#funny how jarring it is when you look at the verse title )

[zerolympiustrife]

ZOS’ short stories 32

Title: The Honorary, Yet Drunk Uncle Jaune (RWBY)

————————————————————

*Team RWBY, Team JNR, and the Cotta-Arc family are all in a restaurant bar*

Jaune (extremely drunk): Who’sh my favorite nephew? You are!

*Adrian giggles, but then notices his bottle of milk is empty, then starts to tear up*

Jaune (raising an eyebrow): HUH?? What ish it, Adrian?

*Adrian shows him his empty bottle of milk*

Jaune (turns to an bartender): Shcuse me, barkeep! I need milk!

Employee: Sorry, we don’t serve milk.

Jaune (horrified): Whaaaaaaaaaaaa? *Turns to Saphron* Hey! Where’d your shon get milk from?!

Saphron (sarcastically): From the cow at the ranch, that’s located down the street.

*The drunk Jaune starts puckering his lips, pondering, then grins*

Jaune: I shee! *Turns to the bartender* Barkeep! Get me two empty jarsh!

Terra (confused): Huh?

*The bartender hands Jaune two empty jars, then he walks over to the entrance*

Ren: Jaune, where are you going?

Jaune (holding up the jars): I’m gonna go MILK THAT COW!!!

*This response grabs the attention of everyone in the restaurant*

Weiss: Wait, what?

Blake: Why?

Jaune: My nephew Adrian needsh milk, and my shishter told me to go the ranch that’sh down the shtreet!

Saphron (standing up): Wait, Jaune! I was just joking!

Jaune (squinting at her): Oh, VERY funny, Shaphron! Necksht thing you’re gonna tell me ish that money can now grow on treesh! Even fightersh that are drunk right now know that money can’t grow on treesh! Ishn’t that right, Qrow?! Nora?!

*Qrow and Nora, who are sleeping on the bar top, both give Jaune a thumbs-up*

Jaune: Eckshactly! Look out cow, here comesh uncle Jaune! *Boastfully walks out the door*

Saphron (holding her face): Oh dear...

*Adrian makes confused baby noises*

Ruby (getting up): We should go after him and guide him to a grocery store instead.

Yang (getting up as well): I don’t know, Rubes. Drunk vomit boy looked really angry and stubborn when Saphron told him she was just joking. We might as well aid him in “milking that cow”.

Ruby (groaning): Ohmygoshfine...but I’ve got a bad feeling about this...

*Both Ruby and Yang walk out the door and follow Jaune, who’s currently looking for the ranch*

*10 minutes later...*

Jaune (walking back inside, covered in dirt and grass): I GOT THE MILK!! *Proudly holds up two milk jars*

Ren (eyes widened): Goodness, what happened to you?

Ruby (walks in with Yang): Yeah...it’s a long story. Here’s what happened.

Yang (sitting down): After three minutes of searching, we succeeded in finding the ranch where we found a couple of cows either sleeping or eating grass. Ruby kept trying to tell Jaune to go the grocery store instead, but Jaune yelled at her that he “doeshn’t have time to go to a shtupid groshery shtore” and walked over to a cow eating grass. Jaune began to squeeze the udders, but the cow didn’t take too kindly to this action and kicked Jaune in the face, causing him fall into a pile of dirt and grass. Jaune, angry by this response, screamed “Let me milk you, you shtupid cow!” and grabbed its udders started milking them again. Second verse, same as the first, the cow got angry and spat grass in Jaune’s face, causing him to fall back into another pile. I told Jaune “Just find another cow! Jeez!” and he replied “No! I have a power that healsh me no matter how much damage I take! I will milk thish shtupid cow even if it killsh me!” and decided to milk the same, angry cow a third time, but third time’s the charm, cow got angry, Jaune got hurt, then he started to cry, calling himself “the worsht uncle Adrian’sh ever had” and threw a tantrum. Ruby and I couldn’t stand watching this commotion, so I asked Ruby to take the jars and find other cows to milk while I stayed where Jaune was and comfort him. Two minutes later, Ruby successfully got the jars filled up with milk, but informed us that an angry farmer woke up (which I presumed that Jaune’s crying must’ve done it) and nearly killed us. After I successfully told Jaune that he succeeded in getting the milk, he regained his confidence, grabbed the milk jars from Ruby, and the three of us ran back to the city before the farmer could even catch us.

Ruby: And that’s what happened.

*Everyone’s eyes widened, completely shocked by the story*

Jaune (walking over to Adrian): I got you your milk! *Fills Adrian’s bottle with milk, then hands it over to him*

*Adrian drinks the milk, then starts cooing happily*

Jaune (grinning): Yesh! I am the besht uncle Adrian’sh ever had! *Slams his face onto the bar top and falls asleep*

Saphron (laughing): That’s my baby brother for you.

Jaune (snoring): I’m not...a baby... *Snores*

Weiss: Sheesh...

Blake: I can’t believe he did all that for the sake of his nephew...

Yang: Well, at least we made it out alive.

Ruby: Yeah, but still...I don’t think I can ever go near that ranch ever again.

Yang (hugging her): Me neither, Rubes. Me neither.

Jaune (snoring): Rubywillyoumarryme...? *Snores*

Ruby (blushing): Wait, what?!

*Yang squints at the sleeping Jaune*

[pollylynn]

“I absolutely adore you. And you. Especially you.” —Liz Bell, Dead from New York (7 x 22)

Title: Superstar Rating: T WC: 1000

It’s funny to him the way she genuinely has no desire for the spotlight. It’s mostly funny to him, though his ego has taken its lumps since Sid Ross’s body dropped into an elevator car and on to her desk. Even though there’s a slew of TV and movies he’ll never be able to watch again without gritting his teeth, because . . . Danny Valentine. Ew, as it turns out.

But mostly it’s funny to him—both amusing and perplexing. She’s adorable in the moment. She blushes and deflects. She recovers quickly, of course, and he’s sure no one who hasn’t been hanging on her every word to find the rhythm and romance of her cadences would catch the slight hesitation in her speech, the merest shift in her posture, signaling that she’d like to run, because this kind of attention holds no appeal for her.

All of that makes him smile. It makes him want to eat her up, because most of the time cute isn’t the word for his badass wife. But it makes him wonder, too. Now that he’s really thinking about it—now that they’re on this case where unexpected members of her fan club lurk around every corner—it just strikes him as curious that in every scenario, she’d far rather fade into the background than take center stage.

It’s a tragic waste of a could-be superstar, of course. She is graceful, drop-dead gorgeous, a quick study, and really, she’s good at virtually everything already. She exudes intelligence and just a little bit of wickedness. She’s toe-curlingly commanding without being cold or brittle. Everything about her demands one’s full attention, and it’s just . . . odd how attention-averse she is when everything about her makes the world stop in its tracks as she moves through it.  

The whole Model Cop incident, complete with Natalie Rhodes flashbacks, really jars something loose in his mind, partly because he’s totally caught out. He is supposed to be helping to solve a murder, not contemplating how closely his wife approaches perfection, after all.

He’s studying Tina Whatever Her Name Is studying her. She mimics the swing of her hips, the set of her arms folded across her chest, the lift of her chin. He sees it’s a good imitation. He sees how well it’ll play on camera. He sees, for all that, how it’s hardly a shadow of her, and then suddenly  she’s asking him something.

Castle, please tell me I don’t move like that.

She’s watching him watching Tina watching her and this probably isn’t the time or place to fall at her feet and sing her praises, possibly in spontaneous verse. He has to do some deflection of his own.

Is this a trick question?

She fixes him with a split-second look that promises punishment in his near future, and his heart stutters in his chest. He flashes Tina Whatever an okay sign, because . . . A for effort, Tina Whatever, but you’ll never be the star Kate Beckett could be, should be, is, whether she means to be or not.  

He keeps his head in the game after that, but he puzzles over it. He thinks about Liz the Pathetic Writer and her stupid questions about hair and high heels. He’s inclined to scoff at first—how would hair and heels dare to defy her will? And really, what do they have to do with the magnetic pull she has?

Something about the latter question lingers. It hangs out in a corner of his brain with the Model Cop moment and makes itself known again when suddenly she’s on live TV taking down a suspect. Her body is stiff and awkward and her face is blank with terror as he pulls her into a series of exaggerated bows. He has to bail her out, and it's the weirdest thing that she wants no part of the spotlight, and yet—look at her. Just look at her.

She’s adorable all over again with the boys when they tease and gush over her unintentional star turn. She blushes and deflects, but she’s a little pleased by it, too, and isn’t that interesting? She’s pleased, but all the same, she’s more than happy to cede the stage to his mother when she shows up with champagne and her phone carefully set to the Twitter thread someone must have helped her navigate to.

She’s wonderful at that, too—being the adoring fan, the proud daughter-in-law—and he’s just . . . overcome with love for her on top of everything else. He’s impatient to be home, to have her to himself, in bare feet, fresh scrubbed and stripped to the skin. 


It’s too long before he does have her there, before he has her like that, and he’s hovering. He’s all over her. He crowds up behind her in the bathroom mirror, and he knows he’s playing with fire.

“Castle, quit it!” She ducks out from under the arm that’s trying to reel her in.  She’s laughing, but she’s annoyed in earnest, too. “What is going on with you tonight?”

“Nothing.” He’s suddenly shy himself, suddenly tongue-tied and star struck.

She is so much more like this—puttering around with her hair scraped haphazardly up and out of the way, murmuring and singing to herself, tossing snatches of disjointed conversation back and forth with him about their day, about things that need doing around the house. Like this, she blazes with almost unbearable light and heat. He laughs to think how the hair, the heels, the impeccable wardrobe are a smokescreen. They’re a life-saving distraction for the rest of the world.

“Castle . . . ” she says again, and it’s all the warning he’ll get. She brandishes the electric toothbrush like weapon. “What?”

He draws back, hands in the air. He surrenders.

“Nothing,” he mumbles down at the floor. He steels himself with a deep breath and meets her glare with a dorky, dumbstruck grin. “It’s just . . . I’m such a big fan, Detective.” A/N: Ugh. I know. The schmoop. I despise myself.

images via homeofthenutty

[sharkfish]

my favorite destiel fics under 10k

hello enjoy!! there’s a bunch so they’re under the cut. :) a couple are dcj which is noted after the title! 

don’t forget to kudos & comment!!! 

A Change of Scene by SurlyCat

Words: 7,606

When Dean goes over to see his Dom on Christmas Eve, he isn't expecting Cas to play naughty Santa, and neither of them is expecting how it turns out for them.

Aloft by VioletHaze 

Words: 5,271

Despite his bravado walking in, he can’t quite bring himself to sit on Cas’s actual bed, but he stands near the foot of it and takes a long pull of his beer. In silent satisfaction, he watches Cas watch him lick the beer off his upper lip.

From past experience, this should be when Cas strides forward and Dean pretends to let him take charge. For whatever reason, though, that’s not happening. If anything, Cas seems to have put a little extra space between them.

“Dean, about today,” Cas begins and Jesus Christ when he said he wanted to talk he actually wanted to talk.

Dean feels the embarrassment at being so far off base twist at his gut. The bottle he was holding loosely in his hand is now clenched in his fist as he makes for the door. “We are not doing this.”

He’s stopped in his tracks when his vision goes black, disorienting him. It takes a second or two to realize it isn’t the black of darkness or unconsciousness, but a deep iridescent black of feathers and wings.

A moving sea. by orange_crushed

Words: 3,356

It’s a pretty song but just too fucking sad, even if he doesn’t catch all the words, so Dean reaches out to change it. But Castiel’s hand meets his halfway, startles him into pulling back. He glances over and sees Castiel’s eyes watching him, glittering a little in the light from the dash. He wasn’t sleeping at all. “I like this one,” Castiel says. “Do you mind?”

"No," says Dean, and leaves it. Castiel twines their fingers together and they stay like that for the next dozen miles.

Angel-Mine by relucant @relucant​

Words: 4,274

Cas exhaled. "When an angel's wings are injured," he said to his feet, "the healing process can be augmented by… grooming, I suppose, would be the most accurate word. Removal of the maimed feathers to allow growth of healthy ones. Otherwise, they're left to fall out alone." He tilted his head towards the nightstand. "As you see."

Dean stared at him. "So… that's why I can't help?" he said slowly. "'Cause I can't, y'know… see 'em? Or touch 'em?"

"Yes," Cas said, slightly too quickly, and Dean snorted.

"You're still a shitty liar, Cas," he informed him. "What ain't you tellin' me?"

A Room of His Own (or not) by Valinde (Valyria)

Words: 3,036

Dean took a deep breath and reassessed the situation. He was in bed with a guy, sure, and technically they were snuggling, but it was Cas. The guy had absolutely no reference on what was appropriate physical contact between two dudes sharing a bed in the... normal, completely unsexy, no-funny-business, way.

A Simple Touch, A Single Look by jujubiest

Words: 2,334

Something is going on between Dean and Castiel, and Sam is determined to find out what it is. Meanwhile, Castiel puzzles over surprising aspects of his relationship with Dean.

As Long as you Like by artsyUnderstudy

Words: 6,626

A few months after Cas finally comes home to Dean, the two have settled in comfortably together. It's only after a botched date that Dean starts to worry he might not understand what Cas needs.

Boys On Film by LoversAntiquities 

Words: 8,540

But maybe that’s what it is—maybe Castiel’s finally realized something Dean is too chicken to admit, despite the fact he’s been jerking off to the idea of Castiel fucking him for the past few weeks. The idea warms him as much as it pains him to think about, his friend not being able to talk to him about something like that. That has to be it—it’s the only explanation. Castiel likes him.

“Or maybe he knows you do cam shows.”

Dean chokes on his burger.

Castiel's Angel by Valinde (Valyria)

Words: 5,073

The angel took a deep breath and looked down at his hands. He was fidgeting Cas noticed. Usually he was so bizarrely at ease in his human form, lounging around and tossing winks and smirks at anyone with a pulse. That more than anything had Cas straightening on his stool and wishing he was a little less tipsy.

“Ineedyoutogroommywings,” Dean muttered in one long, almost unintelligible, string. He was blushing.

Casturbatus Interruptus by smallhorizons

Words: 6,118

post-9.01, in a slight AU wherein Cas comes to live with the Winchesters at the Bunker. Written before 9.03. Crossposting from Tumblr. Written for a prompt from hightopsandsharpies: "Okay, so Cas is a virgin, and has no idea what pleasure is and Dean decides to show him and Cas gets all cuddly and needy afterwards."

Dean walks in on Cas masturbating. He’s doing it all wrong, but when you’re a bazillion-year-old virgin, that’s to be expected. Dean decides to lend him a hand in a totally platonic, non-romantic way. Things get a little out of control.

Curriculum vitae by cadignan

Words: 2,875

Curriculum vitae, n. A short account of one's career and qualifications. From Latin "course of (one's) life."

Dances With Bees by shiphitsthefan @shiphitsthefan​

Words: 1,402

There is no First Blade. No Mark of Cain. No Ezekiel or Metatron or Trials or Purgatory. There is Dean, and there is Baby, and there is Cas, and all three are worse for wear.

"In which Dean is not a bee, Cas is not a flower, and the image of Cas' left hand on a radio dial and a hole in the knee of his scrubs will haunt your every waking moment for eternity. YOU'RE WELCOME."―Thank you for helping write the summary, Betty.

Days With You by omgbubblesomg @omgbubblesomg​

Words: 3,212

Dean’s almost tragically offended when he moves into a new apartment and despite his absolute best efforts he can’t win more than a smile from his devastatingly handsome neighbour.

Every Last First by Areiton @areiton​

Words: 1,514

Somewhere along the way, Cas stopped being an ally, a friend.

Now, he was simply everything.

For Science by shiphitsthefan @shiphitsthefan​

Words: 6,105

“Think of it like an experiment," says Dean. "You’re testing a hypothesis as to whether or not a desirable response can be achieved through the stimulation of the anus via the application of a willing volunteer’s muscular hydrostat.”

Cas raises an eyebrow. “Are you actually trying to use the scientific method to talk me into letting you lick my asshole?”

