#garak turned out too good not to

[its-always-sunny-in-city17]

EEYGHAHKLKHHH!!!!

[unopposablethumbsao3]

A lot of Richard Bashir's bluster and bullshit is an attempt to get people not to look too closely because of they do, they'll see there's nothing to him. In the early seasons especially, we see some of that same tendency towards (more justified) self-aggrandizement in Julian. Julian, who has only a few years ago learned that he's genetically augmented, and who now lives in fear of being discovered, of being revealed as a criminal, a few and a monster. Julian, who is all too familiar with the way Richard's behaviour keeps people at arm's length. Julian who, consciously or not, starts bragging like his father to make sure that no one gets close enough to realise that he's just too good to be true.

Julian, already steeped in self-loathing about what his parents have done to him, already "unnatural," who thinks of himself as the thing that lives in Jules's corpse, now feels like he's turning into his father. And he can't stop. He doesn't even know how, can't imagine how to just... become a different person all of a sudden.

And then Garak comes up to him in the replimat. And he's so taken aback and so out of his depth that he forgets to put that wall up--he doesn't brag or bluster at all. He's not smooth or practiced, he's awkward and a bit weird and very obviously freaking the fuck out and Garak... Garak's still talking to him. Seems absolutely fascinated by him, actually. And that's one of the first reasons they become friends, because in that brief conversation, Garak suddenly became closer to Julian than anybody else on the station, than anybody since before he'd found out what happened on Adigeon Prime.

But it turns out, that one crack in the veneer is exactly what he needed for the whole persona to crumble. He slowly starts being vulnerable and real with Dax, funny and weird with O'Brien. For the first time in his life he has an actual community, and some part of him can't separate Garak from that--Garak started it all, and now, no matter what happens, no matter where he goes, Garak always feels like home to Julian.

And that's why, when all is said and done, when the war is over and most of the station's crew have long since moved on, you'll find Garak and Julian on Cardassia. They're standing in their garden as the soft, warm light of the setting sun turns the ruddy walls of their home crimson, bickering about which vegetables are going in the soup they're making tonight.

[vaguely-concerned]

another really interesting thing in our man bashir to me is that I think this is the point where garak finally mostly relinquishes his self-appointed role as bashir's teacher. he seems to have taken it upon himself early on, for inscrutable but probably partially horny, partially cultivating a promising (and lovely) contact reasons of his own, to imbue julian bashir with some spysmarts and basic bastard thinking literacy skills, in the hopes that he won't go get his bright beautiful excitable ass killed at the first opportunity. there's a lot of mentor/protege undertone there in the early years. (if you want to get into asit stuff, very much in the same vein as palandine and garak's relationship in the beginning.)

but in omb garak really only has one of his little lectures, and it's basically about The thing about being a spy (and a person) that has most shaped his life: That's something else you've yet to learn, Doctor. A real intelligence agent has no ego, no conscience, no remorse. Only a sense of professionalism. There is no joy, no magic, no real delight to this, no winning, no recognition, and most importantly no connection; the reward for work well done is only ever the work itself. You don’t kiss the girl, get the key — you simply get on with turning yourself into nothing as best you can. and julian, who had just been trying to momentarily imagine a world where secrets can be cool and glamorous and for good, meaningful reasons that empower him to help the world rather than shameful and isolating and alienating and like a damocles sword hanging over him and everything he cares about, shoots back with 'well, but what if not that, though? that's the whole point of this game! this is my story not yours, trust me to know it better than you do. (I have more things to teach you too, if you’d just listen. And once he gets shot a little bit, garak does listen.)'

(somewhere beneath all this is almost exactly the same debate they will have explicitly later on -- "Sentiment is the greatest weakness of all"/"If that's true, that's one lesson I never want to learn". Something something the freedom to imagine and play around with different worlds in your head, no matter how cringefail james bond LARP nonsense that world is as long as it brings you hope and joy and new perspectives, kill the part of you that cringes etc. Garak you're allowed to get out of the closet in your head now, Tain is gone, you can imagine different things than what has been and no one will turn it against you. Im… sad)

through most of this episode garak is observing, and when he's not simply bitching about everything from the sidelines (<3), he's tentatively trying to throw in comments to play along, to figure out how the flow goes like he's learning a different language, and he's BAD at it hahaha. he barged in there to put himself in a position to learn something about julian bashir's ~*hidden inner psyche*~, but UH-OH spiritual uno reverse card time he's having to face some shit about his own psyche and the immense barrenness it's been forced to operate under for so long.

The learning between them has of course always been two-way (that’s partially what the whole relationship is built on), but in giving up the more ‘formal’ role — mask — of teacher, garak is also opening up space for realer emotional intimacy, letting one layer of artificiality fall and allowing more realness to shine through. even so he doesn’t let go of control completely until he’s faced with irrefutable (horny) proof that julian’s sentiments and ideals are backed by real conviction — julian knows (possibly better than garak does) what is a game, and what is real, and where he draws the line between frivolous and deeply necessary is different from where garak would and by the end of the ep I think garak trusts julian more, enough to leave the story in julian’s hands without trying to steer or form him even indirectly/sneakily. And to top it all off, the way julian uses his last dramatic speech to signal that he did also listen to what garak told him… augh.  

the teacher role, along with the lies (ever his swiss army knife god bless), has helped garak keep a sort of fine-tuned control of the level of emotional intimacy possible between them, stay in control of what narratives are even on the table. and I think finally letting that fade more into the background transforms their relationship in ways that can pay off big time down the line, for all that it leaves things a bit strange and tentative in the meantime. by garak standards he’s being positively transparent in this episode. for the first time he talks about his time in the order without any coy prevarication, he states his hunger for knowing julian better right down to his ~*hidden inner psyche*~ almost pathetically openly (<3<3<3<3). And this is just my headcanon and definitely not what was meant at the time of airing, the unplanned nature of the augment reveal being what it is, but in context of the whole show as it became it feels a lot like garak offering some of his own authenticity to signal that julian could trust him with his. It feels like garak has figured out at least the rough outlines of what julian has uh got going on and tried to make this gambit, having… perhaps underestimated the extent of the defenses julian has internally/psychologically against Being Known, quite aside from the practical real world consequences of his secret getting out. Anyway. Lots in this episode. Many thoughts.

