#fully accepting the fact that I’ll be single for the rest of my life lmao

[bass-alien]

.

[notanacousticsetcal]

run to you - luke hemmings

summary - luke realizes his feelings for you after tragedy strikes and all he wants to do is run to you. 

warnings - nerves, grief, mention of a car accident

word count - 1.7k

a/n - i dont know what this is or if i like it but if it does well i’ll make a part 2 lmao

Copyright © 2020 @notanacousticsetcal. All rights reserved.

The icy glass of the passenger window was cold against your forehead and you felt the soft hum of the car vibrate against your skin. The snow was starting to stick to the concrete outside and you felt the urge to jump out of the car and make snow angels.

Anxiety and nerves continued to swell in the pit of your stomach as Maya drove, bringing you closer and closer to the very last place you wanted to be. 

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. You did want to see your friends. You hadn’t seen Ash, Mike or Cal in several months due to the circumstances and you also had isolated yourself from your other friends, Maya being pretty much the only person you talked to consistently. Maya was actually bringing you closer and closer to the very last person you wanted to see.

He’d probably be with his new girlfriend, looking all smug and cocky, and you’d be glued to Maya’s side all night, trying not to make eye contact with him or the thin model he had on his arm. 

“We’re here.” Maya pulled you abruptly out of your thoughts and you realized that the car had, in fact, stopped and you would have to get out and face everyone in a minute. 

Maya saw the worry in your eyes and gave your arm a squeeze. “Doll, you got this, alright? You look hot and you're gonna go in there and show Luke what he coulda had, okay?”

You sighed and looked up at Maya with glassy eyes. “I don’t know if I can face him, M.”

“Oh sweetie.” She tugged you quickly into a tight hug and scolded softly into your ear. “He’s not worth any more tears. I know you’re ready for this and I’ll be right there with you the entire time.” She pulled away from you, her hands still gripping your shoulders. “Alright?’

You nodded in understanding and blinked away your tears. You pulled down the sun visor to give yourself one last look and took a deep breath. You got this.

The snow crunched softly under your booties as you approached the front door. Bile began to rise in your throat and your palms got all sweaty but you kept your face stoic and calm. He would not get the satisfaction of seeing you flustered. 

Maya lifted a ring clad hand and gave a few strong knocks before someone called “coming!”

Excitement swelled in you because you knew who that voice belonged to. 

A tall brunette with soft, brown puppy eyes opened the door, beer in hand. “You guys made it!” Calum tugged you in by your shoulders, wrapping you in the biggest bear hug you’d ever experienced. “I missed you, tiny.”

“Cal, I missed you too. So much.” He felt you sniffle and immediately pulled you away from him, concern written on his face. 

“Hey! No tears on New Years.” He immediately began to chuckle to himself.

You stared at him, trying to appear unimpressed and hiding the smile fighting it's way onto your face. “You’re laughing because you rhymed, aren’t you.”

He nodded softly and pulled you under his arm, guiding you and Maya through the door.

“Look who’s here!” Cal smiled proudly, presenting you and Maya to the crowd and you blushed a deep shade of red, hiding your face in Calum’s chest.

Mike immediately engulfed your smaller figure into a giant hug and rambled on about how much he missed you and Crystal kept trying to fight for her turn. You wrapped your arms tightly around her and apologized for not being around as much anymore and then you felt even worse when she started crying, but she insisted that it wasn’t a big deal, she just missed you. 

Next came Ash and KayKay who each gave you warm and welcoming hugs and you talked to them for a while, catching up on their lives and letting them in a little on yours. They insisted that you and Maya get coffee with them sometime and you agreed, so happy that they didn’t take your leave of absence personally. You didn’t want them to feel caught in the middle or that they had to choose between you and Luke once things had escalated 6 months ago. 

You greeted the rest of the party, your eyes finally landing on Luke only to find he was already staring at you. You immediately looked down and then cursed yourself for being so passive.

6 months ago, you confessed your feelings for Luke in Michael’s backyard at a party and nothing had been the same since. You were so sure he felt the same way but as soon as the words came out of your mouth, he clammed up and stopped talking to you. It was some of the worst pain you’d ever felt. Not only the pain of rejection from someone you had romantic feelings for, but also the pain of losing your best friend. 

You had gotten a good look at the girl tucked under his arm. She had shorter blonde hair and tanned skin and the build of a Victoria’s Secret model. A stereotypically gorgeous girl -- the type you often compared yourself to. It made you think about all the things she had that you didn’t. Luke picked her over you.

About 2 hours into the night -- it was close to 9 now -- you sat on the couch with Maya watching Ashton act something out in charades. 

Luke’s phone starts ringing from across the room. You know it's his because his ringtone is spongebob music. He sits up, pushing the blonde girls legs off of his lap and excusing himself to take the call. He seemed concerned, but you told yourself it wasn’t your job to worry about him anymore. 

About 20 minutes had gone by and Luke hadn’t returned which was a little worrisome. 

You sat up from the couch and grabbed your glass to go get a refill from the kitchen, attempting to push Luke out of your mind.

“Want anything?” You asked Maya. She shook her head, “I’m good, thanks.”

You padded down the hall, your feet bare, and grabbed the wine bottle left open on the counter. The red liquid slowly funneled out of the glass and you practically jumped out of your skin when you saw Luke standing in the doorway. You had to stop yourself from looking down at his black button up or the patch of exposed pale skin peaking through the unbuttoned top of it. 

You were trying to decide whether to scold him for scaring you or ignore him when you noticed how puffy and red his eyes were and how empty he looked. 

“Hi…” You said, not really sure how else to approach this situation. He was really worrying you. 

Luke ran a hand through his hair and approached the island. With a screech, he pulled one of the stools out and plopped himself down on it. His head immediately fell into his hands and he let out an exasperated groan, shaking his head slowly back and forth. 

You stood there, uncomfortable and in shock, without a single clue on what to do with the sad boy in front of you. It didn’t feel right to leave him there after he approached you first so you stood there awkwardly, taking a big swig of the fresh red wine in your glass to fight the anxious ramble you were sure to let out soon if he didn’t say anything. 

After a minute of painful silence, Luke picked his head up and looked at you. Because he was so close, you could really see his pink tear stained cheeks and his glassy eyes. You tried to ignore how your heart broke for him -- you were supposed to be over him.

“Just got a call from my mum,” he said. His throat bobbed and he licked his lips. 

You gave him a quizzical look, expecting him to continue.

“My uh -- god.” Luke shook his head and gripped his hair tightly. He sucked in a sharp breath. “My brother, Ben, and his wife got in a car accident about an hour ago.” 

You gasped, clapping a hand to your mouth. You had met Ben several times since you and Luke had known each other. Always a kind soul and the life of the party. “Oh my god. Is he alright?”

Luke’s bottom lip began to quiver and he pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and middle finger. You could tell it was taking everything in him to hold his composure. “He’s in a coma. They don’t know if or when he’ll come out of it.” 

Without a second thought, you practically ran around the island to Luke and pulled him tightly into a hug. He melted into you, both his arms folding over your shoulders and his face tucking into the crook of your neck. Immediately, your shirt began to dampen with the tears he stopped trying to hold back and you ran your hands up and down his back soothingly. “I’m so, so sorry, Lu.” There was nothing you could say to make his hurt go away, all you could do was be there.

He tried to keep his sobs quiet so the others wouldn’t come looking, but even his soft cries were the most tortured sounds you’d ever heard. Hearing his pain brought tears to your eyes.

“Lu, god, Lu, I’m so sorry,” you repeated, holding his head and placing a kiss on his shoulder.

After a few minutes, his sobs ceased and he began to pull back from you, sniffling. You handed him a tissue and he gladly accepted, giving you the most genuine smile he could muster in the moment. 

“I’m sorry for unloading that on you.” He kicked his feet under the counter distractedly. 

You shook your head. “You don’t need to apologize.” 

Luke laughed bitterly. “Yeah, yeah I do. What I did to you… I regret it every single day.”

You shifted your feet uncomfortably. “We don’t have to talk about that.”

“Yes, yes we do. Because… because I lost my best friend.” You looked down at your fingers and fiddled with your rings anxiously. “Now might not be the most ideal time to say this, but I feel like I have to. Not only did I lose my best friend… but I’ve always loved you too. My feelings for you are so strong that my first instinct was to run. I was afraid of losing myself in you. Or the kind of heartbreak I’d experience if I ever lost you. But not trying is so much worse and I know that now.” Luke bit his lip. “I love you. And I don’t think I even fully realized it until 20 minutes ago when I got the worst news I’ve probably ever received in my life... and the first thing I wanted to do was run to you.”

[pumpkinpaix]

老师好！Thank you for writing! i found you through your MDZS story and i really adore your insightful writings about the show. In my opinion, i even think the show is better than the novel in their presentation of WX relationship ~ ! it feels more natural and less pandering. Another essay suggestion for you if you want to write --- In the show, who do you think fell in love first in WX? When were the "turning points" when they realized?

sldjfslikl first of all anon, it’s WILD that anyone would address me as 老师 and i’m simultaneously flattered and gobsmacked. (i’m really really really not qualified to be called 老师 friend—thank you, like, a lot?? but yeah, i gotta say i’m not that cool) thank you for reading my fic and liking it and apparently my one meta enough to come talk to me!! also, SORRY this took approximately a million years i’ve been working on it on/off for like. two weeks. (@the other anon who also requested meta—pls forgive me im really doing my best apparently these take a lot out of me)

confession: I wrote a WHOLE ADDITIONAL essay in response to your opinion about show vs. novel that i ultimately decided to cut because it flies a little too close to the discourse sun and you didn’t ask for that hahaha. if it turns out you are interested in it, feel free to hmu and i can post it (though i’ll probably try to keep it out of the tags for my own mental health’s sake im not cut out for this lmao)

that all being said, who do I think fell in love first? it was definitely lan wangji, and it was right here:

[id: screenshot of lan wangji watching wei wuxian making a wish to “protect the weak and curb the strong, with a clear conscience for all my life” from episode 7 of the untamed drama. wei wuxian’s eyes are closed, his hands clasped. lan wangji looks on with a surprised tenderness. /end id]

I think it’s safe to say that he already finds wei wuxian attractive/intriguing (see: his reaction to wei wuxian drawing his portrait, tying the lan ribbon around their wrists, the PEAK gay panic in his voice when wei wuxian trips and falls on top of him), but this is the first moment he’s really moved by him. up until this point, wei wuxian has been teasing, immature, A Nuisance™, too clever for his own good, troublemaker energy personified etc but he hasn’t ever revealed his deeper moral values in front of lan wangji—and he does it like this, without pretension, without irony. He doesn’t spend his wish on something frivolous or material: he wishes to be able to do good for all his life, to be righteous, to be kind. it’s the wish he makes for both of them. “the promise we made together all those years ago,” as he says, half a lifetime later.

like just. imagine, for a moment, being lan wangji, whose whole world is being constantly challenged and needled by this unfairly attractive, chaotic bastard and then he just comes out of left field with this. I think this is where lan wangji first recognizes himself in wei wuxian—that at their core, they share their most important values.

look what i’m saying is this is where I fell in love with wei wuxian.

