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demfeeeels · 9 years ago

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So Why...?

Sooo I’m absolutely in love with @bakapandy‘s lovechildren AU (check out her blog @futurefishbabies 0.0), and I couldn’t decided whether I shipped Sakurai and Umiko or Sakurai and Takumi, and…this thing happened somehow.

(i’m so sorry Takumi omg he doesn’t deserve this)

“Hah! Told you I’d win, Suckerai!”

“I…I’ll beat you next time!”

“Sure, Suckerai, sure.”

“Stop with that already!”

Takumi was sitting at the opposite side of the pool, but Sakurai and Umiko were probably loud enough for everyone at the Samezuka pool to hear. Not that many people were still at the pool, though. Their joint practice had finished about half-an-hour ago, but in typical Umiko-Sakurai fashion, the two of them would keep racing each other until the manager had to kick them out.

Takumi watched as they positioned themselves at the starting blocks yet again, diving in at Koutaro’s call. Sure, their interactions were pretty much the same as they’d been ever since Takumi could remember, but somehow…in the past few months, there was something different between Umiko and Sakurai. At first he thought he’d been imagining it (maybe the crush he’d had on Sakurai since middle school was messing with his head after all these years), but when he’d seen his dads giving each other that knowing smile after Sakurai and Umiko had tied in a meet about a month ago, he knew it wasn’t just him.

And soon, everyone had seemed to be catching on to it. He’d seen Rin and Sousuke nudging each other and grinning when they were around Umiko and Sakurai, Tomoyo had bounced up to him once and exclaimed “aren’t they cute?!” It was clear that they liked each other, even though neither had confessed (yet). And honestly…Takumi tried to feel happy about it, like everyone else. After all, his romance-clueless sister who still gagged at the kissing scenes in romance movies, liking someone? And that person being her best friend, of all people, and liking her back? Takumi should have felt overjoyed.

But instead, Takumi felt this…knot tightening in his stomach every time he saw them together, something that was a cross between sadness and jealousy and dismay. He hated himself for feeling that way, but he just couldn’t help it. Ever since they were little kids, Sakurai’s attention had always been on Umiko. “Daddy, I want to go to Umiko’s house” and “papa, I want to race Umiko!” were especially common. It hadn’t mattered that much to Takumi as a child, but when they’d started middle school…

Well, he’d always had this sense of admiration for Sakurai, for his ability to stand up to anyone, to not let anything that anyone said get to him, but that year those feeling had grown into something else. This…jumpy, fluttery feeling when Sakurai was standing beside him, or how his heart started speeding up to a maximum whenever they made eye contact.

Though those feelings had calmed down a bit over the years (back in middle school, he could barely even speak to Sakurai), they’d come back at full force when he started to see the little change in Umiko and Sakurai’s relationship. How they’d stand just a little bit closer to each other now, or how their hands would stay touching for a few extra seconds when they high-fived. Honestly, why hadn’t he seen it coming? They’d been so close as kids, and they’d only gotten closer as they grew older. So why…why couldn’t Takumi just accept it and move on? It wasn’t like Sakurai would suddenly start paying attention to him after all these years.

Takumi let out a little sigh, swinging his legs in the water. He always seemed to be thinking about the same thing these days. At the other end of the pool, Sakurai and Umiko were laughing about something, Umiko playfully punching Sakurai’s shoulder.

And this tiny, spiteful part in Takumi’s heart (which he was very ashamed of, to be honest) hoped that maybe, maybe neither of them would confess to each other, that their relationship wouldn’t evolve past this.

And maybe an even smaller part of him hoped that Sakurai would look in his direction more often.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Takumi could tell something was up from the second Umiko came home from swim practice. It had been a joint practice with Samezuka at their school, but Takumi had skipped it to study for their upcoming exams (…or at least that was half of the reason). Umiko was positively radiant, grinning from ear to ear as she practically skipped to her room.

Takumi felt that same knot twisting in his stomach, tighter than it had ever been before. A feeling of dread that had been at the back of his mind was suddenly taking over, and-

No. Takumi shook his head, closing the refrigerator door with a little bit more force than necessary. Umiko could’ve been happy about anything. Maybe she’d reached a new personal best at swim practice or something. Yeah…that was probably it.

(Sometimes he hated how well he could read his twin sister.)