Freeze Frame by surlybobbies

Words: 4,998

Dean's got about two minutes before Cas comes back, which is more than mildly inconvenient because Dean's just found out Cas is in love with him.

Friends Helping Friends (Telling Me What My Heart Meant) byAnnie D (scaramouche)

Words: 6,201

Dean and Cas have known each other for about a year now, and in that time, Cas has never gone into heat. So far.

He Came in Through the Bedroom Window by betts

Words: 4,725

Close to every day of every summer, Cas climbs into Dean’s room immediately after he wakes up.

He Woke Me Up Again by artsyUnderstudy

Words: 7,642

Castiel is injured at the studio, giving him and Dean time to work through their newly forming relationship.

If I Run by Anonymous

Words: 4,365

"Dean Winchester is a red-blooded American male. He lifts all the things. He aims for functional strength. He counts his macros and makes fun of curlbros. He is not a member of the Tarahumara tribe and he will not read Born to Run, no matter how many times Sam tells him to, because Starting Strength is the only book Dean will ever fucking need."

***

Wherein a friendly competition with the mysterious ThursdaysAngel turns into a sexy selfie-trading spree that motivates Dean Winchester to train for his first marathon.

Inhuman by Annie D (scaramouche)

Words: 2,098

Dean has learned that sex is different when there's an angel involved.

Just After, But Before by cymbalism

Words: 8,712

Just after Purgatory, but before whatever's next, Dean has a broken angel to put back together.

Just like honey. by orange_crushed

Words: 4,505

"Dean," Cas says. His hand is still flat against Dean's heart. "I've been- will you do something for me?"

"Sure," Dean says. He doesn't even have to think about it. Cas's eyes are starring over, gleaming at the edges with the faintest track of unshed tears, even though he's smiling again. Dean's never actually seen him cry: happy, stubborn, tireless Castiel and his bees and guacamole and perfect coffee and perpetually bare feet, Cas, Dean's hardy dandelion blooming in the middle of the sidewalk. Dean would do literally anything he asked right now, jump off a cliff or ford a river, hand to hand combat with a mountain lion, an eight-course dinner with all Cas's jerkoff fundamentalist relatives. Dean would learn Esperanto or become a bonds trader, whatever the fuck that is. Dean would die for him. Dean would do it smiling.

"Marry me," Cas says.

Kisses by Sunflower Beds by fanforfanatic @fanforfanatic​

Words: 3,299

Cas can’t bring Dean back. But he can’t be without him. So Cas leaves to meet versions of Dean he hasn’t come across before. Dean at three as a snotty toddler. At eight as a grubby child. At fifteen when he's already damaged. Cas travels through time to meet Dean throughout his life, different version of the man and Cas loves every single one.

La cucina. by orange_crushed

Words: 3,962

Dean turns around and Castiel is picking through the jars, turning them over carefully to read the labels, totally engrossed. Dean watches him.

"Is there," Dean says, "uh, anything in there you like?" Castiel looks up at him and then back at the apples, sitting in a basket on the counter in their golden skins, ripe and pretty. Castiel smiles up at Dean.

Like a Parched Land by Las

Words: 8,676

Written for the following prompt: "Reverse!verse: Castiel is the Righteous Man and Dean is the angel who drags his ass out of Hell." This is an AU version of episodes 5x01 through 5x03.

Long Nights in Cold Months by pyrebi

Words: 2,344

When you're an insomniac, you get used to the "what the hell are you doing up, man?" look. Dean just hopes the guy who's stocking the shelves will stop giving it to him long enough to help him find some damn pineapple.

Love, Take Your Toll by aileenrose

Words: 8,724

Cas sees hundreds of faces every day, but there's only one that he really cares about.

Movie Night by Annie D (scaramouche)

Words: 7,683

Dean invites his friends over so that they can gangbang Cas, and fun times were had by all.

Mysteries. by orange_crushed

Words: 2,542

But if God is not gone entirely, if God is not blind, then God knows about this, too. He might be the only one who can hear it: the inaudible rumbling in Castiel’s heart, restless and aching like an empty stomach.

Negotiating the Spot by shiphitsthefan @shiphitsthefan​

Words: 6,521

"They lie there in a comfortable silence for a while, Dean on his back with his eyes closed and Cas on his side curled around him. Eventually, Cas’ back starts to hurt, and his arm starts going numb beneath the pillow, squashed by the weight of his head and the odd angle. This is becoming a common problem when they cuddle after sex, and Cas doesn’t understand why."

The wet spot on the bed often poses a problem once the afterglow subsides, but rarely does it offer solutions.

okay, cupid. by orange_crushed

Words: 4,591

"The dating thing?" Dean frowns. "Online dating is for weirdos. Robots. Dudes hanging out in their basements."

"You hang out in your basement."

"I have an air hockey table down there,” Dean says, icily.

Once Upon A Dream by jujubiest

Words: 4,899

Everybody-Dean included-attributes Castiel's awkward staring and lack of appreciation for personal space to his lack of understanding when it comes to humans. Funny thing, though: Cas never invades Bobby's personal space, or Sam's. Why is Dean different? Maybe there's something everyone is missing.

Orange You Glad by shiphitsthefan @shiphitsthefan​

Words: 6,062

Dean hates farmers markets and everything that they stand for. However, following a conversation with a new friend, an aptly-timed epiphany, and some impromptu pie-sharing, Dean's definitely rethinking that opinion.

Perfect Symmetry by FPwoper (dcj) @fpwoper 

Words: 1,447

In which Dean gets drunk and gets lucky. With twins.

Petals by Morethancupcake

Words: 1,745

"He tells him about the bet, about how Ash had pointed Castiel out and had said "Fifty bucks none of you can't have him." Dean doesn't tell him the insults, but Castiel can guess them, all of them. They all probably laughed at how awkward he was, how out of place. How wrong."

Dean tells him about the bet. In the morning, Castiel is gone.

Physics can wait by museaway @museaway​ 

Words: 1,654

Dean doesn’t want a tutor, especially not some kid his age in a tan sweater with a tie and a freaking button-down, but his mom insisted.

Pink by museaway @museaway​

Words: 7,651

After a chance encounter at Lawrence Laundromat (at 3am, no less), Castiel is enthralled with his memory of a man in dusty jeans and a plain t-shirt with a pair of panties in his laundry basket. So Charlie Bradbury (aka Castiel's Former Best Friend) places a "missed connections" ad on his behalf, because that's what friends are for.

Queer by SeashellDestihell

Words: 1,948

A collection of times Dean encounters the word queer.

Release by lovegonestale

Words: 2,504

"Dean refuses to acknowledge his affection/lust for Castiel which backfires horridly when an angel/monster/witch strips Dean of his control and leaves only the basic instincts. The animal inside Dean wants Castiel, wants him under him, submitting, his mate/bitch and he'll do whatever he needs to get that."

Sharing Hands by almaasi 

Dean feels something strange when he touches himself, and realises Cas has been using him as a vessel ever since he came back from Purgatory.

Shopping with Castiel by Anonymous

Words: 2,126

Dean takes Castiel shopping, and the tension is just too much to handle.

Show Me by relucant @relucant​

Words: 3,069

“Huh,” Dean said again. He paused for a moment, then blurted, “Do you think you could show me?” Cas’ eyes widened, but before he could respond, Dean continued in a rush, “Like, um, a porn or something? I mean, just to, like – oh, God, never mind.” He dropped his head into his hands, the tips of his ears bright red.

It wouldn’t be the first time their decade-long friendship had gone a little beyond PG-ratings, between curious middle-school jerkoffs over the pilfered Playboys from Dean’s hidden stash to some drunken high school party games that maybe got a little more handsy than necessary. But they were seniors in college now, and Cas’ attraction to Dean had acquired a weight it hadn’t had as teenagers, and he was pretty sure watching gay porn together was a bad way to fuel that fire.

“Okay,” he said, before his mouth caught up to his dick.

Dean jerked his head up. “What?” he said stupidly.

Something Like This by AlizarinDreams

Words: 2,891

PWP continuation of Missing the Point. Really. That's it.

Steal my Breath by Sincestiel

Words: 1,991

“Tighter, Dean, please,” Cas urges throwing his head back to rest on Dean’s shoulder. Dean squeezes. He doesn’t know why Cas wants this or even what the appeal is, but he always comes harder when he’s struggling to breathe.

Study Break by relucant @relucant​

Words: 3,544

“Stop whining,” Cas said. “Finish your outline and we’ll go. There’s beer at the apartment. We’ll put on Star Wars and pretend we never set foot in the library over break.”

“Castiel Novak,” Dean said, putting his hand to his heart, “you are the wind beneath my wings.”

“Idiot,” Cas said affectionately, hoping Dean didn’t notice the hot flush creeping up his neck. He snatched his pen back and returned to his paper.

They worked in silence for several minutes, punctuated only by Dean’s occasional groans of boredom. Finally he pushed his laptop away and opened his mouth to complain when another clap of thunder shook the walls, much louder than before, and the lights flickered briefly.

Stupid with a Flare Gun by remmyme @remmyme​

Words: 3,912

“Look,” Dean grits, pinching at the bridge of his nose, “You’ve got a body. Yourbody.” (Castiel, not long ago: “Jimmy…his soul was not returned to me.”) “You’re gonna damn well learn how to use it.” The hunter reaches under the seat to jerk at the lever, sliding back the whole of the front bench and badly startling Castiel with the unexpected jolt of movement. “And, hate to break it to you, but this town’s really not that big. You just got yourself kicked out of the only joint that’s got the professionals at work.”

Dean twists to lean against the car door, pulling up a leg to lay across the seat. The moment stretches, silent and tense.

“I ain’t gonna fuck you,” he says, voice gruff, “but I’ll talk you through it.”

Support Your Local Gay Beekeeper by Powerfulweak

Words: 3,976

It’s not like Dean goes on Grindr very often, just when he’s bored and alone. The blue-eyed guy's profile reads "Beekeeper, 29, 5'10, Single, I watch the bees." Dean is intrigued. He has to send a message.

Take Me Home Tonight by Persephoneshadow

Words: 8,111

“Come on, we’re finding you someone to…engage with sexually or whatever,” Dean explains, chancing another swig of beer before going on. “Anyone in this bar, no limits, who would you would be your top choice to bang?”

“Well, you, ideally.”

Dean spits out some beer before collapsing in on himself, legitimately choking this time. “Excuse me?!”

----

Or the one where Cas wants to have sex and Dean is there to help.

Take Your Time by smallhorizons

Words: 2,532

Basically: Dean takes his time opening up Cas with his tongue and fingers before he finally slips inside and gives Cas what he wants.

The First Thing by Valinde (Valyria)

Words: 2,609

Dean figures out what he wants.

The Occasional Sentimentality by Annie D (scaramouche)

Words: 7,512

Dean has the Winchester business, Castiel is an independent contractor, their penchant for violence is something they have in common. For eight months they've been meeting off and on for brief yet intense encounters, but like all things, it can't stay that way forever.

The One Thing You Can't Lose by MajorEnglishEsquire

Words: 4,955

You know what I like a lot? The thought that Dean can just tug Cas anywhere at any time and Cas, who can lift tons without effort, who can demolish things with the light of his grace, who has battled and gone to war, has defended and broken, will just let Dean do it.

The Samhain Trials by jemariel @jemariel

Words 8,068

On Samhain night, the veil is thin, not only between the spirit world and our own, but between humankind and their inner natures.

Every year, the hunt is run. Alphas and omegas brave the woods in search of glory and passion. Every year, Dean Winchester comes out alone. The soulbrand on his neck means that he has a True Mate, and what should be a blessing has only been a curse.

He hopes, and he waits, and this year his soulbrand has been itching as if it were newly risen.

It's nearly sundown.

The Sweetest Taste by habitatfordeanwinchester @cineastette

Words: 1,938

“I assure you that I can feel and taste things just as well as you can, if not more so.”

“You’ve spent centuries as a, what do you call it, fucking celestial wavelength? You can’t possibly tell me that you think you’re a greater authority on hot chocolate.”

***

In which Dean and Castiel argue about hot chocolate.

through hardships to the stars by museaway @museaway 

Words: 4,554

Cas showed up at Dean’s apartment six minutes before midnight with a six-pack of Ad Astra under his arm and Interstellar on blu-ray.

Times Two by relucant (dcj) @relucant

Words: 5,416

[10:50] From: Charlie

So did you find Mr. Sex Hair?

[10:51] To: Charlie

actually yeah. and dude -- there's TWO of them

[10:51] From: Charlie

… How drunk are you?

[10:52] To: Charlie

im not!

[10:52] To: Charlie

ok im lying, i am a little

[10:53] To: Charlie

but srsly, they're twins. and ofc i accosted the wrong twin abt the pic

[10:55] From: Charlie

Oh my God. Your life is a fanfic.

[10:56] From: Charlie

So… Dean-sandwich on the menu then?

To be Alone with You by artsyUnderstudy

Words: 6,248

Castiel needs a model for his new sculpture project, and Dean Winchester sounds perfect for the job.

Tush by Sales Associate Steve (Stiney) @salesassociatesteve

Words: 5,359

Dean's still not exactly clear how he got here, but it's not so bad, actually, it's pretty awesome modeling panties on Tumblr.

Unfocused, Blissed Out by jemariel (dcj) @jemariel

Words: 1,818

“You’re both so beautiful,” Cas finds himself saying.

Jimmy laughs a high snort of a laugh. “Whatever you say, asshole.”

Dean slaps him lightly on the shoulder. “Way to ruin the moment, jerk.”

But Cas just settles deeper into the pillows and around his lovers, smiling and content.

We Will Touch Our Feet Together by cadignan

Words: 7,388

Go to one hour’s worth of paid cuddling—touch therapy, whatever—and end up with a pothead moping on your couch, talking about kinky sex.

Wordplay by Dangerousnotbroken @dangerousnotbroken

Words: 2,964

“I don’t understand why talking dirty is such a big deal for you humans,” Cas complains, apropos of nothing.

You Deserve This by beansprean

Words: 2,190

Sex with Cas was never supposed to be an emotional experience, and Dean doesn't deserve to be made love to.

[teruthecreator]

2, 6, and 12 for the 3 songs asks?

hey, guess who forgot u sent this? i did! hgbrjbgjbrhg anyway so 

2. three last songs you listened to 

well the song i’m listening to rn as i write this is CHERRY BOMB by Tyler the Creator, off the album of the same name! fair warning, if you go to that link and you’re wearing headphones, it is advised you turn it Wayyyyyyyy down as this song will likely snipe ur eardrums if not. idk why i’ve recently become so obsessed w this bop, but it blends this like harsh, grating bass with these beautiful little soft moments and this like beat that just feels so Confrontational im just….hhhhh it’s Good. i recommend highly, i just suggest you turn it down. 

after that it’s THE BROWN STAINS OF DARKEESE LATIFAH PART 6-12 (Remix) by Tyler the Creator, off the Cherry Bomb album. i have No Idea what the title means, but this is just a hands-down bop and vibe. the beat is funky and like the little synth noises in the back are just interesting, and the cuts between the little bridges and the verses is so jarring but also it works?? idk i really like tyler, the creator,,, 

and the last one is Say So by Doja Cat off her most recent album Hot Pink! doja is just kinda iconic on her own, but this song is funky and has those sexy vibes she’s always going for, and i just fucks w it real hard man!! it slaps!! she’s also Incredibly Pretty so like yep yep uh huh ill listen to your music you are Very Pretty. also everyone thinks she says “hot and moaning” in one of the chorus lyrics, and i had to look on genius to check (it’s not, but you can hear that phrase if ur looking for it AND hear the actual lyric if ur looking for it. i found that very funny.) 

6. three songs you wish you could erase from history (because they’re terrible) 

can i be honest here??? can i sit down and just be real w yall?? i don’t think i’ve ever heard a song that’s, like, Objectively terrible. it might be because my scope is extremely limited (since i find my favorites and then just listen to those for the rest of Time), or because i can find musical merit in even genres i’m not an active fan of. but i don’t think any song i’ve ever heard i’ve ever been like “oh, this is Awful and should never exist!” like if someone tells me an album is bad, i tend to stay away from it anyway, so it’s not like i can have an opinion of it Myself (bc i trust my friends music tastes but that doesn’t necessarily mean the album shouldnt Exist). also i’ll watch anthony fantano’s reviews and sort of decide if something piques my interest and seems to have critical merit enough to check out, but most of the time i watch reviews for albums i’m already a Huge Fan of (coughcoughIGORcoughcough). but…yeah! i don’t have an answer for this one! 