[catboyelimgarak]

I imagine Garak and Julian undercover somewhere and Julian gets caught but Garak has made good with the enemy. So the enemy to ensure Garak is trustworthy make him go do Julian’s interrogation, and Garak is worried he might break Julian like he’s done to his past targets. And Julian is worried too, but as they sit at the table and Garak pulls his whole “Staring Into Insanity”, Julian isn’t uncomfortable in the usual way it makes targets. He gets legit lost in those blue eyes and it starts to make him uncomfortable in the “Hes Staring So Intensely; His Eyes Are So Lovely; Is He Thinking Of Me? Is He Having Lustful Thoughts Like I Am Now?” Way thats making his burn up. And when Julian finally has to shut his eyes tight and turn his face away, Garak is so worried but keeping his mask up and is just “Doctor?” And when Julian finally opens his eyes, he slowly looks back to Garak, but his eyes are low-lidded and everything is oozing with desire like “yes, I’m fine, no need to worry” And they have some witty heavy lust-deep banter that pisses Garak off (in every way possible that makes the pleasure nerves in his brain go off) and it comes to a high point where Julian lifts his head to bare his neck in invitation and smirks. So Garak abruptly stands and threatens to tear Julian’s jugular out if he continues taunting him, only for Julian to lick his lips in a “I dare you” way, then Garak is grabbing him by the shirt collar to pull him close and dragging him off for “more dangerous techniques”….ya know 👀? It’s how they both survive the interrogation and are in the clear with the enemy to get through the mission

[morns-fevered-dream]

Here to live blog the series finale for Star Trek Lower Decks I can't believe this is the final episode of the show I don't know how to feel that this is the end but due to the current boycott of Paramount+ I'm watching from a pirate cove and spoilers for Star Trek Lower Decks finale

Season 5 Episode 10

First off only 33 minutes?!!?! For a series finale?

Ma'am being in the flashback I wonder if he'll appear this episode

Ah Klingon running into a universal threat and having a ship basically evaporated this has happened a few times huh

DIS Klingons?! Oh my god if any show would be brave enough to do that it'd be LD

Them bring surprised by the captain believing them is funny

Hey Freeman mentioned the T'Pol and multiple Kims as being weird but no Garak and Bashir being married maybe because that's in the main universe too 😉

That new Klingon ship is interesting I love a good kit bash fun seeing a Klingon equivalent

I love the main crew trying to not deal with it

Malor loving human food is top tier

I love a good evil Klingon family I'm afraid

SINGLE NACELLE CALIFORNIA CLASS?!

Awwwwww but I wanted to hear Tendi nerd out :(

Sailing barge in space sweet Kahless

This is so un-Rutherford like

Not the Beluga calling Ma'ah hot

Yipee the power of friendship!

Ransom goated with the sauce?

Did a demi god just use lightning powers to hit another ship? In star trek? I love this show so much

It turned them into that thing Worf turned into in that TNG episode I think

Sovereign, Oberth, Galaxy, Miranda then back to California in like 5 seconds

Splitting in two wow

Malor advice saved the day? Awww hugs

A whole new frontier? Hell yeah

Garak and Bashir spotted!

The meow and Shax tear touched my heart

Starfleet fanny pack?

Captain Ransom...not bad

A very fun episode but I was hoping for a bit more if I'm honest it was the perfect season finale but maybe not the perfect series finale but still fun nonetheless

[searchingforserendipity25]

currently suffering from too-many-ideas disease (let's hope it's curable, the number of growing wips on my DS9 folder does not offer a promising prognosis).

but one of the concepts that's been haunting me is the possibility of kira and bashir spending a far longer time in the mirrorverse. i mean a long time, an year or three even.

an au where gul garak's plan to install kira in place of the intendant, as well as his rather transparent ploy to keep julian (move him to a safe place, lmao) as a bargaining chip to get kira's cooperation on whatever he's plotting.

mostly this would be tied up in their return, without flashbacks, and focused on the possibility of an augment resistance, poking julian bashir into a corner until the claws come off, kira's undercover journey in this new bajor and and julian's new codependent closeness, but --

there is no version of garak who does not desire any useful information he can grab a hold of. his weakness for sentiment and pleasure in dealing harm may vary in a spectrum across the universes, but he is always very curious.

this goes - rather less well than he'd hoped for. his bargaining chip is fierce and arrogant, brash beyond sense and dangerously clever, and more than the usual dim terran cunning.

without any sense of his station at all, quick to speak out of turn, and always, always asking the most impertinent questions, about garak and the alliance and garak and the terran subjugation and garak.

and he is fearless. enough to smile at times in that detestable way, as if he knew his weaknesses and the lines of his thinking already, guessed at his gestures.

as if he found him - the gul, the military man, the oppressor - rather an amusing but generally disappointing repetition of a better original performance.

there is only so much information about the other world he can manage to get out of him with blackmail, threats of violence and coercion. he can only do so much, when kira insists on visiting his hostage often enough to ascertain his well-being.

luckily, terrans are terribly fragile, even if this one is particularly resistant to most persuasion techniques. they all, for one thing, need to eat quite regularly. starvation is a crude tool, but everything ccan be a reward and a punishment is one has the sense for it.

what kind of host would gul garak be, if he did not make certain he ate enough, and well, and in good company?

lunch, conversation, garak's eyes glittering at him over the same steel tables. really, in many ways it is as if julian hasn't left home at all.

[lambic-pentameter]

@sebastianmercier i got u dude

Cirrus and Madala Bashir have been sitting, watching their uncle through the window, for the past 10 minutes at least.

There had been…rumors…among their cousins the cardassian that uncle Julian brought home wasn’t exclusively a friend.

“I don’t see it.” Cirrus said. Cirrus has never been in a romantic relationship (most kids haven’t) and never planned to, so maybe they’re not the best judge.

“I do.” Madala has also never been in a romantic relationship, but many of her friends have (occasionally with each other. Dating in a group got messy very quick).

“They’re just sitting at a table and talking. Does uncle Julian even like men?”

“‘Does uncle Julian like men’ have you even met him before.”

“Look, I don’t know! I don’t pay attention to that stuff.”

“Yeah, you’re too busy playing games on your padd.”

“It’s called coding—” Cirrus is cut off by Madala elbowing them in the torso.

“Ow! What the heck?”

“Look.”

Uncle Julian takes the cardassian’s (His name is Garak, right? Cirrus doesn’t remember) hands into his own, leaning closer to his face.

“Can you hear what they’re saying?” Cirrus whispers, despite the fact they’re behind a window and several meters away.

Madala presses her ear to the window.

“Nope.”

Cirrus sighs. “Darn you, Federation provided reinforced transparent aluminum they give to all Starfleet families.”

“No they don’t.”

“What?”

“No, mom’s just paranoid.”

“But that’s what she told me…”

“You know she doesn’t like uncle Julian being in Starfleet, she’s worried about our safety.”

“I don’t think the Romulans or whatever will care about two random shut-in kids.”

“You’d be surprised. My friend had to move out to Vulcan.”

“Really?”

Madala focuses back on the task at hand, “Maybe we can send Krishen out. She’s young enough to spy and play innocent.”

“Maybe…oh shoot, they’re looking at us!”

