#fun summer times before tragedy strikes

[soliloquy-dawn]

i need some atonement!AU on my tl!! any updates?👀🩷

Hiiii darling.

32k into the first draft, and we're close to the fountain scene! Fucking in the library planned for right after. They have such busy schedules.

I'm gonna use this opportunity to show off the stunning moodpboard that @alienoresimagines made and sent to me BEFORE THEY EVEN READ THIS SNIPPET. Witchcraft, I swear. How did they know? How?

cw: underage, but they're both seventeen and in love. Bucky has impure thoughts. Can't help it, poor chap.

Reconciled with his doomed fate, he lay in waiting, and did not dare to touch. 

What he did do, was suffer unimaginable torture at Buck’s hands. The summer before they both turned seventeen, the torments he was subjected to became more sublime and traitorous. On the hottest days, they would lounge on patches of stubby, yellowing grass, behind a stretch of shrubbery and rose bushes that hid them from prying eyes. Buck would nudge himself closer, burrowing under Bucky’s stretched arm, claiming his bicep as a pillow. His shirt would be damp with sweat and nearly see-through, clinging to his ribcage and the pink swell of his nipples. His hair would coil above his nape in ways that drove Bucky to a state of fumbling incoherence; they spoke to him, those sticky clumps of spun gold, begging to be uncoiled, then patted dry or licked clean. And the worst of it all, Buck’s scantily clad and slender thighs would splay open, and press firmly against Bucky’s leg. At regular intervals, Buck would knock their knees together and rubbed his bare calf against him, and John had to disguise his grunts and moans with an obnoxious cough or an improvised grumble about the weather. 

The whole affair had the guise of a meaningless, casual thing; nothing more than an afternoon of leisure enjoyed between friends. While Buck read his novels, humming contently while flipping to the next page, the immortal toothpick jutting out from between his plush lips, all Bucky could think of was flipping him to the side, pulling his shorts down enough to reveal the pink, flushed skin hiding beneath, and rutting against the swell of his ass until he came all over the soft flesh of his inner thighs. 

[naffeclipse]

A Gesture Returned

Reader x Orca!Eclipse

Commission Info

I had so much fun writing this request by the sweet @rinzydings who wanted a Y/N reuniting with Eclipse, and bearing a very important gift (and confession)! Their Y/N is so sweet and I loved combining their character with Eclipse's. There is so much sweetness and fluff! Which is must deserved after all they've both been through. I hope you enjoy! <3

———

The gray base is stark against the icy expanse of the north pole. A structure long since frozen into its foundation and left almost lost in the piercing wind and swirling snowflakes, you glance backward at it once before leaving it behind. 

It’s been a year since you first met the orca siren. You saw him in between that time in the mild temperatures of spring, where the negative degrees weren’t as bitter with its touch and the sun rose and fell in time with a full, proper day. Now you have returned once again in autumn, in the aftermath of a summer full of endless sunlight. 

Of course, you kept busy. Other destinations called out to you, and you felt yourself rushed to find the last of the places on your must-see list to ensure you would not go without. Pictures platter the inside of your computer of beautiful landscapes beside tropical seas and sprawling cliffs.

Slowly, your gloved hand falls into your inner pocket. Touching over the thickness of your coat, you remind yourself that your gift is still there. It’s waiting for the recipient. 

Michael and Vanessa know your intentions. After a whole year of adjusting to your relationship with Eclipse, they are easing into the thought of you growing close with a siren that was once out of the realm of nightmares for them. They no longer fear for you like they once did. Your dear Eclipse and your sweet friends share far more in common than they once believed.

Your decision sits heavy on your heart—not with dread or anxiety—but with eagerness. A want to fling it out into the world and cause it to rear into realization runs through you. You dearly hope you may relieve yourself of this tension very soon.  

Eclipse is out there, somewhere. He must have caught sight of the helicopter approaching. 

You’ve learned much about Eclipse’s life and culture that you’ve gathered in your short bursts of seeing him. Courting gifts and becoming mates are important. You understand now what exactly it means to belong to him, and for him to belong to you.

For so long, he has waited in the icy waters alone. His family was dragged up in nets and gutted with spears by a horrible, wicked man named William Afton. He grew up with no kindness, warmth, or guidance. You couldn’t fault him for the tragedy that befell him, but you did grow fearful after he stole you away the first time and changed you against your will. 

Now you’ve had time to understand him. You watched him let you go, and you returned to find him waiting with open arms. 

Your gloved fingers roam over the irregular and smooth shapes of the gift you come bearing. He gave you so much. There’s something you want to give him in return. 

Vanessa and Michael might not understand everything between you and Eclipse, but they support you. 

You choose Eclipse.

Leaving the base behind, you waddle—ever the bird in Eclipse’s eye—across the frozen layers of ice that make up the great Arctic. You do not wander for long before the sea spreads dark and blue beside you. The sharp contrast of pale snow and choppy, deep waters overwhelms your sharp eye for images to capture.

You have many pictures of the ocean. Each one uses the light and angle to capture a swell of waves, the same as you experience a great rise of emotion, searching for your mate.

Emerging from the depths with a striking arch of his lithe and powerful body, Eclipse lifts his head above the sea. His stunning dorsal fin strikes high into the air, burning red and orange before melting into the lovely pattern of black and white upon his body. Even at this distance, you see his mouth full of teeth spreading into a grin.

A soft sound carries over the waves. A song of welcome. You close your eyes briefly to truly catch the sound of Eclipse’s voice over the Arctic wind and splashing waves.

You hold up your hand and wave, at last breaking into a trot as best as you can. Avoiding a dreadful plunge on the slick ground, you trek to the edge of the water. Eclipse dives down. Your heart leaps into your throat.

“Eclipse!” You call as you drop to your knees beside the water. “Eclipse, I’m here!”

You lean over the slushy tide, mixing with shards of ice and blue-gray water, only to be greeted by a crescent mark face of black and white. Eclipse thrusts himself beside you, pushing onto the ice with an impressive flick of his tail. His impressive size easily dwarfs you. Minding the droplets flinging off of his sheeny body, he drapes himself along the ground before you in a dramatic presentation. 

“Birdie,” Eclipse rumbles deeply. A flare of deep joy overtakes his red and yellow eyes. His grin remains wide, and it is painful to wait for his hands to dry enough before he takes you by the arms and engulfs you in his presence. “You came back.”

“I said I would,” you answer softly. 

“You did.” He turns his face down, and with delicate effort, pushes your goggles carefully up your face. The bitter sting of the frigid air rushes your skin. To combat the dangerous cold, Eclipse captures you in a full-face nuzzle.

You softly sigh under the tender but deep fussing of his flat nose against you. He moves over you, going from cheek to cheek and even tucking himself under your chin for a moment, uncaring that your wool scarf gets in the way. His tongue slips out from between his lips to lick at your jawline. You resist a ticklish twitch, and instead, anchor him for a moment against you. Closing your eyes, you return the gesture and lay yourself entirely against his face. 

For one precious moment, Eclipse warms you.

Then he kisses you on the nose. You laugh once in quiet surprise. 

“Let me see you,” he whispers.

You hold still, your eyes squinting against the brightness of the sun shining over Eclipse as if he were waxed and polished. His body never ceases to amaze you.

Gently, he takes your hood and pushes it back. The cold quickly swirls over your head. As you learned before your first trip to the icy land, the head loses the most heat from the human body, and that is why it’s important to keep it covered.

Eclipse tenderly lifts his hand and runs his clawed fingers through your short hair. When you first met, he admired your dark strands with the blond streak you dyed into it, straight down the middle. He admired you in the way one would admire an exotic bird.

“Handsome,” he murmurs. “I missed your strange fur.”

“Hair,” you correct with a smile.

“Hair,” he echoes, before kissing the crown of your head. He reaffixes your hood over you before settling his arms over your legs and holding your gaze. “Tell me about your travels, birdie.”

You need not wait for another invitation. It’s not often you get the opportunity to ramble about your photography, but Eclipse always lends a listening ear. You’ve learned how genuine he is, as curious as you are, and just as insatiable for new, beautiful things. 

First, you tell him about Ocracoke Island. It is not the most exotic land you’ve traveled to, but it is nonetheless abundant with stunning seashells and a lively beach filled with yellow sands and green waters. Then you traveled to Shell Beach in the Australian winter. Awe Striking scenery fueled your photograph as the pale beach glistened to tiny, white shells beside an ever-endless blue sea. Then you traveled to Jeffreys Bay. The water is most gorgeous there, a pale blue-gray with rich seafoam flooding over an entire shoreline worth of shells. 

He doesn’t ask, but it’s clear that you favor tropical and seaside environments during the last six months of your travels. Eclipse has many questions when you talk of such places, such as the creatures there or what you enjoy most about visiting such environments. He draws his claws softly over your gloved hands as you continue to speak. 

Truly, he gives his full attention. Though his eyes may wander over your small fingertips or short stature, he is no less aware of what you spill from your lips.

As you finish telling him of carefully walking along Jeffreys Bay, you gently free your hand from his grasp. His eyes flare for a moment. His claws flex, watching hungrily as you reach into the inside of your coat and withdraw the most precious gift you are about to give.

“I have something for you,” you start softly, your fist curled over the offering, “It would mean so much to me if you accepted it.”

Eclipse tilts his head down, eyes crinkled in curiosity. The shine of his burning red frills catches on the sunlight. You swallow down your heart. Carefully unfurling your fingers, you present Eclipse with a courting gesture.

Laid upon your hand is a cord of strung seashells. Tiny, spiraling, and flat shells clink softly together to form a gradient of deep red, burnt orange, periwinkle, soft baby blue, and pure frost. Six months you spent finding the precise colors. The ones of Eclipse, and the ones that were on your tail when he had changed you into a siren. Those cool, soft colors never quite left your head.

Neither has Eclipse left your heart.

The gravity of the gesture is not lost on you as you study Eclipse’s wide eyes and gaped mouth. He reaches out as if handling thin ice, and strokes the shells with his clawed fingertips. The seashells are tiny but solid. A musical clink echoes at Eclipse’s brush of his hand, and he lifts his eyes.

“I accept,” he answers in a low, powerful voice.

Your entire being flutters, warm and reassured.

“May I?” you ask softly, lifting the cord and carefully taking the ends. “It’s meant to be worn… if you want to wear it.”

“Birdie, I desire nothing more than to display your gift on my body.” His declaration sends a sweeping heat into your cheeks. 

“Your hand,” you say, your eyes filling with misty tears.

He obeys, offering his arm. You level him out to expose his wrist. Slipping the bracelet of seashells around the sinew-packed bones, you deftly tie it and ensure the cord will not unravel anytime soon. 

“You gave me many gifts during our courtship,” you say deliberately. You lean back to admire it upon his wrist. “I wanted to return the gesture in kind.”

His hand clenched as if to contain emotion within his fist. He holds his hand and twists it this way and that, watching the seashells swing slightly against his shiny skin.

“This means much to me, birdie,” Eclipse lowers his gaze at last to you. His chest puffs up with pride. The glow in his gaze is as soft as candlelight. “I will treasure it.”

“I’m glad…” you say, holding back something behind your tongue that stings and causes your entire body to squirm.

In the moment your eyes dart away from him, heavy with words you can’t yet dislodge, a claw curls carefully under your chin. A spark fires in your chest. Gently but firmly, Eclipse lifts your head to look deep into your eyes. His constant grin thins into concern.

“What is troubling you?”

Your throat bobs softly. His eyes dart once to your gift before returning to you, and for a moment, a shine of fear returns to his gaze. The same as when you told him you had to leave the very first time.

You answer quickly but softly, “I’ve never stopped thinking of you, and I've never stopped caring for you, Eclipse.”

His expression softens like the sky in the morning after a wicked blizzard. His claw carefully draws along your bottom lip.

“My little siren,” he rumbles, but there’s a hint of melancholy in the endearment. “How precious you are.”

“I've come to a decision.” A fluttering erupts within you, and you slowly reach out to hold tight to his arm. “Eclipse, I want to stay with you.

You watch in both awe and whirling emotion as Eclipse is struck dumb. His jaw drops. His eyes flare wide open. His touch upon you slackens as if he were about to slip back into the water in his stupor, but instead, he looks at you as if seeing you again for the first time.

A fist squeezes your heart, and you forget to breathe. Is it too late? Does he still want to have you?

“I’m… I’m…” The apology fumbles on your tongue as you try to turn away, but Eclipse grabs you tighter, stopping you in your tracks.

Then you feel the tremors in his hand. Ripples of emotion take over his strong and sleek body, falling down his shoulders and into the very flukes of his tail. His eyes burn deeply.

“You will stay with me?” he asks, caught somewhere between disbelief and wonder. “Truly, birdie?”

“Yes,” your voice almost cracks. “I love you. I want to be with you as a siren.”

Saying the words frees something within you. The pulse pounding in your ears calms. Eclipse’s hand upon your chin softens into a tender touch. He leans very close. In a gentle brush of his sea-salt-tinged lips, he kisses you deeply. His fervor almost pushes you back, but his arms wrap around and hold you perfectly in place.

He breaks the kiss softly. 

“I love you, my mate.” He tilts your head softly as he nuzzles your cheek. “When you are ready, I will take you into the water.

Your heart sways within you. It is difficult to not recall how frigid and consuming the Arctic is, and the panic you felt underneath the water. But this is different.

He loves you truly. He let you go, and you step back willingly into his arms. 

“I will make it quick, birdie,” he whispers, “I am yours eternally.”

You smile before caressing his face, touching the corner of his mouth, and feeling the slipperiness of his black and white skin. 

“And I’m yours,” you smile.

With gentle reverence, Eclipse helps you undress. You urge him to hurry once the cold begins to attack your skin. Mentally, you must brace yourself once more for the cold of the water. Eclipse cradles you close against his body as you shiver violently in the sub-zero temperatures.

He bows over you, and with a conjuring of a song from deep within his chest, magic fills the air with the force of thunderous waves. It fills you as he presses his lips to your mouth, and together, you slip under the surface. 

Your courting gift of seashells sways around his wrist in the water.

The power of his magic takes you gently out of a world of footsteps and leg strides and into a body fit for cutting through storms and sailing through seas. The colors upon your fluke tips are the same as you remember. This time, you allow him to remove the last of your clothing. Completely bare, transformed, and magically thriving, you are reborn.

He embraces you. The length of his tail easily surpasses your own, and you are held safe as he kisses you within the frozen brine.

[lowkeychenle]

the hardest part [ZCL] (M)

Description: You, Chenle, and Jay have been best friends since before you could even remember. After moving away to pursue your dreams, you don't talk to them as often as you should. One day, you get a call notifying you of Jay's passing. When you go back to your hometown, you find everything is different except for one person--Chenle.

Genre: (Hurt/Comfort) Smut/Fluff/Angst (please see content warnings)

Content Warnings: death of a close friend, survivor's guilt, lots of what-if scenarios, navigating life without someone you've always had around, mental break downs, panic attacks (not vividly described AS panic attacks), two people coming together to heal from grief, explicit sexual content (unprotected sex, oral sex, mentions of sex, etc. although it's not super crazy so do with that what you will)

Word Count: 16,965

Taglist: @amyjipark @sofix-hc7 @dinosaurtoothbrushwithninjasauce

Permanent Taglist: @sunnybutcloudy @neozon3nha @waffleuvs

Pairing: Zhong Chenle x fem!reader (featuring OC by the name of Jay)

A/N: thank you for 900 followers! :)

Juliet's Masterlist | Tell me what you think? :)

When you got the call, your life fell apart before your eyes. You didn’t believe it. Not at first, anyway, considering things like this don’t happen to people you know. They happen to people you’ve never met.

Tragedies strike everyone. Not only are you not exempt, but nothing will ever shake you more, you’re certain.

Learning of your childhood best friend’s death is not something you expect to hear at your age. It’s always sudden, tragically, unfortunately. As if any death is anything but those words.

Everything leading up to the funeral—from the phone call to the week it took you to get on the plane—felt like a fever dream. One you’d wake up from and everything would be normal again.

You’re too young. He’s too young.

Was.

He was too young.

Your throat tightens as you close your eyes, resting your head against the steering wheel of your rental car. The funeral awaits you inside, where you’ll say the goodbye he’ll never actually hear.

The entire week, you’d been looking through old pictures and videos, crying at the sound of his voice when you realized how long it’d been since you truly heard him.

You obviously had yet to accept what happened. You’re half-sure that the second you walk in, everyone will be in there as if they’ve all played an elaborate prank on you. How cruel of them to set all of that up in a funeral home. Was he in there right now, waiting for you to walk in with tears in your eyes so he could make fun of you?

You’d cry harder, punch his shoulder, yell at him for playing such a cruel joke on you.

But it’s not a joke.

You haven’t received a text in over a month—well past your monthly check-in time. That thought alone makes you want to scream. Monthly check-ins? You moved away from your friends years ago for college and a ghost of a dream. Now, the only ghost left is his, and you have no idea how to explain your absence.

You thought you had more time.

Maybe that everybody gets older—but that’s not true. He won’t.

A cold chill runs down your spine. You look up at the sky, wanting to curse it for the beautiful blue color when the shade inside your heart is so fucking painful. Gathering yourself and wiping away the stray tear, you brush your dress off and get out of your car. The lot is packed, considering how popular Jay is.

Was.

It’s not real for you yet. Even as you walk in through the doors, the miserable click of your heels on the concrete doing little to soothe the emotions running deep in your veins. The first thing you see when you walk in is a collage of pictures of him—and the one that catches your eye immediately is one of the biggest ones, portraying you, Jay, and Chenle from a few summers back. The three of you are beaming at each other, smiles too wide to not be painful.

A lump forms in your throat. You hadn’t even thought about Chenle. Not really. The three of you had been best friends growing up. Your parents all knew each other, and so you’d been grandfathered into two friendships. In your defense, nothing had been on your mind except for Jay. Not his family, not yours, not Chenle.

Jaw quivering, you trace your fingers over the two men in the picture. God, Chenle must be a fucking wreck right now. Your first goal was to find him.

It’s not like you weren’t friends with them anymore. You were busy, they were busy, and you had a friendship with both of them that made it easy to remain the same when together even if you spent months and months apart. You hadn’t seen either of them in person in over a year.

The doors are open, and you clench your fists together. You freeze just before the doorway. The second you walk in, all of this becomes real. Jay is dead, and you’ve failed to keep up with him and everyone else from your hometown. You’ve become someone else, and in the process, you forgot your roots.

You’ll never remember them again. Not when they’ve been cut at the source.

“(Y/N)?” A familiar voice sounds behind you, and you whirl around.

The tears you’d been holding back fall before you can stop them. You slap a hand over your mouth, and in the blink of an eye, Chenle’s closing the distance between the two of you and wrapping his arms around you.

“God, it’s been so fucking long,” he murmurs, tightening his grip.

You can’t talk yet. Guilt sets in regardless, because you hadn’t so much as messaged him when you heard about all of this. His palm rests on the back of your head, and he doesn’t say anything else. The two of you stand there, and you allow him to comfort you.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” you groan and wipe at your eyes. “This is all just…are you…how are you doing?”

“I’ve been better,” he admits. “Better now that you’re here, honestly. I went outside to take a break from everything and I saw you walk in. You have no idea how good it is to have you back here.”

“I can’t believe I’ve been gone for so long.” You glance up at the ceiling.

“Life happens,” Chenle says softly. He puts his hand on the small of your back. “If you’re ready, I’ll go in with you.”

“Thank you.” You take a deep breath.

Chenle has never been an emotional man. Even since you were children, you rarely even saw him tear up. Hopes of all of this being a prank dissipates quickly when you see the water gathered in his eyes as the two of you walk in.

The air inside is undeniably stuffy, bone-chilling, even. Silence is amplified by how you hear your own heart pounding in your ears. The carpeted floor creaks beneath your feet, and as soon as people recognize you, eyes are on you and Chenle. Nobody says anything.

The casket is on a stage of sorts. The left side is open, and you can’t see inside it from where you’re standing, but your feet freeze to the ground directly below you before you realize what’s happening. A flash of worry crosses over Chenle’s features as he steps in front of you to cover the view.

“Just breathe,” he whispers, hands on your shoulders. “It’s hard. I know. Trust me, do I fucking know, but it’s not about us and our feelings right now. It’s about Jay. You’ll get through this for Jay.”

“He’s in there.” You gulp. “It’s all real, and he’s…”

Your friend nods. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s real.”

Your throat constricts again, and you glance around. His family—his parents and younger brother—are in the front of the room, sitting down together. Much to your surprise, they’re not all sobbing, but the redness to his mother’s cheeks tells you she may have just shed too many tears to keep going.

“This is the last time you’ll ever see him,” Chenle says quietly. “You don’t have to go up there if you don’t want to, but I think you’ll regret it if you don’t. They put him in that stupid band shirt he never wanted to throw away.”

Your heart pangs, and warmth and fondness takes over. “Well, good thing he never did, huh?”

“Exactly.” Chenle chuckles. “I’ll go with you.”

Once you nod, he resumes his spot next to you and guides you up to your best friend to say goodbye. You don’t stay there long. After you see him, you’re sure you’ve been changed forever. It’s odd how serene and peaceful he looks. How nothing about him has really changed when everything about you and your life now has.

You speak briefly with his family, who are all thankful you came across the country for this—as if you’d ever miss it. You just wish you’d had that need to go home when death wasn’t involved. Yours, Jay’s, and Chenle’s parents stay at the funeral after you and Chenle leave. The two of you mutually agreed Jay would punch you both if he knew you were held up because of him.

You go to a cafe together, and despite you having zero appetite, Chenle insists you get something to eat. Grasping your warm coffee cup in both hands, you stare down at the steam while your friend is up at the counter waiting for everything else. You look out the window, watching the cars zoom past.

“It’s a little weird having you back here,” Chenle mentions as he sits down across from you.

“Well.” You sip your coffee. “It wasn’t exactly in the plan.”

“How long are you here for?”

“I took extended leave,” you tell him. “I’ll be here for a few months.”

He purses his lips and nods. “This town isn’t so great without you, you know. Jay and I used to talk about it all the time.”

“Yeah.” Your breath hitches and you stare at the steam from your cup. “I’ve been so…far away this whole time, and now it’s too late to fix it all.”

“Hey, there’s nothing to fix,” he interjects, eyebrows furrowed. “You’re out there making a life for yourself. We’ve never been anything but fucking proud of you, dude. You had the courage to get out. Neither of us ever could’ve attempted that.”

“Did he even get the chance?” You let out a pained laugh and set your coffee on the table.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it. He loved you, okay? Our friendship has always been easy. You don’t need to talk to people or see them every day to stay friends.” Chenle reaches across the table and grabs your hand.

