#fun fact i almost didn't get my days off to go to download

[lazylittledragon]

nothing brings me more joy than my manager asking me if i can come in on a day that i wasn't rota'd, saying "no <3" and then turning my phone off

[calicowithwings]

Hello, I know nobody is gonna really see this, but today marks two years since I met someone extremely important to me. And if she somehow sees this, I don't think she'll know it's about her actually. I think it's a good idea to at least write down this short story length yap session.

So, it's June 28th, 2022. I'm at my dad's house, on Picnic, which I had just downloaded. If you don't know what that is, it's basically just a tiktok knockoff with a bunch of gacha kids (/pos). I'm just scrolling, when I see a video. It's just someone's oc, and they're saying they're new here.

I decided to DM her, I said, "hey, I'm new here. I'm trying to make some friends." I copy and pasted this to a good 3 other people, she's the only one who responded though.

We had a nice conversation for a while, I found out her name was Ash, she lives 8000 miles away from me (in South Africa), and her favorite colors were neon green and black.

We talked for a while, and my mentally ill ass almost immediately caught feelings. So, after a good month or so of knowing her, I genuinely said, "I lowkey wanna date you-" (yes ik it's stupid, leave me alone I was young and extremely dumb 😭)

She was in a (somewhat abusive, now that I think about it 😰) relationship at the time though, so we didn't date. We did kinda flirt a bit though, playfully.

About a week after I said that monstrosity of a sentence, I went on vacation to a different state. This is kinda irrelevant, all you rly need to know is that I moved immediately after I came back

So, she was my only friend while I was in this new place, too far into summer break to meet people, so we just talk. Constantly.

At some point, I'm not really sure when, we start actually dating. Not exactly clear when, it was more of a, "are we together" "sure man" type thing.

Also, we made this gc with some of our friends, Kay, Alex, Elliot, Liam, and Pip are the main ones, in case I mention them later on

Anyways, school started, and we talked as much as we could, which wasn't too often, considering the 8 hour time zone different.

But we still talked as much as we could, and the group chat was going strong. It was a nice group of friends.

So, Ash always listened to my ramblings about my hyperfixations, as confused as she always was, but she never could remember them fully. She's always had kinda bad memory issues.

At some point, around late December 2022 or Early January 2023, we moved to WhatsApp because Picnic had a stupid update that ruined like, everything.

We continued to talk on WhatsApp for a while, before one day we got into an argument about neopronouns. Dear god, I wish we didn't have that fight. Basically, she didn't rly understand nor support them, and I was kinda upset about it.

We started talking a lot less, like.. from all day every day, to sometimes maybe once a day.

And, as ironic as it was, one day as I was leaving school, genuinely thinking, "I'm so glad I have a girlfriend to talk to as soon as I get off of school every day."

Yeah, she had sent a breakup text while I was at school.

She wanted to focus on herself more, which I totally get. We tried to stay friends, but we just kept talking less and less, until one dreadful day.

She messaged me, about a life update. Apparently she was now more focused on her religion (Christianity) and couldn't support lgbt anymore, which, for the fact, she sent a quote that literally went against what she was saying???

Anyways, this obviously turned me off of her a bit. We talked even less, until one day in July of 2023, when I messaged her, saying I wanted to cut contact for the time being. I needed to get myself together.

Anyways, for the main thing that fucked with me in this entire thing

One day, in September 2023, I reached out to her. Here, you can just read the texts.

So uh, yeah. She doesn't remember me. How fun, right?

It wasn't even romantic at this point, this person that I cared most about and though about constantly while we didn't talk, doesn't remember me. She forgot. I knew I should've been worried about those fucking memory problems, honestly.

Anyways, that's basically it. I should probably get some sleep now, it's almost 3am as I'm writing this 💔

Goodbye now 👍

ALSO PLEASE IGNORE THE ANNOYING REPETITION 💔

[flubbythefoolish]

Hot Take Review: Party Parrot World

tl:dr - its coot, i like it

So what even IS Party Parrot World?

Basically, Party Parrot World (PPW) is the spiritual successor to Club Penguin. PPW is essentially an interactive chatroom with different locations, games, and customizable avatars. Honestly, the timing couldn't be better with the recent demise of everyone's favorite Club Penguin fan remake, and PPW is in early beta and I got the opportunity to play it so I wanted to write about it yada yada etc etc

So what did I like about it?

One of my favorite things about PPW is the music. The choice of music is limited, at least right now in beta, but.. like. Just listen.

The quality of the music is, honestly, shocking. This is some Nintendo-level music. And the fact that there are several different versions to match the different vibes of different locations on the map? Bootiful.

Speaking of the map, another great aspect of the game is the different places you can go; many locations are direct callbacks to Club Penguin, such as the snowy mountain top or iceberg, and other areas are more specific to the tropical theme, like the treehouses and plant nursery.

They already have a lot of outfits to choose from, so characters are very customizable even within the beta. And the games and npc's are very cute and, at times, educational? Which I think is a nice touch:

For example, here is Chez Sandi who teaches you math.

Generally speaking, the game managed to keep a lot of the fun, quirky, bird-themed goodness that we enjoyed in Club Penguin.

Okay, so what didn't you like about it?

Well, let's get the obvious out of the way: it don't always work.

Obviously, this is a beta so bear that in mind as I tear them a new one, but. When I play a game, I want it to work.

And several minigames, or components of those games, just didn't work.

Also, every room appeared to be a prison from which there was no escape (aside from using the map to teleport lol). Walk up to a door from the outside, and you get in with no problem (aside from the loading screen for every room). But once inside, you realize that the doorknob has snapped off.

The last thing I want to talk about is that the game is... well. It's 3D.

The 3D nature of the game isn't, inherently, problematic. And I'm sure some people enjoy it. And it has lots of design benefits. But at the end of the day, lots of 3D models and games end up looking.. generic. Club Penguin had a very distinct graphical style, and one that was easy for kids to emulate, which I think contributed heavily to overall community engagement. And it prevented the current jarring effect that occurs every time you play a minigame and switch from 3D to 2D when going between overworld and minigame environments.

I also think that, while 3D has a lot of benefits from a game development perspective, it has several drawbacks from a player perspective. The biggest one is the computational power required to play a game like this.

Currently, there are 2 ways to play the game: on your desktop and on your phone. And if you have a good phone or desktop there is no problem (I'm running the game on my desktop and getting 999 fps).

But one of the iconic things about Club Penguin, and a lot of the popular games from the early 2000s, was how accessible it was to the public. Sure, games like Club Penguin, Runescape, or AdventureQuest had kinda potato graphics but that meant they could run in the browser. And while running a game in the browser is a bit of a nightmare from a development standpoint, especially in regard to optimization, it is a player's dream. Because then, not only can anyone play on (almost) any computer that can access the internet, but they don't even have to download it (downloadable "viruses" are a great way to get your younger players yelled at by their parents, especially in families with only 1 computer).

Only time will tell whether or not this will truly be an issue, but often the poorest members of our communities are the ones not heard when they are excluded. And in a world that has been systematically eliminating free public spaces in real life, I'm saddened every time I see a new, exciting online space have a built-in poverty filter (*coughcough* metaverse *cough*).

[arockinthesand]

The end of summer..

At the start of this summer, I didn't expect much to happen. Get a job, relax before college started up again, hang out with old friends and make some new ones. Maybe have some fun, download one of those swiping apps to meet new people, it'll be just for the summer.. At least that's what I thought. The spring semester ended off rough for me, I feel as though I lost all my friends. That the whole year of building up friendships and structure at this college I was so excited to go to, just collapsed all because of one stupid night. In a way it was my fault, but also something completely out of my control. It ruined everything.. Last year I was so excited at this point to be heading off. Moving out and going into the dorms. I was excited to meet my roommate and be in a new area, experience life of being at college and living away from home. Never did I expect to be sat a year later dreading that same fate. Now I'm sat here, dreading having to get in that car to drive away... I made so many new friends this summer. I met people at work, who, most of them I do enjoy getting to be around. Those few, I know for a fact I'll be missing. Then there's him. Having met through a dating app, first intentions were mainly for nothing but a pleasurable experience. Acting all sweet, flirting, excited to meet up. The memory of our first time meeting up is well in my mind. We sat on a bench and chatted for over an hour. I got off work shortly before we met, I was still in my work pants, the shirt I changed out of. It may have been cold, but the way I was nervous made me only more colder...

I didn't expect that after that night, it would lead to where I am now. We met up multiple times this summer, each time getting more comfortable with each other. It progressed from chatting to playing cards and that becoming our thing. Each time I felt myself fall deeper and deeper. Becoming more comfortable and enamored. Turns out he actually felt the same way. There was a sliver of a chance that things could have progressed, that we could have gotten more serious. Even the day I asked if we could, he was so respectful. I was so happy for those few days... Until it was mentioned that I had to go back to college.. that's 6 hours away. Feelings didn't change. But it would be best if we stayed friends. I keep telling myself that maybe in the future more can happen. That maybe when I come back... I don't want to give myself false hope, but I also really don't want to lose him. It's not that I have lost him.. But there's the potential I will. We still met up all we could, sure it was only once a week, but I still got to see him. Those moments were the best. We bonded, have our inside jokes, and have memories together. It's odd knowing I've only known him 2 months, but feel so comfortable with him; almost as though I've known him longer. I know how typical it is to say that, but the environment he created has become so comfortable. I didn't think I could feel so strongly about a person again.

It's bizarre to me how well he treats me. Common and decent respect, but it's done in a way so genuinely. I feel so assured by him. Though it's just basic needs, when that's not something I've ever gotten much of, finding someone who does it perfect to my needs is nice. I can tell he's being genuine, that he wants to sit there and hold me as I cry. That when he says these things to me, he means it. He wants to be there for me and help me. He wants to spend time with me and be silly together. I fear this will all be lost once I leave. We won't stop texting, but it'll break the bond. The decision of not doing a long distance relationship was because the struggles that come with it. That physical touch was too important. Having those moments in person together was a need, and I understand that. I accept and am okay with it. I have been from the start. It just hurts. Hurts knowing that him and I could have had something. Something I've always wanted.. and seemingly he did too. I just wish I could have been his person....

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Spent my work commutes today going back and forth between Danielle Ward's 2007 musical Psister Psycho, and the RRR Graveyard radio episode with Daniel Kitson and Steve Hall from October 2007. Obviously did not plan it that way, to have two things vaguely related to each other, that just happened to be the two things I ran into this week. I started this blog, four years ago (almost exactly, actually, four years and about a week), because I wanted to share thoughts about quite popular panel shows. Then I got increasingly obscure and now sometimes I just spend a day going between an ex-couple from 2007 who both definitely did not mean for those bits of their work to last so long. Sometimes life goes that way.

Anyway, I'm making this post because I got to one bit of the radio episode and excitedly went - oh I've seen that! I know the thing they're referencing!

I usually only post the same one or two videos, when I do my posts about the old CMG-era Late 'n' Live clips that I'm mildly obsessed with, but there are actually a bunch more of them, so there's a fun excuse to post a different one.

This will be familiar to anyone who's watched a lot of The Last Leg, as every once in a while Adam Hills will self-deprecatingly admit to a bit of stand-up he used to do in which he'd pretend to be a terminator and leave his leg behind while walking like the robot falling apart. He generally references it to laugh at himself for how bad this bit of comedy was. I was delighted when I first found this video a couple of years ago, and got to actually see the bit he was talking about. And based on seeing it... I mean, I've seen better comedy, but I've definitely also seen worse comedy than that. As far as humour you can do with a prosthetic leg goes, that's not bad. Adam Hills doesn't mention on The Last Leg the part where a Perrier winner runs in and steals it and it turns into a nature documentary, though. Pretty sure that didn't happen every time.

That actually made me realize that I think part of the appeal of Steve Hall in those old Kitson radio episodes is similar to what Nish Kumar sometimes does on The Bugle. It's fun when Andy Zaltzman starts being really classic Zaltzman, or will re-approriate some of his old material, will say something reminiscent of earlier in his career, and if Nish Kumar's not there, probably no one will point that out. But Nish will always stop to make whatever reference is available, to whatever bit of Andy Zaltzman's career can be referenced, as he knows the long-time fans will be thinking it. And Nish, as a long-time fan himself, can always catch those.

