#fucked up that they told her that her infant child was dead when he wasn't

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

So Lian just has a younger brother that she's never met, huh?

Jade had a son with Catman. And they named him Thomas... aka Tom.... because he's a tom cat I guess?

[weltato]

I'm going to gush about a very old character (as in the original run of the show is very old, not the character himself).

Hello Tumblr! I remembered the finale of M*A*S*H the other day, as you do, and it just hit me as to why I fucking love Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce so much.

If you don't know this character/show, dw, I'm keeping things under the cut so you can scroll away :)

If you want to read on anyway, warning for infant death.

So, Hawkeye :)

My goodness, this man is SO well written. I need to explain to you why I find him so endearing.

He's a jokester, that much is obvious right off the bat, so he pranks others and can get a dig at others quite well, but he never does it maliciously. Well, sure, he's an ass to Frank and Charles most especially and will absolutely take any and every opportunity to fuck with them, but he's not out to actively harm anyone.

Which is nice, since he's the Head Surgeon. You'd like to think that your Head Surgeon isn't a serial killer.

He's a ladies man. A chronic ladies man. He makes a pass at almost every single nurse at camp - especially Houlihan - and that's iconic about him. But d'you wanna know what's even more iconic?

As soon as he finds out the girl he's seeing is married or in a relationship, he'll stop. Sometimes he's even outright asked if they're taken, then he'll make a joke and move on if they are.

Hawkeye isn't a marriage breaker.

And I love that about him. He doesn't want to come between couples; it doesn't matter if the marriage/relationship is a happy one or not, he's not about to go and break up a marriage/relationship for his own personal gain. He's just not that kind of guy.

Any time kids come into it, he's immediately protective. He's not going to show a child more pain and suffering when they've already been brought through a warzone and are probably orphaned now and also had to have major surgery.

I mean, that's his whole thing in the finale. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!

Quick reminder for context: in 'Goodbye, Farewell and Amen' we begin with Hawk away from the M*A*S*H and in a mental hospital for some reason. We (the audience) don't know why, but it's clear that everyone else (the characters) do know. Hawk doesn't think he should be there and seems pretty miserable about it, but then we learn why he's there - a baby died.

And here's the kicker: Hawk blames himself. He thinks it's his fault that the baby is dead. Why?

Well, at first he remembers the event as everyone having a fun day out for once and Hawk in the back calling out for a bottle of something alcoholic for a guy he's sat with.

Then it turns out it's not for fun. The guy he's with is bleeding out, he needs a bottle of either the clear stuff (idk what that would be, I'm not a medical student) or a bottle of blood for a quick transfusion.

What's great about how this scene is shot is that, at first, it stays with the upbeat and happy tone from Hawk, but then the deadly silent and morbid passing of the bottle, and then it shifts to the darker tone.

Now, that's not the baby scene.

Here comes the baby scene.

Hawkeye at first remembers a woman with a chicken when the bus ran into enemy territory and everyone had to be quiet. The chicken wasn't quiet and so he asked the woman if she could get the chicken to be quiet. And it was. It just stopped.

Sidney asks about it - "It stopped?"

"Yeah, it stopped."

Then we cut back to the woman at the back of the bus. The crying woman at the back of the bus. And the still bundle in her arms.

It was her baby. Her little baby that was also crying just a few seconds ago. The noise that Hawkeye wanted to make stop because they'd be caught with all these casualties and innocent people and he's stressed, ok?

That baby is dead. The mum had to smother her own child so they wouldn't be found. And Hawkeye is distraught over this, because he's the one that told her to.

Ugh. I can't even. This man has been through SO much and has seen death and destruction daily, so much so that he's basically numb to it at this point, but a baby dying is too much and he just breaks-

He's in a high stress situation 24/7, it makes sense that eventually the rock of the 4077th would crack. He couldn't say goodbye to Trapper, Henry died on his flight home, Radar left them to go back home to his mum - Hawk has the friends he still has, of course, but he's only human and a human can only take so much.

It's when Sidney deems him well enough to at least go back to the camp that Hawkeye gets his next challenge. Wounded have arrived and they really need him to help out, so he does and it's going pretty well for the most part (y'know, as well as meatball surgery can go) until a child comes across his table. A little girl, probably no older than 6 or 7. Everyone in the room goes quiet, though they're still working since they can't exactly pause while elbow deep in someone's guts, and Colonel Potter (or BJ, I can't remember which) asks if Hawk's ok. BJ (or Colonel Potter) says he can take her. Sidney watches on as Hawkeye takes a second, looks this girl over, then nods.

He can do it. Sidney smiles - his job is done.

Sure, it's hard, but Hawkeye can work, and that's all he needs to know.

Hawkeye, the man who loves a joke and loves messing around with his friends.

Hawkeye, the man who chases after every 'single' woman but not the ones in relationships.

Hawkeye, the man who plays pranks on the whole camp but is kind hearted enough to never cause actual harm because he believes in the Hippocratic Oath so. strongly.

Hawkeye, the man who cares for the children that come into the M*A*S*H despite having none of his own because those are children and they should be anywhere but a war.

Hawkeye, the man who sticks around the longest out of everyone (except Margaret since she's there as long as he is) and can always find something to smile at even though he's always wanting to leave and never does.

Hawkeye, the man who takes his job very seriously and gets angry when other doctors try to come in and flaunt their fancy-schmancy skills that mean nothing out there.

Hawkeye, the man who takes offense at generals who think they can change something when they don't know what the fuck goes on at all.

Hawkeye. The man I would love to be friends with.

I love him so much. I love the writing of him so much. He's just...he's Hawkeye. And I love him.

[simm-mouse]

It's been over three years since Nervous ran away, and the Beakers have run out of Nerv's blood that they had from the many tests that were run on him. The second clone is dead, so what do they do now? Well get more of course. However it doesn't have to be blood, any form of dna can work. They probably paid some schmuck to go get that because they don't want to look sus about it, also they don't have the time for that. The dude brought back one of those disposable cups that they took while hiding a dumpster waiting for Nerv to throw it in there. Since Nerv is a nasty man, the cup has a lot of spit. See I told you the cup was important. So they used all the spit they had collected to make a new Nervous clone. But there was an error as the cloning machine.So the cloning machine breaks down, fuck. Wait hold on, an actual clone was formed. The cloning machine also ages up the clone so it's the same age as Nerv, however the process stopped while it was in the infant stage. This clone looked different. It also looked like, Pascal Curious?

Turns out that cup was actually Pascal's, but Nervous wanted to try whatever he was drinking. Then gave it back all spitty and shit. Pascal doesn't want that back, you keep it ya nasty ass. That idiot who grabbed the cup appeared after Nervous had it back in his hand. The machine ended up mixing both their dna, and basically made a baby that was biologically related to them. It couldn't handle two dna samples so it broke. Well shit, what are they gonna do with it? Why isn't the baby moving, it's not even making a noise. Wait what time is it? Fuck, they're gonna be late of work if they don't hurry up. It seems the clone didn't even last a second, they need to fix the machine when they get off work. They'll just hide the failed clone in their trashcan and bury the body later in the backyard. Just like with the past two clones. After the Beakers drove off to their jobs, a half an hour had passed.

Pascal walking by the Beaker's home(Pascal seems like the type of guy who does morning walks), and hears crying. Sounds like it's coming from the trash can. He opens it and sees something moving in a trash bag. After opening it up, he finds an infant girl. What the fuck is going on? He picks up the infant and then immediately brings her back home while trying to comfort her. Nervous is confused on why there's a baby, are they babysitting for someone? Pascal explains what just happened, and Nerv immediately freaks out. What do they want with a baby? Were they experimenting on someone's child they kidnapped. At this point Nervous had regained most of his memories. This gave him flashbacks of when the Beakers kidnapped him while he was walking home. Pascal calmed down Nervous, it'll be okay. They have the baby, safe from those two monsters. Still, they'll have to take the child to the hospital to see if it has any problems. Tycho was still sleeping. Lazlo was asked to watch Tycho while they took this baby to get checked out. Good thing they still kept Tycho's old car seat.

