#fucking Verbatim. that shit was happening for months

[lord-radish]

I saw an ask recently abt Sonic Frontiers that was like "omg when is sonic coming out?!!?!?!" and the response was "when he's ready, be respectful"

and as many things have done over the past year and a half, it reminded me of my former best friend whose idea of trying to be supportive was to try and get me to discuss my sexuality, which I never did because I wasn't comfortable with outing myself.

like there was one time when he was like "yeah just like download Tinder or like grindr or whatever", there were other occasions where he just casually dropped that he didn't think I was straight, and he would get frustrated that I wasn't more open with him. And that ask really does sum it up - it wasn't respectful. He didn't respect my boundaries, and he wanted to force the issue because he felt entitled to know. He was upset that I wasn't sharing information with him despite him being my best friend.

I do genuinely think it was coming from a good place, like he wasn't trying to be malicious, but the fact that he kept pushing it when I didn't want to talk about it really bothered me. There was this attitude of like "friends tell each other everything, I don't like that you don't share things with me" - which is valid enough to a point. I did close myself off from him, starting years earlier and then more rapidly towards the end. He's entitled to feeling closed out.

But god, I have shit I want to keep to myself. There are deep, personal, private things that are mine to keep, and nobody is entitled to that. My sexuality is one of those things, and that's information that is absolutely, unabashedly okay for me to keep close to my chest. And to be prodded and questioned, to have people make comments about my sexuality to my face because they feel entitled to that conversation when I don't want it - that shit cuts. I HATE thinking about it.

Quick sidenote, if you're reading this David, you can go and fuck yourself a thousand times over. I'll never forgive you for eight years of shit like this that made me uncomfortable.

Anyway this post has been weighing heavily on my mind for a couple weeks now. And it all dropped from a comedy ask about Sonic the Hedgehog. Be respectful of other people's privacy, and if you speculate about that aspect of them, keep it to yourself and give them the space, privacy and time to deal with it and come to you IF they feel like it. Not WHEN, IF. If they don't tell you, it's none of your business. Be respectful.

[lovemyromance]

Honestly - when I made one of my best friends read ACOTAR a few months ago - she was team Gwynriel & Elucien ... but it's not why you think:

I had kept my mouth shut the entire time she was reading - you know, only offering the usual:

"Yeah, Tamlin is great...."

"Yeah, Rhysand sucks..."

"Oh yeah we love Rhys now he's the best fuck tamlin"

"Nesta sucks" .... "actually Nesta is my favorite"

"Cassian and Nesta are gonna get together for sure"

(Yall know the drill)

She didn't have much thoughts on Azriel - just that he was quiet and seemed like the hot quiet bad boy type.

Then when it came down to Elain, she was very clear on the fact that she didn't like her. She said "Elain is so boring and annoying - girl needs to get some shit done!!"

Which is fine. Nobody's forcing anyone to like a character. (I was so sad yall 😭😭)

Interestingly enough, she was a huge fan of Lucien. Like I think she liked Lucien more than feyre even (which is a ... choice lmao).

When Elain & Lucien became mates she genuinely was shocked. "But they have nothing in common"? She said. "They haven't even met?"

She was mildly intrigued because she thought this would be Lucien's happy ending.

But then she got to ACOWAR. And immediately I get the text:

"Ugh - Are Elain & Azriel gonna be a thing?"

She doesn't even like Elain. Like very vocally, she is in the "that boring gardener girl" camp. But even SHE knew what was happening.

She was initially annoyed because she didn't want Lucien to be unhappy. Verbatim - because she didn't want Lucien to be unhappy. She made it clear she doesn't care about Elain.

I'm like 😔. Ok it's fine you hate one of my favorites 😫 at least you're honest

By the time she finished ACOWAR & ACOFAS - she was convinced Elriel was a thing. Don't get me wrong - she wasn't HAPPY about it - but she had grudgingly accepted it.

Then she reads ACOSF. And yall are gonna love this - but initially she shipped Azriel with Emerie (before she found out Emerie liked women). She was like "they're both Illyrian and this would be so perfect she seems like exactly the kind of woman Azriel would like if he finally drops Elain!"

She didn't even think of Gwynriel as a possibility until she read the BC. The controversial BC.

For me - it cemented Elriel. But for her - suddenly she decided that she likes Gwyn much better than Elain, and Gwyn should be with Azriel so that Lucien can have his HEA.

Now I was like "Et tu, Brutus?"

But then she made it clear when she said "No I know Elain &Azriel are going to happen - especially after that steamy bonus chapter that ALMOST made me like her..... but a girl can dream."

She didn't like Elain - but she knew Elriel was gonna happen. She loved Lucien & Gwyn way more - but she accepted it was going to be Elriel.

So just based on this very casual non official sample size of one, the casual reader knows what direction the book is headed in. What they WANT can be highly different than what they THINK is going to happen. But there is a distinction.

Peoples personal preferences do not change what is in the books. Casual readers know that, even if they hate Elain or love Lucien or love Gwyn or Azriel. It's only the hyperactive fans that think they can twist words to somehow change the narrative of the story.

[velvetvexations]

The "ideal range" including being cishet. If anyone says the words "AFAB privilege" to you, get the fuck out of there. No trans person has any privilege over anyone else.

Transphobes are very aware of trans men and other trans people who menstruate who aren't women. Transphobic cis women and TERFs especially are pissed at "making mentruation gender-neutral" because of their "divine femininity" bullcrab based in bleeding once a month and being able to get pregnant, because "men couldn't handle that" and that makes them ~special~. So men* and other people who aren't women doing those things (literally just... menstruating and some of them getting pregnant) and "visibly"** doing so pisses them off. (*I mean both trans men and intersex men (wether they're trans or cis or both or neither or whatever) btw, **visibly meaning just existing and not hidding in a hole when they're pregnant and, well, TERFs simply just having to see menstrual products that aren't plastered with Venus-symbols and "GIRL POWER" and all that shit, and hear people say "pregnant people" and "people who menstruate". Because apparently that is enough to "destroy womanhood" and "erase women". But those terms aren't used for trans women primarily, but trans (and intersex!) people who menstruate and get pregnant but who aren't women. Idk how people keep forgetting that.) (Has nothing to do with the rest of the ask, but my TikTok did that literally twice. I saw the beginning of some extremely transandrophobic videos and the app shuts down before I can even get angry or scroll. And then I get a cute dog video instead, which is what I'm actually on TT for. I don't know. I think that's funny because those two exact instances where the only times that happened. Probably my brain's just fried rn and it's not actually as funny as I think but whatever.)

TRFs barely want to acknowledge you exist, they seem to think no one else could possibly care about you and that you should simply be thankful they allow you to reblog their posts about how all transphobia is transmisogyny.

while hes a virulently antiasian asshole, among other things, so his actions arent surprising, there are others who share his opinion. like i get the sentiment behind it. chinas attitudes and laws regarding lgbtq rights are appalling, let alone its treatment of lqbtq+ people and their advocates. but saying you wish this non-western thing was remade in the western is still a racist thing to say when the the western media has readily and blatantly stolen from non-western stories, media, etc and remade things verbatim just with an all white cast. i know people want more rep and i understand that but please consider what youre saying especially when you are consuming media whose countries of origin circumstances and culture you do not understand. also it was really weird that james somerton got called out on tons of shit, rightfully so mind you, including but not limited to plagiarism, misogyny, transphobia, being a scammer and yet no one said a word about his out right antiasian racism when he was making multiple videos talking out his ass about asian media. idk just think its kinda strange.

