#fuckkk Im gonna kms

[thinmints-and-stars-in-your-eyes]

Been restricting rly well for the past 4 days and going through a big binge eating everything I know I won't let myself eat tomorrow

[jazz-kitty]

Wait which one of them is retaking the "am i gay" quiz at 60? Because I am 200% certain that for Elias that quiz was still answering "yes" when he was like 20 and contemplating if he's in love with Phoenix.

"My master gave me an emerald straight from god and it cured blindness I was born with and now I feel like I must dedicate my entire life to staying as close to him as possible at all times to ensure he is safe and well taken care of. Is this religious love of god?"

elias, 2 me :-)! sorry to be all "awww what good friends <3" under their metaphorical wedding photos but i always saw phoenix and elias as some kind of family far worse than husband & he/him wife. specifically they r like brothers to me, but even with that aside [since it's unfair to judge their relationship like that, since that's just how i see it as. i get why someone'd see them as lovers i'm just not that someone] elias is the most repressed LOSERRRRR OF ALL TIME

it takes him 40 years of standing by one man's side and then his death and THEN traveling back in time to see his father's own interpretation of the connection between the alcantara & hazel family for him to even CONSIDER. that. maybe solaris had seen him as more than just a kind of shitty coworker.

he'd take a gay quiz and have to close the laptop screen two questions in and lay in bed pensively for the next four hours

[koi-fish-boy]

My limbs were bandage city today y'all I kept gettin hurt 😭

First I accidentally burned my leg w a drill. I just finished using it and was checking the hole and accidentally brought it too close to my leg

Then I nicked my knuckle on some semi circle thing trynna get it off something else, forgot what it was called. But I bled a bunch and had to get a bandaid :P

After that I stabbed my finger with some wire on accident. It's like the cable thing that's made up of a bunch of tiny metal wire strung together I also forgot what that was called but I bled again!

Then I scratched my knee on the back of a hammer and, guess what? I bled again!

And when I got home the remains of a blister fell off and left me with just a hole in my heel so that kinda sucks :P

[thecoolerliauditore]

see cus so much of bdubs communication is based off of him giving the other person room to push back or react. it's why he bounces so well off of tango for example because tango is really happy to make snarky remarks that bdubs can set up.

but scott has this kinda polite coworker air about him like 90% of the time so I can't help but feel like in the case of a bdubs/scott team up if they do talk it would be something like. bdubs going "youghhhh awhh you little rascal you're hiding the entire worlds supply of sugar cane down here!!!!!" and scott would be like "well that's so that no one else can have tnt later :)" and the conversation just dies.

the best case scenario. For ME. Is if their personalities really just hardcore clash like bdubs treats scott pretty much like how he did during SL and scott just. doesn't match his energy and bdubs ofc sneaks off to go see etho like he always does and scotts like okayy bye ^^ but as soon as he's alone he's like fuckkk bdubs doesn't care about me he's gonna leave me i need some sort of backup plan cleo cleo are you home cleo can we be friends again 🥺🥺and because this is my universe and I make the rules cleo's kinda dismissive of scotts concerns cus oh you know bdubs is just. like that. and scott's like oh okay awesome awesome this doesn't worry me anymore! (it worries him)

and scott's like bdubs pleaseeee can you not antagonize people you're making us enemies!! and bdubs sees this as an opportunity to do his over-the-top confident schtick to try and lure scott into insulting him so he says some shit like "yeah well they can't get past me!! im invincible im im a MACHINE scott" and scott's like hahaha okay!! (gonna kms)

at some point scott tries to wrestle some inkling of control back and he's like bdubs. bdubs look me in the eyes bdubs etho has never done anything good for you he's taking advantage of you he's always taken advantage of you. and in listing the ways etho is Evil and Bad he has to kinda confront facts about himself that make him want to walk into the ocean. bdubs still isn't taking him totally seriously but HOW DARE he insult etho so he starts doing his whole fake-rage thing and scott is like well he-- well-- nevermind. and storms off like an angry toddler.

