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[tragedy-machine]

Reading this felt like being hit in the head with a cricket bat because WHAT

First of all, I have so much trust in the dbda writers and am sure this crazy combo of words would have made an amazing story to watch on the screen, even though it may be hard to grasp the vision from a single tweet, because what in gay mad libs

SECOND OF ALL, EDWIN IN HIS DATING ERA???

I'm sooo here for it, I loved him getting multiple love interests in s1 and really wanted his streak to continue so this is perfectly up my alley

I'm obviously a huge payneland shipper and strongly believe that they would have been endgame, in however many seasons the writers planned to get there, I'm sure they did

I see the potential of them having a bit of a Jim and Pam arc - they're clearly important to each other and are shown to have feelings for each other to various degrees, but due to realizing it on different timelines, other people coming into the picture and bad timing, they keep missing each other until eventually, in season 3/4 the stars allign and finally get together

The payoff would have been sooo satisfying after seasons of obvious pining and tension

Edwin exploring being out for the first time and dating cute boys he meets, while trying to get over Charles a little bit (or at least accepting that he'll always love him but that it doesn't mean he can't love someone else too, especially when he believes he has no chance with Charles), while Charles is figuring out stuff with Crystal

They would have dated but ultimately broken up, bc as much at they like each other, I don't believe they would have been endgame (if you disagree, that's fine ofc, it's merely my what could have been prediction), so imagine Charles realizing something and going to talk to Edwin at the end of the season, only for Edwin to tell him that he's just made it official with the Irish boy (whom he's bonded with over being sacrificed??? holy shit! and the potential for more jealous-and-confused-about-it charles!!)

And we'd have to wait till season 3 for Charles and Edwin to get their shit together in the most beautiful payoff ever

[pivitor]

Emotional Roller-Coaster This Week

So, the last eight days have been an absolute whirlwind. Some really great things happened. Some really bad things happened. I’m kinda still reeling. I had some big firsts, and spent some time with great friends, had some real catharsis. I also fell further into depression than I have in a long, long time, and, oh yeah, got diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I need to get this all off my chest, cause I’m drowning. Join me? 

Before we start, there’s two things you need to know about me. Both are things I’ve mentioned in bits and pieces on here, but here’s the full story:

1. Three months ago I had shoulder surgery to repair a torn labrum (I technically tore it when I dislocated my arm in high school, and it’s been popping out on me once every other year or so ever since, but my most recent [and now final] dislocation was very bad and sent me right to the doctor). I spent about two weeks out of work, just sitting at home on the couch in a sling. The pain wasn’t great, but it was worse mentally: I put on a couple pounds and immediately started to feel terrible about myself, and being stuck at home when I wanted to be out there, doing stuff with friends or with guys or to reach a point where I can move out, felt terrible. I wasn’t in a great headspace for a long time. As of now I have about 95% of my arm function back, and am fully healed, just trying to get back the last of my range of motion and gradually increase back to my old strength threshold.

2. This one is a bit more complicated. I’ve talked a lot here about how I grew up in a cult, but I never went into further detail. Well, here we go: I was a J*hovah’s W*tness. (I’m censoring this because I don’t want this showing up in searches) It wasn’t something I would have ever chose for myself, but when you’re born into it, you’re pretty heavily indoctrinated -- I thought it was the gospel truth despite having many reasons not to. They’re a very homophobic organization, so growing up in it wrecked my self esteem. My entire childhood and time as a teenager I thought I was worthless and doomed, destined for eternal destruction. I was often suicidal. When I was about 18 or 19 the cult printed an article “clarifying” their view on homosexuality, and said they recognized that some people are just naturally attracted to the same gender and as long as they don’t act on it they’re still “acceptable” to God. It’s dangerous bullshit that makes me so angry now, but as a brainwashed, suicidal teenager, it felt like the only chance I had to live a worthwhile life, so I got baptized into the religion, which is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life, because once you’re a baptized member of the cult, if you leave you’ll be shunned by everyone you’ve ever known. Your own parents will treat you as if you’re dead. I was very zealous for a year or two before realizing that I just couldn’t do it anymore, but it’s taken me nearly ten years to fully wake up from the indoctrination, read information from outside religions, scientists, and former members who have left. Currently I still live with my family and have to pretend to still believe (because the moment I don’t they’ll kick me out on the street), and am on the cusp of two promotions at work. As soon as those go through, I should be able to save money to move out, which I wanna do before the summer, and then I’ll be completely free.