I didn't know about any of that, but it does sound like Somerton.

[loving-family-poll]

(Confession) I think I’ve got some fucked up cheryl blossom shit going on. growing up I was isolated as an only child literally living in the middle of the woods with only immediate family and I had imaginary friends to keep me company. But they weren’t friends to me. They were my siblings. I actually fucking called them Sister and Brother. Like that was their names.

I was so lonely growing up I used to write fanfiction about me having a twin brother. I wanted someone my age to play with and be close to and I was always drawn to sibling type characters as well as emotionally incestous stories but I didn’t know what that was back then because I was so young. I knew objectively incest was wrong but I was so desperate for someone to be mine, to be close with me and stuck with me so they couldn’t leave me like my friends had as the years went by.

I have two cousins, both a few days apart from me in age. One a guy, one a girl. For some reason I always wanted a brother specifically, I couldn’t tell you why. This guy cousin, I’ll call him Scott, felt like the answer that I had prayed for. I used to daydream about him being my brother. Similar to an anon a while back, we physically fought a lot. I bested him everytime because I’m a buff girlboss or something. I was obsessed with him and there definitely was some emotionally incestous stuff going on from my end—and from what I’ve observed over the years, especially pretty recently now that we are in college, it seems he’s physically attracted to me.

Whats strange about this is im not physically attracted to him. I’m not physically attracted to men at all, really. I’ve always liked women. They were what my first sexual fantasies were about, the first porn I watched, I could go on. Somehow I didnt realize that I liked women until highschool even though I did all of that. It was all because of a movie I watched and I fell in love with the movie character who was a woman and I realized oh. I’ve never felt that way about any of my boyfriends before, or even Scott. Like not even comparably close. That weird nervousness I had around him paled completely compared to the feeling I have for women.

I didnt feel this call for a sister as desperately as I did a brother, but I think that might have been because I always found it easy to become close with other women. An example of how this affected my realization of my sexuality was that I definitely had love for my best friend who I only knew for a year. I’m not sure if I was really in love, but when she moved away it was absolutely fucking horrible. I wrote her letters and left kiss marks on them as my signature and I cried every day for months imagining kissing her before she left “as sisters”. Like that was an actual verbatim thought I had. As sisters. I thought about telling her I loved her and eventually this led to my having fantasies about her etc etc etc. I never thought anything about it until years later.

The other cousin I mentioned, I’ll call her Laura, definitely had some emotional + physical incestuous feelings for me as we grew up. She used to beg me to shower with her, bathe with her, skinny dip with her, do anything and everything with her. She once begged me to let her shave my pubes. I have never had good boundaries and I didn’t really see a reason to say no even though it make me a bit nervous. She was the one with sisters, this was just some sister ritual that I didn’t understand because I had no siblings. So I let her do whatever she wanted and I catered to whatever she asked of me. Over time she started to pull away from me and I didn’t understand, hadnt I done everything she had wanted of me?

About eight years passed where I barely saw her but I learned to live with it because essentially the same ghosting happened with my friends in school. I didn’t understand why they left me but I couldn’t change it so I went with the flow. But randomly she started talking to me again. It was weird because it felt like we were getting along way better than we had before which I hadn’t even noticed was strained. And she was flirting with me. Telling me that my makeup looked so pretty on me, that my hair smelled good, and that she loved my dimples. I smiled at her once and she said, “ohmigosh, you have dimples. I love dimples on girls.”

Very quickly we made it clear without being explicit that we both were into girls one night. Nothing happened, but I think being open like that made her decide to stick by my side for the rest of the visit, unlike her usual routine, and she made me sleep in bed with her and go everywhere with her, like when we were kids.

Then she got a boyfriend.

Last visit I was dejected but happy for her because she seemed so much more happy than she had at any other time in her life. But then, I think, she made a move on me. We were at the local pool at nighttime, all alone. She mentioned wanting some ice cream before the shop closed next to the pool and because my love language seems to be acts of service and turning into mush when pretty girls bat their eyelashes, I very unsubtly ran off to get her ice cream. I think she knew by then that she had me in her clutches because her entire mood changed.

She came up close to me as she ate and very slowly crowded me against the wall. I was like an actual pile of mush trying and failing to eat my own icecream as she talked and I got that feeling in my chest, one I had never had with Scott, ever. She reached to me and adjusted my swim top strap and then brushed my hair out of my face and my body actually buckled. I had thought I was a top up until that point but im. I guess not. And then she fucking asked me if I thought the two of us would be able to fit into the bathtub together, again, like we used to.

I said yes and we rushed off back to the house and I was in the bathroom waiting for her and….she never came in. I went out to see where she was and she was with our grandfather and I did actually subtly ask her did you want to take a bath or anything? Because I’ll take a shower if not….and she told me she was just going to wait etc etc etc. and then I remembered. Her fucking boyfriend. Shit.

If Laura asked I would do absolutely anything for her. I think with Scott we have this Something Weirder Than Sex shit going on and I don’t know what to do on either front.

This is long as fuck but a good read that shit w Laura is wild

[bagadew]

I genuinely do not know if Google is actually getting more and more unhelpful, or if there’s some secret hidden way of using it everyone knows but me.

Like, verbatim either doesn’t work or gives me results that are even less relevant. Putting - in front of a word doesn’t actually exclude anything. I have to try and type in at least 10 different ways of phrasing the same simple question, just for it to give me something even vaguely on topic.

At this point I genuinely feel more autistic trying to deal with this site than I do in 99% of social interactions. It feels like the damn thing’s operating on its own set of rules that it won’t let me know. Google is free but it won’t tell me shit. It nitpicks through the words I type just to grab hold of the thing that will let it make a planet sized leap away from where I’m trying to get to.

Today I wanted to find out if the snowfall in the UK is slowly getting later. It feels like it hasn’t happened in December for a long time, but my memory’s unreliable so I want to check. I know the information I want is out there. It should be really easy! I’m asking for the history of snowfall from a country I know for a fact documents this stuff!

But I have been here for almost two and a half hours now and I have turned up NOTHING! This browser is convinced I only want to talk about a White Christmas, and if I try to widen the scope to the rest of the month it springs off on a tangent where the most relevant result is an American article for holiday makers claiming that it only snows in the UK between December and February. My memory may be bad but even I know this is a lie. The best I could get was when I went fuck it and tried to go to the records directly, and that was an article where the latest date mentioned was 2010, which wasn’t useful when I’m looking for the weather statistics from within my adult life.

Like, I have to be doing something wrong right??? I swear I didn’t used to spend this much time doing research only to turn up nothing. Surely it can’t be this frustrating and useless for everyone, right???

[swearyshera]

I’m sorry what??? You have a furry ex who (tried to?) committed murder?! Alice you can’t just share things like that and not give us the full story

Oh, there is the most batshit crazy story behind it. I'll stick it under the cut because it has next to nothing to do with the blog (other than to provide partial explanation as to why I'm like this). Cw for murder and horrifying sexual acts.

I'll also say, just before I start, that some of you may be aware of this - may even be aware of my involvement - so I'd ask you not to talk about me in relation to it too much. I've changed a few things about myself (including my name) to try and ensure a clean break from it, but I'm happy to talk about it still.

