#fuck. i gotta start hrt

[burningcomputerpersona]

i just watched I Saw The Tv Glow and now i am in shambles

[mint-and-authoress]

Slime HRT - Full Core Integration

<<| ⏯️ |>>

[The scene opens to a not before seen living room. Familiar decor can be seen alongside other furnishings. Elise sits on a couch inside a small plastic tub, where only the upper half of her body can be seen. Next to her is a shorter woman, speckled with red scales across her skin and small claws and horns. The timestamp reads ‘5½ Months.’]

“Oh gosh, how does she do these…

“This is Elise’s entry at five and a half months into transition. I’m Pandora, her wife, and I’ll be speaking for her for this entry and hopefully only this entry. I just started my own species replacement therapy like two weeks ago I think? I kept it hidden from her to surprise her but about three days ago Elise’s vocal cords finally dissolved. That’s why I’m speaking for her.

“Normally she wouldn’t have done an update this early but I encouraged her to make something, mainly because I think it’s important to have this documented. Anyone who goes through the same stuff my wifey has should know how things go when you absolutely need help around the house.

[Pandora retrieves a piece of paper from offscreen.]

“We did make a list of things to go over. My love is going to be demonstrating a few things, and it is her documentation series… thing, so she’s gotta be a part of it! First off is the obvious: no more muscles, and no more bones either!

[Elise outstretches an ‘arm’ to show the lack of muscle and bone. The entire limb is transparent and a vibrant green.]

“All she has left is a few organs and her brain. Everything else is just a little goopy puddle.

[Elise nuzzles into Pandora’s shoulder, and is met with a kiss to the forehead.]

“All the affection is just my wife being all cute and loving, like she’s always been. She’s basically been biologically a slime for a few weeks now, and definitely passes as one from the few I’ve been able to see.

“As a matter of fact, we learned that slimes are apparently part of the country’s No Fly List, since they’re made up entirely of fluid. We had to do a whole cross-country road trip, meaning four days full of driving for me. Loved that. But it just meant that my little goop got to be a little passenger princess all the way back to the west coast!

“Back to the ‘my wife’s organs are starting to dissolve’ matter, she’s actually about two and a half months ahead of schedule. Which meant I had to have a very strongly worded talk with Dr. Acosta from Something Else Solutions. 

“Something Else Solutions is not licenced by anyone in Hyper City. We had to hire a private investigator to find that doctor. Turns out, he gave Elise a fake name and the whole office turned out to be some shady black market coven trying to advance their practices. So, my last week and a half has been spent talking to doctors and specialists and actual fucking witches. That last one was actually pleasant, and I would’ve enjoyed it a bit more if it wasn’t my love’s life on the line, possibly.

“The only real reason we’re doing an update now is because Elise is going into surgery tomorrow to get her core formed. Normally, Slime HRT has the patient go through something called C3 surgery: Core Cell Conversion. They’d take all your organs and link them together, and after a few weeks they’ll turn into what’s called a proto-core, which basically just replaces the organs. Eventually that proto-core absorbs the brain after like a month and at that point it’s just a normal slime core.

“Buuuut, now that someone went and fucked up my wife, she’s going into an emergency surgery called FCI: Full Core Integration. What they have to do–and thank the gods that we did this before her organs got dissolved–is take all her organs and her brain and rapidly accelerate that core formation process with donated nuclei from other slimes and a whole bunch of other inpatient hospital stuff. It takes a week, and after that Elise is gonna have a few gaps in her memory.

[Pandora hugs Elise from the side.]

“It’s scary. But we’ve somehow made it through worse.”

[The segment ends. The next segment fades in and shows a still image of a hospital waiting room. An anthropomorphic boar, a human skeleton with glowing green eyes, a well-dressed vampire and two humans are present around the room.]

-captions-

-The waiting room in the Hyper City Interspecies Hospital. Elise’s surgery was 12 hours long. 

[A picture of many specialists and surgeons, human and nonhuman, with a blonde human woman in the centre.]

-Thank you to the care team for everything and an even bigger thank you to Dr. Therkin for walking me through every step of the procedure.

[A picture of Elise in a pressurised tank, connected to a series of tubes, wires, and monitors. A very small, almost invisible mass is at the centre of the slime.]

-This was my wife for nine days. Very glad to report that she pulled through.

[The final picture fades out. The next segment fades in where Elise sits in a long tub in a hospital bed, with an intact emerald green core. A timestamp reads ‘Five Days Post Surgery - 6 Months.’]

“...This is…my entry at 6 months during transition. Or at least that is what I’ve been told.

“I’ve been conscious for five days. In that time I learned how to speak and I was reminded who everyone was. Apparently I was in a…terrible condition. My core was able to save my life, and for that I am very grateful.

“I came out of surgery with near total amnesia, they said. Apparently that is a risk when you undergo such a procedure. It isn’t all bad, though. Relearning you have a wife is incredibly nice, makes the core sing something fierce.

“I’ve watched through those progress reports and learned about the journey I’ve taken to get this far, and to think that all that progress is behind me is incredibly inspiring. I’m going to continue living, all because of the work she did. I get to be happy, have a wife, all thanks to her. 

“I’m not the same person as she was, definitely not. I have her voice, her life, and eventually the memories will come back, or so I’m told. But I don’t have her face, don’t have the same struggle that she had. So, please allow me to introduce myself once more to you all.

“My name is Mint, and I am a slime girl.”

[The scene fades to black as Mint extends herself towards the camera.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SLIEM TIEM IS BACK EVERYGOOP!!!

Plot Twist: Mint is Authoress :3c

I've been meaning to get this out for a while and Solstice hit me with a lead brick of inspiration! Mint is now here to stay, but by no means is her story over!

Shoutouts today go to @ariathelamia whose character Dr. Therkin made an appearance to advise the surgery team! Tbh I do not trust Erian as far as I can throw him (and for therian standards that is not that far), so we got a second opinion and went to her!

Next time on Slime Ball Z: going to the solstice and definitely having a transgender moment[tm] with doubts about what makes oneself a 'real slime'

[ariathelamia]

Hellhound HRT - Day -???

Little note at the start: Hellhound HRT is being written by Arynia, who is a alter... the only alter in this system ^^ Since she is unable to front so far, we decided to have her write the story~ well she tells me what to write and i do that~ Don't worry, Lamia HRT is going to continue! It's just a bit of a drawing rut on my end^^..

Thank you @dawning-mars for the cameo and help writing this~ it was a lot of fun working with you!! Anyway~ on to the story!!

“That FUCKING asshole!” 

I shout while kicking the empty can of soda down the alleyway, hitting a trash can and accidentally spooking the Racoon that was currently inside of it away..

I just happened to leave the clinic of this gigantic egotistical asshole doctor Erian, my tail all the way along my back and fur all over the place. Shit, getting ahead of myself here.

‘Sup, Names Arynia, but people just call me Nia. I’ve been on Wolf HRT for a while… probably what.. 4 to 5 months now? Well let me just paint a picture. Think about an average height punk girl, with a body mostly covered in a mix of orange and gray fur… Got a nice long undercut for hair, and an otherwise still pretty human face, if you discount the slight elongation that would become my snout one day.  Got me a pretty neat tail though! Doctor was quite surprised when he saw it, usually they don’t get that tall so quickly? I guess I lucked out on that one. Legs are still humanoid though… no signs of paws yet… they do ache a little but i guess i traded the Tail growth for the leg restructuring.. Well none of this matters now cause that fucker just cut me off the meds anyway because i accidentally let slip that “being a normal wolf might not be as fulfilling as i thought… that i wanted something a little… extra.”... Guess that was enough for that idiot asshole bastard to say “If you are not happy with the current progress then continuing from here on out won’t be in your best interest.” And something about coming back when i know what i actually want and if this is the right thing and- URGH!! I should have kept my mouth shut but that's just not my style… 

Anyway back to the here and now. Feeling kinda bad for the Racoon… well can’t say sorry now that it’s gone. But what the fuck do i do now? Well first things first, checking the messages… Lot’s o’ new people sending in their first dosage posts… pretty neat. Some new faces joined the support group-... ah shit gotta make the news that i probably gotta leave now.. since i don’t really have an ongoing prescription anymore… ACTUALLY- maybe someone has an idea what to do… yeah thats a better outlook, after all that asshole Theodore isn’t the only doc around. 

I ended up sending a lengthy text in the vent section about my situation.. At first people sent some pleasantries but then also some neat ideas on where to go. I did mention my wish for something more… extravagant and low and behold, someone heard of a library in Hypercity that I should check out. Something about a Mysterious worker there that spooked some customers away with her… “monstry aura”? Sounds neat. Just gotta find the place.

Good thing the Maps app on the phone works in Hyper City.. otherwise this place would become a maze… It’s been neat just exploring new areas though, seeing all kinds of people on different stages in their HRT. Cats… Bats… a freaking DRAGON… pretty sure saw some cyborg too but not sure if that’s HRT or just them wearing prosthetics.. either way looked pretty neat. Ever since this stuff hit the market, and more people managed to grab the formula and distribute it, new kinda therians pop out by the day. Good thing I got a spot in that support group when they still had any. Although things do be a bit hectic in the chats.. but that’s alright. Anything major and important is learned in the group sessions anyway.