Okay, the rollercoaster week itself:

Pre-Monday: For about a week, a week and a half before this all started, I’d been experiencing some pain in my side that was making it hard to sit up for long periods of time. This normally would’ve been a major red flag, but thanks to the shoulder surgery, I’d been having random back pains off and on recently anyway. I assumed it was related to me overcompensating for the shoulder and left it alone. Big mistake.

Monday: So one of my promotions at work involves a coaching center we’re launching. We were supposed to do our first presentation last Monday, and when my boss showed up for it, everything fell apart. It wasn’t totally my fault -- the general condition of the office itself wasn’t up to par, and the boss recognized that there wasn’t much I could do about that -- but a lot was, and I spent all week trying to fix things and get them running, and running into one major roadblock and frustration after another. We’re finally doing the presentation today, but it technically still isn’t 100% fixed. Work has been a major, major source of stress all week. I don’t think I’ll mention it again because there’s not much more to it than what I’ve listed here, but remember that it’s hanging over my head all week.

Monday night I was invited to a birthday party for a friend from my gym. Since the cult doesn’t celebrate holidays, I’d never actually been a birthday party before, complete with cake and singing happy birthday and everything. It was really nice -- even though it was truly just a bunch of guys hanging around a bar watching the Eagles, it still felt like something really special. I also spent about a half an hour in my car before I walked into the bar trying not to hyperventilate. I don’t feel guilty at all as I may have once, but I was still really worried about being seen by someone and my family finding out.

Wednesday: Tuesday was my only truly normal day of the week, and even then, we had my cousin staying with us up until Wednesday, so even then it wasn’t truly normal. We normally have church on Thursday nights (I have to attend so as not to blow my cover, but I tend to stand in the lobby and play on my phone the entire time; it’s a nice chance to catch up on my reading usually), but I had a concert on Thursday I was not going to miss, so I told my parents I was going to a different congregation on Wednesday night, but instead I went to Starbucks and caught up on Crisis on Infinite Earths. It’s...depressing that this is what I’m reduced to, but I was happy that it finally occurred to me to just...lie about it.

When I got home and took off my shirt to change into my pajamas, I noticed a patchy, red rash on my stomach, side, and back, right around the same area I’d been having pain for the last week or two. I’d absolutely never had anything like this happen before, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I crossed my fingers that it was an allergic reaction, put some cortisone cream on it, and decided to wait a couple days to see if anything changed.

Thursday: On Thursday I drove up to Philly after work, and ate a few slices at my favorite pizza place, reading comics, until it was time for the concert. It was a free show from Pkew Pkew Pkew, a band I truly, truly love, and it was one of my favorite shows of the year. Just pure joy. They played for about an hour, but were the opening act, and I don’t care for the headliner (Beach Slang), so I had originally had a few ideas about what I could do afterwards, considering that their set was over by 10 or so. I could go home (coward’s option), I could go to the Barcade. What I really wanted to do was go to a gay bar or club. I’d gone right before my surgery and had a great time, but I’d been avoiding going back (or joining a dating app or anything else) until my arm fully healed because it would very much have gotten in the way of doing anything physical. I was finally in the place where I could use my arm, but now I had that strange mysterious rash, and didn’t think it was right to do anything like that until I’d figured it out/gotten it cleared up. I don’t wanna pass anything on to anybody.

By sheer coincidence, Philly’s Emo Night ended up being this very same night (this one is held once a month), so I ended up heading over there and dancing until 2AM. I got very drunk and had a fantastic time. But there were a lot of couples. There was this girl that kept hitting on me, and then getting pissy when I didn’t reciprocate. There was this extremely hot dude in a Misfits hoodie, and early in the night we were the only two who were dancing, and he gave me a high five that he pulled into a bro hug after the song, which got me all riled up, but I couldn’t work it into anything else haha. And then this group of about four guys or so showed up, dancing all night, very affectionate, cupping each other’s faces when they talked to each other and all that. I’d seen them before and both times thought they might be gay, so I stuck close and was kinda part of their group for the night, which was really really fun. At the end of the night, one of them mentioned their girlfriend, and I reeled way more than I had any right to. I had a fantastic night. I went home feeling very alone.

Friday: Friday was my gym’s Christmas Party, which, much like Monday, was my first ever Christmas Party. I had a really fun time chatting with everyone, eating, watching one friend get drunk, try to jump up on the rings, and get dragged home by his wife. We had rowing contests and the losers had to take shots. But there was one guy there I’ve always had a crush on, a very straight, very married guy, and he was looking extremely hot and was acting extremely funny all night, and it was rough. I went home and dreamed about him all night. I woke up feeling even more alone and frustrated.