(sidenote: I really think a lot of the tragedy of mdzs/the untamed is stems from this moment. wei wuxian fails, over and over and over, even when his wish never changes, even when all he ever wanted was to do good without fear.)

i had to think for a really long time to try and decide which moments i wanted to talk about on wei wuxian’s part, because i don’t think he’s nearly as easy to pinpoint. lan wangji falls in love like a lightning strike, but wei wuxian’s love is something that grows so slowly, i don’t think he realizes what it is until pretty late in the game.

so let’s begin with this moment on phoenix mountain:

[id: screenshot of lan wangji and wei wuxian facing each other on phoenix mountain from episode 25 of the untamed drama. lan wangji is waiting expectantly for an answer, having just asked, “what am i to you?”, hand behind his back. wei wuxian is holding his flute, expression complicated and uncertain. /end id]

this is the first time i think wei wuxian is asked directly to label his feelings about lan wangji, and he says, “i once thought of you as a lifelong, intimate friend.” and when lan wangji presses, “and now?”, he doesn’t respond.

two episodes later, when wei wuxian is taking the wen refugees out of their prison camp and lan wangji appears before him, I think he has some kind of answer to lan wangji’s question:

[id: screenshot from episode 27 of the untamed drama. wei wuxian holds out chenqing before him in challenge to lan wangji, who is offscreen. he is smiling, just slightly, resigned and fond and terribly sad. /end id]

“if there really must be a battle between me and them, then I would rather fight to the death with you. if i must die, then at least i would like to die by hanguang-jun’s hand. it wouldn’t be an injustice.”

if that isn’t some kind of confession, I don’t really know what is.

but it’s too late—he’s now a defector in the eyes of the four sects. lan wangji lets him go and wei wuxian rides away. the remainder of his first life, that’s how things stand. even through everything with a’yuan, the final massacre at the nightless city—even though there’s something really meaningful there between them, it’s all tinged with a sense of impossibility, you know? there’s no outcome where they can resolve it happily. wei wuxian has gone too far down that single-plank bridge.

the first moment i think wei wuxian has to confront the unresolved and unsaid things between him and lan wangji comes when lan wangji gets drunk that one night and tells him, “i have regret.”

“what regret?”

“that at the nightless city, I did not stand beside you.”

[id: screenshot of wei wuxian looking at lan wangji (offscreen) with tears in his eyes as the full realization of what lan wangji just drunkenly confessed hits him from episode 36 of the untamed drama. /end id]

“so all this time, you’ve been searching for me?”

earlier i said can you imagine being lan wangji for a sec, and i’m gonna say it again except god. can you. IMAGINE being wei wuxian in this moment. finding out that this person that you maybe suspected you had deeper feelings for but never acted on has spent the entire sixteen years of your death searching for you, regretting that he didn’t stand with you before you died? a regret that he’s been carrying in secret, alone, for sixteen years?? that’s A Lot to unpack.

however, I don’t think wei wuxian really, fully understands and accepts how he feels and how lan wangji feels in return, how far they’re both willing to go until episode 42, at the confrontation at jinlingtai.

[id: two screenshots from episode 42 of the untamed drama, right after lan wangji takes a stand beside wei wuxian against the four sects. image 1 is lan wangji smiling at wei wuxian: he is gentle and sure. image 2 is wei wuxian smiling back at him, eyes red-rimmed and wet. /end id]

even though lan wangji has been walking with him since dafan shan, he’s been doing it with a plausible deniability. and here, when wei wuxian is trying to give him an out, lan wangji puts everything he has on the line so that he can clearly stand with wei wuxian, without dissembling, without hesitation. “the feeling of of walking on a single-plank bridge into the dark truly is no worse.”

lan wangji is finished with regrets.

“it’s just funny, that’s all,” wei wuxian says, “back when the whole world flattered me with praise, you were the only one who would scold me. but now that everyone is calling for my death, all hating and condemning me, you’re nevertheless the only one standing by my side.”

i think after that, for all the remaining episodes, there’s an unspoken commitment between the two of them that underpins the rest of their interactions, which I think I can say without reservation that I like more than how it played out in the novel. EDIT 16 APR 2020: I changed my mind a while ago, ahaha. Turns out, I don’t prefer CQL over MDZS. I love them both so much. ;A; there’s something really profound about it, the trust in their unlabelled relationship. it really feels like the inexorable culmination of two adults in their mid-thirties coming together after falling in love for almost twenty years. there’s a maturity to it that isn’t present in the way the novel does the confession (which does have its own disaster energy™ charm) that I think highlights the fact that they love each other, not just because they admire each other, not just because they’re attracted to one another, but because they understand each other—because when they look at each other, they also see themselves.

[ancient-day]

not the one who asked but oh PLEASE go on a rant about okumura, that pissed me off so bad how the game made him a victim and i never see anyone point it out

I’m gonna hope people don’t bring it up because we’re mostly in agreement that he was a shitty person, but I’ll definitely break it down to the best of my ability. Keep in mind that I’m not as articulate about the business end of his atrocities, but I’ll sure try my damnest.

So I think it’s impossible to overlook the fact that he took advantage of Shido’s mental shutdown / rampage incident business, and I don’t personally care if he knew or not that a teenager was carrying out these hits because the fact of the matter is that he probably didn’t care either, and it was through his will that his rivals and competitors were targeted and either killed or forced into scandal. I don’t think I need to elaborate on why this is just horrible, and it’s no surprise to me that Goro laughed and shot him twice for good measure.

He prioritizes profit over the well-being of his employees, literally working them to death, and viewing them as completely disposable without a single care. Their working conditions are abysmal, and they’re not even seen as human. We see the congnitions of his employees break down, accept their horrible treatment, and succumb to being overworked to death as a means of fueling the company. Haru herself says this is unforgivable and that she would not forgive him for viewing and treating his employees this way.

Now onto Sugimura because this is fucking disgusting. It’s already bad enough to treat your child like a tool and marry them off without an ounce of care for their own desires, but Okumura makes it even worse by willingly marrying her off to a pedophile. Okumura knows Sugimura is a creep. He’s fully aware. This is made clear in his palace when cognitive!Sugimura makes the comment: “a highschool fiancee, what a turn on!” And shadow!Okumura even says he’s totally fine just letting Sugimura have her as his sexual plaything without even marrying her. This alone is unforgivable, and personally I wanted that man dead on the spot lmao but good thing he only gets worse.

We see how he treats Haru in reality, controlling her and taking away any ounce of freedom over her own life she might still have. And then we also see him manipulate her just before the boss fight. He’s already treated his workers and his family this horribly, and then it’s revealed that this man wants to get into politics? That’s just a whole mess of fear and disgust I can barely tolerate touching.

I’d say that’s all, but this is probably my absolute favorite thing Atlus did. Now, in the dancing game, they had the opportunity to have Haru’s claims that he used to be better hold up to something. They had the chance to let her talk about him in a positive light so maybe we could actually buy that he wasn’t so bad. But what did they do instead? They had Haru discuss how her father neglected her and completely killed her love of ballet when she was a child. He encouraged the hobby just so he could brag about it to his friends, and he hardly if ever attended her recitals. She quit because it broke her heart.

Haru throughout the rest of the game tries to act like her father was a sweet man in the past, but there is no evidence to actually back that up. Had Atlus actually wanted to write him as a victim, he should’ve actually had moments of kindness like how Sae, despite already being distorted and having a palace, was acting with Makoto the night of the heist (smiling, promising to go to a hot springs together, giving light to who she maybe used to be). Instead, all we get is evidence that he was a selfish man who had no qualms with sentencing other people to death or dooming his own daughter to a life of abuse and suffering for his own personal gain.

The man who escaped death in Maruki’s reality wasn’t Kunikazu. That was just a wish of the man Haru wishes he would have been. His characterization doesn’t align with anything we’ve been told about the man, and I do not believe for a minute that Kunikazu was a decent person. I almost have to wonder if Haru has maybe mixed up her memories of her grandfather with her actual father, and that’s what lead to this claim because her grandfather was the kind man who loved cooking and valued the well-being of others above profit all his life. Kunikazu was never like that.

So anyway yeah, no amount of Haru mourning is gonna make me feel an ounce of pity for this guy. I believe she’s allowed to mourn, and I really hope that she’ll come around and accept that the person she remembers probably never really existed because his treasure was a model kit he wanted when he was a child, so this distortion has been present for a sizable chunk of his life, even before she was born. It makes sense for his daughter to have complicated feelings, but as a player, I genuinely do not understand at all how anyone could pity this man. He ordered others to die for his burger business, and we’re supposed to be surprised when he gets killed off?

Goro’s my goddamn hero lmao fuck that dude.

tldr; Okumura is anime Jeff Bezos, gladly sold his daughter off to a pedophile, never actually loved her or anyone but himself, and he took advantage of hiring a teenage hitman to dispose of his competition. Nothing about this man is pitiable, and he got what was coming to him.

[purplesurveys]

581

Where did you get the pants you are wearing from? They’re my sister’s; I borrowed them for the semester because these shorts are conducive for my PE classes, but since we already finished the class last week I should probs give it back to her soon. Do you find smoking unattractive? I used to, but now I can’t really say that I hate it. Have your parents ever searched your personal belongings? They did, back in Grade 6. They took away two of my very private diaries and ever since then I never wrote down my thoughts in a notebook. I never did get the two back. Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? I thought I could, then my friends made me try a margarita a month after I turned 18 hahaha. Is there someone you'll never forget? There are loads of people I haven’t and will never forget; this is a very broad question.