The two children duck down from the window, not wanting their intel gathering to be interrupted.

————

“Dear?”

“Yes, Elim?”

“I believe your—what’s it called again? Your ‘niblings’ are trying to spy on us.”

Julian turns to the window Garak had been staring at, and what do you know it, the blur of two children ducking down below the view of the window is what can be seen.

“Rather sloppy work, if I do say so myself. If I wanted to gather intel on family relations I would’ve at least planted a bug.”

“Not everyone had the head of the Obsidian Order for a father, Elim.” Julian says, with a knowing smile.

“I suppose their idea of espionage is a good one, for children raised in a paradise.”

“You think that they’re speculating about our relationship?”

“Oh, certainly. Their uncle, who’s been living out on Deep Space Nine moves to Cardassia, and then comes to visit Earth with a cardassian.That would arouse suspicion in anyone.”

“Huh. I suppose that’s true…hm.”

“What is it, dear?”

“I’ve been wondering about this cardassian myself…”

Julian leans even closer to Garak than he was before, barely a hair separating them.

“Who he is, why he’s here, why he’s so interested in me..”

“Perhaps we should discuss it in your quarters over a book and two Tarkalean teas?”

“I would very much appreciate that.”

Julian gets up first, grazing his hand along Garaks neck and down to his arm, pulling him along to their guest room.

Two shocked faces (which had since reappeared in the window) can be seen.

————

“Oh my gosh.” Cirrus had their hands on the sides of their head.

“Dude.”

“Oh my gosh.”

“DUDE.”

“That’s like. That’s.”

“That’s basically MAKING OUT for cardassians.”

The siblings look at each other.

“We have to tell everyone, right?” Cirrus asks.

“Absolutely.”

[youngpettyqueen]

wrote something unbearably fluffy and I will be posting it on ao3 tomorrow but I wanted to do something a lil different and post it here. this is because I dont have the energy to do the format editing for ao3 rn but I want people to see it right now immediately

garashir, post-canon Cardassia, short and sweet, fluff that will rot your teeth out. enjoy <3

“Elim?” 

Gentle hands resting on his shoulders rouse Garak from a sleep he didn’t even realize he’d fallen into. He jerks awake with a rather undignified snort, more startled than he’d care to admit as he straightens himself up in his chair. Falling asleep at his desk… he really is getting sloppy.

Those hands squeeze his shoulders gently. He would know that touch anywhere.

“Only me, love,” Julian’s voice murmurs, soft and reassuring, “Didn’t mean to startle you.” 

Garak glances back over his shoulder, wincing slightly at the kink that’s developed in his neck from his awkward sleeping position. “You’ll have to forgive me, my dear,” He replies, offering Julian a tired smile, “I seem to have lost track of the time.”

He takes a moment to give Julian a quick once-over, his eyes heavy with sleep but no less sharp. He looks dishevelled, his hair a mess of loose curls and his jaw lined with a shadow of stubble. He doesn’t have any visible injuries, and his uniform is rumpled, but intact. So today was long, but likely not life-threatening. Good. He’d been worried, before he went and passed out.

Julian smiles back at him, a warm expression, though very tired. The lines under his eyes are deep. “I’ll forgive you, if you forgive me for being so late,” He offers, gently rubbing Garak’s shoulders, “Sorry to have kept you waiting. I was drafting requests for more medical equipment, and lost track of time myself.” He explains.

“How could I ever fault you for such a noble endeavour?” Garak asks, leaning back into Julian’s hands, which are doing wonders for what’s become a permanent stiffness in his shoulders, “I’m sure the staff appreciate your efforts.” His doctor has done marvellously, adapting to working in a Cardassian hospital. It took a couple of crisis situations before the rest of the staff finally took him seriously, but he’s managed to find a place for himself with minimal friction, as far as the hospital staff are concerned. Usually a Human would never have been accepted so quickly, but these are desperate times, and they can seldom afford to turn away such a capable pair of hands. 

“They’ll appreciate it when I actually get the equipment,” Julian replies. He works his thumbs into a knot at the base of Garak’s neck, and Garak all but melts against him, a pleased sound rumbling low in his chest, “Dare I ask what you’re doing with Kukalaka?” 

The question snaps Garak out of his pleased little trance. He glances back at his desk and finds that the bear is, in fact, sitting there, a needle still attached to thread hanging loose from his leg, which is half-sewn to his body. “Ah,” He says, now recalling what he was doing before sleep so unceremoniously claimed him, “Yes, that… well, I was rather hoping to surprise you with that tomorrow…” He hums, feeling a flash of annoyance at his plans being thwarted. 

Julian leans over his shoulder, examining his handiwork. “Oh, Elim…” He murmurs, like Garak has just handed him the world, “You wonderful, wonderful man. You really are too good to me.” He wraps his arms loosely around Garak’s neck, rests his weight against him as he presses his warm cheek to the side of his head.

It never ceases to amaze Garak, just how easy it is to make Julian’s day. The smallest acts have him behaving as if Garak has put the suns in the sky just for him. “Hardly,” He refutes, because he could never be too good for the man who reminds him days after day that good exists in this universe simply by existing, “You may have convinced the little ruffian’s mother that you weren’t upset over Kukalaka being torn asunder, but I know you far better than that. I may not understand the significance of the little fellow, but I would be remiss if I allowed him to remain in tatters when I could easily repair him.” He reasons, and it’s an awfully long way to say I hate to see you sad.

“That little ruffian was all of 3 years old,” Julian points out, a smile in his voice, “And teething, might I add, so understandably cranky. But… thank you,” A warm kiss is pressed to Garak’s cheek, an action that turns him into a puddle of bliss and affection, “I would tell you just how much it means to me, but I’m afraid I’m much too tired to adequately express myself.” He kisses Garak’s cheek again, and nuzzles against him.

Garak hums happily, reaching up to rest a hand on Julian’s arm. “Oh, I don’t know,” He muses, rubbing circles into Julian’s arm with his thumb, “I believe I could infer the depths of your gratitude from, say… more kisses.” He suggests, tilting his head so that he can flash Julian a cheeky grin. 

Julian snorts, buries his face in Garak’s neck as laughter shakes his slender shoulders. When he lifts his head again, he has the loveliest smile lines on his rosy-cheeked face, and the lines under his eyes don’t seem quite so deep anymore. 

“You’re incorrigible.” Julian tells him, earnestly and completely affectionate. 

“Yes,” Garak agrees, “And I do believe you love me for it.” 

“Oh, very much,” Julian agrees, leaning in till his nose taps against Garak’s, “It’s one of your most endearing traits.” 

Garak rubs their noses together, a gesture that is indescribably affectionate and also quite silly. “Tell me again about all those endearing traits of mine?” He requests.