Circe wasn't seen by them during their visit, so at least they wouldn't have to see her. After the infant was checked on, the doctor informed them that she was related to them both. Uh, excuse me what? How is that possible? Now there's more questions flooding in their heads than the ones they already had. Though it wasn't all that surprising, considering she did look like both of them. The infant also has a birth defect in her heart. The ventricular septal defect(VSD), which is one of the birth defects that has a hole in your heart. It required surgery, so she has a heart scar on her chest. Other than that, she seemed healthy. They can't just let this kid be put up for adoption, even if she wasn't related to them. For all they know, the Beakers would've gotten her back after finding out that she's still alive. So they decided to adopt and raise her. They ended up naming the child Lilibet

You may be thinking, why don't they call the police? Well, the Beakers probably have connections. So they wouldn't be seen as guilty of such a crime. They probably have tried before with Nervous. Trying to tell the police that they were the reason Nervous was kidnapped all those years ago. But nothing was done about it. Also the authorities are pretty shit there. How do you think Olive had those graveyards literally on her front lawn, and no one suspected it was her? Pretty sus if you ask me

Fucking finally, wow. Took longer than I thought. Like I said before, I wanted to remake this because it didn't really make any sense. I didn't further explain why both of their DNA was even in there I was just like "I don't know, it's a mystery lol". If I'm going make a backstory on a sim that was originally made just for fun and playing with genetics, then I'm gonna do it right. It was pretty busy yesterday so I only had time to make one drawing. It's Lil Curious snoozing after having surgery

Thank you for waiting patiently for me to finish this, and also reading this because it's a lot to read. After work I'll be back on doing those headshots, and making something for tomorrow

I also have linked posts related to this here:

[anxiouslittlepossum]

"#because she assumed he'd be like everyone else#girl didn't even give him a chance"

And that's the thing isnt it! He wasn't like everyone else.

He tried to be by shit he tried to be but he wasn't and everyone could tell.

Clear neurodivergence aside, he was too kind hearted to every truly hurt a dragon. A golden opportunity, brought to his feet by his own invention, made by his own two hands, victory in grasp to prove to everyone that he wasn't dead weight, that he was as good, better than the rest of them, a dragon slayer, killer of the Night Fury, a dragon nobody could ever even see for more than a second, all the respect he desired...

And he couldn't do it.

Because he was like his mother

He saw the dragons for what they were, he saw Toothless.

And he formed a friendship, a symbiotic relationship with him, they helped and saved eachother.

Together they saved everyone

but before that Hiccup was betraying everyone and everything he knew

most of all his mom, as he knew her.

Because nobody told him that she was trying to stop them from killing dragons. Nobody was going to tell him just how much he is like his mother.

As the series progresses we see how alike he and Stoic are, but Valka? His Mom? In the first movie he is just like her.

But he couldn't know that, because what he knew was that she was taken and killed by dragons to protect him.

That would have felt horrible, believing that he was helping, that his best friend, was the same species that killed his mom, and its no wonder Stoick is so against it and so harsh about it. His wife died to these creatures, to protect their boy, and now that same kid does this

Except all that doesn't fucking matter because Valka is alive and well, abandoning her family because of what she thought her infant son might be like, despite evidence to the contrary.

As we grow up we can change and learn, but there are parts of us that are intrinsically us, that when discussing it with our parents, we can be told that a behavior or something we do now is something we did before we could walk.

This is our Nature, and it holds equal if not a little more weight than Nurture can when forming bits of our personality or behaviors. If you have a dead parent, i can guarantee that you've been told that something you do is just like them, even if you can't remember it.

I wouldn't expect Valka to know this, considering it's the Viking age and psychology wasn't heavily studied by them as far as i know (but it's not like you need a degree to recognize this)

However i do expect a mother to recognize that her child, barely one, but obviously already being told to fear and fight monsters, see the destruction caused by them, instead cooing and loving this giant winged lizard in his house.

He only starts to cry when he gets hurt.

He shows Valka, to her face, his potential. His love. The ability to look beyond the scales and see the intelligence and gentleness a dragon can have.

Hiccup shows her exactly the man he will become.

and she refused to see. instead abandoned him, abandoned her husband and her home on a failure.

She did nothing to prove what dragons were really like that was all Hiccup.

And I cannot stress enough the guilt he must have felt for betraying his mom's memory like that.

But lo and behold, she's fine. Alive and well. And never once even tried to spy on her son to see if he was alive.

She just decided, with no evidence, who he would become, and she left.

She had evidence to his compassion staring her in the face, and she disregarded it.

She abandoned her son for twenty years, because of what she thought he might be like when he was grown.

And she isn't even the one who sought him out.

They stumbled across each other and she is damn lucky he is a forgiving man.

Because what she did? Was shit. No chances, no trying to teach him to become a good person. She gave up on him before he could walk.

Hiccup may have gotten some of his traits from her, but he is who he is, became the man and leader who ended the war with the dragons and saved everyone, built a better world in spite of her, not because of her.

She didn't teach him these things, and her leaving made it harder for him to accept them about himself

His compassion, his kindness, and his love, they are his. He made the world a better place with them, the world his mother wanted.

A world she decided he wouldn't want to create. Based on nothing.

Hiccup is a good person, but that's not something she can claim to have had any hand in.

It is time for my annual reminder that if you ever feel useless, remember you're not Valka who left her infant child who still needed her to go protect the dragons but actually hey they were still very much hunted and misunderstood after her leaving and the way she left made people think she was abducted and possibly killed by dragons

And later it was actually the son she left behind, all nervous awkward and lanky that actually did the productive work of showing that not all dragons are bad

So yh there are worse things to be doing with your life's decisions, uselessly missing your son's growing years for a stupid reason is possibly not one of yours so you're okay

[tabibitto]

Queen of the Ashes | Dainsleif x Reader

characters: Dainsleif

type: TWO PART SERIES, part 2 here

TW: mentions of death (not the reader), survivors guilt, angst with comfort

Gender: feminine reader

Notes: Dainsleif was assigned queensgaurd to the Queen of Khaenri'ah, sworn to protect her. A deadpan, calm and collected man with a heart of unbreakable stone, one only the Queen managed to snuff out from it's stone walls. After the fall of their great kingdom, both people spend their days in depression and guilt. Wondering what they could have done to save the other, and most of all, their lost and destroyed home.

"I am a queen, Dainsleif. Not a butcher." You'd said as your bare and warm body laid pressed against his, fingers dancing across his bare chest, lips moving slowly and precisely as you spoke.

"All rulers are either butchers or meat."

If only you had been less..kind. Less cowardly and more ruthless how your lover and most trusted protector had told you to be. Perhaps if you listened then, you would not be where you were now.

You sat face up on a bed made of wolf and elk furs, deep inside a cave located in the depths of Dragonspine. Across the ocean from your pride and joy. Your realm which had been built without the help or protection of Gods.

Khaenri'ah

A word that brought bittersweet memories.

500 years ago, an Alchemist better known as Gold had pretty much perfected the Art of Khemia. A form of alchemy that focused on creation of life. And as the Queen of Khaenri'ah. You had been witness to her creations many times.

Perhaps if you had listened to your gut feeling and pressured her more to cease her experiments. Your great-something grandchildren could be sat on the throne your great-something grandparents sat on. Wearing a golden crown, the crown that men trembled to behold.

Instead, you let your fear get the best of you. After all, if she was capable of creating a powerful, undying and synthetic human. A fucking dragon of all things. What could she do to you if you told her to get rid of her creations and change alchemy practices.

She wasn't the only responsible. Many people were at fault for Celestia and the Gods to fucking obliterate an entire civilization. But the invasion her monsters caused and their destruction on the realm of Teyvat played a good part.

You failed in your ruling. You were not strict enough. Didn't carry the balls it takes to execute those in your way. And as a result. You lost everything.

According to Dainsleif. This wasn't your fault alone. Everyone in power played a part in it. The people whom you trusted in your council did things behind your back you could not have fathomed. Your close relatives. Brought horrors to Teyvat and Khaenri'ah alike, terrors you failed to imagine.