Your shoulders slump. “God, you’re going through this at the same time I am and I’m just…making it about me. What’s going on with you?”

“Everyone grieves differently.” He pauses to think. “I’m…as okay as I can be, you know? But to be completely honest, I’m not sure how I am. Or what I’m gonna do. There’s not much I can do.”

“I still can’t believe it. He’s just…gone. How the hell do we keep going? It’ll never be the same.”

“You’re right,” Chenle agrees. “It’ll suck. It already does. But we’ll get through this together. I’m here for you.”

You squeeze his hand and give him a small smile. “And I’m here for you, of course. I’m gonna be better about staying in touch and visiting.”

“Where are you staying?” he asks.

“Well, my parents turned my room into a home gym, so I got a hotel for now.” You chuckle. “They really thought I was never coming back.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” His eyes widen. “You’re gonna stay in a hotel for a few months? Just come stay with me.”

“I didn’t want to impose on anyone.”

He presses his lips into a thin line. “C’mon, you’re not imposing and you know it. Plus, you haven’t seen the new house yet, so you may as well.”

“That’s right.” You gasp and shoot straight up. “You fucking bought a house.”

He grins. “Yeah, I did. And there’s plenty of space for you there. Plus, it’ll be better for both of us if we’re not alone right now.”

“You’re gonna make me play board games.”

“Obviously.” He scrunches up his nose. “You would have to even if you were staying in the hotel.”

Familiarity finally sets in, and the awkward air between you and Chenle has officially evaporated completely. He’s still your best friend, and the weirdness was in your own head. The two of you spend a bit of time catching up at the cafe—at times, you even find yourself laughing.

You missed your hometown. The friends you had when you were growing up. What a shame you’re missing one of the most pivotal people in your entire life. Your younger years were shaped and reformed by your friendship with Jay and Chenle.

When some girl bullied you in middle school, the boys were the first people to come to your defense. They’d walk you to and from class, and Chenle even called that girl out. In high school, when you got your first boyfriend, Jay and Chenle grilled him thoroughly. They were your family, and you were theirs.

One of the only times you’d seen Chenle cry was when he and Jay dropped you off at the airport when you were leaving for college. You hugged both of them so tightly, and you promised to visit often. They said they’d come see you, and that you’d never go too long without them.

Naive promises turn into friendships where you love each other, but you rarely see or hear from the other. Every time you did see them, it truly felt like no time had passed.

You and Chenle get into your car, and he directs you to his house. He tells you a little about it on the way—it’s not too big, two bedrooms, one bathroom, but the kitchen is really nice. He likes to cook, so, of course, that was a deciding factor when he was looking.

Your bags are still in the back, so he helps you grab them. He slings your backpack over his shoulder and grabs the larger of your two bags. Everything about your hometown feels foreign to you as you follow him inside. He flicks the lights on, and the first thing you notice is that same picture of you, Jay, and Chenle that you’d seen at the funeral home.

It’s framed in the center of the wall, and as soon as you see it, you exhale. Chenle stops mid-sentence, walking up to stand next to you.

“That’s my favorite picture of us.” He tilts his head. “He made fun of me for putting that up.”

“He’s always been so weird about mushy gushy friendship feelings.” You purse your lips. “Despite being the sappiest fucking guy I know.”

“He’d be so pissed at all of us for being sad.” Chenle chuckles. “He’d kill me if I let you stay in a hotel, too.”

“The last time I talked to him, he’d just broken up with that girl. What was her name?”

“I don’t even remember. She was weird, though. Like, he barely talked to you and she was all threatened I guess. You and Jay? You two would end up putting each other in headlocks.” He snorts and runs his fingers through his hair.

“We have put each other in headlocks,” you remind him, nudging his shoulder. “And I vaguely remember kicking his ass.”

“Oh, I don’t know if I’d consider that kicking his ass.”

“This…This feeling will go away eventually, right?” For some reason, you can’t lift your voice higher than a whisper as you force the words out.

“Which one? The gaping hole or the soul-crushing anxiety?” He throws his arm over your shoulders.

“Both.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think so.” He sighs. “I’ve heard from many that you kinda just…learn how to live with it.”

“Even though he can’t.”

“Even though he can’t,” Chenle repeats. “Guess the hardest part of all of this is that he won’t grow up with us, huh?”

You inhale sharply and cover your mouth. “Damn it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he says. “I’ve been a damn roller coaster this whole week. You don’t have to be scared to feel around me. You know that.”

“It feels so fucking selfish,” you breathe out. “I haven’t seen him in…months, so do I even really have the right to be this sad?”

“Are you kidding me?” Chenle scoffs.

“Would he even want me here right now?”

“Do you hear yourself?” Your friend gapes at you. “He never stopped talking about the next time you’d be in town. Neither of us have ever even had a negative thought about you, dude. You should know that. There was never a time where he didn’t want you here.”

“I guess I just thought we’d have more time,” you say.

“The world waits for no one.”

When nightfall comes, you and Chenle go to your separate rooms. He bids you goodnight, and you close your door. You sit on the edge of the bed and take in the room around you. Everything has changed immensely since the last time you were in your hometown. Your best friend bought a house, and you’d barely even thought or heard about it. Pride in him surges through you, but for a moment, you think it may be misplaced.

You don’t deserve to be proud of someone you’ve failed to talk to as often as you should have. Losing Jay has torn your world apart, and you still don’t truly believe it. You change into your tank top and shorts, and then grab your toothbrush and toothpaste from your bag.

You’re on your way to the bathroom when you find Chenle in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and bringing a glass of water up to his lips. He gives you a tired nod.

“You’re still up?”

“Sleep on a day like this?” He lets out a sarcastic laugh. “I’ll probably have some crazy ass dream or something.”

You forget your adventure to his bathroom and approach the kitchen island. Without a word between the two of you, he goes into the cupboard to get you a cup as well. He fills it with water and slides it across the countertop.

“Thanks,” you say.

He nods once and crosses his arms over his chest. “How’s life going, though? Current events aside.”

“Life is a constant revolving door of work,” you tell him. “Working my way up the corporate ladder and all that bullshit they spew.”

“You look good. As long as you’re getting all the things you wanted, I’m good, too.” He closes his eyes and tilts his head back.

“Kind of debating if it was worth it at this point.” You sigh. “I’m proud of you, by the way. Buying a house on your own is a big deal.”

“Family business money.”

“You work. You earned it.”

“I guess that’s true. Thanks.” He pauses. “I’m glad you’re here. I don’t think I’d be okay if you weren’t.”

“Like I’d ever leave you to deal with something like this alone.” You tap your fingers against the granite, admiring the swirls of color deep in the design.

“Regardless, I needed you.” Chenle gulps, glancing at his feet. “I still do. Now more than ever with Jay gone.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t come?” you ask.

He wets his lips and takes the bottom one between his teeth. “It’s not that I thought that, necessarily, but I did wonder if you were. I didn’t hear from you, so I kind of just hoped.”

Guilt takes another stab at your heart. “Chenle, I—”

“Don’t apologize again,” he replies sternly. “Life is life. There’s no way any of us could’ve predicted this, okay? Sometimes, shit happens. Not being around a lot isn’t the end of the world.”

“It was for Jay.”

“You were not the end of the world. You didn’t kill him, for fuck’s sake. There’s nothing any of us could’ve done. And reminiscing on it like this and placing unplaceable blame on ourselves is going to make things harder.” He sets his cup in the sink.

“I know. I know that, but for some reason, my head keeps—”

“Let’s watch a movie,” he offers. “Maybe it’ll distract you a little bit.”

You agree, and go into the bathroom to brush your teeth before you follow him into his room. It’s so innately Chenle in there, you immediately feel relaxed. Some things never change, and you’re glad he’s one of those things.

“Sorry, I don’t have a TV in the living room,” he says as he pulls his covers back.

“Just roll me off if I fall asleep,” you reply, climbing onto the untouched side.

Eventually, he’s next to you, and you rest your head on his chest while he finds something to watch. He selects some random comedy movie and then shuffles to put his arm around you.

His scent is familiar, too. The world calms around you when you’re with Chenle. One out of two of your safe places has left the Earth, but luckily for you, Chenle is more than ready to play both roles.

The movie does, indeed, successfully distract you from the impending doom of everything outside. You’re able to forget, even if it’s just for a couple hours, and sink into the familiarity of your best friend.

His chest rumbles when he laughs at the screen, and the feeling has you drifting faster than you’d care to admit.

Until finally, your eyes flutter shut and stay that way, and just like that, you have the best night of sleep you’ve had all week.

You wake in the morning to sunlight on your face and Chenle wiggling away from you. The brightness burns your eyes, and you curse under your breath. Chenle bites back a laugh.

“Did I wake you up?” he asks. “I was about to go make some coffee for us.”

You shake your head and turn onto your back. “No, the sun violated me. Sorry for falling asleep in here. I thought I’d be able to catch myself.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He waves you off. “You still like your coffee the same way?”

You nod. “Thanks, Lele.”

“Of course.” He pats the door frame and heads to the kitchen. The creaks in the floorboards from his steps get further and further, and you cover your face with your hands to block out the sun.

You smell the coffee as it brews, a sigh escaping your lips. His bed is the most comfortable thing you’ve slept on in a while, and you can’t seem to force yourself to get up. You and Chenle had spent the night together many times before, pretty much throughout your entire lives. Jay, too, of course, considering how inseparable the three of you had been growing up.

“Alright, lazy ass,” Chenle calls out. “Coffee’s ready. Time to face the world.”

“Asshole,” you shout back.

“That’s what they call me.”

You laugh and roll your eyes. Swinging the covers off of you, you follow him into the kitchen.

“The fuck is your mattress made of?” you ask as you take the cup he hands you. “Clouds?”

“It’s pretty nice, isn’t it?” He sips his coffee and cringes from the heat.

“The steam is like, a dead giveaway that it’s too hot to drink, you know.”

“I take back what I said, go back to sleep.” He grins. “Getting a decent night’s sleep has brought your sass back.”

“You know you love my sass,” you bite back.

He holds his hand up in mock surrender. “Whatever.”

“What’s the plan for today?” you ask, holding your cup close so it warms you up.

“No clue,” he says. “My parents gave me a few weeks off to, I don’t know, adjust or whatever. Even though I could probably use the distraction.”

“Comedy movie didn’t do it for you?”

He gives you a pointed look. “A two hour movie can only do so much.”

“We should do something for him,” you suggest, tilting your head as you try to think. “Like, to honor him.”

“What could we do?”

“Sky’s the limit.” You shrug. “I feel like I should.”

“If you do, it needs to be actually for him. Not to compensate for guilt. Guilt you shouldn’t even be feeling, by the way.” His eyes on you suddenly becomes too much. You avert your gaze. He’s always been able to read you like a book.

“It’s really weird,” you say. “Right now, I don’t feel…anything. But I really thought I’d be in a constant state of sad. That makes me feel guilty, too.”

“I get that. It’s the way things work, though. At the end of the day, we’re still alive. We shouldn’t stop just because he did.” Chenle looks past you to the picture on the wall.

You follow suit, letting the events from yesterday flood back to you.

“Lele.” You wait for him to look at you. “Thank you. For everything. And for not letting me blame myself. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d be alone and sad and, quite honestly, wondering where I—”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” You glare at him.

He smiles. “You get it.”

You and Chenle spend some time with your parents. They’re quick to update you on everything everyone in the town has been doing, and you and Chenle exchange ‘when-will-this-be-over’ glances frequently. 

Chenle offers to help your dad cook, leaving you and your mother in the living room. She brings out an old photo album, and the two of you take a trip down memory lane. After flipping through a few pages, she gasps and points at a picture of you and Chenle next to each other at a bonfire. You’re holding the graham crackers, awaiting the marshmallow he’s toasting over the flames.

“You guys were so young.” She lets out a long sigh.

“Mom, that was like, six years ago.” You laugh. “We weren’t that young.”

She trails down the page, and the next one is almost the same, but Jay’s arms are around you and Chenle, and he beams straight into the camera. You smile at the sight, remembering how you swatted at his wrist the second after the photo was taken.

“You know, we all thought you and Jay would get married one day,” she says absent-mindedly.

“What?” you ask incredulously. “Seriously? Come on, you know we were never like that.”

“You kids don’t see it from the outside. I’ve never seen you act so comfortable with anyone. Chenle, too, obviously. I can’t explain it. It was different with you and Jay.”

“I promise you, he’s only ever been my best friend. Not even a smidge of another thought. Don’t speak ill of the dead like that—”

“(Y/N),” your mother scolds you, smacking your arm.

“No need to beat around the bush.” You shrug and close the album.

“Hey, do you—” Chenle’s cut off by your mother.

“If you actually visited as much as you said you would, maybe things would’ve happened for the two of you.”

She doesn’t mean it the way you take it, at least you don’t think she does, but it’s a stray bullet to the heart anyway. Your jaw drops, and it only takes one glance from Chenle for him to understand. He reaches into his pocket and hands you his keys.

“Go get in the car.”

“Chenle, it’s not—”

“Go. I’ll be out in a second.”

Your insides twist and turn, and despite the way your throat closes in on itself, you nod and practically bolt out of the house. The first tear drops as you climb into the passenger seat. You close your eyes and drop your head into your hands. How did life turn out this way?

It’s true that you and Jay had never had any sort of feelings for each other, but the insinuation that he should’ve been more confuses you more than anything. If he should’ve been, you lost that chance before you even knew it existed. But it doesn’t matter, does it?

You never had feelings for him. Never. But for some reason, it suddenly feels like you have to.

Now, a different type of guilt sinks in.

You’re shaking by the time Chenle gets in the car, but he doesn’t say anything before he drives away. Stress boils off of him, and you’re almost scared to glance over at him. Luckily, the ride to his house is short thanks to your small hometown, and as soon as you’re out of the car and inside, he lets out a loud sigh.

You intend to quietly and quickly head into your own room, where you’ll cry until you fall asleep or you need more water before you can shed a single additional tear.

“Don’t even think about it,” Chenle says, grabbing onto your wrist. “Talk to me.”

You stumble into his chest and hold onto his T-shirt like your life depends on it. He cradles the back of your head and sighs, thumb stroking your scalp.

“Don’t let them get to you,” he whispers. “They don’t understand.”

“What if she was right?” you choke out.

He leans away from you to look at your face. “Did you? Ever have feelings for him?”

“No, but what if—”

“There’s no use thinking about things like that.” Chenle’s brows furrow as he scans over your face.

“And now I’ll never know if he ever thought like that, and it’s my fault—it’s not what I wanted, because you know I’d rather fist fight him than anything else, but God, what if he—”

“(Y/N).” His palms reach up to cup your cheeks, making you look straight at him as he guides you to breathe. “I can very confidently say that Jay didn't have any sort of romantic feelings for you at any point, okay? Just take a deep breath.”

“I look like an idiot, don’t I?”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “No, you don’t. You look like someone who really cares for someone they just lost. These feelings are normal, dude.”

“I don’t think you were ever worried about Jay potentially having feelings for you,” you mumble.

“He was very much into women, so definitely never a worry on my part.” Chenle snorts and pulls you back into a hug. “She shouldn’t have said something like that to you. You’re probably hungry, too. I’ll order us some pizza.”

“Let me pay for it,” you say, reaching into your purse for your card.

“Next time.” He nudges you before walking into the kitchen.

You sigh and follow him, quickly wiping the wetness from your cheeks. He’s typing away on his phone screen, resting his elbows on the counter. He runs his fingers through his hair and sends a quick smile your way.

Without Jay around, things with Chenle felt off at first. Everything changed for all of the people you knew in the blink of an eye, and now, you’re left with one of two of your best friends while the other is galavanting up in the sky.

Things would never be the same for you, but you still have Chenle. And at the end of the day, he’s one of the only people in the entire world that have ever understood you. You don’t even need to say a word for him to get a read on you.

“Pizza’s ordered.” He drops his phone onto the granite. “I need a drink. Do you want something? I only have beer and liquor.”

“Beer’s fine,” you tell him. “I shouldn’t drink too much anyway.”

You’re halfway through the can when the pizza arrives. Chenle grabs you a piece, and you pause for a moment. This whole time, he’s been doing things for you—and it’s not just now either. It’s been like this for your entire life. Until the time you moved across the country on your own, you’d barely ever even opened a door for yourself.

You down the rest of your drink, and Chenle blinks at you rapidly.

“Are you good?” He chuckles.

“Just thinking of how good I had it here.” You shrug. “When I lived here, and I got to hang out with you and Jay all the time. I never felt lonely or sad or anything like that. Always happy with you guys.”

His face softens. “I miss those days.”

“Me too.” Right when you open your mouth to continue, Chenle stops you.

“Don’t.” He points at you. “We were the ones who told you to go in the first place.”

The two of you eat in a peaceful silence, where you steal a couple glances at your long time friend. Had you come home any other time before this, Jay would be here, too, and he’d most likely be making fun of you and Chenle right now. It’s like things have gone back to day one, and neither of you are sure how to interact with each other. The atmosphere, the air, the storyline has all massively shifted. You’re unsure of what to do.

“I’m gonna watch another movie,” Chenle says absentmindedly as he finishes sending a message on his phone. “You in?”

“Oh, not this time.” You shake your head. “I’m exhausted. Last thing you need is me hogging your bed again all night.”

He laughs. “Door’s open if you change your mind. Night.”

“Goodnight,” you tell him, watching as he retreats into his room.

The click signifies he’s out of sight, out of mind. You let out a long sigh and clean up your plate before heading into your own room. It’s not as homey as Chenle’s, and the mattress isn’t as cloudy either, but you’ll make do. With a deep breath, you rest back on your pillow, staring up at the ceiling.

Part of you wants to be with Chenle, but the other side of you knows you need to learn how to be okay on your own, too. If Jay’s death has taught you anything, it’s that not everyone you rely on will be around forever. Maybe if you’d relied on him less—

God damn it. You run your hands down your face, opting to scroll through your phone. Halfway through a random video, you receive a text from Chenle.

It’s a simple message of ‘found this and figured you’d want to see.’ It’s a picture of you and Jay, where you look like you’re ready to punch him in the face, and he’s beaming widely as if he’s the funniest person alive.

The photo makes you smile. Your memories of him will stand through the test of time, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel it. One thing’s for certain—his loss will always be felt. You’ll just try and make the most of the time you have left, because it’s very clearly fleeting.

You feel decent enough that you start to drift to sleep, but it’s your dreams that send you through a whirlwind. Images of your earlier years flash through your mind, and you relive some experiences you’d forgotten about. When Jay found out his first girlfriend cheated on him, or when he and Chenle got into their first ever argument and made you be the mediator. Happy memories suddenly came to an end when your dream showed him in his casket, surrounded by the people who love him—the people you abandoned to follow your dream.

You jolt awake, tears burning at your eyes despite refusing to fall. When you look at the clock, hours have passed, and it’s well into the middle of the night. You pat your cheeks to ground yourself to the real world, and overwhelming worry hits you.

What if you lose Chenle in the same way? What if all this time that was wasted is truly…gone, and you’ll never be able to make it up?

You never got to say goodbye to Jay. The days will continue to get colder, but he’ll always be cemented on a bright summer day in the middle of June. Winters without him will be like a frozen hell, and the summers will never be quite as sweet. Your heart pounds in your chest where your guilt resides, and there’s only one solution you know that’ll work.

You throw your blanket off your body and slide out of bed. The floors of Chenle’s house creak beneath your feet as you walk the short distance from your room to his. You contemplate knocking first, but you’re pretty sure he’s asleep anyway.

When you push the door open, the noise catches his attention. He turns over, eyebrows furrowed as he catches you in the frame.

“(Y/N)?”

“Hey,” you mutter, clasping your hands together. “Sorry, I thought you’d be asleep.”

“Nah.” He sits up. “Not doing too great at that these days.”

“Oh. Well, um, do you wanna watch that movie?”

Chenle smiles gently at you and pats the other side of his bed. “For sure.”

You end up next to him, resting your head on him like you did last time. He wraps his arm around you and gently taps his fingers against your shoulder. Eventually, you completely relax and stare forward at the screen. Despite the movie playing, you already feel your tiredness pulling at you again.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly. “It’s just…late. You weren’t asleep?”

“I…” You pause and turn to look at him. “You want me to be honest?”

“Always.”

“I’m so…scared. I’m not really sure of what, but I have this ball of worry in me. It like, physically hurts.” You roll your eyes and tighten your grip on him.

“I get it,” he murmurs. “Seriously. When things like this happen, it’s normal to feel that way. And it doesn’t make you selfish.”

A lump forms in your throat. “I—Chenle, I don’t want to lose you, too.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he reassures you, pulling you closer to hug you. “I promise you, you’ll always have me.”

“But we never know, do we?” Your voice shakes. “All of it could be over in the blink of an eye—”

He cups your cheeks. “Just relax, okay? I’m right here. I’ve thought the same things about you, you know. To the point where I’m scared to let you out of my sight. But living in fear is worse than not living at all.”

“What do we do without…” You groan as the first tear falls, but before you reach up to wipe it away, Chenle beats you to it.

“We do exactly what he’d want us to do. Keep going and make life whatever we want it to be. He’d be so pissed if he knew we were sad right now.”

“God, he would.” You let out a short laugh. “He’s glaring at us, isn’t he?”

“Oh, for sure. For this and for having a fucking sleepover without him.” Chenle’s smile widens.

“He loved sleepovers.”

“He was insufferable about them,” he interjects.

“Thank you,” you whisper. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’ll never have to find out,” he says, and despite the obvious part of all of it being out of his control, something settles in you.

Your brows furrow as you gulp, studying him to figure out what about this feels…shifted. Things don’t feel like they have every single time you’ve come home in the past, but that may be because of the obvious. There was always three of you. How do you recover from that and become two?

“You don’t have to feel weird about staying in here,” Chenle tells you. “I sleep better when I’m not alone, anyway.”

“It’s not just being alone…I think I sleep better because it’s you.” You curl further into him, and he squeezes you gently.

“Me too.” He runs his fingers through your hair.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“What did you say earlier? To my mom.”

“Oh, not much.” He shrugs. “Just that it was shitty to say something like that to you after everything that’s happened recently. And that you already feel bad enough, and she doesn’t need to make it worse when it’s not your fault to begin with.”

“Not much, huh?” You chuckle.

“It wasn’t enough,” he replies. “I could’ve ranted for hours about how that whole thing was bullshit. But I figured you’d be hungry, so I took you home instead.”

Home.

