#gagging on it (donut)?

[blood-gulch]

it's that time of the year again

[mgu-h]

Lando Review 73/? • May 2022 • James Corden Takes Over McLaren

[artykeldeo]

me me making a custom remix of a song for an au cross that might not even make it past conceptualization (idc bc i'm cringe)

[hanzajesthanza]

other favorite gags from the video

[mochinomnoms]

unhinged and raunchy

In which your mouth runs faster than your brain and you say something absolutely and horrifically horny by accident. All quote come from this person's tiktok series "might as well"

Third-years x gn!reader

[tw/cw} — highly suggestive, crack, idk just having fun with it i guess

Trey Clover: "If I was a donut I'd be a Boston Cream the way he fills me up with his..."

Poor Trey. He's already not a morning person, but he's wide fucking awake now.

You still look like the sleep hasn't quite left your brain, but it's starting to process what you said in front of Ace at the table.

"Bro, right in front of my scrambled eggs?" He made gagging sound, grabbing his plate and grumbling as he elected to eat outside. "I don't wanna hear about your sex life, gross."

Trey sighed pinching at his noses as he eyed you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders as you sleepily leaned into his side.

"You're still half-asleep, aren't you?"

"Hmm...I...think...mm" You nodded, pressing a kiss to his jaw. "Yeah...cream...in me—"

"Okay let's get you back to bed actually."

"Oooh...gonna make me a dooooonut...creamy donut..."

It takes him a bit longer than usual to go through the rest of his morning routine. You're no where to be found until well into the afternoon, though Ace (unfortunately) has an inkling of where you'd been.

Cater Diamond: "Slow and steady sets the pace but fast and quick lets him get a taste~"

Why are you looking at him like that?? You're the one who opened your mouth!

"Seven help me, what was that?!" He was cackling though, almost sliding off the bench from how much he was in hysterics.

"I DON'T KNOW! SNRK—" You had burst into a fit of laughter, falling off the bench yourself into the sidewalk, covering your face in embarrassment.

"Ooh~ Got your CayCay on the brain, huh? You're lucky no one else's here and that you're such a cutie~"

Both of you were losing it by now, crumpled together in a pile on the ground, clutching at each other's shoulders between fits of laughter.

"Yeah, good thing your cutie's been drinking pomegranate juice and pineapple—"

"Pffpt—stooop!"

"—Cause I'm the only sweet thing you wanna taste~"

"BWAAAHAHAHA—"

Leona Kingscholar: "I call that man my coffee 'cause of the way I guzzle him down in the morning—"

A hand smacked over your mouth, but it didn't change the fact that the poor students sitting across from you looked like they'd just witnessed a murder.

"...A lil salt never hurt nobody." You finished your sentence against Leona's palm, muffled but loud enough to make the others cringe even more.

Leona's tail smacked against your thigh as he let out a grumble, gesturing to the others.

"Out. Now." The lounge was empty in less than 30 seconds, leaving just the two of you in Leona's favorite lounge chair, next to the waterfall.

"And you." Laying back down on the cushion, Leona pulled you with him, an amused smirk on his face. "If you're gonna talk big words, you better make sure it's true. I don't think you had your 'coffee' this morning, hm?"

You grinned back at him, turning to rest your knees over his hips.

"Well, I am thirsty, and if you're offering~"

Vil Schoenheit: "Callin' you face wash with the way you come all over my face—wooooah"

Both you and Vil froze mid-routine, he applying his make up primer and you drying your face with a plush towel.

"...I don't think that would be good for my skin."

"That's the issue with what you said? Nothing else?"

Vil scoffed, tapping the tips of his fingers to spread the product around his face.

You shrugged, folding your towel and placing it on the counter before you come up behind Vil, wrapping your arms around his waist. Nuzzling into his back, he felt you grin against his shoulders.

"Well, I mean, why don't we hold a little experiment real quick and see—"

"Absolutely not now, I have places to be." Vil clicked his tongue at your as you let out a whiny pout. "Now, now dearest. I said not now. I'm more than happy to make you a mess tonight, have patience."

Rook Hunt: "A pogo stick ain't got nothing on me with the way I'm bouncin' on it."

"Oui? Is that so?" Rook looked at you with amusement, though a pretty pink blush was on his cheeks.

You yelped, jumping in your seat, almost falling off the couch, as you glared at your boyfriend behind you.

"How long have you been here listening to me spew shit?"

"As long as you've been singing your desires pour moi, I am particularly fond of the one calling me a blessing between—"

"YOU'VE BEEN HERE AT LEAST AN HOUR?? Dammit Rook, you should be thankful I fucking love your weird ass."

"As am I, mon adorable filou~" Green eyes flitted down your body, the corner of his lips quirking up as he looked back up to meet your own.

"A pogo stick, hmm?"

"Oh, yeah. Go hard and fast just like—" You sighed, rubbing a hand down your face. "I should stop."

"Pourquoi? I find it rather sweet you think such thoughts of me!" Rook leaned in close, a coy smile on his lips.

I'd be more than happy to indugle in them, rien que pour vous!

Idia Shroud: "Call him a remote with the way he makes me louder with just his thumb~"

The clatter of a controller dropping on the ground and the sight of blue flames going pink made you shrink into Idia's bed as he turned in his chair to stare at you.

"Huh, I'll call you back later, 'kay bye." You rapidly hung up, crawling backwards as Idia clambered over to you and on the bed, reaching for your phone.

"WHO YOU WERE YOU TALKING TO? WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM OUR BUSINESS!"

Curling around your phone and pushing him away with your foot on his chest (easily mind you, he was barely resisting), you batted your eyes.

"I didn't mean to. It just came out while gossiping with Cat—"

"YOU'RE TELLING CATER ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE?" Idia shrieked, collapsing on top of you, effectively trapping you to the bed with his weight. "How am I ever going to face him..."

"You don't even talk to him! You actively go out of your way to avoid him. I was just bragging about you..."

Idia mumbled into your chest, making you pause until he popped up and gave you a glare, tips now turning red.

"I'm not gonna help you beat the final boss of your dumb game anymore."

"Idia! Noooo I need you!"

Malleus Draconia: "Call me soil with the way he plows me—oooooh."

Malleus's arms where steadying you as you giggled, tipsy from the wine Lilia had brought out earlier. Evidently, humans are much more susceptible to the effects of fae wine, you didn't even recognize the man holding you.

"No, no, no, no. I don' wanna go with you, I want Mal...to plow...heh." You snorted, tripping over your feet.

"Come now beastie, wait until we're in my chambers." He was both concerned for how quickly you became drunk but also amused from the chatter coming from your mouth.

"I—hmm. Where's Mal?" The two of you managed to get to his room, though you pushed him off you and tripped over to the bed. "MalMal...He can plant his seed in me..."

You planted face down into the bed, still giggling as Malleus carefully moved you under the covers with a soft smile.

"A tempting proposition, perhaps we can discuss in the morning when you're right of mind."

Lilia Vanrouge: "Might as well call me a book the way this man opens me up before bed every night..."

"I'm begging you to stop, please."

"...Flipping my pages…"

"I really don't want to hear your nights with Fa—Lilia. Please."

Silver gave Lilia a pleading look, nodding his head to you. Lilia was covering a smile as he watched you tiredly blink up at the two of them.