“I’m far too tired for that,” Julian replies, his eyes flicking to Garak’s lips, “I think I’d much rather kiss you silly. Is that an acceptable substitute?” He asks. 

Garak doesn’t respond verbally, just angles his head and pushes up to capture Julian’s lips with his. Julian makes a happy little hum as he kisses him back, and his smile as he presses his lips to Garak’s again and again says more about his gratitude and his love than any string of words ever could. 

[ectogeo-rebubbles]

Can I have Siskarak fanfic recs, please? I've only read a few (can't remember too well at 3AM; one on the Defiant comes to mind), and I was surprised by how well the vibe worked!

Oh absolutely. 😈 Fair warning that I’m gonna rec a LOT of my own fics bc I’m shameless like that, but also because I’ve written like 25% of the Siskarak fics that exist. 😂 Of course in addition to my little ramblings, please check all the tags and summaries on these and just read the ones that speak to you! 💖 And now, in no particular order:

so, I lied, I cheated by me - My beloved siskarak novella!! 🥰 It’s an In the Pale Moonlight AU where Sisko and Garak fake an affair to explain why they are meeting together secretly all the time now, so that no one will realize it’s actually bc they’re conspiring to bring the Romulans into the war. It’s a VERY cracky premise, and I then treat the implications of that premise with the utmost severity haha. It’s a big clusterfuck of them making each other worse and ruining each other’s lives but I did aim for a hopeful ending for them and for their healthier relationships (siskasidy and garashir). I’m so proud of it, I have some planted some insane character insights into there that I truly can’t figure out other simpler ways to express/convince people of than by writing them into a complicated angsty porny ITPM-but-way-worse fic.

And Scene by Flazéda (peternurphy) - Obsessed with this one. Sisko and Garak have to go undercover at a sex club, and I am just such a sucked for fake relationship scenarios. I’m also never not thinking about the moment in this fic where Sisko muses internally on how spanking Garak’s ass with a paddle is satisfying in the same way as swinging a baseball bat.

Moonlight Still Casts Shadows by Warpcorps @spocksbeanies - This one is SO HOT. It’s post-ITPM and Sisko is continuing to compromise his morals in delicious, sexy ways to accomplish his goals. 😈 (He’s having sex with Garak to keep him happy and working for him.)

Decadence: In His Service by JA Chapman is soooo good and sooo insane and I want to read approximately 10k more words about the messy, messy scenario described. Siskarak is only a secondary ship, the main one shown is Sloan/Sisko. I don’t particularly buy into it as realistic, but this fic ask all kinds of questions and offers NO answers, and I am driven insane by it every day, I do still recommend. XD

Exaltation by @hellostuffedtiger is another good one involving Sloan and it is much closer to canon than the above hahaha. Sisko and Garak have casual sex, then discuss S31 and Sloan and how to protect Bashir.

going up, going down by me - Crackfic to the max, haha! Garak gives Sisko a blowjob in the turbolift and they get caught.

Plausible Deniability by katiemariie is really interesting and reading it helped kick off my interest in the ship! I do have some small quibbles with it bc I don’t really buy that Garak isn’t interested in Bashir or that Siskarak could actually become a sustainable romantic ship, but oh man other than that the dynamic is great here!

Captain’s Whore by @the-last-dillpickle - Garak pettily making sure everyone knows he’s Sisko’s mistress is just so fun and delightful 😂

partners in crime by anonymous surprise, it was me lmao - A tasty little post-ITPM PWP where Sisko does a bit of introspection about himself and Garak’s effect on him.

you’re a criminal as long as you’re mine by me - This might be the one on the Defiant you’re thinking of. It’s set during Second Skin. I wanted to write a lower stakes, chiller, flirtier Siskarak dynamic here and I really really like how it turned out 🥰

A few more very short fics by me:

me and the devil walking side by side

lying down with dogs

dirty little secret

never loved nobody fully (alternate Siskarak ending) (there’s also a podfic of this drabble by klb and blackglass and horchatapods… I know at least one of you is on tumblr and I can’t remember which rn)

Not super shippy but def have some fun and somewhat charged Sisko and Garak interactions:

Farce of the Prophets by @cardassiangoodreads - This one involves Garak messing with Sisko a little bit haha. It’s got those fake relationship elements I love so dearly 🥰

Dance of Fools by stuffedtiger - More Siskarak fake relationship stuff 😈 They dance 🥰

redacted by me - Garak and Sisko figuring out how to work together when they are both stationed on Starbase 375 at the beginning of s6.

This was so fun to put together, thanks for this ask, I love gushing about my fave siskarak fics 💖

[bijoumikhawal]

En Tremblant

The night before Garak leaves to handle the Cardassian resistance, he meets with Dr. Bashir for a late night drink. Part of a series of Daemon AU fics I've done, suggestive but not really sexual content?

---

He hadn't planned it, really. It would've been easier if he'd just gone to bed, woken up in the morning, and gone.

Among the many lies of Shakespeare was this: parting was such sweet sorrow. There wasn't a sweet thing to be had. Last meetings coil low in your stomach, bitter and flaking, like something burnt. Garak would not be convinced they were alone in this. Through their limited bond, he always felt Itzik's regrets at such times.

They were more tolerable if in the moment, they didn't feel like a last meeting.

His mistake had been going out for a last drink. He was, after all, an indulgent man, and no good insurgent spent too much of his time with a bottle.

As he sat at the bar with his drink, he felt the heat at his back. Only one person dared to get so close to him in such a casual setting.

"Having a late night out, doctor?"

"Something like that." Julian slid into sight next to him, taking another bar stool. Kukalaka leapt onto the counter with a skitter- until an angered croak from Quark's daemon sent her into Julian's lap.

"No hairballs where drinks are served, doctor!" Quark called over his shoulder from where he was engaged in conversation with Morn.

"Hairball..." Kukalaka muttered to herself in an annoyed undertone. "Better hairy than bald."

Julian snorted, running a soothing finger behind her ear, then shifting to more involved scritching.

Julian had already had a few drinks. Loose inhibitions, sloppy jump- Garak thought he could see a slight flush on his face too, and at this distance he certainly smelled the sting of alcohol.

"You know..." Julian looked at him with a slight smile as he rubbed Kukalaka's cheek. "I don't believe I ever took you up on that offer to have a drink in your quarters."

Garak blinked at him, and then the memory stumbled in. His trembling hands, determinedly corking a bottle. Itzik, perched on the doctors shoulder, rubbing his maw against his uniform turtleneck, while the doctor looked at him through his lashes, lips parted in a mask of seductive naivete.

"If this is some strange attempt to get me into the infirmary again, you never will."

Julian's eyes narrowed, deepening his smile. "Why, Garak- I can't believe you'd doubt a student of yours so deeply. Never tell the same lie twice, isn't that right?"