Steve Hall does a sort of amusingly scaled-down version of that in those Kitson things, scaled down because they're not playing to a large body of fans whom they expect to get the references, so he's pretty much just doing it to amuse himself and Kitson. In fact, Kitson once told him off for doing a joke that you can only get if you know the titles of every show Daniel Kitson had ever done (until 2007), to an audience of a Melbourne community radio station at 3 AM. Steve is also the only guest on those radio shows whom I've heard reference things that happened in previous episodes of those shows that he wasn't on, which means either he was either staying up all night listening to them during a festival where he was performing, or he was downloading the recordings online. Either way, that is the level of being a fucking nerd that it takes to be able to act as an audience stand-in. (Or I guess someone could have just told him what happened, which is what I assumed until one time when his reference to the previous show was to complain about the guest talking over Kitson, and accusation with which Kitson himself disagreed, so Steve Hall could only have formed that opinion by actually hearing it. I also found that an hilariously petty thing to complain about. I so enjoy listening to Steve Hall be pointlessly mean about stuff in the middle of the night 17 years ago.)

Anyway, that episode also reminded me of this, and I am about 96% kidding when I say I am considering turning this audio clip into the alarm that wakes me up for work in the morning:

I love the escapism of a radio show from 2007. Steve Hall at one point asked him which he'd prefer, if he absolutely had to use one of the two social media platforms in the world - Facebook or MySpace? Kitson at one point explained: "Scrabulous is online Scrabble, and Facebook is online defeat for the human soul." And called Gavin Osborn a dick for using MySpace. What a simpler time, when that seemed like a real problem.

[freeuselandonorris]

https://www.tumblr.com/freeuselandonorris/753285320712339456/httpswwwtumblrcomfreeuselandonorris753112932?source=share

hi its gaming anon!! i got busy with life things and im realizing its almost been a month oopsies. im trying to get copies of all 3 books so i can reread neuromancer before the others bc i definitely missed some details listening to the audiobook. i'm gonna end up ordering them online because i can't find any in any book stores near me. here are my scattered thoughts after a few weeks of processing.

molly’s entire storyline is crazy. the sex work to pay for her cyberware, the blackmarket torture stuff and her dreams. waking up and killing the senator. her boyfriend johnny and everything with him. oh my GOD. then fucking riviera digging all of that up?? actually insane. the ending scene where molly, hideo, 3jane, and riviera are all in 3janes room. the allegiances slowly shifting with 3jane becoming annoyed/disinterested with riviera and becoming attached to molly. 3jane taking care of molly’s leg and eye. molly poisoning riviera is so sexy. so is hideo losing his eyesight but being trained to shoot blindfolded or in the dark. i loved that.

i was slightly disappointed with the ending but i don’t really know what i was expecting so i don’t know why i was disappointed. it was a good ending, everything was wrapped up. i think it’s because i want more molly. the fact that it says he never sees her again was so much. i literally cannot stop thinking ab it, it’s good it know she’s in another book! also can't stop thinking about neuromancer creating a copy of linda in the matrix, and how at the end case sees himself there, so neuromancer made a copy of him too??? what the Fuck. real confused about that.

despite not getting the books yet, i did upgrade my gpu and got a new mechanical keyboard and mouse. all my temps are way lower and stay low running high graphics, and the keyboard and mouse have pretty lights that i can program however i want, so that's very fun. i'm playing elden ring so once i finish it and the dlc that just came out, i'm reinstalling cyberpunk and playing that!! i downloaded it after i installed the gpu just to check temps and graphics settings and it ran great so im really excited to actually play it.

i hadn't heard of disco elysium before now but i watched a youtube video about it and it looks cool!! i played the bioshock games when they came out on the ps3 and just bought them on pc during one of the last steam sales so they're now on my list of games to play too. i also bought the stanley parable last week, if you haven't tried it i totally recommend it. it's the most fun i've had in a long time. it reminds me of portal while also being very different.

before i go, i offer my thoughts on your cyberpunk au. i love the anon that mentioned the screws in his jaw, been thinking about that for days and it made me think about other freaky sex stuff lando would want to do with the tech. i feel like he would want to install sex softs and have oscar fuck him, maybe have oscar pick them out without knowing what they are so it’s a surprise for him. also you mentioned lando being a codriver and i’m thinking about some kind of phone sex through a simstim, like lando suggesting they use one because if he can see and feel what oscar does in the car, he’ll be able to give better him feedback on how to improve but as soon as they’re connected through the simstim lando’s telling oscar if he jerked off then lando would feel everything too and oscar realizes it was never actually about improving lap times or his racing line.

hiii anon! omg i delayed replying to this for a little bit bc i just FINALLY finished playing through all of phantom liberty! i think you said you hadn't played it yet right? so i will keep my thoughts spoiler-free but i rly enjoyed it, it was more lowkey than the main storyline and the ending didn't pack the same emotional heft for me but it works really well alongside the main story for me (johnny is involved way more than i thought which i loved!) and there are some incredibly cool and memorable moments. also something that really struck me as i was playing was how fuckin LAWLESS dogtown feels! it has a completely different vibe from the rest of night city, i found myself running through the streets a lot bc you just don't know when you're gonna be attacked or whatever. the way they've made all the different districts so distinct and real is endlessly cool to me. i'm gonna replay the main ending now and go for the sun ending!!

YEP i 100% agree on neuromancer. the one thing i hate about it is how abruptly molly's storyline just...disappears. like, idk if gibson was trying to avoid the natural choice of having them end up living happily ever after together, which i respect, but don't just have her disappear like that! but yeah the whole molly/riviera dynamic is...so damaged and sexy to me oh my god. the bit where they're in the straylight run and he's throwing up all the pornographic/snuff holograms in the hallways... insane to me!!!

cyberpunk AU... okay PLEASE can i steal the idea of lando having oscar pick out the sex softs/BDs without him knowing because that has sent me wild 😵‍💫 and YES there will absolutely be some sort of simstim-style fucking, also kinda influenced by the bit in cyberpunk where panam and v jack off next to each other in the car and can feel each other through the neural link? horny as fuck. i've been dying to write more of it this week but covid brain has me unable to form coherent sentences so i'm just like, building it all up in my head.

i have not heard of the stanley parable! i will check it out tyyyy. i've been playing SO much stardew recently. i'm into autumn of year 2 now and i feel like i've properly got the hang of it, i can't remember if it was you who gave me the tip about the wiki but if it was, my GOD thank you. changed my life.

ps what keeb did you get!! i spend way too much time watching the asmr videos on tiktok lmao. i got an aula F75 recently and the sound is justttttttt delicious.

[greydiminishing]

Jan 20, 2024

Since my last writing about two and a half weeks ago, I've packed up, moved 6 hours away to school, unpacked and moved in, and had a whole week of classes! Well almost whole, it was a 4 day week.

I am doing,, just okay. I am so excited to be back on campus and in school. But I feel super behind since I've failed so many classes previously, and took basically 3 semesters off. I'm essentially a 22 year old 3rd year. I've been a student in this school for five years. I was supposed to graduate this year, but I have two more years left, at minimum. Some of the kids I have classes with were highschool freshmen when I was a college freshman. I feel self consious and ashamed about that.

I also feel like i'm already behind in some classes after only two actual class sessions (tues/thurs and wed/fri classes). I didnt get as much studying done as I would've liked in those five weeks that i time blocked (But getting into time blocking was definitely worth it, thats helping me so much).

I haven't had to do any actual math in TWO YEARS. I celebrated taking the "last math class of my life", completely forgetting that I need to take a calc-based physics class. Now im struggling in class to find the sides of a triangle with sohcahtoa 😭 If i don't glue my eyeballs to khan academy i'm gonna be a wreck trying to integrate and find derivatives.

And one class has an "Assignment 0" which is just downloading and setting up all the software we're gonna be using, and just trying to clone my gitlab repository took me several hours to figure out.

All the deadlines and assignments and quizzes and project dates has my head spinning. One class requires you to upload your notes to the lecture video before every single class (m/w/f class, so 3 times a week), and its something like 10% of your final grade. Idk i just think thats stupid lol. And I can't help but write notes differently when i'm concious of the fact that someone else will be reading them :/

But I will be studying hard, and getting stuff done early as to not fall behind.

That was academics, now onto my roommates.

I was placed in a random campus apartment with 3 other roommates. We each have our own room, but share the living room and kitchen. They're nice and i want to be their friend so bad, but I'm so socially awkward and i don't know how to make friends 😭. The thing is, I'm coming into "their" apartment mid-academic year, and thats only because their other friend moved out for an internship or something, so I got put in the vacant room. They're already a little friendgroup, the three of them plus the friend that moved out which they're still in group chats with. They might've even know each other before living here, they seem pretty close.

They're not intentionally excluding me or anything, but everytime i'm chatting with them it feels so awkward, and when I go back to my room and I can hear their fun conversations finally ignite. They talk about their mutual friends, and their parents, and plans to roadtrip. Then I go back out to fill my water bottle or make tea or something, mostly an excuse to join their conversation, and the conversation goes back to quiet and polite. I know I act the same way around new people as well, so its not their fault, but I dont know what to do, how to get around this. I heard them from my room talking about anime, and I so badly wanted to join them, but I didn't know how to do so naturally without creeping them out like I was eavesdropping their convo the whole time. You can only go fill your waterbottle so many times.

Its already the end of week 1 and i've barely talked to them. I'm afraid if we don't get more friendly soon, as time progresses, we'll get more stuck in the same routine and we'll only be able to be awkward and quiet around each other for the rest of the semester. I want to suggest we order some food tonight and maybe watch a movie, but idk is that weird? To suggest out of nowhere and not really knowing them? And theres no TV so we'd have to watch on someones laptop. Aughhhh idk. Plus I really need to get started on all this work i already have. Maybe i'll suggest it next weekend.

I'm already planning on making cookies for everyone tomorrow. A freshly baked cookie is the way to friendship, surely?

[soulfulscriptor]

1 month update

It has roughly been a month since I decided to do online side gig and turn them into a functional, profitable business. So the plan has always been to go into business for myself, but I needed Accounting and Finance degrees plus certifications and work experience/networking.

Well you can see that hasn't happened yet. Granted I've been in the, I need to be financially free mindset for about 7 years now. And I had vision blinders on to the point I was blind to all the options out there in the world. I could have been a multimilionair if A. I continued making AMV's and stuff that I was making for fun in highschool and freshman year of college.

So that was right around when YouTube went live. I was in highschool 2004-2009, so you can imagine if I kept on being creative over the last 2 decades, what sort of money that would have brought in. Granted I didn't know until probably 2015, that one could make money off YouTube. Those video's are still live, and some have thousands of views for low quality stuff where I just got pictures off the internet and made a video, sometime putting hours of work into them, until I liked them.

And if I didn't get bored easily of gaming, my gaming channel could have been monitized 7 years ago. Granted no personal computer, so only being able to record on a PS4 at the time, and no way to edit stuff, made me just stop playing all together. Though there will always be potential for the channel to start having videos posted to it again.

But honestly, I thought the markets for everything had been tapped out. I personally don't think I can solve problems, or at least see a problem that needs a new or better solution to what's out there. To myself I'm not creative, as I have a hard time articulating what I'm trying to do, and sometimes it could take months or years for me to finally say or ask what I'm trying to do.

YouTube has away of giving me what I need before I know I need it. And it's been doing that since 2019/2020, though I wish it could have prevented my financial crisis I had that year.

So enough back story.

So 1 month into giving it my to create a better life for my kids. I've had $0 profit. My etsy shops need to be gone through for a 3rd time, and SEO optimized again. I'm struggling with titling things and descriptions and tags. And so far no amount of YouTube video's are helpful besides telling me, you need to figure this sh*t out.

My YouTube channels are Ok. My Ambience Channel is being neglected a bit, but at the same time, like Etsy, I'm struggling with SEO creative optimization to make people want to click the videos, and I don't have the ability to get the software to make the video's longer than 30 minutes at the moment.

And for me, as I've been utilizing Frequencies, Ambient noises, and such for almost 4 years now (YouTube suggested to me, when I was struggling with being able to sleep), it's something I not only want to do for myself and kids, but I want to give to others. But that channel ain't going too great right now.