The consequences of you staying up for two days to do homework and study for an exam, evidently, were having you say the most amusing things. Especially about Lilia.

"But-but-but, it's true! I gotta speak my truth man." You slurred your words, squeezing your eyes tightly and opening, as if it would help.

"He's soooo good! And-and I just love him so much Silver. Silver. Silver. SILVER!"

Silver tilted his head as far back as possible as you grabbed his shoulders with a wild look in your eye. Again, his eyes begged Lilia to intervene, though said fae was still watching with amusement.

"...I need him carnally."

"Father please."

"Okay, okay. Sweetheart, come 'ere. Let's get you to bed."

You let yourself get led away by Lilia, squinting at him in confusion until you realized who was holding you.

"Lilia! Yaaaay~ I was just talking about you!"

"Yes, and you can talk about me more in my room, alright sweet?"

comments and reblogs appreciated 🩷

[itisindigos]

@chaoticcyprus not the point of the post but hey this sounds familiar

My relationship with cheese is just one big metaphor for aromanticism

[gatorbites-imagines]

Tbh I'd just out one of those donut shaped gags that keep your mouth open (idfk what they are called?) and cross my fingers that sinister mark won't just break it. But I do like to imagine he's into oral like our mark, kinda a cute thing they have in common

Imagine having to make viltrumite proof toys just because of this guy. Because, I feel like he'd break any normal one, on purpose if he has too. If you can't make it yourself then Rudy is gonna get a very specific order in his inbox.

Now I'm visualizing having both sinister mark and normal mark going down on the reader, hmmmm. I still think about the reader just having all the marks as his boyfriends, because what's better then one bad bitch? Many.

[wileys-russo]

Mary earps, “wow I’m surprised your ego isn’t as big as this room!” on England camp

m.earps II ego

"is this really a good idea?" you questioned again with uncertainty, watching the girls all pairing off as the jeering and stabs already begun.

"we gotta let them get all their energy out darlin, or else they run amock all night." millie reminded, messing up your hair as you pushed her away with a huff.

"you two engagin in these juvenile shenanigans?" beth tutted as she popped up on your other side, millies heavily tattooed arm draping across your shoulder as you leaned into her, admittedly having missed having her around quite a bit when she had so much time off from her injury.

"not a chance." you chuckled, the three of you sitting down on one of the workout benches in the gym, workouts done for the day but a large majority of the girls all up for the challenge of a coaster flip tournament.

"what? not even for the missus?" beth teased jabbing at your side as you let out a bark of sarcastic laughter. "oh no she made sure to let me down nice and easy that i'd be best off sitting this one out for uh...what was it mills?" you glanced to the blonde who snickered.

"i believe mary said you had some hand eye coordination challenges which would uh, hinder your ability to compete. and the morally right thing to do to avoid a humiliating loss would be to sit this one out." millie recounted as beth chuckled and leaned her head on your shoulder.

"ahh thats our mary." "she makes everything a competition, you know she's started timing how long it takes me to get ready for bed?"

"nasty nasty girl." millie tutted as you grinned, watching on in mild amusement as grace and ella stood up behind the bar throwing their arms about as they explained the rules.

"course these two donuts are the mc's." beth chuckled as you hummed. "yeah cause they know they'd be rubbish at the actual game." you agreed with a smile.

slowly pairs would be knocked out going head to head, you sending each one a sweet smile of reassurance as they filed out of the gym, some grumbling in annoyance and others seemingly relieved to get out of the small and somewhat crowded stuffy room.

eventually it was down to the final two, alessia and mary up against millie and maya.

"is it bad if i hope she loses? she's going to be insufferable if she wins." you murmered to millie, beth having tossed in the towel and wandered off with leah once her and alex were eliminated in round one.

"the record to beat here is seventeen...can they do it girls!?" grace yelled now stood on top of the bar. "get on with it gracie we're hungry!" millie yelled from beside you sending you into a round of laughter.

"come on!" alessia protested as maya requested a quick strategy planning break, the two pairs breaking off momentarily as ella and grace began to argue over what music was appropriate for the occasion.

"sod this, i'm off kid." millie tugged on your hair pulling it out of its ponytail and racing off before you could retaliate. "you're a big stupid toddler bright!" you yelled after her, huffing as you ducked your head and scraped it up into a bun not bothered to slick it back again.

"victory kiss for the winner?" mary sauntered over with a wiggle of her eyebrows once you had finished, raising an eyebrow as her arms fell either side of you and she leaned in with a charming grin.

"you've not won yet smart ass." you honked her nose with an amused smile as she appeared unfazed. "confidence my girl, thats the key. dream, believe, achieve and i will always be the best in any room." mary winked, puckering her lips expectantly as you fake gagged.

"wow i'm surprised your ego isn't as big as this room. maybe thats why its so stuffy? mary help your confidence is suffocating me!" you pretended to choke, clasping at her shirt with shallow breaths.

"mary!" you laughed mid kiss as she surged forward capturing your lips with her own, ignoring the mocking and wolf whistles from the younger girls behind her.

"what? darling i was just providing aid by giving you mouth to mouth, a very selfless act of me honestly." your girlfriend winked, pecking your lips a few more times as she was demanded to return, your middle finger flipped in the direction of grace and ella's teasings.

"right get on with it then!" you waved for them to hurry, cutting off ella who sent you an annoyed glare as you interrupted her pump up speech, grace quickly stepping in and waving for both pairs to take their turns.

you tuned out momentarily, growing bored of the game as you scrolled through your phone, hearing their squabbling but paying it no mind, only looking back up hearing a familiar groan.

"mary!" you called after your girlfriend, hurrying to your feet as she stormed out of the gym clearly not taking the loss well as millie and maya jumped around celebrating.

you frowned in confusion as you stepped out of the gym not to find a single clue to where the goalkeeper had wandered off to, sticking your head in the cafeteria and frown deepening not spotting her there either.

a few more spaces searched and you were close to giving up, the brunette not in any of the recovery rooms, the rec space, the gardens, games room or the lobby, nobody else any help as they hadn't seen her either.

with one last place in mind you stepped into the elevator, ignoring the grumbling in your stomach and the smell of lunch wafting toward you.

grabbing out the spare key card to her room you swiped it in the door, throwing your hands up as once again that was also empty, trying to call her and your confusion growing as you spotted her phone on the bed but no mary to go with it.

now giving up you returned back downstairs in hopes she would be there too, wolfing down food as you sat squished between alex and millie, only half listening to keira as your eyes remained locked on the doorway.

the moment you'd finished you abruptly stood catching alex off guard who nearly fell off the chair with how quickly you zoomed away, dumping your tray and dishes and heading back upstairs.

over an hour now since you worked out you could feel the sweat dried on your skin and were longing for a hot shower, sending mary a few messages, eyebrows furrowing when they all remained on delivered.

though as you swiped your own key card and stepped inside you softened, catching a familiar looking lump curled up in the middle of your bed under the covers, your girlfriends comfort movie playing on your netflix account on the tv on the wall.

"you better not be under there with your gym clothes still on." you warned, moving to sit on top of her and yanking down the covers revealing a very pouty looking mary staring up at you.

"no i showered." your girlfriend mumbled sure enough dressed in different clothes as you peeked around to your bathroom to see the floor was indeed wet. "hey! would i lie?" you squeaked as her finger sharply pinched your thigh.

