#fuck me hate .yself

[shmingleping]

Can someone tell me why the

fuck

I thought going into withdrawals without medical aid was a good idea?

Like, I chose this route.

????? Why. Why why?

WHY.

I am actually so fucking stupid ??!

Killmenow.

[makemycitybreak]

He fucking hates me.

[ataritouchme]

isaiah came home from work and saw me laid out on the big peep on my laptop playing internet mahjong and immediately said “i know what mood ur in i can tell from the fact ur on ur. computer” and i said what mood is that and he said “you’re on vyvanse” and he was fucking wrong. tomorrow i will make month clean. i almost started crying i was so angry. whats the point of trying if everyone, even the ones who love me most and Knew I Was Staying Clean, still see normal behavior like “using my laptop” and immediately assume im tweaking. i cant do anything normal without my loved ones being like “oh this is high crumby behavior” i still want to cry. im so sober and it means nothing to anyone but myself. i know thats the important part and all but it still doesnt help when i get proof every day that people cannot view me without this assumption. i hate it . im so sad. i feel really ashamed and small. i was actually really proud ofm yself bc today i felt... really sad for like. existential reasons i guess. and i still fought the urge to get high as fuck. it was really hard but i pushed through it. only for my husband to get home and still assume, based on absolutely nothing but his knowledge of me and my “behaviors” that if im using my laptop i Must be high. whats the point. nothing i can do will ever change how i am perceived. i should have killed myself in college. 

[exadorlion]

i cant believe i took regular us history just because i had a major boner for the teacher

[sinnabonka]

Hey Hun! Lots of love to you. For starters I wanted to say that there should be no cell in your body blaming yself in any way. You and your blog were hope for so many people. You were the "you are not crazy" of the final weeks, and I'm forever grateful to you. Instead of dying of anxiety I managed to have a blast in this time of waiting, thanks to you. I passed my master thesis, because you gave me strength to see past the fear. I laughed in those weeks more than in last 5 years, and all of it because of the hope you gave me.

The rest of the msg is going to be pretty emotional rant about the awfulness of it all, and I know my opinion doesn't matter to anyone but I wanted someone important to me to hear my thoughts, if that's ok. It's also ok if you don't want to read it ofc. It's like my breakup letter to the show.

I hear many people cheering for the finale and i find it really hard to deal with. I always considered myself an open person who fights for healthy love as the only redeeming quality of the universe. I could see people's point of view, even if it didn't sit well with mine, and I would always try to hear them out respectfully until they weren't being respectful themselves. That said, I'm fully unable to understand cheering for this type of spiteful content and hearing those cheers makes me feel like the entire world is listening to "this is how you treat your fans, this is how to abuse your power over naive sheep, this is how to keep dumb, hopeful minorities in check" and taking notes.

It also upsets me that the people who gave this show all of themselves and tried to understand it to the core are given no resolution, are spitted on and buried under the rug for doing their best to appreciate the art and the story it was telling. Yet people, who just hang around and watch the show doing the dishes, with no consideration to it's story or characters, got as nonsensical ending as their whole idea of character development in SPN.

I know people say that it was good enough, because it leaves space for guessing and own interpretation, but I feel it's really undermining the extend to which the finale was awful and hurtful to the fans. There is no end that realistically could stop fanfic writers from finding way around it in the world of Supernatural, so saying it was thoughtful of them Is like excusing abusive partner because "they could hit me harder, but they didn't. That means they care"

Lose ends, characters being written in a way that is totally not true to them and their development (personally my biggest allegation), dismissing years of story development, proving that it was all 'queerbaiting' in big part in the end (hell, even the whole "Cas is in heaven so do with it what you will" is a shameful way of appalling to LGBTQ community after using them so hard.

In the pie scene, the roles should be swapped, it's Dean who should say that Cas is on his mind and Sam explaining him that it's only right to keep on living doing good in their name. That's what Dean told Sam at the beginning of the season, when Sam lost Rowena, so it would be at least a bit poetic. This would at least give us some truth from Dean for once, but he died how he lived, in shadow of his fear to be true towards his feelings and needs. And as he died, he bound his little brother to the hunting till the end of his days, by guilting him into it on his deathbed. Guess Dean took after his father.