My Fact channel, the one you see some blogs about, is going decent. I'm hoping I can monetize it before the school year starts up in August. I have some series ideas for the channels though so I'm hoping that will help. I'm doing decently keeping all my stuff SEO optimized for this one, as it's facts and information and education in general, it's alot easier to create things that the algorythm can get out to the public.

I'm fully aware if I had better software to make high quality content I probably would have been monitized already. But if I want to add clips that aren't from places like pixabay, I first have to record the clips from my phone, put it in my google drops box, and than download to the laptop I use for my day job. And sometimes that can take hours to get to the drop box.

But I'm not letting that stop me, and I plan to remake old conent in the future when I have better equipment, and can get an extra hand to find clips that the public would like, because what I like and what everyone finds high qulaity isn't the same.

I also generate AI art for Adobe stock, no sales there, but my subscription to the AI just renewed today, so I need to get some more art up there, and make sure these ones are more creative in the titling, descriptions and tags. I let Adobe fill it all in for me for my 1st 40 images, and I"ll be honest they weren't great.

I had just got done watching a side hustle video with this as an idea, and I just rushed through it. Lesson learned, and now I plan to take my time and find what works for me.

Then I have a good friend (whom I call Krispy) we met in a game I've been for 3y now, and that's his in game name. And he thought affiliate marketing would a good idea.

So call me crazy I'm trying it, well doing it. Had to get a business account for pintrest, which I never use pintrest. I've been very anti social media, as even though I want to be out there, I don't want to be out there. At least not out there with pictures or videos of myself.

I'm always on the fence about it with my own kids. Social Anxiety for the win, am I right?

And I've made $0 off that as of today as well. So, money made $0, expenses probably close to betwenn $500 and $1k. But I'm sticking it through. A couple of things I've gotten have 1 year subscription plan, so I don't have to worry too much about losing video software, and other things are free.

I'm working on turning my losses around, by bloggin, sharing links to my stuff and just optimizing what's already out there.

If you've made it to the end, thanks for reading. I hope you can read more of blogs and check out some of my YouTube Channels or Etsy Shops. I appreciate everyone who reads about my adventure.

[theji]

Things Yizhan Made Me Do

It's BXG Day today! 🐢💛

To commemorate the occasion, I thought of making a list of 13 out-of-character things that I've done since falling into the fandom. (OK I'm a bit late I meant to do this sooner, the day is ending soon in a couple of hours).

1. Start a blog

And a public one, no less. I had a blog when I was in my teens but that was private, like a personal diary. My day job already involves writing so off-work I would usually like to indulge in mindless activities. Now, here I am, maintaining a Yizhan blog. I have not even used Tumblr prior to this but I'm enjoying it now, rambling about our fav boys. Writing is not a chore if it's about them.

2. Join a fandom

I joined a boy band fan club once upon a time, some 15 years ago, but I was never as invested in it as I am now with Yizhan. Back then it was just buying some merch, attending their concert/autograph sessions, listening to their songs. Apart from work, dog mum duties, personal relationships, other hobbies like kombucha brewing, most of my free time is now spent on the fandom. My Netflix account is crying. There is just so much to do and catch up on (I'm not complaining). I also enjoy interacting with and learning from other bloggers here. Antis are no fun and some industry news/developments/hate messages are upsetting but ultimately, you curate your own fandom experience. And I choose positivity and rationality.

3. Indulge in RPS

I don't ever 'ship'. What is 'ship'? 😆 I was always a dutiful audience, just enjoying whatever drama series and moving on after that. I started with CQL like most people and I didn't even notice/like GGDD until much later. Didn't even set out to 'ship' anyone but now I'm a self-professed turtle. SZD is SZD, and anyone can see something special between them if you keep an open mind. I wrote about my SZD reasons here previously. That said, GG & DD are individuals, each with their own successful careers. They come first, the ship comes second. That I'm very clear of.

4. Use Chinese apps

Gosh, my phone and tablet are now full of Chinese apps. I used to have only WeChat cos I needed it for work but now I have Weibo, Oasis, Douyin, WeTV, MangoTV, Youku, etc. Some of them are not even available in the app store so I had to find alternative sources to download them. haha..I even have paid membership for some of these apps. And now, browsing Weibo daily becomes a routine. If you wish, you can just get stuck browsing Weibo for a long long time. It's entertaining.

5. Read fan fic

I only started about 6 months ago but now I'm hooked and fics are largely the only thing I read these days, apart from news. But I only read Yizhan or WangXian fics (p.s. calling for fic recs of other pairings!) I know some might have different feelings about fan fics but to me, I really just see them as fiction, with characters (and sometimes traits) bearing similarities to GGDD. Similarly, I separate the platform from the incident so I have no problems going to A03 despite GG's incident. I just enjoy seeing the characters named XZ/WYB having happy endings in many different timelines and universes. While most of the fics I read are explicit (by design), I don't use them as tools to play out certain fantasies or to think of GGDD in a sexual manner. In fact, I really hate fics that have little substance and just go into the explicit parts without plot development. I like those with interesting premises too, like one I read recently where XZ is a serial killer and WYB is a police officer investigating the case but also in love with him. I do have plans to share my list of fav fan fics some time down the road so keep an eye out for it!

6. Willingly read Chinese

Yes, Chinese may be my mother tongue but I don't use it much in daily living unless I have to. I also find it tedious to read Chinese cos the characters are just so squashed together. If I have a choice, I will always pick English. But now, I read so much Chinese from my daily weibo browsing. I even read fan fics in Chinese! Who am I? On the plus side, I think my Chinese comprehension and translation skills improved. I also picked up some internet lingo used by Chinese netizens, which are pretty interesting like doi, 🐮🍺, 🖍. My all-time fav is yyds.

7. Act like a cougar

In real life, I have always maintained that younger men are childish. At least those I have encountered. But look at me now, fangirling over two younger men (I am closer in age to GG, but still..). I even jokingly call them my 'China Boyfriends'. I look at them very respectfully most of the time.

8. Buy merch

Seriously, once you start, you can't stop. At least that was what happened to me, although I'm still quite selective when it comes to supporting their endorsements. I usually go for consumables like food, cosmetics vs collectibles cos I'm more practical. Also, GG says to support their merch within reasonable means so that's what I'm doing. Just buying things that I'm interested to try and not because it has their faces or names slapped on it. In a way, this suits me cos I like trying new brands and stuff anyway.

9. Keeping a Yizhan archive

Photos, weblinks, videos, songs, fan fics list..my phone is full of these things now. I think my Yizhan photo gallery is only second to the folder with my dogs' pictures. But how can you resist when we are blessed with new pics of them almost every week?

10. Camp for livestreams

I'm lucky I live in the same time zone as the boys so I don't have to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to watch something. But that's the thing, being in the same time zone sometimes make me feel like I HAVE to watch that thing live because, why not? Why wait? Not shy to admit that I once watched a live programme in the middle of work but I made sure I finished what needed to be done. I think so long as we don't let these livestream schedules run our lives, there's no harm in camping for them.

11. Watch c entertainment

I am one of those who used to pass over Chinese productions, simply because it's a Chinese production. Not in a scoffing manner but I'm just genuinely not interested in them nor the celebs. I was more of a US/UK production kind of person, occasionally Korean/Japanese. Now, I'm learning to enjoy them although I just watch those with GGDD in them. No energy to follow other Chinese celebs anyway. The other programme I'm contemplating watching even if it doesn't have them in it is Who's the Murderer (GG was only in one of the cases) cos I like the premise. On the flip side, now my sis and partner keep making fun of me cos to them, all I do now is "watch China shows". That is so not true. Or is it?

12. Write fan mail

I wrote a letter to GG once. A long-ass letter. I hope he read it. That's all I'm gonna say. 🙈 hahahahaha

13. Desire to visit China

China was never on my list of to-visit places. Just wasn't interested. I have been to Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou a few times in the past for work but even then, I never felt the urge to revisit for leisure. Now, I wanna visit GG and DD's home town, visit Chongqing to see the graffiti wall with Bobii Zanbii on it, eat mala hotpot and try out their sauce recipe, attend BXG events, dine at the CQL restaurant... Watching TTXS also made me realise that there are many beautiful places in China with natural landscapes and all that. I used to be clouded by my disdain for the regime and some behaviour of its citizens but now, I recognise that the country is separate from the regime or a smaller group of poorly behaved citizens. China is a beautiful country and I would love to visit some day. I will fly over immediately on my own if someone gives me tix to ADLAD!!

Well, I hope some of these things resonate with you. Feel free to share the OOC things that Yizhan made you do.

Once again, Happy BXG Day! 🐢💛🐆🐇🐷🌶🦁🍑🐶🍍🛹🎋

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

We Met Within This Screen (chapt. 2)

[Donnie x fem reader]

Sfw, part 1 here

Intellectually, Donnie was the best matchup for their leader as today was sparring day. He'd gone against his oldest brother many times, sometimes even coming out the victor himself, but today was just not his day.

He held his staff with that iron grip of his and waited for Leo to come at him. Donnie was more on the defensive than any of his brothers; he had to be. Out of all he was weakest physically but superior in calculations, but he was missing range in this matchup. Leo had a hard time disarming him as his katana could sometimes get lodged in the solid wood staff, giving Donnie leverage to perform the finisher in the short time it took him to dislodge his sword. He thought this time would be how that would happen.

"You're slow today, Donnie," Leo said as he lunged at his brother with a swing of his katana, forcing Donnie to step back. He was too focused on blocking Leo's rapid succession of attacks to respond.

Leo reeled back to swing his blade again but Donnie parried and struck his arm with his staff, shoving it aside. For a split second, Leo actually thought he was fixing to go down by this move if Donnie could hit him again quick enough. But his brother hesitated in thought, and without any reluctance himself, he used his other katana to put him in a compromising position. The match was over and Donnie was forced to stand down.

"Why did you hesitate?" Leo questioned him, lowering his blade. Raph watched from the sidelines with Mikey as they prepared to go up next. Since Leo was the winner, it was Raph's turn next to spar in his younger brother's place.

Donnie huffed and dropped his stance, putting his staff away. "It's just an off day," he replied. Splinter wasn't there to dictate today's training session and tournament, so Donnie was already on his way out to go to his lab by the time Raph stepped up to spar. But Leo sheathed his sword and put a hand on Donnie's shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

"You've been pretty eager to run back to your lab lately," Leo said matter-of-factly. He was wondering what was going on, why Donnie seemed weirdly distant the last couple of weeks. He had gone through a very withdrawn phase in earlier times upon entering his teenage years, but now, he was legitimately making everyone guess. He didn't snap at his brothers, and he wasn't any more impatient than usual. But something was different. He'd been spending a lot more time holed up in his lab, which everyone began to notice. Leo wanted to know what was wrong.

Donnie shifted and shrugged, "Like I said, I've been busy with some projects. Also, it's not like I have much to do out here beside training and patrol."

Leo opened his mouth to speak, but Mikey jumped on between them. "You missed game night last week! You never miss it," he butted in. Both Donnie and Leo gave him a look as if to say really? and he added in, "Well, uh...not usually."

Gently moving Mikey aside, Leo wanted to continue, but he saw Donnie staring at him expecting a follow-up when he didn't really have one. Whatever this was, Leo knew that coming at Donnie with questions was not the way to go about it. So he stepped back and gave his brother some space.

"We all have off days," Leo said finally after an awkward moment of silence. "Just work on your speed, Don."

"Got it."

With that, Donnie turned to leave, and Raph entered the ring to go against Leo in the last match of the night.

Once Donnie was gone, Leo got ready to spar with Raph. As they got into position, he contemplated bringing this recent development up with the other two, but decided against it in the end. He didn't want to incriminate Donnie, especially with Raph's assertive approach to handling things. Donnie could be somewhat flighty at times when it came to resolving matters of emotion, at times a little too introspective, but Leo couldn't fault him—he had his own struggles with that very thing, too.

Done, finally, Donnie thought as he skirted into his lab and started up the game. He was late to the party quite literally; training lasted longer than he'd thought, and he was disappointed to see that his newest friend was online, but not responding to his invite. Did everyone get together and play without him? After a few minutes, he almost decided on giving up. The instance made him contemplate whether he even wanted to continue this. Perhaps he'd been too eager.

He sighed. And then the menu pinged, and he was there reading the message in an instant.