After another half an hour of walking and listening to the instructions on my phone, I finally made it to the library…  Pretty normal looking place from the outside if you think about the worker here that everyone is making mysteries of is apparently supposed to be some kinda… space monster.. though the descriptions do shift from mention to mention. Anyway I decided it’s enough waiting around… time to go in.

The SECOND I stepped into the lobby, my instincts fired alarm signals. I don’t know how to interpret that but god damn, my fur was standing upright and my ears clenched backwards. What the fuck is going on? Despite my body telling me to run, I go forward… this wolf ain’t no quitter i tell you that! My hand slowly reaches for the bell at the reception, after three deep breaths I finally manage to ring it. The body is making one last attempt to try to make me run away, now that I have given away my position to whatever predator it was so afraid of. But I won't. I gotta know what the hell this place is about now.

As the bell rings, the library quickly goes cold. The lights seem to be weaker, trying to fight against a layer of darkness that wasn’t present before the ring. The air is heavy and the sounds of footsteps can be heard from book stacks. Through the Darkness emit 5 bright eyes, their pinkish purple hues fluctuate and pulse. 

“Hello Deary, Welcome to the Thayer Library. My name is Mars, how can I help you?” 

Her voice vibrates with an unnatural distortion. Emerging into view is a 7 foot tall creature. Her skin is an unsaturated purple that resembles that of a shark's skin. She wears a black 50’s style dress with a ribbon tied at her waist. A large black sun hat covers a portion of her feature lacking face.

Quite the contrast in style compared to my black tank top, skinny jeans with ripped sides and black and white sneakers…

Mars passes me, walking back to the front desk. She looks down and gives me a monstrously happy grin. 

I take a moment to take in this surreal sight… I’ve seen my fair share of therians and otherkin before… Hell, one of my friends is a freakin’ Lamia… but THIS?! This is something entirely different. Feel like I just got transported into a whole different world, even though my actual position did not change…

“Uhm- name’s Arynia.. I was told this place could help me out with a predicament I found myself in. You see i uh-... just got cut off from my HRT for wanting something more… “Special” than a normal wolf and uh-... yeah-... here I am. Is there anyone you can introduce me to? Or how does this work?...” 

I stop myself from just babbling on and wait with baited breath for the answer of Mars. Trying to figure out WHAT kind of otherkin she is…

“Hm, what exactly do you mean by ‘special’?” She asked, looking me over and giving an inquisitive glare. She didn’t have pupils to track, but the way her brows shifted and glared. I felt myself being scrutinized, like I was being dissected. I struggled to find the words, the eye on her forehead looked deeper than the rest. It’s unblinking resolve pierces through me to my very being. I felt afraid, angered, lost. She must’ve noticed how I felt as she reached to the lid of her hat and pulled it down to cover the fifth eye.

I looked at her with an unsure expression… What DID i mean by that? God, his words about being not sure what I even wanted came back to my head… I didn’t want to be just a wolf… although being a Wolf isn’t bad I just needed something more… “... demonic…”

I suddenly said quietly.. my own thoughts bubbling out of my mouth involuntarily.

“Not… like a demon-demon but like… I don't know… a Demon Wolf? Fur that is almost like smoke but also… solid? ... heat that burns in my chest…

That kinda special…”

Mars' expression changes and sits down at her computer. As her attention turned to the screen I felt a weight ease off me. I nervously watched as the being before me tapped away on her computer. As she typed up something she looked up.

“I think I understand” 

Mars says, not looking up from the computer screen.

“There are ways to be… ethereal, cosmic, existing both in the mortal realm and the outer realms. Technically speaking, what you’re asking fits the description of the Abrahamic Hellhound. But I feel that’s not what you're looking for. It’s hard to explain the unexplainable… trust me..”

Mars hits the enter button as she looks back up at me. A kinder smile on her face as she looked for my response. The pressure of her presence once more weighed down on me as I stumbled to respond.

I scratch the back of my head and nod. 

“Y-yeah. Kinda hard to find something that describes the kind of thing I am looking for. A Hellhound sounds not bad, maybe some kinda different version! Maybe something with a bit more… fur hehe.. I guess you would know what it’s like. I don’t want to sound mean but I have never seen anything like you either.”

“Well my transition is a bit… different than the rest.. it’s hard to explain and it’s harder to understand. Frankly I’m still trying to figure out what I am and what’s going on…”

I notice her grab something from behind their desk. She looks down as I hear her scribble something out before standing up once more.

“I think I have something of interest to you, within the archives we have a selection of old reproductions from the Library of Alexandria. It was there where I found a way to become what I am. I believe I know something in the vault that might help you”.

She walked past me, her back appendages stretching outward and then falling back to a rest state. Her tail sways as she walks past the stacks and to a glass door saying ‘Employees Only’.

“Stay here and I’ll have the item brought down for you, feel free to look around while I’m gone.”

It was then that I first noticed how freaking exhausted I was from all the tension that was constantly in my body. I slumped against the desk and felt like I could breathe normally for the first time in my life, even when I didn't notice me breathing abnormally before. This entire situation is beginning to make me feel… somewhat… no… not somewhat.. REALLY excited! When I first started my transition into a Wolf, I felt a slight excitement with it.. not nearly as strong as it is now.  I was sure, this is it! I am at the right place, whatever comes next is what I really wanted!! 

I didn’t start looking around, my feet were almost stuck to the ground, my body still somewhat on edge. My fur definitely needed a brush now with how much it keeps shifting from the adrenaline that keeps shooting through my body in waves. I can’t wait to see what Mars is going to bring back from that employee section… figures that the good stuff is being held back from the general public but hey, who am i to complain. It’s not like the things are not being used for others outside of the employees, guess there is a genuine reason.. if it is able to “produce” beings like Mars, maybe that’s for the better to keep it somewhat detained.

There’s a ding from behind the door and the sound of something rolling. As the employee door unlocks Mars steps out, pushing along a small cart. The second she’s within eyesight I feel her presence once more as I find myself frozen with anxiety. 

“Here we are, the Alexandria Chronicles.”

She says with a pleased chirp. She sets the book between two angled pieces of foam. She gently flips through the pages, being extra careful with her sharpened talons. She settles on a page with incantation circles and text written in some ancient language. She moves her head and runs her claw along the text before turning back to me.

“Arynia, what I have here is a book that contains the remnants of the Library to Alexandria. Within these pages contain the history of the old gods, the ones who continue to influence us in secret. If you want to be like me, you will be made aware of these old ones. You will endure immeasurable pain and psychosis. I say this not to scare you, but to warn you.. to prepare you..”

Mars ushers me forward with her hand. I feel myself walk towards her, but not on my own volition. I approach the book, seeing the inscriptions up close and find the page overwhelming with information. 

“Do you have any questions?”

I take a long look at the writing. Nothing I could ever understand… but still i feel the weight of Mars’s words on my entire body. “I was ready for the pain of the HRT. I saw how much it weighed down on people I care about so that point I am sure is not going to hold me back. As for these old ones…” I took a determined look at Mars, as much as I felt afraid when simply in her presence… There was also the resolve to continue.

“I guess my only question would be when we can start. I can worry about the rest later. Right now my heart tells me that this is the right thing for me.”

Mars smiles and gestures back to the book, her clawed finger gently pointing at a scribble written in the margins. The blurb appears to be an old attempt at translating the chant. The combination of consonants and vowels made it difficult to read. 

“If you need assistance, never be shy to reach out. With that said, let’s begin”.

I nod, but then raise an eyebrow. “So-  I just read out the stuff written on the page?”

“We’ll need to set up a ritual circle, but try reciting this till you feel confident. I’ll get the circle set up.”

Mars steps back and walks to the front door. I hear the latching of the front doors and her footsteps walking to the front desk. I turn my attention back to the few lines of translated text. I reread the text a few times working on the exotic letter combinations. Once confident I try saying it out loud in a hush tone. Tripping over a few words but finding it not as difficult as I initially thought. 

Would have never thought I would end up in a library, practicing ancient texts in order to get some medicine that turns me into a hellhound! Not to mention this being connected to eldritch gods? Wonder if i should give this maybe some more thought… but then again.. it’s this or going to that asshole Erian and beg him to put me back on the hrt… yeah no this is definitely the better option. 

I ended up practicing for, what felt like an hour, managing to no longer stumble over the words. I pick up the book, still mumbling the text while walking to where Mars is probably either still setting up, or is waiting for me. 

I reached a clearing and found a large summoning circle matching the one from the book. Another circle filled the center as well as a ring of the ancient language. She smiled at me as she stood and handed me a candle. 

“Set this where you like and light it. Once that’s done we’ll be ready”.

I nodded and turned away as I was handed a candle and a match. My mind raced with thoughts and feelings. I couldn’t stop contemplating if this was the right choice. If this would truly make me a hellhound. I felt drawn to a certain part of the circle and placed the candle. As I lit it I felt the air shift, my breath could be seen and as I turned back Mars sat just outside the circle with the book. She ushered me forward and like earlier I felt myself moving at her command. I kneeled next to her and looked at the book, sweat racing down my cheek as Mars placed a hand on my shoulder.

“It’s ok hun, I’ll be here to help you”.

I felt comforted by that and gave a gentle smile. I turned down to the book, nervously grabbing the edges and looking back at the translation. I grew worried that I would mess this up, that I flub the pronunciation. I felt like I was drowning and gasped for the biggest breath I’ve ever taken. And then, I began reading.