Have you realised what that emotional "love speech" from Dean to Sam resulted in? It was writers taking back Cas' confession after they didn't need our viewership anymore.

They basically gave us love confession to get us to follow the finale and when they didn't need us anymore, not only they didn't commit to the confession, but they undermined it by having Dean's speech to Sam go the way it did with obviously higher emotional charge, successfully taking back the value of Cas' confession and making it about a bait for "Tumblr idiots"

Finale killed my feelings towards Destiel, not because it wasn't confirmed canon, but because from what I see in the episode, they canonically confirmed that

- for Dean, Cas was only means to an end, which is such an awful way of ending Cas' character arc. They gave him everything he was scared of and nothing close to consolation price and they dare to tell us he had a happy ending, "because they said so". Well, I didn't see him being happy, and knowing what i textually know i can empathise enough to say that he faced a miserable finish. Even Chuck got an end that was better than Cas' fate.

- Dean, given power to do anything he could dream of, chooses to not even greet Cas, after Cas gave his whole life to Dean, told him he loved him and died for him. I know some people consider the little smirk of Dean confirmation of his feelings, but let's be real for just a second. If someone you deeply loved for years confessed to you, told you they thought you don't love them back, you would be freaking running to see them and tell them how much you love them. That smirk to me reads as "I'm relieved to know you're not going to spend eternity in mega hell that i left you in" and we really need to stop giving credit to writers for scraps like this when it's the last episode ever and we know this isn't going anywhere.

Not to mention that by having Jack bring Cas back behind the scenes it just highlights the fact that Dean didn't ask him to do that in episode 19.

As result, I'm unable to look at any Destiel scene and not think "in here Cas already loved him and in here Dean already abuses the power he had over Cas, because of his one-sided love"

And yet, the episode and endgames for everyone (maybe not Sam, but he was seriously pinning for Dean his entire life. Wincest much?) managed to be so bad, that not even bringing Cas back or following up on Destiel would make a difference in my eyes. I know you believe that Destiel would save it, but for me as much as it would be a redeeming quality, it wouldn't be enough to save this awfulness that writer doomed characters with.

And all the Wincest scenes in the finale... I low key expected them to make out and it made me feel physically sick. Also, cutting Misha out because of coronavirus is a cheap excuse. We all know better than to believe that, so let's not fall for the self pity play from the abuser.

If you managed to stay with me till this point, thank you so much for hearing me out. I hope i didn't anger you with my monologue. I will always think of the lamp when i think of you. The reality is that you were the lamp for so many of us in this darkness.

Love you so much, wish all the best to you, take care of yourself and stay safe!

Oh my god, if I didn’t cry with the final, I definitely am crying now. And now I have to explain my partner why I’m staring at my laptop and sobbing ugly. What have you done? 

First of all, I hear you pain, my friend! I share it! I didn’t spend a second after the final without the feeling of my heart being shuttered into million pieces, being stitched back just to break again, and so on and so on. 

I had my first panic attack in two years yesterday, when I kept thinking about the message the show sent to the fandom via Dean’s fate. I have a few posts in my draft on the matter, but I am not sure I will ever share them, because it is one strong depresso, and I don’t think people following me should see how fucked up it really is (if they didn’t get it by themselves, of course). 

I want to remind you, my gentle soul, that the story belongs to us. We know Dean, we know Cas, we know Sam and others. We know that the final is not who they are! I know it’s hard to ignore the text, the canon, because it’s kinda godsent, but the truth is essential. And the final is not the truth.

The truth: 

Cas loves Dean, he sacrificed himself for him, he saved his life on multiple occasions, he told all those beautiful things and he meant every word.

Dean loves Cas, he was on his lowest every time he lost him, Cas was his “big win”, his best friend, his brother, his white light that lead him out of his anger, hatred and despair. He took a dog and called it Miracle, he was looking for a job to retire from hunting, he didn’t kill Chuck - all of that, because the sacrifice Cas made was not in vain! The message was clear. 