then bdubs decides fuck it there's something deeply wrong with this kid so he's like hey. hey etho scott says you're BAD. and ethos like uhh okay. and bdubs is like you're a BAD MAN ethoslab you have done BAD THINGS i need to DUEL YOU AT DAWN. and ethos like uhhh okay 😥 and scott has to referee their "duel" which is just like. them hitting eachother with wooden swords but they both have to spamclick cus. mindcrack nostalgia or whatever. and at the end bdubs is like okay i fought him scott are you happy i beat him up for his crimes. and scott's like okay awesome can you kill me now it's episode 4 but ican't take this anymore

[franken-loser]

GRRRR NEW TGS PAGE SPOILERS😠😠😠

She is so fed UP with victorias shit i love them so much

Me all day every day.

FUCKKK pls dont die henry I'll literally kms🙏🙏🙏 /j

GOD DAMNIT I HATE THESE CLIFFHANGERS WE'RE GONNA SEE HER FIRST FUCKINHG TIME SEEING HENRY GODDDDDDD im gonna sleep until next monday so i dont have to WAIT

[platimoonie]

I DONT WANT TO STUDY NOOOO PLEASE I DONT WANNA NOOO UGHHHHHHH IM CRYINGGG I HATE CHEMISTRY I HATE IT I HATE IT UFHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE AAAGHHHHH

I FUCKING HATE INORGANIC CHEMISTRY I CANT DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE IM GONNA KMS FUCK THIS OH MY GOD IM GOING TO BURN DOWN MY INSTITUTE I HATE ITT I DONT WANNA GIVE TESTS I HATE PHYSICS MY BRAIN IS HURTING ITS NOT EVEN ONE HOUR YET I DONT WANNA DO THIS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAA WAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAA

RELEASE MEEEE FROM MY MISERY I CANNOT I JUST CANT FUCKKK THISSS OH MYYY GODDDDDD UGHHHHHHHH

PLEASE.... please... I can't... *starts convulsing and passes out*

[notblue-bandit]

fuckkk i overslept my alarm didnt go off i have to tell my boss and ive already been late last week im gonna kms shes gonna hate me

[farewell-in-veil]

NEW ALAN BECKER SHORT GUYS IM GONNA FUCKING KMS OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO CUTE OMG FUCKKK FUCK

[raybeetle]

rayman 1

betilla: you look so fucked up rayman this is why your father left and also why i smoke crack which is also why you look so fucked up

me: wtf...

rayman 2

baby globoxes: wheres my dad

me: fuckkk

murfy: i love smoking crack too

rayman 3

murfy: km sorry rayman but our friendship was fojnded on unhealthy means if you cant quit i have to go. see you in rayman 4

me: ok

rayman raving rabbids

me: murfy they put me in the pen cuz i was giving crack to kids can you get me out of here

murfy: no only on the gba version sorry

rayman origins

mr dark and magician: hi rayman me and YOUR DAD love our fucked up son more than you lol

me: im too fucked up to care but this will probably effect me in the future

captain llaserhawk

board of directors: rsyman im sorry you care about racism but we replaced you because you fucking suck

me: What the hellll im gonna do crack.

[calliopes-cosmos]

FUCKKK

i have my english exam today im gonna kms :(

[zenyuu]

FUCKKK I WAS ON A WALK TODAY AND ME AND THIS GUY WATERING HIS PLANTS MADE EYE CONTACT AND I SAID GOOD MORNING AND HE DIDNT SAY IT BACK HE JUST STARED AT ME IM GONNA KMS

[khodorkovskaya]

okay here we go.

(translated with deepl)

here is my first impression of oxford bestie. when i read this i died. like who is this bella swan mysterious and lonely not-like-other-girls icon???

