#gaslighting and beating me and leaving me to die and they wanna say i should be nicer fuck you

[nashvillethotchicken]

I stand with Louis no matter what. If either lestat or armand did that shit to me and people talked about me the way they talk about louis on here and on twitter you're gonna see me in history books

[disneyanddisneyships]

@gyubby99 Here's a gift.

Okay Julia so this like takes place before Aponi knew about the hotel and she was still working with angel.

"are you crazy!? He told you directly NOT to sing this song!" Angel dust whisper shouted.

"What's he gonna do? Fire me and break our contract? Now that's something that doesn't sound all too bad," Aponi replied as she put makeup on.

"Maybe. Or maybe he kills both'a us? I think that's som'n he'd do!" Angel argued.

"Oh please. He'd never kill you. You're his favorite. And me? Let's prey I die again," She stated as she stood up and made her way to the curtain.

"I'm tellin ya. As ya best friend, you're gonna get us all into shit!" Angel whispered.

"Tell cherri to feed my cat. And when I die again from the wrath of Valentino, I want you to clear my browser history," Aponi stated before winking and going out onto stage.

Angel let out a huff.

"Shes more stubborn than I am. Jesus christ," he muttered to himself before going to where the other performers were waiting to watch aponi sing.

She took the microphone and breathed in as the music started.

So you say you really miss me? (Aah) Well, that makes me laugh 'Cause you miss the way I let you walk all over me Broke every bone in my back

She began to sing. From the back of the club Valentino snarled.

So you wanna reminisce things? Huh (aah) Well, don't come round here with that If we review through your phony excuses I bet it won't change the past

She sang some more.

Some of the demons applauded in the audience, not knowing the lyrics that were about to come into play.

Closed for the weekend Don't you apologize I know you don't mean it I quit

Aponi looked at Valentino with that last part.

From the side of the room, angel dust's face scrunched up in worry for his friend.

Here's to the "no"s To the "I think you should go"s To the "leave his ass alone"s To the "hanging up the phone"s To the "no man can demand my body, my spirit, my love" Oh-oh

There were murmurs throughout the club instead if applause.

Here's to the "no"s To the "walk yourself on home"s To the "keeping on my clothes" To the "highs without the lows" To the "no man can demand my body, my spirit, my love" Oh-oh, I've had enough

At the last beat the lights went out only to be turned on again to see Aponi at a random table singing.

So you're claiming you're a martyr? What? Like, I don't have a clue Too bad I'm smarter, be discreet's a starter I'm staring right at the proof

Aponi smirked as she caught the glare of her boss for the 3rd time that night.

Closed for forever (uh-huh) I'm done with shutting up I've learned a lot better Listen

And thats when Aponi saw him. Her ex.

Sitting sheepishly in the corner of the room.

Oh this would be perfect.

Here's to the "no"s To the "I think you should go"s (I think you should go) To the "leave his ass alone"s To the "hanging up the phone"s To the "no man can demand my body, my spirit, my love" Oh-oh

She sang with even more ferocity as she walked closer to Valentino.

Here's to the "no"s To the "walk yourself on home"s To the "keeping on my clothes" To the "highs without the lows" To the "no man can demand my body, my spirit, my love, love, love"

When she got close to her boss she immediately turned around and looked at her ex.

If you're so mature now Then I think it's time you grow up

She sang as she walked toward him..

Admit you did it

She sang louder as she walked faster

We all know you did it

She got closer to him.

And yet you still gaslight me up

She practically screamed in his face before turning around and continuing with her song.

You are such a flame out Your only drive left's in the bed (your only drive left's in the bed) I don't deserve this And for your next girlfriend You need to treat her with respect

As she walked back to the stage, she sang the last few lyrics while looking at her ex.

Here's to my girls Standing up for what they're worth Yeah, you know who run the world I am ready to be heard No man can demand my body, my spirit, my love (my body, my spirit, my love) Oh-oh

Aponi sang as she looked at her coworkers, all of whom smiled at her boldness.

And for the boys Who don't care who they destroy Told us "no" was not a choice You cannot silence our voice No man can demand our bodies, our spirits, our love Oh-oh, we've had enough

She sang as the lights went out.

There were a few claps from the people just enjoying the music. But the silence was from the ones who understood the lyrics.

Backstage all of Aponi's coworkers were gathered around her in happiness.

All but one.

"Where's angel dust?" She asked as she looked around.

"I dunno," one of the others said before going back to talking to Aponi.

Meanwhile Angel was in Valentino's office only a few minutes after the performance.

"Look don't punish her. She don't belong her. Just fire her or somethin...." Angel Dust tried to reason.

"She made a mockery of my Club," Valentino stated. "And she's our best singer. It's gonna take a lot more from you to get me to rethink what I'll do to her,"

"..... you already have my soul and my body Val..... but if it means gettin her outta here? I'll give you whatteva ya want," Angel stated.

Valentino smirked.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I have ptsd back pain and pain in my right shoulder whenever I'm reminded of the painful moments, out of body experiences where JA hurt me while being vulnerable sexually, emotionally, mentally. I hate that it's close to the spot where my back sprained from falling backwards and catching myself on the steps that night from that fight with mom. Jay hit me with that umbrella higher than that spot, and now they're connected.

Even the times they abandoned me and left me on read, blocked me for months and I had to deal with hallucinations and insomnia, as if jaiden (their little alter identity) would come into my room in the middle of the night to help me sleep. I knew something had to be wrong for all this to come after being heart broken and treated so badly. The emotional abuse and the sexual abuse of boundaries and respect, the being made fun of, pulled back in to be used, then just leaving me again for somebody uglier and meaner than me.

These idiots have no idea and they don't care. And I wish I could pass all that unwanted ptsd back pain, stress, and reminders and memories that I have so they would know exactly how it feels to be the one they tortured for so long, on and off, going back and forth making me the bad guy to when I would pop off cause I had enough of being treated like shit. Like no normal human being with emotions wouldn't have tried to kick both of their asses either. And I'm sick of my dad looking at me crazy that I'm still upset about a bitch that broke my heart, took my money, and gave more to the dumb fat, ugly, rude bitch they were escaping from and cheating on.

I wish they knew how it feels to come home after a long day of work only to find yourself uncontrollable breathing, shaking, paranoid, sad, angry, frustrated, having a panic attack because some other bitch reminded me of them on tinder, so now I can't even dare date any new girls to move on from them.