Hey, sorry I partied up without you, I just didn't know if you were gonna be on or not :/

Without even thinking, he licked his lips typed back, repeatedly deleting and retyping his message to make sure it was casual but not too casual, apologetic but not desperate—

It's okay, don't worry about it

Likewise sorry it took me so long to get here.

That would do. He'd be lying to say he wasn't feeling that flutter in his stomach; the excitement of something new got to him in a way that only a discovery in his research did, or how he felt when he mastered a new technique in his training.

Let's get started then :)

They started the game, and this time he kept the mic on, as she did. They talked back and forth as they fought creatures and enemies and looted things, eventually coming to learn that she herself was in New York City. He was surprised; suddenly, the world felt a lot smaller, and he couldn't concentrate on just playing after that. The time they spent became more of an opportunity to converse than to play a mundane game for hours on end.

At some point, she switched the topic to his whereabouts. Donnie's breath hitched.

"I'm...not anywhere near. So it doesn't really matter," he told her, cringing. If the guys found out—if Splinter found out—he would be in such trouble.

"Oh," she paused for a moment, trying to find something to say. "That's alright, I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me, you know?"

He'd muted his mic to release a deep breath. He got lost in thought thinking about how in that moment, he wanted to be human. If he weren't a giant mutant turtle, he could actually form a connection with someone. It was a very "Mikey" thing to think, he reckoned, but at times he wanted friends just like his brother did.

"Yeah, sorry, I just…"

"It's really no problem, dude."

He felt as though he could hear the smile in her voice. What did she look like, he wondered. He wanted to see her, but he couldn't ask for that when he could never do the same. If he could get her name, he'd be in the clear to do some preliminary lookups on this person, but so far, she'd been dodgy about sharing info about herself as well. He couldn't blame her. They were two strangers online, one with a huge secret and the other completely in the dark about who he truly was. For all she knew, he could have been a creep, looking to stalk her online and perhaps do even worse. The thought made him feel almost nauseous, how she could be considering that about him as a possibility as they spoke. But she seemed comfortable enough. Unlike him, who was still slightly skeptical of the entire thing, because after spending his whole life in practical isolation, he was at a loss as to what to say or do after a certain point. The conversation died off and both of them thought simultaneously about how weird the sudden silence between them felt.

She hummed, as if searching for something to bring up. When she spoke, he was taken aback—"Hey, I'm gonna be honest, I really like talking to you but this game is getting boring. Do you wanna chat somewhere else?"

"Uh…" he trailed off, mind shooting blanks. Oh, was it just a horrible idea. He couldn't keep the jig up forever; the truth was bound to get revealed somewhere down the line. He was fixing to reject the proposition, tell her that he didn't want to take it that far. She could be anyone. The likelihood of it being a clever ruse on account of the Foot Clan was slim, but the paranoia still worked ambiently in the background noise of his mind. But his other doubt stopped him—when would he ever have a chance at this again? He wanted to have the strength to say no and leave it at that. The loneliness that crept up on him from time to time had something else to say.

"Yeah," he answered after a terribly long pause of mumbling, fighting with himself all the way as she told him where to add her. He could have kicked himself had it not been for the fact that he knew how to encrypt data, and that as long as he didn't leak a word about his inner circle or life, it would be okay. It didn't feel okay, though.

"Nice! I'll text you, see you later, Bo. I had a lot of fun tonight," she chirped.

Before he could respond, she was gone from the party, and the mic went silent. It happened so fast. He was barely caught up with the fact that he was now receiving messages and prompts to talk, but he couldn't bring himself to answer right away. He had to refocus his logic; how could this be used by the enemy as a way to get to them? Could they have somehow anticipated he'd download this game and find this random on there? The more the thought about it, the more glaringly obvious it was that it was not the case. It was just too improbable.

"The probability of the Foot being able to simulate such a specific scenario in order to get intel on us is so slim, it is practically non-existent," he told himself as he finally pulled up the messages. He read through them. "Approximately a zero-point-zero-zero-zero..."

My name is (Y/N), by the way :)

Well, that was easier than expected. He figured that somehow, the name suited you—a fitting name for such a personality. But it also gave him a glimmer of hope. It made him want to ask why you appeared to trust him, as he could be anyone on the Earth over the screen, not his benevolent self. Which she had no way of proving, technically. But he soon came to realize the screen painted him in a whole new light that it casted on him. It hit then that he could be anyone. He didn't have to be himself; not necessarily. She'd never have to know, as he could wear a human mask and she'd be none the wiser. Problem was, the lying made him feel guilty, and slowly would develop to be the thorn in his side.

Donnie thoughtfully stared at the screen. Now that he was here, some of his anxiety began to fade. He found himself actually able to talk, someone to listen to his tangents and even build upon them. They spent hours texting back and forth about anything and everything until it was almost time for him to put the phone down to leave for patrol. He felt giddy, like a kid, all over again.

________________________________________

Had you ever been able to talk to someone this easily?

You asked yourself that question as you exchanged with the faceless and nameless stranger over your screen, chatting from afternoon to night. Time flew by in an instant, with him, and you loved every minute. He was someone intellectual, but funny and so easy to talk to that it was as though the conversation carried itself. After some time he came out about his age after you revealed yours. Oftentimes, he'd just present to you a random question when the subject tapered off and run with it, like now:

What do you think of reptiles?

Puzzled, you took a second to reply. Odd question.

Why do you ask? Do you have one?

I was just curious

What do you think of them?

The chat indicator flip-flopped between "typing" and "idle" a few times before a message finally popped up, and you smiled. You'd learned over this short time that he was a dork in a cute way.

Well...I think they're pretty cool.

They've got natural armor and you would be surprised to know just how fast a turtle can be

You laughed a little to yourself. It was such a random thing to bring up, yet you were endeared. Deciding you'd go along with it, you asked him what else he knew about turtles.

Well...

__________________________________________________

Donnie was wondering what he was talking about just as much as she probably was. Stupid, he thought, facepalming. His first time really speaking with a human as an equal and he starts talking about turtles. Of course he knew a lot about them, he was one himself—but for some reason he found himself wanting to dispel myths and misunderstandings about turtles as if they reflected on him, when as far as she knew, he was just a human guy like herself.

He groaned lightly and typed, thinking up a fact that wasn't too conspicuous.

Red eared sliders are semi-aquatic.

As he typed the next part, he caught himself writing "we" instead of "they", to his dismay. He quickly fixed the error and continued, feeling weirdly exposed as it was almost as though in sharing this information, he was putting himself under a microscope for her to inspect.

They can hold their breath for up to thirty minutes, usually

Holding his breath was something he'd tested numerous times before. He and his brothers had actually made a game out of it on a few occasions, with Leo leading at thirty-three minutes, Donnie in second at thirty-one. Raph broke at twenty-nine minutes and Mikey followed behind in last at just twenty-seven. The ability could be trained, nonetheless.

That's interesting, I wonder what it's like to be able to go underwater so long?

It's kind of cool, you should try sometime

For THIRTY MINUTES?

Shit. He promptly replied:

No—not like I can hold my breath that long, I just mean you should try to see sometime I guess

I tested it just for the fun of it.

Looking up how long humans could hold their breath on average (between thirty seconds and two minutes), he bumped the number up a little bit and added:

Personally, I'm at two minutes and forty-five seconds

He was embarrassed, partially covering his face as he waited for a response. Such a foolish slip-up; he couldn't afford to say anything cryptic. But he still was fairly sure that he had recovered that alright. He couldn't help but think about how awkward or weird he seemed to her. Who talked about this?

I don't think I could hold my breath for more than a minute, kudos to you haha

Anyway, sorry to switch gears all of a sudden but if you don't mind me asking, what's up with your family? You have any siblings?

He told her no. He would not bring his brothers into this, lest it be the slim chance of a ploy, after all. He said his family situation was unconventional and left it at that.

With that, he said to her goodnight and put his phone away, getting up to go get geared for patrol. It was only then he noticed the figure leaning against the doorway.

Chapter 3

[romancing-lady-whistledown]

Just wanted to comment on your last post - there was no frustration and drama for me when I was watching Elu and Skam and Skam France before I made the huge error of looking for the fandom and joining it. Now I realise it was a big mistake, I have to constantly block people on Tweeter for hating on my faves and I've come to really hate another remake which I only didn't care about before having to deal with its stans. So I totally understand what you're saying. Me, I wish I'd never joined.

So this got long af so I’m gonna put it under the cut lol

Oh I absolutely feel you, when I say frustration and drama, I am refering to the live-watching experience and all the fandom drama that comes with that. I have a very polarizing feeling about being in the online fandom personally. For me the positive aspects have been so big that I can’t say that I wish I’d never joined personally, but especially if the positive aspects I’ve experienced haven’t been part of your fandom-experience I definitely see how you can get to the point where you wish you never joined in the first place, especially in the past year, because the negative aspects...they’re rough, and they do make the experience of the actual show different from if you just watched it on your own or you watched it as a casual viewer in the country it’s airing in, rather than as a part of the fandom on Tumblr and/or Twitter.  

I watched the original Skam as a casual Norwegian viewer, I was in a Facebook-group with other casual Norwegian viewers, there was never any drama about anything, not the clips, not the characters, not the actors and not the creators of the show. It was just watching the clips, often someone commenting about how the clip was cute, funny, sad ect, and then everybody moved on with their day. There would sometimes be a thread with questions like “Where do you think William is?” or “What do you think is up with Even?”, but it was always very casual. Sometimes I think the online fandom forget that the majority of the remake-viewers are the casual local viewers, the ones who only casually watch that one remake as a show on it’s own, not as a part of the “Skamverse”. The international Twitter/Tumblr-fandom is just a little part of the people watching the show and the opinions we see here don’t necessairily reflect those of the more casual audience (as one can often see in for example reaction-videos on Youtube where the reactors watch alot of shows at the same time and might not even blink at something that might’ve been a big deal in the online fandom). 

Being a casual viewer worked so well for me with Skam, the whole viewing experience was very chill and enjoyable. I did the same thing with Skam France S1 and S2, I watched the first episode of every remake, and Skam France was the only one I felt compelled to continue watching. It wasn’t the most exciting experience plotwise since it was just the exact same as the og, but I love the cast, I love the French language and it was overall pleasant and fun enough that I kept watching both seasons all the way through. As someone who has no attention span for TV-shows, the fact that they did keep my attention without anyone to push me to keep watching is enough for me to not concider them bad in the way alot of people do. Not very exciting after having watched the og, sure. Do I prefer the og S1 and S2? Yes. But bad? I personally wouldn’t say that. If I came into the fandom before I started watching on my own I know I would’ve been told to either skip S1 and S2 or skip Skam France altogether, and that obviously wouldn’t have been very good advice in my case, although it might be for someone else. That is why, when someone shows up on Tumblr saying they wanna start watching the remakes and ask for advice, I never ever tell them not to watch a remake. I could be robbing them of something that might deeply touch them, just because it didn’t touch me. 

This brings us into one of the aspects of being in the online fandom that can be both really positive and really negative, that being the way it can affect your experience of the show itself. On the positive note, there’s no way I could’ve gone through Skam France S3 in the casual way I went through the original Skam or S1 and S2 of Skamfr. No way. Having someone to talk to about all the amazing moments with was an actual need for me. Hell, two years later and I still need that. Not to mention the fan art and fics that has kept Elu alive for me ever since S3. There was this whole detective-work in the fandom about finding Eliott’s Instagram during S3, finding out about the Instagram-posts David and Niels made about the S3 clips, being in the online fandom actually added to the experience of watching S3 for me, and even now almost two years after S3 I’m left with some actual friends, friends that aren’t even in the fandom anymore but who I still talk to almost daily, as well as some lovely bloggers who are still invlolved in the fandom and who’s blogs I prefer to visit rather than visiting the tag.