Do you miss someone right now? Yes. Last time you were on the phone? Just to use it? Maybe some four minutes ago. But the last time I was on a call – if that’s what you meant – was last night. Do you get distracted easily? Yeup. Earlier I was doing a reading, picked up my phone for a short break, then never realized I was on my phone for the next two hours. Have your parents ever caught you drinking? They never ‘caught’ me; whenever I do drink I let them know/ask permission. I respect them enough to do that because I know how alcohol had nearly ruined our family in the past. Do you think flirting is cheating? Uhhhhhhh yes. Do you hate the last girl, other than family, you had a conversation with? I could never hate Gab. Who was the last person you sat next to in a car with? It was my brother.  Is your room messy or clean? Fairly clean. I had a general cleaning of my room not too long ago. Do you drink tea? Not the hot or herbal kind. I only have iced tea occasionally. Wish you could be somewhere else right now? Sort of? Kind of? Idk it’s either way. I’m content that I’m home but I wouldn’t mind being out drinking right now too. What are you listening to right now? I can only hear the electric fan’s white noise. I don’t feel like listening to music. Where did you get your last bruise from? I don’t remember my most recent bruise but it probably has something to do with PE and me hitting the mat/floor way too hard. Are you looking forward to anything? The weekend. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? The fact that I stared at this question for a good minute must mean I haven’t thought this in a while lmao. That’s gotta be a good thing! Whose house where you last at? Other than mine, Gab’s. When someone says 'we need to talk', what do you think: If I know that that person doesn’t have a problem/potential problem with me, I just assume it’s something light. The only time this was said to me and it turned out to be something bad was my mom gathering us to say that our grandpa died, so I don’t really have a bad experience in general with that sentence. Tell me what's on your mind? I would have been able to sleep in tomorrow if I didn’t accept a 10 AM commitment and now I’m hating myself loads. It’s exhausting to accept an executive position sometimes. Will you be in bed before 11 tonight? I doubt it; it’s already 9:55 and I just started on this survey. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? It’s fine, but it’s not super solid or anything. They don’t know anything about me other than what I post on Facebook. How much money did you spend today? I spent P45 on an egg and cheese sandwich just to get through my hunger this morning, and my orders from online shopping came so I dropped P1,120 on that hahaha. In other words, I’m slowly GOING BROKE Can you see a cat from where you're sitting? Nope. I can see a dog, though. Who was your last text from? My professor for a history class. I’m the beadle in this class, so he texts me reminders from time to time. What was the last bad thing that happened to your phone? It’s fairly new so it hasn’t acted up ever. The only bad thing that happens to it is me dropping it D: What's been upsetting you lately? I am so fucking burned out from this semester and just wish it’s over already. Is there anyone getting on your nerves at the moment? Nope, everyone’s safe. Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind? Nopes.

Last place you fell asleep other than a bed? The living room couch, I think. Does it take a lot to make you cry? Not at all. I’m an easy target. Do you have a dog? Yes, the goodest and bestest. Do you like to wear pants? No, I hate jeans and wish I had more shorts than jeans. How many people do you trust fully? I trust everybody I know, is the thing. I feel like my loved ones and friends deserve that. But I can cut off ties with them very easily if they abuse that trust. When you're bored in class, what do you usually do? I use my phone but make sure I’m hidden behind my laptop. If that’s too risky, I’ll doodle whatever lyrics on my notebook (if I’m writing). Otherwise I’d just check my social media on my laptop. What’s your favorite color out of these five? Green, Yellow, Blue, Pink: Pink. What was the first thing you said when you woke up today? “...Already?” I set my alarms this morning for 4 AM, 4:30 AM, and 5:30 AM. I woke up at the 4 AM alarm, went back to sleep, and the next alarm that woke me was the 5:30 one. I must have turned off the 4:30 one too but I was probably half-sleepy and groggy AS FUCK because I don’t remember turning that one off at all. Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday? Yeah. I kinda have to because the way I run during the day depends on the amount of sleep I get. Ever like someone older than you? I haven’t. What's your favorite amusement park? I don’t really have any. Universal Studios in Singapore was great fun though. Are you cold at this very moment? A little bit. I’ve since turned on the AC and also have an electric fan directed at me, so I’m quite chilly. Do you prefer people who talk a lot or are quiet? Depends on my mood..sometimes I’m talkative, and sometimes I just want to be on my laptop and be undisturbed. Is there someone in your life you wish you never met? Other than incompetent groupmates from past projects who temporarily made my life a living hell, not really. How many hours of sleep do you need to function? 7 to 10. Nothing more, nothing less. What do you think Avril Lavigne is doing at the moment? This question is so creepy. What's one fear are you most paranoid about? Not getting a nice enough job that doesn’t pay enough. Have you ran into an old friend recently? A couple of weeks ago I bumped into Mils; I was headed to my car and she was headed to class. It was super brief; we just said hi and she complimented my water bottle (which I have since lost lmao). Have you ever had a song stuck in your head for more than a day? Most likely. Could you go a whole year without cursing? I doubt it. Would you rather give up the computer or the TV? TV! I gave that up like, 6 years ago lol. That’s no problem for me now. Have you ever liked someone who had a girl/boyfriend? No, I haven’t. As of this minute, what is going through your mind? I want to play Mario Kart Tour again but I have to finish this survey first. Does anyone know your password besides you? Gab and my sister. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? I dunno, I’ve never been in that situation. Have you ever ridden a horse? Yes. Are you a patient person? I’m patient with people more; I don’t like the other aspects of waiting, like traffic or waiting in line for something. Could you go a day without eating? I could, but it would suck and it would hurt and I’d probably pass out. Honestly, are things going the way you planned? More than, I guess. I mean I didn’t plan on making it to 21, so I guess everything I do from here on out is more than what I had planned. Are you a forgiving person? No. I prefer holding grudges. When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep? HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH YES What is something you disliked about today? My anthropology professor instructed us to watch a film over the weekend. Completely forgot about it of course, and crammed my viewing the night before even though I was already tired. Today, I walked into the room to find out we were gonna watch the exact same movie as a class anyway; meaning I could have rested up last night lolololololol but guess not When's the last time you had a headache? A week ago, I think. Is there anything that you are craving right now? A burger from Pound :( And samgyupsal, ughhhhhhhh. What was the first thing you thought of this morning? How I fucking hate my Wednesday schedule. What part of your body hurts right now? I’m good at the moment. Eyes are starting to feel heavy though. Is there anyone you would like to just appear at your front door right now? Not really. Gab’s working tonight and I wouldn’t want her to drop everything just to surprise me at home. What is something that you realized today? I really dislike my course. I had a very productive afternoon today and started work on each of my final requirements for all my classes this semester – I met progress with every single major requirement, except for those of my journ electives, about which I could really not care less. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? No. Do you remember who your first crush was? Yeah, my 5th grade science teacher. I remember feeling ashamed to disclose it on these surveys back when I was new to this, but it’s been like ten years and I’ve gotten old as fuck and I can just spit it out now lmao. Ever walked into the guy's bathroom? I don’t think so. Have you ever cried from being so mad? Sure. What's a word that starts with the third letter of your first name? Binoculars. Do you have a bad temper? I can, most especially on my period. How many wives or husbands do you want? Wow, just one please. What's the closest pink object to you? My keyboard cover. Do you consider yourself lucky? No. Whats on your bedroom floor right now? A single sock that I’m too lazy to pick up for now, and my dog. Do you trust anyone? I trust lots of people. What's your favorite color gummy bear? Maybe red? I like strawberry/cherry flavored gummies. What's the last movie you saw in the theater? Portrait of a Lady on Fire. If you could push one person off of a mountain, who would it be? Duterte. Wish you could be somewhere else right now? Meh, yes and no. What color is your iPod? I don’t use it anymore, but my Nano is blue. What should you be doing right now? Sleeping maybe? Or at least settling in. Do you like roller coasters? Nope. One famous guy you would marry in an instance? Does it have to be a guy? I got nothing.

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[emperor-lover]

Hello could you please write a minhyun fanfic about him and Y/N being on we got married (and later on starts dating irl?) thank you (ps, i love your minhyun scenarios so much)

omg WGM :o hahaha ngl i was never a big fan of WGM even though two members of one of my favourite groups have been on it, but i tried my best! i’ll write anything fluffy for minhyun lmao Sorry about the wait!

A continuation of this will be up next which is from another anon’s request!! 

Hwang Minhyun WGM!AU 

ok so lets give you a bit of background to set the scene 

you’re an idol, but originally you were going to be an actress except you really liked dancing and singing so your company was like ‘why not both?’ (think female version of Ong)

You became a fixed MC on a music show last year so you’ve been able to meet a lot of people

Popularity-wise, you’re pretty well liked, you’ve never had any scandals or issues

Plus because you’re bi/multilingual so you’ve been able to further expand Hallyu internationally, and yknow everyone loves a bit of patriotism 

So this is why you were extremely uncertain about being on WGM

It’s a show that puts you in the spotlight

and kinda tries to brand you with this false image, and if you don’t fit that image the public tend to be like wtf is wrong with you

WGM could be a make or break for the virtual couples who participated on the show

You had heard from other celebrities who had been on WGM about how strange it was, like just the whole concept of a “virtual” relationship wasn’t something you’d ever been too keen on

So you were skeptical and it didnt help that your company hadn’t given you much warning about being on it

They just said to be prepared for the invitation over the next week or so

So when the red mailbox appeared outside your dorm along with a bunch of MBC camera staff you realised they hadn’t been kidding

You had read the letter outloud for the cameras;

“To my soon-to-be virtual wife, our first meeting place will be at the xxxxxx Building tomorrow. Before we meet, I’ll give you a big clue as to who I am, I wonder if you’ll be able to guess! I’m in an idol group, and I’ve debuted twice…I look forward to meeting you~

You read the letter again, absorbing all the information….

“EH? Tomorrow??” 

no wonder your manager had been awfully quiet when you had asked her about your schedule

Oh well, guess you gotta prepare for this virtual blind date

Tbh…now that you had accepted the fact that you had to go on this show, you were kinda excited

It’s literally so rare for you to ever get the chance to go on a proper date, even if this counted as a fake/virtual one

——next day—–

You hadn’t slept well the night before, in both fear and anticipation

Hopefully the person you were going to ‘marry’ would be nice

Because your partner was fully in charge of organising this first date, you had decided to prepare a gift for him

Which you found to be super difficult, seeing as you weren’t sure who they were but tbh you had narrowed it down to a couple of possibilities

Like in the pre-meet interview that morning they had asked you if you had any idea who the person could be and you had listed a few names of idols you knew had debuted twice, like mino, or sungwoon or minhyunnnn

but seeing as you knew he’s an idol you decided on little things you knew you found helpful being an idol yourself

You packed a neck pillow, a heat pack, and this really big woollen scarf you had knitted yourself (imagine it’s winter time pls)

Your manager drops you off outside the building and you hop out of the car in this big fluffy sweater and black jeans, completed bundled up and warm

The staff ushered you over to the elevator and you’re left awkwardly and nervously rambling to yourself as they press the buttons to every 2nd floor

The doors open to the second floor and a hotel staff pops their head in and gives you a bouquet of flowers with a note

“You’re here! Today’s the day we finally meet~”

You smiled to yourself, seems like this guy is a bit of a hopeless romantic

The doors to the fourth floor open and sitting on the ground is a little fox plushie doll

You pick it up and attached is another note that says,

“I’ve heard that I resemble a desert fox~”

You froze, no freaking way could it be….

On the sixth floor it was a jar of honey - “My voice is sweet like honey wahhh this is embarrassing >

Your eyes widened. There was no denying who it was now.