"yes you would." you confirmed with a nod and a small smile as she huffed and tugged the cover out of your hands once again burying herself beneath them. "have you been hiding in here the entire time? i was running around like a mad woman trying to find you!" you poked at her feeling her squirm slightly beneath you.

"yeah i have. and where were you then? i needed cuddles woman!" the covers were chucked off her head again as she pushed back slightly to lean on her elbows as you lifted your hips to let her slide her body up more.

"i was busy looking for you! and then eating lunch-" there was an offended gasp that had you rolling your eyes. "-because i couldn't find you and i thought you'd show up." you finished sincerely, mary shaking her head with a scowl.

"choosing food over comforting the love of your life? who are you." mary sighed in disappointment as you rolled your eyes again at her dramatics. "sorry my hand eye coordination challenges prevented me coming to your rescue." you crossed your arms over your chest as marys lips curled up into a somewhat guilty smile.

"have i told you today just how beautiful you are?" you squealed as your back hit the mattress, mary hovering over you with the usual charming smile plastered back on her face.

"no actually you've been too busy insulting me." you reminded as her smile grew. "well how about i make it up to you then." your girlfriend ducked her head, recoiling in shock as her lips made contact with your hand.

"excuse me?" "sorry babe, i don't kiss losers." you pouted mockingly, patting her chest and shuffling backwards out of her grip before rolling off the bed.

"a loser!" mary cried out sitting up bolt right in bed, hand snagging the back of your top. "mary i need to shower!" you groaned as she pulled you back down on the bed.

"i was mocked and humiliated and upset and sad and my own girlfriend calls me a loser and won't kiss me? why do i keep you around again?" mary questioned, arms locked in an iron grip around your waist.

"i'm very nice to look at." you winked, resting your head on her shoulder with a smile. "ahh, yep thats it. just purely around as relief for the old eyes." your girlfriend nodded her agreement, lips ghosting your own.

"old is right." you teased, pushing your head up and finally kissing her, swallowing the retort back which died on her tongue, reaching one hand up to tangle in her hair and pull the two of you even closer together, pulling away with a familiar glint in your eyes that had mary's swollen lips curling into a smirk.

"fancy a second shower earps?"

[basketonthedoorstepofthefbi]

Spencer Reid x Read fic. Reid and Reader are friends, like best friends. Reader is always offering Reid donuts and listening to his fun facts and info dumps. It's one of those, they both like each other, but also are convinced the other doesn't like them.

Spencer is taking care of a slightly drunk reader whose grandmother called and asked why they're not engaged when they're younger sibling is married and expecting a child. At some point Spencer makes his ever classic comment about how it's safer to kiss and drunk reader, before being able to think, kisses Spencer. I hope that made sense.

OOPS I DID EXACTLY THAT

Safer to Kiss (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Word Count: 2899

Warnings: Mentions of food, drinking alcohol, mild cursing, outdated expectations of women, and lots of pining

A/N: Hi I wrote this in 2 hours and was extremely entertained, please enjoy and if you send me a fic request I'll probably do it bc this is my hyperfixation hobby right now and very much keeping the demons at bay xD @bxm-1012 thank you for dropping by my inbox! I am VERY tempted to make a part 2 of this, I hope you enjoy! c:

-----

The whole expiration date thing that women faced was, in your humble opinion, complete and utter bullshit. Here you were, slowly approaching thirty (definitely still told people you were twenty-five, when, in fact, you were actually twenty-eight), and the biological clock was ticking. No, you didn’t want kids. Not right now, anyway. Not when you were only two years into your career as a profiler for the FBI’s prestigious Behavioral Analysis Unit. Not when you still had tons of things to check off your bucket list - go to Europe, visit an independent bookstore in every state, pilot a helicopter. 

And you didn’t buy into that whole ‘once a woman hits thirty, her stock plummets’ crap. Not usually, anyway. 

But Nan’s phone calls always left you questioning your existence. 

Back home in Ohio, your little sister, Kendra, had just announced her pregnancy. Three years younger than you (ironically, the age you told everyone you were), and married to a power plant manager, Kendra was living the dream of a woman from the 1950s. You tried your best not to look down on it, to wish for more for her - but Kendra was happy. She’d always wanted to be a mother, and you couldn’t imagine anyone better suited for the role. There was nothing wrong with wanting to be a wife and a mother, to devoting one’s life to it. You reminded yourself of that every time you spoke to Kendra. You especially reminded yourself of it every time you spoke to Nan. 

That sympathetic tone your grandmother used when she said, “Oh, Button, you’ll find someone eventually, and you’ll be just as happy as Kenny” was like nails on a chalkboard. You resisted the urge to gag into your speakerphone and simultaneously rip your grandmother a new one. You wanted so badly to explain to her that you were perfectly fulfilled with your life. 

You helped lock up bad guys on a weekly basis, you wanted to remind Nan. Your brain was one of few that had been chosen for a task force that caught criminals based on their behavior. It was amazing, working for the BAU, bouncing ideas off of your colleagues, finding a family within this small group of people that spent more than forty hours a week together. 

Nan didn’t see it that way. She wanted you to be just like Kendra. She wanted you to have that white picket fence in the suburbs, with a broad-shouldered husband and two little tykes running at your feet. Domestic bliss just wasn’t in the cards for you, you’d decided. And that was okay.

You were still reeling from your conversation with Nan the night before when you walked in to work on Monday morning. It was Derek who caught the raging RBF first. “Woah, pretty girl. Pump. Your. Brakes.” He said, halting you just as you entered the BAU’s bullpen, holding a hand up to stop you. 

“Good morning to you, too, Derek,” You flashed him a phony grin, and he rolled his eyes. 

“And you’re grumpy this morning… why, exactly?” Derek asked, turning to walk beside you, essentially escorting you to your desk. 

“Because I’m allowed to be?” You proffered, shrugging your shoulders, not really wanting to talk about it with him. You loved Derek - hell, you loved all your coworkers - but he was not the person you wanted to go to with these thoughts. You didn’t really want to talk to anyone about it, actually. You just wanted to ride the cranky train until it came to a complete stop. 

Emily was returning from the kitchenette with a fresh mug of coffee and decided that the conversation concerned her as well. “What’s going on?” she asked. 

“Y/L/N’s wearing her cranky pants this morning,” Derek filled her in. 

“Oh, those so don’t match your blouse, Y/N,” Emily teased, winking at you with a smirk before looking at Derek. “Cut her some slack. No one likes Mondays.” Derek held up his palms defensively. “Alright, alright. Forgive me for being a concerned citizen.” 

“It’s appreciated,” You told Derek genuinely before setting your bag down at your desk. “But unnecessary.” 

It wasn’t until later in the morning, around ten, that anyone bothered you about your obvious bad mood again. This time it was Spencer, the one person you couldn’t possibly be annoyed with. He rolled on his desk chair around the partition that separated your workspaces, holding his hand out expectantly, like he usually did this time of day. 

Without speaking, you opened the bottom drawer of your desk and pulled out the white bag of mini powdered donuts that you always kept in stock. They were your guilty pleasure snack, and one of the first things you and Spencer bonded over when you started at the BAU two years ago. That, and the fact that you were the closest agents in age, was how you got along so well so quickly. Over several cases, varying in degrees of intensity, you and Spencer became really great friends. Best friends, actually. 