His home. Not yours. But you’ve never quite felt like you belonged anywhere as much as you do right now. You slide your legs to tangle them with his, and he intertwines his fingers with yours. Without explanation, your heart skips a beat. The warmth of his palm against yours has your mind in overdrive, but you don’t acknowledge it.

“Try and get some sleep,” he whispers.

You nod, terrified of shattering whatever shroud of calm is over you. Instead of a verbal response, you just close your eyes and try to ignore whatever that nagging feeling is snapping at the back of your brain.

Chenle lets out a short sigh, and it doesn’t take long for his breathing to even out. You listen to the steady thumping of his heart, the rhythm guiding you closer to falling asleep. It doesn’t matter what happens. He’s alive. The sound you’re hearing is proof of that, so at that moment you make a vow to yourself. To him.

You’ll never let distance separate you two again. You’ll never let him go the same way you did with Jay.

You’re going to be better.

And that promise, resounding in your soul, is enough to make the night around you fade to black.

A week and a half passes, and you’ve yet to spend an entire night on your own. You try, but every single time, either your or Chenle cave. Sometimes, he’d crawl into your bed without a word, pull you close to him, and breathe you in before falling asleep in silence.

He very quickly becomes your comfort. The only person you want to be around or talk to in the wake of a monumental loss. You try not to let Jay consume your thoughts, but every time you allow your mind to wander, he’s waiting for you at every corner.

The only time you’re truly at ease is with Chenle, and you’ve started getting used to being around him all the time. Today in particular, the two of you decided to have an impromptu picnic in the backyard, the sunset turning the sky oranges and pinks. Both of you lie flat on a blanket he spread out, staring up at the clouds as they scour across the sky.

An empty wine bottle is on the grass not even a foot away from you, and another one is half empty in between you and Chenle. You’ve had just enough to bring a calm, steady feeling over you, and you’re able to forget the world for a moment.

Your best friend lets out a sigh, shuffling a bit closer to you.

“What’s up?” you ask him, turning your head to look at him.

You’re lost in the way the sunset illuminates his face, how overwhelming Chenle he is while equally being reminiscent of an angel.

“You think he’s up there?” he whispers.

Your gaze returns to the sky. “I’d like to think so.”

“He better be. We both know he wouldn’t last a day in Hell.” He chuckles to himself, shaking his head. “I guess I’ve been thinking like that recently. About where we go after…”

“You know I’ve always had a sixth sense about him.” You nudge his arm. “Wherever he is, he’s happy. I can feel it.”

“God, I hope so.” Chenle inhales sharply. “I just wish…I don’t know. That there was something I could’ve done to prevent all of this.”

“Don’t. You’re the one who told me the what-ifs are pointless. There’s nothing we can do to change that he’s gone, but we keep him alive in our memories. That’s what he’d want.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he admits as he clasps his hands together over his stomach.

“What do you mean?” you ask.

He wets his lips. “Jay’s gone. You’ll go back to work eventually. It’ll just be me here, and I—am I behind? Should I be doing something with my fucking life?”

“Chenle—”

“You’ve got these amazing opportunities out there for you, (Y/N). Jay doesn’t get the chance to try, and I’m gonna waste my fucking life away in this God damned town.” He gulps and lets out a defeated sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be doing this right now. And I hope you know this isn’t your fault—”

“Zhong Chenle, would you look at me?” you snap, waiting for him to turn his head.

Chenle furrows his eyebrows, and as his eyes meet yours, you see the desperate worry behind them. The fear of a meaningless life after the loss of a friend who could never do better now that he’s gone, and the knowledge that his other friend got out while she could.

You know him like the back of your hand. He doesn’t want this life. Truth be told, he never did. He wanted to make something of himself, much like you were doing now, and he never got the chance. No moves were made.

You want to tell him there’s still time, but you know better than to go there at this point. With a soft smile, you reach over and cup his cheek, allowing your thumb to run over his cheekbone.

“It’s not your fault. There was nothing either of us could do to stop this, okay? And do you know how pissed Jay would be hearing you talk about yourself like this? Chenle, you’re the best person I’ve ever known. If there���s anyone in this world who can take it by storm, it’s you.” You pause and take a deep breath. “Jay…dying doesn’t mean you have to lay here and die, too.”

“I needed you,” he says. “When he died, I needed you, and you were here. And you always know what to say or what to do. Helping you took the thoughts away from me, because as long as you needed me, I was distracted from feeling fucking helpless about everything.”

“I needed you, too,” you tell him.

His frown deepens, but his gaze softens. Your heart seems to skip a beat, and you still haven’t moved your hand from his face. The stare you’re locked in with him has energy thrumming through your veins, and the atmosphere around you shifts. A slight purple hue from the sky flutters against his skin.

“I still do,” he murmurs.

You nod. “Me, too. I’m not going anywhere, Lele.”

As his eyes travel down to your mouth, you quickly find yourself doing the same. Your imagination runs wild, wondering what his lips would feel like against yours. Everything that happens next is so quick, you almost don’t believe it’s true.

Both of you seem to lean forward at the same time, and his mouth brushes yours. His hand ends up on your hip, and yours moves up to his hair. The soft strands have your breath hitching, and the next thing you know, he’s kissing you. You’re kissing him. You’ve never considered anything like this with Chenle before, but nothing in your life has ever felt so right.

His lips work so perfectly against yours, you forget about absolutely everything except for him. Fingers gripping onto the fabric of your shirt, he shifts closer to you to close the rest of the distance. You attempt to follow his lead, but you’re interrupted by the wine bottle between you falls right onto your lap, the deep red liquid making you gasp as it soaks into your pants.

“Shit,” you curse, jolting away from Chenle.

He quickly grabs some of the paper towel he brought outside and attempts to soak up the alcohol soaked into your clothing. His hand presses against your thigh, and with a gasp, you realize what truly happened.

You just kissed Chenle. You would’ve continued kissing him, too, if the stupid bottle hadn’t been in the way. But now you’ve got his fingers digging into your leg, the warmth zinging through your veins like lightning as you swat his hands away.

“(Y/N), I—”

“Don’t.” You shake your head. “Everything’s fine.”

You quickly stand and make your way into his house to change. And to avoid what will come of this situation. Once you’re in your room, you close the door and lock it behind you, sinking down until you’re sitting on the floor.

You don’t care about your pants. Every aspect of your life has been upheaved this week. You don’t need things to change with Chenle, too. Ever since you were little, you, Jay, and Chenle had always been open and honest with each other—probably too much, in hindsight, but you trusted them both with your life. As far as you were aware, none of you had ever even come close to romantic feelings for each other.

When Chenle said he needs you, is that what he meant? Does he need you or does he need someone?

Your calm buzz from the wine has disappeared, and now panic sets in. You already lost one best friend, and you refuse to lose another. It doesn’t matter how much you wanted to kiss him. Or how much you enjoyed it. Or how badly you want to go out there and ask him what the hell he was thinking.

You flinch at the knocking.

“(Y/N)? Are you okay?” His voice is strained, like he’s having just as hard of a time as you are.

When you don’t answer, you hear a shuddering breath escape him.

“(Y/N), please,” he pleads. “I’m so sorry. Seriously, I have no idea what came over me, and I just—I need you, okay? I can’t be alone right now.”

You sniffle and stand up, cracking the door open so you can see him.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “Please don’t hate me.”

“You idiot, I could never hate you,” you reassure him, pulling him into a hug.

He sighs in relief, the tension in his body deflating as he holds you as tightly as he can. And before you know it, he’s shuddering in your grasp, his body wracked with sobs. Your heart shatters, and you cradle the back of his head. He practically collapses into you, and it has both of you on the floor.

You’ve never seen him like this before. Worry has your stomach twisting and turning, and all you can do is run your fingers through his hair and make sure he knows you’re here. That you’ll never go anywhere without him again.

“I’m so sorry.” Barely coherent, he tightens his grip on you.

“It’s okay,” you whisper, rocking him back and forth as you fight your own tears. “Everything’s okay. I promise, Lele, I’ve got you.”

After a while of you rocking him back and forth, he stops crying. Your shirt is soaked, but you couldn’t care less. You know he needed this, to finally let go of every pent up emotion trapped in his heart, and you want to make sure his thoughts won’t build up like that again.

He falls asleep against you, his grip not loosening. Eventually, you doze off too.

When you wake up, you quickly realize you’re now laying in your bed. The room is pitch black, and it takes you a moment to adjust. Chenle’s nowhere to be found, even when you pat the bed next to you to see if he’d taken his normal spot.

You toss the blanket off your lap. Before leaving the room, you change your wine-stained pants to shorts, and swap your shirt out for a T-shirt. As you walk into the kitchen, you’re surprised to find the light on. Chenle sits at the table, a glass filled with bronze liquid in front of him. With his palms covering his face, he sighs.

“Lele,” you mutter, voice hoarse from sleep.

His tired eyes meet yours, and he quickly averts his gaze and takes a sip of his drink. You shuffle closer and sit directly across from him, clasping your fingers together.

“You’re still up?” you ask.

He nods once.

“Can you talk to me please? This is scaring me.”

He gulps. “I’m so sorry. For earlier. All of it. I have no idea what got into me, and then just—I should’ve left you alone after, too, and I didn’t, and I feel like a fucking ass—”

“Clearly, you’ve had some pent up emotions going on. It’s okay to be confused about them, and I’d never be mad at you for needing me. You’re my best friend. One kiss is not going to ruin us or something. If this is the first time you’ve cried for real since Jay died, you needed that, too.”

“I’m…I don’t know. Embarrassed?”

“Oh, come on.” You scoff. “You’ve done way more embarrassing things in your life that I’ve witnessed.”

“It’s different now.” He frowns.

“Different? How?”

“Everything is different. Jay’s gone, we’ve both changed as people, our families barely even talk anymore. And you know they’ve been best friends for as long as we’ve been alive. If they can drift apart, does that mean we will, too?” he rants, tugging his fingers through his hair.

“Is that what last night was about?”

“I can’t lose you, okay? I panicked last night after I kissed you, ‘cause it felt like I’d ruined everything. And you like, ran away from me, and I—shit, I don’t know. Everything inside me just…froze. All I could think about was that if you left me, too, I’d be completely alone.” He downs the last of his drink, cringing as the liquid rolls down his throat.

“I would never leave you. No matter what.” You reach across the table and grab his hand. “Whatever that meant for you, whether it was an impulsive decision or if you truly wanted it, you can be honest with me. We’re going through a big change right now, you know. Things are going to be confusing and the only way we’ll ever get through it is if we talk about those confusing things.”

He stares where you’re touching him, jaw tightening as his chest rises. “It wasn’t the first time I wanted to.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry if that’s weird—”

“Don’t. Just keep talking.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with me, honestly. I just…it feels like you’re the only person who understands me. The only one who ever will understand me.” His voice shakes as he speaks, and his grip tightens. “Ever since you’ve been back, things have…changed for me, I guess.”

Your heart pounds, apparently hammering against your throat and making it hard to breathe. You refuse to allow any reaction to come out until he’s done, because that’ll counteract everything you’re trying to do here.

“And I don’t know how they’ve changed, to be fair. It’s different. That’s all I know. We’re closer than we’ve ever been, and um…” He closes his eyes, forehead wrinkling as he gains the courage to continue.

“It’s okay,” you tell him. “Keep talking. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I think I…like you.” Chenle’s shoulders slump as the words escape him. “But this is so…so much right after everything with Jay, and I don’t know if I really do, or if it’s because—”

“I get it, Lele.” You send a small smile his way. “It’s not weird, and I completely understand what you’re talking about. At the end of the day, we’ll always be best friends. So if this is something you want to explore, the worst case scenario is we end up right back to being friends, right?”

His widened eyes dart back to yours, shock evident on his face. “What?”

“There’s only one way to figure out if it’s real or if it’s a product of circumstances.” You shrug. “And honestly, I’ve been…the same, I think. I kissed you out there, too. But we don’t have to make this weird. We can let things naturally progress if they do, and until then, we’ll just be us. Okay?”

“How long?” he asks quietly. “When did you start…”

“The night we came back here after everything my mom said,” you tell him. “I needed you, and you refused to leave my side.”

“It was that day for me, too. I saw the look on your face when she said all those things to you. The thought of you and Jay like that got me thinking, I guess.” He lets out a sigh of relief. “Thank you for not making this weird.”

“It doesn’t have to be. We’re both adults and we’ve known each other our whole lives. There’s nothing wrong with…exploring something as long as we’ll be okay after if it doesn’t work out.” You release his hand and grab the cup in front of him.

When you stand to put it in the sink, he leans back in his chair and watches you. You’re surprised by yourself, truly, because you expected some sort of awkwardness to start between the two of you after your conversation, but everything feels the same.

You make eye contact with him over your shoulder, and he gives you a small smile. When you make it back over to him, you put your hands on his shoulders.

“You need to get some rest,” you tell him.

“Come with me?” He places his hand over yours.

“Sure.”

He stands, and when he faces you again, the distance between the two of you is minuscule. You’ve known the man in front of you for your whole life. You’ve spent all that time with him, never quite feeling the way you do now.

Maybe it’s because of Jay’s passing, and the two of you are desperately grasping onto something familiar. There’s a pretty decent chance of that, but also…maybe this is how things were always meant to be.

You’re not entirely sure what to expect at this moment, but he pulls you into a hug, squeezing you tightly. You relax in his grasp, returning his gesture with ease. When he lets you go, he grabs your hand and leads you to his bedroom, and just like most nights before this one, the two of you quickly fall asleep wrapped up in each other.

A few days pass with no changes. You woke up first this morning, so you head into his kitchen to start the coffee. Leaning the small of your back on the counter, you close your eyes and inhale the scent of the dark, brewing liquid. Chenle’s shirt hangs off your shoulder, and it’s almost long enough to cover your shorts.

There’s a short knock on the front door, and with a frown, you move to answer it. When you open it, you’re surprised to find a woman behind it. She seems familiar, but you can’t place it.

“(Y/N)?” She frowns, eyeing you. “What are you doing here?”

You chuckle. “Sorry, do we know each other?”

“Oh, you probably don’t know me. Chenle and I dated not too long ago, and he used to tell me about you all the time. I heard about Jay and wanted to stop by and make sure he was okay.”

“Oh, he’s—” You pause, wondering what you should even say to this girl. “He’s sleeping right now. If you come back later, I’m sure he’ll be…um, accepting of conversation.”

Recognition comes back to you as soon as she explains who she is. They broke up over six months ago, and while Chenle didn’t really tell you why, he said he broke up with her. You hear footsteps behind you, and relief floods when you feel Chenle’s presence behind you.

“Did you need something?” he asks her.

“I, um, I heard about Jay. I know how close you guys were, so I wanted to see how you were doing. How are you doing? It’s probably good that (Y/N)’s back, right?” she rambles, clasping her hands together behind her back.

“Thanks for stopping by, but I’m alright. Having (Y/N) back is great, and you should probably get going.” Chenle’s tone stays steady, and you’re shocked to find him so stern with her.

“Chenle, I—”

“I don’t know what your goal was in showing up here, but you shouldn’t have. (Y/N), close the door please.”

You shoot a nervous glance over your shoulder, and then an awkward smile to the girl on the other side, and then do as he says. After, you turn to face him with a raised eyebrow.

“Not even worth the conversation,” he says, shaking his head. “Is that coffee I smell?”

You nod.  “Yep, I figured you’ve made me enough coffee, so it’s probably my turn.”

You rest the small of your back against the counter, and he approaches you, placing his hands on either side of you as he leans closer to you. Your heart races, lodged in your throat as you await his next move.

“You know, your eyes dilate when you look at me,” he teases you.

“Shut up.” You gently push at his chest and laugh. “It’s only because you piss me off.”

“Not according to science.” He gives you a smug grin.

“I cannot believe you’re flirting with me right now,” you tell him, scoffing. “I haven’t even had any coffee yet. I can’t keep up.”

It’s been days since the kiss. So much time has passed, and he hasn’t even so much as tried to kiss you again. The way his gaze flicks down and his smile fades has every logical thought escaping your brain.

“Relax,” he whispers. “It’ll never feel normal if you don’t.”

You let the tension release from your shoulders, and you nod. His hand slides beneath the hem of your shirt, the warmth of his palm directly on your hip. Your face heats up at the gesture, unsure of how to reciprocate or let him know you like it.

“I think we should really talk about all of that, though.” You clear your throat.

He quirks an eyebrow at you. “We’ll talk about it soon. Not at this very second.”

He lifts his other hand to the back of your neck, his thumb stroking your skin as he leans forward. You meet him in the middle and grip onto his shoulders. The kiss is short, and as he pulls away, his eyes flutter open.

“Again,” you say.

He kisses you again, and this time, he moves a little closer to you to make sure his chest is against yours. His fingers weave into your hair, and you let out a short moan. Embarrassment floods through you as you pull away from him and drop your head against his chest.

“Did you just—”

“Don’t you dare.” You shake your head.

“Maybe we should put everything out on the table,” he continues. “Like what…um, what we’re okay with during our…this, and what things are off-limits.”

“I would think that things shouldn’t be off-limits if we’re trying to see if this is real. If we’re…compatible.” Your cheeks burn as the words leave your mouth. “Why are we being like this? We’ve never been awkward talking about sex.”

His eyes widen and his face turns bright red. “Probably because we’ve never talked about sex together. Like me and you.”

“That’s really weird to think about.”

“Sure is.”

“Should we…move on? I think the coffee’s done.” You push his arm away so you can slide away from him. Clearing your throat, you grab two coffee cups from the cupboard.

Chenle leans his back against the counter where you’d just been, with his arms crossed over his chest. You make both coffees and mix them together before turning around to hand him his. He takes it with a smile and a quick thank you, and then you sip your own.

“So,” you start. “Tell me what happened with that girl.”

He sighs. “You really wanna know?”

“Of course, I do. It’s a little weird that I don’t know already.”

“She was weirdly obsessed with you and Jay. Like, constantly was bringing you up despite never having met you, and just…it was weird. Kinda gave me the vibes that she’d just be jealous all the time when you did come around.” He pauses, pursing his lips as he thinks further. “That, and she tried to fuck Jay.”

You choke on your coffee. “Hello? She did what?”

“Yep. Jay came to me immediately, obviously, and I broke up with her right after.” He shrugs. “We weren’t together for that long.”

“It was weird because she did act like she knew me.” You set your cup down on the counter and approach him again. Wrapping your arms around him, you place your head on his chest. He squeezes you closer to him.

“Jay and I talked about you all the time,” he reminds you. “C’mon, you’re our favorite person. Of course, everyone in our lives would know you.”

“You two have always loved to talk, that’s for sure.” You grin up at him, and he feigns annoyance and pokes your side.

It becomes an unspoken rule between the two of you that you’ll start trying to let things happen as naturally as possible. Living in a small town makes it nearly impossible to keep gossip from spreading, so any time you go out together, you make it look as friendly as possible. Regardless, people were going to talk anyway.

You and Chenle are halfway through a bottle of wine at dinner when both your mom and his mom show up. Chenle shares a panicked look with you, but you scoot over to let your mom sit down.

“What are you two doing here?” you ask.

“Yu Baeyoung said she saw you here.” Your mom nudges your arm.

You chuckle. “Yes, I’ve been around for almost a month and a half now.”

“No, silly, she means here. With Chenle,” his mom interjects.

Chenle’s face scrunches up. “Let’s not do this right now.”

“Do what?” Your mom’s brow raises.

“You guys have done this to us our entire lives.” You scratch the top of your head. “Can’t two friends enjoy dinner without meddling?”

“This is a nice place for a couple of friends to hang out.” His mom gestures to the wine. “Drink choice doesn’t seem friendly either.”

“Would you prefer us slamming shots of tequila?” Chenle presses his lips together in a thin line, but he’s incredibly stiff.

You decided not to tell your families about any of this for this exact reason—they’d get way too far ahead of themselves, and the last thing you need is for this not to work out and both sides asking hundreds of questions.

“Baeyoung said she’s seen you guys around together a lot, actually—”

“Mom, please.” Chenle lets out a long sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose. “If we had something to tell you, we’d let you know. And if you did think we were here for…I don’t know, whatever, why would you butt in instead of letting us continue?”

You grab your wine glass and finish off what’s left in it.

“We’re just curious.” Your mom pouts and crosses her arms over her chest. “I think you’d be good for each other—”

“For the love of God, you were saying you wanted me with Jay for years just last week. Can I have friends ever? I really think you should go.” You don’t know what part of that sinks under your skin and picks at your soul, but you’re already on a tightrope with your mother.

“Oh, don’t be like that.” She waves you off.

“All due respect, but we’re trying to be normal after our best friend died, okay?” Chenle scoffs and taps his fingers on the table. “The three of us used to go out like this all the time. We’re learning to live without Jay, and it sucks, so if you could not assume things this fast, that’d be great.”

Guilt sinks into your heart, and you drop your head into your hands. You wish you knew what Jay would think of all of this. If he’d call you both crazy for trying to be together when you’ve lost him, a pivotal piece of this friendship circle.

“Chenle, that’s a bit much, don’t you think?” his mom asks.

“It’s not. It’s really not. And not only was he our best friend, but he was the first…passing we’ve experienced. So, we need space if you guys are going to keep assuming things that don’t even matter to you. Even if we were dating, we’re grown adults and we’d tell you when we’re ready.”

You gape at Chenle. He slumps back against the booth and sighs. Your mother shifts next to you, and Chenle’s mom’s smile fades quickly. You’ve done well thus far in distracting yourself from Jay. The days don’t get easier, but they seem shorter, at least. Having Chenle by your side helps. He was right when he said it would never get better, only that you’d learn to adjust to it. Instead of a sharp, stabbing pain every time you think of him, the knife gets a little duller every day. That, or your heart steels in resolve a little bit more.

“He’s right.” You nod. “We’re not teenagers anymore, guys. You don’t need to know everything about us, or gang up on us at dinner. We’re adults trying to navigate life, and you need to give us the room to do that.”

“I never thought of it that way. This was all lighthearted fun, dear. We thought it might help to keep you guys distracted from everything, but we’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want us to do.” Chenle’s mom puts her hand on his shoulder.

Your mom murmurs an agreement, and then after a confirmation from you and Chenle, they get up and leave the two of you to your dinner. You empty the wine bottle between the two glasses and raise your eyebrow at him.

“I like when you stand up for us like that,” you say, leaning back against your seat.

A smile forms on his face as he rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe they just date crashed us. Maybe we’ll be able to go out without the town out to get us one day.”

“Doubtful. But hopefully, we’ll eventually know what this is.” You sip your wine. “Then, it won’t matter what everyone knows.”