“You’re being cheerful today, Umiko.”

Umiko looked up at from her place to look at their dad, still grinning. “Aren’t I always?”

“…Not really.”

Makoto laughed. “Dad has a point, though. Did something happen?”

Umiko shoved a spoonful of rice into her mouth, clearly trying to fight down her smile. “Not really, papa…”

And Takumi was sitting there across from Umiko at the table, silently praying that their conversation would stop there and they’d go back to eating, or someone would bring up another topic. Just…anything but this. But with his luck, that was far too much to ask for.

“Are you really sure, Umiko?” Makoto asked, tilting his head slightly and smiling that smile, the one he knew that Umiko or their dad or anyone would give into.

Umiko was back to full-on grinning now, and Takumi could tell that she was probably fighting back the urge to bounce up and down in her seat. She took a deep breath, setting her spoon down.

“Okay, fine. Sakurai asked me out at practice today!”

…There it is.

Takumi had known that this was going to happen, but…somehow the mackerel and rice in his mouth had no taste, feeling too heavy on his tongue. His dads were smiling at each other, and then at Umiko, and Takumi could vaguely hear them congratulating her, but it sounded like they were all at the other side of a tunnel. A very, very long tunnel.

He started down at his food, his vision starting to blur. He’d known this was coming, everyone had known, so why…? Why wasn’t he congratulating his sister too? She’d always been supportive of Takumi in everything he’d done, sharing his happiness whenever he felt it. Like when Takumi had been first place at regionals, or when he’d passed English class with all A’s.

Maybe he was just a terrible person. A terrible, selfish person who couldn’t be happy for his sister because he was jealous of her.

“Takumi?”

Takumi’s head snapped up, realizing that his dad was looking at him, his eyes posing a question. Makoto had gone over to hug Umiko, who was fake-grumbling about how “it’s not a big deal, papa!” while hugging him back.

“I- I’m not feeling very well, I guess…” he stammered, avoiding his dad’s gaze and trying for a smile. Haru looked anything but convinced.

Makoto and Umiko turned around, their smiles turning into looks of concern. The room was suddenly too quiet, the liveliness from a few minutes ago dying down.

…Takumi felt like throwing up.

“I…I’m going to go…” he mumbled, getting up with so abruptly that his chair almost tipped over. He started to walk (he was practically jogging, actually) to his room.

“Takumi? Are you okay?”

Takumi didn’t bother answering, closing the door and locking it before finally letting the tears slip down his face. What was wrong with him? First he couldn’t be happy for his sister, and then he’d ruined her moment with their dads, turning the attention to himself and probably worrying everyone sick. He hadn’t even put his plate away before running to his room like a little girl.

He let out a choked sob, quickly muffling it with his forearm so that his family wouldn’t hear him. They didn’t deserve to be worried over him, after all. He was terrible, jealous and attention-hogging. He didn’t deserve anyone’s concern.

He switched off the lights and slipped into his bed, tears falling faster and harder than ever. He could hear his dads talking outside in the living room, their tones hushed. He couldn’t hear Umiko, though. Maybe she’d gone back to her room…?

“Takumi-chaaan!”

Sakurai was crying again, which wasn’t very surprising to Takumi. He was sitting at the bleachers with his daddy and papa as Sakurai ran up to him.

“What is it, Sakura-chan?” He asked patiently. Though Takumi already knew that he was crying because Umiko had beaten him, and it was his first “official tournament”, as Sakurai had proudly called it. Takumi had thought that it was a considerably big word, considering the fact that they were only six-years-old. He waited until Sakurai had calmed down enough to talk properly.

“I can’t beat Umiko at all!” Sakurai heaved, starting to sob all over again. “Even though I train and train, she’s just so fast.”

Takumi paused for a second, and then moved closer to Sakurai to wrap his arms around his shoulders.

“It’s okay, you’re really fast too,” he said, rubbing Sakurai’s back. “You’ll win next time.”

Sakurai didn’t say anything, simply resting his head on Takumi’s shoulder and hugging him back.

Takumi smiled as he felt Sakurai’s breathing start to go back to normal.

Takumi let out another sob, this time muffled with his pillow. It wasn’t fair. He’d do anything to go back to being six-years-old, innocent and carefree and being able to hug and calm down a crying Sakurai. Or better yet, he’d do anything to be Umiko. She was outgoing and fun and attracted everyone’s attention, and even though she was sarcastic and snarky sometimes, she was a great person with a huge heart. Really unlike Takumi at the moment.