There wasn’t anyone else in your life that you trusted more than Spencer Reid. 

You opened the bag of powdered donuts and shook one haphazardly into Spencer’s palm, then grabbed one for yourself. Silently, you cheers-ed your donuts together, and ate them simultaneously, making weird-but-comfortable eye contact as you did. 

“Derek says you’re in a bad mood today,” Spencer pointed out with a teasing smirk on his face. A smirk, and white sugar blanketing his upper lip.

“Derek’s full of shit,” you grinned after swallowing your snack, the smile on your face totally facetious. “I’m extremely happy.” 

“I can tell,” Spencer snickered as you set the powdered donuts back in your snack drawer, closing it with a clank. You watched as he brought both of his legs up into his desk chair, crossing them like a kindergartner. 

The action made your stomach flutter. You’d felt strongly about Spencer for a really long time, probably a year and half, if you had to try and pinpoint it. But there was no use in going down that road with him. For one thing, he was your best friend, and you didn’t want to risk flushing the best relationship in your life down the toilet. For another thing, you knew it was one hundred percent impossible that he could feel the same way. 

“What’d you do this weekend?” Spencer asked, and you could tell by the question that he was trying to discover the source of your poor attitude. 

“Stayed home, caught up on chores,” You said, crossing your knees and leaning back in your seat, your expression telling him that you knew exactly what he was doing. As much fun as playing mind games with Spencer was, you decided to throw him a bone. “Spoke to my grandmother on the phone last night.” 

Spencer nodded understandingly. “Say no more,” he said with a chuckle. “She gave you the whole ‘when are you going to get married’ spiel again?” 

You nodded. “Unfortunately. I usually don’t let it bother me, but for some reason it’s just, like, lurking in the back of my mind today.” You shrugged your shoulders and exhaled through your nose. “What about you?” You asked. 

“What about me?” Spencer arched a brow, and you rolled your eyes playfully. 

“What’d you do this weekend?” 

“Oh,” Spencer began, pursing his lips for a moment, like he was hesitant to tell you. “I actually went on a date.” 

Your stomach flipped. “Oh yeah?” You choked out, forcing a smile. “Who with?” 

“That girl, Lisa, from the coffee shop, the one you told me wouldn’t stop ‘ogling my boy band hair’,” Spencer held up air quotes when he repeated your words from memory.

You recalled the cute barista from the coffee shop just down the highway from Quantico, a popular morning stop for agents on their way to work. You tried to stop the jealousy from turning your blood into fire. “How was it?” You asked, trying to resist the urge to sit on the edge of your seat, trying not to hang on his every word. 

Spencer shrugged his shoulders. “It was okay. She was very nice, but there just wasn’t…” he trailed off, gesticulating as the words failed to come to that supercomputer brain of his. 

“It was like a donut without powdered sugar on it?” You suggested with a small chuckle.

“Yeah,” Spencer agreed, nodding, meeting your eyes and smiling, mildly amused. “Exactly.” 

Spencer went back to his desk a few minutes later, and the rest of the day went on. It was quiet, especially for a day at the BAU. There were, weirdly enough, no open cases right now, so you spent the day catching up on paperwork, which there was always plenty of. 

You caught the elevator about ten minutes after five with Spencer in tow, and you held the door open for him. It was just the two of you as you made the descent from the sixth floor, and Spencer leaned against the back wall. “Plans tonight?” He asked. 

“Not really, no,” You said, shaking your head. “Why, you want to do something?” You asked. 

Spencer nodded. “There’s this landscape and nature photography exhibit at one of the galleries downtown,” he said. “Might be fun. There’s this artist, Milton Harvell, who takes photos of renowned locations around the world but zooms in on an obscure detail and gives the framed photograph to the person who correctly guesses the location.” 

You smiled slowly at that. You loved it when Spencer went off on one of his tangents. You found it completely adorable. “It’s actually quite fascinating,” Spencer went on, an amused tone lining his voice, making it sound lighter. “Kind of like a Where’s Waldo, but in reverse. There was this one photograph he took of the Louvre in Paris, but he zoomed in really tightly on a young boy enjoying an ice cream cone. He even went so far as to edit the photograph to make it look like it was a different time of day. The four thousand and eighth person to view the photograph was the person who guessed the correct location.” Spencer’s head bobbed and he was smiling like an idiot. 

God, you were down bad. 

“Was the four thousand and eighth person… you?” You asked, narrowing your eyes at him scrupulously and allowing a teasing grin to cross your face. 

“The photo’s hanging in my living room,” he confirmed. 

You laughed softly. “Will there be alcohol at this function?” You asked him, and he nodded. 

That was all you needed to hear. 

— — —

You and Spencer went straight to the art gallery from work, sharing a cab rather than bothering with your cars. You immediately bought a glass of red wine, and began to follow him around the gallery. You weren’t an art aficionado, not by any means, but you enjoyed looking at beautiful things, and you especially enjoyed spending time with Spencer that wasn’t hunched over a dead body or trying to map out a killer’s comfort zone. It was a rare occurrence, so you tried to soak it all up as much as possible. 

Plus, your Nan’s words were still lingering in the back of your head. It’ll happen for you someday, Button. Men just don’t find you strong, career types attractive. Maybe you should soften up your look a little. 

You downed your first glass of wine within ten minutes, and caught one of the catering staff passing out champagne almost instantaneously after. The champagne fizzled down your throat as you strolled with Spencer through the art gallery, listening intently as he went on about each piece, rattling off whatever contextual knowledge he had. But you were a little bit biased; you could listen to him list different types of soil and find it interesting. 

After the glass of champagne came another glass of champagne, and by the time you made it to the main exhibit Spencer wanted to see, your cheeks were flushed. It wasn’t that you couldn’t hold your alcohol; rather, it just made you a little bit silly. Your inhibitions were lowered, just like it would affect anyone. But with your arm looped through Spencer’s and your Nan’s nagging message still in the back of your mind, you were perhaps a little more loose than usual. 

As Spencer examined the exhibit, you tapped your foot, unable to keep still, and scanned the open space. Your eyes landed on another patron of the gallery, a conventionally handsome man about your age, and you found yourself unlooping your arm from Spencer’s, subconsciously not wanting to appear taken. 

“Are you gonna go talk to that guy?” Spencer asked, and you snapped your eyes back to his. “Because you can, if you want to. Don’t let me stop you.” 

It was almost like he was daring you to. Spencer’s jaw seemed tense as you examined his expression, the way his gorgeous brown eyes darted from the man and back to you. “You don’t mind?” You asked, arching a brow, almost like a challenge.

Spencer shook his head, his lips pursed. “Not at all. I’ll wait here for you?” 

You nodded, and turned towards the man. There wasn’t any harm in getting a guy’s number, right? Your feelings for Spencer were a lost cause, anyway. Plus, as Nan liked to point out, you weren’t getting any younger. 

The man’s eyes locked on yours and he seemed to understand that you were about to speak with him. He met you halfway, and you shook his hand. “Malcolm Greene,” he introduced himself, and you spouted off your own name in return. “You’re not here with that guy?” He asked, jerking his chin over to Spencer. Your eyes followed Malcolm’s, and you saw Spencer with his body turned towards the photography exhibit, but his head turned to the side, as if he were keeping an eye on you with his peripheral vision. 