12. three favourite songs from video games 

Fallen Down from Undertale by Toby Fox. hands down, this is The Best song on the entire soundtrack, and i will defend that to my dying days. if you want to be transported to the fondest, rustic, most tender and emotional memories of places you’ve never even Been To, you listen to this song. if you’ve never felt the gentle embrace of a parental figure after you’ve had a nightmare, you listen to this song. if you want to cry your eyes out over the time lost in your life already, you listen to this song. if you want to think of World’s Best Mom, Toriel Dreemurr, You Listen To This Song. i once had a full-on out of body Experience playing Minecraft and playing this song on loop. this song is fucking amazing, Megalovania can suck my whole ass 

SPEAKING OF SONGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU EMOTIONAL, BUT ALMOST IN THE ENTIRELY OPPOSITE (BUT NOT RLLY) SENSE, Vs. Susie from Deltarune by Toby Fox gives you the instinct to rock out but also Cry at the same exact fucking time!!! how does this man keep doing it!!! i think i might be a Little biased bc susie is my absolute favorite character from Deltarune (and maybe even the whole franchise, if im being honest), but just that crooning guitar rift towards the end is so telling of her emotional state during this point of the game and every time i replay deltarune i just have to let this song play out a couple times bc its Such a short scene. i really hope this theme comes back when the full game gets released, it is an absolute bop and a heart-puller. 

last but not least, my absolute favorite banger from a game series is…. ASSGORE (Fingerfückung) by BotanicSage, using the songs ASGORE and Bergentrückung from Undertale by Toby Fox. yes, i’ve linked the original song, not the MMD bc i feel like this video deserves more love (the orig. has like 100k views and the MMD has over a million Come On People). on a serious note, the Undertale songs he samples from are definitely up there on my favorites from Undertale, but paired with the extra samples and the lyrics?? this is just God Tier. and the fact that this song was made out of Pure Spite is just the cherry on top. i Live for spiteful art!!! i want more of it!!! it’s great!!! we need more Fingers In His Ass!! 

(also if you’re wondering why all my favorite game songs are from undertale…………fuck you thats why jgbhjrbghjhrgh) 

[disinvited-guest]

10/25/18 Ithaca Recap

I was a little worried about this being a seated show, since my spot (the second row far house left) was a little further from the stage than I would have preferred.  I spent the whole time at my seat low key freaking out about the situation.  I shouldn’t have worried.  As soon as they came onstage, Marty started freaking out on the drums and Flans demanded everyone stand up, come up to the front, and fill in the aisles.  

I didn’t have to be told twice, and ended up in the front row, to the left of the keyboards, giving me a great view of all the guys throughout the show (with the exception of Marty, who was blocked by the keyboards.  

A few general notes before I start the recap in earnest.  Flans was wearing the jacket that has been the center of fso much discussion over the past week.  Pictures don’t do it justice, the thing is a beacon!  Also, this is the first show I’ve been to where they’ve made extensive use of video projection.  They were a bit distracting at first, but after I got used to them I thought they made a nice addition.

They started into Damn Good Times and before the first verse was done, Danny looked my direction and recognized me.  He gave me a smile, and I think he was a little surprised to see me.  Flans took time in the middle of the song to thank us for coming, noting that we “Had our choice of They Might Be Giants-like bands. The song ended with Dan’s always wonderful solo, and the crowd cheered as the song ended.  As we fell quiet, a few people in the back started to cheer again, Flans looked out at them, put his finger to his lips and said “Shh!” as they started into I Left My Body.

During Your Racist Friend, Flans began singing the second verse where he should have sung the first.  Dan made a face when he realized what was happening, but Flans kept going, just switching the two verses entirely. Curt’s big intro was as perfect as always, and he took his place on the riser, demonstrating clapping enthusiastically as they segued into Particle Man.  The crowd was a little off the beat at times, but we got it on track for Linnell’s interlude of Here You Come Again.  

As the song ended, Flans walked right over to me, hand outstretched, with the clear intention of giving me his guitar pick.  I raised cupped hands, not trusting myself to take it in my suddenly shaking fingers, and he dropped it into my palm before moving back upstage.  I was in shock, and checked my front left pocket thoroughly for any holes in the lining (fool me once…) before placing the pick there.  As I did, they started into The Famous Polka.  I didn’t even connect the dots between me having the pick and them playing that particular song until Flans was holding the guitar right over me.  I desperately reached for the pick in my pocket, it taking enough time that Flans felt the need to offer me another he had in his hand, but I got the first one out in time. It was simultaneously one of the most terrifying and exhilarating moments of my life.  I couldn’t even look at the guitar directly as I went, the view I remember is of Flans’ left hand changing chords for me.  I was so worried I would mess it up but I didn’t!  I’m not saying it was good, but it was passable and then it was over and I had played Flans’ guitar.  I was in shock and I must have looked it.  As Flans walked away Danny, who had been watching the event, cracked up when he saw the expression on my face.  

After the polka ended, Flans asked Linnell what he had done that day.  Linnell said that he had heard that ACDC was getting a new singer, and that it was a crow.  He did an impressive crow imitation, moving from a few simple “caws” to saying “back in black!” in a crow’s voice.

Flans mentioned that “the guy who wrote Back in Black and  was with the band for 30 years” had to go because “you know how new guys are.”

Linnell then informed us all that crows were really smart and asked if we had seen “that video of a crow trying to get food out of a jar.”

“They [ACDC] could work that into the act,” Flans told him.

When asked what song was next, Linnell said that this was the first time in 30 years they had had a good segue for the song, and that it was about what they were just discussing.  Flans was clearly baffled, but Dan and Danny, who were looking off the setlists, were nodding and laughing behind Linnell.  “See, Dan and Danny know,” Linnell told Flans.

“I know they know,” Flans replied, a little frustrated “I wish I had a setlist in front of me so I could know too.”

The next song was as fitting as Linnell had said:  Birdhouse in Your Soul.  They then went straight into the Guitar, meaning two of the highest energy songs of the night were back to back.  Linnell was jumping around a lot, and his one ear monitor, which he had out of his ear and hanging fairly loose, bounced so much it almost hit him in the cheek.  While Flans was introducing the Future of Sound, asking us to put our hands together, Linnell “demonstrated” by pounding his two fists into each other.  Flans noticed and changed to copy him, telling us to put our fists together.  “Who will win?” Linnell asked, once we all were, effectively, punching ourselves.

“Left fist! Ow! Right fist! Ow!” Flans chanted rhythmically.  We all switched back to more conventional clapping as the Future of Sound began.  Linnell was basically responding to Curt’s trumpet using his Kaoss pad, but he also would bang his fists and head on the keyboard.    Altogether, it was the perfect blend of funny and musically interesting.  

After they wrapped up The Guitar Flans stepped back up to the mic to ask Linnell what song was next.  When Linnell told him it was off of Mink Car, he replied “Aww that’s not good.  That’s gonna mess up...it was going so well!”  Rather than go straight into the song, Flans told us that he loved Ithaca, and “I spent four-thousand dollars at an antique store today.”  He then began describing one of his acquisitions to us, a bottle labelled “lead and opium wash” which he has since posted to his instagram.   He told us that he was amazed that it was freely available for sale, since there was some liquid still left in the bottle.  “I could do without the lead,”  he announced, getting a laugh from the audience, “And I could probably do without the opium.”  Linnell noted that it was just like Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop,  “It will balance your chakra, and it’s also addictive!”

Flans told us that the strangest part was that it said “poison” on the bottle.  “Would you like to buy some poison?”  he asked us in a gravelly voice.  He moved on to speculate what exactly a lead and opium wash would do to him.

“There’s only one way to find out.” Linnell answered

The audience laughed, but Flans said “And that is pure research.”  Apparently this was a reference to a movie, but Flans couldn’t remember the title.  He described it as being about two identical twin scientists, and one of them going crazy.  Eventually Dan came up with the title (which I can’t remember) and Flans started to go on with his description, but then stopped, saying that he shouldn’t be telling us spoilers in front of Marty.  Marty protested that he had already seen the movie, but Flans went on to say that Marty is “so anti-spoiler that, even though we hadn’t seen the movie, mentioning the title of A Star Is Born was a spoiler because it revealed that a star was born.”  Linnell then relayed that Marty had seen the movie already, so Flans went on with his story.

He explained that in the movie, when the one brother goes crazy, the other brother is trying to cover for him, and so he tells everyone that he had moved to pure research.  According to Flans, he and Robin now use that term to refer to someone “flipping their shit.”  

Linnell then told Flans that he always claimed that he was researching a character “whenever I’m throwing a temper tantrum.”

Flans then asked Linnell what the next song was again.  Linnell told him it was from Mink Car, and Flans remembered “Oh right, and it’s going to ruin the energy of the show.” He paused, then added “More than this long, rambling…”  he trailed off and they started into Bangs, which sounded amazing and didn’t ruin the show’s energy at all.

From Bangs, the band started straight into Authenticity Trip, but Linnell wasn’t ready, and announced that he hadn’t come in when he was supposed to.  The band kept playing the opening refrain, obviously expecting him to join in so they could move on, but he made them stop and start over again because it was “what his character would do.”

After all but crawling on the ground during authenticity trip, Flans returned to his mic stand to call for some audience participation, since it was the part of the show where we got to be “masters of showmanship” like them.  He told us that when we heard the words “new song”  we had to pretend we were excited, “I know there’s nothing worse than hearing a band’s new songs,”  and cheer and throw our hands up in the air.  

We tried it, Flans announced that they were going to play a new song and we screamed for all we were worth.  Linnell, who was coming over to his accordion mic, pretended to be blown backwards by the noise.  Flans had us do it another time, then they played Let’s Get This Over With.  They segued into Doctor Worm from there.  In final verse, which Linnell usually does in that broken-sounding, croaky voice, he instead shouted the first word of each line over Flan’s backing vocals, which sounded really neat.

Linnell announced that the next song was one they hadn’t played yet on this tour, then paused and added “I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

Flans told him it was so the audience would “get to see us looking at our hands.”  Rather than start the song from there, Flans told us more about his shopping trip, announcing “I bought my first piece of taxidermy today.”  

He described it as looking like a tiger, but much smaller.  He wasn’t sure what the actual animal was, and Linnell seemed skeptical from the description that it was real, and a bit put-off by the concept.

Flans had already worked out a plan for bring the thing home “Before I unwrap it, I’m going to tell R-- I’m going to tell my wife Robin that if she never wants to see it again, that’s fine, but if she likes it I’m gonna start waxing my mustache.”

Linnell told him that introducing taxidermy to a person was just like introducing a new song.  “You have to introduce it slowly, and if she stands up and claps you know it’s good.”

Danny, who had been looking anxious throughout the banter, stepped behind Linnell to ask if they were going to start or not.  “Danny wants to start the song,” Linnell told us, and made some reference to what his character would do before they began Museum of Idiots.  I’d never heard this live before, and it was fantastic.  I was especially enthused about the bassline, which is as amazing live as on the recording.  

As they finished, Linnell mentioned that he thought it had gone well before moving to get the contra alto clarinet from it’s stand.  Flans agreed with him, then introduced the instrument as being on the endangered species list.

“Like miniature taxidermied tigers,” Linnell shot back.  

This brought them onto the idea of a “miniature taxidermied contra alto clarinet.”  Flans decided that “once you make a taxidermied contra alto clarinet, you know everything there is to know about taxidermy.”  This got a huge cheer.  Danny then pointed out that this was another new song which Linnell relayed to the crowd and we cheered again as they started into All Time What.  I always love to watch Linnell joining Curt on his riser during this song.  Once he’s up there, he always bows to Curt, which is hilarious.

Linnell put the clarinet away as Flans announced they were coming to the end of their first set.  They played When Will You Die, during which Linnell included “and that’s Curt,” and moved on to Spy.

The beginning of the song was what I can only describe as a personality-filled intro from Curt.  It sounded amazing, but it was also clear that he was having a lot of fun with it.  He was stepping around Danny, angling his trumpet so it was aimed directly at his bass, and sometime out at the crowd.  As he finished and started to walk back to his drum riser, he turned and played a bit more over his shoulder before they started the song.  When it was Linnell’s turn to direct the ending he started by playing that “now the night is gone” alternate the band.  Then he switched to his crow imitations from earlier that night.  The next time he let the band go, Dan played the guitar riff from Back in Black (Because apparently he can just DO that!) When Danny looked over at him, surprised, Dan just shrugged like it was no big deal.  When Flans directed, he started by having Curt then Danny play really closely together, which they managed to an incredibly precise degree, eventually expanding to the rest of the band then bringing the audience into the mix.  We were a little slow on the uptake, but eventually got the hang of it, and Flans began to experiment with just how little he could move to cue the band or the audience.  By the end, he would sway just a fraction of a degree one way or another, his movement barely perceptible.  Eventually, he grew tired if it, and they finished the song, finishing out the first set.

A few people returned to their seats during the break, but most of us stayed where we were.  After Marty’s electronic drums had been set up, they were covered by a Canadian flag with a pot leaf in place of the maple leaf.  

After we all watched the Last Wave Video, Marty and the Johns returned to the stage, with Flans introducing the first song by telling us we “probably heard the title in 9th grade AP History Class.”

“Like all the songs in our second set,” he continued, “this song was written by George Soros.”  He explained that George Soros had written this song in the early 19th century because “he doesn’t age.”

Linnell jumped in to note that “As you can tell, we put our own spin on it,” before they started into Tippecanoe and Tyler Too.  

Flans told us that the next song was also by George Soros, but for this one, they were going into the future: 1844. Flans went on to reveal that at a meeting of their secret society, they had stolen the song for themselves before having Linnell introduce James K. Polk.

I believe it was at the end of Polk when a series of loud pops could be heard.  After they finished, Linnell turned to Flans and said he wanted to “make sure that wasn’t just me having an aneurysm.”  

Flans told him “It was all three of us having an aneurysm.”  Before learning that the PA had briefly gone out.  He told us all that the problem with that kind of noise is that “they have to happen an even number of times.”  He checked that everyone could hear him, then asked the people in the balcony if they could hear him.  When they cheered in response, he called up “Good! We thought you were just being nice!”  He then stepped forward and said in a much quieter, mumbling voice to the people up front “They can’t hear us.  They’re just being nice.”

By then, Curt had joined them onstage, with Flans introducing him, and getting the asked-for cheer when he told us they were about to play a new song, I Like Fun.  Watching them perform this, I noticed that Linnell has become a lot more confident with the contra alto clarinet since I first saw I Like Fun performed, which makes the song tighter and better-sounding overall.

The next song Flans introduced as being from September “awakening all of those fond September memories,”  and was, of course, Applause Applause Applause.  It was amazing! Marty got to use a whole lot of weird and wonderful sound effects on his electronic drums for it (bells, clicks, etc) and Curt’s trumpet sounded amazing in place of the sax on the dial-a-song version.

The last song of the Quiet Storm, introduced simply as being from Factory Showroom, was How Can I Sing Like A Girl.  Flans then reintroduced Curt as being on the trumpet AND the valve trombone, who began the intro to Istanbul downstage of Marty’s drum riser.  While he was blowing everyone away, Flans and Danny helped Fresh to move Marty’s electronic drums off the stage.  They finished with plenty of time to start Istanbul.  

As Curt returned to the drum riser, I noticed that his thumb was wrapped in gauze and secured with neon electrical tape.  I guess it made his a little clumsy, as he dropped his water bottle cap, which bounced off the riser out of his reach.  He looked at it for a moment, then shrugged and put the bottle down capless and continued with his part.  I hope it didn’t spill later on!

The song was capped off with two especially committed fake endings, the second one fooling me for a moment.  The final ending included a bit of Dan and Curt switching off lead, which is always one of my favorite concert moments.