WGM had never done something like this before, usually people who went on the show had never previously met or had many interactions, but in your case it would be different

You had met Minhyun before, multiple times in fact

You had been good friends with Aron from NU’EST as well as other English speaking idols and had naturally gotten to know the other boys from NU’EST as well

And although you wouldn’t consider yourself best friends with Minhyun or anything, you had always been able to joke round with him

plus he’s a super cute and super nice guy that was always easy to talk to

Now that you think about it, it’s kinda even more terrifying now that you know who’s waiting for you and the fact you already know him as well??? and he doesnt have a clue who you are???? what if he’s disappointed??? like how awkward would that be, you’d actually die from embarrassment

Finally the doors to the 10th floor open and lo and behold Minhyun is standing there, with his back facing you

When he heard the door open he had immediately tensed up

He was nervous as hell too, poor thing

Like kinda kicking himself for being so cheesy with the whole elevator thing, but y’know, gotta make a strong first impression

He can hear your footsteps approach him and he fights the urge to turn round 

The staff signal to you to say something and you become a big stuttering mess, like what are you meant to say???

“uHHhhHH Minhyun, IT’S ME, Y/N”

And he whizzes round so fking fast with his eyes popping out of his head literally everyone is laughing so hard

And he’s bright red because in the pre-interview they had asked him who he’d choose if any idol was able to go on wgm as his partner, and he had said Y/N, and he just assumed that you wouldn’t be on this show and didnt have his hopes up

so the fact you’re actually standing in front of him about to become his virtual wife is so strange but surreal to both of you

so of course, the two of you hit it off right away, seeing as you already know each other

After migrating to a cafe, you thanked him for the gifts and the elevator surprises and gave him the present you prepared

and he loves it so much, and he puts on the scarf you made straight away and is super proud of it

and you kinda just catch up on life with him, and find out how he’s doing in Wanna One

and that night after the filming was over, he sent you a text telling you how he was happy that you were his partner

and you spent the whole night just messaging cute little shy texts back and forth

After a few more days of filming, the first episode was finally broadcasted

And you were anxiously sitting by the tv with your group members trying to gage their reactions

it was embarrassing to see yourself become such a blushing mess in front of Minhyun

It was embarrassing for your friends too though, because no one is used to seeing you all shy like this

Funnily enough, Minhyun was the same in his dorm, and all the W1 boys were teasing him relentlessly

like collectively cringing at the notes he had left for you, and commenting on everything he did

And after the episode finishes, you’re a bit anxious of what the viewers think of it all

but luckily it turns out lots of people tuned in and love it

It seems to be a realistic fantasy(?) of people’s to go from friends to lovers

so with each following episode, the public laps up all the cuteness the two of you just naturally exude

Like they love how both of you were supposedly motae solo (single since birth), and that for both of you this would be the first ‘proper’ relationship

And minhyun has always had Boyfriend goals vibe attached to him

and you were top notch wife material too

You guys become known as the “Royal” couple

every one is like “충성충성” (choongseongchoongseong) I pledge my loyalty to you

So the first time you guys had proper skinship was super natural but cheesy as well

It was a filming by the Han River and you hadn’t worn gloves and it was getting pretty chilly

You had been rubbing your hands together to warm them up and it hadn’t been particularly obvious but Minhyun just reaches over and gently clasps your hand in his and puts it in his pocket

literally at that part though, everyone watching it had squealed

even you had been like omg bf goals

And bit later on when you had moved into the honeymoon house, the two of you would often rest your heads on the other’s shoulder and read books together

One of the most heart pounding days had been the wedding day, because although you knew it wasn’t a legit thing, something about Minhyun wearing a tuxedo and standing there waiting for you to walk towards him had made you feel things

And clearly you had the same effect on him, because he was absolutely speechless when he saw you

That night before heading back to the dorm, it seemed that the something had changed between the two of you

The hug Minhyun had given you had been longer, and gentler, if that was even possible

and he’d brushed the hair away from your face and whispered a string of sweet nothings into your ear before giving you a cute little wave and scampering over to get into his manager’s van

and you weren’t too sure what to think of it, because it’s not like the two of you are properly dating or anything

although it definitely feels like it

You go on lots more dates every week and each one was full of memories

Like you’d gone to movies, but you’d actually fallen asleep and Minhyun had just giggled

“Minhyun, you should’ve woken me up!”

“But you looked cute! i think you drooled tho” 

And you’d gone tandem biking, and wandered round different museums, and you went to karaoke together, and Minhyun ended up serenading you with cute af songs

and there was a day that the two of you went shopping to look for gifts for each other, and you ended up getting matching phone charms

There was also the time where there was a special guest episode, where both of you had invited friends round and cooked dinner for them

And everything goes smoothly for the following couple of months, with your relationship only getting closer each day

Until one day a letter arrives, and it’s different from the others so both of you immediately know what it is 

A week before the final episode, you started to distance yourself from Minhyun

mainly because both of you have been so shy about your true feelings, despite talking lots and becoming closer, you still have no clue if minhyun actually considers you to be more than a friend

and because you knew it was coming to an end, you’d have to say goodbye anyways so you were trying to let go without having to have your feelings hurt more than they would be

it didn’t feel right though, and Minhyun could tell something was wrong 

so he had come up to you and put a hand on your arm just before the crew started filming the final episode to talk to you

“Y/N…are we…okay?”

You glanced up at him and you could see his eyes trying to decipher the expression on your face and as much as it pained for you to say it, you decided it would be the best to break ties now

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be, we’re friends aren’t we?”

And after you had said that, Minhyun’s face had fallen

Like he was upset that you appeared so nonchalant that the ‘marriage’ would be over and you’d revert back to being just friends

He dropped his hand that was on your arm and nodded, his face hardening and he turned to walk away

A few steps though, and he stopped turning back, eyes meeting yours

“I know this was a virtual marriage, but I was always sincere every moment I spent with you. I just thought I’d tell you that before we started filiming.”

And he walked off towards his waiting room, and left you standing there not too sure what to do anymore

During the filming, you struggled not to cry as Minhyun’s hand held yours

The movie theatre dimmed and started playing all the memories you’d made together

it was making you so emotional, and the sad piano BGM playing did not help at all

so you couldn’t stop the tears from falling when the video cut to a solo shot of Minhyun sending you a video message

“…This marriage may be coming to an end, but I will always treasure all the times and memories we made together…”

Covering a hand over your mouth, you tried not to sob out loud but it ended up sounding like you were having a coughing fit 

Minhyun had been quite cold to you after the encounter earlier that day, and hadn’t been particularly affectionate at all, but when he looked over at you, his face went from expressionless to one of alarm when he noticed that your cheeks were stained with tears

he immediately reached over and gently dabbed the tears away with his sleeve and pulled you into his chest

“hey, hey, don’t cry Y/N, it’s alright, babe don’t cry, I’m here for you.”

and this only made you sniffle more

Minhyun’s hand was soothingly patting the back of your head and for a minute you both forgot about the cameras as he pulled back and gently pressed his lips to your forehead

and it was such a touching and emotional moment

until you hiccupped

and Minhyun broke out into laughter his own eyes shining back at you

and you couldn’t help but join in with him in the laughter

you left the set holding hands, still sad but not as emotional as before

and you realised that this would be the last chance for you to say something

“Minhyun?”

He glanced down at you his gaze softening at the sight of your puffy eyes

“This isn’t goodbye right? Just because we’re not on the show anymore doesn’t mean we can’t see each other right?”

Minhyun just kinda looks at you like you’re crazy

“Did you really think that I’d just go on this show with you, the girl that i actually truly like, just to never talk to you again now the show’s over?”

and you were like ?? blinking in confusion…because minhyun actually does like like you, and it’s not one sided like you assumed girl it was so obv tho

He kept talking, “I looked forward to the days when i’d get to see you to film, because spending time with you is like the most natural thing in the world to me. Look I even keep this photo we took in my wallet.”

He shows you a cute little photo of the two of you at the cafe you’d been to on the first date.

“So Y/N? Don’t worry, this won’t be goodbye, you can’t get rid of your virtual husband that easily,” he says shooting finger hearts and winks at you

So, legitimately dating Minhyun is obviously not as open and conspicuous as WGM, but it’s still super cute

and on your first anniversary the two of you go on a late night outing to the cafe where you had your first date

and you buy the same drinks you had on that day and just enjoy each others company, forever grateful that you have Minhyun in your life

I hit 100 followers the other day and I’m so so grateful, thank you to everyone who reads my random little writings, even though I’m definitely still lacking lots! I’m working on the current requests that were sent in, so please hold tight if you’re still waiting~ ❤️❤️

[3ndoftheline]

Touch

Bucky x OFC

Summary: Can you ground someone who doesn’t do anything?

Warnings: language (as usual LMAO)

Word Count: 8.1k (literally can’t control myself im soRRY)

Author’s Note: here it is!!! (finally) part two of touch for all of you lovely people. i watched beauty and the beast last night and i was just so happy and came home and just banged out the rest of this so i hope you all enjoy. also tag list is at the bottom and if anyone would like to be added just shoot me a message! feedback is appreciated greatly xx

“You’re grounded.”

I blinked in shock. About a million reactions ran through my system before I chose the most professional one. I laughed. “That’s the first thing you say to me?” I snickered as I stared at an amused yet affronted Tony, an annoyed Natasha and a fuming Steve. “I’m not a child, Tony. You can’t…ground me.”

“Well, I can’t fire you, can I?” Tony shot back and I realized very quickly that although his initial response was comical, nothing about their reactions were comical. I was in deep shit and I knew it.

“I mean, you can–”

“–and he should,” Steve growled and I had to refrain from rolling my eyes.

“As much as I’d love to,” Tony shot me a hard look, “we need you.”

“Do we at least get to compromise on my inevitable form of punishment?” I cut in, waving my hand to regain attention.

“Depends on what you’ve got.” Steve folded his arms over his chest but I didn’t miss how his eyes flickered over to Bucky.

I sighed and tapped my fingers against the back of the tablet as I struggled to form my thoughts together. “Carol Raulson – the computer engineer, isn’t real. She doesn’t exist.”

“That’s fantastic,” Natasha mumbled sarcastically and I resisted the urge to throw a few choice words her way. Instead, I took a deep breath and forced myself to stay on track.

“Her real name is Jolene Kaplan. I think so, anyways. It’s the only logical explanation. I don’t know anything about her since I haven’t had time to run an extensive search but I do know that Jolene was Bucky’s target. Whether it was for a hit, a kidnapping, whatever the motive was behind it, she was the target. My guess was Hydra was planning to attack while she left the building or in the transition from her handlers inside the engineering firm to DCGSE. It wasn’t specified fully what the assassin’s purpose was or why they were even running the mission. Bucky doesn’t really remember any specifics from the mission, either. He said he was in the middle of briefing when everything went to hell, or whatever the fuck happened. Kotevsky, the Russian, is also someone he remembers. Not much, but he remembers him from somewhere cold. I’m taking a wild guess that Kotevsky may have been around during Bucky’s time with the Soviets but I don’t know. I won’t know for certain for a while.” All of the words came out in a rush as I attempted to get all of the information out while being as convincing as possible. When I finished, I was panting slightly.