“Yeah, I am,” you said, and Malcolm’s head inclined to the side. “I am. I’m here with that guy,” you panicked, suddenly realizing in that moment that you weren’t interested in speaking with Malcolm. No, you had absolutely no interest in spending your time with any other man but Spencer Reid. “I just, uh…” Your cheeks flushed, and you stifled an awkward laugh, anxiously trying to come up with some excuse. “I came over here to tell you that your shoe was united.” 

Your eyes followed Malcolm’s down to his shoes, which were loafers. Laceless loafers. Malcolm’s mouth opened as if to point this out to you, but you managed to stammer words out first. “Ok, well, have a great night, goodbye!” You turned on your heel and marched back over to Spencer, your cheeks red as you reached out for his arm. 

Spencer furrowed his brows down at you as your arm gripped his. “I need another glass of wine,” you confessed. 

Twenty minutes later, after two more glasses of wine and a very watchful eye out for Malcolm, you and Spencer left the art gallery. You were awfully giggly on the cab ride back to your place, cracking puns and humming along to the radio intermittently. Spencer seemed to be amused, but more so concerned with getting you home in one piece. 

As he walked you up the stairs to the door of your apartment building, he was teasing you about your conversation with Malcolm, which you still hadn’t told him completely about. “I still can’t believe you didn’t get his number. You were talking with him for exactly two minutes and twelve seconds. What, in that short of an amount of time, could have turned you off to him so quickly?” He pondered aloud, a playfully mocking tone lining his voice. 

“Listen, I shook his hand! I had my fun!” You exclaimed, bursting into laughter as you leaned against the handrail of the stairs that led up to the door. “Good, clean fun!” 

“You know, the number of pathogens that are passed during a handshake is staggering. It’s actually safer to kiss someone,” Spencer rattled off, and your eyes snapped to meet his. 

You don’t know what took you over. Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was the way the street lamps reflected in the irises of his eyes, or how you stood just a few inches away from him. Maybe it was his stupid tweed blazer, how he looked like a tenured art history professor despite barely being thirty years old. Maybe it was the way he smelled like pine and printer ink, a combination you wouldn’t have ever thought was attractive. 

But when Spencer said that, you stood up on your toes and kissed him. It was slow and innocent at first, until it passed the border into lingering, and Spencer’s hands found your hips, pulling your body closer to his. There was a cool night breeze that filtered through the space between your bodies, and by the time you pulled your lips away from Spencer’s, and slowly opened your eyes, you were completely red in the face and breathless. 

No, that certainly wasn’t the safest choice you could have made.

——

read part 2 here

[edenspoem]

im scared cus this is my first req buttttt.. ellie fucking u w a breeding strap but keep stopping to watch the fake cum ooze out and make her dirty comments 🫣

+bonus ugh it would be so hot if she made u suck it first then gave u a facial!!! or she gets carried away n it gets ALL OVER u (and in u lollll) like back thighs face UGH I NEED TO BE STOPPED

apologies for taking FOREVER but omg ELLIE GIVING YOU A FACIAL. lemme expand on this. MDNI. 𐙚

𐙚 ellie gives you a facial

"yeah–ha? too big for you?" she cooed in that conceited tone, the one she curls and swirls whensoever you can't take her in sheer size, hence now. a tone that ensues to badger you, inflame you, to thrust your throat faster. you bob your head, like all hell you bob with might– shaking fingertips pressing gently into her soft, pliable butt, inching her in further. her silicone cock, it's veiny shaft scrapes in tiny grooves along your gullet walls, puncturing the very depths with a brazen cockhead so feckly– you gag. a series of 'uuaghhs' and 'bhhhmms' that buzz like a bee on her dick ellie could only hope to phantom feel. cold, webby spit is all your taste buds could swill, a bland taste in frothy soaks. her cockhead presses against your inner–most gullet wall– uvula if you want terms, the bulbous mass getting you to gag once more, akin to thrusts and thrusts hence. you spit, detaching your pouty wet buds, "guuhh–ah, ack!" and tightropes of beady sap–like consistency leashes from your lips to your throat, laying like strings of spaghetti over the plush of your bottom lip. ellie giggles with smuggish pique, cooing at you more, "hehe– fuck babe, makin' me wanna fuck your pretty mouth.. ohh~" her brows pinch in rumination of that appealing enigma, to fuck your throat. you raise, throat clearing roughly, "I've been sucking it for minutes now, is it not go–" she cuts you off, large palm swinging around your head to tangle knuckles to knots in your locks, "scuse' me, m'not finished yet–" she slams your caving mouth over her cock, sheathing it wholly, "–that's why." she replies with wit staining that voice. goddess damn it. pump, pump, pump– the more your hair tousled, the harsher her pumps glide. those dauntingly sexy hips you cradle in two measly grasps fuck into your slobbering gob like there's no tomorrow. wetness amalgamates in bubbly drops in the pit of your lap, sweat cakes on your tense forehead, and your gags remain punted back by the force of her cocktip seeking a gushy release in harsh strokes. moans echo, they rattle your skull, flowing much like grunts of bestial nature– grizzling out of her lungs. "unhhh– yeahhh baby, take me in there, take me in– mghhh." it's ruthless, yet ruthlessly hot, not a big feat for ellie though– she has no qualms when it comes to being effortlessly hot. one tightly drawn squeal with grit, and she's cumming– everywhere. no use paying a cell of your mind to focus on the rivers of clear cum that trickle from her engorged pussy lips, because inversely, her stinging grip tugs your head off and slinks over to grab taut hold on her girth, oozing out all that delectable– pearly white serum all over your face. it saults beyond your brow ridge, groups of globs beelining for your chin. snail trails of sticky glue emissions paint you like an abstract canvas, dripping with strings onto your chest and your belly– and your thighs. ergo, everywhere. ellie continues to aim her cock in patterns, purposefully smothering you with her gloopy release– cause fuuck was it lewd to see you glossed like a glazed donut. a stifled, "cummin' all over that pretty face, yeah– take that." gusts through the tight gaps of her teeth, living as the only sound to overrun the squelching of her sleek bulging out of that cocks' tiny little hole. a final bead purls from the hole, diving straight for the tip of your nose. her grasp given, she loosens up, slinking a curved finger over to smear any leftover cum over her cock's size. giggling like a dork, in rasp, "oh god," fakely gasped, "she cum all over you? shit babe–" you scowl in feign at her, pursing brows, "you clearly intended to do that." you snap, to which she replies dumbly, muttering, "mh– noo, just lose control of 'er, fuckin' hot though right?" her thumb presses a dent in the rubbery thickness, slapping the cock down on your coiling lips. you giggle, "really fucking hot." with intentional foxiness pitching your words, thereafter flattening your tongue out for her to slap on– which she does, bouncing her pretty cock on your pretty tongue. ౨ৎ

ellie definitely enjoys this, too much.

will orbly write a fucking u w a breeding strap another day lol. gotta finish this fic!!