I choose to ignore the “Carry on”, the only attention it is going to get is me creating 20 more mails just to put a one star review there and to drop some more salty or bitter comments with it. Maybe I will read through some reviews, too, add them to my collection. 

Maybe I will one day write here an article from scriptwriting perspective how fucked up in was, because that’s what I can do about it, without throwing up. 

If you can’t ignore it, I understand it. It is painful, it is disrespectful, I hate it as much as you do, probably. 

If there’s anything I can do for you to feel better, just drop me a message, we can talk about it. I am on the lowest, too, but maybe we can help each other.

You say I was your lamp. Let me lead you our of the darkness one more time <3 

CW can suck my metaphorical dick (I’m tagging every angry post with it), but Supernatural is not just the show on CW, it’s a big family. 

And you can’t give up on it! You can’t give up on Dean and Cas, you can’t give up on Destiel! It’s so much bigger then the show itself.

Rediscover the show for yourself, remind yourself that Dean and Cas are real, it was never one sided, it was always something amazing. 

What is real? We are.

Don’t you ever change.

I rather have you, cursed or not.

It’s love, hun, and love always wins. 

[fatcowboys]

hhh

[le-vys-world]

You once said, that when I ever have that feeling that I have to hurt myself again, that I could talk to you. Call you. But ...

The past two weeks, you started more and more to ignore me. Not responding or dry texting. And I sit here, wondering what I have done wrong while having flashbacks of my past relationship and how much more it fucked me actually up. And I hate .yself that I have fallen for you. Because now I had to break my heart once again. I had to distance myself once again. And once again I ask myself, why I'm not enough as I cut my thighs open and watch the blood dripping down, without feeling any sign of regret.

You said, I could talk to you when I feel like this, but I know I can't. I wouldn't get a response from you. You would, again, ignore me. And I would be crushed.

It's not, that I don't want to tell you. I just know, that you don't care.

Right now, the only feeling I get from you, is that I'm annoying you. That you don't want to talk to me like at all. And that hurts. Being left out in the cold hurts. That you kissed me, hurts ... Just everything ... hurts ...

[findingoblivion]

My first GF was named Laura.

We were friends and one day i think she just said she wanted a gf and I asked if she wanted to be my gf and then I just. I don’t remember but she said yeah i’ll be your gf. She was always really busy cause she was a hardworker. It was long distance too, she lived in texas.

She was going to school for engineering. She was really pretty but a lot younger than me. Eventually I guess she moved on cause she stopped talking to me and responding to me so i gave up. I dont think i had her on anywhere but tumblr. 

-------------------------------

My second girlfriend was named Sicilia. I met her through one of our friends stream. I didn’t know much about her but I flirted with her a lot. She was sassy and nice and I liked her wit. Eventually I wanted to be in a relationship. One night I spent a long time just sending her pickup lines that were sweet and telling her how cute i thought she was and how much i loved her. She said that no one had ever said anything like that to her. She was trying to get over her ex I think. She had a child named Lilith. I loved her so much. I just wanted to show her that someone cared about her you know. She was really cute. She’s one of the people i think about a lot. Because we never really broke up, She just ghosted and ignored me. Because there was streamer drama. The streamer we met while watching basically said that I had stolen money in order to donate to her (and others). And i mean, I had had some money loaned to me. And I hadn’t paid it back. So it was my fault too. But i Just regret that so much. Because I often feel like for what ever reason she was my soul mate. Like yeah i fucked up but one day I just woke up and that time period of my life was just over. I spent 2 years and donated like $3000 to a couple of different streamers when it came out that I had had money loaned to me and I hadn’t paid it back I was banned from all of the streams that I had frequented. I hate myself so much for doing that. I think about how i could have had such a good life if I hadn’t fucked that up. And like I can’t blame anyone. It might have been a bit harsh but I deserved it. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. ANd i can’t change the past but she was the first person i ever actually felt cared about me. God. Like that’s pathetic but you know what I’ve done IRL? Absolutely nothing. I’ve never kissed a girl. I’ve never held hands. I’ve never asked a girl out. or had someone ask me out.

She was my longest relationship too. We were together for almost 2 years. And like I wasn’t perfect and neithere was he but I wanted to make it work so badly. I wloved her so much and i sworte that i would never make those mistakes agin. and i’m way more careful about stuff now.