“Ph’nglui Mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh.. Wgah’nagl fhta-“

I felt a pit in my stomach, the last syllable seemed impossible to say, the ease and confidence was gone. Now I fought against some external force to finish the words.

“FHTAGN!!!!”

Then there was a flash, my eyes began to tear up as I felt a rush of surging energy. The circle illuminated, the ground shook, I felt my face being pulled in all directions. I wanted to shut my eyes but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything but witness waves of images and voices. My vision began to split, I could see more than just the library. I could see pillars, a cracking moon, a hall draped with yellow banners. These images flooded my mind and soul and then nothing. I was floating in a vast void, I felt a moment of ease before the realm began splitting, an eye larger than anything I’ve ever witnessed glared at me… through me? I tried avoiding its gaze, but I wasn't able to… I tried to speak up but my instincts clenched my mouth shut. 

I felt another rush as I was pulled away and then, finally, I blinked. My eyes celebrated the release of the tension as they began to refocus. I felt control regain in my mind and arms as I reached up and wiped the tears. I took a moment to recover, my mind still reeling from what I witnessed.

“Harsh, isn’t it?”

I turned to see Mars who looked relieved. She smiled and placed a hand on my shoulder. 

“You seemed to handle that very well. It’s something to have every sense we have to be overwhelmed. It’s crippling, and when we have that control it feels so foreign..”

Mars reached for the now closed book and took it in her arms. She cradled it like a child and stood up and offered me a hand. I wasn’t sure I could stand yet, my legs felt like they were still trembling. I could tell Mars read my expression as she pulled her hand away. 

“Sorry, why don’t you relax a bit while I get this all cleaned up.”

I nod to the best of my ability. Still trying to come to terms with what just happened. My eyes went from Mars towards the ground as my mind tried to make sure that I was back on earth… and not in whatever place I was before… It is at this very moment I start to realize what I just signed myself up for. And the fact settles in that this is not going to be the last time my very foundation of reality is going to be shaken. I look up at Mars one more time.

“Di-” I cough.. damn spit must have gotten in my throat at some point…

“Did it work?”

Mars turns her attention to the center of the circle and sees a small orange bottle. And smiles and turns back to me and nods.

“It did, welcome to family”

I looked back to the center of the circle when Mars did, turning back shortly after with a smile. 

“Thanks~ I guess I’ll be visiting this place more often now~” 

I slowly stand up, my legs still shaking from the ordeal and pick up that small orange pill bottle. It has my name on it… hades-lupusitine… bit on the nose name but hey, ain’t gonna complain as long as it does the job. The name of the prescribing doc was left blank though… then again that makes sense… don’t think you can fit whatever that eyeball's name was on the small tag of a pill bottle… IF that was the one that heard my call from the ritual… 1-0-1… so guess two of them a day… mornings and evenings huh?

I turn back to Mars with a smile as big as I can manage, and a wagging tail swishing behind me.. 

“Thank you so goddamn much for all of this Mars!” She smiled back at me. No more words needed to be spoken… not that I was really able to speak much after that mental strain anyway.. She kindly walked me out of the Library after putting the book back where it was safe. We waved each other goodbye, promising to stay in touch. I took my walk home, caressing the small pill bottle in my Jeans pocket and just itching to take the first pill in the evening. I just hope the next cosmic horrors at least knock first…  

-----------------------------------------------

Next

Definitely check out Mars's Eldritch HRT series!!

[queermasculine]

Hello I just wanna say thanks cos im finally starting T soon and Uve been stressing over it quite a bit due to the hassle and all the naysayers and that but scrolling thru this blog to the point of dehydration has reminded me that I have a brilliant full future ahead of me so thanku for that.

proud of you for getting there champ you're gonna do great, don't sweat it & remember if you gotta go off T at any point for whatever reason that's normal as fuck no cause to freak out, really common for ppl to go off T and then get back on it when they can (or go off once they get the permanent changes they wanted) you're in control of your own transition, you're driving, the hrt works for you not the other way around, don't forget that & godspeed👍

[official-megumin]

there is always this discourse about if transfem and transmascs have it worse

And like, I know it's not really quantifiable and measureable to find the objective suckiness of being trans.

But like

Man it's gotta suck to be a trans guy. This is coming from the perspective of a trans girl btw.

I know that not all transmascs care about passing and having a "fully male body", like everyone decides for themselves what they wanna do. But let's see this from the perspective from a trans guy who wants to be as close to a cis perisex man as possible, this guy is also perisex afab, meaning normal development and stuff.

Ok, so for this man to "finish" his transition, he would need like, what? 3 surgeries. All of which are gatekept. He would need top surgery, tit chop as you say.

This is already a lot, and it sucks fucking dick that y'all have to wait for that. But other than that already sucky and gatekept surgery, we also have phalloplastry, which many countries including Denmark, doesn't offer at all because it's more complicated than vaginoplastry.

This is also a hugely impactful surgery, and I assume that for many trans men, it also doesn't really feel good enough because no semen and dick pump. Of course I'm no expert, so don't take what I say as gospel, I might flat out be wrong about many things.

But that still isn't it. By now we have moved past surgeries the average transfem would "need"

Like yes, many trans women end up getting BA and FFS to combat dysphoria on top of bottom surgery, but they aren't "required" in the same way. So let's round it out and say one half of both of those surgeries count, so that means that transfems on average get two gender affirming surgeries. Which means that now, transfem and transmasc surgery counts are the same.

But wait, there's more!

There are also hysterectomies to remove the uterus and ovaries. Which again is very extremely gatekept because "devine femininity"(bleugh)

That's three surgeries to transition "normally" for a transmasc versus the two of a transfem, already there it's more sucky.

Of course this is not taking other typically gendered features into account like hip and shoulder width, which is too variable to really take into account here. Also it is not as widely different between the sexes as some people claim.

But this is just the surgery front.

I can't even begin to imagine how dysphoria inducing dealing with menstruation must be to a trans man.

Like periods suck dick, I know that from personal exprience. It hurts like shit for like a week at a time and there's blood everywhere.

But for trans men you add fucking dysphoria on top of that???? Hellish, the female reproductive system is so invasive and intrusive. For transfems we can just y'know, not touch the thingy and we won't have to worry about a visceral bloody reminder every month that stays even after hrt starts.

Really what I want to say is that yea sure maybe transfems struggle more with sexism and such whilst transitioning, I'd argue even that is not quantifiable and will be hugely variable on how the individual looks(speaking from experience as a trans girl who has not once had transphobia aimed at her in person in public from strangers)

But the physical struggle of transitioning? I think that trans masculine transitions take the cake by far here. Like objectively too.

And all the transmascs out there at all, doesn't matter how dysphoric you are, or how far you wanna take your transition. I respect you so god damn much, and I'm in awe of all of you. You're genuinely incredible

[nuancefem]

you are not "detrans" you are cis

i'm definitely what you'd call cis too! though cis/bio womanhood is not at all what most tras assume it's like. especially detrans cis/bio womanhood. and for me, the label detrans helped me find others like me. it kept me from hating my own guts. it helped me find a community of ppl who actually understand what i've been through and don't think i'm a freak.

living as trans for 13 years changed what mainstream tras would call my gender identity forever. it also is a way for me to find people who also went thru what i went thru. i get a lot of DMs from other detrans women and detrans men who lived as trans or even transitioned partially/fully like me (i was on testosterone for a bit and have an awkward bit of annoying af stubble T_T gotta get expensive laser for that... it can be isolating!). to me, i will never again be a fully cis woman. i will forever be affected with having struggled with intense dysphoria for 13+ years. i also feel like my cis womanhood in general has forever been changed with me having rejected it and then finding it again - it does NOT feel the same way as my girlhood did. in girlhood, i didn't give a shit what people thought girls or boys needed to do. doubly so because i was autistic. then puberty came, and the usual teenage girl and/or afab experience of needing to conform to cispatriarchal expectations came, and i freaked the fuck out about my boobs, about how boys were suddenly treating me and the things my shitty female relatives told me were "becoming a woman" (all very conservative notions of womanhood) and it grossed me out so badly, on top of grappling with being into other afab people, and i just totally distanced myself from girlhood at all. i gave up on making my own scrungly, gender nonconforming version of girlhood. girlhood felt like it had no room for people like me.

and so i kicked it out of my mind. i obsessed over becoming a boy. some trans boys, ofc, become happily trans men. for me, though, it personally was an escape. i was trans-identified for all the wrong reasons and it really fucked me up. it made my internalized lesbophobia so much worse, to the point where i even started identifying as pansexual/bisexual (PREPOSTEROUS thing for me since i had never ever in my entire life been attracted to a man or someone living as male in society... but i was into non-transitioned transmasc people, so i thought i couldn't possibly be lesbian!). for me, the trans identity was a bandaid, it was a crutch in the worst possible way. detrans people aren't trying to make trans people look bad. we're not trying to convert y'all, we don't give a shit. we're too busy grappling with our newfound connection to cis womanhood/cis manhood and dealing with transition-related issues.

we NEED to find fellow detrans folks or we'll go batshit crazy with shame at having made a mistake, guilt at being weaponized without our consent against the trans community, and just fucking hating how hrt/surgeries affected our bodies and trying to come to terms with that and learning to love our bodies as they are despite it all.

detrans cis womanhood will never be normie cis womanhood.

detrans cis manhood will never be normie detrans manhood.