Saturday: I was pretty depressed and listless by this point. Feeling really sorry for myself despite all the fun I’d had all week. I had plans to drive up to Asbury Park for an Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties show and I just...really didn’t feel like going. But I drug myself out of bed and made myself go, because you don’t miss the gig. Before the show I wandered around Asbury, basically torturing myself. I wanted to visit a restaurant but had eaten lunch too late and wasn’t hungry. I found a gay club but still had that rash, so I didn’t wanna go in. I ended up standing on the beach, in the dark, finally having a genuine smile as I dodged the waves, but also just thinking about how sometimes Kangaroos just walk into the ocean and...never come back. I was not in a good headspace. I made myself get off the beach.

The show though...damn, that show. Dan played the second Aaron West album, Routine Maintenance, from front to back, and it’s an album about Aaron making the people in his life proud of him, about his friends giving him direction, about finding redemption through being there for his family in their darkest hour. That kind of shit is my kryptonite to begin with, but all I could think about was how all I had ever wanted in my life was to make my family proud, and how I’d never be able to do it, how someday soon they’re just...never gonna talk to me again. I cried twice during the set. And afterwards I got to hug Dan and tell him how much the album fucks me up. It was really cathartic. I felt the cloud start to lift.

Sunday: So Sunday I finally go to the doctor about this fucking rash, which hadn’t gotten any worse but had not gotten any better either. The diagnosis?

I have fucking shingles.

For those who don’t know, shingles is the chicken pox virus. After you’ve had chicken pox it never really leaves your body -- it stores itself away in your nerves. As an adult, it can reemerge as shingles, which begins as an intense pain, then advances into painful rashes on one side of your torso. Without intervention, they can continue to spread and become almost immobilizing. I’m currently on a pill I have to take three times a day for seven days, which will stop the progression of the shingles, and then it will heal up on its own, but it could take a few weeks.

Thankfully, I’m not contagious -- I can only spread the disease if someone has prolonged, direct contact with the rashes. I can be around people, but like I feared, it does rule out sex for a while. The worst part is that shingles as a disease can’t really be healed. The symptoms will go away, but I’ll be susceptible to outbreaks the rest of my life. Fortunately, the doctor made it sound pretty manageable -- the pain in my side, in that exact same spot, will always be my first symptom, so as soon as I feel that I need to get to a doctor and get back on the seven day medication to end the flare-up. It doesn’t sound like shingles flare-ups are super common either -- reading up on it, it looks like most people have, at the most, three outbreaks in their life. But, it’s still a chronic illness, and it’s one that’s very rare to emerge at this young of an age -- this is something you normally get in your fifties or sixties, not your early thirties! 

Honestly, I could only laugh. Just my luck, right? I’m so frustrated. My arm’s finally reached the point where I can get back to trying to pursue guys, but nope! the shingles has to postpone it a few more weeks :/

But despite it all, the depression of the rest of the week had mostly lifted. I had processed it. I was feeling better. For a while.

Back in the spring I had joined a subreddit for former members of the cult, which is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, as it let me share my story with people who had been there and understood, and really helped clear out the last remnants of the programming from my brain. Every once in a while different gay Ex cult member will contact me on there, and I’ve struck up a few nice casual friendships. Last week a guy reached out to me on there looking for friends in the same situation as him, and I replied, and on Friday he finally replied back, and we texted each off and on Saturday and Sunday morning. Sunday night, though, we got into a deeper conversation. He’s in his early twenties, and some of the stuff he was asking for advice about made it sound like he was just starting to wake up from the programming and just starting to think about leaving and being gay and everything. Eventually, as we talk more, I find out that that’s not fully the case. He’s jealous of some of the stuff I’ve done that he hasn’t -- going to Pride, going to gay bars -- but unlike me, he’s had a fair amount of sex. Like any closeted Witness, he had to drive into unfamiliar cities to do so, and it’s a strategy I’ve thought of trying but never pulled off. 