Anyway, Sakurai is better off with Umiko, Takumi thought, wiping his face with the back of his hand. They were always bringing out the best in each other, especially when it came to swimming. Anyone could see how ridiculously happy they were when they were in each other’s presence, even if they were bickering and competing over stupid things more than half of the time.

Maybe someday Takumi would be happy for them. Maybe someday his ridiculous, aimless feelings for Sakurai would finally die down. But as he curled himself up into a ball under the covers, his tears refusing to give it a rest, he knew that day probably wouldn’t be anytime soon.

#bakapandy #futurefishbabies #makoharu #writing

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demfeeeels · 9 years ago

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Why Does It Even Matter?

All I wanted to do was write Takumi working at the Nanase household bakery, but…it’s 5 AM and here I am with 3K words of Takumi angst, as it happens :’D I need to give this poor kid a break.

(Sequel to So Why…?)

Takumi and Umiko are @bakapandy‘s characters, and you should definitely check out her blog, @futurefishbabies! ^^

“Takumi-chaaan!”

Startled, Takumi turned around, only to see Sakurai barreling towards him, arms outstretched.

"Saku- uff.“ Takumi let out a laugh as Sakurai gave him a quick hug, then wrapped an arm around his shoulders and proceeded to walk with him. “What’s up with you, Sakurai?”

Sakurai laughed, a sound that filled Takumi’s chest with warmth. “I just haven’t seen you for a while! And here I happen to run into you, so…”

Takumi’s chest felt even warmer now, the feeling creeping to his stomach too. He wasn’t sure why, though. He was probably just happy that Sakurai had noticed that they hadn’t talked in a while. That was rare, after all.

“So -” Sakurai started, before:

“Oi! Sakurai!"

Sakurai grinned, an instantaneous reaction to hearing that voice. He spun around, letting go of Takumi.

"Umiko!"

"Looks like you got a head-start today, Suckerai.” She broke into a run, passing them. “You’re still gonna lose, though!”

Still grinning, Sakurai started running after her.

“You wish, Umiko!"

He turned around, giving Takumi a quick wave. "Later, Takumi!”

“Y-Yeah…”

Takumi groaned, turning over and pulling the covers higher over himself. His head hurt, his eyes felt heavy, and there was this… weight in his chest that he couldn’t quite describe. What time was it, anyway…?

He somehow managed to open his eyes and glance at his alarm clock. 4:50 AM. Why was he awake? And what was this… gnawing feeling in his chest? And in his stomach?

… Oh.

Takumi sighed, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. Not this feeling again. He’d been so distracted by studying and schoolwork for the past few weeks that he’d thought he’d finally gotten rid of that feeling, that spite and sadness he felt when he saw Umiko and Sakurai together, or even when he just thought about them together.

But of course not. Now that it was New Year’s break and school was out, here it was again, as strong and fresh as ever.

Takumi pulled himself out of bed, suddenly no longer tired. If anything, he felt restless, almost irritated. He needed to find something to do.

He looked at the clock again. 4:54 AM. There was still more than an hour left before his dad opened the bakery, but why not do him a favor?

It was cold, even more so than it usually was in late December. Takumi increased his pace, tightening his coat around himself. His nose was so cold that he couldn’t feel it anymore, and his breath was quite clearly visible in white puffs every time he exhaled. It was quiet, and the streets were completely deserted. The birds weren’t even awake yet.

Takumi walked even faster, trying to keep his mind as vacant as possible. The bakery wasn’t that far, just a few streets away from their house. It always took exactly ten minutes to get there, but it seemed like much longer today.

He was practically jogging at this point, but Takumi still couldn’t shake off that irritation he was feeling. Why was he feeling like this now, when he’d been able to block all of it out for weeks?

Well, the fact that Umiko had invited Sakurai over yesterday when their dads were out, and Takumi had walked in on them cuddling in front of the fireplace, giggling and holding hands, could have contributed to it, but he was trying not to think about that.

When he finally reached the bakery, he unlocked the backdoor and went to the kitchen. He almost expected to be welcomed by the warmth of the ovens and the smell of freshly-baked goods, like he always was, but of course that wasn’t the case. The kitchen was freezing, all the lights off and everything put in its place, making it look almost uninviting. Takumi almost turned around and went home.