So... Cast your mind back to autumn 2008. At that time, a sprightly young 20-year-old me met a 19-year-old guy that we will call Steve (that's not his real name). Now, being woefully naïve and having at-the-time undiagnosed BPD, I was the sort of person who would fall deeply in love with anyone who showed me the slightest bit of kindness, and Steve did. He seemed caring, had a wild sense of humour, and genuinely appeared to love me back.

And what that did to me was that it made me ignore an entire truckload of red flags. His house was one level above a squat, bare floorboards and windows, no heating ("We can just snuggle under a blanket and share body heat") and I'm pretty sure he spent more money on beer and DVDs than he did on food. But I didn't seem to give a shit, those rose-tinted glasses were stuck firmly on, so I just ignored that stuff. There was worse, too, things that I felt a little uncomfortable with at the time and only realised years later were... well, let's just say I'd implore everyone to be able to identify what consent does and doesn't look like, because it's not always clear when you don't know for sure.

Anyhow, we'd been together about 4 or 5 months. He spent Christmas with me because he had no family to go to, I visited his house, played the "slightly bemused partner at the furry meet-up" role a couple of times, and things (at least to me) seemed to be great. Then one weekend in February, he mentioned that he was going to see some friends - absolutely fine by me, he did that fairly often and I didn't think anything of it. I texted him in the evening asking him how his day was, and he replied "Had a good day, but didn't go meet them".

That was the last message I got.

I didn't hear from him for the rest of the evening. Or the day after. Or the day after that. I got worried, because it wasn't like him to go silent - he wasn't even online on MSN (2000s reference!). And then I got a message from his aunty asking if I'd heard from him - that rang alarm bells. I reached out to a few of the people he knew, and no-one had heard a thing.

He'd been 'missing' for about a week and a half when I got another message from his aunty. She asked me if I knew a guy called Craig (again, not his real name), and I didn't. Then she asked me something that I can still remember verbatim to this day, she said "Do you have a loving family? You're going to need them, I'm sorry." and sent me a link to a news article. I clicked through to find a story in a local newspaper about two men being held for attempted murder. One of them was Steve.

The next few months flashed by as I found my belief about who he was completely trashed and flipped upside down. I discovered he'd been seeing multiple people behind my back, including this Craig guy, and I tried to find out what had happened, and what eventually came out was a completely other life that I didn't know about. I spoke to the Police about him, and was expecting to speak as a witness at the trial (in the end, thankfully, I did not have to do that). But the reality of what happened was fucking wild.

Steve and Craig had developed some weird-ass master/pet relationship, which led to 'role play' about killing Craig's parents. Craig felt that they were controlling and he'd only get peace if they were gone. In the trial, Steve testified that he thought it was not serious, although if that was the case, why did you fucking do it. On the night he sent the last message to me, he had been at Craig's house, made a show of saying goodbye to him and his parents, then waited in a nearby park. He played a game on his PSP to pass the time.

Later in the evening, once his parents had gone to bed, Craig texted Steve to invite him back in. Once he'd arrived, he was handed a knife and told to go upstairs and stab them which for some fucking reason he agreed to. Now Craig's dad was thankfully on the ball and wasn't quite asleep, and he fought off Steve and wrestled the knife from him, before restraining him and calling the police. Initially, Craig was thought to be an innocent bystander, but he was soon arrested too. Steve was charged with attempted murder and conspiracy to murder, Craig with conspiracy, and in court, both were convicted of conspiracy to murder (but cleared of the attempted murder charge).

If you think it doesn't get more fucked-up than that, boy, do I have a surprise for you. Imagine someone's asked you to commit murder - you'd want something in return, right? And indeed, Craig did offer Steve something. What, you ask? Money? A means of escape? Nope! For successfully killing Craig's parents, Steve would have the opportunity to bite off Craig's dick. I am not joking. If he stabbed some middle-aged people, he would get a fucking sausage sandwich.

So yeah... that's what happened. My life has been an absolute soap opera (although honestly, this seems a bit far-fetched even for that - but I swear to you, every word of it is true).

[makeste]

update part two: THE SPOILERING

~*~THIS POST IS ENTIRELY ABOUT BNHA MANGA SPOILERS.~*~ IF YOU ARE NOT CAUGHT UP WITH THE CURRENT EVENTS OF THE BNHA MANGA, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST. I do have a separate "hey guys I'm back" update post here which is spoiler-free!

THIS POST, THOUGH, IS NOT SPOILER-FREE. IT IS THE OPPOSITE OF SPOILER-FREE. IT EXISTS SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISCUSSING THE BIGGEST, MOST SPOILERLY SPOILERS EVER. IF THAT IS NOT YOUR DESIRE, PLEASE PROCEED AWAY FROM THIS POST WITH ALL HASTE.

I am, however, assuming that something like 90% of this blog's readership does, in fact, know exactly what this post is about, which is why we are going to TALK ABOUT IT right here and right now underneath this tidy read-more.

okay, so! gonna stick with the random imaginary Q&A format from my other post just to make things easier.

1. "wow makeste, way to randomly go on spoiler lockdown hiatus for NINE WHOLE MONTHS only to MAGNIFICENTLY DROP THE BALL by running smack dab into THE BIGGEST BNHA SPOILER OF ALL TIME."

I know right??

2. "so what do you have to say for yourself."

short version: I made the critical tactical error of existing as a human being in the general vicinity of the internet in early August 2022. very poor move on my part. rookie mistake.

long version: so there I was, minding my own business, watching the trailer for BnHA season 6, as one does. when out of nowhere, YouTube's algorithm decided to be all "OH? THIS PERSON LIKES MY HERO ACADEMIA? BOY DO I HAVE A RECOMMENDATION FOR THEM." next thing I know, I'm scrolling through my YT home page and ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE'S A DETAILED PICTURE OF MY SON'S MANGLED BLOODY CORPSE, RIGHT NEXT TO AN ALL-CAPS DESCRIPTION READING -- I SHIT YOU NOT -- "BAKUGOU REALLY JUST DIED!!! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!"

seriously though. that is word-for-word verbatim what it said. the internet literally got right up in my face and said "OHOHO!! LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY FORGOT TO DELETE LITERALLY ONE SINGLE MHA-RELATED VIDEO FROM THEIR WATCH HISTORY! TIME TO DESTROY HALF A YEAR'S WORTH OF PAINSTAKINGLY DILIGENT SPOILER AVOIDANCE IN ONE EARTH-SHATTERING BLOW!" and just like that, my miraculous fate-tempting seven month spoiler-free streak came to an end. the sequel to blah blah SIXQUIRKS. something something BAKUGOU DIED. JUST THOUGHT WE'D SHARE THAT LITTLE UPDATE WITH YOU. HAVE A GOOD ONE, AND DRIVE SAFE!

so naturally my first reaction was basically just. looooooool :) :) :) what the fuck.

here I am. a working mom. who left her seventeen-year-old fictional son in the care of a 36-year-old Japanese man for the better part of a year because HE SAID he would take good care of him. Jump Festa 2022!! quote unquote!! "I’ve said this to Okamoto [Nobuhiko]-kun in LINE, but Katsuki will be having his greatest scene in the manga in future developments. I hope people who like Katsuki and hate Katsuki will look forward to it." bruh. we have the receipts right here! "greatest scene," he said! oh, goody, I said! something to look forward to when I finally have the time to catch up! "yes," Horikoshi smiles evilly. "something to look forward to, indeed." this fucking guy. can you even believe.

and just to be clear, when I say that I was otherwise 100% not-spoiled up until this point, I mean it. one hundred percent. I had absolutely ZERO knowledge of anything past chapter 339. the last I saw of Bakugou, he was hanging out with the rest his class showing off his cool new moves to Deku and being blindsided by Aoyama's betrayal and stuff. then bam. seven months later, fate mails me a postcard of him lying on the ground with a bloody hole in his chest. like WOW, OKAY. ZERO CHILL. OF COURSE THIS WOULD HAPPEN THE ONE TIME I DECIDE TO GO ON HIATUS FOR TWO HUNDRED DAYS, SMDH.

anyway so that's my story.

