#fusion.txt

[fusion-vents]

you know

not to suck my own dick or anything but like

my writing is pretty kickass

i like my writing a whole lot

[fusion-ego]

haha taking a 15 minute lunch instead of a 30 minute one this is fine and like its not that much shorter but it makes all the difference when you want to give your legs a rest

[therabbitburrow]

Fusion Time

You ever just fuse with your host and now your a fusion and your’re just like “What the fuckery is this” 

[calliopesboxers-archive]

i forgot to eat today and im so, hungry and light headed. ugh..

[trauma420]

I also even told her about the little which I have never told any professional about before

[angst420]

so anyway the littles tag is now fusion.txt

[fusion-vents]

hey google

how do i stop feeling like a piece of shit failure every time something goes slightly wrong

[fusion-vents]

bipolar brain (depressive episode edition): hey. u feel bad. do drugs to feel better.

sensible brain: how about if i dont and just. idk. push on through without drugs? what if i just did that??

bipolar brain (depressive): sounds lame. drugs better

sensible brain: sucks. die mad about it bitch

[fusion-vents]

bouta isolate myself from everybody but the babe and think about killin myself 💖

[fusion-vents]

damn bitch im high asf rn

gonna end up doin somethin ill advised at work cuz of it id bet

sounds fun

why was i scared of being a stoner again?

[fusion-vents]

there's two parts of me at each others' throats lately

the part that always wants to be there for everyone, yelling that my friends deserve the world and i need to treat them better, that they dont owe me for the effort i've put into the relationship already

and the part that's tired of being tired, being needed, hissing that no they dont owe me but they should be grateful that im even around them and even trying when i barely have the strength to get out of bed

and the worst part is not knowing ig either one of them is even right

[fusion-vents]

i have this issue with being the therapist friend

im always the one people run to despite my own problems, and for years i've opened myself up to it over and over and let them come to me for everything they need because i feel like i have to be helpful and useful or else i have no reason to be around and im an awful friend

but the thing is that i have my own problems. a lot of them actually

and i work myself to the bone worrying about everyone else, until i cant take anymore and i break down from the pressure of my own problems as well as everyone else's problems

and because im the therapist friend, the designated one in the friend group who is Strong and Can Take It, there's usually not anybody there to catch me when i tumble over the edge

and i know its bad for me, and that i need to stop. i need to step back and set boundaries for what i can handle and when i can handle it and how often i can help/what levels of help i can offer and when

just boundaries in general

but i really REALLY suck at setting boundaries

and im even worse about sticking to them

so i just keep spiraling and promising myself i'll set boundaries when im calmed down and i keep not doing it because my friends need me

im in literal constant physical pain, and im rarely doing any better mentally than i am physically, but far be it from me to establish that im not as strong as i used to be and im okay with that, and that i need everyone to back off just a little

far be it from me to take away the only place where some of them can sling as much vitriol as they want without judgement and without worry i'll take them lashing out personally, because i know theyre upset and that theyre only doing it because they know its safe to be as upset as they want around me without it damaging our relationship

[fusion-vents]

My arms: *have pores in the skin and super obvious places where the hair is growing from that make the follicles too noticeable to me*

my stupidass fucking brain: uh oh sisters! time to freak out about things that are COMPLETELY NORMAL ABOUT MY BODY because they LOOK WEIRD!!!! Lol let's rip our skin off :)

Me, literally just trying to work and get paid:

[fusion-vents]

THE MANIC ENERGY IS HERE AND IT IS TIME TO RIP OFF MY GODDAMNED SKIN!!!!!!

[fusion-vents]

my mom, before my dad headed to the place we’ll be moving to later this year: ok, once your dad leaves it’s going to be up to you to help me get this house cleaned and keep it that way.

me: k

my dad: *leaves*

my mom: *has washed dishes only as they’re needed, bitched at me to get “my laundry” (which was actually one of my gma’s blankets and like three shirts and then a few bags of washed stuff in the laundry closet waiting to be sorted) out of the kitchen floor and out of the laundry closet despite knowing there is NOWHERE FUCKING ELSE FOR ME TO PUT IT UNTIL MY ROOM IS DONE, bitched at me to get my (now laundered and folded and put away) clothes out of the living room, sat in her room this whole week and cleaned two (2) things while she was in there, bitched at me that she’s “been in her room the entire week and is getting tired of it” but she “can’t go in the living room to sit down because all of [my] stuff is in there”, helped me crush boxes out in the garage for like 20 minutes and then expected me to take it all outside on/before trash day, asked me yesterday to do the dishes today and then got passive aggressive about the fact that they aren’t done yet even though i’m on my period and didn’t wake up until 2PM anyway because of my period, got passive-aggressive when i mentioned it was hot in the house and AGAIN got on my ass about one of my dresser’s being in the living room until i can clear a spot for it in my room because it was in her way to get to the window like it can’t just be picked up and moved it’s NOT that heavy if i can pick it up with my cooked spaghetti noodle arms while i’m weak from blood loss, gets to sleep through the night without being bothered*

me: *has done like half of all of my laundry and sorted it and gotten rid of a lot of shit, took out all the trash before trash day, has bitched at her ONCE just because I hadn’t slept well and woke up to her yelling and slamming cabinet doors when she got home from work, is not in a good mental state lately ANYWAY, has been repeatedly woken up by fighting cats every. single. fucking. morning. as in multiple times a morning, and am now on my fucking period on top of everything and STILL doing the dishes and i know when she goes and gets the fucking cat litter i’m gonna be the one she volunteers to do the litterboxes*

That doesn’t fucking seem like me “helping” her clean to me. That seems like she’s dumping it on me and then using the fact that she’s upset because she misses dad as an excuse to be a cunt. I have so much I want to fucking say. So much it would be nice to just TELL HER. But I can’t. Because then she’ll just get even more angry at me for trying to “justify” my “laziness” like yeah bitch I get it I haven’t finished my laundry or my bedroom yet but you know what it’s not like you fucking ask me nicely to do the other shit you just say “you’re gonna do this” and expect it to get done. Also??? I’m a fucking adult and if I said I’d do something I’ll do it you just need to be fucking patient with me and not get all pissy and passive-aggressive when I don’t get it done immediately unless it needs done immediately in which case you can still fucking ask nicely for me to get it done now????????

Ugh.

[fusion-vents]

my day: starts rough

me: hm. ok. i’ll just scroll through tumblr and try to feel better

someone i follow: posts discourse about something i like

my day: immediately gets worse

me for the next seven hours: scared to open tumblr because i just want to have an okay day i mean damn