#fundielegacies jet obsidian

[biblethumpersims]

“Finally! Our second home.”

“...It’s rather empty,” Jasper remarks.

“As I understand it, most of the furniture was sold long ago,” Dorothy says. “Oh!”

Dorothy gazes up at the statue in awe. “Not all! My, what a curious display! Was this once a room of worship?”

“What’s with all the candles?” Jet asks.

“If only I could gift you such knowledge, but I myself am bereft.”

They go upstairs. It takes Jet less than a minute to discover the secret room.

“Oh my... goodness, that’s my mother!” Dorothy brushes her hand against the plague underneath Brona’s portrait. “The woman next to her... is my grandmother Leah, I believe?”

“Cool story, babe, but I don’t care. I’m gonna go explore the rest of the house.”

“Wait!” Dorothy grips Jasper’s arm. “What if we had our own portraits painted and displayed?”

“I’m liking the sound of that. But we need to get these paintings out of this hidden room.”

[biblethumpersims]

Jill Eaten marries Brett Barajas.

Jet Flanagan marries Dolly.

I’ve been on the fence about ending the blog, and now that all the oldest kids are married I feel confident in saying that this will be it. All the other kids grew up Godly married early and bred often, amen.

That said, I will do four more posts briefly covering the fates of each of the family parents.

[biblethumpersims]

I will no longer list birthdays, just courtships & weddings, and instead of a daily recount it just happens when it happens.

Rocky Eaten marries Traci Yarger.

Jet Flanagan starts courting Dolly.

Jill Eaten starts courting Brett Barajas.

[biblethumpersims]

“Jet, you've been a teenager for some time now. It’s about time you found a nice Christian girl to court.”

“Father, the ladies at church find me repulsive. My romantic future is bleak.”

“That’s quitter talk. Besides, new girls become teenagers every day. You’re young enough to marry a girl that’s still a child.”

“That’s very unfortunate phrasing.”

“Don’t make this weird. You know what I meant: find a girl more or less your age.”

“I shall. How old am I?”

“...Let me get back to you on that one.”

[biblethumpersims]

“Children, I have news that is most...” Dorothy hesitates. “Terrible? Your father’s father, one Brennan Flanagan, has departed this world to reunite with the Lord.”

“But mother, surely this is joyous news?” Onyx says. “What’s terrible is the separation from Jesus we endure here on Earth!”

“Of course, but your father is deeply saddened by this event. It’s irrational, but it is human nature that there is a sadness when a beloved member of the family is freed from this Earth. We must honor that your father sees this as a tragedy and would much prefer that your grandfather were alive and well."

“How strange!” Jet says. “However, we understand. We will give our sympathies and condolences.”

“Thank you, children. Oh! Here he comes! Remember: be miserable!”

[biblethumpersims]

Shortly after Christmas, Jet becomes a Teen. His parents don’t celebrate, so he sneaks out to celebrate by himself.

[biblethumpersims]

Two generations ago, it was just these three houses.

Now there’s a newer house on the block, with newer neighbors.

“Hell-”

Jasper, and more importantly Humility, could have said anything. But they didn’t. Each knew the other was married when they fucked. So they exchanged expressions, a silent agreement to stay silent.

“...Hello,” Humility says cautiously. “Are you... moving... here?”

“No, but we own this place now,” Jasper replies, nodding towards the black house. “Do you live here?”

“I do. Are you... related... to the men that were here a short while ago?”

“What men?” Jasper asks.

“A man in black and his shifty-looking partner in crime. Just recently, all of us in the neighborhood saw two men and a kidnapped child lurk around this...” Humility eyed the black home with mild disgust, “building.”

“Kidnapped?!”

“Yes! She didn’t look like either of them! So, to protect the poor thing... Righteousness Smith, I believe? called the police. Those... fiends got away, but we here on Bunch Way continue to pray for her.”

“Please do!” Dorothy cries suddenly. “Those men kidnapped that youth in the most vile of ways: legally! Oh, alas, she was adopted by them! The law is vile and is no longer a just and moral thing, for men who are not lovers of the Lord and goodness have infected our government! They condoned it, congratulated it, when those homosexuals dragged that child away from her life at the orphanage! Without a mother, that child will never know any love, much less the purest love of Jesus Christ!”