I have to always keep it in my mind. And I would never act like id o if i was in a relationship. I would never want to un in tentionally hurt my partner like that. I hate that I did that. I flirted with other people while we were in ar elationship and even though it didnt mean anything i still hatem yself. because i caused her pain. and i would rather kill myself than cause someone i love so much any kind of pain.

I can’t articulate how much I sitll love her. I love her so much. I started watching her streams again and it fucking just destroys me because i wish i could ever make and have that connection with her again abut i can’t. But it’s not like anyone involved was a bad person either. Like I support them 100%. Even though it makes me want to kill myself that i’ll never experience that again no matter how hard i try. I feel so hopeless. Because i can’t even get over her. I can’t get over any of my exes but especially her. I wanted to be a part of her life. Even with her child. Fuck my life so much. I could talk about her forever. I wrote all of my poetry for her. I’ve posted it here before but she meant so much to me. I hadso many feelings about her.

But i can’t just fix things. I can;t just say sorry. I said sorry so many times but it dioesnt matter. I fucke up. i fucked up. i fucked up.I’ll never be able to go back but I would give anything to do so. I mean she seem okay. She seems happy. But I can’t make her any happier. I can’t help her any more. I can’t get over that. I never will be able too, probably.

I cried so much while i wrote that. I try not think about her or any other of my exes but my heart has a gaping hole that I can’t do anything about.

---------------------

My 3rd GF was named Jess. Jess was often depressed and sad and probably more so than the other people i had dated, the other people i dated weren’t perfect by any means but they all dealt with things okay. Jess was a bit different I guess. I had flirted with her in my last relationship and she was one of my best friends because we also met through one of my favorite streamers of all time, someone who inspired me SO much. Probably the biggest ( at the time ) streamers at the time who was also trans - but she had actually accomplished or at least mostly accomplished her goals as a trans person and had done all that while streaming and even while she was on LCS shse manged to be pretty good. She’d always been an inspiration to me and I was so happy to be made a mod of her channel at one point. Things were so different back then. Discord wasn’t even a thing. Jess was one of the people in her stream i had met who was always in chat. At first I didn’t even know she was trans.She was seriously so pretty and she passed well no one ever knew she was trans unless she told them. She was so pure and good (or at least pretended to be) and she was the one who got me into pet play and bdsm. She was sad often but I really wanted to see her happy. I would do anything to see her be happy. She was often super depressed and she wasn’;t perfect but she reciprocated my emotions so well...she was lewd and i was always nervous and anxious but i had a lot of fun teasing her...i know i couldn’t help her entirely get better and i kne wthat wasn’t my job but i truly would have given up everything for her to be happy. 

Eventually the same thing happened like always. She said I deserved someone who could be there for me. She said I deserved some one who was more stable. Right after she sent were in call together and being lewd together (like really lewd) she stopped responding to me. I wanted to help her so much. I still want to help her. I would give up my life for any of the people i’ve dated but hser especially because I know she desereved SO MUCH better. Like I know she wasn’t perfecct but no one ever is. She gave me hope for the future when i could move to florida and be with her but now that will never happen. And like it’s not like she hates me. It’s not like she doesn’t like me. She just can’t deal with the anxiety and she thinks I de serve better. But I don’t deserve better. I have so many of my own problems/ Even back then when I was doing a lot better I had a lot of problems. I just didn’t really talk about them. Because I don’t really know how and i’ve only ever really talke d about my feelings with like MAYBE two people. Arguably. My deepest darkest feelings are always locked up. And i dont know if that’s a good thing or not. I feel like a burdne if i talk about my feelings if someone else is obviously doing better than me and i don;t know how to talk about my feelings either. I’ve never had anyone who’s cared about me like I care about them. I know I care too much. Especially about random strangers on the internest. But that’s just how I am. I want to be caring. I want to help people. And I don’t really care if I get anything in return. It’s not about that. I also don’t think I really deserve to get anything back (because the only reason i’m alive right now is that i decieded to live for other people when i was a kid but that’s a different story). But anyways I loved her so much (like always) and I wish we could still at least be friends.