His gaze softens and trails over you. “And we’ll be fine either way.”

“That we will.” You raise your glass and smile as he clinks his against yours.

When you get back to Chenle’s house, he guides you inside with a hand on the small of your back. He helps you take your jacket off, and the warm of his touch down your arms sends goosebumps along your skin.

At this point, you’re pretty sure it’s real for you. That your feelings aren’t a product of losing a friend and clinging onto normalcy, but the start of something beautiful you could have with Chenle.

You take a step toward your room, and he grabs your wrist to pull you back to him. He asks, “Where are you going?”

“To change, you loser.” You chuckle. “I’ll be there in a sec.”

“Can’t you just wear something of mine?” He wraps his arms around you. “I like when you wear my stuff.”

“Just say you wanna watch me take my clothes off, you freak,” you tease him.

His eyes widen, and he takes a step back while his cheeks redden. “I wouldn’t just ask you to do that, but if you wanted to—”

“Oh, my God.” You laugh abruptly. “You wanna see me naked.”

“Well, I mean, not if you don’t want me to.” He clears his throat, glancing up at the ceiling.

“You’ve seen most of me already,” you remind him.

“Context matters, you know,” he interjects. “Like, yeah, I’ve seen you in bikinis and stuff, but it’s not like we were gonna do anything about it back then. Am I even making sense? Sure, I’ve seen you pretty close to naked, but it wasn’t because of me? Please don’t let me say anything else.”

“Your awkwardness is slightly endearing.” You snort.

He pouts. “Ass.”

You take a step closer to him, wrap your arms around his shoulders, and press your lips against his. He reciprocates immediately, the gentle movement making your brain malfunction. When you pull away, he’s smiling at you.

“You kissed me.”

“Yes, I did,” you confirm. “We’ve kissed quite a bit the last few days.”

“We have, haven’t we?”

You chuckle and grab his wrist to pull him to his room. He follows you without hesitation and closes the door behind you both before he heads to his dresser. He pulls out a shirt for you and one for himself. You turn away from him and switch the top you’re wearing with his T-shirt. The fabric stops right below your ass, and you reach beneath it to unbutton your pants and push them down your legs. Once they’re off, you turn to get into his bed.

You find him in the exact same spot. His lips are slightly parted as his gaze travels down your body. Your entire life you’d been able to admit to yourself that you found Chenle attractive, because you had eyes. Of course, he was. But for him to not only be attracted to you, too, and also be vocal about it has your mind in shambles.

He watches you closely as you climb into his bed and pull the covers over yourself. You avoid looking at him as he changes, and within moments, he’s shuffling closer to you. He leans over you, pressing a kiss to your cheek, to your temple, to your jawline. Nerves spring in your stomach, but you turn your head to see him.

“Is there something you want?” you ask him.

“This is probably the worst time to say this,” he whispers. “But this is real for me. I know it. These feelings keep getting stronger and I—I wasn’t going to even say anything yet, but I had to tell you in case…”

You suddenly feel embarrassment rise to your cheeks. Chenle’s your best friend, but you did just get into his bed wearing his shirt and an admittedly skimpy pair of panties. You turn to face him.

“Before anything serious happened, I wanted to be sure.” He gulps. “Because that’s obviously…a big deal for us both, you know? And regardless of what we said, I think it’d be hard to go back to the way we were if we had sex and weren’t good for each other.”

“You ramble when you’re nervous,” you say.

“I do.” He chuckles.

“It’s real for me, too,” you whisper. Despite it being the complete truth, a lump forms in your throat. You’re not sure where it came from, but you fight it the best you can.

Relief relaxes his facial features, and then he leans forward slowly until his lips brush yours. His eyes threaten to close, but he waits for you to make a decision. You’re not entirely sure what comes over you, but all you know is that you’ve never needed someone on the level you need Chenle.

You complete the kiss, weaving your fingers through his hair as you shift closer to him. Immediately, it’s like everything around you catches on fire, and it’s much too hot to stay as you are. You gasp into his mouth when his hand trails beneath your shirt, his touch leaving those same flames all over your skin. He grabs your ass and squeezes, a shiver rolling down his spine when he swallows your moan.

“You had to know what you were doing with these,” he murmurs as he slides his fingers just beneath the hem of your panties.

His words sink in, but nothing about this feels awkward to you. You’d be embarrassed if he knew how wet you were from his simple touches. All of that is background noise—all you care about is getting closer to him.

“Why isn’t this weird?” you whisper as you slide your hands beneath his shirt to get him to take it off. “We used to cringe at the thought of—”

“Would you kiss me, damn it?” He pulls you back to him, but instead of the urgency you expect, he kisses you gently, his lips slowly moving on yours. You roll, tugging him to take him with you.

Then he’s on top of you, slotted perfectly between your legs with your shirt riding up to expose more and more of your skin. His eyes scan over you, and he moves his hand up your side until you’re lifting yourself up to remove the fabric. A slight pause befalls both of you.

“What is it?” you ask him.

“I just…can’t believe I’ve never realized this before,” he whispers, eyebrows pinching. “How well we work together.”

You smile. “We’re pretty fucking great.”

“This probably sounds cheesy as hell,” he begins and scoffs at himself. “But you’re the most beautiful person I know.”

“Oh, come on.” Your cheeks heat up.

“No, I’m serious. I’ve always known that. You’re fucking radiant on the outside and warm and kind and loving on the inside. Nothing has ever or will ever be able to take that away from you, and I…” he trails off, swollen lips parting as he searches for what he wants to say next. “Don’t ever leave me. Please.”

You reach up to cup his cheeks. “Lele, I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me now, okay?”

“I’ll be here as long as you want me,” he murmurs as he lowers himself down. “No matter what.”

Chenle kisses you again, softer this time as if this energy between the two of you is fragile. You slide your hand into his hair and allow yourself to melt. Spreading your legs a little further to accommodate him, you pull at the hem of his shirt. He moves away from you only to take it off, and then he presses kisses on your jaw, down your neck. You’re gasping for air by the time he makes it to the swells of your breasts. He leaves open-mouthed kisses along the edge of your bra, allowing his teeth to graze you.

You let your head rest back against his pillows and sigh as he travels further, stopping once he reaches your navel. Your fingers clench the sheets as you prepare yourself for whatever he’s going to do next.

“This is okay?” he hums against your skin.

“Yeah,” you say breathlessly. “Perfect.”

Being in the dark with only the shine of the stars to illuminate the room has this feeling much more intimate than you thought possible. You’d never imagined yourself in this position—literally—with Chenle, but now that you’re here, you wouldn’t change it for the world.

He tongues along the hem of your panties, and you have to stifle your gasp. The chill of the air contrasts with the wetness left on your skin, and goosebumps travel up your body. His fingers loop through the waistband, and without any words from him, you lift your hips up to help him remove them.

Chenle’s lips find your inner thigh, and you can’t hold back the noise that leaves you. It’s been a while since you’ve craved someone’s touch, and you never want his to leave your body. He already feels so different than everyone else. He’s still your best friend, but now he’s so much more, too. You trust him inexplicably, and this moment will change the trajectory of your lives forever.

You feel his breath against your core, and you drop your head back. He shifts and brings his hand up to hold your body down to the mattress, his thumb sliding between your legs to gently nudge your clit.

“Relax,” he tells you. “I’ve got you.”

He seems nervous himself, but after another shuffle, his fingers slide along your entrance. Your back arches as he pushes them inside. His breath shudders as he feels your walls fluttering around him.

“You’re…perfect, (Y/N),” he says, entranced as he slowly thrusts his hand. “So perfect.”

You whine, squeezing your eyes shut as you adjust to the feeling. When he kisses your clit, you grasp harder onto the sheets. Knowing the man pleasuring you is the one person in the world that knows you the most, that knows who you are within your very soul, has you immersed in every movement he makes. Nobody has ever made you feel this way before.

Sounds of your arousal follow his fingers, and he finally wraps his lips around your clit. You let out a loud moan, your back arching at the overwhelming sensations. He sucks on your sensitive bud, flicking his tongue back and forth in a matching pace with his hand. You squirm below him, and your legs begin to shake at the sensation.

He moves just a little faster, his other hand flat on your stomach to keep you from moving too much. You fear any sounds louder than whispered pleasure might shatter this moment between you and Chenle, but as he brings you closer to the edge, you struggle to hold back.

He curls his fingers to find your spot, and your body jerks. When he repeats the action, he moans, the vibrations against your clit sending you to euphoria. You gasp and your eyes roll back. He aids you through your high, carefully bringing you down before pulling away from your core. You practically slump on the mattress, but you lift yourself up to look at him. He sits up on his knees to get a better look at you, and you watch his every move as he lifts his fingers up to his mouth and sucks your arousal from them. 

You gulp at the sight of him like this, his length straining against his boxers as his darkened eyes travel over your body. His tongue swipes along his lips one last time, and then he’s climbing over you again. You welcome his kiss despite the taste of yourself.

“I need you,” you tell him, pushing at the band of his boxers. “Can’t wait anymore.”

“Are you sure?” he whispers. “You can tell me if you change your mind.”

You shake your head. “Please, Lele.”

He inhales sharply, and then he’s assisting you in pushing the last barrier of clothing off. “Do we need a condom? I have some.”

“I—” Your face heats up. “I’m on birth control, and I haven’t slept with anyone in…um, a long time, so I’m clean.”

“I got tested recently,” he replies. “I’m clean, too. But this is up to you. Whatever you want is cool with me.”

“Waste of time. I want you now.” You pull him in to kiss him, and he sighs against your mouth.

He reaches down and strokes himself a few times before lining himself up with your entrance. His eyes travel along your body, almost as if he’s verifying you’re real. Slowly, he pushes inside, watching your expression carefully to ensure you’re alright.

Your heart thuds in your chest as he continues to move forward, burying himself deep inside you until he’s flush against you. He gives you a bit to adjust, leaning in to kiss down your neck. His hand snakes beneath your body to unclasp your bra, and you arch to assist him in taking it off.

“‘M good,” you reassure him. “You can move.”

“Just need a second like this,” he returns, dropping his head on your shoulder. “God, you feel so fucking good.”

His words send shivers up your spine, and you put your arms around his shoulders. He kisses you again, and pulls out slowly to push back in. The sensation of him rubbing against your inner walls has you gasping. His pace is slow but you’ve never felt so heavenly in your life. As his tongue parts your lips, you wrap your legs around his waist.

When you call out his name, he curses under his breath. Every time he thrusts in, you lift your hips to meet him, despite how you begin to shake from the intensity of all of it. His chest brushes yours with each movement, and his teeth sink into your bottom lip to pull at it.

Never in your life has anything ever felt like this. As if Chenle was the last piece of the 1,000 piece puzzle you deemed life, and you finally found it after all these years. His soft moans have your toes curling, and despite the knot tying in your stomach, you don’t want this to end.

As if he knows every last thought in your mind, he reaches between you and rubs circles on your clit. You shudder in his grasp and dig your nails into his shoulders. He moves faster, and once his tip slides into your spot, you crumble around him. You throw your head back, a moan tumbling from your lips as you fall apart.

Moments after you, his hips falter as he approaches his high. You kiss him hard, and he groans into your mouth, pushing as far into you as he can to finish. The sensation has you gasping all over again, but you hold onto him for dear life.

He thrusts a couple more times to bring you both back to reality, and as he slows to a stop, he peppers kisses on your face. Neither of you move yet. You bask in the feeling of him inside you, and his hand rubs up and down your thigh.

He carefully removes your legs from around his waist, and then he sighs as he pulls out of you slowly. “Let me grab a towel. Hold on.” With a quick kiss to your forehead, he stands up and slips his boxers back on before walking out of the room.

An inherent sense of peace overwhelms you, and once he comes back, he cleans up the mess between your legs before climbing in bed next to you. He cradles the back of your head to his chest, and he hums quietly.

“Try to get some sleep,” he whispers.

With him close and his heart beating beneath your ear, you don’t even have to try.

The birds chirping outside the window wake you up. You’re still tangled up with Chenle, blanket snug around both of you with you curled into his chest. Shifting closer, you think about going back to sleep until he’s ready to get up, too.

“Morning,” he mutters, voice hoarse from sleep.

You shake your head. “More sleep.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He squeezes you and lets out a sigh of content.

Peaceful silence takes the two of you over, and you can’t help but smile at the thought of how far you both have come. You’re on top of the world—your feelings for Chenle are real, and you’ve discovered something you never thought would be possible.

His fingers trace up and down your spine, a deep hum escaping him. “This is real.”

“Mhm,” you reply. “We’re naked right now.”

“And you’re so fucking soft.” He sighs. “Is there any reason we need to get up today?”

“Wouldn’t matter if there was. Not moving.” You kiss the base of his neck.

“Sounds good to me.”

Despite the prospect of being wrapped up in each other all day, eventually, both of you get hungry. He takes you to one of the local diners for breakfast, and you study him closely while he sips his coffee and looks through the menu.

You expected some aspect of your relationship with him to be awkward at this point, but nothing has changed between you. Well, with the exception that every time you see his fingers, heat rises to your cheeks. Besides that, you’re perfectly normal.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks without removing his eyes from the menu.

“Who, me?”

He finally glances up, a smile playing on his lips. “Yes, (Y/N), you.”

“Well.” You clear your throat. “I’m just…thinking.”

“I put that together.” He tips his cup to his lips again.

“What do we do from here?” you blurt out, immediately dropping your head into your palm.

He chuckles and clasps his hands together over the table. “I was waiting for you to bring it up. But if we both know it’s real, and we’ve…gone as far as we have, um, I was hoping we’d be together.”

“That doesn’t scare you?” you ask.

“Does it scare you?” he counters.

You shake your head. “Not at all.”

“Full transparency, then. That’s what I want. I want us to be together and, as insufferable as they are, I want our families to know, too. And I want it to be us against the world, (Y/N). We can do whatever we want.”

“I guess that also brings us to what happens next month.” You look down at your lap. “When I’m supposed to go back to work.”

He gulps but waits for you to continue.

“What if…What if I didn’t go back?” you start. “Think about it. We could stay here.”

“You want to come live here?”

“I…I guess I just—” You pause in an attempt to gather your thoughts. “After everything with Jay, it made me realize how long I’ve really been gone. And being back here…I missed it a little. You and my family and the town itself. I don’t want to miss any part of anyone else’s life. I really did Jay a disservice by not coming around as often as I should’ve.”

“You’d give up all of that work you did for me?” He frowns.

“It’s not just for you, but yes. I don’t fully enjoy what I do. It’s all work and it takes up all my time. Why do that when I could do something around here and get to spend actual free time with you?”

He reaches across the table and grasps your hand. “There’s always room for you with me, but I want you to be sure about something like that. You’ve worked so hard, and if you’re changing your mind because of us, I don’t want to come between you and your dreams.”

“I’ve been thinking about it before we started this,” you tell him. “From the second I heard about Jay. I certainly don’t want you out here by yourself.”

“Don’t think we could swing long distance?” He cracks a smile.

“Ridiculous.” You scoff and take a drink of your coffee. “We have some time. Let’s think about it later, alright?”

“Agreed.”

After breakfast, Chenle leads you out of the restaurant with your fingers intertwined. You try not to blush at the simple gesture, but you can’t help it. He leads you to the passenger side of his car, and you lean back against the metal. The distance between you two is almost non-existent, and his hand rests on your waist.

“You’re sure you don’t care if people know?” he asks.

“Positive.” You grin.

He cups your cheek, smiling back at you as he strokes your skin with his thumb. After, he leans in and kisses you. Oxygen is stolen from your lungs, but you relish in the feeling of him. The sun feels warmer, the day a little brighter, and your heart a little fuller.

You never expected this to be the answer—for you to find a different kind of solace in your best friend, but you’re here anyway.

He winks at you once he pulls away, earning him a slap on the chest. After you roll your eyes, he opens the door for you and guides you into the car.

By the time you make it back to his house, he leads you inside. You’re barely a few feet within the door when both of your phones start buzzing. He takes his out of his pocket, shows you it’s his mother calling, laughs, and tosses it on the couch. You follow his lead, and then he grabs your hand and pulls you towards his room.

“If you thought you were going to make it out of here for long, you were mistaken.” He wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you flush against him. “I have plans for us today. Our schedule’s booked actually, and it mostly involves us in my bed.”

“Luckily for you, that’s exactly what I was hoping for.”

“Oh, good. Hopefully, they don’t decide to come here. Probably not the show they thought they’d be signing up for.” He ponders the thought for a moment.

“Shame on them for not respecting our privacy,” you mutter, grasping onto the back of his neck. “Maybe it’ll teach them to back off a little.”

“You’re so right,” he replies, leaning in to kiss you.

Tugging you closer, he whirls you around to walk you back toward his bed, where you’re more than ready to spend the next few hours.

Later that night, you and Chenle are ready for bed, with you curled into his chest. He runs his fingers through your hair, humming quietly. You don’t recognize the melody, but he relaxes you all the same.

“Do you think this ever would’ve happened if Jay were still here?” you ask him as you trace shapes on his shoulder.

He purses his lips in thought. “I’d like to think so.”

“Me, too,” you admit. “This feels…like things were always supposed to be this way.”

“I can’t imagine it any other way now.” He takes a deep breath. “I needed this. You. And I can’t believe there was a time where we weren’t like this.”

You move so you’re resting on top of him, chests pressed together. He clasps his hands together over the small of your back.

“He’d be happy for us, right?” You scan over his face, tracing over his cheekbones with your finger.

“Of course,” Chenle says without hesitation. “I think he’d be asking a bunch of questions right now. Like how we knew, what we were gonna do about all of this, if he’s going to be the man of honor or the best man.”

“God, he so would.” You laugh.

“And he’d be insufferable about it, too.”

“He’d be the man of honor, by the way. I was his favorite.”

Chenle’s smile grows. “I love you.”

Your heart stops in your chest, and your lips part as you stare at him in shock. Although, you should’ve expected it. You fell for him, too, but hearing it verbalized is a whole new story you’ve never considered before.

Hell, the two of you frequently told each other those three words, but you know now they hold much more importance than they ever have.

“You…”

“Yeah, I do.” He nods.

“Like…romantically?”

“You’re such a loser,” he teases you. “Yes, romantically. Don’t make me take it back now.”

“I’ll be sad if you take it back, ass.” You narrow your eyes at him. “And I love you, too, if that wasn’t clear.”

He squeezes you tightly, chuckling when the air rushes from your lungs. While you never quite expected things to work out this way, you wouldn’t change what’s become of your relationship with Chenle. He was—and is—your best friend, and for some reason, all you can do is look forward to the future, where he’ll be more. Best friend always, but also the one you love.

The last couple weeks before you’re supposed to return to work are hectic to say the least. It feels as if you and Chenle are rushing to figure things out—where the two of you will stand when you leave and what you’ll do in the meantime.

So, in an attempt to get your minds distracted, you opt to go have a couple drinks with Jay. Of course, you had to stop and get his favorite beer—the same one you’d always hated and that Chenle’s not too fond of, but for Jay, you would endure it.

He brings a blanket. When you find Jay’s headstone, he spreads out the fabric and waits for you to sit before he joins you. You grasp onto his hand, and his knee bumps yours, but that’s the only physical contact you have with him.

Chenle opens up three cans—one for him, one for you, and one for Jay.

This isn’t the first time you’ve done this together, but it very well be the last. You don’t want to leave him. Not really. But he refused to let you give up what you’d worked hard for. You escaped the town, and he didn’t want you to even think about coming back when you’ve got so much left to do in your new city.

Chenle sips the drink, cringing at the taste. “Can’t believe he liked this shit.”

“He had peculiar tastes, that’s for sure.” You chuckle and refrain from touching your own. “You think he can really hear us when we’re talking to him like this?”

“Stranger things have happened,” he replies.

“That’s the truth,” you tease him and nudge his shoulder. “Maybe we should break the news to Jay.”

He takes the third can and dumps some over the grass. You both watch as it absorbs, and once Chenle’s satisfied, he purses his lips.

“You’ve missed a lot, dude.” He lets out a long sigh. “Almost three months without you feels unreal.”

You squeeze his hand and send a soft smile his way.

He continues, “But I seriously think you’d be pissed at us if we admitted we were still sad, so…(Y/N) and I are…together. Like, we’re dating. And to be honest, we’re both not too sure where it came from, but we keep each other sane after all this stuff.”

You loop your arm through his and rest your head on his shoulder. Fighting back tears, you realize how much you’d missed as well. There were stories you had yet to hear. Some you’d never get the chance to.

“I’d like to think you’d be happy for us.” You chuckle and take another drink. “You and this God awful beer.”

“I can almost hear him defending it right now.” Chenle sends a dazzling grin your way, and you watch him fondly. You never imagined coming back home would lead to all of this.

You and Chenle talk to Jay for a while. The sun shines pleasantly against your skin, warmth seeping into your bones. Chenle tells the story of you two falling for each other, how it was gradual and unexpected. Things had simply shifted, and everything became much more than you’d ever imagined.

When the sun begins to set, you wrap up your time with Jay. All three cans are empty. You grab them while Chenle folds the blanket, and then you head back to his car. His arm is firmly around your waist, and you fight the urge to melt into him.

As soon as you’re inside his house, he drops the blanket and takes the objects from your hands. Next thing you know, you’re wrapped up in one of the tightest hugs Chenle’s ever given you. You reciprocate the best you can, threading your fingers through his hair to soothe him.

“You okay?” you ask him.

“Yeah. Just wanna hold you for a sec.”

You hum in agreement, allowing yourself to melt into his grip. He kisses the top of your head, and when he pulls away to look at you, a fond gleam appears in his eyes.

“I’ve been thinking,” he says.

“Uh oh,” you interject, fighting your grin as he purses his lips in faux annoyance.

“What if I went with you?”

You recoil. “What?”

“I’ve wanted to get away from this place. You made it out. Let’s go together.” He looks at you earnestly as he awaits your response. “I love you, (Y/N). Being apart from you isn’t exactly what I want at this point.”

“You want…to move with me?”

“If you’re okay with it.” Chenle nods. “Think of the life we could build together. A real one that’s not influenced by the crazy ass people in this town.”

You flounder for words to say. This is the last thing you expected from him, but maybe you should’ve thought of this yourself. Chenle had run into a hard time because he’d wanted out for so long. You could help him.

“I don’t want you to give up everything you’ve worked for. Living here isn’t in the cards for you right now, and I understand that. But we both have an opportunity here. You keep doing what you set out to do, but this time, we don’t have to be apart.” He fiddles with the seam of your shirt, almost nervously avoiding your gaze.

