#gawd. they r so dumb . god bless i miss them

[kitteqq]

redrawing that one puffle naming meme lol

[nanyoky]

hey gang guess who’s sick in bed and therefore not drinking but is definitely getting Fever Weird which is the next best thing really

No it’s not i’m sick as a dog and fucking miserable and probably not going to be as much fun as usual, full disclosure. Instead of sushi and cider like my usual wednesdays, i’m having tang and saltines so.... cheers.

also i want you all to know there were no working links so i had to wait for the official cw stream to go up like a pauper come on team it’s 2018 we’re better than this

mayor mac and the lodges are still in cahoots and now v knows why but you know who doesn’t yet? ME THAT’S WHO

oh wow so that’s penelope’s deal now

this is- in a darkly hilarious way- the photo negative of season one keller boys “no cruising guys today kiddo” “good GAWD dad”. “i may be a widow but i can still fucking PULL” “good GAWD mom”

i should not be laughing but oh my god CHERYL’S FACE jesus h christ

it’s veronica’s job to keep next gen riverdale chill “when the news breaks” ruh-roh

did archie say he’s going to start a band “of redheads”? so just- him on guitar and cheryl screaming into the mic like a kraken? that’s the only possibility i can envision

“are you upset?” “upset? ronnie, i’m crazy about you” that is a suburban white mom level of non-answer, archie- stop hanging out with alice cooper

RED ALERT KEVIN READS CLIVE BARKER NOVELS AND MY LOVE FOR HIM GROWS EVEN MORE

awkward betty and archie eye contact is almost as obvious as veronica’s stilted forced “we should probably all stay calm....” to the room at large

((the saltines went over pretty well so i think i’mma try some chicken nuggest pray for me team))

“my home is a dickensian nightmare- i won’t have my school turn into one too!” there is just... so much here. short version: cheryl’s origin story is that of the classic highschool bully: not in control of her home life, so enacts violent control over her school. in this way she has not changed. also jesus christ she’s so fucking dramatic i love her like this is in any way her problem but she’s automatically FURIOUS about it. but also just: wow cheryl hates poor people.

“of course. we’re fine.” kevin’s skeptical face (tm) is mint. top shelf. the good shit.

“jones- this is very lovecraftian, which i’m sure was the intention.” toni has jughead Figured Out, and i’m not sure he’s comfortable with that. 

*jake peralta voice* toni- first off your insinuating voice is way too high you sound like meryl streep in mama mia

oh my god sweetpea and fangs are just so dumb. so pretty and so dumb. just because you two wear leather jackets and flannel doesn’t mean you’re not dumb jocks. i’m calling it: sweetpea/reggie. can you imagine the angry makeouts???? so much angry repressed sexuality.

toni’s face of “oh god why are you morons celebrating” is some of the best we’ve seen of her so far my hopes are high for next gen serpent characterization with this plotline

WHAT DOES HIRAM NEED ALL THIS LAND FOR?!?!?!?!?!

POLLY MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh wow yeah actress must have gotten a better gig or something and is only available for a cameo or two if a show as drama loving as RIVERDALE is keeping the birth of twins offscreen

THE LEADERS OF THE FARM?????? NO. NO. UNACCEPTABLE.

“juniper and dagwood” *betty face*

also yes polly you are in a cult get your babies and LEAVE. go hang out with smithers and joaquin whom i command are safe and happy and healthy wherever they are

“that’s mine by the way” FUCKIN COLD.

FINALLY someone other than the sheriff’s office is getting involved in how fucking SHADY this “small” town is

“is this even legal, what you’re asking me to do?” SMART, REASONABLE ARCHIE IS HERE TO STAY I LOVE SMART, REASONABLE ARCHIE WHO HAS LEARNED NOT TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING ADULTS TELL HIM AT FACE VALUE

oh nevermind one seed of doubt and he’s back. poor boy. sweet boy. dumb boy.

oh nooooo freddddd

fp in his adorkable pop’s uniform smugly nudging about betty is a great moment everyone deserves an in-law that loves them like fp loves betty

please tell me “doctor beeker” is their actual science teacher’s name

we all know that finding the lost cooper brother is going to do ANYTHING but make alice a happier, more stable person right this is not going to end well

i mean even if he wasn’t a minor and using him to get information from a dangerous criminal was a profoundly shitty thing to do, the fbi could have picked literally anyone in town that would have been a better double agent because this is.... not a subtle conversation.

GREAT SONG CHOICE FOR THE SERPENTS’ INTRO TO RHS ((my mom had a tape with this song on it that she’d play to get me pumped for kindergarten))

okay i’m only going to say this once and then probably once more in the scorecard but: how much better would this mixed school plot have been if JOAQUIN WAS STILL IN TOWN?!?!?! the joy and comedy if he and kevin got back together?? the ANGST IF THEY DIDN’T?!?!?!?!?! i am CHEATED. LAID LOW. BITCHSLAPPED.

THAT BEING SAID: this is so good already. serpents swaggering in. veronica’s stepford forced cheer. cheryl and reggie STRUTTING to create conflict.

toni’s face upon gazing at cheryl once more is just so very gay. angry gay. furious that she has to see those mile long legs again.