3. "so exactly how spoiled are you?"

lol I'm not even sure. I guess my best answer would be, "SOMEWHAT?"

or, if you don't mind reading more words, I can tell you exactly how spoiled I am by summarizing the Things That I Do Know in a bullet list.

THINGS THAT I KNOW

all of this apparently takes place between chapters 359 and 362, with 362 being the big "oh he DEAD dead" chapter. I think. based on all the fics that have since cropped up on AO3 with ominous chapter 362 spoiler tags.

I am pretty sure Bakugou was fighting either Tomura or AFO when it happened.

I have this vague idea that somehow his heart exploded or something?? like I don't really know the details, but that's what I've been able to glean.

apparently Jeanist and Edgeshot were involved in some sort of effort to save him?? but apparently that didn't work out too well I guess. OR DID IT? I actually do not know.

I have the vague impression Edgeshot may have also died, somehow, as a result of those heroic efforts. OR DID HE? again, I actually do not know at all. this is basically the knowledge equivalent of me overhearing half of a phone conversation between two people who were trying to recollect half of a phone conversation that they in turn overheard, several months earlier.

lastly, I know that Bakugou was apparently carrying around his All Might trading card from waaaay back in his chapter 118 flashbacks, in his pocket or something. because he's a giant fanboy nerd. who wanted All Might to sign it. but was too shy to ask I guess. "WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS SENSITIVE SIDE OF HIM COMING?? BAKUGOU CARES ABOUT THINGS??? HE REALLY DID LOOK UP TO ALL MIGHT JUST AS MUCH AS DEKU THE ENTIRE TIME??? WHAT A DEVASTATING REVEAL?!?" is how we were supposed to react to this, I'm guessing, lol. but I'll have you know that SOME of us have already written approximately 1200 essays on how much of a secretly sensitive All Might weeb Bakugou is, and so WERE ACTUALLY NOT SURPRISED AT ALL! yeah that's right! TAKE THAT HORIKOSHI. TRYING TO CATCH ME OFF GUARD AND MAKE ME CRY. WELL YOU WASTED YOUR GODDAMN TIME, because I would have cried anyway! and I did cry! and I will cry again!

anyway so yeah. and I think the card got blown up and/or otherwise destroyed somehow, just to add insult to injury. which, don't tell anyone, but between you and me, I'm not sure what he expected. "let me just take my precious limited edition All Might trading card, my most prized possession, along with me into the intense final battle with the final villain. for good luck or whatever. there's no way this could possibly end badly." did he even bother to put it in a zipper pocket. wtf were you thinking Katsuki. again I do not actually have the slightest idea since I have not actually read this chapter lol.

anyway! so that's everything I know! and let me just add to that a quick summary of things which I in turn do NOT know, the short version of which is: Literally Everything Other Than What I Just Typed Above. including but not limited to:

whether Bakugou actually was fighting Tomura, or AFO, or both. ??

who was fighting with him (except that for some reason or another Deku wasn't there, because I guess he fucked off to go do something else?? you and I fell into the exact same trap there, Deku. "surely Kacchan will be fine and dandy for the next five minutes or hours or days or however long while I go take care of this Other Important Business." yeah, you would think so, wouldn't you? BUT WE LEARNED OUR LESSON, DIDN'T WE.)

what Deku’s reaction was (but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say: PISSED)

literally anything else about the context of this fight, including where, when, and why it took place.

literally everything else that has happened in the manga since chapter 339. for real you guys. I just have to stress again how utterly out of the blue this was for me. to read this spoiler completely without context. WHAT HAVE THESE CHILDREN BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS. I'm terrified to learn the answers lol.

anyways but moving on now to the most important section of this post, starting with the one question which I think is by far the most pressing and important, and which I can thankfully answer with a single sentence.

4. "so... do you think he actually is dead?"

no lol.

but since you insist, here is my list of Reasons Why I Don't Think Bakugou Is Actually Dead, based on my nonexistent knowledge of the events of the past 40 chapters, and the actual context and details of his death. and I guarantee there is not a single point here which has not already been discussed to death on thousands of other blogs, but dammit I've been stuck without an outlet for all these thoughts since August, so the hell with it:

so for starters, in my experience, characters whose older selves narrate the story From The Future ("in that moment, there were no thoughts in my head... my body just moved on its own") tend to be pretty immune from dying, overall. just throwing that out there.

from day one, the series has made it very clear that this is the story of how Izuku becomes "the greatest hero" (more recently retconned/updated to become a pluralized "this is the story of how we ALL became the greatest heroes").

also from day one, Katsuki's narrative arc has been set up as a (first contrasting, and then later evolving to be more complementary) parallel to Izuku's, down to them having the same goal.

as the series has progressed, that concept of "becoming the greatest hero" has been further defined as "becoming a hero who always wins no matter what, and always saves everyone no matter what."

Katsuki in particular has expanded on this idea to emphasize that the greatest heroes are the ones who save EVERYONE, no matter what. "I made a pledge! I will achieve absolute victory, every time! we're taking this 4-0, no casualties! the strong don't settle for anything less!" and more recently, "because to live up to those ideals and surpass All Might... we gotta save you, the civilians at U.A., and the people on the streets. because saving people is how we win."

therefore, any victory in which either Katsuki or Izuku dies in order to defeat AFO is not a perfect victory, and will not result in them becoming the greatest heroes.

this is also a flagship Shounen Jump manga and the spiritual successor to the Big Three, meaning this would basically be the equivalent of killing off Sasuke or Zoro or Rukia. a.k.a. not gonna happen ever lol.

on top of that, it's also Horikoshi's tribute to Western comics, particularly those produced by Marvel, a.k.a. the guys who practically invented the No One Ever Stays Dead trope.

and last (actually not last but this really is getting too long) but not least, the number one reason why Katsuki cannot and will not actually die: because AFO does not get to win. seriously. he just doesn't. he got to kill All Might's important person and be all smug and cruel about it. he killed Nana's family and was all smug and cruel about it. he's tormented generations of heroes by deliberately targeting the people they love most. and so even without me knowing the actual context or circumstances of Katsuki's supposed "death", I have no doubt that's why it happened, because that's what AFO does. and that's who Deku loves. and so of course AFO would try it, yet again. that's his fucking modus operandi

but, because he is the final villain, we know he is going to lose in the end. and so this, imo, is the biggest and simplest reason why Katsuki isn't dead: because if he is actually dead, then AFO wins. even if he himself dies in the end. he gets to go down knowing that he took a part of the hero with him. he gets to hold on to that one last triumph. even though he loses, he keeps the hero from winning and saving, and he gets to savor that.

so, since we know that he's NOT going to win, because this is a "good guys win" type of story and not an "evil prevails, sorry, it's called REAL LIFE, bitches, enjoy your tears" type of story, that means that Katsuki is not actually dead. or will not stay dead. either way. period.

anyway so yeah! that's basically the gist, though by no means are these all of my comprehensive thoughts, and I can safely promise you many more rants to come, especially as I prepare to take on the challenge of reading through 39 new BnHA chapters with the foreknowledge of my son's untimely not-death looming in the back of my mind the whole time! looking forward to that! both ironically and unironically! should be interesting to say the least lol.

so on that note, one final q&a before we conclude:

5. "is it cool to discuss other manga spoilers with you?"