I dunno, I’m so depressed. I feel like such a failure. I know having sex doesn’t make you a better person, and not having sex doesn’t intrinsically make you a failure. But I feel like this because I want it so badly, because I always have, and I could have been doing it for years, and I’ve been really forced to confront the fact that it’s my own fear that’s been getting in my way all this time. If I’d really tried I could’ve done it by now. If I really tried I probably could’ve moved out and started my new life by now -- I’d probably be dirt broke in an apartment with like eight roommates, but I could’ve done it. I don’t feel like anybody else, including this guy I was chatting with, have been judging me for this, but I’m pretty disgusted with myself, irrational as it may be. I know it’s not true, but I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. And I’m so fucking sick of it.

So. This is everything I’ve been processing this week. I don’t really know what to do with it. I’ve gotta be patient a little while longer. Keep working on my real estate licensing test so I can make some more money. Wait for the shingles to heal up. Get on Grindr and just, fucking, fuck some dude the moment I’m cleared up.

But fuck, I’m so fucking sick of waiting.

[sing-sang-jisungie]

50 questions tag!

I was tagged by @justasimplefangirl so uhhhhh let’s get it

1. What takes up most of your time

Probably rowing! I row 5 times a week for about 3 hours so I’m very busy

2. What makes your day better?

My friends!

3. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you today?

I ate some really good chips omg

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

fricking uA HIGH FROM BNHA PLUS ULTRA

5. Are you good at giving advice.

I’m the squad psychologist so I hope so

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Yep! ADHD!

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis

Yes and it’s rlly scary

8. What musician inspired you most?

Sara Bareilles!

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

I don’t think so! But damn my best friend is really great

10. What’s your dream date?

Take me to anywhere I can run around. I can’t stand sitting still for long omg

11. What do other people notice about you?

My really loud voice or my long af legs lmao

12. What is your most annoying habit?

I talk so much about dumb things and all my teachers say I’m distracted haha

13. Do you still talk to your first love

He lives in Grahamstown and is a racist so no

14. How many exes do you have?

Only 1

15. How many songs are on your playlist?

My everyday playlist? 326 songs and it’s 18 hours and 46 minutes long

16. What instruments can you play?

A lil bit of guitar, the kazoo and shitty flute whoop

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

My cursed images and jaemin

18. Where’d you like to go before you die?

The Philippines and my cult :,)

19. What’s your zodiac!

Problematic scorpio

20. Do you relate to it?

Too much

21. What is happiness to you?

Just seeing my friends happy and living in the moment

22. Are you going through anything right now?

My sister moved to korea a few weeks back and I’m still a bit sad about it. It’s good to cry though

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

Deciding to climb out my friends window. Yeah, I fell (don’t worry it wasn��t very high)

24. What’s your favorite store?

Shop.SM.com

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

I think it’s a really important thing and that women should have a choice on whether they want to or not

26. Do you have a bucket list?

Nope!

27. Do you have a favorite album at the moment?

Not really. I’ve been playing the new red velvet Japanese album on heavy rotation lately, and the superhuman ep is really good

28. What do you want for your birthday?

I would like a new phone purely because my phone’s battery life is less than ideal and maybe a light stick

29. What are most people’s first impressions of you?

Idk, maybe intimidating? I’m a very lorge person so maybe

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’ve been told I look 18 and I’ve been allowed into a bar(not that I went in, I was just picking up my sister)

31. Where do you keep your phone while sleeping?

On my bedside table

32. What word do you say a lot

Shite, frack, darn, yeehaw

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

Currently? 19/20

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

14

35. What career do most people say suits you?

Performance based mostly. Like music and stand up

36. What’s your favorite genre of music?

Kpop, Jpop, Cpop, indie and alternative

37. If you could live in any country, where would you live?

Japan or Canada ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

38. What is your current favorite song

Sayonara by Red Velvet, Astro’s Starry Sky, Love song by Sara Bareilles and Odd Future by Amalee

39. How long have you had this blog for?

This blog is one year old in a few weeks I think? I can’t remember the start date

40. What are you excited for?

nct dream comeback, red velvet comeback, play rehearsals and the long row!

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

Talker!

42. What is the last productive thing you did

I rowed this morning

43. What do you want for Christmas?

Kpop merch and cosplay wigs

44. What classes do you get the best grades in?

Drama, I.T., English and Gym

45. On a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling?

A solid 8 today

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

Either rowing at a national level or theater ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

47. When did you have your first heartbreak?

When I found out my crush was gay lmaooo

48. At what age do you want to get married

25? Idk man

49. What career did you want to have as a kid?

I wanted to be a dancer, still lowkey do

50. What do you crave right now?

An iced vanilla latte owo

I’ll tag

@jising-jisang-jisung @ji-dropthatsingsangsung and really whoever wants to do this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