---------------------

My 4th GF was named Ruby. She was a lot like Jess although it didn’t start out that way. She was always depressed I think but she was a sub/bottom like Jess. And we definitely got into that. I mean she always said she was a top but I made her into my bottom. And it was a lot of fun for her. I was sad too sometimes but talking with her, she was so cute. And we had so much fun together. Sometime si still hold out hope that we can be together. A lot of things have changed though. At one point she wanted to be with someone else because she’s polyamorous. But i leearned a lot about myself that night. Because I realized I can’t deal with someone not giving me all of their attention. I don’t know if I’d call it jealousy because if you’re not mine i don’t care who you’re with but. If you are mine then I want to give EVERYTHING to you. And in return I want you to givem e EVERYTHING. I can’t hold anything back. And I can’t expect you to do the same. That’s just how I am I guess. how i’m wired. Everything was fine until she asked me if i was into polyamory and then said she had found someone she wanted to be with. And it’s not her fault. She really is an angel and I support her so much. But I can’t deal with that. After my last couple of relationships i can’t deal with what feels like someone choosing someone else over me. I can’t deal with that. I can’t. I’me already destroyed. But i still have some love left. I still have some hope. There’s only ebeen really two times in my life ( and i’ve gone through some big ass shit even before i started getting into relationships) wher I had no hope. Once was after Sicilia broke up with me. Or stopped responding. Whatever you wanna say. That was probably the saddest I’ve ever been. To have that, to have a relationship, and to have it taken away. With no warning or anything, and because of circumstances that had nothing to with her. The other  time was after Ruby said she wanted to be friends/gf with me but she wanted to be paige’s gf too. I never said any of this to her but it crushed me so fucking hard. They aren’t together any more and we’re still friends. It took a lot for me to start talkign with her again and i’m glad i did too but things will never be the same between us. I wish i could just let go of things and be happy with her or anyone else but i can’t. If i’m in a relationship it has to be 100%. I can’t accept anything less. I just can’t. I really wish I could though because I want to be happy. I want so badly to not worry about things. There’s relationships I could be in. There’s people that I love SO SO Much. But I can’t bring myself to try and take the next xstep with them any more because i don’t want to loset them anymore. It’s not alla baout me . I want to supprot them. I want to see them happy. And I can’t support them if they aren’t my friends. I would rather suffer through loneliness than ruin something again. I guess that’s just how it is.

------------------------------------

My 5th girlfriend was named Maddy. I guess we haven’t really made anything official but we might as well. I care about her so much. She’s trans like me (a common theme given that 3/5 have been trans) and she’s pretty early in her transitioning but I still find her cute. Actually we met through Jess’s stream. I don’t know if she was ever a viewer but she said she wanted me to mod her stream and said she would send me thigh high pics if i did lmao. Looking back she was so innocent and cute. We’re still really close. And although we kind of took a break and didn’t talk for a long time I still love her. We haven’t really talked about anything much, although I’ve said hints (yeah i fall in love instantly and then I talk about wanting to move to where you live like a fucking dumbass) but we have definitely done lewd stuff I guess. Sometimes I worry about her and she has some problems like any trans person does - and she’s definitely not perfect and sometimes i think and wonder if ican actually overlook what she says/does because it can be pretty bad sometimes. But I dont want to los eher either. My friends probably wouldn’t like her mucvh cause she can be a bit much but ultimately she’s my friend before anything and i’ll always support her if ican. I just want someone to give me affection and someone i can give affection too. She’s cute and we watch anime al ot lately. It’s really nice. It’s nice ot just. Chill like that. And not worry about anything. Maybe i just get attached too much and that’s probably true but when i care about someone ican’t just turn it off. It’s too hard for me.

We’re still friends even though we’re not official. Nothing bad has really happened either. But I have a hard time imagining a life with her I guess. I want to believe that she only behaved a certain way because of who shes surrounded by. cause she never acats that way with me. And we’re definitely pretty close. It’s ironic that i’ve still never revealed my deepest thoughts to most of these people. But whatever I guess.