“Oh, how horrible!” Humility places a hand on her heart. “I’ll tell everyone!”

“My deepest gratitudes, Miss...” Dorothy pauses.

“Mrs. Crockett, but fellow children of God may call me Humility. You are His children, I presume?”

“Of course we are,” Jet pipes up. “Mom’s not a harlot.”

“Jet!” Dorothy gasps. “Humility, I’m quite very sor-”

“I meant to ask that you are children of God,” Humility says tensely. “Nobody here would want to accuse another of adultery.”

“We’re Christians,” Jasper says quickly, “and we should be leaving. We’ll see you around, Mrs. Crockett.”

[biblethumpersims]

Firstborn Jet Obsidian Flanagan is born on Friday morning. His parents are very proud.

[biblethumpersims]

As night falls, Jasper and Jet arrive at the house.

"Wow. No wonder your house is infested by Satan. Tattooing yourself and dressing like a whore are demon magnets. I’ll clean your house for now, but if you don’t put some clothes on and repent to Jesus Christ, they’re just gonna come back.”

“...Right. Why did you bring a child?”

“He’s a professional. You know, a guy like me can really help set you on the right path. You seem like a nice girl, so it’d be a shame if you wound up burning in Hell.”

“Uh huh. Let’s talk about that after you get rid of the ghosts.”

“Whatever, slut.”

“The power of Christ compels you!”

“Daddy!”

“I played with the dolls and then a ghost made me glow! Aren’t I pretty?”

“Your mother’s going to kill me.”

“Huh?”

“Follow me. A dead son is better than some glitzy sissy, so I’ll kill this demon even if it kills you.”

“Yay!”

“These exorcists you hired are freaks, Maaike. I don’t like the way they’re screaming in there.”

“He was the cheapest one they had, so... Besides, most of the ghosts are gone. He’s doing the job.”

“I still don’t want you to hire him again.”

After tying Jet to Ulrike’s bed and chanting over him until the purple aura faded, Jasper went back to work. Despite his firm belief that these were demons that needed banishing in the name of Jesus, he approached them with an effective and by-the-books method: gifting them selfies of himself.

Well, it worked. Everything was fine...

Except for the doll Jet smuggled home.

[biblethumpersims]

“Jet! Whatever are you doing?”

“Reading the mail.”

“Reveal to me the motivation behind such a strange act.”

“Lucy told me to. She says the flyer for life insurance is a good way to end vest men.”

“What is ves- nay, who is Lucy?”

“My friend! She has dark hair and likes to crawl up the windows.”

“Dearest son, there’s a notable difference between a spider and a friend. But no matter. My greatest curiosity is why, if your pursuits are oriented towards life insurance, you would choose to read the letter your aunt Rosemary has sent me?”

“The letter uncle Kent sent me had money in it. I thought aunt Rosemary sent us money, too.”

“Foolish child. They’ve committed their spirits to weaving together in a holy union arranged by God, come Hell and tribulation, through sickness of mind and body, until the Lord has deemed them worthy of coming home. They send their money together.”

“Oh. Who’s Westley? And why is he leaving the city?”

“Stop reading my personal mail.”

“But I asked questions!”

“Child, not every question deserves an answer. The Lord wishes us to live in a healthy moderation of all things. Should you eat too much bread, you shall feel ill. This is the Lord striking you with pain as punishment for excessively consumption. Similarly, a question too many will only bring you suffering.”

“What about 1 Peter 5:10 and Romans 5:3-5?”

“Not all suffering is made equal. Which Bible verse tells us of how Jesus ate and drank all in sight until sickness took hold of him, and then those around him rose to call him blessed?”

“None of them? That never happened.”

“Precisely. Only when you suffer for the glory of God is it holy. To suffer because you defied God is not holy, and there is no good to be found in it.”

“Ok, mother. Sorry.”

“Find forgiveness in Jesus. When He has pardoned you, then so shall I.”

[biblethumpersims]

Thanks to Dorothy’s surprisingly aggressive anti-birthday beliefs, the boys growing up was ignored.

[biblethumpersims]

The next day, Jet becomes a toddler...

...and then Jasper and Dorothy try for baby. A few times, even, just to make sure.