living as trans for years affects you DEEPLY. trans people should know this first-hand. detrans folks, simply by starting to live as cis / bio men/women again, cannot suddenly erase all those years as if they never existed. we just can't. i'm sorry. i tried. dear goddess i really fucking tried harder than you'll ever know. and so did so many of my detrans friends and my darling detrans girlfriend.

but detrans people need other detrans people.

mainstream tras don't understand us.

cis/bio radfems who aren't detrans often misrepresent us.

we need eachother.

and our voices NEED to be heard too.

both radfems AND mainstream tras don't get it.

detrans & desisted folks NEED sisterhood & siblinghood.

only detrans women understand other detrans women.

only detrans men understand other detrans men.

i will always be seeking out lost detrans sisters. and i will always want to hear out my detrans brothers. i love my detrans/desisted community. we've been through really hard shit, we're more likely to be gay, more likely to be traumatized, more likely to be autistic. we're not what you think. and now you need to sit down and hear our stories. sorry. it has to happen. or feel free to block all detrans voices and plug your ears and go lalala! and now i'm not talking to you specifically anon, i don't want to put assumptions in your little mouth. but i'm talking to ALL mainstream trans activists, anti-radfems especially, who assume the very worst of us from the get-go. those who want detrans & desisted people to pretend we were always cis and normies who should pretend to not be deeply affected by our real lived detrans/desisted experiences. we will not shut up. we refuse to. both radblr and normie leftblr misrepresent us.

our voices matter. or, at the very least, we deserve to put detrans/desisted in our bios so we can find one another. shoutout to my detrans & desisted siblings!!! i love you!!!! <33

[boringkate]

Hey Kate, I just started HRT and I gotta say I'm so happy now! Thank you for being an inspiration and honestly fucking goals for me! I'm so glad I found you and you helped crack my egg 💚💚💚 Keep being the beautiful woman you are!

Congratulations!

[coldresolve]

Hi, I'm Elias, I'm a 26yo trans guy from Denmark. I write shit, I draw shit, and I get into unneccesarily tedious arguments with anons about torture apologia in fiction. I think that sums up my vibe

I've made a few posts about this already, but tl;dr: the Danish NHS has been refusing to treat me for gender dysphoria for the better part of a year now because they've deemed me "unstable." Unstable how, you ask?

I have depression.

No, that is quite literally it. Full context under the readmore.

Fighting to be heard and having the door repeatedly slammed in your face sucks peak ass, and I'm done now. The NHS is so lackluster when it comes to trans people, all of a sudden, it makes perfect sense to me why 31% of transgender Danes get HRT outside of the NHS.

And I'd rather not have to turn to the black market, so rn I'm hoping to get a prescription with GenderGP. The issue is, I'm poor as fuck and can't afford the start-up fees for the forseeable future - unless I do something like this. I hate asking others for money, and I hate it even more if I'm not in a place where I can give anything in return. But I also recognize I'm in over my head with this, so. If you've got a cent or two to spare, I'd be grateful as hell.

I've mathed it out, and my best estimate is that I need around 3500,- DKK / $500 USD. Again, this is just to cover the initial subscription as well as mandatory consultations/blood tests. I should be able to cover the prescriptions on my own, as well as further tests/consultations down the line, so I'm hoping this is a one-and-done sort of thing.

paypal: elimunpau@gmail.com

Also, important note. We're in a global cost of living/housing crisis and this isn't a strict life-or-death situation. If you're in a tough spot right now, don't send me anything, that'd just make me feel worse about asking. I appreciate the thought but you gotta take care of your own needs first. Peace and take care ✌️

So I've been dealing with major depressive disorder since I was 11. It runs in my family, and as you might imagine, after 15 years of living with this thing, I've learned how to manage it pretty well by now. I know what it's like to genuinely be unstable - and if I were in a place like that, no problem, I'd be open about that. I wouldn't be making decisions like this. I know myself. You kind of have to when you're dealing with a chronic mental illness.

Here's where I am right now: I've got no suicidal ideation, been clean from self harm for four years, no psychosis, no inpatient admissions for the last five years. I live on my own, take my meds, and I'm keeping my life in order. Depressed, yes, but about as stable as someone with my history can get, and ask anyone who knows me, me wanting to get on HRT isn't some spur of the moment decision. I've done a fucking decade of soul searching, and a few years ago, I finally (duh) reached the conclusion that living as a woman isn't something I can even fake being content with - believe me, I've tried. I'm well aware of the scope of medical transition, but I'm settled in who I am. And I just want to live like me now. That's the only thing I want.

If it counts for anything, my partner and family have supported me through this, which has been priceless obviously, but it also goes to show that me saying "I'm capable of making medical decisions" isn't purely a personal assessment. I'm pretty sure they'd speak up if they thought I was being unstable about it or whatever

But the CPH clinic for sexology, who have consistently refused to listen to me telling them all this, have somehow magically aquired divine knowledge on my capacity to make adult decisions about my own body, and on the basis that I have MDD, they're refusing to even set me up for a preliminary interview - one that would preceed a 6 month full-team psych evaluation before the prospect of HRT would even come up. They said in their latest refusal that they wont accept another referral from me until a year after my last in-clinic conversation with them, which happened on October 24th, 2023 - meaning that with the NHS, if they accepted my referral come October (which I don't have much faith they will), the earliest I could possibly get on HRT is April 2025. Arguing for my own sanity would've sucked enough as is, but it's made harder by the fact that they won't even talk to me. You're a trans guy who would like healthcare, but you have a mental illness? Good luck, you're on your own. Long live the Danish bureaucracy.

Dysphoria makes me fucking miserable. I'd rather not have to write a sob story here, and tumblr is like 80% trans people so I guess a good portion of you can imagine why waiting another year for the possibility of maybe-perhaps-if-all-goes-well getting on HRT would not actually make me less miserable about it.

So. I'm sitting down next week along with my mom to file a formal complaint with the patient's rights committee. I don't know what to call this other than some form of discrimination on the basis of mental illness, because nothing in my current situation would prohibit me from making medical decisions for myself. And I honestly don't think that a complaint is going to do much, but I intend to make it obnoxiously long, because by law, a specialized doctor and an attorney have to read through the whole thing. If you can't beat 'em, make 'em read 50 pages of you going into detail about why you think they suck, right

And yeah, like I said, in the meantime, I'm trying to go via GenderGP. It'd be nice if my poor ass could get HRT via the NHS instead of having to pay out of pocket, but apparently the bar for entry requires that you 1) have gender dysphoria to the point where it impedes normal function and 2) somehow aren't mentally ill. Who wrote these rules? Some 60yo cis guy in a suit in Christiansborg, I imagine.

Feel free ask about anything relating to this whole situation, I'll be as open as I can about it, cause I understand that if you're going to give money to someone, you want to know what it's going to. Though I hope you understand I'm not going to doxx myself more than I already have now, or give you my entire medical history - only what's relevant to my current situation.

I know Denmark is a welfare state and on a global scale we're doing alright, but I hope you don't mind if I say this: This shouldn't be happening as often as it does. Fuck the Danish NHS.

[paradoxmimzy]

Shapeshifter HRT

Day -394

I go in to the doctor. Doctor T.H. Arian. The name is a little suspicious but his treatment of my wife has been favorable.

"I thought about this for a long time doctor. I want to be a shapeshifter."

His face gets serious. "Do you know how many people that come in here and ask for that? What do you really want to be? We do offer polytherian treatments if you just can't decide between a few."

So I list them. Every single one. Cat, dog, fox, mouse, snake, bird, hermit crab, angel, devil, elf, vampire, unicorn, hamster, ferret… and others… forms that don't have names but I describe their anatomy in great, sickening, detail.

"If I tried to go through all of them one at a time it would be too complicated. Too much for me to keep track of and what happens if I want to change into something I haven't listed yet? Please doc, if I had to be one thing it would be a shapeshifter."

He removes his glasses and sighs.

"There is a treatment for it." He says.

I can't contain my squeaks of excitement.

"But." He cuts me off. "The substance I'm using is a lot more controlled. I can guarantee the things that it will do to your body will be worse than what your wife went through."

"I still want it… If you got anything that basically makes me like Venom that would be ideal."

"Will you be changing into anything mechanical or robotic?"

"Probably not."

"Okay. I will put in the request now, but do not hold your breath. A government agent will eventually contact you and mail you the paperwork that you need to fill out."

- Day -96

6:21 in the morning. My phone was ringing and with my wife still asleep I answered it.

"Hello this is Officer Mitchell. I am here with Agent Duress. We're here to ask you some questions about this… medication you are requesting?"

My local sheriff, with some guy from the government. Great.

"Yeah I made a request sometime last year and hadn't heard anything."

"Yes, well. There had been some policy changes 150 days ago about the substance you're requesting. Everyone who filed a report had to do so again."

"And I'm just hearing about this now??"

"Your doctor had been informed about it two weeks ago and resubmitted all files that needed to be submitted. He requested we handle this urgently so that is what we're doing, ma'am."

"I'm not a ma'am. Please use Sir if you can."

"With all due respect, ma'am. You take this medicine it's going to turn you into something that I don't even want to think about. Gender ain't gonna mean much to a freak like you."

"I can still use whatever damn pronouns I want."

"Okay, okay. No need to be so sensitive about it. I just gotta sign this thing that says I'll keep an extra eye out for you if you decide to start doing crimes."