But then there’s the negative side of this. While being in the online fandom certainly can add to the experience, it can also affect it negatively. That was what happened with S5 and S6 for me, to the point where I had to switch between staying completely off Tumblr and delete the Twitter app from my phone. While S5 had a couple of plotlines I didn’t like, it also had alot of amazing moments when it actually was dealing with the main theme of the season. S6 did not give their plotlines the proper exploration and conclusion they deserved, but on the other hand the reason why that was so frustrating to me was because I found those plotlines so interesting and actually wanted to see them explored properly. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have cared if the plotlines were dropped out of nowhere, like ofc it would’ve been weird but if the whole Tiff-plot suddenly disappeared I wouldn’t complain. While they were flawed and nowhere near the level of S3 for me, I did enjoy so many of the clips and Skamfr S3, S5 and S6 are the only remake-seasons I have downloaded on my computer knowing I will rewatch them regularily. If I didn’t overall enjoy them, I wouldn’t wanna rewatch them. I don’t hate-watch anything. I could barely get through Skamfr S4 (a season I genuinely didn’t like) and I could not get through Wtfock S4, (which I liked even less). So the flaws Skamfr S5 and S6 had didn’t turn the seasons as a whole into trash for me, but I know they did for alot of people and going to the tags while in the middle of the live-watching experience couldn’t just be a bummer, it could almost transfer some feelings and opinions that weren’t my own onto me just from seeing them repeated so many times. I appreciate nuanced discussion, which does include constructive criticism, and there was alot of that too, but there were also alot of posts that I would not concider that. In this case, when I got some time and distance away from the live-watching experience and got the space to think for myself, I realized that as often is the case, my feelings about the seasons weren’t black and white, or in this case, masterpiece vs trash. Yes, I don’t like certain plotpoints (like the love triangle and car-scene from S5 or the Tiff-plot and the overly rushed conclusions to the otherwise interesting plotlines in S6), but that doesn’t mean that I personally think S5 or S6 as a whole are trash, not when the good episodes and clips were as good as they were to me personally. The online fandom experience has also, just like for you, completely turned me off from another remake that I otherwise felt neutral about and at one point even liked, which really is a shame.

So yeah this turned into a long ass essay just to say, the online fandom-experience is a true mixed bag for me. Although the positive experiences I’m taking from it, mainly the lovely and talented people, the friends I made and the full Skam France S3 experience, ultimately made it worth it for me, I can totally see how, especially if you didn’t have those experiences, you would simply wish you never joined. When it’s a pain, it’s a pain.

[ohemgeeitscoley]

Signed, Sealed, Delivered (1/5)

Fandom: Star Wars

Pairing: Rey/Ben Solo (Reylo)

Note: Written for the Movie Exchange. This was a blast to participate in, and I’m so excited to share it!

Biggest thank you and love to @andyouweremine​ and @storiesofimagination​ and @notababoonbrandishingastick​ for reading along and cheering me on and pointing out the ways to make the story better. You guys make writing fun and I love you.

Read below or on AO3

This is not where Ben wanted to be in life. When he was a child imagining his future being a 28 year old assistant for a giant dick was not even remotely on the list of possibilities. 

But here he is spending his Friday night standing outside of a building with an annoying bouncer reminding him that the doorway was for members only.

The fucking doorway.

Ben could be a member if he wanted. If he wasn't too stubborn to touch his inheritance. But he wanted to make it in life on his own merits and not because of old money and his family's name.

Nights like tonight make it hard to remember any of it matters.

His mom has been on him more the last few months. He's been Snoke's assistant for two years. The last assistant had only had the job for a year before Snoke got him set up as a VP for a large hedge fund. 

Ben's been wasting his time getting Snoke food and encouraging him through drinking green juice for two years with nothing to show for it.

He knows he should take his mom up on her offer. Hell, he could call his uncle and get a position at his company and really no one would blink. 

But it matters to him. He doesn't want to rely on nepotism and to be in a position he hasn't earned.

He has an MBA. He didn't think it would be this hard.

Ben sighs, shoving one hand into his pant pocket and scrolls through the messages on his phone.

Most are from his mom. Reminding him that he is supposed to go home this weekend for a family dinner. As if he is going to have time for that. There are a few from Poe talking about a new guy he met at the bar and some random items Ben assumes are groceries Poe wants him to pick up whenever he heads home.

It's almost midnight and he's been standing on a sidewalk for 45 minutes. 

His boss finally walks out of the building and he's already harping at Ben about different things and Ben is having a hard time caring and paying attention. Snoke stops next to Ben, adjusting his tie, before running his hands through his slightly turning silver brown hair. 

“Alright,” Snoke says, unscrewing the lid from one of those God awful green juices he keeps buying, “do your thing.”

Ben responds immediately, listing off the first few better tasting foods that come to his mind. Snoke downs the drink and tosses him the bottle, like he has anywhere to throw it away, and heads toward the car that is waiting for them.

“So I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Ben asks, opening the door to the car.

“What?” Snoke asks, narrowing his eyes as he glances up from his phone to Ben. “What do you mean tomorrow? You’re going back to the office.”

No, Ben thinks, resisting the urge to grit his teeth. “Right. Of course I am,” he gets out, following Snoke into the car. “Do you want me to order dinner? Since we’re going back to the office?”

Snoke looks at Ben like he’s growing a second head. “I just drank my juice. You just saw me drink my juice.”

Ben did just see him drink his juice. Just like Ben has seen him drink several juices and then act affronted that Ben didn’t order him lunch or dinner twenty minutes later when he realizes he’s still hungry.

The car pulls away from the sidewalk and merges into traffic. It’s going to be a long night.

***

Rey loves her job. Really. She does. Being the assistant for Amilyn Holdo is an honor and a privilege. Amilyn is a force to be reckoned with and there is so much for Rey to learn from her. Not to mention the exposure. Rey is working in one of the best digital media firms in New York. Outside of Amilyn, Rey is surrounded by some of the best writers, editors, and photographers. She’s lucky to have the job. She knows how lucky she is.

However. It is almost midnight on a Friday and she’s been in the office since 6:45 and all she wants to do is go back to her apartment, curl into her bed, and watch a stupid movie and fall asleep. But Amilyn is still in her office on the phone and Rey knows that she can’t leave before Amilyn. It was never a spoken rule, that Rey needs to be the first one to arrive and the last one to leave. But that was because it didn’t need to be said out loud. It was expected.

Rey’s phone buzzes against her desk. Glancing down at the lit up screen, Rey scrunches her nose at the text notification from Kaydel. It’s text number twelve for the night. She was supposed to meet up with Kaydel and Rose for drinks after work. Rey hates that she has been such an absentee friend, but Amilyn had been throwing herself even more into work the last few months and Rey’s social life had all but vanished since then.

Amilyn’s door opens and she throws Rey a fitness watch.

“I need that up to at least 10,000 steps before I leave,” she says, already walking back into her office. “My trainer can’t think that I’m slacking off in between sessions. And order me dinner from that one place.”

Amilyn’s door closes before she’s done talking, her voice muffled. But Rey knows what she says and she knows the place that Amilyn is vaguely referring to because she is a good assistant.

No. She is a great assistant.

Rey opens up the restaurant's website and places Amilyn’s dinner order. Rey’s stomach growls, she isn’t quite sure when she ate last. Amilyn had needed her to take notes during her lunch meeting and Rey didn’t have a chance to eat afterward. Rey glares down at her belly for betraying her and adds dinner for her to the order before sending it out.

Her email pings with the confirmation of her order. The estimated time of arrival is 45 minutes.

45 minutes for two sandwiches at almost midnight seems ridiculous.

Rey calls the restaurant and bickers with them until they concede that the food can be delivered in 30 minutes.

Sliding Amilyn’s watch on her wrist, Rey stands up and stretches her arms before beginning to pace around the office. 

***

"What do you mean you can't take a credit card?" Rey's eyes widen as she starts going through her wallet even though she knows she does not have enough cash to cover the food. She's not sure she has any cash at all. 

Rey is sweaty and gross from trying to get the fitness watch up to 10,000 steps in 30 minutes. Rey had only managed about 4,000 and she feels like her lungs and legs are going to be burning for days. She still had another 3,000 to go.

"We're cash only on deliveries now," the delivery driver answers and he looks like he's contemplating getting ready to take the food and leave.

But Rey needs that food. She can't let her boss down at almost midnight when she said she was going down to the lobby to get her dinner.

"I have… I have Venmo? CashApp? I'll download any app you have actually." Rey offers, pulling out a checkbook. "What about a check?"

The guy rolls his eyes. "You think if we aren't taking cards, we are going to take checks?"

"It's not 1990, so the fact that you guys are refusing to take digital currency led me to believe you were stuck in the past." Rey huffs in annoyance, her brain spiraling trying to come up with another plan.

Rey hears the elevator ding behind her, but she's too distracted by the problem in front of her to pay much attention. 

"I can offer a contract for a small piece of my soul?" Rey jokingly offers. 

"Do you have the $32.50 or not?" He asks, clearly not impressed. 

"Yes, I do have the $32.50," Rey argues, "in any form of currency available to me that is not actually cash in my hand. Which was also nowhere on your website. This seems like a scam. Are you trying to pocket the cash?"

"I don't need this shit," he starts to put the bag away when--

"I have cash," a deep voice says from behind Rey. "I can pay."

Rey turns around quickly and looks at the man walking toward them. 

He's… large. In a fairly tall, very wide kind of way. His face is all sharp angles and his hair is long and dark… and it looks really soft. 

He's vaguely familiar looking. Rey assumes he works in the building too and that she's probably seen him at some point. She's surprised she doesn't remember him though, because he is extremely attractive. 

"You don't have--" Rey starts, before realizing the hot stranger is handing delivery driver money and grabbing the bag and he is stealing her dinner. "Excuse me, that is my dinner. Fuck. That is my boss's dinner."

The delivery driver leaves with a slight flick of his fingers to the other man before walking away.

"I paid for it," the food thief shrugs, "So it's my boss's dinner now."

"No, no, no, no, no," Rey breaths, her mind spinning to come up with a plan as she followed the man toward the elevator. "There's two dinners in there. One for me and one for my boss. I need my boss's dinner. I cannot get fired."

Something near sympathy seems to pass over his face. He pauses, his grip on the bag loosening. 

"And it's about to be my boss's dinner because I cannot get fired."

"Listen," Rey begins, chewing on her bottom lip. "What's your name?"

"Ben," he responds. "And I really need to get back to work."

"So do I, Ben," Rey holds on to the vowel in his name for a few seconds. "But I cannot go back without food. Spare a dinner. Does your boss really need both?"

"What did you get?" Ben asks, but he's already opening the bag before Rey can answer.

He pulls out the first box and hands it to Rey before he grabs the second box and let's the bag fall to the ground. 

Rey opens her box first.  It's Amilyn's steak sandwich with blue cheese crumbles and a lettuce wrap instead of a bun. There's a side of pita chips and hummus.

That means Ben has Rey's pulled pork sandwich, with the caramelized onions and perfectly toasted brioche bun. Not to mention the apple slaw and sweet potato fries. 

Rey's mouth waters and her stomach betrays her and rumbles. Her cheeks redden with embarrassment.  

"This is my boss's," Rey holds up the container in her hand. "Yours gets to enjoy mine."

"It's a pulled pork sandwich," he states as if the sandwich is personally offending him.  

"It's an amazing pulled pork sandwich," Rey shakes her head in disbelief. "Does your boss have something against good food?"

"Good?" Ben looks at the sandwich again. "This is a basic sandwich at best. Pork and onions? Sweet potato fries? I'll be the one getting fired if I bring him this. He is a man of refined taste."

"I can fix this." Rey drops to her knees, setting down the steak sandwich and holding out her hand for the container from Ben.

He looks amused when he hands her the box. Rey ignores it and goes to work.

She pulls the top bun off the pulled pork sandwich, trying not to inhale the delicious scent wafting from the box. She takes a handful of bleu cheese crumbles from the other sandwich and sprinkles them over the sandwich. Then she grabs a fork out of the bag and strategically places about a quarter of the apple slaw on top of the onions.  

She then gathers the rest of the apple slaw and puts them in her boss's container, followed by the sweet potato fries. The hummus and pita chips fit perfectly in the box next to the remastered sandwich. 

"There we go," Rey puts the bun back on top of the sandwich and closes the lid to the boxes. She stands slowly, holding out one box for Ben. "Viola, a culinary masterpiece."

"I don't know about that." He gives the container a quizzical look. "But you owe me at least $22 for this."

"What?" Rey scoffs. "That's more than my sandwich was to begin with and you took most of the toppings."

He shrugs. "I saved your ass. There's a tax for that."

"You're a monster," Rey glares at him. "But fine, deal. I'll bring it to you tomorrow, Ben."

"Perfect,  I'm on the 22nd floor…" he stops, tilting his head. "I don't know your name."