Garak hadn't seen him smile with such pleasure in months.

Naturally, he let Julian lead him out, Itzik gliding along behind. He might've even let himself be led to the infirmary, but that truly wasn't on the doctor's mind tonight.

He poured them each a small amount of floral kanar once they were back in his quarters. It was a sweeter variety than he personally liked, with a soft pink color.

"I've been thinking about something quite a lot lately." Julian said, making Garak pause before setting down the bottle.

"What a delightfully ambiguous statement." Garak said as he turned around, depositing the glass in Dr. Bashir's hand. He took his own seat quickly.

"I've known you had to have touched her since I woke up in the infirmary with that tube down my throat." Julian was lounging, a mirrored posture to what Kukalaka usually adopted.

Garak felt his stomach roil.

He should have stayed in tonight.

"Oh?" He kept his voice casual. "It was necessary to save you both. I didn't think anything of it at the time." That incident- of all things, why that one? He'd rather have Empok Nor brought up.

Julian tilted his head slightly, lifting his glass to his lips.

Garak felt his heartbeat pounding in his temples, his eardrums.

"And after?"

Garak laughed. "I hadn't thought about until you brought it up now." He downed some of his own drink before setting it down. Itzik's feathers rustled behind him.

Julian didn't believe him. Did he think this was his last chance for redress?

Julian's legs shifted, one crossing over the other. "Well, even so. Do you recall the phrase, turnabout is fair play?"

Garak stared. Heart beating louder, louder. Could Julian's enhanced hearing detect it? There was a yard of space between their feet, but he didn't feel it.

Itzik settled down on the armrest. Julian laid his free hand out flat, expectant.

A moment's hesitation, and Itzik hopped into his palm. Julian cupped his hand, fingertips brushing up against the downy feathers of his chest.

Garak gripped the armrests of his own chair tightly. Phantom sensations ghosted under his clothes.

In the low light, Itzik glimmered as though he was a fine ladies comb set with sapphires and rubies.

He'd never been able to disentangle this feeling.

Julian stroked over his feathers reverently, and brought Itzik up to kiss the back of his head.

"You're so beautiful." Julian spoke softly into the feathers, with his eyes fixed on Garak.

In dreams, Garak had seen this. Letting Julian hold Itzik. The gentleness of reality was more frightening than the surreal promises of vivisection.

Both made him feel utterly ruined, the blood thrumming through his ridges. They were surely darkening and flushing blue.

Julian pushed his finger underneath Itzik's closed wing, feeling the underside. Any moment, any moment Garak expected things to turn. But Julian's grip was loose, and Itzik stayed still.

He had never stayed still in Tain's hands.

Garak lurched out of his stillness at the brush of fur against his hand. He looked down to see Kukalaka looking up at him expectantly.

"Touch me." Julian said as his fingers stroked the black collar of feathers on Itzik's neck. He'd set his glass down at some point.

Garak slowly let go of the armrest.

Kukalaka's fur was as soft as he remembered, as hot as he remembered, but, naturally, she was not limp this time. She pushed into his touch, flicking her tail slightly.

He remembered, now, the softness of Julian's voice as he asked where the trigger for his implant was. The way he simply, immediately, told him. The way he had, before that moment, thought about placing it in the doctor's hands, letting him control it; whether everything was sharp or softened, whether he was languidly sprawled out or writhing before him.

He thought now, of Julian holding the trigger in one hand and Itzik in the other.

Kukalaka pressed into his touch more, and, unsatisfied, climbed up into his lap. Garak instinctively pressed against the back of the chair before making himself relax.

Sex was easy. Garak could- and happily did, at one point- fuck a wide variety of people on a regular basis. The coils of emotions churning low in his stomach included arousal, but there were others- others, and memories of course, that made him tremble as though he suddenly were a warm blooded creature, capable of shivering in the cold.

He closed his eyes, hands running over warm fur. Felt Kukalaka purr- a strange echo of something he himself did, though still quite different. Felt her muscles shift under his hands and she rolled to her side.

Garak gasped at a sudden shock in the sensations he felt from his and Itzik's bond.

"Good." Julian said abruptly. Garak opened his eyes just a little, seeing the darkening of the doctor's cheeks. "I want to hear you. Let me hear you."

Itzik in his hands looked utterly dazed.

If this was intense for the two of them, one with a stretched bond and another with a whittled down one, how did it feel for other people?

Was it even as intense for Julian as it was for him?

Dr. Bashir knew he was leaving tomorrow-

"Why now?" Garak's hand stilled, resting on Kukalaka's ribcage.

"Why not?" Dr. Bashir stared at him for a long moment, before leaving his seat. He gently took Garak's chin in hand.

Garak's daemon was still in his hand.

"I will see you again." Dr. Bashir promised. "I will!" he repeated, off Garak's expression. Kukalaka rolled to sit up. The doctor said, in a softer tone, "Think of it like the chocolates."

"A bribe?"

"A good memory. Something to savor while you're away. And yes, I suppose, a bribe." Julian dropped his forehead to touch Garak's, hand tucking Itzik to his chest, to around where his heart was.

Garak rested one hand on the back of Julian's neck. The other settled in Kukalaka's fur once more. He felt Julian's mouth fall open slightly.

This was going to be better than a good memory.

[tokidokifish]

↻FLIP FLOP:send me a scene from one of my fics and I’ll describe or write it from another character’s POV!

for the fic ask game, may I humbly request POV flip of the confession scene in Irises?

(I don't think I've left a comment on that fic of yours, but I adore it. It's so good. everything I've read of yours has been phenomenal❤️❤️)

OUGH thank you, anon!! for the comment, and for the ask. here it is: i hope you enjoy :3c

It’s a shri-tal, of sorts.

Certainly his dear doctor is the only one he’d allow to take it. And in many ways, this is his last, worst secret: that in the end, with all of the blood staining his hands, he had still chosen Julian Bashir over everything else. 

The reaction is a reality Garak had been preparing himself for since—well, probably since he’d coughed up the first perek petal at the realization that Julian would be staying on Cardassia after the bombing; Garak had always known this is how it would end. And, just as he’d predicted: first comes the shock. After that, he knows, will come the sorrow, as Julian realizes how doomed the endeavor was from the start, and then—and this is the part that Garak has been bracing himself for—there will surely be pity. It’s why he’s waited so long: the selfish desire to preserve what they had for as long as possible. 

But instead: “No—no, I don’t understand,” Julian says. He pushes away from the bed to instead pace beside it, shoving a hand into his already messy hair even as he mutters, “Of course there’s the aspect of perception, but how is it possible—”

“Doctor,” Garak tries, more hesitant than he’d like. After all the time he’d spent imagining this situation, this is an unexpected development. 