"Oh my god."

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to be everything all these stupid fucking things. Ferret, angel, hermit crab? Really? If any crimes are done from species in any of these lists you're gonna be on the suspect board by default."

"Fine. I'll consent to it."

"Alright, good. Next is understanding the exact risk of this substance. Has your next of kin been notified?"

"My wife is fully aware yes."

"Your parents, darling. I'm asking about your parents."

"Dad died 3 years ago and mom's never had custody of me. I am nearly 30 fucking years old, why are you asking about my fucking parents?"

"Standard procedure. Normally we have underage people asking for this stuff. So what age would you say you were dysphoric as a… 'Mono-formic being.'" He sounded out each word bitterly.

And so the questions went on and on and on and on and on. Until finally a voice different from the sheriff's came in.

"Thank you for your time. It will be under consideration."

And then it hung up.

"Ugggghhhh." I groan to myself.

"If you wanna go to the diner I could search for a shirt that fits me now." My cow wife says.

"It's fine. I'll just hang out on the internet. All I can do is fucking wait after all. From email or carrier pigeon I guess!!"

"Too loud."

"Sorry. I'm just mad."

"Do you think they hire pigeon therians into the government to carry messages?" She asks,

"Derpy Hooves is definitely a pigeon therian." I reply back,

"So true OP…" She yawns and slips back into sleep.

- Day 0

It was a text message. It was ready at the pharmacy and all I needed to do was go pick it up like any other medicine.

Doctor T.H. Arian gave me information on how to apply it and what to expect for the low dose they start me on.

He was very insistent I record my emotional state through this and that he would be prepared to stop the treatment if it made me 'worse.' Though he refused to define what worse was.

The medicine itself was just a little black goo in a bottle. I had been informed that it could be applied just on my skin, but that carried a risk to my partner and her own HRT procedures. So I opted for injection instead.

[chainsawmanfan]

the fuck you mean i gotta wait three weeks to start talking bout HRT with my parents. like. i know we got a ton of shit going on (my sister has tics, my brother is out of the house for a month, my mom has a ton of work, and I just switched to online school) but like i need the HRT nowwww

[tigerdrop]

Is it okay to ask how T works?

I wanna be able to support my friends through it so if something happens I can tell her it's okay

in a general sense i think the world wide web would have better primers than me lol. and doctors as well. but in the specific sense of "what does it do to your sexuality" it can affect ppl in different ways

generally it tends to make you hornier (which is why you see lots of ads for "low T" cis men who want to increase their sex drive) but for some ppl testosterone does change how you experience attraction and desire. in my experience i would not say it was a Radical change but more that i was deeply closeted about being a lesbian and deeply insecure in my identity

(theres more under the cut cuz im aware this is the billionth time ive talked about this. bonks my head so cute)

i stopped feeling attracted to anybody without tits and pussy like. At all. but this is also influenced by the fact that i was never physically into cis men or trans women in the first place - ive fucked a cartoonish amount of both parties and just zoned out the entire time and thought about yaoi. (i wish i was joking.)

so like when i started T it emphasized my actual physical attraction to people much more. it freaked me out that i would rather watch porn with hot women in it than trawl thru ao3 for gay male erotica. my whole identity was wrapped up in "straight men are a threat to women so im Not straight and i Love being a gay man" so anything that threatened that scared me bigtime

its not like a total 180 basically. at least in my experience. and not everybody is gonna feel the same changes either. some ppl dont change much at all in this area. some ppl feel much more attracted to men! but your brains a part of your body (which is actively changing on HRT) and your hormones are a huge driver of sexuality, so its not uncommon

(for the record its not like i just stopped being into the written word, either. i love reading about ppl with pussy going sicko mode. its just so much harder to find......which is why i guess i gotta be the change i wanna see in the world)

[ariathelamia]

Hellhound HRT Month 6 (4 month wolf 2 month Hellhound)

Heya! It’s me again… starting to do some note taking which… i got kinda chewed out on not doing any of that when i woke up in the hospital-.. wait fuck getting ahead of myself. Let’s start from after I parted with Mars.

So, yeah I got home that day pretty ecstatic to say the least, I mean who can say that they get their meds from an eldritch ritual!... well Mars probably can but that's besides the point let me have this! 

The tablets taste awful, which is to say a lot since my taste hasn’t been the same since about month… 3 or 4? Something something Carnivores taste a lot less than herbivores or omnivores. Well anyway, meat tasted better than before, that’s for sure, but yeah everything else always tasted kinda… bland… so i started to enjoy textures more than taste… where was I?.. Oh yeah, taste of the meds… HORRIBLE.. like someone mixed the consistency of chalk with the aftertaste of puking your guts out… urgh… made a habit of putting them in a little bit of food and then down them that way… that way i at least only taste the food at first and only later maybe a bit of the meds.. 

Sooo anyway, changes… they happen fast on this stuff!! Maybe that's because there is a lot of change to come?... Or the cheap shot Erian gives us some diluted shit because he wants us on the meds for longer for a better and long lasting payroll… anyway! 

The most notable change is my fur… it changed COMPLETELY in color! It used to be orange with a few gray streaks here and there and now it’s almost entirely black with some gray highlights like the fur on my chest or around my wrists and.. other joints. pretty neat! Could swear some of these kinda look like eyes.. especially those on my elbow and knees.. wonder if it’s like a mark from who i got those meds? Well they look cool so i won’t complain!

But yeah pretty much my entire body is covered in fur now, with the fur in my face being a lot shorter and more dense… It feels REALLY fluffy though… like i swear to god i brush through it, and if i don’t press down it almost feels like brushing throw air… that kinda soft.

When it comes to other changes in my body… my legs hurt somewhat now… i guess that means they are starting to change form now too.. becoming.. digigrate.. or something like that? Wolf like! 

My Nails have now pretty much fused with my fingers. They actually look like really sharp claws now. Can’t pull them in yet so… gotta be double careful when scratching myself… already nicked myself pretty bad when I scratched an itch on my shoulder.

The tail has been as fluffy as ever~ I love this thing!!! Helped me a lot with my balance when doing parkour too! it’s just great~ 

Oh yeah! I am slowly growing a snout! hurts like a motherf-.... but damn finally!

Uhm… other than that… i noticed some tightness in my chest about three weeks ago… thought i just overexerted myself but… turns out it was worse than that. Which brings me to the reason I actually ended up in the hospital.

So here I was… meeting some friends from an online group that's basically made by therians for therians, which is an outdoor activity club for those of us that love exercising with our new formed abilities! Tell ya what, ain’t a damn human out there that can teach ya better how to use that tail for balance than some cat therian who already figured it out~ it’s quite specific and you gotta get a feel for it.. but their explanations helped a lot in increasing my stability when free running! Anyway I trailed off.

So I met those people again, that day it was another wolf therian like me- wait.. not like me, forgot i’m a hellhound for a second-, then there was that persian cat therian guy… and big ol’ me! We started easy with warm ups and stretches… that's also when my chest felt tight again for a moment.. but it went away really quickly so i ignored that… bad mistake.

Then we started running around the park at first.. into a more urban area of Hyper City, where we started to climb the buildings, jump some walls… typical kinda parkour stuff! It felt great having the wind in my fur, and doing it with a couple people that get it the same way I do! And boy oh boy am I happy they were there with me… 

Memory is a bit hazy… but I just remember being… hot.. like literally… my chest felt tight as hell, pun intended, and I was literally in mid jumping motion, past the point of no return…. two… and a half stories above some alleyway… and I freaking passed out, like that… From what the others told me I was right behind them… and then I was gone… but they saw some smoke coming up from in between the buildings… I was incredibly lucky I fell into a dumpster.. but must have hit the wall straight on before that… They had trouble getting me out cause… turns out when i told Mars i’d love to have a “fire in my chest”... the eldritch must have listened and taken it literally.. or it’s simply a hellhound thing to have freaking FIRE IN YOUR CHEST. But yeah grabbing me was difficult, too close to my chest and they got burned… even my freaking tank top burned away… god am i lucky i got fur covering my chest already.. the possible embarrassment!! 

But yeah they apparently got me out, called the hospital… and rest is uh history.

According to the doctor’s i had several broken bones… collar… lower legs.. right arm and shoulder… minor fracture of the skull.. lots of shaved skin from hitting a literal brick wall.. 

and to top it all off… freaking 185 degree fahrenheit (or 85° Celsius for us europeans) fever.

They apparently had to put me into an ice bath… and cooled me with tons of ice packs to try and fight the “fever”. Only when Erian, after they had called him in for a consult, figured out what was going on, they simply put me on heat proof bedding and sheets… and kept the temperatures from reaching too high. Guess we Hellhounds can grow a flame organ, kinda like dragons, in our chest.. When I asked them later if that means I can breathe fire they shrugged… I tried but nothing came out except for some smoke.. we all start small… but what we did find out was that, the heat that the organ produces is linked to my emotions. 

When i get angry, it goes up a lot! Happiness and excitement raises it somewhat and the calmer i am, the more towards “normal” temperatures it goes… Still don’t know what sadness does cause… they didn’t wanna force me to cry… tough luck trying in the first place, but they hypoth-... hyppo… they think it would lower the temperature further.

Anyway i am trying my best to stay calm and not get mad cause… while my organ is already functioning pretty well… my body still can’t handle the heat super well… It hurts when it gets too high and I end up with fever symptoms… so yeah gotta wait till I build up some resistance. 