"Rey," she answers, a smug smile overtaking her face. "I'm on the 23rd floor."

He isn't impressed. Or if he is, he hides it well. The arrogance that rolls off of him is off putting. He walks away to the elevator, pressing the up arrow. "I expect you'll be there no later than 7. I have a life."

"Right," Rey snorts, picking up the bag he left behind on the floor. There was a wrapped pickle inside. Score. "Says the assistant getting his boss dinner at midnight. You'll get it when you get it."

Rey hits the button for the other elevator across the hall. She does not want to be in an elevator with him. 

The doors open for both elevators at the same time. Rey walks into hers first, turning around to see him step. 

"You'll be there by 7, or the interest will double," Ben chuckles.

Rey's mouth falls open. "Interest!" She exclaims, but the elevator door is already closing. "You never said anything about interest you ass--"

The door shuts.

"Asshole," Rey finishes in the elevator. "Absolute asshole."

Rey pouts as she takes a bite into the pickle. Interest. What kind of person charges interest on essentially stolen food.

She's still lost in her thoughts when the elevator opens and [boss] steps in.

"I'm going home," she says, pressing the button for the main floor. 

Rey barely has time to get out of the elevator before the door starts to close.

"I'll be in by 7 tomorrow," she adds just before the doors finally close.

Rey closes her eyes. "Here's your $30 sandwich that I just spent 40 minutes to get for you," Rey says to the vacant office. "And maybe tomorrow I'll pitch my idea about the positive effects of team sports for foster children and other disenfranchised  youth."

The majority of the lights are dimmed, leaving the normally colorful and bright walls dark and shadowy. Rey heads toward her desk, unwrapping the sandwich and taking a bite.

She presses the button on the side of her desk to raise it up so she can stand while she finishes eating. Glancing at the time, Rey groans. 12:17. 

By the time she finishes responding to all of Amilyn''s invites, it'll be 1. After the subway ride to her apartment and some much needed unwind time, Rey will be lucky to get three hours of sleep before she has to be back at the office. 

Her skin practically vibrates at the amount of caffeine she is going to need to order in the morning. And she's going to have to stop by an ATM to pull out cash.

Maybe even a bank. 

Because she is only giving Ben $22. Not a penny more.

***

The article Rey is reading when Kaydel and Rose come stumbling into the apartment has her close to tears. She wipes at her eyes quickly as Kaydel throws herself down onto the chair across from Rey. 

“Rey!” Kaydel shouts holding her arms up in a v above her head. “We missed you. You didn’t even respond to the last few messages I sent.”

“I know.” Rey grimaces. “I couldn’t get out of work. Amilyn had meeting after meeting.”

“It’s okay,” Kaydel smiles brightly at Rey. “I love you anyway.”

The best part of being best friends with Kaydel is that Rey knows without a doubt that Kaydel absolutely means everything she is saying. Kaydel doesn’t mince words. She doesn’t hide from the hard or uncomfortable things. She plows forward until the matter is addressed and resolved. And then she moves on.

“Well hopefully you can join us next time,” Rose offers, sitting on the arm rest of the chair next to Kaydel. “I need someone to try to help me keep up with her.”

Rey laughs, her eyes crinkling in the corners as she shakes her head. “We all know I cannot keep up with her.”

“Please,” Kaydel huffs. “No one can keep up with me. I am an unstoppable machine.”

“You need water,” Rose says, leaning over to kiss Kaydel’s cheek. “I’m going to get you water.”

Kaydel watches Rose as she gets up and walks into the kitchen. Rey hates the tiny bit of jealousy that fills her stomach. Kaydel’s whole face is lit up, her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are soft and warm and full of love. 

Rey wants that. 

She just doesn’t have time for that. 

Relationships had never been something Rey was particularly good at. In high school, she wasn’t secure enough at home to have time for dating. Planning on whether or not she could go on a date seemed trivial when she had to worry about whether or not she was going to have to switch foster homes if she didn’t prove her worth or caused any problems.

Then in college, Rey had been so focused on keeping her scholarships and her grades, she just didn’t have time. The fact that she had been assigned to be Kaydel’s roommate had been one of her only saving graces for socialization. 

Now, she has her job. She can’t even make it to drinks with two of her best friends. She eats dinner after midnight. 

Dating just isn’t something that is going to fit in her life any time soon.

“You should go to sleep,” Kaydel points out. The concern in her voice becomes apparent as she continues. “You look exhausted. When are you going in tomorrow?”

“6:30?” Rey debates out loud, tilting her head side-to-side as she thinks. “Maybe 7. I need to stop at an ATM, or maybe an actual bank, and I’ll still need to get Amilyn’s coffee and bagel.”

“Why do you need to go to a bank?” Kaydel asks, curling up her lips. “I can’t even think of the last time I went to a bank.”

“I need $22. Exactly.” Rey answers, shrugging. “It’s a… long story and we definitely do not have time for it tonight.”

“Tomorrow then,” Kaydel demands, her eyes narrow and Rey knows that she means business. “Dinner. Even if it’s a late dinner. You can catch me up.”

Rey nods giving Kaydel a tight smile. “Sounds perfect.”

Kaydel returns Rey’s smile before standing up and walking toward the kitchen. Rey leans her head back against the couch, sighing as she closes her laptop. The list of things Rey knows that Amilyn is going to want her to do tomorrow is daunting. Kaydal may have said that it could be a late dinner, but for Kaydel that was 7, maybe 8, not 11 or 12. 

Maybe Rey will be able to sneak off for a little bit though. Grabbing her phone and laptop, Rey heads toward her bedroom, debating going through Amilyn’s calendar to see if she can move anything around to guarantee her an hour or so around dinner to be free.

That’s when she hears Kaydal scream. 

Rey quickly tosses her phone and laptop on her bed before running toward Kaydel’s room. Flinging the door open, Rey’s heart feels like it’s about to beat out of her chest. “What the hell--”

The question dies on Rey’s lips when her brain connects what is happening. Rose is still on one knee and Rey’s not sure she’s ever seen someone look so happy. Until she looks at Kaydel, who is holding her left hand over her heart.

They are getting engaged.

“I said no,” Kaydel blurts, but the smile and happiness in her voice give her away. “I’m just kidding. I said yes. Of course I said yes.”

“You guys are getting married?” Rey asks in a breath. She’s not shocked by the news. Rose and Kaydel have been together for two years and they were both crazy about the other. But it still is forcing Rey to imagine what life is going to be like when Kaydel is Rose’s wife and not her best friend and roommate.

Which is selfish and wrong and Rey knows that, but despite a lot of counseling, Rey is terrified of being left alone again.

She pushes those thoughts to the side. 

Rose and Kaydel are going to get married. Her best friend. She’s going to be happy for them. She is happy for them.

Kaydel walks over to her, holding out the ring. It’s gorgeous and fits Kaydel’s personality perfectly with the medium-sized, princess cut diamond and the white gold color. It’s sharp and fierce.

“I’m so happy for you, Kay,” Rey whispers, pulling her into her arms. “I’m so, so happy for you.”

***

Ben walks into his apartment quietly, careful not to wake Poe up. It's already… fuck it's past two. He undoes his tie before sliding his suit jacket off and beginning to undo his pants to kick them off while he makes his way to the fridge. 

The fridge light is bright in the otherwise dark room. There isn't a lot in the fridge, Ben understands now why Poe was sending him a grocery list worth of texts. 

He grabs a beer, twisting the lid off and tossing the lid in the trash.

"Hey," Poe says, scaring the fuck out of Ben. 

"Shit!" Ben exclaims, slamming the fridge shut. "Jesus, Poe. Make some noise next time."

“I said hey,” Poe laughs. “I don’t know how much more noise you need me to make.”

“What are you even doing up?” Ben grabs two beers from the fridge and walks over to the living room, sitting on the couch across from Poe.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Poe says with a shrug, taking the beer Ben is holding out. “You’re home late.”

“Yeah. Snoke needed me to start on his kid’s science project.”

Poe stares at Ben before shaking his head. “You need to quit your job man.”

“It’s not that bad,” Ben winces at how defensive he sounds. “It’ll be worth it in the end.”

“You’ve been saying that for a while.”

Poe isn’t necessarily wrong. When Ben first took the job with Snoke he imagined that it would only be for six months, maybe a year. 

“Yeah, Ben finally says, nodding in agreement. “I have. The job has its perks though, so I’ll probably stay until something better comes along.”

Poe sighs. “Perks? Like what, working on a twelve year old’s science project until two in the morning?”

“I also made a guy cry for not being able to get a stain out of one of his shirts today,” Ben smiles. “Really helps make me feel good inside.”

“Find a new job,” Poe says, standing up from the chair. “One that doesn’t involve working until 2 am, doing a kid’s homework, and making someone else cry in the same day.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Ben twists his fingers around the bottle in his hand. “We’ll see.”

***

Rey looks down at her phone to check the time. 10:37. She missed dinner with Kaydel and Rose. Not that either of them were surprised when she told them that she hadn’t been able to move enough things around to make it. Rey hates how predictable and unreliable she has become to her friends.

It will eventually be worth it. At least, she hopes that it will be worth it.

She has exactly $22 on her. All in quarters. It might be a little dramatic, but Rey feels justified every time she thinks of the way Ben had mentioned adding interest on to the amount.

Rey sees Ben as soon as she steps off the elevator. He has bright markers covering his desk and a giant poster board in front of him. Logically, she knows that he is probably working on his boss’s kid’s homework, and she is grateful at that moment that Amilyn doesn’t have kids and that those kinds of tasks aren’t even on Rey’s radar.

That doesn’t stop her from teasing him as she walks up to him.

“Making electricity out of lemons?” Rey asks, leaning over the desk a bit to get a look at what he is writing. “How original. I’m sure you’ll get first place with an idea like that.”

Ben turns his head to the slide and glares at her. “You’re late.”

“I was busy.”

“You’ll have to give me a minute to calculate the interest for your… what three hour delay.”

Rey rolls her eyes, reaching into her bag to pull out the bag of coins. Ben stares at the bag for a moment, before looking back at her. Rey smiles, carefully stacking up the quarters until there are twenty two even piles covering his desk.  “$22 exactly. You’ll have to sue me for the interest.”

“Quarters?” Ben looks down at the coins on his desk again. His face is annoyingly void of any outrage or shock, but his voice sounds lower than it had been before. “I should sue you for being a nuisance.”

“You didn’t state any terms as to the payment method beyond cash.” Rey’s smile grows as she watches him begin to slide the coins into a drawer. 

“I suppose I made a mistake not clarifying that by cash I meant dollar bills,” Ben admits. “But I also mentioned interest and you had no problem ignoring that, so I’m sure you’d have ignored that part too.”

“Probably,” Rey agrees. “Consider it your good luck that I didn’t have enough pennies to make it work that way.”

“Oh and I’m supposed to believe you had 88 quarters just lying around your place?” Ben finishes clearing off the quarters from his desk and closes the drawer. 

“No, I only had two dollars worth of quarters that I could find. I went to the bank for the other twenty.”

“Of course you did.” Ben laughs, shaking his head. “Next time I’ll be more specific.

Rey drops the empty bag into the garbage can next to her feet. “What makes you think there’ll be a next time?”

“Just a feeling.” Ben turns around in his chair, opening a cabinet door on the desk that ran along the wall behind him. He pulls out a bottle of alcohol. “Drink?”

“I’m still working.”

“It’s past ten,” Ben points out, setting the bottle on his desk. “Have anything better to do right now anyway?”

Rey doesn’t. She really doesn’t. Amilyn is going to be on this phone call for at least another hour and then she will either go home or start reviewing some of the submissions that have been stacking up in her email.

One drink really wouldn’t hurt. Ben’s smiling at her and it’s a little unfair that someone as annoying and frustrating as he has been is also very attractive at the same time.

“I guess not,” Rey says, sitting down in the chair on the other side of Ben’s desk. “But just one drink.”

***

Ben doesn’t say anything as Rey reaches for the bottle, pouring what he is pretty sure is her third drink into her cup. It’s well after midnight at this point, and neither Snoke or Rey’s boss had called for them or needed anything.

It’s nice, talking to Rey. She’s cute and passionate when she talks about her job. Her face is a little flushed from the alcohol. Ben can’t quite remember the last time he just talked to someone that he wasn’t related to or wasn’t Poe.