“no one invited facist barbie to the party” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "ragamuffins” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh archie. so pure. so ineffective. as always.

did jughead just sidehug sweetpea away from conflict are they there now

i haven’t been paying enough attention to outfits so far but the placement of cheryl’s iconic spider broach not over her heart like a normal broach, but ON HER SHOULDER LIKE IT’S CRAWLING was a topnotch choice by wardrobe

again this is some classic response to sexual assault in the category of “well that’s unfortunate” until it’s about someone close to you come on archie you’re better than this.

which of course reinforces cheryl’s “me against the world” attitude because NO ONE SEEMS TO FUCKING CARE that she was attacked except veronica and the cats

“of the park avenue lodges” juggie. not helping. although i’d like to think jughead has mentioned veronica enough that toni knows this is just mild teasing between unlikely friends

josie’s awkward “now just... josie...” BROKE MY HEART

“joaquin and i used to hang out. talked about you all the time” OF COURSE HE FUCKING DID THAT POOR BOY WAS *ELIZA SCHUYLER VOICE* HELPLLLLLEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS. also i’m so happy joaquin has FRIENDS that hopefully still keep in touch please just someone check on him i miss my gay biker leo

godfuckingdammit reggie

“no more serpent jackets” okay- okay- i really need to ask the writers to go to a real high school just once. once. in what world would they have not made this a rule already???? i got in trouble in middleschool for wearing a bandana okay and i was a weird horse girl and LOOKED IT.

is josie hanging out with the core four+kevin because cheryl’s weirdness was scaring her off and the cats have cut all ties? has she lost her entire support network??? i’m worried about alpha kitty guys include her in stuff

jughead is #worked up and toni is having none of it thank god for toni

“i just need to borrow one of jason’s blazers” thank GOD they haven’t abandoned creepy ties between jason and archie. please someone share my half baked conspiracy theory that they were switched at birth and archie is the real blossom twin

juggie. i love you. i genuinely do. but you are being a prime fucking asshole right now. 

i was rolling my eyes so hard at jughead’s bullshit i almost missed sweetpea’s turtleneck which would have been a TRAGEDY

this separation between jughead’s attitude and the rest of the serpents is finally bringing to light what has bothered me about his plot this season so far. he’s so fucking desperate to fit into his role as the heir apparent to the gang but he doesn’t actually know shit about being in a gang and being in danger all the time. for all he grew up poor his has this really privileged attitude and i can’t wait for toni and co. to just tell him to sit down and shut up because believe it or not his actions have consequences

OH MY GOD VERONICA’S SOLUTION IS MAKEOVERS BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS

i was going to say “what they didn’t call ahead???” but of course not. cooper women do not call ahead

i mean we all knew this wasn’t going to go well and i think a lot of us thought it might be a possibility but...... umm.... heavens.... golly.... that.... that uh... looks like.... ayoungblondskeetulrich. .....jinkies.

oh god why do we have two prostitution plotlines in one episode why why is this a thing in riverdale now

on a lighter note they are hitting into my nostalgia funny bone hard this ep with the game in the whyte wurm being mortal combat ii it’s been years since i’ve gazed on those pixilated icons of my childhood

fp giving you advice on doing the smart thing instead of your kneejerk reaction to a shit situation is a real lowpoint i hope you realize that juggie

again, as heavy as it is, i’m glad they don’t shy away from the dreaded “R” bomb with this nick plotline. like characters seem hesitant to say it in a realistic way, but they do use it which keeps it from feeling like the creators trying to write around controversy

i like that they’re acknowledging it’s pretty shitty of archie to not care until it’s about veronica it feels like brewing #character development

BAHAHAHA TONI AND SWEETPEA LOOK ADORABLY HORRIBLE THIS PLOTLINE IS BLESSED

I mean don’t get me wrong, i love seeing nick get beat up as much as anyone else, but archie should have def talked to veronica before all that and she’s right to be upset

yess betty goin to rescue her bro and showing up in the suspiciously convenient nick of time i love it

archie being a good boy and clearing the air about the kiss before things get out of hand but also.... not mentioning the fbi agent after her dad is such a very riverdale thing to do

omg they’re making a d&d cover group i lied i’m bringing it up again HOW DARE THEY NOT HAVE JOAQUIN HERE FOR THIS WHEN HIS BOYFRIEND IS A CERTIFIED D&D NERD CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE THE BANTER

BLOSSOMS JESUS H CHRIST

god this poor lost cooper boy this is the most awkward situation ever because you know alice and hal are not going to handle this well and you know betty is going to try too hard to make it work and you know chic is probably involved in some stuff that will be Plot (tm) later on and this is just A Lot

archie.....

chic..... (we’re supposed to find this threatening, but psych, chic is noticing all the suspiciously different features they have almost like they might be half siblings instead of full siblings.....)

Episode Scorecard:

# of Sick Beat Drop Editing Sequences: None

Do I Still Miss Joaquin: Do i have to fucking elaborate YES okay goddammit someone better be working on a “joaquin never left” au to fit in with this serpents at rhs plot as we speak or i will be MOST CROSS.

Episode Hair MVP: Toni’s was looking particularly nice today

Episode Outfit MVP: sweetpea’s turtleneck. hands down. but with a close second being the placement of cheryl’s spider.

Episode Cast/Crew Shoutout: soundtrack was better than it has been this season- good choices there.