Oh if you’re interested… i was apparently out for about 12 days- plus side, almost two new releases of my shows to watch! But… when i was out… I had some weird dreams… about the moon?... but also about those places i’ve seen from that ritual… They asked me to elaborate about it but nuh-uh, not gonna say a word to them! Not before I talked to Mars about it. Anyway yeah i remember some… weird creature trying to talk to me, didn’t understand a single word but it looked… at least a very little like mars… just… no visible eyes.. some long ass head… and big fucking grin… 

Had some time to think about it all a bit.. and one thing strikes me as odd. While i do take my meds during the early hours and the evening… the changes happen mostly at night… at least the biggest ones… sure the pain carries through the day but it only ever gets really bad at night… So it’s odd that my organ started to become active during the day… hm… bad luck i guess.

Now I gotta explain myself to Erian… way too many questions but he allowed me to rest for now before he comes back and asks them again… “Where did you get those meds? What species did you choose? Are you getting your check ups? Did you think for a moment before taking some back alley medicine?!”... blah blah…. as if it wasn’t partly his fault i had to ask some more… devious powers to help. Not that I regret it. Though it was nice of him to talk to the staff to let me continue taking those meds for now! I’m also back on his schedule again… probably better to be on “Mysterious alien provided Hellhound HRT” with a doctor that has seen a couple weird things already. Therian care seems to be still a little bit of an issue in most hospitals.... then again who can say they have an idea how to treat a hellhound… not something people face on a regular basis like a dog or a cat… 

The only annoying part is that… i’m now pretty much stationary… I get some visits from friends of the support group, and the runners group too, they bring me things I need… like a new tank top for when i finally get out of here… 

Oh yeah-... and the pain… god having broken bones AND changing bone structure is NO FUN! And the painkillers they give me are wack…. urgh note to myself… if anything feels slightly off before or during a run… stick to the low ground… 

________________________________

Yay Part two done! Lets keep the fun times going~

Previous | Next

[livingthedragonlife]

50 Question for Rook

i wanted to answer all these too! despite the title of the game itself, i did ruin it a little bit by adding spoilers to my answers so! be warned!

[the ask game in question]

[my Rook, real name Valonril, also Val, I use all 3 interchangeably]

1. How old is Rook?

He is 28!

2. How did Rook get the nickname? What do they think of it?

Well, Varric says he gives it to you because it’s a powerful piece but you “think in straight lines.” Upon hearing this, Val was originally like “um?? rude? But also true, so I can’t really complain.”

3. What was Rook’s life before their faction?

Valonril was a Dalish elf and lived with his clan. He was the apprentice to the craftsmaster and had a special affinity for repetitive work and precise measurement. To this day, he can craft armor and other leather goods like belts and pouches.

He’s also trans, which his parents were split down the middle about. His dad was furious and transphobic about it, his mom wanted to support him but hated seeing him fight with his dad and always insisted he would “get used to it” and “he just needed more time.” Time passed, Val discovered the HRT potion at around 18 by asking other clans, and nothing changed. At this point, the other clan members had started to “take sides” and he absolutely hated it.

4. Which faction did they join, and why? How long has it been?

Rook left his clan at 20 after hearing about the Veil Jumpers, both to get away from his transphobic environment, but also to see if he couldn’t discover any evidence of trans ancient elves like him. The HRT potion recipe had to come from somewhere, and if other Dalish clans had the recipe, surely the ancient elves had it too. Instead! He learned some other things about Dalish history!

Despite the unpleasant surprise about the gods, he enjoyed the work of sifting through ancient ruins and learning history, even if it was difficult history. He’s been there ever since! But since Strife kicked him out for a year, I guess it’s probably closer to 7 years than 8 years.

5. What was life like for Rook before joining the Veilguard?

Discounting the year he spent with Varric, Val was defending Arlathan, discovering ancient elven artifacts, learning history, doing classic Veil Jumper things. He made friends! He was having fun! He got magic top surgery and felt free in his body for the first time! Wow!

Lots more under the cut!

6. What was the reason that brought Rook to Minrathous?

Hunting Solas, and that’s about it. His clan avoided Tevinter for obvious reasons, and he would never have come to Tevinter on his own unless it was absolutely necessary.

7. Why does Rook agree to join the Veilguard?

Because nobody else is stepping up to keep the world from being destroyed! Someone’s gotta do it!

8. What makes Rook a good leader?

Rook loves his team and wants to make sure they’re at their best, but he also has enough stubborn conviction to make tough choices and make them confidently.

9. What is Rook like on the battlefield?

He’s mainly an archer, but can whip out the double daggers if the bad guys get too up close and personal.

10. Does Rook know their history? Do they know of the HoF, Hawke, the Inquisitor?

Val doesn’t consider it “his” history, really? He’s not a Fereldan, he’s Dalish, and holds no loyalty to their heroes, even if the Hero of Fereldan was an elf (a city elf). He’s never been to Kirkwall, he’s heard about the champion, but he kinda doesn’t care? The Inquisitor was Dalish, but it’s not like his clan was even in the area at the time—they got the Fuck out of there when the demons started pouring from the sky. He’s proud that a Dalish elf got some recognition, but everyone still called her the Herald of Andraste, which annoyed him (and her too for the record). He cares as much as it impacts his life, but most of the time it really doesn’t.

11. Does Rook keep up with current events? (How aware of the situation are they at the start of the game?)

Varric had to catch him up to speed about most things outside Arlathan forest—Val really didn’t know all that much outside of the rumors and news sharing between other Dalish clans, and didn’t feel safe going into the cities much while he was a Veil Jumper.

12. Does Rook have any family? Do they keep in touch?

For a long time, his clan was his family. He does not keep in touch with them anymore, due to the aforementioned transphobia, and isn’t sure he ever wants to find them again to see if they’ve changed.

13. Did Rook bring any trinkets/sentimental items to The Lighthouse?

Valonril brough his beloved June’s Knot, an impossible puzzle named after the god of the same name. Since the game has never depicted one, I’ve imagined it as a 3D sliding block puzzle. If it could be solved, it would create a smooth surface on all sides, but there’s always at least one block out of place disrupting the shape. He loves that thang and carries it everywhere to fidget with.

14. What does Rook see when they look in the mirror?

The man he always knew he was, after years of trying to find and make him.

15. What’s the first thing people notice when Rook enters a room?

Based on the reactions of the friends I’ve shown screenshots to, it’s “oh my god he’s beautiful???” Which makes me feel very proud of myself for spending like 2 hours creating him.

Realistically, in-game, the first thing anyone in Thedas would notice right away is that he’s Dalish. Val has the full design for June’s vallaslin, from his forehead to the base of his neck, and he notices who stares, and for how long. He makes a point of staring right back.

16. Got any tattoos? What’s the story behind them?

Yes, several!

He has the vallaslin of June, the god of crafts. It’s both a practical meaning, because Rook was the craftsmaster’s apprentice before he left his clan, and a personal one. In the myths about June told by his clan, June “created himself” and as a trans man that story always resonated with him. He got his vallaslin right on time at 18, and picked it for those two reasons.

His other two tattoos are on his chest and right arm. The one on his chest is the little swirly/diamond design, he got it to commemorate his top surgery after it fully healed. The sleeve on his right arm is something he’s just doing for funsies—he started it while in the Veil Jumpers and unfortunately had to stop before the design was complete (it doesn’t cover the back of his arm or his shoulder) because Strife told him to fuck all the way off. He plans to finish it at some point!

17. How’d Rook get those scars?

Every time someone asks about Val’s top surgery scars, he changes the story to see what ridiculous thing people will believe. Sometimes it’s a bear attack, sometimes it’s from a bandit attack, sometimes he got too close to an artifact that tried to cut his hair. But yeah, it’s from top surgery.

18. Their fondest childhood memory:

Valonril didn’t really like to play with the other kids in his clan. They were too loud and wanted to run around all the time, when he just wanted to sit and play with his puzzle and listen to stories. Isera, his best friend when he was still in his clan, once came over to him while he was playing with his brand new June’s Knot toy and asked him why he wasn’t playing. He said he was playing, he wanted to play with his puzzle. It was fun. Skeptical, she sat with him and asked him to prove how it was fun. They worked on the June’s Knot together for a while, and it turned out puzzles are even more fun when you work as a team. Val glued himself to Isera from that day on, and they grew up to call each other “sisters” before Val came out, corrected to “siblings” after he began transitioning.

19. What is Rook’s love language? What love languages do they respond best to?

Quality time in both cases. Gift giving is a close second, but more than anything, Rook just likes to spend time with the people he loves. He wants to sit together and parallel play.

20. What’s it like to see them smile? Their laugh?

Rook smiles a lot, as he’s a goofy silly guy. He has prominent smile lines, his eyes squint a little, and even his tiny smiles show a bit of teeth. My guy likes big smiles!

When he laughs, his nose scrunches up and his eyes get even more pinched, if not completely closed. He also tends to laugh with his whole body, leaning over or throwing his hands everywhere.

21. What does Rook’s voice sound like? One of the voice options available, or do they have a different accent/voicecast?

He’s got the first option British masculine voice with the medium pitch. In-universe, it’s because his clan hung around Ferelden a lot. In the real world, it’s because that one was the only voice I personally felt like I could enjoy listening to for 90 hours lmao

22. Most embarrassing memory as a teenager:

Let’s do a light-hearted one, since his teenage years were rough while he attempted to assert his trans identity.

