#fuck im an awful client arent i

[hollowmorgve]

really wantedd a nosferatu tattoo but the guy really is just an antisemitic caricature huh?

[andromedasummer]

Lockwood & Co liveblog tiiiime we're on The Hollow Boy now

Hey im back im doing these again now I have access to the audiobooks again and free time now cos no job yaaay get ready for me to ramble about internalized misogyny at the end because this is the Lucy Has Internalized Misogyny And Has To Get Over It Book

- OH LAVENDER LODGE LAVENDER LODGE

- I love this open its once of my favourite of the series. this fucked up old couple murdering people at their lodge using ghosts of previous murdered lodgers, also killed by ghosts

- oh its November. Ick. Low-light, ghosts coming out earlier in the afternoon and staying out later into the morning. Terrible weather. No wonder Lucy has such a miserable time this book. Girl should look into a SAD diagnosis

- OUGH this couple are so fucking slimy

- HOW FAST IS THIS OLD MAN HE FUCKIN LIKE LOCKKED THEM IN

- oh i like this case so much. the messy teamwork and action, the uneasy feeling the ghosts give me. good stuff

- the implication that skull routinely tells lucy the group they should stab their clients when theyre even slightly sus. or even when they arent. i would never let this guy in my d&d campaign

- OH CHELSEA... THE OUTBREAK... THAT'S RIGHT

- i forgot Lucy is the one who suggests they get an assistant and not an agent to help out. fucking hilarious. did this to herself. i am so excited for holly.

- OH RIGHT LOCKWOOD SHOWED THEM JESSICAS BEDROOM

- Jessica like.... comes back right.... like in the last book (that i havent finished)... theres no way with that much lavender that there isn't suppression of her ghost

- Skull teasing Lucy for going out with Lockwood.... youre jealous. youre jealous

- QUIIIILLL MY CRINGEFAIL BOYFAIL QUILLLLLLLL I LOVE YOUUUU

- ohhh the ghost in the mirror with the letter. the setup of Lucy relying too much on connecting with the ghosts and not focusing on the danger... lockwood masking his major disapproval for it in off comments... i remember why i love this book

- OH THE OLD MAN IN THE CHAIR CASE YES I REMEMBER THIS I THINK HE HAS CASH IN THE CHAIR FOR THE FAMILY

- The bit about Lucy actively putting the family at risk because of what shes doing.... again. foreshadowing why she ultimately leaves L&CO at the end of the book.

- I WAS RIGHT

- HOLLY TIME HOLLY TIME HOLLY TIME

- Hiring Holly while Lucy is away. Not telling her hes even hiring anyone. Not having Holly go through all the tests Lucy did. Jesus is this set up so well to have Lucy frothing with a mix of inadequacy and jealousy. No wonder the poor girl feels like shes being replaced, despite how ridiculously she acts throughout the rest of the book. She's 15.

- Lockwoods quick decision making makes sense as 1. This opportunity with Holly came out of the blue and she wouldbe been snatched up by another agency quick and 2. Hes 15 and dense and doesn't have the in depth understanding of a sour 15 yr old girl going through her "im not like other girls" phase. on the contrary this is smth i am intimately familiar with

- But FUCK does it set up for a NIGHTMARE situation. props to Stroud here. There's literally nothing more horrific than a 15 yr old. even scarier that theres multiple having interpersonal drama and conflict. and one of them is dealing with rampant internalized misogyny and has a sword. worse than any other ghosts in the series.

- Sidenote theres a lot to be said about the added fact that Holly is black and the way white girls and women, when seeing black girls and women outperform them, become downright Nasty. Whether they're actively aware of that or not.

- And I think, regardless of it being purposeful or not, it makes Holly's restrained acceptance of, and tone towards Lucy when Holly gets belittled by her that makes the situation much worse. Because it speaks to the way that black girls and women always have to "be the bigger person" or else they'll get picked apart for striking back or lashing out.

- It makes Hollys confrontation of Lucy and her awful behaviour near the end of the book and Lucys acceptance of Hollys words this very satisfying. Because Holly isn't overreacting or being awful or even particularly mean. Like, at all. shes COMPELTELY in the right and the narrative shows that. In fact it shows that Lucys behaviour is ridiculous at almost every point.