“Anyways, that’s what I want to do,” Rey continues, and Ben tries to remember what she had been talking about before he got lost in his own thoughts. “I want to write articles that matter. The ones that people read and are inspired to do something because of it.”

“Have you submitted any articles to your boss?” Ben asks.

“No,” Rey holds onto the vowel for a few seconds and shakes her head. “I haven’t, God, I haven’t actually written anything since I graduated. I never have time. Amilyn’s schedule isn’t very forgiving. When I’m not working, I normally just want to sleep. Or to have a conversation with someone who can’t just tell me what to do and expect me to do it. I don’t even know what it is like to have a social life anymore. I think this is the longest conversation I’ve had in months.”

“Same,” Ben gives her a small smile. “I was just thinking that. My days and nights consist of making Snoke’s life easier and doing what he wants. It doesn’t even feel like my life anymore.”

“I can’t believe I’m about to admit this,” Rey squints her eyes at Ben, as if she’s sizing him up. She takes another drink from her cup. “Sometimes I wish Amilyn had a… fuck, I wish she had a life. A boyfriend? More family events or friend events to attend? But she has been avoiding them for reasons I’m not going to even get into, but God, I just imagine all of the things I could do if she were busy doing things that aren’t work.”

“You could go on a date,” Ben responds, tipping his cup toward her.

“A date,” Rey huffs, shaking her head. “I can’t even think of the last time I went on a date. I can’t even make dinner with my roommate to celebrate her engagement.”

Rey looks down at her cup, watching the liquid move around as she swirled the glass. “Engagement,” Rey repeats, eyes wide. “I have no idea what I’m going to do to be able to make it to all of the events. I don’t think Amilyn is going to care that I have an engagement party to go to if it doesn’t fit into her schedule.”

“Snoke is the same way,” Ben taps a finger on the desk. “I missed my parents 30th anniversary a few months ago. I asked for it off and everything. I was almost out the door when Snoke grabbed me and said he needed an analysis on some new proposal he received and his normal analyst wasn’t answering his phone, and he told me to do it.”

“I get it,” Rey nods. “It sucks, but I get it.”

“You’d think we’d be able to do something about it,” Ben points out, his eyebrows knitting while he thinks. “I have access to basically Snoke’s entire life. I’m assuming it’s the same with you and Amilyn?” He pauses and waits for Rey’s response, she nods and he continues. “So in theory we should be able to coordinate their schedules to give us a break?”

Rey tilts her head to the side as she ponders what Ben is saying. “I mean, you’re right. In theory that would work. But I have to be available for all things scheduled that are work related, and Amilyn doesn’t have much of a personal life these days.”

Rey sits up straighter, her eyes widening slightly, a devious smile pulling at her lips. “Ben. The answer is so obvious.”

“The answer?” Ben asks with a small chuckle. 

“To our problem,” Rey says as if it’s obvious. “We Cyrano them. It’s perfect. We know everything about them. We know their schedules, their favorite foods and restaurants. We know what drives them crazy and irritates them. We can do this. And then when they are with each other… we can be free, Ben.”

“I’m not sure I’m really following you here.”

“We set them up.” Rey rolls her eyes. “It’s the perfect plan.”

“You’re drunk,” Ben points out, nodding his head down to the mostly empty bottle between them. “That would never work.”

“You’re wrong,” Rey says with a pointed nod. “But even if you are right, which you are not, because you are wrong, what’s the harm in trying?”

Ben doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. He finishes his drink, setting his empty glass next to Rey’s. 

“Maybe,” Ben concedes, “What’s your plan exactly? I don’t know that Snoke and Amilyn have ever even met and they’ve worked in the same building for years.”

“Leave it to me,” Rey’s grin is big and wide. “I’ll come up with something.”

“I’m not saying I’m agreeing to do this,” Ben clarifies, watching as Rey stands up and stretches, her shirt pulling up slightly as she raised her arms. 

“I know,” Rey says, grabbing her bag. “But you will. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Rey places her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it gently before she walks past him and then she’s gone. 

Ben opens the drawer that they shoved the change into and he smiles to himself. He’s not quite sure what he’s getting himself into, but he does know that if Rey really does come up with an idea to set their bosses up, which is probably a really terrible idea, he’s not sure he’s going to be able to tell her no. 

***

Rey brings Ben coffee the next morning. She assumes he likes it black with too much sweetener, and when he smiles after his first drink Rey feels a little smug for being able to figure it out. 

“Let’s go for a walk.” Rey says, grabbing his free hand and tugging on it. “I have a plan.”

Ben let’s her pull at his hand and stands up from his desk. “I only have twenty minutes before Snoke’s meeting ends.”

“Perfect.” Rey drops his hand, blushing slightly as she walks in front of him toward the elevator. “Just enough time to get some steps added to Amilyn’s watch and to fill you in on my absolute amazing plan that you are definitely going to be impressed by and will agree to.”

Ben laughs, smiling as he gets into the elevator and stands next to Rey. “We’ll see.”

The sun is bright and the air is already warm when they step outside. Rey has to walk a little bit faster than normal to keep up with Ben’s long strides. 

“So, tell me about this plan that is apparently so wonderful that you’re absolutely sure I’ll agree to it.”

“Okay, so it’s the same plan as last night,” Rey admits, taking a drink of her tea. “But I’ve thought about it more and I know that we can do this.”

Ben sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t know, Rey. We can’t just magically make our bosses like each other.”

“Sure we can,” Rey argues. “We get them to meet. Then we listen to them and their cues and go from there. That’s the beauty of this, Ben, we will know if things are going a little wrong and can adjust the plan accordingly.”

Ben stops walking and looks down at her. “You really think this will work?”

“I do.”

“How do you propose we get them to meet?” Ben shakes his head as he asks the question and Rey can see the lingering doubt on his face.

“I… I haven’t quite figured that part out yet,” Rey responds, quickly holding her hand up as Ben opens his mouth, she assumes to argue with her. “But I’ve seen a lot of romantic comedies and I can figure this out. Just give me a minute.”

They start walking again, back toward the building. Rey finishes her tea and tosses it into a garbage can. 

“I’ve got it!” Rey exclaims, as they step into the elevator. “We just need to get them in a small space, stuck for a few minutes, so that they have to talk to one another.”

“And how do you think we will pull that off?” 

Rey shakes her head, glaring at him. “Why do I have to figure out all the details?”

“This is your crazy plan,” Ben points out, pressing the button for his floor, and then Rey’s. “I’m not even sure I’m fully on board.”

“You are,” Rey smiles. “So, help with some of the details already. Are there any rooms that lock from the outside? Maybe we can ask maintenance? Do you think they’d think that was weird?”

Ben laughs, tipping his head back against the elevator wall. 

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. “I hate that I have an idea. The elevator. If we can get them both in the elevator, we can get Creepy Threepio to stop it.”

“Creepy Threepio?” Rey asks, scrunching her nose up. “Who is Creepy Threepio?”

“He works in maintenance,” Ben laughs. “He’s, well, he’s a bit creepy. But I think he’d do it. I’ll ask him today and let you know what he says.”

“What did I tell you?” Rey beams at him as the doors to the elevator open. “You’re totally on board.”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Ben pinches the bridge of his nose. “But I’m willing to give it a shot.” 

Ben steps out of the elevator while holding his hand out to stop the doors from closing. “Hand me your phone so I can give you my number.”

Rey pulls her phone from her back jean pocket and unlocks it before handing it over to him. She watches as he puts in his number and hands the phone back to her.

“I’ll text you the details later,” he says, dropping his arm and the doors start to close. “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.”

The doors close and Rey grins sliding her phone back into her jeans. She can’t believe he agreed either.

[scifinal]

DW s12e10: It's Quite Unfortunate That This Child Keeps On Regenerating

It's only fitting that the first post on a blog called "SciFinal" should be about a season finale.

Not that fitting is the fact that in said post I'm going to begin where it all started for me.

Part One: How I Even Got into This Mess of a Show in the First Place

While I call myself a huge Doctor Who fan, even a – *gasp* – Whovian, I must admit I am not as familiar with the franchise as I would like to be; I've seen the new show, I've seen Torchwood (though, admittedly, I had to force myself to finish the fourth season – but that's a story for another day), I've listened to a handful of audio dramas (including Kaldor City, which I consider to be canon for both DW and Blake's 7) – mostly Torchwood audio dramas, but who cares, – I've read a couple of comics, I've got a novel or two somewhere on my bookshelf, I've seen the first couple of seasons of the classic show, but that's about it. I can't say I grew up with it – it wasn't on TV when I was a kid, there isn't an official Ukrainian dub, et cetera, et cetera. I first heard about it when I was about thirteen, when my classmate did a project about something they liked – and was pretty dismissive of my peers' hobbies at the time, believing myself to be somewhat above them, so I didn't pay much attention.

Then somebody finally pressured me into watching it (I believe I was fifteen or something back then) and I loved it. The first two episodes of the first season, I mean. I watched those, texted my friend something like "consider me a Whovian now!" and abandoned the show completely only to return to it maybe several years later.

I loved it. This time, for real.

Doctor Who has been with me ever since that time, it has a big soft spot reserved for each and every Doctor ever in my heart, and for each and every companion. I know full well it's cheesy, and it's stupid, and it's technobabble-y, and it's glorious in all of its cheesy technobabble-y stupidity.

And I hate this finale.

Part Two: Doctor, Why

I hate this finale – because I hate Chris Chibnall. Mind you, not the gentleman himself (I don't even know what he looks like, and I can't be bothered to Google), I hate what he did to Doctor Who.

Now, when it was revealed that the would replace Steven Moffat I felt... nothing. What did you expect? I had no idea who the man was. I know now he's made Broadchurch, and I know he wrote a bunch of stuff for Torchwood back in the day, including Cyberwoman. I had to drop Broadchurch because of how well-handled the depressing atmosphere was, and I love the flawed, dumb, sexy-cyber-bikinied, almost-fifteen-minutes-of-Ianto's-whining-including (I know because some time ago I literally cut almost every single moment of Gareth David-Lloyd whimpering, moaning, groaning, screaming, and mugging at the camera out of the episode and made those bits and pieces into a beautiful clip show called "I HATE THIS" to explain exactly why his face was and still is so punchable) mindless fun that is Cyberwoman (this is also one of the two episodes in which they actually do something fun with the pterodactyl living inside Torchwood's underground base). The latter also led to the creation of one amazing in how it develops Ianto's character audio drama entitled "Broken". I love Broken. I am now forcing you to look at its cover because of how much I love it.

Here we go. Now, back to the point of me rambling pointlessly

In his video "Sherlock Is Garbage, and Here's Why", a well-known YouTuber hbomberguy pointed out how Steven Moffat's problem is that he is more than capable of writing a good one-off episodes, but ultimately fails at managing multiple complex, overarching stories, as visible when you look at the difference between Moffat's individual episodes and his run on the show.

Now, I believe that Chris Chibnall suffers from the same affliction: he's a good screenwriter but a terrible, terrible showrunner. Sure, he's made Broadchurch, but Broadchurch, in its essence, was a complete singular story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. There were no bigger, incomplete arcs expanding at the expense of other episodes, and the show did exactly what it was originally designed to do: it told an uninterrupted story.

Here comes Chris Chibnall's run on Doctor Who.

Now, while Steven Moffat was ultimately not very good at managing overarching stories, he tried to do so nonetheless, and the fans seemed to like his attempts. And while I can't be sure as to whether it was Chris' original vision for the show or he and his co-writers were merely trying to emulate Moffat, he attempted the same. A friend of mine has even pointed out how, to her, it was painfully obvious how the writers of the finale were desperately trying to copy Moffat's style (to give you some context, she grasped it from a 30-second clip of the CyberMasters' reveal, and that clip basically consisted of me filming my laptop's screen and laughing at their design, making the video wobbly and the audio distorted). At the time of writing this post this friend hasn't seen a single episode of Chibnall's era and, as far as I know, has no wish to do so – mainly because of two reasons that both have something to do with the finale:

Somebody's already spoiled it for her, so who cares;

I ranted to her about how shit this finale is and now she hates everything about Chibnall era.