---------------------------------

I think that pretty much details all the ~mostly~ official relationships i’ve had. I cried a lot about stuff while i wrote this post and i’ll probably regret it tomorrow but whatever. I have definitely had more crushes on people. Some of my best friends I st arted off having crushes on. And my biggest crush is still one of my bff’s that I watch anime with every day. I’m just so scared that things will change if i make a move. I want SO BADLY to give myself entirely over but that’s never worked out before so i try to move slowly even though i’ve done a lot of romantic shit. I love her more than I have loved a lot of different people and even though it’s long distance I wanna make her happy and feel loved too. So i just. Supress my feelings and hope that maybe one day she’ll feel the same about me. It doesn’t matter how mlong it takes. I don’t really care about anything like that. And I ESPECIALLY don’t care how you feel and if you’re sad and imperfect and if you don’t feel like you deserfve to be loved. I feel the same way a lot but there’s nothing better to me than convicing someone that they do deserve to be loved and that I LOVE THEM. I’ve never dated anyone with like no problems even though she’s probably the closest. Although maybe she just hides everything like me and sometimes I feel the same. I don’t know. I’m gay and I flirt with like 30 fucking different people at a time. Because I need attention and I need to constantly feel like someone loves me. Like purely. Sometimes i’m a slut for attention and I fully know that. But I don’ really know what to do because i want attention from specific poeple lol. Flirting has always been my way to make frienships.s Even back when I was like 12 or whatever on the internet and rp’ing for the first time that was aways how i made my friends. Who I talked to every day.

I miss a lot of those peopel cause I lost my email for rp stuff back when it was comprimsed and MSN was still a thing. I wish i could reconnect sometimes. And I’m not going to lie when I was dating that Sicilia that was without a doubt the best time of my life. I had a fully supportive community with lots of my friend and I had a lot of fun every night. I was able to be supportive of someone and love them so much. I was able to just put all my feelings out there. And they were all true. I never lied and I never will. But feelings are hard. And it’s even harder right now because I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to hurt myself but I don’t really d eserve to be happy after what i’ve done. And all the chances I’ve had and fucked up. I swore I would be happy if I could make oither people happy. Because for like nearly 18 years of my life I was never happy. And evnetually I started being able to make people happy. And admittedly a lot of that is through money and donations but it doesn’t matter I don’t think it’s any less than anything else because in this shit tier world I think people need a lo tof money. Myself included. And It’s not like I have expenses or anything right now really. If I did maybe it’d be a different bit bu tI don’t I pay like $100 in rent and I thank myself every day that I can afford to do that. And donate to people, And buy them things and make them haappy. But I have a lot of hubris too, Ican’t just be happy with that. I want someone to love me. i want to love someone. I want someone i can love so much and tell them everything and trust them again and give all my feelings. Even when I cry for like 3 hours straight like tonight. I don’t know if I have anyone llike that that makes me feel special that I can feel special towards but I hope one day I do. I hope one day I can be happy. I have a lot of problems myself since I’m trans and Old as fuck but I hpe one day I can have a good life. I hope one day that’s the case. Cause i often feel like I’ve accomplished a lot with how i’ve helped my friends get into better situations through donations and sdupport and if i didn’t have any hope left I would just KMS. But I do. So i guess i’m stuck in this hell for now. Hopefully it’ll be worth it some day. That’s what I hope for. And I hope that all my friends are happy too. I hope that a lot of things for us come true. And I think that’s humanities greatest asset. Hope. Because that’s the one thing it takes nothing to have and the one thing causes you to stick around. And the one thing that has driven humanity to where we are right now, where we have a pretty good life all things considered. So i hope one day i cna experience something like that again.