Flans then moved upstage so they could do their phone call bit.  The phone ‘rang’ and Linnell apologized, saying he had to take it.  The call came from their new manager, Richard Face, who wanted to introduce himself.  

“Richard Face?” Linnell asked.

“That’s the name my mother gave me.”

“Your mother Mrs. Face?”

“MS. Face.  I was born in the 80s.” replied ‘Richard’

Linnell thought about that for a moment, then asked if his mother’s first name was Jerk.

“No.” was the only answer.

Linnell said he was glad to meet him, and then announced “our new manager!” to the audience.

‘Richard’ grumbled “I don’t know, I might sell your contract to Live Nation,” then ended the call.

The dial tone ended, and Linnell was about to move on, when the phone rang again.  Danny, from behind Linnell, looked over at Flans moved to sit on the edge of the drum riser, apparently deciding the bit might take awhile.

It was Richard Face once again. “Hello? Oh, that was a pocket dial.  I have to go buy a Chevy Volt.”  He said, and then the dial tone sounded once again.

Linnell chuckled, then explained “That was a call back to a conversation we had backstage.”

The phone rang once again.  This time ‘Richard’ was angry “I didn’t appreciate that comment about my mother.”

Linnell told him it wasn’t a comment at all, but “pure research” and the dial tone sounded again.  This time, Flans kept pressing and letting go of the button, so the sound stopped and started repeatedly.  “I don’t know if we’re done with this segment or not,” Linnell told us after it had gone on for a few seconds.  This prompted Flans to stop pressing the button and walk away to begin the next song.  After a few steps though, he stopped, looked over at Linnell, and reached back to press the dial tone one more time.  He moved away once again, and Linnell introduced the next song as “about an ancient near-eastern rock band that had a TV show on at 8:30/7:30 central when I was growing up.”  This, of course, led into The Mesopotamians, and from there straight into Why Does The Sun Shine?.

The song was going along with amazing energy, Danny was absolutely killing it, and Flans had the lyrics.  Then, it was time for Linnell to share the sun facts.  In the driest, slowest, most high-school-teacher drone, he began.  It was the funniest thing I had ever heard, especially in contrast to the loud, fast song.  I’ve forgotten bits of it because I was laughing too hard (and because it’s hard to sort between nights...shh).  The highlights:

“The sun i so hot that everything on it is a gas aluminum, uhhhh copper….metal, gas.  Gas is a gas on the sun.”

“It’s 93...miles away.  The sun is 93 miles away.”

“Scientists...they say they’re scientists”

“is caused by the nucleus.  That’s all I know.”

At the end of his last fact, it was clear everyone else on stage was waiting for him to say more.  He finally said, in that same, slow voice “I’m done.  You can play the rest of the song now.”

They did, and moved from there straight in to She’s An Angel, which started with just Linnell’s voice.  

After it was over Dan, who was on his acoustic, played a few chords.  Flans heard him and said “That’s right, we’re moving up the half step,” and they started into Number Three.  During the song, Flans almost smacked his guitar into Danny’s face!  He noticed at the last minute nad moved it out of the way, but it was a near thing.

Dan left the stage briefly while they played Don’t Let’s Start, then returned as they played Whistling in the Dark and Let Me Tell You About My Operation without pause.  Flans then went up to the mic and told us that it was almost the end of the show and that he had three stage announcements to make “Let’s see if I can remember them all.”  He ticked the announcements off on his fingers as he went. The first announcement was that “this next song is available for download at our website, which is 1-800 GOT JUNK.”  The second was that the IFC was open for the next few weeks.  Flans didn’t say much about it, telling us it was our responsibility to “do some digging.”  

The third wasn’t much of an announcement.  Flans asked for the house lights to be turned up so he could thank some people individually.  He thanked maybe 4 or 5 people, but the one that stands out is when he thanked the guy in a Science Is Real shirt.  Flans thanked him for supporting their political agenda, and then went on a rant pretending to be a guy who hates when bands went political.  It was muttered into the mic, tight and fast, and demanded that band “get in line and accept this dystopian hellscape that we life in,” and made an appropriate introduction to The Communists Have The Music, which is amazing live, and finished out the set.

They were back soon for the first encore.  They played Twisting, and then Flans told us it was time to introduce the band.  Curt, Dan, Danny, and Marty all were introduced and wowed us with their respective skill in turn.  I was really happy about this long-form introductions, because I felt like it really gave each of them a chance to shine.  After the introductions Linnell, who had been standing upstage on the far side of the drum riser, returned to the keyboard and said into the mic “You guys hurt my feelings!” The audience laughed, some cheered for him too, and one person shouted that we loved him as well.  “Not you guys,” Linnell responded indicating the crowd.

I believe it was here that the Johns discussed playing in Baltimore the next night.  Flans told us the name of the venue was “Curt Ramm’s Head Live.”  

Linnell added that they didn’t know if it was all just in Curt’s head, or if was a real place.  They would only know when they got there “And maybe not even then!”  They finished out the encore with the always beautiful End of the Tour, then left the stage.

As they came back on stage, Flans went straight up to the mic.  He told us they were playing in New York City on Saturday. He told us that they would play different songs at that show “but not too many,” and said that if we knew anyone on the other side of the state, we should tell them about it.  He then announced the next song as being by the band Cub, and about New York City.  After New York City, Flans announced the next song as being the b-side from their 1987 single and they ended the night with Hey Mr. DJ.

Before the house music had even switched on, Fresh was bringing the case of stickers on stage.  Marty, Danny and Flans all came out onstage.  Danny came over to me to shake my hand and say hello (he’s so nice!) before he joined Marty and Flans giving away stickers.

They didn’t have much luck.  Aside from those of us at the very front, most of the crowd left right away.  As things cleared out, Flans looked across the house at the people leaving and shouted “Hey!” trying to get them to come back and take their stickers.  I got a setlist from Danny and left, walking on air.

A brief, post concert note: After a bit of unpleasantness trying to leave, I finally got to my car.  As I stopped at the garage’s entrance, I saw Dan walking into the hotel across the street!

[thehuntersretreat]

Always

Title: Always

Verse: Further Interruptions

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist

Pairing: Roy/Ed

Summary: When life made him want to give in, give up, and just curl up and die, he remembered the man waiting for him.  The man who had given him a home and a family.

Author’s Note: Follows a month and a half after Grief.  Because @kzellr keeps giving me prompts :P  There will be many more after this. :P

Ed shuddered as he stumbled through the streets of North City.  It was too damn cold to be out that late at night but it wasn’t like he had a choice.  Fucking mutinous assholes.  

He nearly sobbed as he tripped over an uneven cobblestone and fell against the wall of the building beside him.  The wiring of his automail jarred and he bit his lip hard enough to bleed.  

Just a little further. A few more steps, right?  His arm might be busted up and he might be on his last leg, but he still had the ability to keep moving forward.  

All his life, that’s who he had been.  No matter what came for him, no matter what got in his way, Ed moved forward.  He pushed on.  He struggled when other people would give up.  He sacrificed and he kept going.

Now, when he had everything to live for, he could do no less.  He had to get home.  Alphonse would be worried about him.  His brother might not need him the way he used to, but they were still so much a part of each other’s lives.  Havoc joked that Alphonse was Mustang’s other husband because he was at their home so often.

Al would be worried. The team would be worried.

Ed had to get home.  

His kids needed him. Maes was brilliant and caring and too damn sensitive under all that bluster and he needed Ed to keep him in line because his bastard of a Dad would just bust out laughing every time Maes said something inappropriate and he’d become as foul mouthed as… well.. himself if he wasn’t there to stop it.

Tishy, his little Trisha, had her Dad so wrapped up in her fingers that the man couldn’t tell her no unless Ed was there to threaten to withhold sex.  She was their quiet genius, but also the mastermind in all their escapades, even if Ed couldn’t prove it.  

They needed him because Roy was a fucking mess without him.

Roy.

He needed to get home to his husband.  For all the years they’d fought, all the hard times, the sacrifices and the loss, for every bad memory they had shared, Roy had made sure to give him so many more night filled with laughter and warmth.  He was all the romantic gestures Ed hated to admit he loved.  When it was just them, he was goofy and funny and open and warm.  He was the one consistent in Ed’s life when everything else had turned murky.  

When Ed thought about insurmountable odds, he thought of a young Major, determined to take on the whole of Amestris to become its leader because he loved it so much.  When the nights were too dark, he remembered the despair in Mustang’s voice in the pit when the Truth had stolen his sight, who then rose from the ground and continued to fight a god he couldn’t even see.

When life made him want to give in, give up, and just curl up and die, he remembered the man waiting for him.  The man who had given him a home and a family.

So Ed grit his teeth and pushed off the wall and stepped forward again.  He was almost there.  He’d gotten free of his captors.  He just had to get to North Command and he’d be fine.

He stumbled again and fell to his knees.  He sobbed as pain wrecked his body but he tried to push himself back to his feet.

“Do you need help?”

A hand was on his arm before he heard the voice and Ed lashed out, wild and uncoordinated though it was.  He stumbled to push his back against the wall and he heard the harsh intake of breath from his attacker.

“Ed?”

Ed blinked through the pain and took a deep breath.  A moment later his vision cleared enough to see who was in front of him.

“Major Miles?”

“Ed, what happened?”

“I don’t think they were able to follow me,” he warned.

Miles was a Briggs man. He’d keep an eye on their surroundings in a way that Ed couldn’t right now.  Ed pushed off the wall again.  

“Where are you going?”

“North Command.  We’ll be safe there.  I need … I have to get back.”

“Ed?”

“I have to get back to Roy.”

Miles took his arm and helped Ed take a few more steps before Ed’s knees buckled completely.

“Damn it!  I have to get back!”

“Ed, calm down. Ed.  I’ll get you there.  Don’t worry. It’s going to be alright.”

Ed didn’t hear the rest.   Blood loss and exhaustion took their toll and he passed out in the middle of the sidewalk.

 **

 “Where is he?  Where the fuck is he?”

“Fuhrer Mustang, please”

Ed opened his eyes and turned his head towards the voice.  He was about to smile but everything hurt and the pain was too much.

“Ed!”  He was closer but not close enough.

Ed would have reached for him, except the blackness came again.

 **

 The next time he woke it was dark outside.  The curtains had been pulled back and the lights in the room were dim.  He still hurt, all over honestly, but it wasn’t take his breath – steal his consciousness kind of pain anymore.  That worried him because he’d either been out longer than he should be, or they were drugging him heavily.

He went to wipe at his eyes but someone was holding his hand.

He smiled before he even looked because there was only one bastard who’d be there right now.  

Ed pulled his hand free from Roy’s and reached over to touch his sleeping face.  There were dark circles under his eyes and he hadn’t shaved in a day or two from the amount of stubble Ed could see on his face.  When he ran the knuckles of his left hand over Roy’s cheek, his husband woke instantly.

“Gold?”

“Hey, Bastard,” his voice was scratchy and this throat hurt like hell.  He was alive though.  He’d made it back and that was all that mattered.

“Ed,” Roy sat on the edge of the bed and he lowered his head to rest his forehead against Ed’s temple. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“I’m not that easy to get rid of,” he teased.

“You were gone for two months.  There were no leads.  No one could find you.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.  Roy, I got away as quick as I could.”

“The doctors were worried about you for a while.  Alphonse came with me.  He did some healing but he was afraid to do too much.  They had to remove your arm.  When you’re better, we’ll take you to Winry to get it replaced.”

“That bad, huh?”

“The doctors couldn’t do anything for you.  If Alphonse hadn’t insisted on driving me from Central himself, I don’t know if he would have made it in time.”

“Good thing he did. Knowing the way you drive, you wouldn’t have made it at all.”

“Ed, this is not the time to joke.”

“I’m alive, Bastard. It’s always time to joke.”

Roy let out a sob that was trying really hard to be a laugh.  For him.  Because that was just who his husband was.

“Major Miles is taking on the investigation here in the North since he found you and witnessed an attack against you.”

“What?”

“You don’t remember?”

Ed shook his head. Miles had found him, he remembered that.

“While he was trying to bring you to the hospital you were attacked.  Luckily Miles had been late for his rendezvous with General Armstrong and she went to find him.  The two of them defeated their attackers, but none of them were left alive to question. They got you here.”

“Damn.  I hate owing that woman.”

“You love Armstrong.”

“I do, but I hate owing her anything.  She comes up with the craziest shit to make me pay her back.”

“I’ll pay her back. I’ll give her all of Amestris if she wants it.”

“Sap,” Ed said, but he pulled Roy’s face down and tilted his head up just right.  He pressed his lips to his husbands and ignore the feel of tears that traced down his cheeks.  Roy kissed him hard, his hand going into Ed’s hair to holding him close and Ed did his best to swallow the sobs that kept rising from his husband’s throat.  

 **

 There was a loud commotion outside the door and Ed blinked tired eyes at the sun coming in the window.

“Too much, Brother?”

Ed looked up as Al moved into his line of sight and smiled.

“It’s a little bright.”

Alphonse closed the curtains and Ed let out a deep breath.

“How are you feeling?”

“Good, I guess.  How pissed is Winry about my arm?”

“Pissed?  Brother, she’s grateful that something she crafted kept you alive.  She’s only pissed about the fact you needed it for something like that.  Roy told us what he could about the people who had you. You really can’t stay out of trouble, can you?”

“I was trying.”

“MAES!  No!”

Ed’s head jerked over towards the door and he looked back at Alphonse.

“He’s not going to let them in until I give him the okay,” Alphonse said.  “So, tell me how you’re really feeling.  On a scale of - need to sleep and eat it off for three days - to - or turn myself into a stone to heal myself - where are you?”

“Needs to see his husband and children immediately before he can begin worrying about himself.”

Alphonse smiled. “Okay, but when you start to get tired I’m kicking everyone but the Fuhrer out.”

“Hey!  What if I want to kick him out?”

“You can talk to Hawkeye. When I suggested he leave the hospital I thought she was going to shoot me.  He’s taken it bad, Ed.  He needs to be here almost as much as you do.”

Ed sighed.  “Yeah, so let me see him.”

Alphonse left the room and shut the door behind him quickly.  He couldn’t hear what was said but Ed took the time to prop himself up. It hurt like hell but he figured he could hide it better from the kids if he was upright.  Seeing him in the bed all prone and helpless wouldn’t help them.

Roy came in first and Trisha was in his arms.  It wasn’t a good sign that he was carrying her.  Normally she’d be at her brother’s side, unless she did something wrong and was trying to pout her way out of it with her dad.

Behind him, Alphonse came in with Maes.  Winry and Granny were behind them.

Roy came over and pressed a kiss to his forehead and Ed made a grab for their daughter.  Roy pulled back with a smirk.

“Keep your grabby hands to yourself.  This is my girl.”

The girl giggled in his arms and Roy handed her down to him.  She sat at the edge of the bed and stared at him.

“What’s the matter, Tishy?” he asked.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” she whispered.

Ed shook his head. “Come here, sweetheart,” he said as he pulled her in with his good arm.  He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and looked around for his son.  He’d moved and was hiding behind Roy’s leg. He looked at his husband with concern.

“Maes, come here,” Roy said as he picked his son up.  He went around to the other side of the bed and sat down beside Ed.

“I’ll be his other arm until Aunt Winry can get him a better one, alright?” he said to Maes.  

That seemed to be the problem and Maes threw himself at Ed just like Tishy had.  Roy pulled his feet up and leaned onto his side on the bed so he was facing Ed.  

“He wanted a hug.  I think he was waiting because you only have one arm right now.”

“What?”

“They’ve never seen you without your limbs, Ed.”

Ed closed his eyes because he hadn’t even thought about that.  No wonder his kids were freaked out.  They knew about Ed’s automail but they’d never seen him without a working body. “Good thing Winry keeps a spare for me,” Ed said, trying to keep his voice light.

He didn’t know what showed on his face, but Roy grimaced before he leaned in a pressed a kiss to his husband’s lips.

“Well, of course, you never let me tell them about the time you lost your arm when a fish mistook it for a fishing pole,” Roy said.