[rocktavian]

thinking about the fact that, when dunkin donuts discontinued their cruller in 2003, darby conley – cartoonist of Get Fuzzy – was so upset about it that he drew and published a strip entirely about how sad it was that the cruller was gone

which isnt much of a story on its own. conley wasn't the first newspaper cartoonist to adapt his personal hill-to-die-on into a comic strip, and he wouldn't be the last. but he went on to elevate this vendetta four months later when, apparently deciding he hadn't beaten hard enough on the drum of cruller-induced pathos, he threw a "mourning the cruller" gag into a storyline about the protagonist's brother losing a leg in iraq

which, honestly, at that point i can't help but respect his ability to hold a grudge

[faeyun]

i need to stack donuts on kai’s dick and top it off with a heaping swirl of whipped cream. i need to lick the whipped cream off and watch his fluttered face and then i need to take him completely down my throat. and then i need him to fuck himself with my mouth as i gag around his length.

[isabeauwolf]

Four. Four soulmates. Oh Kamisama no! - Reader x ShiggyOverDabiHawks

Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

💞Chapter 1 - Ignorance is Bliss

You always thought it would be nice to experience anime in real life when you were young, a child even. Then as you grew up, the thought faded. It was too childish and ridiculous. You'd think about that wish and inwardly cringe sooo hard. Who wouldn't want something unexpected to happened out of nowhere, or otherworldly?

Well, maybe not someone who doesn't like surprises.

You suppose that's fair.

Maybe a cute gag here and there, a chance to meet your soulmate or the person connected to your red string of fate.

It sounded nice.

Would save you the heartache, disappointment and skip the drama. Perhaps start you two off on the right track?

Sounded nice and pleasant.

You definitely didn't expect God above or whoever the hell was looking out for you to give you, one, two, three, no…. four possible soul mates! Characters from My Hero Academia to be precise! Three villains and a Hero, no less! Was this god playing a cruel joke on you or something?

Wait. Hold up, let's go back.

To twenty-four hours ago.

❤️❤️❤️

It was your day off and you decided to go to get some errands done. You woke up bright and early, showering, dressing in a cute red and black plaid skirt, white long sleeved sweater, black pantyhoes with rose designs on it and red heels. It was crisp, but not overly chilly or too hot as the fall weather starting to come, multi-colored leaves falling off the trees.

Hot apple cider, pumpkin pie and flavored treats and drinks were everywhere. Your favorite time of year! You couldn't be happier!

You thought your eyes were playing trick with you as you entered the coffee and donuts shop. You saw a familiar spiky black haired man with burnt, patchwork, stapled skin as he carried black coffee and strawberry donuts; he covered his face with his navy raincoat and a black duster mask.

Dabi? You blinked. Nah, it's a cosplayer. You smiled to yourself.

Decided to leave him be and enjoy his breakfast you walked past him.

Oblivious that the Villain's azure blue eyes were following you.

You ordered a warm apple cider with whipped cream and cinnamon coffee cake. It was your treat to yourself after a long week at work. You totally deserved it!

After paying, sitting down to eat and drink your sugary breakfast with a low hum on you lips to yourself and nearly stopping yourself from physically kicking your feet back and forth as you scrolled on your phone. Check messages, emails, socials and your check list as to not get to distracted.

You blink as you finished the last bite of your coffee cake. Were you being watched? You glance around and not noticing anything out of the ordinary, or anyone looking at you, but you still shivered and rubbed your arm, then sipped your drink. God, I hope it's not the caffeine jitters. You never had them, but you had a few friends who did.

Throwing away your trash, double checking for any messes or crumbs, you grabbed a wet wipe from you purse and quickly wiped down the table as you pocketed your phone. What can you say? Old habits died hard from being a waitress in your teens. Nodding with a self satisfied smile you left a tip in the tip jar for the staff and left.

🔥🔥🔥

Dabi sat in the far back of the coffee shop, savoring his breakfast. Periodically checking his phone, he still had no signal which irked him as he scowled underneath his mask. Every once in a while, he would watch you. You had this peaceful and sappy smile on your face. Dare he call it cute? Not that he was going to say it out loud. It was his turn to follow you this morning after birdbrain tailed you yesterday and figured out your routine with one of his annoying feathers.

It had been a week since they were somehow transported from their world and into this one. It was a pain in the ass for keep Shiggy and Overjerk from killing each other, if Hawks had intervened.

His leg bounce in annoyance as he remembered the stupid new worlds match making God's words, "If you all want to go home, then you must make your soul mate fall in love with you and choose one of you four. Simple!"

Great, there lives hung on the balance of some doll. Dabi supposed that you weren't displeasing. There's no way in hell you would accept him, handjob or Toucan bitch. But it wasn't like he wasn't going to lose the competition to the feathered winged chicken. Oh, the over confidant and bright smile the Japan's Number Three Hero and words entered his mind, "Don'tcha worry, fella's I'll win the girl in no time flat! Count on me! I'm Japan's most eligible bachelor after all."

The more Dabi thought about it. The more pissed off and heated he would get before he cooled his temper and reschooled his features, placing his mask of indifference back on. The flame users mood brightened as he finally had access to the shops wifi, he opened his messages and texted the others.

Blue: I'm in and the target's heading towards you germfreak.

Finishing the last of his strawberry donuts and black coffee, he stood, pocketed his phone and left towards his next destination. It was his turn to shake down some losers for cash or pickpocket, whichever he felt like. Didn't care. Unless he turned them into a pile of ash, but the beaked shithead nagged about them keeping a low profile. Jesus fucking Christ, he was worse than a mother hen, nag, nag, nag, bitch, bitch, bitch. He honestly didn't know who the fuck needed to get laid more, Overhoe or Crusty?

Dabi's phone buzzed, he took it out and opened the message, a smug smirk curling as he snickered.

Raven (Bird Bitch): Watch your tone blue flame. Don't getting into too much trouble.

Blue: Yah, yah, I got it. Thanks, mom.

He watched the line of dots appear as the overly huffy yakuza boss was furiously typing away and about to nag him, again.

Raven (Bird Bitch): Just complete your task and hurry back to the base. The meet-up is tomorrow and don't be late.

Dabi can already imagine the feathered Toucan glaring at his phone in his hand now. He's too easy.

Shoving his phone and his hand into his pocket again, he spotted an easy and clearly morning drunken target. Hello, money bags.

Dabi pulled his hood further up, covering his hair and made sure his mask was in place as he stalked towards the unsuspecting victim, his eyes brightening and excitement rushing through his veins.

----- End of Chapter 1 -----

Chapter 2: Unexpected Encounter

Chapter 3: The Matchmaking Goddess meddles

Chapter 4: New Game. Love Game, Start.

Chapter 5: Dance with Devils and a Red Winged Angel

Chapter 6: The Red String

Chapter 7: Fiction meets Reality

Chapter 8: Fives a crowd?

Tag list: @cherry-queens-blog @fanofflames @touyas-wife @redr0sewrites @slayfics @dabislittlemouse @doumadono @wtf-ask-baddie-overhaul @number-2-hero-hawks @meeludrawz @kyiratodoroki @m3gumibear @lucyblue101 @nakiich

I know, I know, I made it shorter than my usual fanfics, but don't worry my lovelies!

[yaoi-enthusiasts]

Choso Kamo ~ My Little Porn Star

Master list here

Your boyfriend admits to watching porn, so you have an idea to help him never wanna watch that cheesy shit again.

18+, MDI, p in v, clit stimulation, blowjob, facefucking, video taping, consensual.