“Okay.” You take a deep breath. “If you’re sure that’s what you want, come with me.”

He grins so widely, you’re almost worried it hurts. Cupping your cheeks, he kisses you hard, and you almost stumble backwards.

This was the beginning of a new journey for both of you. Neither of you were sure what to do without Jay around, and you wouldn’t feel right leaving Chenle all by himself. If he wanted to come with you, you’d be more than happy to have him.

You’ll get him out of this town he’s come to resent, and he’ll be by your side for every success and failure.

There’s something special about falling for your best friend—about loving someone who you’d already loved and known so thoroughly, it’s mostly as if nothing changed at all. Maybe this part of your relationship with him was always there, and you’d both been too blind to see it.

All you know is, after a clear shift in energy, things between you and Chenle became real.

You wonder about Jay. If he sees the two of you, if he’s proud of you. At the end of the day, you could spiral until your brain gives out, but if there’s one thing you could expect from Jay, it’s that he’ll never stop checking in on you and Chenle. Your group is incomplete without him, but you’ll learn to live in a different manner.

With Chenle by your side, there’s not a damn thing in the world that could bring you down.

[ripeteeth]

Self-rec time! What are your favorite five fics that you've written and why? After replying to this ask, feel free to pass on to five other writers to spread the love. 💗"

Thanks, @danpuff-ao3! You’re always a treat to see on the dash and I hope you’ve been having a lovely break <3.

I’m always a bit awkward with these, both from an itching sort of discomfort with staring my own artwork in the face, and I think from a lifetime habit of denying compliments out of a feeling of guilt or fear. So! I’ve had a glass of wine (and an edible) and I’m going to try to kinder to myself. I might be in the mood to talk right now. (Honestly, that’s a good sign. One of the big elements of my recent writer’s block has been an inability to express myself in any written way, even tumblr posts and comments. Maybe this is why I hit twitter so hard.)

My five favorite fics. Not my five best fics. Not my five most popular fics. My favorites. Hmm.

5. blood, bones, and butter | MDZS/The Untamed] SongXueXiao | E, 12,443

“A relationship, deconstructed. Served three ways.”

Ah, Yi City, that deliciously painful Shakespearean tragedy echoing Wangxian’s romance. The specific notes of obsession, revenge, love, and grief that run through these three make me completely unhinged. I love the quiet service and stoic devotion of Song Lan, the otherworldliness and power of Xiao Xingchen, the unchecked brilliance and cruelty that fill up Xue Yang. The Yi City fandom is easily one of the most incredible fandoms I’ve ever been a part of, full of uniquely talented and deranged writers and artists who love to really explore the dark edges and nitty-gritty of these character and let them be their fucked-up selves. The appeal of SongXueXiao isn’t to make it better for them, it’s to see how much you can make it worse.

It’s two pretty classic tropes: a first time after meeting at a bar, and also a story told from alternating POVs. I really wanted to focus on trying to carve out distinctive interiorities, like their motivations, their assumptions, their fears, their memories, and allow the reader to draw their own conclusions without spelling these all out outright. I’d recently rewatched Rashomon, and I love how the understanding of an event can be so differently shaped by each person’s POV and I wanted to show their first night together in that way, moving the lens over the night a few times, before it gets clear. It was a really fun process to focus on and I think it’s one of my best pieces of recent writing.

4. in search of the wind | Good Omens | Crowley/Aziraphale | E, 27,112

After the World Doesn't End, Aziraphale is not returned to his body. Crowley tries to find a way to get to Heaven's fast-shut gates. Aziraphale tries to find his way back from the sky (and back in time).

I remember writing this almost immediately after the show aired, in that heady summer of 2019, when I feel head over sweaty heels for that charming demon and his delicious epicure of an angel. This is essentially how I saw canon going on, this is the headcanon of my soul. Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen season 2 yet? It was a pleasure to write, almost like knitting together different scenes, different pieces of history, like an extended version of the s1s3 cold open. It’s Aziraphale without a body, unmoored in time, turning up at different points along his and Crowley’s history, and realizing that his friend is in love with him. That his friend is heartrendingly in love with him. I love stories that play with structure, striking different chords each time.

I couldn’t write this kind of story again. This belongs to a very specific time.

3. White Light, White Heat | Harry Potter | Snape/Harry | E, 32,107

“In 1347, Benedictine monk and scholar Severus Snape goes to fetch a young man joining the abbey. In 1347, rumors come of a strange and unrelenting plague from the east.”

An AU set in a fourteenth-century Benedictine monastery in Britain during the period of the Black Death where the two men develop a bond through a special sort of crucible. Snape, as always, falls in love with all the grace of a cat being given a bath. As dark as the material is, this was a pleasure to write. I had so much fun describing the setting, peppering fun little facts like a Pop Up Video of Medieval History. I wrote this in a fever-fueled three weeks, absolutely obsessed with getting it down exactly as it was in my head. I loved writing the monster theme and using it as almost a leitmotif for Snape. There’s probably a literary term for that. Is there? Anyway.

2. the body as anagram | The Terror | Crozier/Fitzjames, Crozier/Ross] | E, 3090

“In the dark, it doesn't matter which James is in his bed. As long as Ross doesn't speak, the illusion holds true.”

I took the title from a passage on J.G. Ballard’s Crash by Baudrillard in Simulacra and Simulation: “Technology is never grasped except in the (automobile) accident, that is to say in the violence done to technology itself and in the violence done to the body. It is the same: any shock, any blow, any impact, all the metallurgy of the accident can be read in the semiurgy of the body — neither an anatomy nor a physiology, but a semiurgy of contusions, scars, mutilations, wounds that are so many new sexual organs opened on the body. In this way, gathering the body as labor in the order of production is opposed to the dispersion of the body as anagram in the order of mutilation.”

There’s something a bit haunting about the parallels of the two men who held the intimacy of Francis Crozier’s friendship. The name. The confidence. The bravery. The charming manner and handsome face. I love the idea of a Francis who sails out pining for one man and returns home loving another, switching between true love and placeholder. And I’m notoriously a slut for both proxyfucking and Gremlin!Francis, who just can’t stop pressing on the wound of his grief. It’s not the drink but it may as well be, for all this is good for either he or Ross, but Francis is a fool in love with a dead man and he does what he does to get by.

Something about this came together, from concept to finish, in a way I’m quite happy with. It was fun to play with concepts and free associate from them, focusing less on plot, but more on the vast empty grief in Francis’ chest. Everyone here knows this is a bad idea. No one is having a good time.

1. Revachol Calling | Disco Elysium | Karry/Kim | E, 35,321 [WIP]

“Somewhere in Jamrock, a church burns. A study in Kim Kitsuragi.”

Sometimes you just feel the next part of the story in your bones. When I first played Disco Elysium in 2021 it hit me in an incredibly familiar, emotional way. There’s something somber and hopeful about it. The writing is sardonic, dark and humorous. It’s nearly cynical but it’s cynical with a sad old smile, because cynicism is born through disappointment, and through not quite being ready to give up. I think we can all find ourselves in it, in one way or another and, like many, I’m hopelessly in love with Kim Kitsuragi, a wild creature who’s built himself within thousands of rules. I can’t play the game without craving his side of the story, his interiority, his history, so I grab at the little crystals of information, such as his secret love of Speedfreaks FM and his past with Eyes, and I try to imagine it might go. This is my sequel to the game and, more than anything, this is my love song to Revachol, a character of a city, and one that echoes vastly in all those of post-Communist country and family.

For some reason, this fic is extremely visual for me and usually in a Wong Kar-Wai sort of fashion. Think the saturated aquamarines of a neon diner sign. Think a studio apartment with cheap wallpaper and the yellow-orange flicker of sodium lights. It comes alive at night, when Kim is left alone with his thoughts, running out of rules to keep him safely in. I love that Disco Elysium has such a vast world to explore. It’s an endless playbox.

And this is also, in a way, a bit of an elegy to a belief I’d once held in a motherland, and do not anymore.

I’m almost done with Chapter 8, so hopefully it will be up soon <3

Tagging! @jaggededges123 @soft-october-night @wildcard47 @rcmclachlan @brawlite @zaxal @pearwaldorf @kiingbooooo @darcylindbergh @et-in-arkadia @itsevidentvery @iodhadh @iamwestiec @mia-ugly @laurashapiro-noreally @pinehutch and anyone else who wishes to!

[erros429]

i think the appeal of rosebird, at least for me, is the what-if of it all. like yes, the divorcee dynamic is fantastic (and as humorous as freezerbros divorce). but just the aching and the yearning and the missed chances over the years.

meeting at beacon and initially disliking each other because summer is just so fucking positive and kind and because raven is so fucking pessimistic and stubborn. they’re natural opposites and yet summer shows raven more kindness than she’s ever received before, and raven’s shown summer more defiance than she’s ever seen before. and that contrast is what attracts them to each other. the unknowns of how the other lives.

they spend time together, both with the team and just the two of them. maybe their fighting styles complement each other. and maybe when they’re out to get coffee together (raven drinks it black and summer drinks it with a cream and five sugars), their hands brush as raven hands her her drink. their legs press against each other’s when they sit at the table. there’s a lull in their conversation, a comfortable one, where they don’t have much to say but they’re content in each other’s presence. and maybe raven’s never wanted to be a follower before, but under summer’s leadership… maybe she was willing to trust her life in her hands. maybe they’ve almost kissed before. maybe they have kissed before. maybe they still want to.

but even if raven starts to trust her team (and summer) more, she sure as hell doesn’t trust anyone else. ozpin’s being sketchy as hell and her brother is buying into his every word. and maybe raven tries to warn them about ozpin. but they don’t believe her, instead chalking it up to her usual pessimism.

and so raven has yang. she sees her child, delicate as she is, innocent as she is. and she thinks this — this domestic life, this happy life — isn’t who she is. she grew up and had to fight everyday just to survive. there are people that depend on her. so she leaves. she’s shied away from summer so many times that… maybe summer’s moved on. she comes back two years later and sees ruby and figures that yeah, summer has moved on. that’s a good thing. that should be a good thing. why does she ache so much at the sight of it?

but this is all raven’s point of view. summer aches too, but she’s better at hiding it because she loves tai and she loves her kids and she shouldn’t miss someone who’d abandon her own family. she shouldn’t miss her, and yet she she does.

and when she tells raven about her mission against salem, she’s surprised to hear her agree so readily. “i won’t let you face that monster alone,” raven tells her over the scroll once. “i don’t want to see you hurt.”

and that’s a big revelation to summer. and raven’s mortified that an admittance of any sort of feelings is out there now. so when they meet in person, raven attempts cheek. “summer rose telling lies,” she teases, and it isn’t welcome. and her concern for the family that she left isn’t welcome either. and that’s right. raven left and summer moved on and that’s fair and that’s right.

then tragedy strikes. something happens to summer. if raven wasn’t standoffish before, she sure as hell is now. she shouldn’t have gotten so close to someone before, especially not someone as hopeful as summer. because in raven’s experience, that kind of hope only gets you one thing. dead.

now i’m definitely not excusing raven’s actions. she’s a deadbeat mom and teammate and though there’s (more or less) an explanation, it sure as hell isn’t an excuse. she hurt tai and yang badly. maybe she thought they were better off without her, but that wasn’t up to her. she thinks she’s merciful and strong for making a difficult choice, but it wasn’t the right one. but just b/c i dislike her as a person and the decisions she made, i do have to admit there’s a ton of intrigue to her and summer’s characters. this entire post was speculation, but that’s what makes it so fun to dissect.

[imaginespazzi]

niviiiii can we talk about your writing? like i think we need to talk about your writing. let's talk about your writing. and how no one should let your write ever again because every time you write you break my heart and it's not fair bestie like i need my heart

the imagery, the world, the characters, everything's just so nuanced and the way you bring things back that were mentioned before is so cohesive and smart and i'm just left in awe while reading

just-

There’s a subconscious part of Azzi’s brain that tells her to grab Paige and duck for cover, to preserve whatever little bit of friendship they can.

And Azzi doesn’t want to let go, but everything feels burning hot, and her hands are starting to blister.

the whole paragraph about what paige teaches azzi was special

Azzi’s summers have always belonged to Paige

this whole restaurant bit like you're obviously so good at angst but i feel like you'd probably write a really good romcom story with them as well (hint hint)

Outside, it’s a summer evening of clear blue skies, but here in this random restaurant restroom, lightning strikes.

also the whole medieval metaphor you have going on with paige in a castle and azzi as a knight and then the romeo and juliet reference like you make my english major soul so pleased but bestie i swear this better not actually be a tragedy

It doesn’t matter if there’s inevitable destruction on the other side, it’s Paige and when it’s Paige, Azzi will follow. 

Azzi’s not an artist by any means, but she thinks if she were, this moment would be her muse

“you make it so hard Az.”

(it's not peaceful anywhere when it storms)

and the last line might be the worst of all because i feel like azzi's just made her peace with it in a way and that stings

if i could i'd copy paste your whole chapter because it really and truly is just that brilliant and i just honestly don't have words to say other than i'm really glad you write for us.

love, 🐞

I can in fact never write again if that helps 😭

But thank you bestie. This made me grin so hard. An English major complimenting my writing is such high praise and I really and truly appreciate it so much. <3

Hmmm romcom ideas are just so hard to come up with. Does Here's To Eternity count as one? If anyone has cute ideas, I'll think about it but no promises.

And tragedies are so fun to write though babe!

The last line was one of my favorites though it's really simple but I do like a good understated ending.

[haveamagicalday]

Books read in 2023

Here is a list/short reviews of the books I read in 2023! My top ten can be found here.

4 Stars

All the Dangerous Things by Stacy Willingham - A year prior to the start of our story, Isabelle's beloved toddler was stolen in the night while she and her husband slept. Since then, Isabelle rarely sleeps and won't rest until her son is found. When a podcaster comes to town looking to interview her about the case, Isabelle sees this as a chance to dig up new clues that may lead her to her son. This is a great follow up to Willingham's debut and I loved the setting and overall vibes of the book.

Delicate Condition by Danielle Valentine- What's interesting about this book is it was released about a month before American Horror Story premiered their season that is based on it. So I don't know if it was commissioned to be written for that purpose or if Ryan Murphy got wind of it prior and sought to make the adaptation or what. I have not seen the new season and I've heard it isn't that good but I really ended up liking this book! Anna is a young actress determined to have a baby. After many rounds of IVF it finally happens. But then tragedy strikes and Anna miscarries the baby, or so she is told. She can still feel the baby inside her and the doctor's confusing answers and explanations are just a further mystery to the phenomenon. As her miracle pregnancy goes along, threats to her safety and strange instances  build up to a shocking conclusion. I was expecting it to be kind of silly but it was an engaging read with a surprisingly happy ending. It did not go in the direction I thought it would and I was pleasantly surprised by that. Would not recommend it if you are pregnant or trying to be though.

The Ghosts of Rose Hill by R.M Romero- Illana, a biracial Jewish girl, is sent to Prague to live with her aunt for the summer. Illana discovers a Jewish cemetery behind her aunt's house where she meets the ghost of a long dead boy, named Benjamin. The two become friends but their happiness is threatened by a mysterious man with no shadow that also takes a keen interest in Illana. Written in prose, this is a hauntingly beautiful fairytale.

Greymist Fair by Francesca Zappia- I didn't realize going in that this would be divided up into a collection of short stories rather than a linear story. However the stories are all connected and often explain things that may have happened in the previous stories and there is a conclusion at the end. I really enjoyed the take on some of these lesser known fairy tales. My favorite was Doctor Death and the Prince's Riddle.

I Will Find You Again by Sarah Lyu- This is Lyu's second book and I have to say that she does toxic relationships really well. Both of her books have a mystery to be solved but they both read more like a character study and deep dive into a tumultuous relationship that the MC has. Chase and Lia are best friends that are estranged but when Lia goes missing, Chase's world is turned upside down as she follows a trail of secrets and betrayals to find out the truth of what happened.

The Legacies by Jessica Goodman- Another fun teen thriller from Goodman! Eight students from a prestigious prep school are selected to join New York City's exclusive Legacy Club. But tensions rise the week leading up to their induction Ball leading to a shocking death. There are moments you have to suspend your disbelief but that doesn't take away from the story. My only complaint is that it is told in first person with three different narratives and at times they don't sound much different from one another. I still flew through this one and look forward to the next book from Goodman!

Lying in the Deep by Diana Urban- Jade is off on the adventure of a lifetime, a semester at sea visiting 11 different countries. But the presence of her ex boyfriend, now dating her ex best friend, leads to an obsession which spirals until a shocking murder takes place. Now Jade must clear her name and try to stop the killer from murdering again. I honestly enjoyed this way more than I thought I would. It was a page turner that was a lot of fun. I read after that it is apparently a loose retelling of Death on the Nile but for me it felt like murderous version of Suite Life on Deck lol

The Narrow by Kate Alice Marshall- Eden attends a boarding school haunted by a river that takes all who fall in. All but Delphine who fell in six years prior and somehow survived. Now Delphine lives isolated in quarantine for a mysterious illness and Eden is tasked with being her companion. But the more time Eden spends with Delphine, the more she feels haunted by a dark presence. This was a very engrossing ghost story with some gothic vibes. There was a sweet love story and I loved the complexity of Eden and her relationships with her friends. There were a few creepy twists throughout but the most interesting aspects were the human relationships, especially between Eden and Delphine. A real fun spooky read!

Out of the Ashes by Kara Thomas- This is going to sound bad but I really don't remember this book but I gave it 4 stars so I guess I enjoyed it. This is Thomas's first Adult novel and focuses on Samantha, whose home was burned down and her entire family murdered years prior. However, renewed interest in the cold case reveals the shocking revelation that Samantha's baby sister may have made it out alive. This turns Samantha's world upside down as she desperately seeks answers. I do remember the ending of this and it was pretty satisfying

Royal Blood by Aimee Carter- Evan is the secret illegitimate daughter of the King of England in an alternate history. Circumstances force Evan to spend the summer with the father she never met before and her secret is quickly found out. What was supposed to be a fun night out with her half sister and others turns deadly and Evan finds herself the main suspect. This is another book I enjoyed more than I thought I would. It's like the Princess Diaries if it were a thriller. I also love that despite being a series, the mystery and storyline was wrapped up in the end

The Sandman by ETA Hoffman- I had no idea the ballet Coppelia was based on this! The ballet is so cutesy and this is so dark and creepy. I would love to see a version of Coppelia that followed The Sandman more closely.

Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher- This is a retelling of Sleeping Beauty that tells the tale of Toadling, the fairy that was sent to bless the princess on her birth. Now that the princess is asleep, Toadling guards the tower but in a shocking twist, she is determined to keep everyone out of it. A fun and interesting take on a classic fairy tale!

The Villa by Rachel Hawkins- This is an interesting retelling based not on Frankenstein, but the story behind the novel's creation. Emily and Chess are two friends that are spending the summer in Italy at a beautiful Villa. The Villa just happens to be the same place that famed rock star Noel Gordon spent a summer in 1974. Along with Noel is Pierce Sheldon (an up and coming rock star), his girlfriend Mari, and her stepsister Lara. The summer turns deadly for the group which inspires Mari to write a prolific horror novel and then disappear from the limelight for the rest of her life. Now Emily is determined to discover what really happened that summer by using clues from Mari's novel. This was a really fun read and while the big mystery was honestly not that solid, the characters and unique premise were interesting enough to hold the plot.

3.5 Stars

Mister Magic by Kiersten White- A mystery children's show called Mister Magic was canceled and nearly erased from history 30 years prior to the start of the novel. Val was a child actor on the show but has no memory of it. When her fellow castmates find her, they bring her along for a reunion which is bound to expose dark secrets along the way. So, this had to be partly inspired by Candle Cove, no? I really enjoy all things to do with lost media and was super excited when I read the blurb for this book! For the most part, I think it lived up to expectations. The ending wasn't a let down but it did leave me wanting more. There was also an reveal about two thirds of the way through which I wish would have been made sooner. It wasn't really a twist or anything but it did add a lot of context that could have been used earlier. Otherwise it just felt really thrown in at the end.

The Night Shift by Alex Finlay- At the end of 1999, four teens are attacked during their shift at a Blockbuster. Only one survives and the killer is never found. Now it is 15 years later and a similar crime takes place at an Ice Cream parlor. A solid thriller.

The Quarantine Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot- A welcomed return to the diaries of Princess Mia. This was a fun read but it was also kind of tough to read about people dealing with the beginning of the pandemic. Not the best of memories to be honest.

Where He Can't Find You by Darcy Coates- When I started this I was expecting more of a mystery/thriller based on the blurb but it became apparent pretty quickly that this is a supernatural horror novel instead. A small Midwest town is haunted by a mysterious figure known as the stitcher. When someone goes missing, the town knows that there is no hope of ever finding them until the stitcher wants them to. And they'll always find them in pieces. When Abby's younger sister goes missing she is determined to find her no matter the cost. It becomes a race against the clock to find her with the help of Abby's friends. This was very reminiscent of horror like It or Stranger Things. TW: Body Horror, Gore

You Can Trust Me by Wendy Heard- I flew through this one but in retrospect, it was very cheesy and what I would deem a Fast Food Thriller. Fun, but you really have to dispense your disbelief throughout. Summer and Leo are best friends who swindle and pickpocket. Leo makes the mistake of going after a self made millionaire and when he offers her the chance to visit his exclusive island, she jumps at the chance. When Leo doesn't return, Summer is determined to infiltrate the island to get her friend back.

3 Stars

The Blackhouse by Carole Johnstone- I loved Johnstone's Mirrorland but this one was a let down in comparison. The book takes place in a small island town and I could not keep all of the townspeople straight. Plus the mystery just wasn't that interesting and it dragged in a lot of places.

Episode Thirteen by Craig DiLouie - A ghost hunting reality tv crew decides to make their thirteenth episode about the infamous Paranormal Research Foundation. Written as journal entries and transcripts, things get creepy real quick for the crew. I felt like this book started off strong but faded as it went along. I was not a fan of the last third but recognize that others might like the direction it went.

Loved by PC Cast- The first book in the Night of House sequel series. I decided to read this because the tumblr blog: @houseofzoey was making me feel nostalgic. It was not good but it was fun to revisit the characters and world. As always, the stakes are high but the conflict is resolved ridiculously easy. Zoey continues to be one of the worst characters in existence but the others are enjoyable in a dumb way.