Once he accidentally put the thumb for a pair of leather gloves on the wrong side, and didn’t notice he created a pair of two left hands until he excitedly presented them to Hanarel, the craftsmaster and his mentor. He never forgot to check the design ever again.

23. What does Rook wear in the off hours? Do they like dressing up?

He dresses down as much as socially acceptable. If he’s not working he wants to be comfy, dammit! Also he goes barefoot. Shoes are a necessary evil at best, he hates being forced to wear them even if it’s an objectively good idea.

24. Does Rook have any nightly rituals before bed?

Messing with his puzzle as usual. When he gets with Davrin, it’s cuddling up by the fireplace with his boyfriend and their giant bird son. And making sure Assan gets his special nighttime treat (don’t tell Davrin)

25. How does Rook like to spend their free time? 

He enjoys playing with his puzzle, of course, but he can also be found hanging out with Bellara snarking at the Nadas Dirthalen, sitting in Harding’s garden room for a chat, playing with Assan (in or out of the Lighthouse), and pre-relationship making any excuse to talk to Davrin. After they get together, he likes to watch Davrin carve his little statues, and even parallel play by taking on a project of his own at the same time.

26. Rook is in charge of the grocery list. What’s on it?

In my mind, since Lucanis and Bellara do the cooking, most of the essentials are kept stocked, and Rook mostly goes out for himself or to pick up stuff other people need when he’s leaving:

him-ma* supplies (month supply, FRESH) (Veil Jumpers for herbs, Dock Town for agents)

Whatever Bellara forgot she needs this week (eggs, lemon)

Out of onions again??? (ask Lucanis to get double next time)

Spiced jerky

Dried fruit (whatever’s there)

Bread

Honey (for the bread)

Treats for Assan – no cheese allowed anymore :(

*Elvish for “gender transition” from this fan dictionary

27. When was the last time they cried?

Though the game doesn’t LET HIM, in my heart Valonril cries quite a bit. He prefers to break down in private or around specific people he feels safe with, if possible, but sometimes he can’t help it.

28. Does Rook have any pets/animal companions?

He WISHES he had a pet. He pets every single cat and dog in all of Northern Thedas, and seriously debates adopting a cat off the streets of Minrathous and bringing it back to the Lighthouse with him. When Assan got over being jealous and warmed up to him, Val was so happy and had the adoption papers ready.

29. Any vices?

Val is a sugar fiend. Sugar and candy were so rare growing up Dalish, and arguably even more rare as a Veil Jumper, that he will pounce on any sweet treat he sees. He picked the hot chocolate option in Treviso (before it got destroyed) and will never turn down a sweet anything.

30. What is Rook’s class? Did they choose it?

Well, I chose it, because I always play a rogue in all RPGs

In-universe, he learned archery before any other weapon when he joined the Veil Jumpers, because he was nervous at the prospect of being up close and personal in a fight. Eventually, he learned to fight with daggers, but only after mastering a bow first.

31. What specialization does Rook pursue? What called them to it?

I chose Veil Ranger because it’s what I personally liked playing.

Over the course of the game, Rook became increasingly invested in not just being a Veil Jumper, but what the Veil Jumpers represented. Preserving history, even if it’s uncomfortable, even if it’s not what anybody wants to hear. Preserving the lives of people who lived before, and the relentless pursuit of knowledge. He wanted to lean into those ideals and use them to save the world in a way that would feel most satisfying. He knows Elgar’nan and Ghilan'nain wouldn’t just kill a bunch of people—they’d wipe history clean. A blank slate for them to claim whatever they wanted about the world before they conquered it. He’s not going to let that happen.

32. How would a desire demon tempt Rook?

It would be difficult, but a desire demon’s best bet is to tempt him with the promise of magic bottom surgery. It’s what he’s been chasing for his entire transition, to the point where he’s unsure if it’s even possible without blood magic (which he doesn’t want to do), so if a demon were able to convince him it can give him the dick of his dreams without blood magic, pinky promise? He’d be in trouble.

33. What do fear demons look like to Rook?

Disappointment and/or rejection from the people around him. Rook fears the ever-present specter of “what if I’m not good enough?” Especially when people’s lives are in his hands, he worries every day about being the best possible leader he can, and takes every step fearing his inadequacy.

34. How does Rook begin their day?

Wake up. Wonder why he slept on the stupid couch instead of imagining a bed with his mind. Fix his hair (it’s a mess every morning). Go to the dining hall. See Neve and Lucanis who have been awake all night, chatting over yet another pot of coffee. Wonder how they aren’t dead yet. Pour himself a mug and laugh at their faces as he dumps cream into it. Eat whatever he feels like he won’t burn (the magic stove intimidates him).

35. Ultimate comfort food meal:

Hearth cakes are more of a dessert, but it’s still the first thing that comes to his mind when “comfort food” comes up. Especially when made properly, with halla butter and hardwood ash, it’s his favorite thing in the world.

36. What would Rook say are their flaws?

Oh, he would not be able to relay his flaws accurately. He’d say something like, “I get too worked up about my decisions, what’s done is done, and I need to focus more on moving forward instead of dwelling on the past.” Which… okay, sure, not dwelling on the past is good. But you also tend to make all your decisions on your own, because you think that’s what being a leader means, and refuse to let anyone try to alleviate your stress. Maybe you should work on that too.

37. Does Rook ascribe to a faith?

He’s not sure anymore, to be honest! The truth about the Dalish gods not actually being gods, and in fact being really shitty, was revealed to him before the events of the game, but he still reflexively uses their names to praise and curse, he still prays over his HRT potion, he’s still vallaslin despite what it used to mean. At the same time, it makes him feel kind of gross. People like that don’t deserve to be venerated. But what is he supposed to do, throw out his entire culture because of it? Reject everything that he grew up with, that made him who he is? The gods were terrible, but the stories the Dalish spun about them still shaped his life in a way he can’t unpick.

38. Did Rook have any relationships before Veilguard?

Some, but they were almost all short lived. The relationships in his clan, pre- and early-transition, never lasted more than a few months, and when he joined the Veil Jumpers he didn’t even consider starting another one until he got top surgery. Then he entered his Slut Era and had some casual sexual relationships. His longest exclusive romantic relationship there lasted a year and half and ended when the other guy decided he didn’t want to Jump those Veils anymore and left. He didn’t date or sleep with anyone before Varric showed up six months later and he got kicked out.

39. What is their room at The Lighthouse like?

Valonril decided he was going to decorate his room however he wanted, Solas’ preferences be damned. He set up a lot of Dalish stuff, like the big halla statue and the elvish bass, but also threw up the tapestry of ancient elvish tiles and wing sketches. He has his HRT potion set up on one table, a couple books are pulled out of the bookshelf, and after a particular someone overheard a particular comment, a big bouquet of Broma’s Bloom showed up in a vase by the giant fish tank.

40. Describe Rook’s bed:

That green couch or Davrin’s bed. Those are the two places he sleeps. Guess which one he prefers.

41. What’s on their nightstand?

He keeps the shaving mirror Varric gave him within “slapping the alarm clock” distance, so he can wake up and untangle his hair first thing in the morning.

42. Something Rook regrets:

He’ll always regret leaving his clan, even if it was the best thing for him. He never would have been able to transition comfortably, and he wouldn’t have ever found out about magic top surgery if he hadn’t left. But he misses it, despite everything, and sometimes wonders if he could have made it work somehow. The answer is always “no, not really.” And yet…

43. Is Rook the type to gossip?

Okay so he accidentally created a besties group for Hot Goss with Bellara and Harding because the two of them were deeply invested in him getting with Davrin, and he needed a place to vent and update them about his gay feelings. When his relationship solidifies, he immediately flipped the script to pestering Harding about Taash and what THEY were up to, and of course everyone’s noticed what Neve and Lucanis have going on. So I’d say yes, but only about extremely stupid things lmao

44. What is Rook really good at?

When he was the apprentice to the craftsmaster, Rook was always handed the projects that required a lot of repetition and precise measurement. He had a knack for eyeballing how big something needed to be and being correct, give or take a half-inch. He also really enjoyed the repetitive tasks that everyone else found boring or too time-consuming.

He’s also good at puzzles! He loves puzzles and has spent so much time doing ancient elven puzzles in Arlathan, it would be hard not to get good at them eventually.

45. Who was Rook’s closest friend before joining the Veilguard?

His bestest friend ever in the Veil Jumpers was Eloren, fellow transmasc Dalish elf who joined at around the same time he did. They bonded over transition and being really bad at calming artifacts.

46. What does it take to earn Rook’s trust?

Rook tends to automatically trust other Dalish elves more than other people, due to the upbringing that drilled into him that he shouldn’t trust outsiders. He’s not an unfriendly person, and he is better than he used to be, but others do need to work a bit harder to get him to open up.

One big thing they can do, though, is demonstrate they care about common people. Even with the reflex to close himself off, he can relate to and respect anyone who wants to help the downtrodden. The “demonstrate” is the key word here, though—despite all the talk Solas had about making the world better for everyone, he clearly didn’t actually care about any of the downtrodden people he claimed to be helping, because a lot of them would have died.

47. What’s Rook’s temper like?

Valonril is a chill guy until he isn’t, I’d say. There are a few buttons that, when pushed, instantly make him angry:

He doesn’t like being talked down to.