There was a stretch of silence as they glanced at my face, then Bucky’s, then at each other before Tony finally broke the quiet. “How long will you need?”

“Well…” I stalled as I pondered how to broach the touchy subject. While I hesitated, a low and throaty sound pulled my attention away for a second. All four of our heads turned to see Bucky glaring at me with such fervor I was surprised I didn’t melt into a puddle right there. I rolled my eyes at him as I turned back to my audience. “In order for me to really make any sort of headway with this, I need to–”

“No,” Bucky suddenly snarled and I whirled on him with a deadly glare.

“Honestly, this doesn’t concern you. So if you could let me speak without rudely interrupting me, I’d greatly appreciate it.” Bucky glowered at me, his entire body stiff and wound tight. But I didn’t care. If information was wanted, it had to be done.

“What the hell is going on?” Natasha snapped, obviously not pleased to be kept in the dark the way she was. I shot a warning glare to Bucky as I turned back to the three of them, all in varying degrees of confusion and bewilderment.

“I can find information on Kotevsky and Jolene via the regular channels but it might not be enough. I want, no need, to get a hold of the mission files for the Winter Soldier and–”

“No,” Tony interrupted, “absolutely not.”

My jaw dropped. “But, you don’t understand–”

“Are you out of your mind?” Natasha hissed, suddenly catching on too.

“Yes, but I don’t see how that matters–”

“What are you talking about, Tony?” Steve cut in, throwing me a stern look as I began to protest louder.

“In order to get to the Winter Soldier mission files, darling Hannah here needs to infiltrate a Hydra base and–”

“Absolutely not.” Steve wheeled to face me with a heavy scowl etched on his face. I opened my mouth to argue but he didn’t let me. “Hannah if you think for one second I’m going to let you go on a mission all by yourself to a Hydra base you’re out of your mind.”

“I won’t be alone,” I shot back. “I’ll take someone with me. Natasha can go.”

“No I won’t,” Natasha deadpanned and I glared at her. Some friend, I thought to myself.

“You are not sacrificing other people for this…this suicide mission.” I could tell he was trying his absolute hardest not to yell at me but it seemed with each word he was getting closer and closer to failing at that. “Goddammit Hannah, you’re smarter than this.”

“Honest to God, can we please relax,” I interrupted with a sigh. “It was just an idea, okay? Obviously I was going to run it by you first. I’m just laying out my options here.”

“No it’s not,” a voice piped up behind me. When I turned around Bucky’s eyes were on me as he muttered out the words that I was pretty sure would end my life. “She was planning to go on the mission with no mission plan, whether you agreed or not.”

“No mission plan?” Steve all but screeched as my jaw dropped.

“You mother–” I didn’t have a chance to finish my sentence before Steve absolutely unloaded on me.

“What the hell is a matter with you? Do you have no care for your own safety at all? Or the fact that this is Hydra here? This isn’t something you do behind a computer screen, Hannah. This is real, this is real life and you’re treating it like some sort of joke. Do you even understand the repercussions? Do you understand what would happen to you if you were captured?”

“I wasn’t even going to do it!” I protested. Total lie. It was such a bad lie I had trouble executing it. I justified myself but saying that if I didn’t lie, Steve would’ve keeled over from a heart attack. “I swear, I was just throwing ideas around that’s it. Jesus, Steve. A little more trust in me, please? I may be reckless but I’m not stupid.”

“I don’t care,” Steve seethed. “You are not to leave this compound, do you understand me? Not unless one of us are with you and it’s cleared by me first. I’m not kidding around with this, Hannah. Whatever this information is, we will find it some other way.”

“Okay,” I acquiesced with a nod of my head. Steve released a breath as he stared at me with hard eyes. “I swear Steve; I’ll stay inside the compound.”

He seemed to accept that as his shoulders relaxed a bit and he nodded. “Good,” he responded gruffly. “Now, go. Get to work. You said we had twelve hours, right?”

I nodded as Tony stepped up with a light touch to my shoulder. “C’mon, kid. We better get started now.” He flashed me an encouraging smile. He had been on the other end of Steve’s temper tantrums too many times so I knew he would be the safest person to go with. I bit my lip and kept my head down as I passed around Steve and Natasha. As soon as I was behind their backs, I whipped my head up and gave Bucky the most murderous glare I could muster. His eyes were on me and there wasn’t a single shred of remorse or apology in his gaze. In fact, he looked a little smug. I snarled quietly before Tony’s voice broke my stare.

“Your lab or mine?” He grinned. He already knew the answer. Nobody went into my lab except for me. No exception.

“Yours.” I answered stiffly. I tried to control my anger but it was taking everything to not turn around and give Bucky a piece of my mind. He had the audacity to call me untrustworthy? What a fucking hypocrite. God, if I ever saw that two-faced bastard again I’d–

“Hey,” Tony’s voice broke my thoughts as I suddenly realized we were already in the elevator. “You alright?”

“Yeah, of course.” I lied straight through my teeth as I flashed him a smile. “Sorry, just thinking about where to start.”

“How about those phone calls? I want to hear this politician’s voice when he isn’t sniveling like a little kid.”

I snorted as I leaned back against the elevator. But when I shut my eyes, all I saw was Bucky’s smug face.

***

“Motherfucker,” I swore as I stared at my five computer monitors. Series of texts ran through on the screen, all blinking with keywords that made no fucking sense.

I had managed to uncover all of the deleted calls and scrubbed audio files between the politician and Kotevsky. Deciphering them was pretty easy too, but all of a sudden the bastards decided to use their brains and started speaking in code. I was in the process of trying to decipher their secret language and had gotten nowhere. I had four hours left until this supposed drop somewhere and I was about as close as I was eight hours ago.

Wedding.

Gift.

Reception.

Bride.

Groom.

It all would sound like a normal conversation if you were to hear it on the street or in a café. But in the world of espionage and terrorism, this was anything but an innocent conversation.

The wedding, I had deduced so wonderfully, was hopefully the main event with the reception possibly being a rendezvous point afterwards while the gift was perhaps whatever the politician was selling. The bride and groom were what I assumed were codenames for the politician and Kotevsky. Again, there were no facts. Only theory. And that was about as far as I got with that.

I had lasted about ten minutes in Tony’s lab before his horrific need to constantly fill the silence with some sort of irrelevant comment and his horrible messiness forced me out. I tasked him with working on the identity of Kaplan and if there was any connection with Raulson while digging deeper into Kotevsky. I figured that would be more difficult but turns out I was so wrong I embarrassed myself.

Now, I was stuck staring into a sea of code and secret language that looked so goddamn appealing on TV shows but the second it presented itself in real life I questioned every decision that led me to be in my position. I banged my head against the table as I began muttering to myself, sounding certifiably crazy but hey, might as well play the part.

“Wedding…wedding, who the fuck wants to go to a wedding?” Kotevsky and the politician I told myself bitterly and groaned. “Okay, okay,” I muttered to myself with a deep, cleansing breath that sort of sounded like I suffered from whooping cough. “Think. The wedding…what type of wedding?” The politician was fancy and flashy. Even when he was selling secrets, he set the drop at a fancy hotel with all eyes on him and a pretty girl on his arm. He had an expensive taste that was obvious with his financial records. I mean, who spent 500k on a single fucking fountain pen? He used his wealth and riches to show off and intimidate his competition and colleagues – though I wasn’t too sure how intimidating a fountain pen was but hey what the hell did I know. “Someplace fancy, someplace new.”

But I knew Kotevsky wasn’t a pushover. While he had played into the politician’s hand, he still had control. He had the money, he was the payday. And while the politician threw around that he had other buyers lining up, I was sure Kotevsky doubted that. Politicians lie, especially one as slimy as this one. He’s make a compromise, some way that he’d have the advantage. “Home field advantage,” I mumbled. Anyone was more comfortable on their home turf and with a deal like this, I had a feeling that’s exactly what Kotevsky would want.

Tony had managed to figure out that Kotevsky was in fact Russian, but the rest of his files were heavily encrypted. He and FRIDAY were still working on trying to decrypt it. I felt a zip of excitement down my spine. I was close, I could feel it. My fingers typed furiously as I tried to figure out where there was going to be some sort of grand opening of someplace rich and fancy as all hell. I knew the politician – whose name was John Arnold Smith, how much more boring white politician who fucks anything that breathes because his wife is more of a business relationship rather than a bond of true love and chooses to betray his country because apparently his boring, white, rich life isn’t exciting enough – would want something fancy. A statement. Whatever this deal was, it was worth a billion cash. It would establish him; it would make him a well-known figure in the legal and most definitely the illegal world.

A dozen popped up in the Moscow area and I was able to narrow it down to three. An art gala for some stuffy French-Italian artist who swore God spoke to him through the splatters of his paintbrush, a museum grand opening honoring all of the czars of Russia, and a hotel opening owned by some prince from the Middle East, most likely Israel from the look of it. I knew for a fact that the politician travelled to Russia under a pseudonym. I uploaded his picture to TSA and began scanning all of the images from Sheremetyevo for a match to good ol’ John Smith’s face. The second it popped up, I’d get his passport information and I’d nail the smarmy bastard.

Hopefully. Maybe. This was a perfect example of me thinking that I definitely had the answer when in the end, it was obvious, that I most definitely did not.

The moment the search began, a sharp knock rapped against my door. “Yeah?” I called out.

“Room service,” Tony yelled.

“I didn’t order anything,” I retorted as I drummed my fingers against my table.

“Lemme in, Han, we gotta talk.”

“Not a chance, Stark. Whatever you need to say, send it in an email if it’s that important. If it’s not, it can wait.”

“I prefer face to face communication. It’s good for the soul.”

“Has Pepper got you doing those stupid yoga videos again? You’re starting to sound a true yogi.”

Tony was silent for a moment. “Hannah. I need you to talk to Barnes.”

I snorted as my mouth twisted into a scowl. “Forget it. I don’t do interrogations.”

“This isn’t an interrogation. Think of it at as a friendly conversation at a bar. Except you’re not in a bar, you’re in a holding cell. And it’s not really a conversation, you’ve got scripted questions and what not.”

“So basically an interrogation.” I deadpanned.

“Sure, sure, nuances,” Tony admitted nonchalantly and I rolled my eyes. “Hannah, if we want to make any headway we need to get Barnes to talk.”

“Alright, send Steve in. Or Natasha, our resident expert on interrogations.”