"Perhaps lack of imagination was my downfall.." You said that day, drinking in your balcony, gazing at the thundering storm of lighting wind and rock that grew closer and closer. A red flower that brought so much warmth it destroyed all it touched.

You let empty tears fall down your cheeks. Feeling a overwhelming fresh feeling on your cheeks as the bitingly cold wind dried your skin and cut where the tears fell.

You failed. And because of you they were all dead.

You could never forget the screams of those poor mothers are they cradled their dead children. Children whom dressed in armor with spears in their hands. Taller and bigger in size then them, yet in a mother's arms, they looked nothing more then small infants.

The panicked look of a child as he ran from the fire, feet and hands scorched before the flames swallowed his cries for his father.

The blood that spilled out of every soldier as they screamed their throat raw in the old tongue.

"Run"

The way it wavered and shook in fear and grief. As mere mortals could do nothing against the wrath of divine beings.

You hated them. You hated yourself.

They destroyed your people and you played your role in making it happen.

Upon all the horrors that replayed in your head every night when you could no longer fight sleep, the one you never forgot. Was that look on his face.

Pure fear and sadness. Not for himself, he never cared about himself like you loved him. It was pure grief, over the fact that he failed to protect you. His queen.

The longing gaze Dainsleif gave you as you both, bloodied and dirty with dust, hidden underneath the small shelter the ruins of your palace provided as you could hear the crackling of fire and faraway screams and cries. The sound that filled the air around you, nauseatingly began to quiet down and became faint.

He stared at you as tears poured down both your cheeks. There was no saving for anyone. This was it.

Two people who failed in their duty, staring at each other as they laid in each other's arms, gripping their torn clothes like it was the last time they would feel each other's warmth.

and it was.

[albertasunrise]

Mistakes - Chapter 4

Masterlist

You’d known it was a bad idea to get involved with Javier Peña. You were just another notch on his bedpost but you were a notch he kept revisiting. You know you should have stopped it, declined his offers to rock your world but you couldn’t and now you had to deal with the consequences. Consequences that you knew he would refuse to accept.

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of Sex

Pairings: Javier Peña x Reader

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

~

Javier had been back at work for almost two weeks.

Neither of you had spoken about that night since it had happened. Clearly, his memories returning to him had been fairly traumatic as he then struggled to know how to be around you after that. You hadn’t kissed again. You'd barely spoken. You just cohabited and you were finding it too difficult. So that's why you had come to the decision that you had.

Chucho had returned to Texas after Javier had started back at work and you had found yourself on Steve and Connie’s couch more and more, crying into one of their shoulders as you lost all hope that Javier would return to you.

You had hoped that the kiss and him, somewhat, remembering you would have helped move things forward but all it had done was make things worse and so after two weeks of silent suffering, watching him battle with his internal demons you’d decided that enough was enough. So you found yourself sitting on his couch, Alicia at the Murphy’s. You needed to be able to have a quick exit after you told him what you were about to.

Javier’s key turning in the lock grabbed your attention and after taking a few steadying breaths you stood from your seat and turned so that you were facing him as he entered, catching his eye as he looked up from throwing his coat and keys on the table.

‘Everything okay?’ He asked after a few moments, noting your nervous demeanour ‘Where’s Alicia?’

‘With Connie and Steve.’ You stated as you rubbed your sweaty palms on the front of your jeans.

‘Why?’

‘Because I need to speak with you and I didn’t want there to be any interruptions.’ You answered, your gaze never leaving him as he moved through his home, grabbings a beer from the fridge and offering you one which you refuse.

‘What do you want to talk about?’ He asked casually. If he was nervous about what you were about to say he didn’t show it.

‘I’m moving out.’ You got straight to the point and he stopped dead in his tracks, attention now on you fully.

‘What?’

‘I can’t do this anymore Javier.’ You declared, trying hard to keep your voice from wobbling ‘I can’t keep pretending that I am okay with all of this’ You continued as you signalled your hand around ‘I can’t stay here and endure the hurt of waiting for the man I love to come back to me. I thought that night that we were making progress but then you remembered a few things and now we’re back to you being closed off and distant with me.’ You paused, scrubbing a shaky hand over your face to wipe away your traitorous tears ‘So I’m done. I put in a request for a larger apartment a few days ago and it was granted.’

‘Wait so where are you moving to?’ He questioned, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

‘To a building a little closer to the embassy.’ You explained and he shook his head, anger now bubbling beneath the surface.

‘No, you can’t do this.’ He growled ‘You can’t leave. You can’t take her from me.’

‘I’m not taking her from you, Javier.’ You snapped ‘You will still be able to see her but I need to do what's best for me or I’m going to suffocate.’

‘I just need time-’

‘I’ve given you nothing but time Javi.’ You sobbed ‘Almost 3 months of it! But it’s clear to me that you regaining any memory of me is not your priority and so I need to remove myself from all this…’ You paused as you looked him dead in the eye ‘From you.’

‘Come on wait.’ He pleaded ‘Let's at least talk about this. I don’t want you to leave.’

‘Well, it doesn't feel like you want me here all the much either Javier so…’

‘When are you moving?’

‘I already have!’ You declare and his eyes grew wide before he sprinted to the nursery, noting that it's empty ‘The embassy moved mine and Alicia’s things to the new apartment today. I asked Connie to watch her whilst I spoke with you. I’ll collect her once we’re done here and that will be that.’

‘So what… You thought the best way to spring this on me was to tell me the day you’ve already left me?’

‘I didn’t expect it all to process so quickly. Give me some fucking credit Javier I have been pretty honest and upfront with you from the beginning.’ You snarled as you pointed an accusing finger at him ‘I tried to talk with you after everything and you shut me out so the way I look at it. You brought this on yourself.’

He stood there seething. Chest heaving as the two of you glared at each other, neither one breaking the intense eye contact that you were locked into. When he said nothing more you took that as your cue to leave, nothing more needed to be said.

‘Goodbye Javier.’

‘No, I’m not letting this happen.’ He sobbed, tears falling freely now as he grabbed you before you’d managed to walk out the door ‘You can’t just leave. I need you. Don't leave me.’

'You don't need me, Javier. You've made that perfectly clear.' You sob, heart breaking at the way he was looking at you but you knew it wasn't because you were leaving.

'You can't do this.'

Pulling your arm from his grasp, you shrugged your coat back into place and looked at him one final time.

‘Watch me.’

~

1 Month Later...

‘Where the fuck is Peña?’ You snapped, as you threw Steve a cold look.

‘He called in sick.’ He replied, shrugging his shoulders but his expression didn't match the action.

‘Sick?’ You questioned ‘What’s wrong with him this time?’

Steve shrugged again and you scoffed, downing the last of your coffee before standing and making your way out of the office you shared. You knew that Steve knew more than he was letting on but you found it difficult to care.

Things had been difficult between you and Peña since you had moved out. He’d spoken to you only to get updates on the baby and regarding work. You had agreed on a schedule where he could have her for a few hours in the evenings before Connie collected her and brought her back to you. It was easier than attempting to exchange pleasantries that neither of you wanted to share.

After refilling your coffee you stormed back into the office where your anger-filled rant continued.

‘You know that he’s refused to have Alicia the last few evenings?’ You growled as you angrily stirred your drink ‘One minute he’s begging me not to take her away and now he refuses to see her.’ You stop to take a sip of your drink before you resumed ‘And the worst part is, is that she won’t settle now because she hasn’t seen him. She got into a routine and now it's fucked. Can't the man just man the fuck up and take responsibility for his child at least?’

‘Perhaps you should cut him some slack.’ Snapped Steve, taking you by surprise ‘The man was used to seeing his infant daughter whenever he wanted and now he gets her a few hours an evening? He’s a fucking mess and no wonder. He misses his daughter, he misses you, though he’d never admit it, and he’s all alone now with very little memory of the last year of his life! I get that you’re upset but the two of you need to sort this shit out.’ He scooped up the folders on his desk and abruptly stood from his chair ‘I’m sick of watching and I’m sick of being in the middle of it. Talk to him.’