My trust issues and intimacy scars are still there, strong in fold because of Jay and Ayunna. And I want consequences for both. I want them charged, fucked up in the face, beat till they can't fucking breathe, beat in the same spots in my back and my chest the exact same spots I feel those ptsd burns and pains.

I want them to burn just like they did me.

And it's stupid and senseless how they think they should even be claimed the victim and charge me with harassment to where I could go to jail and I didn't even touch them. I sent texts. So you're telling me my words hurt you that bad, you felt that threatened like a scared little fucking Karen, to get the cops called on me to take me to jail over some fucking texts?

Are you out of your fucking mind??? And you did even more worse shit to me??!! Bitch I can have yo ass go to jail for fraud, stealing money, and clothes from Walmart, and sexual assault, and fucking battery for punching me in my fucking leg because you thought it was funny. You had the audacity to ask me for my bank account numbers when I was drunk to where I couldn't even walk straight, same way you did when you hit me on my back when I could barely walk because you dares me to get high off of the whole blunt, you didn't care. Couldn't even defend myself because I was cross high...and you didn't even ask me for permission on some stupid bdsm shit.

Fucking hate yo black ass and the bitch that you with, still enabling you. Making me think I'm paranoid because I said I'm scared and I wanna leave. Yall made me think everything I did was wrong, and yall were entitled to gaslight me, humiliate me, and guilt trip into saying sorry for my reactions to being miserable and being mistreated, for even just walking out on yall when yall didn't even deserve shit from me.

Yall just wanted to control me, control my self esteem, control how I thought and how I felt about yall, just so you could torture me more for your stupid, sadistic, abusive sex toy, sex slave game. And I'm through with it. I hope the next bitch is smarter enough to catch on quicker and throw yall in jail, call the cops on yall. Let's see how you like being abused like that in there, you wouldn't like it if somebody did it to you, but you still do it to other people, then want to tag team the victim as if I'm in the wrong for being in pain. The pain that you started and brought up, cause yall got shit to deal with. Yo own daddy beat you till you got a cracked skull, so now you think its ok to beat me, because you still hurt by him?

LOOK IN THE FUCKING MIRROR JOCELYN YOU DOING IT JUST LIKE HIM!

FOLLOW IN YOUR DADDY FOOTSTEPS AND SEE WHERE IT GETS YOU.

I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT DUMB BITCH IN THE WHEELCHAIR THAT WHOOPED YO ASS TOO. SOUND LIKE YOU NEED TO HEAL FROM ALL THOSE FUCKING DEMONS INSTEAD TAKING ADVANTAGE OF GIRLS JUST LIKE ME AND THE OLD YOU.

YOU SUCK AT REDEEMING YOURSELF AND HAVE THE BALLS TO POINT THE FINGER AT ME WHEN I DIDN'T DO NOTHING BUT USE MY WORDS.

YOU THE BITCH THAT LIKE PUTTING YOUR HANDS ON WOMEN, CALLING US BITCHES, AND SLUTS, AND DEGRADING THEM JUST BECAUSE "oH iM tRaNs. I dOnT hAvE tO respect women."

You think you can push us around, tell us to bend over so you can penetrate us dry till we bleed, because you don't give a fuck about pleasing women either as a partner. No wonder ayunna asked me to fuck her. You don't like giving head, foreplay, boobs, none of that shit, but just torture it. Torture all of it.

You don't know how to be intimate, only abuse them and make fun of them. You're a tormenter and you'll always be like that. You don't even know how to make love to your soon to be wife, and it's been 2yrs and yall still engaged...the fuck who waits that long to be engaged and still sleeping with other ppl separately. Yall stupid, ignorant asses. Don't know nothing about sex, pleasing a woman, and making love.

No wonder yall separating everything. Even bought your own cats individually. Don't even know how to share or cooperate with other ppl. So damn controlling, you want other people to follow your damn orders with no input, no compromise. Like a fucking tyrant. It's your highway to hell. Lie in it. Die in it. I don't care. But trust, I will beat yo ass like you stole something the next time I see you and that dumb hoe you with. Cause she stupid too. Still letting you get a hall pass, when you can't even follow the rules you agreed to follow with her. You stupid cheating ass. Yall ain't shit.

[hairasuntouchedaspartoftheamazon]

I feel like the SPN fandom as a whole, especially the fantastic people who make vids, songfics and aesthetics, are missing out on the near-perfection that is The Gaslight Anthem. GA is a rock band from New Jersey, and basically all their songs have this vibe of “I’m a little sad, could kill you, miss when we were younger, and I want to be loud”. I’m also of the belief that a decent amount of their songs fit SPN perfectly.

Examples(I also highly recommend listening to all of these, they’re great):

American Slang(Highly appropriate in my opinion):

“And they cut me to ribbons and taught me to drive, I got my name tattooed inside of my arm. And I called for my father but my father had died! While you told us fortunes, in American Slang”

“And here’s where we died that time last year, and where the angels and devils meet, and you can dance with the Queen if you need, and she will always keep her cards, close to her heart.”

“....and I called for my father but my father had died! And we called for our mothers but our mothers had died, and you told us fortunes in American Slang”  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAqbnTKQBIY&list=OLAK5uy_np5CJdYInsAeogm56OsGNqLq0j1eBBzaI

Boxer:

“You got your pride and your prose, tucked just like a tommy gun somewhere in the smoke just in case you need it son, I heard it’s been a ride rougher than the last one, what’d you use to say, oh the harder they come”

“You took it all gracefully on the chin, knowing that the beatings had to someday end, we found the bandages inside the band, and the stitches on the radio, and there was something that was holding you down, and there were whispers that were driving you crazy and now you hunt the heart of this town, remember when I knew a boxer baby”

“And your tattooed knuckles oh how they grind down, try to be a man tough just like your father, try to settle down, more like a calm down remember them songs and the reasons we were singing for”

“And he, he says he just doesn’t miss her and he, hey says it’s somewhere in his framework, but I have heard you never really lose it do ya, do ya?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYMeWEGTOxA&list=OLAK5uy_np5CJdYInsAeogm56OsGNqLq0j1eBBzaI&index=7

Bring It On:

“...Blue eyes and spitfire, I saw you walking back and forth, about another boy, thinking that you may wanna leave, so give me the fevers that just won’t break, and give me the children you don’t wanna raise, and tell me about the Cool, he sings to you those songs, if it’s better than my love, bring it on”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-ZN7NyPfb4&list=OLAK5uy_np5CJdYInsAeogm56OsGNqLq0j1eBBzaI&index=3