I would prefer not to, mainly in the hopes of trying to preserve as much of the "pure" unspoiled liveblog experience as possible, both for myself and for anyone else who cares to actually read said liveblogs. I do already feel bad for depriving people of the experience of watching me naively frolic my way through the upcoming arc(s) all BLISSFULLY UNAWARES lol. instead you'll have to settle for watching me timidly cry my way through while yelling at every single character who blindly tempts fate with their stupid foreshadowing comments. and don't even try to tell me there won't be foreshadowing comments. I know what type of story I'm reading. and more importantly, I know exactly the type of person who's writing it. ~*~gReAtEsT sCeNe~*~. you son of a bitch. THIS ISN'T OVER, HORIKOSHI.

anyway, so basically I would prefer to be as spoiler-free as possible, same as always. but I also no longer have the time or frankly the will to police every potential spoiler out there, so at the end of the day I'm pretty much just going to leave it up to you guys! also because I figure that at this point, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN lol. (but for real there's probably a ton of important stuff that could easily be ruined still, so yeah if you don't mind let's just try to steer clear of all that lol.)

[captainsolocide]

solo talks about elementary part 3

a continuation of these posts. don't mind the four months between this and part 2 :) these points cover season 2

the good:

Mycroft is here! I was wondering if he was going to show up; with Holmes' father being in the picture in this adaptation, I thought they may have had him absorb Mycroft's role

Watson being a good detetcive on her own! Love that she's seen truly as Holmes' equal in their partnership; she has less experience, obviously, but she can still hold her own in a lot of these investigations

Watson starts to become a bit of a blindspot for Holmes in this season which is one of my absolute favorite tropes <3

the bad:

the first two items in my list for season two go like this:

please I'm begging you not to have Mycroft and Watson fuck please

goddammit

SERIOUSILY WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

hated that plotline

Holmes says he prefers working with the cops 🤮🤮 babe please this isn't you

wayyyy too much focus on Mycroft, even outside of his stuff with Watson. genuinely could not give less of a shit about him in this adaptation

???

this is a new category I'm adding when certain themes or plots have both positives and negatives

for season two we have a couple, the first, which I'll reproduce from my phone notes verbatim is

I HATE HOW STUPID THEY'RE BEING ABOUT THEIR DESTINY YOU ARE IRREVOCABLY TIED TO EACH OTHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES AND THERE IS NOTHING EITHER OF YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT AND THE SOONER YOU REALIZE THAT THE BETTER

meaning of course that this is Holmes and Watson. this is Holmes and Watson. them trying to be normal and have a normal relationship is just. not how this works

on the one hand, and I can see how Watson not realizing this makes sense, and I can accept that.

on the other hand, Holmes is not supposed to fucking leave Watson to go work for the MI6??? hello???? he's supposed to know if no one else does??? surely he should've known that Watson moving out would've been temporary?

the only plus from this plot line is that I as the viewer knew it would have to end at some point

the other plot line that goes here is a little parallel I noticed, where season two almost acts as a pseudo-rechienbach

Mycroft fakes his death so a super evil criminal organization thinks he's dead and doesn't try to kill him; Holmes leaves Watson for an extended period of time, and gives no indication he's ever planning on returning; he leaves her a note telling her what happened; Watson moves out of the brownstone while resentment and hurt at Holmes' abandonment is left to stew

you can see the resemblance to the end of The Final Problem

I think this is really interesting if it was intentional because it does a couple of things

it leaves Moriarty for Holmes; she's not dead, and you can still have a big final showdown between them if you want (and I'm almost sure that'll happen at some point) but you don't have to do that right now. she gets to stay a part of the story, but you're still able to get to that point with Holmes and Watson without getting rid of her

Holmes doesn't lie to Watson. He doesn't tell her the whole truth, and he still up and leaves out of literally nowhere, but he doesn't lie to her. There's still hurt and a loss of trust, but you avoid the horribleness of making your best friend in the whole world believe you're dead and then coming back (on the other hand, if they do end up doing tfp properly and holmes fakes his death and doesn't tell watson... the fact that this whole thing already happened makes that soooo much worse. so. let's hope it doesn't)

Some reasons I didn't like this

because Holmes is not the one in danger, his reason for leaving is a lot less noble than his reason in tfp; Watson merely suggests the idea of her temporarily moving out and he loses his mind and flees the country. what are we doing here

one of the most heartbreaking parts of tfp is the note Holmes leaves Watson at Reichenbach. the note he leaves her at the end of season two? PATHETIC. where's the heart? there isn't even any attitude or anger, it's like two sentences telling her he got a new job and left.

[aetherbound]

It’s been a week since I posted about turning off Discord notifications…and they’re still off. I feel somewhat better, but I keep fluctuating between barely functioning to having enough social energy to send a few texts over discord. Hopefully I can be more active again.

Thanks for being understanding, I love y’all <3

A wall of personal ranting text is under the cut, I just needed to let it out somewhere that isn’t my venting notes.

I worked 51 hours in two weeks and made $408. My half of the rent is $435. We’re okay, my partner makes good money to pay a few extra dollars, but he shouldn’t have to. I should be making more money, but I’m not. I don’t have enough leftover on any paycheck after bills and groceries to afford a car payment and car insurance.

And the best part is? I need a car to get a better job to make more money to pay on more important things. Right now my partner and his parents drive me to and from work, but I’m actively trying to get a license and car so I don’t have to rely on them. It seems impossible to buy a car with what I have left over from paychecks. I’d get laughed at if I said I could only put $20 down at a used car lot.

My managers are assholes and I’m told in a joking way “You suck.” “You’re slow.” “Shut up, no one wants to hear you talk.” I wish I was exaggerating and not quoting verbatim. Realistically, I’m not doing a bad job. My managers are just older men who like to use rude humor. My PTSD symptoms are still flaring up more often because they purposely slam things and laugh when I jump and cover my ears. On three separate occasions I’ve had to tell people NOT to use my deadname, and if it happens again I don’t know if I can keep calm and not scream.

In all my 24 years of living, of domestic violence, borderline homelessness and more horrors, I’ve only had 6 months of peace. Then that’s when the whole cancer fiasco started. I’m a year out from my last chemo infusion and my stress levels have been the same. Did I really just survive cancer to STILL be stressed? To go from a good job and shitty household to move into a better household and shitty job? My life is a fucking joke.

I’m waiting to hear back from a Filipino restaurant to see if their hours and pay are better, but I’m still looking at other places to work in case it doesn’t work out. I have an appointment next Tuesday to ask my doctor about getting medicated. Something to get my anxiety stabilized or something when I’m about to spiral into a panic attack.

Things will get better, when you’re at the bottom the only way is up. But I’m fucking exhausted man. I’m tired of coming home from work and feeling like I want to scream and break shit. I’m not a violent person, I’ve never even screamed at someone. I’ve not ever thrown things. When I’m angry, I just cry or be silent.