[betweenallofus]

here i am

silly me thought i would have never need to post/write stuff like this anymore

but hahaha look at me 

this fucking sucks

lolllll i hate to admit the only way out for me is probably to end *yself

like seriously i do not know what i could do anymore

im too stupid to do anything at the moment

even my (former) interests have proven me worthless

i lied to almost everyone about my status

idek what i want in life or worse yet what i could do in life

i thought to myself “yeah sure drop out” but i could not bare to see the disappointment on my familys face

i have had so many second chances given to me already

i honestly have used up all of them

im getting gradually stupidier every day

i honestly dont even know if im capable to completing college

but i seriously do not know how to face the aftermath that comes along the trainwreck 

[plastic-flowerx]

here i go again

im hate myself???? yes. im fuckign. this is pathetic man i have a good ass liife i have noth ing to freak out abt so much im making all this shit up i wish i would stop!!!!!!! no one gives a shit and i wanna isolatem yself from everyone!!!!!!! my life is fucking sad as shit im pathetic as hell i dont know what to do i wanna talk to someone but i know anyone id talk to would just get frustratred at me for being a f ucking bitch!!!!! i wanna isolate  msyelf bc the ppl i lovr dont deserve all my bullshit!!!!! they deserve so much and im bringing them down and im fuckign panicking why am i such an asshole i ahtre this i hate this

[sleepyyavpd]

i have a problem just writing out things and letting them come out as they may without editing, censoring, or repressing aspects of myself bc they dont fit a concrete and concentrated image i have created of myself (for others?) i cant keep a diary or journal bc i cant be honest it in bc i keep imagining this omnipresent thing reading and watching me write calling me a liar or judging and criticizing the feelings i choose to write down and focus on. or fear someone will find it and read it and think im fucked up or boring i dont know which is worse. i can’t stand not being able to express myself. ive been on tumblr for 8+ yrs and have developed no internet presence, feel like i literally have no personality to me. i know i’m going to want to delete this tomorrow and cringe if i read over it. im pathetic. i hate sharing stuff on facebook. i feel like a fraud on instagram. i hide behind anonymity on tumblr. in real life, i avoid everyone. 

i’m trying not to read over this and edit or delete anything. really hating m yself td. some days are easier than others. fucking hate being like this.

like i’m posting on tumblr bc i have no where else too. i wont even do this if someone else is around me. pathetic. no one read this :((

[gayspock]

no now this is the Last Ven t dont reblog/reply/whatever

like who cares i just. hat emydself i hate having to Deal with m yself and its unfair for other people to have to deal with me half the time i cant even. fucking behave and i just. i dont fucking know Man i just FUcking wanna run myself into the ground just Burn it all down i dont. im just Tired  im Getting Horrible impulses again and im just ogng to Laugh Hollowly and Sob more 

[llucozayn]

/

[the-broken-monster]

A moment with a very tired, and slightly drunk shard

Shard:....hic.....hic........Ya know..... even tho  all of this, all of this is getting better, now that i have only so much left till things are truly....hic...truly gud.... I can’t stop hating myself..... no... nonono, not yself.... not myself, bu, but what i am..... a fucking 4th wall breaking 10 year old trapped in a adult body whose not even slightly prepared to do shit like i do... who knows that one day.... one-hic-one fucking day, all of this will be gone.... they’ll leave.... and no one will be here anymore..... and it just keep me awake knowing that one day it’ll end.... and i’ll be back in that....that fucking white room, with that laptop.... and all that shit..... no family.... no friends..... nothing..... nothing......NothHing....

the chimera sparks a little, and just face desks, knocking over the small shot glass by him at S.R’s bar, which was empty for the most part that late night..

[aphobe-nonsense]

fucking. fuck. shit has been so goddamn difficult lately esp with the dicsouse and my ffriends in the discourse have been getting harssed so so much and i just wanted to. stop. for a bit cause  sometimes i use discourse sstuff to self-harm and i thought i could have positivity but fukcing exclusionists cant even let me have that. ccant even let me have something about my identity that isnte related to the fucking discourse. i.....jjsut wanted to rest but now i hate yself even more then i alreadyy did???? this is literally why we cant have nice fucking things bcause exclusonists love stomping all over literally everything. i hate everythingg especialy me and i just wish people could be actually fucking decent but noooooooo apprently thats too goddamn much to ask for because my entire identity revolves around fucking discourse now

[b1tterc0ffee]

Im sorry i cant keep it in im sorry im not strong enough im sorry im sorry im weak i cant take cre of yself im a burden im really fucking sorry i dont want to be like this but i just am i wish i was dead i dont want to be like this why do people like me when im so goddamn weak and whiney i cant help but hate myself  im sorry