I am very sorry for the latter, since I genuinely believe there are some nice episodes in these seasons, and I especially like the "historical" ones, they really are quite a lot of fun, I like Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison fighting badly CG-ed alien scorpions, I love Lord Byron and Mary Shelley running around a haunted house trying to escape from a Cyberman (even though it's all too similar to the Agatha Christie episode from Russel T Davies' run), I adore that episode about Rosa P–– oh, wait, no, that one was crap and ripped off Blake's 7... Anyway, I love Jodie Whittaker's Doctor, I am a big fan of Graham, I like Ryan just fine, and I can put up with Yaz, even though it's been two seasons and I've still got no idea what's her personality supposed to be, and I absolutely love the new Master (he reminds me of a cute little pug with a big Tommy gun). There is plenty of good stuff in these two seasons, they are lots of fun to watch, but this finale... Oh god, this finale.

Part Three: We Had All of Time and Space at Our Fingertips and We Ended Up with This

We are getting to the point of this whole thing. I would love to begin with the obvious, the twist, but there's so much wrong with this who-cares-how-many-parter than this one big thing.

It is inept. It is impotent. It is incompetent. It is bad at almost everything except its okay camera work, somewhat good (for a British TV show, I mean) effects, and its really solid performances.

Its editing is tone-deaf to the extreme. There is a moment in the final episode where Ko Sharmas asks who will be the first to cross the Boundary and step into the unknown, and immediately it cuts to Yaz walking towards it, all fast and silent. I would love to show you a clip of it, but I don't have one and I can't force myself to download the episode and sit through this shitshow again just to present you with a ten-second clip. Nonetheless, that part is not edited like a dramatic moment. You edit comedies this way. Bad comedies. Bad editors edit bad comedies this way.

Its plot is incoherent. There are several plot threads in this finale, and they're managed in a way that doesn't make the viewer care about all of them at the same time, rather the viewer goes "oh, I've completely forgotten this was happening" and then, before they can even begin to care, the show cuts to something else. It's all over the place and oh so annoying.

The plot armour is painfully obvious despite every attempt to disguise it. There wasn't a single, solitary second when I believed the Doctor was really going to sacrifice herself and, lo and behold, here comes the old guy ex machina to do it for her. The only questions I was asking at that moment were "How are the writers going to prevent the Doctor's death now that they've seemingly created themselves a way to go on forever?" and "How can Whittaker care so much about her performance in this scene she's literally almost crying?". I wholeheartedly related to the Master asking "So why are we still here?" and shout–– hiss–– mumbl–– whatever-ing "Come on, come on, come on!" – at that point I've suffered through at least forty-five minutes of utter nonsense, people going preachy, religious Cybermen with Dalek motivations, that absolutely ludicrous scene in the previous episode when the show was trying its worst to make me perceive autonomous flying Cyber-heads with laser eyes as a serious threat, a shit twist and... Oh.

I've got to finally touch on the shit twist, haven't I?

It doesn't make sense. No, I mean it. I guess it makes sense from the show's writers' standpoint to retcon everything in a way that would allow them to go on forever without having to come up with a way to circumvent limited regenerations, yes. And I won't be touching upon all the lore people say this twist has ruined. No. It doesn't make sense as it is.

The twist is revealed to us by a madman that claims to have hacked into a database, claims to possess control over the Doctor's mind, and gives the Doctor and the audience no actual solid proof that the Timeless Child is, indeed, the Doctor. We have Ruth, sure, and she's nice enough (damn, I want that vest), and she's a Timelord that happens to own a TARDIS that looks like a blue police telephone box, and she calls herself the Doctor. Here's Ruth:

I really like Ruth. She also makes no sense from the show's timeline standpoint, since the Doctor's Type 40 TARDIS only got stuck looking like a police box in 1963, so there's no reason for the Doctor to not remember being her.

We also know that the Judoon have identified Ruth as "the Fugitive"... except in one of their previous appearances in the show they weren't able to identify their targets exactly and thus were seeking out non-humans. There is a possibility that they were only looking for a Time Lord on Earth.

You know what? It's possible that Ruth is actually the Master messing with the Doctor. I have just as much proof of this as I have of the fact that the Doctor is some kind of an endlessly regenerating superbeing.

But this is not the most maddening thing here. I loathe it, but I don't loathe the twist itself: I loathe its lifelessness, I loathe how empty, how unemotional, almost robotic it feels. When somebody'd spoiled the finale for me, I got angry, and I started asking questions, and when later I saw the actual thing...

This gif. I can't even explain how accurate it is. I stood there, in the middle of my kitchen, episode paused, holding a cup of cold tea and desperately looking around as if in my surroundings I could somehow find that emotional reaction that this show failed to evoke. I was ready to burst into tears of how empty it felt, and how empty I felt, and how the same show that has Christopher Eccleston go from literally foaming at the mouth with pure hatred to shocked silence in a matter of second because of one sentence that you, a viewer, can't help but be astonished by failed to make me feel the tiniest speck of literally any emotion. And slowly, I felt that vast void in my chest fill with sheer, pure, flaming hatred for the person who made me feel nothing, for the story that left me not bored – but empty.

And the next moment, in its own unique way of being absolutely tone-deaf, the show introduces the CyberMasters, looking ridiculous, being asinine in concept, making me burst into laughter with their dumb design. Wow.

So.

Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who is no longer a show. Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who isn't even, as somebody on Stardust said, a fan fiction. It's a rollercoaster. A lackluster rollercoaster that lifts you from the vast caverns of frozen hell, devoid of any life whatsoever, soulless and abandoned, to the heavenly torture of being so bad, so utterly awful and ridiculous, that you can't help but laugh as you watch something you used to love be distorted and deformed to the point where you can't recognise it anymore nor really care. This is what Chris Chibnall's Doctor Who has become. And I'm going to continue my ride on that grotesque rollercoaster. I'm going to pirate that ride and get on it again. Because I'm a masochist. Because I want to feel something, even if it's hatred towards those that make me feel nothing.

Because some time ago my fifteen-year-old self watched the first season and learned a lesson that I hold dear after all these years – that I can't abandon hope, and that someday, somehow, things are going to get better. That the future is being written right now. That the future can change.

[readingshenaniganss]

They Both Die In The End

First on the list of books I read back in June but didn't actually write about, They Both Die At the End by Adam Silvera.

So I expected something titled like this to not be an exactly happy book. I was prepared for that. I however was not expecting it to reach straight into my chest, rip out my heart, then make direct eye contact as it crushed my still beating heart.

I loved it.

And yes, I know I’m late to the party, okay! But when I had heard about this book back when it first came out it sounded like an interesting but potentially devastating read and I wasn’t in the mood for trauma. So I didn’t immediately pick it up. I just went ‘oh yeah, I’ll definitely read that at some point.’ Cut to June of this year when I decided to start this blog, and I was browsing the ebooks my library had for queer books. I went ‘Oh yeah, this book! I meant to read this. When did it come out again? Oh dear gods, 2017… Yeah, you can come out of TBR hell.’

So for those who are also late to the party like I was, They Both Die at The End is a YA novel by Adam Silvera. It takes place in a world that is almost exactly like our world, except for one small detail. On the day you’re supposed to die, you get a call to tell you that fun fact about yourself. No information on how you die or exactly when you’re going to die that day, just that in the next 24 hours you will die. And on September 5th Mateo and Rufus, two total strangers, both get the call that makes their worlds collide.

This book was such a fantastic and wonderful read. I don’t even know if I have any complaints about it. Besides did it have to attack me like that but that’s besides the point.

They Both Die at The End was such a lovely, thought provoking read that I will highly recommend to everyone to be traumatized by. It’s a multiple POV story that never had me annoyed at the switch in perspective, had world building that was logical to how humans would react to this piece of technology being introduced to our lives, and was just in general a wonderful snapshot of people and what makes us tick.

Mateo is our first character we’re introduced to. He’s an anti-social nerd who likes living in his little bubble, but wants to try to break out and be someone else on his End Day. Rufus is a more adventurous person who due to a slew of bad circumstances has ended up with no one to be there for him on his last day. So the two both download the app Last Friend to find someone to spend their last day with.

Rufus I didn’t originally like just because he came off as an arrogant and self-centred person. But by the next chapter or two from his perspective you pretty much realize that our intro to him is him at his lowest, which he fully admits. It actually made me appreciate our intro to him because of this duality. I also won’t say he’s exactly a daredevil, throw himself into any situation out there kind of person, because he wasn’t. He was maybe a little more out there then the average person, but otherwise not the craziest thing to happen, which I felt was good. It wasn’t like the two had to meet for a chasm, more like a big river. Tough, but doable.

The two were a bit of a mismatch pair though, and I don’t know if I exactly saw the likelihood of them developing feelings for each other by the end of the story. That said I was still happy to see it cause once they were together they were cute. Also the two definitely went through more than enough together that while the personalities were a bit mismatched, I’m sure trauma bonding was more than enough to create fertile grounds for feelings that allowed them to get together. Plus they were on a timeline so not like there were a super lot of options.

I want to take a second to talk about the multiple POV’s that popped up in this book. I went in expecting it to be a to just be a dual perspective, but instead found numerous. This is a very risky move for me, as for many others, as you risk annoying the reader by ripping them out of one narrative to toss them into a completely different one. This did not make me feel that. Instead it made me appreciate all the different stories and how Silvera masterfully created a tapestry where they all connected to each other, from major events to the little ones that only gently brushed up against each other, making up the backgrounds of each other's stories. It captured both the experience of living in a bigger city where the population means there are going to people who you maybe meet briefly who you have no impact on their lives, you just make up the scenery. And others who, even though an interaction can be brief, it can change your day or evening you life.

I could maybe make a post just about that aspect, but I’ll control myself.

One of the things I do want to talk about is just that I was very intrigued to see not only the integration of the Deathcast, the name of the company calls people to ‘herald’ their deaths, but also the lack of focus on it. In this world this technology has only been around for a little under a decade, so it’s interesting to see how this world has adapted to it. There are hashtags for it, services designed specifically for people who have one last day, and apps. Our two characters meet through Last Friend, essentially a tinder account but for friends who want don’t want to spend their last day alone but may not have anyone near them.

But this story never explains how this techonology came about, how it works, nothing. Several characters even bring up the question of how this is even possible, but it’s never even hinted at. The most we get are the type of conspiracy theories friends make hanging out on a Friday night. Because the story doesn’t care about that. It’s not a sci-fi novel trying to unravel the great mysteries of the universe. It’s just a story about people.

I loved that Silvera really thought about how people would react to this new world, because he really thinks about all of it. The funny, ridiculous bits, like people using Last Friend to see if anyone wants to give their stuff away because it’s not like their going to use it, right? The hateful bits, where when someone gets the bad news they decide to make it everyone's problem. Even the cynicall, as we see from one woman how to get through her job at Deathcast where she gives people the bad news she admits that every person she calls she no longer thinks as a person, cause they’ll be dead soon anyway. And the wonderful bits, where people decide to still try to reach out and be there for people, like Gabriella, a girl who constantly uses the Last Friend app to be a spot of comfort for people’s End Day.

One of the last things I’ll note about this book is just how much it can get you to think and to wonder. About how people react and handle the news, about what our world would like like if this happened, about the possibility of it. For me though, my biggest question was is this a good thing? This story made no joke about pointing out how once people got the news they would then do things they wouldn’t normally do, in which case, was they’re death absolute? Or could it have been avoided? Some people do crazy things their last day, which then causes their death. Some people stay home to avoid the outside world, but then when they would have been out at work or school is when they’re home when an electrical problem happens at home and causes a fire.

The ending was brutal because of this, because if the two main characters had lived their lives as they normally would they wouldn’t have died. But then they wouldn’t have met at all, which they both said made the day worth it for each other. It leads to the question is it worth it if you get one day to be your authentic and realest self in such a way you never would have in the first place? For our protagonists, the answer is yes.

Silvera didn’t have to attack me like that though.

My last point is just that I really loved this book because of how much it seemed to be a love story not about the two main characters, but about human nature in generally. About how messy, caring, angry, depressed, loving, hateful, and hopeful people can be. It’s probably one of the reasons I like the POV’s instead of hating it. Silvera knows what the focus of his story is and that’s people. Ridiculous, despicable, wonderful people.

10/10 and a tissue box

As a side note, he has written a prequel that comes out this October and I’m not ready to be traumatized by this man again.