We Did It When We Were Young:

“There are no reasons to believe, I buried my faith in another plot,Where your heart and your claws will not find, And I don't feel you or recall, I put your bones out in the yard, For someone else to be called and caught by” “And I cannot hold a candle for every pretty gun,We were strangers many hours and I missed you for so long, When we were liars, lovers in combat, Faded like your name on those jeans that I burned” “But I am older now, And we did it when we were young, I am older now, And we did it when we were young”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vw8WPJHajEY&list=OLAK5uy_np5CJdYInsAeogm56OsGNqLq0j1eBBzaI&index=10

Old Haunts:

“And all along you knew my story, didn't you? And all night long I carried yours, Your blood was mixed with wine and robbery, baby, And left us always wanting more” “So don't sing me your songs about the good times, Those days are gone and you should just let them go, And god help the man who says "If you'd have known me when..." Old haunts are for forgotten ghosts” “Cherry Bomb, your love is surgery, Removing what you don't regard, And every breath felt like a funeral, baby, While you were packing up your car” “And with the window down, I hear you're tired now, You borrowed everything and wore all your old welcomes out, Well, shame on you, my love, you sold your youth away, Memories for sinking ships that never would be saved”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoDKQT7vXNA&list=OLAK5uy_np5CJdYInsAeogm56OsGNqLq0j1eBBzaI&index=8

The Spirit of Jazz:

“The Cool is dead, baby, go on to sleep, Rest your weary head and love a better me, And in the morning we'll start over again,That's how they do it up on the screen” “Was I good to you, the wife of my youth? Not another soul could love you like my rotten bones do, So I will wait on the edges in between, These New York streets where you and I would meet” “For twenty-nine years we loved that line, And I would take it easy if I had your mind, But I'm a cannonball to a house on fire, And you're slow like Motown soul” “So what now, lover with your long black hair?, If I cut you open, baby, I can repair, Bandage your wounds with the salt on my tongue, And I'm the only one around here”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9KOUAmZ12w&list=OLAK5uy_np5CJdYInsAeogm56OsGNqLq0j1eBBzaI&index=9

Wherefore Art Thou Elvis?(Tell me that this isn’t the Sam Winchester song, I dare you):

“I cut my teeth on the stone of a teenage romance, I was the salt of the earth, I was hard, The last of the independents” “And in the breath from my chest I was blowing kerosene, My lips and fingertips were stone, I wore my heart on my jeans, I sang the blues like the dogs left too long in the street, I still sing the blues with the dogs” “And I got half a mind to let it all burn up in this fire, I've had burning through my veins since I first learned to cry, I'd watch this whole night come down and never miss her again,I never felt right and never fit in walkin' in my own skin” “Now I got scars like the number of stars, My mind's full of vipers, I got the dust of the desert in my bones, Comin' through the amplifiers, And in the minor chord fall and the fourth and the fifth, It's a broken Hallelujah and a pain in my fist, I wash my hands like the man with the blood on his teeth, Over and over without relief” “Walkin' in my old man shoes, with my scientist heart, I got a fever and a beaker and a shot in the dark, I need a Cadillac ride, I need a soft summer night, Say a prayer for my soul, Señorita”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPdCP5f_gmk

High Lonesome:

“And Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand, I always kinda sorta wished I looked like Elvis, And in my head there's all these classic cars and outlaw cowboy bands, I always kinda sorta wished I was someone else” “There was "Southern Accents" on the radio as I drove home, And at night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet, It's a pretty good song, baby you know the rest Baby, you know the rest”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UErXgvNV3lw

’59 Sound:

“Well I wonder which song they're gonna play when we go, I hope it's something quiet and minor and peaceful and slow, When we float out into the ether into the everlasting arms, I hope we don't hear Marley's chains we forged in life, 'Cause the chains I've been hearin' now for most of my life” “Did you hear the '59 sound, Coming through on Grandmama's radio? Did you hear the rattlin' chains, In the hospital walls? Did you hear the old gospel choir When they came to carry you over?Did you hear your favorite song, One last time?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw3w1iKiq8M

Mulholland Drive:

“Did you sleep last night and do you remember dreams? Do I ever cross your mind and do you ever think of me? When you think about your life are there things you would reverse? I still remember holding you, just out of sight of her, In the deep, dark parking lot pressed up against my car, With your hands around my neck I felt the pounding of your heart, And the summer night was giving in to the lure of Autumn’s sway, I can’t seem to forget that night or how I heard you say, ohh and I’d just die if you ever took your love away”

“And I can still recall the hour when you first let down your walls, I thought I might've died right there floating up above it all, But it scared you love, to need someone, so you killed it all instead”

“And did you miss me when I'm gone? And the simple things we used to rely on? Who came to wipe your tears away? Who came to bring back your dignity baby? And who came to drive you around this town, Like I used to drive you all around with the radio on”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR4-F-P-Y6Q

Film Noir:

“I'm all washed out by the side of the road, Broken bones Matilda left a note and a rose, Sayin', "Baby honey child, I've loved you so long, But you deserve much better than me."” “So I'm just burnin' all around all the miles in the road, And I'm never goin' back and I'm never goin' home, I've been gone too long, I've been less right than wrong, I lost so much blood in the fallin' out” “And I lit a fire that wouldn't go out, Until it consumed the walls and roof of this house, Until all I remember was burnin' away, And all I remember, you burned it away” “See, for ten long years I've been hustlin' around, Tryin' to wash the sins and the sweat from my brow, Just tryin' to find a better life for me and my own, Just some rest for these tired workin' fingers” “But nobody never gonna tell you the way, You gotta figure it out boys and suffer the rain, And the fools in the night and the heat of the day, When all you ever really wanted was for someone to understand”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KS9Cz1HgVs

She Loves You(this just gives me lowkey Destiel vibes):

“And if all was well, And your heart could find the words, Would we be for better baby, Would we be for worse, And if there was a way, To navigate your seas, If tonight my true love (Dared belong to me)”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHYY-_3Ft84

Boomboxes and Dictionaries:

“I took a drive today, I thought about you, I thought about a friend who passed And how much we just went through” “I saw the sun shine off the hood of a Cadillac, I thought about some things I said, And some I would take back, I thought about how fortunate I feel to be alive” “And if you're scared of the future tonight, We'll just take it each hour one at a time, It's a pretty good night for a drive, So dry up those eyes, dry up those eyes” “Because the radio will still play loud, Songs that we heard as our guards came down, Like in the summertime when we first met, I'll never forget, and don't you forget, These nights are still ours” “We should remember to slow down more often, And maybe we will, Now here's a lot of good things coming our way right now, A lot of bad has passed, But we survived the breakdowns, All is forgiven, water under bridges now”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9zYLE6Em7U

Drive:

“In my head I am already gone, Side roads boarded up, decisions decided on, But in my nights there are restless hours, When 3 AM comes down and nothing else comes up “And the only thing we know, Is it's getting dark and we'd better go, And the only thing we see, Are the despairs of the day, And if you're too tired, Go to sleep my brothers, I, And if you're too tired, Go to sleep my brothers, I'm all right to drive” “And in my heart I'm the weary kind, I'm much tired to cry, Though it's sad enough for tears, It's been try, fail, try for years, And when the next year comes along, I don't know if I'll be home, I don't know if we'll survive”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClWHlXWSG9M

Biloxi Parrish(This is totally a Cas song):

“I've been fumbling with your heart strings, And that's good enough for me, And if I've rained on one of your hours, Then I know I must been working,Try it on for size my darling, See what a man you can make of me, I will eventually haunt you, And you'll eventually be my queen” “And I'll be with you through,The dark so that you do not, Go through the dark alone, Or on your own” “I've been down Biloxi Parish, And that's all the same for me, I found that nothing truly matters That you cannot find for free, I love you more than can I tell you, When you pass through from this world, I hope you ask to take me with you, Or that I won't have to wait too long, But until then I'll be with you through the dark, Yes, until then I'll be with you through the dark” “And who else can say that about you, baby, Who else can say that about you, now, And who else can take all your blood and your curses, Nobody I seen you hanging around" “And all of our heroes were failures or ghosts, Burned out in brilliant explosions alone, And all of the blood and the sweat that they gave, Well, we took it all and we threw it away”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2RSKSYIXKY

Here Comes My Man:

“And how much time do you think that we have? If I wanted to, I could start over again, Let the good night decide who she wants me to find, And I'll never let you drop another tear in my eye, Singing oh sha-la-la, oh sha-la-la, Listen honey here comes my man”

“So I packed up my things and I faced up my doubts, You know I think I will grow my hair back out, Nevermind what you think, Nevermind what you like, I'll take it out to the streets for somebody else to admire”

“Maybe time will tell you, Why I got so much hell to sell you, Please, please understand me, Oh you can't just dance around me, Maybe your work will love you, When I'm just not there to hold you, Maybe your pride can be your companion, Oh but I just won't be there to stand for it, Not one more minute will I stand for it”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBkfHv6kc5o

Blue Jeans and White T-Shirts:

“We are the boys from Little Eden, We are the heart of Saturday night, We drink from the fountains off the fireworks, Sweat and bone for a better life”

“Still we sing with our heroes, 33 rounds per minute, We're never going home until the sun says we're finished, I'll love you forever if I ever love at all, Wild hearts, blue jeans, & white t-shirts” “Some things baby never told you, Some things papa done ain't right, Spent a lifetime just to get over, You always said my mama tried”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3sQsWuDHrw

[hereticpriest]

Powdered Sugar Chapter 2

Warnings: Kinda nsfw I guess? Nothing actually happens, it’s just thoughts and not super descriptive. Descriptions of domestic violence. Reference to past rape.

Duncan changes before going over to Margaery’s for dinner, though he can’t necessarily nail down the reason why. He puts on a black sweater he hasn’t worn yet and a pair of trim black pants, fixes his hair, and grabs his bottle of retirement whiskey in case Minnie feels like indulging. With such a short walk between houses, he can’t imagine why not. He’s surprisingly fond of his new neighbour, which may have something to do with his instinct to protect kicking in, and perhaps something to do with the fact that he wants her. Both feelings often lived together, as did his insufferable interest in women far younger than him.

When he approaches Margaery’s cabin, he notices her through the window singing while her dog, Theo, dances around her feet and howls along with her. From what he can hear, her voice is beautiful, but scratchy with disuse. He heads to the door and knocks gently, listening to her hush the dog and call out that she’s coming. He hears a crash and almost instinctively opens the door but stops himself.

“Are you okay?” he shouts, and he hears muffled cursing before a response.

“Yes, yes, I’m fine, sorry, I just kicked my gun safe on accident.” Minnie says just before opening the door hunched over with her left foot crossed over her right knee, her hand squeezing her toes. She smiles wryly at him, adjusting her cozy socks, “Sorry, I was going to wear normal socks, but the floor is cold unless you’re by the fire.”

Duncan simply nods, stepping past her into the house when she moves aside for him. He removes his shoes and holds up the bottle he’d brought, smile tugging at his lips when she cheers. The house smells amazing, and he finds himself drawn towards her kitchen. She’s dressed comfortably in a pair of black leggings and a navy sweater dress with pockets in the front, a metal lighter in one pocket and a pack of cigarettes in the other. He likes it. He’s used to his flashy world of bright colours and women dressed in tiny clothes. It is surprisingly sexy to see a woman dressed comfortably. Is this what happens when you retire? You get old and suddenly cozy socks and leggings are sexier than miniskirts and backless dresses?

Minnie smiles as she watches Duncan breathe in the smell of their dinner, Theo hot on his heels for pets. When he bends down to pet the dog, she eyes him appreciatively for a moment before heading over to check the lasagna.

“Hey, Duncan? Can you set the table while I finish the salad? Don’t worry, it’s not a boring salad. I put some effort into it actually being worth eating.” Minnie laughs to herself, slicing grapes into halves with practiced ease. She feeds a couple of slices of apple to Theo as she goes, listening to the gentle sounds of clinking as Duncan puts down plates and cutlery.

“Thank you.” Minnie’s voice is low, almost a purr. She finds it comforting that Duncan is so quiet. He fits into the comfortable hum of her cabin, the only sounds usually the crackling of her fireplace, Theo panting, and the occasional record on her old record player. She sometimes sings, but that is a recent development. She hasn’t felt comfortable or happy enough to sing in a long, long time.

“Are you a hunter?” Duncan asks, his voice quiet and rumbly, and she can’t help the shiver that runs down her spine.