“Already done, Han. Even I went in. He won’t say a word. This guy has been around for almost a hundred years, and about seventy of that was spent with Hydra. He doesn’t even flinch anymore.”

“So why the hell do you think I’m going to make a difference?”

“Because he talked to you.”

I swore under my breath. God, fuck Bucky Barnes. “Listen, Tony. I’d love to be the knight in shining armor here but honestly he didn’t even say much. And I’m pretty sure that’s a one-time deal.”

“That’s bullshit Han and you and I both know it,” Tony snapped. “You’re our best shot at this. C’mon kid, show us how versatile you really are.”

“Fuck off,” I muttered. I didn’t want to do this. I shouldn’t do this. Bucky Barnes was none of my business. He helped me once that was it. And of course that backfired because apparently confidentiality meant nothing to him. But Tony was right. I had just barely made some sort of headway after eight hours of nothing; he had only been able to find Kotevsky was from Russia, around Moscow but nothing too serious. Nothing to launch an investigation. We were dry, we were desperate. And unfortunately, we needed Bucky. I sighed heavily and dragged myself out of my chair as I took one last longing glance at my monitors.

When I opened the door Tony jumped to attention and I wasn’t surprised to see Steve loitering at the end of the hallway trying to act nonchalant. “There she is! What’s it like to see actual sunlight?”

I glanced up at the fluorescent lighting. “I wouldn’t know,” I shot back. Tony flashed me a grin as I frowned and snatched the case file from his hand. It was painfully thin and I had to hold back my frustrated sigh. “Alright Flag Pole,” I called out to Steve as I walked down the hall. “Let’s go do an interrogation.”

“I’m going with you?” He glanced at me curiously when I slammed the file into his chest.

“What part of ‘I don’t do interrogations’ did your star-spangled brain not understand?” I shot him a look as I continued down to the elevator. “I’m just going to stand there. I’m not talking to him again.”

“You think it’ll work?” Steve asked his voice incredulous as I jammed the elevator button and willed the elevator doors to never open.

“It’ll have to,” I grumbled as the doors pinged open and a slew of SHIELD agents tumbled out, all moony eyed as they stared at Steve. I rolled my eyes and pushed past them and typed in the code to get us to sub-level.

“Eager?” Steve mused with raised eyebrows but his smile faltered at the poisonous look I threw him.

“Eager to get this over with,” I muttered as I folded my arms. Steve nodded and didn’t say anything else as the door shut. FRIDAY’s pleasant voice spoke about the weather and today’s current events but I didn’t listen. When the doors opened again, Steve stepped out and the floor was just as quiet as it had been when I had first gone down eight hours ago. It was unsettling.

We reached room 12 and Steve punched in the code that swung the vibranium doors open. Once inside, I saw Sam was across the room. He made eye contact with us and walked over, his shoulders stiff.

“He won’t talk, Cap,” Sam muttered, his voice quiet. He sighed heavily and then his eyes met mine, brown irises filled with concern. “You sure you’re ready for this?”

“I’m doing the interrogation,” Steve whispered. Sam seemed shocked as he eyed me curiously. I avoided his gaze as I stared at the cement floor. I moved to the corner of the room as Steve spoke with Sam for a few minutes longer. I kept my eyes on the guards instead of on Bucky, refusing to give him the satisfaction. I didn’t even see Sam walk over to me until his voice was in my ear.

“Why aren’t you running this?” Sam asked. I met his gaze, trying to look confused but he wasn’t having it. I sighed and rested my shoulder against the cold stone wall.

“I don’t want to,” I muttered. “Besides, I’m not adverse in interrogation or any of that shit. This is something you guys do. I’m just a girl with a computer.”

“You’re more than that, and you know it,” Sam frowned as he shot a glance towards Steve. “What’s really going on, baby? You locked Tony, Steve and Nat in here just to speak to Bucky. Now you won’t look at him. What’s going on? If he did something to you, Hannah. We need to know.”

I swallowed thickly as I toed the ground with my sneaker. “He’s just not someone I want to be around. Is that so hard to understand?” I looked at Sam, begging him to drop it. Really, I was just angry at Bucky. He and his big mouth had gotten me ‘grounded’ as Tony said and now the situation was even worse than it had been before. And it pissed me off.

“Okay,” Sam acquiesced and I breathed out a sigh of relief. “That’s not hard to understand. What is hard to understand as that you’re actually trying to pretend that you’re not pissed at him for foiling your master plan.”

I whipped my head to face Sam, who wore the smuggest smile on his face. “What are you talking about?” I hissed.

“I know you don’t believe in best friends or relationships, but as your unofficial best friend who knows you like the back of his hand, I know when you’re mad, baby. And you’re furious.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not my best friend,” I snapped. “And so what if I’m mad? Doesn’t change anything.”

“No,” Sam mused. “But doesn’t mean you’re not still going to be mad. I also know that this makes you even more motivated to do exactly what you aren’t supposed to do. So, when are you going on this unsanctioned, highly dangerous mission?”

“I’m not,” I shot back and crossed my arms. I didn’t like how Sam was digging into my brain. I knew Wanda was the only one who could actually read brains but I seriously wondered if Sam didn’t possess some ability too. “Besides, I’m grounded, remember? Steve won’t let me out of his sight.”

“Sure he will,” Sam shrugged. “We all know he’ll calm down eventually. And you’ll wait until he does. And that’s when you’ll go. So my only request is, let me know when you go, okay. I’m always down to kick some Hydra ass.”

“Okay, bird-brain,” I rolled my eyes. I turned my attention on Steve as he stood before Bucky. Every muscle in his broad back was stiff, his arms folded in a defensive stance. He was speaking quietly to Bucky, loud enough for the soldier to hear but quiet enough that we couldn’t. I risked a glance at Bucky and saw his eyes were trained on the floor, unblinking and unwavering. I frowned as Steve leaned forward, almost imploring Bucky to look up. The brunette didn’t move a muscle. The only thing that moved was his left hand. There was a slight jerk in his fingers, like an electric shock was going straight through his left hand.

“Have you had any luck with the politician?”

“Smith?” I shook my head. “I’m searching surveillance at Sheremetyevo to see if his face pops up. I alerted TSA too, see if they can get him at departure and had them expand the search to private airfields.”

“Can they do that?” Sam asked.

“Government can track anything.” I muttered. I averted my eyes back to Steve and Bucky. Steve was pacing now and I could see the agitation. From the side profile of his face, his jaw was wired so tight even I could see the muscle tic from where I stood. And my eyesight was shot from staring at a computer screen my whole life. Bucky’s gaze still remained trained on the floor, but his fingers still twitched. It was like he couldn’t look at Steve’s face, even if he wanted to.

“S’kinda weird, y’know?” Sam whispered to me as we both watched Steve and Bucky. “How Bucky won’t look at Steve. It’s like he doesn’t want to believe that’s his best friend.”

Something clicked in my head at Sam’s words. It’s like he doesn’t even want to believe that’s his best friend. “What if he doesn’t?” I murmured.

Sam gave me a disbelieving look. “Han, I saw the two of them in Berlin. Bucky never forgot Steve. I mean hell; in Bucharest he protected the damn guy even with his head all over the place. He pulled him out of the water at Triskelion. You don’t forget someone like that, a best friend. They’re with you for life.”

They’re with you for life. “What if he’s doing that now?” I whispered to myself as the pieces came together.

“What?”

“Sam.” I turned to face him. “What if Bucky is protecting Steve now?”

Sam’s brow furrowed. “Han, baby, what are you talking about?”

“He knows. Bucky knows something. He’s not telling Steve. I know it.”

“Alright, alright,” Sam acquiesced. “Talk to me, what are you thinking?”

I caught my lip between my teeth as my brain hurried to fit all of the pieces together and as it did, an image began to form. A very blurry, very sketchy picture that probably didn’t mean anything but it definitely meant something. Maybe.

“Bucky can’t look Steve in the eye. Why?”

Sam shrugged. “Dunno. I think it’s because he can’t.”

I turned to Sam. “He can’t?”

Sam’s face turned dark. “On one of the…trips Steve and I took, we came across a Hydra facility where they had some, uh, soldiers in training if you will. Very early in the process. But they couldn’t look us in the eye, and they wouldn’t speak. We finally figured out they would only speak when addressed and we had to give them permission. It was engrained within them.”

“They saw you as superiors,” I murmured. “The ultimate control.”

Sam nodded. “I think that’s why he can’t look at him. He sees Steve as superior to him.”

I shook my head. “It’s more than that.” I sighed as I began playing with the tips of my hair, tugging and twirling. “Sam, I don’t think he’s not looking at Steve because he views him as his superior. I think he can’t because it’s Steve.”

“I don’t follow,” Sam frowned.

I turned to face him. My voice became hushed and faster as I got more excited. “You said it yourself, Sam. The type of friendship Steve and Bucky have – it’s for life. Nothing could break it. With that type of closeness, I mean, they know everything. What if Bucky is afraid that Steve will read him like a book? Know exactly what Bucky is hiding without Bucky having to say a single word.”

“So, you think this whole not looking each other in the eye thing is because Bucky is scared? That it has nothing to do with Hydra?”

I shook my head. “I think if Steve were to give Bucky an order, Bucky would follow. He’s been made to follow orders. But he can make decisions. He chose to talk to me. I didn’t tell him to talk to me, I never gave an order. I merely asked. And he responded. So he can make his own decisions, but maybe only to a certain point.”

Sam nodded slowly, as if the puzzle was just beginning to form in his head too. “What if Bucky doesn’t see you as his superior?” I whipped my head to him and narrowed my eyes, a warning for Sam to tread very carefully. “I’m not saying you’re less than him, baby,” Sam defended himself quickly with an assuring smile. “All I’m saying is Steve kind of screams the whole I’m the boss I make the orders aura. You’re much more laid back. Maybe Bucky felt that he didn’t have to answer to you, that you weren’t there to give him orders.”

I relaxed my rigid stance as I thought about what Bucky said. It was interesting theory and I struggled to make sense of it all. I turned to Steve and found him talking to Bucky again, his face closer to the electromagnetic wall.

I stepped away from Sam and moved closer to Steve, careful not to startle Steve. “Steve,” I prompted softly. He looked away and I was floored by the look of pure exhaustion on his face but it melted away into impassiveness as he walked towards me.

“What is it Hannah?”

“Steve,” I swallowed. “You need to order Bucky to look at you.”

There was a beat of silence. “What?” His empty voice made me shift uncomfortably. I felt like I was asking someone to kidnap a child. And essentially, I guess I was. If the child was freewill and the ability to make your own decision.

“You have to,” I murmured.

“Hannah. I am not going to force him to do something.” His voice was fierce as he bent down to my face, his blue eyes chips of pure ice.

“Steve,” I forced myself to meet his chilling stare. “I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I didn’t have to. He knows something. Trust me, please.”

