sibling characters?

Claudia Hawke has an older brother named Quentin. He’s a mage and she’s extremely protective over him.

36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)?

Rhyann Tabris is the cousin of @mikagesshoku‘s Lyna Mahariel and Misali Mahariel. Claudia Hawke is also friends with Lyna.

37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human

All of my elves/dwarves/qunari? I’m in the mood to mention Thaliah Lavellan, though, given she’s a Dalish elf. She also hooks up with a Qunari.

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer?

I say Claudia Hawke is a former ballet dancer in a modern AU. Though, I imagine Sophie and Jarak are pretty light on their feet, given they’re nobles.

39. Introduce any character you want

I’m world building for an original story in some of my free time, and the main character is named Lilika, though she goes by Lily for most of the story. She’s a seer raised by a wlw couple since she was around 10 years old and she’s blind in her right eye.

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share!

Whenever anyone leaves nice comments/tags on artwork I do of them! I’ve had a couple people comment that Claudia and Rhyann are very pretty, and it makes me so happy (especially with Rhyann because I gave her some of my features that I consider ugly).

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)

I sadly don’t have any pictures on my current phone of it, but my nephew drew Claudia Hawke and one of his characters from the comic books he likes to draw hanging out. It was really cute.

42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods?

I’m really tempted to say all of them and leaving it at that, but I’d bet money that Neria Surana went through a very intense Greek mythology period of her life.

43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It's time to confess

YES. I like tall girls with red hair and who are also the more dominant partner in a relationship. I’ve been getting better with it. But I do have at least five red heads, most of which are tall, and most of which are the more dominant partner in a relationship.

44. Something you like about your OCs in general

I love them all and how they all have various facets of me. I try to make them all a little bit like me.

45. A character you no longer use?

I used to RP as Nikolai (a vampire) quite regularly, but I haven’t in years.

46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly?

Yes. My old RP buddy used to tell me all the time that I was being mean to our OCs, but in a you’re being mean, but it makes the story so good way.

47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child?

The same RP buddy from number 46 did. He’d call our OCs our “children”, so his were my children too.

48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

Solona Amell. She’s a precious child who deserves love.

49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes

Claudia Hawke, Quentin Hawke, Neria Surana, Jarak Cousland, Elira Bassat. Most of them.

50. Give me the good ol' OC talk here. Talk about anything you want

Claudia Hawke and Sophie Cousland are named after characters from The Chipmunk Adventure. Claudia was the name of the villain and Sophie was the name of her dog. Quentin is named after a character from a book and his appearance is based somewhat off the same character.

[russellthornton]

Is She a Lesbian? 20 Signs Your BFF is a Bit Too Close for Comfort

Lesbians don’t wear a badge, nor do they all dress or act alike. If your BFF is a bit too close, she may have a hidden secret. So, is she a lesbian?

True story. After my husband passed away, I had a friend who was my rock. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have made it through. I could call her any time, day or night, to pick me up – both literally and figuratively.

She had this way of knowing just what to say, how to show me comfort, and how to help me through the darkest times in my life. She was, well, the perfect boyfriend – only I didn’t see it.

People such as my mother, my husband, and other friends would say to me, “You know Julie, she is hitting on you. She’s in love with you!”

Now, I wouldn’t consider myself completely oblivious. But at certain times, I can look back at things, add them up, and finally see what was, well, right in front of my face.

Needless to say, when my husband and I began to get serious, she wasn’t into hearing my “girl talk.” She didn’t care much for my crush, and she literally just stopped talking to me.

I thought that it was my fault. Surely, it was because I had blown her off because I was so blindsided by love. So, I began my apology tour, which fell on deaf ears. She wanted nothing more to do with me – period.

I later found out that once I had left town, she moved in with another “best friend” – ironically one who was married when I was there and didn’t care for my relationship with “Susan.”

I suppose when it comes to determining androgyny from homosexuality, I am a klutz. It seems like everyone around me can spot a lesbian. But me? Not so much. I was her best friend and missed every one of the signs. And I never asked myself the question, “Is she a lesbian?” [Read: How to tell if a woman is attracted to another woman]

I suppose I should have seen the signs: her obvious affection for me, being there at my beck and call, and her anger at my relationship. But what do I know? She was divorced, and to me, that spelled “straight.”