“Oh, no. I mean, I can… I know how. My dad was a hunter. They’re for… self defense.” Minnie swallows around the lump in her throat, “I should… actually tell you this. As my neighbour. I just… I just don’t w-wanna ruin the mood before we eat.”

“It won’t.” Duncan replies simply, opening the bottle of whiskey and picking up the two glasses she had laid out. He pours them both two fingers and slides the glass across the island to her.

“Thank you. Uhm, I… I moved out here for a reason. I was dating a guy and it… I mean, it was the typical abuse story, you know? He was nice and then he began verbally abusing me, and then gaslighting me, and then punching my teeth in. Then, he’d soothe me and apology and say it was never going to happen again. Eventually, after he got drunk one night and raped me when I refused him, I broke out of things and decided to leave. He duct-taped my mouth, tied me up in the basement and kept me there for a week before I managed to get free. He raped me while he had me down there, but he didn’t hit me. I was tied up, so he didn’t feel the need, I guess. The police were fucking useless, as there were no reports of abuse and no evidence of him holding me hostage. He beat the shit out of me again, but a neighbour got me out while he was sleeping and brought me to a women’s shelter. Lived there for a while, got better, got an apartment. Got Theo. And then he found me.” Minnie isn’t looking at him, but she can feel his eyes on her. Theo lays at her feet, comforting her with his presence.

“I got away again, packed up all my shit, and found this cabin. I had been training with my gun since I got away from him the first time. It’s been… Nearly a year, actually, since I left him. Hard to believe.” Minnie licked her lower lip, finally looking up at Duncan. He looked murderous, but she wasn’t afraid of him in that moment, oddly enough. She felt safe, surprisingly.

“What does he look like? And his name.” Duncan asks, and Minnie finds a picture on her phone for him. He looks around Minnie’s age, broad chested and shouldered, maybe the same height as Duncan. His hair is brown, cut short military style, and his eyes are a cold blue.

“His name is Cody Grant.” Minnie informs him quietly, setting the salad on the table and taking the lasagna out to rest and cool before they eat. Duncan sits after she gently touches his shoulder, the contact drawing him out of the dozen imaginary murder scenarios going on in his head. They eat in relative silence, both being quite quiet people in general even without the emotional story. Minnie serves the lasagna when they finish their salad, with Duncan giving soft praise of the salad for being a good mix of vegetables and fruits that actually tasted good instead of tasting like bland lettuce. The lasagna goes down with the same silence followed by quiet appreciation, and the two down the rest of their whiskey nearly in unison.

“Dinner was nice.” Duncan says as he leads Minnie out onto the porch to smoke. Minnie smiles in return, putting her hand over his when he begins to take a cigarette of his own out.

“We can share, Duncan. I don’t know if I want a whole one right now.” Minnie hums, flicking open her lighter and lighting one of her own. She takes a long drag off of it, then hands it over to Duncan, shivering as a gust of wind bit through her clothes. A warm jacket is placed around her shoulders, and she sighs contently, bumping her hip against Duncan’s.

“Thank you, cher.” Minnie hums, taking the cigarette from his lips and taking another deep pull from it. She can feel Duncan’s eyes boring into her, but she doesn’t feel scared. Another puff, and she lifts the cigarette to Duncan, her fingertips brushing his lips as she slid the cigarette between them. It almost felt like he was leaning in to the touch.

“D-do you w-wanna stay for a movie? Uhm… uh unless you’ve got plans, of course?” Minnie hesitated, but Duncan merely nodded.

“I was just going to watch one at home. Company would be better.” Duncan replies, taking a puff from his cigarette, then stubbing it out and walking back into the cabin with her. They watch a romantic comedy together, tucked onto her little sofa together. It surprises her how quickly she finds herself comfortable with Duncan, but he is just a very easy person to be around. Theo lays at their feet, dozing away in the light and heat of the fire. Minnie falls asleep just before the credits, curled up against Duncan’s side. Duncan joins her moments later, the warmth of a body against his lulling him to sleep.

When Minnie wakes, Duncan is gone. His jacket is still draped around her, and she’s tucked under a blanket. The fire has been fueled again so that it wouldn’t die on her, and Theo has only moved a couple of feet through the night. She sighs, surprised to have slept without nightmares, and stretches until a series of pops in her joints break the silence. She makes breakfast, letting out Theo partway through cooking when he wakes up to the smell of bacon. In a particularly good mood, Minnie decides to go into town after breakfast to return her DVDs and perhaps rent a couple more. Her day is dull, but she sees Duncan when he goes outside to smoke, and she waves at him from her own porch, a smile tugging at her lips.

They spend the next couple of days together in one way or another. On Monday, Duncan goes out to chop wood while Minnie is out for a run, and by the time she returns, he’s lost his sweater and his undershirt. She watches for a moment, feeling somehow like she’s seeing something she shouldn’t be seeing, especially when she notices his vast collection of scars. She had noticed the first time she had seen him shirtless, but this was a longer view, and she wasn’t nearly as shocked. When Duncan notices her, he gives a little wave, so she approaches and tries to look at anything but his chest. He’s got a lovely coat of fur on his chest and belly, and she has an awful itch to see how thick it is around his dick. The thought of which immediately has her blushing, taking a not-so-subtle look at his crotch, and stammering about needing to check something at her house. Duncan watches her go, partly because he’s questioning what the hell just happened, and partly because she’s wearing yoga pants that hug her ass so tightly it looks like they’re painted on.

Tuesday, Minnie brings Duncan some croissants and muffins, claiming they are extras from the batches she made and that she’ll never be able to eat them all on her own. Duncan does not complain and is very pleased when the sight of him in his reading glasses has her blushing and stammering again on her way out.

Wednesday, they meet in town for lunch at the local diner and then have dinner at Duncan’s cabin, where they once again drink too much and fall asleep watching a movie. Minnie wakes from a nightmare to Duncan holding her against him, petting her hair and shushing her. She takes advantage of the moment to snuggle in close, enjoying the gentle human contact after so long without. Duncan lulls her to relaxation again, then carries her back to her cabin and tucks her into bed. He lets Theo out for her, then puts him back in the house and heads home to find rest for himself again.