Lullabies for Little Criminals by Heather O'Neill - This was kind of a tough one to get through. I love the author's later work and this had the same style of writing but felt lacking in comparison. I found both The Lonely Hearts Hotel and When We Lost Our Heads oddly whimsical despite the heavy subject matter but this was definitely just bleakness with no hope in sight TW: Child Abuse/Neglect, Pedophilia, Drugs/Alcohol

Midnight is the Darkest Hour by Ashley Winstead- Ruth is the preacher's daughter in a small southern town. Ruth's only friend as a teen was the bad boy Everett who she was bonded to with a dark secret. Now as adults, bodies are being found in the swamp and Ruth and Everett want to get to the bottom of things. This book had such a great premise but did not deliver. The religious town is portrayed as cult-like but the messaging behind this book was confused and all over the place. We are clearly supposed to root for Ruth and Everett but by the end of the book, I wasn't rooting for them either. Also there are way too many references to Twilight. At one point Ruth seriously thinks that Everett is a vampire and I don't know if that was just to be funny or if we were actually supposed to believe that as well.

Nothing but Blackened Teeth by Cassandra Khaw- People on Goodreads hated this. It has one of the lowest ratings I've ever seen and I really don't think it deserves that. It's not the best but it's not that bad. A lot of people were bothered by the "purple prose" but I didn't mind it (I also hate that phrase). However, it was somewhat confusing and anticlimactic.

Silver Nitrate by Silvia Moreno Garcia- Garcia's last few books since Mexican Gothic have been really disappointing to me. I was expecting a lot of spooks with the cursed film premise but there really wasn't much of it. When we finally did get some magic towards the end it was pretty cheesy. Neither of the characters were really likable and the ending with them was weird. Overall not my favorite of Moreno-Garcia's but also not the worst.

This is Why We Lie by Gabriella Lepore- I'm going to be honest, this was one of my first reads of 2023 and I don't remember a single detail. Two teens find a body in the lake and mystery ensues!

To Make Monsters Out of Girls by Amanda Lovelace- This was not my favorite of Lovelace's. I'm starting to notice she writes a lot of her poetry based on a past relationship and at this point it's like, girl move on!

We'll Never Tell by Wendy Heard- Another book I really don't remember. The official blurb describes it as a whodunit doused in Hollywood lore. I remember it being a fun little read but apparently not that memorable.

Winterset Hollow by Jonathan Edward Durham- The idea behind this was really fascinating but it lost its appeal one third of the way through. Three friends visit the island that an author wrote and based a children's book on in a similar vein to Watership Down or The Wind in the Willows. To their surprise, the characters in their beloved book are real and they want their visitors to celebrate the famed Harvest Day with them. Pretty quickly things fall apart and the majority of the book is the characters being hunted and it got old pretty fast. There were definitely parallels and themes of colonization but the colonized and mistreated characters were also the villains seeking revenge so... make of that what you will

Wolfpack by Amelia Brunskill- Written in prose this book is about nine girls who live together in a cult commune. It was a very quick read but nothing really happened. One of the girl's goes missing and the rest of the book is trying to figure out what happened. The book's biggest problem is that it's told from 8 different perspectives and they all blend together. When the reveal comes at the end it leaves little impact because we don't know or care about these characters.

2 Stars

Daphne by Josh Malerman- Daphne is a local boogeyman. A seven foot tall, denim clad woman who always has her face painted like Gene Simmons. That image alone was too ridiculous for me. Kit is a teen on the basketball team whose teammates start disappearing one by one. She believes Daphne is the culprit. The book was more so a metaphor for mental health struggles but it was just too silly and boring for me to enjoy. I couldn't picture any of the scary stuff that was happening very well and people seemed to under react to a lot of things. Plus I learned way too much about basketball.

Unrated

The Little Book of Manifestation by Astrid Carvel- I was going through it when I read this lol. Whether you believe that you can actually manifest things in your life or not, I do think positive thinking goes a long way and this was a nice little reminder of that.

Brother by Ania Ahlborn - Just a big bummer all around. I read this in one sitting but looking back some of it was kind of boring? The book was much tamer than how it was advertised to me. Don't get me wrong, there was a lot of implied gore and horror but we didn't see much of it. To give some background, the main character lives out in the Appalachians with his murderous family. He helps kidnap women, the mother tortures them and then they eat them. With a premise like that you think this would be horrifying. We are given very little backstory as to why they do this. Well, it turns out to be rather boring as Michael (our lead) spends most of the book feeling sorry for himself and trying to woo a girl at the record shop. He also has a tumultuous relationship with his abusive older brother, who he fears but craves approval from. Not much happens for the majority of the book and then we have an explosive ending in the last 1/3rd. And it's just a huge bummer. TW: Rape, Murder, Gore, Cannibalism, Attempted Incest, Abuse

Not Since Carrie: Forty Years of Broadway Flops by Ken Mandelbaum - A look into Broadway flops over the past 40 years. The flops are categorized oddly and usually there is only a page or two dedicate to each one which made it really repetitive. I think would have preferred a detailed deep dive into maybe 10 or so Broadway flops.

Slenderman: Online Obsession, Mental Illness, and the Violent Crime of Two Midwestern Girls by Kathleen Hale - This book doesn't focus so much on the crime but the aftermath. For those who don't know, Morgan and Anissa, two preteen girls, stabbed their friend (who lived) in an attempted sacrifice to please the popular Creepypasta character, Slenderman. Of course, all the coverage of this case focused on Slenderman and the dangerous of the internet but really this is a case of severe mental illness that went untreated for a long time. Anissa did the stabbing but ultimately it was Morgan that concocted the whole plan. Morgan showed signs of schizophrenia (a disorder her father was also diagnosed with) at a young age but this was ignored by the adults in her life. After the crime took place, Morgan was denied any kind of treatment or medication during her time in prison prior to her sentencing. Morgan was left to live in her delusions and hallucinations for over a year before she was finally given help. In a harrowing section of the book, Morgan describes "waking up" from her psychosis only to be flung into a nightmare where she had committed a terrible crime against her friend. No where am I saying that Morgan does not deserve the prison time she was given but the prison system's treatment of mental health was really highlighted here and was horrifying to read about.

[thespoonisvictory]

Happy New Year! Here's everything I watched and read in 2023

And also some misc. thoughts on the things that made an especially good, bad, or striking impression. If the thing is in purple, it was a rewatch! books are all rated out of five because there was a reasonable number of them. top five from each category are in the bottom for funsies.

*not including podcasts/dropout content. I'm up to date on make some noise, gamechanger, wbn, and d20 (mostly). I also watched the emily axford guest episodes and chapter 2 of candela obscura on CR

Movies

The Menu

Glass Onion

Romeo and Juliet (1996) (this is one of my fav movies of all time, I'll never get sick of it. just gorgeous top to bottom)

Rosaline (I went into this knowing I wouldn't like it and came out thinking it was just alright. lead actress is good, but I hate derivative Shakespeare works that don't understand the original story)

Hamilton

Tangled

Secret World of Arrietty

Honor Among Thieves (just a damn good movie, love the practical effects)

Mamma Mia!

Barbie and the Three Musketeers

The Three Musketeers (1993)

Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse

The Last Unicorn (rewatched this for the first time in at least a decade, what a gorgeous vibey fantasy film. something about the dark scenery and tone really sticks with me)

Nimona (thought Ballister was a great character and enjoyed the design choices for the world, a good piece of Knight (tm) media. however, I thought the animation was lacking and didn't think it deserved a best picture nom like a lot of people did. it was cute, not lifechanging)

The Green Knight (watch it)

80 for Brady (a request from my mom, surprisingly funny)

The Visit

Sweet Home Alabama (bad)

Barbie!

Sharkboy and Lavagirl

Pride and Prejudice 2005 (another one of my all time favs)

Sleeping Beauty

The Aristocats

La La Land

Red White and Royal Blue

The Princess and the Pauper

Barbie and the Three Musketeers (again)

Howl's Moving Castle

Girl Vs. Monster

10 Things I Hate About You

500 Days of Summer (made me cry, which I didn't expect. can you tell I had a joseph gordon levitt moment lol)

Get Out

Twilight

The Conjuring (I watch this every year, one of my fav horror movies)

Scooby Doo: The Witches Ghost

Kiki's Delivery Service

Barbie and the Twelve Dancing Princesses

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

Love, Actually

Honor Among Thieves (again, but with my DnD party)

The Holiday (I mean. it's Jude Law)

The Boy and the Heron (holy fucking shit this was so good)

Asteroid City

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

In The Tall Grass

Books

Harrow the Ninth by Tamryn Muir: good! I fucking struggled at the beginning getting through but it paid off. (3.5/5)

The Falls by Joyce Carol Oates: a fun gothic romance/tragedy set in Niagra Falls which took an environmentalist angle I was not expecting at all. Picked it up at a Goodwill and enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. (4/5)

A Game of Thrones by GRRM: I mean, it's a classic. The way the plot unfolds at the end really is incredible, but from the first chapter it grips you. (4/5)

The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas: HOLY SHIT if you read one book because of me let it be this one, it is criminally underrated for how well known it is. It is thee action-adventure novel of all time, hysterically funny and easy to read. (5/5)

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern: I took a little dip into YA to bring some autumn vibes to my summer internship. Plot was bad, vibes came through. (2.5/5)

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte: fucking slaps!! anyone who thinks it isn't romantic is dead wrong, I found it much more engaging than Jane Eyre, the other Bronte novel I've read. (4.5/5)

Just Above My Head by James Baldwin: a gripping account of two black families before and during the civil rights movement, of which one son becomes a famous gospel singer. Julia, one of the daughters and a child evangelist, stuck with me long after I finished it (5/5)

Nona the Ninth by Tamryn Muir: enjoyed it more than HTN, Nona asking about her birthday present made me cry, as did Campal :( (4.5/5)

That Summer In Paris by Morley Callaghan: put me in a massive reading slump over a silly little Goodwill read, never have I been less entertained by what was essentially a book of entirely gossip about 1920s writers. (2/5)

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins: read it immediately after ABOSAS, holds up in its entirety, particularly in the environmental descriptions (4/5)

A Clash of Kings by GRRM: I've already posted about this a ton but holy shit, it's slow getting there but the payoff is incredible. really excited to keep reading bc George absolutely sold me on this web of political and personal relationships. (4.5/5)

A Place Bewitched and Other Stories by Nikolai Gogol: the cap for the year, bleak Russian short stories about weird little tales. would hit harder during fall. (3/5)

Shows

The Last of Us (as good as people said it was. sold me on zombie media as someone who does not like zombie media)

TLOVM S2

You S4 (a decent ending, parts with Love Quinn were the best lolol)

Succession S4

Shadow and Bone S2

Partner Track (CUTE. wish netflix didn't cancel it)

Marvelous Mrs Maisel S5 (a letdown tbh)

Game of Thrones S1

BBC Musketeers (I had a big three musketeers phase this year; this was my fav adaptation I watched. a lot of heart and a lot of silly, I am very biased about it)

BC Strike

Bridgerton - Queen Charlotte (I watched this in French, had a miserable time)

The Terror

The Bear (twice)

The Summer I Turned Pretty S2 (steven and taylor!!!!!)

Legends of Tomorrow S1-5 (rewatching with Roommate)

Yellowjackets S1

Over The Garden Wall (I watch this every autumn)

Gilmore Girls, Seinfeld (continuously)

The X Files S1-2

Blue Eye Samurai (shockingly blunt and visceral in everything from it's depiction of racism to fully committing to animating a boner).

Unfinished: Fionna and Cake, the Fall of the House of Usher. we're working on it.

Top Five Movies (no rewatches):

5. 500 Days of Summer

4. Get Out

3. The Green Knight

2. La La Land

The Boy and The Heron

Top Five Books:

5. Wuthering Heights

4. Nona the Ninth

3. A Clash of Kings

2. Just Above My Head

The Three Musketeers

Top Five Shows:

5. The Last of Us

4. Yellowjackets

3. BBC's The Musketeers

2. Blue Eye Samurai

The X Files

If you made it this far send me an ask telling me what ur favs were this year or thoughts you have on mine :)

[pinkeebwui]

15 questions for 15 tags ~

Tagged by @figthefruitfaeth, who is the only one to keep me in ask game content www (not that I can tag you without looking up my notifs rn…….)

1. Are you named after anyone?

One of my middle names is after my mom’s great-grandmother.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I don’t know specifically but probably early this month; the holidays were giving me a hard time and I was missing home a lot.

3. Do you have kids?

Who tf do you think I am?? the tumbkr population is aging but not that much!! And, in this economy??

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

My family runs on it, so yes.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Now I’m being asked about it? Idk. Probably hair or maybe scent (especially perfume/cologne - I’m sensitive to scent and don’t like them).

6. What’s your eye color?

Depends on the light, usually like, pale blue.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. Scary movies are too much for me, I find them unpleasant overall. And just because you have a happy ending doesn’t mean you don’t have tragedy and hardship before it, that’s what makes it worth finishing.

8. Any special talents?

I’m pretty good with animals and babies, apparently, but other than that idk. I can cross my eyes? Lol

9. Where were you born?

USA, the land of 20oz boba, real lemonade, and barbecue

10. What are you hobbies

I have a lot of them, but I haven’t been able to get to my creative ones much. I collect kpop stuff (Hinged), I draw sometimes, embroider, paint, etc. I read when I have time. I also like trying new desserts at the convenience store. And I’ve considered picking up calligraphy recently, I need to inquire about the classes though.

11. Do you have any pets

Not of my own; my family has like. A small zoo. Ten? Cats, dogs, and some budgies we ended up with because they were lost and unclaimed at the shelter and we have a little experience with birds. Oh, and am ancient, belligerent Pygmy goat.

12. Have you ever played/do you play any sports?

I swam competitively year-round when I was a kid for probably over ten years; not super talented or anything like my friends who’ve gone to trials, but because it was fun. I stopped mostly around late middle school, did a final two summer leagues, then quit for good. I also used to dance (11 years, 10 of them ballet) casually. And I had started a volleyball class right at the start of the pandemic then couldn’t finish it for obvious reasons. I’d love to pick up archery again, or kyuudo specifically.

13. How tall are you

5’7” or thereabouts, I get a different number every time a nurse who’s shorter than me measures 🤷🏼

14. Favorite subject in school

English and history, I always really enjoyed history as a kid and through high school, and then grew into my love of English later on as I grew into an interest in writing as well as reading. Monkey read, monkey do. I also really enjoyed art, particularly in high school. I took all the offered classes and then did an independent study and was kind of the one art teacher’s… mot favorite, but something close to it.

15. Dream job

I don’t know, frankly. Doing whatever I want and getting paid to do it? Like, whatever strikes my mood as I feel like it, be it writing, editing, something like library clerking and potentially programming, something creative with a more physically tangible product, teaching. The flexibility to live and also hop around. I used to think it was writing, but I don’t think I’d like writing anymore if it were my main source of income.

I’m not tagging 15 people but @willthewhompingwillow @polliniaa @taebaelee @infernalfae @something-wild-cat if you feel so inclined

[feuillemorts]

⟨  nathalie emmanuel. cis woman. she / her. 31.  ⟩   we welcome  lynesse redwyne  to winterfell, the  lady  of  the arbor.  keep an eye out for their  frugal  nature, they tend to cover it up by acting  compassionate.  rumor has it they are  neutral  to the peace treaty, and their loyalties lie with  houses redwyne and tyrell.  you’ll know it’s them when you get flashes of  dried flowers with the petals just beginning to fall  +  small, deliberate stitches  +  only taking care of yourself after everyone else has been helped  +  the golden glow of a summer evening．

BASICS

NAME： lynesse redwyne． MEANING： nature’s choice． ALSO CALLED： lyn, ness． TITLES： lady of the arbor． AGE： thirty one  ( 516 ac )． BIRTHPLACE： the arbor, the reach． GENDER： cis female．      PRONOUNS： she / her． ORIENTATION： heterosexual, heteromantic． MARITAL STATUS：  unbetrothed, unwed．

RELIGION： faith of the seven． LANGUAGES： the common tongue． MORAL ALIGNMENT： neutral good． PERSONALITY TYPES：enneagram two, the helper  /  esfj-t． POSITIVES： compassionate, practical, industrious, dutiful, unpretentious． NEGATIVES： frugal, overachieving, repressed, workaholic, self-sacrificing．

FACE CLAIM： nathalie emmanuel． HEIGHT： five feet, seven inches  /  170 cm． DEFINING CHARACTERISTICS： a ring of gold piercing her septum, curling coils of hair that are difficult to tame．

FUN FACTS： started her own garden as a kid and still cares for it today． a cup of tea will fix all your problems type of girl． middle child syndrome dialed up to eleven． just wants the arbor to be run well without any nonsense, please and thank you．

HISTORY

I． an heir, a spare, and one to adore　—　such is often the dynamic among three siblings, and so it proves to be with house redwyne. mace is the oldest, granted every wish. denyse is the beloved youngest, treasured and cosseted. their father's many bastards are evidence of fertility and wealth, welcomed by even the ruling lady. and lynesse? she settles into the role of helper, quietly available to aid any member of her family with whatever they ask.

II． although such care for her family is appreciated, it also means such behavior is, before long, expected, even taken for granted. she is loved by her parents, to be sure, but not granted much individual time with them. her brother monopolizes their half-siblings as if it is his right, and her younger sister is quiet and too young to truly play with. so she looks elsewhere for companionship:  entire days are spent trailing behind the workers in the arbor's vineyards, fond greetings of　‘ little lady lyn ’　welcoming her arrival, freckles and hem darkening despite the inevitable scolding. an idyllic childhood, in its own way, until tragedy unexpectedly strikes their family  ﹔  lynesse is only eleven years of age when her mother dies, but denyse is younger still, and her father and mace are hardly the maternal type, let alone concerned with daily tasks. so she rises to the occasion, basic understanding of how to manage a household becoming experience, and the first inclinations towards practicality and frugality growing distinct.

III． when mace leaves on his travels, it is fairly obvious that regardless of whatever excuses about grape varieties had been given, he is truly only thinking of himself and his own pleasure. as is so often the case, however, their father indulges him, leaving those remaining to pick up the pieces. if her smile is tight as they wave the ship goodbye, he is soon too far away to tell. as the years pass, the burden lynesse is expected to carry grows heavier in direct correlation to her father's failing health. having studied the same general topics with both of her siblings but never the specifics of leading a house, much less an entire island, she relies heavily on her younger sister, who soaks up much of the necessary knowledge at their father's side until it is no longer possible. upon his passing, their situation is further complicated by the fact that lynesse is not the ruling lady ﹔ minor issues can be taken care of, but she barely has any jurisdiction for more significant matters. her continued relationship with the island’s workforce proves invaluable, their support ensuring past vendors give her a chance and her own dedication combined with their obviously excellent product securing return business.

IIIV． life is not easy, but it is for the most part calm　—　until their mercurial ruling lord returns. mace thinks it a gift that he has taken the burden of governing from her, but fulfills so few duties that little changes, and what does seems nearly all negative. any credibility she has won with the merchants is tested now that the lord is back, even though much of his time is still spent away from the arbor. his son arrives with him, and she does her best to mitigate how carelessly he is treated despite her concern about their house's future if the boy is made heir. denyse is betrothed, sent away to increase his power rather than her happiness. lynesse has done her best to remain quiet and non-confrontational in hopes that he will not take offense and do the same to her, leaving her beloved arbor with no true guidance, but she is slowly reaching her limit.

[usagirotten]

Movie Review: Beetlejuice Beetlejuice shows off unnecessary nostalgia

We have seen once again that nostalgia sells, Hollywood is desperate to have that success in its summer blockbusters without achieving it, and for this, it has relied on old classics, modernizing them unnecessarily and making them inclusive for a new generation, so that they know how good cinema was made at the end of the last century. Unfortunately, we have realized that this no longer works, there is nothing that can surprise us anymore, this crisis in entertainment has not only lost millions of dollars but also viewers who have seen more interesting content on streaming platforms. Since Michael Keaton embodied a fun character that took horror and dark fantasy comedy to another level, the creativity and originality that its director Tim Burton has had to make this whole bizarre world possible in which nothing seems to be impossible is undeniable. 36 years have passed since its premiere and now it returns to the big screens with a sequel that tries to follow in the footsteps of its predecessor with nostalgia as stale as its existence and that aims to have a vision focused on having more followers from these new generations. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoZqL9N6Rx4

What is Beetlejuice Beetlejuice about?