You were stunned by Steve’s outburst. You stood there frozen to the spot as you meditated on his words and you realised that you’d once again been so caught up with your own pain that you had ignored his. Grabbing your purse you fumbled around until you found what it was you had been looking for and after telling the office assistant that you needed to run an errand you were out of the door and sprinting to your truck.

You needed to speak to him.

…

It didn’t take you long to get to Javier’s apartment but after banging on the door for some time you knew he wasn't home and so you rushed up the stairs. Connie answered her door after three knocks and was shocked, to say the least, when she found you stood there.

‘What are you doing here?’ She inquired as she nervously shifted on her feet

‘I wanted to talk and to check on Alicia.’

‘Oh um…’

‘Connie, what is it?’ You questioned, noting her shifty behaviour.

‘She’s not here.’ She declared and your eyes grew wide.

‘What?’

‘She’s with Javi.’ She said as you barged past her ‘He came to see me, he was an absolute wreck and when he saw she was with me he begged me to let him have her for the day.’

‘Connie you can’t just let her go off-’

‘With her father?’ She snapped and you turned to face her ‘Hun he’s her dad and he’s been broken since you left. He hadn’t even known she was here when he arrived but when he saw her he sobbed.’

‘You should have told me.’

‘You’re right I should have and I’m sorry.’ She asserted ‘If I’m being honest I wasn't expecting you back so soon.’

‘Yeah well, I actually came to talk to Peña.’ You confessed, noting her shocked expression ‘Your husband kinda yelled at me about how I’d been acting and I realised I may have been a little harder on him than he deserved.’

‘He misses you.’

‘He misses Alicia.’ You scoffed, rolling your eyes when she shook her head.

‘Well yes but he misses you too.’ She continued, taking a seat at her kitchen table ‘He realised that he’d dealt with everything so wrong. He wanted to reach out but didn’t know how to. Over the weekend we helped him with a few things for the nursery, he wanted to get some new furniture just in case he finally got Alicia overnight and as we were building it he just broke. Sobbed his heart out to us. Please, just give him a chance to prove he’s sorry.’

You nodded as you mulled over her words, knowing that you needed to take steps to repair your fractured relationship with your child's father. Perhaps baby steps were the best way to go.

‘Okay. Can you drop Alicia off when he gets back? She’s got a check-up appointment and so do I.’

‘Sure thing you.’ Connie returned, smiling sweetly at you as she walked you to the door.

~

Standing by the car looking at your baby girl in her seat you felt your heart ache a little. You knew that this was the right thing to do but that hadn't made it any easier. You'd gone to your appointment and after being given the news that everything was perfect you'd gone home and prepared her a bag. A few bottles of breast milk, formula, diapers, changes of clothes and her favourite stuffed toy.

‘Right baby girl now I want you to be good for Papi okay?’ You said as you lifted her from her car seat and placed her in the carrier ‘I’m going to miss you like crazy but I know that you’ll have so much fun and I’ll see you tomorrow.’ You finished as you slung her bag over your shoulder and lifted her carrier before ascending the steps of the building you had once called home.

Making your way to his front door you knocked three times and waited.

Nothing.

You scrunched your face in confusion as you knocked again only to once again be greeted with no answer. You placed your ear on the door where you heard what sounded like Javier crying out and your stomach dropped. Without thinking you slotted the key you still had for his apartment into the lock and opened it quietly, leaving Alicia and her bag tucked safely behind the large potted plant beside his door. Pulling your gun from the holster at your waist you entered his home, weapon drawn and ready.

What received you made you sob.

Javier was laying on the floor, a redhead bear beneath him and both of them were coated in a thin layer of sweat. Your stomach twisted as you stumbled back, gun dropping to the floor with a thud which then grabbed Peña’s attention. His blissed-out expression soon turning into something completely different.

‘Shit.’ He breathed before you snapped back to reality and looked at him with an expression that broke him completely before you fumbled for your gun and turned to leave ‘Wait.’ He called out to you as he pulled on his jeans and sprinted after you, catching up as you made it to your truck, the baby in your arms ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I came to give you Alicia for the night.’ You stated, looking at him now with a stone-cold expression ‘Connie told me how broken you'd been without her and how much you missed her. I felt bad that you had only been getting her for a few hours in the evenings so thought that maybe this would cheer you up a little’ You proceeded ‘She said you missed me too but clearly that's not true.’

‘I do.’ He stated and you snorted in response before pulling open the back door to your truck, placing Alicia in her seat.

‘Right.’

‘Fuck, I do.’ He roared, instantly regretting it when Alicia started to bellow ‘Look I’m sorry you saw what you saw. It meant nothing. I met her at the bar and we got to talking and-‘

‘You ended up fucking her on the floor.’ You snapped as you threw Alicia’s bag in the footwell and started to make your way to the driver's side door 'Some things never change eh Peña?'

‘Will you just stop.’ He begged, grabbing your arms and spinning you so you were facing him.

‘Why Javier? Why should I do anything for you?’ You sobbed ‘You say you miss me? Well someone who misses someone doesn’t then proceed to fuck a randomer he meets in a bar. He tries to talk to said person and maybe work things out.’

‘Would you have talked to me?’

‘Why do you think I’m here Javier?’ You growled ‘I wanted to talk... To try and have some sort of relationship with you, for our daughter's sake whether that was friends or something more but now… Now I’m done.’

‘Can I still have her tonight?’ He pleaded, eyes then falling on his screaming infant in the back seat of your truck.

‘No.’ You spat, shoving him back and jumping into your truck before locking the doors ‘We’ll work something out but I won't have my baby around one of your whores Javier. I rule the line at that.’

Turning the ignition you threw it into drive and you disappeared, leaving him stood there staring off after you. After a few numb moments, he allowed himself to cry, hands covering his face as he fell to his knees and allowed everything he'd been holding in to flow freely and that's what it took.

Looking up at the dark stain on the concrete pavement ahead.

He remembered everything.

~

Part 5

[florbelles]

👀👀👀👀 PLEASE AND THANKS X

ash.......

anyway cw in the following for allusions to child abuse/neglect, gaslighting/manipulation, fairbanks family fun (tm), the works.

ONE. from all along the watchtower, isabela's series, act iii.

She is trembling. She was just a girl. She was just a little girl.

No. She was wrong, she was always wrong, there was something wrong with her, she was such a hateful little creature, always screaming, always crying — wasn't she? wasn't she?

No. No. She'd never cried. She had never been colicky. Not as an infant. Not as a girl.

But she was feral, she was misbehaved, more wolf than girl.

Dirty feet, bloody hands.

Wildflowers flowing from her skirts. Laughter flowing from her mouth.

A hand, reaching for hers.

Lawrence staring at her, strangely, Lyra was always a good girl.

No. No. No. Not possible. Not true.

But it is. It is true.

Mama?

She sobs. She is choking, she cannot breathe.

What have I done. She is shaking violently, now. God forgive me, what have I done.

TWO. from untitled, lawrence pov, prompt "hide."

"Excuse me, sir, would you mind terribly —?" she waggles her fingers, smiles apologetically.

Clever. Lyra has never stumbled a day in her life. Not even when as a child. She never wobbled, no, just went right from crawling to walking up right.

Or so he heard. Bels doesn’t know shit, of course. Blinked at him once and said, "it walks?" like she thought he didn’t hear her jibes just because he didn’t acknowledge them.

Better not to encourage it when she’s in her moods.

Which is, you know. All the fucking time.

Lyra is stepping into the boat, an ingratiated smile on her lips, hand firmly pressed into Cochran's. She scaled the walls of the summer house, once, in the off season. Neawrly gave Bels a heart attack.

(He told her she was mistaken, of course. Wasn’t worth it. Never was. She wouldn’t remember two days from then, anyway.)

THREE. from searching for a devil, isabela's series, act ii.

she’s the most beautiful baby, lawrence tells her.

they’re never beautiful when they’re just born, isabela says, not really.

lawrence looks her, dead in the face, and says, with not one trace of his usual levity, this one is.