And then: Julian’s gaze snaps back to him, and Garak’s breath—what little of it he can actually draw—catches in the painful tangle of his chest, because he’s never seen his dear doctor so visibly furious. 

“Garak,” he cries, voice rising. “I’ve been on Cardassia for years. We live together! How in the fucking universe could you not know I love you back?!”

Garak’s eyes go wide. He cannot speak, and in that silence Julian throws his hands up.

“I can’t believe you!” he shouts. “I’ve never been angrier with anyone in my life! You almost let yourself die for me?!”

As if there would be anyone else worth dying for, but that thought is a minor isle of calm in the sea of uncertainty that Garak has found himself in. “My dear—Julian,” Garak says, when he can say anything at all. “You’re serious.”

“Of course I’m serious! Good lord, Garak!” And then, of all impossibilities, Julian is climbing into the biobed. He straddles Garak’s hips, and takes his face into his hands, bowing his head to press his warm, smooth brow to Garak’s chufa, and—it’s very nearly too much to bear, even as Julian keeps talking. “I thought I was going to lose you,” he hisses, “And it turns out it was all my own fault?!”

And now, at last, Garak finds his voice fully, because he cannot allow that to stand. “It was not your fault,” he whispers, pressing a hand to Julian’s cheek. “You did everything in your power to get me to accept treatment—to tell you. You know very well my own obstinance is to blame, along with my inability to conceptualize—”

“If you insinuate you don’t believe me, Garak, I will not be responsible for my actions,” Julian warns. “I may very well stab you.”

Garak would laugh, if he was capable of doing so; as it is, all he can manage is a weak chuckle against—oh. A fairly significant sensation in his chest, actually. He’d not even been aware of it himself, until this moment, but: “Oh, I believe you.” 

Even realizing what’s about to happen, it takes all his willpower to take his hand from Julian’s face and ease the human away. “In fact, I believe I’m going to prove exactly that momentarily,” he adds, with his last vestiges of control, and Julian—of course, Julian understands immediately. His eyes widen, and then he’s scrambling off the bed; Garak would mourn the loss of his warmth, but in the moment, all he can really manage is feeling desperately grateful when a biohazard container is shoved in front of him. 

Perek romances are popular, but they tend to leave this part out; it’s ugly, and painful, and entirely undignified, hacking up the tangle of bloody flowers that had taken up residence in his chest. But Julian stays close, running one warm, broad hand over Garak’s spine, and that, at least, helps.

“It is nice to have proof, at least,” Julian mutters, distantly. “And now I know why you were coughing up Earth flowers as well as Cardassian ones. I’m writing a paper about this, Garak, just you try and stop me. Comparative biogenic botanical manifestation in cross-species Perek Syndrome causation.”

The concept is mortifying, and Garak would allow it a thousand times over—it’s the least his dear, beloved doctor deserves.

[vaguely-concerned]

UNHINGED DISTANT VOICES THOUGHTS (or: now we don't have time to unpack all of that julian but --)

this ep has such a banger concept (several banger concepts that should have had an ep all to themselves, really), even if its overall implementation is pretty mid. the idea that julian seems to readily believe that the most central voices inside him are aggression, fear/suspicion, doubt, confidence/sense of adventure, professionalism... and garak, being surprisingly, seductively good at tennis and taking care of him :}

in a doylist perspective I don't think this is well-crafted enough to read into it too deeply before it starts to fall gently apart, but through a watsonian lens and my fannish heart this is fucking fascinating fdsjka. where. where are all the positive feelings and sides of you that aren't about bickering with garak julian. are you okay julian. I like that since the augment storyline hadn't been conceived of yet at this point, you could look back and justify Julian's surge of confidence at the end as him realizing the lethean hasn't been able to get that deep in his mind to find what that whole mess must look like in his brain. 'you don't understand me half as well as you think you do' gains such depth, basically accidentally

'I'm a part of you, remember? I know what you know. Well... maybe a little more.'

'Still the man of mystery?'

'Oh, you wouldn't have me any other way.'

what. the FUCK fhdskjha. what's more gay, the lethean having picked through bashir's brains for this characterization of garak and their relationship (that Bashir easily buys and depends on through the ep), or him seeing half a minute max of julian and garak having lunch and uh. drawing his own conclusions, apparently. wild stuff)

Isn't this also the first time we see Julian actually play tennis with someone? All the other times it's been racquetball, right? Well well. Interesting. is all I'll say.

avery brooks does SUCH a good job changing his voice in this to match julian's doctor voice, I almost jumped in surprise when he was talking b/c that certainly isn't sisko's voice coming out of sisko's mouth

garak alternatingly going 'now -- what do you want me to do?' in a very... willing directable sort of way and telling julian that he's a good boy doing good and being so supportive and attentive and that's how the lethean tries to keep julian's shields down the longest. many thoughts. few of them PG.

JULIAN'S REASONING THAT THIS REALLY ISN'T GARAK -- NOT EVEN HIS MIND'S VERSION OF GARAK -- IS THAT THIS GARAK ISN'T COMPETENT ENOUGH FSDKJFHKSDJ. and he sounds so petulant about it too. 'the real garak would have this fixed for me a long time ago if I just batted my eyelashes and told him I thought cylon pareg's body of work was very interesting and layered :'( I miss him'

jazdia julian BROtp got me crying in quark's tonight, this was such a good direction to take that relationship. I know they kind of fuck it up again in s7 but y'know I'll take the good stuff while it's here haha

julian makes for such an amazing crotchety old man im love him

julian has a near-lethal stress dream about turning 30 and being bisexual. it's weird but very entertaining, and garak is there

[hollis-art]

Your taste in fics seems amazing. For the life of me I can't find any star trek fanfictions. Care to share some of your favorites? I would love to hear it :3

heck yeah! sure!

I always save the ones I really like right after I read them, but I can't seem to find the DaForge one I was talking about.

The descriptions I will put after the recs are how I described them to remind myself what they were about (I don't think they help though, because I can't remember them that well,,,) Either way, I'm sure the actual description of the fics are better than the ones I put !!