Instead, he sighed and walked over to the ovens, switching them on one by one. There, now it’ll warm up in no time, Takumi thought, rolling his sleeves up.

He got the plastic-covered mixing bowls full of various kinds of cookie dough from the fridge and set them on the counter, then got the baking trays and set them there too. It was already getting pretty warm, so Takumi pulled off his coat and scarf and hung them on the coat hanger. He got his apron (the blue one with the three orange fish on it) and threw it on, tying it around his waist.

He lowered the ovens’ temperatures and went over to the sink to wash his hands, then proceeded to knead out the cookie dough to soften it up.

After placing parchment paper on all of the trays, he started to roll the cookie dough into neat little balls, placing each one onto the tray when he was done. It was nice rolling out cookie dough, a peaceful, rhythmic feeling after you got used to it. Takumi didn’t even need to look at his hands after a while.

He looked up, glancing around the walls of the bakery. There was the bakery’s certification certificate and a few awards, but mostly a lot of framed photographs. There were some of when his dads had still been in high school, and some of them had Takumi and Umiko in them too. One particular one caught Takumi’s eye, of them when they were five years old. They’d spent the day at the beach with Sakurai and his dads, and in the picture, Sakurai and Umiko were standing in front of the sea, grinning and holding hands.

Takumi looked down at his hands, realizing that he’d accidentally squeezed the cookie dough ball he was holding too hard.

There’s no need to get angry about it, they were five, he told himself, reshaping the cookie dough and trying to roll it out again. But no matter how many times he tried, the ball didn’t look right, too out of shape compared to the other ones on the tray. Frustrated, he gave up, tossing the deformed ball back into the bowl and squashing it with the heel of his hand.

He pulled the plastic-wrap off of another bowl (oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough this time) and tried to clear his head. There was nothing to be upset about. So what if Umiko and Sakurai were dating? They’d been together for three months now, so why did it even matter? It was nothing new.

With way more force than necessary, Takumi grabbed some cookie dough from the bowl and started rolling it into a ball, then squashing it and trying again when it didn’t come out right. Then again, and again. After a few minutes, he gave up, throwing the cookie dough back into the bowl with an irritated growl.

You know what? Forget the cookies. He wrapped the plastic back over the bowl and pushed it aside. He’d bake the cinnamon rolls instead. Since he and his dad pre-made them the night before, all he had to do was stick them into the oven. There was no way he could mess that up.

He walked over to the fridge and opened it, pulling out the trays of cinnamon rolls and roughly pulling the plastic-wrap off of them. He decreased the temperature of the oven and put the cinnamon rolls inside, practically slamming the oven door shut afterwards.

See? That was easy enough, he told himself, wiping his hands on his apron and walking to the sink. So easy even Umiko could do it. Umiko had never really been much of the baker, always kneading or stirring too aggressive or burning herself or something or the other.

Takumi smiled, but he felt more spiteful than anything. That didn’t matter, of course. Umiko had always been the better swimmer, and that was always what had pulled Sakurai in. Sakurai didn’t care about the fact that Takumi could bake, or probably about Takumi in general.

Takumi groaned, putting his face in his hands. What was he doing? It wasn’t even six in the morning yet, but here he was, being bitter and jealous and a generally crappy person. He really needed to do something about this.

“Takumi?”

Takumi spun around, lifting his head so abruptly that he thought his neck almost snapped.

“U-Umiko? What…what are you doing here?”

Umiko scowled, crossing her arms over her chest. Her hair was a mess, all flat on one side, and it was clear from her eyes that she’d just woken up.

“I was just gonna ask you the same thing.” She glanced at the clock, then back at Takumi. “It’s 5:31 AM. Why are you even awake?

"Um…” Takumi fiddled with the hem of his apron, trying to think of something to say. What could he say, though? That he’d woken up feeling bitter and decided to come here to distract himself, though it clearly wasn’t working?

“Papa was worried, you know?” Umiko continued, narrowing her eyes. “Said he heard the front door close and couldn’t find you. But he didn’t want to wake Dad up, so he woke me up instead.” She gestured dramatically at herself.