Word Count: ~ 1.3k



“Hey Cho- I’m home!” You call out to your boyfriend. You and Choso’s had been in a relationship for 3 years now. You two had met at a little donut shop at like 5AM on a Sunday. It was love at first sight! He asked for your number within 5 minutes of talking.

“Hey love.” He says softly. Despite Choso’s built stature, and him towering over your short stature, he was so timid in his speech, quiet, well spoken. People would think, because of the tattoos he had all over, he came off scary. The way sometimes when he let his hair down and it covered, part of his face— he just looked unwelcoming.

“How was your day baby?” You say, smooching his cheeks, planting kisses all over his face. He chuckles. “It was fine, tiring. How was yours?” He asks, looking up at you with tired eyes. “Oh my baby, you look so sleepy.” you say pouting your lip. “Yeah I am actually. I think I might get to bed right now.” He says, standing up, kissing your forehead.

Something felt off, he usually didn’t leave so quickly, even when he was tired he would lay on the couch with you, and fall asleep.

“Hey Cho, you okay?” You ask, walking into the shared bedroom. “Hmm? Uh- yeah.” He says avoiding your gaze. Yep, you knew something was definitely off.

“Cho, what’s wrong? You can talk to me.” You smile. “I- look it was an accident…” he starts to say, causing you to worry. “What do you mean baby?” You ask, sitting beside him on the bed. “Okay, listen. I came home, and I was- well, you know- sometimes when a guy, feels- well.” He is stammering. “Choso! Spit it out.” You kind of chuckle. “I watched porn.” He spits out, “I was really pent up since you were on your period last week and weren’t feeling good. And I just, I don’t know. I needed to blow off some steam, and I kept trying to imagine your tits bouncing, but it was hard to visualize it. So I watched some cheesy ass porn. But I feel horrible.” He says covering his face with his palm’s.

“Baby that’s it?” You chuckle, “What- what do you mean that’s it? You’re not mad?” He huffs,

“No baby, I mean I don’t necessarily like my boyfriend watching porn, but I get it. It happens!” You smile, kissing his cheek. “Fuck— I don’t deserve you.” He smiles, kissing you back. You see that dog like energy start to emerge in his eyes. You lean into his ear, and whisper—

“How about we make our own video.” You say with a smirk. “Our-own?” He chokes out. “Yeah, you can video tape me bouncing on you, or to start off, you can tape me sucking you off.” You say, starting to place sloppy kisses on his neck.

“Fuck— yeah. I wanna do—that.” He says panting.

You grab his phone, opening up the camera and switching it to video, “Now you won’t feel the need to watch those cheesy ass fake videos. When you can have the real deal.” You say giving him the phone. You see him press record, and you start unbuttoning his pants, pulling them down to his ankles. He kicks them off to the side. “Mmm- someone’s excited to see me.” You say, pulling his boxers down- caressing his length against your cheek. “Fuck—“ he mutters, you see his hands shaky. “Hold the phone still, don’t you want to save this for next time?” You say, starting to lick the tip of his length. Pressing the tip of your tongue onto the hole of his tip.

“Shit— fuck, that feels good.” He whimpers, you start putting his tip into your mouth, sucking lightly, swirling your tongue around. You start pushing your mouth deeper into him, feeling his cock go into your throat, your gagging. “Fuck yes— choke on it.” He moans, starting to thrust. He’s still recording you, face fucking you. “Wait.” He says, playing the phone upright on the night stand, so the camera can get a clear view from the side of you getting your mouth fucked. He grips you by the back of your head, slamming into your mouth. And finally after a couple thrust, he cums deep down your throat, he pulls out & you’re licking your lips. Catching your breath.

He picks the phone back up, laying on the bed on his back. “Sit on it. Now.” He demands. You loved when he got rough with you. He was usually so sweet and loving in bed, but when his demon side came out, he was ruthless.

“Plant your feet on the mattress, and hold my thighs for support. Hover that pussy over my cock. I want to watch it go in and out.” He says, so you do. He wanted you to hover over his cock, and dip your hips down, to go in and out. He’s recording it all up close. Turning on the flash, so he can see it go in and out, stretching you out. “Fuck- yes you dirty slut.” He groans, starting to rub your clit while you are bouncing on his cock.

“Yes- Choso, just like that.” You’re moaning, feeling the knot in your stomach. You see him place the phone upright against a pillow so it’s perfectly showing your pussy and him fingering you. “Keep those fuckin legs spread. Don’t fuck up my video.” He hisses, starting to thrust into you from below. He’s being absolutely ruthless, destroying your cunt. He was hitting your g spot perfectly, and all while he’s doing so, he’s rubbing your clit.

“CHO-SOOOO. I’m gonna cum baby.” You’re yelling out. “Fuckin’ squirt on this cock baby.” He groans, chasing his release. He’s pounding into you immaculately. And after 4 pumps, you’re squirting all over his cock, and chest. He grabs the camera zooming in, showing the cum dripping down his cock from your cunt, and the way there is a ring at the base of his cock. Still pounding into you, fucking you into overstimulation. He’s grunting, and groaning all in the video, and your moans are filling up the video and room. Finally you drop down into his cock completely, falling onto his chest. “Fuck— cho… that felt amazing.” You’re moaning out.

He had put the camera landscape mode, on the night stand, then flipping you over, fucking you again. “CHO- AGH WAIT!” You moan out in a yelp. He was feral, there was no stopping him.

“Shut the fuck up, and take it.” He hisses, taking your tit into his mouth, sucking and nibbling. Then going and leaving love marks all over your chest and neck. You knew it would be a bitch to cover those up tomorrow, but you didn’t care. He had your legs over his shoulder and had your legs almost pressed against your chest, fucking you into hell. “This pussy is heaven.” he groans, cumming into you. Fucking his cum into you, filling your tummy up.

It went like that for another round, fucking you on your side, then doggy. He was done after doggy, your face was in pure ecstasy. He had flipped you over, and came all over your stomach, and face. Spreading your legs, he grabbed the camera, recording your state. Then switching to the photo mode, snapping a photo of your leg spread, with his cum all over you, while you were sucking your finger that had his cum on it.

“Fuck I should make this my Lock Screen, anytime anyone sees it, they will know how good I fuck you, & how good I got it.” He smirks,

Leaning down, planting a kiss on your lips. He gets up, picking you up bridal style. Taking you to the bath. “You’re so smart baby, that was the best idea.” He says kissing your cheek. “I’m glad you liked it.” You tiredly smile. “You’re gonna have to wash me, I can’t move.” You chuckle.

“Anything for my little porn star.” He laughs smacking your ass.

Like & Reblog ✨🫶🏻 ~ okkkk goodnight

[holylulusworld]

SHG for killers (3) - The second meeting

Summary: 6 men meet up to talk about their problems. They soon realize they need someone to help them solve their problems. This person is you. Whether you like it or not.

Pairing: Steve Kemp x fem!Reader, Lloyd Hansen x fem!Reader, Robert Pronge (Mr. Freezy) x fem!Reader, Andy Barber x fem!Reader, God, the bounty hunter x fem!Reader, Ransom Drysdale x fem!Reader

Warnings: angst, hostage situation, language, kidnapping, plot twist

A/N: Please consider Steve Kemp is not a cannibal in my story. This is an AU. All men are serial killers, killers, or hitmen.