Data/Geordi:

Flowers- by astraa (hauntedpunk) General data is trying to understand his emotions, he grows flowers and he talks to spot

no emotion that's worth having- orcamermaid Teen and Up data is trying to understand his emotions and how love works. geordi is helping (REALLY CUTE)

every dream i have is sweeter- orcamermaid General, Community (TV) crossover TROY AND ABED GEORDI AND DATA AU???? WHAT! ITS SO CUTE SO GOOD HKJDSAHGDSKJGHDSKJ THEMMMMM

Expectation- justabrain General geordi and data's relationship seen by outsiders, very cute, wedding at the end

all the everything that ever was- squilf Teen and Up picard and Q are soulmates, riker was told not to tell anyone about it (he failed) data and la forge are soulmates too !!! in the background but its still there

Garak/Bashir:

pouring just a hint- susiecarter Teen and Up garak always drinks from bashir's cup before giving it to him, and bashir assumed it was just a quirk of his, but it is actually a cardassian sign of love and trust :)

The 50/50 Consensus- TheoMiller General julian notices that garak is lonlier and stuff is too bright for him so that all gets changed :)

Designs and Alterations- AuroraNova, ConceptaDecency Teen and Up garak has been giving julian coupons, it took a while for him to realize that no one else has been getting them

Balloon Buddies- almaasi General garak and bashir get turned into animals, very silly

The Cupid Computer- almaasi Teen and Up bashir is feeling lonely, so he took a quiz that takes up personal information to show you who your best match/soulmate is

Tell Me You Love Me (Or Tell Me a Lie)- almaasi Teen and Up garak gets a message that he's due to be sent home, (to die, literally or symolically) so he tells jullian his deepest secrets as tradition

Quark/Odo:

your accent mixing with mine- spacebubble Teen and Up the universal language translator is down, odo realizes that quark has his accent when pronouncing words. they kiss

More Forsaken Than Usual- NervousAsexual General instead of being stuck in the elevator with lwaxana troi, odo is stuck with quark

Breathe- Paratale General odo is upset, quark helps him learn how to cry

play it again- nepetrel Teen and Up ((this one is better without knowing the twist, but this involves time travel and kissing :) ))

Conflicts with Interest- katiemariie Teen and Up quark and odo bicker. they're in an established relationship, im putting this here because i really like the fluidity they gave to odo

put down your sword and crown- spacebubble Teen and Up quark is drunk so odo tries to figure out why

Spock/Kirk:

Ten Things I (Love) About You- ItinerantAvthor General this is based on a merther fic of the same premise. spock accidently finds a list that kirk made about him, but there is a space torn out of the top. "10 things i ___e about spock". spock thinks that the logical conclusion is that the word is 'hate'. he proceeds to try his best to not do any of the things listed :) this is the fic that got me into star trek, actually

The prominence of a simple word- Exploding_Space General kirk just keeps calling spock 'sweetheart'

Science Blues- museaway Teen and Up mccoy and spock body swap on accident. they don't tell kirk.

Textual Beginnings- iknewaman Teen and Up wrong number fic!!! Academy era!! kirk finds spock's number on the bathroom wall and decides to text it, its really cute

Of Coffee Beans and Green Tea Leaves- Se7en_devils Teen and Up spock goes to a cafe that kirk works at, kirk keeps flirting with him and using words of different dialects to do it because he learned that spock is a language professor. very adorable

Letters From Across the Universe- Starlighter_Varda General spock and kirk are pen pals from across the universe. temporary character death (sorta) cried over this, very good. there's a cat named leonard, love him

Something Smart to Do- kianspo Mature (i don't remember what's mature about it. i don't think it was anything bad, if it was, i wouldn't have saved it, or i would've made a note of it) all of the times kirk and spock are 'married' for a mission. very adorable

Miscommunication- sinestrated Teen and Up kirk gets his brain all goofed up, making him call people by whatever nickname he thinks of them by. he tries to avoid spock, knowing full well the word was going to be something sweet (it was)

Pirates, Spies, and Bedtime Stories- lallyloo General spock and kirk get into a transporter accident that turns them 5 years old. mccoy takes care of them

ok i think that's all of the ones I have written down!! (for now) i hope this helps!! :) they're all ship fics because i honestly find star trek kind of boring if you don't watch it for them,,,

[chewbokachoi]

Write about your ship sharing hot drinks together.

dealer's choice for ship!

Haha...me "I'm not gonna write any cute Cassan/Smoke while I mope" but also me "jk I'm gonna make them adorable af." but also I forgot if you ship Garak/Bashir or not so if it turns out I'm dumb I can do a Special Round 2

Anyway this ended up longer than I expected BUT I DID IT. Thank you for the ask <3

Ship: Cassan x Smoke

Context - the friend in question is Corbin

It was a cold, winter night. Tomáš couldn't deny how surprised he was that there was a place still open at this hour in the middle of nowhere. Cassan, though, didn't seem surprised at all. 

"Seriously, you've never been to a Denny's?" She asked,

"I've heard of them."

"That's not the same as being at one." Cassan said, resting her elbows on the table and arching her right eyebrow. The left one still had a butterfly bandage–he tried to stop worrying about it. The excuse was she needed to see if she could turn the healing off.

"Alright, alright," he said, holding his hands up in mock surrender. "Never been. First time. …At three in the morning," he added. He held off on also adding 'This is what we get after dealing with Kano kidnapping your friend out of prison?' but Tomáš knew better than to bring that up at the moment. And he pulled the thought back, as if handing it to the Enenra to be sure.

A waiter arrived. "Can I get you anything?" He asked–he seemed too young to be working a graveyard shift.

"We'll go for two hot chocolates," Cassan said cheerfully.

"They serve that here?" Tomáš asked, trying to make sense of the garishly colored menu.

"Yup." Cassan said, not bothering to examine the menu. She had already put it back behind the condiments. "Seriously, you've never been to a diner?"

He glanced away, shrugging. "I mean, Johnny took me to a few, but they were, uh…"

"Not like this. Got it." Cassan laced her fingers together and rested her chin on them. "So this means I shouldn't do the 'You come here often' pickup line on you?"

Tomáš couldn't help but laugh despite how tired he was. And disappointed, if he had to be honest–Kano had gotten away. Then again, it wasn't like Cassan wasn't upset either. That was her friend they had taken. 

They were both quite used to pushing aside their upset for the sake of others.

"Isn't it my job to be the one to use cheesy pickup lines?" He asked.

Cassan gave him her innocent, doe-eyed look…which meant she was debating on saying something incredibly inappropriate or not.

Fortunately, before she had the chance to demonstrate her decision, the server arrived with the hot chocolate. The mugs looked like they had been through enough. But by being such a questionable color of beige, they made the already white whip cream look even whiter and brighter.

Cassan seemed happy, which meant it had to be good. He'd never had a bad drink of hot chocolate before. "Thank you," Cassan chirped as the server turned away. She looked back at Tomáš and held up her mug. "To new experiences? Me having a friend kidnapped and you having diner hot chocolate?"

"I'm not sure those are comparable," Tomáš said, picking up his mug.

"Well, from what you've told me about your life…you might find it the same." Cassan said without a hint of judgment or annoyance.

The whip cream tasted fine enough. Tomáš took a sip of the hot chocolate. He paused, his mind processing the expectation vs the reality.

Cassan, Tomáš saw, looked amused. Her mouth was twisted the way it often did when she was trying to not laugh. She raised her eyebrows. "Well?"