My heart cracked as his face twisted into one of pure anguish. “Hasn’t he been ordered around enough?” He asked his voice tight with pain.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Steve nodded and I watched as his face turned to stone and his voice became hard as rock, void of emotion.

“Bucky, I need you to look at me.” His voice wavered but Bucky didn’t. I flashed him a sideward glance. His shoulders stiffened and it almost looked like he was bracing himself. “Soldier, look at me. Now.”

Bucky turned his head. But it looked like someone was pulling an iron chain and he was doing everything he could to fight back. But when his eyes met Steve’s, I felt as if I had been sucker punched.

The look of pure hatred that scorched in Bucky’s eyes made my stomach churn. But Steve’s gaze didn’t falter. “I know what you’re doing,” he murmured. “Don’t do this, I need to know.” Bucky didn’t look away, but there was so much more than anger in his eyes. I had never seen a look so loaded before in my life. “What are you trying to hide? Who are you trying to protect? Is it Kotevsky, is it Hydra, who is it?”

There it was. The finger twitch. The moment Kotevsky left Steve’s mouth, Bucky reacted. It was slight, almost invisible. But it was there. I turned my head to look at Sam, whose eyes were narrowed. He saw too.

“You know,” I whispered, my voice shell-shocked. Bucky didn’t look at me, but I know he heard me. Steve snapped his head down as his brow furrowed into a knot of confusion. I ignored him as I stepped forward. “What is it, what is it about Kotevsky that you know?” Bucky’s gaze didn’t waver and I felt that tiny flutter of anger in the pit of my stomach. I swallowed to try and calm myself down as I spoke softly. “Who is Kotevsky, Bucky? What is he going to do, is it the drop tonight?” Bucky turned his face away, but I saw. The slight tremor of fear that skittered across his face. Right before his features turned to marble. I reeled back as it dawned on me. “The drop…you know. You know about the drop.”

He didn’t answer, his face stoic. Like a statue. “Jesus,” Steve whispered behind me.

I ignored him and dropped down to Bucky’s level, tilting my head as I tried to meet his gaze, no matter how hard he tried to avoid mine. “Bucky. Tell me, please. I need to know.” The silence that followed was deafening. “What are you so afraid of?” I prompted softly. He finally met my gaze, and it was pleading. Begging me to drop it, to walk away. My breath stuttered in my chest but I refused to look away. “I will find out,” I told him firmly and willed my voice to remain steady. “You know it’s just a matter of time.”

“I know. I’m just hoping you run out,” he murmured, his voice rough. I frowned heavily as I gripped my hands tightly together. There was that flare of anger again that threatened to lash out. I took a deep breath and willed myself to calm down.

“Why?” I whispered. “What do you know? Bucky, please. Something is happening; something big and we need to stop it.”

“No you don’t,” he gritted his teeth. “Please, drop it. It’s not important.”

“Yes it is,” I argued as my face grew hot. I was getting angrier and angrier by the second. “If it’s worth a billion dollars then it must be pretty damn important.”

Bucky winced. “It isn’t. Let it go.”

I held back a snarl as I stood up suddenly, my glare fixated on Bucky. “He knows,” I muttered to Steve. He nodded as I turned on my heel and stormed out of the room. “Useless,” I muttered to myself the whole way up to Tony’s lab. “Absolutely, utterly, useless.”

I slammed the keypad outside Tony’s lab and jammed in the code. Out of my peripheral I saw the red lines scan my face and a red dot appeared. “Unconfirmed facial scan. Please turn to face the–”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I shouted as I turned to bang on Tony’s door as the stupid scanner kept reading my face. “Tony, open this fucking door or so help me–”

The heavy door swung open as Tony stood before me, a shit-eating grin on his face. “You were saying?”

I growled as I stomped past him, throwing a middle finger to the scanner and the disembodied voice. “Kotevsky,” I spit out. “What do you have on him?”

“Jesus, Barnes really got your knickers all in a twist,” Tony snickered but stopped the moment I glared at him. He cleared his throat quickly before he sauntered towards his monitors, ignoring the piles and piles of junk that threatened to suffocate the spacious lab. “Nothing. I ran his face through every government operated security camera in the entirety of Moscow and found nothing. I don’t think he is in Moscow, Han.”

“No, he is,” I muttered. “Smith is way too over the top. Moscow is the capital, it holds the most importance. That’s where he’ll want to be.”

Tony snorted. “God, you sound like my shrink. Watching too much Criminal Minds lately?”

I rolled my eyes. “No, I just hang out with you too much,” I quipped. Tony attempted to look affronted but I could see the smile fighting its way.

“What have you got so far?” He asked as he plopped down on his leather chair.

I sighed and shook my head. “A bunch of coded conversations. I’ve pretty much guessed that the wedding means the main event – maybe a grand opening of some sort. The reception is the actual drop-off. But I’m also pulling this out of my ass so really I have no idea. I have searches running for his face at Sheremetyevo and through TSA. If he’s cocky enough he’d go through the international airports.”

“You don’t think he’d use a private airfield?”

I shrugged. “I’m hoping he doesn’t. Even if he does I have the ones that he frequents under surveillance. I’m really hoping his ego comes in the way of his intelligent thinking and somehow we get a hit.”

“So really, we have nothing.”

“Exactly,” I sighed as I leaned against the table.

“Barnes came up dry?”

A sour look came across my face. “Drier than the Sahara. He didn’t give us jack shit. He just said it wasn’t important or whatever the hell that means.”

Tony scowled as he shook his head. “He’s hiding something,” he muttered into his coffee cup.

“Or protecting something,” I added.

“We just don’t know what or who,” Tony finished and we both shared a grim look. Bucky was the missing puzzle piece. He was just the piece that refused to cooperate. Just as I was sitting and contemplating all of the ways that I could kill someone without getting caught, my phone dinged. I pulled it out of my pocket and when I saw the notification, I jumped up and nearly catapulted myself to the nearest computer.

“I found him,” I explained to Tony before he asked. He perked up instantly and came to stand beside me as I sent the information to Tony’s monitor. When the successful search popped up, I almost laughed.

“Is…is that a fake mustache?” Tony sputtered as he tried to hide his laughter. There was Smith, in all his mediocre glory, wearing the fakest mustache known to man and this god awful fedora that made Patrick Stump look fashionable.

“Jesus, I hate politicians,” I moaned as I minimized his picture. “Alright, he arrived at Sheremetyevo about four hours ago. He then–” I followed CCTV throughout the airport before I found him climbing into a town car, “–gets into a town car which is taking him…somewhere. That I’m going to find out.”

“That’s what I pay you for,” Tony remarked sarcastically but I ignored him. I ran the plates of the town car and found it linked to a private limo company that contracted out limos and cars to very high-end and prissy clientele.

“God, do I love wire transfers,” I grinned as I followed the bank and found an account in Switzerland tied to the name Noah Trilnoj Dohms.

“What kind of name is that?” Tony snorted as I entered that name into the limo company clientele list that I oh so conveniently hacked into. “Who names their kid some plain name like Noah and then give them a middle name like Trilnoj?”

“I mean, your parents named you Anthony so you’re not far behind on the whole plain name list.”

Tony scoffed. “I’ll have you know that Anthony means highly praiseworthy. I’m anything but plain.”

“Yeah, but the Greeks associated Anthony with flower, so like you said,” I turned to him and gave him a mocking smile, “I guess you really are anything but plain, hm?”

Tony’s mouth opened and closed – sort of like a flower in bloom – as he searched for an answer. I smirked as the monitor dinged and the ever so plain Noah Trilnoj blinked at me. “You know,” I mused, “maybe I should make you a flower crown. Those are highly praiseworthy, aren’t they?”

“Shut up,” Tony snarled and I couldn’t help but laugh as I pulled up Noah’s sheet.

“Well,” I hummed. “Looks like Mr. Extravagant is staying at an equally extravagant hotel.”

Tony leaned over my shoulder, seemingly forgetting my quip. “Ararat Park Hyatt Hotel.” He rolled his eyes. “How American.”

“Well, he is American,” I looked over at Tony with a raised eyebrow, “and are we going to forget the little fact that you won’t stay anywhere unless there is a Marriott stationed nearby?”

“Hey, I like the food. Plus they have the softest towels.”

“Do they really?” My voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Oh, definitely. Softer than a baby’s bottom. Especially when they’re snuggled around your–”

“Yep! Okay, moving on,” I yelled, waving my arms in the air. Ignoring Tony’s amused chuckle, I easily moved through the servers at the Hyatt and easily found where Noah was staying. “He’s in the Winter Garden Suite, checked in about…two hours ago.”

“Do you ever wonder if your fingers are going to fall off?” I whipped my head around to stare at Tony, my eyes narrowed as he shrugged nonchalantly. “I mean, you type so fast and practically drill your fingers into my poor, fragile keyboard. I’m just wondering if it’s possible for them to actually just fall off, y’know.”

“God, you’re hopeless,” I rolled my eyes towards the sky and pushed back from his desk. “And your keyboard is a projection onto your desk, jackass. I hardly doubt it’s seeing some damage.”

“The whole table vibrates when you type. The whole table.”

I tutted softly in mock sadness as I patted his cheek. “My apologies, il mio fiore. I’ll make sure to send your desk a thank you basket for putting up with my brutal ways.”

I didn’t give Tony a chance to answer before I sprinted off, snagging a tablet in the process. All I heard was Tony’s voice bouncing through the lab as he yelled: “Did you just call me flower?!”

I pulled out my phone and dialed Sam’s number. He picked up on the first ring. “What’s shakin’ bacon?”

“Smith just checked into the Winter Garden Suite at the Ararat Park Hyatt Hotel about two hours ago. I’m cross checking now but I’m pretty sure there is an art opening about five miles from there tonight.”

“Hey, HP found something,” Sam said away from the receiver. He was back within the moment. “You think this could be him?”

“Oh, I know it’s the slimy bastard. He’s under the alias of Noah Trilnoj Dohms–”

“What kind of name is Noah Trilnoj Dohms?”

“Oh God, not you too,” I sighed heavily as I nearly dropped the tablet in disappointment.

“No, but seriously Han. Think about it. I mean…Noah and then–”

“Moving on, Sam,” I spoke sharply as I reached my cave. “He’s wearing this god awful mustache which is really what you should be focusing on.”

“Mustache? Like Tony’s mustache bad? Or me during the 80s bad?”

“Try Charlie Chaplin bad.” Sam whistled beneath his breath and I had to stop myself from laughing. “I’m sending a photo to you and Steve now. I’m inside the GPS of his town car so if the key even comes near the car I’ll know about it. I’m working on the security system to see if they’ve got cameras inside the suite, I’ll let you know if I find anything.”

“Alright, you’re the best baby,” Sam cooed into the phone and I rolled my eyes as I hung up.