He doesn’t like being accused of being uncaring.

He’s stubborn about his choices, even more so when [he thinks] he’s doing the best he can to help people.

He can’t stand the people he love being talked down to or disrespected, especially in front of him, especially if they’re trans. He doesn’t want anyone to be treated like he was growing up, being called crazy or accused of not knowing himself.

Valonril knows the choices he makes, and he makes them on purpose. You can dislike them if you want, but he’ll slap you if you accuse him of being thoughtless.

A few examples: Strife bringing up that he lost the map the first time they meet again after the ritual turned an awkward-sort-of-tense meeting to Val grinding his teeth trying to be civil because he has bigger things to worry about, you bitter asshole. He had a very quiet shouting match with Taash’s mom. The first thing he said to Solas after getting out of Fade Prison was a bunch of colorful swear words.

48. A color, flower, animal, and weather to describe Rook:

Color: Maybe it’s just because I had him in the Veil Jumpers armor the almost the whole game, but Val is orange to me. Like an “autumn leaves just fell off the branches” orange.

Flower: Amaryllis, because I love flower symbolism. They represent determination, pride, beauty, love, and perseverance. They’re mostly red, but they can also be a combination of red and white, and some of them have a white petal with a freckled red spray. I like that because he has very light freckles on his face (side note, I wish I could have increased the opacity of his freckles without changing the entire complexion template)

Animal: This was tough, but I think Val is a fox. In real life cultures, foxes are know to symbolize navigating difficult situations, being resilient, cunning, and stealthy. Fits the rogue class for sure, but if “saving the world from your own gods” isn’t a difficult situation to cunningly navigate, I don’t know what is. They’re also playful and mischievous, often characterized as trickers. While he’s not really a trickster, he is a big goof, loves stupid puns, and embarrassing the hell out of his friends and boyfriend, so I think that counts.

Weather: I think Valonril is a sunshower. Rain without clouds, with the sun fully visible. A bright and cheerful storm.

49. What will always make them laugh?

Stupid puns. He’s a menace.

50. Are they a mystery, or an open book?

Val makes a point of being personable and friendly. Being a leader isn’t his whole personality, he does other things, and he’s not shy to be who he is anymore.

+1 What does Rook smell like?

He cleans his own armor and weapons very often, so he almost constantly smells like tallow and beeswax. The floral soap he uses isn’t nearly strong enough to cover it up, so basically, he smells like flowers and leather conditioner.

Near the end of the game he uses electricity magic on his weapons a lot, so I imagine once he starts doing that he smells faintly like ozone during and slightly after a fight, kind of metallic and sharp.

[catboybiologist]

I would add for the person that asked about the PhD, and I'm being very serious here:

If you are thinking about doing a PhD because you're not certain what you want to do, the job market looks scary, and it seems like a very easy and straightforward next step from your undergraduate degree it's very likely that you're about to have an extremely unpleasant next 5-6 years of your life.

I both agree and disagree. And fuck this turned into a long answer about both the joys and the bullshit that is a PhD.

PhDs can be amazing and enjoyable, but you really have to enjoy them for the research itself. You can't be chasing prestige, you can't be chasing a paycheck.

PhDs are like, the time in your career to fuck around with research. Since the arc of your career isn't set in stone, you can really think about acquiring new skills constantly, doing eclectic side projects, talking with professors outside of your field, and digging into inquiry both in terms of novel research and being fed information that already exists. Many academics say that their PhD was the time in their research career where they felt the most enriched by the sheer freedom and inquiry of it all.

And honestly, I've been feeling that as well. My 1.5 years of my PhD so far have been some of the best times of my life. My research is interesting, I'm learning so many amazing things, I've met so many incredible people, and the sense of community that exists in the academic world for early career people is amazing. I mean this both professionally and socially- without the lgbt grad student group I'm a part of, the decision to start HRT would've been a lot more difficult.'and the sense of community that exists in the academic world for early career people is amazing. I mean this both professionally and socially- without the lgbt grad student group I'm a part of, the decision to start HRT would've been a lot more difficult.

Of course, the make or break point with how enjoyable your research is, is your research advisor/principle investigator. They essentially control what your research is going to be like. I had an incredible undergrad PI, and I also have an incredible PhD PI. But.... my master's PI..... shudder. PI selection could be its own post, but I'm adding this paragraph last, and Y I K E S this is already long.

So you really gotta love it for research's sake, and work with good people. Many people go into a PhD wanting to make some splash on the scientific world or their field. This also means they're more likely to try to chase prestige, and work with big figures in their field even if the lab environment is toxic and unsupportive. The reality is that whether that happens, and when, is a stroke of luck. And also, you'll essentially keep chasing that high forever. I had the good fortune to stumble into a prestigious collaboration during my undergrad that got me a good publication. While I'm still grateful for my luck and proud of it, too many academics base their self worth on that kind of thing- which is a one way ticket to self-abuse and burnout.

And then, of course, there's the money. As I've mentioned in my pin, you're often getting paid minimum wage, or oftentimes, less than minimum wage, in high cost of living areas, when you already have multiple technical degrees. The way they validate varies between universities, but its always backhanded. For me, my yearly income is, on paper, about triple what I actually get paid.

There are two ways this is validated. One, even though you're an employee and oftentimes aren't taking classes, the university still charges you tuition. The IRS at least isn't evil enough to tax you on income you don't take home- your "tuition" is deductible (although the Republican led congress in 2017 tried [and luckily failed] to change this[if I hear one more person claim that Republicans are anti-taxes I'm going to flip my shit]).

The other way is by fucking with your hours. Some universities don't consider any work you do on *your* research project to be "work". Instead, anything reportable as "work" has to be something in service to the university- a familiar way is TAing, but even when you're not TAing, *technically* some universities want you to have several side projects that are completely unrelated to your thesis. Which is basically impossible. So, oftentimes, you're on a contract that considers you a part-time employee, when you're actually working more than 40 or 50 hours a week.

This is bullshit also because the line where one project begins and another ends is so fuzzy that it doesn't exist. I have two major overarching things I work in, that are pretty cleanly delineated bc they're in two different model organisms, but even then there's so much crossover that it's hard to tell what's going to make it into my actual thesis by the end. Also, your thesis makes money for the university. The grant money that your thesis will generate, partially goes to the university itself, through various mechanisms including overhead charges on funding and/or charging "rent" on professors that maintain labs.

Of course, both of these are fucking bullshit and only exist so that universities can exploit tax loopholes, that I can't claim to understand. A lot of recent union negotiations in my University system are changing some of this (kinda doxxing myself but there's a shitton of campuses and its one of the largest uni systems in the US and y'all already knew what state I was in so *shrug*) and while I support them, I don't claim to understand a lot of the new agreements. I really, really don't have a brain for paperwork and bureaucracy, but there's a lot of helpful union reps and advisors whose help I lean on heavily.

Again. I don't understand a lot of this. I have 0 brain for this. I have severe ADHD. I let things happen and ask my peers for help on this a lot. This could be different at other unis, or I could just be flat out wrong about the stuff I'm experiencing.

I'm gonna be honest... I've also just been working on post burnout fumes since my master's and I'm just in a lab environment that's been patient with me on that. I do enjoy what I do though, but I'm certainly taking things much slower and more relaxed than a lot of my peers. Oftentimes, this is punished, but hey. I already have an MS, and I'm having fun so far, so we'll just see how far this takes me.

But yeah. tl;dr PhDs are an amazing, beautiful, and wonderful thing where the true heart of science really lets you cut loose and do exciting things. But you have to love it a lot, because my fucking god the practical reality of it is that you're being deliberately fucked over at every step of the way.

And don't even get me started about master's degrees. Holy fuck that shit is rough.

[wooskwren]

List of things that happened this 2024!

- Went to college

- moved out of my mom's, finally

- Transferred colleges

- moved in with my best friend

- realized I'm a girl

- started hrt

- changed my name

- got broken up with by my boyfriend of 1.5 years in the most traumatizing way possible, I still have mental breakdowns and panic attacks when I think about it even 5 months later, to be honest I'm not over him at all but I have no choice it's not like I've ever had any agency in this entire situation anyways I just have to go along with whatever the fuck no matter how unfair it is or how much it hurts, besides he's had 2 relationships since me so I guess he's over it

- got diagnosed with adhd and depression, no meds though because that would make too much fucking sense

- started sh, so that's fun, 2 different kinds too, gotta hide my arms and thighs now

- planned or attempted to kms at least 4 times in the past 5 months

2025 will be my year for sure! I am lying it's probably going to get so much worse

But hey, happy new year ig

[adhdkobold]

day idfk probably like 39?? of estrogen: chats, guards and other audiences, guess who discovered they're 100% lesbian and a puppy girl because of one friend! there's also two other things, but you're not getting to know those until you're either an elite guard or a tier 5 sub... sorry gotta make a living somehow............. huh why are you taking me to the guillotine oh no it's not a guillotine it's a... a... stream set up for league of legends............ fuck my stupid fucking puppy life...........

oh yeah hrt is going great! a lot of emotional uncloggings, lot of discovering things about myself, dysfunction is kicking my ass and i haven't been able to properly buy new clothes or start voice training so that's fun........... i wish i could just do things sometimes without them feeling like huge challenges to overcome instead of just... a fun shopping spree or nice voice training....