Since then, I have begun to think about other women in my life who have been very close to me. And much to my surprise, I have found out *after the fact* that they are gay. Not ready to accept it themselves, it takes a lot of courage and fear of rejection – even more so than heterosexual relationships.

20 signs that might have you asking, “Is she a lesbian?”

If you have a girlfriend and are suspicious that she may have ulterior motives, I think that I have finally narrowed down the 20 signs to look for if you are wondering, “is she a lesbian with a crush on me?”

The problem is that we often look for stereotypes like the way a woman dresses, her hairstyle, her build, or her athleticism. The truth is that what goes on in the brain chemistry of a person doesn’t always surface in the way they look or behave. [Read: 15 common lesbian stereotypes we hear all the time]

#1 She seems way too into you. You know how it feels when you make friends with someone and you feel like a school girl with a crush – but you are missing the crush part?

You like to laugh together and want to hang out, but if she can’t seem to do anything without you, thinks you are the ‘da bomb, and wants you there for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 24/7, that is too close for comfort. There are friend jitters, and then there are much-too-creepy jitters.

#2 She makes positive comments about you how you look and it makes you slightly uncomfortable. I remember when I was driving home with my friend and she said, “I think you have the nicest ass in the neighborhood.” That is not generally something a straight woman would say to another woman… why be looking at a female’s ass and admitting it?! [Read: 20 unmistakable signs your friend is crushing on you]

#3 She makes up ridiculous rendezvous with men, but you haven’t ever met them. Susan always had “Pedro” or some “guy” she met at some random bar, but there wasn’t ever a guy in her life. Like a front, she wanted to pretend she was heterosexual, just in case I didn’t get the message.

Good idea apparently, because I didn’t. If she doesn’t have a guy and you have known her for a while, and all she talks about is casual sex that you know didn’t happen, she is probably a lesbian. [Read: What is it really like to have a lesbian experience?]

#4 She grew up in a family where being gay wasn’t acceptable. “Susan” was the sister to three brothers and Irish Catholic. If you are any of those, you get it.

For some people, if they came out of the closet, it would ruin their family, their job, or something else in their vicinity. And if you get the vibe that they like you a little more than they should, they are probably a lesbian.

#5 She de-friends you quickly. If you start dating someone, and suddenly it was like you never existed, then that’s weird. And it’s not like the case where she got mad that you were the cheerleader who was always dumping her friends for the football player.

You aren’t in high school anymore. If she suddenly has no interest in you because you are dating someone, then you turned her off when you were turning her on.

#6 She doesn’t want to talk about your guy stuff. If you have been able to talk about everything, but when it comes to guys it is totally off limits, then you are with someone who doesn’t want to hear about you liking someone else. Suspicious? Yes. And that may mean that she likes you as more than a friend. [Read: How to tell if two girls are actually more than just friends]

#7 She hates every guy that you are attracted to. If she can find something wrong with every guy you bring up, even the good ones, then there is something not right. We all carry baggage with us. But if you notice that she doesn’t seem to have a problem with men in general, but just the men you are in to, then you may want to reconsider what team she bats for.

#8 She finds any reason to be alone with you. If every time you want to bring someone else to a social outing and she finds a reason that you two should go alone, it may be that she is jealous of your time.

Wanting to be alone with your secret crush is not just something that heterosexual crushes desire. Just because you don’t know why she wants to spend time alone with you, doesn’t mean that she isn’t getting pure desire from this intimate time.

#9 You feel strange dressing or undressing in front of her. We all have that girl that you didn’t want in the dressing room. It wasn’t exactly that she looked directly at you, there was just something that gave you the creeps about her.

If you think twice before getting naked to change clothes and haven’t ever given it a second thought before, that is your inner voice telling you that something is up. [Read: What it means to have a lesbian fantasy as a straight woman]

#10 She texts you obsessively. Texting can be fun, but if she gets pissed when you aren’t on top of it *especially when she knows you are on a date*, then she is in need of your constant attention.

Girlfriends can be pretty obsessive with other girls without having a crush, but if it is something a little more than that, then you should put the signs together and see what you come up with.

#11 She wants all of your attention. If she is constantly flashing the “look at me sign” and doesn’t want you to give any of it to anyone else, then that is a sign that you are the object of her desire.

If all she wants is to be with you, talk to you, hang out with you, it is either that she is lonely and has a hard time making other friends, or that she really just enjoys you that much.