Ed looked at the man like he was crazy, but the Fuhrer was ignoring him as Maes shifted slightly to look back at him.

“It was a mess. Honestly.  But I told him not to decorate his arm with all that string, even if it was his birthday.  I don’t blame the fish for thinking he was a fancy fishing lure.”

“What happened?” Maes asked.

“Well, it jumped in the boat and bit him of course!”

Alphonse had come over to the foot of the bed and nodded.  “Bit his arm clear off,” his brother added.  “And it was a monster too.  I’ve never seen a fish this big.  It was bigger than a dog!”

“Bigger than your Father when I met him.”

“Hey!  Who you calling a-“

“But it bit his arm clear off and he refused to let me row us back in until he caught the thing.”

“They were on the boat all night!”

“No way,” Tishy said with a tiny smile on her face.

“What about the time he lost his leg to a bear!” Alphonse said.

Ed shook his head but when his brother and husband began to regale his children about all the total erroneous ways he’d lost his limbs, he couldn’t help but wonder at his luck. Tishy didn’t believe a word of it but she was caught up in the story telling the same as Maes.  Her brother looked back and forth though and Ed caught the question behind his eyes.  A question that Ed wasn’t ready to tackle anytime soon.

They didn’t know how he’d lost his limbs.  And they were getting advanced enough in their alchemy that he would have to tell them soon.  But not yet.

He looked over at Winry and Pinako who were both watching the kids and then he closed his eyes and listened to his husband and brother for a moment.

And realized what they were saying.

“Hey!  I did not get my arm stolen by a circus clown!”

And really, his brother was no help as he leaned forward.  “I’m sorry Fuhrer, but he’s right.  It was the animal tamer.”

 **

 An hour later his visitors were all forced out the door and Ed was able to relax again.  He’d kissed his kids a hundred times and Alphonse assured him they were fine.  General Armstrong had a home in North City that she was allowing them to stay in until they were ready to return home.  He’d be horrified if Alphonse didn’t tell him that she only offered to keep her brother from coming to show her how to offer proper accommodations to the Fuhrer’s family.

As much as Ed wanted to stay with the kids or keep them close, he knew he had to take care of himself now or they’d never let him out early.  He needed to get to Resembool and get his leg fixed and his arm replaced.  

The door opened to reveal his husband and Ed let out a soft sigh.

“They get on the road okay?”

“Yeah.  Maes wasn’t happy to leave but Tishy talked him around.”

“She’s pretty good at that. Sorta like her Dad.”

Roy let out a small laugh as he moved to the bed and crawl up beside Ed.  Ed turned into him and after a few minutes of shuffling, found himself with his head on Roy’s chest.

“You don’t have to stay. The kids need you.”

“The kids need to know that you’re safe.  They have Al and Winry and Pinako.  They’ll be fine.  Seeing you tonight was good for them.”

“I was worried about them.”

“I know you were.”  

It was silent for a few minutes as Ed thought back through the day and all his visitors.

“You’re a good father, Ed.”

“Tishy was scared of me tonight.”

“Not scared of you. Scared for you.  There is a world of difference in the two, My Love. Neither of the children are used to seeing you laid up.  It’s hard enough for me to see you sitting in a hospital bed.”

“You think you’d be used to it after all these years.”

Roy scoffed.  “Ed, I can’t remember a time when they didn’t have to tie you to a bed to make you stay.  The fact that you’re taking it so well this time terrifies me.”

“Paranoid.”

“Looking out for you. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Ed.”

“Don’t-”

“No.  Listen Ed.  I know you don’t like to hear this sort of thing, but I could barely function while you were missing.  A few days and I was worried, but it wouldn’t be the first time you missed a deadline reporting in because of some research, even if it hasn’t happen since we had the kids. A week and I was scared.  Two weeks and I couldn’t think about anything else. I’d called everyone I knew, called in every favor I had that would help me search for you.  And there was nothing.  

After a month, Alphonse came to live with me because I was falling apart.  He helped keep me together, but when the kids were asleep I was a mess.”

“Roy,”

“Don’t you dare do this to me again, Gold,” Roy whispered harshly.  

Ed looked up at him and he could see the tears in his husband’s eyes.  He could see the fear that still lingered there.  It echoed in him in so many ways.  Too many times over the course of their lives had they played with death.  Too many times they’d come close to losing one another.  Ed had been on the other side of this before.  When they’d been more than friends but not dating yet. Just… benefits.  Sex and alchemy and being able to talk to someone who understood what they’d each been through.  

He’d lost Roy for three months.  He still had scars he refused to talk about.  Ed knew why now.  Some of the marks Roy bore matched Ed’s now and he would never speak of the things they’d done to him.  When they were home, alone, Roy would see them and he would know and Ed would never have to say the words.

“I won’t,” he croaked out the words Mustang had given him so long ago and he could see the memory in his lover’s face.

Lies.  

Well-intentioned lies.

It was enough to mean them though.  Tonight, it was enough to say them and to know that no matter what happened, no matter what came at them, they were there for each other.  

“If something ever happened,” Ed felt Roy’s hands clench against his skin but he didn’t interrupt him. “You take Havoc up on his second wife theory.  You move Al in and you let him take care of the kids because it will help him too. And you deal with your shit.  And then you straighten your back, get back to the job, and you take care of our kids.  You got that?”

Roy nodded and Ed knew he meant it.  And Ed meant it too.  He’d do the same because their kids deserved the goddamned world, but neither of them would survive the other long with them to care for.  

“Ed,” Roy cupped his cheek softly and Ed wanted to tease him for the gesture but everything was just too raw right now.  “I love you.”

He pressed his lips up into his husband’s and was met with a small sob.  Roy pulled himself together though because the tears never fell and it was the last he felt from him.  When Ed looked back up, Roy was smiling slightly.

“Love you too, Bastard. Just remember, I’m always going to come back to you.  I promised years ago.”

He grabbed Roy’s hand and found his wedding ring and pulled it off his finger.  Engraved in the band was a simple promise.   Always coming home to you, Bastard.

There was a return promise on Ed’s even if he couldn’t pull it off without his other arm.  It simply said, Always yours, Gold.  

“Let’s get some sleep, Ed,” Roy said softly as he put his ring back on and settled with Ed against him. “The kids will be back when visiting hours start, or whenever they can convince Alphonse to sneak them in.”

“You think he will?”

“I think your brother isn’t above letting his niece and nephew manipulate him to get what he wants in the first place.”

Ed laughed at that and for the first time since he’d fought his way out of that hell hole, he finally felt like he just might be alright.

[radramblog]

Album Discussion: ANThology (or: A return to my roots)

Those who have been with this blog for the long haul, or who’ve scrolled down all the way to the first couple posts, may recall that there is exactly one “album discussion” that existed before the daily postings you now know and love. That was the original intent for Me Blogging Online: to do weekly reviews of albums I had on CD. Like, if I got one done a week, it’d only take….four years… to get through all of them. Of course, the only one that actually got uploaded was for Hard-Fi’s Stars of CCTV, which is still a pretty good album.

That is not the first one I wrote, however. The first I wrote is a post that never made it beyond my own eyes. Actually I think I sent it to like one person, but it wasn’t in a completed form. I don’t have convenient access to that review anymore- I’m certain I only saved it as a sticky note on a laptop that may or may not still work- but I sure do have access to the album.

The fact that I haven’t listened to it since might indicate how I feel about it. Because this week, we’re getting a blast from the past in more ways than one- it’s Alien Ant Farm’s ANThology.

God help us all.

I will give AAF credit for one thing- naming the first album Greatest Hits and second one Anthology is exactly the meta shit I like when it comes to album names. I’ve said for a while that if I was ever a musician, I’d name my first album “Self-titled Debut” and the second “Underwhelming Followup”. When I was younger and disliked electronic music as a whole (because I was an edgy teenager) I also thought having an electronic instrumental named “Oxymoron” would be quite funny.

I wouldn’t expect much more praise for them, I’m afraid. Because this album is painfully mediocre early 00s nu-metal, and this is coming from someone who likes that stuff. Our first track, Courage, feels like an offcut from a mid-level Limp Bizkit album- the instrumental is fine, but nothing outstanding, and…look, I don’t know if Dryden Mitchell is a nice guy in real life or not, but it’s kind of hard not to come for his ass here. Because he’s really not a great vocalist. A lot of nu-metal was kind of about being ugly and whiny, and my mans just doesn’t hit either angle. Too clean for the genre but not good enough to succeed despite that.

Our second track on the album is Movies, one of its three singles and by far AAF’s second most popular song. Don’t worry, we’ll get to the first one. This song feels much more like something you would hear on the radio back in the day- a cleaner version of the kind of sound these bands were known for, that’s acceptable enough for pop/hit stations to play. Because that was relevant in 2001, and I mean that without sarcasm. Honestly, I remember being kinda harsh on this song when I last listened to the album, but it’s mostly just…inoffensive. The lyrics are romantic in a painfully cheesy way, and the performance and instrumental are both functional at the level of a 00s rock track. It’s just…really forgettable. Its blandness is kind of its downfall, I’m afraid.

Speaking of blandness, I kinda have to skip the next few tracks. Because there is just so little to take from them. Flesh and Bone (Track 3) is at least trying to do something a bit more interesting in the instrumentation in the verses, with this staggered, staccato bit which isn’t bad, but lets it all go in the verse/bridge. Much like Courage felt like an unreleased LB track, Whisper (Track 4) has a bit of a Deftones vibe, but it just makes me want to listen to Around the Fur again Or just loop My Own Summer, because that song fucks, much unlike this album’s 5th track, Summer. And I have actual nothing to say about Sticks and Stones (Track 6). I always feel bad when I’m jumping through songs like this, but this is a genre I actively like, and yet these songs still manage to blend together into a generic sludge.

So we’re going to reach the second single, Attitude. I actually really like the guitar melody this song opens up on, and the way it cuts back into just drums to begin the first verse. Genuinely, the instrumentation on this song is simple, trying to suit the more low-mood of the track, and it actually works. Unfortunately, considering it’s trying to be a more lyrics-driven, emotional track, this is where Dryden’s delivery really lets the whole thing down. If you don’t mind me ruining this entire album: he does a thing where he ends a lot of lines with a little “-ah”, and it’s really noticeable in this track’s chorus. And it gets extremely grating when you notice it. I’d genuinely like to hear a cover of this song, because I do think the non-vocal aspects are solid (well maybe the lyrics are a bit shite), but as it is, I can’t say I give this one a pass.

My plan was to cut ahead to the third and final single on this album, but there’s another song on here that randomly has more listens than Attitude despite not being a single- Track 9, Wish. You weren’t missing much on Track 8. Wish is at least an excuse to say another nice thing about this album and band- they’re clearly trying to do a bunch of different things within the space of the album. The guitarwork on Wish’s verses has that chugging tone reminiscent of System of a Down, and the track as a whole is definitely one of the better ones. The…bridge? I think? Is kind of godawful, though, if I’m honest. This is a track that I think needed a couple extra passes, and could have been great if it got them, but as it is is just kind of eh.

So all of this begs the question. Why the fuck am I talking about this album? I mean, it’s because it’s the first album I really ever wrote about, but beyond that- why did I write about it all that time ago? I think it actually might have been two years ago, when I decided to do that, and since then I’ve learned a lot about how I like to write about music, what music I like to write about, et cetera. But when I first started, I didn’t have a fucking clue what I was doing, I was basically doing things on a whim. So why this album? Why Anthology?

Well, that’s because of Track 12, which I guarantee you’ve heard before. And if you haven’t, then I’m so, so fucking glad I get to introduce you to this.

That’s right, these guys are the ones who did the Smooth Criminal cover. And they own that shit. It’s the most popular song they’ve ever done by an order of magnitude, two orders more popular than the album as a whole, and the one-hit-wonder that brought them up and brought them low.

The difference between this cover and the rest of the album is utterly jarring. Smooth Criminal was always a very good, very funky song, but this translation has such an incredible bouncy energy that it’s hard not to get into it. And I can tell you right now that nothing else on the album sounds like this. It’s kind of surprising- like you’d think a band’s one cover would be roughly in the same style as the rest of their work, but while this is undoubtedly a Nu Metal Smooth Criminal, it just has a power and swagger about it that would have been lovely to see for the rest of it.

I guarantee if you’ve heard of this band it’s because of this cover. It’s how I knew about them. If you want a more big-brain analysis of the whole thing, probably check out Todd in the Shadows’s video about the track, because it’s better researched and more nuanced from someone with more music knowledge than I. But what I can tell you is that it’s clearly the best track on the album, and it’s not particularly close.

And that’s the album. Well, no it isn’t, there’s still Universe and the bonus track, one of the few I can remember where Spotify doesn’t just separate it out from the last song. Universe is actually pretty okay, surprisingly grim-sounding which I do like, and the hidden song (“Orange Appeal”) kinda sounds like a remix of something from the Left 4 Dead 2 soundtrack. But It might as well be the end of the album. Like, Smooth Criminal is why we’re all here, right? I suppose putting it so close to the end was a good move to make people actually listen to the album, but you do risk people zoning out through the album’s dregs.

Anthology is kind of the ur-example of a one hit wonder band’s album that…kind of deserved it. A lot of the time, you find a one hit wonder, and it’s like dang, they’ve actually got some really good stuff that deserves time in the spotlight (e.g. The Veronicas, The Raconteurs arguably Franz Ferdinand), but Alien Ant Farm…kind of aren’t one of them, based on this. I think it is extremely telling that the most recent output by the band- a 2020 single that’s the first new music from them since a 2015 album that isn’t even on Spotify- is another cover, of Wham!’s Everything She Wants. It’s decent? Like, better than most of Anthology easily.

The long and short is, you can probably miss this album completely with the exception of Smooth Criminal and be completely fine. Even if you are into this genre, you can probably miss it, unless you’re really hunting for new material. It’s a forgettable album, unfortunately, which isn’t great when it contains your one hit track.

And yet I think this is still less harsh than I was the last time I wrote about this record. I remember jumping around a lot more, and going in way harder on the vocals. I remember slagging off the actual album cover and lyrics booklet (it’s real bad!), because the idea was I was talking about the whole CD package as well as the music. But I also remember not having as much to compliment, so I suppose maybe I’ve matured a bit. I’d like to think that. Maybe at some point I’ll try and dig up the old original ramble, but for now, I’m happy for this to be my final word on Alien Ant Farm.

[kaitkerrigan]

SAY THE WORD - Writing New Lyrics to Old Songs and Writing Music First

You would think this would be a romantic episode of “Behind the Lyrics” but no, this is a funny one, a technical one. But before we get to that, let’s tarry for a little while on the melody of “Say the Word”, which is really the star. 

Some songs start with a chorus or a stanza or a lyric. Some start with a hook - a title - a phrase that defines the whole song. A hook isn’t just the lyric. It can be, but generally it’s more than that. It’s a small packet of emotional information: words and music that are the keystone to the rest of the song. 

We had that: “Say the word.” And then Brian sent me music - verse music and chorus music. I think the bridge came later. Listen: 

http://kaitandbrian.bandcamp.com/track/say-the-word-instrumental

Wait, no, don’t skip this part. Listen:    

http://kaitandbrian.bandcamp.com/track/say-the-word-instrumental

It’s important that you listen to it without lyrics, that you don’t know what the lyrics might become for a moment, because that’s what I experienced when I first listened to this melody, the melodic shift to “say the word” from the verse. I remember crying the first time I heard it. 

I’m no sap. That doesn’t happen often - especially not before we have worked out the whole song - but it happened here. And I must say, I was intimidated by it. This was one of the first songs I was writing lyrics for in The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown. I was still a freshman lyricist. I hardly knew what I was doing. I couldn’t really write lyric first. I needed the structure of the music to contain me. I still prefer writing music first.   

But this music intimidated me. It was good and more than that, it was spare. I struggled. I tried to find something that worked but I couldn’t work out the grammar. Did you know that a lot of lyric writing is about grammar? It’s about knowing what kind of sentence you can write. It’s about whether you’re writing a question, or using a string of participles. I was a born grammarian. It’s been an asset. 