- Which 1. In context of Stroud writing it, puts it on a meta-aware level that i find fantastic, as the whole thing is told from Lucys perspective. Hes able to show an accurate inner dialogue from an insecure teenage girl while making it clear how ridiculous that internal logic often is. I vividly remember being 14/15(?) while reading this, and it made me reflect on my own behavior and was one of the many things that led me to breaking out of my own "Not Like Other Girls" phase. And 2. The series is written as if Lucy herself is retroactively looking back on these days as an adult. So it shows a level of self-awareness and is evidence that Lucy is aware of how ridiculous her behaviour was back then and that she doesn't want pull punches in her depiction of them. Which is a great way to show how shes grown, without yet showing what's happened between the current time of the book and however far forward in life she is writing this memoir.

- Im glad this is something Lucy manages to deconstruct later on in the book and is mostly solved. And how her descriptions of other girls and women become less harsh over the next two books. Its a realistic portrayal of a teenaged girl who has grown up with certain ideas of womanhood and feminism and how that evolves in kid/teens mind. (Women are specifically like this > Im not like this so im not like other women > Im better than other women and this is feminism > im not better than other women and this is misogyny. we have to work together > we all suffer from misogyny the same way and targeting one another makes it easier for misogyny to persist > all women are different and suffer different from misogyny in different ways i.e misogynoir, transmisogyny etc) and we need to deconstruct these things to achieve true equality

- Anyway all this to say that in pretty much 1/3 of the way through and these next few chapters are gonna be ROUGH.

[headypotemkinvillage]

an email i just sent to my therapist. thank god i have 2

hi there,

to put it plainly this message was so awful it left me in a string of panic attacks and yelling at the fucking walls. I'm honestly just forgetful about the bilss im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. put please never fucking do that again. I trust you and ive told you before this kind of lecturey shamey language has and will actively make my state worse. as your client I expect you to have the base level of emotional awareness to fucking communicate with you. YOu know exqactly what kind of state i am in and the fact that conversing with you leaves me yelling at things that arent there and worse off emotionally and mentally is a testament to an utter lack of understanding of how to communicate effectively. I do actually want to pay you you know this. but you also know im actively struggling with being shamed for not being good enough over and over and over to the point that its constantly running in my brain. Echoing that awful rhetoric only serves to reinforce this. As a therapist you should be ashamed frankly. We both know exposure therapy doesn't cure trauma. If you want me to trust you you have to make space for it but you seem to lack the ability to. If you want me to listen to you then please dont make the task a big emotional thing, you know i struggle with emotions. I expect you to be better than this, I need healing not scolding and all the latter will do is further mess with my already troubled mind. I'd ask you to get your shit together but I'm not sure that works with you considering we had this exact conversation last time. It makes it hard to do therapy with you when you act like this. I recognize my emotional response is an issue yeah yeah, but you are my therapist. your whole job includes helping me navigate and work on my emotional response. All this email illustrates is a bout of utter incompetency on your part. I hope that bout is temporary.

I dont think i'll be able to bring myself to attend saturdays session because frankly i'm finding it really hard to speak with you without getting riled up. I'll try for monday. The half hour earlier time should work

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

[cittaphonsarchive]

my mom’s clients ((she’s an interior designer so she renovated & decorated their house)) r senior staff @ deloitte in london and she was telling them that i’m an accounting major and they wna meet me tomorrow nd talk abt maybe bringing me to london for an internship nd im literally gna pass out im so nervous what the Fuck !!!!! i worked sosoo hard this past semester like i got a 4.0 nd i got a 98 in the class that’s supposed to weed out all the kids that arent cut out 4 accounting nd i tutor for one of my professors nd work for another so i’m rlly deep in the dept nd im jus : ( so nervous lmao like i wnt this 2 work out sO badly but i feel like im still not cut out 4 it ??

deloitte is the #1 accounting firm in the worLD ((world!!!!!)) and it’s so fucking hard to get an internship w them aNd i’d be able 2 go abroad to london ? ?? if i fck this up i’m literally gna scream lmao : / i didnt even kno i was supposed to meet w them tomorow my mom literally jst sprung it on me outta nowhere nd now im gna have awfUl anxiety abt it for the whole night lmao : / it’s Li t!!!! nywyas i dnt know where else 2 talk abt this so ya Goodn ight !!!