I just want things to be better before I completely break. I feel off, and that’s besides from my depersonalization/disassociation being heightened. I hate feeling irritable and numb. Maybe I’m being too sensitive and need to get over it.

But the sun will rise and so must I.

[martyrbat]

will say with some hindsight (and now that im in bed and its done until tomorrow) that i don't think most higher ups in a company is used to autism audacity and its really funny to throw them off with it. i called a vice president's home phone. like her actual fucking ell phone. i argued with her for several hours and called out every fucking lie she attempted. i got transferred to someone ‘to voice my concerns to’ that was so far under her that i just hung up and then called her cell again IMMEDIATELY and said, verbatim, ‘im sorry if my direct approach is untraditional and making you uncomfortable, mrs [name]. but if you want to sneak around and stab people in the back, someone is going to turn around and confront you about the knife you just put in them. as i was saying—’ because?? okay she just killed me. she literally took away every penny we scraped by when we already havent had a paycheck in a month and have been relying on relatives to shoplifting because the nearest food bank is over a hour away and we dont have money for gas. hes either fired or quitting to try and find work so... whats the worse that can happen. i went around with her for HOURS about contracts, payrolls and pay sheets, warranties, and arguing for just basic fucking worker rights. then called other ppl (from different workers in the company to the distributors and garage workers to other drivers to swap info on their end and share what's we found out on ours because yea im gonna get people pissed and the whole thing is slimy with the different shit theyre telling ppl) just to confront her again at 9pm (this literally started at 6:30 in the fucking morning) like... okay autism audacity (and union lover).... i see u.

[anethara]

i/p conflict. there is nothing coherent under this read-more. also a slur. and typos probably.

so. when i signed up to take this seminar about israel (ironically, about two weeks before 10/7), i did so thinking, "well, who knows. hopefully i will learn some new stuff and wrestle with this subject i have largely rejected whole cloth on account of annoyance." i expected to meet information i did not like or that made me uncomfortable. that's fine. that should be the drill, really, if you're jewish. "disturb us, Adonai, ruffle us from our complacency; make us dissatisfied" etc etc. and do you know what? it has changed my mind about some things - although, probably not the way the hartman institute imagined it would (the curriculum is a decade old). i'm not going to get into all that right now though.

no, i want to kvetch about something else that has happened in this class. i need to bitch and moan about the fact that almost no one else in the class seems to have come to the table with the same attitude. and i wonder: what the hell did you think we were going to discuss? we're talking about the challenge we face as reform jews in grappling with the israeli government's abject ideological failures. the whole program exists to resuscitate a conversation that had basically been abandoned by millennial jews because if our jewishness is in part defined by a commitment to social justice, we cannot feasibly support a state that flagrantly flouts those principles! so most of us threw our hands up on the subject of israel, and especially us american jewry - we said 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

when all of this really popped off and suddenly every gentile could identify israel on a map, i was disgusted to realize something i've heard from basically every other jew ever, especially older folks: we will never really be assimilated, not truly. you're not nearly as american as you are jewish. this was logical knowledge, but until i experienced the ensuing tire spike of leftist antisemitism, it wasn't practical knowledge. it was like saying "yeah yeah i know how velocity works" and then getting into a neck-breaking car crash. because of this reaction, i did what a lot of us have done for the last few months: i retreated. i retreated because there has been no escape. in an age of surveillance normalcy and clickbait news, i cannot avoid incendiary headlines; goyim i haven't spoken to in months have flocked to my dm's (or invited me to dinner! without warning!) to ask me about my opinion on the war - a handful of these inquiries have been well-intentioned, if clumsy good-faith attempts, but most of them have the putrid aftertaste of "are you a good jew, or a bad jew?" lingering on them. even my beloved blue hellsite is not safe for me. and believe me, i have gotten very good at curating my dash over the years, but you people have found a way to fucking blast me with some of the most rancid, white supremacist tinfoil hat shit i've ever seen out in broad daylight, so to speak. i cannot tell you how many times in the last few months i've seen mutuals reblog something that made me think, damn just call me a kike and move on it will be better for both of us. so yeah, i've retreated. my non-jewish social circle shrunk exponentially within a matter of days. something i've had to repeat a lot is "i will have this conversation with other jews but i'm done having it with gentiles."

and now. and now. i cannot have this conversation with other jews!!!! at least, almost none who i see and interact with regularly. overnight, three fourths of my reform congregation turned to populist, nationalist rhetoric. people who months ago were championing reproductive freedom are now saying alarming things about the "duty" of jewish women to produce, and this is verbatim, "lots and lots of jewish babies!" today, in class, i had to fucking hand-hold someone through a reality check about the fact that hamas was not democratically elected so much as """democratically elected""" (read: at gunpoint) and you could see the gears turning, you could almost physically watch as this woman realized that if what i was telling her was true (which rabbi corroborated), that would logically terminate her justifications for violence against palestinians. "i just feel like if you support israel's military actions, there's no space for you in this conversation," she said, referring to the class. never mind that every fucking week we get derailed and the thing devolves into arguing about philosophical potholes and logical fallacies (which would be fine on saturday morning but this subject begs a slightly different tone imo). all we fucking do is hear out the pro-bibi spiel like patient parents and then gently try to offer facts and information only to be told we aren't 'making space' for the opinion that 'war crimes acceptable actually.'

anyway, all this to say that i am feeling deeply isolated and lonely right now. i don't want to talk to my remaining gentile friends about this. i can't talk with other jews about this, apparently. i haven't attended services in months (i'm usually there every week, fri-sun). i've been showing up to class via zoom (which i hate) so that i don't throw hands.

i gave rabbi a ride home the other night. she asked me, in the most earnest voice i have ever heard from another human being, "so. how are you doing?"

i do not know what compelled me to reveal this, especially to someone i have not had the easiest relationship with, but i said, "i'm sad. i'm lonely." she nodded. "hanukkah sucks this year. everyone who has ever conveniently forgotten about the maccabees for the last several decades - everyone who has celebrated a sanitized festival of lights so that we could compete with the christian slice of the hallmark card market - is suddenly trotting out the story of the revolt." she was still nodding. "and now, they've all gone and conveniently forgotten about how the hasmonean dynasty ended."

she seemed to chew on this for a moment. i like that about her. then she said, "if they ever even know about that part to begin with."

[savnofilter]

okay!! since mofos still wanna kekeke and harass me, this will be my final post before i block everyone and get on with it!

it's very clear of who is sending me hate and you're actually weird as fuck. if what you do and enjoy is never that serious, why are you still posting, commenting AND subbing me? there were literally periods of time where i literally did not say anything, and even said for people to stop responding to me because i did not care what had to be said. but i was repeatedly brought back multiple times (which apparently means i am seeking out arguments bc i don't back away from internet people who try to intellectually one up me). mind you, again, subbing with no direct @ because y'all are pussy ass bitches--against someone you do not even know. to play pretend that you're so grown and edu'macated for literally bullying someone for not agreeing with you is insane work, really. then it's pretending you aren't encouraging me being harassed just because i don't think you need rape, incest, pedophilia etc in order for a work to be considered gothic or horror. 🥴

you would think that i was in that comments without any reason, just on my own volition and was just arguing with every and anyone and checking over 4 MONTHS (this is sarcasm for any ditzy bitch reading this) in a comment section that i kept forgetting it existed until another jobless twat wanted to go another round with me. the way that you keep saying the characters i write for are 14 when they're not?? 😭 considering i was their age when i joined this fandom and will not be writing them pass my twenties.