Finally, Brian and I decided we’d write a dummy lyric to it together. This is something we’ve often done, but rarely so exactly. I often follow the grammar we find in a dummy lyric. Sometimes Brian will write a lyric along with his music and I’ll replace every word but the grammatical contours will remain. Why? Because sung music implies grammar, especially sentence breaks. Following that phrasing in your lyric often makes you make more interesting and beautiful choices.   

I’m stalling. Can you tell? I don’t want you to read our dummy lyric (because of course I remember it. It was good enough that I remember it). Can I just say that the grammar of my real lyric follows the contours of our dummy lyric exactly? I’ll give you one more hint. The dummy lyric is supremely on the nose. Sam wants to have sex with her boyfriend. She’s been having difficulty blurting that out. In our dummy lyric, she really blurted that out. Nothing coy about it.   

I can’t tell you the dummy lyric because if I write it here you will ever unsee it and you will never have the pure sweet love for this song that you have now. I’m sparing you. Have I said too much? I’ve said too much. 

None of this was the question I was asked by @AmeliaBell28 on Twitter. She asked why we changed the lyric from “loving you should be easier” to “let me go if it’s easier” and I’m so glad she did.   

“Loving you should be easier” always sat with me wrong. 

Years ago, a very famous actor who was singing the song pointed out that it should be “loving me should be easier” and that stuck with me. That didn’t feel quite right but it felt more right than what I had written (as this sophomoric beginner’s-lucky lyricist). But it’s spare AF and the melody requires something concrete and broad at the top of the sentence. Most sentences start with “I” or “you” or “last night” or something like that. But I needed something like “loving you” or “Saturday” or “better days”. And I needed whatever I did to lead into “but say the word, and I might have to stay.”   

You’re me. Here’s what you’ve got.   

Say the word and I just might listen.  Say the word and you might get your way.  _ _ _,* _ _ _ _ _ but say the word,  And I might have to stay. 

(*comma added to indicate phrasing) 

This is literally what I stared at for weeks in the lead up to our workshop in the spring of 2016, cursing myself from a decade earlier for having squeezed myself into this box. I’m going to try to find another lyric for it right now as I write this and I’ll share the ways I narrowed down my options.   

I was scared but now - Doesn’t work because you can’t say “but” or anything that negates the 2nd half of the clause because it’s part of a larger clause. That rules out the 4th word being but, since, or; you’ll end up in a run on. 

All my life, I’ve been holding back but say the word, - Success! 

The grammar is good! “All my life” feels iconic enough for the music; it feels repeatable. Don’t forget how many times we’ll hear this exact lyric. But has she been holding back? Does that make any sense? Not really. Still, this is good grammar. It’s possible to understand what she’s talking about enough to know she’s not making sense, which is a positive development.   

So then I think to myself: I need some kind of island phrase that’s three syllables and that leads easily and truthfully to “but say the word”. Everything she’s been saying is a command - a sort of coy command, but command all the same. (You) say the word. I’m not going to say it.   

In lyrics, we talk a lot about parallel structure: 

Let me be your ride out of town.  Let me be the place that you hide. We can make our lives on the go.  Run away with me.   

There are two kinds of parallel structure in that lyric. The first (bolded) is the more obvious kind. It’s when you have two lines (or more) in a row that start with the same words. It can be incredibly effective. It follows the contours of what the music is doing (repetition of motif) and insists upon something. The second (italicized) is a bit more subtle but it does train your ear. Three out of four of those lines are not statement of fact but commands - something the character wants.

The same is true for “Say the Word” but she’s less insistent. She’s more seductive. I looked at the whole chorus: 

Say the word, and I just might listen. Say the word, and you might get your way. _ _ _,* _ _ _ _ _, but say the word, And I might have to stay. 

And the grammar is actually pretty complex. Compare it to

Let me be your ride out of town. [NEW THOUGHT] Let me be the place that you hide. [NEW THOUGHT] We can make our lives on the go. [NEW THOUGHT]  Run away with me. 

There’s an if/then proposal being made by Sam. Essentially, “if you say that you want me to be here with you, I might listen and give you what you want. [BLANK] but if you say what you want, I might stay here.” 

So that missing line takes on enormous import. It’s the thing that’s holding them back. My box got narrower and narrower. I liked the word “easier”, which fit so effortlessly on the music (it was part of our infamous dummy lyric even) and I became convinced that the complexity of the grammar meant that it would be easier to follow with a command at the top of that line. That left me with:  

Say the word, and I just might listen. Say the word, and you might get your way. COMMAND,* if it’s easier, but say the word, And I might have to stay. 

“Let me go” wasn’t the first idea that I had but it was the truest idea. There’s something poetic and simple about talking about either staying or going. It’s not about love. It’s about action. Do you want me to stay? Or do you want to let me go?   

I wish I could say that when I hit that lyric, I felt a sense of relief but I actually sweated out the workshop and the production. Brian didn’t say, “I like the new lyric” until we’d already started performances of The Mad Ones off-Broadway. Once we opened, a few other people came up to me and mentioned the new lyric. That’s actually nuts. It’s one line of an unproduced show. I knew I was right to be nervous. If I got it wrong, people would actually notice.   

I also knew from experience, that hearing a new lyric when you know an old one is jarring. I vividly remember hearing Ragtime in the theater after hearing only the concept album and being incensed by some of the changes. There was a different lyric written into the liner notes of Miss Saigon from the one on the recording for the now very dead “It’s Her or Me” / “Now That I’ve Seen Her” - two songs with the exact same melody and entirely non-overlapping lyrics. The same was true for portions of Beauty and the Beast. There’s several in Ragtime. These drove me absolutely crazy. My loyalty to the lyric I heard first knew no bounds. I never thought the second lyric was better. Now as a lyricist myself, I know that in general, they sing less well and make more sense. And often they’re the product of producer notes. 

Of course, I was in danger of the same error, the same failure to fans of the show, so I was shy about debuting this lyric change - small though it was - but I felt very strongly that I had to do it now before we might have a chance to record it or license it for posterity. So I tried to make sure that I wrote something truthful (yes) but also (I hope) just as fun to sing as “loving you”, which was always so weird. Why was loving him hard? Why should love be easier? What does that even mean???   

Does it make it better if I apologize to any of the purists among you? I see you. I hear you. I. Am. You. If Tony Kushner touches a hair on the head of Caroline, or Change, I will cut him. But “loving you should be easier” drove me nuts. I couldn’t let that baffling lyric live. I hope you will pardon me.   

For anyone who came to this post hoping that I had something profound to say about the in-show context, I’m sorry (more apologies). The context is simple. Sam wants to have sex with her boyfriend. She has a hard time talking about it. Finally, she drops trou’ and throws herself at him. He thinks that’s pretty weird. She concedes and finally opens up and sings this.*

*with one minor lyric change... :) 

[betterdaysareatoenailaway]

Out on the Interstate: S’more Thoughts on Neil Young

I don’t have any fentanyl stories today, so I’m writing another Neil Young post. (Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to mention heroin. You’ll see.) I still have a ton of fent stories, don’t worry bout that. I just don’t feel like mining my memory for any right now. Instead, I wanna talk about my favourite Neil Young song ever. It’s called “Interstate.” This performance was recorded at Farm Aid 1985. Young’s backing band at the time were called the International Harvesters, which is a funny joke (International Harvester was a company that manufactured tractors and other agricultural equipment). Young was on a roll in the 80s with clever band names. Later on he would front Neil Young & the Restless. Anyway whoever is playing piano with Young was the perfect choice, plucking individual keys instead of slathering big chords all over the descending minor chord progression. Young’s guitar is tuned to drop D, a favourite tuning of his throughout his career, from “Cinammon Girl” to “World On A String” to “Be the Rain,” and you can hear the low D buzzing throughout, giving the song a raw off-the-cuff feel. Of course, Neil Young is known for his raw performances, especially on albums like Tonight’s the Night, but by the time the 80s rolled around he was making albums with a lot of processing and production like Landing on Water, along with silly genre exercises like Everybody’s Rockin’ and Old Ways. 

Young would eventually be sued by his own record label, Geffen, for making “uncharacteristic music.” David Geffen would eventually apologize to him, but he wasn’t wrong that Young’s early 80s records were a bit of a disaster. This performance, however, shows that Young hadn’t lost a single step when it came to live performance. His vocal is clear and convincing, world weary but still kinda defiant, like all his best songs. And whether those are real or synth strings, they sound great, and really tug at one’s heartstrings. They have the spook, that high lonesome train whistle feel. To my ears, all the best Neil Young songs are haunting and plaintive. There is a loneliness at the heart of most of Young’s best work (ever hear “Albequerque”? Prolly the saddest song to ever mention the eating of ham?) Neil Young doesn’t write carefree party music. Hell, he once recorded an entire album about the death of his friend and former bandmate Danny Whitten - and to a lesser extent, former roadie Bruce Berry who was fired for pawning instruments to buy heroin...told ya I’d find a way to mention the drug ;). What I’m saying is, Young is no stranger to sad songs. As to which song is his saddest, there are many contenders, but as Young’s biographer himself admits, “Interstate is Neil Young’s loneliest song.” I agree.

Young’s longtime producer David Briggs, who knew damn well that “Interstate” was a rare gem, tried to get Young to record it for 1991′s Ragged Glory, but in typical fashion, “[Young] acceded, but perversely,” eschewing the full-band format and recording a solo acoustic version instead. That particular version would eventually see limited release on the vinyl version of Young’s 1996 album Broken Arrow, a forgettable affair that was hammered by critics and disavowed by most members of Crazy Horse. You can find the solo acoustic “Interstate” on YouTube but I’m not gonna post it, simply because it is so freakin’ disappointing. 

I love the line “I can hear a soft voice calling...telling me to bring my guitar home.” In the tradition of the Rolling Stones’ “Moonlight Mile,” "Interstate” is one of the all-time great I’m-A-Lonely-Rock-Star-On-Tour song. A more modern version of this idea can be found in Kurt Vile’s unimaginatively titled “On Tour,” a song where Young’s influence can be identified, especially in the way Vile tunes his lower strings to let them buzz, a technique pioneered by Young in the abovementioned song and most prominently in “Bandit.”

Thank God for YouTube, so that you can hear "Interstate” in all its gorgeous majesty. You can hear Young play the same guitar solo he’s been playing his whole career in minor key masterpieces like “Hey Hey My My,” “Like A Hurricane,” “Goin’ Home,” “Be The Rain.” Every time Young returns to it, you can feel the long shadow of his past, echoes of former greatness, the shambolic glory of his band bashing away at the chords, always emphasizing emotional delivery over technical proficiency. It’s a really really beautiful song, a song I treasure, and I hope you like it.

I’m also posting a rare version of “Shots.”

In “Shots,” Neil Young returns to a technique previously used on “Cortez the Killer,” where he switches from a third person omniscient voice describing trauma and violence to a first person voice describing personal emotion. In Zuma’s “Cortez the Killer,” Young spends two or three verses describing the endeavours of genocidal explorer Hernan Cortes, and also the Aztecs: people worked together/they lifted many stones/they carried them to the flatlands/they died along the way/but they built up with their bare hands what we still can’t do today/and I know she’s living there and loves me til this day. Now, that’s not Shelley, but it’s an effective and jarring switch. Young tries it again in “Shots,” and for me, the effect is even better. For whatever reason, maybe his sharp right turn when he became an outspoken Reagan supporter, or maybe because of the Iran-Contra Affair, Young’s lyrics took on a particular preoccupation with crime, border zones, and desert iconography in the 1980s, manifestations of which can be heard in “Crime in the City (Sixty to Zero Part I)” “Rockin’ In the Free World,” “On Broadway,” and “Eldorado,” all songs that ended up on Young’s last album of the 1980s, Freedom. But because of the remarkable internal consistency of Young’s discography, you can also hear such sentiments in one of his first 1980s releases: “Shots.”  Children are lost in the sand, building roads with little hands Trying to join their father's castles together again Will they make it? Hey, who knows where or when old wounds will mend?  Shots ringing all along the borders can be heard  Striking out like a venom in the sky  Cutting through the air faster than a bird in the night  But I'll never use your love, you know I'm not that kind And so if you give your heart to me I promise to you Whatever we do...that I will always be true To jump from depictions of border violence to gooey Hallmark card sentiments shouldn’t work, yet it does. The words might look silly written down, but the sheer conviction they are sung with, and the sheer power of Young’s loon-like vibrato, is what sells them, at least to my ears and heart. I’m not the first to make the loon comparison, Young’s biographer Jimmy McDonough has done so too. Young’s father Scott was the first writer to compare his son’s unique voice to the sound of the loon cry, a very Canadian sound, associated with Muskoka nights in summer, nights often soundtracked by Young’s vast and varied discography.

Disappointingly, the album version of “Shots,” which appeared on 1981′s Re-ac-tor, is pretty fuckin annoying, with its overblown machine gun affects (done by Young on the Synclavier), and Ralph Molina’s incessant marching beat. The song is already called “Shots,” Neil. You didn’t have to add machine gun sound effects. This isn’t audio verite. I’m not gonna post the album version here but you can find it easily. The album iteration has its fans though. Canadian blue-collar rockers The Constantines would cover “Shots” on a vinyl-only release with The Unintended, in which the Cons covered Neil Young and The Unintended covered Gordon Lightfoot. The Cons picked some weird songs, “Shots” among them, and you can tell they are referencing the Re-ac-tor version, not the superior one posted here. I’m not sure why Young slathered so many effects over the album version of “Shots.” The 80s definitely saw him taking his heavier music in an unpalatable direction. The Eldorado EP, in particular, has one of his most savage recordings ever, a song called “Heavy Love” where Young blows his voice out completely by the end of the song in an attempt to sing louder than the savage pulsing thrust of the band (the abovementioned Young & the Restless). The drummer on Eldorado was Chad Cromwell, not Steve Jordan who’d played with Young on his legendary SNL appearance where he played “Rockin in the Free World,” the definitive performance of that song, where Young tore all six strings from his guitar at its denouement. Unfortunately, SNL guards its content as jealously as a rabid guard dog, so I can’t post it. Maybe one day I’ll find a gif. I’ll leave you with two strong cuts from Eldorado. The first is “Heavy Love,” which is obviously a sister song to “Rockin In The Free World,” with its similar sonic texture and E minor riff. Listening is worth it just to hear Young’s voice go to pieces a la “Territorial Pissings” at the end (3:58 if you don’t wanna wait).

And this is the title track “Eldorado,” which ended up on Freedom. Young employs a fingerpicking style redolent of 80s megastars Dire Straits, and he sings of mission bells and senoritas and golden suns rising on runways and Mariachi bands while playing the A minor chord, a chord strongly associated with Mexican music and Mariachi styles. It’s a cool verite approach, one that works much better than the machine gun effects of “Shots,” especially when the gun violence Young has been hinting at the entire song finally explodes in a shower of distortion at 4:40. Have you ever heard something so loud compared to the backing track? I remember showing “Eldorado” to my friend/bandmate James, and I told him to prepare himself for how loud it is. Afterwards, James said, “even though I was ready for it, that scared the shit out of me.” It is so fucking loud. Check it out @ 4:40. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

One last point I’ll make...the Spanish-influenced guitar lick you can hear at 1:06 is really similar to the pre-chorus guitar riff Young plays on “War of Man” from Harvest Moon. I don’t consider stuff like that to be self plagiarism. I think it shows a consistency, but also it’s a way to reward fans for paying attention. Frank Zappa was known to do the same thing, re-introduce little musical nuances he’d recorded years or decades before. It’s cool. It’s what makes a discography live on long after the artist has burnt out or faded away. If you’re interested, here is a wonderful live early version of “Eldorado” titled “Road of Plenty” recorded with Crazy Horse in 1986: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By6_oLYfrYk

[owlyouth]

Films: The Best Films of 2019 So Far (January-April)

These are the films i’ve seen so far this year, ranked. There are a couple which aren’t from 2019, but almost none from before 2017. 

I’ve left out a couple that are either rewatches (Reservoir Dogs) or old classics i’ve never got round to watching before (Three Colours: Blue).

See what you think.