As I listen to other girls' stories, I look away. There I notice a cute girl with brown hair and fringe. I vaguely remember her from last year. I remember noticing her in maths class. She was sitting so lonely in the corner of the classroom that I thought. felt I felt a little sorry for her. That day, she stood out from everyone I'd seen. That's when I decided that when I moved to this school, I'd try to make friends with her. Today, she looks the same lonely, even though she's surrounded by people. I find it strange that, instead of standing with everyone else, it's like she's trying to fit in with the guys. I'm gonna have to find out more about her.

this is the part i read and wanted to kms. what in the weaboo emo teen is this somebody kill me.

The atmosphere of the new school distracts me from bad dark thoughts: that no one needs me; that I'm making things worse; that I should die.

"You like anime, don't you? - smiling sweetly *Manchester bestie* asks me before class starts.

"Yeah, I love it," I exclaim.

dEeP dArK tHoUgHtS ahhhhhh

After taking a warm shower and turning off the light, I lie on my side, staring at the wall, and listen to my roommates talking as they listen to music in the same bed. They're talking about virginity and how it's stupid to wait to get married. I think of Yasmin, who is adamantly against it.

"How long do we have to wait?" says Clara in a whisper. "I'm ready now!"

there's something so cute about this idk. like we were such babies.

"Oh my God!" gasped Yasmin horrified, looking at the mailbox. "That's Vladimir Stosic! The crazy Serbian who teaches us chemistry." Yasmin had told me a lot about Stosic. According to her, he's a Satanist and a member of the Order of the Dragon. They say he even has a devil tattoo! His daughter is in sixth form and it turns out he drove her into depression and she shaved her head. Even though he teaches chemistry, he's a bit of a mess and all he's told his students is that he killed his wife, by throwing a plugged-in light bulb into her bathtub.

bro whatttt what is this lore who tf is vladimir stosic 😭😭

then there's the scandalous berlin trip! and there's a passage about how my london bestie and my oxford bestie went to KDW to buy bras and it's so funny to read about bc it was such a scandal back then! like that's so cute. then we play truth or dare and i have to kiss my crush! 😱😱😱 also very cute and very much like "aww baby me, you were adorable".

then we go to the holocaust memorial and take very disrespectful photos that facebook never fails to remind me about every year. like "x years ago you took these super quirky photos" and every time im like oh god.

then oh my god! i put my head on my crush's shoulder!!! wowwwww (tbh that's more action than im getting these days, so 14 yr old me was winning)

then fuckkk okay i can't read this part. i had a north korea phase so i go on about american propaganda and how evil capitalism is. but not in a based way, but in a "im 14 and this is deep" way. fuck. and then i go on about gay marriage and how im such a passionate ally but not because im gay or anything i just like gay people and i believe in equality haha ha ha im not gay what. and then i talk about atheism and how religion is evil.

and then there's this

I've never been fallen in love with a guy before, and I don't know what kind of feelings are called love. Maybe I was in love with someone and I didn't realise it, thinking I just wanted to be friends with them, because you can feel that way about girls, too, right? Right?

and like bestieeee that's the gayest thing anyone's ever said, sorry to break it to you.

"Has anyone seen my T-shirt?" asks C suddenly, returning from the lake shore, where he was probably looking for it.

I look around, following the others' lead, and suddenly realise that, somehow, I've had his T-shirt all along! And how is it that after spending half an hour here by the fire, I hadn't realised I'd been clutching it to my chest. I hand it to C immediately, looking up into his eyes, the reflection of the fire playing in the muted blue.

"I'm sorry I didn't give it to you sooner," I tell him, putting my hand on his shoulder. "You must be freezing cold!"

"It's nothing," he waves it off.

you know, as cringe as it is like... there's something so cute and pure about this. like i want to hug my past self and tell her that everything is gonna be okay. and that it's okay to be in love. and that he's not worth it. like. i want to cry a little bit. </3

and then it gets even more heartbreaking for little me:

Suddenly, Dixie, a cute girl I had met long ago in my first German class, runs up to C. In her manner, she laughs loudly and hugs C, saying how cold he must have been the whole time. She strokes his head, pulling him tight against her.