dark content, proship, etc. people like them claim how they are unbothered and living their full life of dark ecstasy, but cry about how they are harassed, get sent hate etc. but verbatim do the same thing to someone who hasn't gone out their way to interact with any personal works, favorites and so on. only because they do not agree on a subject matter... the so called "mature" side. just because im outnumbered doesn't make me wrong, bookie! at the end of the day, you all are still white, privileged pieces of shits who have nothing better to do than have one sided and weird ass beef with someone (me) who doesn't know or care about you.

i'll state my proper argument once and for all, which will be ignored because y'all are just bullies who picked someone random to pick on: on the contrary i do NOT have an issue with all dark content. as many antis like me only have an issue when it's glorified, sexualized and just produced or consumed in a way that diminishes it's importance. every story has a message whether or not you want to admit that or not, and it's time to stop pretending like people don't learn things from the things they consume. when works are heavily misconstrued is a very uncomfortable and jarring experience. many antis who are like me do not like the way it's handled (ie; lolita is NOT a romance story but had perverted into that idea). you are incredibly naive to believe that any and all ways to write dark content is inherently good and okay. it does not work like that for any other media, why is it excused for dark content? someone not wanting to see it portrayed like that should not be mocked for having boundaries. you lot want to be edgelords so bad. no i do not care about your past experiences, and YES it is normal for you to fall into such coping strategies but just because that's what happens under those circumstances does not make it "normal" for everyone else. you're just a byproduct of your abuse.

also thank you for continuously doing the work of posting about me and then directly sending me hate? also keeping the same cadence and speech as the way you type? cuz if you wanna keep throwing rocks and handing your hands you are a lewser. have fun making spare accounts to send me hate cuz all y'all will do is just resort to talking shit about me on your blogs AGAIN. 😭🤷🏽‍♀️

gothic literature post

-> @/bluebeardsfinalgirl post one, two & three.

-> @/wiltshired post / @/prince-luffy.

keep it cute, either say my name/directly @ me, or keep it off the playground.

[rumble-aint-a-rumble-without-me]

i saw something about the “all too well short film” argument, and i think you said you didn’t know what they were talking about??? well, you’re in luck, because i just discovered that a few months ago i wrote down the argument in my notes app verbatim. the man in the short film (he doesn’t have a name) is the one who begins speaking first.

“why are you so pissed off?” “i’m not pissed off, who said i was pissed off?” “‘cause you’re acting pissed off. it’s ridiculous. these are my friends, and they were super fucking nice to you, too.” “well, i liked your friends, i never said i didn’t like your friends—“ “why were you being—“ “i didn’t like the way that you acted around them.” “you were being weird and quiet the entire time!” “i was not being weird—“ “yes, you were!” “because you wouldn’t look at me!” “oh, come on.” “you could ask me one thing the entire night!” “such bullshit. that’s such bullshit.” “you dropped my fucking hand! what am i supposed to do with that?” “i even even fucking notice, what are you talking about ‘i dropped your hand’?” “i don’t know any of these people, they’re all strangers, they’re all older than me!” “but, like, what are you talking about?” “i feel so out of place, you’re the only one that makes people comfortable—” “you’re making this about you!” “they won’t even look at me!” “i’m catching up with friends! you’re literally i dropped your hand, like, what— i don’t even remember the moment that you’re talking about. how can you be, like, attacking me about something i don’t even, like, fucking know? i was doing it subconsciously, i was catching up with people—“ “don’t, you’re making me feel fucking stupid!” “holy shit. i don’t think i’m making you feel that way, i think you’re making yourself feel that way. literally a moment that i don’t even fuckin’ remember that you’re, like, fuckin’, like, holding me hostage over. it’s insane! it’s fucking crazy! these are people i haven’t seen in, like, ten years and you just sit there the entire fucking time. it was fun, i actually had a fuckin’ blast! now— now, this is the night. now we’re doing this. awesome, so fuckin’ awesome.” “you just treated me differently.” what do you mean i ‘treated you differently’?” “you didn’t even look at me once!” “what are you talking about, ‘i didn’t even look at you’?” “listen to me!” “i’m catching up with my friends—“ “no, no, no, no, trust me, they were enthralled by you, of course, of course!” “i’m so— you’re literally making the entire night about you!” “no you’re the perfect person— you didn’t even look at me!” “holy shit, holy shit. i can’t, i can’t. it’s so fucking selfish. it’s literally, like, it’s so crazy. you’re making it all about you.” “oh, so i’m selfish now?” “yes!” “i’m selfish now.” “you’re making it about you, you’re acting self— i’m saying you’re acting selfish, absolutely. right now, that’s exactly what’s happening. don’t fucking look at me like that, that’s so fucked up.”

and then in the film he sweetly apologies 😞😞

i’ve been waiting for so long to whip this out and use it.

You’re a lifesaver, did you know that?

[psykoz]

ok so some things that have happened at my job

- coworker said the r slur in front of me, a few others, and one of the front end managers. manager says nothing to stop it and in fact jusf laughs and agree w the overall statement (halloween costumes looked [r-slur]ed). this is significantly worse as not only am i (not openly at work for fear but pretty obviously) autistic, but the field we are working in is specifically with seniors with a specific type of mental and intellectual disability

- person who hired and trained me and is an assistant, also higher position not a manager technically but on the management team, learns i dont celebrate xmas thru an email i willingly send, totally fine. but days later, unprompted and unrelated, she str8 up asks why i dont celebrate and i feel the need to reveal some inkling of religious beliefs which i really do not want to do

- literally wont tell me half of the things i need to do/not do until after i fucked up anr get reprimanded. they never told me what the callout policy was, until after i recieved a write up for breaking it. they didnt tell me a security feature for someone had been updated, until i almost messed up SECURITY and a coworker had to tell me it had been changed. theres more but pointing out every time would get tedious and repetitive

- already blamed me once for having "too many missed calls" despite every one of those missed calls having been before my start time or after i am meant to clock out, some even having come past midnight or before 6am when im still hours away from even needing to be getting ready to clock in, outright admitting that it was more likely because their phone system isnt patching back to the after hour line, or after hours people are just not picking up the phone. and still called me in for a full 8 hour "training" shift where i spent well over 75% of the day sitting, not working OR training and thinking abt how much shit i needed to get done in my personal life and how wasteful this was, because of something out of MY control when im not even fucking clocked in.

- my bosses have all been on at least one vacation in the 3 months ive been here. despite being called, verbatim, "the last line of defense" and being in charge of peoples lives, having to potentially de escalate an angry senior if i tell them they arent allowed outside, and having to be around people that are dying at least one person every week or 2, i get no benefits and no chance to even accrue vacation or sick time. i would have never accepted a job with not benefits or sick or leave if they had explained to me the full scope of the stressors i have dealt with. i know for a fact my ptsd has gotten more severe after this job and i went thru a traumatic experience that i wont talk abt bc it was out of the hands of my job tbf, they couldnt have stopped it from happening, but i have still been exposed to multiple deaths and one event ive been unable to stop thinking about and fearing. they have never suggested grief counseling is available to any employee

- sometimes they put up fliers for mandatory meetings/trainings without sending any text/email about it. this sucks for so many reasons. i just may not see them, i have multiple disorders that give me memory issues so having a reminder on my phone would be helpful, qnd the worst of all: they have put up fliers on a day i wasnt working for a mandatory meeting, on a day i wasnt working, and i did not have another shift until 2 days AFTER the meeting that i didnt even know happened bc they didnt bother to let me know despite me being physically unable to see fliers if im NOT THERE.