#12 She sits in the wings waiting for you. It is natural for your friend to want to be with you, especially if you get along really well. But if she can’t do anything without you, waits around for you, or is always waiting for you at your front door, you may want to open your eyes a little. [Read: Are you more than friends or just friends?]

#13 She makes off comments about other girls. It is natural for girls to think other women are beautiful. We all take notice when a woman is absolutely gorgeous.

But if you notice that she almost has a preoccupation with some other woman and keeps going on and on about her body or her looks, that is way too much thinking about another woman to at least not signal bisexuality. [Read: 9 sure ways to tell if someone is bi-curious]

#14 She has “experimented” in her past. If she has told you about her “crazy” experimentation in the past, then she just may still be trying to figure out what team she plays for.

We all do things just to give it a try, but being with other girls is typically not something you experiment with unless you may have a tendency to have feelings or them. Sure, it is a fad, but if she seems infatuated by you, then she just may want to experiment with you.

#15 She tries to show off for you. If you notice that when you are alone, she continues to do things to show off for you, then she may be trying to make you see a side of her that will turn you on.

Women are no different from men in trying to impress their crush. If she is constantly doing things to make you think she’s ‘da bomb, then that is way too much effort for just a friend. [Read: Help! My gay friend is coming on to me]

#16 She self-discloses a little too much. Even with our best friends, we have a line that we keep to keep things to ourselves that are private. If she is constantly telling you things that are way too close for comfort, she may be trying to relate to you on an emotional level that is way too intimate than where y’all should be.

#17 She losses her shit when you don’t answer. If she is like a jealous boyfriend when you don’t answer immediately, think about it – she is your jealous girlfriend.

#18 She buys you things. I am not above seeing something cute and thinking about a friend and buying it for them, but if she is buying you expensive gifts or things to keep you around, she is probably trying to buy your love and not in a “friend” kind of way.

#19 She has suddenly changed. If you started out super fun and casual, and then all of a sudden she is acting completely differently toward you, then something is up. That doesn’t necessarily mean that she has crossed over the line to being infatuated with you, but if she is acting like she has a crush on you, she probably does. [Read: 10 signs you’re dating your friend already and just don’t know it]

#20 Your inner voice is telling you something is wrong. There is a reason we have an inner voice. And unfortunately, it is almost always right, whether we want it to be or not.

If your inner voice is telling you that she is getting too close for you to be comfortable, listen to it. You wouldn’t want to send back the wrong signals if it is pretty blatant, and you aren’t making your intentions clear by going along with it.

I am a pretty clueless person when it comes to the knowing the difference between an androgynous friend and a lesbian one. It is difficult when we have a good friend who wants something more – especially if you don’t see it, and everyone else does.

If you have a strange feeling that something more is going on in your friendship, take a step back and examine her behaviors to see if maybe she has a crush on you.

[Read: Are you lesbian or bisexual? How to understand your secret desires]

If you are wondering, “Is she a lesbian?” then these 20 signs will help you figure it out. But remember, the last thing you want to do is to send her the wrong message and give her the impression that you are feeling the same way. That can lead to some real hurt feelings.

The post Is She a Lesbian? 20 Signs Your BFF is a Bit Too Close for Comfort is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.

[itfollowsisthebestmovieever]

Part I: Analyze how genre influences the text’s representation of gender

It Follows is not a typical horror movie. It subverts the genre in several ways. Horror movie narratives follow common tropes; however, in It Follows these tropes are implemented in unique ways. Tropes such as “damsel in distress”/“the final girl” and “death by sex”/“violence is sexy.” It Follows also follows the realistic fear women have in particular that a stranger is following them when they’re alone to harm them. However, the stranger is the entity--“The It.”

Jay, the main girl, is your typical pretty blonde girl always dressed in appropriate costume i.e. frilly pink dresses, lingerie, and cozy fall wear. Her location, the suburbs of Detroit, influences her suburban girl chic and timidness. There are no typical props associated with horror movies used i.e. knives, chainsaws, etc. but her friend, Yara, has this shell-phone e-reader device that adds to the film’s overall eerie factor as there is no set time-period. It’s like Jay is living in a weird nightmare. A dream-like state she has no control of.