After an unexpected family tragedy, three generations of the Deetz family return to their home in Winter River, still tormented by Beetlejuice (Michael Keaton) Lydia's (Winona Ryder) life turns upside down when her rebellious teenage daughter Astrid (Jenna Ortega) discovers the mysterious model of the city in the attic and the portal to the Afterlife accidentally opens, with problems in both realms it is only a matter of time until someone says Beetlejuice's name three times and this mischievous demon returns to unleash his kind of chaos. Yes, in this day and age, we are very familiar with this type of inherited sequel with all their nostalgic enthusiasm and how empty they can be, we could say that at first glance its director Tim Burton, and star actor Michael Keaton and Winona Ryder return to reprise their characters for Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, we understood that what had to be told was already told, it was retold in a musical play on Broadway (2019 - 2020) it was continued in 4 seasons of an animated series (1989 - 1991)

We were wrong in thinking that this was over and this was a new opportunity for these old "classics" to repeat their macabre magic that managed to surprise and entertain 36 years ago but making everything new and more modern, suitable for the current world in which we live. However, for better or worse, the most "novel" thing about Beetlejuice is that it is not strictly a remake or a new version of its predecessor this is what sequels were supposed to be with big, striking changes to surpass and expand the original. What's loud and boisterously silly about this work is its pacing and storytelling, it's plausible proof that Tim Burton's imagination has no limits if left to his own devices, as an audience who wants Halloween-style fun with scares and practical jokes we doubt that even that matters to his story, given how fast-paced this film can be there are several things to consider in the development of its plot and how it links references from its predecessor with these new subplots. Unfortunately for everyone involved during the first act, there are a lot of setups to do before getting into the action, one of these things involves the revelation that Lydia Deetz (Winona Ryder) has surprisingly and out of nowhere become a star, is the host of a supernatural talk show called Ghost House (any resemblance to Late Night with the Devil is purely coincidental) doing what once caused her serious problems and consequences when her parents tried to profit off of ghosts and the supernatural, it is evident that she is not happy as her producer and possible fiancé Rory (Justin Theroux) pressures her and promotes her more towards the commercial which helps in large part to distance herself more and more from her rebellious teenage daughter Astrid (Jenna Ortega). After her stepmother Delia (Catherine O'Hara) informs her of her father's death, these three generations of women are forced to gather for the funeral during Halloween week. The central ghostly characters of the first film, the Maitlands (Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis), are inexplicably no longer back, something that would have been a great point in favor of the film; in fact, they are not even mentioned. Understandably, Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis can't return to play these adorable and charismatic ghosts they played so many years ago. Their script fails to find something strong and credible enough to replace that of this couple to adapt to the conditions of the same, conveniently for the writers the few qualities that this sequel has do not reside in what they can or cannot improvise but in the way in which they are developing it and using as a pretext that Burton's madness is like that, a place without law and without rules where everything can be done and undone at will and in the service of a script that does not escape from being mediocre and trite. Along with the above, several subplots are more interesting than the story, but when it comes to applying the main essence of the film, it reveals itself and confuses itself. We immediately realize how poorly crafted the script by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar is, something that bases its effectiveness on nostalgia and on something we have seen before. The narrative is straightforward. It is about three generations of women who face different stages of grief and the relationship they have had with death and their world. All of this is forced by superfluous things and half-formed ideas. For example, the movie star turned detective played by Willem Dafoe is completely unnecessary and could be eliminated without the film losing its rhythm. It could have used more of its time to clarify and develop the new stage of Lydia's character, an element of the first Beetlejuice that unfortunately is not taken into account here, it is the emotional anchor of a macabre and sinister normality of Adam and Barbara Maitland that countered the madness and chaos of everyone else in 1988. The romantic moment comes with the love story between Astrid and Jeremy (Arthur Conti) this inopportune teenage romance evokes sensations driven by jokes, music, shared stories, and jokes that could well have been told separately in another work that detail things more but we would be falling into copying, in that we already saw this told in another way in the television series Wednesday even the character of Astrid reminds us of the essence of this other one. All of this is a work that prides itself on being imperfect. The film suffers from major flaws such as its obvious narrative irregularity that is present in most of Burton's modern films, but the creativity and ingenuity of its director seem to have had a necessary rebirth. Almost all the scenes have that peculiar visual style that characterizes the type of cinema of the person who directs it. The emphasis on returning to stop-motion effects and the most artisanal and manual visual camera tricks is its strongest point. It is in these moments that it feels more like a sequel. Beetlejuice relies on and abuses jokes too much in almost every frame they make fun of everything where some work well and others don't, the overload of all this serves more to interrupt than to amuse and entertain, ideas that could have been good and that are not expanded or exploited as they should be to continue enriching, we have seen this comfort zone before along with its essential moral discourse that empowers women more in the manner of a modern joke, the importance of the family is present once again and that everything can be achieved if you have the will to do it, concepts that have already been told to us in a thousand and one ways until we are tired and that very rarely work and this is not the case. The same can be said about the references that are a copy and recreation in some cases of random and endearing details that desperately plead for nostalgia, Burton uses Beetlejuice's memories of his marriage to Delores (Monica Bellucci) as an excuse to pay homage to the black and white Italian horror cinema of Italian film director Mario Bava, this supposed villain with an appearance typical of the style that Burton has used in Catwoman from Batman Returns (1992) and in Sally from A Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) a reinvention of the modern Prometheus' girlfriend that contributes absolutely nothing to the plot, the death scene of a main character is told in a shocking and sinister way but cleverly done with the use of stop motion animation, it is disappointing that none of these elements complement each other and each one has its rhythm, as if they were completely different things.

At the end of the film is when Beetlejuice inevitably returns to reproduce all the successes of the original film making this a whole show together with the desire to please and entertain both friends and strangers in a nonsense that is just plain fun, it is pretentious to think that a new saga could emerge from this that leads these characters to tell new stories, it is stretching the gum on the other hand with the hope that it works leaving an open ending. The production design of this supernatural underworld is dazzling, dark, sinister, and exquisitely creepy just as we saw it in the 1988 film, and despite being able to use all these modern techniques in CGI and special effects the film goes more for the side of maintaining a simple and artisanal look, the makeup and costumes do their thing and in the same way, it works with everything we see, everything is taken care of down to the smallest detail emphasizing that almost 4 decades have passed. The cast is made up of Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, Catherine O'Hara, Jenna Ortega, Justin Theroux, Willem Dafoe, Danny DeVito, Jeffrey Jones, and Monica Bellucci, each having fun in their way, each contributing what is needed and a little more to their performances and character development, a party for adults where the plot fell short as well as the dialogues and their respective jokes, great actors for a film that should have given more of itself. The music composed by Danny Elfman does not surprise us, the chords and the pieces are a modernization of what we had heard before, something that musically does not sound like a sequel but rather like the laziness of making new material that has its personality and that keeps up with the modernity that it claims to have, a weak work that is not up to what is expected, the songs are a separate point, the new version of Day-O (The Banana Boat Song) was essential, Donna Summer, Bee Gees and Richard Marx also participate. In conclusion, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is far from being a classic film that the new generations of gothic teenagers can appreciate it is not even a good film, it very forcefully fulfills its role of entertainment and achieves this thanks to the duo that Burton and Keaton make, the rest is unnecessary. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is already in theaters across the country. Spanish version Read the full article

[kyuuppi]

Overboard (1)

Pairing: merfolk!Xiao x Reader (f) Contents: mythical AU; graphic depictions of drowning and associated anxiety; modern AU Liyue; multi-chapter with slow updates Word Count: 3.7k

Living on a boat kinda sucks.

That, among several other profound realizations, has stuck you over the past week and a half spent on the cruise ship.

Late at night, when the waves became less forgiving, walking on wobbly legs was tiring and you had never quite gotten over the seasickness. The worst part was probably just the knowledge that you were confined to a set space. As large of a ship as it was, you could only visit the desk pool and ballroom so many times before it got old. After the first three days, you were already ready to leave. You probably would have thrown yourself into the ocean to escape the monotony if it weren't for the fact that you didn't know how to swim.

The trip was intended to be fun and stress-free, a way to relax amidst the overwhelming chaos of the world. You were skeptical but your friends had a way of convincing you of things (read: they offered to pay part of your ticket). Xiangling in particular seemed quite enthusiastic about the excursion, though you suspect that had more to do with the cruise’s infamous unlimited seafood buffet than anything else.

Currently, your friends are presumably dancing the night away to the ship DJ’s unique rendition of Hot Girl Summer that’s been on repeat for the better part of half an hour. They’re likely having fun, worry-free, and you’re happy for them…

Even if you aren’t a part of it.

A soft whoosh of air escapes your lungs as you lean forward on the thin metal rail protecting you from the dark abyss just meters below. The erratic winds of the night ruffle your hair carelessly but your gaze remains focused on the ocean before.

It’s cold and frightening and yet it beacons to you as if it were your home.

Small waves crash against the broad white sides of the ship, nearly drowning out the rambunctious music and partygoers behind you. The water ripples unpredictably, small white caps appearing and disappearing within the mass. You’re reminded of the stories of unfortunate sailors, setting out with the hopes of catching enough to feed their families only to be blindsided by the cruel whims of mother nature and lost to the sea, never to be found again, But you’re also reminded of childhood summers spent on the beach, floating aimlessly along the gentle waters, admiring how your family looked like ants when you drifted far enough only to be reeled back in with the promise of freshly sliced watermelon.

The sea is a dichotomy, you muse. Perhaps that's why so many people fear it. People like neatly categorizing things. One can’t be good and bad, they say. It’s always one or the other.

Thoughtlessly, you lean over further, letting your jaw relax slightly just to taste the hints of salt in the air.

That’s when tragedy strikes.

A particularly large wave crashes into the hull, rocking the whole boat incrementally to the opposite side. It is just a small movement, something most of the passengers probably don’t even notice as they’re dancing under the starlight.

But you’re leaning precariously over the railing and that small shift in balance is enough to throw your upper body over the metal.

Your legs briefly catch on the railing before they, too, go over and in moments you’re plummeting—but only for a second, not even long enough to scream—then you’re underwater.

The hit is hard, knocking out what little air was in your lungs as your muscles seize in shock against the cold. Your body is frozen against your will. Maybe it’s for the better—fighting it and panicking is what causes most people to drown in the first place. Except you’re still sinking. The buoyancy of the water still trying to catch up with the momentum at which you fell and your lungs are starting to work again.

You’re gasping involuntarily, your body trying to recover from having the air seized from your lungs. Saltwater stings your throat as you gulp until you choke, trying to sputter out the water in your chest but there’s nowhere for it to go, Every attempt to expel water from your airways only forces more in until your mind starts feeling hazy, your vision long since lost to the darkness of the water at night.

Above you, the cruise ship continues to coast along, artificial lights twinkling merrily against the sea while patrons laugh and dance, oblivious to the person drowning several meters below. It's morbid—but perhaps this is better than having hundreds of helpless spectators watching your last moments.

You’re acutely aware that you’re going to die and the thought is horrifying yet your mind feels calm as if some part of your brain has already accepted its fate.

Within a few minutes, your consciousness slips away.

The first sensation you register is pain.

Soreness in your back and butt hint at a hard surface while your left ankle and thighs inexplicably alternate between throbbing and being completely numb.

As unpleasant as the aches are, your brain distantly reminds you that pain means you are very much still alive.

With a wince, you peel your heavy eyelids open. Your vision is bleary for a moment until you adjust to the low light and recognize the rough textures of dark limestone. You crane against the ache in your neck to further investigate your surroundings, noting the dimly fluorescent algae lining the lower levels of the rock before breaking off into still waters. Your body rests on a particularly large jut of rock just above the waterline and with the limited light, you conclude you’re in some sort of cave.

Gathering any vestigial strength left in your limbs, you force your body to sit up against the weight of your damp clothing.

That’s when you notice a shadowy figure to the left of your rock, less than two meters away.

With a shriek, your scramble backward, fumbling with the pain in your ankle while the figure visible jumps as well, equally started by your noise.

Wide-eyed, you gape at the figure, quickly recognizing the face of a man—

except some things are off.

A pair of strikingly bright, red-lined golden eyes stare back at you, just as wide and fearful as your own. Around them, you recognize a small nose, thin lips, and mused dark hair. Beyond that, the features become less familiar.

On each side of his head, nestled between mused dark hair with streaks of teal strands, sit a pair of what you can only describe as fins. Spiky spines weaved together with delicate webbing and gently twist and twitch with the distant sounds of the ocean like the ears of an attentive cat.

His skin slightly shimmers with the light reflected off the water. He’s almost holographic, like he’s coated with the tiny scales of a butterfly wing.

In a way, he looks ethereal. Like some type of water fairy—aside from the threateningly sharp black talons you spot on the ends of his fingertip, anxiously curled and gripping the rock beneath him. Every muscle in his upper body looks tensed as if prepared to bolt at a moment’s notice.

The rest of his body, from the chin down, is obscured by the water he’s submerged in, hiding any other mystical characteristics he may possess.

“Um,” you finally croak, breaking the silence.

His fin-like ears twitch at your voice and he sinks further into the water until only his eyes and the top of his head are visible but otherwise maintaining his position.

You awkwardly offer your name but he remains still, staring at you warily like you’re the sharp-clawed monster.

His sharp gaze and silence gradually become too much and you find yourself shifting your attention back to your surroundings.

You have no idea where you are—if you think too much about that fact the worry becomes debilitating so instead, you focus on the things you do know—such as the time of day. A peek through a gap in the rocks reveals the same clear sky and stars you saw on the ship so it must still be night time which means you weren’t unconscious for very long and the cruise ship is likely still close by to wherever you washed up.

Inspired by that realization, you shift your weight, attempting to leave the hard rocks in favor of the cool water to potentially find an exit you can squeeze yourself through. You can’t swim very well but you coil find higher around atop the cave and wait for the ship to spot you. Surely your friends have realized your absence, right? Even if the ship isn’t around, surely a coast guard might be on patrol—

You let out a shrill cry as pain shoots up your left leg from your ankle, knocking you off balance and face first towards the water.

Before you can make contact, a pair of cool hands grab the fabric of your shirt.

The creature from before is much closer now, firmly supporting your weight without breaking eye contact. He seems slightly less wary than before, eyes just slightly less wide, but he still stares at you like an unknown specimen in a test tube.

You hadn’t even seen him move, you think. If it weren’t for the sloshing of disturbed water, you would have thought he’d teleported in front of you.

“Th-thanks,” you stutter out sheepishly.

To your surprise, he makes a small sound in the back of his throat. Acknowledgment.

Then he’s pushing you back into a comfortable seating position and pulling away. His movements allow you to catch a glimpse of something moving around him in the water, shiny and iridescent but dark with predominantly teal tones like the tiny scales on his skin.

A tail, you realize. And now that he’s even closer, you notice the thin slits lining the sides of his neck. Gills.

He’s a fucking mermaid, your brain supplies, feeling mildly delirious.

Or was it merman? Do mythical sea creatures have a concept of gender?

Perhaps the cruise ship champagne had been stronger than you’d given it credit for.

“You are injured.”

It takes you a few moments to register that the being before you has just spoken and even longer to decipher the contents.

His voice had been soft, in a slightly higher tone than most of the men you had met around your age, and even a little raspy, as if it was rarely used. But it was pleasant, nonetheless.

Perhaps he’s a siren, you think. The type to lure in wayward sailors and shipmaids from the safety of their boats with the gentle call of a song.

His clear hesitance to be near you points to otherwise and you dismiss the thought.

“I think I sprained my ankle,” you supply unhelpfully. Glancing down at yourself you recognize a few darkened bruises and red marks on your thighs, prompting memories of hitting the metal railing before falling overboard.

The creature’s eyes follow the trail of your own, glancing at said sprained ankle with a slight furrow in his brow as if perplexed by your human anatomy. The concept amuses you and you intentionally wiggle your toes just to see the furrow deepen.

“What’s your name,” you venture amicably.

He freezes, seeming to contemplate whether or not he should answer until you remind him that you had already supplied yours so it is only fair. He huffs but complies.

“I am Adeptus Xiao.”

His voice remains cold, uninterested, but you can recognize the twinge of pride as his shoulders straighten and his fins flutter. It must be a title of honor.

“A…deptus,” you repeat, the word foreign on your tongue.

Xiao’s golden hues flash with something akin to annoyance at your ignorance but he says nothing.

“Thank you for saving me, Xiao,” you quickly amend, offering a smile you can only hope conveys the magnitude of your gratefulness towards him. He deserves it, as he is presumably the one who found you and brought you to this musty albeit comforting cave.

Afterall, if not for Xiao…

You distantly recall the sensations of burning lungs and stinging eyes as you flailed about in the unforgiving clutches of the ocean.

His voice startles you out of your dark thoughts.

“It is not often that I come into contact with humans,” he admits softly.

“The duty bestowed upon me is to protect my people by defeating nefarious sea monsters like Haishan—rescuing a human from drowning…it is a first for me.”

It is the most he has said to you so far this whole time and something gives you the impression it is the most he’s said to anyone in a long time.

His confession prompts a whole slew of new questions in your mind. How many other beings like him exist in the ocean, what exactly is he, who gave him this “duty,” and what the hell is a Haishan.

You don’t want to overwhelm him—not when he seems so hesitant to speak with you in the first place—so you settle on a single question instead.

“Why did you save me?”

To your surprise, he immediately turns his head and averts his gaze in a gesture akin to shyness. You wonder if you are imagining the way his cheeks seem to pinken in the dark.

“I just happened to be nearby,” he murmurs.

You have to bite your lip to keep from smiling and potentially making him any more embarrassed. How cute.

“Well, regardless, I am very thankful,” you reply sincerely.

“However, I really need to get back to the ship now. I’m…not really good with water.”

Xiao’s lips seem to twitch slightly with amusement but you aren’t sure if you’ve imagined it and before you can say anything more, he pulls away from your rock and abruptly dives underwater. The still waters in the cave didn’t look that deep when you considered wading in them a few minutes ago, but considering you’ve completely lost sight of him, you guess your assumptions had been inaccurate.

Left alone, you briefly wonder if he has abandoned you altogether. It’s not like he was under any obligation to help you—considering how cagey he seemed, it was likely enough of a risk to save you in the first place. While trying to learn to swim out of here with a sprained ankle would definitely suck, it wasn’t the end of the world, you supposed…

To your delight, Xiao soon reappears with a vaguely familiar object. Tightly within his grasp is a round tube, white with red stripes and scuffed and yellowed with signs of obvious age. He releases it right in front of you, allowing you to watch as it bobs steadily above the water. The bold black text proclaiming “EMERGENCY USE ONLY” serves to further pin down its identity, even if you had never seen one before in person.

“A lifebuoy,” you breathe, unexpectedly overcome with relief at the sight. Anything to assist you with swimming is a very much welcomed sight.

“I found it among wreckage many winters ago but it will still serve its purpose,” Xiao explains nonchalantly.

He watches expectantly as you ease yourself onto the device. Your movements are clumsy, encumbered by your injuries, but Xiao is quick to offer assistance when needed, gripping at your clothed waist when your balance goes awry and within a few short moments you find yourself bobbing in the cool water, the lifebuoy secured just below your chest.

The gentle push and pull of the ocean threaten to jostle your sprained ankle so you keep your legs tightly locked together to minimize movement. It is unpleasant, but you can manage at least until you’re safely back on solid ground.

“Hold on to me and I will guide you back to your vessel, mortal.”

Despite his words, Xiao is the one who grabs at your buoy and you can do nothing but scramble to hold on to his pale arm. He noticeable jumps and tenses at your touch but says nothing and begins swimming.

The skin beneath your hands is cool to the touch and slippery and soft—like what you imagine the skin of a seal to be like—but the muscle beneath is undoubtedly firm in the way you imagine only a wild predator could be.

Despite his apparent strength—or maybe because of it—his movements in the water are graceful. If you strain your neck you can make out the steady whips of his dark tail in the water, propelling the two of you forward in a smooth motion. You can tell he is moving much slower than he is probably used to for your sake. With a tail that large, you imagine he can reach some impressive speeds underwater, but he remains persistently gentle as he guides you along the water, through a large gap in the cave, and eventually out into the open sea.

Typically, relying on a simple floating decide in the midst of the vast ocean with no visible shore would be terrifying but Xiao’s presence seems to calm your nerves. He moves with confidence, clearly having spent his whole life in the water.

As you had suspected, the ship was not too far.

The familiar bright pink and yellow lights shimmer along the water as the distant sounds of music and laughter travel with the sea breeze. Maybe your friends hadn’t noticed your absence yet after all.

You weren’t sure how to feel about that.

Xiao continues to guide you closer until the two of you are close enough to just barely make out the details of the passengers’ faces. He slows down at that point and releases your buoy from his taloned grip. Your anxiety spikes at the thought of floating out here alone and you tighten your grip, much to Xiao’s displeasure if his sneer is anything to go by.

“You are close enough for them to hear,” he announces.

“If you call out, they’ll be able to offer a lifeboat or raft.”

Xiao moves to leave but you stop him with your persistent grip on his bicep, eyeing him almost frantically.

“Y-you’ll stay nearby though, right? Until they come?”

Your voice shakes with slight fear and Xiao eyes you momentarily, gaze unreadable. Some dark part of your mind wonders if he’ll just scoff at you for being pathetic and swim away. What kind of idiot goes on a cruise when they can’t even swim?

To your relief, Xiao simply nods at you.

Something in his golden gaze—much soften than you remember it being in the cave—relaxes you and, slowly, you release your grip on his arm.

Xiao lingers for just a moment before diving back beneath the surface, gently but swiftly moving away. You can just barely make out the shimmer of his scales beneath the surface several meters away but is enough to comfort you knowing he’s close enough to rescue you if Jaws decides to suddenly appear for a midnight snack.

Returning your attention to the cruise ship in front of you, you muster up all your breath to let out a shout, shakily waving your arms above your head.

A few passengers turn at the sound, eyeing you in shock before they seem to gather themselves and yell out to others. Soon enough, men in uniforms you assume to be security personnel are rushing to the railings closest to you, yelling down instructions of “be calm” and “help is on the way.”

Everything happens quickly after that.

As Xiao had promised, a man on an inflatable lifeboat appears from around the other side of the ship and quickly rows over to you, helping your shaky form onto the boat. A large pulley along the hull lifts your raft onto the lower deck of the ship where several more uniformed men await, helping retrieve the boat while a woman offers medical assistance, asking you how you feel and swaddling you in an aluminum blanket. You answer all questions in a daze, sticking to simple yes or no answers. You vaguely recognize one of them asking where you found the lifebuoy as they remove it from your body but you’re sure whatever you had replied was an incomprehensible mumble.

Instead, your attention is focused intently on the dark blue void of the ocean you had just been rescued from, hoping to catch a glimpse of Xiao, if only to assure yourself he was real and not just some vivid hallucination your oxygen-deficient drowning brain had conjured up.

You see nothing but waves.

That night your friends are nearly inconsolable. They had rushed over as soon as security has allowed you to return to the main deck of the ship, swarming you with hugs and teary apologies.

“We should have never left you alone—we’re so sorry!!”

“You must have been so scared…”

“From now on we will be glued to the hip!”

With Xiangling sobbing into your shoulder and Xingqiu staring dejectedly as if he’d just kicked a puppy, you almost feel like they were the ones to have a traumatic experience instead. You repeatedly reassure them you’re fine, insist that Xiangling can still go eat at the buffet, Xinyan can still go dancing on the deck, and Xingqiu and Chongyun can go watch shows in the theater, you’ll be fine in your room by yourself—but your friends refuse to listen and you find yourself buried in warm blankets in the bed of your cabin with everyone cozied up around you as a cheerful cartoon plays on the TV screen. Xiangling hasn’t let go of your hand since she dragged you in here and Chongyun keeps glancing at you with a small smile that makes your chest feel warm.

Perhaps there are worse things than falling overboard on a cruise ship…

Somewhere far in the distance a pair of golden eyes linger on a ship slowly disappearing over the horizon.

[livlepretre]

I don’t remember what chapter but in fairytale ending Rebekah says “Back in my day, we used to throw slop at the pigs we didn’t stay to watch them eat.” Followed by asking why Stefan wants to spend time with someone who is so little fun.

You want to know why isn’t having any fun Rebekah it’s because she’s being held hostage and the love of her life is sleeping with two other people. And she is being tormented and bullied by you every time she sees you.