The Favourite / Palace intrigue, absurdist costumes, comedy and insane dialogue this film was fun in the smartest and most rewarding ways possible. A completely entertaining and self-contained original script that seemed perfectly tempered by its long gestation and edits from different authors. (Award for Best Wigs and the Word ‘Cuntstruck’)

Beast / This film is the most twisted, non-twisted film. Like being gently stroked by someone you don’t trust only to have a bucket of gravel thrown over your head. Never has a film’s title hovered over it so emphatically and in such a way that it gives it an extra dynamic poetics. Both the leads hold the camera in frightening and surprising ways throughout. Strangely similar to Burning and Gone Girl. Also the better of the two Jessie Buckley films on this list. (Award for being like Gone Girl, but British and Better)

Us / Better than Her, You, and Them, this was just as good as almost everyone said. A truly great genre film that held its audience with a Jordan Peele stranglehold that is unrivalled in mainstream cinema. The film seemed to suffer with audiences in some cases, but only because they were comparing it to Get Out. Both are exceptional, I don’t have a favourite, but while it’s an inevitable comparison, it also makes no sense, they are both two of the best films of the last few years. (Award for Best Film to Watch in the Cinema)

Wind River / This was also a great genre film, but where Us made you grab your chair, Wind River trusts you to navigate along with it in a way that’s slow, careful and methodical. I found this incredibly engrossing, similar to Winter’s Bone in some ways, and my favourite of the frontier trilogy written by Taylor Sheridan - the other two are Sicario and Hell or High Water. (Award for Best Nick Cave Humming Soundtrack)

You Were Never Really Here / This film from the maker of We Need To Talk About Kevin and Ratcatcher is just as dark as its predecessors. It is also a very self-contained story of a hitman rescuing a girl from high-powered brothel. Not for the faint hearted, but incredibly engrossing and just a great gut-punch of a film. (Award for Best Taxi Driver Remake)

Leave No Trace / I just watched this one and while I didn’t love it as much as Mark Kermode (it was his favourite film of last year), I did love the length of time you got to spend with the characters. A father and daughter living out in the woods, have to navigate changes; films with this little content make you realise how jam-packed most mainstream films are, and how little the extra stuff really adds. The sense of the outside and of alienation from mainstream society slowly sinks in so that by the end, I felt a bit surrounded by all the stuff in my room. (The Kelly Reichardt Award for film without much of a Conventional Plot)

Burning / This is based on a Murakami short story, is also a slow-moving film. It reminded me of The Square, but where that film’s downward spiral feels like walking through warm mud, this feels like a breeze. An interesting and kind of awe-inspiring breeze. The dread in this is so well measured and balanced, the tone through the whole thing works perfectly and the performances are incredible. (Award for Best Hobby)

Jellyfish / This is a heartbreaking film about a 15-year-old girl in Margate who - due to an absentee dad and a mum with mental health and substance abuse problems - is trying to care for her two younger siblings and her mum, while keeping up with school and a job. Liv Hill is completely engaging and manages to look exactly as young as a 15-year-old and as old as someone with so much on their shoulders. The film is incredibly low budget and honest and the stand-up comedy (you heard me) that the main character performs as an escape is also brilliant. (Award for Most Supportive Teacher)

Fighting With My Family / From the low budget to the high. I’m not sure why I enjoyed this film so much, it’s a pretty straightforward feel-good film about a rags-to-riches wrestler. Based on a priceless Channel 4 documentary and directed by Stephen Merchant for maximum Norwich-girl-in-Los-Angeles comedy it is equal parts silly and warm, and it left a lump in my throat. (Award for Most Generic Regional Accents)

Ruby Sparks / This is slightly older than the other films on this list (2012), but i’d forgotten how good it was until I watched Wildfire and was reminded about Zoe Kazan and Paul Dano (see more at no. 17). Anyway it is a great feminist read on the idea of the female muse and tortured male author. In one sentence: a successful writer’s new character suddenly appears in his house, and other people can see her too. It’s got the feel of a Charlie Kaufman film, but without the self-hatred. (Award for Best Antonio Banderas Cameo)

Wild Rose / Another heart-warmer here, but with some grit thanks to the relationship between Julie Walters and Jessie Buckley. The film has a strange tonal shift at the end where every imaginable loose end gets resolved, which is a shame because the rest of it is understated and down-to-the-ground. (Award for Best Mince)

Spiderman: Into the Spider Verse / This one went under a lot of people’s radars. An animated film with the closest visual style to actual graphic novels ever, it is fun and funny, though I wasn’t all that invested by the end. Lots of people said that it surprised them, which had me expecting something more surprising, still lots of laughs and visually awesome. (Award for Best Psychedelic Fight to the Death, and Best Pig Spider)

Green Book / This film suffered massively for having won the Best Picture Oscar. If it weren’t for that we could have celebrated the good bits and not have to dissect it as The Symbol of Racial Retrenchment in Hollywood. There’s an argument to say that the film needs that kind of dissection either way, and I agree, but the positives in here - the lead performance from Mahershala Ali in particular - are worth celebrating, a little. (Award for Best Film with ‘Book’ in the Title)

The Spy Who Dumped Me / This is silly fun, but also one long car chase. A film that belongs on Netflix. Kate McKinnon is always hilarious, but it’s still jarring to watch SNL-style-sketch-acting in a film. (Award for Best Uber Ride) 

Dumplin’ / ‘With the best will in the world’ should be the tagline for this film. It makes sense that this sits on Netflix forever, for that day when you and your mates want to watch something without thinking about anything. But it is also not as good as similar films. See Little Miss Sunshine for further details. (Award for Best Jennifer Aniston Vehicle)

Three Identical Strangers / A documentary that got a lot of hype -  identical triplets who only discovered each other’s existence in their late teens, became minor celebrities and then find out about how they were separated at birth. The story is incredible, but is told in a pretty plain way and by the end I was wondering why I was interested. (Award for Best Kvetching)

Hell or High Water / This is the weakest of Taylor Sheridan’s frontier trilogy (with Wind River and Sicario coming in first and second respectively for me) but it is still a good story well told. It is the story of two bank robbing brothers out to raise enough money for one of them to look after his kids. For me the two central performances didn’t work, Chris Pine is wooden (sorry) and Ben Foster is irritating as the more erratic brother. Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham to drag the film into some deeper and more interesting place. (Award for Best Car Switching Technique)

Wildlife / I had high hopes for Wildlife after enjoying Ruby Sparks a lot, Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan co-wrote this and Paul Dano directed as well. While this kind of sad, simmering story might have been carried by grand naturalistic symbolism when Terrence Malick was at his height (not now, but check out Days of Heaven), this film seems to be dragged by actors all too aware that they're in a film directed by an actor. (Award for film most like an American Novel from the 1950s)

Unicorn Store / This film is a mess. It only goes above Crazy Rich Asians because of the sweet relationship between Brie Larson and Mamoudou Athie, which feels like the kind of romance that can only happen in a film with such low stakes. (Award for Having a Film with no Script Supervision)

Crazy Rich Asians / While celebrating the victory for representation of an all-Asian mainstream romantic comedy, this is still a pretty depressing film to watch. It is clearly not a film made for me, but I also think there are films made for other audiences which have more skill, with less annoying people, and don’t seem to celebrate money quite so much. Yes to the representation, this Awkwafina music video, and Ken Jeong eating spicy chicken wings. No to the rest. (Award for Most Watery Walk Down the Aisle)

[incorrectmlpquotes]

I watched My Little Pony: Equestrian Girls (2013)

Or: This wasn’t what I signed up for when I started watching this show, but now I’m suckered in.

If I was better at planning things, I would have started with this review. But, here we are.

Some history As stated previously, I was not exactly excited to watch the Equestrian Girls movie (mainly because this commercial still haunts my nightmares). It was a lot better than I had expected, but that doesn’t mean it does;t have flaws. Lots and lots of flaws. The biggest of which being: this feels like fan fiction. Now, let me elaborate: I have seen a lot of people compare works to fan fiction implying that it’s bad or poorly written. That is not at all true or fair. Fan fiction can be complex and well-written and way more interesting than a lot of published fiction. But there are certain thing s a writer can get away with in fan fiction that doesn’t work in other writing. For example, in stories based on, say, a popular tv show, you don’t need to go into detail about a character’s appearance or characteristics because the reader already knows all of those details. A good writer uses a pre-established world and people to get right to the meat of a story and explore other aspects of them. That would be fine, except this movie was intended to be a back-door pilot to a new show.  Let that sink in: they wanted to take a familiar and complex universe with a unique premise and make a high school au. 

The high school au is actually an easy to understand phenomenon. The advice most given to young writers is “write what you know.” I’m not going to discuss whether or not this is good advice, but it does explain a few things. The average age for fan fiction writers is 12-20. What do people in this age know a lot about? The building they spend eight hours a day, five days a week for sixteen years sitting in, thinking about tv shows. Why shouldn’t they write bout their favorite characters doing the same? The problem arises when Hollywood executives who haven’t been in a high school for thirty years decide to screw up a simple concept by taking your favorite characters and using every high school cliche in the book. They do that so often in this movie, I made a bingo game for it. Feel free to play along:

Enough stalling, to the movie:

The film starts with the princess summit. If you didn’t see the (I can’t believe I’m writing this) controversial season three finale where resident brainiac Twilight Sparkle becomes a princess alicorn, too bad. This is not explained and will be a pretty important plot point. It is nice that they give some brief characterization at the beginning, but they don’t say the other Mane Six’s names. Didn’t this come out in theaters? A movie- even one based off a tv show- should provide this information so if someone who’s never seen the show watches it, they can understand the references. The Rugrats movies did it, the Wild Thornberrys movie did it,  and this movie should have done it.

Perchance could this hooded figure that’s creeping about after dark be a villain? Meet Sunset Shimmer. She was Princess Celestia’s  pupil who went rogue after her desire for great power overtook her good nature. Sound familiar?

No? Good

Ah plot contrivances . I understand that these are the bedrock to most movies based in magical universes, but it shouldn’t make me think “how convenient” every five minutes. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if it were actually explained what a moon means. They have days. They have months. They have years. HOW LONG IS A MOON? EXPLAIN YOUR UNIT OF TIME, EQUESTRIA!!!

Ok, Twilight’s reaction to being turned in to a human (?) is hilarious. I read that the writers made Spike a dog to avoid the weird dragon age implication, and it is pretty funny, but why does he know how she should act in this world? (And why does that outfit make her look like an anime character?)

I know they needed to get all the characters we the audience are familiar with into one long sight gag, but why is Diamond Tiara in a high school?  How do ages translate in this universe? It’s things like this that reinforce the fan fiction argument

About the songs in this: they’re not great. They aren’t terrible by any means, but after season three (I actually quite enjoyed the songs in the finale) it’s a tad dissappointing

Over fourteen minutes in and we finally get to meet the Mane 6 doppelgängers and the villain antagonist of the piece. Aaaaand she’s a one-dimensional mean girl stereotype. Twilight can fight the literal spirit of chaos, but can she survive Regina George?

Actual Disney Princess Fluttershy. But how does she carry around any books without crushing those animals? My high school backpack would have squished Angel bunny

Princess Celestia: thousand year old omniscient being who raises the sun, demoted to a public high school principal. Not even a school board super intendant. It sucks to be you, babe. That design is beyond hideous btw

The instant they said “princess”, I just knew we were in for a ride. Look, that was the easiest comparison for what was going on in the MLP-verse, but the princess of a dance doesn’t really do anything. They get their pictures the school paper, and maybe the yearbook and that’s all. It’s not like she’s running for class president or something that would actually affect the student body

So are they seniors? There are three pictures of Sunset winning the title, so… 

The moments of self-awareness are really jarring, especially because the principal just spoke to a new student without asking for transcripts or grades or anything

You know, maybe show a little more than just one scene of making Fluttershy cry (a feat so easy her pet rabbit does it on a regular basis) if you want me to believe that Sunset is so mean and scary. She’s not exactly Heather Chandler

If there is one phrase that needs to be expunged from screen-writers’ vocabulary, it is “rule the school.” It is quite possibly the single worst cliche I have ever seen and is usually the worst part of any high school movie. Maybe if Sunset was using her magic to control these people it would be different, but we don’t see that. The lunch room would be the perfect setting to showcase how she divides people in order to keep them weak (a la the Hunger Games), but no such luck

Some hilarious foreshadowing at the hands of Pinkie, and some flat exposition from Applejack. We get it! Sunset is a mean girl! Those exist, but it doesn’t make her an all-powerful villain! So far Rainbow Dash has been presented as a better antagonist than her. Your close friend can do more to stab you in the back than someone who’s shows up just complain about decorations

Sunset disrespected the cider! Kick her ass, AJ!

I’m really glad they found the only poorly-lit corner of the school to have the confrontation scene. But honestly, isn’t running unopposed kind of a pathetic way to win? Like, wouldn’t Sunset rather crush someone on her way to victory to establish dominance? The addition of the new mythos as to what happens when an element of harmony is brought to another universe is actually a nice addition, but I bet we won’t hear about it again until the climax    

So the Main 6 5 were friends and something split them apart? I bet it must be something very serious to divide such a close friend group. Or perhaps a simple yet frustrating misunderstanding that ruins all suspense. Probably the latter. That photo of the younger characters is the most adorable thing i’ve ever seen, though

The moment I’ve been waiting thirty two minutes for: Rarity’s appearance! And it took me that long to figure out that they are basically all wearing the same outfit. I think this might be the case of designing for the merchandise before designing the characters: Doll skirts are waaaaaay easier to sew than doll pants, and those knee-high boots mean less anatomy to worry about. Did that toy line take off? I feel like I never see them in stores...

I suppose I should be asking why the school would care about someone they’ve never met doing something embarassing on a video, but in real life everyone would just assume Twilight was on drugs. Also, I’m pretty sure smear campaigns would get you disqualified from the race

So technology ruined their friendship. That’s not what’s said, but that is what’s being implied

This is the biggest example of how you can get by without detailed characterization in fan fiction but not published writing: the audience know what element each pony doppelgänger stands for because they’ve had three seasons to earn that trait. These characters have not. For the most part, none of them have even slightly acted like them. Rarity’s really the only one, being generous and helping someone she had never met hide from the crowd who has come to mock her shame. I suppose Fluttershy was kind, but Twilight stood up for her first and she was kind of just returning the favor. Applejack has’t had the chance to be honest (providing exposition does not count), Pinkie was visibly angry at one point, and and ending a friendship over a petty squabble is the exact opposite of loyalty. Rainbow Dash would not have ended the feud if Twilight hadn’t intervened. I know this is a seventy minute movie and they have to move the story along, but maybe have less montages and more exploration of character. Friendship is Magic parts 1 and 2 was only forty five minutes only and they managed to introduce a new world, characters, and a plot setup while keeping the story going

And just like that, the conflict is resolved. Rainbow’s design is HORRIBLE. What is up with that skirt? And more importantly: how does being bad at a sport mean you will be a good princess? Wouldn’t her willingness to fix a friendship say more about her character? 

 On to the annoying blue elephant in the room: I hate Flash Sentry. I hate him as a character plot device and I have no use for him. Here is what I have written in my notes for this scene:

Looking past the fact that only one main character has ever shown an interest in a romantic relationship, watching the normally competent and intelligent Twilight act awkward around a boy who (need I remind you) is a different species than she, makes me sick to my stomach. If you like him: fine. If you ship them: whatever. I do not care. This is not the worst ship I have seen come out of this show/movie, but he has no personality or character. He is generic “boy” character who could have been written out and the movie would have been the same. Every time he is in a scene, I roll my eyes and groan. That is all I’m going to say about him

Rarity being overly dramatic gives me life, but the speech about unity just beats you over the head with the movie’s message. I get the comparison, but being part of a school is not the same thing as being a part of a community or kingdom. The second you graduate, you stop caring about your high school. School pride is not the same thing as nationalism

So just to be clear: girl messes up using a copier = comedy gold. Group sings a frankly embarrassing song to the entire lunchroom = best thing ever, let’s vote for her. In real life, the principal would have just walked in and suspended all of them

Why on earth would they manually doctor the photos? It would be so much work to cut those things out. Is there no photoshop equivalent in this world? Why leave a paper trail? But, on the plus side, here is an actual dilemma! Twilight has to figure out another- Oh wait no, let’s resolve that instantly by having Blue Hair McThiscouldhavebeenliterallyanyone find the photos. It’s almost as if this scene was pointless.