"Dixie, Dixie," C resists, "I'm uncomfortable! I'm not cold at all!"

"Oh, come on, come on," she interrupts him. "Let's go to the tents at once! You're shivering, for heaven's sake!"

And with both arms round C, she leads him away from the fire.

It is sometimes embarrassing for her, for she, in her childish naivety, never hides her emotions. She probably doesn't even realise that such a thing is even possible.

I catch myself thinking that for the rest of my life, or at least for the rest of this school year, I'll be cursing myself for that I wasn't in Dixie's shoes at that moment.

babyyyy 🥺🥺🥺🥺 it's okay, you'll survive </3

and then! my bestie and C get together! and the book ends!!!!!!!

(and then there's an epilogue where i get into communism again and talk about how i hate rich people. no, literally, i fucking say that.)

so yeah....

honestly now im glad that i wrote it bc it's like a little time capsule of what being a teenager was like. like a pre-teenager id say. bc that was before my weird sugardaddy phase and sex and alcohol.

it's extremely badly written, but there's a charm to it. like i know 14 year old me was sincere when she wrote it and you can feel her pain and it's so precious. the overall ~vibe~ of it reminded me of elif batuman's the idiot (not literally. this "book" of mine is a 3/10 at best, meanwhile the idiot is a solid 10) in the sense that there's this awkward tension between me and my crush and it doesn't go anywhere and it's very pathetic and you just want to shake her and say "he's not worth it!!!". but it's so sincere and innocent and she just wants to clench his tshirt against her chest and look into his deep blue eyes, like that's so adorable.

anyway, yeah. what an experience.

my london bestie's family is moving (mum got remarried so the family house is going to her older sister, long story) and so she was going through her old stuff. and she found the book i wrote when i was 15 and gave it to me.

and i wanted to maybe translate some parts of it and put it on here bc it just feels appropriate. but im reading it now and it's so cringe like i am in physical pain reading it.

here is how i summarised it on my insta yesterday:

im in year 10. i befriend *oxford bestie* who's like this bella swan mysterious lonely brunette who's friends with boys

we go to berlin and it's like hbo euphoria but even more dramatic! there's erotic dancing and suicide tw

i develop a massive crush on C. guess who else has a crush on C? oxford bestie! 😱

i become a communist as a coping mechanism

common themes: lust, homosexuality, wealth inequality, alcoholism

3/10

[woahajimes]

im gonna fucking kill myself 

[vocalunits]

i hear a noise ... . istg if theres a bug flying somwhere in this room im gna kms .....like every window at our place is closed . how tf is this here ..... or am i imagining stuff but like what the fuckkk . also tmrws gonna b over 30 degrees n u bet i wont open that fucking window hehe

[x-cmf-x-blog]

Blog: Day 6*

July 18th, 2018 • 7:16am

Ahahahah hey. There is sooo much I have to say. I’m gonna copy and paste it from my spam, so if it doesn’t all go together, that’s why😂

• I got so fucking high when I was with Dylan & Georgia. It was great. I literally couldn’t stop laughing, Dylan brought snacks, Georgia kept telling dyl and I how good the movie was (even though she had her eyes closed), and I actually didn’t think I was dying!!! The night before, it was just Dylan and I smoking. I literally never cough, but I started coughing. I thought I was going to throw up & and I had to get out of the car. It was so bad. I walked back into Laekynns house to lay down, but I literally couldn’t fall asleep. Dylan came into Laekynns room & kept asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. I kept telling him I was fine😂 So he told me to just go to his room if I started feeling off. After He left, he had shut the door and turned off the light. So I stood up, walked back and forth for a good 10 min. Turned the light on. Opened the door. Tried watching YouTube. I literally couldn’t not think I was dying. It was so bad. Dylan was texting me all night, making sure I was good. It was the worst experience ever. I literally had to fall asleep with happy music on and the lights on. Then in the morning Dylan was telling me he knew I wasn’t okay and how concerned he was for me😂😂😂 lord bless me lmao