I set down the tablet that was connected to the GPS system of the town car as I brought my monitors back to life. I quickly wrote a code and began hacking into the security system, which took me all of twenty minutes. I soon found myself in the Winter Garden Suite where the lovely Johnny was staying. Nothing was really going on, it seemed like the security detail was completely relaxed, some of them even conversing. They obviously had no worries. I tapped into the audio and began downloading all of the audio while I let it play into my earpiece.

Nothing interesting was happening, just quiet murmuring. Smith was nowhere to be seen. But even then, I could definitely hear him, and whoever he was with. And from the looks of it, so could his unamused body guards.

“On zvuchit kak slon.” One of the guards muttered to the other. After a quick Google Translate into what he said because shockingly, I wasn’t fluent in every language, I nearly choked on my spit. It sounds like an elephant.+

As I scanned over the security tapes, heading back to when they first entered the room, my eyes caught a flutter of white that fell to the ground when Smith opened his briefcase. I quickly froze the image and zoomed in. It turned out to be a piece of card stock with elegant script in what looked like silver cursive.

 ◊              ◊              ◊

THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY

IS REQUESTED FOR THE EARLY SHOWING OF

Treasure Nukus

Named after IV Savitsky

MONDAY March 16, 2017

FROM 7:00 PM – 11:00 PM

THE PUSHKIN STATE MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS

FORMAL COCKTAIL ATTIRE

◊              ◊              ◊

“The wedding,” I whispered with an exhaling breath. My fingers shook with excitement as I quickly searched Treasure Nukus. It was some set of paintings from the State Museum that apparently was a great representation of Asian culture. Either way, it was big. One quick sweep of the invitation list told me it was extremely secretive and a very expensive list. Big money was going into this showing and it was just an opportunity for people to show off their wealth and importance. It was Smith’s playing field.

I immediately rang Sam. “What’s cookin’ good lookin’?”

“I found it.” I practically panted out like a rabid dog. “I found the wedding. Well, I think so. It’s the closest that I’ve gotten and it makes sense because…well, it just does. It has to. If it doesn’t you have full permission to punch me in the face.”

Sam laughed. “I’ll remember that, baby. Now, tell me. Where is this lovely wedding that I have a feeling me and Steve are invited to?”

I grinned as I relayed what I found to Sam. “So, essentially, I’m shipping you off to sunny Moscow.”

“I’ve always loved how the Kremlin looks in the middle of the night,” Sam shot back unenthusiastically. “So, you’re all packed baby?”

“Packed?” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously as I clicked the monitor and let the video feeds play at real time.

“Well yeah, someone’s gotta go say hi to the good politician.”

I nearly dropped my phone. “I’m sorry…what did you just say?” I nearly screeched. “Are you out of your damn mind? What the hell have you been huffing down there?”

“Baby, we already sent Nat in so he’d recognize her and know we’re onto him. Wanda is too noticeable after Lagos. Hill is too in love with Fury to leave his side for more than ten minutes. So, that leaves you HP.”

I sputtered as I desperately grasped on some way to get myself out of this. “I’ll die out there Sam…I can’t, you can’t do this to me. I do not spy. I’m an awful spy.”

“Baby, you’re the best damn spy the world has ever seen.”

“Yes, behind a computer screen. Away from people.” I pressed my hand to my forehead and I immediately felt it break into a sweat. “God, are you trying to completely botch this mission?”

“Not yet,” his grin could be heard through the phone. I huffed out a breath as I stared at my monitors miserably. I suddenly had a sickening image of Smith’s wrinkly hands running up and down my back as his thin, papery lips pressed against my ear. I was gonna throw up.

“No, nope, absolutely not.” I shook my head and shot up as I began to pace. “I am not, no way. Send someone else. I quit, I resign, and I’m faking my death if I have to.”

“Oh, come on Han…” Sam’s voice faded away as a flicker of movement caught my eye on one of the feeds. It was the one that was trained on the living room, yet the hallway that led to Smith’s room began to show someone walking down it. A man walked out, shirtless with the top button of his pants undone. His dress shirt suddenly appeared as a pair of hands pulled it onto his broad shoulders. The gaunt body of John Arnold Smith emerged; his thin smile caused a shudder to dance down my spine.  But what happened next caused me to shoot up with a shocked gasp.

Smith leaned down and pressed a hard kiss to the lips of the man, his fingers brushing over his face.

“Oh my God,” I breathed out before a smile lit up on my face. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”

“Hannah, what is going on? Talk to me, what happened?” Sam’s frantic voice suddenly registered in my mind as I grinned widely.

“I think the real question is: are you packed, Sam?”

There was a heartbeat of silence before Sam spoke. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” I tapped my finger to my chin as I watched Smith say goodbye. “It seems to me that Smith doesn’t really like redheads, or brunettes, or girls, for that matter.” I could literally hear the thoughts clicking in Sam’s brain. “And Samuel…it seems to me that you are exactly his type.”

“No,” he immediately said. “Nope, not happening. Nice try Hannah. You’re lying, I know you are.”

“Am I?” I gloated as I sat back. “Besides, would I ever lie about someone’s sexual orientation? I may be a cold-hearted bitch, but I still have a heart.”

There were voices in the background and I heard Sam hiss, “Don’t agree with her. There has to be another way. No way, this isn’t happening.”

I held back my laughter as I watched Smith wave goodbye as the man left the suite. I had to make sure to send Smith a thank you card after all of this.

“So, baby,” I leaned forward in my chair with a wicked grin, “What color suit are you going to wear?”

TAG LIST:

@reinakatarina @decemberftw @yehummno 

[fucknotgiven]

Do all of them Canadian Bae-con

THANK U NATE MY BIGGEST FAN

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

To some degree, yes.

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Absolutely.

3. Are you a virgin?

Nope.

4. Are you in a relationship?

Not anymore.

5. Are you in love?

I don’t believe so. It never got to that point, but I was close.

6. Are you single this year?

I wasn’t for a few months, but I probably will be for the remainder of it.

7. Can you commit to one person?

Without a doubt.

8. Describe your crush.

Drake foreva.

9. Describe your perfect mate.

Someone loyal, persistent, understands my humour and can make me laugh. Someone who communicates and doesn’t beat around the bush. Someone affectionate. 

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Naaah, man. I believe in lust at first sight.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

Eventually.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I forgive essentially everything and everyone, but I don’t forget. I’m also very good at cutting toxic people out and making sure they stay out.

13. Do you get jealous easily?

Sometimes, yeah. It’s something I’m working on.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Still grieving my last relationship, so I guess? They’re still in my system.

15. Do you have any piercings?

I do! Three in each ear and a nose piercing.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

Nooooope.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

It really depends on my mood that day, though typically no.

20. Do you shower every day?

I do.

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I’d hope they still do in some capacity. 

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Probably not.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Yup, undoubtedly. Done it before, lol.

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Not sure, but I do hope my life’s a little bit more figured out by then and if that includes marriage, so be it.

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I think I’m okay for the rest of the year. 

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

Yup!

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Probably. Discovered a few sketchy things after I terminated one of my relationships, but it didn’t matter at that point anymore because I wasn’t in love with them anymore.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

No.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

Nah man, I’m good.

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Duuuuuuh.

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yes, good lord.

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

Yes.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Yes.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yup.

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Not romantically.

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yes, although they started disliking the person after they found out I was being mistreated.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Story of my life, yo.

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah.

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

Yes, both.

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

Yuuuuup.

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

My hands don’t wander until I get the green light from whoever I’m kissing. So if they start touching me, I’ll follow suit. 

43. How long was your longest relationship?

Two years.

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

Boyfriends: 4. 

Girlfriends: 1.

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

Jesus Christ, I don’t remember. I just remember suffering vigorously during those two years because of some bullshit that I’ve since outgrown. 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

A few times.

47. How old are you?

23!

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

If it happened at this point in time, I’d be devastated. It’s hard for me to imagine them being with someone else but it’s inevitable and I’ll get over it sooner rather than later.

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I don’t anymore, but my favourite thing about him was his devotion to me and persistence. 

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Noooooooo thanks, lmao.

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

A few come to mind.

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Too many to count. For my own personal growth and mental/emotional health. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

There was.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Definitely. A few people.

55. Share a relationship story.

Nothing comes to mind right now. :(

56. State 8 facts about your body

1. has stretch marks

2. has cellulite

3. big booty

4. big boobies

5. has some scars on my stomach and my sides and sternum because of my gallbladder removal surgery 

6. no gallbladder!!!

7. comfy

8. loves pizza

57. Things you want to say to an ex

Thanks for breaking my heart and giving me strep. 

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

They’re all food and makeup related.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

A few years, tops. 

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Eyes, definitely. Also their hands??? Is that just me or nah.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Not fuck me over.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Penetration. 

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Not just physical, verbal + textual too.

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

I love having my breasts sucked and played with. I’m pretty much ready for anything after that, lmao.

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

I’ve never tried roleplaying in bed. I’m assuming that’s what the question is referring to.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Staying at home and napping.

68. What is your sexual orientation?

Bisexual, though I gravitate more towards men.

69. What turns you off?

Feet. Bad breath. Dirty/long fingernails. 

70. What turns you on?

Neck kissing and biting, ear biting, getting my nipples sucked, my partner enjoying themselves, etc.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

I’ve never had anything super kinky, but I do remember dreaming about having sex with the guy I was recently with for three days straight. I’m a lucid dreamer too so I felt everything. Felt like an ass because he was dating someone at the time, but I eventually had my turn and I’d say it was a pretty accurate representation of the dream.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like being called derogatory names. Slut, whore, bitch, whatever. I’ll deck anyone who calls me that outside of a sexual setting. 

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Show up at my door and hold me. 

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

DO DAD BODS COUNT?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I remember being really ill and my best friend went out of their way to buy me soup and bus to my house to deliver it and keep me company. 

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Someone fell really ill (temporarily) and I visited them twice during the peak of their illness to take care of them. Rubbed their back, held a towel to their head, napped with them, just little things to nurse them back to health.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

Not a supporter of large age gaps, especially if one person is still considered a child. 

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I really don’t have one.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

Not too long ago. I just wanted the person’s attention and I felt like I wasn’t getting enough of it.

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Today.

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

1. Rihanna.

2. Drake.

3. Idris Elba.

4. Keira Knightley.

5. Tegan Quin.

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

My best friend, Shai.

83. Who was your first kiss with?

Some dude in high school I ended up dating for a little while.

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

We both have a lot of personal issues and things we need to work on. The breakup was civil, I still have an enormous amount of love for him and I truly believe that one day we can make something work when we’re a little less bleh about ourselves.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

I did this once and it ended up being an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship. Whilst it ended sourly, it was a fully-fledged relationship as we did get to physically see each other and have a proper union. We just weren’t compatible in any sense of the word.