#fun fact this is one of the only scenes without any footnotes (unless i stumble upon a poem that fits so well in the meantime of course)

[neixins]

since i'll be posting my massive gijaeha fic, cut to the feeling, later than i'd hoped, i've decided to share the full first scene as a lil sneak peek <3 in case u haven't heard me yap about it already, it's a canon-compliant missing scenes compilation, and the first scene is set after the events of ch 41

(it's also currently in all lowercase bc i subscribe to the shirley jackson school of writing drafts in all lowercase but the final version will be properly capitalized i prommy)

the night is calm, if uncharacteristically cold for the season, and gija is struggling to stay awake.

the fire has burned down to the embers, and the ceaseless trill of nightjars from a nearby thicket, occasionally accentuated by the hoot of an owl, is lulling him to sleep. he slaps himself awake; just because they set up camp in a secluded area far enough from any roads to avoid run-ins with either soldiers or bandits doesn’t mean he can let his guard down. after his disgraceful behavior the previous night, he must prove that he’s still dependable, still worthy of the white dragon’s title and of his place by her highness’ side. even if her highness had been magnanimous enough not to hold it against him, the recollection makes his stomach lurch.

that he hadn’t meant to drink the abominable love potion in the first place, that he’d fought its effects and passed out before anything could happen hardly matters. he could feel his admiration for her highness getting twisted into something gnarled and wrong, a warped reflection of itself, and it frightened him.

what had granny been thinking, concocting and selling something so awful? the elder chief developed that for you, the merchant they’d met had said, all smiles. she’s concerned because you aren’t married yet. it had been intended for him. he’d been meant to drink it. had nobody considered how dangerous the whole scheme could be for her highness? had nobody considered that he didn’t want to marry?

he takes a few breaths to settle down, and focuses on a nightjar resting between the roots of a nearby tree, determined to think about nothing except the intricate pattern of the bird’s feathers, the various shades of gray providing ideal camouflage.

his mind, lightheaded with fatigue, has other ideas, though, and it inevitably wanders to the memory of jaeha’s lips on his neck, his warm breath igniting something within gija that he’s never felt before, his confident hands pinning him beneath his weight, his voice low and sultry; your existence is stirring up my heart.

he rests a hand on the side of his neck, hoping to keep the memory there, safe from the cold breeze.

he doesn’t realize he’s drifting off again until jaeha places a hand on his shoulder, startling him awake. “go get some sleep, gija,” he says. “i’ll take over here.”

gija shakes his head. “i’m fine.”

jaeha settles down beside him regardless. “you look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“i’m not tired.” the words come out sharper than he’d intended, so he adds, “what are you doing up?”

“couldn’t sleep. these little critters are quite loud,” jaeha says, waving a hand languidly to encompass the unseen chorus of nightjars. there’s a restlessness to him that makes gija suspect he isn’t telling the whole truth. he’s been like that all day, glancing in gija’s direction whenever he thought he wasn’t paying attention, worrying at his bottom lip, drumming his fingers. it isn’t as apparent now, but gija can still sense it in the air between them.

“really? i like them. there’s one over there.” he indicates the nightjar at the foot of the tree.

it takes jaeha a moment to spot it. when he does, he remarks about it being cute before falling silent. then, he looks back at gija. “sorry,” he says. “i might’ve gotten carried away with the love potion. i didn’t think you’d take it so seriously.”

“how could i not take it seriously? my behavior towards her highness was unacceptable!”

jaeha stares at him before pinching the bridge of his nose with a sigh. “that’s not what i’m trying to apologize for, gija. that part was hardly my fault anyway.”

“then what are you apologizing for?”

“for kissing you. or whatever.” he looks towards the embers, scowling. “i shouldn’t have done that without asking.”

“oh…” none of the women in his village had ever asked if they could kiss him either, and they hadn’t been under the influence of a dreadful drug, but he suspects that saying that right now wouldn’t make jaeha feel better about the whole matter. “i’m not upset about that,” he says instead.

jaeha turns to look at him again. “you seemed ready to tear me to shreds yesterday.”

“i was…overwhelmed. i-i liked it,” gija admits. beneath the initial surprise and embarrassment he’d felt, there had been an exhilarating feeling like plunging into pleasantly cool lake water before sunrise, while everyone is still asleep. “i just wish you hadn’t taken the love potion.”

the silence stretches out, and jaeha leans back. “right,” he finally drawls, almost like a question.

“if you hadn’t been under the influence, i wouldn’t have pushed you away,” gija adds in an attempt to explain.

jaeha stares at him. “…what?”

“what?”

in the quiet that follows, gija finally realizes what he just said, and more importantly, that it’s true. his face feels hot all of a sudden, and he buries it in his hands. “forget i said anything!”

a beat, and jaeha laughs. gija steals a glance at him; he’s covering his mouth with his hand in an attempt to stifle the laughter so as not to wake anyone, and when he meets gija’s gaze, violet-blue eyes glimmering with mirth and the light of the embers, gija forgets both the embarrassment that seemed ready to swallow him whole moments before, and how to breathe.

“there’s no shame in being wiled by my irresistible charms, gija darling,” he says with a wink and a flip of his long hair, let loose from its ribbon this late at night. gija wonders if his hair feels as silky as it looks. perhaps jaeha would let him reach out and run his fingers through it.

remembering how to speak, gija says, “don’t tease me.”

“oh, but it’s so fun.”

“and i’m not ashamed,” gija adds. if anything, he’s fairly certain what he’s feeling is the opposite of shame, though he’s not quite clear on what to call it.

“good.” jaeha’s voice sounds so soft, and gija wants him to keep talking, wants to be closer to him. however, the fatigue is casting its impenetrable fog over his thoughts, making it difficult to continue speaking.

“gija,” jaeha calls his name in that same tone. “you should go to sleep. i can handle things here.”

he shakes his head.

“what, am i untrustworthy after all?” he clearly intended it as a joke, but there’s a hint of a quiver in his voice. for all his guardedness, he still wants to belong; gija had realized as much the moment he saw the awestruck expression on his face during their conversation back in awa.

“i trust you!” he blurts out, desperate to salvage this new fragile bond building between them. “i just— i want to be useful.”

“and passing out from exhaustion plays into that how exactly?”

the words sting despite the lightness of his tone, but jaeha wouldn’t have said them if he wasn’t worried, so gija announces, “i’ll sleep here, then,” before shifting closer and resting his head on jaeha’s shoulder. he can hear jaeha murmur something in response but he’s too tired to catch it.