FOUR. from harsh realm, the from whom earth and heaven fled quartet, part iii.

there’s nothing left we can do to one another.

nothing left.

she was wrong.

he found something.

you win, love, you broke me in the end.

his voice on the radio. do you know what she is?

he’d known, of course. he’d always known.

joseph was right.

not your fault, joseph says, not your fault, not your fault.

as if it matters.

he’s no less dead than if she’d slit his throat herself.

[valkyrie-echo]

Project Echo, Part 3: Chapter 18 (Shadows and Visions)

Part 3 Summary: Seven years after the events of “Part 2”, Avengers Tower explodes, fulfilling Bucky’s vision. All evidence points to Avengers Shadow-Ops leader Inessa Ryker, who is forced to seek out Bucky in hiding. Together they must determine who the traitor is in their ranks and if their friends are still alive- all while trying to survive deadly ambushes orchestrated by Sam Wilson and his hand-picked army.

Chapter 18: Shadows and VisionsBucky pounded on the door of the flight deck hard enough to put a dent in it. Without knowing the mechanics of the ship he couldn't override whatever lock Inessa put on the doors, so he continued to work at the metal until he'd managed to produce a hole and peek through onto the bridge.

Nadya lunged at the hole and Bucky jerked back. The wolf violently clawed and howled, more out of control than he'd ever seen it. He rolled over to where Inessa had deposited him and grabbed the frequency emitter, still broadcasting for all he knew. He slammed the head of it into the hole and listened. Nadya's howl turned into a whimper, but she wasn't the only dangerous creature inside.

Inessa was laying in the middle of the floor, curled into a ball. At least, it was humanoid so he hoped it was her. The creature looked like the Shadow, a sort of half-human monstrosity. Strangely enough though it wasn't made up of the black mist. It was something else. Something solid.

The wolves of the Valley roamed around it snarling and snapping, yet for their fierce display not one would cross within three feet on any side of it. Even Nadya, slinking away from the door, wouldn't approach the creature directly.

"Inessa?" he called softly to the darkness, "if you're in there, just hold on. We'll get you to Berny. He'll help," but he had no idea what Berny Barton of all people could do to fix this, or even if Berny was on their side or not. At this point he was in too far over his head to be choosy about his allies. He needed a miracle.

Inessa was standing in the middle of the Valley, a place she knew so well, but it wasn't her place. Not quite yet. There was nothing here. Yes, the Bifrost burned in the sky and yes the ruins were probably still just over the ridges, but no wolves prowled the basin. No Nadya waited for her friend to return or summon her.

Was this a vision? The Valley was so empty. So primal. It wasn't what Inessa knew it to be.

A breeze stirred the Valley, no more than a puff of air. Then another. Then another. Inessa turned around and saw something trying to materialize. It was silver and gave off an unnatural energy. Inessa knew its kind- a Helius beacon. Rather than the small devices they'd reverse engineered, the beacons could have brought armies into the Valley, if Hydra ever figured out how to power them.

She watched as the Helius beacon pulsed, a bit clearer each time. The breeze grew to a wind, the wind into a squall. The stronger one became the faster the other grew. A keening whine emitted from the device. Inessa covered her ears against the storm and the sound and fell to her knees to better withstand it. A loud crack and a violent flash of light- then the air stilled and the mechanical screeching vanished.

A baby cried.

Her head jerked up abruptly at the noise and Inessa ran towards where the beacon had been. There were scorch marks, the rocks were blasted away, and a small baby girl was lying in the Valley. The child was naked, but protected somehow by a black mist that may very well have been part of her. Inessa tried to reach out and pick the frightened child up, but she couldn't touch it. The infant was not entirely part of the Valley yet. It was straddling the border between worlds.

Somehow the mist kept the baby alive, for a time. It was instantaneous for Inessa, but by now she knew the story. Two days, then the mother would die at long last. After that only a couple hours more before someone would seek the baby. The mist around it acted like a small pocket to the other world. Inessa watched as two hands appeared around the infant and pulled it away, back to the real world.

"Goodbye, little Nadya," she whispered.

The child kept returning, each time a little older. It always ended the same, the infant was sleeping or giggling or crying- the black mist would begin to pour from her, and then abruptly she would vanish, leaving a piece of the power behind.

She never told Mallory or any of the Avengers, but Inessa actually remembered very little before the Second Battle of New York. She had snapshots of her time as the Shadow, and glimpses of what came before, of course, but considering how much of it she didn't remember the scraps she could gather were few and far between. She hadn't even known her own birthday until Mallory threw her a party with the Avengers (and she had to pretend she'd known all along).

Still, a few of the child's visits fell into the realm of what Inessa did remember, enough that she was able to see a pattern. She would open a door, use her abilities, and be yanked back out- typically because Dimitri was a spiteful drunk and would turn on the lights just to fuck with her powers. Every time she was jerked back a piece of the mist remained. Over time the scraps grew more canine in appearance, and the wolf pack formed with that first sliver of mist as its leader, Nadya.

Muhammad's vision showed her a truth she'd never known. It changed very little in her quest, but that wasn't why he left it to her before her departure. He left her the only thing he could, considering the strain and dangers of the voyage she was embarking on: peace of mind. For the first time Inessa knew exactly what she was…

And, without even realizing it, Muhammad's missing piece was the final one in a truly massive puzzle. More than ever she could appreciate the scope of her quest and what was waiting for her at the end of the path. The traitor was a minor issue now.

Inessa had a damned good idea of who was pulling the strings.

Bucky didn't even feel the ship land. Suddenly the back hatch was opening and Berny was charging in, armed with a black gun. His face was set in grim determination.

"Inessa didn't-"he began to explain as quickly as possible.

"I KNOW!"

"Something wr-"

"I KNOW! GET THAT DOOR OPEN!"

"Wh-"

"IT WILL HELP HER!" he snapped.

Bucky didn't need to be told twice. He began to wrench and rip at the door with even greater fervor, trying to turn that little peephole into a proper grip. He yanked it aside with his metal arm and cleared the shot for Berny. He took aim for the thing in the center of the room.

Nadya dove for the gun, snarling. There was a loud roar and she instantly cowered near Bucky. He backed up a few steps. The creature was standing up. It looked so much like Inessa and Nadya's Shadow. The silver eyes, rows of razor sharp fangs, disjointed arms and half-human legs- but Nadya was terrified of it, as were the other wolves.

Berny readied to fire and Bucky glanced over at him. He was so calm, so cool- and so angry. A spark in his green eyes gave the trap away, "NO!" Bucky pulled one of Fandrel's blades out and prepared to put it through his enemy's arm. The creature roared a warning and Bucky turned to face it's terrible eyes. Inessa's eyes. She wanted this, needed this. In his mind he could hear her voice whisper for him to stop and wait.

"This is for Clint!" Berny pulled the trigger on Stark's gun. The one designed to destroy Shadows.

Arcing blue light hit the Shadow and splintered out from there to the wolves in the room. It threw its head back and roared against the pain of the blast. The wolves howled with it- yet one by one they began to vanish in explosions of darkness. The mist they left behind was sucked up by the creature as they were destroyed. Nadya alone seemed to be outside the weapon's sphere of influence, and the wolf was flattened to the floor.

The creature's black armor imploded in chunks, revealing pieces of human skin. Berny was determined to kill Inessa, and Tony's gun was working as advertised. When Sam's team arrived he would hand over the corpse of the host and Bucky (maybe alive) and all of this would finally end. Inessa was almost entirely gone now- the faintest traces of black remained over her face. She roared again and it sounded less like an animalistic howl and more of a human scream. Berny didn't stop until her silver eyes were brown and Nadya fled into the shadows.

When the light cleared Inessa fell to her knees. Bucky grabbed the gun and slammed it into Berny's head, knocking him out. He got to his friend just as she tipped forward and caught her.