“Sorry…”

Umiko sighed, walking over to Takumi and leaning against the counter. “Apologize to Papa, not me. He was really worried, you know.” Her expression softened. “It’s not like you, you know. To just…leave like that, without telling anyone.” She turned her head to face him, looking him directly in the eye.

“Is something wrong, Takumi?”

Wrong? Takumi almost wanted to laugh, if he didn’t feel so bad for worrying his dad. Was something wrong? Where did he even start with that question?

When he realized Umiko was still looking at him, he replied with a “why would you think that”, which sounded a lot more spiteful than he had intended. If Umiko caught on, though, she didn’t show it.

“Well…” She drawled, tapping her foot against the floor. “For starters, if you woke up this early and couldn’t go back to sleep, you’d probably take a really long bath or stare out the window at Sakurai’s house or something.”

Takumi felt his face heat up with embarrassment, and he felt a twinge of annoyance in his chest. “How do you even know that?”

Umiko looked at him, expression completely deadpan. “Please Takumi, we’re twins.”

“But-”

Umiko held up a hand, silencing him. “You haven’t been coming to any of our joint practices, and you’re always saying you need to study whenever we’re hanging out.” She threw him a suspicious look. “What’s up, Takumi?”

To his surprise, Takumi felt even more irritated. He turned around, walking over to the counter and picking up the one tray of cookies that had turned out okay.

“Oi! Don’t ignore me, Takumi!”

“Nothing’s wrong, Umiko.” He walked over to another oven and pulled open the door, sticking the tray inside.

“Don’t give me that crap,” she snapped, walking over to Takumi. He turned around again, making his way to the counter and picking up the dirty mixing bowl, gripping it so tightly that his knuckles were visibly white.

“Everyone’s worried about you, you know?” Umiko continued, following closely behind Takumi. “We barely ever see you anymore, and even when we do, you don’t talk at all! You look all tired and sad and we can’t figure out why. Especially Sakurai!”

In any other situation, Takumi would’ve felt simultaneously pleased and like crap to hear this, that Sakurai was worrying about him, but right now he just felt mad. He felt his jaw unconsciously clench, and he was starting to hear the roar of blood-rush in his ears.

“He’s really concerned, Takumi! He keeps asking me if you’re okay, or if you’re sick. He said that you’re not acting like yourself, and for once, he’s totally right-”

“What does he know?” Takumi yelled, slamming the bowl into the sink and turning around to face Umiko. She looked startled, taking a step back. “And what do you know? Don’t act like we’re around each other twenty-four-seven! The two of you barely see me because you’re always together, and it’s always been like that, so don’t pretend to act all concerned about me now!”

After a few seconds, Takumi’s vision cleared a little bit and he saw Umiko standing in front of him, arms limply at her sides and her expression stunned, maybe even scared.

Realization slowly crept over Takumi. He’d just…yelled. At Umiko.

His breath started quickening, and in some form of desperation and panic, he reached an arm out towards Umiko.

“Umiko, I-”

But Umiko was already collecting herself, wrapping her scarf tightly around her neck and making her way towards the door. Takumi could clearly see the hurt in her eyes.

“Wait, Umiko-”

“No, it’s fine” she said, and Takumi was taken aback by how…distant her voice sounded. “I’m sorry.” And then she turned around, opened the door, and left.

Takumi felt his face crumble. What had he just done? Had he really, really, just yelled at his sister for being concerned about him? Because he was jealous and spiteful that she was dating, and completely happy, with his unrequited crush? What was wrong with him?

He felt tears prickling at the back of his eyes, and he rested his head on the cabinet above the sink. No, don’t start crying now, he told himself, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths, struggling to keep his breathing rate normal. He’d been doing enough of that for the past few months. He’d just…have to apologize to Umiko later, make something up.

Unless she’s already figured it out by now.

Takumi sighed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. If that was the case, he’d probably just have to own up to it. Sure, it would make things awkward, but then at least he’d have a proper excuse to stay away from Umiko and Sakurai when they were together.

Just as he got up, massaging his temples, he heard the ding! of the oven timer. He walked over to the oven and pulled out the cinnamon rolls, which looked and smelled as perfect as they ever did. The sweet, fresh smell somehow managed to dampen Takumi’s mood even more.

Oh well, he thought, the voice inside his head bitter. At least you can do something right.

#futurefishbabies #bakapandy #makoharu #writing

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