Thursday, his accountant calls to arrange an appointment to look into some issues with his other properties, and he agrees to a meeting on Monday. He spends most of the day trying to decide whether or not it is a good idea to ask his neighbour to go with him. He waits until after dinner, knocking at her cabin door and asking if she minds company. He’s brought a book, and she understands his intentions, so they end up sitting on the couch together with quiet piano music in the background. Her feet are under his thigh, and he occasionally takes a break from reading to rub her ankles and calves when his eyes get sore. It feels right, and good, and neither of them say it, but they both wonder if there’s such a thing as ‘meant to be’. Duncan doesn’t ask her about Seattle until he’s about to leave, and he’s shocked when Minnie agrees to spend Saturday to Tuesday with him. She doesn’t complain when he says he’ll pay for Theo to be boarded, and for her flight, and for the hotel. Minnie just thanks him sweetly and presses a kiss to his stubbly cheek.

Friday, Duncan arranges the trip. He shells out, because he can and because he wants a little bite of what his life used to be. He wants to make Minnie feel special, part of him hoping his actions can speak louder than his words since he can’t seem to find the right ones to tell Minnie how he feels. They’ve known each other less than a month, but he feels at home with her, and his retirement is beginning to feel quite good. He checks in with Minnie in the afternoon to find her packed and cheery, cupcakes littering every counter and her table. She gives him one, and when he gets icing in his moustache, she wipes it away with her thumb, then leans in to kiss away another smudge of icing on the corner of his lips. He melts into it, tilting his head and kissing her as if she were as delicate as a butterfly wing. Minnie feels safe, and warm, and home. Once the kiss is broken, she presses her forehead to his and brushes her nose against his with a smile.

Duncan thinks for a moment that maybe this is what peace feels like.

[adampage]

Oh, Arthur.

Part 1: Nothing Else Matters (link to ao3 if it’s easier to read there)

Pairing: John Marston/Abigail Roberts (mention), John Marston/Arthur Morgan

Word Count: 2402

Warnings: *Don’t read if you haven’t finished the game. Seriously.*

Author’s Note: This b*tch loves happy endings. I’m still catching feelings for Arthur Morgan and I’m not the only one. Part 1 is angsty, but the next few parts will be comfort (and possibly smut? idk yet). Stay tuned.

***

John hadn’t seen Arthur in nearly a decade. The last time he’d seen him, he was running away from Dutch and Micah, tripping his way over stones and dirt on a bloody mountainside. The Pinkertons were right on their tail, too, and Arthur had stayed behind to give John and his family a chance at survival. It ached John to the core to leave him, the way he had, but Arthur hadn’t really given him much of a choice. He was a stubborn old fool if John had ever met one, and it only made sense that he was, given the kind of men that he’d been raised by.

It was difficult to tell which gunshot of the many he’d heard echo throughout the hills was the one that got him, but he remembered one in particular that sounded so terrifying John tripped over his boots and fell to the ground, a cry of frustration preceding the tears that sprang from his eyes, as his heart skipped a beat when he knew. He knew, and there wasn’t a goddamned thing he could do about it now. Arthur was gone, and he’d never come back.

John coughed up bile in the bushes, pang of misery convulsing through him from the battle he’d gone through hours before, on the train. The anxiety bubbling did nothing to help matters, and it took him several moments to calm himself. He thought of Abigail, of Jack...they were waiting on him in Annesburg, with Mrs. Adler protecting them. He knew how wild she could be, and reckless. He only hoped she kept them safe until he got there.

“John, you sorry son of a bitch,” he huffed out, struggling to stand up in his grief and agony, the sound of Pinkerton horses rumbling beneath his feet, “this ain’t no time to be a weak bastard.”

He wandered through the trees, hiding when necessary from men on horseback John knew he couldn’t outrun. He walked all the way down the mountain, until he caught sight of the yellow gaslights hanging from the wooden buildings of Annesburg. Hiding in the shadows from any officials roaming about, he found the house that Arthur told him his family was hiding in. Sadie opened the door with a cocked gun at his face and a knife to his groin.

“Mrs. Adler, always a pleasure,” John groaned.

“John!” Abigail cried from behind her, rushing past the other woman and pulling him into her arms. “John, you’re alive!”

He didn’t have time to register any other words being spoken, before everything went dark.

***

“Wake up, you scarred fool.”

“Leave me be.”

“Oh, so it’s gonna be like that, huh? I always knew you were a lazy sod.”

“Shut up!”

“I’ll be quiet when you learn to wake up before the sun rises.”

“It’s no wonder nobody likes you,” John grunted, eyes flying open to find Arthur dropping his hat on his face.

“Does it look like your opinions matter to me, John Marston? Now wake the hell up before I make sure you never wake up again.”

“Always with the threats,” John’s feet touched the grass as he willed himself awake, “You ever try bein’ nice to people?”

“Last time I was nice to somebody I ended up in jail.”

“That doesn’t say much, considerin’ we’re always runnin’ from the law.”

Arthur whistled for his horse, patting her gently when she trotted over obediently. “Now, that’s a good girl.”

“Ah, still probably ain’t worth it to be nice to you.” Arthur whistled for his horse, patting her gently when she trotted over obediently. “Now, that’s a good girl.”

John sighed as he put his boots on, then put on his dark overcoat. He walked over to his own horse, pulling a carrot out of his coat and feeding the animal. “Oh, what a good girl.”

“You mocking me, Johnny boy?”

John instantly saw red, but kept his emotions in check long enough to mount his horse and follow Arthur to his destination, wherever the hell that was. The truth was, he never knew where he stood with Arthur. One minute, they were like best friends, working together - protecting each other - completely on the same page. And the next, he was listening to Arthur’s incessant poking and prodding, pinpointing all the little things about John that John couldn’t stand about himself. He couldn’t get a read on him sometimes, and it was beginning to drive him nuts. He’d think that after twenty years of Arthur’s bullcrap, he’d be used to it by now.

Maybe he was just a weak son of a bitch.

Or maybe, he was just sensitive to Arthur’s provocations because he longed for his approval. He’d been the apple of Dutch’s eye since they found him, but even as a kid he knew he wasn’t Dutch’s first son. The golden boy, at least to John, was Arthur. And Arthur was the one he always wanted to impress. As a child, he sought the approval of the older boy by following him around everywhere, wanting to learn everything that Arthur could do, just like him. As an older man now, he just wanted his respect. So he did as he was told. Hell, he thought, he’d probably die for Arthur ten times over, if it meant that Arthur would see him as an equal.

But it felt like Arthur always kept his respect a feather out of reach.

“You’re awfully quiet back there. The wolves get your tongue, too?”