"Inessa?" Bucky held her upright as she swayed and willed her to look at him, snap at him, make some snide quip or comment- anything to prove she was alright. How was he supposed to figure all of this out without her? Without her… the thought sent a cold shiver down his spine, unfortunately one very unlike the shiver brought on by a Shadow. Without Inessa. It brought a piece of his fractured soul back, knowing he'd helped save her and that she was out of Hydra's clutches. Even when he was in hiding on the farthest end of the world just the thought of her with the Avengers was enough to ease his worries. Now he'd truly lost everything. His last friend. His Inessa.

Until then Bucky didn't realize he'd lost hope of finding Steve and the others alive. It was over a month now since they'd been taken, and Avengers weren't easy to hold. He didn't believe their deaths were on her, but apparently, without consciously making the change, he'd decided on his own that they were dead. And now so was she. His friend. His Inessa. Any hope of finding the Avengers was lost with her.

He wasn't allowed to be angry with Sam, or Berny for that matter. Their part in this was different- they thought what they were doing would help people, they were being Avengers. Marie however… Bucky regretted not throwing the dagger so it hit blade-first and killed her then and there. Because of that little shit traitor Inessa had lost her friend's support when it could have saved them, she'd lost Sam's allegiance, and she'd lost the rest of the Avengers. Bucky was going to snap that creature's neck this time just like he had with Dennisson, skin her alive the way the Winter Soldier had Inessa, break her bones one by one just like he'd done with Dimitri Aristov.

No, Bucky's voice cut through the howling of the Winter Soldier and tempered the bloodlust, that isn't what she wanted. Intel- Inessa would have wanted him to finish the mission and find out who supplied the Collector with the materials to build Loki his beacons. Who was the puppet master behind everything? Follow the thread as long and as far as it would take him. His friends were all dead by now, but unlike Inessa six of them had a sliver of a chance at living. He couldn't give up the hunt or Inessa would never forgive him. Worst case scenario he intended to bring home their bodies- he owed that much to Steve, Nat, Clint, Thor, Tony, and Banner. To see them back on Earth, buried by their families.

Then Marie would die. Then Loki wouldn't need to pretend to be a rotting corpse on a distant realm. Then the Winter Soldier could have some time off his leash.

Inessa's body began to shake in his arms, then convulse. Bucky tipped her to the side, amazed, and braced her as she began to vomit silver liquid all over the floor. He grabbed her ponytail to keep the end of it out of her face and didn't let go until she was finished, "Nessie? Nessa- are you- is it you?" he was hopeful as she leaned back and breathed on her own. All of his dark thoughts fled for the moment- until he saw her eyes- vacant, void of recognition or realization and worst of all they were a light, golden brown. The Shadow, his Inessa, was gone. The host, however, Emilie and Anton's child, wasn't as dead as they'd hypothesized.

It seemed like a new, cruel twist of fate, her body still there with some intruder living in it. No, he reminded himself, Inessa was the intruder. She was by no means as cruel or as numb, but was it any different than Hydra pouring the Winter Soldier into his body? Something this other entity couldn't stop, couldn't control? She'd have been trapped there, a bystander to her own life. Wait- could this one know the answers? "Can you understand me?" he tried in English, Russian, German, Sokovian, Japanese, French, and Italian- he even spelled the phrases out in the sign language alphabet he learned from watching Clint so long ago. The host barely registered his presence. She didn't seem to be able to comprehend anything.

Bucky heard the click of a gun being readied behind him and froze. The barrel was right against the back of his head, "Drop her and take that arm off," Berny. He left his back turned on his enemy too long. But- Berny was after Inessa and she was gone. They weren't enemies. Not anymore.

He carefully released the girl and lowered her to the ground. As soon as she was settled he removed his metal arm and slid it far across the floor. The gun vanished and he slowly turned. Berny was grim, sad, but ready to fight if need be, "Don't kill it," Bucky was pleading as he stood, "don't kill the host."

"Why not? You think the Shadow survived that?" there was venom in Berny's voice, but not much.

"No," Bucky coughed to clear his throat, then swallowed hard. He couldn't be emotional, "I was an Avenger once. That host isn't Inessa, she doesn't deserve to be executed. That's all I meant." He was disappointed more than anything. The hope that she was still there, the desperate compromise for intel- nothing worked in his favor. Now that Berny mentioned it he'd probably always be hoping she'd be able to find her way back. No matter how unfair it might be to the host.

Berny lowered the gun. He read people just as well as Inessa had, that pain written all over Bucky's face was real enough. He eyed the body, still panting from the convulsions and staring up at the ceiling of the ship as if seeing it for the first time. It was hard enough killing Inessa with Tony's gun. Before Sam told him the full story he was more than willing to help them, not hurt her. Berny's line of work wasn't bloodless, and he played villain as often as hero, but he couldn't summon the courage it would take to shoot Inessa (or her body). Not again.

"I have a cell that can hold her," he sighed, "Sam's an hour out. He'll decide. He might kill her," Berny warned, "but on his conscience be it."

Bucky nodded and adjusted his armor so he could lift Inessa comfortably. The host, so he could lift the host comfortably. Inessa wasn't there, and she'd never be there again. Wanda, Vision, Fandrel, Hogunn, Heimdall, Amadeus, Peter and his team- everyone counted on him to help keep Inessa alive long enough to at least find the Avengers and bring them back. He'd given his word to Wanda and her husband that he would do everything he could to see to it she survived this. He'd already let them down, he couldn't let down the others. Maybe he could convince Sam to let him keep going, or to join him even. Maybe his animosity wouldn't extend to Inessa's mission, only her. Maybe they could solve this together and clear her name. Maybe- a memory overpowered Bucky suddenly.

"Darling little child, why do you keep doing this to yourself?" Dennisson looked over Inessa's body as Hydra physicians applied bandages to her freshly flayed shins. Her face was dripping sweat and her eyes were dazed, unfocused, her mouth hung slightly ajar. This was the middle stages of her shutdown. Roughly a year from then she'd become the Shadow and escape Dennisson once and for all.

The Winter Soldier stood against the wall, awaiting orders. He felt nothing for this girl- no pity, no sympathy. Why then couldn't he ease the tremor in his hands? Why was it so hard to resist cringing at the echoes of the girl's screams in his memory? His orders were to break the girl, and this time it looked like he might have actually succeeded. It looked like she was finally gone, ready for Hydra to pour their creature in to fill whatever was left, just like they did with him- over and over. Nowhere in his programming did it say he could have thoughts or opinions on what they were doing. Nowhere was it written that he was allowed to be haunted by it like this.

"It can stop you know," Dennisson held a spray bottle to Inessa's mouth and wet it a bit, "the torture is a lesson, but if you are obedient we can end it. Order comes from pain. You've suffered enough pain, there's no need to court more by refusing. We only want to make the world a better place. I never lied to you about that. It's just that to make the world better you have to burn a bit of it first."

The water took the edge off the pain in Inessa's raw throat. She mumbled something and Dennisson leaned in, "What was that my girl? A bit louder, if you'd please."

"Order… through…"

"Order through pain. Yes. Say it once all the way through and I will let the doctors take away your pain so you can sleep soundly tonight."

"Order… through… p-pain," a tear slid down Inessa's cheek. The Winter Soldier felt something stir, revulsion. Dennisson was winning, the girl was breaking. She was as good as gone.

"All the way through, in one go," he prompted.

"O-order… through-"

"Again."

"Order… order through…. Order-"

"AGAIN."

"Order… through pain… o-order-"

"SAY IT PROPERLY!" Dennisson slammed his hand on the table next to her ear, shocking her. He was never patient.

The display jarred something in Inessa, brought her back even after he'd been so sure she was gone. That's how it always was with her. Right when you thought you'd broken the teenager this would happen. The Winter Soldier, despite his constant reprogramming, had a sense of what was about to happen.

"I can't…"

"Can't what?!" Dennisson demanded, he knew this routine better than the zombie soldier in the corner.

"Can't… obey… don't… obey… never… obey…" her mantra, again. She'd repeat it for hours, long after the words lost all meaning and her mouth dried out to the point where she couldn't even speak. The Winter Soldier looked away from the display feigning boredom, but secretly he was just the tiniest bit relieved.