SHG for killers (2) – You (the reader)

Self-help group for killers masterlist

“What do you mean?” Lloyd is in Barber’s face. He growls profanities before pushing the lawyer out of his way. “That’s the woman on your phone. And I can tell, you have a fucking lot of pictures on your phone of her. Even some in her bathtub.”

“She’s not my therapist,” Andy argues while stepping toward you, sitting in the middle of their fucked-up self-help group.

You assisted your boss more than once with groups like these. Usually, they are middle-aged women or men who are unhappy with their mediocre lives.

They nag about their sex life, jobs, and even food only to feel better. Most of them never had real problems or even got close to having problems.

You on the other hand just got kidnapped by a group of crazy guys, and one creep. Andy Barber, a first class creep, second-class lawyer.

“F—er,” you growl behind the gag and glare at Andy. He got you into this shit show, so he can get you out of it. “L—go.”

“No letting go of you, Cupcake,” the guy with the mustache, Lloyd, says. His bruised balls don’t seem to stop him from getting cocky and being an asshole.

“She’s not his therapist, for fuck’s sake,” Robert steps in. “Do you want me to get rid of her? I can make you a good price.”

Whimpering, you try to scramble away from the scary-looking guy. He smirks while getting a gun out.

“What did we say about weapons at our meetings?” Ransom sighed deeply. “Last time, you almost stabbed God’s eye out, only because he wanted to eat the last donut.”

“It was a cronut, but this doesn’t matter now,” Robert brushes Ransom’s comment off. “She won’t be helpful so, we are going to get rid of her, one way or another.”

“Christ, we won’t kill her!” Andy barks now, making you flinch. “How could you kidnap her, Hansen? You see one picture of a woman and decide to go out there and kidnap her? You burned her place down too. Do you honestly believe there won’t be consequences?”

“He’s not wrong,” Kemp brings in. He watches you cower on the ground, feeling a little more excited. “The cops will ask questions. When and where did you take her? Did you check for cameras? What about her home? Did anyone see you?”

Lloyd turns toward the doctor like in slow motion. He growls his name before tackling him to the ground. You giggle when they start to wrestle because it seems tackling people to the ground is Lloyd’s thing.

“What’s so funny?” Ransom grunts. He sneaked closer to you to poke your arm. “They are going to kill you.” The bastard in a baby-blue sweater says. He looks familiar, but you can’t remember where you have seen his face before.

“Ransom, leave her alone,” Andy finally steps toward you. He grabs you by your waist to haul you up, making you groan. “Whatever happened here, is not my fault. I want you to know that.”

“Cr—p,” you grunt behind the gag. The men stop fighting as Andy helps you sit on one of the chairs.

“HANDS OF BARBER!” Lloyd is back on his feet to push Andy away from you. He removed the gag, hoping you’ll forgive him if he brings you somewhere safe.

“SHUT UP, HANSEN! Andy bites back. “You can’t even kidnap the right woman. No wonder you had to find a self-help group. You get nothing done on your own.”

“Oh yeah?” Lloyd cocks his head and flips Andy the bird. “Please enlighten me, Mr. Barber. How are you going to help me?”

“I will delete the footage,” Andy begins. “I bet you waited for her at the underground car park. Did you check on the cameras at her apartment complex or the one on the other side of the street?” He chortles when Lloyd blanches. “I guess not. Good thing the boring lawyer is here to take care of your ass, isn’t it.”

Andy pats Lloyd’s cheek, earning a growl from the man kidnapping you. “Get your fucking hands off me, Barber.”

“What are we going to do now?” God finally asks. He glances at you, humming as you size him up. “She’s pretty, and I like her hair. Can we keep her?”

“We are not going to keep her,” Pronge and Kemp grunt in unison.

“I wouldn’t mind eating a cookie of her coochie,” Ransom eyes you like his latest meal. “I bet she makes naughty noises when getting tongue fucked.”

“Fuck off, Drysdale,” Lloyd is in the arrogant-looking man’s face. He pushes him around, roughing him up a little until the man raises his hands in surrender. “That’s my Cupcake, and I’ll eat it.”

“No one will eat shit,” you finally found your voice. “You sick weirdos will bring me back home, or I’ll scream until your ears are bleeding. And believe me, I can get on your nerves so much that you will lose your mind.”

Andy grins. Your temper and cockiness were the reason he got obsessed with you. “Y/N, they are not as nice as I am. How about you do not threaten a room full of killers.”

“Losers,” you huff and glare at Andy. “You better not think I do not know about all of your little problems.” You drop your eyes to his crotch. “How long since you had an erection? Months, years?”

Ransom is having a blast watching you dismantle Andy. He’s munching cookies, chuckling now and then as you throw insults at the lawyer.

“I saw you snap pictures of me more than once, you fucking creep.” You curl your upper lip.

“I was bored and,” Andy sighs deeply. “It was wrong of me to take pictures of you, that’s true but…” He looks away and fakes a whimper. “You were the first woman I was interested in since my wife died.”

“Man, you are using your dead wife to get laid,” Kemp snorts. “That’s a new low, Barber, even for you.”

“Says the guy fucking his dead partner’s wife,” Andy snaps at Steve. “Who is a creep here? Don’t think we do not know it was you killing him.”

“Everyone knows you have a tiny wiener in your pants,” God throws in, not looking at one of the other men in the room.

“What?” They suddenly all say.

It’s seconds later that they all start to argue. Punches get thrown, and they start to scream at each other.

“Guys…” You roll your eyes as they won’t stop arguing. “GUYS!”

They stop fighting each other to look at you. You cock your head to look at Lloyd. “I’m not his therapist but I studied psychology. I just never graduated. I could try to help you with your…problems, though.”

[choco-pudding]

The Vampire Dies in No Time Volume 3, Toranoana Purchase Bonus 4P Leaflet.

Read text from right to left, do not repost.

(Translations by @lavoszero and myself. Edits and typesetting by myself)

Plain text below

p. 1

A weakling vampire & a hunter living together gag manga!!

p. 2 Idiots

Ronaldo: "Hey, just askin', but do girls grow armpit hair, too?" Kameya: "Huh? Are you stupid or something?" Handa: "My mom doesn't grow any!!" Kameya: "Uh-huh, 'course she doesn't."

Ronaldo: "Right, right, 'course they don't grow any, I was stupid to think they did." Kameya: "Are you a virgin or something?" Handa: "Yeah, Ronaldo! You Virgin! Stupid Head! Caterpillar! Spring onion!" Kameya: "Spring onion?"

Ronaldo: "A vi… shut up, so are you two!" Kameya: "Yeah, but you're like, a mega virgin." Handa: "I'm way better at virgin than you" Kameya: "How can you be better??"

p. 3 Idiots 2

Ronaldo: "Which donut shape do you guys think is the sexiest?" Renji Kameya: "A french cruller, just look how obscene it is." Ronaldo: "Really!? But look how sexy the squish on these ones are." Handa: "Churros! Since my mom loves them."

Ronaldo: "Dude, you think your mom likes donuts for pervs?"

Ronaldo: "Wait! I'm sorry!! I didn't mean it like that, Handa!" Kameya: "Chill out, Handa, not in the store!! Ronaldo: "Waaaaa, Handaaaaaaaaa"

p. 4

[A possible scenario given their ages.] [Algebra II] [The End]