“Why are you always screwin’ with me, Morgan? Don’t you have anything better to do? Why do you always call me for help on a job when it seems like you can’t even stand me half the time? Why don’t you get Charles, or-or Lenny to-”

“Shut your goddamn mouth, John, we’re here.” Arthur dismounted his horse, setting it at a picket just outside of Valentine. The sun was rising above the trees, painting the sky in gorgeous pink and orange hues. John settled his horse beside Arthur’s and leaned against the nearest tree, wondering what in the hell this was all about.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, John picking at the grass bordering the tree. He should have taken comfort in the refreshing breeze blowing through the town, but his stomach was full of anxiety. He knew Arthur had reasons for doing the things he did, so he didn’t like to ask more than once. But Arthur was silent, and it was beginning to rub him the wrong way.

Just before John opened his mouth, Arthur stirred, picking himself up. “They’re here.”

“Who’s here?” John asked, already irritated at Arthur’s silence up until this point.

“The book wagon, John. The book wagon.” Sure enough, John heard the faint sound of clopping hooves on dirt road, the wagon coming into view.

John scowled. “Book wagon? You woke me up before sunrise so we could rob a book wagon?”

“Not rob it, you dumb bastard.” Arthur scoffed. “It’s for the kid, John. For Jack.”

“There you go, pretending to be his father again,” John quipped, “You sure the kid ain’t yours?”

John was held up by the lapels of his coat and slammed against the tree before he could even speak another word. Arthur’s eyes were bright with anger, his jaw clenched tight beneath his cowboy hat. Though John feared for his life in that moment, he couldn’t help but notice just how picturesque Arthur looked. It was damn near distracting, in a moment where he should have been completely focused on finding a way to tame the man’s wrath.

“I’m gettin’ real tired of you runnin’ your mouth, boy. The fact of the matter is, I wouldn’t have anything to do with the kid if you’d just man up. Even if he weren’t yours -hell, even if the kid was mine- you love Abigail, don’t you?”

John struggled to speak. “Y-yeah, I do.” He gasped.

“Then what the hell are we even talkin’ about this for? Do right by her son, and you do right by her. Don’t make me have to say this again.” Arthur set John down, mounting back on his horse and heading towards the book wagon. “Reasons as to why I brought you along was so you could take the credit. You think I want your kid likin’ me more ‘n he likes you?”

John swallowed, feeling like a real piece of shit. All Arthur ever did was try to help him be better, and John was always second-guessing his intentions. It was wrong, and unfair. But he could never tell Arthur that.

“What kind of books should we get him?”

Arthur smiled at him, and it damn near took John’s breath away. “I was hopin’ you could tell me.”

***

“Anything else you need from town, sir?”

“Nothin’ you could buy me in a store, son. You be careful.”

“I will.”

“You sure you don’t wanna take Uncle with you? I sure would appreciate it.”

“Ah, I don’t think that’d be a good idea, sir. What if he gets into a fight at the saloon?”

“I guess you’re right, Jack. Well, I tried.” John shrugged, patted the horses, made sure they were hitched correctly to the wagon. “Go on.”

“I’ll see you in a couple hours, sir.”

“Good luck.”

John watched his son drive away, hoping to whoever was up in the sky that his son would make it back home safe. It was the first time since Abigail left that he felt at ease enough to let Jack go anywhere by himself. Truth be told, he was afraid. Afraid that Jack would leave one day and never come back. Just like Abigail. Just like the gang. Just like...Arthur.

“Where’s the kid?” Uncle grunted, taking a swig from his bottle.

“None of your damn business. Now come help me with the herd, would ya? I’m sick of you not earnin’ your keep around here.”

“Now wait just a minute-”

Goddamn, John rolled his eyes. He won’t shut up the rest of the morning. This is what I get for antagonizing the man. “You know what, Uncle? You go ahead and rest. I’ll be fine by myself.”

“Well,” Uncle grinned. “If you insist.”

“Oh, I insist.”

“All right then, Marston.”

John spent the whole morning out on the ranch, repairing his fence where one of the more belligerent bulls had rammed through. After finishing with that, he took a small break under the shade of the tree that looked over Abigail’s garden, wondering where in the hell his life went wrong. He thought Abigail was happy all these years, slavin’ away by his side, watching their little ranch grow into something respectable.

Must not have been good enough.

He sighed quietly to himself. Oddly, her leaving didn’t feel like the end of the world. When she packed up and left, it was just the icing on the cake of a life he screwed up all on his own. It was the last consequence in a series of consequences that were well deserved, from what he could tell.

Oh, Arthur. If you could see me now. Some life you saved.

Arthur Morgan. The only person in his life who didn’t leave out of selfishness. Quite the opposite, really.

John’s nose flared, his body unable to handle reliving old memories. Thinking about Arthur only made him into a mess. In all these years, he’d found and reacquainted himself with all of his friends. Charles and Uncle helped him build the ranch from the ground up, when it was just some backwater piece of crap halfway between Strawberry and Blackwater. Sadie helped him find work (of dubious means), and he even found Mr. Pearson working in Rhodes when he had to deliver a bounty there one day. He spent the night at his house, and even had some of Pearson’s famous beef stew. He definitely didn’t miss it one bit. Lenny he heard was up north, had started a good life with Tilly Jackson. They were partners and owners of a hotel and saloon. Mary Beth, he found working in a law office as some sort of secretary clerk. She told him she was thinking of writing a book about their adventures.

Adventures. Made it sound like they were heroes on a journey. He scoffed. Dutch sure thought that’s what they were. “Dutch weren’t no hero,” he whispered to himself. “And neither am I.” But Arthur was.

All these years, he managed to find all of the friends he had left.

Except Arthur.

And he wasn’t going to.

***

John woke to the sound of Jack approaching in the wagon. He wiped the sleep off his face, disgusted to find that his hands were covered in dirt from sleeping underneath a tree outside. Wiping his hands off on his work pants, he met Jack in front of the house, surprised to find him not alone.

“Hey, pop,” Jack embraced him. John was surprised at the greeting, his son not being one to hug often, or have any physical contact with anyone. He was a quiet kid. But John was weary of the man moving quietly in the shadows of the wagon. “You’ll never guess who I found.”

“Yeah? Who is it?”

“Johnny Marston.”

John’s face went white and his fingers went numb, a cold shiver roaming up his spine. The broad-shouldered man dressed all in black had his face hidden beneath his hat, but he knew that smirk. That stubbled jawline. The leaning of his body, and the hand at his belt buckle. And it nearly swept John off his damn feet.

“Arthur.”