"Maybe tomorrow, after you've slept on it," Dennisson grumbled and grabbed a large pitcher from the doctor's tray. His special order, and a favorite to use on the teenager. They stepped back from the new bandages as he carefully soaked them in lemon juice. It would burn as long as it touched the raw wounds, no matter if she moved or held still, the stinging wouldn't stop. Another two magnificent scars to add to her growing collection.

The Winter Soldier's memory stirred, "'Maybe' is something fools and layabouts say to make themselves feel better'." His next scheduled reprogramming was only two days away. Still, it was good that Inessa's screams kept Dennisson from hearing his little recitation.

When Sam arrived, Bucky was sitting in a chair next to the cell the host body was in, trying not to look threatening. If he could convince Sam to let her live or help him with anything it was going to need to be done by appealing to him as an Avenger. His knives, armor, gloves, and arm were all neatly lined up on the far side of the dungeon (for lack of a better word). Inessa's armor and scythes were next to it. Still, Sam kept his hands on the guns at his hips as Berny led him over to inspect the girl.

"Look at her eyes," Clint's brother prompted, "between that and the puddle of venom in the ship I'd say Tony's gun worked as advertised."

As much as Bucky hated Berny talking about it like it was a good thing, his curiosity overpowered the distain, "It was venom?"

Berny glanced to him when Sam did not and nodded, "And her gizmo says she's at zero percent saturation. It's never been lower than two percent."

"Well, I'm convinced the Shadow is out, at least."

"Does that mean you'll let her live?"

"You don't get to be part of any discussions," Sam pointed at Bucky without looking, "I've got three teammates who nearly died thanks to you."

"They'll be alright," Berny promised, "Eoin got to them in time, patched up the worst of it. The rest will be out of my healing room, soon enough. It's top-level, installed by Asgardians, no one will be worse for wear."

"They decide if Barnes lives or joins Inessa in oblivion. He's still an enemy agent, as far as I'm concerned."

"Sam-"

"No." Bucky could tell they'd been having this argument for a while already, "Barnes goes to the brig on my ship. The host stays until I decide if she lives or not. He stays until they decide." He snapped his fingers and two Asgardian soldiers entered. They pulled Bucky to his feet roughly.

"If they let me go, I want to stay here," he insisted quickly, "I'm going to prove Inessa was right! You have to leave me here! I won't go back to Earth until I find our friends!"

Sam gave no indication he even heard Bucky as the man was dragged from the room. Instead he crouched down and inspected the host in the cage, "How do we tell for sure if Inessa is gone?" Berny knew Bucky wanted her to find her way back to her old body, if there was anything left. The weapon didn't work that way though- it didn't expel. It destroyed.

"Once she's back on her feet Ellie will examine her mind."

"Inessa's got a history of fooling psychics."

"I remember Pryor better than you," Sam snapped, "that's the point. If Ellie can get in there then Inessa's really gone. If there's any resistance- well, then we shoot the host in the face and burn the body."

"What about Bucky? You won't let them kill him, I know you."

Sam shook his head, "I don't know why that scheming bitch came out here, but I'm not about to allow him to go stumbling around and risk him accidentally setting off whatever the next phase of her plan was. He's going back to Earth and he'll hear the truth about what she's done and everyone she killed- not just Steve and the others. After that he'll understand- we didn't turn on Inessa blindly. Remember that."

"Welcome to my luxury abode," Amadeus' voice was filled with disdain as Bucky was shoved inside, "or as I like to call it- Hell."

"Who are you?" Bucky sat down with the doors at his back.

"Amadeus Cho."

"Inessa's friend," the name gave him hope. This was the kid who'd changed the frequency and allowed her to escape Avengers Tower. He was someone she trusted, her lieutenant, maybe he was someone who could help in her stead.

Amadeus nodded, trying not to sound too interested, "You're Bucky Barnes, right? Man, you don't even know how much trouble I've gotten in over the years trying to find you. Bringing you in after all the flack she gave me? I'm never letting her forget it!"

Bucky's stomach dropped and he looked aside, "I- sorry, they- Berny-" he couldn't say it. Couldn't admit they failed, but he had to do his best to tell Inessa's friend she was gone, "I'm sorry. There was a weapon- made specifically to kill the Shadow- she- she didn't get out of the way in time. She's gone."

"She's not gone," Amadeus' faith in his leader was too great, even after everything, "She doesn't break easily. Right when you think she has she comes back. She doesn't go down, and if she stumbles, she never stays there long." He was so sure, so convincing. Even if he believed the blood magic controlled her in some way, he knew his friend was still inside.

"Berny shot her with a Stark weapon," Bucky looked down at his hand to avoid the boy's eyes, "it- it killed her. The host is still in there, but Nessie- her eyes are brown. There's nothing left."

"You're wrong," Amadeus shook his head, "you're wrong because I know something you don't know."

"What's what?"

"Nessa isn't a Shadow."

Bucky sighed, "Yes she is, she told me herself. She found out-"

"Five years ago, almost six? From Cul Borson?" Bucky nodded, "Nessa believed that. The Avengers believed that. I never did. She's not some shade. She's Nessa. She's human. If she wasn't then Dennisson's frequency would have knocked her out of that body, or she'd have escaped sooner than after two years of torture. I've read about Tony's weapon. If you use it on a Shadow, it destroys them, sends the power back to whatever created them- Inessa."

He decided to humor the kid, "So if Inessa's human then what?"

"If Inessa's human? If her eyes were silver all these years because she never stopped using her power- the part that went into creating and maintaining her pack? The gun shuts them down. Throws the switch, kills the engine, sends the power back into the battery, restarts the computer, refills the tank. It turns off her power, returns her eyes to brown, and removes a strain that's been there for years."

"She's gone, the host can't move, can't speak-"

"Inessa's overwhelmed. Every time you thought she was broken she came back, right? That's what you saw?"

"How did you know about that?" goosebumps popped up on his arm, and the phantom feeling left in his stump made him swear they were on the missing arm too.

Amadeus ignored the question, "If she was human, then the gun would just cut off the dead weight she's been dragging- return the slivers of power she's kept out in the Valley most of her life- and her powers have been growing ever since she was born. She'd be able to do things she never even dreamed of."

"Like what?"

"Like not only bleeding shadows, but forming an armor out of them. No more dumping her body in the Valley to fight, she'd be the Shadow, not just half of it. No more headaches, no more weakness to light- at least not as much of one, she'd have power to spare! The frequency wouldn't hold her anymore, it couldn't shut off enough of her abilities. She wouldn't just be able to read minds, she could enter them!" he was getting excited as he spoke.

"Really?" the host was blank right now- close enough to what Bucky had seen when he tried to break Inessa. Could it mean- but how did Amadeus know about his vision? Inessa said not all Avengers removed their marks from the Shadow-venom, and Nadya escaped Berny's weapon. If she was still around maybe the Avengers marked with her venom were still active. If Inessa was still in her own body and just dazed or something a beacon like that- it would be like a moth to a flame.

"Really really."

"How sure are you?" Bucky met the boy's eyes, desperate for an answer. Was the vision just a memory? Or was it Inessa, reaching out? When she was the Shadow she'd whispered in his mind, driven him insane with the need to help find the body so she could die. Was that something similar? Showing him a memory to let him know she was there? He might not have lost his friend after all, he might not have failed Steve and the others!

Amadeus grinned wickedly and his eyes flashed a burning, brilliant silver. When he spoke there was a second voice layered with his, a woman's voice, "Pretty damn sure."

Chapter 19: 50 Days Before the Explosion

[ecotone99]

[MF] Is There a Balm in Gilead?