Tomáš set the mug down. It wasn't bad it was just…

"Water and chocolate?"

"I mean, nothing wrong with that," he said, used to it. "Just…"

"Not as good as the, well, good stuff?" Cassan said, continuing to sip her drink.

"I'm sure I'll get used to it. Something tells me you'll be dragging me to all the odd corners of this country if nobody stops you." Tomáš said, picking up his mug again. "And I'm not going to stop you," he added with a small smile.

[leohtttbriar]

(saw a post going around exclaiming about the brilliance of some star trek lines i didn't particularly care for (including that dumb odo-democracy line) so to make myself feel better i came up with my own list of favorites that i can now pull from with ease and pretend i'm quoting from something a little more sophisticated than prime-time tv.)

some of my favorite star trek lines/dialogue:

"So much we still do not know. But I am certain of one thing: we are both looking up." Saru

"What if it's smart fungus?" Jadzia Dax

"I saw the sunlight. I can't believe that our caretaker would forbid us to open our eyes and see the sky." Kes

"I can't say for sure, but they desperately want to know others and to be known. They...are the planet." Saru

"It seems we're in a situation now where the rules have changed. And maybe, if we're going to survive out here, we have to start changing, too." Chakotay

"It can only be what it is, not what you want it to be." Michael

Spock: I noticed that about your people, Doctor. You find it easier to understand the death of one than the death of a million. You speak about the objective hardness of the Vulcan heart, yet how little room there seems to be in yours. McCoy: 'Suffer the death of they neighbor,' eh, Spock? You wouldn't wish that on us, would you?

"It's almost like being on the deck of an old sailing ship. Only the stars are not just up in the sky--they're all around us." Sisko

"Your job is to find the truth--not obtain convictions." Odo

"I have nowhere to go back to. The only thing I can do right now...is trust something." Michael

"In Kenya, we have 22 native languages. I found out early that, if I wanted to be understood, it's best to communicate in someone's own tongue. So I learned them." Uhura

"I canceled my death for you. I was really looking forward to it." Terminally ill character to Julian

Julian: I was so arrogant. I thought I could find [a cure] in a week. Dax: Maybe it was arrogant to think that. But it's even more arrogant to think there isn't a cure.

"I object to you. I object to intellect without discipline. I object to power without constructive purpose." Spock

"You treat death like a lover. I think living is lot more attractive." Jadzia

Odo: Every 16 hours, I turn into a liquid. Lwaxana: I can swim.

"As for you, there is one favor I would ask. Live, Jadzia Dax. Live a long, fresh, and wonderful life." Enina

"Let me help. A hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He'll recommend those three words over 'I love you.'" Kirk

"That baby I'm holding in my hands now is the universe itself, and I need to study its face." Sisko

Pike: But we can't see them or detect them in any way. Uhura: I can hear them.

"Vulcans are capable of suppressing certain levels of physical pain. Beyond that, we must simply endure the experience." Tuvok

Julian: I'm sure we'll see each other again. Garak: I'd like to think so. But one can never say. We live in uncertain times.

"Maybe that's the good in seeing my future--that I might remind you that, right up until the very end, life is to be worn gloriously." Pike

[wanderingwriter87]

untitled ficlet

Garak's fingers twitched over the holographic keyboard. There were already two versions of the message in his drafts, both of which now felt unnecessarily combative. He knew he should just leave it alone. They would talk in the morning - Julian's anger burned hot and quick, and he'd be in a better mood by then. 

They had simply gotten off on the wrong foot today. Garak still struggled to judge when he had crossed the line between playful banter and an actual argument, the kind that humans tend to take personally. But no, of course that wasn't entirely it. He'd known from the beginning this was personal. 

What he hadn't expected was to take it so personally himself. 

He regretted it - all of it, even the innocuous things he'd said that led to this. He regretted how, when it turned ugly, he'd let it slip that he had broken into Julian's private comms before to delete messages that he thought better of sending, before they could be seen. 

Of course Julian had always known, had said as much, but the fact that Garak brought it up gave him the opportunity to mention it, with a good bit of pent-up frustration behind it.

Betrayed my trust. 

That was the phrase he used. And certainly he had every right to - and he hadn't intended the visceral reaction from Garak. Of course he didn't. How could he have known?

Certainly, coming from anyone else, Garak likely could have brushed it off. He had before. The Kardasi word for betrayed (which the UT had helpfully chimed in with) certainly got a lot of use, and there was really no reason for him to fixate on the one person in his life who had said it more than anyone else.

And in his mind, his own pathetic response echoed:

I never betrayed you! Not in my heart!

But Julian, of course, didn't know. With his human sensibilities and his Federaji optimism, how could he? He had only met Enabran Tain once (and that was one time too many, quite frankly) and he was never going to understand the complexities of that relationship. What betrayed my trust meant to a man like Tain. What it meant to Garak, dragging him back to the first moment of his exile as surely as a temporal anomaly.

Garak stood up from the console abruptly and walked to the viewport. The little stabs of pain behind his eye, the headache that was probably to blame for his state of mind in the first place, throbbed a little harder.

What he wouldn't give to breathe fresh air tonight.

He imagined explaining it to Julian (horrifying!) and couldn't decide which outcome would be worse - a rush of sympathy, or indifference. After all, the intent of his words was to hurt, and he'd certainly accomplished that.

No, not to hurt. To correct your behavior. That was Mila's voice, and he was biting the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood.

He went back to the console and wrote it all out - not the exact truth, of course, but something like it. Then, line by line, he deleted it all.

Just for good measure, he went in and deleted the other two drafts as well. There was simply no telling what kind of technical glitch this place might experience that would send them off to Julian in six months when all of this would be forgotten.

It occurred to him that maybe Julian wouldn't be apologetic or indifferent, but perhaps offended at the implicit comparison. Of course Julian was nothing like Tain, in anything but perhaps the level of devotion he inspired. But that, too, was better left unsaid.

Garak stood again, locked the console, and went to his bookshelf. He had a few paper books still, precious stowaways from a former life, but most of them were on PADDs and datarods. And now, after years of exchanging literature with Julian, every single one of them bore some memory or association with him. No, there was no escape to be had there.

A game of kotra against the computer - no, in addition to being thoroughly uninspiring, he would only be able to think of Julian across the table frowning in delightful concentration at his pieces.

Somehow the doctor had become entwined with every part of his life, and it was far too late to attempt untangling it - even if he'd wanted to.

He laid down then, on top of the blankets, head flat on the mattress and eyes staring widely at the dull red lights on the ceiling. His head ached. His heart ached. This was the price he paid for letting someone in so close, close enough to really hurt.

For Julian, he'd pay it. Again, and again, and again.