“Come here, you dumb bastard.” He pulled John into a tight hug, and for the first time in a long time John felt like he didn’t have to watch over his shoulder, like he didn’t have to worry about every little thing, like everything that ever mattered in this world was right here, standing in front of him. And yet… he had to know. He had to know how. But first, he was going to revel in the feeling of Arthur’s warmth, his tender embrace absolutely bein’ the thing he needed in this moment.

When Arthur pulled away, he gave John a look like he was waiting on John to say something. Anything. John cleared his throat, realizing he had to play the part of man-of-the-house. “You want to come in?”

Arthur bit his lip, eyes bright with an emotion John couldn’t figure out. “Sure.”

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I need an out. A$AP Rocky

I'm bad at summarizing...

I already mentioned the story about my momma trying to push me down the stairs in March.

I just had a PTSD flare up. And I didn't know those things really do come back, just from feeling a similar experience. My friend from college witnessed me having a full on panic attack, like about a month ago. I still am afraid about making her upset.

Its burning right now, literally the same spot in my back from where I bent myself too far tryna catch me from falling.

Mom and Dad were joking and laughing about me "You got cussing tourettes" cause we were watching Queen Latifah die in Set it Off.

Sounds ridiculous right?

I hate when they make fun of me like that, like there's something wrong with me, like I'm slow, stupid. Like I'm still that careless 12 yr old from Florida who was too shy to speak up for herself.

Mom said "I'm gon' hit you every time you say a cuss word"

Cause I guess she wanted me to stop cussing.

I said "Aww fuck" and "Damn" cause Vivica Fox got caught next and then she got shot. I was too emotionally involved in that movie.

So, then she comes towards me, but I kick-pushed the ottoman in front of her, tryna block her from coming towards me to pop me.

I didn't get triggered until she did about the coffee cup spilling on her ottoman from me blocking her. It was an accident. I kicked the ottoman out of reflex. So I rushed to clean it out of fear, cause I could see in her face she was upset, especially by the way she said "That's coffee" after I first pushed it.

It made me feel like a fuckup again. Like as if I was a child again who got whooped for making a mistake in my 25 yr old body. I ran upstairs crying, after holding it in during me cleaning it up. My dad helped me.

I know she didn't mean to make me get triggered like that and feel so irresponsible, like these were the thoughts. Me beating myself up over a coffee spill because mom got upset at me again, for making that mistake and not just letting her hit me.

I would have still ended up crying and having flashbacks anyway.

Hit or no hit.

And Set it Off is a sad movie. Just reminds me of J/A, when Jada Pinkett went all the way by herself with that money, but she was all alone missing her friends. I miss them everyday. I wish it could go back to the way it was before sex.

But sex changes everything. It changed me and who I am, being mistreated and taken advantage of like that. I wish it could go back to before Fairfield. I wish I would have never made the reservation...but what am I fooling....we had fun.

And after reading my old journals, it seemed like I was already on Jay's fishing rod after the 1st day of work together, because I couldn't tell if they were a boy or a girl.

Trickster, you knew girls would be curious about your gender androgyny....you sly dog. Lol.

I really need to lay down though, hopefully it doesn't flare up like that again in my back and my breathing gets worse when I cry that hard.

Especially now that my eyes are puffy, I always hide that she made me cry because I don't wanna hear her say "Oh, you're just being too sensitive" or Dad saying "It was just a joke" being mean to me again because I was born soft, stupid, and weak, and my parents were born smarter, more control of what makes them cry and what doesn't and they can take a hit from their mothers. But I can't and I don't want to.

Nor should I.

You see why I didn't like you Ayunna? Its because you remind me of them, and after Jay moved in with you, they changed to be just like you. You steady kept saying "Oh, I forgot Ky was here" like I was just a fucking ghost, a 3rd wheel that didn't need to be there. But yall steady invited me over for what?

And then y'all would even walk ahead of me and just talk amongst yourselves, not even including me in the conversation, like I was the little kid in the backseat.

Yea, just like at home all over again. And that's why I left. Cause I don't need to be mistreated twice. Once at home, and then when I'm staying the night at y'all apt, y'all do the exact same shit.

I'm not here to be controlled, undermined, forgotten, lost, overstepped, underhanded, and given back-handed compliments.

And don't tell me that I'm being too sensitive, just accept that your words and your actions towards me, hurt me. So don't do it again or I'm gone. Respect me, be nice, don't be a dick, emotionally support me, be there for me, be kind, be sympathetic when you see me in pain, don't tear my self-esteem down even further, when you know I'm struggling, when you know I'm trying to get my own and be the adult, cause I am one.

I'm tired of taking other people's labels. I'm not a little anymore. Jay, I'm not a sub. And I'm not a substitute. I'm not your bdsm, no-title fwb whenever you feel like it. Im not a child, and Ayunna I'm not your 2nd, I'm not your pet. Mom and Dad, I'm not a kid anymore.

And putting me in my place like that to control my mouth, or make me lower myself to take pops, and beatings because you think I deserve it, is not gonna help me grow.

I need to be able to get back up again and ride this shit off to wheels fall off. I shouldn't be afraid to talk to my own mother like that just because she's sensitive to criticism too about how her actions make me feel. How treating me like a child that needs to get taught a lesson, limits me. I can say no to you.

And it's sad that if I was to even say this to you, you would just tell me to leave again. Because you want me to stay a child forever. You don't wanna fight me, but you fear me disrespecting you as my mother. But telling you, "Hey, mom, I'd would appreciate if you didn't try to control me and pop me like you did when I was 12, is not ok. It makes me dumb, stupid, and foolish when you and Dad say 'I have tourettes' because you two have been saying that dumb joke for quite awhile now, and I'm already insecure about my mental health cause I don't know how I function, because I have yet to even afford healthcare insurance to even see a therapist again."

And this is why I don't talk to my parents. Because they want me to just take what they say and what they do, without getting angry because in their mind, "There's no reason, for you to be angry."

Which is actually unhealthy and teaches me to gaslight myself and hide my emotions from people and to lie when they ask me "are you okay?" just because you don't want me to be mad at you. And you don't wanna ever be wrong or take criticism that you need to change how you treat other people, especially your own daughter.

Cause it hurts, I'm not lying that it hurts. I shouldn't have to bury my pain for you. But, I'm not gonna be petty and aim it right back anymore. I learned that from dealing with JA, you don't fight fire with fire. Cause then we both get burned.