He was waiting urgently in the hall when they found him, he had worked himself out of his bed and fumbled on two unsteady feet through the door. He stood pressed against the wall arms outstretched below his waist as if he stood on the brink of some precipice. That's when they arrived with the wheelchair to take him home. His eyes jittered in his head and spittle dribbled down his white stubbled chin. He was ready, for two months he had been ready, wasting away in that bed like a sack of shit, now he would be free. He would feel the warmth of the sunlight on his shoulders as they wheeled him out those sliding glass doors, his son would pick him up from the ramp, and that would be that. He'd be hedding home. The nurses wore baby blue scrubs and plastic masks; their heads were wrapped like cafeteria employees. They stank of exhaustion and sanitation alcohol. Between the two of them the wheelchair bobbled up and down on old, uneasy wheels. The one on the right engaged the break.

"Mr. Hendly, you know you should not be out of your room."

"I'm ready he said." "It's unsafe Mr. Hendly, you should know better, you could have fallen an broken your head.." "I'm ready take me home, I called my son he's commin, take me home." "Well alright Mr. Hendly, just come on over to the wheelchair and we'll be on our way." "No." He said. "I wanna walk." More of a croak really. " I'm sorry, sir," he held out his hands to help him into the parked chair, " we can't allow that." " No. I wanna walk. I wanna-" he stumbled and caught himself on the wall " I'm goin' to, my son is commin' for me." "Mr. Hendly," he said "we cannot let you walk, it's hospital policy." "Damn policy." "Can you come over to the chair? Mr. Hendly please?" He made a few feeble efforts before they intervened, one held the chair, the other held his elbows. He clenched his fists and curled his wrists and like an infant brought his arms closer to his body. He slid into the chair. The wheel chair began to move and they were on the way. He hunched in the chair like a constipated toad. The white hallways wheeled by as he wobbled past the dying and the newborn. They all stank of disinfectant and death, but he was free. No more sponge baths, no more hospital meals, no more of that, his son would come and take him away. His room he fixed again and again running it through his mind, he'd put this here and that there, he would get himself out of bed, his sons new wife would make him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, homemade meals hot and soft so he could chew it. The ceiling lights bleared through the linoleum floor, blurred ghosts milled around like coy in s pond, going from here to there and around again, the old the young, the new born dead and dying, all the same. He wasn't one of them he was going haome, that's all that mattered. When his son was a young boy he took him to the golf course, his son didn't care and doesn't remember it. Well, that's how I seemed when he brought it up when he visited several moths ago. He'd seen him once since he'd been diagnosed, but he was picking him up now. It would be fine.

They wheeled past the receptionist with dark bags under her eyes and several months worth of Cinnabon beneath her chin. She had another on her desk that she was about to add to her collection. She had on faded pink scrubs that may have been cute where they several years and many wash cycles younger. They were speckled with pathetic puke-green flowers with five faded petals an a poor choice of blue at their centers. The junxstapotion of her outfit with her the Cinnabon collection was divine.

He grumbled a jocular grumble as he passed and spittle dribbled from his lips in a pendulum fashion. The wheel squeaked round and round, round and round. The nurses didn't say anything, they really didn't have anything to say, all attempts at sociability had been exhausted on a sixty year old lady with a metal hip who kept complaining about her neighbor behind the screen, and her neighbor who kept complaining about the loud woman with a metal hip. And the wheels squeaked round and round and round and round. If you have ever been to a hospital you know that the hallways are long and labrythian. Signs on the walls point to indefinite locations and hidden floors and the convex mirrors in the corners are portals into eternal plodding passageways bustling with the new born and the dying. A whole managerie, a complete portrait of life. The stone circles of modern day where druids in scrubs deliver the young and escort the old to their final waking destinations. If you have ever been lost in a hospital you would know the feeling of hopelessness as you wander down impossibly long corridors, up and down elevators that don’t access every floor, and end up in the place you started or in some place far from where you intended to be. You would understand the feeling of being hopelessly lost in the belly of a sprawling beast that runs on the very life of humanity. Mr Hendly did not quite feel hopeless, but he did feel hopelessly small, he would never admit it of course but he had no idea where he was. He couldn’t remember how he got here exactly, not just what passageways led to his room, or what unit he was on, but how the fuck had he got HERE? He remembered his wife, or at least having a wife. He couldn’t tell you what the color of her hair was or the smell of her perfume, but he could tell you that she was kind. He didn’t know why, or how they were related, but he had a faint feeling of disgust for hospitals and the staff. Something about a tired looking old doctor with a few strands of white hair looking down at him as he held his wife’s hand, he remembered that much.

“Susan” he muttered, spittle dribbling from his lips.

“I’m sorry sir?” The nurse walking beside him asked.

“Where’s Susan?” He asked “I want to see her, tell my son to bring Susan, I want to see her, I...” his voice drifted of as he thought about the tired looking doctor with strands of white hair and thin circular silver rimmed spectacles.

“There’s no one named Susan listed in your direct contacts Mr Hendly.” The other nurse said, perhaps it was just exhaustion, but the nurse’s voice sounded slightly exasperated, as if he had been asked this question before. A lot.

“Fuck you. Get Susan.” Mr Hendly grumbled. “You know my son is on the way, he told me he was going to pick me up. He... he told me when... I believe it was two moths ago when he came to visit. He promised.”

“Whatever you say sir.” The first nurse responded.

His wheelchair creaked as the wheels turned round and round down long distended corridors that twisted and and coiled like the intestines of behemoth. Mr Hendly chuckled to himself as they passed a room with an open door, from inside he could hear some old lady complaining about her metal hip, and her neighbor telling her to shut the fuck up because she was dying of cancer.

Cancer.

“Fucking cancer.” Mr Hendly chuckled to himself “ ‘s always cancer.”

He had a vivid image of the tired looking doctor in silver rimmed spectacles. His lips kept moving, it’s cancer, it’s cancer, it’s cancer.

“It’s cancer!” He screamed.

“Mr Hendly please calm down.” The first nurse said in the most reassuring tone he could muster putting a hand in Mr Hendlys shoulder.

“You don’t have cancer Sir.” The second nurse added.

“ The fuck I don’t, where’s Susan?” Mr Hendly grumbled.

“Now Mr. Hendly there is no need for that kind of language.” The first nurse chided, and I don’t know who Susan is.

“Where’s is Susan I have to see her, where’s my son? I need to see him I need to tell him his mother is dead I need...”

“It’s going to be ok Sir we are almost there” the second nurse pushing the wheelchair said behind him.

The wheelchair squeaked outside into the the warm golden sunlight. His shoulders felt warm and welcomed the warm sunlight.

“I’m going home, I’m free.” He grumbled

Cars passed by patients came and went. Mr Hendly looked up and down the parking lot, up and down the adjacent street looking for the black Chevy that would take him home. A white bus pulled up driven by a young man in a blue uniform.

“Where’s my son?”

“Here’s your ride Mr Hendly.”

“The fuck you mean? Where’s my son, fuck you bastards! Where’s my son he fuckin promised! Where’s Susan she wouldn’t let this happen. Susan!”

“Calm down Mr Hendly you will be back home soon.”

The bright fluorescent light blinded him as he slowly drooled down his chest. The old lady’s at the table next to his cackled and argued over their game of bridge. He sat in his chair as the white fluorescent lights ached his shoulders and made him cold.

“He promised he’d take me home.” He whispered as he watched a young man and his wife visit what he could only assume was the mans old mother.

“He promised he’d come, he told me he’d come.”

A young nurse walked up and bent down looking him in the eyes, she put her hands on her knees and altered her voice as if speaking to a child.

“It’s time for your nap Mr Hendly”

“ I don’t want a fucking nap I want to go home.” He grumbled.

She pulled the break on his wheelchair and started to push him down the hallway towards his room. The fluorescent lights pressed down from above as the wheels creaked round and round below.

“I want to go home.” He whispered, “I want Susan.”

The nurse made no reply as she pushed him down the hallway.

“My son is coming to pick me up, haven’t I told you? He promised. He’s coming today I believe, he’ll be here you’ll see.”

“Your just tired Mr Hendly.” The nurse said in her best reassuring voice.

“He’s coming. You’ll see.” He said as she turned him into his room. His voice seemed to echo down the hallways in a soft breathy whisper:

“He’s coming. You’ll see.”

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