I don’t know why Elena hasn’t called Rebekah out on her abuse of Elena (maybe in the heat of passion she will next chapter) and honestly I love reading fairytale ending but the only ship that I ship is Elena and HAPPINESS.

that is very good because elena x happiness is actually the endgame ship

as I've said sooo many times, this is a fic primarily about elena, that happens to also feature elena x klaus as the primary shipping lens/most important relationship in general in the fic, as well as various other ships (other than elena and herself???? which blows elena and klaus out of the water, I suppose)

I think at this point Elena is not going to be bringing up Rebekah's cruelty to her from almost five years ago; they had found an uneasy peace before the three years in exile-- Elena had finally grasped Rebekah's character, her deep insecurity and sadness and immaturity which leads her to cruelty-- and she had pitied her for it while also feeling some sympathy. And of course, Rebekah had done Elena the ultimate kindness-- she was integral to saving Tyler, and she agreed to do it and it all worked. So Rebekah gets Elena's forgiveness, sealed with that moment of coming to her aid and their mutual recognition of each other as reflections of each other, both prisoners to Klaus in one way or another, both loving the same people, both romantics who break their hearts for those they love. As it always goes with forgiveness, whether or not Rebekah deserves Elena's forgiveness doesn't really matter. That's not how it works.

Moreover, by the time Rebekah returns to Elena's life... Elena's had time to grow up and move on. She's incredibly lonely and Rebekah falls into her life like a star, becoming the only person in Elena's life that summer and giving her friendship and companionship and a chance to love again-- and she's hungry for it and ready to seize it. She can look back on what happened and view it as bullying, like the most overdramatic teenage bullying of all time because Rebekah is a vampire and that twists normal bad things into hideous and obscene heights. And of course, Elena has been twisted too-- she can no longer decipher right and wrong the way she could in the past and no longer can see things for what they are-- she's used to vampiric violence and absurdity.

The thing that could ultimately drive a wedge between Elena and Rebekah is this: Elena is 22 now, but Rebekah is forever 17. And not a very mature 17 year old, the way Stefan is (he strikes me as one of those 17 year old who's a little wiser than he should be, maybe acts more like someone in his early 20s rather than a teenager). She's bratty and insecure and takes her feelings out on others and her tragedy is that she's never going to be able to grow up and mature out of these things. She gets older without truly getting any wiser, or maturing in any way that we can relate to... like she can gain knowledge, of course, but emotional growth is extremely difficult for vampires to achieve because they are permanently suspended in the amber of who they were when they died. And Rebekah was a sheltered teenaged girl who then went through mind boggling trauma and a millennium of even more trauma suffered at the hands of her brothers (who should have been her protectors) and inflicted upon others by her own hands as well.

Meanwhile, Elena is still mortal. She can still grow and change and learn and discover, and very quickly at that. Right now, the age difference isn't that big of a deal because they have such a powerful shared history, and Rebekah has the power in the relationship, and she is so much older even if she is also simultaneously a permanent teenager, that it tends to tip the balance toward Rebekah. But the balance will shift with time, and if something doesn't change soon-- for example, if Elena doesn't become a vampire, thus suspending her at 22-- then she's going to suddenly be a woman, and Rebekah is going to still be a girl, and their relationship would be doomed.

(Rebekah might know this, even if she can't articulate this to herself. There's a reason she's impatient to turn Elena now that they're together; it's not entirely insecurity over possessing Elena's love; she wants to keep Elena before Elena outgrows her.)

[alcalexandria]

The trailer for the miniseries adaptation for Station Eleven has been released. The book is, I think, very beautiful, and Mackenzie Davis' character is imho the most important (and moving) of the four or five "leads", tying several of them together and embodying all the central themes. (There are enough curious parallels, incidentally, between her backstory and Grace’s that I've wondered a little if Book-Kirsten was an influence one way or the other, but who knows)

Though ostensibly about the survivors of a virus that wiped out civilization in less than a week, it's much more about how we affect and reach out to one another, across obstacles, distance, and even time. The song annoys me, but the substance of what we see here looks very much on point.

I can see they've made some narrative changes, but tonally it looks exactly right and if they can capture even a fragment of the book's deeply humane, heartfelt sentiment for human connection and resilience it'll be gorgeous.

Some very spoilery commentary and speculation under the cut.

- So for folks unfamiliar with the book, it jumps between different characters before, very early into, and 20 years after, a pandemic wipes out 99% of the world almost instantly. What is different about S11 and other apocalyptic stories is that it treats the loss of all these people as an almost unbearable tragedy for the survivors, who live on into a world of looming loneliness and loss, rather than a fun new sandbox playground for survivalist power fantasies. The new civilization that eventually emerges is described as "an archipelago of small towns", scattered little settlements of people clinging to each other against the emptiness. The chaos of Y: The Last Man is long since passed, and the cruelty of Walking Dead is largely obsolete. People are just trying to figure out how to live in the ruins of a world they can't have back. The past (eg early pandemic) sequences mostly take place during a terrible Winter - the "present day" of the story, in 20 years time, is in Summer. Some characters are seen as they were in both periods - some don't make it from one to the other.

- The little girl seen with Jeevan at the start is actually Mackenzie Davis' character, Kirsten, as a child. She is a child actor when the pandemic breaks out, acting in a play with the headlining has-been Arthur Leander (played by Gael Garcia Bernal) the night civilization starts collapsing. The virus strikes so suddenly and chaotically that Kirsten's parents drop her off that day, and never pick her up. She never sees them again, and never discovers what became of them. When we meet her as an adult, she is acting again, now with a travelling troupe of players and musicians who get by telling Shakespeare stories from town to town; though now she is also notably proficient with knives.

- In the book, Jeevan (Himesh Patel) only encounters Kirsten briefly as a child, though she remembers him for the rest of her life. Her brother found and took care of her through the first terrible post-pandemic year, before he stepped on a nail and died of a trivial infection. She doesn’t remember the first year otherwise, apart from how awful it was - awful enough that when a crazed man tries to kill her in present day, she takes it for granted *he* must remember it.

- They seem to have changed her backstory quite a bit here, and now Jeevan takes care of her, along with his own (now partially) disabled brother Frank, in their apartment for several weeks. Around a minute in, I think I see an adult Kirsten crying in the same apartment, which is a major departure. If so, either it's a dream or she finds her way back to it somehow?

- The "Station Eleven" of the title is a space station in a comic Kirsten has owned and treasured since childhood. The story is about a roving space station that is in exile after Earth has been conquered and enslaved by evil aliens - the dilemma for the characters is whether to adjust to life on this imperfect simulation of Earth with no sunrise, or to return to the real Earth and take their chances in their now ruined home. This is a key theme of the book, the conflict between trying to preserve what's left of a time and world that's gone versus trying to forget it to accept the broken world that's replaced it a little easier. Kirsten is young enough to have grown up in the post wipeout world, and has adapted to this life entirely, but she is old enough to long for what has been lost. She remembers watching TV, but not if she's seen a particular show. She remembers things she did with her parents, but not their faces. She remembers how the broken things around her worked, even if they all stopped working before she was old enough to use them herself. She often thinks about how lucky the younger kids around her are, because they have no sense of the lives they might be having instead - "What I mean to say is, the more you remember, the more you've lost", she tells someone. She thinks she is thankful for what she doesn’t remember of the worst post pandemic years, but she also spends much of her time gathering old gossip magazines about a celebrity who died before it even started, and trying to document apparently inconsequential details of the world before.

- The comic book is almost unique, having been the passion project of Miranda (the character seen 1 minute into the trailer) and wasn't necessarily meant to be published commercially. The comic book is where the "spaceman" and starry night imagery comes from - although the book also notes at one point that there is now no more space travel at all. Miranda herself dies of the virus alone and far from home, and Kirsten never meets her - but they are linked all the same by the profound effect Miranda's private project has wound up having on Kirsten. There is a beautiful moment in the trailer where Miranda and Kirsten's voices both share a recited line from Miranda's creation, connecting them across two continents, distant lives, and twenty years - "I stood, looking over the damage, trying to remember the sweetness of life on Earth".

- Interestingly, this is a reversal of the line in tbe book; "I stood looking over my damaged home, and tried to forget the sweetness of life on Earth". In the book, the line comes from a character who is trying to forget what has been lost to him. In the trailer, the speaker seems to want to remember it, to preserve that memory instead of sacrificing it for a chance at peace.

- I think the blue spaceman seen in the trailer is a flashback the show has invented to Miranda's own childhood - perhaps a memory that inspired her project?

- Memory is another running theme. Kirsten's people have made a ritual of tattooing marks on themselves for every life they've had to take to survive. She hopes that the younger members of the group might never need to have any. This includes Alexandra, who is one of the youngest, born after the pandemic. I believe is the girl Kirsten's seen with at 1.23. The show seems to have put much more emphasis on their relationship and cast Kirsten in a big sister role.

- Kirsten has two tattoos of her own, she has had to kill twice. When her friend August kills someone for the first time she is devastated for him, and wishes she could tell him what she knows about the experience - that "It is possible to survive this but not unaltered, and you will carry these men with you through all the nights of your life". August is cast in the show, but we never see him in the trailer, and he is played by Prince Amponsah, who lost both his hands in an accident, so I suspect they're going to transfer this and some of the rest of his plot to Alexandra.

- Along with her tally marks, Kirsten has the group's motto tattooed on her arm - "Survival is Insufficient". That is, it's not enough to just survive, we must have lives, with joy, and art, and each other. The importance of art before and after the virus, and it’s capacity to connect people who would otherwise have no way to reach one another is probably the book's most important idea. The trailer's (show only) shot of a fire burning up the scarce and precious tools and means to make art is shocking and horrifying for readers of the book, where Kirsten and August risk injury or abandonment scavenging schools for even scraps of stuff like that.

- In the book, Jeevan's brother is totally paralyzed after being shot while reporting from a war zone. He quietly commits suicide one night, mostly so Jeevan will leave him before it’s too late to get out of the city. Disability representation advocates were understandably unhappy with this idea, and I think this has prompted another change. In the trailer, Frank (Nabhaan Rizwan) is seen walking, albeit with a cane, but we later see Jeevan using a wheelchair. I think maybe Jeevan himself is seriously injured after the pandemic, while taking care of Kirsten as a kid, and that this has something to do with why they were separated. It's possible show-Jeevan never walks again, I think that may be him watching people dance from a wheelchair in the trailer. He has possibly the happiest ending in the book, settling down to marry and use his paramedic skills to treat people in a safe little town. I think maybe he still does, chair and all.

- Lastly, along with her tally marks and motto tattoos, Kirsten has a large scar on her cheek. The book notes that in the candlelight, when she’s acting in a play, it's no longer visible. I think for the purposes of the tv show, they've moved it to her forehead. There's also a brief mention of she and August cutting each other's hair during a period when they're separated from the rest of the group. I think this has also been transferred to Alexandra, because I think Kirsten's hair looks shorter in the shot at 1:46 than the others, and I think this scene looks like it's in an abandoned school that they or somebody else somehow start a fire in.

For all the darkness and loss of the world they live in, the book ultimately ends on a hopeful, uplifting note. Kirsten finds who she was looking for, and even connects with new people, who have connections of their own to offer her. Life can't ever be the way it was before, but it will be a life too, and living will go on. Despite the obvious rawness of pandemic related storytelling, if any story earns it, it's Station Eleven. Rather than being too sharp a reminder of the real world present, to my mind it's a timely reminder that the present can't be forever either. Life will go on.

[teatimeatwinterpalace]

Do you have any anecdotes about Alexei? I rarely hear about him compared to his sisters (other than about his illness).

hey! here are some of my favourite tidbits (& forgive me for my late reply)

‘As a child of three or four, he often made appearances at the table, making the round from place to place to shake hands and chatter with each guest. Once he plunged beneath the table, pulled off the slipper of one of the maids-of-honor and carried it proudly as a trophy to his father. Nicholas sternly ordered him to put it back, and the Tsarevich disappeared again under the table. Suddenly the lady screamed. Before replacing the slipper on her foot, Alexis had inserted into its toe an enormous ripe strawbery. Thereafter, for several weeks he was not allowed at the dinner table.’

‘Once, at seven, he appeared in the middle of a review of the palace guard, riding a secretly borrowed bicycle across the parade ground. The astonished Tsar promptly halted the review and ordered every man to pursue, surround and capture the wobbling vehicle and its delighted novice rider.’

Lili Dehn | If the Tsarevitch had any peculiarities, I think the most striking was a decided penchant for hoarding. Many descendants of the Coburgs have been unusually thrifty, and perhaps the Tsarevitch inherited this trait. While thrifty he was really a most generous child, although he hoarded his things to such an extent that the Emperor often teased him unmercifully. During the sugar shortage he saved his allowance of sugar, which he gravely distributed among his friends.

Dmitri Likhachev | There were round white marquees with stalls and literally two steps away from me was [the] heir. He turned out to be a very jolly boy, a very mischievous boy. He was pulling presents our of large stacks... and presenting them to the winners. “Oh I can’t find anythng, I can’t find anything,” [said Alexis] searching for [a] gift. But of course, they were filled with gifts. And then he said, “Oh this one is heavy, so heavy, I can’t lift it.” He wanted to tease an elderly gentleman standing there, And then he pulled out a bottle of champagne.

Lili Dehn | My husband and I had been dining with the Imperial Family, and after dinner the Emperor suggested that we should accompany them to the Tsarevitch's bedroom, as the Empress always went thither to bid him good night and hear him say his prayers. It was a pretty sight to watch the child and his mother, and listen to his simple prayers, but, when the Empress rose to go, we suddenly found ourselves in complete darknessthe Tsarevitch had switched off the electric light over his bed!

"Why have you done this, Baby?" asked the Empress. "Oh," answered the child, "it's only light for me, Mama, when you are here. It's always quite dark when you have gone."

World War I

Baroness Sophie Buxhoeveden | All the children adored their mother, but her constant care of him made a particular bond of love between mother and son. When the Emperor left for General Headquarters in 1915, Alexei Nicolaevitch felt he was, as he once said to me, "the man in the house," and it was delighful to see the grown-up way in which he would look after the Empress when they went to church or to some function together. He would help her to rise, or would unobtrusively push a chair towards her, as the Emperor might have done.

‘August 1916, Alexei was staying at the Stavka at Mogilev. Sir John Hanbury-Williams, who was attached to the Stavka, lost his son on the western front that summer. He was touched to receive a visit from Alexei, who slipped into his room one evening, quietly and unannonced, saying that his father thought it better for the General not to be alone.’

John Hanbury-Williams, 10th July 1916 | The Tsarevitch is here and in great spirits. He dragged some of us off after lunch in the tent to a round fountain in the garden which has porpoise heads all round it, with two holes in each to represent the eyes. The game was to plug up these holes with one's fingers, then turn on the fountain full split and suddenly let go. The result was that I nearly drowned the Emperor and his son, and they returned the compliment, and we all had to go back and change, laughing till we nearly cried, a childish amusement no doubt, but which did one good all the same.

Nicholas II to Alexandra, 1916 | I am writing...having come in from the garden with wet sleeves and boots as Alexei has sprayed us at the fountain. It is his favorite game... peals of laughter ring out. I keep an eye in order to see that things do not go to far.

John Hanbury-Williams | As time went on and his first shyness wore off, he treated us as old friends, and as he passed each of us to bid us good-day hadl always some little bit of fun with us. With me it was to make sure tht each button on my coat was properly fastened, a habit which naturally made me take great care to have one or two unbuttoned, in which case he used at once to stop and tell me I was 'untidy again', give a sigh at my lack of attention to these details, and stop carefully button me all up again.

Nicholas II to Alexandra, 1915 Mogilev | We slept well with the window open... Thank god he looks so well and has become sunburnt... He wakes up early in the morning between 7 and 8, sits up in bed and begins to talk quietly to me. I answer drowsily, he settles down and lies quietly until I am called

Sources : Nicholas and Alexandra by Robert K. Massie, Born to Rule by Julia P. Gelardi, The Real Tsaritsa by Lili Dehn, The life and tragedy of Alexandra Feodorovna by Sophie Buxhoeveden, Romanov Autumn by Charlotte Zepvaat, The Emperor Nicholas II, as I knew him by John Hanbury-Williams, A Lifelong Passion by Sergei Mironenko and Andrei Maylunas.

[hunxi-guilai]

hi hunxi! there's a thought that keeps bugging me. During the battle at nightless city we can see that wwx doesn't kill yl and jc is clearly there and sees it as well. It may have been all the loss he went through & all the suffering he had to face, but why would he refuse to accept that and blame wwx anyways? Is it because in his mind that would hurt less?(i can't see how that would hurt him less tho) i admit i don't like jc much but i dont get why would he treat wwx so badly when he returns

hi anon! So I think it’s a little more complicated than simply “blaming Wei Wuxian for Jiang Yanli’s death,” because it’s the slow accumulation of a multitude of smaller events that have snowballed into the respective terrible mental states that both Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng are in by the second siege of Nightless City

Jiang Cheng’s eternal frustration with Wei Wuxian emerges from the same question, every time -- why can’t you stop. It’s fun and cutesy during Cloud Recesses summer school, when Jiang Cheng is just constantly rolling his eyes at Wei Wuxian’s oblivious crush on Lan Wangji and being like dude, why can’t you stop riling up the Lans you’re making Yunmeng Jiang look bad but it’s all small-scale stuff, nothing that can’t be smoothed over with a brotherly arm over the shoulder and some mutual teasing

This comes back in an uglier light when we get to the evil counterpart of Cloud Recesses summer school, i.e. Wen indoctrination and the Xuanwu Cave Arc. Here, we see the same issue crop up when Wei Wuxian goes to help a visibly limping Lan Wangji. Jiang Cheng, ever defensive, ever conservative, begs Wei Wuxian to stop sticking his neck out to help other people. They’re not even sure they can protect themselves, because the Wens are making more and more outrageous demands by the second, so Jiang Cheng grabs Wei Wuxian by the elbow in a sunlit clearing, trying to hold him back, and thinks why can’t you stop, don’t you understand that things are different now, don’t you understand that now, your disobedience has real, dangerous consequences that will be visited on both of our heads.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when it comes to speed, no one can match Wei Wuxian for how swiftly he’ll light himself on fire to save someone else. It’s why we call him a hero; it’s also why his life (the first one, at least) is a tragedy.

And to be someone who loves him -- Jiang Cheng, Jiang Yanli, Lan Wangji -- and have to watch him as he strikes that match to the kindling of his life again and again and again -- it’s terrifying. It’s devastating. It’s incredibly frustrating, because sometimes you just want to grab him by the shoulders and yell at him until he realizes that he’s loved, he’s valued, that he’s worth more to the world sunlit and laughing and alive than he is tragic and doomed and sacrificed.

Right after the fall of Lotus Pier in episode 16, Jiang Cheng screams at Wei Wuxian, wraps his hands around his throat, knocks them both over in an unnamed meadow during the darkest night of their lives (so far. yikes). Tell me why! Jiang Cheng yells at Wei Wuxian, slamming him to the ground. Why did you save them? Are you happy? How many times did I tell you not to play the hero? You should have just let Lan Wangji and Jin Zixuan die! What would their deaths have to do with us? You could have just let them die! Why did you stick your neck out for them?

凭什么！Why! Jiang Cheng screams -- the same words he’ll cry and scream and rage at Wei Wuxian with in a haunted temple, almost two decades later.

Why can’t you stop? Jiang Cheng asks, time and time again -- why can’t Wei Wuxian stop antagonizing Lan Wangji, why can’t Wei Wuxian stop sticking his neck out for other people, why can’t Wei Wuxian just keep his head down and stay safe, why does he have to keep doing things that make the people who love him so, so afraid for him as well?

Why can’t Wei Wuxian put down that goddamned flute and pick up Suibian again? Why must Wei Wuxian insist on being so special, so different? Why must Wei Wuxian stick his neck out again, after the war no less, for a bunch of people they don’t even know well? Why can’t Wei Wuxian stop? Why can’t Wei Wuxian just stay safe?

Jiang Cheng tries, tries to get Wei Wuxian to come back to him, to come back with him, so he can finally protect this foolish brave ridiculous wonderful infuriating generous brother who he loves ferociously. He visits Wei Wuxian in the Burial Mounds; he brings Jiang Yanli to him before her wedding. Jiang Cheng does everything short of telling Wei Wuxian that he needs him, which also means that Wei Wuxian -- filled and overfilled with his own self-perceived guilt for the disasters visited on the Jiang Sect -- doesn’t understand that Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to come back, burden or no. Wei Wuxian thinks he’s doing Jiang Cheng a favor; Jiang Cheng thinks that Wei Wuxian is rejecting him. Jiang Cheng can’t understand why Wei Wuxian won’t listen to reason for his own good, Wei Wuxian doesn’t consider his own good to be that all that important.

so when it comes to the actual worst night of their lives in Nightless City, when both of them are equally powerless in protecting Jiang Yanli from the sword to her back, the sword to her heart, it’s painfully easy for me to see why Jiang Cheng fucking snaps and shoves Wei Wuxian away. How many times did he tell Wei Wuxian to stop being the hero, to stop standing up for other people, to stop sticking his neck out for others when Wei Wuxian can’t even protect himself or the ones he loves? How many times did he beg Wei Wuxian to do less, to pick fewer battles, to narrow the focus of his vast reservoirs of empathy down to the people closest to him, the people who needed him most? How many times did Wei Wuxian refuse to listen, did Wei Wuxian insist that he had it all under control?

Why is it that Jiang Cheng has to pay for Wei Wuxian’s noble sacrifices?

(because every time, Jiang Cheng feels like he does -- he’s the one who’s always there to 收尸 pick up after Wei Wuxian, the one who has to smooth things over with the other sect leaders, the one who has to go on alone. Jiang Cheng keeps being left behind by those he loves and he’s so fucking sick of it)

all of which is a very long, roundabout way of saying: Jiang Cheng knows that Wei Wuxian was not the person who plunged the sword into Jiang Yanli’s heart. But all the factors that led to this convergence of events -- the whole confrontation at Nightless City, the fact that Wei Wuxian just killed the brother of the man who stabbed Jiang Yanli, the fact that Jiang Yanli died because she was protecting Wei Wuxian -- everything about the situation around them revolves unerringly around the gravity point of Wei Wuxian.

It’s not Wei Wuxian’s fault that the sects have selected him as scapegoat, as sacrificial lamb, on this night of all nights. It’s not Wei Wuxian’s fault that Jiang Yanli ran into the middle of a melee to look for him. It’s not Wei Wuxian’s fault that a sword found its way to Jiang Yanli’s heart.

But if Wei Wuxian hadn’t tried to protect the Wen refugees; if Wei Wuxian had just behaved like a normal cultivator instead of riling up the other sects with his uncanny new cultivation techniques; if Wei Wuxian could have just kept his mouth shut for once; if Wei Wuxian hadn’t stuck his neck out for Lan Wangji all those years ago...

It’s years of frustration finally breaking the dam for Jiang Cheng, because he told him, he told Wei Wuxian so many times, and now look what’s happened

They’ve both lost the best person in their lives, and everything around them screams Wei Wuxian’s name.