[these-invalidated-thoughts]

A Checkpoint from Hell

I’ve stop breathing in that faculty room. Although its more on verbal, I still can’t get myself into details. Considering what he did - I just can’t take the future abuse. I told myself there is always another year and another school, not knowing that that experience made me discourage. Contemplating, I’ve decided to stop going to school without my parents knowing. So, to cover up my absence, I took a gap year secretly and work in a mall to refocus my mind out of it. The job was surprisingly fun. I was a sales associate assigned in a school supply department. I attend customer’s needs and sometimes help them bag their purchase and accompany them to the parking area below. I was fine and recovering, until shit happens again – the checkpoint from hell.

Every time you go outside to help a customer, you needed to go thru a checkpoint. A full-body check from a body guard. To be honest it is perfectly normal. But then again I was too naïve. Not to blow my own horn but during HS I am somewhat considered as “well-liked” – I know ugh! So, weird interactions are not new to me. Moving on, there’s this two old lady guards around their late-30s who was assigned to that specific checkpoint who keeps eyeing on me (again I’m not blowing my own horn). It is not paranoia, but an observation. To the fact that everytime I enter, they giggled. When other workers tend to pass, they only did a full body check for 9 seconds – 3s from the top, the waist, and below knee – that’s the normal way. But weirdly when I pass, they tend to check me over a minute. Touching my ass aggressively, groping my crotch when you’re not supposed to be, and sexually sliding their hands unlike others. I saw her giggling to her coworker about doing that same shit while prolonging the process– its nasty as fuck. Imagine you have to experience that shit once you enter and exit every day. It became comical to them. I chose to shut my mouth - I was 18 at that time. Although some may argue that it is just part of the job – you are right. But I am not blind nor numb, this is different. It’s a case of power tripping – a nasty one.

I tried to voice out my concern about the repeated incident and address it to my department manager but all she did was laugh and told me “busy pa kaau ang HR para ana dong!”- I was flabbergasted. I prayed every day that no customer would go to that parking area, but due to less manpower - I have to experience it. Months have passed, the same thing happened - this time she was alone. The worker before me passed easily as usual. Then when it’s my turn, she gropes me again in those specific areas. And because I was so done with that shit, I told her verbatim “hinay hinay lang teh!” then she proceeds to open the front of my brief while smirking blissfully. And at that time I explode “Unsa mana teh?!” she replied- “Ay sig angal angal dira, ireport taka sa Hr run”. Unknowingly, I countered back- “Gaminanyak lng man ka teh!” - while tucking my pants on. The facility echoed with silence, the few workers in line stood as if they knew what’s been happening. I walked out while she’s giving me the middle finger. I tried to wipe my tears in that empty hallway, washed my face, proceeds to go back in my area, then continue to smile as if nothing happened. –  days later, I quit.

[lifeofmjepino]

Life Update

Stuck in this terradome All I see is terrible Making us hysterical There's got to be more, got to be more Sick of this head of mine Intrusive thoughts, they paralyze Nirvana's not as advertised There's got to be more, been here before

I think for new life updates I might add a song and highlight some lyrics to the post but I'll see how I feel next update

WHAT IS LIFE??? It's been 2 months since I've dealt w some bullshit with my breakup. A couple days after my last life update, my gyno called me and told me that I was diagnosed with HSV 1 AND 2!?!?!? With all the shit that I'm still processing with trying to get my life together, I still can't believe it. I was looking at my phone in shock and my mind was like NO MF WAYYYYY BROOOOO LIKEEEEE WHAT THE ENTIRE F U C K!!!

I was already accepting that we were never getting back into a relationship. My feelings about him had been checked out, and then I got the diagnosis from the gyno. The gyno proceeded to tell me that it was in my blood and that I hadn't had it before when my ex and I first got tested together. I asked questions within the lines of like when I got it and she said it's undetermined but I was definitely from within then and now. I had already felt the denial but then I felt the delusion coming in. I didn't want to feed into the fact that he may have been unfaithful but I also just couldn't believe the diagnosis. I was hysterical and had to literally calm down because I called my sister first when I had the diagnosis. My sister was also in shock, but I had to figure out how I even got it in the first place.

After we broke up I had sex with 3 previous sexual partners, before my ex. I had to message all of them to make sure they got checked. I didn't think I would be the one to get it, but all of them had been clean before they got with me, so it left my ex as the carrier. I had concealed the information of my diagnosis from my ex for a whole month. I had other unresolved feelings about how everything went down between us so I had to figure out how to tell my ex.

It was so stressful and nerve-racking because I wanted to tell him right away but I didn't want to risk anything as well. I had to remind myself that I was not dealing with a rational person. He had bothered me about some items that I had taken out when I was moving into my parents' house and moving a lot of my things to my mom's office and using it as a storage room essentially. I had created a letter and it consisted of my emotions from everything that had happened and the diagnosis. It took me a while to make sure all of it made sense. I had made a draft of the literally a week before my diagnosis. With the new information I had to figure out what approach was more appropriate. I wanted to do it in person but other options were to talk to him over the phone or I would text him. I went with telling him in person with our therapist as the 3rd party.

Last week I told him exactly 2 months of the breakup and 1 month of the diagnosis. I had requested for him to come to the session for one last time as a joint session. I had read my letter to him doing the emotional part first. The emotional part of the letter was how I felt about our relationship and downfall of it all. I had described how I felt when he acted and behaved like he really didn't care about me and our relationship. I was literally crying and struggling to say what I had wrote and when I finished the emotional part he "apologized" like verbatim he said "I'm sorry you're going through that" I felt how fake that apology was but I didn't bother to acknowledge it because I had let my standards and expectations low about how he would react. It was like I was looking into an empty shell of a person which is probably the most fucked up thing about it because I really did love him.

The second part of the letter was short and was about the diagnosis. As soon as I told him about the diagnosis he acted totally different. He was looking up what HSV was and then he assumed that I was questioning his faithfulness to me and I told him this was just to only tell him about the diagnosis and for him to get checked. He then asked if I had told my parents and he was super upset about me telling them and he thought I was unfair for talking to my parents about the diagnosis. I was so confused because I didn't think that my parents' view of him would matter to him that much. He was very persistent in wanting to talk to my parents to get his voice and side of the story to them rather than being more concerned about the diagnosis and all of the ways he had treated me like shit. He then asked if I had gotten tested before and he thought I had withheld the diagnosis from him when we were together and I said no. Later he had tried to call me after the session I didn't answer and then he texted me about talking to my parents. I didn't reply or answer any calls.

Within that week I was still getting phone calls and texts about him wanting to talk to my parents. He still added me onto the insurance plan luckily. I then replied to a text about talking to my parents and I told him if he feels so entitled to talk to them that he would talk to them directly not to me. He didn't answer me after that.

I'm still processing a lot but I'm doing my best to keep moving forward from it. I'm very blessed and grateful for my support system which consists of my family and closest friends. I had moved in with my parents until the time being. I had to give the car back along with a few other things that I took out of our house. I know that therapy and reiki are helping me out a lot to process but I still have a lot more healing to go. There is still so much out in the world that I need to experience. Unfortunately due to this new diagnosis I definitely need to be a lot more careful now more than ever.