Jay should be the ideal damsel because she is helpless and often referred to in the movie as the beautiful one and the one men desire. However given that she is the main character, she is the call to action to drive the plot forward, which isn’t a traditional role represented by a woman in the horror genre. Her conflict draws her friends in to aid her, even though they can’t physically see what they are up against. Within the horror industry, a typical main/final female character is often virginal and butch, whereas Jay is represented as desirable and embracing of her sexuality and finds pleasure in having sex. This would usually result in her almost immediate death. However, this becomes a consequence of her having sex. This perpetuates horror’s reliance on death by sex and thus extends the idea that violence against women is sexy. It Follows accentuates the fears and anxieties of women when they are alone by making the conflict a thing that follows and harms its victims. The beginning scene hints that what is following these people isn’t human, but if this scene were removed it would appear that Jeff was the villain because of his violent and unnecessary means of telling Jay about the entity. Jeff uses a fake name, Hugh, and pursues Jay, with the ulterior motive of passing along the entity to save his own life, but this aspect is revealed later. He then chloroforms Jay, ties her to a wheelchair, and takes her to an abandoned building--portrayed on one of the film’s promotional posters.

It plays on this realistic fear of a perpetrator kidnapping a victim to eventually harm them, but it is eventually revealed that there is an entity that is going to actively try and kill Jay. Jay becomes the entity’s next victim, but the way that Jeff drops her off after revealing the entity to her, makes her appear to be a victim of assault from him. He leaves her outside her house in her underwear and drives off. This influences her group of friends, that consists of her sister, Kelly, and their friends Yara and Paul, that there is nothing that is trying to kill her. This provides commentary on women being victims of violence because it invalidates Jay’s real experience and fears.

If Jay were to follow the definition of the horror movie’s “final girl” this would have been her call to action to fight the entity herself. As Jeff said, it should be easy for Jay to get rid of the entity and pass it along because she is a girl. She can sleep with any guy; as many as she needs to not get killed.

Instead, she faces the moral decision to either pass the entity along to another person or be killed by the entity, which would, in turn, lead it to follow the others before her. She feels powerless to the situation and heavily relies on her friend group to aid in her decision making against the entity. Jay runs from it frequently instead of taking a stand against it, downplaying the power of the “final girl” role and upholding the role of the damsel in distress. However, the plot hinders on Jay and her encounters with the entity following her. The main focus of the supporting characters is Jay and their role is what they can do to aid their friend in her current situation. Without Jay, the supporting characters don’t serve a purpose to the plot, insinuating that the storyline revolves around Jay. In comparison to other movies within this genre with groups of individuals with no main character, Jay being the focal character represents how It Follows defies typical horror movie stereotypes. 

Part II: Reimagine the text to allow for differently gendered representational possibilities

Flipping Jay’s gender and making her a guy would change the perspective completely. As Jeff stated, it’s easy for Jay as a girl to have sex with some guy and pass the entity along. Guys are more willing to have sex because they’re guys. By this logic, it is difficult as a guy to pass along the entity because women are supposedly more reluctant when it comes to casual sex because of societal stereotypes. It makes sense, then, as to why Jeff was so eager to have sex with Jay and pass the entity along whereas Jay is apprehensive to do anything. She is trapped in her moral conundrum. However, if Jay were a guy it would just reassert the horror genre representation of guys being assholes only trying to save themselves. But, as it goes, Jay as a guy would die regardless because guys in horror movies usually never make it out alive. And then the entire plot of the movie wouldn’t make sense because Jay is meant to defeat the entity, not succumb to it.

The movie doesn’t explicitly state the rules as to how the entity works, which makes sense as Jay and her friends are living in a nightmare in which they have no control. However, the rules that are alluded to seem to be rooted in heteronormativity. For example, to transfer the demon one must have penetrative penile-vaginal sex. This is problematic for non-straight people. Can they “catch” the demon? Can they “pass” it along? Do gay people exist in this nightmarish world? Changing Jay’s sexuality from presumably straight to lesbian or bisexual would open up changes to these fuzzy pre-established rules. It would also change how her gender would be represented within the horror genre. She could be represented as hypersexual and use her sexuality as a weapon if she were bisexual because bisexuals are thought to be more promiscuous than their monosexual counterparts. She could also be represented as sexually undesirable if she were a lesbian because lesbians can be thought of as butch and non-sexual. The incorporations of non-straight sexualities would allow for new perspectives on the representation of the female gender and also allow for the rules for how the entity works to become more concrete. But the uncertainty is what makes the entity scary, so adding actual rules to follow would make it less frightening.