• So I posted this on one of my spams by accident, but I just kept it up. Anyways, this guy who was trying to get with me follows that spam. He likes both post, likes both, and then snapped me. He asked to hang out, but I hope that bitch knows this wasn’t about him lmao fuckkk (it was a picture and the caption said this “Why do I get nervous trying to hoe around lmao fuck me .I need to stop being a pussy wtf I just need a go through with it. I don’t even live here, so it’s not like it even matters. I wouldn’t run into him all the time after, so???? Uhhh fuck”. The guy who I’m trying to fuck is a dude named pudge, and holy shit he’s way too hot for me. I don’t know why he’s down to fuck.

•Every time I’m back in pa, I eat like shit. Then I gain weight, hate myself, get back to normal weight, and then I end up going to pa again. Like what the actual fuck km

•I need to go to sleep. I woke up at 6 am yesterday and haven’t fallen asleep since, so someone kill me. Anyways, this hot dude was snapping me and one of his best friends is my best friends brother. I’m staying with my best friend & so her brother said that the hot dude wants to hook up. Im so down, like holy fuck he’s FINEEEE. Like he had a firework show at his house a few days ago and he told my best friends brother to invite me, but he didn’t talk to me. Then the day before yesterday, he was snapping me and I said “uhhh why are you snapping me?”. I didn’t realize how bitchy that sounded & he left me in read😂😂😂 then I apologized because my friend said it sounded rude, which wasn’t my intention. I was just wondering why he wanted to talk to me all of a sudden. After I apologized, we started talking and yeah. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but please pray it’s fucking good.

• These aren’t in the right order btw ahahah

•I got drunk for the first time since last summer & omg I felt great. I was happy, I was singing, dancing, talking to people & more. Ughhh I completely forgot how fun it was to drink. I wanna get drunk again soon.

• A girl who I didn’t think liked me, talked to me at cherry fest ( I gtg, I’ll finish after I drop Laekynn off at the school)

[genderbattles]

a diary entry/word vomit

my mind is so full rn im finding it hard to focus (so this paragraph is definitely just gonna be sentences of random thoughts strung together apologies in adv), weirdly enough its not purely on the sad stuff like usual, im starting to celebrate the little things like new sunglasses or not crashing the car in driving lessons and having a good day at work lmao. idk today was a good day but Raz got sad and id be lying if I said it didn't kill me inside. she's genuinely my heart and soul and seeing her sad kills me more bc im like PLEASE DONT BE SAD BC IM SAD AND I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE SAD AND ITS GODDAMN HORRIBLE! fam keep telling her she's a failure which is weird bc she's doing better than me and they usually tell me im the failure? I gave her a huge ass pep talk bc she is a gr8 human and I said she's got a lifetime ahead of her and she said she only wanted to live into her 20s and it scares me incase she's not taking the piss??? I just want her to be okay and know her worth in this hell hole of a world. other stuff thats one my mind rn is gender KMS..........I want to transition BUT I know I can never come out bc fam are shite and ive already been through it once with being gay but it would be 3000 times worse coming out as NB and wanting to transition and go on hormones, surgery etc. acceptance will never come and knowing this makes me die a little every day. suicidal tendencies grow each and everyday I find myself asking ‘how much do you want to die rn karla?’ as a serious question and the answer is always a lot, whats worse is when I picture the future I have none and when I picture how Ill die its by my own hand....?theres also the constant reminder when someone uses the wrong pronouns that im not male passing and its the worst bc you tell yourself constantly that you're a boy and that you look so masculine etc then someone calls you she/her or any remotely female pronoun and you're back to square 1 and dysphoria hits you like a double decker bus. 

this para took a sudden turn for the worst which was noooot the aim at all so im gonna stop bc im not gonna ruin a really good day fuckkk:)))))