Don’t flirt in front of the administer! Geez

Oh look, more conflict. Twilight has to get the crown and leave tonight. Maybe that scene did have a point. Some actual stakes, if this changed the plan to get the crown. But it doesn’t. We know they are going to redecorate the gym. This is just slowing down the plot and taking time away from developing the characters

This is a genuinely sweet scene with Spike. It is one of the best scenes in the whole movie, and it brings up a good point: Twilight feels alone because she is the only one who understands the full weight of what getting (or more importantly: possibly losing)  the crown means, in this universe and her home. But she’s not alone because the people who are depending on her will support her and try to help no matter what the outcome is

HOW LONG IS THIRTY MOONS?!?!

Oh Pinkie Pie. You majestic creature

Oh my gosh, an actually appropriate reactions to a talking animal! Wow. Usually a movie like this would just have a character say, “huh, weird” and no one would react

So the conflict is once again resolved quickly. The problem is no more. This was slightly more satisfying because is did require other people to assist in fixing the gym, thereby bringing the divided school together, but it happened in one musical number. When you rush important plot points, they lose significance

Well, Twilight has six hours until she potentially loses her magic crown to the villain and is stuck in this world while Sunset takes over Equestrian, so IT’S TIME FOR A MAKEOVER MOTAGE!

The animals are helping Fluttershy get ready- this is proof she is a Disney Princess!

Ah yes, the formal cowboy hat. A staple of every dance

I don’t know anyone in real life who’s actually taken a limo to a dance

Remember how I said I wasn’t going to talk about Flash again? Well, I lied. His car screams “douche”, but his personality screams nothing at all because ewe know nothing about this character except he plays the guitar. Granted, that’s usually the amount of info we got about the love interest in a late nineties teen flick, but this isn’t one of those. Maybe instead of that soccer scene, they could have provided reasons for me to care about whether Twilight will dance with him. Just saying

The moment you’ve all been waiting for since it was set up in the first act has arrived. I know you were all on the edge of your seat wondering if Twilight would win. 

Suspense is a tricky thing to do well. You need to build up to it without constantly reminding the audience to the point that they no longer care about it. There is a quote by Alfred Hitchcock that I’m not going to put in its entirety, but here’s the link, that basically says you can’t have a big Thing happen with no buildup. We know that something potentially bad could happen if Sunset gets the crown, but the majority of the movie has been about this darn dance. You almost forget just why Twilight wants to win, other than this is a high school movie. When you only leave fifteen minutes for the climax, with little to no build up (do we even know what Sunset can do?) it’s going to be unsatisfying. I might be putting way to much thought into this kids movie. But wait, no I’m not. This show is not one of the time-wasting cartoons of yore. It covers complex subjects and serious topics, so pardon me if I expect more out of them than cliche after cliche

In a rare display of actual villainy, Sunset offers Twilight a way home in exchange for the crown. This leads to one of the few scenes that shows her self-sacrifice: Twilight cares more about the safety of her home and her friends than her own comfort. I question what has Sunset actually accomplished there that’s so bad, but Twilight is acting noble (and I mean that in the most unsarcastic was possible)

And she just steals the crown. And becomes the most hilarious looking demon ever

How has no one pulled out their cell phone and videotaped this yet?

I question how effective the army of easily wounded humans would be against Equestrian, which is full of creatures who have magic, hooves, and stabbing horns, but whatever

What’s this? Could it be… the magic of friendship? Whoever could have guessed?

This magical pony transformation scene will really come back to haunt me (but at least no one said pony up)

If I’m being fair, this is basically what happened at the end of Friendship is Magic, part 2

So no one’s going to question what just happened? Has the internet desensitized them that much? Don’t act like you know what’s going on Celestia! And How are they going to explain the destroyed property to the insurance company?

Well, the evil has been defeated so it’s time for Twilight to go through the portal and return home. But not without a quick dance first

This scene is cute, I guess. And it is canon that Twilight can’t dance in horse form either

What was their backup plan if Twilight failed? Just wait around there?

Oh good, Twilight has the adventure of a lifetime so let’s end the movie on a really important note: talking about a boy. There’s your moral.

I know I nitpicked a lot (and overused “in real life”) but I do enjoy Equestria Girls. The first time I watched this movie, I was significantly more harsh than I should have been. It’s cute and mostly harmless, with some genuinely funny scenes. Despite the many many plot holes, it is an alright beginning to the series and most of the issues I took with this get resolved in later movies. The antagonist might me mostly absent and doesn’t play a huge role until the last fifteen minutes, but It’s worth sitting through this nonsense to see Sunset’s redemption arc. I don’t know how this would be as a standalone TV show, but there is a line of comics based on it that you can check out.  3.2/5 You know, for a universe that has a character named Cranky Doodle Donkey, Flash Sentry is still the worst name I have seen for a fictional character (and until I rewatched for this review, I thought his name was Flash Century). Here are some unused zingers I had for him: Flash Sentry sounds like a boy band from the early 2000s Flash Sentry sounds like a Flash Gordon fan fiction title Flash Sentry sounds like the name of a bankrupt film company Flash Sentry sounds like a character from Zoolander Flash Sentry sounds like a villain from Rocky IV Flash Sentry sounds like the name of a Fallout Boy song Flash Sentry sounds like the name of a horse that’s predicted to win the Triple Crown but trips during the Belmont … oh, I guess that joke’s not so funny when he’s actually a horse. But enough about me, what did you think? Were there too many scenes of Twilight not understanding the new world, or did those make the movie? Did Trixie have the best line in the entire movie? Will I get the sequel recap up in a timely manner?

[betterthanschindlers]

Unfriend You, by Greyson Chance

Ok so something I have a lot of thoughts about is a song/video that came out in 2011 called "Unfriend You" by Grayson Chance. He is/was a preteen who has an amazing voice and was on Ellen, etc. This was a single he released to little to no fanfare. The video stars a Disney-era Ariana Grande and I would like to just talk about it for a minute, please join me if you'd like.

If you haven't seen it (which I'm assuming you haven't) here is the video for reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Rd-tfJRMLI. Let's begin.

1. The title and subject matter of this song is so earnest and hilarious to me, the idea of someone singing an ENTIRE song about their decision to unfriend someone + wielding the action of unfriending someone as a threat in any way is funny in the deepest place I appreciate humor. I feel like there's nothing anyone could TRY to do to be funny that would be as funny as this is unintentionally

2. The way that Greyson's lip curls up when he sings "you're beautiful and crazy too" (that line!!) is again, funnier than anything I've ever seen

3. The way he pushes "liar" into a single syllable is upsetting and bothers me each time he does it, which is a lot. He also uses it structurally wrong? He says, "You're the best liar ever knew" WHICH, you're missing the pronoun in that sentence and just capitalizing on the repeated sounds in the end of "liar" and "I" ?? It's terrible

4. When this video came out I was in college and I thought Ariana Grande was the most beautiful little girl. She's still incredibly beautiful but when she sings songs about how big Big Sean's dick is, this is who I picture

5. To earnestly look into a camera and say you're DELETING someone from your HEART, is again, the funniest thing I can possibly imagine

6. I love that these children are playing ping pong at their party. It's miniature and so are their emotions

7. His vocal slides and falsetto are really wonderful and I think the technical proficiency is a huge part of what makes the rest of this SO funny to me. Like if he just sucked or was a little pitchy it'd match the content/bad writing but since it's performed SO perfectly it jars my brain into feeling joy? How does that work

8. The lyrics are mostly innocent/dumb but when he does the key change for the third verse around 1:53 the lyrics get so slut-shamey and possessive!! Greyson!

9. At the party he starts dating his new girlfriend because she can do a backflip and I think that's a good basis for a relationship

10. There's a weird promotional shot for an off-brand peach soda called "Flav" around 2:07 that gives me more questions than answers. Did Flav approach YOU Greyson because they think you're a tastemaker? Do you love Flav and wanted to include it and its appearance is not contractually obligated at all? Why is the can of Flav a clear sawed in half liter-bottle with a metal pull top? Isn't it harder to make a product out of two disparate materials than if it was just entirely one of them? Why didn't you offer any to your new girlfriend? Didn't you see she has braces and probably didn't eat any popcorn and wants something with a little flavor?

11. After every single member of the party empties a can of silly string in the living room (inside?? why???) Greyson sings, "But I should have known right from the start/that you didn't have a human heart" which seems WAY out of line with the rest of the song emotionally. Up until this point, he's just unfriending Ariana because she's a liar (unconfirmed) and it feels so intense to say you think she's inhuman??? Like, you're both 12 Greyson, calm down

12. At the end, every child runs out of the house with a roll of toilet paper (must be a Costco house) and TP's Ariana's house!! When it's daylight and not Halloween?? It rings of an odd cruelty! ! And she comes out of her house with her new boyfriend (who looks 25) and is clearly hurt. Then Greyson puts an X over her face in the yearbook, (the ultimate dismissal) and LAUGHS to himself about it alone in a barn with his piano that he didn't play the whole time. The last 2 min seems honestly sociopathic

13. I can't talk about the clothes bc then this post would be double the size it is now but I will say that throughout the video he wears two gold charm necklaces that are very prominently displayed and maybe I don't remember 2011 that well but I don't think that was the look

14. Lastly, yes, I know it's 3:49 in the morning, but I have been thinking about this for 6 years and I've never been able to form clear thoughts and all of a sudden they all came to me and I knew if I didn't write it down right now it would never come again and also depression has many different forms

[mrkanz]

A Stumble Toward Oblivion

Metanoia (2017) - Nate Perkins

“The auditory equivalent of drinking a bottle of Scotch alone, or a 12-pack worth of cheap beer in a bar full of strangers. Would black out to again, probably.”

About the artist: Nate Perkins is a developing artist from the depths of southern Ohio who’s somehow survived multiple forays into the entertainment business without becoming completely insufferable. He’s got at least one degree, if you can believe it; I’d argue he’s earned an honorary half-bachelor’s on top of that from the school of hard liquor. He’s also got a background in music production, prose work, poetry, and play-writing. (Seriously, the man cannot stop pouring out his feelings for the benefit of strangers.) This is his sophomore album.

First glance: To say that Metanoia initially resists recommendation is putting it lightly. From the cover image of animated corpse leering triumphantly at the thought of his heart fermenting in a jar of cheap alcohol (see the attached image, courtesy of the lovely and talented Brenna Jenny) to the laundry list of things I wouldn’t wish on my least-favorite people that serves as its table of contents, the album seems to promise a bleary-eyed slog through the worst Saturday night bender—and accompanying Sunday afternoon hangover— you ever had.

Play-by-Play

1. Insomnia (5 stars)

Amid a vivid combination of synthetic and organic sound that neatly parallels the mix of sincere and utterly pre-supposed lines being delivered, Perkins’ opening track sets the audience up for what a fall from grace looks like when you’re already starting from a place of mutually-agreed-upon bitterness, masochism, and contradiction. The conversation being illustrated here isn’t a conversation at all, as neither of the participants is taking it seriously… That tells you everything you need to know about the level of sympathy and compassion available to this story’s (anti)hero.

2. Arrhythmia (3 stars)

The action picks up right away—if “Insomnia” offered up the artistically-polished, Ginsbergian representation of what a doomed relationship looks like, then “Arrhythmia” peels back that thin veneer to expose the way brokenness has settled into every corner of the protagonist’s daily grind. Two songs in and he already sounds exhausted (and not just on account of the strained-through-gravel vocals that make their first appearance). I’ll admit, I think the chorus is weak… but I dare you to find me a better depiction of clinical depression.

3. Blacklung (4 stars)

In case you needed it, “Blacklung” provides an even clearer and pared-down explanation of our hero’s wretchedness—delivered, perhaps necessarily, in a backhanded brag. (“Why yes, I am hopelessly empty inside. That’s why I drink.”) Its instrumental undercurrents ominously toe the line between defiant swagger and pitiable stumble, making this one of the best bar songs the album has hidden up its ragged sleeve. I imagine the music video for this one would feature a lot of tracking shots in the pouring rain. I also want to hear the slowed-down, acoustic version pretty damn bad.

4. Cirrhosis (5 stars)

Finally, something you could (possibly) dance to (if you really wanted). The presence of a co-writer explains a lot on this one, I think: the narrative coherence especially, along with the appearance of additional named characters where once there were only blurred, inconstant reminders of life outside the protagonist’s head. You know that Modest Mouse song “We’ve Got Everything?” This feels a lot like that. “Cirrhosis” is also the first song on the album to display Perkins’ full vocal range, if only momentarily.

5. Fracture (5 stars)

Another manifesto/slice-of-life representation, this time in what almost feels more like a poem set to music than a song. (Which isn’t to say I’m ragging on the musical structure of the piece. Even in pre-development, it used to stick in mine--which is what won it the additional star I handed out.)

...I think this is an excellent place to remind the reader that we are already halfway through a scathingly honest ode to depression and loneliness, and Perkins has somehow avoided repeating himself. Turns out there are as many ways to talk about being sad as there are to get drunk, my friends—and we are going to hear about them all before the protagonist makes it out...

6. Malignant (3.5 stars)

There is a lot going on here—a lot of sounds in the background, a lot of work being put into the vocals. The deep-throated snarl that carried us thus is set aside in favor of a much reedier (read: more vulnerable) side of Perkins’ range. This is the voice of a man struggling to make sense of things, projecting his feelings of utter abandonment onto anything and everything in his line of sight so indiscriminately it’d be funny if it wasn’t so miserable. (If you’re getting echoes of The Doors here, I don’t think you’re too far off.) It’s a long, slow spiral to what feels—at least at the time—like the bottom of the barrel, though the last few lines make for a gratifying crash landing.

7. Amnesia (5 stars)

Like the chaser to a shot that burnt your throat past the point of yelling any longer, “Amnesia” is (considerably) sadder than its predecessor. The track’s built-in lurch and lunge, which so often sounds as though it won’t quite make it through another repetition, uniquely captures the sensation of reaching for something you simply will never get to. The vocal layering, though, is what really drives the point home for me: for the first time the rock-bottom voice of depression, the smoke-strained voice of desperation, and the flat, often mocking speaking voice Perkins employed in the opening monologue are united in a single representation of the protagonist’s inability to connect with anything present or solid. The result is equal parts menace and pathos; a fascinating sample of self-imposed hell.

8. Comatose (4.5 stars)

The penultimate song jolts us back into our hero’s version of normal: a numbed, flattened landscape occasionally punctuated by lightning-flash moments of regret, wrath, and longing. I really like what’s going on with the vocals here, though I can only imagine how difficult it was to record such a ragged chorus (we’re talking Nirvana-level screams by the end). Perhaps in light of that, I find myself drawn to the bridge’s more hopeful musical cues…

9. Time of Death (5 stars)

...Which is probably why I’m such a fan of the final track! “Time of Death” bookends quite nicely with “Insomnia”—you get the sense that everything is culminating, meshing and melding (musically and vocally), albeit for no other reason than the hero’s recognition that fighting to go on like this is taking more than he’s got left. A kind of beautiful finality creeps into the last line of each verse; the protagonist appears to be dying by degrees, only to contradict himself at the very end. Whether it’s a transitory vision sparked by the final synaptic fires of a dying man’s head or a legitimate turnaround, the message remains remarkably forward-thinking. Surprise! We’ve made it to metanoia after all.

Overall: An evocative, complex depiction of mental illness and its effects on the daily business of being human in the modern era… or else a tongue-in-cheek character study with some decent drinking songs mixed in for good measure. Don’t be thrown off by the on-the-nose cover or the black-as-hell titling scheme: if you’re willing to take it for exactly what it is (like it wants you to), Metanoia is as legitimately entertaining as it is deeply tragic. You might not want to play it at parties, but you’ll probably put it on when you haven’t got one to attend. (4.4 stars)